#what are you gonna do visit family?
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My backlog means I always have something to look forward to.
My cartoon for this week’s Guardian Books. #books
p.s I have made five new prints of my cartoons, visit www.tomgauld.com for details.
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hate going for christian weddings sometimes because i always see the prettiest women with the ugliest men, the sermon is always some shit about wives being slaves (but not like bad slavery, mutual slavery except the husband is a benevolent master which makes it okay) and making babies for their husband, the music is always lame, the mc is always weird and obnoxious, and older women keep fucking asking me when it's gonna be my turn and never take no for an answer.
#mine#personal#brief storytime in the tags#one of my family friends got married and i was happy she was happy#her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me#i was happy to share that moment with them#we cried and laughed together#and my friends#their other daughters were on the line and looked gorgeous#it was just beautiful watching us all grow up in a way and move on to “the next” together#BUT#im a pastor's kid#and my dad loves weddings#he drinks them in whenever he can now especially because they make him happy and he's had to attend a lot more funerals this year#he's been burdened a lot by how many people he's had to bury and how many hospital visits he's had to do#so i was happy to see him happy too#it just all felt so bittersweet to me#because i know how badly my parents want this for me and for themselves#there was a daddy-daughters dance at some point and i could feel my dad beaming beside me watching that#and i was a little sad about it because i was like im never gonna give you that#this could be the best thing i could ever give you and i will never give you this#i can never kneel at an altar in front of a pastor and swallow that sermon#i would never marry a man in my generation#if i married a woman you and almost the entire tent filled with people that watched me grow up would not attend#my happiest day would be another funeral for you#it was worse because im kind of a small celebrity in this community because of my parents and their siblings who are politicians#so people i barely knew kept coming up and asking me when it would be my turn and how they so looked forward to the day#and i was like i love that we're a community here and i missed the pestering of aunts since i left church#but at the same time i was glad to remember why i left#there is no freedom to be myself at all with them because all they do is project their beliefs and ideas on me because that's what children
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Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now
#my mom called me like ten minutes before I was off work today#and asked if I had talked to my grandpa lately and I was like yeah some why?#I’ve been showing what I’ve been cooking with him and my grandma because I was proud of myself#and she was like oh so you know about his potential surgery?#and I was like. his what???????#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one#but this is the third time it’s had to be replaced and as he’s gotten older he’s had a lot more health issues#and they’re not even sure his heart can handle getting it replaced…. he has an appointment tomorrow to find that out#and no one told me. no one fucking told me it was that bad and I’m so#like man my feelings on my grandparents are so insanely complicated but I do love them#I love them so much and they practically raised me and loved me more and treated me better than my mother EVER did#they’re the only family members I’ve ever been legitimately terrified and upset over not accepting me cuz I’m queer#like my mom and siblings? I could not give a flying fuck if they hated me for my gender or sexuality#if my grandparents had a bad reaction I think I would fucking kill myself#and idk the point is I love him and I’ve barely seen him at all the past few years because we live far away now and I never visit because I#hate the rest of my family#but what if he can’t have this surgery?????#or what if he can but something goes wrong??????#what if he’s dying and I’m only able to go down and see him one more time#and he could be fine. it might all work out and he could be fine#but man I’m terrified that won’t happen because WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME ANY OF THIS#and yeah no I’m fully crying now I can’t do this#he taught me to draw and he built the house I grew up in and he got me into lord of the rings and would take me book shopping#and and and I’m gonna fucking throw up#kaz rambles
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"that sounds tediously boring"
gnome beat the game
here they are on the boat
#SPOILERS BELOW !!!!!!#they are so precious to me i dont know what i would do without them#ive been insanely emotional about them since last night#i wish you could see how the other characters are doing before the credits#thats my one gripe i wanna know what shadowhearts up to#SHOW ME THE CELEBRATION YALL KEEP TALKING ABOUT !!!!#i want to see them happy and hanging out and smiling :(((#also im sure theres some way to avoid this but karlach does live in their basement and they do feed her brains#all in all its a pretty good set up#shes not gonna explode any time soon and theyre all roommates#could be worse#i do mean she volunteered to turn illithid btw and from where i was standing that looked like the best option#she looks a little weird now but thats still my Best Friend karlach#im sure lae'zel will visit on holidays....#shes like the cool aunt you only see for family reunions i think#ALSO HEY LARIAN ? I ROMANCED THE FUCK OUT OF HALSIN !!!! I SHOULD GET AN EPILOGUE SCENE WITH HIM TOO !!!!!!!#i shouldve brought him with me but gale...... the carefully crafted narrative that lives only in my head........#baldurs gate 3#bg3#bg3 astarion#astarion#astarion fanart#astarion x tav#astarion ancunin#bg3 tav#my art
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last night i came back home so tired and sleepy and in this moment of weakness i texted my uncle for advice about a sensitive topic. well folks . he read and has not replied
#option 1 i gave him a heart attack due to my sillyness#option 2 he told his wife (my moms sister.) and theyre debating what to do with me#option 3 the whole family knows. I am doomed#option 4 what if he changed his number overnight?#option 5 he thinks im an idiot and doesnt wanna respond to me.#hard to tell which one but i was gonna go pick up a bag from their place tonight and guess im not unless he responds to my message#ALSO I sent like. 5 rant messages. And this is someone i just usually text hi / how are you / hows work / yeah sorry i havent been home whe#you visit us.#so its my fault
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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Thinking about going back to support group because I'm sick to my stomach with the amount of transphobia I've heard/dealt with over the past week alone, but also eww vulnerability
#mostly there are just people in support group who annoy the shit out of me#last time i went there were 31 people and it was impossible to hold one conversation#so maybe ill go back if it gets small again but its pride month so...#and im too <3 fucking <3 busy <3#im becoming so grouchy but also just tired and dead inside because of transphobia#almost came out to the entire family just because ive had enough#to the old fart who visited the library and spouted hate-speech for half an hour:#i hope you get fucking cancer you shitstain#saying we need immigrants so we can make them work the low-wage jobs#and that 'transsexuals cross the border to molest kids'#and what did my supervisor do about it. she smiled all sweet and encouraged him.#im going to take her job. i will. because im basically already doing it.#its a fucking feminist library do your job as a manager and kick the bigot out#you do not have to be polite to everyone. not everyone should have 'frEeDoM of SpeEcH'#whatever the crusty old ballsack is gonna die before me anyway and he wont be back
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emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean
#what did i do#i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was#just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do#why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what#i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all#sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged#or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt#i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so#different..like no it didnt. or im missing something?#i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood#innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍#ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother#we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i#doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt#Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone#like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door#and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?????????#those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt#ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he#told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT??????#oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it#be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL#I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO#she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE#8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME#mothers when they mother👍
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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if i think bout ichi going to jiro kasuga's grave and arakawa accompanying him Maybe At Least Once i just might explode
#snap chats#hi everyone. coping with my reality. plus it is fathers day tomorrow#ill save all THAT rambling after The Real Meat alright lemme get that juice out the way#anyway no i was just having an idle thought with fathers day coming up#an i just thought of like. Just-Got-Here ichi wantin to see his Relatively-Recently-Deceased's dad's grave#maybe arakawa wanted to ask ichi to do somethin on X day and ichi visibly is just 😬#obvi he tries to brush it off like Oh Its Nothing Sir Haha :) but arakawa's A Dad.#and grew up with a troubled childhood alright he knows when someones hiding something so he encourages ichi to tell him the truth#such comes The Bean Spillin an ichi's just 'remember how i said my dad died yeah i wanted to visit him that day 👉👈 '#followed up by the obligatory backpedaling But Its Fine I Can Do Another Day ! No Worries ! etc etc#so pleaaasse cut to arakawa making a 'deal' with ichi in that he can go that day but only if he could tag along#ichi's a great kid it's worth visiting the guy who raised him right#im gonna throw up if arakawa just gets a Funny Feeling during their visit yk what i mean#he just feels Especially grateful for jiro and what he did for ichi- doesnt exactly know why maybe ichi really is just that good of a kiddo#im gona make myself throw UP oh my GOD. crying dying etc etc#if you see me write or draw anything after this no you dont#speaking of though Personal Ramble Time i knew i shouldnt have eaten until later this is my karma <- thats not how karma works#i try not to eat in the evening and the time i do unprompted BOOM mother's home. screaming crying yelling#i still had things i wanted to do upstairs too gdi now i gotta wait til monday or like. 2AM ☠️☠️☠️#ok thats all byyyyye im gonna cope with my cringe family situation with projection 👋
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#pls feel free to disregard this is gonna get sappy for just a sec#i've just been thinking about december 31st last year#went to visit some family i hadn't seen in a long time and i had been actively applying for jobs for like six months#i was miserable everything about it was miserable#and these relatives in particular have always been so supportive of my dreams like. pursuing an english degree#working in publishing working with books#and i remember one of them saying how it had been six months and it may be time to look into something else just to get something#keep trying for publishing but also you need a job so maybe take something you don't want in the meantime#and how deep that cut being from someone who had so strongly supported me for years like#maybe i just needed to pack it up and give in and do something i didn't want because i needed the money#at that moment i was interviewing for my current job and working on an edit test#and a couple weeks later i got an offer#and it has been a year of ups and downs but i love my work literally so much#i have the kindest boss and work with a wonderful team of women and it's just. it's everything i could have ever asked for#even when it's stressful and difficult#and idk that feels significant to me#right as i was about to give up i got exactly what i wanted and so much more#2023 was a lot in so many ways but i will always be so grateful for this year and everything it's given/taught me
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ALSO I need you all to know that my aunt heard me affectionately talking about someone and later when my cousin drove her home, was like "I didn't know she was gay!" And, like, kudos to my aunt who was 100% cool with that (though surprised) and did not make a big deal about it in the moment, but I later had to inform her that my bestie and I are unfortunately not a couple because she is tragically heterosexual. I mean, with that said though, she is right and I AM gay.
#I mean look. she's got the spirit. she's a lot of things but by god she's not a homophobe. hahahahahaha#also re: not a couple: we're platonic soulmates tho so it's fine#she has LITERALLY said the GAYEST SHIT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE about us like HOZIER-LEVEL GAYNESS hahahahaha so I am so fine with it lmaoooo#Oh and a few years ago I delegated the task of coming out to my family to my mother who told my other aunt and uncle that I'm queer#and my other aunt was like “....so what's the news you had?”#and my mom was like “that's it”#and my aunt was like “oh okay. well we love her anyway and don't care. what do you want for lunch?”#so my mom was like#“hey. listen. I don't think this is necessary. so I'm not gonna bother telling anyone else.” and I was like “okay cool thanks.”#I saw them in Jan when I visited my then-gf who lived north of them and they asked to see a picture and were like “oh she's cute!!” lol#also I mentioned an ex girlfriend to my nephews last week and they simply did not react. and these are kids who go to catholic school haha#I also explained the difference between republicans and democrats to them after they asked (I was watching the news)#during which time I had to explain abortion#so I was like “...and Republicans think that abortion is killing babies before they're born...”#and my nephews were like “that doesn't make sense!”#and I was like “yeah. Yeah I know.”#LMAOOOOOOOOO
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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ifykyk : but are ur muses still at the restaurant
#TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MUSES' RESTAURANT#ngl rhea is still in that chamber waiting for da3mon to show up and consummate their marriage#and gend is still in that cave where he told arya he cant be her family#and gin's is tom riddle in general ( but im not even GONNA GO INTO DEPTH ABT THIS RN )#nev left the restaurant slowly in year 4. and didnt look back anymore by year 6.#nev's restaurant is complicated tho. cause i do think its st. mungo's for him. which he visits every other weekend#hob's restaurant is quite literally 1898 and 1998 for him#and uhhh who ELSE#and tyler's restaurant will always be his last memory of his mom.. which laurel tainted#so now i do think hes stuck there#i love this trend / concept so much do u understand#LIKE JUST.#''HELP / IM. STILL. AT. THE RESTAURANT / still sitting in the corner I HAUNT / [...] i stayed there / dust collected in my pin up hair#/ im sure uve got a wife out there. kids and christmas but im unaware cause im right where ... / i cause no harm / mind my business#if our love died young / i cant bear witness / and its been so long if u ever thing uve got it wrong / im right where / YOU LEFT ME''#DO U GET WHAT I MEAN#gen: out of character.
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Yall wanna hear about smth? good im gonna rant in the tags anyway
#so :)) my favorite animal hands down is orcas#i happen to live on the east coast. aka like the ONE place in the world where orcas dont like to hang out in#my family has taken a few big vacations to maine over the years and we're going again this year#we also went to the very edge of Canada and this year we're gonna spend more time in Canada#also side note...... every time we've gone to maine we've gone on at least one whale watching trips to see humpbacks#and we have NEVER ONCE SEEN A HUMPBACK. weve seen a minke whale a basking shark a sun fish like 100 dolphins and a million seals#but no humpbacks 😭 but that's why we've been so many times they guarantee that you'll see them so we've only paid for tickets once#anyway. FUN FACT. there is ONE singular loner orca who regularly visits the new england area#his name is old thom :) he's approx 30 feet long :)#from what ive read it seems like he comes down here between may-november and hes seen almost every year#sometimes he hangs out with white sided dolphins which is really interesting bc orcas have been known to eat dolphins#and hes never been seen with another orca which is veryyyyyy uncommon#well. hes been seen in the EXACT. WATER. that we RODE A FERRY THROUGH to get from maine to Canada#he was seen near boston LIKE A MONTH??? before we were in Boston#his whole route is like. the exact waters ive been on or near multiple times.#AND WE'RE GOING BACK THIS YEAR.#I NEED TO SEE HIM!!!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!! I WOULD SOB#so yeah. fun facts :) everyone send good vibes for me to see old thom in maine this year 😡#gotta go back to work now bye love yall
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my sister and my mom are both school teachers so they are also now having who uses what bathroom conversations and honestly? I want to go home
#i promise i wont keep talking about this im just annoyed they've never talked about this stuff before#it's kinda interesting cause like. i financially support my family a lot actually#and i wonder what they would do if i stopped pretending to be a girl when i visit them#like would you still try and cut me off despite how much you rely on me or would it be different only because you need money#previously i never told anyone because my dad was violently transphobic but i had convinced myself the rest of my family wasnt like that ig#at least not so much#but now im not so sure. which is funny because im starting to be more bold about the things ive been doing but now its like 😬#i mean who cares right i can do what i want im an adult? but it's weird to get confirmation about how they feel about this stuff#ANYWAY like i said im not gonna keep talking about this it just helps to write it out
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