#to be the one to hold out in the end that it’s become this self perpetuating thing. you ask them something about one of their lives and they

[ravencromwell]

Rereading Dickens Christmas Carol for the first time in a long time. And the more I reread, the more it strikes me how seamlessly a queer reading could slip within these pages. Not an especially twee reading, wherein all Scrooge's troubles start and end with grief over Jacob Marley's death. For we know that Scrooge was a "Tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge! a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old sinner!" And we know that he and Marley were "two kindred spirits"

And perhaps that very fact makes the similarities to queer life, unintended as they most likely were by Mr. Dickens, achingly poignant to me. Scrooge is, we're told, "secret and self-contained and solitary as an oyster." How much that resonates, for so many of us who shield our innermost selves but from a select group of friends. And we know that Scrooge and Marley were, at the very least, certainly that for one another. Scrooge is Marley's sole mourner; his sole executor and beneficiary; and even Dickens notes, "friend." How reminiscent is that of queer couples across history, estranged from their families?

Scrooge lives in a set of chambers that once belonged to Marley—clearly Dickens wanted us to believe Scrooge gave up his own dwellings after Marley's death to economize. But with only a flicker of change, those chambers become _their chambers, rented by Marley as the senior member of the couple. The place is so desolate Dickens notes "one could scarcely help fancying it must have run there when it was a young house, playing at hide-and-seek with other houses, and have forgotten the way out again." The perfect abode for two queer misers who wanted no one prying into their business.

Marley's name is still above the door of Scrooge's counting-house: a mark by which, no doubt, Dickens meant to convey Scrooge such a penny-pincher he couldn't bother to have it changed. But a thing can be both! mark of frugality to ludicrous excess and! mark of mourning. "sometimes," Dickens opines, "People new to the

business called Scrooge Scrooge, and sometimes Marley, but he answered to both names. It was all the same to him."

This is why "death of the author" matters so much, in expanding our interpretations of texts. It is vastly far from the lens Dickens would have intended. But, the idea of a ghost of queerness, so taboo in the society it could barely be glanced at sidewise in this tale that is all about the inexplicable and yet that lingers over everything becomes an astonishing lens through which to read this book. Thinking of Scrooge as a queer man, his "melancholy dinner at his usual melancholy tavern" becomes a eerie prefiguring of the hollowness of days spent by Isherwood's A Single Man. In this universe, little wonder Scrooge doubly hates mention of time with family, marriage, etc. when the precise nature of his grief is both unacknowledged and unacknowledgable.

And readings like this are vital, because the uncomfortable truth is, discrimination doesn't "discriminate between sinners and saints", to borrow a Miranda phrase. It is easy, in my liberal circles, to fight for queer people who hold "the good sorts of politics". But what about men like Michael Hess, culpable for supporting Reagan even as his contemptuous homophobia let the aids epidemic run rampant? How much harder is it to remember Michael had a partner? That he deserves empathy and compassion for being practically tarred and feathered out of the party upon his own aids diagnosis?

Expanding our imaginative universes to include queerness, not as redemptive panacea, but merely as one aspect of identity, personality, often in vicious conflict with others. Even! as we consider those stories equally worthy of being told feels vital if we're ever to truly express the complexity of what queer humanity looks like.

[the-teufort-nine]

Okay so I don’t know if you do part 2 requests…but if you do, an aftermath thing of the respawn fic would be sooo good.

I’m thinking it could be something w the ride home, or the few days after everyone gets home or maybe just the months after? And how the mercs treat the Chemist until everything is “normal” again?

If you don’t do part 2 requests that’s just fine!

The story is soooo good omg!!!

The Chemist Reader is back! This is part 2... OF THREE! That's right, I'm doing one more gn!Chem reader fic to finish off this little series. For now though, enjoy just over 9000 words of BLU Chemist and their attempt to get home!

Mercs x GN!Reader | Respawn Malfunction PART 2: The Long Way Home

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ Hurt/Comfort, Team Bonding | SFW, but it veers into talking about NSFW topics near the middle-ish to end| Cw: starvation, temp character death (yes, again!), vomiting, mentions of graphic death, mention of attempted date rape (nothing happens!!), self deprecation ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

Featuring:

Everyone! Even Miss Pauling is here! Plus, a familiar, friendly(?) face at the end...

Scenario: After getting rescued from their unfortunate Respawn spot, the BLU Chemist embarks on a road trip back to New Mexico with their team. Everyone wants their attention it seems, but are they really worth all this fuss?

The smell of Engineer’s truck was very similar to that of his workshop; leather, oil, and coffee permeated the air, settling over you like a well-loved blanket. It was a stark contrast from the bitter, sterile cold air of the base you’d ended up in, which was far behind you now. You’d woken up a short time ago, content to simply look out the window in comfortable silence while Engineer drove. You lifted your head from its place on your seatbelt as you felt the vehicle begin to slow, arching a sleepy brow at Engineer. The Texan lifted up his goggles and gave you a comforting smile as he continued to park his truck.

“We’re makin’ a rest stop. You up fer some McDonalds?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

Predictably, you perked up, blanket slipping off your shoulders as you sat up straighter. Fast food had become a rare treat during your time working for Mann Co., and you weren’t about to pass on this opportunity. Engineer chuckled at your reaction and reached over to pat your leg.

“That’s what ah’ thought. Now, you stay right there, and ah’ll go ‘n grab ‘ya somethin’ tah eat.” Engineer said, before opening his door and stepping out into the darkness of the early morning.

As you busied yourself with readjusting your blanket, the door opened again, but it wasn’t Engineer slipping into the seat this time.

“Morning, sunshine!” Soldier greeted, pushing up his helmet slightly to look at you, “The grease monkey has tasked me with guarding you while the others retrieve breakfast!”

“Yeah? Well, I feel safer already.” You replied kindly, before yawning, “No one is dumb enough to mess with you, Sol.”

The man grinned and cracked his knuckles. “If you were not so weak, I would welcome the challenge! I have the strength of a thousand eagles coursing through my veins!”

You glanced down at your arms, missing the muscle that used to be there. You could barely hold the thermos Sniper had given you, let alone any sort of weapon. “Heh, yeah… guess I’m not going to be very useful for a while, huh?”

Soldier’s grin fell as he picked up on your despondent tone. Though he was far from being the smartest man on the team, even he could see that you were feeling upset. He looked at you, really looked at you, and realized that you were even frailer than he’d thought. You looked as though you were one strong breeze away from toppling over, and a surge of protectiveness shot through him. He’d failed you once, but he’d be damned if he allowed you to be hurt again.

“Wipe that sorry look off your face, maggot!” He lightly tapped you on the head, exercising more restraint than he ever had before, “We are a TEAM, and that means that we look out for one another! We will cover for your weaknesses until you have all your glorious strength returned to you, and you WILL get strong again!”

Soldier pushed a finger into your chest lightly, the pressure barely noticeable through your blanket and uniform. “You stared God in the face and then kicked him in the nuts! You clawed your way back from death and made Respawn spit you back out! The RED team will be crapping in their pants at the mere sight of you! Sun Tzu himself would be proud of you, son, and I am proud to call you my friend and teammate!”

Your vision went blurry as fat tears started to form in the corners of your eyes, but you were smiling as you wiped them away. That was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said to you, even if it was more shouted than said.

“Thanks, Solly.” You sniffed, giving your friend the best smile you could manage, which prompted him to shuffle closer and throw an arm around you, drawing you into his side.

You let your head rest on the space just above his breast, turning slightly so your cheek was pressed against his jacket. He shifted his hold, letting his arm curl around your midsection as you made yourself comfortable. Soldier reached up and took his helmet off, setting it aside for now. Normally, he’d be loathe to leave himself so vulnerable, but he needed to prioritize your safety, which meant insuring that he had the best possible range of vision. What if some communist bastard, or, God forbid, a member of the RED team tried to sneak up on you two? He needed to be prepared!

It was just a little hard to give his surroundings his full attention, though, when he had you resting on his chest. Normally, any kind of touch he got was rough, even if it was a friendly shove or tight, squeezing side hug. This, however, was different; soft and warm and different in a good way. You were totally relaxed, letting your eyes slowly shut as you sighed contently, grateful for the extra warmth. You felt very small in his hold, and that fact made Soldier's stomach flip flop about. On one hand, it was pleasing to know that you felt comfortable enough to fall asleep next to him while you were like this, trusting that he would keep you safe. On the other hand, it was almost terrifying to realize how vulnerable you were in that moment, how easily he could feel bone, where there had once been a healthy amount of fat and muscle. He was used to seeing you as a strong, capable fighter, and while he was sure you could still whip up one of your crazy little mixtures that made people’s faces melt off, you wouldn’t have the strength to use it.

Well, he supposed he’d just have to throw it for you.

Lost in thought, he missed Engineer’s approach, and startled when the driver side door suddenly opened. He cocked his free arm back instinctively, but just as quickly lowered it when he saw Engineer, who was holding an armful of drinks, fries, and hamburgers. The goggle-wearing man chuckled quietly when he saw the situation his normally gruff teammate was in.

You were halfway wrapped around him, cuddling up close in your sleep. Soldier had allowed you to position yourself how you wanted, and you had all but put yourself in his lap, tucking yourself beneath his chin and nuzzling against the collar of his uniform. He awkwardly lifted you up, shuffling into the passenger seat as Engineer slid into the truck next to him, setting down the food wherever there was free space.

“Looks like someone found a comfortable spot, huh?” He joked, unwrapping a cheeseburger and handing it to Soldier, who bit into it hungrily, “Can’t exactly blame ‘em for wantin’ a warm place to sleep, ‘specially after what they’ve been through.”

Soldier hummed in agreement as he swallowed. “I want to let them sleep, but I also want them to eat. They're… worse than I realized.”

Engineer frowned. “Ah know what ‘ya mean, Solly, but the Doc says we gotta be real careful about how much we let ‘em eat at first.”

“What? Why?”

“ ‘Parently their body is gonna need time to readjust to havin’ food in it, and if they eat too much, they'll just throw it right back up.” Engineer explained, “Really, we should be givin’ em a protein shake or somethin’, but ah think they'd choke me out if ah told ‘em they were gettin’ McDonald's, and then didn't give it to ‘em.”

Soldier snorted at the mental image of you grappling with the Texan, but froze up when you groaned and shifted, eyes blinking open. You yawned and rubbed at your eyes, before freezing right alongside your friend when you realized the position you were in. You blushed and leapt back as far as you could go, cursing when the back of your head smacked against the windshield. 

“SHIT!” You yelped, grabbing onto your aching skull as your vision faded in and out. A rush of nausea started tumbling up from your guts, and you all but vaulted yourself out of the car as coffee and hot bile splashed up out of your throat and onto the dusty parking lot ground below.

You gagged and spat, wavering in place as you fought to stay upright. Hands were suddenly on your back, steadying you and at the same time soothing you. The rough voice of your only Australian teammate reached your ears over the sound of your vomiting, and you instinctively leaned into his touch, grateful for the support.

“There ‘ya go mate, get it all out.” Sniper said softly, rubbing the space between your shoulder blades. “I'm surprised ‘ya made it this long without sickin’ up.”

“They alright?!” Engineer called from behind you, a tinge of panic in his voice.

“Yeah, just got a bit of an upset stomach!” Sniper called back, wrapping an arm around you as you finally finished getting everything out of your system. “Come on then, let's getcha’ lyin’ down, yeah?”

“But I'm hungry.” You whined, feeling your stomach growl at the loss of what little sustenance your coffee had provided.

“I know, Roo. I know.” Sniper said sympathetically, “But if ‘ya eat somethin’ now, yer just gonna yack it back up again.”

You grumbled and wiped at your mouth, straightening up as best you could as Sniper led you to his van. By this point, the others had returned from their journey to the holy golden arches, and had realized something was wrong. Scout, who was midway through his second hamburger, almost dropped the damn thing as he rushed over to your side.

“Woah, what the hell happened? I thought they was takin' a nap?” He frowned, before reaching over to fix a part of your uniform that had become uncomfortably tucked, “Yo, Chem, not to be rude or nothin’, but you seriously look like crap. You feelin’ alright?”

“Clearly not, garçon stupide.” Spy suddenly materialized from the darkness of the early morning, a cigarette in his mouth and a sneer on his face, “And I'm sure your incessant yapping isn't helping.”

“Your bloody second hand smoke ain't doin’ wonders either, Spook, so shut yer mouth.” Sniper growled, both to defend his friend and to piss off his teammate. 

“Chemist, would you like to come and ride in style for a while? I assure you that it will be more comfortable than the laborer’s rusted box on wheels.” Spy asked you, pointedly ignoring both Sniper's statement and Engineer's affronted yell.

You thought for a moment, considering your options. You were probably less likely to make a fool of yourself in Spy's presence, especially since you were sure the man wouldn't tolerate your strangely intense need to be close to someone, but on the other hand…

“Can I eat my McDonald's in the car?” You asked finally. Spy wrinkled his nose.

“That disgusting American grease slop? Absolutely not.”

“I'm going with Sniper.” You said immediately, allowing yourself to be led away by the marksman, who was grinning in a borderline feral way at the stunned Frenchman. 

Sniper showed him a very specific, very unkind hand gesture as he helped you up into his camper van. Heavy was sitting in the passenger seat, munching on a box of fries that you would kill a man to have right now. Demo was lounging on one of the kitchen chairs, but sat up when he saw you and Sniper approach. 

“Finally managed to steal ‘em away from Engie and Solly, eh Snipes?” Demo greeted, though his face fell a bit when he saw how heavily you were relying on Sniper. “Ack, what's wrong, Chem? Not feelin' too well?”

“Something like that.” You murmured, head lolling slightly. Now that a bed was in sight, another nap really didn't sound too bad.

“Here ya go mate.” Sniper gently lowered you down, making sure not to jostle you too much, “Now, I know you want yer Macca’s, but I've got some Vegemite an’ toast and some hot lemon with Manuka honey that you can have in a bit, and it'll stay down much easier, I promise. Me mum used ta give me that when I was sick, and it did wonders fer me.”

“Sounds good.” You replied, not even really taking in what he said. He was talking about giving you food, and that was all your sleepy brain needed to know.

A woolen blanket was pulled over you, and a warm, calloused hand ran itself through your hair before slowly lifting your protective goggles off your head, setting them aside somewhere. The hand returned for a moment, gently pressing against your forehead, lingering there for just a heartbeat longer than maybe it needed to, before slowly retracting. You frowned at the sudden lack of touch, but there was little you could do to call it back.

Admitting you needed it was a weakness you weren't quite ready to voice yet.

“Come on now, laddie, time to wake up. Yer breakfast is ready.”

You groaned and cracked an eye open, blinking slowly at Demo, who was sitting on the bed. You pushed yourself up, eyes gravitating towards the tray your teammate was holding. There was a plate with two warm, buttered slices of toast topped with a thin layer of Vegemite spread, cut into four individual triangles, and a mug of what smelled like lemon and honey, just as Sniper had promised.

“Can I please eat that?” You begged, uncaring of how desperate it made you sound.

“Well, it ain't for ye to look at.” Demo joked, startling slightly as you snatched a piece of toast and practically all shoved it into your mouth. “Jesus! Slow down there, Chem! You'll make yerself sick again.”

You growled at the demolition expert, baring your teeth when he moved to try and reach for your hand. You hadn't eaten in nearly two days, your body had been robbed of anything it could feed off of, and Demo wanted you to slow down?

Hah, fat chance.

The Scot held his hands up in surrender, knowing a post cause when he saw one. Also, he didn't feel like losing a hand, not when Medic was riding in a different car.

You scarfed down the Vegemite toast, your body rejoicing as precious, precious salt finally entered your mouth. Normally, you'd turn your nose up at the salty spread, but at that moment, that piece of toast may as well have been a gift from God himself.

If you threw this up, you were actually going to cry.

With that thought in mind, you slowed down, taking the time to carefully chew your mouthful before swallowing. You let what you ate settle before you dared to try and ingest anything else. When your stomach didn't turn, you reached for the mug, blowing lightly on the liquid before taking a tentative sip.

It was very warm, but not so hot that you couldn't drink it. The lemon washed away the awful taste of vomit that lingered in your mouth, and the honey soothed your dry throat like nothing else. You closed your eyes and allowed yourself to bask in the warmth and comfort.

“Holy shit,” you croaked, setting the mug down as you turned to face Demo, “that tasted so good. We need to have Sniper make dinner more often or something, because he clearly knows what he's doing.”

“He said his mum taught him how to make it, and mums always know how to make somethin’ that makes ‘ya feel better.” Demo said, handing you another slice, “Now, slowly this time. I mean it! ‘Ya looked like a bloody wild dog just now.”

“Cut me some slack, D, I'm literally starving over here.” You said as you bit into the toast, “I think I'm allowed to have some bad table manners, yeah?”

“Aye, I suppose ‘ya got me there.” Demo conceded, though he still looked concerned, “ ‘m just worried about ye throwing it up before yer body can digest it.”

You nodded, chewing and swallowing what was in your mouth before replying.

“I know. I don't wanna puke again either. It's just-” You took in a breath, ignoring how even that simple action was harder than usual, “I'm so fucking hungry. I feel like my stomach is going to burn right through my abdomen, but I know I can't eat too much too quickly, or I'll just be sick again.”

Demo patted your shoulder, giving you a pitying look. “It'll be alright, Chem. The hard part’s already over. Ye survived the impossible and made it back to us, now it's our turn to help ya get back to yer old self.”

“Yeah.” You said quietly, looking at your reflection in the mug’s liquid. A gaunt, pale mockery of your face stared back. You could hardly even recognize yourself, and a small, dark part of yourself wondered if you ever would again.

“My old self.”

The next time you all stopped, it was well into mid morning. Sniper had pulled into the parking lot of a motel, Spy and Engineer following after him. Apparently, the only people with valid driver's licenses were you, Sniper, Engineer, Spy, and Miss Pauling, and you were all either exhausted or in no condition to be driving. Therefore, you were booking rooms at this dinky little motel so that they could rest and not kill all of you by falling asleep at the wheel.

It was Heavy that led you into the building, letting you lean against him for support. He’d offered to carry you, but you wanted to preserve some sense of dignity, if you could help it. Also, you figured it might upset your team further if they thought you couldn’t even walk. Pyro already looked ready to pounce everytime you wobbled, and you weren’t oblivious to the concerned looks Engineer and Spy were giving you.

“маленький химик will be staying with Doktor. He wants to do check up, to make sure there is not any hidden problems.” Heavy explained, before lowering his voice, “Heavy knows you are tired, but please go along with it. Doktor is very worried, even if he does not say it.”

“Don’t worry, Heavy, I’ll behave.” You promised, “I could do with sleeping a little less anyway. 

Heavy nodded and led you to your room, handing you the key for it. You unlocked the door and pushed it open, smiling at Medic, who was unpacking various syringes and pills from a bag and placing them next to his Medigun.

“Ah, Heavy, Chemist, right on time!” he greeted, walking over to you two. 

Quick as a whip, he pulled up your sleeve and injected you with a clear liquid. You yipped in surprise, rubbing the sore area as he withdrew the needle. “Ouch! What the hell was that?!”

“Magnesium Sulfate!” he replied cheerily. “I also have a shot of Thiamine and Potassium I need to administer before I give jou more vitamin tablets.”

“Couldn’t I just have taken a magnesium tablet?” You questioned in a deadpan voice, unnamused with your colleague’s method of getting you to take your vitamins. Heavy patted your shoulder one more time before leaving the room, likely to go and find his own.

“Ja, but zhis is much quicker, und I know it vill actually stay in jour body.” Medic waved one hand animatedly, the other one reaching for another syringe, “Herr Sniper told me jou vomited earlier, und that jou didn’t finish your breakfast.”

“I couldn’t. I felt full after two slices of toast and a couple of sips of my drink.” You groaned, flopping down onto your bed, “I didn’t even get to have my cheeseburger. It’ll be all cold and gross now.”

“I’m sure jou vill have another chance to get one.” Medic comforted as he jabbed your arm with another needle. You winced, but said nothing. “Ve are still about 10 hours away from zhe base.”

“We are?” You asked, sitting up abruptly, “Jesus, how far out was I?”

“The base jou respawned in was in Montana. Currently, ve’re somewhere in Wyoming.” Medic rubbed his chin, thinking, “To be honest, I have no idea how or vhy jou ended up so far away. Jou should have respawned in a much closer location, or not at all!”

“Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either.” You said, rolling up your other sleeve as Medic produced the final shot, “Maybe that one was the last one that was activated? Are there… are there other RED and BLU teams that use them?”

Medic paused, considering.

“I… am not sure.” he said finally, gently taking your offered arm into his hands as he pressed the needle into your skin, “I haven’t heard of any other teams, but I suppose it's possible. It's as good an explanation as any.”

“Well, I’m glad it brought me back.” You said, glancing up at Medic, “I gotta admit, I was shocked to see you guys. I can’t believe you all drove to Montana just for me, especially Miss Pauling.”

“Vell, vhy vouldn’t ve? Jou vould do the same for any of us, ja?” Medic asked, putting a bandage over your injection sites.

“Well, yeah, of course.” You replied quickly, “But, wouldn’t it have been easier to just… get a new Chemist?”

Your eyes had flicked towards the floor, so you didn’t see the way Medic tensed up. The German curled his hands into fists for a few seconds as he took a deep, calming breath. “Vhat do you mean?”

“Well, there’s not really anything special about me. I mean, Scout can run faster than anyone, Soldier is completely fearless, Heavy is, like, the strongest guy ever, Sniper could shoot a bat out of the night sky, Pyro makes even the toughest men afraid just by breathing near them, Demo can make crazy explosives, Engie can make anything, Spy can be anyone, and you can successfully play God on a daily basis!” You said, listing off everyone’s skills, “And then there’s… me. I mix chemicals and throw them at people. Pretty much anyone could do my job.”

“Jou believe jourself to be disposable.”

You cringed slightly at Medic’s cold tone. “I guess. I might have said it in a nicer way, though.”

You watched as Medic took a deep breath in, said something quietly under his breath in German, and then walked over to his bag and retrieved a few vitamins before striding back over to you.

“Take zhese, und don’t move. I vill be back.” he said, before exiting the room.

You tilted your head and frowned as Medic closed the door behind him. You felt as though you had upset your teammate, but you weren’t exactly sure how. Nothing you said had been untrue, after all.

Popping the tablets into your mouth, you made yourself comfortable, positioning your pillows so they supported your back as you lay down. The covers of the bed were cheap and scratchy, but the room was slowly warming up, and you could deal with a little discomfort. After an embarrassing amount of time and effort, you managed to wiggle your way under the blankets. A TV sat on the dresser on the other side of the room, but you couldn’t see the remote for it anywhere. You’d have to ask Medic if he’d seen it when he came back from wherever it was he’d wandered off to.

About 10 minutes passed, and you were, annoyingly, beginning to nod off again, when suddenly your door opened once more. You leaned forward, eyes widening when you realized that everyone was walking into your room. 

Soldier and Demo came in first, making themselves at home at the foot of your bed. Scout, a very tired Miss Pauling, and Pyro came in next. Scout was quick to drape himself across the middle of your bed like a cat, while Pyro flopped down next to you.

Apparently, your bed was the best seat in the house to your teammates.

Sniper and Spy followed after them, both exhausted men scowling at each other but refusing to disperse too far into the room, both of them determined to stay near you. Engineer, who was holding a cup of shitty motel coffee, claimed one of the plush, cigarette-scented seats that sat in the room’s corners after he walked in. Finally, Heavy and Medic entered, with Heavy moving over to sit on his companion’s bed. The large man shot you a questioning look, but all you could offer him was an equally confused shrug. You didn’t know what was going on.

“Docteur, I assume you have a reason for interrupting our rest so early into our stay?” Spy groused, reaching for his cigarettes.

“Of course, Herr Spy.” Medic replied, before turning to Miss Pauling, “Fräulein Pauling, vhy did you go to retrieve our Chemist?”

Everyone in the room turned to look at Medic with a look of confusion. Why would the doctor ask such a thing?

“Wh- because they needed help?” the raven haired woman waved her hands around, “Why wouldn’t I go get them?”

“Vould it not simply be easier for us to let zhem die und replace zhem?” Medic asked, and you winced slightly, hearing your own question spoken in such a way. You hadn’t used the word ‘die,’ but it had been implied.

At Medic’s words, the room erupted into noise, your team wasting no time in jumping to your defense.

“Yo, Doc, what da hell?!” Scout shouted, pushing himself up. He quickly turned towards you, holding his hands up, “Don’t listen to that guy, Chem. He must’a taken too much of his own stock.”

“Now where the hell is this comin’ from?” Engineer spat, roughly slamming down his coffee. “We would never just- just replace Chem! ‘Specially not when we knew they were alive!”

The other mercenaries shouted out various forms of agreement, some of them looking just about ready to jump the man.

“Doktor spent many nights contemplating shredding application forms for new Chemist.” Heavy added, sending his friend a questioning yet stern look, “You should explain yourself, старый друг.”

“I vas simply asking questions zhat our Chemist asked me only a few moments ago.” Medic replied calmly, clasping his hands behind his back. “It seems as zhough they believe zhemself to be disposable, zhat zhey did not deserve to be saved, because zhey believe zhat ve could replace zhem easily.”

The eyes that had been on Medic shifted to look towards you, and you shrank down as much as possible. You would have felt more comfortable if they’d pointed a loaded gun at your head.

“Chemist,” Miss Pauling started, “do you know why the Administrator sent me to recruit you?”

You shook your head.

“Well, the first reason is because the DNA sample I took from you proved that you were Respawn compatible.” she started, pressing her hands together, “The second reason is because when you saw some guy trying to roofie me in a bar, you stole his drink, spiked it with a specialized mixture that you created, and then you convinced him to chug it by betting him five bucks that he couldn’t. Do you remember what happened next?”

“He went to the bathroom because he didn’t feel good.” You recalled with a smile, “Then he melted.”

“Yeah, because you spiked his drink with something that, upon contact with stomach acid, turned into fluoroantimonic acid!” Miss Pauling exclaimed, “A regular person could never do that! Hell, even an experienced chemist couldn’t do half the things you do!”

“Jesus Lord Almighty!” Engineer chuckled, pushing up his goggles to look you in the eye, “Remind me to never make you angry.”

“Point is,” Miss Pauling drew your attention back to her, “You are not disposable. It would be easier to clone you then it would be to replace you, because you are smart, talented, and just as batshit insane as the rest of these bloodthirsty lunatics. No offence, guys.”

Your team nodded along with her words, giving you reassuring looks.

“She’s right! Yer absolutely cracked, but yer one of us!” Demo crowed, lifting his Scrumpy bottle to toast you.

“HUDAH HUDAH HUDAH!” Pyro cheered, wrapping you up in a warm, tight hug. You grinned and shoved your face into their shoulder, tears wetting your eyes as you nuzzled the blue material.

“Congratulations, you have learned what everyone here already knew.” Spy said, patting you lightly on the back as you lifted your head to peek back at him, “I will be taking my leave now. Do not wake me again unless zhe building is on fire.”

“I hate to agree with Spoi, but, yeah,” Sniper nodded, reaching over to ruffle your hair, “I’m about to drop ‘mself. I’ll see you all at dinnah.”

“Ah’ll see m’self out as well.” Engineer said, getting to his feet, “Get some rest, darl’. We’ll get you somethin’ decent fer dinner.”

“Any chance we can have a sleepovah, Doc?” Scout asked, breaking out the puppy dog eyes.

“Nein.” Medic said firmly, planting his hands on his hips. 

“Worth a shot.” Scout sighed, giving you a fistbump as he slid off the bed. “Ey, Chem, no more talkin’ crap about my best friend, or I’m gonna have to lay down the hurt, understand?”

“YES!” Soldier agreed loudly, “IF I HEAR YOU PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN AGAIN, I WILL BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!”

“Yes sir.” You replied, giving him a salute as Pyro reluctantly pulled away. They reached into one of their pockets and withdrew a box of matches that had been decorated with crayon. Pyro tucked it into your hands and pressed their gasmask against your head in an almost kiss-like way.

The rest of the team and Miss Pauling shuffled out of the room one by one, each of them waving goodbye or acknowledging you in some way before they left. Medic fixed you with a kind, if mildly smug look as the last of your team left.

“Do jou still see jourself as disposable, mein Chemiker?”

You didn’t quite understand what his last words had been, but you managed to infer that he was saying your name, so you nodded, smiling. “No. Not at all.”

Medic matched your grin with one of his own, though the doctor’s showed far more teeth. “Wunderbar! Now, let’s get zhe rest of zhose vitamins in jou! Ve have so many to get zhrough!”

By the time dinner had rolled around and your team had started to wake up, Medic had given you enough vitamins and nutrient boosters to kill an elephant. He’d also done a thorough examination of your insides, which included him setting the Medigun to low, switching it to automatic mode, and cutting you open from collarbone to pelvis. He had been quite happy to inform you that your organs had not been affected by your turbulent trip through Respawn.

Thank God you’d insisted on laying in the bathtub.

Engineer had knocked on your door as you were finishing getting dressed, and when you opened it, the Southerner revealed that he had gone out and found you something that you could both eat and that wouldn’t taste like garbage.

“It ain’t smoked brisket ‘n biscuits,” he commented as he set down a banana smoothie and a small fillet of salmon, “but I reckon it’ll do.”

“Engie, I could kiss you right now.” You warbled, close to crying.

The man flushed scarlet and rubbed at the back of his neck, but you were too focused on the food to notice. Engineer and Medic stepped out to get their own dinners, leaving you to enjoy yours. 

The salmon was still warm, seasoned with a pinch of salt and a squeeze of lemon, and it yielded easily to your plastic fork. It went down easily and, more importantly, stayed down, even when you started to tentatively sip the banana smoothie. The smoothie was cold, smooth, and probably loaded in things that were good for you.

“I see zhat zhe laborer has finally managed to procure you a decent meal.”

You jumped slightly, scrambling to catch your drink as it slipped from your grip. Spy leaned against your doorway, arms crossed in a casual way as he watched you eat. He looked much more rested, the bags around his eyes having retreated.

“Do you feel sick at all?” he asked, arching a brow.

You shook your head. “Nah, Medic loaded me up with some stuff that's supposed to help me keep food down. You’d have to ask him exactly what it was, though.”

“Perhaps I shall.” Spy replied, “Come, mon féroce petit scorpion, you can finish your drink in zhe car.”

“But I thought I wasn’t allowed to have food in your car?” You questioned, wiggling forward towards the edge of your bed.

“I will make an allowance, just zhis once.” The masked man said, offering you his arm.

“Don’t want Sniper to scoop me up again?” You teased.

Spy’s nose wrinkled in displeasure. “Non. Zhe bushman does not look as zhough he got an adequate amount of sleep, and I will not risk your safety when we just got you back.”

“Awww,” you cooed, causing Spy to jerk his head away in embarrassment, “you big softie. I knew you loved me.”

“Dieu, sauve-moi de ma grande gueule et de mon cœur faible.” Spy muttered, pressing his free hand to his head.

“No idea what you just said there, pal.”

“Zhat is zhe point.” The Frenchman replied.

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever. I’ll just get Scout to translate for me later.”

Spy shot you a confused look as you stepped outside. “Scout? Please, zhat illiterate cretin doesn’t speak French! He barely speaks English.”

“That’s what you think.” You insisted, raising your eyebrows, “I’ve heard him singing in French sometimes. Sounded to me like he knew exactly what he was saying.”

Spy’s brow furrowed, and the two of you fell into silence as he helped you to his car. 

The interior of Spy’s car was just as luxurious as you imagined. Black leather seats were warm beneath your touch, and it was kept immaculately clean. You felt kinda bad even sitting in it, let alone bringing any kind of food or drink inside, but Spy had insisted, so you took your offered seat, which was the passenger seat.

“What kind of car is this?” You asked, carefully laying the blanket Spy had brought over your lap, just in case some of your smoothie somehow managed to leak.

“She is a Bizzarrini 5300 GT Strada.” Spy replied, reverently running a hand over the wheel as you whistled, “Gorgeous, non?”

“Absolutely.” You agreed, “I feel like I shouldn’t even be in this thing, it’s so nice.”

“You cannot possibly be a worse passenger than Scout.” Spy said, a hint of humour in his tone, “I can tell you are being careful. Relax, mon ami.”

You nodded, smiling shly.

Suddenly, the back doors opened, and Pauling, Medic, and Pyro all piled into the back.

“Herr Spy,” Medic started, “If jou wish to avoid a confrontation with Herr Sniper und Herr Engineer, I suggest jou start driving. Now. Zhey are not pleased zhat you whisked zhe Chemist away.”

“Well, zhey can, as Scout so often says,” Spy grinned sharply as the two aforementioned men burst out of the motel, yelling in the direction of the expensive car, “‘suck my dick.’”

You whooped in delight as Spy peeled out of the parking lot, laughing as a rush of wind blew against your face. Through your delighted giggles, you managed to buckle yourself in, grinning so wide your jaw ached as you saw both Sniper’s van and Engineer’s truck fly out onto the dusty road after you. Pyro laughed right alongside you, while Miss Pauling and Medic struggled to right themselves after gravity smushed the small woman into the doctor’s side.

“I didn’t know you were a speed demon!” You cheered, shouting to be heard over the wind.

“I do not often get to indulge, but,” Spy’s eyes twinkled with excitement, “yes, I do enjoy using zhe power my vehicle affords me.”

He adjusted the mirror, the orange light of the setting sun glinting in its reflection. “But even more so do I enjoy zhe thrill of a chase.”

Sure enough, both of the other vehicles were steadily gaining, and if you squinted, you could see both Sniper and Engineer gritting their teeth and glaring at Spy’s car.

“Why are they chasing us?” You questioned, confused.

“Because I have something zhey want.” Spy replied, shooting you a sideways glance, “Or, rather, someone.”

Your face suddenly felt very warm.

Maybe you had been wrong before. Maybe you really could have asked Sniper to keep his hand on your head. Maybe you didn’t have to leap off of Soldier’s lap, automatically assuming he was uncomfortable.

Maybe your teammates would be just fine with you desperately seeking their attention, their touch.

‘WOAH THERE NELLY!’ Your internal thoughts threw up a great big STOP sign, whacking you on the head with it, ‘Let’s change THAT line of thinking right now!’

Jesus Christ you needed to reread the dictionary definition of a ‘professional workplace relationship’ because clearly you had forgotten what it meant!

Quiet, ashamed, and unwillingly thinking about calloused hands brushing against your skin like some Victorian-era harlot, you returned to sipping your banana smoothie.

It was still very good. Just like the salmon Engineer had gone well out of his way to get specifically for you.

Stop stop stop stop.

Or like the blanket Spy had picked out and bought for you because he knew you would be cold, or like the hot lemon with special honey Sniper had made you, because he thought it would make you feel better.

STOP STOP STOP STOP!

‘They’re racing for you.’ A silky, pleased part of yourself whispered, ‘They’ve been fighting over your attention since you joined them, it’s just become much more obvious now. You could go right up to any of them, and they’d be more than happy to give you some attention.’

S H U T   U P

Suddenly, the car swerved, jerking you out of your inner torment. Your straw, which was still inside your mouth, jabbed into the back of your throat. You gagged on reflex, slapping a hand over your mouth as the urge to vomit washed over you. You grimaced, winced from the pain, and breathed slowly in through your nose as Spy swore out the window.

“Espèce de chauve-souris stupide et aveugle! Quittez la route avant que je décide de vous y forcer!” he snarled at a vehicle that had veered into the wrong lane, huffing as he leaned back. He glanced over at you quickly, his expression becoming more concerned when he saw the look on your face. “Y/N? Are you alright?”

You swallowed, and sighed in relief when your stomach settled again. “I’m okay. Just got a bit jostled.”

“Do you need me to stop?”

You waved Spy off. “No, I’m fine, really. Just, maybe slow down a bit? Just until we’re back in the country.”

Spy nodded and eased off the gas, Sniper and Engineer following suit.

“Zhat is probably for zhe best. Zhe last zhing we need is to start a police chase.” Spy conceded.

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be good.” You frowned, “I think at least half of us probably have warrants out for our arrest somewhere.”

“More than half.” Both Medic and Miss Pauling chimed in from the back.

You nodded, leaning back in your seat. You thought about that; about who might be wanted for what. It was a decent distraction from your previous thoughts, and you welcomed it. Turning to look out the window, you watched as the sunsetting twilight changed into a beautiful, starry night sky. Come morning, as long as things stayed on track, you’d be home.

Spoiler alert: things did not stay on track.

You had been making your way through Colorado when it happened. You and Spy had been listening to a local radio station while Pyro, Miss Pauling, and Medic snoozed in the back. You would have been asleep too, but something about the clouds that had rolled in made you nervous. Just as Spy had been reaching to change the station, a sharp, piercing alarm sounded out from the radio.

“Alert! A tornado warning is being issued for the Limon area! All residents are urged to seek shelter immediately! Please gather up all children and pets and make your way to a basement or interior room! Avoid all windows and objects that may prove hazardous if they fall! If you are in a mobile home, in a vehicle, or are outside, please make your way to the nearest secure building!”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Spy gaped, looking frantically at the sky. The darkness brought an extra level of danger, and you felt your heart leap up into your throat.

“Is there even anywhere to shelter out here?!” You asked, your eyes darting about as you stuck your head out of the window. All that you could see was a flat expanse of fields that stretched out forever into the dark.

“Whuz goin’ on?” Miss Pauling groaned, rubbing at her eyes.

“Oh, nothing much.” You laughed nervously, “Just, uh, a tornado.”

“Was? Ein Tornado?” Medic said blearily, sitting up.

“Oui.” Spy confirmed grimly. He reached over to the radio and tuned it to a very specific frequency. “Bushman, laborer, I assume you have received zhe same warning?”

“Yeah mate.”

“Same here.”

“I suggest we make a break for zhe nearest town. It is only about a mile away.” Spy offered, pressing down on the gas pedal.

“Not like we got many options. We’re sittin’ ducks out here.” Engineer’s voice crackled through the car speakers. “You lead, we’ll follow.”

You put your window up and tightened your seatbelt, glancing back at the backseat passengers. “Can you guys wake Py up? We’ll wanna be ready to go once we stop.”

“Jawohl.” Medic agreed, reaching an arm behind Miss Pauling to gently nudge the firebug.

Spy treated the dark road like it was a professional racetrack, the engine of his car growling like a wild beast as he shot across the asphalt. You kept your eyes trained on the sky, cringing when a flash of lightning revealed a green sky. 

“Man, we really have just the worst luck, huh?” You muttered.

“It is starting to seem that way.” Spy growled, his gaze anxiously flicking between the road and the ever worsening sky.

“What do we do if we get to town and there’s nowhere to hide?” You asked.

“We keep driving and pray we can get ahead of the storm.”

You gulped audibly.

Soon, the silhouettes of buildings came into view. As you passed the town sign, hail started to pour down. The little pellets of ice crashed against the car, bouncing off the windshield and tumbling down the road as the wind swept them away. You peered out into the storm, searching for a suitable hiding place.

“There!” You exclaimed, pointing towards a small, rundown mechanic shop. The sign was in pieces and graffiti covered the garage door, but the building itself looked stable.

“It will have to do.” Spy said, pulling off the road.

You hopped out of the car once it came to a stop, grunting when a powerful blast of wind pushed you against the vehicle. Strong hands suddenly gripped you, and you found yourself pulled against Miss Pauling, who was going her best to dig her heels into the ground. Medic and Spy came up on either side of you, helping to buffer the wind as Pyro ran to the side door, axe in hand.

Your little group of four made it to the door just as Pyro managed to break the lock. The arsonist let you in, holding the door as the rest of your team made a run for safety. The inside of the mechanic shop was dark and dusty, but the thick concrete and steel was a source of comfort. 

“Is everyone alright?” Engineer asked, dusting hail off his shoulders.

Everyone made various noises of affirmation, fixing their own outfits and looking around the place. Scout skittered over to you and Pauling as a loud thunderclap rumbled outside, the runner not so subtly positioning himself next to you.

“Jeeze, you sure this place’ll hold up?” He asked, nervousness leaking into his voice.

“It’s better than being exposed outside.” Miss Pauling replied, before gently taking your hand, “Come on, Chem, let’s find somewhere to sit.”

You followed dutifully, Scout trailing along behind you. Miss Pauling managed to find some milk crates after many minutes of blindly feeling around in almost complete darkness before you remembered that you had been gifted a box of matches, and the three of you set them up in the middle of the room. You took off your blanket and shucked off your lab coat, laying them across the crates to act as a cushion. You could feel the chill of the shop creeping into your bones, but you ignored it, settling down in between Demo and Heavy. 

“We’ve got some absolutely shite luck, lads.” Demo frowned, glancing towards the barricaded side door, “We could’a been near home by mornin’ if this damn tornado hadn’t come outta bloody nowhere!”

“My thoughts exactly.” You murmured, “Hopefully it blows over soon. We don’t exactly have any supplies prepared.”

“Hrr yuh filn righh?” Pyro asked.

“Yeah, Py, I’m okay. I can’t eat for another few hours anyways.” You reassured the arsonist.

“You gonna be warm enough in here? It’s kinda chilly.” Scout said, shuffling a bit closer to Pyro, who was always a good source of heat. The pyromaniac let the runner lean on them, amusing themself by lighting matches that they kept producing from God only know where.

“I’ll be fine. I can suck it up for a bit.” You replied.

Medic tsked from somewhere to your right, and, after a few moments of shuffling, you felt something warm being draped over your shoulders. It was kind of heavy, and when Pyro lit another match, you caught a glimpse of Medic’s Class symbol on the arm.

“Thanks, Doc.” You smiled softly, slippin the coat on.

“Zhink nothing of it. Jou are lacking jour usual body fat, and thus require additional help to keep jourself warm.” Medic said matter of factly.

“Hey Chem, I can think’a somethin’ that’d help warm you up real fast.” Scout called in a teasing, flirtatious tone, the Bostonian laughing before someone’s elbow made its way into his gut at a rapid pace.

“Thanks for the offer, but I think I’d like to be fucked for longer than 30 seconds.” You shot back, smirking when a chorus of ‘Ooooohs’ sounded out from your teammates.

Scout made a ‘pshh!’ sound and crossed his arms. “Uh, first of all, it wouldn’t be ‘30 seconds’, prick, second; whaddya mean you “think” you’d wanna be fucked longer than that? You a virgin or somethin’?”

“Scout,” Spy hissed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “use what few brain cells you possess and display a modicum of decorum, please.”

Your face turned a lovely shade of pink as you laughed awkwardly. “Well, uh…”

“Y’ don’t have to answer him, Chem. Lord only knows that boy needs to learn to stop runnin’ his damn mouth.” Engineer added, shooting a pointed look at Scout, who threw his hands up, exasperated.

“No, it’s fine.” You rubbed at the back of your head, feeling sheepish, “I am. A virgin, I mean. People didn’t exactly want to bang the weirdo who spent most of their time putting bugs in formaldehyde and playing with a kids chemistry kit, and then I started working with you guys, soooo… yeah.”

The room fell into a tense, awkward silence, broken only by the sound of the howling wind outside.

“I would.” Soldier said suddenly.

10 heads turned towards the helmet wearing man.

“What?” he asked, not a trace of shame in his voice. “The Chemist is a brave, capable, AMERICAN teammate who I have personally witnessed melt THREE RED bastards at once! The only way they could be more attractive is if they were the Statue of Liberty itself!”

Spy started to say something, but Demo cut him off.

“I gotta agree with Solly there, lads.” He nodded sagely, “Not about the statue bit, but yer a bonnie sight, Chem.”

“Too right.” Sniper piped up, his blush almost invisible in the infrequent matchlight Pyro provided.

“Sacrebleu, are you all truly going to salivate over our Chemist like a pack of wild dogs right in front of zhem?!” Spy yelled, gesturing towards you.

You were doing your very best impression of a well cooked lobster while trying to process what was happening at the moment, and thus did not really take in his statement.

“Now Spy,” Engineer teased, pushing up his goggles slightly to fix the masked man with a knowing look, “don’t go acting like you’re any better than these boys. You’ve either been struttin’ around like a peacock or poutin’ like a kicked puppy ever since we picked Chem up, and don’t think we haven’t noticed you always makin’ sure their spice cabinet and bakin’ ingredients never get too low.”

“Zhat is because sending zhem to Teufort is a death sentence and you know it!” Spy hissed back, “Besides, are you just going to sit zhere and pretend zhat you don’t invite zhem to dinner in your sacred domain just so you can show off all your little toys?”

“Both Spy and Engineer act like school girls with first crush.” Heavy said abruptly in a flat tone. “Is embarrassing. Please stop.”

“Nein! Please continue!” Medic clapped his hands, giddy, “Jour conflict is like eine Seifenoper!”

Heavy arched a brow at the German. “Doktor is worse than them! Is always circling Chemist like shark, waiting to take bite!”

“Augh! Zhat is not true!”

The team dissolved into arguing around you, leaving you and Miss Pauling as the lone outliers. The petite woman stealthily nudged her way through the group of arguing men and Pyro and made her way over to you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“You, uh, you alright?” she asked in a low voice.

“I-” You started in a hoarse whisper, running your hand through your hair, gripping the strands, “I could have been getting fucked this whole time.”

“What?”

You put your head in your hands and let your head smack against your knees. “I have been living on a base with nine mercenaries who have been, apparently, thirsting after me and I didn’t notice. I am a fool, P, a blind, horny fool.”

Miss Pauling awkwardly patted you on the head. “There… there?”

“I’m so stupid!” You bemoaned, “How could this day possibly get any worse?”

CRRRRRACK-BOOM!

Everyone jumped as something slammed against the side door. The top of a utility pole lodged itself inside the doorway, live power lines lashing about like angry snakes as powerful winds surged inside, throwing the wires around. One of the wires was blown towards you and Miss Pauling, and you shoved her back on instinct, eyes widening in terror as a flash of white filled your vision. A sharp, burning sensation rocketed through your body, a metallic taste filling your mouth, before everything went dark.

The world came back to you in a burst of dull blue and gray hues.

A gentle pulse filled your ears, vibrating in your chest until it slowly waned, leaving you sprawled on a concrete floor. You gagged as your stomach turned violently, and you had to push yourself up onto your forearms to avoid choking on your own vomit. You spat, face curling into a disgusted sneer. 

Respawn never had left you feeling very good, but these last two times were really starting to make you yearn for a more gentle return to life.

Slowly, through sheer willpower and what little energy you had left, you managed to get to your feet. The air here was much warmer than your previous Respawn location, and it smelled faintly of… apples?

Confused, but determined to find a phone, you hugged the walls for support as you once again navigated an unfamiliar building, hand trailing across the blue corrugated metal. You weren’t afraid this time around, just pissed off. You had died again? Seriously?! You had been so close to home! You could have been getting boned in a few hours!

Okay, well, maybe not that last one, but still!

As you passed a window, something caught your attention. You stopped for a moment, looking out into the, thankfully, clear night. It was still dark, obviously, but you could hear the sound of birds chirping. Morning was approaching, but that wasn’t what was on your mind.

There were lights on somewhere in the distance.

If you were standing in a BLU base, then…

Gritting your teeth, you picked up the pace, making a mental note to thank Medic for giving you all of those shots and vitamins. If he hadn’t, you likely wouldn’t have even been able to walk.

A cool night breeze caressed your face as you stumbled outside, and you wrapped your arms around yourself, missing your blanket. It took a while, but you eventually made your way over to a homely-looking farmstead, adorned in a colour you usually hated to see. Taking as deep a breath as you could manage, you walked up the porch steps and approached the door, pulling open the outer screen door to knock on the solid wood interior door.

You stepped back a fraction as the sound of footsteps approached, your eyes drooping with exhaustion as the adrenaline that came with returning to life began to fade, leaving you with a mix of a pins and needles-esque numbness and an encroaching headache.

The door swung open, and you found yourself looking down the barrel of a sawed-off shotgun.

“Who the hell are-!” the voice of the RED Engineer held the same southern drawl as your Engineer, and his eyes widened in the same adorable way when he was caught off guard.

“Morning, friend.” You greeted, giving the man the best smile you could muster at the moment, “Do you have a phone I could borrow?”

[bellesmadeofsilk]

What to wear M.M x FEM! reader

Overture- Matt's worried about meeting your parents

CWs- Mentions of bruises, not being perceived as good enough, one joke about stripping and not a whole lot else

A/N- oops it's kind of late but Merry Christmas if you celebrate it, and happy chanukah if you celebrate that. And have a nice Wednesday otherwise. Also the divider is courtesy of @anitalenia

You’d never seen Matt this worried before. You’d seen him have nerves before court, or even genuine fear over some of the things happening in his city– but they were always overpowered by his endless resolve. You’d listen to him talk through his problems, through opening statements, and lines of questioning– and at the end of the day he’d feel a lot better. But tonight he was spiraling a little bit and no amount of nervous pacing was helping him. 

He had three near-identical suits laying on his bed, and was pacing from the bedroom to his living room where you sat on the couch. It started with him trying to decide on his clothes for tomorrow and had become– this. 

“What if they don’t like me?” You really tried not to laugh at him— like your parents wouldn’t like the nice guy with perfect manners and a stable career. 

“Matt, they’ll love you– it’ll be a great day tomorrow. I’m cooking, you’re going to be so wonderfully charming, and my parents have never even been to New York before– you’ve got the home field advantage.”

“What if they see one of my bruises– or my scars? I don’t want them to think I’m violent.” Currently his bruises were confined to his upper arm, chest, and back— no one would see them.

“Well then I guess you can’t strip at dinner.” It wasn’t especially often that you could tease Matt, but he was being more than a little ridiculous– no one would guess that your blind boyfriend got a bruise because he was fighting someone on a random rooftop at one in the morning. You laugh a little bit as you put your hands on his shoulders, stopping his pacing. He allowed you to give him a peck on the lips, even though he was still antsy. When you pulled away, he put his hand over yours, still on his shoulder. 

“I’m serious. They’re going to think I’m not good enough for you.” 

“Oh Matt– they’d never say that.”

“But it’s true. I’m not good enough for you.”

“Matt– I think you are wonderful, smart, and sweet, and my parents are going to think you’re great– I’m sure of it.” He could hear your heartbeat. He knew you were telling the truth. But you could think that they’d like him all you want, it wouldn’t change the fact that they might not. And much to your dismay he could only sigh in response, looking down at you. 

“Matt, I'm serious. At the very least, they’ll think you’re a polite young man with a stable job and a nice suit.” That got a laugh out of him— it was self conscious, but an improvement over the frown he had before. 

“Well that’s good at least. Something in my favor.” 

“And Matt? Just for the record it doesn’t matter to me whether or not they like you. I love you, and they love me, and nothing is going to change that.” You’d never said that to him before. Not out loud at least— you’d thought it, and when you knew he was far enough that even he couldn’t hear you, you’d practiced saying it. But he’d never heard you say it before. 

“You love me?”

“Obviously— I don’t know if you noticed, but you’re pretty fantastic.”

“And you’re sweet. And I love you too.” He kissed your forehead and pulled you into a hug, your face buried in his chest. 

“So you’ll be ok tomorrow?” He just gave a contented sigh and pulled you even tighter to him, inadvertently squishing your face. 

“As long as you’re there, I’ll be fine I think.” You squirmed away from his hold just enough to press a light kiss to his jaw, then to his lips. You could physically feel him smile, and then feel that smile fade a little bit when he started talking again. 

“But seriously, which suit do you think?”

[newkatzkafe2023]

ooooooo I love Pucca and Garu!

So if the Monkey Queens are Pucca that meets Garu!male y/n type of dynamic?

Oh imagine the living hell male y/n has to go through to run across the world to avoid Monkey Queens affection lmao 🤣

Poor ninja boi just wanna go fishing and do his training lol

The crazy thing is, this is not farfetched😅

(Lmk Wukong) She thought you were an adorable and hot ninja monkey, and she couldn't control herself. Whenever your out training your abilities she would come by and give you googoo eyes, at you and your back muscles licking her lips. Wukong would actively stalk you for your love and attention, making sure to tease you as much as you do to her. Though It doesn't take long before you both end up bed🫢.

(NR Wukong) SHE IS THE QUEEN OF CLINGY, the day she saw you her whole world wasn't as grey. Knowing how she had once gave up on the modern world until she met you, seeing you training hard and so Discipline. Wukong's eyes had hearts in them and she purred softly as she gets an eye full of your lean muscles wanting more of you. You saw her everywhere you go, a party, at the mall, even very invasive places like a bathroom stall🫢 You tried to enjoy your fishing hobby one day, but instead of a fish instead you pull out a half naked female monkey. Their no getting rid of her😑

(HIB Wukong) She loves to value her personal space more than anyone, so she wouldn't be too much of a problem. She turned out to have a good amount of self control, until she got a good look at you. You made her so thirsty for you upon seeing your handsome face and lean body like yes, please make sure to spoil her nicely. Don't overthink it to much when you both get naked and alone🔞.

(MKR Wukong) Now the only time she would ever get clingy and invasion, if she was to get jealous and possessive. Though it's easy to tame those Instincts of hers, with just a bunch of hot make out sessions. Like seriously your hold her leg up to your thigh as you both went at it, it'll be easy to tame her just a bit. Until she gets greedy and she can't get enough of you, now she's chasing you down to the ends of the earth just to taste your tongue again....👅

(Netflix Wukong) You know what's crazy you actually don't mind Wukong running to you for love and affection. You both would have secrets Rendezvous when she gets lonely in the evenings. Make out sessions become a Frequent must memorizing the perfect buttons to push, while your tongue ends up down her throat. If anything she should be running from you, that is if she can😉

(BMW Wukong) Yeah personal space yeah, she don't know her😒 Where ever you run to, where ever you hide Wukong will find you and demand for your affection. She also would steal kisses like nobody's business, and what worse is that she'll come out of nowhere taking what she wants. Though you make to return it tenfold as a thank you for scarying away the fish😈

(Destined one) Now At she knows to give you your personal space, but she quickly gets lonely. She would immediately go to find you as she wants your attention and Cuddles. Which your more then happy to grant, with moments like these you both get very Intimate with each other, and let's just say she'll see nothing but hearts when your ninja claws are done with her😍

FEEL FREE TO REBLOG

[wcnderlnds]

secret santa | colin zabel

CHRISTMAS ADVENT - DAY FIVE

・❥・summary: its secret santa time at work and luckily you get your boyfriend colin's name・❥・word count: 1.1k・❥・authors note: merry christmas!! here's some colin fluff for you guys because this man deserves all the happiness in the world. you can join my taglist here!

The whole station was abuzz with excitement. The annual Secret Santa draw was taking place, people rushing around the office with tiny little slips of paper in their hands with the name of the person they had to get a gift for. As your hand rummaged around in the small, brown sack the names were in, you prayed that you got the one name you wanted. It was a long shot especially with how many people worked at the station but maybe this time fate would be on your side. Finally, your fingers plucked out a slip of paper, holding it against your chest for a moment before you brought it up to your face, making sure nobody else could see.

Colin Zabel.

There his name was written in his neat handwriting – the letters curved in all the right places. It was just so him. You had to fight the smile threatening to creep onto your lips as to not give away whose name you had got. If anyone saw the elation on your face they would instantly know who it was. Everyone in the station knew how crazy you were about Detective Colin Zabel. Just as crazy as he was about you. There wasn’t a moment through the day where his eyes didn’t scan the bullpen just to catch a glimpse of you – his heart rate picking up the second he did.

The relationship between the two of you was new. Well, you’d been dating for about three months now but anyone who laid eyes on either of you knew how in love you already were. People often thought falling in love early was a bad thing but not you. In your mind it was a sign that you’d found your person and you were so certain Colin was your person. Never in your life had you fallen so hard and fast for someone. The second you’d started working at the station, it had been hook, line and sinker the second Colin had introduced himself.

Colin hadn’t been looking for anything – his heart closed off after his ex had left him that fateful day. But, when he saw you it was like the sun shone in his world again. Everything seemed brighter, more livelier. He found himself smiling more often especially when you were around or when he thought about you. His heart was irrevocably yours. He just hadn’t found the courage to tell you that. His self esteem wasn’t the best. What if you weren’t in as deep as him? What if it ended up like his last relationship? He knew he shouldn’t dwell on thoughts like that but he couldn’t help it. Colin was a pessimist. It was unfortunate but the world had molded him that way. Though, with you around, he could see himself becoming more positive, more open to accepting that things weren’t all bad.

“Who’d you get?” The familiar voice brought you out of your daydream, turning to face Colin. He was leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest. You saw the tiny slip of paper in his fingers, too.

“Can’t tell you,” you grinned. “What about you?”

Colin took a step forward, his body mere inches from yours as he mimicked your words. “Can’t tell you.” He leaned down, pecking you on the lips. It was work hours so he was strictly professional but he couldn’t help but sneak a quick kiss in there. You were just so captivating.

Finding the perfect gift for Colin hadn’t been an easy task but you’d realised that he’d love anything you got him. He wasn’t the type of person who liked big, grand gestures. Something simple and thoughtful was more his style so hopefully he’d love what you’d got him. Stepping into work that day was probably the most nervous you’d ever been. In your hand you carried the gift bag with the gift in it, heart pounding against your ribcage as you walked towards his office. You peeked through the small window in the door to make sure he was alone before knocking and stepping inside. The door closed behind you, the noise making Colin look up from his desk. The second his eyes saw you stood there with rosy cheeks and a nervous smile on your face, he broke out into a smile of his own. His eyes shone with nothing but adoration for you as he stepped out from behind his desk. 

“I was coming to find you later,” he said softly, his lips finding yours in a slow, gentle kiss. The pad of his thumb brushed against your cheek. “You okay?”

You nodded. “Mhm. I… uh… well, I was your secret santa.”

Colin’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yeah and… um… it’s not much but I wanted you to have something that you could keep with you and that you could look at on the days when you’re struggling and know that there's always someone here that…lo-loves you.” You stumbled on your words, cheeks heating up yet again as you finally said that four letter word. Maybe it was too soon but you didn’t care. This beautiful man deserved to know how you felt; he deserved to know that someone loved him.

Colin felt the butterflies in his stomach flare up. Had you just said you loved him? Had he heard you right? It was now his turn to stumble over his words. “You- you love me?”

“Of course I do,” you laughed nervously, taking his hand in your free one. “How could I not? You’re kind, smart, always looking out for me, you respect me more than anyone else and you’re pretty nice to look at, too. Here’s your gift. Merry Christmas, Colin.”

Colin took the bag off you. He looked at you before he pulled it open, pulling out a small scrapbook. As he flipped through the pages, it was full of memories of the last few months you’d spent together. Photographs, your own little anecdotes – it was perfect. Colin had never felt his heart so full of joy. “This… this is amazing. I don’t know what to say… but…” He dashed back to his desk, opening his drawer and pulling out a small wrapped box. “I was your Secret Santa.”

Opening the gift, you almost gasped as you saw what was inside – a silver locket. Inside the locket was a photo of the two of you, an engraving on the back saying ‘forever yours, C’. Tears pricked at your eyes. “Colin…”

“I love you, too. I know it’s early and I know I’m a bit of a mess sometimes but you’re my whole world, baby. Merry Christmas. I can’t wait to spend so many more seeing this smile on your face,” he wiped away the tears that had begun to fall down your cheeks. They were happy tears. You felt like the luckiest person in the entire world.

As Colin’s lips met yours again, his arms encircled around your waist as he pulled you flush against him, you knew that Christmas was going to be your favourite holiday from now on as long as you had Colin by your side.

taglist: @ldydeath @evansroses @xrag-dollx @honeymoon8 @strawb3rrystar @mistysconcilium @bohnerrific69 @marchsfreakshow @lacucarachapisser @decaf-mother @urmomsg1rlfreind @loveofcherry @ethanlaundrv

[pureshoney]

"well, i just think that isn't really my fault, is it? that comes down to you and your self-control… and if you don't have much, that's your problem," eyes widened with exaggerated innocence, the usual sharp glint of mischief replaced by an impossibly earnest gaze. dylan blinked slowly and deliberately like a cartoon deer while the corners of her mouth twitched with a grin. those typically calculating eyes were now comically round and sweet – a wolf in doe's clothing, regardless, as much as the blonde liked getting spanked until she couldn't sit on her ass for days, she wanted to get fucked a whole lot more so he was right in that sense, did want to turn the spanking into fucking a lot faster by positioning them in front of a mirror. "i'm sure, you fill me up so good, daddy," reaffirms with an emphatic nod of her head. "we can shove anything inside of me, whatever you want, sir …" aside from the feelings femme is so clearly developing for the male currently underneath her, one of the things she liked the most about their relationship was her ability to voice whatever nasty, depraved fantasies she had without ever feeling judged by him. "yeah baby … what?" queries as hips continue to slam down onto his, velvety walls spasming around his hard cock. "yeah? wanna take your fucking fist until i'm crying," throws her head back in pleasure. no longer able to tell where he ends and she begins, nor can she tell what part of him, fingers or cock, was stimulating that sweet gushy spot deep inside her cunt that has her squirming on top of him. doesn't even care either, all the blonde knows is that she doesn't want it to stop. the addition of her middle finger to her throbbing bud pushes her closer and closer to the edge, "it feels so fucking good, daddy." despite lids of blue hues becoming heavy, she forces her eyes to remain open and locked with his, wanting him to see the sexual gratification so clearly etched across pretty features. "yes! yes! yes!" is the only word that can leave her when answering his questions; she is so damn close, and she's holding off until keenan gives her permission to cum. a sharp needy moan bubbles out from her throat when thick digits begin scissoring inside of her, stretching her out even further. still, she could see in her man's face that he was just as close as she was. they're both too damn close for quivering knees to give up on her now. can't help but giggle when his hand pushes her own way, and instead using it for better balance when she wraps it against his thigh, aiding her in the way hips rise and drop. "i'm gonna c-cum, i can't hold it any longer," the second homme gives her approval, her cunt becomes more slippery, thighs convulsing as the most intense feeling washed over her, screaming as that earth shattering orgasm ripped through her and drawing out her orgasm even longer by still furiously pushing his cock deep inside her. can feel wetness stirring inside her, a muted gasp comes out as spurts of liquid gushed onto his stomach and no doubt creating a wet stain on the sheets underneath them.

"and would that be such a bad thing? i think we should give it a shot and see if it makes me ego bigger than yours", homme offers with a teasing grin. he could never call dylan a good girl constantly, considering how often she acted out and enjoyed being punished it simply wasn't the right label for her — she was a vixen with a twisted view on pleasure. good girls didn't soak themselves from being spanked until their cheeks turned raw. "but you'd get to see it afterwards, princess. i start spanking you in the mirror and all of a sudden it turns in to me fucking you against that mirror, it'd kind of ruin the whole punishment part of the punishment." which of course she was probably aiming for, that he'd speed up those harsh swats to her ass cheeks just so he could sink himself in to her dripping cunt or tight ass. "you sure about that, princess? cause it seems like you spent a lot of time practicing . . . does daddy's cock not fill you up enough?" hues darken as he stuffs that puffed up pussy with his fingers, entranced by the way she unravels on top of him. "the greediest fuckin' bitch, so hungry for a full cunt that you'll shove anything you can find inside yourself." gaze dips to her pussy, now she's bent back he can see the way his cock fills her tight body up, how much of a squeeze it is adding those fingers. "yeah baby . . . " it's too easy to get distracted by the filthy view he has, "we'll fist that puckered hole, i'll use my cum to lube it up and we'll train you to take my hand — nastiest little slut." if he was this turned on by the addition of his fingers alongside his cock keenan couldn't imagine how he'd feel when she got stretched enough to add an entire fucking toy too. the sounds were utterly disgusting, her slick cunt coming down on his length, his fingers pressing against his own cock as he pushes them into her spasming cunt. it was filthy and he fucking loved it. "that's it baby, rub that needy clit for daddy . . . " he could have done it himself, but he wants to savour how fucking tight his girl is around his digits, how he brushes his hand against his own cock in the process, only stimulating himself further. "gonna make a mess, huh?" he can feel his heart pounding in his chest, desperate to break free as his cock throbs and begs for release inside of her — but not yet. "gonna wet this fuckin' bed like the whore you are, dyl? gonna squirt all over daddy?" god it was such a tempting thought, his girl getting so much pleasure that she couldn't even control herself. "do it, baby. you can't promise and not deliver, can you?" hips tilt up toward her ever moving body, shoving his rock hard cock into her clamping heat. she needs it just as much as he does. so damn close to the edge, yet he'll wait for her. "nasty fuckin' bitch, so damn easy for sir aren't you? a high class corner slut." fingers forcefully scissor inside her, grunting from the way her arousal coats his hand and dribbles down to his balls. he can't hold on for much longer, so keenan impatiently pushes her own hand aside, thumb moving to stroke and circle that sensitive bundle of nerves. "scream for daddy, dyl. wreck that throat just like i'm ruining your cunt right now."

[alicenpai]

🌟 ART SUMMARY 2024 🥂

this was a year where i didnt draw a lot, despite that, i tried to make every drawing count. thank you all for the support in 2024, here's to 2025 ! 🫶

⭐ [read more starts here]

i continued my goals from last year with regards to perfectionism. the tldr is that i strongly feel my perfectionism kept me away from completing as many drawings as i could, and i had to make an effort to just finish drawings no matter how lukewarm I felt about them. 2024 was a strange year, it came and went in the blink of an eye, even more than previous years! life has been stressful, so i've been trying to focus more on myself and taking time off drawing. ironic, although i think i succeeded in that above goal, i expected to get more drawings out of it, but ended up taking more time off drawing anyways. towards the end of the year, i started feeling more burnt out, and drawing became a slow and arduous process. i think part of the reason was because 2024 was my first year doing 5 events - 2 full weekend conventions (anime north and otakuthon), and 3 single day events (bamtori fall aapi market, toronto game expo, bamtori jinglebam market), when in the past 2 years i'd just opt to do 1-2 local cons. it was also my first time doing single day events, which were super chill! although you have to both set up and tear down on the same day, i felt more casual at those events, had more time to chat and look around. back to my point - despite being fun, doing so many events took its toll on me - especially during the colder months of the year, where i wasn't so used to going to events haha! usually i take fall as the time to rejuvenate and recover from summer events, but i couldn't really do that this year. i kept questioning myself, "does this drawing have appeal? will people buy this?" "is my art hireable?" and it's just not a healthy mindset to have. next year i'll try to draw more of what i enjoy and what's on my mind, instead of worrying too much if it's sellable! *feeling like the HAHA YES sickos meme* - 2025 art goals outlined below: - oc zine (aiming for a character guide with some test comics) - character interactions & poses! e.g. dancing, hugs - generally stuff that's more difficult to draw. my art is more illustrative, but sometimes i wished it was more engaging emotionally? like i want people to smile and cry with my characters... - illustrations that challenge me. when i say illusts that challenge me it's pretty abstract - do research and gather inspiration for every illust.. compositions that are difficult/complex and take a while to draft.. strong theme.. it's more for me to understand AHAHAHA. as the years go by you can see my art becoming more unified in theme and self indulgent... i want to keep going, i want to make art that is uniquely mine. less priority: - get used to sketching! truly miss how i used to fill up sketchbooks every year - sticker sheets (this is on the less priority list bc i will probably fulfill this goal regardless) - oc merch (happy with the stickers i made in the last 2 yrs, let's keep going!) - silly things! e.g. 4koma, silly doodles. comedy is an art, it IS a skill you can study and chip away at (e.g. comedians and comedy writers). make sure i take notes on really stand-out jokes i find funny & why

other various things to try and draw more of: - group pictures - animals - layouts and props. i find layouts and anything with hard surfaces difficult to draw, which is why i draw a lot of flowers and fabric LMAO. one thing i gotta do is start by either drawing characters holding props more (easy baby steps!) and/ or start drawing props around them and make my way towards harder things (e.g. practice drawing a character sitting, i'll start by drawing a simple chair, then a table, then objects on that table). this is also one of my weaknesses - draw the ground they're standing on if possible, e.g. characters standing on a grid - vehicles, if i can. i mostly draw stuff from fantasy series where cars don't exist LOL but i'll try...

[imvietnamesenotchinese]

happy birthday luna!!

The force of Nyx’s slam reverberates through the table, causing [REDACTED]’s fine china to rattle. ‘’It’s time,’’ she announces with a stern voice, ‘’Operation Luna’s Birthday. OLB for short.’’ The petite woman’s gaze is fierce. She’s ready for battle. Her friends, on the other hand, are not as riled up. One of them is a beautiful tall lady, whose name is Miyuna. Yuna for short. Miss Viandecourt if she doesn’t like you. The other one, a pretty brunette whose eyes pierce through your soul, looks a little bit confused. 

Silence fills the air, until the tension is broken by the beautiful dark-haired Miyuna. ‘’Nyx…’’ Her tone could be best described as exasperated. ‘’I love you, but you cannot do this a second time.’’ She doesn’t break eye contact with the other woman. The latter looks offended.

‘’Why not!?’’ she defensively blurts out. ‘’My last plan was executed perfectly.’’ Her melodic voice is boastful. Nyx is, after all, a prideful woman. Perhaps a little bit too prideful at times. Nonetheless, she basks in the glory of her self-proclaimed scheming and cunning mind. If someone was in need of a mastermind for a heist, then Nyx would be the woman for the job. However, her last plan had been heavily criticized by lobbyists (her friends), despite the flawless execution (they had to put [REDACTED] inside the trunk of a car). 

Yuna raises a well-groomed eyebrow. ‘’Because the last time you planned a surprise birthday party, you had us kidnap our friend.’’ As to make a point, she gestures towards [REDACTED], who sits still and enjoys her tea. Occasionally, she’ll chime in with a ‘’mhm’’. Yuna crosses her arms. ‘’Actually, I’m still bewildered at how you managed to convince us to do that, even.’’

Nyx smirks and leans back on her chair. ‘’Because I’m charismatic as fuck.’’ She winks.

‘’Hmph, you could become a politician,’’ Yuna snickers and takes a sip from her tea cup, ‘’or you could become the next Icarus.’’ She studies the cup’s swirly golden pattern. It’s a beautiful contrast against the glossy pink porcelain. Finally, she sets it down on the coaster.

The third woman, who had been sitting silently and listening, suddenly chimes in. Miyuna and Nyx turn their heads to their friend. [REDACTED] puts a delicate finger on her chin, showcasing her ball-jointed tattoo. Her eyes are raised skywards as her face displays a querying expression. ‘’We wouldn’t be able to kidnap Luna anyways. She’s as strong as 10 regular men. The three of us don’t even hold a candle against her,’’ she explains in a matter-of-fact voice. ‘’And I only have access to human sedatives, we’d need horse tranquilizers to take her down.’’

The last bit of information gets a strong reaction from Nyx. She knits her eyebrows together, forming a puzzled look. ‘’Why are you talking about her like she isn’t even human? Horse tranquilizers? Please, she’s a college girl, like the rest of us, even if she's absurdly strong. Besides, we’re not going to drug her. What the hell.’’ 

The violet-eyed Miyuna shoots a concerned look [REDACTED]’s way. ‘’So are we not gonna question how you have access to sedatives?’’

The doll-like girl only shrugs her shoulders. ‘’Anyway, take what I’ve said with a grain of salt. After all, I haven’t graduated from med school yet.’’ 

In frustration, Nyx slams the table once again. This time, [REDACTED] gives her a stern look. ‘’Stop doing that. You’ll startle the girls.’’ The brunette nods in the direction of her couch. The three women could’ve sprawled out on that comfortable plush sofa, if it hadn’t been filled to the brim with various kinds of antique dolls. Nyx could never keep her gaze on them for too long. They stare back. 

Don’t be mistaken, though. It doesn’t end at the couch. The apartment walls are lined with shelves, displaying porcelain dolls. The three college girls are sitting around a circular table, decorated with lace tablecloths and stacked with diverse finger sandwiches. There are four chairs around the table. One for Miyuna, one for Nyx, one for the hostess, and one for the bald porcelain doll belonging to said hostess.

Miyuna lets out a sigh and leans slightly forward. ‘’So, if we can get back to planning for a moment: what exactly are we doing for Luna’s birthday?’’ 

Nyx opens her mouth to speak, but gets quickly shut down. The violet-eyed woman curtly reprimands, ‘’No kidnapping!’’

‘’Alright fine!’’ Nyx raises her arms and rolls her eyes. Her fiery temper settles down, and she finally collects her thoughts enough to speak. ‘’I’ve been thinking, and yes– no so-called ‘’crimes’’ involved.’’ She finishes with an innocent smile. That smile of hers could be so deceiving sometimes. Yuna knew better than to trust it, though.

The taller woman plays with her hair. ‘’That’s a relief... If I can take you at your word. What’s the plan, then?’’

The petite girl continues, ‘’we know what she likes, right?’’

‘’Strawberries,’’ Yuna answers.

Nyx waves her hand dismissively. ‘’Yes, but I was thinking of something else.’’

‘’Cats!’’ [REDACTED] excitedly chimes in.

Crossing her arms, Nyx shakes her head. ‘’Not wrong, but try again.’’

Attempting a second time, Yuna replies, ‘’video games?’’

‘’Getting hotter,’’ hums Nyx.

‘’Arcades?’’ suggests [REDACTED].

Nyx flips her hair and flashes a brilliant smile, as if she’d won a million dollars. ‘’Bingo!’’ 

[REDACTED] claps, happy that she got it right. She looks expectantly at Nyx. ‘’So are we going to take her to the arcade?’’

The other woman confirms her friend’s query by nodding her head. ‘’Yes,’’ Nyx says as presses her fingers together, ‘’but we need to somehow get her into one without arousing suspicion.’’

Leaning back and crossing her legs, Yuna thinks for a moment. ‘’Hm,’’ she starts, ‘’this might be difficult. After all, it’s very suspicious of us to take her to an arcade on the day of her birthday. She’s going to realize, and it’ll ruin the surprise.’’ She looks over to Nyx, who seems to be in agreement. ‘’So how are we going to disguise it?’’

Obviously, Nyx has already cooked up a plan. She straightens her posture, making sure that both of her friends are attentive to what she’s going to say. ‘’Well, first of all, we’re going to rent out an arcade. Secondly, we will have to trick her into going in. Thirdly, we’re going to need bait for that to happen.’’

‘’How are we going to bait her?’’ [REDACTED] timidly asks.

Nyx leans in, a mean gleam in her eye. ‘’She loves cats. If she saw a poor, injured kitty, she’d be compelled to save it. We’ll need some back-up. Here’s the plan.’’ 

‘’Christmas party on the 25th at 8 PM, don’t be late or else you’re a real stinker!!!’’ reads the text message that’s displayed on Luna’s phone screen. She’s not quite sure how to use all of the applications yet, but Nyx had insisted that she would download this particular one. It’s good for keeping in contact with each other, apparently. [REDACTED] claimed that the application had ‘’cute stickers’’, meanwhile Yuna had said ‘’everyone’s using it.’’

The long-haired beauty walks down the streets of the city. Today is Christmas Eve, and she plans on celebrating it with the people she cares about the most. She’d invited a fellow classmate, someone from her art class. Since this is a student party, and not a private celebration, she assumed it was okay if she brought along a plus one. Luna isn’t particularly the biggest fan of parties or large gatherings in general. She prefers to be cozied up in bed, playing her favorite games. But her friends had invited her, and they said everyone was going to be there. Spending an evening with her girls doesn’t sound so bad.

The glistening pure white snow crunches underneath her boots. Next to her is a tall young man with green and black hair. He walks close to her, nearly touching her shoulders. Luna’s face lights up like the stars in the night sky, her eyes full of wonder as she takes in the breathtaking scenery. The city is beautiful at night, yes, but it’s even more magical during winter. The ground’s completely covered in white. Meanwhile high above, Christmas lights and decorations are strung up on buildings. Every store they walk past boasts enchanting decorations: reindeers, little santas, and neon signs wishing everyone a merry Christmas.

Apparently, the party is located at a downtown bar. Luna couldn’t figure out the GPS (is that what they call it?), so Sol is the one showing the way. He periodically glances down at his phone, making sure that they are walking in the right direction. People pass by them, most of them are going home to their families. After all, it was getting late. Perhaps a little too late, because as they approach the bar, they notice that it’s completely dark inside. The sign on the door reads: Closed for Christmas!

A puzzled look spreads across Luna’s face. ‘’This can’t be right. Nyx said that it should be this bar.’’

Her classmate scratches his head. Although deep down, he’s letting out a sigh of relief. ‘’Maybe she gave you the wrong time. It’s closed. The party’s over.’’ He darts his yellow-orange eyes over to her face to gauge her reaction.

Luna shakes her head. ‘’No, I’m looking at her text right now. It says 8 PM.’’

‘’Are you sure?’’ Sol asks, looking at Luna’s phone screen. He reads it for a moment and raises his eyebrows. ‘’Damn. Maybe she played a prank on you.’’

The college girl jerks her body. She casts blue eyes on Sol’s face. They’re full of disbelief. ‘’No, Nyx wouldn’t do something like that!’’

This only causes Sol to scoff. ‘’You’d be surprised. This city is full of snakes,’’ he sneers. Under that tone of voice lies something more sinister. ‘’We should go. I’ll walk you home.’’

Luna thought that perhaps Sol was right. After all, this particular place looks desolate. Most of the shops on this street have already closed down for the night. Unlike the streets they’d crossed earlier, where people were still hustling and bustling about, this one didn’t have a single soul roaming around. 

‘’Meow.’’

Luna swiftly turns around. ‘’Huh, did you hear that?’’ 

She freezes in her tracks the moment she sees a little white kitty in front of her. It appears to be injured, with a bandage wrapped around one of its legs. Luna lets out a little gasp. ‘’Oh no, poor thing!’’ she exclaims, as she starts following the cat. It’s more of an instinct, really. Nyx knows that Luna has a pure heart. That’s why it’s quite easy to trick her.

Peeking her head out from behind a wall, not too far away from where Luna and Sol are, Nyx watches her friend intently. She has to make sure that everything goes according to plan. So far, so good. However, there is just one thing that ticks her off. That strange-looking man. Why the hell is he here? She thought Luna would come alone. Damn it. However, as things are now, the probability of him getting in the way is low. 

Behind Nyx stands Yuna and [REDACTED]. They’re all fashionably clad in winter coats and boots. ‘’It’s so cold,’’ mutters Yuna. Her breath comes out as smoke. ‘’I hope this goes by quickly.’’ Her friends nod in agreement. Everyone wants Luna to get inside the arcade as fast as possible. It’s perhaps 300 meters away from where they’re standing now. It all depends on Aaliyah now, who’s been diligently luring the cat to go in the right direction. 

It’s honestly amazing that Luna isn’t suspicious of the whole situation. The cat isn’t limping at all, despite having a bandage wrapped around its leg. It also looks well-groomed and well-fed. It certainly isn’t a stray, and [REDACTED] had just wrapped its leg in bandage. She isn’t studying vet med, but human med is close enough, no?

Nyx knows how to play with people’s heart strings. Luna’s going to follow that pitiful little kitty into the arcade. The doors will be open. It’ll be dark. And then… Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, now.

The cat sniffs the air, following the scent of wet food, which Liyah had been tasked to carry around as bait. Her help didn’t come without a cost, though. Nyx had to reluctantly agree to buy her food for a whole week. Ack, her bank account suffers so. But that’s what she is willing to do for the people she cares about. Not that she’d ever admit that, of course.

Its white fur almost blends in with the snow when it makes its way to the arcade. Nyx has no idea where Liyah is. Her main concerns are as follows: first of all, a cat is, well, a cat. They’re unpredictable and have minds of their own. Second of all, Liyah could potentially be discovered. After all, running around town with several cans of opened cat food is suspicious, to say the least. Despite Nyx’s concerns, literally no one has been able to find where Liyah is. It’s strange, she leaves no footprints, no sounds and no trace of her existence at all. The only reason the girls know that she’s still cooperating with their plan is because Liyah will occasionally text them updates.

Luna calls out to the cat. ‘’Here, kitty kitty! I promise I won’t hurt you. Please, let me help.’’ The cat seemingly ignores her and continues trotting away from her. She picks up her pace, so that she can keep up with her white-furred friend. Sol, however, seems to be less enthusiastic.

‘’Luna,’’ he says as he follows behind her, ‘’something doesn’t feel right.’’

‘’I know, how could someone possibly leave this kitty all alone? How is it going to fend for itself with an injury?’’ she sighs in disappointment, as she keeps chasing the cat. Her face is flushed pink, and her hair is covered in half-melting snowflakes. ‘’We need to help it.’’

Yuna, Nyx and [REDACTED] make sure to follow along behind Sol and Luna, who are quickly approaching the arcade. After a short while, the two college students are standing outside of the arcade building. It appears to be closed. It’s completely dark inside, but the doors to the place are wide open. If it wasn’t for the fact that Luna regularly visits this place with her friends, she would’ve thought it was abandoned. No Christmas decorations are hung up, not a single soul inside it seems like. 

Something is definitely wrong, though. Luna feels as if she’s being watched, despite her not being able to spot anyone inside that place. The cat suddenly stops before the entrance, hisses, and darts away faster than she can react. ‘’Wait, Mr. Kitty!’’ she shouts after him, to no avail. Luna is ready to dash after it, but Sol is quicker. He grabs her arm. 

His weary eyes meet hers. ‘’Luna, I think we should go home. It’s too cold outside.’’

She immediately protests, ‘’but the cat–’’

‘’--Is going to be fine. Look at how fast it ran. It has most likely already healed from its injury. That coat was glossy white, too. Someone is taking care of it, I assure you.’’ He smiles, an attempt to reassure her. His grip on her arm doesn’t loosen, though.

‘’Fuck,’’ Nyx mumbles underneath her breath. ‘’Why didn’t that stupid cat go inside!?’’

‘’It must’ve been spooked,’’ Yuna sighs. ‘’It’s a cat. There was always going to be a risk of it running away.’’

Nyx throws her head back dramatically and groans. ‘’But we were so close!’’

Yuna fiddles with her scarf. ‘’Ugh, does this mean we have to enact Plan B?’’

The raven-haired woman looks exhausted. ‘’Yes. Plan B.’’

[REDACTED] pulls out something from her pocket. 

Nyx shoots her a confused look.

She simply tilts her head in response to Nyx’s confusion. ‘’You said we needed Plan B?’’

‘’I don’t think she meant the literal Plan B,’’ Yuna explains. 

‘’Oh.’’

The taller woman among the girls looks at Nyx. ‘’So, Plan B?’’

Plan B sucks. The elf costumes are itchy. And it’s freezing cold. At least Miyuna looks half-decent as Santa. [REDACTED] and Nyx, however, look ridiculous. Luna’s nervosity makes itself apparent by her fiddling with her fingers. She has no idea what is going on. Sol is suspicious of the whole situation. He narrows his eyes at the three cosplaying weirdos in front of him. He’s standing in front of Luna, as an attempt to shield her from said weirdos.

‘’Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!’’ [REDACTED], dressed up as one of Santa’s little helpers, greets with glee. Nyx shoves an elbow at her.

‘’That’s not your line,’’ hisses the other elf. She proceeds to shoot Miyuna a menacing glare. Yuna hesitates. Her left eye twitches. Nyx doesn’t budge, her staredown is downright devious. 

Yuna sings a little prayer in her head, and ultimately forces a smile. The good thing about being a performer on the ice, is that those skills are transferable to everyday life. Flashing fake smiles is something she is very much used to. ‘’Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!’’ Immediately after saying that, she wants to run away and hide inside a hole.

‘’Uh, merry Christmas?’’ Luna replies back with an uncertain tone of voice. She avoids eye contact. Sol, on the other hand, is still staring down the three strangers. [REDACTED], Yuna and Nyx feel a chill go down their spines. That guy is bad news. The three girls exchange a look with each other. They’re all thinking: we need to get rid of that guy.

‘’We’re Santa’s little helpers, and we’ve come here to share the Holiday spirit with you!’’ Nyx tries to sound as merry as she can. She points towards the dark entrance to the arcade. ‘’We’re giving away free gifts inside this arcade!’’

Luna flashes a hesitant smile. ‘’Oh, that’s great.’’

The dark-eyed elf raises an eyebrow. ‘’So, don’t you want to go in there and get yourself a little free gift?’’

The brown and purple haired woman shakes her head. ‘’No, I’d rather that kids who don’t have the opportunity to do so get a chance to celebrate Christmas. I don’t need anything.’’ Classic Luna. Putting others before herself. Normally, this is an admirable trait. In this situation, though, it’s more of an obstacle. 

[REDACTED] wipes away a tear from her eye. ‘’You’re so sweet!’’

Nyx growls. ‘’Too sweet. Jesus fucking Christ, woman.’’

‘’Excuse me?’’ Sol’s voice drops. He straightens his back as an attempt to hide Luna behind him. His eyes darken, and his eyebrows are knit together. The tension in the air is so thick, a knife could cut through it. The temperature, if possible, drops even more.

‘’Listen.’’ There’s a tinge of annoyance in Nyx’s voice, despite her best efforts to hide it. ‘’We have enough gifts to go around. Just get in there and have fun!’’

Luna turns her head around to observe the entrance of the arcade. It’s dark and silent. There’s no sound of giggling kids, no sound of presents being unwrapped, no sound of anyone being in there. Despite all of that, she feels that someone or something is watching her. A lump forms in her throat. She really doesn’t want to go in there.

The young man takes a step forward. His whole demeanor is hostile. ‘’Listen,’’ he manages to spit out, ‘’leave us alone. Now.’’ Sol’s knuckles are white from clenching his fists. 

Yuna tries to intervene. ‘’Maybe we should–’’

‘’And who are you?’’ scoffs Nyx. ‘’Some kind of wannabe hotshot? Leave us alone, you creep!’’

Those are fighting words.

The wrong kind of words.

Within seconds, her feet are dangling in the air. Sol is holding her up by the collar of her stupid elf costume. His eyes scream murder. Her eyes scream panic. The blood in Nyx’s body runs cold, and it’s not because of the negative temperatures outside. The others start to panic.

‘’Oh my God–’’

‘’Sol, let the elf down!’’

Before any of them can do anything, a dart whistles through the air. It hits Sol in the leg. The man looks confused. Then confusion morphs into dazedness, and the next thing Nyx knows, she’s down on the ground again. Apparently, she’s not the only one. The young man, who’d held her up earlier, is also down on the sidewalk. Faceplanted in the snow. Now it’s Nyx’s turn to be confused. She spins around, and sees that [REDACTED] is holding some kind of… straw?

‘’What did you do!?’’ Yuna exclaims as she covers her mouth in shock.

‘’Oh, don’t worry. It’s not horse tranquilizer!’’

‘’What exactly is it then!?’’

‘’Just your run-of-the-mill sedative,’’ [REDACTED] hums in a sing-song tone of voice. A beat passes. ‘’For humans,’’ she quickly adds.

‘’Why and how did you have that!?’’

‘’I mean, I have more stuff than just that…’’

Luna just stares in horror at Sol’s unmoving body. She’s unable to move, like a deer caught in the headlights. These elves are not messing around. Her body is in fight or flight mode, and right now, all she wants to do is toss Sol over the shoulder and run. That is, until the little elf starts shouting at her. ‘’Get inside that fucking arcade, or else!’’

Nyx grabs the unconscious Sol’s head. She’s holding something against his throat (it’s a tampon). Luna’s eyes widen in fear (she has no idea what a tampon is). Yuna feels a twinge of guilt tug at her heartstrings. This whole plan was a mess. ‘’Okay, I’ll do as you say. Please, don’t hurt him!’’ Luna blurts out with a shaky voice. She steels herself and briskly walks into the arcade. The lump in her throat grows bigger.

When she’s finally inside, the lights immediately turn on. She expects to be jumped, robbed, left cold and abandoned on the floor. She startles as she hears a dozen pops. And then hundreds of colorful specks fill the air, dancing in front of her vision. ‘’Happy birthday, Luna!’’ the crowd of people shout. They erupt into laughter and cheers as Luna looks on, confused, still high on adrenaline. Familiar faces line up in her field of vision. Brit, Jess, Liyah, Ai, the other Luna, and so many more. They’re all holding empty confetti poppers. 

Luna is too stunned to speak. Her jaw is on the floor. More people emerge. She recognizes Lily, Lilith and Kura. They’re all wishing her a happy birthday as she just stares, shell-shocked. After a few seconds pass, she finally scrambles her thoughts together, before stuttering out a: ‘’What’s going on?’’. Brit and Jess exchange a look.

Brittney is the first to reply. ‘’It’s your surprise party, of course.’’

Luna blinks. ‘’My what?’’ She doesn't have the time to ask more questions before she feels someone grab her by the shoulders. She jolts in the air, turns around, and sees a familiar face. However, that person is half-dressed as an elf, which confuses Luna even more.

‘’Your surprise party, duh!’’ Nyx exclaims, disguise shoddily taken off. Her dark eyes sparkle, like a little kid staring at their parents, expecting praise. She gets none, though. Instead, all she gets is a confused look from the taller woman.

Luna hesitates for a moment. ‘’But, what about the Christmas party?’’

‘’I lied,’’ Nyx bluntly confesses. ‘’To make sure you wouldn’t get suspicious. Pretty smart, eh?’’ 

‘’It somehow turned out worse than last time,’’ Yuna curtly cuts in. She rips her fake beard off as fast as humanly possible.

‘’What about Sol, is he okay?’’ asks Luna.

[REDACTED] appears behind Nyx and Yuna, no longer in elf costume. She gives her friend a reassuring smile. ‘’Your friend that’s outside? He should wake up in approximately 30 minutes. Don’t worry, I’ll have someone carry him inside.’’

Luna lets out a sigh of relief. 

Red and her band are performing on stage. The lively music blends in with the sound effects of the games from the arcade machines. Finny and Aster are competing at one of them. Scarlet makes a bet on who the winner will be. Amy, Joy and Evie wish Luna a happy birthday as they pass her by to grab another slice of pizza. The birthday girl herself is sat at one of the many tables in the premises. Across from her sits her three closest friends, who had explained everything to her. The cat, the arcade, the fake party. ‘’So,’’ starts Yuna, ‘’this was, once again, Nyx’s idea.’’ 

‘’Yep, pretty brilliant, huh?’’ Nyx smirks. Yuna shakes her head.

‘’We drugged a man, Nyx.’’

The raven-haired woman rolls her eyes at the accusation. ‘’We? Who’s we? [REDACTED] did that. And I have to say, thank you for saving my ass back there.’’ She playfully nudges the brunette next to her.

[REDACTED] takes a bite from her slice of strawberry cake before replying. ‘’It’s alright. I do tend to have these things on me, as they can come in handy.’’

‘’When and why would you ever need to carry around sedatives?’’ questions Luna. She’s clad in a comically large tiara and a pink sash that reads Birthday girl!!!. In front of her lies multiple gifts. Some small, some big. All of them carrying love and appreciation from her friends. 

Yuna raises her hands in frustration. ‘’That’s what I’ve been saying!’’

‘’Anyway,’’ Nyx clears her throat, ‘’back on topic. That stranger was certainly an… unpredictable factor. The plan was just to lure you inside the arcade. That’s it. No kidnappings involved. Honestly girl, I kind of blame you. I mean, I certainly didn’t expect you to invite a guy to a party. Well, everything turned out fine in the end. That guy’s still alive and breathing, and we managed to catch you by surprise!’’

Luna’s lips break into a shy smile. ‘’Yes, you did. But you know, you didn’t have to do all of this for me. I appreciate it, I really do.’’ She pauses. ‘’Although, next time, maybe we can do something at my place?’’ Her eyes are pleading. 

‘’That sounds like a great idea,’’ agrees Yuna. ‘’I’m actually kind of scared of what Nyx is planning to do on my birthday.’’

Nyx bristles. ‘’Hey! My plans always turn out okay in the end. Your birthday party is in good hands.’’

All the girls, except Nyx, laugh. This causes her to pout and cross her arms. ‘’Whatever,’’ she scoffs, ‘’let’s play some games. Winner gets free drinks from the losers.’’

Luna giggles. ‘’I’m in.’’

[vindicated-truth]

Despite the fact that Han Kihwan is undoubtedly the weakest and most pathetic villain among the fray of villains in Beyond Evil, he becomes in the end the central villain of the story for his central role in Joowon's and Dongsik's relationship.

In the overall arc of the story's sublime writing and impactful messaging, Han Kihwan is the main villain spotlighted to demonstrate the extent of his monstrosity in dual ways: how he destroyed lives both externally and internally.

Han Kihwan destroyed lives externally: he was a complete stranger outside of Dongsik's sphere, and yet because of his carelessness and heartlessness in killing and abandoning a young girl full of promise and life, not only did he commit the heinous crime of destroying her life, but he also destroyed the lives of that girl's immediate family and everyone who loved her, subjecting them to a life of misery and insanity and—in Dongsik's specific case—having your innocence forever tarnished in being wrongfully accused. He did not only destroyed lives, he destroyed livelihoods and dreams and families.

At the same time, Han Kihwan destroyed lives internally: as the patriarch of the Han family, whose role is supposed to be their pillar, he was also the one who destroyed the Han family from the inside, sending away his wife and his son's mother to her eventual insanity and death, and then sending away his own son to a life of exile and neglect to grow up away from all of his son's support system. He was an abusive husband and an abusive father, and not only did he destroy his son's relationship with his mother, his son's youth and innocence, and his son's entire childhood, but he also destroyed his own son's entire future in destroying his own family's image and career.

And when the two central men whose lives Han Kihwan has destroyed the most come together, it is with that bittersweet irony that he becomes the catalyst for their relationship and eventual devotion to one another.

Joowon kneels before Dongsik as a wordless vow:

"I have seen firsthand what my father has done not only to you, but to everyone you love. I have seen first hand all the lives he has destroyed because he killed and abandoned your sister, and he deserves to go to hell for it. And I will make sure he does, even if it means I go to hell with him. For you, for your sister, for your family, for the lives of everyone you love that my own father destroyed—I will bring him down for you."

And Dongsik holds out his own wrists before Joowon as his own wordless vow in return:

"I have seen firsthand how you uphold justice and hold everyone accountable in equal measure, without exception—including your own self. And I have seen how your own father has evaded justice and escaped that accountability for twenty-one years, and how he's become the biggest disappointment to you as the son he should've loved the most. I've once cruelly said that I see your father in you. As long as I draw breath, I will never let you see your own father in me. I will not do what he did: I will not escape my own accountability. I will never be like your father."

[ghostnotoast]

I'm having withdrawal symptoms from waiting for the new episode to come out, and this has been buzzing around my head since this part came out (also I wanna talk about my wife Lily)

Relistening to this part twice made me cry I'm not even gonna lie but weirdly enough it made me think of the end of season 1 where John gets a taste of being the king for a split second but then chooses to go back to Arthur. After he returns, he says:

"But it was in that time in the hospital, that month alone. Trapped in this body without you, when something changed"

"I found meaning. I found that the challenges of life within the boundaries of death were not only acceptable, but could be meaningful. That without a purpose I could forge my own. Is that humanity?"

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it was Lily who was fully responsible for giving John humanity - if anything, that's the mistake Arthur makes in season 3 when comparing John to Yellow (which John calls him out for). It was Arthur who laid out the pieces, and Lily was basically the one to make it click.

Buttt I think reducing John's reason for humanity to only one thing is almost a disservice- because developing a sense of self is so much more complex than that.

It was Arthur's love, it was the stories and thoughts he would share with John, it was being in awe of seeing trees and nature again after so long of living in the dark, it was hearing music, it was listening to the radio, it was the joy he felt after they complished something and he was finally able to feel something other than fear, it was seeing the wraith help them, it was holding a cute baby and picturing her future as a pianist, it was seeing her mother and recognising that she had just lost something priceless, it was having to hold onto hope that anyone is capable of redemption, it was defending and having empathy for the widow despite what Arthur had said.

The last moment is paralleled in season 3 with their conversation about Yellow. Listening to all these makes me realise just how much Yellow missed out on.

Arthur no doubt played a massive role in helping John find humanity and meaning, but honesty? I don't know if purely being with Arthur is what made John who he is. John himself has a conscious and had to make decisions on his own and, on multiple occasions, fights Arthur about ideology with basically little to no outside influence (e.g, their infamous first divorce).

Despite all that though, I still do think Arthur was one of the biggest reasons, I mean just look at Yellow 😭 I'll write an entire essay about him one day

But this entire yap session was basically me trying to imagine what exactly was so special about that month at the hospital because let's be real if I were John I would go crazy BUT sometimes i just imagine John being there, in a hospital without Arthur, being able to do nothing but think

He thinks about the bright clear blue sky he saw, a bird that landed on the windowsill when they were at the library, he thinks about how alive this world is compared to where he came from, he thinks about the radio that's playing, he thinks about the piano, and then he thinks about Arthur

And I imagine he looks at Lily, at her tending to them, at her chatting to them, at her turning on the radio for them so they're not bored and even though people would call all these extra bits of care pointless - she does it anyway, and she does it for them, and John is there to witness this, and that's the moment where it clicks.

I imagine it sort of being like being moved back to see a finished puzzle and finally understanding what you've been making this entire time after spending so long up close looking at individual pieces

And I think that's what the witch didn't understand about John's story. Lily's care was the climax of John becoming John, and even though John acknowledges that for her it was probably another Tuesday - it still doesn't dampen the fondness and love he has for her, he just loves for the sake of it

[nineteenninety-six]

Hi! I’m not sure if you write for the pesky blondes anymore but I loved all your word with them! Could you do one with daughter reader, who tries really hard at school or a sport (like comporting or winning lots of medals) to impress Tommy who is distant with her but end up giving up after a while because he doesn’t pay attention to it? And he only notices because Polly or another family member asks about and she goes “oh, I dropped it.” And they realize why and confront Tommy about it? It can end however you want otherwise, thank you!

AN: Hi, omg can you believe it's been almost 2 years since I last posted something and I have tried to write over the last couple years but I struggled. Anyway, hopefully this is good and you like it as it's been forever since I wrote and it's probably ooc since I haven't watched PB in forever either.

Born years before the war to a mother that died shortly after, and her father sent away to the war when she was still a child, YN’s relationship with her father was almost non-existent. She was too young to have any memories of him before he left and when he returned, he wasn’t the same man, a shell of his former self.

She had been mostly raised by her Aunt Polly even after her father and uncles return from the war and her father had his moments of trying to be involved with her life but those moments never lasted long, usually inspired by some near death moment that reminded him of the preciousness of life before he pulled himself into some other sort of all encompassing drama that had him disappearing from her life for months on end.

YN was eager for her fathers acknowledgment, not even approval but the mere recognition of her existence and so she decided to try and prove herself to him, to show how smart and what a good daughter she was.

Things changed when Charlie was born and her father married Grace but once again that didn’t last once Grace died as her father disappeared once again and she was left at Arrow House with her baby brother and the house staff and so she focused on helping the staff with Charlie and studying hard at school, getting some of the highest grades in her year but even that did not capture the attention of her father and so she tried something else.

⋅───⊱༺ ♰ ༻⊰───⋅

“Horseback riding?” Her father glanced up at her from his seat behind his grand desk in his office.

“They offer it to year ten and I thought…” YN nodded, referencing the expensive elite private school that her father sends her to.

Her father pursed his lips and sighed, “You have more than one bloody horse out there…”

YN glanced out of her window to the vast paddocks and fields that surrounded Arrow House before turning her focus back to her father, “It’s not the same father. You rarely allow me to take Sweetcorn or Biscuit out for rides and you certainly don’t allow me to have a hand in their care but at school I’ll learn how to ride and compete with them along with taking care of them”

Her fathers gaze was heavy but she did not buckle under its weight.

”And what about your other classes? Tennis, ballet, swimming, golf…”

YN paused at the mention of the extra classes she was participating in, not even realizing her father knew but she guessed that since he was paying for everything he had to.

“Well, I’ve been managing with my classes so far, what’s one more” YN shrugged, shooting her father almost a sheepish smile

Tommy watched her for a few more moments before he sighed and signed her permission slip before holding it out for her, “If this is what you wish”

YN grabs the slip with a thankful smile, hoping that this is what will hopefully get her father to become more involved in her life.

”Thank you, father”

⋅───⊱༺ ♰ ༻⊰───⋅

YN scanned the crowds looking for her father, her eyes darting from left to right, eyes peeled wide open as if it would help her find the brooding brummie but to no avail, but she did see her younger brother, her aunt and her uncles all cheering from her in the stands not far her and while she smiled and waved back at them her heart sunk at the non-appearance of her father.

Here she was at a national competition, competing against the best in the country, yet her father was nowhere to be seen. A whole year of hard practice, six days a week along with juggling her other sports and school, to try and impress her father and he hadn’t even bothered to show his face.

Feeling eyes on her, YN looked around and found her aunts scrutinising eyes on her and so not to arouse suspicion, YN swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth and sent her aunt a smile that she was sure that the older woman did not believe for a single moment, before turning around and heading to her stall where her trainer was waiting for her.

Two hours later and still no sign of her father, YN stood at the top of the podium with her trophy in one hand, bouquet in the other and a grin forced on her face after she won and she kept her eyes on her younger brother, on his bright smile and loud cheers and not on the space that should contain their absent father.

⋅───⊱༺ ♰ ༻⊰───⋅

Christmas Day at Arrow House was always a grand event with all of YN’s uncles, aunts and cousins travelling to Warwickshire on Christmas Eve to start their annual celebration and though YN was quite a bit older than her cousins, she enjoyed spending time with them anyway.

The whole family sat around the large table in the dining room, everybody talking over each other and YN was brought out of conversation with her aunt Ada by her aunt Polly asking a seemingly innocent question.

”YN, when is your next ballet recital? The last one was a joy to watch.”

YN took a nervous sip of her water before she answered, “Oh, I um stopped ballet.”

Polly look at her in surprise as Esme chimed in,

“Oh with all the extracurriculars you do I’m surprised you managed to keep up with everything at once”

“I dropped those too…I’ve dropped all my sports.” YN murmurs, “Figured it’s best to focus on school and my studies only”

All of the adults at the table had overheard what she had said and were in an uproar. It was well known how much YN loved her sports and competing, so to hear that she was suddenly quitting made no sense.

”Whaddya mean 'quitting'?!" Arthur asked, his voice carrying loudly.

”Well good exam results will take me to university, so I’ve decided to focus on that only” YN tried to explain.

”You’ve never had any problems with balancing it before, why now?” Polly asked.

YN’s eyes flicker up to her fathers face, no-one catching it other than her aunt Polly.

”Classes are getting harder”

That’s all YN had to say before she changed the conversation topic to something other than her.

⋅───⊱༺ ♰ ༻⊰───⋅

Polly made her way into Tommy’s late into the night that evening, knowing the man barely slept and would be up and in his office.

“Are you planning on talking to your daughter?” Polly asked as she settled in the seat opposite her nephew.

Tommy raised a curious eyebrow as he poured his aunt a glass of whiskey and passed it over to her, “About?”

“Quitting all of her sports…?”

”Yeah well you heard her, she wants to focus on school”

Polly huffs a disbelieving sigh, disappointed in Tommy,

”When was the last time you saw that girl struggling with her workload hmm? Not to mention the countless amount of times she’s helped out with Charlie on top of everything else she does”

Tommy paused at her words, realising that he hasn’t really paid YN any attention recently.

“When was the last time you even went to one of her shows, competitions or award shows hm?” Polly drilled him, “This girl of yours is amazing and you’re ignoring her Tommy”

“I’m not ignoring her!” Tommy became defensive, “She almost an adult, she can do what she wants”

”Don’t you see it?!” Polly’s patience wears thin as she snaps at her nephew, “You barely spent any time with her when she was a mere child and still now you don’t! You hardly know the girl while she’s stretching herself thin trying to prove herself and you don’t even pay her enough attention to realise!”

Tommy was left speechless at the rightful telling off he had received as after all, Polly was correct.

Tommy barely spent time with YN when she was younger and as the years went by he spent even less. Stilted conversations over dinner was their relationship and he had no one but himself to blame.

“I-I didn’t…” Tommy stumbled over his words as he tried to settle the thousands of thoughts that were racing through his mind, “I didn’t think to…”

Polly stood up and faced her nephew, “This is your last chance. After tonight, the door that she has kept open for many years will be closed and locked with the key thrown away. You have one chance Tommy, do not squander it.”

With that, Polly left Tommy’s office, hoping that her words spurred him into action.

Tommy didn’t wait long before he was speeding out of his office and darting upstairs to his daughters room hoping and praying that she was still awake and when he knocked on her door and she called him in, the slightest of weights was lifted off of his shoulders.

“It’s me,” He announced, poking his head past her door.

Surprise flashed over YN’s face as his appearance as she beckoned him in, sitting up straighter as she placed the book she was reading to the side.

“Is something wrong?”

“I wanted to speak about what happened at dinner” Tommy took a seat on the edge of YN’s bed, “About you dropping your extra classes”

“It’s nothing” YN tried to dismiss it. “Just thought I should focus on school more so I can get into a good university, that's all”

“YN, you’re the smartest person I know” For the first time in a long time, Tommy spoke to YN one to one, in hopes that this conversation will be the first step in repairing their relationship, “Not only that but you are the most talented and hardworking person I know.”

YN paused for a moment after he finished before she spoke up, “Yet you never attended an award ceremony or performance or competing…how am I meant to know how you feel? …I did all of this to get a sliver of your attention, always hoping that one, just one of the many things I laden myself with would finally be the thing that’ll make you pay attention to me and you can’t even be bothered to show when it matters”

“I know nothing I can say to fix what I have done but all I ask for is one more chance and most of all, don’t give up on the things you love, not for me, not for anyone. Ever.”

Tommy knew words would not mend the hurt he has caused his daughter over the years but he hoped that she would give him this one last chance to fix it through his actions and behaviour.

YN takes a deep breath and nods, “One last chance”

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

i have to think about chilchuck and laios forever

[pttucker]

[Do you want to free the citizens of your industrial complex?] "Free them." [All citizens of the industrial complex are freed from your influence.] [The citizens of the Kim Dokja Industrial Complex have received the 'Escape Scenario'.] [The citizens of the Kim Dokja Industrial Complex can now choose an industrial complex.] [You have acquired a new legendary story!] [The story 'Liberator of the Industrial Complex' has been acquired.] Messages poured out and I left a final message. [Everyone, please leave. I will stop them until everyone leaves.]

Love that we get to see Dokja getting back on his feet so quickly. He may not have been strong enough to fight for First Murim himself, may have believed that the only option was to turn a blind eye as everyone around him began to suffer and die, but not this time. This he can do.

This is how the real Kim Dokja operates.

[soft-serve-soymilk]

Bitches be fighting (it’s the head children 😘☺️)

[trollbreak]

Man I need an unhappy but stubborn marriage ship huh

[stompandhollar]

Honestly the most revolutionary thing about Gravity Falls to me is its commitment to sincerity.

I’ve been listening to Alex’s podcast where he goes into the details of each episode with different storyboard artists and writers who worked on the show, and it just baffles me how… cared for the story is. Right now in media there’s been an uptick in satire, and shows making fun of themselves for existing, or taking the piss at their own content to “win” fans to their side. It’s like whimsy is gone from so many pieces of media. But Gravity Falls just doesn’t… do that. It completely embraces itself. Weirdness and all. And so does the team behind it. I’m not used to something I care about being so cared about by everyone surrounding it.

Here’s this cartoon, written and illustrated by an entire team of people saying, “no, we’re serious. we mean this. we made this on purpose and we made it important.”

Throughout the podcast, Alex discusses little ins and outs of each character, offering so much deep internal struggles and enriching the story even farther. And listening to him unpack it with the utmost sincerity just warms my heart. Each character is so dynamic because they were cared for by people who imbued them with sincerity.

That’s exactly why we get quotes like “Shame is powerful, but it grows in the dark,” as Ford realizes the trauma he’s hidden for so long is being embraced by his family, diminishing it’s weight on him through their immediate support.

It’s why we get Alex describing Stanley with quotes like; “I always in my gut thought of him as somebody with a huge well of sadness, a loss of human connection. And that need to please? That need to get laughs from the crowd, and putting on a big show? He’s trying to get from them the affection he never got from his family, and that he lost with his brother.”

Or detailing how Mabel might be a goof… but half the time she’s doing a bit, because she’s really more mature than her brother and doesn’t want him to grow up too fast. She’s trying to help ground him and bring lightheartedness into his life. Because she knows otherwise, he’ll become too self isolated.

And those two mini character studies he dropped so casually in these podcast episodes just… color the show. It’s why the show survived so well even after ten years. It’s gruff-old Stan always calling his niece “Pumpkin” and “Honey”. It’s the family always holding hands without it behind laced with a joke, and falling asleep on one another in the car. It’s Alex explaining that people toyed with other endings, other plot lines, other twists, but it was always going to end with Stan and Ford mending the family tie they severed thirty years ago. Because that was their story. Messes and family and care.

Ten years ago, watching it for the first time as it came out, I felt all that. But now, as an adult, knowing that all the other adults who made it felt the exact same way? :,) What a special story we all got to grow up with, and get to continue being apart of.