#my body is just a vehicle

[re-pave]

I figured it out.

12:20am: I spent the past 2 hours walking across the upper west side of Manhattan.

Love. Connection. Nothing else matters. Literally nothing. It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to connect. How do I connect more? How do I love more? Looser inhibitions. It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks, I haven’t actually lived life. Look at all these people at 12am trying to connect. Unsuspecting people who are robots at work (inhibited). I’ve been so afraid…my entire life. The entirety of my life. It’s so deeply engrained. I don’t know exactly why (tbd). How do I connect to my spirit? My soul? I haven’t felt anything in so long, and this is the first night it’s happened. I’m so afraid to touch people (esp men). Emotionally, physically. Have I ever felt comfortable touching someone? And not felt insecure? Truly comfortable. Truly. Initiating. How many people have I slept with? So much emptiness. Point taken. This is the start of a new life. No more being afraid. What makes me afraid? Inhibition. Being too much, not meaning what I say and regretting it. Fuck that. Connection over everything else. Even if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s not going to feel natural at first. How do I lower inhibitions? I know how. Look at all these people. What’re they doing at 12:20am? Connecting. How? Lower inhibitions. There’s a reason alcohol plays the role it does in society and is as common as it is (for better or worse. Accept why its used). And there’s a reason I’ve been hiding from it - fear. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. It’s worth it.

Think about how many people I’ve met this past year. How many people I’ve “talked to”. Too many to remember. I’ve never been more alone. Zero connection. To my soul. To another soul. I haven’t felt anything in so long. Im clearly doing something wrong. So fuck it, full tilt the other way - what’s there to lose? Nothing. I need to overcome the fear of being weird. Anything could be interpreted as weird to someone who is inhibited. There’s no connection without “weirdness”. This is a fear that’s been baked into my psyche forever - it’s hard to overcome without help. Help with being uninhibited. What I’ve been doing hasn’t worked. Playing it safe doesn’t work. Too many inhibitions. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them and don’t want to say something that might be exaggerated? Fuck it. Say it. Even if is exaggerated and doesn’t feel authentic. Say what you’re embarrassed to say. Force the connection at first if you have to. Exercise the muscle. Everyone wants to connect. Let them. Some people might not be ready. Or even be into you. But they want to connect. They want to connect even if it doesn’t mean a relationship. Not every connection has to permanent or life-long. Find confidence in knowing people want to connect. Don’t get deterred from trying - please always try. Stay. When was the last time I didn’t want a night to end? Spending time with someone without inhibition is easier, easier to want to spend time with someone (for everyone). Let that be a gauge: try to create that environment by being uninhibited. Make them tell you to leave.

Everything about the other person becomes more interesting when you’re uninhibited. Boring stuff too. Aim for: “I want to know everything about you”. Nothing is off the table. Remember I can’t do anything wrong. I can’t say anything wrong. In the context of wanting to connect. Bare my soul. Invite them to bare theirs. Don’t overthink, focus on being uninhibited.

I need to feel more connected. Romantically but just as importantly with friends. And family.

I need to do things even if I “regret” what I do. Touch people. Physically. Emotionally. “What if they thought it was too much? Didn’t want it?” Fuck it. No more being embarrassed. So I never see them again. Trying matters. No more meeting and not trying to connect. Leave the interaction knowing that if I did nothing else than trying to connect then I succeeded. There could be a million reasons why something doesn’t work out romantically, I’m now going to try my hardest to not allow being inhibited be one of those reasons. There have been too many missed connections.

Too many people feeling empty. Lower inhibitions. Practice. Pretend youre uninhibited if you need to put your mind there. Remember “this is a what it was like to be uninhibited. To be out of my head” and pretend. Something is clearly wrong. It’s been a year. Hundred of matches. Why don’t I find anyone attractive? No connection. Connection above all else. Being unafraid. I can be shy and want to connect. I can be confident and want to connect. But I have to try to connect. Romantically, platonically, with my environment, with myself. Whatever means. Time to unlock a new dimension. Enough is enough. Too much time wasted.

What matters? Who are you? Growing up. When you were kid. “Who are you?” And meaning it (been a struggle), being curious. Saying something that might be embarrassing. Fuck it. “Here I am”. “What’s your tattoo say” “I’m embarrassed” fuck it. “This is what I struggled with”. It’s not cliche. These thoughts are part of who I am. Bare it. Looser inhibitions. Let’s connect to God. Together. People have souls. Everyone. Yes, really everyone. I’m not better than anyone else. Me not feeling connected is my fault too. Looser inhibitions unlocks this.

Flashbacks to Colin). He might be the last person I felt deeply about? He felt it too. Why? I know why. Looser inhibitions. Full circle back to tonight. Flashbacks to the guy from Princeton, drunk on the subway, “I’ve never felt so alive”. Flashbacks to wandering around midtown (2016? 21 years old?) two gay men come up to me, stumbling, “can you take our picture?” Lost inhibitions (do we seem weird? Who cares). Connected. I don’t think they were from nyc and it reminds me of how unique feeling uninhibited with someone is. How strongly that connects two people. I don’t remember seeing two people happier.

It’s been so long since I’ve been excited about life. I feel exciting about my life now. Excited about becoming myself again. Who I really am. I can’t wait to love more. More unabashedly. I want so much more out of life because I recognize how lucky I am to experience it. I want to go so much deeper. I feel my spirit awakening and I don’t want it to stop.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

Looser inhibitions.

[crabsnpersimmons]

What if y/n from have you eaten? Au had eating disorders?

oou! good question!

yes! that is definitely a scenario i would like to explore in the fic when i get to it. also why i want to write the fic with multiple different Y/Ns so we can explore different experiences and relationships with food

there is a "main Y/N" who is a glutton who likes to try anything and everything. i haven't done the research for it so i can't say whether or not they have an eating disorder, but they DO have an unhealthy relationship with food as a result of being shamed for their appetite. so that, coupled with their job that emphasizes appearances and first impressions, they eat smaller meals, seemingly healthier meals, safe meals. but when they're alone at the restaurant with the DCA boys, without having to worry about who sees them or how much they eat, they're able to enjoy their food openly and honour their body's cravings.

[herd-reject-arts]

So I deliver mail now

Though it's not really part of the job, I can and will block a street to momentarily move a turtle across. There's a lot of water in the area, so a lot of street turtles. Luckily, my temporary route is 90% back roads and neighborhoods, so I'm not actually obstructing traffic. It was a nice Saturday afternoon, so literally no one was out on the roads. I just thought this phrasing was funny.

[keeps-ache]

blood of the covenant

[mellomadness]

saw my first tesla cybertruck in the wild today. good fucking lord that is the ugliest vehicle i have ever laid eyes on

[fullcolorfright]

The Phantom of the Moulin-Rouge (1925, dir. René Clair, French)

[honeybeeofficial]

call me a guinea pig but I love to let doctors bring their students/residents/visiting doctors/etc into the room when I'm being seen. it's my turn to be studied like a bug. get in here

[vampiremourning]

anyway as soon as i pry myself off this couch im gonna share some screenshots of bg3 protags on my sideblog. just gotta like. reach the desk first.

[tealfruit]

I'm just constantly on my bullshit these days. brain said fuck you feel everything and think about everything

[lith-myathar]

.

[thedragonsfate]

since I'm thinking abt it, I feel like it's always a good time for the reminder that your kidneys main function is to filter your blood to balance your body's fluids and remove waste to be released out of your body in your urine

if your kidneys are functioning properly then they are already doing any "cleansing of toxins" your system may need automatically all of the time, just like they're doing in the bodies of countless other species

The human body is very successful at surviving and has evolved to do so!! it's a very cool thing the way your body works to support your everyday life in ways that can pretty much eliminate the need to manually enact basic survival functions like the beating of your heart or the filtering of waste harmful to your body!

I guess I just wanna say like. unless you truly have kidney disease or other organ failures/disfunctions - in which case definitely do seek medical intervention - you can trust your body to take care of that for you

don't let anybody shame you into thinking you should be out here doing cleanses and paying significant money to try to hack into what your body is already doing for you naturally,

and try not to let human intelligence and ego undermine the success of a body plan that has been successful for vertebrates for at LEAST tens of millions of years

[selamat-linting]

bad boy? no, i think you misheard. i want a bug boy. gimme those mandibles and scorpion stingers.

[whoarethegirls]

this year my reading goal is to stop sticking it out when books desperately try to get me to love a character

[chloelouygo]

I've only just met him but i would fucking die for Pluto on Black Butler I am so in love with him

(I'm only on like episode 8(?) and I know literally not a single spoiler for black butler and I'm not risking looking up Pluto at all lest I risk any contamination, so you guys can deal with my pining over his white haired fang faced body count ass until I can be sure I won't spoil his character arc at all lmao)

[apple-duty]

Removed my pronoun markers from all social media because it just doesn’t feel right. Because I don’t care how you refer to me. It’s okay. You cannot insult me in a way that matters.

[chl3borzoi]

I mean shit, my only two real options for security in my town is the factory or the halfway house. Both not bad gigs, and the first has a guaranteed job for vets so 🤷‍♀️