#which is funny to me because i am something of a prude in my day to day life

[honeybeeofficial]

call me a guinea pig but I love to let doctors bring their students/residents/visiting doctors/etc into the room when I'm being seen. it's my turn to be studied like a bug. get in here

[babiebom]

Ranking Nerdy Prudes Must Die songs

A/N: because I need something to post and I’ve been obsessed since the musical came out. Also merry Christmas and happy holidays!! Also PLEASE DONT HATE ME

Tw:some sexual mentions, cursing, lyrics might be wrong bc I’m going off the top of my head, mentions of murder etc

Wc: idk it’s headcanons so like 3 points for each song

Misc Masterlist

15)The Best of You

I just don’t listen to this as much as I listen to the other songs

Like it’s not bad

I just don’t really listen to it

It sounds like a high school musical song and the child in me loves it

14)If I Loved You

Idk y but the first time I watched this song made me uncomfy

Well not the whole song literally just the “don’t need lover boy need lover man” part even though Mariah KILLS it idk what it is about that part

But also their voices are immaculate

like Actually I love their voices so much

And the song itself is VERY good

Again I just don’t listen to it as often as the others

OH BABE ID LET YOU KNOW

PERIOD

I also really love the chaos that would be watching two people do this in a cafe

Like how they’re standing at the door like “you leave” “no you leave” actually funny.

13)Cool as I Think I Am(Reprise)

SADGE

I DONT LIKE SADGE

But also they again kill this Mariah and Joey are top tier

The whole “you’re not as cool as you think you are” “you’re as smart as I know you are”

To the “IF I LOVED YOU I WOULD SHOW IT”

IMMACULATE

Would be higher up if I listened to it more often but alas like the ones before this I just don’t listen to it enough.

12)Just For Once

Tbh this is only this high up because of the iconic parts that I listen to over and over

Like I think the only time I listened to the whole song was while watching the musical in its entirety

I literally only listen to VERY specific parts of this song

I’m gonna skip around some of the lyrics but y’all know the parts

The “I wasn’t upset about the attention I ensnared JUDGE ME”

“It fucking worked, I’m fucking here, he’s fucking her, I’m disappointed”

“Should I let the coals burn out? JUST FOR OOOOOOONCE” LAUREN LOPEZ IS A GODDESS PLS

“The other day the Johnson’s borrowed my tap shoes. I used to dance”

Like actually makes my heart clench

Like I’m 23 and this song makes me feel like it’s too late to do what I want because there’s all these things I used to do when I was younger and now I’m just….living but not really.

11)The Summoning

THE CHAOS

HELLO FWENDY-WENDS

Out OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL AND BACK

I LOVE THIS SONG

Stephanie yum yum

I love the lords in black (especially because they’re so colorful)

Also the beginning of this song is iconic

Literally their chanting and voices are so good.

Honestly if they remade this musical into a movie with all sorts of cgi I feel like this would be a VERY CHAOTIC PART

I love it

Also I think I just love when it’s a bunch of noise that allows me not to think

Which is what this song is when they’re singing the repetitive parts

And I know people hate the repetitive parts but I love them

Like so good

10)High School is Killing Me

Again don’t listen to this as much as I should

But I should mention that I listen to this at least once a day so we see how much I listen to the songs after this one

IM DEAD!!

I’m scared someone comes for ME I’m unprepared

Jon and Lauren sound so good here and I honestly think this was the perfect way to open a musical

Like yeah it’s a little spoiler but it’s so GOOD

It’s hell on earth you know? I’m tweeting all about it!

The way Angela covers her mouth every time they curse is funny

AND the part where they’re like “is god the one giving the test” and Angela (Grace) is in the middle with the light shining down on her is imagery I love

Like idk why people aren’t mentioning that she’s literally a Christian and is highlighted in that part.

Stephanie was up late last night and couldn’t study bc she was arguing about the homophobic dog

Also crypto?

Also I think this song perfectly embodies what it’s like to be in high school?

Like it was killing me and I swore that I wouldn’t miss it after I graduated, and that I would always hate high school and that idk how I survived it

But now as an adult I’m like damn while I hated going to school it was something about those days that I miss so much. And I only graduated 5 years ago.

09)Bully the Bully

BE COOL BEANS

Keep the beans cool

Bean school

Also I think we’re starting to show that I have a very special place in my heart for Angela

I love how she performs and portrays characters

Also the fact that they’re just singing about bullying the bully for all sorts of different reasons is funny to me

Petey gonna jump on out ✋😐🤚

Jäeger gonna Jäger out 🤘🤪🤘

Also actually was a funny plan that probably wouldn’t work irl but would be funny to watch on a school fight page

Also the fact that Max says that it’s the nicest thing anyone has done for him

08)Bury The Bully

Oh no 😥 she’s snapping again 😟

Please let this be a normal field trip

Give off same vibes

Also I love the layers in the song

Mariah does a good job

HACK ALL HIS LIMBS OFF (did you say hack all his limbs off?) YEAH!

Also very funny

Like Grace’s descent into madness is entertaining

RUTH IS GONNA CUT OFF HIS NIPS

Also shows how stupid they are because they literally could’ve said that it was an accident

It’s literally 5 of them

Just be like yeah we brought him here to scare him and his stupid ass decided to stand on top of some old ass wood and it cracked under him and he died.

But no listening to Grace they become criminals.

No one is gonna make Ruth their bitch

“Do you wanna get the fullest ride? Then start CUTTIN RIGHT ABOVE THE THIGH!”

07)Cool as I Think I Am

Song that shows up throughout the musical

Like it’s in almost every single song if you listen closely to the background

And honestly it’s so good

Because it makes me feel something inside

Like it plays as Richie dies

As Pete and Stephanie realize that she’s gonna have to kill him

At the very end in dirty dudes must die

It’s just an iconic song

Also Joey’s voice is AMAZING

“If I could finally break the rules I would know that IM NOT A LOSER”

Of HIS WORLD HE IS THE RULER

He’s as cool as she thinks he is and she’s as smart as he thinks she is

It’s so cute

Like it’s inspiring in a way

And it’s like he’s finding himself.

LOVE IT

OHHHHHHH SHUT UP-Max

06)Go Go NightHawks

ITS LIKE THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL YEAH

N

I

G

H

T

AHH AHH 🦅🦅

FIGHT 🥊💥

Fuck YOU CLIVESDALE GO GET FUCKED

YOU FUCKING LOSERS

I literally just love this song and that’s why it’s high

Like literally no other reason other than this song gets me crunk

I wanna whoop clivesdales asses

Bitch ass hoes

Like I did not like my own school rallies this much

But I would love to aten one of these football games

05)Hatchet Town

He is Dan Reynolds with Action News

WHOS SWINGING THE HATCHET NOW?

I think her name is Bryce I am not sure

But the pretty woman who sings the slow part

So beautiful and her voice is literally out of this world

“I REMEMBER BEFORE THE LOCKDOWN THE SUN WAS SHINING ON OUT TOWN AND OUT KIDS COULD WALK THE STREETS”

Literally I was blown away when I heard this part

And I honestly just really like this song

Like it perfectly portrays how people act when anything happens

Like shifting the blame and causing hysteria when all you really need to do is be vigilant and listen to what the professionals are saying

But then also the people in charge don’t know what they’re doing so it’s like WTF do we do

“YEAH ITS GOT TO BE DONNA”

It’s a chaos song that depicts people properly

I feel like most of their songs depict people pretty well.

Like yeah it’s exaggerated but it’s accurate as well.

I also like dancing around to this song like I’m being sneaky and gossipy

“Someone’s got their hands on the hatchet handle” 🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️

04)Literal Monster

I LOVE THIS SONG

The only reason it’s not higher is because I listen to the other songs more

But OH MY GOD

everyone’s vocals immaculate

The dancing?

Amazing

Like actually literal monster is so good

“HE ROARS AND WE CRY HES THE REASON WE RUN AND HIDE”

Is her name Kim? I think this is Kim

I LOVE HER VOICE

Also everything about this song is just like YES this is how you do a musical

Also I think the guy who plays Max is named Will?

This is my first time ever hearing him sing and actually it’s so good

He’s the goofiest bully to exist like HUH

His little dancie dance is so funny

He’s like a Fortnite character

He doesn’t need anyone to tell him high school will be his peak

Also his obsession with Grace is so funny and comes out of nowhere.

And the fact that he hates nerds like her but somehow wants to smash even though there are more than enough people who are probably willing makes me think he genuinely likes her but would never admit it.

He’s a literal monster (lmao rip bozo)

03)Dirty Dudes Must Die

BROTHER

When I tell you I am obsessed

I mean I am literally listening to this song like a dozen times a day

And I sing it at the top of my lungs

I’m actually in love with this song

The only reason it’s not number one is that I like the vocals of the other songs better

“WHO WILL PRAY FOR YOU WHEN YOUR BODYS GONE? THIS IS THE CONSEQUENCE FOR WHAT YOUVE DONE”

Like YES

“ARE YOU HARD BC YOURE STRESSED?” (What?) “OR IS THIS A POWER I NOW POSESS?!”

Like yes girl use your haunted poosay to kill everyone YES

Like actually her arc is so good to me even though it’s like not what you’d expect/think would happen

Like you would be like oh Christian girl has sex and realizes that it’s not that bad and that she doesn’t have to be a radical religious person

But instead she’s like yeah okay I’m gonna use my new evil powers for GOD and now no one is gonna stop me

She goes from crazy to crazier and I love it

Angela is the love of my life

Like actually she makes me wanna act

And also be absolutely insane but that’s a different topic

Good song gets me hype.

02)Dirty Girl

YESSSJSJAKWOWKNSKWLA

I know this song makes people uncomfy

But I am a horny girl and this song literally gave me whiplash when I first watched like

GIRL ME TOO

Their vocals and just the song itself is so good

Like her struggle with staying true to her religion and herself but also now feeling lust and want for someone that she previously never would’ve thought about before

And it does prove that Max is right about Grace being kinky af because as we see her descent into madness the things that she’s into are things that I know Christian people would be horrified at

Like when they bring him to the Waylon house and he’s aggressive and she’s like OH YEAH THIS IS GOOD

This song is just like look at her try to deny what she’s feeling and look at her struggle with something that many other people religious or not struggle with and look at how badly she handles it

Like if her parents would’ve handled this better Max would not have died

She is hungry for more and now her judgement is all cloudy because of ONE BOY

Everything could’ve been avoided if she was raised to believe that lusting is okay, feeling those feelings is okay

You don’t have to act on them but LORD they aren’t something that is wrong to feel.

It just makes it worse when you try to suppress things

But alas she lives in a no moan household.

01)Nerdy Prudes Must Die

IM SO SORRY RICHIE BUT THIS SONG IS ICONIC

Literally the name of the musical

And rightfully the best song

Jon’s acting and voice is AMAZING

Will sounds amazing

Like actually I could not stop repeating the “will you pray for me, when I’m gone?” Part for WEEKS

Like I’m still singing it to myself

It’s so good

IM NOT A LOSER

Like brother how he just sings that part is like OH MY GOD

Like everything about this song is good

And the fact that Max is like Yeah I couldnt care less how you actively dismembered me and defiled my body(his nipples) and buried him in an abandoned old house.

Like everything about this song is also tragic

Because everyone is celebrating his disappearance

And at this point I feel like he has to have seen that they’re celebrating.

And he was so close to changing

We see that he’s an asshole because of his family life which is tragically the reality of a lot of bullies and hurt people in general

So to have him on the brink of maybe changing and then dying and being dismembered and buried in a place no one knows he’s buried in

Is so sad in a way

Like we don’t even get to see if he would have changed because he does

And when he comes back as a literal monster he’s hurt and angry and wants revenge on the people and people like the people that got him killed even if it was an accident.

This musical is genuinely so good UGH

[boasamishipper]

Hi, I’m intrigued by the Night Court content I’m seeing from you. How did you start up with this show from 40 years ago? Which episodes give you Harry/Dan vibes? (Truly curious! I’m watching the show rn on FreeVee because of you.)

how did i begin watching night court, you ask?

okay so the story ACTUALLY begins several months earlier. i'd been seeing ads for new night court on tv, and i was like hey!! that's the guy from richie rich!! and so i looked up old night court on tvtropes and ao3, found some fics for the show, skimmed them, and moved on with my life.

THEN in november 2023 i got laid off (corporate reorgs my detested) (dw i have since found a new job) and started looking for non-indeed.com ways to fill my hours. cue another commercial for new night court, which was returning to nbc in january. huh, thought i, jokingly. wonder if anybody on here watches this.

one quick tumblr search informed me that there were, in fact, other people who watched this show. specifically the original show. and then i saw this post, thought 'boy that judge and that prosecutor sure have Something going on' and proceeded to devour all nine seasons over the course of two months. (then i caught up with the reboot and watched s2 as it aired.) i posted my first fic, Zeitnot, nine days after i started watching the show, and told my bestie caroline that now that it was up, i had gotten all of my night court thoughts and feelings out of my system and would shortly go back to finishing my other wips.

(narrator voice) she did not, in fact, get all her night court thoughts and feelings out of her system.

anyway so 90k+ words of night court fic later here i Still Am and here i Still Plan To Be for a good long while.

so why night court?

well, to begin, it's the wildest show i have ever seen in my life. it's set in - you guessed it - the night shift of a manhattan arraignment court during the 1980s. the judge (harry stone, played by harry anderson) is a gangly goofy cutie pie dork who loves magic and mel torme and sees the best in people and has the saddest backstory of any of the cast. the prosecutor (dan fielding, played by john larroquette, who won four emmy awards in a row for this role and would have won more if he hadn't taken himself out of consideration to give someone else a chance to win) is a womanizing lecherous pervert with a heart of gold, a sharp tongue, thick hair, and an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. harry shoots plastic snakes in dan's face in their very first meeting and by the end of the show the two are partners in shenanigans and platonic soulmates and perv4perv best friends. (another anon asked me my top harry/dan episodes; i'll answer that in their ask.) other characters include Tall As Fuck Intimidating Ditzy Bailiff Bull Shannon (richard moll), Spunky Naive Morally Upright Prude Public Defender Christine Sullivan (markie post), Hot Court Clerk Who Is Done With Everyone's Shit But Will Nonetheless Participate In The Shenanigans Mac Robinson (charlie robinson), and a collection of short, snarky, tough as nails bailiffs (selma diamond in s1-2, florence halop in s3, and marsha warfield in s4-s9).

the show is incredibly funny. if you don't like one joke wait five seconds and there will be another, even funnier one. physical comedy galore. hijinks and shenanigans everywhere. logic and realism? don't know her. wile e coyote once showed up as a defendant. dan once got so horny he locked himself in a closet and shoved a firehose down his pants. in another episode bull twisted dan into a human pretzel. it has to be seen to be believed.

but what i love most about night court is its heart (something that the sequel series has not found yet, but that's a rant for another day). the characters (at least as long as reinhold weege was involved with the show - again, a rant for another day) feel like real people. they have real flaws. they make hard decisions. they love with all their hearts, and we love them for it. they hurt, and we hurt with them. and the show - especially in the earlier seasons - balances the heart with the humor incredibly well. in 4.01, harry tries to reach out to his mother, who abandoned him when he was five, only to find out that she died, and the show does not shy away from his pain and conflicted emotions. that's the a-plot of the episode. in the b-plot, a ventriloquist's dummy commits suicide. not the ventriloquist. the dummy. and it's one of the best episodes of a start to finish stellar season.

and if you are still not convinced to give the show a try, watch this compilation of the best dan fielding moments. then watch all nine seasons of night court (available for free on freevee!) for more.

[shaniacsboogara]

boog what is your fav sk show

I may have taken forever to answer this, but that's because I've been THINKING ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY!!!

In all honesty, I can't pick ONE favourite, but I'll give you a little list (in no particular order mind you)

The first sk musical I ever watched was The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals (probably a few months after it originally came out???) and it will ALWAYS be one of my favourite musicals of all time. It's funny, the premise is unique and inventive, the score is PHENOMENAL, and THE PERFORMANCES??? Corey as Bill made me SOB (and still does if I think about him and Alice's story too hard). Now that the productions rights are out and I'm headed to uni and they have a theatre club there... 👀 (It probably won't happen but a Boog can dream)

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Twisted. Yeah it's silly, but also absolutely devastating. It would be an understatement to say I'm obsessed with Dylan Saunders' performance as Jafar. Twisted is my Roman Empire. I think about No One Remembers Achmed at least five times a day. AND JEFF BLIM AS FREAKY ALADDIN??? HIS JEKYLL AND HYDE MOMENT??? IS FOREVER ENGRAINED IN MY PSYCHE. And also just the Disney villains montage type thing they do is iconic and wonderful and 'If I Believed' is the only song ever actually.

I also just love The Hatchetverse as a whole. Black Friday was a real treat and I absolutely freaked out when I found out Dylan was in it, and was still absolutely astonished by his performing as Tom. That man is MAGICAL. A lot of people put "what tim wants" and "if I fail you" pretty low in their song rankings but like... They are EVERYTHING to me. Also KIM WHALEN??? A FELLOW GINGER SOPRANO WHO IS JUST SO GORGEOUS AND TALENTED AND I LOVE HER??? Also Jon as Wiggly is HORRIFYING and seeing him go from Paul in tgwdlm straight to Wiggly was JARRING. Linda Monroe is also ✨iconic✨. (I could ramble about this musical forever). It was definitely different in some ways than TGWDLM and was more serious tonally, but I really enjoyed it (and the music is AWESOME).

Trail to Oregon is also great!!! It's so silly and I LOVE seeing Joey Richter scurry back and forth putting on different hats to play almost the entire ensemble. Corey as Cleetus and the grandpa (Titty Mitty in the proshot) was phenomenal, and Lauren Lopez as Craphole is probably one of my favourite roles she's ever played. My absolute favourite moment of this entire musical is Joey Richter playing the baby buffalo whose family is about to get slaughtered. Baby buffalo Joey lives rent free in my mind. Also the best theatre blooper of all time comes from TTO (Joey forgetting his lines in independence my beloved)

NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE. THE SOUNDTRACK. THE SOUNDTRACK. I haven't watched this one as many times as the others, and it hasn't been around for as long so I don't think I've fully grown to appreciate it yet (and that's saying A LOT because I LOVE NPMD). ANGELA AS GRACE CHASTITY??? HELLO??? SHE IS EVERYTHING??? AND MAX JAGERMAN??? All of the performances in this are absolutely incredible. ALSO FINALLY GETTING MARIAH AS A LEAD IN A STARKID SHOW??? AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN IN THE FANDOM SINCE TGWDLM??? WE WERE WAITING SO PATIENTLY FOR THIS AND HOLY SHIT DID IT PAY OFF. Peter Spankoffski is everything and Cool As I Think I Am is ALSO everything. And omg Richie Lipschitz. I need to see him again in a nightmare time episode or something because that boy deserved SO MUCH BETTER!!! I think the score for this one was also incredible, and it was a super fun musical!!! It didn't permanently fuck up my brain and ruin my life like I was afraid it would, which disappointed me at first honestly, but it's nice to have a hatchetfield story that doesn't result in the immediate end of the world (although grace is totally gonna fuck shit up let's be honest).

Also I LOVE Nightmare Time. So much. Especially characters like Miss Holloway??? She. Is. EVERYTHING. Killer Track and Time Bastard are probably some of my favourite episodes, and I just think the effort put into the writing and editing and everything about nightmare time is just awesome. Hoping we get more down the line ✨🙏✨

I've also watched some of AVPM but I don't think I finished it. HOWEVER, Granger Danger is a certified BANGER and is also everything to me.

Thank you for coming to my TED BOOGtalk

[only-lonely-lovers]

07.24.2022

tags: dubcon, peeing during sex

notes: it is time to discuss hanako-san of the bathroom

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

あ：Do you-- like do you think that Nene has to repress the fact that she's ever used this bathroom & do you think she decidedly uses bathrooms like on the other side of the school or something

つ：i think she considers asking him about if he's seen her before or remembers her when she started at this school but she has to be like. i cant handle the answer to that actually

あ：Your brain instantly takes you to a day you took a bad dump or something and cried

つ：i do think its a, don't play where you work, situation. I must use different bathroom. we need to maintain an illusion of some kind.

あ：Can't like pee and talk to Hanako during breaks or anything. which is a shame

つ：LIKE SHE CAN'T BE THINKING ABOUT EVERY HUMILIATING BATHROOM TIME girls be eating they lunches in there and like crying and stuff, you know. she be dealing with her first period and trying to scrub blood off her dress…

hanako im sure watches her tawddle off to pee and is like, such a prude nene is….

あ：If that's how it's going to be……………………….. [acts wounded]

つ：I would be fascinated if Hanako had any sort of memory of Nene, but I think he did see people as indistinct blurrs. but all themore reason to just casually perv? I do think its been distilled to like [spaces out, smacks lips] oh this girl's shaved a shape in…. I wouldn't expect that.

[half-lidded] wow, nobody at this school knows this girl is like that. damn those panties are wet. she must have been fantasizing all day. [expressionless]

あ：I have always gotten the impression Hanako is uhhh so not valuing people as individuals its totally possible he has seen Nene before. I mean even when he was getting to know her I think he really saw her as little more than. well like idk her pea eyed fish form. spiritually My respect for you. as if you were just this 🎣

The fact is even a nice memory with Nene in the past is just soo long ago and a blip, only 1 night at tanabata, and he can't retain. i think seeing her at school is like nothing the uniform is a blur At most later he'd be like fuck…. wait that day. when i was looking at a stall and noticed a girls fat ankles

つ：the girls become just a sort of fetish concept. thisis the 1 thing about nene like looking at pussies and panties… nene's got some sort of skull and bones panties. its like oh… funny. uh huh… jesus her legs

あ：[just perched here like a gargoyle seeing]

つ：you can only hope that once or twice he did some kind of spectral thing if he were able, like spookily blow a door a little or some crap. [makes your pee stop] i do this

あ：Not me processing that earlier today i was thinking about Nene peeing during sex

つ：hmmmmmm

あ：today had a theme. FUCK I was the pee pervert

つ：it'd be so easy for nene to be so like WAIT, STOP… HANAKO-KUN and him to be like mmmnooooo no chance. sorryyyyyy. and

あ：Right. This is the thing. no stop doesnt mean anything wjrhgf and she couldn't be like I'M GOING TO. I think it's like frog in throat. but like crying. CMONGH DFJLGH

つ：no way could she say it distinctly. no way

あ：but then it happens and. I mean it's kind of your worst nightmare because he's gonna be like Ohhh……… if he was fingering you its like [spreads your pussy with other fingers]

つ：so thats why… this isn't a good reason to stop.

あ：It's the sort of thing where only later will Nene have to be like. I fucking guess i am fuckign with. hanako of the bathroom.

つ：if anything, psychologically very nice to see Nene's pee sink into the slats of wood and run down the floor. It is my domain and this is my girl

あ：You knowww that's what I wanna see

So often it is Hanako being like ugh sigh rolls eyes… at things Nene and Tsukasa wants, I think it ought to flip for a sec where Nene is like. ofmg. pee pervert hanako-kun!!!!!

つ：it would dawn on her quickly and feel like. donk

あ：sheesh!!!!

つ：BATHROOM…!!! he's so openly like. I succumbed to lust. he's fine with being seen as pee guy

あ：Lol yes In that way its basically canon

つ：he's so far from being like, ew don't be like that.. instead he's like oh you know

あ：tfw. if tsukasa was also there it'd just be two stupid boys being like oh nice

つ：never seen it come out so close before and so open

あ：The objectification. That hanako puts a girl through. where if he was like penetrating he would pull out but hold her by the hips and keep her hovered above, want to feel it drip down over cock. mm yes…. now this i like.

I will teach Tsukasa the opposite of respecting women What Hanako doesn't know is it's like his karma to be the one to pee self in any instances of past shennanies

つ：mmmmmmm pee… if she attempted to stop/freeze at doing it once she fully grasped what was going on, he'd just shove at her and get insistent. Poor nene, it's a gauntlet….

あ：goes. oh cmonnn…. yashiro. [rubs pussy] i'm sorry it is a gauntlet. the way this is a one-sided affair Your mortal body so novel

つ：sadly very vital that Hanako have ego trips of embarrassing her for his pleasure… but he takes joy in the aftercare, too. its the condescension yet care he can lay on thick…. and his willingness to lean into being your sick pervert boy

like ah, you think this isn't what I would want…? Why would you be embarrassed…. I want to see it. It feels good. Nobody else will ever see you like this.

あ：Uhuhm… Bullyish but also cooing excessively, petting… Purring voice talking you through this, but also not stopping anything. ah… you know. I wish Nene could think to compare him to Tsukasa when he's like this… when you get all❤

つ：they are extremely similar when soothing another!

あ：Boys who will creepily run their hands all over you

I do think Hanako just as much likes to watch her cry and then comfort her after… you like inducing all the emotions

[theskywaslookingback]

tma fic recs please ? 🤲🏽

Oooooo yes! I never get asks like this, thank you!

[my tumblr fic recs tag is here for browsing]

I had to put it under a cut because it got...entirely too long barely half an hour into making it, sorry.

Under 5k

means of cartharsis by orphan_account [G] [965]

“You’d think – you’d that at this point nightmares would be second nature for me, hm?” Martin says, forcing a smile even as he tugs the blanket tighter around his trembling shoulders.

It’s meant to be a bit funny. Instead of laughing, though, Jon frowns.

“No,” he says simply, and matter-of-factly wipes the moisture from Martin’s cheeks with a tissue like he’s a crying child.

A Proper Sleepover by Goodluckdetective (scorpiantales) [T] [1.4k]

In a different world, one where Elias is not waiting for them outside the Lonely, everyone has a chance to savor a moment of respite. As much as they can get these days. If only to talk about things that long need to be spoken.

“Basira says we should all sleep in the same room tonight,” Jon says without looking up. “Safer. So we can keep an eye out for intruders and also each other.”

“So we’re having a proper sleepover then?”

Jon scoffs. “Technically we’ve been having a proper one for months.”

where i go, when i go there by rainny_days [T] [1.7k]

Martin wants Jon to hold his hand. Martin doesn't want Jon to hold his hand.

It's complicated.

all the other ways by AptlyNamed [G] [2.2k]

Jon loses his first soul mark when he is eight years old.

a palace from ruin by bibliocratic [G] [2.2k]

"What're you sorry for?” Martin asks.

“I should have asked,” Jon says finally. “I'd never.... you were always so private about him, so I mean, at first I wasn't sure he was even yours, but then – when you, when you went with Peter, and I – he was so small, and I thought he was h-half-dead. S-so I picked him up and I carried him. And I'm sorry.”

interiors by doomcountry [T] [2.7k]

In the doorway, he fumbles with his keys. Their sound is loud in the silent stairwell. You don’t remember getting here.

searching for a light (for a right) by Kalgalen [T] [2.7k]

Some people make the mistake of assuming he's naive about sex, for the simple reason he hasn't dated in a while. Tim has called him a prude, at one point, and implied that he was somehow afraid of the intimacy required by the act; he wasn’t entirely wrong, but this definitely isn’t the reason for Jon's disinterest and general bafflement toward what most people seemed to consider as "what makes them human".

Jon simply hasn't found the right person. That is all it is: high standards, and a reticence to let people in.

(In which Jon finds out society is wrong about what a romantic relationship should be.)

how to plant a garden in rocky soil by treeprince [T] [2.9k]

Sometimes you just need a good pair of hands to work out all the kinks in your life.

Good thing Martin has two.

A Weather In The Flesh by cuttooth [G] [3k]

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

*

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

I'll bring the motion by callmearctus [T] [3.1k]

A long series of kidnappings and international flights leaves its own special mark on someone. Before the Unknowing, Jon is a mess.

Martin helps.

A Bread Made In Heaven by Againstme [G] [3.3k]

Martin moves over and watches how his boyfriend handles the dough. He's awkward with it, tentative and gentle, as if he's scared of hurting it somehow.

"Is this, uh, am I doing this right?" Jon asks, still slowly stretching out the dough and folding it onto itself.

"Well," he says shifting closer to Jon again, "you could be applying more pressure. Here, let me help you out, dear."

Martin moves fully behind Jon, and reaches around him, putting his hands on top of his boyfriend's. Jon inhales sharply, but doesn't say anything else, just lets Martin's hand rest on top of his.

Martin's hands are bigger, but not big enough to entirely envelop the other's hands, and Jon's hands are much, much warmer than his own are. To see what they're doing, Martin moves his head to look over Jon's shoulder. Though he can't see his boyfriend's face from this angle, he can see how it is slowly growing red at the edge of his vision. He decides not to tease him on it, instead content with letting a smile spread across his face and slowly guiding their joined hands in the proper motion.

Or, Martin teaches Jon how to make bread.

stumbling and spinning by lady_mab [G] [3.3k]

“Things happened,” Jon says demurely, trying to untangle Gerry’s fingers, but it only results in him getting pulled in so Gerry can kiss him properly. “It’s not all that bad.”

“I suppose not,” Gerry says with a sigh, sitting back upright. “You somehow managed to snag an incredible boyfriend out of it.”

It takes a solid few seconds before realization clicks in Martin’s brain. “You mean me?” [...]

“You have to admit, Jon has great tastes,” Gerry teases.

nothing sweeter than local honey by beeclaws [T] [3.4k]

So Tim is content, one arm leaned into the spray, waiting for the water to warm, enjoying the feeling of homecoming underneath the gentle fuzz of jetlag, when he hears gasping, panicked breaths coming from the other room.

Tim and Jon, in the aftermath, relearning how to be okay.

When Words are Inadequate by Mugatu [T] [3.8k]

Meals and the preparation of are, for want of a better word, informative. Fact gathering. A place where they can fill in the gaps of their knowledge of the other.

Jon cooks for Martin, and they learn more about each other.

go softly by doomcountry [T] [4k]

And there is nothing else besides this.

Imago by cuttooth [T] [4k]

“Jon?” he asks tentatively, tightening his grip around the poker as it slips against his sweaty palm. The antennae twitch, and suddenly Martin knows that it’s Jon, the knowledge sliding into his mind in a surge of desperate affection, the same profound love he felt that first time he truly saw Jon in the fog of the Lonely.

“Oh,” he whispers. “It really is you.”

*

Jon changes, but he’s still the same to Martin.

shoreline by bibliocratic [G] [4.1k]

“Martin," Tim says kindly, tipsily, only mildly slurring. "Dearest, dearest Martin. You're wankered, babe. Last train to Stockwell fucked off hours ago because it is now piss off o'clock in the morning, and there's a sofa with your exact name on it at my place. Thought you said you wanted some handsome fellow to take you back to his tonight?”

Or: The OG Archive crew go drinking, Martin comes out, and gets some well deserved TLC. In that order.

get your epitaph right by bibliocratic [G] [4.2k]

Martin's daemon has tried on the shape of dogs and lizards and snakes and horses, and even – once, when he was younger and Mum took him to the seaside, a fish.

Martin's never seen his soul in the dressing of a spider before.

i've known the warmth of your doorways by beeclaws [T] [4.2k]

'I’m always in pain, Jon wants to say, even as he dismisses the thought as melodramatic. Between his growing collection of old wounds and scar tissue, the supernatural hunger for statements that hasn’t been truly satiated in months, and the unpredictable aches and strains his body threw off day by day long before he ever set foot in the Institute, some level of pain and discomfort follows Jon wherever he goes now. He is used to being in pain. He’s not used to someone holding his hand as he suffers through it.'

Jon catalogs the comforts he receives, and wonders how long he will be allowed to keep them.

lay down your weary head by Zykaben [T] [4.6k]

Jon has been running himself ragged, searching for every scrap of information he can possibly find about the Unknowing. He's exhausted and sleep-deprived but he can't bring himself to take a break, not now.

Luckily, Tim and Martin are there to make sure that their boyfriend gets the care and rest he needs.

only the sweetest words remain by bluejayblueskies [T] [4.6k]

This isn't how things are supposed to go, right? Jon remembers those ratty paperbacks from the charity shops, dime-a-dozen romance novels with broken bindings and yellowing pages and words that spoke of love and passion and sexuality in prose that was more than a bit too mature for someone whose age hadn’t yet reached double digits. Stolen glances turn into dinner dates turn into passionate kisses turn into…

Well, he’d never actually read those parts of the books, because it had all seemed so deeply uncomfortable and gross. But he got the picture.

Or, Jonathan Sims, on being loved

5k-20k

and they keep not letting go by Marianne_Dashwood [G] [5k]

It’s an electric feeling, something strange and new and familiar all at once, even though he has been holding Martin’s hand for most of the day. His stomach swoops, like he is standing on the edge of the precipice of realisation and staring into the void of unknowing. But at the same time, he does know. In this instant of contact between them, the last few years of cups of tea and small smiles and momentary glances, of panic and fear and only feeling safe with Martin’s solid presence in the room, despite his paranoia, rush into him, and oh, oh oh.

ready to call this love by yewgrove [G] [5.6k]

How is Martin supposed to tell Jon that he panicked, stupidly, when the lovely old lady down the village asked him what they were doing in this part of the world? Got the shopping! Oh, by the way, we're married now! Whole village thinks we're on our honeymoon, hope you don't mind!

Prenons-nous la main by luftballons99 [T] [6k]

They still haven't talked about it, any of it, not even to pass the time on the long train ride to Scotland. Instead, Martin fell asleep in the seat next to him, pressed into his side from shoulder to knee, and Jon thought about love confessions and verb tense and how the two fit together when you think you're dying.

or: Good cows, mediocre poetry, and other crucial topics of discussion.

This Must Be The Place by cuttooth [T] [6k]

“You said – you said we were going home,” Martin says softly.

“I did,” says Jon, and is grateful that Martin doesn’t comment on him calling the Archives home. “I – I don’t really know where to go. I, uh, I don’t have a flat anymore, I don’t think. We could find a hotel?”

“Let’s go to my place,” says Martin. His hand squeezes Jon’s, more gently than before. Most importantly, Jon notes, he doesn’t let go.

*

Jon and Martin go home for a little while.

Small Things, Simple Acts by ZaliaChimera [T] [6.6k]

Even after leaving London, Jon and Martin are not free, not really. Maybe they never will be.

But for now they can be themselves, and maybe in the end, that's enough.

house by tomatoes [G] [9k]

Martin can take care of himself.

roses, roses, roses by acetheticallyy (judesstfrancis) [T] [9.3k]

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses.

a deeply annoying child by ajkal2 [G] [9.6k]

Jon is hiding under the desk.

----

There's a child in the Archives, who shouldn't be there.

Inseparable by voiceless_terror [T] [10.3k]

“You can stay.” The voice interrupts his internal panic, and he looks over to find Jon studiously avoiding his gaze, staring hard at a neighboring bush. Martin wonders what caused his sudden change of heart. “But you have to sit on the other side. And don’t talk to me.”

Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood meet as children. Some things change, others do not.

i'm almost me again, you're almost you by gruhukens [G] [12k]

After a second Jon steps in towards him, close enough that Martin flinches, but all Jon does is put two fingers under his chin with his free hand and raise it until Martin can’t duck away. Jon has never touched him so casually before – at least, not until today, and it raises a lot of thoughts and feelings that Martin is trying very hard not to process.

Much like a lot of other things that have happened, he thinks. Not that it’s horrible or terrifying or numbing like everything else has been: it’s just another thing on the list of things he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with.

---

In the wake of the Lonely, there's a lot that Martin doesn't really want to think about.

hello my old heart by firebirdsuite [T] [15.8k]

Peter’s wrong, of course. When it’s all over, Martin does still want to tell Jon everything. It’s just—well, there’s a few things they need to work through first before they can get there.

Martin and Jon find each other again in Scotland.

Over 20k

The Kindness of Strangers by TheOestofOCs [M] [23k]

It was easier to treat Jon like a monster when he wasn’t shivering against his back, brokenly humming—wait, was that…

“Are you trying to do ‘Hey, Jude’?” Tim demanded.

Jon stopped, stiffening. “Mm hrmh mm mmh hm,” he said defensively.

“You really can’t hold a tune, can you, boss?”

*

It was just an ordinary walk to a restaurant. Tim had insisted that if they were going to talk, there would be no tape recorders or weird Archives ghosts listening in. A bit of fresh air wouldn’t kill him, Tim had said. What could go wrong?

By the time Jon spots the white delivery van, it’s much too late.

The Stranger kidnaps Jon. Tim comes along for the ride.

Misjudged by ShastaFirecracker [T] [36.5k]

Martin's been a longtime listener of What the Ghost, so when Georgie gives a shoutout to her flatmate's Twitch channel during a Q&A, he checks it out - only to discover that her flatmate is also his most terrifying coworker at his new job. The first time they crossed paths, Jon yelled at him for incompetence. But on the streams, Martin sees an entirely different person - someone fun and relaxed, engaging and unfairly attractive. Over time, Martin begins to find that Jon buried inside his dour, awkward coworker. He also learns to live with the fact that his crush is painfully one-sided... or is it?

if we make it through the night everyone is gonna hear us (Series) by skvadern [Ratings Vary] [42.4k]

In which Sasha survives the NotThem (with a little help from a certain Distortion) and she and Jon spend s2 working together to try and make sense of everything that's happening to them. It goes...interestingly

the garden of forking paths by bibliocratic [T] [49.7k]

Whatever he had predicted might happen, Jon wasn't expecting to survive upon demolishing the Panopticon. He certainly wasn't expecting to be rescued.

Instead, he wakes up in an alternative universe where he's never been the Archivist, and Martin Blackwood doesn't exist.

Martin Blackwood wakes up somewhere else entirely.

it's only forever by lady_mab [T] [50.9k]

“The castle at the center of the labyrinth,” Jon breathes, recalling again the words from one of the past conversations with Martin. “He’s there.”

“Turn back, Jonathan,” the Goblin King says, and Jon is surprised to hear a slight edge of desperation in the tone. “Turn back before it’s too late.”

“I can’t,” Jon answers with the same tone. “You know that I can’t.”

The Goblin King’s grin is gone completely, and he regards Jon with a degree of pity before that melts into resignation.

Yesterday is Here by CirrusGrey [T] [53.3k]

"Who the hell are you?" Jon could feel his hands shaking. The man laughed, taking a step forward and raising a hand to point at him. "I'm you, from the future!" he said, then swayed, eyes going unfocused, and collapsed to the floor in a dead faint. -------- Post-season-four Jon and Martin time travel back to the season one Archives.

A Home For What Loves You by TheWrongShop [T] [151k]

It was completely fine that Jon was following up on this very normal, non-supernatural statement at midnight on a Friday. He was going to find nothing at all, and then he was going to go home and sleep for fourteen straight hours and feel absolutely no qualms about moving case #0150409 directly into the filing cabinet marked "discredited".

Or; Jon and Martin end up investigating Carlos Vittery's basement and finding the entity formerly known as Jane Prentiss together.

RATED E *MINORS DNI*

A Look And A Voice by cuttooth [E] [6.9k]

“Do you want to have sex with me?” Jon asks bluntly, and for a second Martin can’t breathe.

“It - it doesn’t matter what I - ” he begins valiantly, before Jon interrupts him.

“Because I want to have sex with you, and frankly it doesn’t matter if you think it’s for the wrong reasons. I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions. The only thing that matters is if you want to as well.”

*

Martin meets a guy in a bar and takes him home.

Warms The Coldest Night by cuttooth [E] [11k]

"Flame that warms the coldest night Bring to us the waxing Light, Be with us on Solstice Night." Gypsy - Bring Back The Light

There is mistletoe hanging in the doorway to the Archives when Jon gets in.

Curiosity by ShastaFirecracker [E] [11.6k]

“You know that conversation we had the other day about how one of the most important things for queer youth to learn is that it's okay to change their minds, because identity and self-discovery are always fluid?”

Behind him, Martin slipped oven mitts over his hands and pulled open the oven door. The scent of garlic and rosemary flooded the kitchen. “Yeah?” he said.

“I, um... I'd like to revisit the topic of sex.”

At the Interim (Series) by Rend_Herring [E] [41k]

A Measure Outside the Lines and The Residuum

triptych (Series) by Stacicity [E] [44.9k]

A collection of Jon/Tim/Martin fics

a steady hand, a delicate man by callmearctus [E] [52.8k]

Martin is the proprietor and manager of a very discrete and fairly exclusive brothel situated between Belgravia and Chelsea. Blackwood House excels at special requests and pleasing any client.

Except for Jon, who probably has never been pleased a day in his entire life.

Despite that, he still comes back. It eventually begs the question: how do you solve a problem like Jon Sims?

[afantoanything]

Girl Prospect

Pairing: Mayans Mc x Reader

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 878

Ps: This is my first imagine that I have wrote..

It is hard to be prospect especially knowing that you're basically a fucking maid. I never thought the day that I was going to be part of a male biker gang with just being the only female who would have known am I right. They underestimate me because I was “girl” which some bull only if they have known what I had been through in my early life then maybe they will think different but they won’t because your girl doesn't like the fact saying her business where I was from they raised me that way “Keep your secrets to yourself because you can’t trust no one” but also no one needs to be in my business mind your own but sometimes I did wonder how would they react if they knew who I really was in the inside…

“Hey Girl Scout over here with two beers” Angel said to me and Angel had some weird thing. I mean he is good looking and he knows it but Angel was also funny and sweet is just that I know how he is with women so I just stay away because I’m not trying to get my heartbroken again.So  I walked over to him with the two beers.

“Here anything else” 

“Yeah let me take you out Querida” grabbing my wrist while biting his bottom lip looking at me. A part of me was like “girl if you don’t get on him” but then another part of me was like “nah sis he finna fuck up your heart so back and walk away”. So what part should I listen to…

“Take me out where Angel” looking down at him while he grabs my wrist turning it around and seeing the ink that was on.  “I don’t know you tell me Mi Dulce” Looking at me with that smug smile that can make a woman's panties fall off her legs. He knows what he is doing. This isn’t his first time doing this to any woman but  I ain’t or at least I think I’m not but I know how to get out of this.

“Angel don’t you have Adelita” pulling my wrist away from his hand and walking away leaving him speechless but then I was bumped with someone and spilling their beer on me like damn people can’t see how they are walking.

 “I’m sorry y/n” 

“Hey man, look where you are-” looking at the shirt and then looking up to the person that I bumped into Ezekiel.

 “Y/nn I’m sorry hey let me help you get cleaned up” 

“No, it's fine” I said nervously looking at him with a smile on his face with those dimples that he has.

 “Come on I messed up your shirt it’s the least I can do”

“Well my shirt is pretty wet and I don’t want to smell beer” “Oh you can wear one of shirts” He said, grabbing my wrist and leading me outside to his trailer but when I turned my head to the side I saw the jealousy that Angel had in his eyes which I didn’t seem to get. Once we got to Ez trailer he opened the door for me and let me in.

“If you mind me asking if it is comfy to live here” I said looking around the small trailer which it was nice...I mean at least he has it organized but too organized I wonder why. I turned to him and saw him finding a shirt for me to wear.

“It’s really sweet of you doing this some people would just ignore it and walk away” leaning to the counter and seeing him find a shirt but Lord Jesus those arms in action like damn how those this man not have girl because If I was his girl would never stop ridin-

“Y/nnn here you go” giving me the shirt that he was looking for me.

“Ohh thank you” grabbing the shirt from his hand while touching his hand slightly and feeling the warmness of his hand. 

“I’m going to turn around so you can change” turning around away from me

“Wow you're a prude” while taking shirt off and hearing him chuckle making me smile knowing that I did that.

“ Sorry I’m just respectful to women”

“As you should” that was something that I did like from Ez. He is a respectful guy that sometimes that you don’t find often besides him just being fine you know. Finally putting the shirt on it looked like a dress on me.

“You can turn around now prude”

“Wow you look good with my clothes” smiling at me

 “Thank you” I said looking down at my shoes and smiling like some idiot knowing that I would never be with him or any guy knowing guys don’t go for girls like me..

“Hey I’ll tell bishop that your feeling sick so you can leave and  let Steve take care of the bar alright”

 “Oh thanks see you tomorrow” I said going up to him kissing his cheek leaving him speechless walking out. Going to my bike and turning it on leaving letting the road take me to my destination. Just thinking on how this is leading to with my life.. 

[kitty-otome]

MY FAVORITE VOLTAGE MC’S

i am huge on mc’s. i think the impact an mc has on a story’s enjoyability is so underestimated.

the level of intolerability an mc possesses can literally make or break a game for me and i’m really picky when it comes to mc’s. usually i don’t really relate with any of them, most of them annoy me, however there are some mc’s that i actually like. so here’s a list of my top five mc’s!

5. ERA OF SAMURAI: CODE OF LOVE

the mc of era of samurai: code of love is one of the few mc’s that actually goes through a bit of character development throughout the story.

from the very beginning, it’s obvious to readers that she’s a very intelligent, caring and dedicated girl. she literally thought herself medicine using only a few books and runs the only clinic in town all by herself, i mean, if that isn’t impressive, i don’t know what is. she’s also quite brave, protecting the weak from bad guys, confronting samurais with weapons, running into brawls to save the one she loves... the girl isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.

however, she is a little whiny at times (her levels of whininess fluctuates between stories), and she’s definitely more introverted than average and although i don’t mind it too much, i understand how some could find it annoying, which is why she’s at the bottom of the list.

4. OUR PRIVATE HOMEROOM

the mc from our private homeroom is incredibly realistic, which is a good and a bad thing.

she’s funny, she’s sarcastic and she’s very diligent, traits you’d find in many if not most high school aged girls. her lines are very realistic (and incredibly funny/relatable) and it actually feels like a high schooler is talking, which is an impressive feat considering how notoriously hard adolescents are to write.

however, she also has negative traits which are commonly seen in teenage girls, she can be impulsive, forgetful, emotional and irrational at times. although the authors probably purposely gave her those traits, they still made me feel frustrated with her at times.

3. BE MY PRINCESS

next up is the mc from be my princess. god, who doesn’t love this mc? i mean just look at how edward is looking at her in the cg above! he’s totally in love with her and literally nobody blames him.

she’s the perfect mix of down to earth, sweet and badass. she’s kind to everyone but if someone crosses her boundaries she will call them out on it. she’s really patient without being a pushover, which i love. she’s also a total baddie, although she has this calm aura to her, the girl isn’t afraid to throw hands or stand up to the weak when it’s necessary. she’s just so realistic, i love her.

2. 10 DAYS WITH MY DEVIL

the mc from 10 days with my devil is so funny! she has such a cool and confident attitude, she just radiates baddie all around. she has a bit of sass to her which i adore, i find her so funny! additionally, she isn’t afraid to speak her piece, she’s pretty fearless and will call it like it is. if she wants something, she goes for it!

also, she doesn’t act overly innocent or prude, which i really like because it’s a theme you see a lot in voltage mc’s that i really don’t like. nothing against innocent girls, but sometimes they’re just too much. like some mc’s (who are in the mid twenties by the way) will be too sheepish to kiss their boyfriends, who’ve they’ve been with for like a month, like girl... girls are allowed to be confident and sexy too, y’a know?

oh and, the girl’s really street smart, which i admire a lot.

1. MASQUERADE KISS

i’m not kidding when i say that i read masquerade kiss exclusively for the mc. she’s amazing!

i’ll be honest with you, i’m not particularly attached to any of the masquerade kiss love interests, but the mc however...

she’s a total badass, i mean the girl is a spy and unlike the other working voltage mc’s, she’s actually incredible at her job. she’s intelligent, she’s strategic, she’s seductive, she’s got it all! she also confident and she has a little sass, which is truly the icing on the cake.

and despite that, she still comes off as really cool, down to earth, relatable even, which is incredible and honestly unexpected. when i began reading masquerade kiss, i didn’t expect her to be relatable because well... she’s a spy, but no! her actions and choices are very logical and some i would make too. plus, her commentary in situations? super relatable.

[zhousye]

Talk About Me @ jamie

a conversation between my muse and someone else about yours @dcrktides

status: accepting!

"so how's the 'finding a husband, wife or spouse' agenda going?"

it’s jesse who asks first. because of course it is. but interest lights up jennie’s eyes, like she’s been waiting for someone to bring it up. chances are, they’ve both been waiting for him to bring it up.

jamie scoffs.

“didn’t you say you were seeing someone?” jennie asks, unaffected. “what’s his name again...”

“kaan?”

“kaan! yes, that one.”

despite himself, jamie feels a smile tug at the corner of his lips. “yeah, we’re actually... still going on dates and stuff, i guess.”

now, now he has his siblings’ attention. they stare at him like he’s a movie screen and they’re eager for some entertainment, for a story to finally unfold and lift them from their boredom. “it’s nothing serious yet,” he rushes to correct the thoughts he knows are running through their minds. “we're... we're taking it slow, getting to know each other. he's busy too, so. but... i'm optimistic about it. i think..."

he doesn't wanna say he thinks kaan is the one. he doesn't believe in such things, in that implication that someone is made for you. but it's the words burning at the tip of his tongue. even if for solely poetic value. he's the one. but it's too soon. 

he’s still said too much, however. of course. of course he didn’t need to utter those words out loud for his siblings to hear them clear as day, judging by their matching smiles, the look they exchange. “i take it’s going well, then? and you’re happy?” jennie arches an eyebrow, and she still has that look on. 

deep down, jamie trusts his siblings have real trust and concern for his happiness and well-being. but he, too, can hear what they leave unsaid.

they wanna hear about him.

he rolls his eyes. and takes the bait. it is simply convenient, for, matter of fact, jamie wants to talk about him.

“it has... i am,” he doesn’t hold back the smile now; accepts the warm, giddy feeling in his chest. “he... ah, he’s so great,” and now the smile is showing teeth. “he’s so funny. and fun. he’s really playful, but sweet too. he’s... nice,” jamie concludes. such a polysemic word seems adequate. it’s the best one he can find. he’s never been a poet, a master with words. it’s a given that he’ll grossly understate just what a person kaan is, but he still tries. “it’s... comfortable with him. he’s easy to talk to. and he’s undertanding. even about... you know...,” the fact that jamie is a little behind on the ‘sex with men’ department, the fact he’s still learning. the fact he’s still unlearning so many biases and misconceptions and gut reactions he has rooted in him. but kaan doesn’t seem to mind when jamie asks what he could do better. he doesn’t seem to mind he isn’t perfect at it.

he truly doesn’t seem to mind that jamie isn’t perfect at everything. and this isn’t only about the sex. which is why it means the world.

he swallows all of that down. those thoughts seem to heavy to be spoken out loud.

“and he’s so hot,” he groans instead, slamming his hand over his forehead.then, matter of factly, "beautiful tits."

"oh, shut uuuuup,” he hears jennie protest, whining as if a prude. he cackles. but jesse agrees. “yeah, if you’re not gonna share, don’t mention it.”

it’s not funny anymore. jamie glares at him. “go after men your age, won’t you?”

jesse waves his head no like a brat. no surprise. 

jamie ignores him “anyway... it’s been nice. oh, he’s a yoga teacher. and a fashionista.” he turns to jennie, “i think you’ll get along well.” his voice is unusually soft. the idea warms his chest: introducing kaan to his family. what is that, again? 5th base or something? he would like that, he realised. and maybe, maybe, hopefully, he would have it. “and we seem to want the same things, or at least he seems willing, you know?” he remembers to mention. marriage, is what he means. a family. an actual relationship; not a fling, but something to nurture for years to come. to hold hands and grow old together, he thinks to himself, and has to take a moment to wonder when did he absorb all the chinese classic poetry, when did he become the person that recites it.

surely, it’s all dad’s fault. he himself is not becoming cheesy now.

“so we’re meeting him, right?” jesse interrupts his track of thought, sounding a little too eager.

“hey, what did i say? we’re... taking things slow. we really have to spend more time together, and... he can’t always stay the night, you know?” jamie isn’t bothered. he isn’t. he’s not in a rush. kaan will tell him what he wants to tell him about himself when he feels like telling him. it’s fine, jamie repeats over and over in his mind. they’re in this to respect each other and their time. “and we still have a lot to learn about each other. but... i hope so,” he concludes. lets the bittersweet feeling die down, lets his mind wander to a happier, more certain future. lets himself do just that. hope. “i really hope so.”

[mashupxreader]

Little Buddy

This is Little Buddy #2 

Little Buddy Chapter 1 

Hello, love bugs.

Din Djanin X Fem Reader 

Warnings - Talk of sex, drinking and drugs, swears but that's just because I like to swear.

Summary - Never have I ever in the void of space. 

"The little green bean is finally asleep." You said, throwing yourself into the seat off to the Mandalorians left. "You wouldn't think it from his cute little face but he sure can cry."

"If you would stop telling him you stole his nose he wouldn't cry so much," Mando said dryly as he continued to flip switches and monitor gages.

"But that pouty face is so cute. Does he make your mothering instincts come out too?" At this point, you had been on the ship with Mando and the kid for about two weeks. The start of everything was a little awkward. Mando is not much of a talker and is usually all business. You like to think; however, you have started to break him so that he talks a little more. Maybe it was the fact that you never shut up or that you were not used to the complete quiet of space, but he seemed to be fine with your chatting.

"You can go to bed if you want we have a while before we're close to the next planet." Mando let out a sigh. He was thankful for your extra help but switching off between using the little bunk and the chairs to sleep in wasn't the best.

"I'm not tired yet." You said, tapping your fingers on the armrest. "Do you want to play a game?" Mando turned to you, but you couldn't tell if he was amused by your suggestion or annoyed. "I will take your silence as a yes. Have you played never have I ever?"

"No." Mando got up in sat in the seat to the side of you.

"Oh, it's simple. So you say something crazy like never have I ever stolen a space ship I'm assuming you have and then if you have usually you would take a drink. But I guess if we have done it we will have to give a little back story to it. Consider this an ice breaker boss." Mando was silent, like always. Some days you swear he does it just to see how long you make it before having to fill the awkward silence. Then his modulated voice spoke up.

"I'll go first." You were surprised Mando was so willing to play, but then again it's not like it's that exciting out in space. "Never have I ever blacked out while drinking." You went to say never then realized that yes you had.

"I have but in my defence I was young and stupid okay?" You cross your arms, thinking about your question. "Here ill go easy on you." You say looking over at his stiff posture. Did the man ever just relax all of his muscles? "Never have I ever broken someone's nose. I will say I have broken some guys arm when he was trying to get with me but really it was his fall that did him in." Mando gave you a look. Yes, it was through the helmet, but it was a look none the less. "Stop rolling your eyes at me!"

"I broke the last five bounties noses y/n." Pftt did he even have a funny bone? No, he probably broke it. You weren't able to think of something sassy to say as he was already asking you a new question.

"I have but I want to know if you have. Have you ever been kicked out of a cantina?" You looked down, smiling.

"Which time?" You say with a laugh. "The worst was when I snuck in and was drinking random drinks that were left around. Thinking back now that's disgusting and I'm shocked I didn't get poisoned." You mad a face and stuck out your tongue. You weren't sure if tongues can remember tastes, but when you think about that memory, you could swear you can only think about all the random people's spit you have swallowed. Mando made a disgusted sound hearing your memory, and you honestly couldn't blame him.

"Okay enough about the nasty things I have done in order to get buzzed. Let me think I need a good one. I am going to take advantage of this." You tapped at your chin, making your silence more dramatic. "Ha. I got one! Never have I ever had sex with a sex worker." Mando was quiet for a second before speaking up.

"Is this where I say I have?" You looked at him in shock with your mouth open. Maker, you wish you could see his reaction under that helmet.

"No fucking way! I don't believe you. You are a hardcore Mandalorian. You can't have sex with random ladies!" Suddenly you found yourself sitting up ready to hear more about this.

"The creed says we are not allowed to show our faces. But there is nothing that says we can't blow off some steam." Mando leans back mirroring your posture. You were sure he had a smug smile on his face. Suddenly this game became very interesting.

"I suppose. Do you blow off steam often?" You used finger quotes around blow off steam secretly hoping you didn't sound too nosy.

"Every once in a while. Not since I have had the kid with me. There is a lady on Nevarro who understands my terms. Get in get out and keep the helmet on."

"Wow you sure know how to please the ladies," you said with a little laugh. Mando tilts his head at you, surely giving a look.

"Are you questioning my abilities? Because I can please women. When I pay for sex it's for my enjoyment." You gave a little look and an understanding nod. That was fair; it's not like he technically had to be concerned about their enjoyment.

"Okay, Your turn again." You say with a nod your towards Mando trying to play it cool like your mind wasn't completely blown about the new thing you have learned about Mando.

"Never have I ever had sex in public." You didn't realize that this game of never have I ever was going to go in this direction. Then again have you ever played a game of never have I ever and it not go to places like this?

"I have," you say with a smirk and a blush at the memory. "We were sneaking around and being horny teens it didn't matter where or when what mattered was that it was happening. When you were a teen were you sneaking around having sex with other Mandalorians?" Mando pauses thinking for a second.

"I wasn't. I kept to myself more than anything. Lots of other people were. I didn't do anything until I was much older." You wondered what younger Mando was like. It didn't surprise you that he stuck to himself. You could relate to that in a way. When you were younger, your dad was busy with his business, so it was mostly just you. Well just you until you started to rebel as a teen. Boys, drinking and other substances became a bit of the norm. You were sure that a therapist would say it was some type of escapism but this wasn’t the time to reflect on your childhood.

"So when you do please ladies what do you do about the helmet? I mean I'm sure you want to have your lips on your partner." You were straying from the game, but curiosity was going to kill the womp rat. Mando was somewhat open about his life, and you were going to take what you could before he became quiet again.

"Blind fold. It's a work around." that was said so matter of factly like he almost couldn't believe you didn't think of that yourself. "Why are you so curious as to my sexual endeavors?" It was a fair question why were you so concerned about what Mando did on his own time?

"I guess I just thought you were a bit of a prude to be honest." He laughed. He actually gave you a genuine chuckle. This brought a smile to your face. That was the first time in the weeks with him that you heard him do that. Why did your stomach flutter at that? Stop it y/n pull yourself together he's just a dude. A dude you assumed had a nice body from all the strength he needs to catch his bounties. No. Mando is not giving you butterflies.

"Well this was fun but i'm going to take the bed if you are going to stay up longer." Mando stood before turning to go down the ladder the metal making clunking sounds against his boots. Just like that, he was gone. Leaving you there to sit in all the information he gave you. I mean sure it's not like he gave you info like his back story but he was so willing to just tell the truth. Usually, people need liquor for that.

You leaned back against the chair, looking out into space to sit with your thoughts.

[stillgeekingout]

thoughts on reputation by lex croucher

first my non-spoilery thoughts (mostly non-spoilery. light spoilers for tone and general content): this book was so good and also SO STRESSFUL. haha. if you’re going into it expecting a light read, this isn’t it, but it’s incredibly funny (like seriously so so funny, there was probably at least one phrase or sentence on every page that gave me a little chuckle inside) and has a lot of really important things to say. and the stress does pay off for a very cathartic ending. you’re gonna suffer, but you’re gonna be happy about it etc.

honestly the two things I care the most about in books these days are if they’re funny and if they have characters that I care about. this supremely delivered on both counts. I really loved every single one of the characters (I mean, except the ones you’re supposed to hate, obviously. it does a very good job making you hate them). the third thing I care about is friendship narratives and hoo boy was there a lot of that too.

it gets compared to bridgerton a lot and I haven’t seen bridgerton, so I can’t speak to that, but I don’t think I would like bridgerton based on what I’ve heard of it and I really liked this. make of that what you will, I guess. it also gets compared to mean girls a lot and I think that’s very accurate, if mean girls as a narrative was kinder to its characters (including the plastics) and actually let characters be gay in a nuanced way. and if mean girls did a better job developing the love interest so we care about him and the romance part of the plot. similar to mean girls, if you’re going to be really bothered by secondhand embarrassment, this might not be the book for you. it’s not quite as pronounced but it is there, and I did squirm through a few scenes. this didn’t subtract from my enjoyment but it might for some people. The other content warnings are here for anyone who wants to know what I mean by heavy material: https://www.lexcroucher.co.uk/reputation-cw

Now time for my spoiler-filled thoughts under the cut!!

So I knew going into this that it would be too much drugs and alcohol content for me, a known prude, but that being said I thought it was handled really well and I liked that the narrative had things to say about doing things in excess / requiring that stuff to be able to have fun. and thomas’s whole thing was really thoughtfully handled.

Georgiana cracked me up the whole time with her naivety. I do think part of the embarrassment of this book for me was how much she reminded me of my younger clueless self, being inexperienced in everything and scandalized by everything. I also reeeeally related to the whole “this person is friend-shaped, be my friend be my friend be my friend”-ness of her. And I’m always a sucker for a “female character is very flawed and honestly kinda shitty to her friends but learns to be a better person over the course of the narrative” story.

I LOVE BETTY. I call being #1 betty walters fan. I get crazy when I latch onto a character, all I do is wait for them to make a next appearance and scream about it when they do. But anyway I just want to say that I loved betty from her first scene and I’m so glad george finally caught on. I was initially scared that it was going to go more the route of like, george is mean to betty in the climax and then realizes she has to apologize because she feels bad for her, but the fact that they became actual genuine close friends on top of that made me very very happy. No matter what else I say please know betty was my absoluuute favorite character, I’m obsessed with her, I would die for her, etc.

This book honestly just kept subverting what I thought was going to happen. I did not see the end coming at all, particularly with the way the jeremiah plot went. It reminded me a lot of Oklahoma (the musical) and a lot of… real life lol. but yeah it was v good and I’m proud of george.

I really did not expect to get very attached to thomas. Usually when a book is a friendship book with romance also in there, I get very very wrapped up in the friendship parts and then only sort of care about the romantic lead. And it did start that way when george was initially obsessing over him, I kept just kind of being like “ok he’s here, sure”. But lex gave us a kindhearted emotions boy, which is honestly the best kind of boy, and he plays piano and his dad is nice and he keeps george in check about being a kind friend? Heck yeah. The LETTERS?? YES. listen my favorite book is ella enchanted and ever since then, any romance that involves witty written correspondence is automatically in my good books. also he has the benedick energy of like, unquestionably supporting women over his sketchy friends and that’s Always good.

I loved each of the friends in different ways, and I am a little sad that we didn’t get much closure on Cecily and Jonathan in particular, but I do understand why it ended the way that it did and I appreciate Georgiana realizing that these were never really going to be her People. That’s a really cool thing that I don’t see a lot in stories. Usually either they make friends for life, or it turns out that the group were Bad People and that’s why they go their separate ways. So the fact that it was like “no, I think they are good people and I care for them deeply, but our ways of life are just never going to be compatible in the long run so I’m just going to appreciate them in my periphery from now on” was a really nuanced take and something that I think is truer to reality.

Let’s Talk About Frances. Frances intrigued the hell out of me because I never knew what the heck she was going to do next. I do always love a bitchy woman with secret emotions and after the first vulnerable sleepover scene, in my mind I already felt like I knew where frances’s arc might be going. But lord I did NOT! It’s really really interesting to have a book that follows so many tropes of other stories but at the same time goes in completely different directions. I would’ve read a whole bunch more about frances and her emotions and her parents and her trauma, and I really hope jane is helping her heal from all that and also be less of a jerk to everyone, and if anyone is writing the “jane and frances heal from trauma and become better people together” fic I am soooo there. I’m glad we at least got the confirmation that she believes george, that she got the satisfaction of telling off jeremiah, that she’s living with jane, and that her parents have separated at least for the time being. But yeah I think in a lesser book, frances would’ve been reduced to like “the regina george” and not necessarily given all the nuances that she had, and I really appreciated how much she felt like a rounded-out person with a lot of her own shit going on. I am sad that she and george had to end the way they did, but again, it makes sense for the narrative and I’m glad they’re at least on good enough terms that she’s going to go to the wedding.

I do think there were some things that were left loose (george bringing up donating to the poor was never addressed again, frances’s parents are barely addressed again which surprised me after the mrs. walters bit, etc) but now that I’m finished with it and not waiting for certain loose ends to be tied, I think that’s kind of the point. that sometimes things just end without closure. sometimes you just move on from people and you don’t get to change them in the way you wanted to.

I probably have a bunch more to say but the main thing is that every single character in this book felt extremely three dimensional to me, and that is a Really hard thing to pull off and it has made me even more excited to read all of lex’s future books. Came for the humor, stayed for the insanely well-developed characters.

[seducing-a-vampire]

Day 24: Song

@carryon-countdown​

In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

--The 1, Taylor Swift

Agatha reflects her relationship with ex-boyfriend Simon and on breaking free from the roles she's been expected to play.

***A million thanks and blushing frog emojis for @snowybank​ for beta reading!!!***

Rating: T  //  Word Count: 1040

 The 1

I wake up alone.

I mean, I always wake up alone. I’ve never actually spent the entire night sleeping next to another person, unless you count the few times Simon and I fell asleep on separate couches in my living room at home. That was years ago, stuffed full with Christmas cookies, Dr. Who playing softly on the TV as our conversation faded into an easy rest.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like, to lie beside someone like that, to breathe so close to another person for seven or eight hours. Watching their chest rise and fall steadily.

Sometimes, I find it impossible that you could ever get used to that. Would that ever feel completely comfortable—another person next to you, an intruder to the rhythm of your own breathing?

Read the rest on AO3 or under the cut!

I remember watching a movie with Ginger one time soon after we met, a cheesy American rom com. She was giggling at the sex scene, which occurred approximately 0.2 seconds after the meeting of this blandly attractive white couple. (They panted and moaned for a bit, and then fell asleep together, naked. Listen, I’m not a prude, but I can’t imagine ever feeling confident enough to forego my pyjamas at night.)  In between the peals of her laughter, she was telling me about her recent hookup with the barista she’s been seeing.

An image popped unbidden in my mind, then: Ginger, in her little navy pyjamas with yellow moons all over them, curled up next to me in my bed.  I didn’t even know if I actually liked that thought, but it was, well, interesting to think about.

Oughtn’t I have figured this out by now? Figured out myself ? I dated Simon for far too long, I snogged Minty in the park across from our old primary school last time I was home, and I fled to California, the land of possibility and no judgement. Still I feel like I’m trapped in a cage of my own making.

I take up very little space in the expanse of my bed. I can stretch out my whole body, feeling the muscles flex and then relax, pointing my toes down like I used to practice for ballet. My soft white linens (with teeny pink flowers dotted all over) feel cool against my body.

My apartment in San Diego is bright and sunny. I like living alone, and I know I’m being honest when I think that because I don’t have the little tense knot in my stomach that I get when I suppress my true feelings. I pour myself a bowl of cereal and curl up on my couch, scrolling through my notifications on my phone as I eat.

Fourteen unread emails, mostly for school organizations that I signed up for and then never participated in. I delete them.

I open up Instagram, and first up on my feed is a picture Baz posted of Simon. Simon’s wearing my old Watford lacrosse sweatshirt. I can’t believe he still has that. He’s in the middle of talking (probably waxing poetic about scones); his hands are blurry from being caught in motion, and his eyes are soft. I know he must be looking at Baz. The caption is just “My idiot.”

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d see Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch posting almost-mushy things on Instagram, let alone that the object of the almost-mush would be Simon.

A few weeks ago, I FaceTimed Penny, and she said they’re still all heart-eyed for each other. It’s easy to admit that even when things were good between us, Simon and I never really had heart-eyes. I’m happy for them.

Goodness knows Simon deserves some happiness of his own. I always thought I’d be the one standing next to him— or sometimes, I thought I’d have to be the one grieving him. Then I tried to break free from that, break up with him, play a different role. The closest I came to actualizing that was when I first came to California. Now, I feel like I’m tripping over my lines again.

Simon was most of my childhood. Talking to him, going to dances with him, studying with him and Penny, walking around Watford with him, rolling my eyes when my parents fussed over him when he was at home with me for the holidays.

I have this funny feeling, looking at the blue-eyed boy in the picture. My fingers move of their own accord as they tap onto my own page and scroll down to the last picture I posted of Simon and me. It was the winter solstice ball, the year before last. I was wearing a divine dress, cream colored with pearls covering the bodice.

My mother and I got into a row the night before over my hair. I wanted to leave it down— straight, elegant, simple. But she insisted I had to do something more elaborate. In the end it turned out rather fine. The entire evening of the ball Simon looked at me as if I were Aphrodite herself. He kissed me that night: chaste, pleasant, perfunctory. Like all of our kisses. It wasn’t bad. It was never bad.

That night, I would’ve bet my wand on Simon and me. We belonged together. We made sense. But in that relationship, I think we were both stunted. Held back.

I tap back to the photo of Simon with his soft eyes, and I know it’s true.  I hadn’t noticed before, but in the bottom of the picture, you can see someone’s long and slender hand resting on Simon’s knee.

I look around at my apartment: quiet, peaceful, especially in the mornings. There are palm trees bending gently in the wind outside my window, and the sliding door next to my couch leads me to a small balcony from which I can see the bright blue of the ocean. A different ocean than the one I spent my summers visiting as a child. But even fuller with possibility.

It might’ve been easier if Simon had been the one. But he’s not. And I’m not that to him, and I don’t want to be. I suppose I’ve got to keep figuring out what I am to myself.

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

I Taste Honey but I Haven’t Seen the Hive - Chapter Seven

Ao3,   Masterpost,  C.1   C.2   C.3   C.4   C.5   C.6

Relationships: eventual queer-platonic intruality, platonic dlampr.

okay. so. last time we heard anything out of me was *New Years*, Literally, and maybe i should’ve mentioned that I was taking a little hiatus, but oh well. i’m back now and i’m gonna post the last three chapters of this fanfiction as soon as I possibly can (so probably like all of them will be up by tmrw at the latest!!) to make up for my absence. but jokes on you, cuz I did actually finish this thing!!! >:P 

(oh yeah, and there are no italics, thanks to tumblr’s copy/paste bulls//t. i continue to be lazy :3 if anything sounds stilted just imagine that theres an italicized word there and yeah.)

Warnings: cursing, sexual innuendo, discussions of sexuality, misunderstandings, Emotional Conversations, sharing a bed, mild body horror (remus’ existence lol), stress, h/c. 

Word count: 7,967

The hallway was cold, and dark. It had been long-since abandoned of any life, with every door shut and each light dimmed- even Virgil’s. That day- the day of the meeting- had exhausted everyone enough to send them right to sleep mode. 

Everyone except Remus and Patton.

Their heart-to-heart in the kitchen had dragged on a little longer than either had expected, letting night descend fully over the Mindpalace. Patton was the one to notice the time eventually, and drag his less-than-restful friend up the stairs with him- he could tell that the other was dead tired, though. His stubborn determination not to end the conversation didn’t sit well, but Patton couldn’t think what to make of it, and they really did need some sleep. 

They reached Patton’s door first. He stopped in front of it, when Remus tugged his hand back insistently. He turned to him, letting out a confused hum, and was met with a scowl and a sigh.

Remus was looking even more resigned than he had when they first started talking that night. Patton waited, worried. 

“This isn’t, um,” Remus exhaled, ragged around the edges. “This isn’t a pick-up line, okay, and I know that it’ll sound that way and I know that it’s me but. I really don’t wanna be alone tonight.”

Oh. 

Patton’s heart ached- and his heart was big, it took up most of him. He felt the pain spread out from his center and into his fingertips and toes, hot and empathetic. Because how could he hear something like that, and not want to spend the rest of the night doting on the creature in front of him until that voice never sounded so small again, till he was as big and confident as he was meant to be?

“I don’t think I want to be alone, either,” Patton said.

Remus stared, his big scarlet eyes casting a faint glow in the dark. They were wide, cautiously hopeful.

“Yeah?” He muttered.

“Yeah.”

Patton opened the door, and led them both inside.

Remus shuffled around on the other side of the bed, but Patton was still, however much he wanted to squirm.

“Um.”

The movement stopped, and he flushed at the feeling of being watched in the dark. There really was no un-awkward way to say it, was there?

“Remus, since you’re staying, do you- um, do you mind doing me a favor?” 

Remus, little more than a silhouette, propped himself up on his elbow, a tilt to his head. “A favor? Of course, anything for you, Pat,” his words were a purr, and Patton could envision the suggestive smirk on his face in perfect clarity. Patton felt another well of discomfort bubble in his stomach.

“Could you at least wear some clothes, please?” 

There was a beat. Remus laughed, short and good-natured. 

“Yeah, I sorta figured I would. It’s no problem.”

“Thank you,” Patton sighed, relieved. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he paused, and that really would’ve been the end of it, but Patton had learned by then when Remus was about to make a joke. He took a little breath while the words were still clicking together in his head, and a grin crept into his voice. “There’s always tomorrow night to try this clothesless, eh?”

“I’m asexual,” Patton blurted, and he could feel the heat radiating from his face, though he didn’t even know why he was so uncomfortable. It was a joke, Remus was just joking. They were friends and Patton should’ve been used to it- but he’d already gotten so sensitive that night, and jokes like that always hit just a little different than the violent ones or the curses. It must have been a breaking point, or something. 

Remus shifted again, laying on his back. Patton wondered if he’d made things awkward. 

“Oh,” Remus said, “Oh wow, that makes so much sense!”

“It- It does?” Patton sat up, staring at the other with a mix of surprise and relief. Remus blinked up at him, nodding. 

“Well, yeah, that explains why you get so squirmy whenever anybody even implies something to do with sex. I always thought you were just, like, a prude.”

Patton ran his hands over the comforter that pooled around his legs, shrugging. He wasn’t nervous, so much as he was fidgety. “Well, maybe it was some of that, too,” he joked. 

Remus snorted, rolling onto his side and catching one of Patton’s hands in his own. He held it, playing with Patton’s fingers like he was trying to focus. 

“Hey,” he sighed, heavy, “Sorry.”

“Huh? What for?”

“C’mon, you know,” Remus gestured around with his free hand, “All the jokes, and all the times I hit on you, like, graphically. I was kidding, obviously, it was just that you always had the best reactions. If I’d known why, I mean. I don’t know if I’d have actually stopped, but whatever. Different time, different me. I’m stopping now, kay?”

Patton’s eyes went wide. He hadn’t- He wasn’t trying to make Remus stop, that wasn’t fair. He knew how important staying true to himself was to Remus, and if he’d actually managed to guilt-trip any of that away, he didn’t think he’d forgive himself.

“Oh, it’s really okay, I mean- I know you like talking about stuff like that, who am I to say you shouldn’t?”

“You never said that, actually.”

Patton nodded, even if Remus couldn’t see him, and even if he was pretty sure they were on different pages. “Exactly. You shouldn’t go changing just to make me comfortable, I’ll get used to the jokes! I guess I just wanted to know that they were, which, obviously yeah, but… um, I’m bad with knowing what tone is which, sometimes, so-”

“Ugh, Patton,” Remus was laughing, leaning up and grasping tighter around Patton’s hand, with a tone that said plainly: please shut up. Patton did, biting the inside of his cheek. “Look,” Remus huffed, “I know what you’re trying to say, and it’s real sweet that you’re so worried about this, but it’s not exactly like I’m telling you that I’m reinventing myself. I’ll definitely keep saying plenty of horny shit, trust me, I can just drop it with the comments about ya. It wouldn’t even be funny anymore; fucking with people is cool, right, but making someone I actually like feel ‘icky’, or whatever, isn’t really the same thing. It’s no big sacrifice trying to make you feel safer with me, got it?”

Remus’ eyes were on his, glowing with concern. Patton felt his face flush for an entirely new reason, nothing to do with embarrassment.

“You want to make me feel safe?” Patton grinned, just this side of giddy. “That’s a new one.”

Remus made a vague grumbly sound; it shouldn’t have been as cute as it was. “Yeah, okay, so what if I do?”

“It’s okay if you do. It’s sweet.”

“Maybe it is. Besides, you aren’t the only aspec side around,” he shrugged, “I’m not too big on the dating side of things, myself.”

Patton’s smile widened. “Thank you. I mean, for understanding, and… getting me out of my own head about all this.”

“I gotcha,” a claw traced over Patton’s knuckles, idly, “No need for thanks.”

“I’ll give it anyway, you know that.”

Remus snorted. “Mhmmm.”

With the remains of embarrassment finally fading away, Patton yawned, and remembered just how tired he was. He laid himself down finally, relaxing as his back hit the mattress. No sooner after he’d done so, Remus was letting go of his hand in favor of curling around him and setting his head on Patton’s chest. 

Patton would be lying if he said it wasn’t a relief, feeling the other unhesitant to curl up against him still. He looped his own arms around the smaller figure, practically on top of him, and traced patterns against Remus’ back. 

In hindsight, Patton couldn’t remember ever falling asleep so easily. 

The morning after, there was a crisis. A Thomas-crisis, and an emotional one, which set Patton up for a busy, busy day (or morning-through-afternoon, but it was well more than enough work for one day). The one upside to the whole mess was that he didn’t have to deal with it alone, because emotional distress fell neatly into Virgil’s area of expertise as well as his own.

At some point, you’d think they’d get numb to the endless dilemmas every other day, but with each new outing it got clearer and clearer that panic was just a part of life. Most weeks had at least one incident; there would be a mistake at the post office that needed to be worked out in person (which Patton didn’t mind, really, but Virgil hated, and Roman thought was a waste of time), there was an event for a friend of a friend that for some reason they were socially obligated to go to (which no one liked but Roman, who always thought they were one person away from being ‘discovered’), or- the present situation- there were pre-established plans that all the sides had somehow forgotten about until they were shoved into it at the last second.

Patton jolted awake with a gasp, the urgency of his human throwing him out of sleep. It was a full two hours later than he usually woke up, something he would’ve loved to appreciate on any other day. His bed was already empty- the warmth of another person still there, the covers still scrunched, but empty- which did serve to make his morning routine quicker. He dressed with a fervor that he couldn’t even place, manic exhaustion already soaking into him and making plans to stay there all day. It was going to be a rough one, being around people. 

But, Patton knew it wouldn’t be hard to ignore all that, for a little bit at least. There was still a bright side, and that side was Virgil! Who he got to spend all day with! Working, sure, but still- work done with a loved one is never work at all.

“Yeah, I don’t know if that rings true, Pat,” was Virgil’s response to the sentiment, when Patton told him.

“You’re smiling,” Patton said, because he was.

“What?” Virgil covered his mouth, “No, I’m not- shut up.” 

“You believe me, I know you do. You looove me.”

“Says you,” his mouth may have been covered, but the crows feet under his eyes creased more. His shoulders were just a little less tense, too, enough to tell Patton he was right. 

That morning wasn’t great, but, they made it better.

Remus had woken up in a lot of places that were decisively not his bed. The floor? Sure. The imagination? Oh, absolutely. Underneath furniture, on top of furniture, and on counters- anywhere lie-down-able, been there and done that. Just for the fun of it, really, and a nice shock to whoever found him curled up in the sink or beneath cabinets. He was used to a crick in the neck or a splotch of red, rough carpet print on the side of the face. 

So he didn’t really know why, waking up in someone else’s bed, he jolted out of it so quick, he looked like he’d been electrocuted. Or why, after scrambling out of Patton’s arms with whatever carefulness he could manage, he bolted from the scene entirely.

Remus began the slow process of piecing it together after he all but slammed the door behind him, trembling and cursing his way down the hall. He dragged away from Patton’s room and let his back hit the wall, sliding to the floor with a kind of hysteria he could only describe as itchy-vomity-terrifying-amazing. 

He did itch at his skin, he was feeling a bit sick, a bit scared, but he thought he might’ve been grinning anyway, so the description fit well enough. Except, nothing was fitting actually well, right then.

The closeness. The attention. The fact that he’d spent eight hours of sleep getting a full dosage of both those things. The fact that it had been more of both of them than he could remember getting, ever. Of course he’d scrambled away- how else could he react!?

Remus didn’t get overwhelmed. Except, apparently he did! What another fun surprise!

A door creaked open down the hall (thank God not Patton’s). Remus felt the eyes on him, and looked up- manically, he looked well and truly manic.

Logan blinked at him. He looked a lot like an owl in the mornings, Remus noted. One of those smart ones, obviously, not one of the ones that fucks around counting licks on a lollipop. 

Logan cleared his throat. 

“Remus? Is everything alright?” 

Remus shrugged, grinning. “Maybe! Who knows, though, right? It’s a lot, you know?”

Logan did not know, and said as much. Remus only laughed, letting his head hit back against the wall in the process.

He still felt warm, inside and out, after all that cuddling. It was weird, good-weird, but still so new. And, like he said, a lot. He’d felt that kind of warmth before, but definitely not as much- and he knew he needed to distract himself before he went crazy. Or, before his rattrap of a brain ruined the maybe-possibly good feelings for him. 

“Hey, any chance you’re busy today?”

Logan hovered in his doorway for a minute before ultimately deciding to step out, probably determining the interaction as a prolonged one. He didn’t look too put-off about it, though.

“A very high chance,” he said, “But for now I am not. Is there something you need?”

“A distraction.”

“Ah.”

“So, you up for it?” Remus pulled himself up from the floor, popping a few joints. “At least for the morning, yeah, Geek?” 

“Of course,” he smirked, “Provided you can call me by actual name at least once in this conversation.” 

Remus grinned, probably coming off more relieved than he intended. “Eh, we’ll see about that one, Dweeb.”

Logan met him halfway down the hall, not looking at all surprised by the response. He looked, if anything, amused. Remus found himself remembering very abruptly that the two of them got along, were probably friends, and somehow that fact was still novel to him. Or maybe it was the mood. Probably both.

“Well, it was worth a try,” Logan reasoned.

“Oh, sure.”

“What were you thinking we should do, anyway?”

Remus raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“I’m afraid that’s off the table,” Logan told him.

“Aw, fine. Surprise me, then.”

“That will be hard.”

Remus laughed, unsteady and shrill.

“C’mon, I know you’ve got it in ya.” 

Logan smiled, just-nearly-almost mischievous. “Well. I’ll see what I can do.” 

And for just a second, some of the panic slipped away, leaving behind that strange warmth. 

Patton didn’t exactly let Janus know he was coming by. It had been a long day- or, a long five hour period between ten in the morning and three in the afternoon, but still, the idea that there was any day left at all made Patton want to melt into the nearest soft object and never get up. 

When Patton needed to melt, he went to Janus’. Maybe it was the big armchairs; maybe it was the comforting, gooey little white-lies that soaked the atmosphere of his room; maybe it was the fact that his voice was so very easy to fall asleep to. Most likely, at least part of it was because he always seemed to enjoy taking care of people, anyway. 

It was a nice combination, and exactly what was needed. Patton could apologize for not knocking later, ideally when he wasn’t falling asleep where he stood. 

“Janusss,” he groaned, by way of greeting, and promptly collapsed onto the nearest soft surface while the door swung shut behind him. 

Janus blinked at him from across the room, surprise lasting for approximately three seconds. He turned around, and sighed.

“Well, hello to you, too.”

Patton hummed, drearily.

“You look cheery,” Janus quipped, “Anything you’d like to talk about?” 

The question was spoken lightly, but not insincere. Patton lifted his head enough to smile tiredly at the snake. He shrugged, for the room was working it's magic already, as was the easy company to be found there. Stress was easing away, in small bits, evaporating into warm shimmers under his skin. He had no doubt that Janus was doing some of it on purpose, as soon as he’d noticed the mood Patton was in, giving him a blanket of speckled reassurances (which were, as Janus insisted to him time and time again, just a tiny, harmless breed of pleasant lies) in an almost-literal way. 

Most things about the sides’ rooms were like that. Almost-literal; concepts that crept their way into the physical world, if only slightly. Janus was the best at those kinds of things, though. 

“’S just been a tiring day, y’know?” 

Janus sat beside him, toying with some spare yellow strings, weaving and unweaving them almost carelessly. “I do.”

“A tiring night, too,” Patton added, an afterthought, but he found as he said so that it was true. Long in a good way. An impactful way. It felt like something important had happened, something that changed, but he didn't quite know what. It was still just as draining, though.

Janus raised an eyebrow, but he did not pry (even if he most likely wanted to).“So, you’ve come here.”

“Do you mind if I just rest in here for a bit?” He said, as he’d already gotten quite comfortable.

“Why don’t I do you one better?”

Patton hummed confusedly, but Janus had already begun urging him to sit up. The snake waved a hand, filling the room with light, swirling piano music. At once the air seemed to grow fuzzy, spicks and specks of what looked like golden glitter floating around- not unlike from the distortion Patton’s own room gave him when he was happy. Janus smiled down at him, summoning a neat little tea set on a tray and fixing them each a cup of the swirling, caramel-colored liquid. 

Patton sighed happily, taking the teacup he was proffered and thanking the lord for whatever he’d done to deserve a friend like Janus. 

Janus sat beside him, balancing the tea tray on an end table, and let their shoulders bump. He wasn’t a touchy person, exactly, but he allowed for a conservative amount of casual intimacy. Occasionally, and in an unspoken way, but still.

The atmosphere had exactly the intended effect. Patton felt paradisiacal. 

“Gosh, what would any of us do without you?” 

Janus hummed. “You’d most certainly perish.”

Patton laughed, his chest lighter already. 

Remus felt good for about ten seconds after leaving Logan’s room and letting the guy get to work, fresh off the good morning he’d had. Then, very promptly, the weight that the remaining hours of daylight carried dropped onto his shoulders, and he would’ve been perfectly willing to claw his brain out to get a moment of reprieve from the whole barrage of irrational terror worming around in it.

Remus didn’t know why it was so bad that day (well- he had a guess, but thinking about it obviously made it suck worse, so). What he did know was that he needed someone to keep fucking distracting him, and that someone could under no circumstances be Patton.

Luckily, avoiding him wasn’t hard- he was still busy, and Remus had a feeling he’d need a rest once Thomas’ crisis was over, anyway- but that didn’t do much to solve the other half of Remus’ problem.

He needed something big, loud, and most importantly, not solo. He needed someone that could take up a whole room just as easily as himself, with endless energy to bounce back and forth, back and forth, until neither of them would ever worry about anything other than the moment and whatever it was they would do together… 

Oh, god fucking dammit. 

Remus sunk out to the Imagination. No, not his. The opposite half.

He rose up into more than a blank canvas, but less than a finished work; a vibrant world with gaps and white spots. He might’ve taken the time to look around, but- unsurprisingly- his brother was in front of him, accosting him, immediately. Seriously, it was like he’d teleported. 

“What are you doing here?” Roman snapped, his hands, still splattered with ink, landing on his hips. 

“Aw, so now I’m not even allowed to visit my own flesh and blood, and other various parts?” 

Roman scrunched his nose up. “No, you aren’t allowed. This is my room!”

Remus- as he always did when someone said he couldn’t do something- cackled. 

“I’m serious!” Roman whined, “I’m busy!”

Now, he said that, but Remus knew from personal experience that if Roman wanted him gone, he could’ve forced him out without too much issue- or worse yet, attacked him outright. He didn’t seem to be about to spring, though, not looking any worse than annoyed, so Remus happily decided that this interaction fell into the normal-and-healthy-sibling-bickering category instead of the unfortunately familiar would-genuinely-commit-fratricide-if-possible category. 

He grinned. “Yeah, and I’m bored!”

“Not my problem, and you’re still in my room.” 

“What, worried I’ll gunk up all your magic ponies and Yellow Brick Roads, or whatever it is you like to play with around here?”

“Yes, I am!” Roman scowled, but it looked a lot like he was straining his jaw not to laugh. “And you know I don’t make those, you fiend, I made a unicorn once and that was only because Logan wanted one.”

“You’re shitting me if you say that you weren’t the kid who always wanted a pony, Ro.”

“Well, how’s a pony any better than a thestral, which I seem to remember someone getting all excited about when we first read the-books-that-shall-not-be-named?”

“Ooh! Good idea, we should abso-fucking-lutely make those!” Remus wandered past his brother, looking around at the half-finished scene that he’d walked in on. It was sunny, pleasant- all around very vanilla, but there was at least a sense of adventure thrumming under it that gave the place a kick. With some work, it could actually be, like, fun! “Ever see somebody die? Don’t worry, I can help with that.”

Roman turned to him, looking hilariously incredulous with what was happening.

“Um? Excuse me? This is my domain,” he blinked, and a smug smirk crossed his lips. “Which means that you don’t have the power to make anything here! So, ha!”

Oh, right. That made a lot of sense, actually. How had he forgotten that? It wasn’t like this was the first time he’d tried to make something with his brother, right? 

…Wow. That had no business hurting as much as it did.

“Uh- Remus?” 

His head snapped up, a smile with too-many teeth already strained across his face. Remus’ head was scattered enough, coming here wasn’t supposed to make it worse.

“Sure, okay- there’s gotta be some way for us to build stuff together!” 

Roman stared appraisingly at his sibling, apparently thinking before he argued for the one and only time in his life. He tilted his head in confusion, perhaps worry. 

“I- well-” Roman glanced at what he’d been making, and down at his hands. “I’m sure I could, perhaps, let you have power here. Just this once.” He huffed. “It’s my room, right? So there’s no reason why I couldn’t do that, if I wanted.”

“Do you?” 

“Ugh.” Roman rolled his eyes, perfunctorily. “Fine. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I’d rather you be your normal weird-self than… whatever this is,” Roman stuck his hand out, his chin raised like it was a challenge. “Good?”

Remus grabbed his hand (and did not buzzer him, or slime him, even though it would have been so easy- because they were having A Moment and even he could appreciate the sanctity of something like that). 

“Yeah,” he said. “We’re good.”

Roman, as it turned out, was able to tolerate Remus for a whopping six hours, right up until five p.m., and only shooed him away in order to finish the project that he’d more-or-less happily dropped when Remus stopped by. So Roman wasn’t the worst brother in the world, Remus acknowledged. He then resolved to never, under any circumstances, say that to Roman’s face. 

The door to the Imagination shut with a click. The sound matched almost perfectly with another, sharper one down the hall, what Remus recognized as Janus’ door closing. He glanced up with a grin, wondering if he could maybe get Snakey to distract him for a while- only to lock eyes with precisely what he needed distracting from.

Patton smiled at him. He looked tired, relaxed, and raised a hand in some semblance of a wave. It would probably be a great opportunity to unwind together, talk stuff out, and definitely curl into each other on the couch.

Remus wasn’t going to take that opportunity, though.

Remus stared back at Patton for all of three seconds, the grin sliding off his face, before barging through the nearest door and slamming it behind himself. 

Shit. Fuck. What the hell did he do that for? It was just Patton, Remus knew Patton; there was no reason to be jittery enough to bolt from him twice. There was no way Patton wouldn’t think he was mad- which he wasn’t, even if he barely understood why he was losing it, he knew it wasn’t anger. But Patton wouldn’t know that, and he’d cry, probably, and Remus wasn’t sure if he was good enough at comforting people to fix it after. Christ, maybe he couldn’t fix it, maybe he’d still be too keyed up to talk to Pat, even if he started bawling! 

“Hey? What the fuck?”

Remus spun around, and yeah, he could’ve guessed whose room he ended up in without the gravelly voice to give it away, given that little spiral. A surprised-looking Virgil stared up at him, sitting cross-legged on a spiderweb bedspread. 

Remus ignored the thin layer of anxiety still rolling under his skin (now that he could place it), and shrugged, sliding until he sat on the floor.

“Oh, hi,” he said.

“Yeah, hi to you too, but my question still stands:” Virgil clapped his hands together, “What. The fuck?” 

Remus considered a few possible snarky responses, but found that most of them were pretty pathetic. Besides, evading vulnerable situations was more of Janus’ thing, and Remus didn’t want to steal his bit. 

“I’m hiding like a little bitch, so don’t kick me out, or I’ll maul you.”

Virgil’s eyebrows went up, but the surprise in his face was being replaced, slowly, by confused resignation. “Okay, cool. Why here, and why me?”

“First door.”

“Yeah, that’s about my luck,” he blew his bangs out of his face, “So like, you’re not gonna go anywhere else?”

Remus thought about it, but it was an easy choice. If he was gonna whine to anybody about something like this, he decided, it’d probably be Virgil. Virgil was good with fear, he was good with Patton, and he was good at making fun of shit if a conversation got too serious. 

“Nah. Sorry, Emo Boy, but I’ve already annoyed Logan and my dipshit brother today. Looks like it’s your turn!”

“What about Janus?”

“Eh, he’s a live-in therapist for the rest of you already. I think I’ll give him the day off.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, sighing with all the exasperation of a teenage burnout and not a thirty-year-old metaphysical humanoid.

“Okay, okay- and why’s Patton off the table? He, like, actually enjoys helping people,” Virgil glanced down, scuffing the carpet with the side of his foot. “He’s good at it, too.”

“Yeahhhh,” Remus locked his teeth together, inhaled through them, “About that.”

“What, aren’t you two all close now?” Virgil frowned, “I fuckin’ saw you guys at the meeting yesterday, you were so on top of each other, I feel like I forgot that you were two separate sides,” to anybody who didn’t know him, the way he talked about it would sound harsh. Remus, however, knew exactly how soft Virgil really was- the fucking poser- and that that shit? That was pure encouragement, raw as a bloody, bloody steak. 

Which, of course, only made Remus wince again.

He flopped sideways onto the floor, groaning. “Yeah, we’re close. That’s- I think that might be the problem?” That sounded right, almost, but just wrong enough to feel icky and annoying. “Ugh, I don’t know. So I just ran!”

There was a beat.

“Wait a second,” Virgil’s voice was tight- oh that bitch, he was laughing! “You’re hiding from Patton?”

Remus huffed. Okay, so maybe it was a little funny, he could appreciate that- but! He was still upset about it!!

“I mean, what has he done to scare you off?” Virgil pressed, “Too many compliments? Did he hug you too hard? I know the dude can be a lot sometimes, but-”

“Okay, ok-ay,” Remus couldn’t help it, he managed a laugh at it, too. “It’s ridiculous! It’s fucking ridiculous and he’s not even the problem!”

“Then what is the problem?” Virgil was snickering, “And don’t say that it’s you, dude. At least one of us around here has to not hate himself to hell and back, and you’ve defended that title for too long to lose it,” he cleared his throat right after he said it, sitting up straighter and trying to look like he hadn’t just been laughing like a huge dork. “Not that I’m, like, worried about you or anything.”

“Aw, you so are,” Remus stared up at the ceiling, grinning despite the ache in his chest. “But no, it’s not that. He thinks I’m awesome and he’s right, so don’t worry.”

Virgil leaned over him, staring upside-down at Remus. He squinted.

“Hey, this a serious problem?”

“I guess so. You can joke about it, though.”

“Cool. Um,” Virgil pulled away. Remus sat up, watching the trait cross one leg over the other, flip them, then tap his knee one-two-three-etc. times. He chewed on his lip. The whole nine yards of a classic Focused-Virgil Face. “Okay. You can tell me about it, seriously. I’ll try to help, or whatever.”

Remus blinked at him.

“Don’t- Jesus- don’t make a big deal out of it, dude-”

“Oh, I am.”

“I don’t even have a choice, okay, you’re the one who-”

“You’re so sweet, Virgey!”

“Remus, I swear to God, repeat that to anyone and I…” 

Virgil trailed off. Remus pouted at him, dramatically, his eyes practically glowing with mischief. “C’mon, aren’t you going to threaten me?”

“I was, and then I remembered that you’re like, actually into that kinda stuff, so. No. Nope, I’m good.”

“Fine,” he shrugged, “Looks like you’re resigned to just hearing about my feelings, instead!”

Virgil rolled his eyes again- of course he did- but there was no hiding the way he went quiet, patient, you could even call it attentive.

It was an offering, one that Remus didn’t hesitate to take. 

Patton left Janus’ room in a good mood.

He was in a considerably less good mood when, as soon as he’d left, Remus saw him and scrambled away like Patton was about to attack him where he stood- wide-eyed with fear and everything.

Patton swayed in the hallway for seconds after, uncertain about a lot of things suddenly. 

The room Remus had run into had definitely been Virgil’s, not his own, and for a moment Patton entertained the idea of just going up to knock. He dropped that thought quick, realizing that if he really wasn’t wanted, then he definitely didn’t want to confirm that he wasn’t wanted.

He might have gone back to Janus- Janus was smart, Janus knew how to explain things and solve problems and comfort people- but that was scrapped, too. He’d taken up plenty of the snake’s time already, firstly, and secondly… No, yeah, Patton already knew just who he needed to see for something like this. 

Logan set aside his laptop as soon as Patton walked into the common room, a surprisingly perceptive gesture for someone who claimed to be bad with feelings. Or maybe Patton had just gotten rusty at hiding them.

“Hi,” he greeted, wobbly.

“Hello,” Logan said, “You look upset.”

Patton stared at the wall just above his friend’s head, and nodded.

“Can I help?”

He paused. It was a bad habit- one of many!- but feeling unwanted by one side made him wonder if, maybe, he was unwanted by everyone. The thought formed a lump in his throat and had guilt pooling in his gut, but this was Logan. His best friend, the person he had gone to because he always knew just where he stood with him. If Logan didn’t want to help- no, because he always wanted to- if he couldn’t handle helping, then he would tell Patton that. He always did.

“I think Remus is upset with me,” Patton blurted it out quickly, just so he didn’t have to hear them. Logan vanished his laptop at once, gesturing to the spot beside him on the sofa. Patton sat with him, smiling feebly.

“Has he said anything of the sort?”

“No,” Patton picked at the sleeve of his sweater, “He didn’t really have to. He kind of… ran away from me?”

Logan’s eyes widened behind his frames, almost imperceptibly. “I see.”

“I don’t even know what I did,” Patton flushed with the admission, because of just how true it was. He had no idea what he did, and still he felt blame settling over him like a well worn blanket, and all that he could do was hope it wasn’t as bad as the last time. “I feel like I should know this stuff by now, shouldn’t I?”

There was a pause, as Logan processed the words carefully, seemed to turn them over in his head. 

“Be careful not to jump to conclusions, Patton. He typically freely expresses how he is feeling at any given time, so even if his actions seem to say otherwise, it’s entirely possible that he’s not upset with you,” Logan smiled reassuringly. “I find that most of his actions are meaningless. He’s a very weird creature.”

Patton managed to laugh at that. Logan leaned their shoulders together, a little pride flashing in his eyes, as he continued. “He did seem to be ‘out of it’, in a manner of speaking, when we spoke earlier today. It would make sense if that had worsened over the past few hours, and now he’s just particularly flighty. All in all, I wouldn’t read too much into it, if I were you.”

Patton nodded, resolutely not mentioning that they’d spent the night together, however relevant that was. He knew it would sound paranoid to imply that their intimacy had backfired, or come too quick- because Patton was paranoid, and certainly a little neurotic, and the less he voiced it the better. 

Instead, he followed the advice he didn’t believe, and let himself rest against his friend. Logan had laced their fingers together; it wasn’t as comforting as it usually was. 

Logan was only so touchy when it was for the sake of others, and almost always that ‘other’ was Patton. A fact that made the needy trait feel amazingly special most of the time, but on nights like that… More than anything, he felt greedy.

“I’ll ask him about it,” Patton promised, because he knew that was what Logan would suggest (even if the idea made him more than a little dreadfilled). “Maybe I overwhelmed him. He’s been cuddly, so I thought…” Patton shook his head, bile hitting the back of his throat as the realization collapsed upon him. “That’s probably it. I must have took it too far.”

Logan didn’t pry, but Patton could feel his concern mount just as well as he could see the frown on his face.

“Talking to him will be the best course of action,” he said plainly. “For the time being, though,” he released Patton’s hand, wrapping his arm loosely around Patton’s waist and leaving it there. “It might be beneficial for you to receive more reassurance. Is this alright?”

“Yes,” Patton ducked his head, knowing full well how obviously relieved he sounded, “Thank you.”

“There’s no need to thank me, I’m happy to help,” Logan told him, and he had no doubt that it was true. Still, it always surprised him anyway- and that at least was a good thing about a friend who was so reserved. The pleasant surprises.

Patton sat up enough to rest his head on top of Logan’s, a position that was almost but not quite cuddling.

“I sincerely hope,” Logan muttered, “That everything will be alright for you.”

Whether he was speaking only about the Remus situation or not was unclear.

“Me too.”

“If it’s any consolation, it’s very difficult to stay upset with you, if he truly is so. In my experience, at least.”

Patton sighed. “Thanks, buddy.”

“Of course. Your happiness is-... you, are very important to me, and I can only hope that you’ve made a friend that values you as much as I do.”

Patton knew what he meant by it. Both he and Logan were acutely aware of how different they were, and how little they matched with each other. Patton couldn’t understand him- not wanting to be showered in love, enjoying silence and a little bit of alone time, needing space. He knew that Logan didn’t get him, either- didn’t know why he cried all the time, or why nothing ever seemed to fix him for good, or why he said so many things that went without saying. They still struggled with each other’s languages, sometimes, but they’d gotten miles and miles better with it over the years. Sometimes Patton thought that the only way they’d become so close was sheer willpower, pushing past each misunderstanding and argument just because they liked the challenge of it. Determination was always a common thread between them, whatever differences they had.

They had to have boundaries, then. Logan might not hold Patton on his worst days, but he’d give him notes and gifts and bring him water, food, things that he neglected for himself. Patton didn’t have any of the right words to talk Logan down when things got bad, but he was always there to cheer him back up when he was ready again. Neither of them understood each other, and maybe they never would, but they cared. Even if they couldn’t be what the other needed, they cared, and that was all they had to do. 

So even if Logan couldn’t fix things, Patton thought, he still did a hell of a good job patching them up. 

“Hey. Hey!”

Patton turned around with a jolt, his fingers going tight in the blanket about his shoulders. How long he’d been downstairs, he didn’t know- but he knew that he was really, very tired, and now was left blinking and confused at the person accosting him with so much energy. 

“Um, hi,” Patton tried.

Remus had run up to him at once, and was just as suddenly seizing both of his hands. Patton might have taken a moment to appreciate the touch, but with just one sentence that positivity crumbled:

“I need to talk to you.”

Patton shoved a plastic smile onto his face. He always felt a little icky to be faking it, but with Remus, the shame was especially thick. Still, it was only instinct. 

“Okay.”

Patton opened the door; the Duke marched in without waiting for invitation, and he followed. 

Dread dripped down his spine like melting ice cubes. This is fine, Patton told himself firmly, once they were both sitting feet apart on the bed. He refused to think too hard about what the distance meant- if it meant anything at all, or if he was only being ridiculous.

“Sorry about today,” Remus began, “Really. I was freaking out for the stupidest fucking reason. You’ll laugh when I tell you!”

Patton didn’t laugh, but he smiled a little more wholly. If Remus was upset with him, the apology must’ve meant at least some of that had faded away. Probably.

“It’s okay, Mess,” the nickname rolled off his tongue easily. Remus grinned at him, but it was somehow more manic than usual.

“I probably got you all worried over nothing, bolting on you before you could wake up- and then again earlier, right?”

There was a pause, as Patton tried to decide if the question was rhetoric or not. When the silence stretched on uncomfortably, he found himself nodding. 

Remus huffed out a breath, rocking back and staring up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I- I’m still working at the whole self-improvement thing, ya know? That probably doesn’t make it better, but- I’ve never really had a reason to try and be, uh, considerate. Janus never really cared if I was a bitch, and nobody else ever mattered, and that- yeah, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about.” 

His voice was raspy, low and thick in a way that it almost never was. Patton tipped his head to the side, confused. Remus looked- and sounded- awkward, an expression that was not at home on his face. 

“Wait, um- so it wasn’t anything I did? You’re not upset with me?”

Remus looked at him like he was crazy (ironic, that).

“Upset with you?” He crowed, “Why the fuck would I be upset with you?”

Patton flushed; he laughed embarrassedly, or maybe in relief; he toyed with the sleeves of his sweater.

“I didn’t really- I don’t know, but I was worried that I’d, um, overstepped some boundaries last night, and maybe made you uncomfortable.”

He was only kind of looking at his friend, from out the corners of his eyes. It was still easy to see the way Remus went from confused to amused, and then burst into cackles.

“You- You- Me? Morey, please, it takes a lot to make me uncomfortable- if that’s even possible, actually- and you sure as shit haven’t figured out how to pull it off yet. Sugar, I asked to stay with you!”

The relief flooded Patton all in a rush, and he felt himself finally relax. With Remus laughing and joking and being his usual (sweet, impressively sweet, surprisingly so) self again, it all started seeming a little silly. Remus must’ve seen him coming untense, folding down the same way accordion-pressed paper sprawled out when it was released from a bored student’s hand, because his gaze went warm, like something had finally clicked into place in his head. A problem solved, and what a wonderful solution it had come to- that’s what the look said. 

Patton met the smile just as brightly when the Duke shifted over some of the distance between them, taking up both of Morality’s hands in his own yet again. 

“Well, since it wasn’t something I did,” Patton said, “Then what was the actual problem?”

Remus didn’t look too upset at the question, but he was glancing down, up, sideways- his pupils flitted around the room without really touching on anything for too long; it wasn’t often that he was so obviously thinking something through. His fingers flexed, face a little pink, and he hesitated before answering:

“Okay, it’s like I said, right? I don’t- I’ve never needed to try to be anything for anybody before. I mean that I never wanted to do things in a conform-y way, obviously, but, I never wanted to be considerate, either,” he smirked down at their tangled hands, shrugging. “I don’t think I’m doing too bad for a first try, to be honest- but that’s not the point, the point is- this is… new.”

Patton opened his mouth, reassurances rushing to the tip of his tongue before he was hastily shushed.

“No, look, there’s a difference between being a pushover and just being fucking nice to the people you care about. That’s the problem- or I thought it was a problem, in my dipshit lizard-panic brain this morning- right? I’ve never wanted to do anything for people, because I didn’t need them anyway. I figured I didn’t, I guess, cuz I could survive without ‘em- it wasn’t like I had a choice, but I got on fine. Not to be too… I don’t know, pathetic? Who cares, but- I never knew anything different.”

Patton’s eyes went wide and watery, like the blue of his irises were soaking into everything else and leaking, leaking, leaking. He was squeezing Remus’ hands a little too tight, certainly, and he just wanted to hug him so bad- but despite his words, Remus didn’t even seem to need it. He looked back at Patton, huffed a sigh, looking just plain amused.

“So this hit me when I was talking to Virgil, about ten minutes ago,” he started, “That I woke up today, with you, and I had this thought like… Fuck, I don’t ever wanna move again. I could starve and then start to decompose and probably rot into bloody mush, but I’d probably still be perfectly happy- which is weird, because starvation is easily one of the boringest ways to die, I could go out so much cooler- but, it was more the fact that I was with you, and uh. So, so I thought that- which is so dumb and sappy- and it surprised me so bad that I just ran. And after I had, I was so freaked out, I didn’t even remember why for!”

He took a deep breath, something that he hadn’t done for that entire ramble. Patton got the sense he still wasn’t finished though, and waited patiently.

“I never needed anybody caring about me for me to be okay- the screaming and the fleeing and all that was fine, it was still a reaction. But I think I just realized that I couldn’t go back to that, now.

“Because of you. I knew I liked you, but it never clicked that things would probably suck without you by this point. More than that, I guess- it hit me that just because I can take care of myself, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t fucking blow. That I don’t- I don’t want to be so independent again, okay? That I don’t wanna be alone anymore.”

And he couldn’t help it at all; Patton did hug him, then. He pulled him against his chest as soon as he noticed the words going choppy, choked, and halting. He let go of Remus’ hands, in favor of tangling his fingers in the Duke’s hair and carding through it.

Remus met the embrace with just as much fervor, curling up into the bigger trait. Yet somehow, he wasn’t crying yet.

“Hey, hey, I’m alright,” he murmured, “I mean, don’t let go, obviously- but I’m okay. I had all day to panic! Which I definitely did, by the way, because my whole worldview got screwed over. Finally know how you feel, I guess,” He was joking, Patton could hear his smile. He laughed. “But I got it out of my system, and ya know what I realized after that?”

Patton hummed attentively, letting Remus pull back just enough to see his face.

“I said, ‘okay, I’m processing that, and it doesn’t matter.’ It doesn’t matter because I only realized that maybe I need people once I already had them, and- no offense- but you don’t really seem like the abandoning type. The opposite, that’s what you are.”

Patton beamed. 

“Of course not,” he swore, pressing the words out as though intensity alone could make them more true, more pure. “Never, not ever.”

“Good,” Remus said, “Cuz I’m hanging on to ya, Pat. As long as I can.”

Chapter Eight

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob 

[mrsgreenworld]

Sen Çal Kapımı Episode 12 aka Deliriously in Love

Okay, I feel like if I don't pour my thoughts out here I am gonna explode. I haven't been this level of obsessed and crazy since Arrow and Olicity. Now it's Sen Çal Kapımı and Edser.

Till the latest episode I'd also had a lot of thoughts, feelings and impressions about every episode but I guess I'd just been processing all of it differently. Now I am writing down my thoughts on episode 12 not because I find it particularly good or it's my favourite episode. No, it's because I have reached my limit and need to clear the space in my head. So here it goes.

The things I loved:

☑️‌ basically any moment when Edser was together on screen. The actors - Hande and Kerem - have undeniable great natural chemistry. And the right amount of sexual tension which creates an electric aura around them which I feel just sitting in front of my laptop💓💗🔥

☑️‌ Serkan: being a completely transformed, renewed, reborn person; a constantly smiling person😁; a person humming songs while making breakfast for two; him belly laughing and openly flirting with Eda; him still wearing his engagement ring; him freaking wanting to knock down the walls and doors just to be able to see Eda all the time 😍; him giving Eda the most poetic and symbolic gift💫; him seriously considering going to Italy with Eda; him respecting Eda's decision to keep them a secret for a while; him trying to get Eda to confess her feelings which was both funny and adorable but on the other hand showed how vulnerable and insecure he still is (at least it felt that way to me, I can be wrong in my personal interpretation)

‌☑️ a Serkan Bey scene with Leyla🤣😆. It was a great comedy moment

☑️ ‌Ceren and Ferit meeting and their interaction

☑️ ‌Ceren and Pırıl (is this the right way to spell her name?🤔)talking at the office; it was a great honest scene without petty jealousy and women fighting over a man

☑️ ‌Selin: not her per se; I cannot stand her character as a person; what I liked is basically "what goes around comes around" in action; she had been horrible, selfish and insensitive towards Ferit, looked down on Eda and in the end got what she deserved; I don't want to be judgemental or cruel but it's just the way I feel; I didn't feel sorry for her at the end of the episode but rather very proud of Ferit for finally standing up for himself

‌☑️ Seyfi being the captain of Edser ship🚢💟🕺🤝💪

The things I didn't like, the things that annoyed me:

‌🚩Ayfer's behaviour: this newfound dislike towards Serkan and her reaction to the contract; going behind Eda's back and asking Eda's grandmother for help (that's my lingering annoyance from last week); freaking hypnotizing Eda to get her to talk when Eda obviously didn't want/couldn't talk (I think that scene with the dough was intended to be a funny one but to me it was just an example of a disgusting manipulation)😠

🚩‌Erdem and his big mouth although him hiding from Serkan under the desk was funny

🚩‌Engin and Pırıl (still have no idea how to spell her name): they both seem to me too exaggerated in their hopelessness with each other 🤯

🚩‌Edser's date night at Serkan's house: while cute romantic and all that it was weird in the way it was filmed; I am by no means an expert in filming or editing or directing but I am a movie buff and visually the scene was just not good; maybe if the camera had just stayed on Edser; but the jumping between facing them and a shot from a weird angle with the telescope... nope 🧐😬

🚩‌the plotline around Eda's parents and Serkan's father being responsible for their death: while this has a very good dramatic potential (I am talking about quality drama movie here not drama for the sake of drama) I am afraid that the writers are playing fast and loose here because it's not that kind of show; initially SCK was posed as a romantic comedy and even dramatic and angsty moments had that flair of lightness; on the other hand I understand that Edser is portrayed as a quite mature couple (and I don't mean their actions and behaviour because there's nothing mature about Serkan faking an engagement just to make his ex-girlfriend jealous); there's something mature about the way they are with each other... I don't know how to explain it or if it even makes sense (it does in my head 🙈😆); anyway, I think that for them to break up it would have to be something really serious and big and bad. Hence the horror show involving Eda's parents coming our way

‌🚩 I am sorry but Eda's outfit she was wearing at the office. What fresh hell was that???😬 Consider me an unfashionable prude but that outfit was unprofessional and way too revealing 🙅❌

And finally the things I hated:

❎☣️ ‌AYDAN: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN???🤬😡😠 As if last week and the way she behaved towards Eda in that goodbye scene wasn't enough. Then in this episode she went on bitching about Eda and her friends, continued pushing for this ridiculous reunion with Selin and finally the last nail in her coffin - the reaction to finding out the truth about Eda's parents. The first thoughts of this woman, the first words to leave her mouth are delusional accusations! What kind of a person in their right mind would think of accusing the person who actually suffered in such a situation? I think Aydan would want revenge if she ever was in a situation like this. So she assumes that everyone is just like her. This type of people don't really believe or maybe don't understand that there are genuinely good and forgiving people like Eda in this world. It's so disappointing to see that. Any hint of sympathy or warmth or understanding that I'd developed for Aydan is gone. Say whatever you want but she is not a good person. And for me she's a villian from now on

❎☣️ what happened to Serkan in those last seconds of the episode? Was he abducted by aliens?👽👀 THE *UCK IS WRONG WITH HIM TOO? What kind of logic told him to go after Selin in that very moment? I am not saying ignore her, ignore what happened, don't talk to or look at anyone except Eda now... Of course not. It's what a normal person and friend would do - ask how Selin is, what's wrong, what happened, how to help... Call her, come to her. But AFTER. Do this after Selin deals with this herself. It's her relationship. Yes, Serkan is the reason this even happened but in that very moment it's not his place to do or say anything. As if he would want someone to meddle in if that were him and Eda.

Phew! It took a whole day out of my life to put it all down. Glad to finally be free of all the thoughts.

[atlafan]

Just Friends

a/n: I can’t believe I’ve been driven to write one of these, but here I am. All of the italics conversations are just flashbacks for context. this is a slow build (which I usually don’t do), and there is smut (words - 9K)

“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this.” He said, looking down at me with the hungriest eyes I had ever seen.

Harry and I have been friends for a long time, since we were teenagers. Each taking our different paths down the fame walkway. I had my own hit TV show, which just ended after ten years. Not too shabby. While also continuing a normal education, and making music. He had the band, and world tours.

We tried once. When I was seventeen and he was nineteen. I was a senior in high school, and he was just starting to film his 3D concert tour. When I was in the area for something I would let him know. Often times I was on the same talk shows as him and the band. We were good friends, great friends really. I had a group chat with the boys, but Harry and I were the closest. We tried doing one of those “together when we’re together things”, but all I felt comfortable doing was make out. That’s when he started seeing Taylor. I got dragged into this weird love triangle. When I told him I would be done with him completely, because I just couldn’t handle the drama, he broke things off with her.

We went back to having aggressive make out sessions, him always being a gentleman, never making me do anything I didn’t feel comfortable with. The media suspected something deep was between us, but we would just say we were good friends, nothing more.

I’ll never forget when he asked me if he could take me to my prom, I said no at first, not wanting a media circus, or for every single girl (and some boys) at my school to bombard him. They were used to me being famous, but it would be a lot for him to be there. Eventually I gave in, who else would I have fun with anyways? No, we didn’t have sex on prom night. We danced all night, and crashed together in his hotel room, nothing more. It’s not that I was a prude, I just genuinely wasn’t ready. I wanted to, boy did I want to, but I was young and scared. Besides that, we were both always so busy.

We would’ve been great together, but I was selfish. I didn’t want to deal with long distance. At the end of the summer, before I went to college, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He was mad, beyond pissed really. He thought we were moving in a completely different direction. I was taking the first semester to solely focus on school, even putting my TV show on hold until winter break. I would still write music, to be released years later. That was sort of my thing. Write a song, lock in the vault, and release it when I no longer felt the way I did when I wrote it.

He started getting photographed with every girl out there. He knew I would see the tabloids. We stopped talking until it came out that I was seeing someone. I happened to be in New York when Josh Hutcherson hosted SNL. We met, and he asked me out. We somehow ended up in a relationship, it was all over the news. I’ll never forget when Harry called me. I could hear the strain in his voice when he asked, “Is it true”. I immediately burst into tears.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because I know what you’re going to say?”

“What’s that?”

“That I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship with you, but I can do it with him.”

“Hm…you still know me so well.”

“It hurts less.”

“What does?”

“Being apart from him. I don’t feel the need to have him around all the time. It hurt with you…”

“So, you’re with him because it’s easy? That’s a fucking load.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. You’ve been out and about too.”

“Yeah, I have. With some friends here and there, but nothing serious.”

The conversation went round in circles. It ended with us both crying. My roommate had walked in, so I had to get off the phone. We barely talked after that. I understood why he was hurt, I really did. I liked Josh, I may even have loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. We broke it off after six months, agreeing that we were better as friends. I never let him touch me, not in that way. Make outs here and there, but nothing below the belt. I still just wasn’t ready to give myself fully to someone.

We broke up right when my first year of school ended. I jumped right back into work. Between my music, TV show, and working on a movie, I had a really busy summer. Harry and I started texting again here and there. Just sending each other memes we thought were funny.

My first week of sophomore year was the week before the VMA’s. I contemplated just skipping the first week of school so I wouldn’t have to fly back and forth, but I had too much anxiety to get behind. Even if it was syllabus week. By the first Thursday of the semester, I had met a guy at my friend’s apartment. I went to a party with him and flirted all night. He was cute, really cute. We ended up exchanging phone numbers before I left. The next night he invited me over, and before I knew it, I was having sex for the first time. Well, getting fingered for the first time, giving a blow job for the first time, hell, just seeing a penis in the flesh for the first time.

It was better than I ever could’ve imagined. It was an out of body experience. He was obviously very experienced, and took really good care of me. His dick was large and thick. How it fit into me, I still have no idea. I was sore the next day, I could barely walk. I went back to his place again that night. I didn’t let him fuck me again, but we did other stuff. I had to be on a plane Sunday morning to get to the VMAs in time.

I was walking like I had a stick up my ass, and my short dress was far too tight. Walking the red carpet was not a good time. I walked as quickly as I could until I could get inside and get to my seat. He was there, well they were there. His hair was a little longer, it suited him, even if I missed his curls. I didn’t get to say hi until one of the after parties. He walked up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, picked me up and twirled me around. It was our thing, he had always done that. I squealed playfully. I turned around and gave him a proper hug.

“It’s so good to see you.” I said to him.

“Same to you. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course?”

“Why have you been walking around waddling like a penguin all night?” Shit. I looked around, too many people might be able to see us talking. I drag him into a bathroom, close the door, and lock it. “Well, I wasn’t expecting this.”

“Shut up, I just wanted a private space to talk. I have big news, sort of.” He leans his back against the sink counter.

“Alright, what happened?”

“Well…I had sex for the first time”, I looked down, “two days ago.” I thought his jaw was going to detach from his head the way it opened.

“Come again?”

“I had sex for the first time, two-“

“Jesus, I heard you the first time.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. Then he finally looked at me. “Well, how was it?”

“Do you really wanna know?”

“Look, I’m done being a little bitch baby, we’re friends aren’t we? Spill.”

“Okay, well…” I told him everything. It was like word vomit. When I was done he stood there stunned, not sure of what to say.

“So you’ve seen him twice already?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe he wanted to see me again so soon.”

“Have you looked at yourself? What guy wouldn’t want to immediately fuck you again?” I felt my face flush.

“Harry…” I roll my eyes at him.

“As your friend, I’m telling you, you’re fucking hot. You know you are. You have a dancer’s body.”

“Because I’m a dancer.”

“And yet, you’re curvy. You have it all.”

“Stop objectifying me.” I swat at him playfully.

“S’not what I’m doing. This doesn’t explain why you’re walking funny.”

“Are you kidding? I was so sore the next day. I sneezed and I thought my fucking vagina had fallen out.” He smirked at me.

“Was he that rough with you?” He said with a more concerned look.

“Not exactly, but it was my first time you know? It’s not like I had anything up there before, other than tampons, but even still this” I held up my pinky, “is a lot smaller than this”, I held my arm and fisted my hand.

“It wasn’t that big.”

“It was big enough, I know that. I think I’m just walking funny because clearly these muscles weren’t used to that kind of workout.”

“So, how many times did he make you come?”

“I’m not sure…”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m not sure. It felt really good, I think it happened while he was using his fingers.”

“If you even have to think about it, then it didn’t happen.” He scoffs.

“Not true, I’ve never had one before, how would I know?”

“Believe me, angel, you would know. He should’ve had you screaming.”

“Oh he did, his neighbors heard everything.” My cheeks flushed again with embarrassment.

“Are you going to see him again?”

“God, I hope so. I’m afraid I’m going to get obsessed or something. Now that I know what it’s like, I want to have it all the time, but I don’t want to hook up with a bunch of different people.” I looked down.

“You don’t have to justify your actions to me. I’m no saint. Keep fucking him, fuck other people. Just do what you want.”

“Thanks..thanks for listening Harry. I’m sure it wasn’t the story you were hoping for.”

He smiled at me, and finally left the bathroom. It felt like we started talking all the time after that. We were good friends again. Sharing stories and secrets. He even let me cry on the phone to him when the guy I was hooking up with showed his true colors. He wasn’t a good person, and our relationship was toxic.

The day I turned twenty-one, a huge surprise party was thrown for me. Plenty of famous people were there. The one person I wanted there wasn’t, and he wasn’t answering my texts. Niall and Louis came. The band had just gone on hiatus, but you wouldn’t have known with how good of a time they were having. I just wanted my best friend there, but I had a distraction. Zac and I had gotten really close in the last couple of years. He was the one to roll out my cake, he sang me happy birthday. As I blew out the candles, he said he had a question to ask me. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I of course said yes, it was a dream come true. I was with the man I had a crush on as a young girl.

Harry texted the next day saying he was sorry, and had to cancel last minute, and hoped I would understand. He told me was happy for me, and that was that.

The first two years with Zac were pure bliss. He was so good about me getting through my last year of school. After I graduated I finally had the time to go on a world tour. It killed me that he couldn’t come to every show, but I understood. He was busy too.

In 2018, I signed on to do a movie. It was about these two college students. I played a simple girl who meets a guy who’s rough around the edges, and changes her life completely. It happened to be based off of a fan fiction about my good friend Harry Styles. I didn’t tell him about it, but I thought it was funny. Zac wasn’t thrilled. He never felt threatened by anyone before, but when I showed him a picture of my co-star, he wasn’t annoyed. He was handsome, and more around my age, a couple years younger actually. I couldn’t figure out why Zac was so upset, it wasn’t like I hadn’t done a sexy movie before. I did the movie, and many of my co-stars and I became good friends. Zac begged me to go on this big ski trip with him, but I refused. I had press junkets, and award shows coming up.

I got the call about his accident. I rushed to the hospital he was transported to. If I’m being honest, his accident saved our relationship…for about two months. Then the movie came out and he had started accusing me of cheating on him. He got more possessive. That summer when I told him we’d be filming the second movie, he was beyond furious I signed on before talking to him.

That fall, Harry was set to host SNL. As someone who had done it a couple times before, I wanted to be there for him. Surprise him, really. Usually I would spend all my free time with Zac, but I was so sick of his shit. I needed to get away. It was wonderful seeing Harry again.

“What are you doin’ here?” He said, picking me up, and spinning me around.

“Thought I’d surprise you.”

“How kind.” He smiled at me.

“I’m also very curious to see what single you’ll be revealing tonight.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

“Ah, there it is.” Were we flirting? Maybe a little. But, that’s how it was with us.

He absolutely crushed it. And if I’m being honest, I teared up at his slowed down version of Lights Up. Watermelon Sugar blew me away. He’s beyond talented, and I was so very proud of my friend.

At the after party, I couldn’t help but vent about the issues I was having with Zac.

“I mean, you’d think after three and half years he would trust me. I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me. I mean, I went off birth control last year. If I was fucking around, why would I stop taking the pill?”

“Okay, I’m going t’say something, and I want you to not get mad.”

“Alright.”

“In my experience, if someone is constantly accusing someone else of cheating, it’s usually because they themselves have had a slip up.”

“Are you saying that you think Zac cheated on me at some point?”

“It’s possible. You two were separated for a bit weren’t you?”

“Well, we’re always kind of separated.”

“I could be completely wrong, but you can’t rule it out.”

“Why would he lie to me though?”

“Maybe he realized he made a huge mistake. Look, I haven’t told a lot of people this but, um, I slipped up on my ex. It was stupid, and I felt horrible. I told her, and she forgave me, but she ended it.”

“Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry.”

“It was over a year ago, we’re on pretty decent terms, but she’s already with someone else, and she’s happy.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…don’t just stay with someone because it’s comfortable. You don’t seem super happy.”

“What should I do? Just walk up to him and ask him if he cheated on me?”

“Just…do what you think is right, love.”

When I got back to L.A., I walked right into the living room, leaving my bag at the door. Zac was sitting on the couch watching TV. I greeted him, he was happy to see me.

“I saw the episode, he was really good.”

“Yeah, he was. Hey, um, could you turn the TV off, I need to talk to you.”

“Alright.” He does as I ask. “What’s up?”

“Have you ever cheated on me?” He blinks at me, and sighs. “I need a yes or a no.”

“Yes.” I stand up immediately.

“When!?”

“A year and a half ago. We had grown so distant, and instead of facing my fears and talking to you about it, I-“

“Fucked someone else?”

“I wouldn’t say it like that, but yes.”

“I need to go.” He walks after me.

“You’re just going to walk away?”

“You have bene lying to me for over a year! I can’t deal with this right now. It’s late, and I can’t be around you. You did the one thing that you knew would make me leave you.”

“You know what I think? I think you were hoping I would say yes so you could leave me.”

“Fuck you, that’s not true. I need to get away from you before we both say things we’ll regret. I’ll come back tomorrow to figure out packing up my stuff.”

“So you’re just going to move out?!”

“This isn’t my house, it’s yours. It wouldn’t be healthy for me to stick around. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“To a hotel, probably.”

I didn’t go to a hotel. I drove for two hours to the one place I knew I could go, no questions asked. To Harry’s. Praying he was home as I drove up his long driveway. My license plate had a clearance past the gate. I grabbed my suitcase and I got out of the car, and rang his door bell. He opened the door, confused at first, then he smiled.

“Uh, hi.”

“Sorry it’s so late. Could I stay in one of your guest rooms tonight? I just broke up with Zac, and I thought I wanted to be alone, but I don’t.”

“Oh my god, yeah of course, come in.”

He took my suitcase for me. He grabbed me some sweats to wear, and made me a cup of tea. He didn’t ask any questions because he already knew the answers. We stayed up late watching my movie.

“So, when do I start singing?”

“You don’t sing, you’re not famous. And it’s not really you. It’s just your likeness, see it’s not even your name.”

We laughed about it. It was a really silly concept, but Harry is a sucker for intense, romantic films. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up slightly to the feeling of Harry carrying me up the stairs.

“Bring me to your room. I don’t want to sleep alone.” I said, almost in a whisper.

He doesn’t say anything, he just did as I said. He lays me down onto his California king sized bed. It wasn’t the first time we had shared a bed. Usually it was a hotel room when these things would happen. I didn’t feel nervous, in fact I was quite comfortable. I hadn’t cried, or felt like crying until my head hit the pillow. I cried into my hands. He crawled in next to me, and pulled my hands away from my face, and pushed me into him, letting my cry onto his now bare chest. He rubbed my back as I was basically convulsing. His gentle hushes and “there there’s” helped me calm down. He continued to soothe me as my breathing went back to normal. I flipped onto my back and stared at the ceiling. He stayed on his side facing me.

“He ruined everything. I can’t believe I actually wanted to have children with him! I’ll be okay, I know I will. I have a penthouse in L.A. I can live in. I’m just so mad. I’ve known him ten years, Harry, ten fucking years. Dating for three and a half years. That’s my longest relationship ever! I don’t want him out of my life, that’s the worst part. How could I still want him around?”

“Because you love him.”

“I do, how could I?”

“Because you have a history, angel. Just take some time to be apart. It’s okay to want to work up  t’being friends.”

“I could never be with him again. Knowing that he so easily could stick his dick somewhere else and then stick it in me makes me sick.” I start to feel my tears burn my cheeks again.

“Please don’t cry again, love, I can’t bare it. Just come here, yeah?” He pulls me back to his chest, and he soothes me again. I ended up falling asleep like that.

A couple of weeks had gone by. All of my things were moved out of Zac’s, and into my pent house in the city. Harry and I talked almost every day. We both performed at the Brits, and he talked me into coming on the Late Late Show with him. He would be hosting in James’ place the following week, and he wanted me to play spill your guts or fill your guts. I agreed, of course.

The food was absolutely disgusting. Luckily, I’m an open book, or I was. I went dead on social media. Zac and I had released a statement about our break up. I straight up stopped posting. People can be so cruel during these times. I didn’t want to drag his name through the mud, but everyone accused me of cheating on him with my co-star. I just didn’t acknowledge anything, which pissed the media off, but what the fuck did I care?

“Okay, next question. How about, the salmon smoothie?”

“Ugh, alright. Ask away.”

“What songs, if any, off your last album are about me?” He had a sly look on his face, and crowd hollered. I pondered for a moment. If I was being honest, there were three songs about him, but I wasn’t going to reveal that on television.

“Bottoms up!” I say, lifting the glass. I take small sip, and nearly gag at the smell alone. I immediately spit out the liquid. It legitimately was a salmon smoothie. I looked up and my friend was just laughing at me.

“My turn. Let’s see, how about the scorpion?” He rolls his eyes at me. “Out of Louis, Liam, Niall, and Zayn-“ before I can even finish the question he takes the scorpion fully into his mouth. The crowd roars.

Next we go sit on the couch so he can interview me.

“You know what’s great?” He asks.

“What?”

“I’ve seen you more in the last two months than I have in the last three years.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship it’s hard justifying spending your free time with another guy.” The crowd is silent as it’s my first time publicly addressing my break up. “But, obviously, I don’t have to worry about that anymore!” I laugh nervously. “Okay, I know there is a giant elephant in the room. All I’m going to say is I’m single, and that’s how it is. Zac and I are still friends, but this is what’s best for us right now.”

“I think it’s really brave of you to be here tonight. It was even more brave of you to drink that disgusting smoothie.”

The interview stayed lighter from there. When we finished recording everything, he followed me to my dressing room.

“I’m going to my club tonight.” I say to him. “Do you want to meet up there?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

“Cool, I didn’t know if you’d be busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you, love.”

We smiled at each other, and I felt something I hadn’t felt from him in a long time. We went our separate ways after agreeing on what time to meet up.

I decided to wear my hair down and wavy, a black lace spaghetti strap body suit, high wasted jeans, and my leather jacket. When I got to the club, he was there already, in the VIP section, where we couldn’t be bothered. We drank, danced, and laughed for hours. It was like we were teenagers again.

He invited me to come back to his place in Malibu, and I happily agreed. I like his house. It was private, and had a charm to it. It was a long car ride out there, but it was worth it.

I kicked my heels off the second I got inside. He poured us some drinks from his drink cart. He asked if he could play me his album. I told him I’d be honored. We sat on his hardwood floor and listened to every track. Stopping to make refills of our drinks. I teared up at Cherry, but Falling, oh god, Falling made me sob. He cried too, and then we both started laughing. I eventually took my jacket off, leather makes me too sweaty. I was essentially wearing lingerie with jeans. The rest of the album just made me smile.

“You are so talented, Harry. I mean it. It blew me away.”

“I’m so glad you liked it.”

“I loved it.” I smiled at him. My cheeks felt hot from the amount of alcohol I consumed.

“Let’s listen to something more upbeat, yeah?”

He got up slowly, and put a different record on. It was the O’Jays, I Love Music.

“Oh! I love this song!” I get up.

“You know this song?”

“Of course I do. I’m not an idiot.”

“No, you’re not.”

I sway over to him, and clothes my eyes as I let the music take over. He laughs at me a little.

“You can’t laugh, because you actually suck at dancing.” I stick my tongue out at him.

“I’m not that bad.”

“I guess not. I do like to see you move when you’re really into a song.”

“Oh, really?”

“Mhm. Come here, come dance with me.”

I take his hands and we just dance like silly idiots around the room. We fumble into each other a couple times, and we can’t help but laugh. He accidentally bumps me too hard and knocks me to the floor. I laugh so hard tears fall. He cuts the music and rushes to me.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so fucking clumsy.”

“It’s okay, I’m fine. It was funny.”

“I feel like a giant oaf sometimes.”

“You just feel that way because you’re over a foot taller than me.”

“It’s true you are pretty tiny compared to me.” He helps me up from the floor. I notice his eyes on my chest. I just realized how exposed I really am. “Well, only some parts of you are tiny.” He says with red cheeks.

“Do want to know something?”

“Sure.” He says, looking me in the eyes.

“I have written songs about you. I’m not going to tell you which ones though.”

“What inspired them?”

“I had feelings for you, strong feelings. But I was selfish.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt?”

“Because I felt like I couldn’t give you what you needed. You know what always surprised me?”

“What?”

“After I told you I wasn’t a virgin anymore those years ago, you never made a move.”

“I also didn’t want to be selfish.” I step closer to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Explain.”

“What was I going to do? Fuck you and then go on tour? That was like your worst fear, remember? Me loving you and leaving you. Besides, I would’ve either had to convince you to come with me, or I would have had to enroll at your school.” I let you a laugh.

“Why’s that?”

“Because if you and I were gonna go there, I wouldn’t be able to be away from you.”

“Harry…” I reached up, and put a hand on his cheek. He nuzzled into it.

I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol, or the fact that he and I were both very single for the first time in years, but I was feeling that familiar feeling from him again. I start to giggle, and remove my hand.

“What’s so funny?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Nothing, it’s just weird that you have stubble now. We’ve grown so much since then, but every time I’m with you I’m back to being that seventeen year old. It’s nice, really. I also think it’s funny because I hate when situations like this happen in movies.”

“Situations like what?”

“When two stupid people just have horrible communication, and refuse to tell the other how they feel, until years later, and they both realize they felt the exact same way, so they should have just gone for it.”

“As much as it hurt back then, I’m glad we didn’t. We could’ve wound up hating each other.”

“We were too young, I agree.” I walk away from him, and run a hand through my hair. He doesn’t let me get too far away. He gets right up close to me. He taps on my forehead.

“What’s goin’ on up there?” I look up at him intently. The green in both of our eyes visibly matched.

I put both of my hands on his collar and tug him down to me so we’re eye level. I’m nervous with what I’m about to do. It’s not like we haven’t kissed before, it’s that this kiss is going to lead to more than I have ever done with him. I swallow hard. He grows impatient, cupping my cheeks with his hands, bring my lips to his in a crashing motion.

We don’t waste any time. My arms are wrapped around his neck in seconds, and his hands trail down to my butt and then down to my thighs, hoisting me up. I wrap my legs around him, never breaking our kiss, he quickly walks us over to the stairs to go up to his bedroom.

My lips part for him, and his tongue immediately dips inside, but only for a moment. He walks us into his room, and pushes my body up against the wall, still holding me up. He kisses on my jaw, then down just below my earlobe. I let out a small moan, and I can feel his lips move into a smile.

“You still like being kissed here, huh?”

“Mhmm.” Is all I can muster out as he nibbles on my neck. It was true, I loved getting a good hickey. When I was in college I would let guys absolutely destroy my neck, and I would have to always wear a scarf or turtleneck if I had an interview. No amount of makeup ever covers those things up properly.

He bring me over to his bed, and plops me down on the edge. He leans down to kiss me again as I unbutton his shirt. He lets it slide down his tattooed arms. I kiss down his long torso as he stands between my legs, nibbling where I feel appropriate. I notice the material near his bulge grow tighter, an image I was quite familiar with, but never took advantage of. Before I’m able to reach to palm him, I feel his hands on my shoulders, and he pushes me back on the bed. My legs still dangling over the side, my feet unable to reach the ground.

He steps closer, and runs a hand down from neck to my chest to my stomach. I arch my back up at the intimate touch. He loved the feeling of lace. A secret he disclosed to me years ago when he felt the material of a dress I was wearing. His eyes go wide and I see him smile.

“What?”

“You know what I just now realized?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “You can visibly see your nipples through this top.”

“Yeah, that’s why I was wearing my jacket all night.”

“Do you always wear lingerie as outerwear?”

“No, and it’s not technically lingerie, it’s a lacy bodysuit. I would normally wear a bra or something, but I just didn’t feel like it.”

“Hm.”

He reaches down to unbutton my jeans. He looks at me for a moment, silently asking for permission. I nod, giving him the go ahead. I was thankful I shaved every inch of my body earlier, not that he would ever care. For my own peace of mind really. I feel him slowly draw my zipper down. I left my hips so he can tug them off. His eyes go wide.

“Flip over.” He said with his eyebrows furrowed. I do as he says, choosing to sit up on my knees.

I feel his fingertips graze over the part of my bum that’s exposed. The bottom of the bodysuit essentially looked like lacy, cheeky underwear. A single finger slides into the material, and I feel goosebumps all over my body.

“So, you’ve literally been naked under this thing all night? Not even wearing a thong?” I look over my shoulder and give him a funny look.

“Obviously not.”

“How do you go to the bathroom? Do you just get naked?”

“No, there are two small snaps on the crotch so I don’t have to do that.”

“I see. Smart.”

I turn back around to face him. He pushes me gently back down on my back, and I prop myself up on my elbows.  

“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this.” He said, looking down at me with the hungriest eyes I had ever seen.

I smile up at him, before I can speak that I feel the same way, I feel his knee push my legs open, and his hand dart to my center. He smirked, but tried to hide it as his cheeks grew red. I knew I was wet for him already. The initial kiss downstairs was enough to stir something within me. I looked down at his hand to see his palm pressed up against me. He was teasing, it was cute. I let out a moan, and lifted my hips up for him. He used his other hand to press down on my stomach to keep me in place. He wanted to be in control, and I wanted to let him. I’m always the one in control of everything, it was nice to let someone else handle me.

I inched back further on the bed, and crawled over to the headboard to I could sit up against it. He followed my actions. I put my finger out with a “come here” motion. Before getting on the bed with me, he undid his pants and let them drop to the floor, careful to leave his tight, black boxers on.

His hand went to the back of my neck, and I part my legs for him. He pulled me in for a kiss, this time my tongue slipping inside his mouth. We grabbed at each other feverishly, him letting out a moan as I bit down on his bottom lip.

“You still like that, I see.” I say into his ear, before nibbling on his ear lobe.

He cupped my breasts in his large hands and kneaded them. I lifted my hips to grind against him, and he pressed up hard against me. He pulled the thin straps of the body suit down off my shoulders, and kissed and sucked on my collar bone. My head rolled back as he began to suck so hard on my skin that it would be sure to leave a mark. I dug my nails into his lower back, letting him know he could keep doing what he’s doing. He kept tugging the material down, and I let out a small laugh.

“You won’t get it off this way, there’s a zipper on the back.”

He rolled his eyes and huffed. I sat up on my knees, and turned around. I moved my hair out of the way so he could unzip me. He pulled my back to his chest, and lowered the material to my waist, fulling exposing my breasts. His kissed the back of my shoulder as he cupped me again. I leaned back further into him as he gave my nipples light pinches, hoping he would turn me around to suck on them.

Harry pushed me down for what felt like the tenth time tonight, and hovered over me. He kissed me on the mouth, then down to my collar bone, to my chest, leaving a trail of wet, sloppy kisses. He kissed down my left breast, and took the other in his hand. He swirled his tongue around my nipple, and then began to suck on it. Soft at first, and then with more lust. I pushed one of my hands through his hair, and had the other one on his shoulder. I couldn’t help the moans that left my mouth as he worked my breasts, arching my back and pushing my head further into the pillow. He lifted his head to take a breath, and I whimper at the loss of contact.

He begins to kiss just below my breast, and down my stomach, pulls the body suit in even lower. He stops for a moment, a surprised look on his face when he gets to my naval.

“When did you get this?” He asks, gesturing to the diamond stud pierced into my belly button.

“Um, I don’t know like a year ago. I always wanted one, and I finally got it. It’s cute right?”

“Yeah, uh, very cute.” He says furrowing his brow, lightly tapping the diamond.

“To tell you the truth, I really wanted my nipples done, but I chickened out. This didn’t hurt as much as I thought, so maybe I’ll still get them done.”

“You definitely should, imagine how good it would with me sucking on you then.” My face flushes. We were starting to dive into a specific territory, and I didn’t know how much I could handle hearing him talk this way to me seriously, rather than playfully.

He smirks when I don’t respond, and pulls the material down to my hips, revealing my hip bones. He kisses down my naval and nibbles on one of my hip bones for a moment or two. I suck in a breath as I feel him push my legs open further. He kisses down my inner thigh, and kisses me on my center, where the thin, lace, now soaked, material was.

“Harry, please, just take it all the way off.” I groan.

“Not yet.” He waves a finger at me.

He pushes the material to the side and swipes his tongue over me. My hips buck up at the sudden contact. He smiles and uses a hand to press down on my lower stomach to keep me in place. He swipes his tongue over me again, in a light, teasing manner. I can feel my breathing become more erratic as my chest heaves up and down. Before I’m able to dive my hands in his hair he leans up, and reaches out a finger to my lips. I look at him, puzzled, unsure of what he wants from me. Am I being too loud?

“Open, please.” Oh. I see. I open my mouth for him, and suck on his finger. “Good, thank you.”

He goes back down between my legs, and inserts a finger. I try to squeeze my legs together, but he uses his free arm to wrap around one of the thighs to keep me in place. I couldn’t believe the sight before me. Never did I ever think this would happen between us. Harry was pumping a finger in and out of me, with expertise might I add. He tries to get a second finger in, but he’s unable.

“You’re like, really tight.” I throw an arm over my face. “S’not a bad thing, I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“I just haven’t done this in a while.”

“Done what?”

“Have sex.”

“When was the last time?”

“I don’t know…six months ago? Maybe?”

“Jesus, you poor thing.”

“And when I do it for myself, I don’t necessarily need to stick anything in.” His cheeks flush even more than they already are. Assuming he has a mental image of me pleasuring myself.

“Right.”

He removes his finger from me, and tugs my bodysuit all the way off. Finally. He parts my legs further. He looks up at me, asking for approval again. I put my hands in his hair and push his face down. I feel the smile on his mouth as his tongue makes circles around my clit. Every little flick he makes sends electricity running through me. He slides his tongue down further where I’m dripping for him. We share in a moan as his tongue enters me. I grind myself against him in full pleasure. I almost wish he would let me sit on his face so I could just ride his tongue, but it was too soon for that. I wanted him to feel like he had complete control of my body.

I felt his thumb start to rub my clit rapidly as he continued to dart his tongue in and out of me. A loud moan left me, as I know I’m going to come undone any second. I squeeze harder on his hair, causing him to moan into me, his hot breath making my eyes go into the back of my head. He quickly moves his mouth to suck and nibble on my clit while he reinserts his finger, make a “come here” motion from inside.

“H, Harry, I’m gonna-“ The noise that left me was unrecognizable as my voice. For a moment, everything went white as I slammed the back of my head into the pillow. My chest heaving up and down. As my vision come back, I see him sit up, and suck on the finger that was just inside of me. My mouth falls open as a prop myself up on my elbows.

“So sweet, just like how I imagined you’d taste.” He leaned down and kissed my open mouth, and got off the bed. I watched his every move.

“I want to taste you now.”

“I’d love nothing more than that, but I really don’t want to blow my load in your mouth. I really just want to fuck you.” He says, essentially staring into your soul. He pulls his boxers down.

My eyes went wide at the sight of him. I’ve felt the imprint of his dick before, I knew how long it was, but I didn’t realize how much girth he would have. That’s what I like the best. I couldn’t wait to feel him stretch me apart. I had had the same dick for over three years, I was ready for this. As he sits back down on the bed next to me, I realize something.

“Wait, do you have any condoms?”

“Are you still allergic to latex?”

“Um, yeah.” How the fuck did he remember that?

“Then I don’t have any we can use, love.” He frowns at me.

“No problem, I should have some in my purse. I’ll go down stairs and grab it.”

“No, no, I want you right there just like that. I’ll get it.”

He didn’t even put his boxers back on before running out of the room. I suppose it’s his house, so who cares if he runs around naked. He’s back upstairs in seconds with my purse. He tosses it to me. I rummage through to find the pocket that I keep my condoms in. Luckily, I have quite a few. Something tells me we won’t be one and done tonight. His face lights up when I pull a handful out.

“A bit eager aren’t we?” I laugh.

“Just keep some in your drawer.”

“These aren’t like sheep skin right?”

“Nope, they still prevent against everything, they just don’t have latex in them.”

“I love that you just keep a hoard of them on you at all times.”

“I’m too old to feel uncomfortable for a week.”

“You’re twenty-four, you’re not old.”

“Stop talking, and put the damn condom on, would you?”

“You are eager.”

I swat at him, but he listens to me. He takes one and opens it with his teeth. I cringe a little because you’re not really supposed to do that, but I couldn’t complain either because it was extremely hot. I yank it back from him. If he wasn’t going to let me suck on him, I at least wanted to put the condom on. I rolled it over his length, and he let out a sigh of relief. I can’t imagine how much pressure has built up for him.

I scootch down on the mattress, and he hovers over me again. I open my legs and guide him into me slowly. This time we both let out a sigh of relief. He doesn’t move at first, savoring the moment he wished had happened years ago.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking tight.” His hoarse voice says into my ear. His hands move my legs to wrap around his waist.

Harry moves his hips in a circle and I almost lose it again right there. My nails dig into his broad shoulders. He starts to move in and out slowly. My eyes start to water, and he looks down at me, worried.

“I’m fine. You’re just so big, but it feels good, I promise.” I whisper.

That was all the reassurance he needed. He picked up the pace and moved in and out of me, slamming into me at points. He rubbed his thumb on my clit rapidly and I tightened around him. I clawed at the blankets at the bed, and squirmed under him. Screaming his name over and over, I come undone for the second time. This time, though, he doesn’t give me any time to recover, as he keeps rubbing me while he moves in a circle again.

“Jesus, fuck!” I moan out as my third orgasm comes.

Harry sucks on the salty skin of my neck, as I comb my fingers through his hair.

“I want you on top now.” My chest is heaving, but I nod.

He flips us over, careful to not pull out of me, afraid of leaving my warmth even for a second. I lift my ass up, sliding slowly up his cock, and bob back down on him. He lets out my name in a moan and it’s heaven to my ears. He lets me ride him. I make circles with my hips, and bounce up and down. I feel my head tip back and my back arch. Number four. I collapse onto his chest, letting him know he can take the lead once again. I feel his hips rise and fall, slamming into me each time. I keep my head berried in his neck.

“So good, don’t stop.” I say into his ear.

“Let me fuck you from behind, I’m desperate to see your ass.”

He lifts me off of him, and I immediately go onto my hands and knees. He pulls me by my hips to line us up just right. I feel his hands rub my cheeks, and he gives me a swat. Gentle enough to not be classified as a spank, but hard enough to leave my skin pink.

Harry slowly enters me again, this time with the most ease. My walls plenty slick and stretched out for him now. He makes hard and quick thrusts into me, and his fingers press hard into my hips. The sound of my ass slapping against him makes me fall to my elbows, giving him a better angle for access.

“That’s it, angel, take all of me.” He grunts through his teeth.

Suddenly, I feel his fist wrap through my hair, and he tugs me up. He grabs at my chest and presses me close to his back. I lift my arm up to wrap around into his hair. His mouth pressed to my temple. We’re both panting in unison. One more moan of his name and I feel myself come undone for the fifth time tonight.

“You’re doing so well for me.” He says into my ear before he lets me plop my face back down into the bed. His movements start to get sloppy. His end is near. He repeats my name over and over.

“Oh, fuck.” He lets out.

Harry collapses on top of me. I scoot my butt up into him, as he presses into me further. Once he catches his breath, he swats my ass again, and slowly pulls out of me.

“Don’t move, love.” He gets up to dispose of the condom. He jogs into his en suite bathroom, and comes back with a small hand towel. I rest my head on top of my folded arms as he wipes the wetness that lingers between my legs.

“I could’ve done that. I need to get up to pee anyway.”

“I know, I just wanted another excuse to look at you this way.”

I get up off the bed and use the bathroom. I feel a slight burn. There’s a light pink when I check the toilet paper. I sigh, and flush the toilet. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. It’s my own damn fault for letting things get so bad in my previous relationship that we stopped having sex. I look at my disheveled appearance in the mirror. I take the elastic on my wrist and throw my hair up. I find a clean wash cloth and some facial soap, and wash my face. I have no energy to go through my full skin regimen so this will have to do. My thighs feel tight with every step, I’m definitely going to feel this tomorrow.

I walk out of the bathroom, and see Harry, now with a clean pair of boxers on, laying with his eyes closed and a big smile on his face. I cough so he knows I’m present. I smile at him, as he watches me pad over to his dresser. I grab a simple white t-shirt out of his drawer and throw it over my head. It covers just around the middle of my thighs. I climb on top of the large bed, and snuggle up next to him. He puts an arm around me.

“I hope you know that shirt won’t be staying on for long. I fully intend to fuck you again, just need a few minutes.”

“Mhm.”

“You alright? Feeling okay?”

“I feel great actually. Was it what you hoped it would be?”

“Better than I ever could’ve imagined. I loved getting lost in you.”

“Same here.”

Even though I was a little sore, we had sex two more times that night. The last time I let him finish in my mouth, finally letting me taste him. When we got up in the morning, he suggested a shower. I didn’t think anything of it until my back was pressed up against the wall, and he had me lifted, pressing inside of me. We couldn’t get enough of each other.

We each had things to do today. I needed to get back to L.A. so I could get to my office, and go over some content for my YouTube channel. And he had to get ready to go back to London soon for the holidays.

“Will you be going to Boston soon for the holidays?”

“Yup, I leave on the 22nd, doing Hanukkah with my family.”

“How long will you stay?”

“Um, at least until after the new year. I love spending new year’s eve in Boston.”

“Maybe, I could come join you for that.” I stop in the middle of tying my sneaker. Harry had lent me some spare clothes he had. I told myself they were his sister’s.

“Wouldn’t new years in London be more exciting?”

“Maybe, but I’ve done it so many times. If you don’t want me to crash your party-“ I walk over to him.

“I’d love to have you join. I’m hosting a big party at my club.” He sighs big. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just..look, I don’t want to ruin the night we had.”

“Just tell me.”

“You just got out of a relationship, and I know you’re probably not itching to jump into a new one. But for the first time in a while, we’re sort of lined up. My album is going to release tomorrow, and I was wondering if you’d stay here the next couple of days instead of L.A.. I’m doing a pop up show at the forum tomorrow night, and I want you there with me.”

“Well, of course I’ll go to your show. And you’re right, I’m not itching to be labeled as anyone’s girlfriend right now.” He looks down, almost bracing himself. “But, I’m also done playing games with you. I’m all yours if you want me, Harry.”

“Really?” He asks, perking up.

“Yes, really. I just don’t want to use labels yet. Maybe we could call it hanging out or something?”

“Sure, that works for me. I mean, a lot of people when they first get together don’t establish labels. They see how it goes first.”

“Exactly. I knew you’d get it.”

“So, you’d really be all mine? You don’t feel the need to go hop on some more dicks.” He wraps his arms around me.

“After all that last night and this morning, I’d be a fool to want anyone else.” He brushes his smile against my lips before kissing me.

“Right, well the gang is gonna be here soon for a little party. We’re going to make margaritas and what not. You game?”

“Yes, definitely, but I do need to go to my office for a little while. I’ll come back in the latter part of the afternoon to celebrate with you all.”

“Alrighty.”

When I got back to Harry’s house later, I surprised him by wearing bell-bottom jeans, and a yellow crop top that said TPWK on it. He scooped me up, and spun me around, kissing me in front of all of his friends. I blushed and said hello to everyone. We drank all afternoon and into the evening. Dancing and listening to his amazing new album. I assumed his friends would be staying the night. Some set up in the living room, others in the guest rooms. I took my place in his room. I start to unbutton my pants to get ready for bed, but I feel his hands around me.

“No, no, I’ll do that.” He unbuttons my pants, and pushes them down my legs. His eyes go wide at the lacy pink underwear I have on. He holds his hands up like a camera and makes a clicking noise. “Now this is a sight I surely want to get used to.” I swat at his chest with my arm and giggle.

I walk away from him, shaking my butt. He wasn’t having any of that, so he picked me up and tossed me on the bed. I threw a pillow in his face and we started laughing. It was late and we were both tired, and with all the house guests we decided to just to cuddle. We made out for a little while of course, and I quickly jerked him off to relieve the pressure in his boxers. We fell asleep in each other’s arms, both happy and at peace for the first time in years.

[sleeplessandstubborn]

Emily in Paris episode 3 or it’s still more accurate than American media recent coverture on France.

Ah, I had to write that title. And I am not even talking about American Twitter. But yeah. Feel better. Somewhat I have the impression that this is going to substitute the still a better love story than Twilight in my mind. But, I’m sorry, Stephenie Meyer, I am not here for that but to make a belated, totally improvised, not at all completely planned recap of Episode 3 of Emily in Paris, your favourite Instagram version of the French capital.

So episode 3 starts with our heroine running, as she usually does every morning. Why this Paris is more empty than the town where I live which has like 25,000 inhabitants? So many questions about where did people go. The case is her boss in Chicago calls. Yes, the one who speaks French and should be now best friends with Sylvie but it’s stuck in Chicago with her pregnancy.

I know, Madeline, I know. It would be frustrating for me too that the main trait of my personality was I’m pregnant and on my bed. They both exchange about how now that Doug dumped her Emily’s life is full of croissants and sex, when actually is about sex. Also Emily meets street furniture. As does Madeline, too. I guess that’s not the kind of idea she had of meeting French men. Thanks Anne! Hidalgo of course.

Madeline is sending Emily the corporate commandments for Savoir. Yikes, I thought again, a cultural clash is coming and what are corporate commandments anyway (I don’t know, sounds tacky, I’m just a puzzled European), but for now there are another problems to solve. Emily’s shower breaks, the building manager only speaks French and of course our leading lady is still struggling with understanding it. Also, sidenote: manager building is right with Miss Cooper. Only problems.

Fortunately Gabriel exists and he helps her to break the language barrier. But this isn’t going to magically repair her shower and so Emily has to wash her hair in one of humanity’s wonders, one apex of civilization, the bidet. It’s supposed to be a bad hair day for her afterwards but... Does she look that different? Well, not for me! Discuss:

This shows... A character development! At last! Emily is trying to learn French, and even if her beret isn’t going to help in the task, is good to see she’s trying to adapt. Still, she’s overdoing a bit with that Gioconda bag.

I mean, girl. Relax. In order to improve her knowledge, she tries to trick her teacher - who considers a working place full of French people must be an interesting environment where to study the behaviour of the Emily Cooperius Chicagoensis but refuses the pleasure of her company if there’s not a 50 euros banknote in between. Business is business after all. Cut to Emily reuniting with my adored godess Sylvie, whose elegance and beauty only can be matched with the flag of the twelve stars in the background. Ah, Freude, schöner Götterfunken/ Tochter aus Elysium,/ Wir betreten feuertrunken/ Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!

Well, the case is they are going to film the advertisement for De l’Heure today and it’s an important thing Emily keeps her mouth closed and unsmiling because she looks stupid, at least in Sylvie’s opinion. I’d say more scary but well.

Luc and Julien receive them with the enraged face of every European citizen who just met an aggresive attempt  of being forced into the American Way of Doing Things. Which they refuse naturally. Madeline just sent the corporate commandments and everyone is pissed at nonsense like giving praise in public and critizising in private. But off to filming the spot for the perfume. The location is the Pont d’Alexandre III that has featured in like 20,000 advertisement for fragrances. Here they met Antoine and Emily has the twentieth humiliating experience with languages telling she’s horny out of a sudden when she wanted to mean excited.

Emily meets the model, a Serbian blonde beauty that doesn’t speak French, that’s her personality trait. Our heroine seems rejoiced to find at least a kindred soul but we won’t have more time with the model, whose task is to walk across the bridge naked - or wearing the perfume, Antoine says - , while surrounded by men in costumes. The campaign Dream of Beauty, in short. Emily’s reaction is this:

Antoine argues this is meant to represent the woman’s fantasy, to be desired by all these men. Emily doesn’t think this is going to be appreciated by women at the other side of the Atlantic ocean and says the idea is sexists rather than sexy. Filming stop for they to debate, which seems expensive. Stopping, not debating. Without entering on what fantasies are valid or not and who actually pays attention to advertisements for fragrances - I am not one of these people - we don’t get to learn if Emily knows who Cocteau was.

The following morning the plumber can’t fix Emily’s shower. His gestures are pretty easy to understand, as it’s an universal fact that often the pieces needed to repair are not immediately available. Anyway, Emily asks Gabriel to help her with translation again. She must pay him or something. The thing doesn’t get to be fixed and Emily gets to shower in Gabriel’s appartment.

Maybe he has a fantasy of some sort here? Who knows. At the office and after her class, Emily’s first conversation of the day with Sylvie goes, as usual, for a rocky start. She has made lost money and time to the company, her boss argues, and on top of that she’s the prude police. The final straw for Emily immediately after that is that someone (called Luc) drew a dick on the Sacred Corporate Commandments. Having forgotten the fact that drawing penises is part of the human nature since the dawn of times, Emily doesn’t take well the profanation. It’s too much so she goes to lunch with Mindy.

Mindy - who is celebrating a party later and invites her - rolls her eyes at the corporate commandments and more or less say she deserves the hate because she could not expect French people were going to receive that gladly because they are against all. Well, it’s one of their multiple charms. “People like me! That’s my thing!” , Emily argues. Oh my sweet Summer child... Once back at the office, the commercial is as nonsensical as your average perfume commercial. Emily suggests a poll on Twitter to decide if it’s sexy or sexists. Bad or good, they’ll have publicity. Sounds about right?

One day I want to be Sylvie when she answers, after Emily invited her to Mandy’s party: Sorry, I’m busy. Also when she goes on with a mini the reason you suck moment: “You come to Paris. You walk into my office. You don’t even bother to learn the language. You treat the city like it’s your amusement park”. Apparently Emily can’t wrap her head around the idea of not everyone liking her and that you don’t have why to be friends with your bosses or workmates. Girl, just a civilized relationship with them is enough. Anyway... Emily does invite her, incapable of taking a no for an answer.

As predictable - don’t say you didn’t predict it - the party is a bit crowded and, leaving aside Mindy, Emily doesn’t know anyone there. Because, Sylvie knowing better, she didn’t show up. Well done Madame. Out of water again, Emily finds an apparently cute boy who engages in a conversation with her. With hand kissing at the balcony at all.

All it’s very romantic until, when they are strolling the streets and after flirting a bit, Fabien I think was his name - sorry, not checking again - tells her he likes American pussies. This is too much information all of a sudden for Emily - even if it could lead her to learn another the meaning of a new French word, equally related with felines - and storms off to Gabriel’s restaurant. Why is a thing the chef is there, available to serve her a glass of wine, I don’t know, I didn’t write this thing. But finally, finally, FINALLY our heroine says she’s going to stop trying being liked by everyone. Thank you Paris, you inspired some adult realities on Emily’s brain. It’s also a productive night after all because Gabriel says he likes her. So... yay? Since many of you have already seen the complete season, you know that things are... more complicated than that.

Of course the last three minutes of the episode are reserved for Emily Was Right After All moments. The poll is a success even if the commercial is not universally liked - but as Emily has learn this is not that important anymore -, she takes revenge on Luc bringing a dick shaped bread, or cake - I don’t know exactly what it is - which is a funny and irreverent way to respond him aaaand... finds a present from Antoine on her desk, lingerie from La Perla. Which is, ew, a bit creepy.

Aaaand that was all. I had to rewatch it because it had been eras since I last wrote about this series. I promise to be more disciplined with the next ones. Until then.

P.S. Down with Corporation Commandments.