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#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one
lesbiansanemi
·
3 months
Text
Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now
#my mom called me like ten minutes before I was off work today
#and asked if I had talked to my grandpa lately and I was like yeah some why?
#I’ve been showing what I’ve been cooking with him and my grandma because I was proud of myself
#and she was like oh so you know about his potential surgery?
#and I was like. his what???????
#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one
#but this is the third time it’s had to be replaced and as he’s gotten older he’s had a lot more health issues
#and they’re not even sure his heart can handle getting it replaced…. he has an appointment tomorrow to find that out
#and no one told me. no one fucking told me it was that bad and I’m so
#like man my feelings on my grandparents are so insanely complicated but I do love them
#I love them so much and they practically raised me and loved me more and treated me better than my mother EVER did
#they’re the only family members I’ve ever been legitimately terrified and upset over not accepting me cuz I’m queer
#like my mom and siblings? I could not give a flying fuck if they hated me for my gender or sexuality
#if my grandparents had a bad reaction I think I would fucking kill myself
#and idk the point is I love him and I’ve barely seen him at all the past few years because we live far away now and I never visit because I
#hate the rest of my family
#but what if he can’t have this surgery?????
#or what if he can but something goes wrong??????
#what if he’s dying and I’m only able to go down and see him one more time
#and he could be fine. it might all work out and he could be fine
#but man I’m terrified that won’t happen because WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME ANY OF THIS
#and yeah no I’m fully crying now I can’t do this
#he taught me to draw and he built the house I grew up in and he got me into lord of the rings and would take me book shopping
#and and and I’m gonna fucking throw up
#kaz rambles
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