#during which time I had to explain abortion

[aveline-shepard]

ALSO I need you all to know that my aunt heard me affectionately talking about someone and later when my cousin drove her home, was like "I didn't know she was gay!" And, like, kudos to my aunt who was 100% cool with that (though surprised) and did not make a big deal about it in the moment, but I later had to inform her that my bestie and I are unfortunately not a couple because she is tragically heterosexual. I mean, with that said though, she is right and I AM gay.

[call-sign-shark]

Of Bending and Breaking || Tommy Shelby x Reader

Summary: Always being the one who cares for others comes with a price: you break down, but the most unexpected person is here for you: Tommy, the man you were forced to marry.

Words: 2,3k

TW: Hurt/Comfort, very tiny mention of past sexual assault, no proofreading 'cause it comes from clearing my drafts.

Notes: Aunt Isabella's is a tribute to my own aunt Isabelle who, unfortunately, died because of cancer a few years ago.

It all started with Polly shaking Tommy like a tree, her thin hands firmly grabbing his nephew’s broad shoulders: “You can’t keep sabotaging yourself like this, Tom.” These were the words that left her quivering lips as she dragged his staggering frame to the bathroom and pushed his face into the bathtub right under the tap. When the freezing water splashed all over his neck, Tommy opened his blank eyes wide and inhaled sharply, as if he had suddenly come back to life. Since Grace’s awful death, the gangster was the shadow of his former self. When he wasn’t waging a senseless war with Father Hughes and the Italian, or when he wasn’t keeping his buzzing mind busy with work, Tommy usually numbed himself with a deadly combination of whisky and opium until his deep-seated pain became bearable. It was the night he almost overdosed that Polly decided to take charge of his nephew and found him a new wife, in the hope of soothing his nephew’s mind and finding a mother figure for poor little Charlie. The idea had obviously sent Tommy in a fit of anger but Polly Gray couldn’t care less.

Regarding your own situation, it was not the opium nor the loss of a dear lover that had led you to Birmingham’s most dangerous man but rather the bump in your belly. Aunt Isabella had understood what you were suffering from the moment you had stormed out of the vardo to throw up your breakfast in the nearest bush. The tall and lean woman, whose light brown and curly mane danced in the cold autumn wind, had looked at you right in the eyes and raised one of her thin eyebrows. If there was something pleasant with her, it was that words weren’t necessary.

Yet, later she encountered Polly, with whom she had been a great friend since childhood, and explained that a powerful American man had forced his seeds in you during his stay in England. Not willing to go through the traumatic experience of aborting, Isabella only saw one solution to your problem: you needed a husband who could protect you and your future baby from the evil man with his scarred lip. A wedding would be your salvation. At the realization of what Aunt Isabella had planned for you, you tried to run away from the camp in the middle of the night but she knew you too well and soon caught you, her sly hand firmly grabbing your wrist: “Y/N! It’s for your sake! He’s rich, he needs a wife and he is feared! You’ll be safe with him, don’t you understand?” She explained, cupping your face with her long fingers adorned with claws painted in red and far too many rings. “I don’t need a man to protect me! I don’t need anyone. He’s older and he’s a criminal! Who’s going to protect me from him eh? Have you think ‘bout that?” You cried, the soft light of the sunrise turning your tears into liquid gold.

But still, you wedded him and what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life turned out to be a dull event during which you dissociated the whole time. The only memories you had in mind were two piercing and frightening turquoise eyes staring right at your soul and soft whiskey-tasting lips stealing a quick peck from your cherry lips. A kiss devoid of any form of affection. And then, the groom left.

From what Aunt Isabella told you, your husband had spent most of the celebrations with his brothers, drinking and taking bets outside of Arrow House. Months had passed and still, you felt estranged to this place and its staff. The only moments your heart lightened were when Aunt Isabella visited you, or when Charlie spent time with you, otherwise you remained emotionally closed, trapped in your own mind. Overall you could not complain: You had a house far too big for you with plenty of workers willing to exhaust every one of your wishes. Charlie was a sweet boy, who loved you with all his heart even if you were well aware that you’ll never replace his mother. As for the Shelby clan, they were cordial with you without being really friendly either. And there was Tommy…

Cold and distant Tommy, who you only saw late at night when he discretely slipped under the bedsheet and turned his back to you without uttering a single word. Busy Tommy, whose replies remained concise and spoken with a quiet husky voice each time you asked him something — at least he talked to you a little bit. Trapped in a loveless marriage, that was what you were: Tommy was more a stranger, a mere gust of wind in your life, than the love of your life.

Still, the gangster stayed true to his words and he provided for everything, never refusing to give you money when you asked, and protecting you from the man who had taken your innocence. He even gifted you a wonderful stallion because he knew how much you missed riding. In exchange for his protection and riches, all you had to do was take care of Charlie and do your best to be there for your husband when his darkness threatened to swallow him whole.

You found out about the nightmares shortly after your wedding and quickly decided to do something about it. When he woke up screaming and drenched in sweat after tasting the tunnels’ dirt and Grace’s crimson blood in his troubled sleep, you always cradle him, your fingers losing themselves in his wet dark hair to pet his head gently. At first, you feared his reaction, expecting the infamous Tommy Shelby to push you and not-so-kindly ask you to keep your distance but, to your greatest surprise, he never did. Instead, he would bury his face in your cleavage, panting and trembling, and let you reassure him. Just like he let you bring dinner to him each time he drowned himself in paperwork and forgot to eat. He never commented on your cooking skills though, even if he always handed back empty plates.

The blood on his skin? You cleaned it.

The wounds of his flesh? You never failed to patched them up.

The hole in his heart? You tried to seal it off with caresses, soft kisses, and shoulder massages. Maybe one day he would slowly turn his iciness into affection. Little did you know that he needed it. And by it he needed you. Just like the whole family. How many times did you walk the streets of Birmingham at night, seeking for Arthur and then bringing him home to take care of a wasted and high him? Far too many to keep track. Similarly, you had spent countless evenings helping Ada when she felt overwhelmed, either nursing Karl or cleaning her house when, just like her brother, she overworked herself. And finally, Polly could never thank you enough for everything you did to soothe her mind after the gallows, still haunted by the bite of the hanging rope on her throat.

“Thanks Poppy.” Arthur muttered, the gravel in his voice coated with shame now that you were down clearing and disinfecting his split knuckles. The oldest brother had started to affectionately call you so for the sole reason that, according to him, you must probably grow better when blood was considering how much you had seen when patching the Shelby siblings. “Sorry for errr… For the mess.” He went on, his steel blue eyes fleeing yours.

“That’s okay.” You replied in Romani, “You, sweet idiot.” Endeared by how surprisingly soft Arthur’s harsh complexions could turn, you couldn’t help but gently put your hand on one of his cheeks. And during this tender display of affection, Arthur was convinced he had caught sight of a smile — a scarce event barely happening on your beautiful but resigned face. Comforted by the warmth of your palm, he leaned into your touch and looked at you through dark lashes, his lids half-closed.

“Tommy’s one lucky bastard to have ya for himself, eh."

"Let's both flee together then." You teased, the familiar tone of Romani language rendered even more melodious by your siren-like voice.

"Don't tempt me, little one." Arthur replied, softer than intended and probably only half-joking.

The oldest Shelby brother had barely closed the door when your smile disappeared and tears flooded your eyes. Admittedly, spending months of repressing your own anguish didn’t do any good to you despite thinking that focusing on others would have helped. Quite the contrary, all those negative emotions you had left on the back burner turned into a silent and deadly parasite that was eating you up. Dragging your tired frame to the cold and empty marital bedroom, you curled up in a ball in a corner of the room, your bruised knees pressed against your chest, “Positive. You gotta stay positive and push forwards y’see Y/N? Do the right things for the family…” You whispered to yourself as your breath started to quicken for the ball of sorrow in your throat was growing more and more. Yes, you had to smile and say that all was just fine because you knew you were lucky to be here and that you hadn’t any real reason to complain now according to the rest of the world. And yet, the truth was you were tired. So tired and overwhelmed by everything around you. With your wild soul trapped here in the mighty walls of Arrow House, you could not help but drown in an excruciating feeling of worthlessness.

You were lost in a world too difficult for you to understand. Lost and unprepared for a life that asked for too much. When you were living in the vardo with Aunt Isabella life seemed so much easier despite the lack of money and, sometimes, food. Prior to your wedding, she used to tell you that everything would become clear once you’d be a wife and a mother. You’d be an adult adult, you see? But she lied. They all lied. Even with a husband and kids, you still felt like a scared and confused child, who wanted to hide under the blanket of her warm bed and never face the world ever again. These concerns of yours? You never shared because you wanted the Shelby to keep seeing you as a reassuring presence— moreover, God knew how much their broken hearts needed your silent care.

Bringing your trembling fingers to your mouth, you muffled a first sob, convinced it would be enough to keep you from crying. What you didn’t expect was to burst into tears, uncontrollably weeping. After all this time forcing yourself to be strong, your mind had enough. As your heart-wrenching cries echoed in the room they muffled Tommy’s footsteps that were coming closer and closer. When the door flung open, you did not even move, lost in a spiral of pain and psychological exhaustion.

“Y/N?!” Tommy called you, his usual coldness swept away by a surge of panic. He closed the distance between you and him with hastened steps, and put one of his knees on the floor to be at your level, “What’s wrong, ay?” His husky voice asked, worries thickening his Brummie accent even more. You hiccuped and raised your flooded eyes towards him, parting your lips to answer. Yet, as soon as your gaze met his turquoise iris you started weeping again, louder this time. Words were at a loss by dint of never having the chance to express what you felt throughout your life. “Bloody Hell, Y/N! Speak!” Tommy hissed, his heart now drumming in his chest at the sight of his young and always-so-strong wife crumbling in bits in front of him. Never in his life, he had felt so powerless, not even in the tunnels… And, God, he hated it.

“N-nothing. I don’t… I don’t even know it’s just that— I’m so fucking tired, and lost, and confused, and afraid!” You spoke with a very fast pace, spitting years and years of repressed emotions flowing from you all the while feeling deeply ashamed of your mental breakdown. When you were done venting, you simply turned your head and waved off the topic, tears still rolling down your reddened cheeks “Anyway! You’ve got — more important things to do.”

“Stop it, Y/N,” He scolded, low voice rumbling in his chest. His strong and calloused hands, damaged by the war and hard work, cupped your face with a softness you didn’t know he possessed. For the first time in your life, his grip felt utterly reassuring as if you knew these scarred palms were not going to let you fall apart. Never. “You’re what’s important right now.” With that being said, Tommy leaned his forehead against yours and his enchanting eyes soon met yours to force you to focus on nothing else but the vast blue oceans which composed them. “I want you to calm down.”

“I can’t, I can’t—“ You tried to speak but you couldn’t, struggling to breathe under the crushing weight of your panic attack. Your mouth gaped, looking for the oxygen it couldn’t find.

“Oi!” Tommy said louder. So loud that his voice managed to overcome the cacophony of your beating heart and the buzzing sound of your anxiety that filled your head, “I want you to breathe with me, Y/N. Alright? You can do that for me, ay?” He asked, his eyebrows slightly frowned and charming crowfeet appearing at the corner of his eyes — how odd it was to see Tommy’s face veiled with something else than unsettling placidity. Caught off guard by the sudden realization of how close he was, you quieted down a little bit and soon followed the pattern of his breathing.

One long inhale through the nose, one longer exhale through the mouth, and a short pose.

Do it again.

Your shaky hands slowly grabbed his wrists in a desperate attempt to anchor you to reality. This, as well as the focus you had on his mesmerizing complexions.

His long dark lashes — you inhaled slowly.

His cat-like turquoise iris — you exhaled.

His salient cheekbones — You stopped breathing for a very short while.

The myriad of freckles — “Breathe with me, Y/N.”

The soft, hoarse lilt guided you through the dark and thick fog of your own brain, just like a lighthouse. Coming back to clearer waters, your body finally relaxed and fell almost limp in his arms. And once again he caught you, keeping you all safe against his chest. Tommy’s voice, low and steady, resonated one last time in the bedroom with a reassuring warmth as he uttered the simple yet powerful phrase, "I'm here." Each word carefully enunciated, carrying a quiet strength that soothed and reassured, like a comforting anchor in a stormy sea.

Keep your writers motivated: Reblog and/or comment if you liked it, you filthy animal! o/ English is not my first language btw.

Taglist: @adaydreamaway08 @theshelbyclan @jomarch-wannabe @esposadomd @zablife @woofgocows @anathemasworld @anastasia000 @kate654 @kxnnxy @babayaga67 @meowtastick @shelbyssins @sarai-ibn-la-ahad @bluevenus19 @raincoffeeandfandoms @kishie8 @zablife @alexandra-001 @dearshelby @alexizodd @helen06dreamer @kmc1989 @emotionalcadaver @peakyswritings @peakyltd @chaosinkest1996 @vanhelsingsbigtoe @red-riding-wood

[lovecla]

TAKE YOUR PAIN AWAY | quinn hughes.

epilogue:

➴ chapter warnings: mentions of abortion.

➴ word count: 2.9k

💌 from me to you: writing endings suck by the way. hope u enjoy tho :)

౨ৎ

madisonhughes

liked by haileybieber, gigihadid, nickharris_img and 789,101 others

madisonhughes one year ago i married my best friend. i love u _quinnhughes 🤍

View all 1,398 comments

user1 i still remember the fuss we made the day she changed her username to hughes 😭

user2 user1 no bc u just had to be there 😭 everyone freaking out and people asking if her wedding had been live-streamed

user3 user1 user2 omg and people trying to cancel her for changing her last name?? i was on twitter fighting for my life

user4 user3 AND THE DAY AFTER QUINN POSTED A PICTURE OF HER WEARING HIS JERSEY DURING THEIR HONEYMOON LMFAO

_quinnhughes Pretty sure i love you more

nickharris_img my favorite couple. Miss you Mads

user6 the day i had to change my @ bc i couldn’t be quinnybear43wife anymore 💔

haileybieber it was magical 🥹

canucks One year already? 😱

jackhughes best night of my life… got drunk after 3 minutes

౨ৎ

2034, OCTOBER.

YOU HAD just turned the cell phone off when you heard Lila’s first scream.

Out of your instinct, you quickly walked towards her bedroom, knowing that she would be there with Quinn, since there was where you left both of them before you answered Jim’s call, asking about what time you were planning on going to their house, where they’d hold a Halloween welcoming party, since you and Quinn had just bought them a house in Vancouver.

Ever since your daughter, Lila, was born, three years ago, they’d been traveling to Vancouver every other week, and even though they told you several times that they didn’t mind all the flying and the hotels, you and Quinn both decided that it’d be best for them to at least have a private place to stay whenever they wanted to visit their granddaughter.

And Lila, the always calm, adorable baby, had been laughing with Quinn before you left the room, so her crying now was worrying to say the least. As you got closer to her bedroom, the crying got louder and louder, and you were pretty much sure neither Quinn nor Lila heard you entering the room.

“Tell Daddy what’s wrong, baby,” Quinn’s sitting on the floor, his hands wiping Lila’s tears, uselessly. “I’ll fix it, I promise,”

“No princess!” She yells back at him, throwing the yellow Belle dress you bought for her last week, making you frown as you lean against the door, choosing to let Quinn deal with her before you stepped in.

Bella stares at her, hiding her nose between her paws, which distracts you momentarily.

“Lila, baby. What did we say about yelling?” He asks softly, blue eyes searching for Lila’s. “There’s no need to yell. Daddy just wants to understand why you’re so upset since you wanted to be Belle so bad. What happened?”

Somehow, his question only seems to upset her even more. “No want. Belle.”

He chuckles, moving her chestnut hair out of her cherubic face.

“I can see that. And I want to know why. Do you remember how Mommy is always telling you that we need to explain why we’re upset? She’s right, baby.”

“Mhm,” she nods her head, scratching her eye with her left hand. “Mommy’s right.”

“Mommy is always right, isn’t she?” Quinn jokes, making you smile.

You decide that it’s the right time for you to step in, since Quinn already calmed Lila down and you wouldn’t get in his way of teaching her manners.

Walking until you were in the middle of the room, you smiled at them before you sat down on the carpet, beside Quinn.

“Is everything okay here?” You softly ask, giving Lila a brief kiss on her cheek, before doing the same with Quinn, making him smile right back at you.

“Lila’s upset about her costume,” Quinn explains. “She doesn’t want to be Belle.”

“No Belle!” She says loudly again, stomping her little feet. You had to use all of your strength to not coo at her cuteness.

“Okay, baby. We understand, you don't want to be Belle. Want to tell mommy and daddy why is that?”

Lila sighs loudly, her face still red from all the crying, proceeding to point at Quinn.

“Daddy.”

“Yes, baby, that’s daddy,” you chuckle. “What about daddy?”

“Wanna be d-daddy.” She stutters, hiccuping right after.

You and Quinn stare at each other, confused, before realization hits you both.

“She wants to be you for Halloween,” you whisper to him, watching as his eyes immediately fill up with tears, just like yours.

It was one of the most precious moments of your life. After years of going to therapy and working on yourself, and after you and Quinn married each other, you finally understood that you could have a loving family. Something to call yours. And when you found out you were pregnant, it was terrifying, because all you could think of is that you were going to be just like your mother.

You still remember that day as if it had been yesterday, and not three years ago. It was winter, late night, and you knew Quinn wouldn’t get home from his away game until the morning after.

Bella looked at you with a stressed expression on her face, putting her paw on your thigh, as you were sitting on the toilet’s lid and staring at the plastic thing on your other thigh.

Positive, it read. And it couldn’t be, not with you.

You and Quinn had a decent amount of sex, but even though you ditched the condom a long time ago, you still took your birth control pills religiously, you hadn’t been sloppy.

And now, after two weeks of constant headaches, nauseous and sore boobs, you decided to listen to your heart and buy a couple of tests. Despite doing all of that, you didn’t expect them to turn out to be positive.

It was scary as hell. You pondered calling Emma, your therapist, but then you checked the time on your phone and it was already three a.m. Besides, you felt bad for telling her first, and not Quinn or Victoria even.

What the hell am I going to do?, you keep asking yourself. You knew that Quinn wanted to have kids, but what about those couples who fall out of love when they have kids? Or those people who start complaining about children all the time?

Or what if I turn out to be just like my mom, the hidden, dark part of you asks, and the thought sends you into a spiral. What if I turn out just like my mom?!

You rest your head between your hands, letting the first tears roll down your face, freely. For the first time ever you were happy that Quinn wasn’t around you because you don’t even know what you would tell him.

Bella continues to whimper beside you and even though you want to tell her you’re fine, you couldn’t. Because you weren’t.

“Sweets? What’s wrong?”

Quinn’s voice scares you so hard you get up from the lid, gasping as the test falls from your thigh, hitting the carpet underneath your feet with the softest thud.

“Quinn?” You ask, trying to wipe your tears as fastest as you could. “What are you doing here? You said you’d be back tomorrow.”

“We left the arena earlier but—” he steps closer, his hands finding your waist immediately. “What happened, baby? Are you hurt? Do we need to visit the hospital? What’s going on?”

His soothing voice only made you cry more, because you could totally picture him talking like this with a little baby, your baby. Quinn would be the most perfect father ever, and you had always known it.

He puts your head in the space between his neck and shoulder, rocking you gently as he often did whenever you had a meltdown— rare moments that happen from time to time, always with him by your side to take care of you.

He didn’t force you to speak, he never did. He respected your time, and even when sometimes you only wanted to talk about the things upsetting you days later, he’d respect your wishes. And you love him so much for that.

“I’m pregnant,” you say, the words coming out muffled since your mouth was hidden.

Quinn freezes for a second, pulling you just the slightest bit away, his blue eyes searching for something inside of yours. Whatever he found, it only made him frown.

“I think I misheard what you said. Can you repeat, baby?”

“I’m pregnant,” You finally say, feeling the tears that had stopped for a minute coming back with more strength. “I’m sorry.”

His frown deepens. “What are you sorry for, baby? Don’t say that.”

“I swear I took all of my pills,” you choke on your tears, shaking your head. “I did everything right but—”

“Maddie, look at me,” Quinn grabs your chin, forcing you to look at him. “This isn’t your fault, sweets, there’s no such thing as saying sorry because you’re pregnant. The moment we decided to have sex without a condom we knew this could happen. It’s fine, baby, we will work it out. It’s my responsibility too.”

“I know you don’t want this now,” you whisper. “I know the timing is bad. That’s what I’m sorry for.”

Quinn kisses your cheek before intertwining his hand with yours and getting you both out of the bathroom, with Bella following behind you. He took you to the kitchen, sitting you on one of the stools and filling up the baby blue kettle that sat on the counter with water. While he waited, he turned around and walked back at you, kissing your head.

“In what world do you live in, baby?” He chuckles. “Of course I want a baby with you, Maddie. You’re the love of my life.”

Your heart jumped inside your chest, the tiniest hint of a smile appearing on your face.

“I’m just— you’re in the middle of the season. I have work too. And—what are we going to do, if we decide to k-keep it?”

“I think it’s too soon for you to decide anything, mhm? I’m not an expert, but I know we have some time before deciding what you want to do. Either way, I’ll be holding your hand the entire time.” He smiles at you again, booping your nose, like he often did.

The kettle beeps, and Quinn runs straight to it, turning it off and pouring the water in your favorite mug, where he had already put a chamomile tea bag inside of it.

He also poured a little bit of cold water, just to get the tea’s temperature perfect for you to drink.

“No sugar for you, because you’re already sweet enough.”

You laugh between your tears. “Will you someday stop talking about the fact that I don’t like to drink tea with sugar?”

“I don’t think so, baby, but I’ll try.” He winks, the mood lighter.

You drank your tea with Quinn by your side, talking about his game and how things went. He knew you liked when he talked about his work, so the fact that he started doing it without you asking meant a lot to you.

As he talked, you tried to organize your thoughts inside your head. Which hadn’t been easy.

“I don’t wanna be like her.” You whisper, and Quinn smiles sadly at you, shaking his head.

You haven’t spoken with your family in years. You’d yearly text them on their birthdays, but you’d always block them right after, not wanting them to reach you. It was just still hard for you to understand how your own family didn’t want anything to do with you, so you kept doing that, just for your peace of mind.

It wasn’t like you missed having them in your life, because you reached a point where all the memories you had of them were bad. And when you married Quinn, and added his last name to yours? It was like your mom finally reached her breaking point and unleashed all of her disgust for you in one go, during a very harsh phone call, where Quinn had to intervene and turn it off. “It will be the last time you’ll speak to my wife like this, do you hear me? I don’t care who you are or what you do. This is the last time, Jessica.”

And it had been the last time indeed.

“You won’t ever be like her, baby.”

“You don’t know that,” you frown. “I’ve heard people talking before, y’know? I remember how they’d say my mom was different before I was born. And sometimes Peter would talk about it too. She might’ve not loved my dad, but she was happy before me. Will I be the same if we keep the baby?”

Quinn holds your hand and caresses it with his thumb. “You already know the answer to that, Maddie. You’re nothing like her, and you never will be,” he kisses your lips. “Besides, why are you so worried about being a mom? Aren’t you one already?”

You laugh, looking at Bella slaughter her tennis ball on the couch.

“I guess you’re right.”

Lila frowns at Quinn’s tears, looking at you for help, because she had never seen her Daddy cry before.

“Why daddy cry?” she asks, before taking little steps and stopping in front of him, little hands wiping his face. “Don’t cry, daddy.”

“These are tears of joy, babygirl,” he laughs, hugging her tiny body, their beautiful curls touching each other. “Of course you can be daddy, baby. In fact, we’ll both be daddy.”

Lila’s giggle fills up the entire room, and she runs around, happily.

“Be careful, love,” you tell her, resting your head on Quinn’s shoulders, watching as Lila sits on top of Bella, making her growl loudly. “We have to get going, though, baby. Grandpa is waiting for you with Grandma.”

“U-uncle Luke?” she asks, making you laugh and Quinn sigh.

“What’s up with that unhealthy obsession of hers with Luke?”

“It’s probably the curls,” you joke, teasing him. “And the smile.”

“I have curls and a beautiful smile too, Madison, I’m not following.” He furrowed his eyebrows, and you giggled at his jealous face.

“We have to get ready, come on,” you tell him, before getting up and searching for Lila’s jersey with Quinn’s name and number on it, while Quinn looked for his.

“Why aren’t you wearing a costume, Maddie? Lila, your mommy’s boring.” Jack rolls his eyes at you, his arms reaching out for Lila as soon as he opens the door. “And look at you, huh? Are you supposed to be Quinn?”

“Mommy’s not— boring. And I wanna be daddy.” Lila wraps her hand around Jack’s neck, holding him close. “Uncle Luke?”

“I’m here, princess,” Luke says, standing behind Jack and smiling at Lila, who makes grabby hands and jumps to his arms right away, making both Quinn and Jack pout. You laughed behind your hands.

Thankfully, Lila managed to distract everyone from the fact that you were the only person not wearing a costume. For your surprise to work, it wouldn’t make sense for you to wear anything. Earlier, you had told Quinn that you hadn’t had time to buy anything, which had been a straight up lie. But he didn’t question you anyway, just told you that next time you could ask him to buy it for you.

Jim and Ellen’s house was packed with people, some of the family’s friends and cousins, all dressed up and cheerful. You spent the entire evening making sure that everything was perfect for your surprise, while Quinn took care of Lila— or tried to take care of her, since your little girl hadn’t left her uncle’s arms yet.

“Okay, so, everyone,” you start, watching as Quinn’s family sits on the gigantic table in the backyard, with Lila sitting on Luke’s lap and Quinn beside Ellen and one of his cousins. “Last thing we’re doing before dinner is the pumpkin carving contest. The prettiest one will win.”

“Who will be the judge?” Jack asks.

“Me.” You grin at him, hearing his complaints.

Thankfully, everyone was very competitive, and seemed to be enjoying the little game. You eyed Quinn surreptitiously, trying your hardest not to catch his attention before he found your surprise, which happened ten minutes later, after he opened the pumpkin in front of him, suddenly interrupting his talk with his cousin.

You watched as he read the little card you left for him inside the orange fruit, his blue eyes immediately finding yours.

“Why is it so hot in here?” you say to no one, removing your hoodie and placing it on the chair beside where you were standing, stretching your shirt that read Growing Our Little Pumpkin, the cheesy line written with a funny calligraphy.

“Madison.”

Somehow, Quinn’s serious tone reached everyone’s ears, and now all of them, minus Lila who was very entertained with writing on Luke’s pumpkin, were staring at you and, well, your shirt.

You found out that you were expecting again two weeks ago, deciding not to tell Quinn immediately, this time not out of fear but out of want for doing something special, and since Ellen had already arranged this costume party, you thought this would be the perfect moment.

“Oh my God!” Ellen shouts beside Quinn, her smile brighter than the moon decorating the sky. “Oh my God!”

Quinn gets up so fast you barely have time to breathe before his arms are wrapped around your body, squeezing you tightly.

“Baby, are you serious? Is this a joke?” he asks, voice quivering a little.

“No,” you laugh. “I’m pregnant, love.”

“Fuck, I love you so much,” he glues his lips to yours, and even though you can hear his family’s cheers for you and Lila laughing somewhere, nothing else matters, except for how Quinn holds you.

And if you stop to think for a moment, nothing has ever mattered more than your love for him in your life. You weren’t exactly sure if that was healthy or not, but after caring about the wrong people for so long, you were happy to finally have found something that was yours to keep. Quinn, Lila, the baby growing inside you, his parents and brothers— they were part of you now, and would always be.

Loving Quinn was the best decision of your entire life.

And now you were the person who’d get to keep him for life.

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madisonhughes

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madisonhughes past few days :)

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user1 HELLO??? SHE’S PREGNANT AGAIN!????

maddiehughes_updates SHE’S PREGNANT

lhughes_06 missing lila :,(

adrianalima Omg congrats!!!! 🥹

canucks Baby Hughes no 2 💙

vic_alonso can we name the baby victoria if it’s a girl and victorio if it’s a boy

madisonhughes vic_alonso no.

jackhughes madisonhughes vic_alonso don’t be silly. Jack if it’s a boy, Jackie if it’s a girl.

_quinnhughes jackhughes 🤦

nickharris_img i love u 😗😗

user2 Lila will be a big sister 😭😭😭

user3 I will kms right now so I can reincarnate as your kid

| THROUGH THE YEARS |

taglist: @hischierswhore @ru-kru @alwaysclassyeagle @he6rtshaker @nope-i-am-done @nngkay @urthem00n 🤎

[scribere-flores]

Sabo x Reader

~Just as a hypothetical question~

Part 4. Other Parts

Word count: 4,5k words

Short summary: Reader spends her morning getting whiplash. Sabo is a touched starved mess.

A healthy amount of fluff and spiraling dirty thoughts in this part. Things get a little heated at one point, but nothing graphic yet. (Love building up the tension)

MDNI 18+

___

This must be the most wonderful dream.

Y/N was laying with her head against a chest, a strong arm gently wrapped around her back. She didn’t dare to open her eyes, afraid the wonderful dream would end if she did it. A comforting warmth embraced her whole being, as she carefully traced small loops on the soft skin.

She couldn’t find the right words to describe what the wonderful dream made her feel. Secure, or maybe cared for? Whatever the name of the feeling was, it made her whole body tingle, filled to the brim with warmth.

For some reason, Y/N imagined that her head was resting on the handsome revolutionary. The man that had comforted her last night when she slipped up. Had that really happened, or had that also been part of her wonderful dream? Whatever happened, the weird punch-drink was surely to blame for her mistake.

Her hand moved upward, her fingers tracing a path from the neck to a strong jawline. Was this what it would feel like to touch him, even if it wasn’t a dream? Her thumb touched something soft, lips maybe? She could feel how the mouth parted, a hot puff of air grazing over the upper part of her hand.

Suddenly she could feel something bite down on her thumb. Which was strange, since if this was a dream, she shouldn’t be able to feel any pain. Y/N reluctantly began to open her eyes.

And to her surprise, she saw Sabo with a smug grin across his lips. Biting down on her thumb.

Oh Dear God… this is not a dream. Abort, abort abort!!

“Please, don’t stop on my account.” Sabo said, making a wave of embarrassment wash over her.

Y/N jumped back, moving away from the handsome devil. Dear God, had she really just done that? She could feel her heartbeat quickly picking up pace, a hot feeling spreading through her body.

She looked around in an attempt to get some grasp on her current situation. She was in Sabo’s room, now sitting on the end of his bed. Far away from him, but not far enough. Dear God, don’t tell her he was completely naked under that blanket.

At least Y/N saw that she was wearing a large oversized button-down shirt and no pants. The shirt smelled like him and felt soft against her skin. She was wearing underwear, which was good. And the shirt looked kinda cute too… AND THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT!

Had she changed clothes herself last night, or had he undressed her? Dear God, had he seen her naked?! She couldn’t for the life of her remember what had happened after they had left that lake. Why was she in his bedroom? Had they done something during the night?

Y/N felt like she was starting to get dizzy from all the questions in her head, and from the fact that she had shamelessly let her hands travel all over him just moments ago. Her slow descent into madness was interrupted by Sabo’s laugh filling the room.

“You really are too fucking cute when you’re flustered” Sabo wiped a tear from his eye.

“I- How?- What…” Y/N tried to ask him what had happened, but all she managed to say was incoherent words put together in a jumbled mess. She took a deep breath and tried again. “My clothes?”

“Oh, you probably don’t remember anything after you fell asleep last night, right?” Sabo asked, and Y/N nodded in response.

“First off, I did not change your clothes. You did that on your own, even though you were half asleep when you did it. And I had my back turned the entire time. So, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do something like that unless you wanted me to.” He explained as he gave her a kind smile.

Y/N let out a sigh in relief. That was good to know. At least now she didn’t have to worry about the possibility that she had also stripped down in front of him. This situation was already bad enough.

The feeling of shame slowly faded away when she heard another small laugh escape Sabo’s lips. You gotta be kidding? She was practically dying from embarrassment, and he was amused?

“Why am I in your room?” Y/N asked, seeing a satisfied smirk spread over Sabo’s face right after.

“Well, you were clinging onto me like your life depended on it and refused to sleep in your own bed. Something about my bed having a nicer scent?” Y/N could feel the blush spread over her cheeks. “To be completely honest, I was kinda surprised when you blatantly asked me to sleep together. Didn’t mind it though, you were acting fucking adorable. Practically begging me to hold you and-”

“CAN YOU PLEASE STOP!” She exclaimed, hiding her face in her hands.

She could hear a small chuckle escape Sabo’s mouth. A blanket was draped over the lower half of his body, bare torso on full display. He somehow seemed to be totally relaxed with this situation, sitting with his legs stretched out and hands behind his head.

Like he wasn’t bothered, flustered or even embarrassed about the fact that Y/N practically had her thumb in his mouth less than five minutes ago.

“Sorry, I may have overexaggerated a little, but you’re too fun to tease. So please, don’t be mad at me.” Sabo said, giving her that kind, dangerous smile. “Truth is, you were pretty upset last night. And it was kinda my fault for pushing you too far, so I didn’t want you to be alone if it got worse during the night. I know what it’s like, or at least I understand why you were sad.”

Y/N felt her heart flutter.

This was not fair. How was she supposed to keep her distance from him, when he kept saying and doing stuff like that.

Sabo was a revolutionary, a man that was supposed to despise the Noble class and anyone from it. She was 90% sure he had figured out her background already, and that he had known the moment they met.

So why did he not call her bluff out? Why did he treat her with such kindness at times? Why did he want to comfort her when she was sad? None of it made any sense.

And all of it made her confused. Her emotions felt like a jumbled mess, and he kept stirring them around with every teasing remark and caring word. Y/N didn’t know what to expect from him any longer.

But somewhere, buried deep inside her, she hoped that his words were true. That he didn’t just do this to play with her for his own amusement. That the stupid feelings she had started to develop wasn’t going to make her feel like a fool later on.

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention to make you upset, so please don’t cry.” Sabo said as he gave her a worried look, suddenly moving closer so he was sitting face to face with her.

“Cry?” Y/N asked, as she brought her hand up to touch her cheek. It felt wet. “Oh… I didn’t notice. Sorry, don’t let it bother you. I’m fine.”

“Stop saying stuff like that.” Sabo sighed, before grabbing hold of her hands and giving her a serious look. “It’s normal to be sad at times, you don’t have to hide it. I don’t mind and I won’t ever be bothered by it either. It’s my fault you’re upset, and I apologize for making you feel this way. So please, stop saying you’re fine, when you’re not.”

Oh no, he completely misunderstood her tears…

Y/N felt her heart picking up in pace. She looked at her hands engulfed by Sabo’s, his hands felt warm. The same comforting warmth she had felt in her wonderful not-a-dream this morning.

She didn’t want him to think he’d done anything wrong, when he hadn’t. He had only wanted to comfort her when she was sad last night.

And Y/N felt grateful for that. It wasn’t anything she had experienced before. Sabo was the first that had ever wanted to do something like that for her.

“But, I am fine… I think I’m just happy you wanted to do that for me.” She admitted, rather sheepishly.

A relieved smile spread over Sabo’s lips, as he let go of her hands and fell back on the bed.

“Thank fucking God! I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself if I made a cute girl cry twice. Well, at least if she cried for the wrong reason.” He chuckled, fully back to his normal, unserious self within seconds.

“The wrong reason? You make it sound like there’s a right reason to cry.” Y/N asked, moving closer so she could see Sabo’s face.

“Oh, there’s definitely a right reason… Curious?” He asked with a wide grin.

“Well, maybe a little? I can’t think of anything that would make me-”

Y/N pondering was cut off by a hand pulling her arm. And a moment later, she laid on her back, pinned under Sabo and confused beyond belief.

She could feel a warm flush spread through her, as she saw the bare, toned body over her. At least he had underwear on, which was good. She would probably have passed out if he had been completely naked.

Sabo wasted no time pinning her arms over her head with one hand, as he gently placed his other hand on her waist, giving her no chance to escape. The concerned eyes she had seen just moments ago were now filled with a mischievous look.

Whiplash. That was the only word to describe this feeling.

“Tell me your name, and I promise I’ll have you crying for the right reason within an hour.” Sabo whispered into her ear, hot breath tickling her neck.

This position, this situation, everything about this! It was far too intimate and out of nowhere. Y/N wasn’t dumb, she knew what Sabo meant by that.

It wasn’t like she disliked it, in fact she even felt a little excited. His thumb made small circles on her stomach through the fabric of her shirt. His touch felt warm and comforting, yet at the same time, expectant and demanding.

But everything was happening way too fast. How could he be so comfortable doing this when they hadn’t even kissed? Unless…

She took a deep breath, sparking a curious look in Sabo’s eyes, as she mustered up the courage to ask the embarrassing question that desperately needed an answer.

“Last night, did we, you know… I mean, I would have liked it if it was with you- I just want to know before-” The words rambled out of her mouth, a bright red blush spread over her face.

It looked like Sabo froze for a second, before he leaned back so he was sitting on his knees over her hips. He moved the hand holding her wrist, placing it over his mouth.

“She’s even admitting to wanting it now…” He said under his breath, barely loud enough for X to hear it.

“S-Sabo?” She stuttered.

She could see a soft pink tint on Sabo’s cheeks as his eyes roamed over her body. A small gasp escaped her lips when the grip on her waist tightened.

“God, you look fucking lovely when you say my name…” He sighed as his hands started to travel over her body. Not touching anywhere inappropriate, but close enough. The now familiar knot in her stomach was back, the knot she got anytime he touched her.

“Do you know how hard it was to hold back when you kept touching me like that this morning? You looked so goddamn cute, it took everything in me to not rip that shirt off you and kiss every inch of your body. I wanted to touch you so fucking bad, see you twitching under me. Hear you moan my name over and over until that was the only sound your pretty mouth could make.” His voice sounded like honey, somehow making the dirty words sound gentle.

“And now you’re telling me you want to? Do you even know how frustrated that makes me, when all I want to do is bend you over the nearest surface and fuck you oblivious.” Sabo’s lewd explanation was beginning to make her head spin.

Y/N hadn’t noticed when it happened, but Sabo was now leaning over her, one knee pressed in between her thighs. One of his hand was traveling up and down her leg, bending it and squeezing her bare skin. Every greedy touch against her body, left a hot feeling in its wake.

An involuntary moan escaped her mouth as she felt a palm against her throat.

“But noo, I can’t do that. Because I don’t even know what your goddamn name is. And just the thought of not knowing is driving me fucking insane and-”

Sabo stopped, looking like he just caught up with what he had been saying and doing for the past few minutes.

Y/N’s body felt hot and tingly, and it felt like the knot in her stomach was about to snap. Heavy breaths escaped her parted mouth as she looked up on the handsome man towering over. One of his hands still pressed against her throat, the other placed under her thigh.

Did he really want to do all that to her? She didn’t even know what half the things he said meant. Twitching? Oblivious? What did he even mean with those words?

Sabo still looked a little lost in thought, but seemed to snap out of it when she moved his hand away from her throat.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Just give me a moment.” He said with a closed eyed smile, before he got off the bed and walked to the bathroom.

Y/N sat up on the bed, utterly confused as she heard the tap on the bathroom sink turn on. A moment later, a muffled scream came from behind the door. It sounded like someone screaming under water.

Then there was silence for a minute before Sabo walked back into the bedroom, giving her the same closed-eyed smile, but now with water dripping from his hair.

Whiplash, again.

“S-Sabo?” Y/N stuttered, not sure how to react. “W-why are you wet?”

“Don’t worry about it. I just needed to cool down a bit.” Sabo said with a kind smile, as he pulled a pair of trousers over his legs.

“You were- And then- But now- I’m so confused…” She sighed, rubbing the area between her eyes as she tried wrapping her head around what just happened.

“I know, and I apologize for my behavior.” He answered in a calm voice as he put on a blue, button up shirt, before sitting down on the bed. “You’re just so fucking cute sometimes, it’s a little hard to hold back. But don’t worry, nothing happened last night. And nothing will happen, at least until I know who you are. After that… Well, I can’t make any promises. I would never do something unless you want to, that goes without saying. But I like you way too much to not at least try.”

Sabo’s blatant confession made her heart skip a beat.

How could he say those things in such a calm manner? Did he really like her? And was it the same type of ‘like’ as she was starting to feel for him?

What was she even supposed to say after hearing that? It felt like he was being honest with her right now, so maybe it would only be fair if she was honest too.

“It’s okay, I mean, about what you did earlier. I- I kind of liked it and-” Y/N’s flustered mess of words was interrupted by a hand over her mouth. She looked at Sabo and saw his eye twitch.

“Please, stop talking. You’re literally torturing me right now.” He said with a strained smile and waited for Y/N to nod in response before moving his hand away.

“Look, I really, really, want to know who you are. But I don’t want to push you about it and make you upset again. So you can tell me on your own, if you want. Which you won’t, because you’re stubborn. But don’t worry, I have other ways of finding that information.” Sabo said, giving her a reassuring look.

It felt good hearing him say that. Y/N still didn’t want anyone to find out who she was, or were before running away. She was ready to leave that life behind her and start over.

But she could tell Sabo wouldn’t give up either, even if he stopped pestering her about it. Maybe she could make him drop it if she pressured him a little.

“Why are you so obsessed with finding out who I am to begin with?” She asked, thinking this was a good place to start.

“You mean beside the fact that I want to know your name before I turn you into a cute, moaning mess?” He answered, grinning as something flickered in his eyes.

Whiplash…

Y/N nodded with a forced smile.

“Well besides that, it’s kinda my job as the Chief of Staff to know stuff.” Sabo said with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Chief of Staff? For this base? Isn’t that a lot of responsibility? And in that case, shouldn’t it be Koala’s job?” She asked, hearing a small chuckle from Sabo right after.

“No, not just this base. For the entire Revolutionary Army, and yes it’s a lot of responsibility. Koala is my partner, she can really be a godsend at times. The other’s say she keeps me in check, and they're kinda right… But don’t get me wrong, I’m good at what I do.” He explained.

“What do you mean ‘the entire Revolutionary Army’?” Y/N said, even more confused than before.

“Hmm, how can I explain this?” Sabo pondered for a moment, before he went and got a notepad from the desk, drawing something on a plank page. “It’s a big organization, so I’ll try keeping it simple. These five people are the Army commanders, they are responsible for overseeing the Army in one different area of the world each. They also have partners like I have Koala.”

He pointed to five blobs on the page that she guessed were supposed to resemble people.

Sabo was bad at drawing. That was kinda cute.

“I don’t really like using the word ‘above’ when talking about myself, but for this explanation I think it’s the easiest word to describe it. So, above the Army commanders is me. And above me is Dragon. Even you must know who he is, right?” He pointed with a pen, moving it up on the paper as he went along.

“Yes, I know who he is… But I’m still not following.” Y/N sighed.

“Dragon holds the highest authority in the Army. The one with highest authority after Dragon…” Sabo stated, then a bright smile spread over his face as he pointed to himself. “Me!”

“Y-you?” She stuttered, feeling a shiver run down her back.

“Yes, I’m the Second in Command within the Revolutionary Army. Pretty impressive, right?” He had a proud look in his eyes. “Oh, you can’t tell anyone though. My identity is kind of a secret to outsiders.”

Danger.

Alarm bells started ringing in Y/N’s head. The handsome, blond man that smiled at her so brightly was not just a regular revolutionary. He wasn’t someone who followed orders and just happened to treat her with kindness.

He posed a real threat to her. Sabo was the Second in Command over the organization that took pleasure in torturing Nobles. There was no way someone with such a high position would let her be, if he found out who she was.

A cold sweat made her shirt cling to her back. Sabo was giving her a confused look.

“Hey, are you okay? You’re not sick, right?” He said as he put his hand against her forehead, making X flinch.

This man was dangerous. He was probably manipulating her into a false sense of security, playing on her emotions. And after he was satisfied, he would most definitely drag her to the guillotine.

Not a thing Sabo had said was true. The Revolutionary Army hated Nobles, despised them in fact. That was the undeniable truth, even if it made Y/N’s heart break.

She had been such a fool, believing that he was different from what she had been told about the Revolutionaries. Believing that he really liked her, that he cared for her.

She needed to get away from this base, from him. She just needed a little time to plan her escape, and until then, she had to avoid him at all cost.

Y/N stood up from the bed and turned towards the door, hair hanging over her face. She knew escaping was the logical thing to do if she wanted to leave with her life intact. She knew that was the only way.

So, why did it have to hurt so much?

“I’m gonna go now.” Y/N said, quickly running out the door.

She didn’t want to give Sabo the chance of stopping her. If he did that, she might not be able to stop the tears that desperately wanted to fall from her eyes.

None of this was fair.

___

“Hey, wait… And she’s already gone.” Sabo sighed as he fell back on his bed.

What the fuck happened?

One moment they were having a normal conversation, and in the next one Jane Doe was running out of the room. He thought back on their conversation, trying to figure out what he could have done to make her do that.

Was it because he had said he liked her? He couldn’t think of anything else that would make her run away. She was embarrassed and probably felt a bit shy, there was no other explanation.

“She’s so fucking cute.” He whispered to himself as the memories from the night started to come back in his mind.

Sabo liked the mystery girl. He liked the sound of her voice. He liked how easily flustered she would get. He liked the feeling of her cuddling against his chest. He liked how stubborn she was. He liked the warm feeling he got in his chest when he was around her.

And he fucking loved her smile. Anytime she smiled it felt like the world surrounding him became ten times brighter.

So yeah, Sabo definitely liked her. There was no use denying that anymore.

Not after he spent the entire night planning how to keep her with him for as long as possible. He wouldn’t describe himself as a scheming person, but it was always good to have a plan. And a backup in case the first plan didn’t work out.

He felt a desperate need to have her near him, to keep her safe. Sabo knew how dangerous the world could be, and he didn’t want anything to happen to her. She had already been through enough, growing up around people who treated her like that.

Bringing him to the other thoughts that had occupied his mind during the night. How was he going to make sure those disgusting bugs never came looking for her again? Sabo had thought about it a lot, and still wasn’t sure what the best way to go about it was.

A revolution was a delicate thing. And a provocation (like crushing some noble’s skull, for example) at the wrong time, could cause their enemies to seek revenge. That would most likely put a lot of civilians in the crossfire, and Sabo wasn’t willing to let innocent people get hurt for his personal gain.

The problem would solve itself after the revolution was over anyway. When they won, the noble class system in this country would be abolished, the ruling class would most likely be put on trial and sentenced to at least some years in prison. Or maybe they would be exiled from this Island. Whatever happened was up to the people to decide. And the outcome would serve as a means to protect the lovely angel he had held during the night from being found.

All Sabo needed to know was her name, and everything would be fine.

Maybe it was better if he just patiently waited until the girl told him. She would tell him at some point, if they kept getting to know each other.

He didn’t want to keep anything hidden from her, he would tell her anything she wanted to know. It didn’t matter if it was a question about his job, or why he pinned her to the bed with a desperate need to touch her.

If she wanted to know why he did that, and the reason was because he liked her so much he was slowly going insane, he would tell her. It was just dumb to hide it, when she had such a cute reaction when hearing it, running away to hide her adorable, flustered face.

He was sure that was the reason she left in a hurry.

Sabo just needed to be a little bit patient.

Only problem was that it was becoming increasingly hard to hold back around her. When in reality, all he wanted to do was mark every inch of her body, leaving proof of how much he craved to have her near.

Earlier, when Sabo pinned her under him, he had really planned to only tease the poor girl a little. But then that cute blush spread over her face and those sweet words left her mouth.

‘I mean, I would have liked it if it was with you-’

He nearly lost his fucking mind when she said that. Before he even knew what he was doing, lewd, airy moans kept slipping past her lips as his hands roamed over her body. She looked fucking angelic in that moment, and it took everything within him to stop himself.

And then, that angel told him that she had liked it. He could have sworn his heart stopped beating for a second.

But he held back. Sabo had promised himself he wouldn’t sleep with her until he knew her name.

And how he desperately craved to know that name…

“Fuck… Maybe waiting will be too hard.” He sighed, as he touched the place on his lips her thumb had pressed against this morning.

It wasn't a delusion, that girl liked him too.

And it wouldn’t be fair to keep her waiting too long, right?

___

[poorlittleyaoyao]

But Madam Qin explicitly did not want to doom Qin Su to the incest marriage. When she got the wedding invitation even after warning JGY she fainted dead away on the spot and died of depression shortly afterwards and could only bring herself to warn Bicao on her death bed.

I assume this is in response to my tags on this post about "plot holes" in MDZS, in which my exact words were "JGY and Madam Qin decided quietly dooming QS to the incest marriage was the best option." Deciding that something is the best option is not the same as wanting it. Deciding to amputate a gangrenous limb so the infection doesn't spread and kill me doesn't mean I want to chop my arm off, it means I've determined that this is the least-damaging option available to me.

I totally agree that Madam Qin did not want her daughter to marry her own half-brother, which is why I picked that option as the plot hole that is the hardest to give a Watsonian explanation for using the text alone. The other things listed on that poll don't impact the plot overmuch and can be explained based on other behavior we've seen from the characters and/or other expressly-stated events or aspects of the setting itself. Qin Su's pregnancy, however, is a fairly major plot point, and it being treated as something 100% inescapable where the only options are disgrace or a timely marriage, is contrary to what we know about this world and these characters. Madam Qin is not granted the privilege of having a character to begin with; all we know about her is that Jin Guangshan raped her, she kept this a secret, and that Jin Guangyao and Qin Su marrying despite her attempts to prevent it was so distressing to her that she died. Given that she so desperately wants her daughter to avoid being trapped in this marriage, but Qin Su is already pregnant, why is abortion not considered? There are possible explanations, but all of them require the reader to invent them wholecloth, because nothing we are told about her facilitates an explanation. Again, "doesn't want the incest marriage" is her primary personality trait. This is counter to that.

I do not feel it is reasonable to assume that abortifacients simply don't exist in the MDZS universe, because they exist--and have existed throughout history--in real life. They might not be safe, and they might not be effective, and they may be viewed as immoral depending on the cultural norms, but they exist. The MDZS world has magic. We see multiple characters casually walk off stab wounds even if they're of middling cultivation level. If Ancient Fantasy China's medical knowledge allows someone to successfully transplant Xiao Xingchen's entire eyes into Song Lan's head--a surgery that was only accomplished in the real world last year, with no vision in the transplanted eye--then surely abortion exists.

Meanwhile, Jin Guangyao would 100% know about abortion. He grew up in a brothel. Brothels sell sex. Sex sometimes causes unplanned pregnancy. Pregnancy for someone working in a brothel is generally a liability to be dealt with. There is no indication that we cannot apply these assumptions to the brothel in Yunping. Ergo, Jin Guangyao would know and should have at least considered it for Qin Su. There is no indication that he does.

Now--and I'm putting this in bold because this website can't read--that does not mean that there is no possible way for events to unfold as they did. There are many reasons why Madam Qin and Jin Guangyao would both disregard abortion as an option. If neither of them is willing to tell Qin Su the truth, they would need to give her drugs or treatment without her consent, and perhaps neither of them was willing to do that. Perhaps Jin Guangyao in his childhood witnessed self-induced abortions gone wrong and was unwilling to expose Qin Su to that risk, unconvinced that her social status would allow her access to better, safer care. Perhaps Madam Qin, struggling alone during her own unwanted pregnancy, had a bad experience of her own or was given bad information that convinced her abortion would be too dangerous. Maybe MDZS is like the Star Wars universe and is garbage at reproductive care specifically. Or something else entirely! The issue is that abortion is never considered within the text itself at all--not by the two parties in the know at the time, not by the peanut gallery listening to Bicao, and not by anybody interrogating Jin Guangyao at Guanyin Temple. And given how important the pregnancy is as a plot point, that's an issue!

[militantinremission]

Is Media's Support of Kamala Harris doing more Harm than Good?

I wanted to hear from All Sides before going over the Presidential Debate. In My Opinion, The Winner of the Harris- Trump Debate was Dr. Jill Stein. Her Presidential Campaign w/ Running Mate, Dr. Butch Ware is gaining steam following their Interviews w/ The Breakfast Club & Mehdi Hasan. They look like the Adults in the Room. The ABC sponsored Debate generated a lot of feedback, but neither Candidate performed very well. Kamala Harris appeared poised, but her Message is [still] too general. Time is running out, so Kamala should be more specific about what a 'Harris- Walz Administration' will look like over the next 4Yrs. Donald Trump looked comfortable in 'Enemy Territory', but may have overestimated his readiness. The Man's debate performance resembled a Sales Presentation; he appeared to be ad libbing off a list of Bullet Points, opposed to the Talking Points that Kamala Harris used. NEITHER were effective in explaining their Agenda, so I gave both Candidates a Grade of 'C'.

Following the Debate, Kamala Harris gave a brief interview to Philadelphia Action News Anchor, Brian Taff that rose eyebrows. In that Interview, Kamala lacked the poise displayed during the Debate; she was back to her Bad Habits. Body Language Experts had a field day comparing & contrasting Kamala Harris' mannerisms from the Debate Stage, to the Action News Interview. A few Content Creators began to ask if Kamala was prepped for the Debate. Meanwhile, critiques of ABC Debate Moderators, David Muir & Lindsey Davis began to echo across Social Media Platforms. Harris' next appearance, at the NABJ Forum in Philadelphia didn't help. Despite a warm reception & softball questions from the Moderators, Kamala Harris appeared uncomfortable, uncertain, & eventually bothered by the questions being asked. She barely shook hands w/ the Moderators before leaving the Stage. Around this time, Post Debate Poll Numbers were coming out.

The Harris- Trump Debate was anticipated, but did little to change hearts & minds. Kamala Harris Supporters felt that she not only handled Trump, but clearly won the Debate. Donald Trump Supporters admit this wasn't his best Debate performance, but they say that Trump held his own in a '3 against 1' Fight. Even CNN pointed out that ABC Debate Moderators fact checked Donald Trump far more than they did Kamala Harris. The usual back & forth between Pundits followed, but was brought to a full stop when an ABC News Whistleblower released a letter that accuses ABC/ Disney of colluding w/ the Harris-Walz Campaign. In a Sworn Affidavit, the Whistleblower says that Harris Staffers dictated which Topics were off limits, while ABC provided Harris w/ sample questions. Using Post Debate Interviews as a Standard for Comparison, Kamala Harris' Opponents point out how much her Pre & Post Debate Interviews contrast w/ her Debate Performance. They cite them as proof that ABC prepped her for their Sept. 10th Debate. Kamala's association w/ Disney Co- Chair Dana Walden & Anchor Lindsey Davis didn't help matters.

The Takeaways from the Debate were:

The Border Crisis

Late Term Abortions

Transgender Surgery for Illegal Immigrants

Haitian Immigrants eating Ducks, Geese, & Cats in Springfield, Ohio.

Despite the narrative of a Harris Victory, Post Debate conversation hasn't benefitted Kamala Harris or helped her Poll Numbers. Any percentage bump that she may have gained was quickly nullified by a 2nd Assassination attempt on Donald Trump at a neighboring Golf Course near his Mar A Largo Residence. Political Insiders say that regardless of what Polling Trends may show, Kamala Harris is in the Electoral College 'Danger Zone'. Her numbers are starting to plateau, while Trump is on the rebound. This might have been the inspiration behind Oprah's Town Hall Rally in Michigan. In yet another DNC friendly environment- complete w/ Celebrity Endorsements, Kamala meandered her way through some pretty straight forward questions. Oprah had to lend an assist on more than one occasion, & very few missed it. Her overall performance was underwhelming; even Oprah had to admit that Kamala failed to answer questions. The Harris-Walz Campaign attempted to shore up deficits in Pennsylvania & Michigan, but did little to influence Rural or Muslim American Voters in either Swing State.

In what has been a very busy News Cycle for Presidential Politics, an unexpected comment from Janet Jackson has created yet another Media Storm. In an interview w/ The Guardian, Janet was asked her thoughts on a 'Black Woman' winning the Election for POTUS. She replied: "Well you know what they supposedly said? She's not Black. That's what I heard. That she's Indian". When the reporter tried to insist that Kamala was BiRacial, Janet doubled down on her answer. Democratic Shills- from Joy Reid & the Ladies of 'The View', to DL Hughley & Roland Martin had something to say about Janet's opinion. To Date, I think I heard Kamala say that she is Black ONCE. This came after seeing a number of Campaign Ads that identified her as a 'Black Woman of Asian Descent', & hearing several Democratic Shills say [relentlessly] that Kamala Harris IS Black. For The Record, BOTH of her Parents identify as 'Caucasian' (Aryan) on their Birth Certificate. I don't understand what the DNC is trying to accomplish. Kamala has yet to be specific about her Agenda for the next 4Yrs. She has begun to put Policy Measures on her Website, but hasn't explained how she will attain Policy Goals.

Mainstream Media has provided cover for Kamala Harris, like they covered for Joe Biden. DNC Friendly Outlets share the same tactic; a knee jerk response of gaslighting Harris Critics & Undecided Voters that contest her History or Agenda. It's painfully clear that Kamala Harris is struggling on Policy Issues. Her response to specific questions has been so redundant that critics believe she's reading from a script. After 3Yrs 8Mos of serving as Vice President, more is expected out of her. Shills like DL Hughley have said that [the Office of] Vice President is not a position of relevance, but Harris casted the Deciding Vote 33 times during her Tenure. In contrast, Mike Pence did this only 3 times. Clearly, Kamala has been an integral part of the Biden- Harris Administration & should be able to ride w/o Training Wheels. The fact that so many 'Aides' have to set her up has Harris Critics & Undecided Voters questioning her ability to Serve effectively.

We know that Obama Operatives like David Plouffe & Eric Holder have been inserted into the Harris- Walz Campaign, so catch words like 'Energized', 'Freedom' & 'Joy' aren't surprising. Mainstream Media has been literally paving a Yellow Brick Road for Kamala Harris to work her Magic, but she lacks the special sauce of a Barack Obama or Bill Clinton. The Truth is, Clinton & Obama did MORE DAMAGE to Black America than either Bush [41 & 43] or Trump. Kamala Harris is in the unfortunate position of following in their wake. She can't run the same Game on Black America that they ran. Blackfolk have Buyer's Remorse & won't tolerate a 3rd Serving of 'DNC Double Talk'. Hillary Rodham Clinton had the same dilemma w/ Black Voters in 2016. Like Hillary, Kamala lacks a Silver Tongue, but has an expectation of privilege that is supposed to carry her into The White House. Mainstream Media has foregone any appearance of objectivity in their effort to make Kamala Harris a Political Rock Star. Unfortunately, this effort has put a spotlight on her consistent inconsistency.

In their attempt to present Kamala Harris as a brilliant Presidential Candidate, Journalists & Shills are revealing that she is not ready for Prime Time. Is this by design? I recall a rumor that started not long after Kamala's 'Selection' that she was being Set Up for a Great Fall. According to the rumor, Barack Obama & Nancy Pelosi weren't pleased w/ Joe Biden seeking a 2nd Term in Office. Americans aren't satisfied w/ the performance of the Biden- Harris Administration, so Gavin Newsome, Gretchen Whitmer, & Josh Shapiro were among those being considered as potential Candidates; Kamala wasn't in the conversation. The Biden- Harris Campaign War Chest necessitated keeping Kamala on the Ballot, but there was a rumored concern about Joe Biden's 'Legacy'. Apparently, the Obama- Pelosi Camp don't want him to have one. Barack & Michelle withheld their support for Kamala, to leverage placement of 'their people' into Harris' Campaign. This increases their influence while diminishing Joe Biden's influence on a 'Harris Administration'.

Billionaire Donors have thrown Hundreds of Millions of Dollars into the Harris-Walz Campaign, but it only appears to be treading water. As We approach the Home Stretch to Election Day, NEITHER Candidate on the DNC Ticket holds a strong position on Important Issues. BOTH have to rely on Media Support & Emotional Buzz Words to keep potential Voters 'in line'. The General Public is more focused on Kitchen Table Issues like The Economy, than supporting 'Forever Wars' in Ukraine & Gaza. This is hurting Kamala Harris w/ Young Adults & Muslim Voters. Taking a step back to review how We got here, I have to ask: Are Democratic Elites & their Donors manufacturing a losing scenario intentionally? Are Content Creators being On Point when they theorize that the DNC wants to weaponize Kamala Harris- in an effort to destroy Joe Biden's 'Legacy,' while they begin the process of selecting a 2028 Presidential Candidate?

All I know, is Kamala Harris had the lowest approval rating of ANY Vice President; then Joe Biden 'bowed out' of the Election & she suddenly became a Political Rock Star. It's pretty clear that Kamala is not living up to all of the Hype, but is it her fault? -Afterall, she is who she is.

[leprosycock]

Could I ask what the story is between your characters? I see little snippets of it with the qnas on your twitter, but will there ever be some sort of comic aspect to it? or writing? They are so interesting to me I must ask.

thank you, i’m so happy that you find them so intriguing!! <333

their ask blog that i crosspost from is here at @ttwkyasks and information about the individual characters are here. they’ve spawned and grown and twisted quite a lot over time, but they originally came from a really dramatic and batshit insane streamer yaoi fic that i began to transform into a piece of original work. the final product will be a multimedia graphic novel that i’m working on behind the scenes, but in the meantime i’m running the ask blog to help develop them as well as i possibly can and iron out kinks in the story.

essentially the plot is about how the hayes family, for all intents and purposes, suffers from a generational curse in which their systems are damaged from a cancerous perversity and they will suffer from a taboo attraction to their own body and blood. each patriarch will poison the next unless the bloodline is completely cut off and no more haysees are born. jay hayes suffered at the hands of his father, who he loathes for poisoning him and relishing in the pleasure he got from the atrocious acts he committed. at age twenty-one, he graduated from community college with a teaching certificate and very quickly married a french immigrant, abigail, who he met at one of his classes in a drunken flurry. unbeknownst to jay, abigail had a murky past that she didn’t offer much information on and none of it really mattered to jay. he was determined to prove that he wouldn’t make the same mistakes that his father did by never producing a son, but instead living happily and domestically in a nice little house in the middle of phoenix, arizona, the complete opposite of where he’d grown up. unfortunately for him, abigail began to rapidly fall out of love with jay as he became more and more dependent on alcohol and much less intimate with her. their marriage was thrown into a brutal upset when abigail realized she was pregnant after a condom broke and jay went into a mad, anxious spiral, loathing his unborn son and loathing abigail more for refusing to get an abortion. after annie was born, abigail (who was only nineteen at the time) suffered heavily from postpartum depression and couldn’t connect with her newborn son, so she fled back to boston to live with her family and the son she actually cared about, who she had had at the age of sixteen and had been under the care of her grandparents. jay was now a single father and forced to care for what he thought was a living ticking time bomb.

at the age of eleven, annie approached jay and admitted that he’d experienced something he couldn’t recognize when a girl had stepped on him during recess. jay realized he couldn’t avoid not his nor annie’s fate for any longer and he explained the generational curse to annie, who failed to understand it and its stakes, but he did have an awareness that everything was going to change. ever since then, jay and annie have operated in very twisted, demented ways that are not remotely within the normal confines of a father and son, but instead borderline enemies, hated friends, estranged divorcees, etc etc. annie is currently dating a girl in his grade named claire and jay is dating a college boy named eva. if there’s anything else you’d like to know about them, you can always ask the boys questions at the blog :3c

[tanimuradefender]

I'm coming out of my Yakuza burnout to say that yeah, based on Majima's popularity a Majima game was bound to happen at some point. He has been on the top of the popularity polls multiple times and the reason why he was such a major player in Yakuza 0. But I'm somewhat hesitant about the fans who haven't played through Yakuza 5 and don't know what information is revealed about Majima. But I guess it's my time to actually talk about my thoughts regarding Majima and how he's involved with the plots in game and Park aspect.

Spoilers below for Yakuza 0 and Yakuza 5 mostly but references from Yakuza 1-4, vague and not in detail.

these content warnings are ALSO spoilers so CW: abortion, underage marriage, domestic abuse and character death

Yakuza 0 was of course my first introduction to Majima and the series as a whole. I don't really need to explain how fantastic his story in that game is, and how he stole the spotlight from Kiryu in numerous ways. However, something that bugs me is that there is absolutely no reference to Park or being in a previous relationship when it would've been fairly recent. Majima only remarks on how he would enjoy someone calling him "daddy" during a substory (in a non sexual context, it was from a child). it always felt somewhat odd to me that there wasn't a single reference to it. In hindsight we can assume he didn't pursue Makimura because of how poorly his previous relationship was but that somewhat ignores what actually happens to them in the game. it would be a grave simplifying of Majima's character arc.

From Yakuza 1 to Yakuza 2 (ignoring the Majima saga and Majima everywhere), Majima is lightly used throughout the story of these games and is mostly used to play off Kiryu which does make the scenes he's involved in enjoyable, but I don't understand how small his involvement is got him so unbelievably popular. His appearance is even more hollow in Yakuza 3.

I also personally don't believe that the transition into his Mad Dog person made all that much sense in Yakuza 0 but that's something else I could go on a tangent about. regardless we got plenty of references to Saejima throughout Yakuza 0 and it shows how important his brother was, what about the woman he was previously married to?

edit: someone let me know I got the timeline wrong, so it would actually make sense there's no reference to Park here. adding it here so the main post is intact but this criticism is inaccurate. that is my fault.

In Yakuza 4 we actually see the writing that makes me enjoy Majima. In Kiryu's absence he drops his Mad Dog persona and acts aimless and doesn't seem to really seem to enjoy what he's doing. his dynamic with Saejima is also revealed in this game and it's probably my favorite part of Majima - it just has to involve a character I prefer significantly more. something something rubber bullets. but overall his appearance is to help Saejima's scenes and his character arc.

So, finally Yakuza 5. the main plot drive here is Majima's believed death. but there's also something I've left out about Park and Majima's relationship. revealed by Park in Haruka's part, she explains how she was an idol married to a man who beat her after she had an abortion. so, about this:

Majima, at his youngest, would've been around in his 20s when he married Park, who would've been under the age of 18.

Majima beat an underage woman who he impregnated after she received an abortion to keep being an idol.

if your instant response to this is "Park could've been lying" or somehow blaming Park, she didn't have a reason to lie to Haruka. there is no single benefit to lying to Haruka, the whole scene where she tells her is framed as an quiet moment between a mother figure and her daughter. also she was in a relationship with an adult man that should be able to control his anger enough not to physically assault his wife.

ultimately, both Park and Majima did not do the best thing they could have in this situation. however, it reveals two character traits for Park and Majima: that Park is willing to sacrifice anything for her own career or the career of others, and that Majima has the potential to be physically abusive.

btw Park dies after she reveals this information.

Yakuza 0 was released after Yakuza 5. So even with this detail revealed amongst the public, Majima still maintained being a popular character.

I'm not here to say that we should completely ignore this information involving Majima or that it should suddenly make you hate a character you love. canonically this event happened multiple decades ago, but something that makes me nervous is that idea that this information will be erased or retconned or changed if we get a Kiwami 5. RGG knows of Majima's popularity, why else is he getting his own stand alone video game? this information was already omitted from Yakuza 0 and is only within Yakuza 5, it would be as simple as removing that line from Park or even changing Majima into a whole other character.

I'm not "Anti-Majima" or a Majima hater or hate Majima fans, I just want people to be aware of this and the possibility of it being retconned or edited.

At the end of the day, I do care about this series but this is just really connected to a greater issue I have with the series in that it's the really strange and creepy age gaps between characters. This is just one of many.

regardless, play Yakuza 4.

[brunette-barbie4562]

Uncharted (Duff McKagan X OC)

Summary: Unsure of her next steps in life, Carreen Joy "CJ" Thompson finds herself taking a job working under the Guns N' Roses bassist Duff McKagan during the Not in the Lifetime... Tour. She faces the fast-paced and foreign world of rock n' roll, touring, and groupies, as well as blossoming taboo feelings for her boss.

-

Trigger warnings: Sexual themes, mentions of abortion & drug use.

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Note: Sorry for the late update on this one. The end of the semester happened quicker than I thought it would 😅 I’m going to really try to commit to updates every other week, unless there are special circumstances with school stuff, but I will let everyone know if that is the case. I am a bit of a perfectionist with editing and I like to do at least ten pages of content before I post, so sometimes that slows me down too. Thanks for the patience 💕

10

March 2018

The Farm / Redding, CA

CJ couldn’t help but check her phone every 2 seconds after sending the text to Jess. She didn’t know how Jess would respond, or if she would respond at all. Work picked back up which was a nice distractor, but CJ was drawn back to her phone.

“Hey, you mind grabbing lunch?” Mindy poked her head in the doorway. CJ looked up from her phone.

“Ya, no problem,” said CJ, “Where from?”

“I’m placing an order at Maxwell’s, what do you want?”

“I’ll take a chicken pesto sandwich,” said CJ. Mindy nodded and disappeared from the doorway. CJ leaned back in her chair, listening to Mindy place the order over the phone in the other room. Her phone made a pinging noise from her desk, and she quickly sat up, grabbing it. She had a new message. Holding her breath, she opened the notification to see Jess’ response.

Long time no talk.

CJ quickly texted back as she heard Mindy finish her call.

Can I call you in 10?

Yes.

CJ felt her nerves creep into her stomach. She walked into Mindy’s office and grabbed her wallet and the car keys off the front table.

“Should be ready, or almost ready when you get over there,” said Mindy. CJ nodded, eager to get to the car. She said a few quick hellos to some coworkers on her way out. When she got in Mindy’s car, she immediately put her phone on Bluetooth, placing the call to Jess. The phone rang several times, feeling like an eternity. By the time Jess picked up, CJ had pulled out of the parking lot. The other end was silent.

“Hey,” said CJ.

“Hey,” said Jess. There was an awkward moment of silence.

“I’m sorry,” said CJ, “I know you’ve been trying to reach out, I just- A lot has happened. I know it’s not an excuse, and I’m sorry I didn’t at least tell you I was alive.”

“I was really worried,” said Jess, sounding slightly exasperated. “I don’t have your aunt’s number, so I couldn’t call to ask what was wrong.”

“I know,” said CJ, “I’m sorry. I understand if you don’t want to hear me explain things, but I’d really like a chance too.”

“Ya,” said Jess, “Please do, I was so worried for so long.” CJ didn’t know where to start. Jess had known about she and Duff’s relationship, how deeply she had felt about him, and how they were trying to plan how to continue their relationship once the tour ended. Jess was one of the few people who had been aware of it. She was also the only person who had warned her about going all in with the relationship. Jess had always been blunt with her. She didn’t pull any punches. She could hear Jess’ words in her head from when she had first told her about Duff; Just be careful. 80’s rockstars don’t have the best track records with relationships. She had waved away Jess’ concerns at the time, but she had been right. She figured she’d get straight to the point. Jess deserved that after worrying for so long.

“I’m pregnant,” she said. There was shocked silence from the other side. “About 15 weeks pregnant.”

“Holy shit,” said Jess.

“Ya,” said CJ, sounding more nonchalant than she felt, “Crazy right? I didn’t know until a couple of weeks ago myself.”

“Wait, what have you been doing? Where are you? In California or Seattle?”

“I’m in Redding,” said CJ. She paused for a moment. “Things did not work out the way I thought they would.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask,” said Jess, “Whose baby is it?”

“I know you already know,” said CJ, not wanting to say his name out loud. Her emotions were mounting, and she was afraid if she said his name she’d dissolve into tears.

“So, are you keeping it?” asked Jess.

“Yes,” said CJ, “I thought about it. I even went to an appointment to have it aborted. I can’t do it. I want to keep it, even if it means struggling for a bit. I can’t describe it, but I’m already in love.”

“Hold up,” said Jess, “You’re going to have this baby, and you’re not demanding child support? That man is rich as fuck, take him for everything he has. You could be in a mansion tomorrow. That child support would be fucking loaded. You are in a great position here, even if it may not feel that way.”

“I don’t want him to know,” said CJ.

“Why?” asked Jess. “Fuck him, take him for everything. He has more money than he knows what to do with.”

“It’s complicated, there’s a lot to explain,” said CJ, as she pulled into the parking lot of Maxwell’s. “Can I call you back in a minute? I have to run into this restaurant and grab lunch. Mindy is waiting back at the office.”

“Honestly, I think this conversation would be better in person,” said Jess. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“Nothing,” said CJ.

“Great,” said Jess. “I’m coming down there tonight.” CJ felt her heart leap in surprise and excitement at the thought of her friend visiting.

“Are you sure? I can come there. I know it’s a six-hour drive,” said CJ.

“No, you stay put,” said Jess, “It’s not a big deal. I have Monday off so I can leave Monday morning. I get off early today, in about an hour. So, I’ll go home and pack and get on the road.”

“That would be amazing!” said CJ. “Just be quiet about it around my aunt, she doesn’t know…. yet.”

“Don’t worry,” said Jess, “I’ll keep quiet.”

When they ended their call, CJ sat for a moment, reflecting and feeling grateful to have such a loyal friend.

When she got back to the office, she found Mindy bent over her desk, reviewing some paperwork. She placed her to-go bag down in front of her.

“Thanks,” said Mindy, not looking up.

“Jess is coming to visit this weekend; she’ll be here tonight.” Mindy looked up in surprise.

“Oh?”

“Ya, I haven’t seen her in awhile, we’ve been texting back and forth a bit.”

“Good, you need to go out and have some fun,” said Mindy.

-

By the time Jess arrived it was 8:30 at night. CJ had dimmed the lights and sat down at the kitchen table after dinner, taking a moment to herself. She could hear the low drone of the television from the living room where Michelle and Mindy sat watching. It was a cold night, and the heat was blasting through the floor vents near where she sat. She shuffled her feet over the grate, enjoying the heat, having always been chronically cold in the winter. The glare of car headlights flashed through the window and washed down the wall, illuminating the room. She stood up, her heart pounding as she saw Jess’ Subaru Outback pull in.

CJ pulled open the front door, ignoring the cold on her skin and bare feet as she hurried out. Jess got up out of the driver’s seat and CJ met her with a tight hug. Tears welled up in her eyes and her voice cracked as she spoke.

“I’m so happy you’re here.”

“Me too,” said Jess, muffled by CJ’s sweatshirt. They pulled away from each other and Jess looked down at CJ’s cast arm. “What happened with that?”

“It’s part of the whole story,” said CJ, walking over to the trunk of Jess’ car. “Let me get your stuff.” Jess shooed her away and opened the trunk herself.

“No, no lifting for you.” She pulled her duffle bag out and slammed the trunk shut.

When the two girls got inside, CJ got a better look at Jess. She looked the same; a stocky but athletic build, about 5’4”, black and wavy mid-length hair that was up in a messy bun, and bright blue eyes. The only difference was her once green striped hair was now streaked with purple. She was dressed in her usual comfy outfit, a pair of sweatpants, slippers, and a hoodie.

Mindy and Michelle appeared from the living room.

“Hey Jess,” said Mindy, “Good to see you!”

“It’s good to see you guys too,” said Jess, “It’s been a minute.”

“It has,” said Mindy, “How was the drive?”

“Not bad,” said Jess.

“Did you get anything to eat?” asked Michelle, moving towards the fridge.

“Ya, I got a burger on the drive,” said Jess.

“Well, if you need anything feel free to help yourself,” said Michelle. CJ could see Mindy gearing up to ask Jess a million questions. And CJ was eager to catch up with Jess too, but right now she wanted to get her alone. As Mindy started to talk, CJ interjected.

“I was thinking, how about tomorrow night we all go out somewhere to eat and catch up?”

“Oh,” said Mindy, “Ya, that sounds great! You guys think of a place, and we’ll do it.”

“I thought we’d head to bed early and do something in the morning,” said CJ, looking over at Jess, who looked back at her cluelessly. She quickly picked up CJ’s nonverbal hint.

“Oh ya, that sounds great,” said Jess. After saying their goodnights, CJ took Jess’ hand and gently pulled her into the hallway, down towards the bedroom. She quickly shut her bedroom door as Jess put her bag down. She pulled her sweatshirt off, her T-shirt briefly riding up to expose her stomach. She turned to face Jess whose gaze was focused on her midsection.

“You don’t even look pregnant, not even a little bit,” said Jess.

“Ya and I need it to stay that way,” said CJ, “At least until I can get some things figured out.” Jess sat down on CJ’s bed and patted the spot on the bed next to her. CJ sank down onto the bed and pulled her knees to her chest, taking a deep breath.

“So, what the fuck happened,” said Jess.

“I’m not completely sure myself,” said CJ. “He just left. The night after the last show, before we were supposed to go out and talk about me moving in. He just cut things off, didn’t say why, didn’t want to talk about it. It was like night and day.” Jess was looking down at her feet, not saying anything.

“You can say it,” said CJ, “You can say I told you so.”

“No,” said Jess softly, “You’re going through enough.”

“I should’ve listened to you.”

“Well hindsight,” said Jess, “And it’s hard to take a step back and view things objectively when you have strong feelings.”

“That’s why it was so hard the past few months,” said CJ, her voice cracking as she tried to hold it together. “I was so depressed about it I couldn’t get myself to do anything. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.” A few tears escaped her eyes, and it quickly turned into an uncontrollable waterfall of sobs. Jess gently snaked an arm around CJ’s shoulders and pulled her close into a hug. CJ tried to be quiet, not wanting Mindy or Michelle to hear her. After a few minutes, she managed to gain control and took a deep breath, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

“I tried to go out and do things,” CJ continued. “I went snowboarding but broke my wrist. That’s actually how I found out about being pregnant, when I was in the emergency room. Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to figure it out if I hadn’t.”

“Did you not get your period?”

“I wasn’t really thinking about it,” said CJ, “It’s gone away from stress before, so I thought that was it.”

“And you’re definitely keeping it?” asked Jess.

“Yes,” said CJ. “I know it sounds weird, especially since there’s not really anything to see, on the outside at least, but I’m already in love.” She placed a hand on her still flat stomach. “Maybe it’s the hormones talking.”

“Just don’t let the hormones talk you out of getting child support,” said Jess.

“I don’t want his money,” said CJ, “He wouldn’t want this baby anyway.”

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t owed support, CJ. He made the decision to lay down just the same as you, so fuck him. Your kid deserves the same support as his other kids,” said Jess.

“You know what he told me.” said CJ with a laugh of disgust. “He told me he got a vasectomy right after his last daughter was born. That’s why I wasn’t worried about it. I thought I was being careful, but now I think he lied.” CJ paused thoughtfully for a moment longer. “I don’t know, maybe I didn’t fit in with his lifestyle. He didn’t seem like the type to care about that kind of thing. But he was always surrounded by such glamorous places and people, glamorous women. And who am I compared to all that?”

“Well either way, he should be giving you a monthly payment,” said Jess, “Doesn’t matter who you are or where you are from.”

“I don’t need him,” said CJ, “I can do this on my own.”

“When are you going to tell your aunt?” asked Jess.

“I need to find a place to live first,” said CJ, “I want to have my own place and support myself.”

“You don’t think she’ll let you stay?” asked Jess.

“I know she would,” said CJ, “and I know she’ll love any children that I have, but it’s not fair of me to bring an infant here. She did her part when she raised me. She didn’t have to do that either, but she did.”

-

June 1989

Los Angeles General Medical Center / Los Angeles, CA

Mindy did not think she’d ever see the inside of the maternity wing at a hospital, never mind be present for a birth. But there she was, standing at her sister’s head, letting her grip her hand tightly as she pushed her niece into the world.

The last nine months had been a whirlwind. Heather had gone into rehab quietly and stayed put, which had surprised Mindy. Things went smoothly for the first few months and Heather told Mindy she was working on getting the adoption process rolling.

Then, one day, Mindy received a call from a pissed off Heather. She remembered the first words Heather had said to her before she could even say hello. Can you believe they don’t give you money for putting your kid up for adoption? Mindy could only laugh at her sister’s selfishness and told her that of course they don’t pay you, that would be trafficking. Her initial suspicions were correct about her sister’s motivations being monetary.

Heather had gone on to rant some more about the fact it was too late for her to terminate, and then declared that she’d be keeping the baby. Mindy went from being amused to horrified. She then spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince Heather to go through with the adoption process, but to no avail. She remembered asking Heather, why keep it if you don’t want it? Her response had been, Tax breaks, benefits. Mindy had pleaded, telling her that was no reason to have a baby. She didn’t even have a job to get tax breaks on. But Heather wouldn’t listen.

On a positive note, Heather had gotten clean, stuck to plan, and the pregnancy had progressed typically with no health issues. CPS had been alerted but since she was actively in rehab and had tested clean for the past several months, there were no plans in place to remove the baby. With that, Mindy had been scrambling to get her own shit together. The idea of living with her sister long term was highly irritating. But she couldn’t put her out with a new baby, and she honestly didn’t trust Heather to care for the baby properly alone, especially if her only attachment to it was based on money. She didn’t know if Heather could stay clean. It felt unrealistic to hope for, but if Mindy let her stay and pushed her to get a job and a place of her own, maybe this would be what completely and permanently turned Heather around. She wasn’t hopeful and in the back of her mind she was contemplating back-up plans. She had never planned on being a mother or having a baby. But if she had to, she’d take Heather’s child in. She couldn’t see her niece or nephew go to foster care, no matter how inconvenient or derailing it was for her life.

Mindy had set up a crib and bought all the basic things she would need, preparing for the birth and for Heather to leave rehab and bring the baby home to the apartment. It had cost her a chunk of her savings and she had to remind herself it was for the baby, not for Heather.

Laying in the bed, Heather gripped Mindy’s hand painfully tight and let out a loud yell as she gave one last push. A moment later a sharp cry pierced the air. Time seemed to move slowly as the nurse held the baby and Mindy got a clear look at it.

“It’s a girl,” said the nurse. The baby was chunky and healthy looking, with a thick head of dark brown hair, and a good set of lungs on her as she loudly cried. They moved to clean her off and examine her. Mindy looked at Heather who was sitting there, still trying to catch her breath and looking exhausted.

“You did so good!” said Mindy with excitement. Heather didn’t respond or react to Mindy and just put her head back against the pillow. A moment later, the nurse carried the baby over to them and gently placed her on Heather’s chest. “She’s so beautiful Heather, look at her!”

Heather looked down at the baby, her face expressionless. Instead of holding her closer, she picked her up and held her out to Mindy wordlessly.

“You’re not going to hold her?” asked Mindy confused.

“No,” said Heather. After handing the baby over, she turned away from them. Mindy felt a deep sadness as the baby began to cry louder. A nurse, having seen the entire interaction came over and quietly offered Mindy a bottle of formula.

“If you want to sit here,” she said, gesturing to a cushioned armchair, “and do skin to skin.” Mindy handed the baby back to the nurse while she removed her shirt. The nurse laid the baby on Mindy’s chest and then covered them with a light blanket. Finally, the baby had stopped crying, her dark eyes cracked open and looking up at Mindy. She lightly ran a hand over the baby’s thick head of hair.

“Hey sweet girl,” she said softly to the baby, “Everything is going to be ok. I promise.” Mindy looked back over at Heather, who was still turned away.

-

May 2017

Somewhere over Spain

The feeling of being unsettled had permeated Duff’s day. The morning had gone as usual, other than the groupie leaving his room at 5:30 A.M., prior to there being a risk of anyone else being awake to see her go. He had seen the same woman in the lobby of the hotel just before leaving to drive to the airport. With sexual release came the buildup of his internal emotional tension. The post-hook up crash had him in his head. Being the intuitive and empathetic person that she had revealed herself to be, CJ had picked up on it immediately and asked him if he was ok or needed anything. He had told her he was fine, just tired.

She sat next to him on the plane, focused on updating his social media accounts with pictures and videos from the show the night before. She had been quieter than he was used to her being and he thought maybe he should be the one asking her if everything was ok.

The flight attendant came around with snacks and he wordlessly slid her over a bag of chips. She glanced at it and said a quick thanks before continuing with what she was doing on the computer.

“Hey, you good kiddo?”

“Hm?” she said, looking up.

“You’re just kind of quiet,” he said.

“Oh ya, sorry,” she said absent-mindedly, turning back to her work.

“Hey,” he said, slightly amused at her reaction. “You don’t need to apologize; I was wondering if anything is wrong.” She met his gaze, looking like she had something to say.

“I just don’t like what happened last night,” she said. Duff felt a rush of panic. How did she know. “I shouldn’t have said what I said.” His panic immediately subsided when he realized she was talking about their conversation in the SUV, on the way back from the show.

“Oh,” he said, his relief making him slightly dismissive, “I forgot about that.” His statement made her frown deepen.

“Well, I haven’t,” she said, “I feel awful.”

“Relax,” he said, opening his bag of chips. “Like I said, you couldn’t have known. I’m not worried about it. You’re over worrying.” She didn’t say anything more to him but continued to look concerned as he stuffed a few chips in his mouth.

“Maybe you’re under-worrying,” she said, giving him sass. He laughed at her attitude and decided to change the subject.

“Sick of airplanes yet?” he asked. “Cause if you aren’t yet, you will be soon.”

“No, not yet,” said CJ.

“When we get to the North America leg in July, we use tour buses a lot more to get around, unless we’re going from one side of the country to the other. You might like that more. Sometimes we leave right after a show and drive overnight to the next city.”

“I’d be with you for that? Or on a different bus?” she asked.

“Ya, of course,” he said. As the words left his mouth, he realized he hadn’t put much thought into the subject. His previous assistant had traveled with him on the same bus. But it had been different, since his previous assistant had been a man. He had never dealt with having to travel with a female assistant. There were three beds on his bus, one in the master bedroom, which he slept in, one pullout couch, and one over cab loft bed. Despite it being a large luxury RV, he didn’t know if it would be appropriate to share such a close space with her. He didn’t know if he could share such a close space with her. The thought of it made his head spin. He couldn’t think about it now, he had over a month to think about it. He could make decisions later.  

-

Upon landing in Lisbon, CJ received a barrage of texts, her phone pinging several times rapidly. They were all texts from Jess.

Where are you!?!?

What band is that!?

How are you on stage!?

Smiling to herself, she typed back.

This is my summer job, and maybe for longer than that.

A moment later her phone began to ring. They were still taxiing on the tarmac and CJ rejected the call and texted.

Hold on, about to head to the hotel, I’ll call in 30.

Jess quickly responded.

Ugggghhh you’re such a tease.

-

Duff and Mark made plans to meet for lunch after they had settled everything in their hotel rooms. It would be good to catch up a bit during a time when they weren’t backstage and preparing for a show. They planned to walk over together, but Mark got caught up with some business-related matters, and told Duff to go on ahead and get a table. Duff sat on the second-floor balcony of a little café they had chosen on the water. It was a quiet afternoon with only a few other patrons. The weather was breezy and warm, solidifying the relaxed and laidback atmosphere of the place.

When Mark arrived 15 minutes later, he had a look of discomfort on his face. He oddly sat down without saying anything.

“What?” said Duff.

“Have you been online lately?” asked Mark.

“No? not really,” said Duff. “Not since this morning.” Mark pulled out his phone and unlocked it and slid it across the table face up. Duff looked at it and was briefly confused at what he was seeing. It was a Twitter post, posted only an hour ago by what looked like a GNR fan account. It was a picture of him and CJ. It appeared to be from last night’s show, right before GNR had taken the stage. It was taken from somewhere down in the pit. It was a blurry shot of the moment he had bent down from behind the stage riser to hear CJ’s comment about Mark’s performance. CJ was slightly leaning over the back of her chair, her head tilted back. It made her cleavage in the red top she had been wearing look nearly pornographic. His face was turned inward to her ear so he could speak closely enough for her to hear him over the music. But the way that the picture was angled made it look as if he had his face buried in her neck and she was enjoying it and leaning back into it. The caption was short and read: ‘Duff’s new gf?’

-

By the time CJ got to her hotel room and was able to take her phone back out Jess had figured it out. A text from 20 minutes ago read,

It’s Guns N’ Roses, isn’t it.

The phone only rang once before Jess picked up.

“What the hell Thompson,” said Jess, “How are you backstage at a Guns N’ Roses concert and I’m not there!?”

“I can get you tickets,” said CJ, “Pick a date, any date, anywhere.”

“Did your aunt reconnect with Axl Rose?” Jess knew Mindy had been old friends with Axl. It had been brought up a few times during their time in college.

“Apparently they never disconnected,” said CJ, “He offered me a job as a personal assistant on their current tour.”

“You’re Axl Rose’s personal assistant!?” exclaimed Jess loudly.

“No,” said CJ, “I’m Duff McKagan’s personal assistant.”

“The bass player?” asked Jess.

“Ya, that’s the one,” said CJ, walking over the hotel window and looking out over the city.

“You have got to get me tickets!!” said Jess, “Where are you now?”

“Europe until mid-July,” said CJ, “Then we start in the U.S.”

“I’m pulling up the dates now,” said Jess. CJ glanced at the clock on the wall to see that it was 11:00 A.M. She counted the hours in her head.

“Wait a minute, what time is it there? Isn’t it like 3 in the morning?” asked CJ.

“It is,” said Jess, “I was headed to bed, but now I’m too excited to sleep.”

“Well go to bed,” said CJ, with a laugh. “I can get you tickets any time, pick a date and just let me know. I can probably get you backstage with me too.” There was a knock on her door, which distracted her away from Jess’ excitement.

“Hey, I gotta go,” said CJ, “I’ll text you; someone is at my door.”

“You’re killing me,” said Jess, “TEXT ME!”

“I will!” said CJ.

She ended the call and quickly made her way to the door, expecting it to be Duff. Instead, Tate was standing there.

“Hey,” he said, “You busy?” She was caught off guard by his presence.

“Oh, no, not at the moment.”

“There’s a gelato stand just outside the hotel. I was headed down to get some and then grab lunch with some of the others if you’re interested?” CJ had nothing else planned for the afternoon. Maybe the gym in the evening, right before dinner. But it wouldn’t hurt to get some fresh air for a bit. It also wouldn’t hurt to be social and maybe try to make some friends with the people she’d be alongside for the next several months and possibly more.

“Sure,” she said, stepping out and shutting the door behind her.

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Siege II, Pt. 3

Colonel Everett has taken over the conference room for his base of operations and is using Ford for information, filling him in on their plans. Sheppard walks into the room with Weir in tow (in fact, he skips a step as he's coming up the stairs so she has to pick up her pace to keep up with him), and we should make a note of the fact that again it has taken the two of them to shut down the self destruct mechanism. Sheppard had been given another task to perform but had been roped in by Weir because his password was required to get it shut down. Sheppard seems to be avoiding the Colonel's gaze when addressing him:

Sheppard: Self destruct has been aborted. Everett: Thank you! Did you contact the Alpha site? Weir: I asked Major Sheppard to wait until I had a chance to talk with you.

Sheppard finds himself wedged between a rock and a hard place, clearly uncomfortable and unable to give him an answer. Note also that where he parks himself, he's symbolically between the Colonel and Weir, yes, but his body is not actually turned toward Weir. McKay is standing outside and the doors are still open so he's within Sheppard's field of vision when he stands like this.

He had been trying to maintain their delicate balance of power by deferring to Weir's authority even though he should have resumed command of the expedition himself once they learned of the approach of the wraith. He hadn't because if he had learned anything from reading War and Peace, it was that since the enemy has a united front, any schism within their own ranks would just play into their hands. He has done everything he has been able to protect them from the wraith including letting Weir wield the ultimate authority. But now the situation had completely changed and here he is, a lone Air Force officer surrounded by a company of marines. He was in a precarious position in more ways than one.

Everett: Is that a fact? Sheppard: Yes, sir. Everett: Major? Dial the Alpha site.

He gives Sheppard a direct order. He is exactly in the same position into which he put Bates in Hot Zone (S01E13). Make no mistake, what he does here warrants a court martial. He is in violation of Article 90 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice which, during times of war, may even warrant a capital punishment. What Sheppard is doing here, siding with Weir, is not a small thing. We see him blink as he acknowledges the fact, indicating that this is making him very tense. Previously, we saw him blink just before killing the wraith that was their prisoner and when McKay called him Major.

Weir attempts to reason with the Colonel and to explain her position but he dismisses her.

While Weir is talking, Sheppard looks dead ahead at Ford, who is standing next to the Colonel. The way they are positioned, it makes it seem as though Ford is taking the side of the marines against them. Sheppard does not display any emotion on his face but this does not seem to sit well with him because he had taken the young Lieutenant under his wing.

While Weir is used to dealing with military types, the Colonel clearly had not come to play around:

Everett: I don't need to explain myself to you, Doctor, and I don't need your co-operation. Sheppard: But you could probably use mine... sir. So with all due respect, please answer Doctor Weir's question. Everett: Is that a threat, Major? Sheppard: No, sir. I understand you need to establish a clear chain of command, but if you cut Doctor Weir out of the loop, you'll only alienate the people whose trust and respect she's earned -- which is everyone on the base... including me.

This calls back to the ending of Hot Zone (S01E13) where Sheppard and Weir discussed the issue of trust between them. They never got to finish the discussion.

Sheppard told Weir then that he trusts her but he was not being truthful, and Weir could tell as much. He trusted Weir up to a point but not fully, not completely. Not with his life, not with the thing that most mattered to him, not with the thing that he had been forced to hide his whole adult life, not with the thing that the regulations of the military explicitly instructed him not to discuss with his superiors. And it is only between the end of the previous episode and this that something has changed.

Even then it does not seem to be easy for him to say it but he does appear to mean it this time. He trusts Weir, trusts that she wants to fight for every member of this expedition, trusts her to keep his secret and trusts her to side with him if ever there was a need for it. Between his grief over believing that McKay had died and this moment he had come to trust Elizabeth Weir, and those two things are not unrelated. This is why he also chooses to side with her here, now. Trust is a two-way street.

He also needs Weir to have some modicum of power, needs Weir to wield authority, so that he might use it to shield McKay if it ever came to that. Weir is much easier to influence than this marine Colonel. He does however sprinkle a little bit of his boyish charm to how he addresses the man, testing its effects on him.

Colonel Everett thinks it over and relents because the enemy they are facing here will not be defeated by him beginning his command by throwing the second highest officer in the brig for insubordination. But for him, this is far from over.

Note that he says "Is that a fact?" to Sheppard, seeming to use this phrase frequently, and that Sheppard does not respond to it. He has no flippant remark, no barb, no rejoinder, no reaction whatsoever. It is possible and even likely that he would want to respond but the situation being what it is, he doesn't dare. He knows that he has already crossed a line with this man and this is as far as he dares cross it. This is relevant for later, when we see McKay react to the same. Sheppard seems to let out a breath he had been holding in as the Colonel tells her to take a seat.

The meeting proceeds with the newcomers filling them in on what they had planned for the defense of the city. Weir, Sheppard and Ford are sitting in a row, looking up at the pacing Colonel and when we look at their hands, it's probably Ford that is mirroring his superior rather than the other way around. Sheppard is however slightly turned away from Weir toward Ford (or the door, or where his body thinks McKay, his true north, is, or the strapping young marines sitting at the end of the table that seem to be to his left).

It seems as though the new arrivals have brought several naqadah-enhanced nuclear warheads with them, and had plans on how to use them.

Sheppard wasn't so sure that putting all of their eggs in one basket was a good idea:

Radner: We use Jumpers in stealth mode to place them in a pattern between the armada and Atlantis. Major, we were hoping you could help us with that. Sheppard: Yes, but I recommend keeping a couple in reserve. Everett: Negative. We're only going to get one shot at this. Sheppard: We have to consider the possibility... Everett: Four of my men are pilots. Beckett is giving them the gene inoculation right now. Assuming it takes, you will familiarize them with the Jumpers, and they will become our fighter screen. Sheppard: Along with me. Everett: I have another job for you.

While he had only assumed that he would be doing what a fighter pilot should be doing, what Everett says here reminds him of what had happened two days ago when he had intended to go with McKay and Weir had assigned him to another task. It makes him cautious, he does not know whether he will be able to execute the orders of the new Colonel. Like with Weir, he's not actually acknowledging that he has been ordered to do anything, using implication and nodding in agreement but not giving outright verbal confirmation of having received the order to familiarize the marine pilots with the jumpers. Everett continues:

Everett: I understand that this base is equipped with a chair weapons platform like the one we found in Antarctica. Weir: Yes, but we have no way of powering it. Everett: We do now. We brought a Mark Two naquadah generator. Radner: We found a way to increase the power output by six hundred percent. It won't last nearly as long but it should be able to power the chair for as long as we need it to. Sheppard: It's beginning to sound like a plan! Everett: I'm glad you approve!

Sheppard's spirits are suddenly lifted when he learns about this part of the plan, and he can get fully behind it. You can see something going through his mind when the marine mentions the power output of the new generator because he has undoubtedly heard McKay talking about it when they have been trying to initialize the chair.

Sheppard sits back on his chair and rests his left arm on the back of the chair on the side of Ford, turning even more toward the direction he was already angled to. McKay had been working on the chair so hard for the past weeks, and Sheppard had been there trying to get it to work with him. If they had brought with them something that would make McKay's life easier, would ease the burden he had to bear for all of them, well. He would love to do nothing but. He would have no problem whatsoever executing this order. Although he noted it he didn't even mind the Colonel's sarcasm, this was great.

Ending the meeting, the Colonel comes to stand directly in front of Sheppard and leans forward, impressing the full weight of his authority him, speaking in an exaggeratedly calm and soft voice:

Everett: Now that Doctor Weir has been informed of our plans, I would greatly appreciate it if you'd execute my order and contact the Alpha Site. Sheppard: Yes, sir. Everett: And Major? This is the last time I give you an order twice. Sheppard: Understood.

Sheppard leans forward himself, meeting the Colonel in the middle, looking him firmly directly in the eye but not in a challenging way. It's more like a performance of giving the Colonel his full attention. This is not the first time Sheppard has had to charm his way out of consequences for insubordination. But the Colonel is an old dog and seems to see through Sheppard's performance, giving him fair warning that what he had been trying to do isn't working, and he shouldn't push his luck with it.

Sheppard, already half-way out the door as the first one to leave the meeting as though he had places to be (possibly in a hurry to give McKay the good news about the generator), gets the message. He is skating on thin ice with this man.

Yes, he was going to contact the Alpha Site as ordered but that's not why he was in such a rush to get out of the meeting, why he had to get out before anyone else. It wasn't because he was so revved up to be executing the order that he just had to get it done as soon as possible. He had places to be and people to see. One person, in particular.

Meanwhile outside, McKay had been looking over the closing doors of the conference room, unhappy to be left out of the loop. Apparently he had been looking at the people inside, likely Sheppard in particular, up until the point he could no longer see them. As relieved as he is by the sudden arrival of new hope from Earth, he has not had a chance to spend one moment alone with Sheppard since before he left over two days ago. He needs Sheppard in more ways than one and projects it into griping about the needs of the military:

McKay is correct, of course, in stating that he is the foremost expert on the defense capabilities of the city and that they would eventually come begging for him to come up with some kind of a miracle again, he is fully anticipating this to happen. But that is not what chafes him the most. Being separated from Sheppard does. How can he help Sheppard if he's not allowed to participate in their meetings? How can he run defense for Sheppard if he doesn't know what's going on?

Continued in Pt. 4

[foxes-that-run]

Part 3: 70 Heart kisses 2016 on

This post is in three parts:

When Harry got the Heart tattoo

70 Heart Kisses (1D years), and

70 Heart Kisses continued. (Solo career)

The amazing @womanexile and @this-daydream-is-dangerous-13started this off with finding a good chunk of these. This is by no means a complete list, I think that would be impossible. It’s also important to note that only Harry knows what this tattoo is about, why he kisses it or if that is for one person and who that is.

2017

After no performances in 2016 the heart kiss returned with HS1 but less frequently. In early 2016 Harry and Taylor had been close but by 2017 Taylor was dating Joe and Harry was very emotional on stage. See 2017 timeline. Harry also started performing with a guitar which gave his arms something to do and I think less kisses as a result.

Late March 2017 - London- During his Behind the Album performance for HS1, he not only kissed the heart, he also kisses the guitar it’s thought she had given him as a gift! This was a major moment for Harry and one he was emotional in.  He is good at first but there’s a head in hands moment at 28:10. Then, emotional. Time stamps 32:09 during Sweet Creature  37:48 guitar kiss during ESNY 52:45 kisses OTHER arm during SOTT (when he was explaining the rest of the concert to that nervous fan in July, he described this song as “emotional but hopeful” so maybe that’s a hopeful thing, that arm has ‘Things I can’/the Eagle) 

13 May 2017 - London- secret gig at the Garage in Islington - pink pants black shirt 7:52 during Sweet Creature

19 May 2017 - Troubadour, LA, on the eve of their 5 year anniversary of May 20th, while performing Leather and Lace with Stevie Nicks (1:18), Harry started crying and kissed the heart. Harry was really excited throughout the show, they performed two ghosts as a duet after which he said he was losing his s*** (but in a cool way, with a point to presumably James). 

28 September 2017 - Radio City NY - Story of my life may have an aborted arm kiss (2:30) FTDT also (3:35). On Harry and Taylor’s 28 September anniversary. Taylor marked the day with a 70 song ‘Taylor loves’ Spotify playlist.

14 October 2017 - Phoenix - During Meet me in the Hallway (1:39). After “I walked the streets all day”  before “running with the thieves”. This was Harry's last US show and he returned to Europe. His next show was in Paris where he cried twice in FTDT on 'even my phone misses your call' twice. (1:55 and again 3:30)

2 November 2017 - Glasgow- Sweet Creature on “you bring me home” (maybe, this tour had tricky lighting) (2:19) Kiwi and Reputation were released soon after. 

2018

12 June 2018 - Nashville - Sweet Creature (2:45) Harry moves to kiss his arm but doesn’t after “you bring me home” he was in Taylor’s home city. 

30 June 2018 - Chicago - Sweet Creature, a possible other arm kiss (5:11). Taylor and Harry were both in Chicago, Taylor played New Years Day with an introduction about jumping into icy pools that Taylor Nation has cut from their version. 

2 July 2018 - St Paul - Only Angel - the other arm at 3:30 and the heart at 4:33. On the same night Harry changed the lyric of “running with wolves” to “running with you” (2:00) Taylor had played this stadium the night she had the temper trap song as arm lyrics which Harry tattooed on its anniversary. Taylor had been in nearby Chicago when Harry was there the day before and not seen this day. 

In July 2020 Taylor released Cardigan with a reference to a ‘Tattoo Kiss’:

2021

The later we go the less we really know about what is going on. The heart kisses may also have different meanings. 

The 2021 timeline is interesting, starting with talking at the Grammy’s then the Brits, Harry finished writing Harry’s House and Taylor started Midnights in this period. 

22 September 2021 - St Paul - Falling, with Two Ghosts intro (4:31). Wildest Dreams TV was released a few days earlier, Harry and Taylor had spent time in St Paul in the past. 

25 September 2021 - Chicago - Falling, at the end twice with a smile and again during Adore you. When Harry last played Chicago Taylor was also there. 

21 October 2021 - Uncasville, during thank you speech. Harry and Taylor had been in Nashville at the same time earlier that month when Harry had written Satellite.

25 October 2021 - Boston - Falling. An old selfie of Joe and Taylor from 2016 leaked a few days earlier.

27 October 2021 - Atlanta - the start of Falling (0:09) right arm kiss. On the anniversary of 1989’s release. On the same day Taylor posted an instagram reel captioned ‘Basic autumn lovers RISE’ reenacting a 2014 Tumblr post including trying lyrics to ATW ‘Just between us did he love affair maim you too?’

10 November 2021 - Sacramento - Falling - on ‘it kills me we have run out of things to say’ link. Harry wore Red to celebrate the Re-record of Red TV, which is the first of Taylor's albums with songs about Harry. 

13 November 2021 - Arizona, Falling with Two Ghosts intro (2:17), Red TV was released the day before.

19 November 2021 - LA, The Forum, in the welcome speech after thanking his support act. Taylor was in Panama to visit Joe, after Taylor returned for the All Too Well premier she wrote the majority of Midnights including You’re Losing Me. 

28 November 2021 - Long Island - Falling (4:08) Right arm kiss. After this show Harry was MIA and Olivia seen alone. The next week, Taylor wrote You’re Losing me and wore a Gucci Lion Ring to a party. 

2022

As above, we know less about Harry’s relationships now, however the 2022 timeline is also interesting. Taylor completed Midnights and based on it’s lyrics, her relationship with Joe was not great. Harry released Harry’s House and at the end of the year broke up with Olivia. 

20 May 2022 - NYC - ONO - start of Satellite (1:13) another link. On Harry’s House Release, an important life event, in New York, on the anniversary of 20 May at the start of performing Satellite for the first time. 

26 June 2022 - Hamburg during his welcome speech when introducing the support act. Harry was on his European tour dates, in the last months of dating OW. These were the first months of Harry touring the Harry’s House songs.

29 June 2022 - Stockholm - introducing Matilda (1:12 and again at 1:36) Harry said it was great to be back in Sweden (he once tweeted that same phrasing at a time Taylor was MIA in Europe and he posted a colour IG photo) and that he is happiest performing. 

1 July 2022 - Oslo when inducing Matilda, Harry told the story about the party bus, that Oslo has a special place in his heart then that Matilda has nothing to do with that story but is special. (1:50) and again when introducing WMYB (0:06) 

11 July 2022 - Munich during Adore You and LOML. (Better view of loml)

16 July 2022 Vienna - during Adore you, after the crowd saying let me adore you and him saying “okay” 

5 July 2022 - Paris - after saying “I love Paris” while introducing As It Was. Harry and Taylor have referenced Paris many times as special to them. 

31 July 2022 - Lisbon - start of Kiwi (12:49) 

1 August 2022 - Toronto - cinema - kissed the eagle covering ‘things I can’ after “it’s you, and I’m not getting over it” previous kisses have been after break ups indicating wanting to change something

10 September 2022- Madison Square Garden Night 12, LOML. Harry and Taylor were both in NY, Harry started a 5 week stint of wearing the Peace Ring. Neither Harry & Olivia or Taylor & Joe seemed friendly, with both break ups announced in coming months. 

27 October 2022 - LA - introducing WMYB (day music for a sushi restaurant dropped and 1989 anniversary). Taylor was on the Graham Norton show talking about the re-records and announcing the Eras tour. 

29 October 2022 - LA N5 in Sign of the Times 

31 October 2022 - Harryween LA Timestamp 1:50 during LOML before it's unfortunate.. 

2023

The later we go the less we really know about what is going on. The heart kisses may also have different meanings. 

The 2023 timeline is interesting, Harry had separated from Olivia, Taylors separation from Joe was announced. They were both on tour and both replaced setlist songs with older Haylor songs. 

29 January 2023 - Los Angeles, Forum Night 15 - Love of My Life - Anatomical Heart Kiss (0:42) Harry also played Medicine! Between filming Satellite and the Grammy’s

31 January 2023 - Palm Springs - during Matilda , after the lyric ‘make your tea and your toast’. (2:13) The week before Harry put Little Freak in the HSLOT set 

21 February 2023 Perth LOML, During woman re-added to the setlist. 

28 Feburary 2023 - Gold Coast, QLD - during Satellite after “do you want to talk?” (4:48)

13 June 2023 - Wembley - kissed other arm (0:06) during Grapejuice and kissed the Heart Tattoo during As It Was after “...and I’m the one who will stay” (0:41) The day before Taylor played All You Had to Do was Stay as a Surprise Song on the 10th June. Harry played Best Song Ever intro to WMYB.

17 June 2023 - Wembley - at the end of Sweet Creature Harry went to kiss the tattoo and stopped himself then looked at the crowd with a cheeky embarrassed look. (3:16). Gemma had a baby 8 months later. Taylor had a particularly emotional show that night. She gave an extra wild Champagne Problems speech and extra long and weird Betty Speech and had Aaron Dessner out to play Seven and hugs Taylor at the end. Later a photo of TR sitting with Jeff in one of the Wembley crowds surfaced months later. Interestingly, this is the anniversary of Taylors 2011 Lover Journal entry days after Harry was MIA in the US when Taylor had the Temper Trap arm lyrics in St Paul. 

18 June 2023 - Wembley link Wembley n1 during as it was another link. I think the show above sums this up. Cruel Summer was officially released as a single 2 days later.

[lucidskittler]

Before the jjk chapter 239 leaks drop, let me just share my current takes on:

1) Yuji's new source of power.

2) Yuji and Sukuna parallels (?).

1) Yuji ate his brothers.

But before we get into that, we have to discuss Yuji's ability.

I got this from an explanation vid on youtube. (I can't remember the channel though because I kinda just stumbled upon it, because let's be honest at some point we're gonna need help, jjk is complex read) It was a helpful video that explained how Yuji eating cursed objects worked/affected him. To summarize, Yuji acts like some sort of sponge, he absorbs the curse from the cursed object, and when he ate one of Sukuna's fingers he became his vessel, and eating other cursed objects after being Sukuna's vessel just negated any curse from said object because Sukuna being the strongest curse trumps its power. Hypothetically, if Yuji eats a cursed object with Sukuna no longer in him, he will finally be able to absorb the curse/ curse technique that object offers.

But, if you don't accept that explanation there's always chapter 220 where Yuji cites Shoko's explanation/observation that AFTER he becomes Sukuna's vessel is when he became able to absorb curses from cursed objects.

Actually, both explanations of how Yuji takes in new power are the same, just with timing difference of when this ability started. (Personally, i side with the video, that Yuji always had this ability and was the reason for him to be able to become a vessel in the first place)

Anyway back to chapter 220, after Yuji cites Shoko's take on his curse absorbing ability, he explains he'll eat anything (to be strong) and kill Sukuna. and Later in that same chapter we see a panel with a conversation between Yuji and Choso. Yuji is apologizing for Choso's brothers, which could easily be mistaken to be about Kechizu and Eso. But I think Choso had already been on Yuji's side long enough for them to talk that out and also, Choso replies "No problem as long as they live on inside you." I don't know about you but that clearly signifies him eating all the remaining curse womb death paintings to gain their cursed technique. Hence, chapter 239 where we see his newly acquired strength.

2) Yuji and Sukuna are both Cursed wombs

After chapter 143, where Yuta fake assasinates Yuji, Yuji sees a flashback of his mother with stitches on her head. This chapter is where we find out that Yuji really is Choso's brother and a Cursed womb: Death painting.

This is purely speculation on my part but hear me out, Sukuna is inexplicably powerful, the STRONGEST of his time. He was previously said to be a sorcerer that turned into a cursed spirit, or so the story goes. In chapter 237, During his fight with Gojo he revealed he was an unwanted child, Gojo in the next chapter also wanted to teach him love, because he believed Sukuna and himself were similar in their isolation in being the strongest, not being able to fully live normal lives like everyone else, even Yoruzu, the sorcerer possessing Tsumiki, wanted to Love sukuna (although hers was more of an unhealthy obsession to say the least) I think both got the reason behind Sukuna isolation wrong. Gojo thinks it's because of his power difference, but I believe it's because of Sukuna being a curse womb, half-human, half-cursed spirit.

As far back as in chapter 60, Kechizu tells the story of the orjgin story of the cursed womb death paintings. Loosely, there was a woman in the Meiji era that is able to conceive a half cursed spirit child and in the story she's ostracized by her community and so she asks for help from jujutsu sorcerers with the baby's corpse in hand. That's when Noritoshi Kamo aka Kenkaju gets a hold of her and performs experiments on her resulting into 9 pregnancies and 9 abortions. How does Sukuna fit into this story? I speculate he was the first child/corpse in the story, he either wasn't dead maybe the mother pretended he was dead to get him to safety, maybe he was dead and was brought back to life by Kenkaju, either way he was that unwanted child.

In chapter 116, where Sukuna finished off Jogo, they had an interesting conversation where Sukuna ended by praising Jogo stating that Jogo was strong, the acknowledgment and validation stirred up Jogo's emotions as he asks what it was he was feeling as he was brought to tears. This was an early indicator that Sukuna probably never experienced such emotions himself as he simply replied "Don't ask me, I don't know either." Further reinforcing the lack of connections and bond in Sukuna's life as an unwanted child.

I just also want to add that Sukuna has marks on his arms like those of Akaza from demon slayer, which has in fact a real practice in Japan where a thief is marked with a tattoo on the arms for each crime. I assumed he there was a time in Sukuna's life, based on this, when he was vulnerable enough for even mere humans to be able to punish him, but this could just be a stretch and those marks could mean nothing because in researching this I found that this practice started in the Edo period and was banned in the Meiji era which is when the death painting story takes place.

[thepro-lifemovement]

Pro-abortion activists fight for abortion throughout pregnancy for any reason—no exceptions. Their fundamental argument centers on women’s health.

But stunning research shows this concern is all smoke and mirrors.

Pro-abortion activists have long tried to claim that abortion is safer than childbirth. For years they’ve touted manipulated numbers, trying in vain to bolster this myth. We’ve always known those statistics were bogus, and a study by Dr. Priscilla Coleman and Dr. David Reardon reveals abortion is much more dangerous to women than giving birth. And the results are sadly even more devastating to women’s health than even I had anticipated.

First, let me vouch for the authors of this research. I know them both to be solid individuals with a reputation for thoroughness. I met Dr. Coleman in Santiago, Chile where we lectured at their largest university. We again shared an academic podium in Quito, Ecuador the following year.

Second, allow me to explain why this study is so important. It’s compelling because of its unmatched scope:

The study includes a large number of women—nearly one-half-million—experiencing first-time pregnancies.

The medical records are profoundly reliable because the data was compiled from Danish government sources including fertility records of births and stillbirths, the national abortion registry and cause of death registry.

The study covers an extensive ten-year time period, providing comprehensive long-term data.

It analyzes both early and late-term abortion compared to childbirth.

In other words, this isn’t a biased study with a relatively small sample size produced to cater to pro-abortion activists—or any side for that matter. This research was conducted at the national level, over the course of a decade, providing substantial credibility, a comprehensive level of detail, as well as earning publication in respected medical journals. The reliability has been substantiated, which is why the results are even more troubling.

When it comes to which is safer—abortion or childbirth—the results speak loudly and clearly:

During the first six months after an early abortion (12 weeks or less), a woman has double the risk of death compared to giving birth.

During the first year following a late abortion (after 12 weeks) a woman has over three times the risk of death compared to giving birth.

Here’s a link to the entire study if you’d like to read it.

Pro-abortion activists prey on the fear of Americans by perpetuating the myth that if Roe v. Wade is reversed, women will suffer horrific back-alley abortions and tragic deaths. The reality is that under legalized abortion, women are being killed on a much larger scale.

Remember when we heard the news that Planned Parenthood is responsible for 24-year-old Tonya Reaves’ death following a botched abortion. Reports showed that a devastating five-and-a-half hours passed between the time of her abortion and her transport to a local hospital.

There’s no record that a 911 call was placed by Planned Parenthood. The autopsy report indicated that her injuries were survivable if she had received proper emergency care in a timely manner. The only difference between her death and a back-alley abortion death is that Ms. Reaves’ abortion was sanctioned by the US Supreme Court, giving her a false sense of security that the procedure was safe.

Now Tonya’s one-year-old son will grow up without a mother. Sadly, there have been additional victims after Tonya’s death. And don’t forget the Gosnell “house of horrors.”

Planned Parenthood and other abortion facilities continue to lure young women under the false premise that they perform “women’s healthcare services.” Abortion isn’t healthcare. It’s killing. In fact, they’re an industry of death—killing unborn babies and exposing their mothers to a staggering increased risk of death. Let’s not let this grave injustice continue. Share this with those you know and take a stand.

You now have compelling proof that abortion is not safer than childbirth

[herrlindemann]

Sonic Seducer, June 2015

The exotic blossoms of a band break: After Rammstein said goodbye to the collective scene after their furious final show at the Wacken Open Air in summer 2013, the individual group members are slowly but surely returning with solo projects. While guitarist Richard Kruspe kicked things off last fall with the release of the second long play from his all-star artist collective Emigrate, spring 2015 will also be dominated by the Berlin industrial metallers. While keyboardist Flake Lorenz is trying his hand at writing books, frontman Till Lindemann is also letting the sparks fly again in every way possible: On the debut album of his solo effort of the same name, the flame-retardant muscle man has enlisted the help of Hypocrisy/Pain mastermind Peter Tägtgren. Together we'll be firing on all cylinders for 'Skills In Pills' from June onwards - and all in English!

The good news at the very beginning: the all-clear can be given. Despite all the rumors and speculation, the founding of Lindemann does not mean the end of Rammstein, as Till solemnly explains in the preliminary discussion about his latest field of musical activity. "Peter and I have been planning this project for ages. We had to keep postponing it because of time constraints — either he was on tour or I was busy with Rammstein. For me, Lindemann means more of a vacation from Rammstein. 15 years together is a long time. During this time we lived almost exclusively for the band and neglected our private life a lot. Some band members have small children and we are aware that we need more time for our families and whatever else is going on these days. It was urgently necessary for some of us to take a longer break from Rammstein. A break during which you can collect yourself again and really relax without the next appointments being on your calendar."

Anyone who knows the New German Hardness pioneer and the Scandinavian death metal veteran knows: you won't rest for a single minute on the twelve tracks of 'Skills In Pills'. On the contrary. As the names Rammstein and Pain suggest, on their first album the Lindemann/Tägtgren duo created a darkly bombastic, subtly electro-fied hybrid monster that stomps through the metal forest with glowing eyes, broad shoulders and a dirty grin to make his way through the mainstream and underground regardless of the losses. A real man's record, the result of a German-Swedish friendship that has now lasted a good 15 years. A long shared history that, according to Tägtgren, "starts with bar fights and continues through vomiting in Chinese restaurants" to the present day. Sounds too weird for a PR stunt, as Lindemann confirms. "We met when Flake and I got into a fight in a small bar somewhere in the north of Sweden. Peter somehow got in the way. I previously only knew him from seeing metal clubs and bars in Stockholm, but had never spoken to him. Back then we hung out a lot with the guys from Clawfinger and our mixer at the time, Stefan Glaumann. A time when I was out every night and knew all the clubs. Peter and his brother really saved our asses in that fight and kept us out of a lot of trouble. He calmed the heated tempers and said to these guys: By the way, that's the singer from Rammstein, they're okay. Afterwards there was home-made beer for the whole house. Then we all crashed really badly together."

Instead of burning off their excess energy in trendy shops in Stockholm, LindGren now prefers to spend her time on 'Skills In Pills'. With instant neckbreakers like 'Ladyboy' and 'Golden Shower', the bizarre fetish metal smash 'Fat' and the polarizing family planning guide 'Praise Abort(ion'), the duo will be open-mouthed and perhaps one or two scandal headlines from June onwards in relevant tabloids. The new pieces are based on Till Lindemann's notorious, deep black humor, which was often misunderstood in Rammstein and in his two previously published volumes of poetry. In English form, all non-German-speaking regions now have the chance for the first time to immerse yourself in the eerie and beautiful world of thoughts of the R-rolling fifty-something. Brutal humor for everyone.

"It’s just part of my job. I've always tried to let a certain kind of humor shine through; even if sometimes it wasn't much fun to record the songs. I can't judge whether this is the light, carefree side of Till Lindemann. The biggest difference is definitely that the songs are in English - a completely new field of work that I'm working on today."

The album was created in Peter Tägtgren's semi-legendary The Abyss studio in the tiny village of Pärlby, around 200 kilometers northwest of Stockholm. Where over the last twenty years milestones have been recorded by mostly black metal formations such as Dimmu Borgir, Dark Funeral and of course Peter's numerous in-house projects, last summer they clubbed their way through their collection of acoustic pills in a relaxed mood. Relaxed feel-good atmosphere à la Lindemann. "In his studio you can literally throw a fishing rod into the water from the comfort of your own home. Peter did the editing of the songs and I fished during my breaks from recording. We approached this project without any great expectations or plans. We just wanted to do something together. Everything has developed step by step into what you can hear and see today. Initially we thought we'd record a few songs and put them online to see how people would react."

"We are very serious about music," concludes Peter Tägtgren. "We are extremely proud of what we have created together with this album. But at the moment the project is still in its infancy. You have to see how much the audience likes our work. If it goes down well out there, I could imagine playing concerts with Lindemann. But at the moment it is still too early to judge. We'll wait for the feedback first."

The Lindemann album ‘Skills In Pills’ will be released in June; The detailed interview with Till and Peter can be found in the next issue.

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Who Will be the Next President of the United States?

Pray for Our Nation and Vote for Our Leaders Fall 2024

We have diligently been praying about the upcoming elections, that we, as a nation, will elect the right person who will hold the office of the president of the United States. We are also praying that we will elect good senators and representatives to rule over us, as well. We know all Christians, have been praying as well. Many believers are divided and confused about the choices before us. As Christians, we should care about character, the Supreme Court, and social issues like abortion and traditional marriage and also the future of our nation. Yet, the Lord has not made it easy this time for us to be at peace about our vote. There are no easy answers. The Bible says as long as we are in this earth, we see through a glass darkly, so we are faced with the choice between two flawed candidates for the presidency. Regardless of the outcome, we are committed to honoring and praying for whichever leaders get elected across the board because the Bible tells us we are to honor the offices of our leaders. The next president will face enormous challenges and problems and will need our support and prayers. We are admonished in the Word of God to pray for them, as God wants us to have leaders that will make decisions that will allow us to live quiet and peaceable lives in an environment of godliness and honesty according to the scripture below:

1 Timothy 2:1-5 1 I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; 2 For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. 3 For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour; 4 Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;

What Will the Next President Do?

Months ago, I started praying about the presidential elections. I even asked the Lord to show me who the new president would be, as I know He has revealed the future to some of His prophets and people. I told the Lord I would like to know since I have had such a burden to pray about this matter. My burden came with a lot of weeping and crying over our nation and the upcoming elections and over the spirit of division that is in our land. I have an intercessory prayer burden and maybe I just have a Jeremiah anointing on me right now, as Jeremiah was known as “the weeping prophet.” Anyway, God did not reveal to me who the next president would be, but rather led me to a scripture in Jeremiah and began speaking to me about what the next president would do. Here was the scripture He spoke to my heart:

Jeremiah 1:10 “See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant.”

Here is what He revealed to me about the correlation of this scripture and the office of the presidency of which either Donald Trump or Kamala Harris will fill. We are going to have one of these people as our next president and one of them will be “set over the nations” for a very unusual purpose. The Lord does want this nation to change and the needed change is one of coming back to honoring God in our culture and society. Regarding our nation, change means that those things in our nation that are corrupt and dishonest need to change and be removed. Change requires that the bad things need to be rooted out, to make room for the new. The Lord revealed to me that a lot of destruction would be going on during the next presidential term, as there would be a lot of “throwing down” and “rooting out” of past government policies and wickedness in high places. As I stated, He did not tell me who would be our next president, but He gave me this scripture and explained to me what it meant for this election. Either we, as a nation, will repent and serve Him or we will continue to suffer under more pressure from our government leaders and endure more strife among us. Our problems are spiritual problems and not party problems. No one party has the answers to our problems in this nation. God has our answers if we seek Him.

Again, what the Lord spoke to me about, was the next president would be tearing down and destroying a lot of things, before the Lord could begin to “build and plant” good things in our government. The plowing up would come before our nation could be rebuilt. The next president cannot build until some of the evil is rooted out. Then they, or possibly the next president to follow, would then be able to build and plant. This would come after some things were destroyed in this next term of office. My first thought was: “I wonder if this is Donald Trump because he is sometimes like a bull in a China closet and he plans to do a lot of changing in the government if he gets to be president.” But the Lord then revealed to me not necessarily so, as this verse could describe either of them; and could refer to Kamala Harris, as well, as this election still hangs in the balance. (Sometime our first thoughts toward a Word from the Lord are not exactly the way we mentally process it, but can have a different meaning.) [1] See note at bottom of article regarding how to discern the origin of the things we hear.

What Will be Torn Down?

Wrong policies can tear down many of our Christian values and beliefs in our country (like unrestricted abortions). No party is perfect, nor is any candidate perfect. However, before voting it would be wise, as Christians, to compare platforms of the parties to see which one more closely lines up with the Bible. If we think we cannot vote for a person because of their personality, we can vote for the person who stands upon the party platform that is based more on Christian principals, as those will be the issues that we will live under. We then can pray the person who represents that party will lead the nation in the platform statements they represent. (You can search the Internet for a comparison between the Platforms.) The Bible declares that everything that can be shaken, will be shaken, and only things that are based on the Word of God will stand. We pray the church will be standing for the right issues and will vote in this critical year that will determine our future, because more chaos and destruction are coming to our land very soon.

Destruction and Chaos Coming

The destruction that is coming will either be another judgment on our nation because of increased sin and will continue until we repent and turn back to God. Part of any judgment process is the exposing of sin, so men can be saved, so God may be allowing the exposing of sin in our nation for the purpose of pulling it down and rooting it out. I do believe our country is going through judgment and tribulation, but I do not believe we will be destroyed as a nation, as I believe our national judgments are coming for the purpose of restoration, not total destruction. However, if evil is not dealt with, we will be overcome by it. We could be spared many heartaches if we would just repent and get rid of the evil in our individual lives and then the evil in our nation will lessen. What will be torn down will depend on who is elected for president, along with the house and senate. For a better understanding about this subject, click here for “What the Bible Says about Judgment.”

Hebrews 12:23-29 (AMP): 23 And to the church (assembly) of the Firstborn who are registered [as citizens] in heaven, and to the God Who is Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous (the redeemed in heaven) who have been made perfect, 24 And to Jesus, the Mediator (Go-between, Agent) of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood which speaks [of mercy], a better {and} nobler {and} more gracious message than the blood of Abel [which cried out for vengeance]. 25 So see to it that you do not reject Him {or} refuse to listen to {and} heed Him Who is speaking [to you now]. For if they [the Israelites] did not escape when they refused to listen {and} heed Him Who warned {and} divinely instructed them [here] on earth [revealing with heavenly warnings His will], how much less shall we escape if we reject {and} turn our backs on Him Who cautions {and} admonishes [us] from heaven? 26 Then [at Mount Sinai] His voice shook the earth, but now He has given a promise: Yet once more I will shake {and} make tremble not only the earth but also the [starry] heavens. 27 Now this expression, yet once more, indicates the final removal {and} transformation of all [that can be] shaken–that is, of that which has been created–in order that what cannot be shaken may remain {and} continue. 28 Let us therefore, receiving a kingdom that is firm {and} stable {and} cannot be shaken, offer to God pleasing service {and} acceptable worship, with modesty {and} pious care and godly fear {and} awe; 29 For our God [is indeed] a consuming fire.

This Election is Hanging in the Balance as to the Outcome

The Lord spoke to me this election hangs in the balance and it will be up to the prayers and actions of Christians as to who is elected because the church will determine who will rule over this nation and this applies to all the nations in the world. God rules His Kingdom through His people and if we obey Him, His will, will be done. This is because our leaders are a reflection of the people. The Bible tells us that nations that sin will come under judgment and without repentance we come under the curses of the Bible and one curse is having leaders or rulers that exploit the people by exercising power and excessive rule over them. This does not just apply to our nation, but the nations of the world, as well. The church worldwide was called to be light and salt to the nations and when the church fails in her calling, we all suffer. The church will ultimately determine which candidate comes to power. If we repent and pray, the Lord will see we get the better of the two, although they are both very flawed. People are asking who they can vote for. Perhaps, this time we are faced with voting for a platform that does not list “killing babies” as one of its principles and policies, so instead of voting for a person, we should pray about voting for the party platform of principles and policies that is closest to the tenets of Christian belief and the Word of God.

What About Just Not Voting at All?

One look at our country and we see our nation seemingly getting further away from God and instead of people repenting and trying to get their lives right before God, many just either remain apathetic or laugh things off. Soon none of the things happening in our nation will be a laughing matter if we do not repent. We are praying for a revival in this nation. Some people are refusing to vote at all, because they do not like what they see in either candidate. However, I do not believe the Lord would have us disengage from the voting process because we are disgusted, but try to get God’s perspective as to how He is viewing all of this confusion in our nation. If we refuse to vote, we are leaving the choice to others who will decide who rules over us, as a decision” not to vote,” is still a decision and that is the decision of passivity. God never calls us to be passive about things. If we do not understand what is going on, we can trust God that He knows the future and will guide us to do the right things today that will affect our future. Some people who are refusing to vote are calling their withdrawal from the election process, as a vote of conscious. They do not want to side with the wrong people. However, when we take that position, we are then allowing others to dictate our future because the presidency is bigger than just one person. There are many people who surround the president that will be making decisions in their respective offices of the Supreme Court, the cabinet members and other government offices. The new president will influence the Senate and the representatives and the nations of the world. Should we just not vote and let others choose who will be doing these things?

There are other issues on the ballot besides voting for the president and other candidates such as the senators and representatives. We have local officials that we will be selecting along with referendums and propositions that affect our cities and towns. One in our state, Arizona, is the issue of deciding if we are going to allow recreational marijuana to be legal. As Christians, we need to say no to this form of drug addiction. Our children are already bombarded with enough temptations without the added burden of legal marijuana which is destructive to so many people. Other states will also be voting on important issues in their areas, so we need to study the propositions and vote on the right side of these issues as well.

Option of Voting for Personality or the Party Platform?

We have two major parties, as we all know, the republicans and the democrats, so in this election, if we are having problems with voting for either of the presidential candidates because of their personalities, perhaps, as I have stated, we should consider casting our vote not based on the candidate’s personality, but instead, we are to vote for the person who stands on the platform that most closely lines up with Bible principals because the two platforms are very different. To look at just one issue, the one of abortion, we find one party supports life, while the other supports death (pro-abortion) and the candidates are both very vocal about their stand on this issue. The other main issue is that of the Supreme Court appointees by the next president. We should consider voting for the candidate whose party platform most closely lines up with Christian principles and then believe God to work with the person to change them and correct them by using the men and women that will serve with them, as each party will have a cabinet of people who will be there to advise them and work with them. This should apply to the other candidates as well at the local and state levels. I am not telling anyone how to vote because ultimately that is each individual’s right and decision. I am only sharing my own struggle regarding voting. I believe we can hear God in the matter if we seek the Lord with our whole heart because He tells us if we do, He will hear and answer.

Jeremiah 29:13 “And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”

Bottom Line

Bottom line is that neither candidate is the answer to ultimately changing our country, but rather when we all repent from our sins, and the people of this nation turn back to God we will then come back under God’s protection and favor again. He will then give us the leaders we need who will build up our country again. This go round we should all be prepared to face turmoil on every side, as I know neither candidate will fully have the answers to our nation’s problems, because our problems are spiritual problems and until we return to God, we will continue under the judgments that we see all around us. The clearest thing the Lord revealed to me about this next presidency is that it comes with a destructive process of things being “torn down” before we can ever rebuild as a nation. However, it is necessary; as it is like remodeling a house. First, you have to tear a lot of things out, refurbish some things, rearrange some things, add some new things, add new fixtures and paint so that the new remodel will work better for us. We did this in our kitchen a few years back and the process took about two months and it was really hard to live in the house while it was going on, but the end result was great. I had new pull-out drawers so I did not have to crawl on the floor to get into the lower cabinets and other upgrades that made my cooking so much easier. So it is now, in our government. We have to endure the coming process before we will be blessed with the end result. The best way to endure is to pray for both parties and for peace and unity among them so they can work together for the good of the country.

Prepare for the Days of Turmoil Ahead

Since trouble is coming to our nation, we should be prepared physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. The most important thing is that we get close to God and hear His voice so we know where He wants us to be in the coming days. We must learn to depend on Him for all of our needs. This is the time to seek God and get our house in order for the coming days of tribulation throughout the world. We must learn to overcome the things we all will face by trusting and having faith in God and His Word. We need to pray not only for our country, but for the nations of the world that need Jesus as well. Our answer is to pray that all Christians will work toward establishing the Kingdom of God in each of their respective countries, as we look for the coming of the Lord to rule and reign in the world. This begins with the Kingdom of God established in each of our individual lives. Eventually God’s kingdom will triumph over all. God has called each of us for such a time as this. This will be a time of overcoming and a walk of faith and miracles in the Lord, so from that perspective it will be exciting to see Him move in miraculous ways. We are now living in the days that our Lord will soon return, so we must remember what Jesus said in Matthew 24:13:

Matthew 24:13 “But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.”

We are praying that God will withhold more judgments on our nation and have mercy on us because I do not believe His people are ready for what lies ahead. We are praying God will give us His wisdom and guidance in this nation and place over us His leaders who can take us through hard times. We are asking the Lord to cleanse us and deliver us from all deception as much of our problems stem from being deceived into becoming worldly. May He give us His discernment so we choose wise and righteous leaders, who love justice and mercy. We pray that our great country will be used to fulfill His will on the earth, as it is in Heaven.

Bottom line is that we need to pray the Lord’s Prayer over this election and listen to God as to his leadership regarding voting, not only for the president but for all elected officials and the voter propositions, as well. We have the privilege of voting and we should not throw that privilege away. We will be accountable before God for all of our choices. My prayer is that all of God’s people will hear His voice and vote accordingly. We can make a difference in this world.

Matthew 6:9-13 9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. 11 Give us this day our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.

Editor’s Note: This is not a political article to endorse any person, but was written to encourage God’s people to pray for their national elections and leaders and to encourage Christians to exercise their civic duty of voting by looking to God and the guidelines of the Bible for guidance as to how they are to vote. Steven P. Miller; Gatekeeperwatchman.org, @ParkermillerQ, TM., www.facebook.com/groups/Sparkermiller.JAX.FL.USA?_rdr

END NOTES: [1] Any interpretation of a dream, vision or revelation or guidance from the Lord must be tested or proved and not just taken at face value since we may interpret things with our minds, instead of understanding the correct spiritual meaning. Many times, Christians do get a word or revelation from the Lord, but fail to interpret it correctly, as they interpret it out of their own knowledge and understanding instead of getting God’s interpretation of the vision or word. Peter was an example of this, as when he saw the vision of the unclean animals and heard the voice from heaven to “eat,” he thought the Lord was telling him to eat unclean meats, which he had never done because he was a good Jew and the Bible had already forbidden him to do so in the Old Testament (Leviticus 11). The Lord had to reveal to Peter that He was not telling him to eat unclean meats, but rather the interpretation was that the unclean animals in the vision represented the Gentiles and they now could be received as converts since they had been cleansed spiritually by Jesus Christ and he was to accept them as Christian brothers and sisters (Acts 11). We must base our guidance and revelations on the Word of God, the Bible.

From: Steven P. Miller, @ParkermillerQ, gatekeeperwatchman.org TM ‎Founder and Administrator of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups Jacksonville, Florida USA, Saturday, October 5, 2024, X … @ParkermillerQ, #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO. https://www.facebook.com/gatekeeperwatchnan https://www.facebook.com/ https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sparkermiller.JAX.FL.USA Instagram: steven_parker_miller_1956 #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO.