#ive been insanely emotional about them since last night

[just1gnome]

"that sounds tediously boring"

gnome beat the game

here they are on the boat

[stxrvel]

i don't wanna live forever (1)

summary: reader couldn't stop having deaths in her life ever since the Supersoldier serum came into her life. no matter how hard she tried to stay sane, it seemed that life didn't want to give her a break. until, one afternoon, she learned that one of her old friends was alive… (you guys know im bad at summaries, but please give this one a chance)

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +4.5k

warnings: angst, major character deaths, canon deaths¿?, bad words, english is not my first language! thoughts of revenge and death, this is like an introductory chapter, so the buckyxreader interaction is low, but it'll get better, i promise!

note: holy fuck guys. i just spent like five hours writing and editing this and i fucking love it. its been a while since ive been this proud of a work, im actually scare the emotion will disappear, but i really want to rejoice in this one. i wanted to write something a little different from my usuals, maybe a little common in the fanfiction world, but i started and i simply could not stop (or maybe just approach this bucky fic from another perspective). so this is the first part and i'll try with all my heart to keep this going because it was fucking insane, at least for me. i really hope you all like this as much as i do! feel free to leave any comment! thanks always for all the support!! see you next time <3

part 2 ; part 3 ; part 4

When you went into the Supersoldier serum project with Steve, you thought you were going to change the world. Of course, at that time when technology was relatively new any invention felt like the beginning of a new era. That's how it was all sold to you and it was how you expected everything to turn out… Until you realized that it was all really a waste of effort and time.

They were just propaganda for war. Not to stop it, to promote it. To motivate it.

You tried, on several occasions, not to think too much about it. You tried to stay out of it as Steve sometimes asked you to, even though even he didn't want to, as Bucky asked you to when you lay on his shoulder to cry in the little time you had free between trips. It was a great burden of guilt and helplessness.

Until you and Steve, with the almost imposed help of Peggy and Howard, rescued Bucky from the evil hands of Johann Schmidt and his nefarious organization, HYDRA, that, unbeknownst to you, would haunt you for a long time to come. It was only after that, after spending several sleepless days on edge thinking about what might be happening to Bucky, that you and Steve were finally able to go out and contribute something. Destroy HYDRA and the Red Skull's plans.

Of course, you realized that not everything could go right when, the one mission you couldn't attend, Bucky didn't return. And then Steve didn't come back either.

“Do you think this will ever end?” you had asked Bucky the day before his last mission.

“Of course it will,” he had answered without hesitation, moonlight illuminating his clear eyes, squeezing your hand as if it was all he wanted to do for the rest of his life. “And after that we can begin to live as it should be.”

But there was no after that, because you never recovered from losing him. From losing them both.

“Are you okay?” Peggy approached, in the middle of the afternoon when the sun was streaming through the stained glass windows of the church, illuminating the spot where Steve's empty coffin had been, because they didn't even find his body. They didn't even think there was any of it left.

You barely moved your head to acknowledge her presence, moving the prayer slip they had recited throughout the mass between your hands. Your eyes were crystallized, in tears that no longer even made the effort to flow, because you had already spent too many days and nights crying. Peggy had been on the other side of the church, sitting next to Howard while the priest spoke, because you had refused to be near them in those moments. You didn't want to be near them.

“As well as one can be,” you slurred, finding that it had been a long time since you'd last used your voice for anything other than cursing and crying disconsolately.

The people had already left, probably an hour or more ago. The empty coffin had already been brought out, all the flower arrangements had been picked up, and the priest was preparing for the evening mass. You knew you had to leave, you knew Peggy and Howard were there waiting for you, but you felt stuck at that moment. You didn't want to leave, you didn't want to get ahead, you didn't want that life if it had to be this cruel.

You heard Peggy's sigh, before she took a seat next to you, a short distance away, averting her gaze to look at Christ on the cross.

You didn't know if you were selfish to be so closed off to your friends at this moments, because they must be grieving as much as you were, but you didn't know how to deal with the future possibilities. Bucky and Steve, great men and soldiers, one even with enhanced abilities, had not been able to make it through the punishment of war. What if Peggy and Howard were the same? What if they too had the cruel fate of dying at the hands of injustice? Could you deal with that? With everyone gone?

Maybe you could open up to them a little more because if not, who else? Turning away from them was not going to ensure their survival in this hate-filled society. Maybe you could protect them, like you couldn't protect Steve and Bucky. Maybe you could make a difference, because you had the chance to.

“You know,” Peggy spoke again, rearranging herself on the bench and crossing her legs, “Steve always knew this was how it would end.”

Her wistful, mournful, fragile voice sent a shiver through your body. Peggy didn't consider herself someone to show herself vulnerable in front of others no matter how close they were, even in those things that hurt her the most, in those things that affected her personally and made her eyes water instantly, she always tended to shut down. And at that moment you didn't dare interrupt her because you knew it would probably be the only time she would talk about Steve in a long time.

“Sometimes we'd talk, between tour trips, and he would tell me that wasn't what he wanted to do, even when he had to convince you otherwise,” her clasped hands would occasionally squeeze between words, blinking rapidly to fight back the tears. “He didn't know if he'd made the right decision.”

You could almost picture him, backstage at the foot of the stairs with that notebook he carried everywhere and wouldn't let go, Peggy at his side nostalgic, as helpless as the others. It reminded you of the times you'd had similar conversations with Bucky, desperate to find a purpose, a way through so much fog.

“The first time I saw him so sure of himself was when he asked us to help them look for Bucky,” she mumbled his name, as if trying not to scare you away by saying it too loudly. “Ever since then it seemed like he'd found that spark…”

“Until Bucky died,” you whispered, the words cutting through the cold and silence, Peggy shifting on the bench contritely.

“He lost something of himself from that day on, it wasn't hard to tell. The next time I heard him so sure after spending days lost, it was on that call from the plane.”

Peggy paused, raising her hand to cover her mouth as her voice faltered. You turned to look at her, wishing you could rip the pain from her soul and leave it in yours. She was trying to contain her emotions, breathing deeply, and in that moment you wondered what life might be like from now on, with the specter of grief following you around, waiting for the next time the dead knocked on your doors, unexpectedly, without allowing you to say goodbye.

“He had told me he wouldn't die in peace until he could get it all over with. And he took it all with him. And I hated him so much for it…” Peggy sobbed, her labored breathing standing out between words. She kept looking straight ahead at the stained glass windows, the expression on her face hard and scowling despite having tears rolling down her cheeks, as if she were trying to blame something for what had happened. Her reproachful eyes fixed on the Christ.

Her wails echoed through the walls of the church, the father on the dais sending them a look of sorrow. He had offered you water, thirty minutes after everyone at Steve's wake had left, when they kept walking, and you stood there.

Another empty casket.

“Ladies,” Howard's voice reached your ears amidst all the physical and emotional numbness. You could barely notice Peggy wiping under her eyes with the pocket square that was surely part of Howard's suit, as she took breaths to get up. “We should go now.”

You heard him walk, his slow, careful steps stopping just behind you. There, on his feet with his chest tight, he rested a hand on your shoulder and gave it a squeeze in support. He knew it was the most you would allow him at a time like this, deciding not to pass up the opportunity to let you know he was there. You sighed, feeling a heaviness take over your body as you stood up.

“Yeah, let's go.”

The next few months passed in a blur. Maybe too fast, maybe too slow, you weren't sure anymore.

Peggy continued to work at the Strategic Science Reserve for a couple of years, calling you from time to time to help her with some jobs. You kept a low profile, practically a fugitive from the state, while trying to live a halfway normal life in Europe. A lot of it thanks to Howard really.

Life had become a rather monotonous routine when you stopped getting so many calls from Peggy and Howard several years later. You knew they were fine, but not being able to return to the country filled you with anguish every day. And trying to lead a normal life became too complicated when you looked in the mirror and it seemed like not a single day had passed since you were in that capsule of Dr. Erskine's with Steve.

Until Peggy called one day asking you to come back. She told you that it was safe, that there would be no state officials waiting for you at the airport, but even if that had been the situation, you wouldn't have hesitated for a second to buy the first plane ticket and fly to see them again. To Howard and Peggy, to melt into an embrace, longing for the lost years.

You had thought that contributing to the fight in World War II had earned you a ticket to at least be recognized in the military, but all you gained was the government with their mad scientists looking for you to try to recreate the Supersoldier serum. Peggy didn't want to risk you and Howard gave you no choice by giving you a plane ticket to Finland with your bags packed.

You wasted many years not being by their side, unable to keep the promise you had made them in your head to be close by to protect them, to watch over their safety.

But when you left the airport there was only Peggy, and maybe that should've told you everything.

Her hair already looked gray, the effects of gravity and time present on her face. You hated to think that you shouldn't have looked any different from the way she saw you last time when she waved you off at that same airport. Her warm gaze was the same, raising her arms with held back tears to encircle you in a big hug. She tried hard not to sob against your shoulder, you felt the choppy movement of her breath against your chest.

She looked so different and the same at the same time.

You walked to her car a moment later, her trying to carry your suitcase and you telling her you were perfectly fine carrying it on your own. Amidst a smile, she walked into the driver's door and you frowned as you saw the empty passenger seat.

“Where's Howard?” you spoke as you sat down, after stowing the huge suitcase in the trunk of the car. The way you moved to buckle up, you didn't notice the way Peggy froze in place, her hands clenching the steering wheel so tightly that her breath hitched from the effort.

“We're going to see him,” was all she said, but she was very good at hiding that something was wrong. Only for a little while.

During the trip, even though you tried to ask things about them, about what they had been doing during this time, you didn't miss the way her shoulders were tense or her eyes very alert. Something bad had happened and Peggy was trying to hide it from you.

When she pulled up in front of a church, you already knew what had happened without her answering a single one of your questions.

Howard had died.

You two had sat next to Howard's son Tony, his spitting image, in complete silence as the prayers went on. At that moment you didn't know what had happened, hoping it had been a quiet and peaceful death, because you didn't know if you would be able to endure another violent death.

Peggy gave you all the details when the mass was over, after the coffin was taken away, and you hadn't felt such fury in so many years. Not since the deaths of Bucky and Steve had that adrenaline rush of anger returned to run through your body as violently as it did at that moment, when Peggy told you that he had been murdered along with his wife. All to steal some prototypes of Dr. Erskine's serum. The damned serums with which everything had started.

This time there was a body in the coffin, but there was also a culprit. Someone to point the finger at and take it out on for years of anguish and pain.

You were at Peggy's house, staying for a few days, when she told you that wasn't all.

Peggy had a suspicion that HYDRA hadn't disappeared when Steve crashed that plane into the ice. Her suspicions generated panic in you, because Bucky and Steve had died for that, now apparently Howard, only for it all to have been for nothing. The feeling of carnage that ran through your whole head made you nauseous, years of helplessness and pain pent up in such a small body had to find its way out somehow.

“It was a man, according to the information I've been able to gather,” Peggy spoke, taking a seat across from you in the dining room of her living room, after pouring you a glass of lemonade. “He didn't die from the crash. He had a concussion. He was hit in the head. His wife died from asphyxiation.”

“Does Tony know?”

“No,” Peggy shook her head quickly, one hand over her heart as if the mere thought caused her physical pain. “It didn't even occur to me to tell him something like that.”

“And he was looking for the serum,” you recalled, a bitter feeling planted in the back of your throat, the memories of the disastrous times during the war coming back into your head like a blinding flash.

“He took them. We don't know who he is or who he works for, but whoever they are, they must have been following us for a long time to know about them.”

“You mean years,” you arched an eyebrow, your fingers touching the cool exterior of the glass seeking some reassurance.

“Possibly. That project isn't recent,” Peggy nodded, drinking her lemonade with a grimace. You stared at the liquid almost finished from her glass, a wrinkle forming between your brows with each passing second and you kept wondering why.

“But what the fuck was going through that asshole's head?” you spat angrily. Rage at already the amount of lives that serum had taken with it and at Howard's recklessness. Rage at the reaper who seemed to be following in their footsteps for some reason, rage at that damn man and whoever his damn boss was.

“It was the only option, Y/N,” Peggy turned her gaze, meeting your eyes with a strange glint.

“What do you mean?” you were almost afraid to ask, your friend's gaze suddenly turning evasive. You watched her run her fingernails over the glass of the tumbler, lost for a moment in thought. The way her shoulders slumped forward in defeat caused a pressure in your chest that made it hard to breathe. Peggy shouldn't be going through these things at this point in life.

“Howard was working with the Pentagon, as a contractor or something. They had found you. Howard felt cornered and they made him sign an agreement.”

With your incredulous look on her face, Peggy didn't dare look back at you for a few seconds. So much had happened since you had left and it seemed that you had only been told about the things you weren't going to care about so much. But if you had known that you wouldn't have cared much about giving some of the state officials their comeuppance. You would've liked Howard to trust you enough to tell you, not live in as much fear behind his back as the last few years must've been. You didn't like the way Peggy's lips curved downward, as if she, too, would've preferred to make another decision had she known this was how it was going to end.

“Howard assured them that he could recreate the serum, and told them he would as long as they left you alone.”

“Fucking asshole…” you closed your eyes, scrubbing your face with your hands. The rough skin of your hands rubbed against the delicate skin of your face, years of combat and mistreatment foreseeing a harshness that reminded you every day of what you'd had to go through to get to that moment.

“I only found out about it after it happened. I didn't see it for like a whole week,” Peggy shook her head slightly, her eyes glistening in the pain of the memories. You shook your head hard, a more violent reaction than you could have anticipated.

“That stupid… stupid asshole! What the fuck made him think I couldn't defend myself?”

“He was trying to do the right thing,” Peggy finally searched your eyes, meeting the red rims that told her you were holding back too hard breaking in front of her, only using that pain mixed with rage to keep you sane.

“And look how that turned out!”

Peggy stretched her hand across the table, with a pleading look asking you to lower your voice, averting her gaze to the hallway. You followed her gaze, for a second forgetting where you were, forgetting that her family was with you behind the doors where you were plunged into darkness. It was past midnight.

You took a second to calm yourself, trying to drown out the uncontrolled emotions and taking deep breaths to calm your fluttering heart.

“And if what you theorize is true…” you regretted the moment those words left your mouth; you didn't even want to finish the sentence.

“Do you think it is?”

“I don't want to,” you shook your head instantly, closing your eyes, the thought sounding illogical inside your head. Your hands on your chest trying to contain the storm of feelings that was making chaos inside your head. “That would mean that everything we did, everything Bucky, Steve and Howard did and sacrificed, was in vain. It will all have been in vain.”

You spent several weeks with that thought in your head, working hand in hand with Peggy, and the organization you barely knew as SHIELD, to track down the whereabouts of the killer of Tony's parents and the one responsible because the Supersoldier's serums were, surely, in the wrong hands.

And yes, it was many years of fruitless missions and dead ends, with you running every field mission and Peggy calling the shots from the New York facility. Every time you felt close to discovering something, it seemed that the enemy rejoiced in your failures and still couldn't understand how they were always three steps ahead.

However, you had to leave the missions when Peggy became ill.

The silent, lethal Alzheimer's.

During the first months in the hospital, she still recognized you. She also recognized her husband and children. But after the first year, she frowned every time her children walked through the door. After a year and a half, her husband had to remind her that they had been married for about forty years.

After two years, she was still only remembering you, Howard, Steve and Bucky. Her whole life during her time in the army was all you talked about, sometimes you would tell her how much more time had passed than she remembered and always, without fail, she would ask you how much you had done in Europe for so long by yourself.

She cried every time she remembered Howard's death. She cried every time she remembered her children. Out of her mouth came a thousand apologies that no one would accept, because there was nothing anyone could do to prevent what had to happen. You wished she had been a serum test subject instead of you.

For several years, missions to find Tony's parents killer were sporadic because you spent more time around Peggy than at the SHIELD facility. She was the only thing you had left of everything you'd ever had, of when you held the world in your hands. She was the last thing keeping you tethered to that reality, keeping madness from flooding your reason. How could you have so many years ahead of you when that was all you had to live for? A life full of the dead, full of pain and suffering. What kind of karma were you paying for?

You were leaving the SHIELD facility, after another failed mission, when Nick Fury stopped you in front of the exit. You almost rolled your eyes right under his watchful gaze, tired of having to meet him anywhere, and exhausted from his comments about this vengeance project or whatever he wanted you to be a part of.

You still didn't know how, being such an exemplary agent, Coulson had fallen into his nets.

“Miss L/N,” the man stopped you with his words, his hands behind his back and a tense stance that caught your attention.

“Fury,” you nodded in his direction, hoping he'd be quick because you were running late for your weekly visit with Peggy. “Do you need anything?”

“I'd like you to come with me somewhere,” Fury approached tentatively, his one eye fixed on your wary expression, which shifted to boredom the moment you thought you knew what he wanted.

“If this is about that project, I've told you a thousand times-”

“No,” he interrupted you, moving forward and removing his hands from behind his back. “It's not related to that. I really want you to come with me.”

“You look agitated, but I need-”

“I'll take you to see Peggy myself after this.”

You didn't like that he knew your routine, even though you weren't doing enough to hide it from the other agents. But Fury looked nervous, even though he was hiding it very well, trying to keep his cool as he looked for ways to convince you.

You figured it wouldn't be a big deal for you to go off the deep end for once. After all, Peggy never remembered you were going to see her.

You set off in Fury's armored vans, not quite sure where you were going, but sure that it was urgent, because he had taken it upon himself to let his driver know that you had to get there as soon as possible.

You took that time on the trip to come up with a new strategy for the next mission because what you were doing up to that point wasn't working and you felt too close to throwing in the towel, figuratively speaking. You could spend years following a ghost, but you wouldn't give up on finding Howard and Maria's killer.

Before the car pulled up to one of SHIELD's secret sections, they passed the giant, imposing Stark Tower. You never saw Tony again after that time at his parents' funeral, not even during his visits to Peggy because you always made it a point not to cross him. You didn't think you'd be able to look him in the eye while you knew his parents had been killed without being able to tell him. You had promised Peggy in her lucid moments that you wouldn't tell him anything until you could find the culprit. You didn't want to initiate that pain if it had to be kept repressed, as yours once was, and probably still is. You had learned, some time after the funeral, that he was living with Edwin Jarvis, and you were glad to know that he would have good companionship to keep him company in such hard times.

Fury, a handful of agents and you entered the vans through the entrance to what appeared to be the parking lot of an old warehouse. Upon entering, the first thing you noticed was the number of armed agents that seemed to be guarding the place, not at all discreet to how SHIELD used to do things. You weren't sure if Peggy would authorize something like that, but you couldn't question the Director's decisions. It wasn't your place.

“What's going on here?” you frowned, watching as every meter there was another agent and another agent. You got out of the car without waiting for an answer from Fury, moving directly toward the entrance where most of the agents were concentrated. You barely noticed their looks in contradiction, running their eyes over you and then over the man trying to catch up to you, dubious as to whether or not they should move. “Move.”

“Wait,” Fury's voice stopped the command in the agents, who turned back to look at you as you sent Fury a confused look.

“What's all this mystery, Nicholas?” the man startled almost discreetly at your tone of voice, the agents stirring uncomfortably, but kept the serene expression that was getting on your nerves. “What the fuck did you do?”

“We got a call from the Arctic.”

“From the Arctic?”

You tried to ignore the way the hairs on your neck instantly stood up, your body alerting you to something your mind still couldn't comprehend. You felt like a deer face to face with a predator, expecting the worst.

“The Colonel informed us of something that might interest us,” Fury's cryptic voice echoed in your ears, drowning out the flicker of uncertainty vibrating from your head to your toes. “They found a plane.”

You didn't even answer him. Your heart began to pound wildly, cornered, ready to have your head bitten off. The tension in your shoulders intensified, with the involuntary movement of your hands as you broke into a cold sweat. The mere implication of his words caused an emptiness in your stomach, a sense of longing and fear you hadn't felt before.

You looked at Fury, trying to find in his gaze the gleam of a lie, but there was nothing there but assurance. There was nothing but recognition and understanding in his gaze, but that didn't make the emptiness in your stomach and the tight chest go away. It didn't make the feeling of being outside your body go away.

You barely remembered to move in the direction of the door, the agents instantly moving out of your way, pushing it so hard that one of them flew out. You moved your eyes around every corner of the room, the cream-colored walls generating a great repulsion in you. And there, in the midst of all the confusion and the storm, a confused and disgruntled face looked back at you. A face you never thought you would see again.

Steve Rogers was standing a few feet away from you, barely comprehending what was happening around him and instantly recognizing you. Your chest compressed once again, the tears you held back for so many years even in your loneliness making their own way into your eyes, endangering to end that mask you wore everywhere you went.

Steve was actually there, looking back at you with his eyes shining in recognition. You didn't know if he was as surprised as you were to react or you looked so bad that he didn't know if he should approach you or not. You just knew it was him, it really was him right there in front of you. He wasn't dead. Steve wasn't dead. He was alive. Ah, he was so alive.

The broken sob that suddenly left you was loud enough to make your friend shed his stupefaction and stride over to where you were. You barely managed to cover your face, between sobs, wails and disbelief, feeling your knees give out, surrendering to the weight of the pain, when his strong arms grabbed your shoulders before you hit the floor. Preventing your fall, as you had wished so many times before.

You cried against his shoulder, when feeling him against your body you knew there was no doubt it was true. You moved your hands away from your face, wrapping them around his waist as tightly and lovingly as you hadn't hugged anyone in so long. Surely the last time you hugged someone like that was when you saw Peggy on your way back from Europe.

Steve wasn't far behind, his arms around your shoulders just as tightly, his chin against the crown of your head, moving from side to side trying to hold back the loud sobs that shook your body.

You couldn't believe it, but it was true, he was right in front of you.

Steve was alive. He had come back to your side. You didn't even want to ask why.

And there was nothing else you could think about for the rest of your life.

[runningthroughthegarden]

you were never are mine pt3

summary: fake relationships with your enemy are never a good idea. but this one was.

word count: 1.3k last part!!

as soon as jack left, you broke down into tears once more. sure you hated him before, but somewhere along the way the line between real and fake began to blur. you found yourself falling for him. and now, it had been ripped away. 

jack found tears spilling out of his eyes on the way home. as soon as the words left his mouth he wished he could take them back. he didnt know why he blew up on you but he knew you didnt deserve it. he never truly hated you, just frustrated you could never be his. but now that frustration had become reality. 

-

the next few days were awfully silent. a few months ago you wouldve been overjoyed by this fact, but now you felt like a piece of you was missing. the very first premiere was in just two days so you knew you had to pull yourself together. 

the day leading up to the premiere you did anything and everything you could to keep jack out of your mind. on the other hand, you were the only thing going through jacks mind. 

-

sitting in the makeup chair, you felt all your nerves catching up to you. this will be the first time you see jack since that night. not only would it be the first interaction since then, but all eyes would be on you. this event was the day where you and jack officially announce your ‘relationship’ to the world. sure there had been many sightings of you two, but this would make everything official. his hurtful words replay in your head. you had thought that maybe he was falling for you too, but you had never been so wrong. 

stepping out of the car, you are met with screaming and flashing lights. immediately forgetting about any worry, you feel a sense of pride wash over you. all your hard work had payed off. you giggle walking over to fans, signing and chatting. you were so distracted you didnt see jack coming up beside you. 

he was distracted for a moment, taking in your appearance. he thought you looked absolutely stunning. seeing you smile and laugh with your fans, a true genuine smile. he continued on, beginning to chat with fans and sign posters. 

finally noticing his presence, you turn to look at jack. you hate to admit that he looks amazing. you couldnt help but stare, the moment was interrupted by your assistant letting you know it was almost time to walk the carpet. you collect your thoughts for a moment as your makeup artist touches you up. smoothing down your dress you smile walking onto the carpet. you pose for photos, feeling the most confident you have in weeks. that is until jack enters the carpet. you lock eyes for what feels like an eternity, feeling every emotion come over you. he walks over to you, sliding his arm around your waist. you look up at him while he begins smiling at the camera. shaking off your nerves you do the same. the photographers go absolutely insane. 

“jack are you guys a couple?!” 

“y/n over here! what made you fall for him?” 

“jack!!! y/n!!!” 

“you guys are stunning together” 

laughing off your nerves, you are quickly escorted off the carpet and to your very first interview. 

“y/n, listen i wanted to-” jack begins but is quickly cut off by the interviewer. 

“jack! y/n! how lovely it is to see you! so when did this happen?!” the interviewer asks, very excited to see you two together. 

“well we obviously met during the filming of this movie but we really connected towards the end. we started hanging out and it just felt natural to be together” you link your hands together, leaning into his side. 

“so jack, what attracted you to y/n?” the interviewer asks. 

“everything really i mean” he begins, looking down at you. 

“she just has these gorgeous eyes that you could stare at forever. she’s one of the most positive people ive ever met. theres never a moment with her where im not smiling or laughing. she just brings this energy that you cant help but feel comforted by. y/n is one of the most hard-working people i have ever met, she has such a burning passion. i could talk about her for forever.” he finishes, beginning to rub circles on your hand with his thumb. 

“wow, i mean to have a love like yours. i’ll let you guys go but i hope you have an amazing evening” the interviewer ends. 

you suddenly feel overwhelmed and anxious. from jacks words to his comforting hand, knowing he didnt mean any of it. tearing away from his side you rush into the building trying to collect yourself. tears threatening to spill, you take a few deep breaths. jack quickly finds you, rushing after you. you see him and sigh trying to make a quick escape. he reaches for your arm pulling you in. 

“y/n please just talk to me. i didnt mean any of what i said that night-” jack begins. 

“i don't need your apology jack. please don't make me feel more stupid than i already do.” you look up at him, tears blurring your vision.

“what do you-”

“im in love with you jack. i think i have been since the beginning, of everything. these last few weeks i just, ive never felt happier. you make me happy. since that moment in your car, i was head over heels and there was nothing i could do to stop it. somewhere along the way it wasnt an act for me anymore.” you explain, tears rolling down your cheeks. 

silence falls over you as jack only stares. feeling enough embarrassment you begin to walk away. 

quickly pulling your arm, jack smashes his lips against yours. you immediately melt into the kiss reaching your arms around his neck as he pulls you in incredibly closer. every emotion you have ever felt in the past few months is poured into the kiss. pulling apart with red cheeks and pink lips. 

“im in love with you y/n” jack confesses. 

“and im so sorry for that night. i wish i could take it all back, i didnt mean any of it. but i meant every word i said to that interviewer. i am so utterly and hopelessly in love with you.” 

“so much for being enemies huh” you smile up at him. 

pulling him in for a kiss, smiling against his lips. the whole enemy act was overrated anyway.

a/n: too good :) tag list!!

@iloveneilperry @lian2793 @t8lzw @foxymask001 @ourloveisgod23 @valenftcrush @multi-fandom205 @neteyamsz @xh-josii @juleszzz @athenalive

[apurikottotii]

spotify wrapped ! 2024

it's been a whole year!!! i think i'm more happy with my spotify wrapped this year, since all the songs on my top listened are all very important to me (or at least, i can remember listening to them during a specific time).

okay i'm not sure how much 33,000 minutes is, but my longest day of listening was 547 minutes, which is over 9 hours. jesus christ. but june 30... that was an important day to me. i had an essay due on that day, so the night before i stayed up until 6am writing it (and reading fanfics to take a break, lol). it's really nostalgic, watching the sun rise and hearing everyone wake up.

.................... i'm a little sad that my top 3 songs are all songs i listened to in order to cope with a.... certain event. but. they are all good songs. truly.

hibana (ES COVER....): i fucking love this cover so much. i was recommended to listen to it after an es fan on tumblr said it was really good and i agree. it changed my life. i love the fast tempo, es's cv (i know i've said this before... idc she is so good), es sounds so emotional, i love the lyrics SO MUCH ("amidst a love that missed saying "no"- or something, "i don't want to harbor a love that never ends" and stuff along the lines of "do it properly", etc.)... and. the key change. absolute insanity.

help me, erin!: to be honest, i think this is my most listened to song, since i listened to it way more consistently and i've looped multiple covers (makina remix, piano cover, MUSESCORE piano cover, "sh-style", 8-bit, utau cover, MY ALARM. i'm not joking this is my alarm- or at least the instrumental version is) . awesome lyrics (i don't know why but.... these lyrics are relatable: "ahh, what will i do!? i raise my arm on high", "you are my princess, my selfish princess", etc.), fast tempo, dancy, IV-V-iii-vi progression, the way miku is tuned helps me cope with life okay... idk, it's weird to be obsessed with a touhou fansong (i don't even know touhou) but i just cope like this, okay.

kimagure mercy: what a fun and dancy song. i did transcribe this (and i'm quite proud of it). i think my favorite lyric has to be jubyphobic's english ver, "lonely girl needs a guy to hold on tight, baby". which is SO heteronormative but that's the fun of the song. this was also a major coping song lmao. i think i found all of these songs in the april-june range when i was dying. this song told me that you gotta just let it go and leave. "letting him walk? and walk upon you?" "even if i cry and beg you not to go, nothing can possibly change!" "let me hope just a little bit, dammit..."

good child and the fox spirit: yeah.... i found it because of that 0909 animatic lmao. no shame. i originally thought it was amane (before i actually watched milgram) bc i never watched the animatic. i don't have much to say about this song, but it's insanely catchy. that part that goes, "love you, i love you, i love love love love you when you're a good child" or something scratches my brain just right. can't believe kikuo doesn't have music theory knowledge. it's insane.

empurple: ARGHHHHH i found this the last week of june and it powered me to finish my essay. it really reminds me of samsa, with the rhythm and all. i love the tuning of miku (i think it's miku...). rhyming, "please forgive me and purple" and "empurple" is really amazing to me. it's so catchy.

honorable mentions: string theocracy (saved my life), butcher vanity (ashe...), mozaik role (actually saved my life. seriously i don't know where i would be without this song), yin-yang relationship (reminds me of a certain someone....), the nights (good times don't last forever), say it back (also reminds me of...)

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN??? i got into milgram during april (spring break) so i'm not surprised lol. i can't read the third one, i know the first two are es and kotoko- i'm... really surprised about kotoko? i think i listen to haruka, shidou, mahiru and amane the most? i wish they put all milgram songs under one artist though.

this is ONLY because i listened to fontaine's main and battle themes when i briefly got back into genshin during summer break. it was really fun and reminded me of good days in 2021... but i have no idea how it was that significant.

guys i hate deco27 i swear. i only have him here because he makes a lot of vocaloid songs. i usually don't like this new songs that much, but i think he still has got it sometimes. for example, i really liked aitai-lians and neverland. personally i think his milgram stuff is so much more creative. if milgram counted under his name, i would understand him being my top artist lmao.

[5-htagonist]

god damn im so happy rn... ill stick it under a readmore bc its about food and my appetite idk if it would be triggering also this turned into more of a diary entry than anything lol My Blog My Rules though

i made curry last night and im really happy because ive been having a lot of trouble eating and Making myself eat, on top of being really erally really broke so we havent had much food in the house thats just Ready To Go consistently.. like, we always have oats, but we dont always have milk, and i cant eat them with water.. or we have ham but we run out of bread, or all i want are fruits and leafs but we cant really keep anything except apples/oranges/grapes because they dont go bad before we finish them, or bananas cause they arent really ruined if theyre overripe you just throw them in the freezer. so we cant get salad materials.

if i try to just shove calories in my body and i dont like it i wont finish it. like i will feel full until i stop trying to make myself eat it. and this isnt even just when adderall affects my appetite.

then, on top of all that, i know if i eat i have to do dishes. my husband usually does them, but hes been going through a really bad time for the past couple months too, plus we only moved out july 2023, and before that his mom had been Divorced outta the house earlier that year iirc plus id been living there since july 2022, so his brain and nervous system has felt safe enough for the ptsd recovery stage for nearly 2 years. and he gets hit really hard with seasonal depression, and he has adhd too. he typically does dishes, i typically do laundry. the problem is its easier to wear the same clothes for a few days, or rewear laundry that isnt rancid, or wear ill fitting clothes that have been shoved to the back of the dresser, but its hard to wash a dish when the sink is full and the kitchen is overwhelming.

so, to avoid having dirty dishes, i wont eat. whats worse, is i was insanely stressed over school for like 3 weeks. all the stress i should have had this semester hit me really bad all at once. when im that stressed, i cant think about anything relevant to maintaining myself-- especially not maintaining neutral-positive self talk and constructive self esteem. which means i shut down if anyone needs anything from me real or imagined. which means i cant be there for my husband and make sure he eats and check in on him. so all this stupid shit just feeds into itself. ive had more s/h urges than ive had in years i think, and not even in response to anything extrinsic.

my goofy ass got drunker than i usually do super quick the other night, it wasmy husbands birthday party. i cleaned up the apartment super nice since mostly my stuff was strewn everywhere and did the dishes. i didnt eat all day and i think i had like, one inadequate meal the day before. so i was exhausted after cleaning, our roommate ordered pizza and i ate and passed out for 3 hour nap. by the time i got up everyone was already at Least buzzed. my brother in law got a mom call and my husband (drunk) was like Hey. Give me the Phone.. tell her i wanna talk... because she LOVES being upset that her kids are having a good time and feels the need for Hour Phone Call when and where she wants it, and my BIL is an adult but they dont treat him like one, so hes still really deep in feeling trapped in these trauma responses.

this i think is what really got me, other than not being on my full dose of adderall so my emotional abilities were compromised lmao. i was tryingto tell my husband i love him, because i was leaving to weed store, and he was getting triggered while drunk, so he was annoyed i was interrupting the call and i didnt get my byebyehugnkiss. not to mention they were being really loud earlier. so now i feel bad. i get back immediately down 2 shots (3 shots is where i am Comfortably Drunk) and share a j actually post cancelled kendrick just dropped. the point was that i got too drunk and started hitting myself on the head and crying in the kitchen floor lol but who cares about that KENDRIIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[just-rogi]

this is so stupid but im depressed, and im angry im depressed because i want to be happy right now you dont understand. i have been struggling so fucking bad these past few months when my health went downhill and i had to go on medical leave, i couldnt see my friends for so long, and i stopped getting paid and its fine i have money saved up but i feel insane guilt at spending any money on anything at all for pleasure while im off work. like ive dropped hundreds on doctors appointments in the past two months and cant rationalize concert tickets or shit. ive been having just bouts of anxiety and grief and i can manage them because i know HOW to manage them but its just frustrating doing all the depression upkeep when i WANT to be happy. i turned twenty two last month and i havent celebrated my birthday since i was in fourth grade because of reasons, and i was really scared of being let down so i just dont celebrate, but this year i begged my closest friend- i dont want a party i dont want people there, i just want to not be alone, and not be sad and i want to listen to 22 by taylor swift. and due to an emergency she had to cancel on me at nine pm the night before and i was so upset about changing plans i just wasnt able to regulate my emotions or be there with my other friend who showed up at my apartment unexpectedly, because i wasnt emotionally ready to be happy, i just didnt want to be devastatingly sad. I have been waiting to play 22 by taylor swift on my 22nd birthday for at least a decade. its so fucking stupid, its SO fucking stupid, but i was so disoriented and depressed that i cant bring myself to listen to it which is dumb because its not even a good song but it was supposed to be happy. my grandmother was the only member of my family who wished me a happy birthday, and less than a week later was easter and i wasnt invited but all my siblings were there. and im trying so hard to go for walks and talk to friends and go to the library and make art, but i keep going to doctors appointments and i cant do shit i used to be able to do and i feel so isolated at home... and it just kinda hit me... im not excited to listen to the new taylor swift album tonight. what the fuck. im taylor swift girl. im like THE swiftie friend. there were people in highschool who only knew me because i loved taylor swift, hell even on tumblr i was known for my stochastic terrorist taylor swift post that went viral, and.... i dont care. Its not even that i dont care- its that i actively dont WANT to listen to the album tonight. my phone lock screen is a sylvia plath poem, i have a full shelf of just my favorite poets, like poetry and taylor swift are my favorite things in the world and everyone knows it... and im not excited. what the fuck. i want to be excited again. i want to be happy about this. im sick of doing depression manitence and going outside and eating fruit and taking showers and going on walks. IM ANGRY BECAUSE IM SICK AND I DONT HAVE ANSWERS AND EVERY WEEK IS A NEW DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AND I DONT EVEN GET TO BE HAPPY ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT???? cmon man its hard enough i just want to be feeling something again. i deserve to be happy about this so why am i miserable and apathetic. i get it. im a swiftie and taylor isnt even that good and its not even something special because she releases new music every other week..... but man... i want to be excited about something again. its not my fault this time- i did everything right and im still just so fucking sad i cant cope

[krs724490]

11.4.2024

I think I've written more on this since the breakup than I have in years. so much to say.

I had a nightmare last night. I was attending some gala for the camp graham worked at. or maybe it was for RMP. but he showed up with catalina. and he had grown out his hair into a big afro and he had a scruffy beard. he looked like he gained weight and was not doing well. they were a super trashy couple. they had bad manners and everyone didn't like them. and he didnt care about me at all. he largely ignored me. and there was also an emphasis on food. a giant buffet and also a bunch of pre-made containers of different types of pasta. as soon as I woke up and realized it was a dream, the thought repetition was "it was a dream, it was a dream." and I felt a giant sense of relief. yesterday people mentioned catalina island not once but twice. one woman mentioned it in the morning and I wouldve forgotten about it but then lucas brought it up again later when we were vision board making. insane the way that lingers. if I were really reading into the signs of the universe, I would take that as a sign to back down. I also pulled tarot about it and got horrible cards that would also entice me to not have this convo with graham tomorrow. the universe signs seem very doomsday. no hope. I still dont know if I believe in tarot and signs. Sometimes I just throw the tarot out the door and I dont quite understand it. I could even interpret it like the tarot is trying to get me to realize my fear. the way that I lean on the universe to make it all right. really the universe doesn't comfort. the universe just is.

the other thing that happened that also seems shocking and impossible was that I went to hannas class this morning at high ride and she played somebody else by the 1975 as her final hill. the one song ive been avoiding bc I thought it would be too painful to listen to. I considered leaving, I dont have to subject myself to this, I thought. but then I tuned into my body and realized that it was a story that was causing the anguish. my body was just, in a spin class. and I could hold the multiplicity of emotions. how I should be feeling a certain sort of way when this song comes on. but part of me couldnt picture graham with anyone else. and then I didn't really care. I couldnt force myself to hear the song and feel the feelings. it just didn't happen. the lack of emotion made me wonder. none of it made sense. none of it. and it was almost laughable. how I was forcing myself to feel feelings I didn't have. so odd

[sweetspecterz]

PLEASE choose any song and tell me how it’s about Ghost. I haven’t listened to ToP in forever, so I can’t remember their songs off the top of my head but ajdkckdksosk

It’s my favorite way to listen to music and I HAVE to know your interpretation of those songs

-dehliman

HEHE THE POWER IVE BEEN GIVEN. Since my last post was about the songs on Vessel, I'll choose one of those! I may do other songs we'll see. This entire post makes me sound insane LMAO

Ode To Sleep... Oh boy...

First of all, the music and the vibe of the song FEELS like Ghost. Especially the intro makes me think of late nights in dark abandoned buildings on an investigation with an overwhelming feeling that something is going to go horribly wrong at any second... And the music making that warping noise at around 24 seconds marks a loss of control and by extension, possession. Ode To Sleep related to Ghost, simply put is a bunch of emotions and pleading directed at Jimmy for the turmoil and trouble (an understatement to call it trouble) he causes. Really there's a lot of themes of fighting off your demons but finding a difficulty in doing so, in this case it's more fighting off a specific demon. "I'm pleading, please, oh please On my knees repeatedly asking Why it's got to be like this? Is this living free?"

The chorus is an obvious plea for Jimmy to stop doing this shit as well, but Ghost blaming himself at the same time. "Why won't you let me go?" "Do I threaten all your plans?" I'm insignificant, please tell 'em You have no plans for me I will set my soul on fire What have I become?"

Paired with "I'll stay awake 'Cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight" It all really feels like a mix of fighting and giving in, and fighting again. Also, something about this makes me think a bit about the Gregory era and Cardboard Friend??? Yeah- "Then I feel my soul start leaving Like an old man's hair receding" I definitely think most times Jimmy possession is a process and it's not instant. It's a horrible feeling that's hard to fight, feeling himself slip out of control with the knowledge Casket is coming out to harm people.

"Why am I not scared in the morning? I don't hear those voices calling I must have kicked them out I must have kicked them out I swear I heard demons yelling Those crazy words they were spelling They told me I was gone" I personally have a period of time where Ghost wasn't (to his knowledge) being haunted actively or followed actively. A period of time between Cardboard Friend disappearing and Jimmy appearing, the period of time it took for the entity to get stronger and stop being a silly but oddly threatening 'imaginary friend' and turn into something more obviously malevolent with showing the intent it had the entire time. Ghost may have a false sense of security thinking he can do something to get rid of Jimmy, the same way he got rid of Cardboard Friend. He doesn't know he never got rid of him in the first place... I don't think half of this makes sense but that's all I have for this song for now that I can put in words, thank you for reading my insanity

[m4rs-ex3]

#all of thiiiiis mars you speak for us all#the fuckin watch list part LOLOLOL#we are all insane from it all rn dont work#i havent watched this scene as much as their other moments simply because its so amazing and sweet and beautiful that my brain hasnt quite#been able to watch it more than twice in a row without wanting to combust from the emotions and the sheer fact that THIS HAPPENED#YEARS. ITS BEEN YEARS. AND ITS BEAUTIFUL#the way how once he starts walking to kiss her he gets there as fast as he smoothly can while his eyes are just TARGET LOCKED onto her with#intense heart eyes (and bedroom eyes tbh). no hesitation so content and sure of himself just immediately strides right up to her to#immediately kiss her straight on the mouth#literally before he kisses her shes staring up at him like 😳 in the best way. she cannot process what is about to happen#THE FUCKIN WAY SHE GIGGLES WITH HER EYES CLOSED FACE DOWN HAND ON HIS SHOULDER LOOKING THE HAPPIEST EVER AND HIS FUCKING EXPRESSION OF PURE#LOVE DOWN AT HER IM DECEASED#legit one of the screenshots of them ive stared at the most the last few days since someone posted it. there is so much LOVE oh my GOD#the animators. the animators deserve a fucking raise and a half. so do jack and paula. imagine how much they giggled while recording the#lines for all the fluffy moments like 'oh theyre all gonna go feral over this and we're gonna give em our all'#especially for the waking up facing each other scene and the morning on top the starscraper 'we did some freaky deaky stuff last night and#are so so deeply in love and so happy for the first time in years' scene#jack and paula and all the animators knew what they were doing in all those scenes and knew theyd make us utterly lose our marbles and they#were so fucking kickass for it what absolute amazing artists ya know theyre the true mvps here omgv#like. its been years. YEARS. and they delivered and then some#our fandom has utterly lost it but we have a right

@wolfwarrior142 no bc this literally all of this

the way that they have been through everything together and have the deepest connection two people can have, and yet they're still all flustered and sweet with each other. my heart

rayla's face. i. H E R. she is so goddamn excited i'm so happy for her

her watching him take her arm 😭 im gonna throw up. she doesn't even know what's coming

callum's face. i. H I M. he is so goddamn lovesick i can't deal

i can't believe he invented being in love

this is the face of a guy with Plans

if someone looked at me like this i would kiss them in half a heartbeat. clearly i'm not alone in this. at last she listens to me

the Stride

her starstruck little face. again the way she genuinely wasn't expecting anything and he could not have been more ready asdfasdf

i would describe the intricacies of how their lips part with accompanying frame-by-frame screenshots and how obsessed i am with it, but i think i'm already on some sort of watch list so i maybe just won't

his fucking sigh no one talk to me

HER GIGGLE. HER GIGGLE NO ONE FUCKING TALK TO ME. she is so ecstatic and relieved and he is so happy that she is so happy and i can't believe they invented love

oh this. when she's saying her ily and, so far, he's just been all cool and sure and bedroom eyes-y, and his eyes widen ever so slightly (ik i swear trust me) and then his eyebrows get that little upturn and despite everything, her telling him that he loves her (which she has already made rather clear) still gets to him.

HTHEY 😭 his arms tightening around her IDENTICALLY to their ambler kiss. his fuckin wide ass stance and her little legs together and she is just being absorbed by him like the marshmallow lady from scary stories to tell in the dark. but in a cute way. also who do i need to pay to just tell me where her hand is because there is not a single frame where you can see it and the curiosity is killing me

everything about this scene gives "couple that acts like every moment together is both their very first and their very last." they transcend time itself i am so serious

[rogue-durin-16]

THINGS NEVER GO AS PLANNED (Prologue)

"the aftermath"

Summary: After Fred's death, George and Y/n lean on each other to carry on. This wasn't the most brilliant idea, though; George was pretty much in love with the girl, and Y/n— well, she had been dating Fred prior to the Battle of Hogwarts.

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Genre: angst mostly

Tags:

Suggested by: @crispykittywitch

Things never go as planned: @sarcasticallywitty15 @beautyschoo1dropout @s1ut4georgeweasley

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: grief and angst

A/N: this is based off of this convo. I'm still expecting @crispykittywitch to post her headcanons but here goes the Prologue/set up for this miniseries/multipart. This bitch ruined me so now I'm ruining y'all. If you want to be tagged, tell me. Enjoy (lmao) <3

Part I: sleepless nights

Part II: candy floss

Part III: shock therapy

Part IV: wrong name

Part V: the perfect excuse

Part VI: the downfall

Part VII: apart

Epilogue: I still love you

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

I could still see his broken smile.

His eyes staring at nothing.

Percy said he died laughing, but he said it crying.

Everyone was miserable at our home; everyone had died a little, everyone but me. I felt like I was dead —except for the nighttime, when I was very much alive, crying my eyes out and wishing for that ache in my heart to stop.

Wishing I had been there, wishing it had been me.

At the end of the day, I was unimportant, the second best, right?

It should have been me.

It was Ginny who begged me to leave the Burrow and go back to our flat; she even helped me carry my things back there. 'bring my brother back' she had said before leaving me at the entrance of the shop.

Oh, how I wished I could.

I entered the apartment— it was quiet, similar to a cemetery. It wasn't empty, though. Y/n rushed to the door when she heard it opening.

I knew she was there; she had sent an owl to the Burrow a week after the Battle warning us that she was heading to Diagon Alley already, and that the alarm of the shop would most likely go off, since she didn't remember the spell to stop it.

She had also informed me that she would be shipping the deliveries which had to be delayed due to the war.

Ever the assiduous one.

That's why Fred and I hired her right away; Her goal-oriented, ambitious demeanor rivalled with ours, and so did her ingenious mind. While at Hogwarts, we were mere acquaintances, but after leaving the school, she entered our lives for good.

And our hearts too.

How could she not? Y/n was funny, charismatic and beautiful; she knew how to make one feel at ease; she was a great listener, sensible and caring; she was the perfect girl.

I just wished she hadn't entered my heart the way she did.

"You're back." The girl that once would light up the room looked miserable, but she managed to offer me a smile with welled up eyes before coming to hug me.

I hadn't realized how much I needed a hug.

The last time I had given or received one was at the aftermath of the Battle. It had been her the last person to hug me, too.

I had fallen on my knees the moment her arms wrapped around me, and I clutched onto Y/n as if I was going to lose her too.

I tried to say something —anything—, but the only thing leaving my lips was s strained cry followed by a strong sob.

"Shhh... I know... I'm here." She was crying too, but her tears were silent. She had always been the one to calm people down. "I'm here." She repeated, placing a soft kiss on my cheek.

As she stroked my hair and rubbed my back, I could only think that it shouldn't be me in her arms, kneeling at the entrance of the flat we shared with Y/n above our shop; it should be him.

And I could only cry more.

"We're gonna get through this." She stated, squeezing me tight before pulling away to look into my eyes. "I promise."

And I believed her. I don't know what was about her eyes that they were always so convincing, so persuasive in the best way possible. She could look at me in the eye and tell me the most obvious and ridiculous lie in the world, and I would believe her.

"C'mon," I snapped out of my trance with her voice. "let's get this to your room."

She pulled me back up and grabbed one of my bags, throwing it over her shoulder at the same time as she offered me a hand, to which I gripped for dear life as she led me into the house.

We left my things in my dorm and automatically stalked out.

I doubted she had gone to that part of the apartment during the two months I had been away; it was door to door with Fred's, and neither of us wanted to go near his room.

"Tea?" I nodded at her quiet offering, walking with her to the kitchen.

It wasn't until I sat down on one of our colorful chairs that I realized how fucking exhausted I was. My head fell over my forearms instantly after I had folded them over the table.

"I missed you tons." I mumbled, not able to put in those three words as much emotion as I felt. She wouldn't even be able to imagine how much I had missed her, it was insane.

A sigh escaped her lips, one of relief; I realized I hadn't said a single word until then. "I missed you too, Georgie." She brought with her two cups of tea and sat by me. "This place was way too quiet without you." Her lips curved into a bittersweet half smile as she squeezed one of my hands.

My lips did too.

[nothing-at-the-moment]

Rewrite The Stars IV

“Thank you for helping me with Alchemy last night.”

It was a Saturday morning. A much needed break from all the mounting homework the students of Hogwarts had been put through.

Y/N, Remus, Sirius and Peter were sitting in the great hall eating breakfast when Remus was left speechless at the claim made at him.

He raised a suspicious brow to his soulmate and thought back to the events of last night.

He had talked to her till midnight before retiring to his bed while James and Sirius had been awake till early hours of the morning. Sirius had slept at two but James was awake till around three in the morning. Nobody knows how Sirius is still chipper after getting barely four hours of sleep while James was still in the Gryffindor dormitory sleeping off his tiredness after his late night adventures.

“I really appreciate you staying awake just to help me with the fucking  gold spell.”, Y/N said with an exhausted strain in her voice which she tried to drown out by tilting her head back to finish the last bits of her morning coffee.

Sirius watched the interaction with great curiosity while Peter slept with his head on the table. There’s no concept like enough sleep for that boy.

“…I don’t take Alchemy. I opted out of it at the start of the year.”, Remus said cautiously as he could suspect something was wrong.

Sirius’s eyes widened.

“That can’t be possible. You helped me last night with the gold spell. You helped me. We were talking through our thoughts. You helped me complete the Alchemy homework.” Y/N’s voice grew more confused and loud with every word.

This can’t be happening. Her soulmate had stayed up with late at night till three in the morning helping her with Alchemy. And he seemed quite brilliant at the subject.

“Holy Shit…”, Sirius exclaimed with widened eyes and an even wider open mouth.

Remus looked over at Sirius with horror. Sirius’s head whipped frantically from side to side looking at both their expressions. Y/N looked like she hadn’t quite comprehended what this means and was still trying to process. Remus looked absolutely devastated. He looked like he was on the verge of crying with tears pooling at the corner of his eyes.

It’s like the whole Great Hall grew silent while the chatters and the occasional laugh still drifted through the room. Remus and Y/N were completely silent while all the noises; thud of footsteps, the constantly growing chatter around them, clanking of spoons and forks on plates, slurping of tea and coffee, even the mere sound of gulping, the sound of everyone happy became too overbearing as they came to terms with their sudden realization.

They were not soulmates.

Remus started sweating as he couldn’t sit between the continuous commotion and felt claustrophobic with the crowds around him. His breaths came out quick and heavy as he processed the thought in his mind and his throat closed up. Everything was becoming too hot around him and he couldn’t breathe.

Y/N, in complete contrast, had lost all sense of warmth from the happy and bright sunshine and lazy hue that entered the Great Hall through the big windows on either sides of the room. She felt goose bumps run up her arms and couldn’t help but shiver at the sudden emptiness. It was like she had been hollowed out in a few mere seconds. Her throat too closed up but she didn’t care right now to breathe. If you don’t watch closely at her every slight movement, you could see she was barely breathing.

Her eyes refused to blink while Remus’s blinked rapidly trying to make sense of the abrupt halt in his life.

Both their wrist’s tingled.

Remus’s jerked his head to look at the thoughts of his soulmate hoping against hope that it wasn’t true, hoping that his wrist hadn’t displayed in thick black cursive, just the words ‘Good Morning.’

Y/N still couldn’t muster up the courage to look at her wrist, afraid of what she might find.

Sirius quickly glanced at her wrist to find a stick figure of a tall boy high in the clouds on his latest model of broomstick.

Figures only appeared to show what the soulmate was dreaming of while asleep.

“I need to go.” Y/N simply said with her voice barely above a whisper. She quickly scrambled awkwardly to get up and swiftly made her way out of the room.

Tear pooled at the corner of her eyes as she took a quick glance at Remus and left without another word.  She had just started to calm down when her wrist tingled again. She couldn’t bear to look at it now. All those thoughts, all those late night talks which she treasured like an unspoken secret, all the love and warmth she felt from Remus and all the smiles his absurd but intelligent thoughts brought to her lips, had all been someone else’s.

She should’ve known. Remus wasn’t ever interested in Quidditch the least bit. He wasn’t always thinking of crazy pranks to pull up on Professor Flitwick. He wasn’t ever the cheesiest person to exist, showing her dreams of running away together and thinking way far into the future.

Remus’s love was more warm and calm and soothing. Her soulmate’s was anything but.

Her soulmate’s love was probably the most chaotic, cheesiest, dramatic, arrogant and obnoxious. Her soulmate’s love was crazy and she reveled in the insanity.

She ran all the way to the courtyard where it had started raining. Of course it would start raining. Her life hasn’t been anything but cliché ever since she came back to school this year.

She wanted her soulmate. She wanted all of him. All the crazy thoughts brewing in his mastermind, all his quirks which she were sure he has, all the cheesy pick-up lines he used on her, all the promises he made her, all the flaws she had noticed he has, all the arrogance which reflected on her wrist when he thought about how good he looked in the mirror at early morning, all the early morning thoughts because she knew her soulmate was an early riser, all the late nights because she knew he was also a night owl.

She wanted to be there with him when he ate potato crisps that he had snuck from the kitchen under his blanket from one of his late night ventures. She wanted to be there with him and for him when he was constantly worried about his friends like he was mother. She wanted to be there with him when he got all excited from getting all O’s in his exams. She wanted to be there with him when he got all pouty and sad because he had no cuddle buddy and his friends refused to cuddle with him.

She wanted to be there with him.

But now she was back to square one.

She laid down on the grass completely drenched from the rain and closed her eyes as she let herself feel the rain drops calm her down and mix with her tears. She lay completely still, in the middle of the courtyard and thought of all she could’ve had with Remus but fate had pulled her golden strings.

James Potter was walking groggily to the Great Hall before he missed breakfast. He had slept in after helping his soulmate with Alchemy till three in the morning.

A smile came on to his face as he thought of how awkward she had been with him the whole night but immediately turned into a complete ray of sunshine when at exactly two minutes past three, she had finally mastered the gold spell.

He was walking past the courtyard but then he saw a figure lying unmoving in the middle of the grass. He pushed his crooked glasses up his nose and focused on the figure trying to figure out why a person would be lying outside on grass unmoving while it was raining and they could get sick.

Are they hurt? Are they dead?!

With not a second thought about him getting drenched, he rushed towards the figure and immediately sank to his knees besides them. It was Y/N. He looked around reluctantly as if the air around him would tell him why Y/N L/N was lying unmoving in the rain.

Gulping down his animosity, he erratically rattled her shoulders and pulled her head on to his lap while trying to wake her up.

Y/N immediately sat up and looked around frantically before her eyes landed on James.

“What the fuck?! What did you do that for?” She shrugged his hands of her shoulders and stared wide eyed at him.

“Don’t ‘What the fuck’ me. What the fuck were you doing lying in the rain? i thought you were hurt. I thought you were dead!” He shouted at her still trying to wrap his mind around what just happened.

He was completely drenched by now and the thin white shirt he was wearing didn’t help much in hiding his well-built physique. Years of Quidditch had done him good and puberty had been very kind on him.

Then it registered to her that she was talking to James Potter and a whole new wave of emotions came over her because she remembered that he was Remus’s best friend.

A fresh set of tears rolled down her cheeks at the mere thought of Remus and James could see that the sudden redness that took over eyes and the water running down her cheeks was not because of the rain.

His eyes met hers reluctantly because James doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions much rather anyone else’s. Certainly not someone’s who despised him and he despised back.

“A-Are you okay…? Do you need me to get Remus?” That certainly didn’t help the girl in front of him in anyway as a sob escaped her lips.

“No…,” she whimpered and cried harder.

James panicked.

“Okay! Okay…no Moony. No Remus. We don’t want Remus. That’s completely alright! Just please stop crying.” He rambled on to try to make her calm down as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders hesitantly to keep both of them warm but also a little because he wanted to comfort her in any way he can.

Both of them were completely drenched but none of them cared.

One was a sobbing mess as she just wanted the rain to wash away all her sorrows and pain. Such excruciating pain.

The other had nothing in his mind other than the need to comfort her. He didn’t know why he was there basically drowning in the rain and quite probably catching a cold for a girl he had hated for so long. He just couldn’t bear to see her cry. It hurt him to see this strong, always happy, always challenging, complete ray of sunshine girl look so broken, so small. So he didn’t care if he was completely drenched, he didn’t care if he was going to be sick for a week after this, he didn’t care that the breakfast he was rushing to had already ended, and he didn’t care she hated him and he hated her. Because she was crying and broken in his arms and she needs him and damn it all if he wasn’t going to be there for her.

James was still awkwardly holding her when the rain had slowed to a quite drizzle as the tears on her cheeks dried and the sobs turned into whimpers.  He hesitantly looked into her swollen bloodshot eyes and carefully asked her, “How’re we feeling now?” She replied with a broken and twisted forced smile. “I’m alright now. I’m sorry for being so dramatic. I was just really stressed.” She gave him a half smile while his face turned into a comforting wide grin.

“You call this stressed? You call this dramatic? Here’s a fun fact; Octopuses eat themselves when they’re stressed. They just go complete cannibal on themselves. Now that’s dramatic. Sirius not letting us touch his hair because and I quote, ‘Your filthy hands don’t deserve me and my hair’. That’s dramatic. This? This is just a good ole cry. Letting out frustrations. Don’t worry about it. Happens to all of us.” James was trying to make her laugh because that’s all he wanted to see in her eyes and on her lips right now. But she just stared at him with a blank face.

“Who told you that?” she whispered.

“Well, Sirius reminds us on a daily basis. Never stops really. We once touched his hair while he was asleep and he-“

“No, the octopus fact. Who told you that?”

“Oh. Um, my soulmate. She’s always telling me these random animal and magical creature facts. Like how lobsters can live forever. How crazy and easy it is to breed a basilisk even though it’s illegal. She even dreams of them. She once had a dream she was riding through a forest on a unicorn while being chased by a giant. She told me once that she wants to be a magizoologist. I just know she’s going to be wonderful, whenever I meet her.” A smile adorned his lips as he talked lovingly about his soulmate.

He talked about her like she was the most precious thing in the whole universe. And to him, she was.

While on the other hand, Y/N’s world was crashing down around her and she stared at him talk about his soulmate perplexed.

The thing was that she already knew that octopuses eat themselves when they get stressed.  It was not that long ago she had found that out and had excitedly told her soulmate. She had told her soulmate about how lobsters can live forever. She had told her soulmate how to breed a basilisk. She had dreamed just a few days ago of riding a unicorn while being chased by a giant. She had told her soulmate she wanted to be a magizoologist.

It was just a coincidence, right?

She suddenly became really aware of how she was still sitting between James’s arms. How his fingers were unconsciously drawing doodles on her back. How close her face was to his.

She abruptly pushed herself out of his arms. He gave her a confused look before realizing the compromising position they had been in just mere second ago. His whole face lit up red like a lantern.

All of it was too much for Y/N to handle. And she could certainly not wrap her head around her thoughts of the sudden realization when James was looking so adorable with his flaming cheeks, ears and neck.

So, she did the only thing she could possibly do right now.

She ran.

She ran out of the courtyard and out of his sight without another word or even a glance, leaving him sitting by himself on the grass in the middle of the courtyard.

His gaze followed her until she was out of sight.

“A thank you would’ve been nice,” James grumbled to himself as he stood up.

“Thank you James for being there for me and sorry for making you completely wet and missing your breakfast.” He said to himself in a high pitched girly voice before realizing his words and blushing again.

“Merlin help Moony.”

[yeoldontknow]

დ content tag game დ

tagged by the loveliest angel @augustbutwinter to do this fun tag. thank you so much my love! 

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?  - harry potter, muse, merlin, supernatural, doctor who, sherlock

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? - kpop only

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog?  - my first actual fanfic would have been when i was about 8? it was for sailor moon but it was literally only in a journal i had. i presume that counts. so that would put us at 24 years lmao - on this blog specifically, since april 2017

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?  - here and AO3

5. what is your favourite genre to write? - aaaaangst lmao and horror/suspense. i love really dark things, and have always had a fascination in writing things that disturb me? i think its from an analytical or psychological perspective, exploring the limits of humanity and processing for myself why these things make me uncomfortable/where i feel them on my body/what is fear vs disgust idk. also very much enjoy fantasy/supernatural. 

6. are you a pantser or a planner? - almost always i have a plan, however there are some fics that come out of nowhere and i just have to write them. examples of this are enough and love; always

7. one shot or multi-chapter? - i usually try very hard to keep things as a one shot, and reserve series for things that actually have substance enough to extend past 3 chapters. lately, all my ideas have been very plot heavy or come from worlds i am very interested in exploring and/or have aspects of emotion i want to work through. if i cant keep it to a one shot (like...under 30k) i will make it a series and ill be angry at myself lmao

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?  - anywhere from 5-9k is a solid, average chapter length for me. some chapters, in hero for example, need to be more than this because theyre the heavy plot chapters. i have been trying not to focus on lengths anymore, just want to write until the story is told

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?  - the longest story ive ever written is 154k in a different fandom and yes its complete. at the moment, hero is breaching 98k and i imagine it will be my longest when its completed

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?  - when it comes to series, hero and time runner will, and always will be, the most special things ive ever done. i feel at home and myself when im writing them. im in love with writing them. the ideas are so strong, and the characters are so loud and clearly defined it just is the best time making art ive ever had. - for one shots, light sakura was truly catharsis. i needed to write that. its the most personal, vulnerable thing ive ever written and will probably never produce something like that again unless theres another major event in my life. also absolutely adored writing molotov cocktail and empty vessels. those are both the easiest 30k ive ever produced

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?)  - brooklyn is burning was technically a request and im extremely partial to it

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?  - oh yeah. usually my female characters are working through bad relationships or finding their voices, seeking identity and power in worlds that dont necessarily provide that. i write what i feel and what ive lived, the worlds around the characters are just exaggerations of reality and my imagination. theres always a little piece of me in my stories, and usually that piece comes down to them learning to trust which is something i struggle with

13. current number of wips?  - please i cannot share this number, not when im ashamed of the amount lmao

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 1. smut is insanely hard for me 2. fluff is almost impossible, and could be considered my weakness. happiness is an external feeling, an outward experience. im a very bodied writer and finding joy or finding small bits of romance is difficult (largely because i live alone) so i will over explain aspects of the idol character or highlight small actions in the effort of holding onto them 3. i am still learning to trust the process

15. a quote you like from a published story.

‘Don’t confuse loyalty with strength,’ you say, as he releases you. You remain still, forehead pressing against the bars to get as close to him as possible. ‘I have no allegiance to you. My silence is not owed to you.’

‘Really?’ he says with disdain. ‘It was given so freely the last two days.’

‘Your ignorance proves you have never truly known a woman,’ you taunt. ‘We are always at war, even if we are silent.’

- from: hero - chapter 3

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Would it have been easier for you both to survive if you could be a needy, fragile little thing - not ready to die, not ready to leave him on his own?

The night before, Chanyeol held you close, kissed you until your throat felt raw, and made you realize he didn’t want it, didn’t need it. He loved the war in you, handled you like a blade between his fingers, skin unmarred by your sharp edges. He didn’t want it, but you wanted it, at least a little. You wanted him to know there were still traces inside you of the girl you lost.

from: time runner - chapter 7

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

hello beautiful loves. every moment you even click on one of my works an angel gets its wings <3

tagging: @yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @yoonia @kithtaehyung @inkedtae @kookdiaries @kookingtae @xiaokoo @sunshinekims @biaswreckingfics @ditzymax @sugaurora @bangtanhome @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @writtenwhalien @jinpanman @cutechim and anyone else who would like to do this <3 as always please only do so if comfy! 

[taemtaro]

permission to dance on stage!

my concert experience 12/01/21 : day 3

[all photos in this post, i took]

my personal concert experience!

i wanted to share a bit about how my concert went, mostly just for myself so i can look back and read in detail about my night but feel free to read this if u would like!

life has been so busy, there is always so much that needs to get done so being able to step away, fly down to la with my best friend and watch my idols perform is absolutely insane and i cant express how grateful i am

we approached sofi stadium after an excruciatingly boring uber ride and got straight in line at 5:30 (ik thats late for some armies but we had been flying all day and that was the earliest we were able to make it)

we actually got in pretty quickly!! they checked our vaccine cards and tickets and then we went straight through security and found our seats

we were sitting in section C108 which is to the side of the main stage , we cant see the big screen but there was a screen on the side and we were so close to bts!!!!! (i was freaking out)

[for reference]

bts started playing and even seeing them right there and hearing them it still felt completely unreal. i was so happy i dont think ive ever felt pure joy like that , maybe that sounds dramatic but i truly felt like i was right where i needed to be

it wasnt just me who looked and felt happy it was everyone around me including the members , at ome point hobi said “i think right now, right here, we are the happiest people in the world”. everyone in that stadium was beaming!

tae was so smiley too it was so incredible to see.

join talked about how important and empowering it was to finally perform on and black swan in front of army, im glad i was there to witness some of the first mots7 performances

it had been 2 years since they had last played in front of us!!!

during boy with luv halsey was there! i dont care much for her but i thought it was neat that they arranged for her to be there:))

i was yelling and screeching and cheering and jumping, i was doing everything to give back what bts was putting out for us! and it showed bc my voice is dead

i was emotional the whole time, happy, appreciateive, reflective, nostalgic, but really pure pure joy. during save me i started sobbing like i was really crying but they were happy tears:)

i just couldnt (still cant) believe i was finally seeing the boys ive been admiring and listening and watching for 5 years in person!!!!

of course we all watch video after video and listen to song after song and thats all magical in its own way but nothing compared to hearing and seeing them live.

later in the concert we of course had to do the wave but joon explained funky and we did it wrong lol, all of them were like “nononono that was so bad u guys” and we tried a couple more times but it never ended as pretty as the members were hoping :,)

i have to mention idol because i felt that song in my core. the beat was insane and i could feel the heat from the fire that came out of the front of the stage. at one point the music went quiet and all you could hear was fans going “oh oh ohwoah” yknow the part and then joon went “PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HANDS UP” and we did!!!!!

it was just so so incredible to see the members passion and hearts poured into their music and performances

another thing to mention is tae dropping the mic hahahaha. during answer: love myself after jin it was his turn to sing and he tried to flip the mic but dropped it and then tried to grab it and hit his knee and then was just sitting there rubbing his knee and it was just so funny to see always slick tae mess up and laugh at himself

all the members had longer speeches near the end of the concert

jimin said army has beautiful voices and that they perform to hear us :,)

hobi said that he puts everything he has into each concert and its become his joy, happiness, and job

namjoon talked about how 3 is a lucky number in korean so it definitely was a special concert because “it felt like destiny, it felt like a fate”.

the end of the concert was really difficult. it was hard to see them leave but i was excited for them to go home, get some rest and eat well—they deserve the world. plus i needed rest and food as well:)

also in case u havent seen them live, they sound the exact same. their voices are so real and so authentic and passionate—i know i used the word passion earlier but its just such a perfect word to describe them , you can truly tell how much they care for their music and their fans

and however beautiful they look on all the videos ive seen theyre a million times more stunning in person , i mean when i saw hobi my jaw dropped to the floor hes so pretty

i wasnt able to get an army bomb so im really sad about that but i did get a mots7 black zip up hoodie and its so comfy im never taking it off!

i dont have much more to say about the physical experience. it was truly the best night of my life and i hope to see them again someday

im sorry if you werent able to attend any of the ptd on stage la concerts and i really hope that someday you get to see them and make your own incredible memories with the boys but until then lets keep supporting them and each other!

[madisonrooney]

jersey boys weekend was....insane. which like obvs i expected but it was far more insane than i couldve predicted in the best possible way. more under the cut.

i think imma just let out a stream of consciousness that ill keep chronological as best i can

- its always hard to say if ill cry or not cuz sometimes i do sometimes i dont even with really really special things. admittedly, i was even more vulnernable bc when we got in friday night, there was an issue with our tix. they were supposed to be in the pit but the pit had been removed bc of covid. they had called me last june about changing my pit tix for saturday matinee but never addressed friday even tho they knew i had tix for multiple shows. given that was last june, naturally i forgot about it, so i never reached out to them or anything. so they just had to....find other seats for us. i was really confused and not sure if we were gonna get moved or something. admittedly tho, that still counts as “emotions being impacted by jersey boys” so. hey. but i was definitely also vulnerable out of excitement, i was feeling that all day.

anyway. yah. i fucking sobbed when ces soirees la started, even into silhouettes. like not just tears streaming down my face but like vocal, guttural sobbing. which admittedly isnt that appropriate in a theater, thats more of a concert thing, but i couldnt control myself. regardless it was euphoric. you have no idea how many times i have envisioned that moment in my head for the last TWO YEARS. it may have been slightly disrupted and i was a bit distracted, but i was definitely still able to be present in the moment to some extent.

- every. last. second. not only was just so perfectly written, paced, and acted, but felt so connected to who i am and what i love. not to say i didnt already know i felt that way about the show, but it had been so long. nearly twice as long as the longest id gone without seeing the show before (since i fell in love with it that is). not to mention weve all changed a lot over the last 2 years and im sure most can say they hold the things they love to an even higher value now, especially if those were things they couldn’t experience during quarantine.

- there was new dialogue between frankie and mary?? about knowing each other in high school?? not sure when that was added or why but my mom and i looked at each other like ???? that HAS to be really new cuz i listen to the jersey boys podcast and they havent mentioned it, and i feel like they would if they knew about it

- frankie valli is a short king. dont know how ive never said this before.

- gyp had a really good my mothers eyes cry and i grade gyps on that lol

- im starting to realize that i go ape is kind of a bop. is that bad.

- my dad came to saturday matinee. he hadnt seen the show before, id shown him the movie twice but he couldnt get that into it. but i think it finally clicked. i didnt get my hopes too high, i was sure enough he wouldnt hate it but if he just liked it ok that wouldve been enough. but he kept saying it was “awesome.” i heard him laughing at a number of jokes and i know he loved the music. he had to leave right after so i havent gotten much time to hear all of his thoughts but im def gonna call him soon to hear more.

- OKAY so after saturday matinee, we went to the stage door cuz i wanted pics with the tour buses. turned out, they were just all white but THE CAST WAS THERE. i didnt really know what to do since i know some places discourage stage dooring given the pandemic so i was just like as considerate as i could be but they were super chill, and i got pics with a ton of them + autographs??? normally i rehearse what ill say to actors in my head first and i did a bit leading up to this weekend, but i was pretty sure it wasnt even gonna happen, and in this case, i got no advance notice, i just had to jump right into it. they were just...THERE. so its safe to say i was a bit rambly and probably not saying exactly what i intended too but i also beat myself up too much in those situations a lot. they were all SO nice. i was so so so so happy and excited cuz i mean stage dooring is always exciting and more so for this show but the fact that it happened WHEN I WASNT EVEN EXPECTING IT TO. i was coming unglued looking forward to the show alone and then i got THIS on top of it. i wouldve been over the moon meeting just ONE cast member but i met a TON????

worth noting, one of the people i met was katie goffman who was doves cher understudy in clueless the musical!! i had been excited when she was announced for the touring cast back in late 2019 i think? so im so glad she was still in the cast and that i got to meet her.

i also got to meet kevin patrick martin again who id seen on tour and seen and met at 54 below both in 2018. i remembered him being super nice and he was super nice this time around too. more on him later.

also met the actors who played tommy, joey, crewe, and gyp

- my best friend @wander--meets--world came saturday night, also not having seen the show, just the movie. again, if she just liked it ok, that wouldve been more than enough, i couldnt really say for sure if itd be her thing or not. but she really liked it!! and had so many thoughts to share that we got to talk about at intermission and afterwards!!! over the years, ive had so few people to talk about this show with. i usually just rely on my mom who is great but i cant yknow meme with her fdhgjlkjd. jessica’s familiar with p much all my other main fandoms so we can discuss them, but we hadnt been able to discuss this, which is majorly high on the list. so the fact that we can now makes me sososososo happy.

it was also the first time wed seen each other in person in 2 years?? weve never gone anywhere near that long without seeing each other in the 15 years weve known each other?? and what better thing for us to have been doing than this. we also listened to plastic hearts, went to our fav italian place downtown, went to the 24 hour baskin robbins after the show, and watched cr1tikal in her car. ideal saturday night.

- after that saturday night show, we met a few more cast members, most notably jon hacker who was frankie, who id seen in newsies 7 years ago at the same venue, + as joey at new world stages in 2018, at 54 below a few months later, and then as frankie at new world stages the day after that. met him all those times except when he was joey. i had been so excited that he was a part of the touring cast and im so glad i got to meet him, and we talked for a while! he had such thoughtful responses to everything i had to say. and his poor voice was so gone, he left it all on the floor. (luckily he had a day off today which he deserved lol)

that night, i also met the guy who played nick (who today i realized played gerry when i saw beautiful three years ago and i met him then too lol???) and 2 of the girls who were also super sweet. plus i saw some of the same people from the afternoon again.

- then we had our final matinee this afternoon. we had a different frankie which was very exciting. ofc i love jon but i also love getting to see understudies, especially when youre seeing the show that many times in a row lol. katie was also on and she told me later it was her first time on this year, and i also found out it was her and her husband’s (who plays tommy) first time in the show together!

met that frankie at the stage door plus eric (bob) who id really hoped to meet (he was the only season i hadnt met yet, last piece of the puzzle!) and antonio (barry belson). antonio omgomgomg he was so good in the show so i was so excited to meet him and he gave me a hug??? and i told him like specific inflections of his i liked in the show and he was so touched and impressed that i noticed that??

over the course of making stories and posts on insta, multiple cast members have watched my story, responded to my story, liked my post, commented on my post, and now devon and kevin FOLLOW ME???? HELLO????

im truly just over the moon. again, i knew this weekend would be amazing but SO much more came out of it than i was expecting. like i said, seeing the show was more than enough. even if i only saw it once it wouldve been. but getting to be a crazy superfan and see it so many times was so...validating?? and it was fun to pay attention to more minor details. but then on top of that, the experiences with the cast were remarkable.

it was a little adventure. it felt kind of like the clueless trip (tho i think thatll always take the cake, both for the pure chaos of it all and the unique experience). still, it had the same vibe which felt so good, especially having not felt something like that in so long.

i waited three years for this. eagerly anticipating it to no end and having to deal with it being postponed twice. but it gave me everything i couldve wanted and then some.

rounds 13-16 complete.

[organabanana]

leaves of three, let it be [2/3] || harlivy

Chapters: 2/3

Fandom:  DCU (Comics)DCUHarley Quinn (Comics)Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence

Relationships: Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel

Characters: Pamela Isley, Harleen Quinzel, Selina Kyle

Additional Tags: Mentions of alcohol, mentions of batman fucking bats, most of this is straight up idiocy tbh, i just finished watching the cartoon so everyone swears like a sailor i’m sorry, rated for (ahem) happenings later on, ivy/harley/catwoman frenemies

Summary

After Harley mistakenly confesses her love and then promptly takes it back, Ivy spends some time sorting through the things she absolutely doesn't feel (and the ones she does). Selina and Harley don't quite help.

Chapter 1: Tumblr | AO3

Chapter 2: AO3

If you ever asked Poison Ivy if she’s into meditation, she’d say she isn’t.

Actually, if you ever asked Poison Ivy if she’s into meditation, she’d probably stare you down until you crumbled under the sheer weight of her judgment and apologized for ever talking to her, but that’s beside the point.

The point is, Ivy doesn’t meditate. The concept of meditation, if you ask her, goes in the same patchouli-scented box as moon-charged crystals and essential oils.

No. What Ivy does is… introspection. Yeah. She introspects. She consciously clears her mind of all intrusive thoughts. Which may sound a lot like meditation, maybe? But — she cannot stress this enough — it’s not the same thing.

So there she is. Sitting on her couch. Introspecting. And it may look like she’s staring off into the distance, but she’s actually looking at a nearly invisible, tiny little hint of a green sprout that’s managed to grow in a crack on the windowsill.

There it is. A tiny little fighter. Just like—

Nope.

No way.

We are absolutely not thinking about her. We’re introspecting. So Ivy takes in a deep breath, in through her nose, eyes fluttering closed as she exhales slowly and then opens them and tries again.

As she was saying. A tiny little sprout. She could go over there and touch it and quite literally breathe life into it. She can’t tell what kind of plant it is, but she could make it bloom if it’s a flowering species. What if it’s a tree? She could make it grow so big its roots would tear this whole building apart just like her heart was torn apart last ni—

Motherf—

“Morning, my little dill pickle.”

Selina climbs in through the window, practically gliding into Ivy’s apartment with the kind of grace that would normally make Ivy stop and stare and perhaps have a not-quite-respectful thought or two.

Listen: she has eyes. Don’t read into it.

Anyway. As graceful and ridiculously nimble as Selina is, she’s also way up high in Ivy’s shit list at the moment (second only to you know who), so today is not the day for lighthearted conversation and platonic crushes.

“Fuck you, Selina,” Ivy offers as a greeting, glancing at the plant to make sure it’s still there. And it is, of course. Selina fucking Kyle may be a bitch and a half, but she knows how to move without leaving a trace.

“Now?” Selina cocks one perfectly manicured eyebrow at Ivy, the slightest hint of a teasing smirk on her face. “I mean I was gonna offer brunch, but that doesn’t sound like the worst midday plan.”

Ivy simply stares for a moment, as if she’s forgotten if there’s one person in the world that’s absolutely immune to even her most wilting looks, that’s Selina fucking Kyle.

“Oh, come on,” Selina practically groans, “stop it. Brooding is such a teen boy move.”

“I am not brooding.”

“Right.” With one single word, Selina makes it clear that she doesn’t believe Ivy and, most importantly, that she doesn’t care enough to argue. “Anyway. Brunch? My treat.”

Ivy closes her eyes. Not meditating. Just introspecting. Just trying to channel the urge to make a full-grown sequoia grow out of Selina Kyle’s ass into something productive. One deep breath in through her nose and—

“We can have margaritas!” Selina lets out a quiet chuckle as she admires the perfectly matte black polish on her fingernails. “Yikes. Too soon?”

Fuck introspection.

“I. Am going. To fucking murder you.” Ivy stands up with every intention to make good on that promise, and Selina must read it in her eyes because for the first time since Ivy’s known her — for the first time in her life, maybe — Selina looks scared.

Well, maybe not scared.

But she is absolutely concerned.

“Fuck me, Ive, damn,” Selina takes one step back, no longer smirking, “calm down, will you?”

Ivy stops, Selina’s audacity basically jolting her out of her murderous rage. “Calm down, Selina? Fucking seriously? You did what you did and now you come here and tell me to fucking calm down?”

Selina tilts her head just so, like she’s conceding (against her will) that maybe there is a reason for Ivy to be somewhat upset with her.

“Oh, come on,” she sighs, rolling her shoulders like the tension has to leave her body somehow, and it will certainly not be via an apology, “it wasn’t even real poison.”

Ivy’s eyes widen slightly in disbelief. Does Selina think she’s mad because she thinks Harley was in actual danger?

No. No, Selina can’t think that, because Selina may be an asshole, but she’s a very smart asshole. So she must know Ivy’s well aware of Harley’s immunity to toxins. She must know that’s not even remotely the reason Ivy’s spent the last eleven hours and some change introspecting all thoughts of last night out of her mind.

For a split second, Ivy feels something similar to warmth towards Selina as she considers that maybe she’s simply ignoring the embarrassing part of the event to spare Ivy. Maybe she’s pretending this is about Harley’s physical wellbeing and not… well. The other thing.

Sadly, the split second passes.

“If it helps,” Selina says, and even before she finishes the sentence Ivy can already sense it won’t help at all, “it’s totally reciprocated.”

Ivy feels it crawling up her veins, thick like sap. She’s managed to distill plenty of emotions, turned them into tonics and toxins and elixirs and used them for her own benefit and the Green’s. She’s bottled love — well, lust — and hatred and rage. Fear, even. Insanity, ironically enough. But this.

This… this humiliation.

Oh, this is something else.

Ivy closes her eyes. In through her nose, and even the air feels like it has to go through that thick mixture of (public) pain and weakness and acknowledged vulnerability to get to her lungs.

It’s one thing to have Harley see her like this. Like that. Like last night. Defenses down and heart out there in the open like her ribcage’s forgotten its purpose. That’s fine, she figures, because it’s been the norm for years and years and years. It’s nothing new, really, to have Harley see her accidentally stumble over the line into pathetic from time to time. It happens.

But Selina.

Selina fucking Kyle.

Selina saw that and she understood what she was seeing and now she’s acknowledging it, and Ivy isn’t even mad anymore.

I mean, she is. She’s really fucking mad.

She’s just many other things as well as mad, so it’s harder to focus on it.

Out through her mouth. Slowly. And her voice is nice and even when she opens her eyes and looks at Selina once again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ivy lies, walking towards the kitchen like that had been her intention all along, “there is nothing to reciprocate.”

Ivy can feel Selina’s look on the back of her head. She’s not going to give her the satisfaction of turning around, of course. Selina Kyle’s ego is healthy enough as it is. But she can absolutely feel it. A look involving an arched eyebrow and narrowed eyes and possibly a smirk. Maybe the slightest purse of painted lips, if she’s going for judgmental rather than smug.

Selina is multi-faceted in her scorn.

“You have got to be shitting me, Ive,” Selina says, and Ivy still refuses to turn around, focusing instead on staring at the interior of her fridge and ignoring the fact that ninety percent of its contents are there for Harley’s all-day snacking needs.

She ends up grabbing a jug of water not because she’s thirsty, but simply because it’s the only thing in there she knows for a fact is there just for her.

“Seriously?” Selina prods, walking closer and crossing her arms over her chest as she watches Ivy methodically fill a glass of water like it’s a delicate operation that requires her undivided attention. “You’re such a fucking pussy. And I don’t mean that as a compliment.”

Ivy does turn around then, gripping the glass with perhaps a little more force than strictly necessary. In her defense, she’d much rather be gripping Selina’s neck instead.

“Once again, Selina,” she says with a slight shrug, taking a sip of cold water, “no idea what you’re talking about.”

Selina gapes at her. It’s kind of flattering, actually. It’s not every day something leaves Selina Kyle fully unable to speak. Maybe — Ivy thinks to herself, enjoying her water — she’ll never speak again. Maybe she’ll leave Gotham entirely. Wouldn’t that be just—

Ivy’s train of thought is completely derailed by something that is never a good sign: Selina Kyle is laughing.

Not chuckling. Not snickering. Not letting out one of those sarcastic giggles she likes to use to obliterate people’s entire self-esteem.

No. No, this is honest to goodness, full-on belly laughter, and it’s fucking terrifying.

“Wh— what the fuck, Selina?” Ivy asks, trying to sound less scared than she actually is. Selina’s sense of humor is not so much dark as it is downright fucked up, and if she’s finding something in this situation funny, it can only mean someone is about to get crushed, metaphorically or otherwise.

All signs point to Ivy.

“Look at you!” Selina points in the general direction of Ivy, like she’s about to rip her fashion sense to shreds. But this, sadly, has nothing to do with clothes. “Holy shit, you’re in so much deeper than I thought, this is fucking hilarious.”

Ivy takes one step back, until her hip bumps against the counter and she blindly feels around to leave the half-empty glass on it. To her credit, she still manages to try and infuse her voice with something resembling nonchalance one last time.

“You’re not making any sen—“

“Man, you’re in love, in love, huh?”

Ivy’s been shot before. So she feels like she’s not being overly dramatic when she says Selina’s words feel just like that. Like being shot right in the gut. And Ivy tries to be as stoic as she usually is when faced with things like gunshots and blunt force and bat-shaped ninja stars (holy fuck, he’s such a nerd), but she feels a bit like she’s been standing on a castle of cards for the last… however many years it’s been since she met Dr. Quinzel in Arkham, and Selina’s just figured out exactly where to blow to make it all come tumbling down.

“I mean I knew you two were into each other. Obviously,” Selina continues, and Ivy suddenly understands the exact meaning of all those expressions regarding cats and mice, “but I thought it was like… well, you know. Friends in need of a nudge towards the benefits. But this.”

Selina shakes her head, smile as wide as her eyes. She looks both surprised and delighted. Like she’s really just found out there are feelings involved in whatever lust-filled fever dream she’d interpreted as reality before now.

“And you’re the one who’s doing all the yearning. I totally thought she was the useless one. Holy shit.” Selina takes a couple steps in the direction of the window, like using a door like a normal person is simply not an option for her. “How long?”

Ivy opens her mouth, but Selina interrupts her before any sound can come out.

“Don’t answer that. I already know.” Selina waves her hand dismissively. “No wonder you’re fucking terrified. You’d be safer falling in love with an actual hyena.”

“I’m not—“

“Please.” Selina reaches the window and notices that little plant for the first time, giving it a little pat that could almost pass for affectionate if you didn’t know Selina Kyle. “So what’s scarier, Ive?” Selina almost purrs the question. “That she may not love you back, or that she probably does?”

Ivy tells herself she could murder Selina right then and there, with the help from the little plant. Hell, she could probably kill her without help from the plant.

But that wouldn’t really fix anything, right?

“Anyway!” Selina lets out a happy little sigh as she slinks out of the window and onto the fire escape outside. “No brunch, then. I’ll leave you to your brooding.” Her smile turns into a smirk then, eyes narrowed like she’s about to pounce on an unsuspecting mouse. “And don’t worry, Ive. I can keep a secret.”

Selina winks at her before she disappears.

Ivy refuses, pointedly, to think about her conversation with Selina.

She tries to go back to her introspection, but it turns out there’s no breathing in and out when your chest is full of feelings to the point of actual physical discomfort, so Ivy gives up on that, too.

She could plot. Scheme, if you will. It’s been a while since she’s gone for an actual multi-step plan to rid Gotham — and, later, the world — of parasitic CEOs profiting off nature. A bit of environmentally friendly murder never fails to put her in a good mood.

But it turns out it’s nearly impossible to come up with a solo plan without being constantly aware of the fact that going solo is no longer her default. A plan involving only herself doesn’t feel like just any random plan anymore. Now it feels like a plan without her, and that’s just— that’s just the opposite of what she needs to be thinking about right now.

So.

What’s an eco-terrorist to do when eco-terrorism is not an option?

Eight hours later she’s in her lab, hair haphazardly held in a bun with a pencil as she looks at her latest experiment through her microscope.

The little sprout from her windowsill sits right next to the microscope in a beaker serving as a makeshift flower pot while Ivy works.

“You know, if this works,” Ivy tells the sprout, eyes trained on the cell that should enter active mitosis any second now, “you’re going to be my sidekick when we take down the next big guy.”

If this works, and she can give this tiny plant the powers she hopes to give her, they can take over Gotham and the world as a team. Ivy’s always worked best with plants, anyway. Who needs—

“Red?”

Harley’s voice is uncharacteristically mellow, but it manages to startle Ivy anyway.

“Jesus, Harley,” Ivy doesn’t look away from the microscope, “what the fuck are you doing here?”

She’s not mad. Not at Harley, anyway. None of this is her fault. She’s just—

Listen. Figuring out exactly what to call what she’s feeling would require introspection, and we’re not doing that anymore.

“Oh. I uh—“ There’s something in Harley’s tone that twists uncomfortably in Ivy’s chest. “Wanted to talk?”

Ivy doesn’t want to talk. Talking, as it turns out, may be the very last thing she wants to do. But there’s that something in Harley’s voice. Something that sounds a bit like embarrassment. Like shame, even. Like maybe if Ivy were to listen in on Harley’s inner monologue right now the voice in there would sound suspiciously like him calling her a fuck-up and an idiot and—

“I’m sorry.” Ivy leaves the little plant’s cell to enter mitosis in its own time and turns to fully focus on Harley. “I didn’t mean to snap. You just startled me.”

Harley visibly relaxes. Ivy decides she hates him just that much more than she did ten seconds ago.

“Didn’t mean to startle ya,” Harley leaves her bat propped against the trunk of a giant nightshade and takes a few steps towards Ivy.

Normally, Harley has no concept of personal space. She sits on whatever surface is closest to Ivy, invading her space and making it impossible for her to fully focus on anything that’s not Harley. It should be annoying, but it isn’t, for reasons Ivy is absolutely not going to consider at this time.

This time, however, Harley hovers just a step or two away from Ivy and her microscope and her standing desk.

It feels…

It feels wrong.

“What did you want to talk about?” Ivy taps the desk and tries not to smile when Harley beams as she practically bounces to sit on it. Her legs dangle over the edge, well-worn combat boots lightly bumping against Ivy’s legs with each soft swing of Harley’s feet.

Nothing really feels wrong anymore.

“I’m sorry, Pammy.”

Ivy shakes her head. “It’s fine. You know you’re always welcome here, I just wasn’t expecting—“

“No,” Harley says, and when Ivy looks into her eyes she realizes Harley’s not going to let her pretend she has no idea what this is about, “I mean I’m sorry about the other night.”

Ivy stands up a little straighter. Takes half a step back, like that’s going to help. Crosses her arms over her chest.

“It’s fine.”

Harley tilts her head just so, bright blue eyes narrowing for a second, and Ivy sees a flash of Harleen right there staring back at her. Reading her fucking thoughts, almost. It’s unnerving.

“It’s fine, Harley,” Ivy insists, tone sharper as she takes another step back. She can hear the low rumble of every vine in her lab stirring along with her mood.

There’s a moment there, maybe a few seconds long, where they both simply stare at each other in silence. Like they’re trying to figure each other out in a way that feels completely foreign because she knows Harley, and Harley knows her, and there’s nothing to figure out. Nothing at all.

“You know—“ Harley’s voice sounds a bit brittle, like it may just break if it hits the wrong word, “you know I didn’t mean it, Pammy.”

Ivy nods. Once.

“I know.” She knows now and she knew when she first met Harley and she’s known for the last however many years it’s been. She fucking knows it’s love but it’s not love like that. She knows. “It’s fine.”

“You know Selina just got in my head, right?” Harley keeps talking, and on some level Ivy knows there’s nothing to be angry about because Harley just wants to explain. She just wants to make sure things aren’t weird between them because they’re best friends. But it feels almost cruel anyway. “You know I don’t—“

“I know you don’t love me, Harley, yes, for fuck’s sakes, I’m not an idiot.”

“But I—“

“Don’t.” Ivy holds one finger up. If she has to listen to Harley say she loves her, but just not in that way she may lose her fucking mind. “It’s fine.”

For a few blessed seconds, it feels like maybe Harley will let it go. Like maybe she’ll just drop it and let Ivy get out of this with some semblance of pride.

But that would just be too much to ask, wouldn’t it?

“I do love you, Ive, it’s just—“

“Holy shit, Harley!” Ivy raises her voice and hears the tell-tale creak of vines growing up the wall. “I know! I fucking know, all right? Selina is a dick and you thought margarita mix was a love potion and you’re not fucking in love with me, all right? I know!”

“But—“

“No! No fucking but!” Ivy swears she hears it. The little snap when she loses her last thread of control over what she’s saying and things spill out before she has a chance to filter them. “I don’t love you either, have you even considered that?”

Harley’s eyes widen in the purest expression of surprise Ivy’s ever seen in her life.

“Right!” There’s a part of Ivy that wants to stop. She wants to stop and backtrack and tell Harley she didn’t mean it because she can’t stand the thought of hurting her, and she needs her to know that of course — of course — Ivy loves her. But she just can’t right now. “I’m not secretly in love with you! All right? I’m glad you don’t love me. I’m fucking fine.”

Harley opens her mouth like she’s about to speak, but closes it without making a sound. She doesn’t look hurt, necessarily. She looks… she looks disarmed, almost. Like she doesn’t know how to react.

“I’ll just—“ Harley swallows and jumps off the desk. “We’re fine, so I’ll just leave. Yeah?”

Ivy nods. “Fine.”

“Cool. Yeah.” Harley sort of smiles, but not really. She moves a bit slower than usual as she goes back to her bat and walks towards the door, and there’s a part of Ivy that wants to stop her and fix this somehow — because it’s not fine at all — but self-preservation wins in the end.

“Remember to lock the door on your way out.”

For a second, Harley almost looks like she may say something. And for a second, Ivy almost hopes she will. But Harley just nods and walks out, and when she hears the lock snap into place, Ivy knows she’s all alone with her plants.

Right where she belongs.

[masterthespianduchovny]

actually I just realize how they are also touchy with one another, sure that's just well a human thing and whatnot but there are unintentional ones like for example, her hand going to his thigh and his mouth shutting close, or the way in the cutting room where he 'jokingly' tried to pull on her dress and her never flinching about it and rather laughing at him doing so. They always somehow imply that's how colleagues would act towards one another?But sorry I doubt so.

It’s not how colleagues would act towards one another....

NOTE: this response got waaaaaay longer than intended because I added some thoughts ive been having the last few days. Lol.

Gillovny doesn’t exist just based on chemistry, it’s about how David and Gillian behave. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and, whether you are an OG fan or a new fan, many fans who get in to the show either think David and Gillian were involved or should be. 😂 and, honestly, I don’t think it’s just based on Mulder and Scully, you know?

It’s perplexing that literally generations of people think these two were fucking at some point in time despite their persistent denials that they haven’t.

And I believe my “relationship” with Gillovny is similar to some others. Initially, I thought they’d look cute together IRL, but never thought they were together because my opinion was just based on their chemistry on the show. I’m not sure when wiki became the go to source of information, but when I originally read up on Gillian I thought she was still married, so I was like, “oh, so that’s a no between her and David.” Lol. Then I saw that she was divorced and he was married and still married, which made me repeat “that’s a no.” Clearly, they weren’t involved, right? (And, I’m not saying they are or were, I really don’t know.) this was around 04ish.

But their chemistry and dynamic always fascinated me. While I thought it was cute, I just thought it was cute because there was no proof of them ever having a thing. Besides, Gillian got married in the first season and David later got married and was still married.

Then Gillian got pregnant on the set of IWTB and there was a little freak out in the community before she introduced Mark.

It was like...🤔, but okay. (I’m not arguing that David is the father, it was just wild when it was revealed when she got pregnant. Lol)

And, around this time, I’d read about how they “hated” each other during the run of the show.

Then, 2013 happened. I believe this the year they announced they were separated/divorced from their partners on each other’s birthdays, which is like the weirdest thing ever. Why on each other’s birthdays? The timing of that was a mindfuck.

David and Gillian had some good con interactions before that, but we started seeing more intimacy between them post separation announcements. They were kinda different, but in a good way.

Over time, i started to reflect on what I knew, what I was told, what I’ve seen, and how I understood that information. If you’re wondering what this has to do with your ask, here’s my point: out of context, their behavior is noteworthy, but you can hand wave it if you try. In context, it paints a fascinating picture of two people with a complicated history.

Two people who “hate” each other, yet are very touchy and handsy with one another. Two people who make out for fun and crack sexual jokes with one another that includes physical demonstrations. People who’ve been around them the longest, both years and time, describe actual love and care between them.

They have brought out the worst in one another, but they also bring out the best in each other as well. Their comfort levels with one another is insane considering their “canon” history framed by the media and because they didn’t have to get physically intimate with each other on screen. And I mean like fictional couples do when they hug and kiss a lot and shit like that. Not just simulated sex.

David can pull on her shirt and she just comes to him without thinking twice about what he’s doing. He doesn’t react to Gillian spitting her food in his hand because it’s not gross to him (why???). They were touching all over each other during the Kimmel interview like it was the most natural thing in the world.

They are more touchy then actors who’ve had fake sex scenes together and the ones who are/were dating IRL.

So, when I said many fans, gillovnies, experiences match mine, I’m saying: we start out thinking they’d be cute together, and then see interviews and shit and come to the conclusion that there is more going on than they’re letting on. It’s not that we’ve convinced ourselves of it because we want it to be true, but rather, unless their relationship is unconventional as fuck, but platonic, it doesn’t make any sense outside of that.

Things that stick out to me that isn’t speculation:

1. An interview where David and Gillian interview each other and Gillian point blank says he must’ve been serious about tea to marry her so quick, and then asked David why she wasn’t invited to their wedding. Gillian was clearly pissed and it was so left field. If that wasn’t noteworthy as hell, David response is baffling (since they “hated” each other) because he says, “you’re still mad about that, huh?” This exchange is wild as hell because Gillian shouldn’t have given a fuck and she does and David’s an ass about it, but they’ve clearly talked about this and he’s over it. To top it all off, this was during an interview for the movie. Like, what??? The question nor the response was professional.

2. The filming of the unnatural. A fan came to see David direct, some sets were open for fans, and witnessed David humping Gillian as a joke and Gillian is enjoying herself and going along with it. The kicker is, I mean besides the playful humping, is that tea left when she saw Gillian arrive on set and this happened shortly after tea left. And there is evidence that David humps his costars for fun: Mitch and nick in bloopers. However, David and Gillian were supposed to hate each other, yet during the batting scene he’s holding her close and grinding against her for giggles. I AM confusion.

3. ‘97 GG. He was her emotional support during the announcement of her divorce. They held hands all night, the affection during the ceremony, and the suspicious lipstick on David’s face. Shortly after this, David meets and marries tea, which is around the time the dark ages starts between them.

4. How unusual it is for them to constantly compare their romantic relationships with how long they’ve known each other. I literally don’t see any other actors talk about their relationship in the context David and Gillian do.

Point being: as you mentioned, their behavior isn’t how colleagues act (even those who are or were dating) and their dynamic isn’t normal by any means. Whether or not they’ve been involved in any capacity, physically or emotionally, they have some complicated shit they don’t want others privy to, which is their right. However, they’re trying their best to downplay whatever their relationship is all while telling on themselves via their behavior, actions, or unintentional replies to questions.