#what are some of the best books to read?
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Getting sucked into star wars is evil. You just want to watch the movies and end up watching a collective 22 seasons of various shows and then you consider reading the comics or books but have to find out that there are 480+ and 380+ and you reconsider why you ever even began to care.
#I was so happy#but then ANDOR was so good I had to see everything else#what are some of the best books to read?#Anything with obi wan is good#star wars#obi wan kenobi#andor#clone wars#star wars clone wars#the bad batch#star wars prequels#original trilogy#ahsoka#star wars rebels
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buckle up lads we're going BACK INTO THE BOOK
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#lost in the book with nightmare before christmas#hajimari no halloween#(the origin of halloween huh) (oooh)#why yes i did wake up way too early to watch the stream and will have no memory of drawing this later#anyway THE MAGIC BOOK IS BACK TO EAT US ONCE AGAIN!!!!#this does make things make a lot more sense if it doesn't have to. y'know. actually take place in the established world#like how jack and sally are apparently just gonna be THERE as themselves WHY NOT#i'm certainly not complaining mind you#scully looks like he's gonna be super adorable and i love him already#spooky scary skeleman who just goes :O a lot and is excited for halloween#he seems like he might actually be more of a fusion of jack and sally? or maybe i'm just reading too much into it#still getting jazzy vibes off of him though. is not scully j graves an incredible jazz musician name.#does this open up the possibility that the last time we went into the book there was a sexy anime boy stitch just offscreen the whole time#...maybe some things are best left uncontemplated#god everyone in this event looks fantastic i'm so glad i saved up some keys after all#a little sad that there's no lilia but you know what the fact that a halloweentown malleus exists is still pretty dang good#and sebek's hat is SO tall#the biggest hat for the loudest boy#i hope oogie is here too i need him and jamil to meet#i need jamil to be faced with a guy who's just a bunch of bugs standing on each other's shoulders in a trenchcoat#i am not coherent right now i just needed to get this out before i go pass out again
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I think if you're in a relationship that's anything less than ROCK FUCKING SOLID you should consider not messing with too many of your partners interests. You'll think ohh nooo I'm being a good partner engaging in the stuff they loveee we can bond over ittttt No. you don't want all your hobbies and shows and books covered in their stank.
#i have a huge fucking library of stuff that is tainted with BAGGAGE NOW#because we read it together. or watched it together. or they recommended it#or i talked about it with them a lot. bitch. i should have left some of that FOR me#do you want the fucking list because it's a long list and it's a bunch of shit that's unavoidable#and a lot of other stuff that i still really like but AGAIN. TAINTED. COVERED IN TOXINS.#i should have kept my interests separate bro i should be my own person. read your lil books listen to your own music#I'll be over here with my own shit#THAT'S what i should have said but since we've been best friends since we were both 16 i didn't think i had to worry#and i am absolutely getting drunk tonight dude i don't care about my body#sergle.txt#everything is fucked up and it's my fault because I'm the one who wanted to show that I'm putting in the effort#girl FUCK you. fuck my effort. make them osmosis YOUR hobbies and interests. i don't give a shit
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i think i really need to learn how to cold quit things... one habit i have that really bothers me is checking my phone first thing in the morning bc it's "just for 5 minutes" "just to see if anyone sent me anything important" no bitch literally nothing on your phone requires you to check your phone first thing when you open your eyes!!! stop it
#i want to keep it cute and say i drink water or some shit but i check my phone THEN drink water guys it's true#i like to think i'm pretty productive / do well w my time bc i get to studying/errands pretty quickly#but sometimes i think about how those minutes spent on my phone could be spent reading the book i said i didn't have time to read#or doing a quick stretching exercise#or just getting myself together before a long day of studying idk. anything really#i need stricter regulations for myself ik it#i am doing good rn but what is good if u could literally be the best just by being off ur phone more
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I’m going insane rn
Doing one of my never-ending rereads and... even when Neil hated Andrew and fully believed all the worst rumors, he still expected someone to be in Andrew’s corner... and then in book three we see him decide to be that person:
something about the way Neil, a perfect stranger to the concepts of friendship and teamwork, still expected better from Andrew’s team and family... I know that’s the entire core of their relationship but it still knocks a hole in my chest to see it laid out so baldly
#the continuity of these fucking books fucking astounds me sometimes#a throwaway line on page 42 of book one being referenced explicitly on page 170 of book three#say what you want about Nora that is still absolutely insane#edit: because i accidentally posted this to my main blog#this is a 978 page self-published book series about a made up sport and the mafia#It has no business having some of the best fucking continuity I've ever read outside of agatha christie or tolkien okay?
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NOVEMBER 2024
Read:
against brute forcing
What the Left Keeps Getting Wrong
Why Democrats Are Losing the Culture War
How not to freak out about the US election
How not to freak out about the US elections, part two
Toleration is an impressive virtue that’s worth reviving
Learning and Not Learning Abortion
Objects of Despair: Mirrors
What Counts as Seeing
Why Power Brings Out Your True Self
Group think: why art loves a crowd
Real peer review has never been tried
The big idea: is convenience making our lives more difficult?
What Is Masterclass Actually Selling?
Feeling overwhelmed? How art can help in an emergency
the divine discontent*
How to Be Polite
Yes, Social Media Really Is Undermining Democracy
Chemistry: The Human Science
Astronomical Cake
Watched:
what can you ACTUALLY learn from video essays??
The Diplomat (S2)
Sweetpea
Silo (S1)
Listened To:
Charli xcx’s brat and it’s the same but there’s three more songs so it’s not**
Challengers (Original Score)**
Went To:
More meetings than I've ever had in a month. Why everyone has decided they want to do everything everywhere all at once this November, I do not know.
A meditation retreat (aka a 4hr exam that I invigilated).***
#*Absolutely OBSESSED with this.#**Had to reignite my brat-girl-challengers-analysis-dissociation soundtrack to get through the sheer amount of work I had to do.#***If you are a mildly stressed PhD student and get the opportunity to invigilate - do it.#If you're constantly in a state of either working on your research or thinking you *should be* working on your research so you can't relax#exam invigilation is the perfect solution: technically you're doing something that's PhD related so your brain shuts up#about what you should be doing and you get to spend most of the time just sat in total silence thinking about nothing.#Me and the other invigilator had the best time. We came out in this odd zen state I fear I will never experience again.#I'm going to read some books in December. I am. I'm going to find the energy. I cannot believe I haven't had the energy for... months.#personal
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best sf/f/horror I read in 2024
hello esteemed colleagues. here’s stuff I read in 2024 that I liked, in no particular order outside of the ranking tiers. find previous years of this reclist here
top 5
the bright sword by lev grossman: “lev grossman wrote a shockingly melancholy, hopeful, and expansive novel that hurts a little to read, about a young man who dreams of the age of heroes but finds that that age is over” and other unsurprising statements. this one is a take on Arthurian legend that happens after Arthur is dead, and is really interesting to me for how it portrays England as abandoned once by Rome’s great architects and then once more by the magic of Arthur’s court. with the age of legends twice dead, can anyone bring it back for real or can they only try to make it RETVRN?
the traitor baru cormorant + sequels by seth dickinson: there was a version of this post, before I went back and checked my list of what I read this year, where the top 5 was only Seth Dickinson books. these books are about how far you’ll descend into evil (ie how many war crimes you’ll commit as an imperial operative) to save your colonized home. they’re all good but the first one goes CRAZY. the author was a police bias researcher and it shows. portrays lesbian desire really really well. “hard fantasy” isn’t REALLY a thing but it’s this, they’re barely fantasy and more political drama
exordia by seth dickinson also: what if a reality-warping anomaly was hotly pursued by the US military while they were hotly pursued by aliens with planet-killing power? what if you got your whole village killed as a child and now you’re in a romcom with an alien? the Acknowledgements say, nearly word for word, “i wrote this between Barus for fun because those really take it out of me. anyway I’d like to thank the researchers who helped me with astrophysics, nuclear weapon functions, Kurdish feminism and history, and translation into five languages.” read if you like meticulously researched thrillers, Annihilation, and Challengers situations.
everything for everyone by eman adelhadi and m. e. o’brien: told with a framing device whereby the authors mention their own experiences with activism and revolution after the 2020s and compile an oral history of the future anarchist New York Commune, each chapter of this book is an interview with someone about a different aspect of how they contributed to revolution and setting up a new society. my gripe with this book is that I wish it talked more about problems that will still (or newly) exist in utopia, but I still loved it.
we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson: I finished this book and immediately went to that blog that was running the literary incest tournament earlier this year because I was certain that Merricat and Constance had placed and lo and behold they had. those gothic themes are gothic themeing. read if you want jackson’s theme of small-town distrust and paranoia and isolation taken to the extreme
honorable mentions
the raven tower by ann leckie: what I love about ann leckie is her ability to write non-human protagonists without sci-fi jargon and with totally alien concerns and viewpoints that you can nonetheless buy into. this protagonist is a rock living on a hill that is a local god. read if you like folktales, loners, and twist endings.
the sapling cage by margaret killjoy: even though this is middle grade, all you had to say to me was “Margaret From Podcasts does transfem anarchist Song of the Lioness” and I was in. in a medieval fantasy world without a concept of transness, a trans girl swaps places with her friend so her friend can become a knight and she can become a witch and discover who is leaching the life from the forests for their own gain. the witch politics/interpersonal drama is done with the eye of someone who’s lived in communes most of her life and the way it straddles lingering love of knight tales and distrust of armed people with the legal right to kill you is refreshing
do you dream of terra two by temi oh: the most elite graduates of a cutthroat boarding school are selected for a mission to explore a potentially habitable planet in this character-driven meditation on what it takes to believe in something you can’t see and may have to give up your whole life for
monstrilio: a piece of flesh from a woman’s dead son grows into a person of its own, initially shaped like a monster but molded by his parents into a more-or-less normal-looking young man with a taste for human flesh. cringe moment but this is what Jack Supernatural could have been. to me. litfic with themes of monstrousness/normality, grief, and the various meanings of consuming flesh.
long live evil by sarah rees brennan: listen I know how it sounds but I’m putting this book so high up this list because I had a blast. a teenage cancer patient gets isekai’d into a book series that her sister loves but that she only half remembers, and has to use her vague memory of the plot to avoid execution long enough to obtain a magic item that’ll cure her in the real world. it has something to say about how it feels to live in a body that’s healthy after being desperately sick but it’s also just catnip for your inner teen fangirl daydreaming about getting your first kiss from a tortured prince
the terraformers by annalee newitz: in three different stories of people at different times in the planet’s political development, the story of a privately-owned planet terraformed to be habitable is told. this is for you if you like future politics about privatization and the rights of non-human persons a la Murderbot
silver under nightfall by rin chupeco: this book was selected for me by my friend and favorite bookseller @literally-irreverent because i like romance IN things but I don’t usually like when romance is the whole plot. anyway this is about solving a dangerous strain of vampirism while having a vampire/vampire/vampire-hunter romance that is. mwah. chef’s kiss. read if you like politically disastrous polyamory and The Witcher
the adventures of amina al-sirafi by s. a. chakraborty: i read the daevabad trilogy and I liked it but didn’t love it, but I liked this book a lot. mostly I think it’s really fun to have a seagoing adventurer who’s a mom, and it was done with a lot of care for her perspective.
runners up
to shape a dragon’s breath by monquill blackgoose: in an alternate history New England, an indigenous teenager finds a dragon egg and must become the first non-European to attend a school for dragon riders near her island. YA with prose that skews young and easy to read but with a good story. themes of colonialism and resistance.
things have gotten worse since we last spoke by eric larocca: I don’t love larocca’s prose but I felt like this book succeeded because it’s written in internet dialogue + therefore hid larocca’s tendency to get purple prose with it. horror about the quick rabbithole that is getting socialized/groomed mostly online.
the lion will slaughter the lamb & the barrow will send what it may by margaret killjoy: novellas where a group of wandering punk-house dwellers find out what’s raising supernatural horrors and how to stop them from killing again
running close to the wind by alex rowland: this felt like an attempt to bottle the Our Flag-type chaos and comedy pirate romance vibes without feeling like straight-up fanfiction. a pathetic meow meow of an ex-intelligence agent tries to sell state secrets without getting caught aboard his ex’s ship, while the two of them bet on who can break a hot monk’s vow of chastity first
the gone world by tom sweterlitch: this felt like christopher nolan writing a detective novel, as government agents travel to parallel realities to solve a murder
autonomous by annalee newitz: in a future society, this follows a scientist on the run from the governments and pharma companies that are out to get her for her work to make patented medications available on the black market, as she tries to fix a mistake she made in making an addictive treatment available to the public. this book is broadly about intellectual property and about the concept of property at all
the deep sky by yume kitasei: weirdly this book is a very different take on the same concept as another book on this list, do you dream of terra-two, where graduates of an elite school are sent on a generation ship to start a new colony. the twist is that all the characters are expected to bear two children to carry on the generation ship, which leads to some wild mostly-unexplored gender dynamics. this one is much more sci-fi/mystery to Terra-Two’s character-driven drama.
the atlas six by olivie blake: well-written dark-academia thriller that is obvious booktok fodder. with the vibes of the mortal instruments (everyone is so hot and powerful and tortured!) meets the secret history, a group of young magicians is recruited to learn the secrets of the library of alexandria
Ursula, kill this clown: dishonorable mentions
I don’t have enough dishonorable mentions for their own post this year but HOLY FUCK. THE FIVE BOOKS OF ROBERT MOSES. this book is FOURTEEN hundred pages of absolute dogshit that I should have DNFed but I liked the concept so much that I wanted to find something to like in the execution. Nope! the pitch is “a dirty bomb turns NYC into a wasteland and the city is picked up and moved wholesale, with the maps of the five boroughs remaining more or less the same, into a Nevada desert refugee camp guarded by the army, and a major character is Robert Moses’ disaffected younger brother.” on a petty level, this is the New Yorkiest pitch possible for someone who absolutely doesn’t give a shit about developing the new desert New York with any interest or fidelity. on an unpetty level, this is a slop “political” “thriller” that doesn’t develop a strong political perspective and moves at a sloth pace. skip.
#yearly book roundup#reading tag#my posts#I feel like I qualified a lot of my recs here but like I just like to be a hater and I feel like it’s best to warn somebody about what migh#turn them off of a book if it’s something they personally dislike#some of this is literary and some of it is exceptionally well-executed schlock! you know. as always here on deanmarywinchester dot com#and there’s a whole gamut in between
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I love running into more random old stuff related to Simon’s Quest— anyway the World’s of Power novel is fucking hilarious and has some insane lines so I’m just dumping a fuck ton of them I screenshotted. Putting under a cut cause it’s long, but oh my god this thing is something else hahahahdjdjshs 💀💀💀💀💀💀










I don’t even know what to say about this! Absolutely fucking hilarious! Terrible! One of the novels ever! Painful to read! I’m enjoying it!
Here’s the link to it :3
#castlevania#castlevania games#akumajou dracula#akumajo dracula#simon belmont#simon’s quest#castlevania simon’s quest#castlevania ii: simon's quest#worlds of power#this has simultaneously some of the worst and best lines ever written and sometimes they’re right next to each other#for some reason they thought Castlevania was like not the name of the castle and just the location the game takes place in#there’s so many random horrible errors too like#one scene has a Native American arrow for no fucking reason???? that would not be there in Romania in the 1600s 💀💀💀#they also name one of the oak stake sellers and have her rummage through her wears and there’s like#a curling iron and a bike pump mentioned 💀#time doesn’t exist in this 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#the two main characters randomly roast each other out of nowhere like#Simon just all of a sudden tells this kid about torture and shit 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#this is nowhere even near all of it whatsoever I encourage anyone to read this cause it’s so bad it’s peak LMAOOOOOO#who the hell knows what’s going on with Freddie and all good monsters’ names end in I E I’m just absolutely baffled about that#and picturing him as Freddy fazbear#it’s basically like a shitpost but if it was an entire book—#incoherent rambling#image post#text post
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"I don't know everything, I just know what I know."
So Monogatari is back and nobody told me??????
Haven't watched the new season yet but cuz i'm in a Monogatari mood I drew Hanekawa
#tsubasa hanekawa#monogatari#its really trippy to hear/ see a new monogatari opening btw#for like idk 4-5 years to me it's just been “ahh yes these are the 20 somethin monogatari songs”#hanekawa has the best openings btw#perfect slumbers is soooo good i used to play that shit on loop so much in high school im suprized im not tired of it#one of my fav anime openings ever#mousou express is the best monogatari op overall tho#speaking of high school fun fact i drew monogatari fanart for a class assignment in high school i think thats hilarious in hindsight#yknow what i was so iconic for that (iirc we had to like draw something from a book we were reading of our choice or smth)#(and i was reading the novel for Koyomimonogatari so i drew the scene where Gaen does a spoiler)#(idk how i had the balls to bring the monogatari novels to school either)#(thats probably the only other monogatari fanart ive done besides this to my recollection minus some etsy merch stuff)
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The most recent episode of Interview with a Vampire let's us see Lestat's side of the story and see how it compares to Louis' accounting of their relationship. As a result, it reaffirms just how unreliable of a narrator Louis is, but it also further illuminates elements of his character that the director and writers have been playing with since the beginning of the show.
There's this part in the episode where Lestat turns to Louis and apologizes and it's framed with Lestat turned to Louis on one side and Claudia on his other side. They're the angel and devil on Louis' shoulders, but who is the angel and who is the devil? And as my friend said, Armand and Daniel are placed into that same dynamic with Louis later on. We are being asked to decide who to trust, who's telling the truth, who's the good guy, but the fact of unreliability robs us of that decision.
This whole story is about Louis, he's the protagonist, though not the narrator, and he is constantly being pulled in two directions, no matter when or where he is in his story. He's a mind split in two, divided by nature and circumstance. He's vampire and human, owner and owned, father and child, angel and devil. He's both telling the story and being told the story. His history is a story he tells himself, and as we've seen, sometimes that story is not whole.
Louis is the angel who saved Claudia from the fire but he's also the devil who sentenced her to an life of endless torment, the adult trapped in the body of a child. He's the angel who rescued Lestat from his grief and also the devil who abandoned him, who couldn't love him, could only kill and leave him.
He's pulled in two directions, internally and externally at all times and so it's no wonder that he feels the need to confess, first to the priest, then Daniel, and then Daniel again.
He's desperate to be heard, a Black man with power in Jim Crow America who's controlled by his position as someone with a seat at the table but one who will never be considered equal. He doesn't belong to the Black community or the white community, he can't. He acts as a go-between, a bridge, one who is pushed and pulled until he can't take it anymore. He's a fledgling child to an undead father, he's a young queer man discovering his sexual identity with an infinitely experienced partner. He's confessing because he wants to be absolved, that human part of him that was raised Catholic, that child who believed, he wants to be saved. He wants to be seen.
Louis wants to attain a forever life that is morally pure, but he can't. He's been soiled by sin, by "the devil," as he calls Lestat, and he can never be clean again. Deep down, I think he knows this, but he can't stop trying to repent. He tries to self-flagellate by staying with Lestat and then tries to repent by killing him, but can't actually follow through. He follows Claudia to Europe to try and assuage his guilt. He sets himself on fire, attempts to burn himself at the stake, to purify his body, rid himself of the dark gift.
Louis is a man endlessly trying to account for the pain he has caused and he ultimately fails, over and over again, because he can't get rid of what he is. A monster. He's an endlessly hungry monster. He's hungry for love, for respect, for power, for forgiveness, for death. He's a hole that can never be filled. He can never truly acquire any of those things because he will always be punishing himself for wanting and needing them in the first place. He will never truly believe he deserves them and as a result, can't accept them if they are ever offered. He can never be absolved for he has damned himself by accepting the dark gift and thus has tainted himself past the point of saving.
#iwtv amc#iwtv#interview with the vampire#interview with the vampire amc#louis de pointe du lac#louis iwtv#iwtv spoilers#iwtv season 2#iwtv s2 e7#iwtv meta#interview with the vampire meta#confession as a motif throughout the series#the way catholic imagery is inherent in vampire media#the way this series plays with unreliable narration so you never know who to believe#louis is such a phenomenally well crafted and dimensional character#and i think the show specifically creates a much more nuanced version of his character than he seems to be in the books#at least from what i've heard#i haven't read the books but i have read/been told about the changes they made to his character from book to movie#and i don't think he's as sympathetic or compelling if he's white#i think the way they updated the story with louis and claudia both being black really adds to their characters#it adds so much dimension to the way they interact with the world and also with lestat#lestat as a wealthy paternalistic white european man#in opposition to two black people in america#the multi-dimensionality of that dynamic and how race class and gender play a role in that#i could write an essay about this#i can absolutely find some sociological theory to use as a lens to discuss this#it's fascinating how well the writers and directorial team are doing with this adaptation#most book to movie/tv adaptations are mid at best#and this one pays homage to the original while also improving and updating the content significantly#i think it's also so important how the show is filmed with beauty and horror both taking precedence
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the training montage in crossroads re-ignited a headcanon i had of geralt waking up and doing gymnastics, performing kickflips and mid-air spins around on a fencepost outside an hour before sunrise to ‘limber up,’ and bleary-eyed dandelion wrapping himself up in a blanket to be like "heyyy... what the hell are you doing 💖"
#if you're wondering what kind of moves he's doing he's standing on a fencepost and doing your typical flexibility stretches#but alternating between reps of stretches with kickflips from one post to the other#like ciri training in kaer morhen#i'm not going to lie witchers are cool but fandom ruined them a bit for me and now crossroads has given me that childlike wonder back#because fandom heard 'physical ability and stamina' and did you know what with it#but the agility and precision of witchers remain so underrated. as part of the deconstruction of the superhuman trope#geralt doesnt really show off as much in the books and does cool stuff only when needed but#like when (mentioned) he hit the rat in the darkness with his thrown fork... as a party trick#and killing renfri's men in the market at blaviken... and killing the scoia'tael on thanedd#and RUNNING ALONG THE BRIDGE on the battle of the bridge#and the nilfgaardians were amazed and they WERE AMAZED AS THEY DIED!!!!!!!!#and killing rience's mercenaries who didn't know who they were fighting so they were like hey what the fuck... what the fuck#i'm literally back to witcher 101 basics here. nothing interesting to contribute but like a little boy i am just smiling and saying#'dude geralt of rivia is soooo cool he can like fight a bunch of guys with his sword'#half of me wants to seek deeper themes and half of me is just like YOOO GERALT SO COOL !!#listen... there is a time to plant a time to reap#a time to analyze and a time to geek#i should probably just watch a bunch of ballet or best of gymnastics comps and i'll find what i'm looking for#also sorry CROSSROADS OF RAVENS SPOILERS artamon dying was a hilarious moment i know it was like oooh this will have consequences#but it was nice to have the evil antagonist get merked in the sme chapter as he's fucking introduced#and not even by mature experienced geralt but by some literal eighteen year-old who he tried pulling a fast one on#1) i was happy that sapkowski didn't drag it out terribly. this was humorous and refreshing after in season of storms#2) geralt almost riding off but having a feeling to go back... listen i know it's so cliche and it's giving lady of the lake chapter 4#where he eavesdrops in the caves under castle zubarran and just happens to hear stefan skellen reveal that vilgefortz was in castle stygga#but it also was satisfying to me because after reading the hussite trilogy#where reynevan (stupid and young man; like geralt here) DOES NOT LEARN after several. SEVERAL lessons#i was honestly worried for a second that we were going to get a reynevan moment. but no. because this is geralt and not reynevan#and seeing geralt develop critical thinking skills in real time was not only satisfying but a bit funny#and yes nostalgiabaiting me#like omggggg yesss his detective skills yesss that's so geralt of him
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I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea) I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea) I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea) I wanna- (my adhd interrupts me with a new idea)
#I wanna watch a show#I wanna watch a completely different show#I wanna watch that one show that's been on my list for like 7 years#I wanna watch like 6 different movies#I wanna write!#I wanna map out plot for my homebrew universe#I wanna design a new dnd class#I wanna go to fuckin sleep#I wanna order some food#I wanna read a book#I wanna watch YET ANOTHER entirely different tv show#I wanna think of a christmas present for my best friend#and I want to do all of these things in the next 5 minutes#me @ my executive function system: SO TELL ME WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT#anyway it's 10:30 in the morning I'm going to bed
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gender rant in tags
#there is a part of me that desperately wants to identify as a man but i just can't#because i hate being associated what that means for people#like yes obviously being big and masculine and putting on muscle and weight is affirming to a lot of people#and that's fine#but i really do not know how to explain how much i do not resonate with that#and how much i equally don't resonate with femininity#i have spent years debating whether i want to medically transition#i know about all the literal physical stuff i just don't know if i want to bite the bullet and do it#and i go on tumblr hoping to find some kind of inspiration some kind of motivation literally anything to encourage me to do it#but literally every post about being transmasc is about being strong and hairy and typically masculine#which. again. is fine. but i literally never feel like my gender is one that even exists#so then i convince myself that it's best not to even try#when i still don't even know if i've decided that's true or not#i dont know#i don't even know where i'm going with this i just feel like i will never ever be seen in my life#and even if i make the jump to medically transition it will mean i may lose a lot of people close to me#so it's not ebven like it's just a gender question it's like well. do you want to feel Vaguely Dissatisfied but not in agony and keep the#things and the people that are closest to you#or do you want to try this thing that you may not even like and risk losing everything#i just wish i fucking knew#i would know if i thought i could be the person i wanted to be on T#but honestly i'm not convinced that i will ever be that person#i see trans people being happy and it just makes me fucking sad#and i fucking hate that#if you’ve read this far I’ll admit to you this was because I started crying looking at the tumblr forcemasc tag. because I’m normal#anyway. goes back to reading my stupid naval uniform book#mine#delete later
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Hey remember when Baghera adopted Dapper like 8 months ago or did I make that up ? ────────────────────────────────────────── Support all the admins that spoke out (& do your daily click) ──────────────────────────────────────────
#idk why on earth i gave baghera knuckles- when i say i turn my brain off when I draw i mean it#..... sooo looks like ive got a new wa-cats type of fandom on my hands#as in i am still very emotionally attached to the memories i have from this no matter what i do itll keep coming back#but i havent read the books in several years nor do i plan to anymore and looking back i am so angry and disgusted#but also im still blown away by the creativity and the passion the fandom builds on its own#i wanted to go ahead and finish any art that ive been working on for the past almost year and decided this one would be the most fitting#i learnt last week that only the first 20 tags on an original post will show up in tumblr searches#and I think im going to take advantage of that#because i dont want to hype the server anymore and i have decided i will no longer be adding my watermark on top of my work#and i was going to refrain from tagging it because i dont want my related posts to show up#before remembering that some of my mutuals who ive been chatting to for years now#have these fandoms blacklisted#so im going to test it and hope it works#im still going to tag the characters i love though because i wanna show support to the actors and i wish them nothing but the best#baghera fanart#pomme fanart#dapper fanart#dappleduo#my art#qsmp#mcyt#fandom neg#tag this however you want#yap yap yap yap tlddr
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i survived the gatsby slime tutorial and all i got was a breathtaking show with beautiful costumes and sets and lighting and amazing performances and a banger score. and this second hand suit.
#the great gatsby#the great gatsby musical#ik we all love eva and jeremy but noah deserves so much more hype#he’s literally the protagonist and has some of the best moments in the show. show him some love#ill probably never get to see it live but it seems so fun to be in the audience for#i need to now: 1) read the novel 2) listen to the cast recording in full#3) read the book of bill bc the great gatsby is important???? somehow?????????#4) make memes 5) work out designs for fanart 6) make a new money animatic#tbh my only complaints are probably that from what i’ve heard it doesn’t really convey the themes of the novel#also nick and jordan are gay lesbian besties and you can pry this out of my cold dead hands 😤#alr sorry im sure ill post more about it all later sorry for cluttering tags lmao
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Modern au
Dorian does have a lot of ideas when it comes to the things he and Manon can do on any day to relax and have fun (he does it mostly for her, because she needs to experience this and also to relax)
Friday nights are usually their quiet nights in. Dorian has taken to the habit of ordering food and they’d sit and watch a movie or two together. They always take turns picking movies (that was another thing because growing up Manon wasn’t allowed this kind of fun so the only movies she watched were those she could sneak around and watch without her grandmother finding out. So essentially with Dorian she’s learning what genres appeal to her and which ones don’t). Dorian is a little appalled because ‘why do you say you like this it’s literally stressing you out???’ Like I’m sorry but Manon is totally this horror film junkie that gets super creeped out but continues to watch them for some reason. Dorian honestly doesn’t know how to respond because she’s so invested but lowkey also so scared????? He just lets it go because she’s having fun (?) and he won’t get in the way of that.
As for the food Dorian usually handles that because if he asks the responses he gets are:
‘Anything is fine,’
‘I’m not really hungry’
‘…’
So really, he doesn’t bother asking anymore.
It’s giving her too many options and most of these are just giving her a chance to come up with an excuse not to eat.
So what he does is that he just narrows down the options.
He’d pick a restaurant and pull up the menu on his phone. He’d hand it to her to pick or just do that and ask her if it’s alright (he knows her taste so most of the things he picks are to her liking).
It’s what he does when it’s their nights off to relax and do nothing productive (usually on Friday nights) but it also extends to other occasions as well. They’d be somewhere and Dorian would order coffee and very possibly a snack so he just shoves his phone into Manon’s hand to pick. Like, he’s not asking if she wants something he’s just like ‘time for a break�� which includes BOTH of them.
#booklr#books and reading#throne of glass#manon blackbeak#tog#dorian havilliard#manon x dorian#manorian#he just loves taking care of her#it was rough at first but with time she accepted it and honestly she wasn’t really fighting it as much#in a way it takes a lot off of her hands like she doesn’t have to think about anything or the like#Dorian is there taking care of most of it and she doesn’t have to worry about anything#Dorian loves how he’s slowly taking some pressure off of Manon like it’s not much but anything that can help he’s ready to try#he does his best but also it’s not just him being cute he’s dead serious about taking care of Manon#he will make sure that she eats properly even when she thinks she isn’t in the mood because he KNOWS the food he’s about to get them is the#only proper food she’s eating for the day#so he’s really not asking her IF she wants to eat he’s like we’re eating so u tell me what u like and if she doesn’t he just picks#because he knows her taste and can easily do that#they just get food and relax while watching movies#honestly those nights are for him to spoil her and take care of her#Manon loves it but she doesn’t know how to express it but Dorian can tell#she didn’t resist or fight him she actually just melts into him and let him take the lead and she just… let’s go of everything with him#because with Dorian it’s okay. everything is okay. she is okay
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