#we just wanna sell you pot

[intosnarkness]

What part of anxiety disorder life is “panic attack at the dispensary” asking for a me

[hyhkai]

games i'd love to play with txt

don't ask what this is idk either.

yeonjun — five nights at Freddy's

i feel like it'd be fun seeing him scared the fuck out of himself while looking throught the cameras. i mean, did we see him in the haunted house to x do episode or just scared in general? it's hilarious imo. also he'd call grown chica hot.

Beomgyu — minecraft

loser.

do i seriously have to explain? he's a loser gamer bf. he'd play it for hours and build the cutest stuff for you just because you asked and are unable to, but he'd hide it from you for a long time bcz he's afraid of showing feelings

Soobin — overcooked (2)

there's only one way to describe this. he'd be so stressed. especially trying to teach you how to cook in a game. and I quote a situation I've seen —

"do I bring the rice to the pot or the pot to the rice?!" you said, and the game turned on the results.

one star.

he sighed setting the controller down and looking at you, like this is the end of the world and you're discussing it with extra precautions. "so you bring the rice from the box to the pot put it in the pot, once the green bar completes, then you PICK UP THE POT, to a pot that had seaweed on it and you put that there. then you put the chopped up tuna in there, ROLL IT UP, SELL IT!"

taehyun — are you smarter than a fifth grader

i love my mansplaining boyfriend taehyun ❤️

hueningkai — animal crossing/ maybe even dumb ways to die lmao

hey I just think he'd wanna play cute games okay (even though dumb ways to die is NOT a cute game)

[passivenovember]

thinking real hard about Billy and Steve finding each other years after they've settled into themselves.

Billy's gone to therapy and he lives in a little house on the shoreline. Steve makes it to California. Doesn't have the six nuggets, yet. He's working insane hours at a job that isn't very lucrative, but he never had to sell his soul to his old man--

So. Point is. They're happy. Content, almost.

And then they find each other.

--

Steve's burning a pot of water when the phone rings.

It's like a knife through the air. A thorn in his side, pain and annoyance ramping up to an 11 as he yanks the receiver from the wall. "Yeah, now's not a great time," He says, because the goddamn smoke alarm's gonna start wailing any second now, and Steve's neighbor is real trigger-happy when it comes to alerting the fire department. "Look, I'll call you--"

"--Why answer the phone?"

Steve would know Billy's voice anywhere, the rough and tumble drag of someone who used to live fast and hard but doesn't, anymore. "I," Steve says, "I don't--"

"--It's like. Why answer the phone if it's not a good time to talk?"

"I don't like being impolite."

Billy hums, smoke and lightning on the end of the line. "So, you weren't waiting for me to call?"

"No," Steve says. But he was. Has been since high school and all the weird, boring, disheartening years that followed until Billy appeared at the dive bar on Saturday. Like a vision. An angel.

"Damn. And here I was, taking a full 72 hours to figure out what I should say," Billy tells him.

Steve can hear a smile.

Aches to taste it, but-- "That's kinda lame, Hargrove."

"So what?"

"So. You're kinda lame, I guess."

Billy laughs at him, then, high and bright. It shoots confetti into Steve's kitchen, the curling tendrils nearly catching on fire as Steve comes back to himself. He pulls the pan of water and dumps it into the sink, killing the flame on the stove.

"Yeah, I'm a disaster. Maxine tells me all the time," Billy says, "It's just. How weird, y'know?"

"What? You?"

"No, you," Billy tells him, chuckling again. "Fell outta the sky, or something. Into a shitty dive bar."

"So did you--"

"--Fell outta my dreams."

"So did you," Steve says, and his stomach twists. Tumbles. Washing-machine guts still soiled with the bloody red spots of a decade-long crush.

"Huh. You're kinda forward, Harrington."

Steve shrugs, face burning. "Long as I'm not as lame as you are."

"Dude, I didn't say you weren't lame."

"Sure, you didn't."

Billy's next laugh Steve feels in his gut, heat pooling behind the thatch of curly down at his pelvis. "Still such a bitch, pretty boy."

"I'm just being honest. We aren't getting any younger, I'm not really interested in playing it cool, anymore."

Something rustles as Billy shifts his weight, "You were cool, once?"

"Ha-ha."

"I don't wanna play it cool, either," Billy tells him, as serious as a heart attack, "Look, can I be honest? You mind?"

Steve nods and then remembers Billy can't see him. "Go ahead."

"I can't stop thinking about you."

Steve peers through the kitchen window, trying to imagine Billy somewhere on the edge of town with sunlight in his hair. Smoking in bed, naked gold until the duvet pulls him under hips first.

"Harrington, I need to see you again."

"Need is kind of dramatic."

"Maybe I'm feeling dramatic."

"Thought this was honesty hour, Hargrove?"

"It is. Honestly? I wanna kiss you," Billy tells him. "At midnight. In the pouring rain because I was too chicken-shit to do it after our first date."

Steve focuses on not swallowing his tongue. Damn near fails. "Was that a date?"

"No, it was bigger. It was the stars aligning, the start of--"

"--God, you are feeling dramatic."

"When can I see you?"

"I dunno," Steve says, fiddling with the lip of the sink, "When are we expecting rain?"

"Not sure."

Steve can hear his smile. Aches to sink into the softness. "I need a window to commit."

"Tonight. I'll make it rain."

Steve snorts, light as air. "You're crazy."

"I've had ten years to plan for this, Steve."

"Alright, lemme--" Steve pads over to the refrigerator, peering at his Kittens and Firefighters calendar. May is covered in birthdays, vacations, late nights at work, and roll-over plans from April, all hacked into the cardstock in striking red.

Steve groans and flips to June. "--Can you still make it rain in a month?"

"A month," Billy demands, "Fuck. You're hot shit but I didn't think--"

"--I have a full-time job. And friends who want to hang out when I'm not at work, but since I use all my energy at work I cancel on them, and things get moved around and--"

"--You can't make an exception for the guy who wants to eat you out?"

The pages of the calendar flutter, May settling heavy in the room. Steve swallows and his throat clicks. "Uh. My friends--"

"--Aren't gonna eat you out."

"They would. If I asked them to, at least one of them would."

"I'm not really loving that idea, pretty boy," Billy says, teasing. "What about over a lunch break?"

"You want to eat my ass over a lunch break?" Steve snorts, "I'm not a hooker."

"What's wrong with--"

"--I'm not," Steve says, "And even if I was, I'm not cheap. You couldn't afford the hour, and we'd need more than that, anyway."

"What about a sleep over?"

"A sleepover?" Steve says, turning from the refrigerator. "Like, where I come over to your house and stay until the morning?"

"Or I come over to yours, yeah."

"But--"

"Actually, let's do yours. Maxine's place is getting fumigated, so she and Lucas are staying in the guest house."

"You have a guest house?" Steve doesn't remember mention of that during their first date, but. He was distracted.

Billy laughs, "Bet I could afford your hour, pretty boy."

"I thought," Steve says, twirling the phone cord around his hand, "In high school, I remember you telling Becky Gordes that you don't do sleepovers."

"I'm gay."

"Okay, but what about Eddie Munson? The whole school thought you were fucking him, did he ever sleep--"

"--No, my dad would've killed both of us," Billy tells him, and. Something in his voice makes Steve's blood run cold. Makes him believe it.

So he shifts gears, "But. Don't you have work tomorrow?"

"Who said anything about a sleepover tonight," Billy says. Steve imagines the look on his face. Shit-eating grin bright and sharp and beautiful as always. "Unless you want me to come over tonight?"

"I never said that."

"I can work wherever I want. I don't have to go in at all, if I don't want to."

Steve pads over to his junk drawer, digging around for a red pen. "What does Saturday look like for you?" He bites the cap off, holding it like a straw in the curl of his tongue.

Billy laughs, "I thought you said you weren't free until next month?"

Steve chews on the cap for a moment, pen shaking over the cardstock surface of his calendar. He imagines Billy like he was that night. Different but exactly the same. Charming and soft in a way that only comes from the toil of regeneration. Years and years shedding skin.

He'd been funny and smart. Quick wittted.

Sweet. Like cotton fuckin' candy.

Steve remembers not wanting the date to end, not believing that the universe would give him Billy with no strings attached and laying awake that night, hoping Billy would call, and that they'd get their chance, and now--

"Shit. What the fuck am I doing?" Steve asks, but it comes out garbled and messy and wrong. Comes out sounding like, she whale the food ham ding dong.

Billy laughs at him, again, anyway. "What?"

Steve spits the pen cap onto the counter. "You really want to eat me out tonight?"

"Damn--"

"--Because. I was too fucking stupid to realize what was happening between us in high school. Or. What was happening to me when I saw you in high school, and this is important to me," Steve says in a rush. Fuck being subtle, right? "We're not getting any younger. And I haven't slept with anyone for a long time, much less someone who I've wanted for as long as I can remember, so if you're going to come over here and fuck me--"

"Or talk," Billy says gently. "We could talk more. Get to know each other."

Steve listens to the static on the other end of the line.

"I want to get to know you again, Steve," Billy says.

And Steve cracks. Like a bowl in the microwave, curdling under pressure and heat. "Alright, just. Do you have a pen and paper?"

"For what?"

"My address," Steve says, leaning against the sink, "I want to get to know you, too."

"Tonight," Billy asks, digging around for something.

"Tonight," Steve says. "What the hell."

"Great."

"You've got something to write with?"

"Yeah," Billy says, sounding like he's barely holding it together. "Yeah, just. Whenever you're ready."

--

That night, after, just as Steve falls asleep in Billy's arms--

It rains.

[elaemae]

The premium version of human is here to wreck house, mfs.

[Twst x Obey Me!AFAB!reader]

CHP. 6

PREVIOUS CHAPTER: PROLOGUE 5

I get really happy every time one of you guys like, reblog, or comment on my chapters, Thanks guys :3

CW: ANYTIME that MC is referred with male address or pronouns it's going to be color blue. There's also a shit-ton of cursing here.

You can feel your blood pressure ascending into the Celestial Realm (faster than a newly deceased good person) as this Azul Asheng-something mf drags you into his oh-so-fancy "Monstro Lounge" while you're just peacefully trying to fuck off from his dorm.

You were unfortunately curious enough to go poke your head into the mirrors leading to the dorms to see what they've got and use it as inspiration, but then this greasy-ass bitch sadly spotted you and literally hounded you to go in.

You would've socked him in the face for a second time but it turns out that he's a pretty important figure in this school.

You don't really wanna get in trouble for doing that.

(You may be able to do it to Crowley but you don't know if this attempted-bangle-thief has influential parents or something.. Crowley meanwhile, acts pretty parent-less for you.)

You are keeping an eye on him though.

If he tries any bullshit then he's getting his ass kicked.

Social hierarchy be damned.

You didn't rein in 10 demons, 3 angels, The greatest sorcerer in all of humanity and The literal fuckin grim reaper, (who're all constantly dragging you onto bullshit as either an accomplice or the baby-sitter) just for some dude in an Emo-friendly-cut-my-life-into-pieces college to best you.

• • • •

Jade did a double-take.

"..."

He blinked.

Azul is sending him SOS signals by blinking morse code at him.

Jade rubbed his eyes for a few seconds.

"..."

Nope, still the same.

Azul: *Blinking for help intensifies*

...Pft–

He bit his lip to stop his laughter from escaping.

Who would've thought that he'll see a day where his precious housewarden is having his face passive-aggresively squished and kneaded by a new student? And also, probably getting himself threatened based on the eerie smile on the students' face.

Azul should be grateful that floyd isn't here, lest he'll have two people on his hands that are more than happy to squish him around. He should be grateful there isn't anyone else around, really.. Lest the reputation he took so long to build crumbles.

Oh he can just imagine it at the top of his head.. The poor octo-mer will probably combust from embarrassment and maybe even go find himself an octo-pot that he can shimmy himself into.. oh how he misses those days...

(Elae: I'm just imagining baby Azul shimmying into a lil pot.. Ugh, so adorable I'm getting cute aggression.)

He does eventually step in to stop the student from treating Azul's face like a squishy piece of dough He took a couple of pictures ofc. he ain't an amateur, but not before almost getting his own face fall victim to the new students' hands.

• • • •

"You try this shit again and see what happens." You smiled at him as you squished his face.

He's still holding onto your wrists but he seems to have given up from escaping your passive-aggresive face massage. Instead, he seems to have settled in blinking so fast he can almost fly with his eyelashes.

This bitch really had the audacity to try and get you to sell your jewelry to him in exchange for a room in his frankly unimpressive dorm. (You have more than a dozen rich and powerful simps. A dorm in a college ain't gonna be enough to impress you anymore.)

"— I know that you must not have any money to pay but maybe we can compromise, it's gonna be hard for you and your friend (Yuu) to keep staying in the infirmary after all.."

"We can manage—"

"And my benevolence will not allow me to let some poor unfortunate souls be without accommodations... So what if, for a week of stay each, you give me your jewelry in retur—"

You got so pissed at the audacity that you almost strangled him but changed your tactic into a hateful squeezing the last second. (You can't be reported for physically violent behavior rn.)

He speaks as if the entirety of this college and its dorms can actually be worth even a single piece of the ring in your left hand.

But seriously? 15,000 madols (that's the price Azul told you) for one night of stay?? If you're gonna be paying that much money for a single room, then that room better solve all your problems, fulfill your greatest ambitions and then suck your imaginary dick afterwards.

Your annoyed musings were cut off when a hand tries to remove your grip from Azul's face.

You absent-mindedly reach your other hand, trying to deliver another kneading to a new victim.

• • • • •

Azul covers his face with his hand, embarrassed of how the situation played out.

It doesn't help that Floyd is cackling like a deranged maniac at him right now.

Thank goodness they're in his office.

"Can you stOp?!"

Poor bbg was so embarrassed his voice cracked :<

Hmph.

Jokes on you, even if he got embarrassed today he still got closer to your jewelry.

And now, he can 100% confirm that those ornaments aren't just for decorations.

The strong magic from your rings that were pressed against his face confirmed it.

Those things are definitely custom-made magical artifacts of the highest caliber.

Now.. How to get them...

• • • • •

You stopped walking, feeling someone's gaze on you.

Looking around discreetly, you didn't see anyone but you can still feel the eyes on your form.

Yeah no.

You continue on, ignoring the feeling of being watched, but not going to dark places or spots where you'll be all alone.

Time to check in on Yuu and their unwilling gang of window cleaners.

See if they're done already.

The sun is starting to go down, after all.

• • • • •

Mc... We're going to come find you.

Don't worry..

Please stay safe..

Please don't forget that we love you more than anything else in existence..

0u® |!gHt įN tH€ d@RkN€§$

�� Pr. 5 | Chapter List | Pr. 7 →

EDIT: WTF WHY DID THIS CHAPTER GET POSTED?! I SAVED IT IN THE GODDAMN DRAFTS THIS AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DONE YET WHAT THE HELL?!

Oh welp, ain't nothing I can do about it now..

Thanks for reading this far, readers☺️

Reblog or I'll bite ya ankles😈

@f0uerleafedcl0ver

@leviathans-tail-scales

@a-traveling-void-human

@xingyunny

@caprinaesprout (should I put you in the permanent tag list for this series?)

Tagging isn't working for some reason so I can't tag some of y'all. The usernames I tagged just fuckin disappearing.

Tumblr is messing with me rn.

You wanna throw hands, Tumblr??

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

One freebie

Yapping and the thud of luggage sent Wade hurtling over the sofa to the door, startling both Logan and Althea out of the pleasant haze they'd fallen into watching Golden Girls.

"She's home, she's home, she's home!" he chanted, flinging the door open as he scooped up the dog. "My babies are home," he said, flinging your suitcase out of the way and pulling you into a kiss that made your head swim."

"Hello to you too," you tell him, thudding your head against his chest. "We would have been here sooner but Traffic was-"

Logan cut off your complaint with a hello kiss of his own and stroked your back. You smelled all wrong. Too antiseptic. No trace of him. No trace of Wade. Too much like hospital even after you'd showered and changed clothing. But you were here and that was reassuring. You looked a little wilted but no worse for wear. Nothing some food and something cold to drink wouldn't cure. "Feel okay, Princess?"

"Fine," you tell them smiling. "Just a long drive. Stopped off at home to see the family on the way back. The kids say hi."

"And mummy dearest?" Wade asked.

"It's a big job being the family black sheep but," you shrug, "someone has to be the cautionary tale."

"That's the spirit," Logan said, letting go of you and picking up your suitcase to take it to the bedroom for you.

"Cautionary tale my taint," Al put in, "Fuckin' living cinnamon roll. Only fucked up thing you ever did is get railed by these two-"

"That you know of," you tell her mildly, kissing Wade's cheek and giving Mary a pat before going to get a cold drink. "Remember. No one ever expects the good kids to cause trouble."

"I liked selling pot to the good girls," Wade said, making Logan roll his eyes.

"Of fucking course you did," Logan snorted, idly wondering where you fell on the spectrum of good bad girl. Probably NOTHING like Wade's mess. But definitely enough to make your wanna be blue blood family just BESIDE themselves. He watches you add vanilla and rum to a coke and quirked an eyebrow. It was unusual for you to drink. Something definitely wasn't being said.

"And that's why you always got busted. You never sell to the good kids. It's never 'But daddy I love him!' when the cops show up." you tell him patting him on the chest.

[napakmahal]

Moving in with Tadashi blurb

“God where did all this crap come from?” Tadashi dropped a cardboard box with shoes written on the side in black sharpie. “Seriously, I shared a room and your old place wasn’t that big.”

You scoffed looking around at all the boxes with just his name on them. “It’s all your crap. I could sell all your tech shit and we could buy ourselves a small house.”

Moving into your new apartment was scary, tiring, but so exciting. It would be Tadashi’s first time living somewhere he couldn’t just look over and see his little brother sleeping there. It would suck and he and Hiro had a pretty long conversation about how he wouldn’t be around as much anymore. Hiro swore he would be happy he got his own bathroom but he was genuinely sad to see his big brother go. You decided that the pull out in your very small living room was designated just for Hiro to come visit.

“Ha-ha,” He laughed sarcastically. “But at least we got all the boxes up here.”

You breathed out and grabbed one of the bright orange box cutters. “I know, I think I just lost five pounds. We cannot do this ever again, like I’m so tired. Can we just stay here forever?”

“This place is the size of my old bedroom. We cannot stay here.” Tadashi joked and started unloading the boxes of kitchen supplies. When you announced you’d be moving in Cass gifted you two a blender, toaster, pans, pots, plates, cups and lots of silverware. “Besides this is just one stop before we get our house.”

“A house? Damn Hamada, we should’ve started saving last year.” You looked back at him as you unpacked some wall frames. “Seriously, I don’t know how Cass does it. The rent on that place has to be in the thousands.”

You laughed together and picked out a few more things. In one of the boxes was an air mattress GoGo gifted you when she moved in with Honey. So you’d sleep on that until the mattress you ordered showed up.

So you divided and conquered. You went for the kitchen and dragged your new kitchen supplies behind you to wash and put away. A few hours past when Tadashi came jogging out of your new room sweating and out of breath.

“I did it, I finished the bedroom.” His breathing was weirdly rapid.

You pointed at him. “Why are you so out of breath?”

“The pump stopped working mid-way and I had to blow up the mattress manually.” He took a sip out of his water bottle.

“Oh my god,” you laughed still washing the new appliances. “Sit down, just relax.”

He did, for a while as you just washed the dishes. The whole thing was so mundane. Was life going to be like this all the time? You weren’t married but what if this what it was like?

Suddenly, as you were drying them you felt to arms snake around your shoulders. Tadashi dug his nose into the side of your neck.

“Hi.” You said sweetly.

He replied, muffled, “hi.”

“What’s up?” You asked.

He sighed and pressed kisses to the side of your neck. “I miss my family.”

“Aww, baby. They’re not very far, it’s like a 30 minute drive. And next week we’re having the over for dinner.” You dropped the towel and turned around.

Tadashi’s dug his head into your chest. “I know, but it’s so quiet without them.”

Your voice was quiet and you started petting his head with your fingertips. “Hiro’s at school right now. You wanna call him over?”

“No, not today.”

[razorblade180]

Potion Practice

Bonus to this <-

Amber:Aether! Pfft, Nice outfit.

Aether:*in Lisa’s clothes* They’re helping me make better potions. This has been a little hard. *stirs pot*

Amber:Oh yeah? Alchemy does seem complicated. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.

Aether:Did you want me to make something or stare at the slit in this outfit.

Amber:I just can’t believe she had one in your size. What’s the likelihood you’d mess up if I held your waist?

Aether:Fairly high.

Amber:Then I will settle for a vigor and stamina potion that’s good for long patrols. Lightly I’ve been pulling expedition alongside my normal routine while other knights are training new recruits.

Aether:Did Ellin and Noelle pass?

Amber:Not yet unfortunately.

Aether:One day. Welp…I could attempt a potion for you.

Amber:You’ll do great! I heard business was fine.

Aether:Last time I messed with vigor and stamina I made an aphrodisiac.

Amber:…

Aether:That was my expression when Lisa told me. Thankfully, she took Sumeru Rose stems away.

Amber:Why were they there in the first place if-

Aether:Because Lisa is chaos. *adds three Rainbow Rose leaves* Now let’s add some Asters and…done.

Potion turns red

Aether:Well it isn’t pink this time, so that’s good. Although maybe I should dip it first?

Amber:No it’s fine. I trust your skills. Besides, it would be bad it something made you have to shut down the shop.

Aether:You have work though.

Amber:Worst case scenario, Kaeya fills in for me after taking care of his nonexistent Calvary. *sips potion*

…….

Aether:Thoughts?

Amber:Taste good. My sinuses are open, like a rush of fresh mint. Guess it works for vigor! Coffee wasn’t really doing it anymore.

Aether:That’s awesome! Glad I can help.

Amber:When is your next break by the way? I’m sure you’re allowed lunch soon?

Aether:All the other potions have been properly prepared and stocked. We can catch up now. Just let me change.

Amber:You’re not walking into town like this?

Aether:I’m not wearing these heels longer than I feel necessary.

Amber:That’s fair. I’m glad I caught you when I did then. Hehe, especially cause this is definitely another type of love potion.

Aether:…Come again?

Amber:This potion. Definitely an aphrodisiac.

Aether:Please say sike.

Amber:*fans face* I wanna, however…

Aether:There’s no fuckin way- *grabs potion book*….. Lisa!!

The witch casually walks over. She doesn’t even need to be asked for her to smell the brew.

Lisa:Ah you used the Rainbow Rose leaves raw. That’s pretty overwhelming at times unless you only add two or ground them up for extract. This is pretty low grade so just add chill water before selling it. *leaves*

Aether:Why the hell is the line between vigor and horny one leaf? Amber, how exactly are you feeling?

Amber:I’ve never had an aphrodisiac before so on a scale from one to ten… I’m sitting at a six. Maybe a six and an half?

Aether:Hold on. I’ve gotten good at stabilizers for obvious reasons. Give me five minutes.

Amber:….Or, I can get our lunch to go and meet you at my place? You need a place to change anyway.

Aether:…

Amber:… *sips potion*

Aether:Paimon!

Paimon:*counting mora* The shop is in good hands! Just come back with snacks!

Amber:Consider it done! *takes Aether’s hand*

Aether: I don’t know how to feel about being on the menu while in this.

Amber:Consider it dessert.

Aether:There’s no way Lisa said that stuff was low grade.

Lisa:*in the distance* I can show you high grade!

Aether:Please don’t!

[justalittlesolarpunk]

hello! I've just found your blog and that's AMAZING, but I have a question: what do you think about industrial food? it's super low quality, and furthermore, they produce a lot of trash as plastic (unnecessary) packaging! It would be easier just to say "starting eating organic food", but for poor people, buying grapes or apples, even not organic, costs more than buying cookies full of fat, sodium and carbohydrates (not talking about all the chemicals). I personally, think about non conventional food plants as an alternative since most of them are super resistant to weather changes and easy to rise. I wanna know what you think about

Hi! Thanks for getting in touch. The long and short of it is, I hate industrialised farming. It pollutes the air, soil and water, poisons and impoverishes farmers, increases the likelihood of zoonotic pandemics, reduces the genetic diversity of plants and encroaches upon wildlife territories. We need a massive return to local, small-scale regenerative agriculture if we are to feed everyone and equitably share the earth with other species. But you’re right, it has to be done in a way that’s just and fair for people who can currently only afford plasticked, pesticided and processed food, as well as making a living for farmers. We’re all on the same side here, but people often don’t realise that. I also think we need to massively diversify our food plant range - a system that relies on just a few staple crops is insanely vulnerable, especially with more and more extreme weather coming our way. So many plants I was raised to think of as ‘weeds�� are not only edible but highly nutritious and often medicinal. Where are the dandelion farmers? The mycologists selling turkey tails? And foraging should be taught in all schools so kids can feed themselves in the wild and pass these skills on to future generations. As with most climate solutions, I don’t think it’s an either/or - I’d welcome pretty much any solution as part of a wider melting pot of alternatives. The only thing I won’t budge on is that we have to change, because the way we in the North and West farm right now just isn’t sustainable.

[jo-the-nerd]

ALSO SPEAKING AS SOMEBODY WHO ONLY KNOWS THE BARE MINIMUM OF GOOD OMENS AND THE INEFFABLE HUSBANDS i just wanna say im pretty sure bg3 has their equivalent in bloodweave (gale [the one played by tim downie] + astarion)

my defense:

autistic book nerd and king who has the Audacity to fight God + chaotic theater gay that gives cat vibes and may need Therapy

aziraphale and gale sound like the type that would have solidarity in old man knees . idek if thats canon for aziraphale but it sure as hell is for gale

aziraphale and gale rhyme holy shit thats becoming a legitimate bullet point AJSJSJSJA

the book nerds live in their own private library . gale has a whole ass wizards tower while aziraphale has his book shop (that iirc he doesnt even sell the books in it ???)

crowley and astarion are the same fruit men . i also dont know how to explain that crowley just gives me 8 strength vibes as well . even if he was an angel you cant tell me this man can lift more than three books at once

"fuck the gods that did nothing for us. what if we chose each other" vibes from the both of them (idc what the other endings for gale are hes denouncing mystra in my canon bc i say so <33)

is aziraphale the type to have a cat . he seems so . how about a cat w wings (<-a tressym) . theyd absolutely bond over that

if you replaced the cutscenes of astarions little hissy fits w crowley i think itd honestly still be pretty in character

if i manage to pirate good omens one of these days i will be confirming if my hypothesis is correct <33

Ooooh now we're talking :)))))) I'll try to be brief (< lying)

yup that's them.

'may need therapy' we all know they do, the 'may' is only there bc they either won't admit it (Aziraphale & Gale) or would have to get dragged kicking & screaming before ultimately weaseling their way out of it looney tunes style (Crowley & Astarion)

Aziraphale is an old man in all aspects except one (biologically), however Crowley is the same age and he would definitely have old man knees. he doesn't know what to do with his joints half of the time due to being snek

yeah there are no books being sold in that bookshop fgfjkfggnv. like, it's all first editions and what-not so i totally get not wanting to give any away but then why open a shop??? instead of a collection???

yk what, fair enough. Crowley is a noodle, those arms aren't doing much more opening doors for his angel. tbf he can lift multiple potted plants at once but that's more spite than anything

i could also totally see Astarion doing the Crowley Walk(TM)

"fuck the gods that did nothing for us. what if we chose each other vibes" so true, no notes.

aziraphale doesn't have a pet (yet) but I think he would love a cat (I mean, he's got Crowley hanging around, basically the same). A tressym is just a very peculiar step up from that (consider: it has it's own wings to match him and Crowley, which is really adorable!!)

crowley's hissy fits are great and can likewise be replaced with Astarion's.

similiar additions which would probably still be in character:

C slammed Aziraphale into a wall for calling him nice

C went out into the middle of the street when he got really frustrated/anxious and exploded lightning from his body

C agreed to take care of the bookshop, not selling any books etc. but tossed any books he was holding into some corner whenever

both of them evaded the immediate ire of their higher ups by pointing out a technicality that amounted to 'this word is explained to be different from the one you're using, but through a miniscule footnote on the last page of this giagantic book'

Aziraphale has an incredible hard time overcoming the trauma and toxic mindset upheld by his superiors, including how he views himself and his partner (that one's just sad, sry)

Solid ground for a hypothesis I'd say :))

[prxtze-l]

Ophelia lived alone in the woods where no one paid her any mind. Camelot was a pretty big kingdom so no one ever thought about anyone living outside of it.

She lived her life peacefully in her small cottage and her garden, only going out twice a week to sell her herbs and plants to the people in the kingdom and going to the market for supplies.

That was until she earned the curiosity of a certain blond prince.

WC: 1.8k

Previous | Next Chapter

˚ ༘ .˚🌱୭ ˚. ᵎᵎ

It's been a year since Ophelia ran away from the orphanage and found the cottage, by now she already fixed and redecorated everything. She woke up to the sun shining through her window, yawning she got up from her bed and walked to her kitchen. It was a bit cold since she only had her nightgown on from the night before but she was used to the chilly morning.

She began cooking breakfast for herself. It was just a simple plate of pancakes. But before she could dig in, she heard scratching from her door and rushed to open it. Ophelia opened the door to a fluffy white cat.

"Good morning, Heinz," she greeted the white cat. The cat, Heinz, just meowed at her back and entered the house. She always assumed he was a stray from the lack of a collar and how he was always dirty whenever she saw it every morning.  She always wondered where he'd run off to every afternoon only to come back the next day.

She once tried giving him a bath but that didn't end well. Let's just say there were a lot of torn curtains and water splashed everywhere.

Ophelia shrugged off her thoughts and closed the door. She opened the cupboards above her kitchen counter to fetch Heinz his meal. She brought him food so everytime he visited her he'd have something to eat. Grabbing a spare bowl from her dish rack, she poured the tuna in. "Here's your meal Heinz," she called out to the cat.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

After eating her meal she took a quick bath in the springs near her cottage and changed out of her nightgown. Ophelia now wore a brown dress, a black cloak, and black boots.

On her way out, she took a basket that was filled with seedlings she grew. She was about to leave until Heinz ran at her before she could close the door. "You wanna come with me today Heinz?" she asked the cat, even if she knew he couldn't answer her back.

She walked a few feet away from the cottage before turning back, she placed the basket down next to a waiting Heinz. Ophelia held out her hands akin to a music conductor and the ground suddenly trembled, plants from all around rapidly grew in sync, vines dancing and curling around the cottage enough to obscure it from anyone who wandered near.

Ophelia dropped her hands back to her sides when the cottage was fully covered. "That should do it," she picked up the basket from the ground and Heinz, who climbed up to her shoulder. She bunched up her dress and cloak and began to walk out of the forest.

She stopped at a stone wall that blocked her path. "Well that won't do. Right Heinz?" she asked rhetorically but the cat meowed back. Without a second later a branch from a nearby tree grew towards their direction. She hopped on and the branch began to lift them over the wall.

"Thank you, mister tree!" she exclaimed as they stepped off the branch, now over the wall. She waved away the tree branch as it retreated back to the forest.

Ophelia looked around the alley they landed in to make sure the coast was clear. After confirming that it was safe she began to head to the town's market. "Do you want anything before we set up the stand, Heinz?" she looked at the cat that was still perched on her shoulder.

The cat only looked at her and meowed. Nodding as if she understood him she continued on her way to the market.

She snuck through the dark walkways towards her small stand. The market wasn't that busy yet as it was still early in the morning. Ophelia took off her cloak and started to clean the small stand and set up a few pots. She took out the seeds from her basket and began planting them in each of the pots. Growing them as she did so.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

An hour later and she finally finished setting up her stand. By the time she finished, the market was starting to bustle. During her preparations Heinz wandered off to who knows where. She patiently waited until the nice elderly lady from a nearby stand approached her.

"Good morning, dearie!" the old woman greeted her. "Good morning, ma'am!" Ophelia greeted back. "Are you going to buy another plant?" she asked the woman. The old woman always went to her stand whenever it was open and always bought something. Ophelia wouldn't be surprised if her backyard was already filled to the brim with plants growing everywhere.

"You already know it! Anything new you decided to grow this week?" the woman inquired. "I have this new plant I decided to experiment with. It's called a Bougainvillea. It grows in different colors!" she told the old woman.

The old woman awed at the plant. "Well I'll take it!" she cheered. Ophelia taught the woman about everything she needed to know to grow the flower as she sold it.

"Have a good day, dear!" the woman shouted to her when she walked away. Ophelia waved at her as a response.

The day went as usual, people buying her plants from time to time and talking to her. She was well known around the town's market but no one ever knew what her name was. They just referred to her as the beautiful young lady who sold plants in the town's market.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Hours later, the sun was beginning to set. Houses and market stalls lit up their areas with lamps. All except Ophelia who began to close her stand. She removed the remaining plants from their pots and turned them back to seedlings. She moved them to small bags with dirt and replanted them.

Once she was done, she gathered all the remaining seedlings and put them at the front of her stall. She left them there for anyone who wanted to take them. She had enough to spare so she couldn't really care.

As she was leaving she met up with Heinz. They walked through the busy streets of the market blending into the crowd.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Somewhere else in the kingdom a certain blond prince snuck out of his bedroom window and into the bustling market that was already lit full of lamps. He wasn't allowed to leave his room after being grounded.

Apparently you weren't supposed to wander away from the knights when they were patrolling, especially when they're guarding you, the prince of the whole kingdom.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Earlier that day, Tedros was exiting the palace grounds with the knights that were patrolling around the kingdom. Bidding his father farewell, he followed the knights on their horses to the different places around the kingdom.

Around a few hours in, he saw something that caught his eye. The knights he decided to follow were posted by the market. He was advised by his father to observe the knights, saying it was important for him to know the state of the kingdom.

Tedros looked at the busy knights patrolling around the market and walked towards the area where people were surrounding. He couldn't see what they were so excited about but by the sound of the people pushing each other he could tell it was interesting.

He almost couldn't hear anything from the mixed voices until a soft voice cut through the crowd. "Everyone please calm down, there are plenty of plants for all of you," at the sound everyone suddenly calmed down. To anyone else they would've assumed it was the voice that calmed them down but to Tedros he saw how a plant in particular started to waft it's scent through the crowd.

'That's unusual...' Tedros thought to himself.

The crowd calmed down enough that he could finally see where the soft voice came from. It was a girl, probably the same age as him. She looked beautiful. His breath got caught in his throat. He felt his face grow hot.

She looked so kind. He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't realize he was the only one left of the originally small crown and the beautiful girl he was admiring was trying to talk to him.

"..ello? Sir? Would you like to buy anything from my plants?" He snapped out of his thoughts when he saw the beautiful girl staring at him waiting patiently for him to say anything.

Once he realized his embarrassment he sputtered over his words. "Uh– uhm..." He couldn't muster up anything to say.

"I'm assuming you're new to my stall. Would you like a recommendation?" The girl patiently asked him.

"Y-yes..!" Tedros internally face palm himself of making a fool of himself again.

The girl chuckled. "You're weird but in a good way," she told him. Tedros wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him at that moment.

"Since you're new to this whole thing, I would recommend a snake plant. They'll thrive in any light condition but you'll have to take care of it," she took the small snake plant that was growing from a small pot. "But it is a bit pricy though," she worried.

"That's fine! How much is it?" Tedros didn't really care about the plant. He just wanted to talk to the girl as long as possible. He got out the pouch filled with gold coins from his back pocket.

He took some out, "will this be enough?"

The girl looked at him baffled. "That's more than enough! But I don't think I have any change for that amount..." she looked at him worriedly.

"It's okay. You can keep the change," Tedros replied enthusiastically. He always made girls swoon with his status. Surely this would woo her.

"But–" she started only for her to feel him take her hand and giving her the gold coins. "Take it," he said genuinely.

"If you say so... Would you like me to put this in a bag?" She accepted the coins and went under the desk to get a bag.

"That would be pretty girl– I mean– pretty good! Pretty good," Tedros caught himself from making a fool of himself again.

Once she finished bagging the plant she handed it to Tedros. He took it from her and was about to thank her, when the knights approached the stand.

"Your Majesty!"

He turned to them but looked back at the stall. The girl was nowhere to be seen. "Huh? Miss?" He called out but didn't receive a reply.

Before Tedros could start to find her the knights arrived. "Your Majesty, you are not supposed to leave the knights' side," the knight that seemed to lead the others scolded him. 

Without getting another word out he was escorted back to the castle, still holding on to the bag fearing he'd accidentally drop it.

Outfits:

⤷ nightgown

⤷ cloak

⤷ boots

⤷ dress

A/N: Hope you liked the first prologue chapter!

[buf309]

I showed my bro your MTNN art since we used to watch & read it years ago. I also told them you were into Sxf which resulted in the following ideas for a crossover between the two:

- Ver 1: Yako is an exchange student attending Eden.

- Ver 2: Yako is an established P.I. & is hired to find out who Twilight is.

- Neuro knows the Forgers are a fake family but he enjoys them for the entertainment value.

- Neuro messes with Loid for fun.

- Yako's mom & Yor become friends & swap "recipes".

- Neuro encourages this much to everyone's horror.

- Neuro calls Anya 'Hatchling' & is surprisingly good with children.

- He also tosses her out the window to see if Yor or Loid would catch her first.

- Neuro finds out about Anya's abilities while Anya finds out Neuro is a demon due to said powers. Unspeakable chaos follows.

Thank you for your patience @monsoonceroom, I kinda forgot about this ask for a while haha 😅 I have a whole crossover storyline planned, but I don't know if I could draw it or not, since my hands are full at least until the end of next year (my WIP list is one meter long folks |||OTZ )

Anyway, I can give you the summary of what I've cooked up (in my head) with this MTNN x SxF crossover:

Our spyboy Twilight was tasked to retrieve a weird radioactive artifact before it could be sell on the black market. Turned out, that thing was one of the 777 Demon Tools (how it was there is not important, 'coz I dunno 🤡) When Twilight touched that thing, it zapped him into the MTNN world.

... right into a middle of somewhere which looked like a demonic ritual in a cult, what with those big pots on open fire and those questionable globs inside.

Neuro whooshed down from the ceiling like he always did and gave our spyboy a heart attack.

After a bit of ruckus (some gun-shootings and some bullet-catchings), they decide to sit down and talk things out. Neuro recognized that stray tool as one of the scouts that he sent out to search for a way back after the timeskip at the end of MTNN manga. Twilight obviously wanted to go back to his world, but Neuro said he didn't wanna because he had no energy to activate such tool.

Spyboy pointed to the horror fest in the background and asked if that was Neuro's next meal. The demon just blankface told him that was for Yako, to celebrate (troll) her latest heartbreak (arresting another creepy stalker by kicking that guy in the face then giving him a mind-breaking talk until he cried his way to the police station.)

Then, an explanation about puzzle this and that:

Neuro did that abstract demonic thingie of his and pointed out that Twilight had a hint of a puzzle on him but it had not ripen yet, and that was the only reason Twilight was still here, in Neuro's office/territory.

Yako arrived at that exact moment and managed to smooth things out. They knew this man as some kinds of secret agent, and he knew them was working as a private detective duo, weird choice for work occupation, but not like they could judge him.

Twilight was surprised that the demon's partner was a young girl Yuri's age. When he asked her about the horror cookings, she was exasperating but confirmed with him that yes, that was normal for her, and yes, she could really eat all those just fine, no problem. Yako asked him to wait a bit for her to search for a small puzzle, so Neuro could send him back asap, because she was worrying about possible dimension paradox etc. etc.

Her earnest reminded Twilight of his girls and her iron stomach of Yuri, he offered to cook her a proper meal in exchange.

So, they went out to search for Neuro's puzzle, Yako's grogery, and Twilight got an eye-opening tour about a world where peace was archived.

After making a personal all-you-can-eat buffet for one, the demon detective duo sent Twilight back to his home as promised. Neuro gave him another scout tool to keep for emergency, because he didn't want to lose track of such a possible great puzzle meal. Twilight was just confused about this bizzare day of his and wondered what he should tell in his report to Handler.

Jump ahead to the future, the detective duo were bored out of their mind in a slow day, when there was suddenly a big explosion in the middle of their office. They found their strange agent curling up over a big white dog and a small girl, and a black-hair woman hovering over him in a protective pose. They were all heavily injured.

The woman snarled something at them, but Yako could only understand a few words, warning them to back off she guessed. The agent looked around in surprise, he struggled to loose the little girl's vice grip on his clothes, gave her to the woman, and turned to face the duo.

The puzzle had ripen, giving off such a rich and complex sense of emotional anguish that made Neuro drool in hunger. If he ate this puzzle, he could sustain his energy for a long while, like the that time he ate that HAL guy's puzzle. Hearing this, the agent calmly told Neuro that he would hand over the "puzzle", in exchange, he wanted them to help his family, give them treatment and shelter until they could heal and get out of their hair.

Neuro told him bluntly that with his injured state, the energy drain might kill him afterward. The agent looked back at those behind him, then nodded, agreed to the risk.

The woman pulled the agent back by his collar and shouted something at him. They argued in a foreign language that Yako couldn't understand but she could guess the gist of it. Yako and the other woman might not speak each other's tongue, but they both had the same sense for when the men in their life about to pull something stupid. It seemed to be universal.

Yako poked the demon in the arm, silently told him to behave with her eyes. Neuro gave her his "deeply displeased face(TM)", when she wouldn't back down, he shrugged and relented. He just had to be more careful and stop before he drained everything then, a child play.

They just let their guests getting out all of their grievance with each other first before telling them the good news. The detective office seemed to gain a new source of entertaiment in their near future.

...

The end, I guess?

This crossover makes more sense in the POV of the MTNN cast than the SxF cast. I can honestly think of nothing else to add to balance them more evenly 🤷‍♀️

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM STEP BROTHERS *  assorted dialogue from the 2008 film

this house is a fucking prison!

we're in the bathroom!

i don't believe in belts.

it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.

i'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you.

this wedding is horse shit.

you guys have an outstanding track record.

i was faking. i used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.

i smoked pot with johnny hopkins.

you're not gonna come down and say hi to me?

i thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce.

i want you out of my fucking house!

i just want you to know i hate you.

oh stop it!

i dont have to swear to shit!

you must feel just terrible.

i owe you an apology.

you gotta keep an eye on it.

you take that back.

we do it because we love you.

hey, can i ask you something?

this is my house now.

what do we do now?

you're failures!

i wasn't fired from my job. i was laid off.

whoa, calm down, man. i'm just joking.

you know what? i still hate you.

you were dead. i saw you die.

sweet jesus! i love korean food!

maybe someday we could become friends.

do you wanna do karate in the garage?

we could hug.

i didn't want the salmon! i said four times!

it sounds a lot like the plot of good will hunting.

how old were you when they got divorced?

why are you so sweaty?

this is what i live with!

this is just like cold case files!

get out of my face, or i'm gonna roundhouse your ass.

was that a fart?

in no way, shape, or form do i feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.

what if i were to tell you i could sell this house for 30% above market?

oh, i'm exhausted.

well that's fine.

i always wanted to be a dinosaur.

i can taste it on my tongue.

we're here to fuck shit up!

on the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur.

i swear, i'm so pissed off at my mom.

i remember my first beer.

we can bicker about this all night, but what's done is done.

i would follow you into the mists of avalon.

shut the fuck up!

you're alive! oh my god!

my little brother is even a bigger asshole than you are.

i'm just saying, you need to think about your options.

i'm not gonna call him dad.

did you touch my drum set?

he had the craziest look in his eyes.

you have the voice of an angel.

believe me, i've told him that.

hey, you're embarrassing yourself!

do you want to talk about some of those feelings?

we like to shit with the door open.

guess what? i hate you too.

now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.

you better not go to sleep, 'cause as soon as your eyes shut, i'm gonna punch you square in the face.

stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.

hey, you awake?

are you fucking crazy, man?

you're not feeling this?

i tea-bagged your drumset.

i know you two are technically married.

i'm not going to! ever!

my best friend is ben affleck.

look, i didn't touch your drum set.

okay, i'll be honest with you. i did fart.

you know what's good for shoulder pain?

we're putting the house on the market.

don't even think about it.

what's your problem?

i would've done the exact same thing.

did we just become best friends?

i feel like i'm smarter than most of the people who go there.

you and your mom are hillbillies.

it stinks. and this is a small room.

obviously... you don't know me.

my penis is tingling right now.

we make our own beef jerky.

you better not get in my face.

where are we moving?

ready? one, two, three.

i think it's time for a change. for both of us.

your voice is like a combination of fergie and jesus.

i know that we started out as foe.

i've seen him do it.

this house sucks ass.

the clown has no penis.

we are living the dream.

i'm just thinking about our life together.

what kind of dreams are you having?

shut up!

it was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him.

i hope you stay still when you sleep, 'cause i'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs.

why do you have randy jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?

you leave me money for pizza?

well what about us?

we literally have never done any of those things.

what's this all about?

shut your mouth!

what the fuck happened?

[raineydaysghoul]

DC characters as things I've heard at school

Wally: why Dick

Dick who shaved his head: because I can

Dick: I was gonna shave my eyebrows to look like Mr. Clean

Wally distraught sounds:

------

Oliver: what kind of shoes does Optimus prime wear

Roy: I don't know

Oliver: vans

-------

Hal: your mom

Burce: my mom's dead but thanks

Bruce: she's in a jar so we could bring her to school

-------

Diana: have a good day. Don't get pregnant!

-------

Jervis to 1 of the robins: ya ever hear about shrooms?

-------

Assignment on mental disability

Two-face to Harvey: look it's about us!!

-------

Hal: John was in the Marines but we don't hold that against him

-------

Tim: Frankenstein's monster is hot

Bart: idk that's kinda subjective

Tim: IT IS STATED IN THE BOOK!! HE IS ATTRACTIVE!!!

Kon: I kinda agree with Bart that's pretty subjective

-------

Constantine: can you imagine telling your partner you have herpes

Constantine singing: I-have-herpes. Please-don't-leave-me.

-------

Booster about Ted: he's thick. He's a big boi

-------

Talking about school house rock live

Hal to Barry: I wanna melt your pot

-------

Tim: I would sell my anal virginity for a candbar

--------

Hal to Barry and Oliver: Wanna have a threesome

Oliver: Hell no!!

Oliver: It's gots to be a foursome. There has to be a girl

--------

Tora to the rest of the JLI about Bea: just because she's a immigrant doesn't mean she's Hispanic

--------

Booster talking about Of Mice and Men: can you blame her. George is fine af

[dolphindive85]

We Need a Girl Chapter 5- the photo shoot

Chapter 5

Hannah could tell from Marcus’s particularly pearly whites today that he was pleased with her. She reflected a little bemusedly on the more solemn and occasionally downright scolding meetings she’d had with him before. Meetings where he’d chastised her for flipping off pervy event reps, or where it had got back to him through some little snitch that she’d point blank refused to strip naked and take polaroids with a camera man who she was supposedly meeting with to discuss an EP front cover. There had been one particularly tricky meeting where Hannah really thought Marcus was going to drop her for good. Hannah knew her temper was always a boiling pot with a shaky lid, and Marcus had warned her that another “fuck-you fest” with someone they were trying to schmooze really would be it. Luckily, he had told her, there was just too much of a gap in the market for a “song writer with pin up potential” for him to give up on her yet. She supposed she should be grateful for this, but since that comment she’d had a terrible feeling it was a matter of time before Marcus tried to get her to dress up as a sexy 50s sailor and salute the camera or something equally fucking dreadful. He reminded her a little of a shark when he smiled like this: so wide, so many teeth.

“Hannah, it sounds like you’ve been really excelling. Jeff’s been so pleased with how you’re working the camera, says you’re a natural. There’s great chemistry on set, it’s really going to draw new eyeballs to the show they hope.” 

Marcus was a businessman, and he knew he didn’t need to tell Hannah which eyeballs she was being counted on to draw. Hell, it didn’t even matter. A view was a view, and views meant more advertising, and more money. 

“Right, great. That’s great news. They want me to do more?”

Marcus shifted slightly. “Yes. The conversation around exactly what that looks like is still ongoing. But yes!” He was still treading carefully. Surely Hannah couldn’t be naive enough to think that a masculine-targeted show like this one didn’t need their female cast member to have a certain appeal. But then she’d been incredibly oblivious to opportunities in the past. Marcus felt assured that Hannah would quickly see that this was a chance too good to miss, and compromise was always part of chances in entertainment. He’d compromised keeping such a fucking liability on his books, because he knew that, with the right light and a small enough t-shirt, he could sell what Hannah had to offer.

Oblivious to the machinations of the deal, Hannah smiled at the promise of more time in the show. She did like being part of the Jackass group. They had all been nice to her. SteveO and her had been friends for a long time, and hanging out with him more was a lot of fun, if you liked bruises and weed, which, luckily, she always had. Her skating had improved loads with the help of the group. Even Bam, who she’d been tempted to write off as a spoiled big mouth after the night in the bar, had held her hands and coached her across skate ramps, long sleeves flapping and laughing like a little boy. She trusted them. It felt good to be a little kid with them, all scraped knees and giggling. Running away from grown ups and trying to find the next funniest possible thing to do. 

And Johnny. Her whole body lit up when he was on set. He was so polite to her it was almost formal. He watched like a hawk when she took part in any stunts, eyes dark and arms folded. She wanted to break his resolve and make him laugh again, and she was constantly on the look out for ways to do it. 

“SteveO are you sure you want to look loaded in these pictures?”

“Yeah dude I wanna see how big I can make my pupils go in the pictures” he replied, spraying cleaner onto a rag and breathing deeply.

Hannah watched a little doubtfully, but she didn’t want to harsh her friend’s fun. They were in the parking lot at the shoot, and Hannah’s stomach was doing backflips. She’d washed her hair and blow dried it, and it looked bouncy and fresh. Instead of the usual ‘work uniform’ she’d adopted of baggy t-shirts and cargo shorts, she’d chosen a tank top and long skirt. She felt a little self-conscious, but she tentatively trusted the others enough now to try something different for this special occasion. 

She linked Steveo’s arm and dragged him inside, where the rest of the boys were waiting. There was a cooler of beers on the floor, and Johnny, Dave, Ryan and Bam were sat with open bottles. They looked up when they saw them come in. “Oh hey nice of you to decide to join us!” called out Bam. “Sorry dude I had some very important errand to run.” said SteveO, sniffing in a way that Hannah thought was a bit obvious. “Oh yeah sure thing SteveO” laughed Johnny. Hannah reached out and playfully messed up Bam’s carefully coiffed hair, and he swatted her hand away. “You’re dressed like a girl today Hannah” Bam teased. “Careful, Jeff and Knoxville will remember they’re too chivalrous to let you have any fun.”

“No one was feeling chivalrous enough to wait for us before you cracked into the beers though?”

“Hey, it’s 9am somewhere” deadpanned Ryan, and tossed her and SteveO a bottle each. 

Hannah looked round for a bottle opener. Noticing, Johnny stood up. “Aw fuck off Bam, just cause you don’t mind making a girl cry doesn’t mean we’re all a bunch of brutes.”

He opened Hannah’s beer and handed to her, smiling. “Here ya go doll, and I think you look real nice.” Hannah grinned and knocked back a mouthful of beer. “I mean I know how much everyone likes my animal t-shirts so I can get changed back if you think that’s more the vibe we’re going for.”

As she’d predicted, there was a groan as her animal t-shirts were denounced by the group at large.

“Those fucking t-shirts man-“

“Fucking birds staring at me while I’m trying to work-“

“Those t-shirts have autism man I swear, a wolf howling at the moon, or a giraffe head and a tree. Where do you even buy a t-shirt like that in this day and age.”

“They are a waste of a killer rack man, makes you look 12 years old.” Ryan shook his head, disgusted. 

Sipping her beer and smiling at the barrage of criticism that her t-shirts tended to elicit, Hannah thought that for such a straight group they could sure bring the claws out when it came to fashion. 

Jeff approached, with who Hannah assumed was the photographer. He was tall, with a thin moustache and side burns. Hannah would guess he was 40, 45 perhaps. He was also, she noticed with a sinking sensation, staring right at her chest. His eyes didn’t so much linger as laser focus on to them. The worst thing was Hannah actually liked her boobs, or at  least she had done. Back home she’d got them out with ease, but in this town it felt like they entered the room 10 steps ahead of her, creating their own first impression. The rest of her arrived unwelcome and un-greeted behind them. About a month into life in LA, she’d taken to covering them up and pressing them down whenever she could. Apart from today, when she’d felt at ease enough to get dressed like she wasn’t attempting to smuggle out contraband. Clearly this had been a huge mistake. She folded her arms and moved her hair to the front, like that would make any fucking difference. 

The shoot started and Hannah tried to relax. They snapped pictures of the group. They tried to one up each other looking for the silliest thing to do in the next photo: Dave England dropped his trousers. Bam jumped into Ryan’s arms, Johnny kicked Ryan in the nuts. SteveO ricocheted around it all like a pinball. Laughing, Hannah joined in, encouraging Ryan to put his hand out and let her stand one legged in his grip before promptly toppling down. The camera flashed, catching the fall and the group collapsing under Hannah’s weight. 

Groaning on the floor, the group took a moment to get back to their feet. As they righted themselves, Hannah could see Jeff, Marcus and the camera man conferring, gesturing towards her and nodding.

“Right we want to try something different.”

“Boys, take 5. Then we’re gonna split into groups for photos. Hannah, we want you to try this on.”

“What is it?” Asked Hannah doubtfully.

Jeff looked a little shifty, and held up a white bikini. It had skull and crossbones symbols over the tits and across the butt it said ‘Jackass’. 

The men around her broke into laughter.

“Oh man good luck with that.” Said Bam, doubling over. “You gonna try and fit cargo shorts under those bikini bottoms Hannah?”

“Aw fuck dude that is so awesome, that’s gonna be a smokeshow on you Hannah. That’s hot!” SteveO babbled, draping himself over Hannah’s shoulder and talking fast.

Johnny clapped his hands together, throwing his head back to laugh. “That’s a Jackass branded bikini? Aw hell I didn’t even know we made those. We all gotta get one.”

Still laughing, the boys and Jeff walked to the cooler and helped themselves to another beer while Hannah’s costume change went ahead. 

Hannah stood holding the scrap of fabric in her hands, her knuckles white. She stared down at it feeling unable to move. What the fuck was she going to do?

“Marcus I don’t feel…comfortable with this. I would really rather not wear that.” She spoke quietly, a hush that she hoped wouldn’t bring the attention of the rest of the crew. Hannah looked imploringly at Marcus, trying to convey with her eyes the words she wanted to infer without having the shame of saying out loud: help me! Do something!

Marcus sighed.

“Hannah, like I said, this is a big opportunity. I don’t think you should assume you’ve got the kind of influence here as to get away with seeming difficult to work with.” 

Hannah flinched. “Fucking hell Marcus you’re supposed to represent me. If I wear this that’s it, I’m just… just eye candy here” she hissed, but apparently not quietly enough. People were starting to look. Johnny and Bam were glancing over from the beer cooler, and the photographer approached her and Marcus. He’d clearly assessed the issue and interjected breezily. 

“Honestly, sweetie, your face isn’t going to sell this magazine, but those are.” he gestured vaguely to her breasts. “So come on, let’s get our jobs done, alright?”

Feeling her face flush red, Hannah sucked in a breath. “Fucking hell.” and marched away. 

In the dressing room, Hannah put on the bikini. It barely covered her boobs, the white fabric and string leaving very little to guesswork. She hadn’t shaved, and the string tie bottoms sat high up on her legs. Hannah browsed the rack of clothing in the room and pulled on a pair of denim shorts. She presumed pubes weren’t something this group was ready for. She appraised herself in the mirror. “Fuck this fuck this fuck this” Hannah whispered, pressing the palms of her hands to her eyes. She took a deep breath. Do not be a fucking baby Hannah thought to herself. This photoshoot was meant to be a special moment. So what if she was wearing a bikini. SteveO was shirtless! This was fine. Obviously SteveO was also very obviously pinging out of his mind, and his body was different. It was a bit, a canvas for a joke. She hesitated, and opened the door to head back out, desperately hoping that the drama of the last 10 minutes had gone over her costar’s heads. 

The studio was cold and she felt her skin goose pimple as she stepped back out of the dressing room. The feedback was instant.

“Aww no way what’s with the shorts? I wanted to see the branding on the ass.” Dave called out from where he was sat by the beer cooler.

“Yeah well you fucking wear them then.” Hannah snapped back. Her insides felt jagged and hot. 

“Jeez” said Dave, holding up his hands in a mock surrender that indicated to everyone he didn’t know why she was being such a bitch. 

“Hannah you look so good dude, oh my god” SteveO approached her, hands outstretched, but was intercepted by Johnny. “O-K SteveO let’s get you onto liquids instead of gases.” he said, putting his hand firmly on Steve’s shoulder.

“OK fantastic Hannah we’re ready to go. Bam and Ryan and Dave, you’re gonna to a set together. And SteveO, Hannah, Johnny you’re gonna do a group shot. Then we might do some individuals.”Jeff directed.

The three of them stood together in front of the camera. 

“You OK?” Johnny asked her in an undertone.

“Yep, all fine.” she said, avoiding his eye. 

Marcus and Jeff stood by the monitor. 

The photographer seemed to have realised SteveO was beyond direction, and so focussed his instructions on Hannah and Johnny.

“Johnny, put on your shades. Yep, now twist left. OK, take a sip of your beer.That’s it, great.”

Johnny was so at ease in front of the camera. Even with her bikini on, Hannah was sure Johnny would be what drew everyone’s eye. 

“OK now a little closer together.” said the photographer, gesturing for Hannah to move in towards Johnny.

By now SteveO was on the floor and Jeff stepped in. “SteveO, come with me, let’s get you a coffee or something.”

The photographer breezed past the exit of one of his subjects.

“And turn to the side Hannah, face Knoxville, right up next to him, that’s it”

Hannah was now stood with her boobs pressed against Johnny, his arm loosely round her. 

“OK now put your arm up, around his neck.” Hannah draped her arm around Johnny, 

“Now bite his ear.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Johnny, put your hand on her ass.”

Johnny raised his eyebrows and looked at Hannah, “You mind?” he asked.

“Um, no, I don’t mind.”

She felt him place his hand gently on her. His hand was big, and it cupped her ass cheek easily. She felt his hand squeeze slightly and relax. She looked up at him and met his eyes behind his sunglasses.

The camera  flashed.

“OK fantastic. Now Hannah turn to me. That’s it. Now lean a little forward, little more…”

Hannah’s adrenaline was turning to annoyance as the photographer attempted to contort her to show as much chest as possible.

“OK now arch your back, open your mouth…”

“Why don’t I just deep throat the fucking microphone, is that more what you had in mind?” she snapped. Johnny let out a loud laugh, doubling over with his hands on his knees. The click of the camera paused as what she’d said settled. 

“I’m so sorry,” began Marcus, leaping into action, but Johnny waved him away.

“All creative input is welcome on set, no bad ideas in brainstorming.” he wheezed, reaching out and ruffling Hannah’s hair. “You’re funny.”

The camera man smiled his thin lipped smile. “Let’s do some individuals.”

Hannah went first. She felt sure that the camera man had become more aggressive in his clicking since her outburst. Jeff had come back, leaving SteveO to sleep it off in the changing room, and he tossed her a beer as he passed by. “Hey, shotgun this!” he called, and Hannah obliged, happy to show off her skills. The camera clicked and flashed as she knocked back the beer, reaching to wipe her mouth triumphantly afterwards. Ryan and Johnny applauded and whooped from their camping chairs, both waiting to be called up for more photos. “OK, now let’s lose the bikini top.”

Hannah let out a shocked laugh. The fucking nerve of this guy. She reached behind her back as if to undo her bikini strings, and instead pulled out a middle finger, and flipped off the camera. 

[crmsnmth]

Bell To Bell

I'm not sure what you want me to do It changes so frequently that I can't keep anything on deck And you'll push the blame And I'll take because that's how this works

You blame it on the pills I'm taking But they make me sleep Not fight and scream against brick walls You had to have noticed the cynic standing behind them

Your voice is screaming profanity and curses In just that dull you way you talk But your so good on paper I'll tell you, that's a pretty hard sell

Has your vanity kicked you down tht i wanna every join in every failure you've got coming It's the only time I'd side with this planet So sure, if that's what it takes to bring success Got anymore crappy limericks to share

The fight's about nothing, not a thing but we'll make it about everything again and again This is getting to be quite exhausting A boxing ring instead of a living room I don't see this has any better

The neighbors are listening I guess they never had choice Even that doesn't stop the barking thing we've got Bite me, fuck off, and please god, don't fucking touch me

I'll try to run but you'll grab ne by the shirt So sick of fights but it's the only thing we're good at Blame games and manipulation We are the answer to what happesn when you put a liar with a liar

There is something very wrong with you I could say the same

Look at the pot calling the kettle black

[exlwandering]

Found a writing prompt, it was "How to Perfectly Cook Your Human" took it and ran, gets a little weird and gross so CW for gore. Cannibalism, and misuse of a medical cadaver. Also lots of cooking descriptions. Enjoy 🔪🥩

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How to Cook Perfect Human: A Tutorial

Hey, Im dead. I'm also called cadaver 23. Not my name but who the hell and I to tell the doc what I’m called. Today’s topic of discussion is not how horrible Mr. William Burke is at his job at selling corpses, today we talk about a very viral topic indeed. Can anyone guess it? Well, it’s CANNABILISUM!!! Exciting I know! And today's meal? Me. and tommorows and the day after… Probably for a while honestly im about 180 pounds and people tend to not eat over a pound of meat for like a whole week so… I’ll be on the menu until I go bad, guess he’s stuck with me. But enough about me and how many portions I am, lets talk about the real reason you’re here, to eat. 

Step One:  Get the meat. (This is arguably the easiest step apart from actually eating lol) First you need to find the right person tho, this is done by looking for people like Mr. William Burke, a freelance Broker (somone who sells deep people, aka people not fun at parties, like really dude, so many jobs and you pick seeling dead  dudes… I’m not one to judge tho.) Someone like him is slopy, (I mean it’s not like he has any idea what he’s doing??? He literally took my head off with a chainsaw in his back yard??? xD Guess I am one to judge lol) Any way because he’s got no Idea whats going on, and frankly neither do I, he sells for really cheep. The Rich B**** TM cadavers are worth like 5,000 big bucks for the whole thing, but people like me , ya boy, are like a couple hundo for all of me and like 200 for just a leg (I mean common, talk about a bargain baabaay!!!) After you’ve confirmed that I’m cheep all you gotta do is send some emails! I mean like, he’ll try and sound like he knows what he’s doing so he don’t get sued by a cadavers family but like… It’s not like he doing back round checks or anything so… You know what to do ;)

Step Two: Get Your Ingredients!!!  I suggest, since you’ll be getting me for like a bargain, you totally need to be buying some good spices for me, like rosemary, garlic, (running out of spices here…>:/) you get the gist. You also need to figure out how youll be cooking me! My personal fave would be a pot roast. Before I became a cadaver I lived for a good roast, it was my favorite meal growing up, so obvs you should be cooking me like that! For me!!! My Memory! Ya know, what I would want… Yeah. But. Ya know that’s totally not the only way to cook me. You could make pulled human, I heard human tastes and acts like pork so. You could also grind me up and make human burgers. Or even stake, make me look like an expensive dish! You get the idea, anythings on the table, just don’t burn me… Unless that’s what you want. Then I guess do it. :< It would make a sad tho. 

Step Three: Cook Me. Before we go forward, I wanna make something clear, I never ate human, or cooked it. So I’m not an expert on this part, I am on step one, not so much step two, I could never really buy expensive stuff before being Cadaver 23 so, I don’t know much, but these next steps I’m completely in the dark here. SO >:) From now on I’ll be talking about what I directly experience as I’m cooked. HERE WE GO!!!! The cooking requires some prep, one of the first things I felt happen was the skin being removed and placed aside, while this was happening I hear the guy preparing me talking about how tasty the skin can be when fried, like pork skins! Mmmm, yummy, (TBH one of my most fav road trip snacks). After this My thighs and calves are pried from the bones, said bones maserfally ripped apart from each other. After this, the four biggest bones and are put on a cutting board before being split right down the middle. They did this four excruciating times guys (talk about over kill). He places each bone of a pan with pepper to taste before putting them in the oven to roast the marrow. Both of my claves are cut into medium sized cubes, the exsus being thrown away, like nothing. Each side of my cubes are placed on a frying pan before sauce is put in with me, and I’m left to simmer until thoroughly cooked. One thigh is cut into sizable pieces before being put in a dutch oven with spices and hearty veges like potatoes and carrots and one big thing of garlic to roast us together. When I’m cooked they take forkes to me and pull me apart, mixing in some rosemary and other things that they desired. One thigh is cut into one thick slab before being placed in a cooker with large cut vegies like potatoes and celery and carrots, (woldn’t you know it their making a healthier meal with me than I ever ate before being… yeah. Their meal.) I’m a fancy steak, a pulled human, and most importantly I’m a pot roast now. But that’s not all, like they promised my skin is used, cut into rectangle shapes and placed into a large bowl of boiling oil, my skin bubbles and curls in on itself before becoming translucent and hard, easily snapped. My bones are finally pulled out of the oven, my marrow scooped out with a spoon and placed in a small bowl. I’m finished.

Step four: enjoy. I can feel their teeth. There’s three of them, which explains the three cooking methods. The fork goes through my muscles in one plate, on another I’m scooped up by a fork and pressed down by a partition of cubed potato, and finally on another plate- no a bowl, I’m picked up by a spoon filled with hot broth that burns everywhere it touches. Carrots, potatoes, and celery floats beside my thigh muscles. The slow grinding of my flesh is constant and thruming until I am mush. I crack and squelch between their teeth. My Skin snappeing and mosining and turning to mush and then nothing, only sunsitnace for their bodies. I’m also in the bowl next to the bread, still warm as My Marrow is scooped onto a butter knife and scrapped atop toasted bread slices and once again swallowed. I am in three bowls. I am in two plates. I am in three bellies.

I don’t know much about how to cook a human to perfection, but I do know one thing, I am now a perfectly cooked human. That’s all. Finally.