#we’re connected enough

[re-pave]

I figured it out.

12:20am: I spent the past 2 hours walking across the upper west side of Manhattan.

Love. Connection. Nothing else matters. Literally nothing. It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to connect. How do I connect more? How do I love more? Looser inhibitions. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks, I haven’t actually lived life. Look at all these people at 12am trying to connect. Unsuspecting people who are robots at work (inhibited). I’ve been so afraid…my entire life. The entirety of my life. It’s so deeply engrained. I don’t know exactly why (tbd). How do I connect to my spirit? My soul? I haven’t felt anything in so long, and this is the first night it’s happened. I’m so afraid to touch people (esp men). Emotionally, physically. Have I ever felt comfortable touching someone? And not felt insecure? Truly comfortable. Truly. Initiating. How many people have I slept with? So much emptiness. Point taken. This is the start of a new life. No more being afraid. What makes me afraid? Inhibition. Being too much, not meaning what I say and regretting it. Fuck that. Connection over everything else. Even if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s not going to feel natural at first. How do I lower inhibitions? I know how. Look at all these people. What’re they doing at 12:20am? Connecting. How? Lower inhibitions. There’s a reason alcohol plays the role it does in society and is as common as it is (for better or worse. Accept why its used). And there’s a reason I’ve been hiding from it - fear. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. It’s worth it.

Think about how many people I’ve met this past year. How many people I’ve “talked to”. Too many to remember. I’ve never been more alone. Zero connection. To my soul. To another soul. I haven’t felt anything in so long. Im clearly doing something wrong. So fuck it, full tilt the other way - what’s there to lose? Nothing. I need to overcome the fear of being weird. Anything could be interpreted as weird to someone who is inhibited. There’s no connection without “weirdness”. This is a fear that’s been baked into my psyche forever - it’s hard to overcome without help. Help with being uninhibited. What I’ve been doing hasn’t worked. Playing it safe doesn’t work. Too many inhibitions. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them and don’t want to say something that might be exaggerated? Fuck it. Say it. Even if is exaggerated and doesn’t feel authentic. Say what you’re embarrassed to say. Force the connection at first if you have to. Exercise the muscle. Everyone wants to connect. Let them. Some people might not be ready. Or even be into you. But they want to connect. They want to connect even if it doesn’t mean a relationship. Not every connection has to permanent or life-long. Find confidence in knowing people want to connect. Don’t get deterred from trying - please always try. Stay. When was the last time I didn’t want a night to end? Spending time with someone without inhibition is easier, easier to want to spend time with someone (for everyone). Let that be a gauge: try to create that environment by being uninhibited. Make them tell you to leave.

Everything about the other person becomes more interesting when you’re uninhibited. Boring stuff too. Aim for: “I want to know everything about you”. Nothing is off the table. Remember I can’t do anything wrong. I can’t say anything wrong. In the context of wanting to connect. Bare my soul. Invite them to bare theirs. Don’t overthink, focus on being uninhibited.

I need to feel more connected. Romantically but just as importantly with friends. And family.

I need to do things even if I “regret” what I do. Touch people. Physically. Emotionally. “What if they thought it was too much? Didn’t want it?” Fuck it. No more being embarrassed. So I never see them again. Trying matters. No more meeting and not trying to connect. Leave the interaction knowing that if I did nothing else than trying to connect then I succeeded. There could be a million reasons why something doesn’t work out romantically, I’m now going to try my hardest to not allow being inhibited be one of those reasons. There have been too many missed connections.

Too many people feeling empty. Lower inhibitions. Practice. Pretend youre uninhibited if you need to put your mind there. Remember “this is a what it was like to be uninhibited. To be out of my head” and pretend. Something is clearly wrong. It’s been a year. Hundred of matches. Why don’t I find anyone attractive? No connection. Connection above all else. Being unafraid. I can be shy and want to connect. I can be confident and want to connect. But I have to try to connect. Romantically, platonically, with my environment, with myself. Whatever means. Time to unlock a new dimension. Enough is enough. Too much time wasted.

What matters? Who are you? Growing up. When you were kid. “Who are you?” And meaning it (been a struggle), being curious. Saying something that might be embarrassing. Fuck it. “Here I am”. “What’s your tattoo say” “I’m embarrassed” fuck it. “This is what I struggled with”. It’s not cliche. These thoughts are part of who I am. Bare it. Looser inhibitions. Let’s connect to God. Together. People have souls. Everyone. Yes, really everyone. I’m not better than anyone else. Me not feeling connected is my fault too. Looser inhibitions unlocks this.

Flashbacks to Colin). He might be the last person I felt deeply about? He felt it too. Why? I know why. Looser inhibitions. Full circle back to tonight. Flashbacks to the guy from Princeton, drunk on the subway, “I’ve never felt so alive”. Flashbacks to wandering around midtown (2016? 21 years old?) two gay men come up to me, stumbling, “can you take our picture?” Lost inhibitions (do we seem weird? Who cares). Connected. I don’t think they were from nyc and it reminds me of how unique feeling uninhibited with someone is. How strongly that connects two people. I don’t remember seeing two people happier.

It’s been so long since I’ve been excited about life. I feel exciting about my life now. Excited about becoming myself again. Who I really am. I can’t wait to love more. More unabashedly. I want so much more out of life because I recognize how lucky I am to experience it. I want to go so much deeper. I feel my spirit awakening and I don’t want it to stop.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

[s0fter-sin]

mermay idea

mers keep their faces covered as a way to indicate social status and familiarity. warriors have intricate masks, handcrafted when they win their first battle and the more detailed a mask is, the more accomplished the wearer is. they're rarely shed and are only taken off for their closest kin and mates

warrior bull shark mer!soap seeing human!ghost, seeing his skull mask and immediately knowing he's a high ranking warrior; one to be feared going off the numerous scars covering his body

an ideal and worthy mate, so long as he can prove his prowess

so he follows him as he's deployed on a mission near the ocean and is smitten when he sees how ruthless and capable he is; bathing himself in his enemies blood. he keeps his distance, not wanting to tempt fate but ghost spies the tip of his fin cutting through the water

and he's nothing if not an opportunist; kicking the bodies off the pier to the waiting jaws below

but soap? all he sees is the first step in a courting ritual

and he has to come up with something truly brilliant to match such a glorious offering

on ghost's part, it's been difficult getting people to understand the depths of his dependence on his mask. price thinks it's something to overcome, gaz and other soldiers just think it's an accessory to help with intimidation

the few partners he's tried to have thought he was someone to "fix"; nothing more than an object, a notch on their belt to prove how "good" of a partner they were to put in so much work to make him better. it always leaves him feeling violated, more so than if they'd just taken his mask off outright. one night stands were hardly worth it either; scratching a physical itch but falling so short of the intimacy and connection he craves that he feels worse off than he'd started

when he finally meets the mer that's been hunting him across the country, sees the bright red mask so artfully hewn and attached to his face?

it's like looking at a reflection of himself

he might have finally found the understanding he's been searching for

[diamondsunbursts-and-marblehalls]

I know we’ve all talked about the callbacks to the tragic greek myth of orpheus and eurydice in relation to charles and edwin but just think of the callbacks to the more ancient and tragic myth of dean and castiel

[planet4546b]

need to find a way to very calmly but firmly tell my students it is not that serious

[completeoveranalysis]

[10]

OH OUCH

CLAMP COMING BACK SWINGING WITH THE PARALLEL TO THE MANGA’S OPENING SCENE 

BRUTAL. 

To have Sakura and Lava Lamp promise to hold hands when at THAT moment they ALSO couldn't close that distance? When it mattered most?

Was it these two all along, back then? Was the manga's opening a glimpse of what happens on between THESE two characters, in ten years time? Or is that still yet another scenario we haven’t seen yet?

Either way THIS almost-touch between them is accompanied with the PROMISE that they’ll close the distance between them on her birthday. Establishing the pattern of Sakura and Syaoran ALMOST touching but then not being able to - for it to become the outline of their lives afterwards, and the lives of their clones, and onwards until the present day. 

So Lava Lamp made two promises here (to protect Sakura, and to hold her hand) and we're SO close to him maybe being able to fulfill them after all this time! 

[titsthedamnseason]

why does “God” talk to zane. im scared

[theweirderofthetwo]

Today i talked with my brother for the first time in about 2 weeks. One of the first things he said was ”Have you heard they identified a guy from the franklin expedition?”

The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and went something like this:

6 % Hi, how are you?

28 % Franklin expedition

12 % So we’ll both travel to visit family this weekend.

54 % Hornblower in various media formats

[ssruis]

Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.

[deargravity]

paralive has been kind of pissing me off recently but let me not linger on that lmfao i will muscle through this for visty lore

[somegurl8]

Having too many thoughts right now about Vyncent having canon trust issues stemming from what happened with his father and then I remembered the whole bit where Vyncent kind of made that deal with Mal in order to try and get home and realized that low key he pulled the same thing his dad did which was betray his friends by making a deal with their supernatural/undead enemy in return for gaining something that’s understandable but still messed up to betray your friends over

[rivenantiqnerd]

help i have trouble falling asleep

but i want it to be tomorrow and i want to be at school

and the only way to do that is to go to sleep and sleep the time away

do you see the problem here

[s0fter-sin]

i’ve been watching yannis marshall choreography for like 15 minutes and i’m back thinking about my dancer au

gaz suggests a pole dancing segment for the music video for price and ghost shuts it down hard, saying he doesn’t do pole. gaz calls him selfish, that he’s just saying no to spite him but ghost holds firm; not even listening to soap as he tries to reason with him and reach a compromise

soap gets to practice early like he always does, just to see ghost blasting another life by motionless in white and doing a flawless pole routine. he’s as mesmerised by him as he always is, such beautiful movements contrasted by the seemingly harsh music, and waits for him to break before teasing, “i thought you said you couldn’t do pole dancin’.”

ghost just wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. he knew he was there

he always knows when soap’s there

“i said i didn’t do pole; not that i couldn’t.”

“what’s stoppin’ you?” soap asks, genuine and innocently curious and it’s the only reason ghost doesn’t completely shut him down

“what ‘bout you?” he asks instead. “ever done pole?”

he shrugs and sets his bag down. “enough to get in a twirl or two. ‘sides, gaz’s better suited to that kinda delicate work.”

“now, that i know is bullshit,” ghost scoffs and soap tenses, expecting him to go off on another rant about his best mate (just like he waits through gaz going off on ghost) but- “i’ve seen your competition tapes; you’re plenty strong enough to work a pole.”

soap stares at him. “how have you-?”

“price,” he answers simply, throwing the towel on top of his gear and all but stalks towards him. “i like knowin’ who i’m working with; he sent me your breakdancin’ comps. if you can hold a three-fingered hollowback handstand, you can bend on a pole.”

soap sputters as ghost grips his tank top and yanks him over to the pole, setting his hands in place on the body-warmed metal; bracketing his body with his own. he guides his body through the motions; teaches him how to fall and catch himself in a spin, how to gracefully climb and hold his body in midair

soap laughs as he throws himself into a spin just to bend his legs over his head, twisting his body to latch onto the pole with knee and lean perfectly horizontal with his other leg splayed out; his arm thrown above his head

he tips his head back to catch ghost’s grin and almost drops himself as he jumps up to join him; artfully climbing above him and holding his whole weight on his hip as he flips down to look at him

soap’s breath catches at the scant distance between their faces; so close he can count the near invisible freckles on ghosts skin, his fair lashes and the deep flecks of gold in his dark eyes

ghost is just as entranced; his grin slowly fading as he looks into the light sparkling in soap’s eyes. he tips his head towards the mirrors lining the studio and they slowly turn to look at themselves; fitting perfectly together

“see?” he whispers. “we don’t look all that outta place, do we?”

“no,” soap whispers back. “we don’t.”

[technicallyaminecraftsimp]

The only thing worse than having to write about a book you don’t understand is not being able to rightfully describe what you understand about the book

[sawruhh]

Boy do I have updates

[kingofthering]

looking at my gdoc of bezz tattoo artist au makes me wonder if I have forgotten how to properly write fics

[waywardvagabonds]

I really wish I knew how to talk myself down from feelings of being restless and impatient and afraid that I am not doing enough and taking too long to do something but that is just…so ridiculously hard for me, apparently. Like I must be going and doing and making decisions and taking action or else The Dread starts to sink in.