#we’re connected enough
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re-pave · 2 months ago
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I figured it out.
12:20am: I spent the past 2 hours walking across the upper west side of Manhattan.
Love. Connection. Nothing else matters. Literally nothing. It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to connect. How do I connect more? How do I love more? Looser inhibitions. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks, I haven’t actually lived life. Look at all these people at 12am trying to connect. Unsuspecting people who are robots at work (inhibited). I’ve been so afraid…my entire life. The entirety of my life. It’s so deeply engrained. I don’t know exactly why (tbd). How do I connect to my spirit? My soul? I haven’t felt anything in so long, and this is the first night it’s happened. I’m so afraid to touch people (esp men). Emotionally, physically. Have I ever felt comfortable touching someone? And not felt insecure? Truly comfortable. Truly. Initiating. How many people have I slept with? So much emptiness. Point taken. This is the start of a new life. No more being afraid. What makes me afraid? Inhibition. Being too much, not meaning what I say and regretting it. Fuck that. Connection over everything else. Even if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s not going to feel natural at first. How do I lower inhibitions? I know how. Look at all these people. What’re they doing at 12:20am? Connecting. How? Lower inhibitions. There’s a reason alcohol plays the role it does in society and is as common as it is (for better or worse. Accept why its used). And there’s a reason I’ve been hiding from it - fear. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. It’s worth it.
Think about how many people I’ve met this past year. How many people I’ve “talked to”. Too many to remember. I’ve never been more alone. Zero connection. To my soul. To another soul. I haven’t felt anything in so long. Im clearly doing something wrong. So fuck it, full tilt the other way - what’s there to lose? Nothing. I need to overcome the fear of being weird. Anything could be interpreted as weird to someone who is inhibited. There’s no connection without “weirdness”. This is a fear that’s been baked into my psyche forever - it’s hard to overcome without help. Help with being uninhibited. What I’ve been doing hasn’t worked. Playing it safe doesn’t work. Too many inhibitions. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them and don’t want to say something that might be exaggerated? Fuck it. Say it. Even if is exaggerated and doesn’t feel authentic. Say what you’re embarrassed to say. Force the connection at first if you have to. Exercise the muscle. Everyone wants to connect. Let them. Some people might not be ready. Or even be into you. But they want to connect. They want to connect even if it doesn’t mean a relationship. Not every connection has to permanent or life-long. Find confidence in knowing people want to connect. Don’t get deterred from trying - please always try. Stay. When was the last time I didn’t want a night to end? Spending time with someone without inhibition is easier, easier to want to spend time with someone (for everyone). Let that be a gauge: try to create that environment by being uninhibited. Make them tell you to leave.
Everything about the other person becomes more interesting when you’re uninhibited. Boring stuff too. Aim for: “I want to know everything about you”. Nothing is off the table. Remember I can’t do anything wrong. I can’t say anything wrong. In the context of wanting to connect. Bare my soul. Invite them to bare theirs. Don’t overthink, focus on being uninhibited.
I need to feel more connected. Romantically but just as importantly with friends. And family.
I need to do things even if I “regret” what I do. Touch people. Physically. Emotionally. “What if they thought it was too much? Didn’t want it?” Fuck it. No more being embarrassed. So I never see them again. Trying matters. No more meeting and not trying to connect. Leave the interaction knowing that if I did nothing else than trying to connect then I succeeded. There could be a million reasons why something doesn’t work out romantically, I’m now going to try my hardest to not allow being inhibited be one of those reasons. There have been too many missed connections.
Too many people feeling empty. Lower inhibitions. Practice. Pretend youre uninhibited if you need to put your mind there. Remember “this is a what it was like to be uninhibited. To be out of my head” and pretend. Something is clearly wrong. It’s been a year. Hundred of matches. Why don’t I find anyone attractive? No connection. Connection above all else. Being unafraid. I can be shy and want to connect. I can be confident and want to connect. But I have to try to connect. Romantically, platonically, with my environment, with myself. Whatever means. Time to unlock a new dimension. Enough is enough. Too much time wasted.
What matters? Who are you? Growing up. When you were kid. “Who are you?” And meaning it (been a struggle), being curious. Saying something that might be embarrassing. Fuck it. “Here I am”. “What’s your tattoo say” “I’m embarrassed” fuck it. “This is what I struggled with”. It’s not cliche. These thoughts are part of who I am. Bare it. Looser inhibitions. Let’s connect to God. Together. People have souls. Everyone. Yes, really everyone. I’m not better than anyone else. Me not feeling connected is my fault too. Looser inhibitions unlocks this.
Flashbacks to Colin). He might be the last person I felt deeply about? He felt it too. Why? I know why. Looser inhibitions. Full circle back to tonight. Flashbacks to the guy from Princeton, drunk on the subway, “I’ve never felt so alive”. Flashbacks to wandering around midtown (2016? 21 years old?) two gay men come up to me, stumbling, “can you take our picture?” Lost inhibitions (do we seem weird? Who cares). Connected. I don’t think they were from nyc and it reminds me of how unique feeling uninhibited with someone is. How strongly that connects two people. I don’t remember seeing two people happier.
It’s been so long since I’ve been excited about life. I feel exciting about my life now. Excited about becoming myself again. Who I really am. I can’t wait to love more. More unabashedly. I want so much more out of life because I recognize how lucky I am to experience it. I want to go so much deeper. I feel my spirit awakening and I don’t want it to stop.
Looser inhibitions.
Looser inhibitions.
Looser inhibitions.
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s0fter-sin · 7 months ago
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mermay idea
mers keep their faces covered as a way to indicate social status and familiarity. warriors have intricate masks, handcrafted when they win their first battle and the more detailed a mask is, the more accomplished the wearer is. they're rarely shed and are only taken off for their closest kin and mates
warrior bull shark mer!soap seeing human!ghost, seeing his skull mask and immediately knowing he's a high ranking warrior; one to be feared going off the numerous scars covering his body
an ideal and worthy mate, so long as he can prove his prowess
so he follows him as he's deployed on a mission near the ocean and is smitten when he sees how ruthless and capable he is; bathing himself in his enemies blood. he keeps his distance, not wanting to tempt fate but ghost spies the tip of his fin cutting through the water
and he's nothing if not an opportunist; kicking the bodies off the pier to the waiting jaws below
but soap? all he sees is the first step in a courting ritual
and he has to come up with something truly brilliant to match such a glorious offering
on ghost's part, it's been difficult getting people to understand the depths of his dependence on his mask. price thinks it's something to overcome, gaz and other soldiers just think it's an accessory to help with intimidation
the few partners he's tried to have thought he was someone to "fix"; nothing more than an object, a notch on their belt to prove how "good" of a partner they were to put in so much work to make him better. it always leaves him feeling violated, more so than if they'd just taken his mask off outright. one night stands were hardly worth it either; scratching a physical itch but falling so short of the intimacy and connection he craves that he feels worse off than he'd started
when he finally meets the mer that's been hunting him across the country, sees the bright red mask so artfully hewn and attached to his face?
it's like looking at a reflection of himself
he might have finally found the understanding he's been searching for
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I know we’ve all talked about the callbacks to the tragic greek myth of orpheus and eurydice in relation to charles and edwin but just think of the callbacks to the more ancient and tragic myth of dean and castiel
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planet4546b · 1 month ago
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need to find a way to very calmly but firmly tell my students it is not that serious
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completeoveranalysis · 1 year ago
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[10]
OH OUCH
CLAMP COMING BACK SWINGING WITH THE PARALLEL TO THE MANGA’S OPENING SCENE 
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BRUTAL. 
To have Sakura and Lava Lamp promise to hold hands when at THAT moment they ALSO couldn't close that distance? When it mattered most?
Was it these two all along, back then? Was the manga's opening a glimpse of what happens on between THESE two characters, in ten years time? Or is that still yet another scenario we haven’t seen yet?
Either way THIS almost-touch between them is accompanied with the PROMISE that they’ll close the distance between them on her birthday. Establishing the pattern of Sakura and Syaoran ALMOST touching but then not being able to - for it to become the outline of their lives afterwards, and the lives of their clones, and onwards until the present day. 
So Lava Lamp made two promises here (to protect Sakura, and to hold her hand) and we're SO close to him maybe being able to fulfill them after all this time! 
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titsthedamnseason · 10 months ago
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why does “God” talk to zane. im scared
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theweirderofthetwo · 2 months ago
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Today i talked with my brother for the first time in about 2 weeks. One of the first things he said was ”Have you heard they identified a guy from the franklin expedition?”
The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and went something like this:
6 % Hi, how are you?
28 % Franklin expedition
12 % So we’ll both travel to visit family this weekend.
54 % Hornblower in various media formats
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deargravity · 1 month ago
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paralive has been kind of pissing me off recently but let me not linger on that lmfao i will muscle through this for visty lore
#the way the groups have been set up with each other is looking so terrible for the overall story#i just want some more plot and worldbuilding but if bae and cozmez keep winning we’re going to get nothing but more plotless fillers#i’m acually so sick of them winning everything. some of us have REAL PROBLEMS. what about alter trigger#the way akanyatsura and 1nm8 have the capacity to drive the story with their connection to alter trigger. and they might not even make it#i love bae but i’m kind of getting sick of the way paralive is written and the voting system that ruins everything#also like 😭😭 bae’s storyline i believe is Over. we dont need to touch that anymore#and cozmez have been through enough. just let them be happy dear god#we dont even know anything about iori yet despite the role he’s played in other ppl’s character arcs. INSANE#he was there for hajun’s phantometal erosion and kanata’s hallucination of nayuta BE SERIOUS#he has access to information that creates plot movement + he’s in a good position as the head of the suiseki group#to go bar for bar with alter trigger given his resources and also his wide reach#also the stakes are high for both akyr and 1nm8 to reach / take down alter trigger#it just makes for an exciting story. u dont even need to take Creative Writing 101 to know this#i’m just getting so mad thinking about it. i’m allowed to be angry because i love these characters & the premise#and i hate seeing it go to waste#not to mention the connection yeon conglomerate had with alter trigger themselves? what happened to that#getting dongha an arc and also simultaneously address yeon company’s unethical / dubious investments? HELLO#IS ANYONE LISTENING#i’m not delusional i know visty will very likely not make it through that first round. but 1nm8 winning will be for nothing#if we get the same two groups winning again#akyr and gokuluck. my life is in your hands#i’m just irritated and today was a bad day and i just need to not take things so seriously maybe#i love visty#i hope yohei had a good day today#ro talks
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ssruis · 6 months ago
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Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.
#I’m resuming this tomorrow it’s been hours now I’m just mad#I’m home because my parents are moving to a different state and I needed to pack whatever was left#and for some reason we just keep old devices when we’re done with them#so I borrow an adapter to allow me to connect my ancient unworking iPad mini to my laptop#factory reset it. i have to reset an old email to access the old Apple id to fully reset it.#it won’t connect to the wifi so I have to reset the settings. i find out it’s too old to run pjsk.#i find an old phone that should work. i reset it as well. I’m able to download pjsk & it takes 20 minutes.#pjsk crashes everytime I try to open it. i attempt to run bluestacks on my computer. bluestacks doesn’t have 64 bit for mac yet.#i get a free trial of parallels and download windows onto my laptop. this takes 40 minutes.#i try to download and run bluestacks on that. m1 macs apparently can’t run bluestacks 64 bit through parallels.#i go find the final old phone that I had forgotten about. it takes forever to charge because the charging port is fucked up. i reset it as#well. it can’t connect to wifi. i try a hotspot on my current phone. service is too awful. i try to do wifi sharing from my laptop.#you have to be connected to the router via a cable for that to work.#at this point it has been like 3 hours. I’m giving up because I’ve been down this route before#when I attempted to run 32 bit steam games on m1 mac#(wine64 doesn’t exist for m1 macs yet -> attempt to run boot camp -> boot camp isn’t a thing anymore on Apple silicon -> attempt to run#several different programs that allow me to run windows on a mac. none of them work. ->#look into linux & give up. -> attempt to implement the unfinished/unbottled wine64 code thru terminal. ->#fuck up and delete some important file & have to fix that (misery inducing) -> keep trying. i think I downloaded a Mac coding program at#some point? i realize I have zero coding knowledge and this is a mistake. -> give up and purchase crossover. game doesn’t even work. ->#3 months later update to the latest OS so I can have enough storage to play psychonauts 2. find out the $60 crossover#purchase was a bad idea because ‘heehee crossover doesn’t work on that buy the new version’ (fuck crossover).#my toxic trait is my belief that I can figure out anything via google and sheer stubbornness. usually this is true. occasionally there are#exceptions to this rule. most of them are because owning Apple products is a mistake.#i think if I reset the router tomorrow I can solve this problem but I can also just go elsewhere with better service or wait until I’m home#now it’s a matter of pride. and also free 4*/I have nothing better to do because I’m stuck here until Tuesday.#<- this is all normal behavior by the way. who doesn’t spend 8 hours ramming their head against a problem every once and a while. enrichment#mine#oh I forgot. i also looked into cloning the app but that would cost money for something that might not even work.#‘just log out and make an alt’ and risk losing my account? I’m stupid enough to overwrite it on accident.
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somegurl8 · 1 year ago
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Having too many thoughts right now about Vyncent having canon trust issues stemming from what happened with his father and then I remembered the whole bit where Vyncent kind of made that deal with Mal in order to try and get home and realized that low key he pulled the same thing his dad did which was betray his friends by making a deal with their supernatural/undead enemy in return for gaining something that’s understandable but still messed up to betray your friends over
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rivenantiqnerd · 1 month ago
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help i have trouble falling asleep
but i want it to be tomorrow and i want to be at school
and the only way to do that is to go to sleep and sleep the time away
do you see the problem here
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s0fter-sin · 7 months ago
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i’ve been watching yannis marshall choreography for like 15 minutes and i’m back thinking about my dancer au
gaz suggests a pole dancing segment for the music video for price and ghost shuts it down hard, saying he doesn’t do pole. gaz calls him selfish, that he’s just saying no to spite him but ghost holds firm; not even listening to soap as he tries to reason with him and reach a compromise
soap gets to practice early like he always does, just to see ghost blasting another life by motionless in white and doing a flawless pole routine. he’s as mesmerised by him as he always is, such beautiful movements contrasted by the seemingly harsh music, and waits for him to break before teasing, “i thought you said you couldn’t do pole dancin’.”
ghost just wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. he knew he was there
he always knows when soap’s there
“i said i didn’t do pole; not that i couldn’t.”
“what’s stoppin’ you?” soap asks, genuine and innocently curious and it’s the only reason ghost doesn’t completely shut him down
“what ‘bout you?” he asks instead. “ever done pole?”
he shrugs and sets his bag down. “enough to get in a twirl or two. ‘sides, gaz’s better suited to that kinda delicate work.”
“now, that i know is bullshit,” ghost scoffs and soap tenses, expecting him to go off on another rant about his best mate (just like he waits through gaz going off on ghost) but- “i’ve seen your competition tapes; you’re plenty strong enough to work a pole.”
soap stares at him. “how have you-?”
“price,” he answers simply, throwing the towel on top of his gear and all but stalks towards him. “i like knowin’ who i’m working with; he sent me your breakdancin’ comps. if you can hold a three-fingered hollowback handstand, you can bend on a pole.”
soap sputters as ghost grips his tank top and yanks him over to the pole, setting his hands in place on the body-warmed metal; bracketing his body with his own. he guides his body through the motions; teaches him how to fall and catch himself in a spin, how to gracefully climb and hold his body in midair
soap laughs as he throws himself into a spin just to bend his legs over his head, twisting his body to latch onto the pole with knee and lean perfectly horizontal with his other leg splayed out; his arm thrown above his head
he tips his head back to catch ghost’s grin and almost drops himself as he jumps up to join him; artfully climbing above him and holding his whole weight on his hip as he flips down to look at him
soap’s breath catches at the scant distance between their faces; so close he can count the near invisible freckles on ghosts skin, his fair lashes and the deep flecks of gold in his dark eyes
ghost is just as entranced; his grin slowly fading as he looks into the light sparkling in soap’s eyes. he tips his head towards the mirrors lining the studio and they slowly turn to look at themselves; fitting perfectly together
“see?” he whispers. “we don’t look all that outta place, do we?”
“no,” soap whispers back. “we don’t.”
#after stripping for roba he cant do traditional pole without being reminded of it#of the hundreds of hungry eyes and greedy hands wanting to rip him apart. all encouraged by the man who has him trapped#im still trying to work out details (not that ill ever be fleshing this out beyond a notfic lmao) but i think other than soap’s self esteem#the other main subplot would be roba coming back after he realises ghost is simon#price got him away from his cartel backed strip club. whether he bought him out or has something else to hold over him i dont know#but part of simon taking on ghost was to hide from roba as much as it was to give himself a new life#but roba still has security footage of him in the club and if he releases it he’ll do irreparable damage to his and price’s career#the ghost used to work for (against his will) the cartel? esteemed director john price made a deal with him?#theyll both be ruined#not that ghost cares about his reputation. he only starts to go along with it bc itll hurt price#and after roba finds out about soap he threatens him too#how easy it would be for him to find soap and break a few bones. just enough to ensure he’ll never dance again#WAIT THIS COULD BE THE TURNING POINT I COULDNT FIGURE OUT!!#i said nikolai would be gazs manager so maybe ghost starts pushing soap away to try and protect him and gaz loses his shit#like ‘how dare you just drop soap after making him like you so much?!’ then it all just comes out and gaz says he’ll help#but hes doing it for soap and price /not/ ghost and enrolls nik who still has underworld connections of his own#oh shit its all coming together#if anyone wants to adopt and write this brw i would love you forever#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#soapghost#ghostsoap#soap cod#john soap mactavish#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#kyle gaz garrick#gaz cod#task force 141#save post
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technicallyaminecraftsimp · 9 months ago
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The only thing worse than having to write about a book you don’t understand is not being able to rightfully describe what you understand about the book
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sawruhh · 1 year ago
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Boy do I have updates
#I had my first experience with an arranged marriage type situation#Checked off all my boxes but I felt absolutely nothing#it was agonizing to try and process my feelings when our parents had spoken and everyone was so excited#so i sent a nice little message about how I’m just not feeling enough of a connection to move forward#and he said he wasn’t feeling it either but thought flying out to meet me would help#and that was ofc a major ick for me#if we’re not obsessed with each other I don’t want it!!!#so anyway I’m so relieved so glad I followed my heart#and now ofc everyone is acting like they agreed with me all along#but I feel so free and like I can really trust myself#this morning I went to this lecture series on world religions at this church nearby#it was open to everyone and it was in the university’s religious life newsletter#it was hilarious being the only nonwhite person under the age of like 70#todays talk was about Buddhism and the chaplain from the meditation groups I’ve been going to was the speaker#so they gave me a lil shout out when talking about the university’s activities#and thennnnn at 1 I had my first date with Andrew#he lives an hour away but he drove all the way out here#we got ice cream and sat outside and talked#he is so handsome omg#tall and a thick beard and fit and suuuper well dressed but in a very understated way#a super deep voice and a bit of a southern accent which truly had me swooning#also he paid for my ice cream without me knowing which was so sweet#he’s from a suuuper tiny town but did his master’s here in the city#and one green flag is when he was talking about some friends’ bachelor parties he mentioned all these super wholesome activities#he laughs a lot#I had a really nice time#and I’m realizing that I’m so much more confident now#I can talk to anybody and really keep a conversation going#I took a Power Nap but I gotta get back to my homework soon phew#remember
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kingofthering · 1 year ago
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looking at my gdoc of bezz tattoo artist au makes me wonder if I have forgotten how to properly write fics
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waywardvagabonds · 1 year ago
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I really wish I knew how to talk myself down from feelings of being restless and impatient and afraid that I am not doing enough and taking too long to do something but that is just…so ridiculously hard for me, apparently. Like I must be going and doing and making decisions and taking action or else The Dread starts to sink in.
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