#unless they have a growth disorder or something

[mr-entj]

Hello, Mr. ENTJ. I’m an INTJ 1 sx/sp (F, 30) and was hoping for some advice.

I want to take more action in my life, but instead, I always find another reason to return to analysis, seeking a perfect way forward before stepping out. I fear taking action will taint what’s in my mind — that it won’t be all I hope for, or I won’t be capable of all I hope for.

As time goes on, my confidence diminishes, and my mind feels muddled and strained. I know I need to take action but resist it. I regret the time I’ve wasted and fear I won’t break this cycle.

Considering you and your wife are both NTJs, I was hoping you could provide a unique perspective that may help. Thank you.

Related answers:

Dealing with failure and overcoming adversity

Do you think NTJs have any self-sabotaging behaviors, and if yes, what are they and how to deal with them?

How do you recover confidence that has been lost? 

Regaining confidence

For starters, talk to a professional to see if you have an anxiety disorder. Rule it out first. Beyond that, five thoughts to chew on:

1.Inaction guarantees failure. It guarantees the exact worst outcome you're trying to avoid. It’s like someone who can't decide what to eat and eventually starves. Solution? Eat something. Anything. It may not be perfect, but it'll provide basic nutrition. The same logic applies to plans: try something, pick a major, take a class, apply to a job, ask someone out, join a club, start a hobby, etc. — decide —act. If you're scared, start small and low-risk. Pick up a hobby, exercise, or even play a video game. Achieve a little win, build momentum, and keep going. Get good at something because progress breeds confidence and momentum turns into growth.

2. Perfection is a lie. I wrote about it years ago. There's no perfect solution that's realistic because people (and the world) are imperfect. The bad news? Unless you're a 35th century cyborg, you're not going to figure it out. The good news? You don't need to be perfect to be great. An 89.6% is still an A. Book the win and move on. Focus on the destination.

3. Experience is the most valuable teacher. It's how the scientific method works: try, fail, learn, refine, and try again. Read autobiographies of great people and focus on their failures, not their successes, to understand the struggles that shaped them. Then go try. Nothing replaces actual experience because it sharpens your instincts, builds your skills, and strengthens your emotional resilience. If reading alone could lead to excellence, anyone could pick up books on basketball and play like Michael Jordan. But they can’t—they need to put in the work. You do too.

4. Failure is not final. Most things in life can be fixed. I would know: I failed 10th grade and had to take summer classes, dropped out of college, and worked as a janitor for a few years before I got my shit together. At the time, it felt like I was failing, but those experiences taught me valuable lessons: what my strengths were, how to manage people, build resilience to rejection, and more. Looking back, it turns out I wasn’t failing—I was learning— and it led me to the life I've always wanted.

5. Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It has concepts that will be useful to your situation. It won't be groundbreaking, but it'll be affirming.

[jackdaniel69nice]

Another tokoyami bird traits post because I’m crazy

Birds have very little sense of smell so he’s got a very weak olfactory system.

Birds can’t taste capsaicin so they can’t taste spiciness. Tokoyami’s food is a bit bland to some because he never really adds any to it. On the other hand he’s one of the only people that can handle bakugo’s curry. I’m going to go out on a limb and say dark shadow can’t taste spice either.

Tokoyami has shown minor territorial traits when it comes to letting people in his room. This can be explained with him being shy but I’m going to take it a step further. I think his room is like a safe space for him and he is very paranoid about people stealing things. He HATES when things get moved around and panics if he loses something so he gets very aggressive if someone tries to touch his stuff. He also has problems with being vulnerable and having people see his things because it lets them know his interests and he hates that. Do not sit on his bed without permission. He also has food anxiety so do not touch his food in the fridge or you will die. Dark shadow is even worse about this but they keep all their stuff under the bed so as long as you stay out of there you’ll be fine.

To add onto this tokoyami also has nesting tendencies. Unfortunately Tokoyami’s mother discouraged this behavior and tried to keep him from doing it. When he was little he would make his nests under the bed because it was well protected and dark. Eventually he outgrew the bed space and moved it to the back of his closet. He still has anxiety about someone finding one of his nests so it’s very small (literally only one blanket) and he keeps his closet door locked. Dark shadow still has their nest under the bed. Tokoyami only allows himself to be in his nest if he’s having a breakdown and needs comfort. It’s sad that he denies himself basic needs because of how he was raised.

Alright this one’s a little crazy but I think it would be cool if he had two stomachs. The first stomach is pretty normal, maybe it has a gizzard component so he can digest bones. But the other one is a crop so he can carry extra food to digest later, this would make sense because of his fast metabolism and he wouldn’t need to stop to eat so much. This entire thing was inspired by joke in the light novels where they said tokoyami has a “second stomach” for anything apple related XD

Do not get me started on dark shadows digestive system I have no idea how that works. They drank in the light novels that’s all I know. I guess the stuff just disappears, unless they don’t want it too.

Tokoyami’s beak perpetually grows so he has to file it down, I’ve heard you can use certain bones to do that so that’s kinda badass B)

I’ve seen a lot of debate about whether or not tokoyami has feathers or hair and my pick is both. His feathers don’t have a hollow shaft like hawk’s does and continually grows out of his head like hair. They still have the general shape of a feather though and need to be taken care of in a similar manner. The shaft is stronger than normal hair so it sticks up when it’s shorter but it’s still flexible and won’t break. Dark shadow is responsible for all preening fumikage would be useless without them. New feather growth is still covered in a sheathing that needs to be removed. Since it grows continuously it needs to be cut and shaped, dark shadow does this with their beak. During training all kinds of dirt blood and sweat will get in his feathers so he uses a special shampoo hawks recommend to him (hawks is unfortunately on the front of the bright red bottle).

This last part is a bit sad and has some trigger warnings I guess (tw self harm, hair pulling, eating disorders). Birds don’t do well with stress and tokoyami has some bad habits because of that. He will pull his feathers and bite his nails down to the bed until they bleed. He also has trouble eating and simply won’t do it when he’s too stressed. If he did eat and has a panic attack it might come back up. He was very underweight growing up from constant stress and was malnourished because of it. He has been a lot better about these things since coming to UA and even tries to follow a strict eating schedule but he still has bad days where he may skip several meals a day. You can almost always convince him to eat an apple or white rice tho (safe foods my beloved~). He wears special nail polish to keep him from biting his nails. If all else fails dark shadow doesn’t particularly like when he hurts himself and usually tries to intervene (sometimes their state of mind is in even worse shape though).

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hey we've been thinking about that "OSDD was a temporary diagnosis" post for a while and. it makes complete sense what you guys said but like. we can't get ANYONE to diagnose us as anything CDD, let alone anything that isn't going to give us the treatment equivalent of slapping a bandaid on a stab wound. Is there like, anywhere we could look further into P-DID/DID research on the subject? We're not comfortable moving off of the self diagnosis of OSDD-1b yet so we wanna be triple sure to get as much information as possible.

Thankies 💕💕💕

- 🐑 & 🌸 of the Constellation Collective

There's places all over to find that info, but I want to encourage you not to overthink it. You can dig deeper, you absolutely should, but the label... it doesn't matter. It's really, truly okay to get this one wrong and switch around between the labels or use them interchangeably. I promise. You don't need to be right, because you're right regardless (unless it's a misdiagnosis, but I'm going to talk about that at the end of this, because it's important).

I am diagnosed OSDD, but I call myself DID. It's easy, I understand that there's not that big of a difference, no one is going to yell at us (me or you) if it turns out that we have the other one. We're not misrepresenting ourselves. If it turns out I would only ever be diagnosed with OSDD, that doesn't mean I was wrong using the DID label, or that I was even mislabelling myself.

Whether you're diagnosed with DID or OSDD largely depends on where you live. I made a post about this a while back but I can't find it. The US is more likely to diagnose OSDD with minor amnesia than the UK. They're more likely to call minor amnesia DID (as they should). It's literally a dice throw, and not that important.

To quote my BFF, Colin Ross,

The dividing line between DID and most cases of dissociative disorder not otherwise specified is arbitrary [or OSDD]. Most cases of DDNOS are partial forms of DID which lack either clear switching of executive control, full amnesia barriers between identity states, or clear differentiation and structure of identity states. They are partial forms of DID with the same patterns of childhood trauma and co-morbidity.

Also this quote.

So on the one hand we have a vast swathe of people who are, or would be, diagnosed with OSDD as opposed to dissociative identity disorder but who show almost all of the symptoms of DID. Many people therefore see DID and OSDD as appearing on a spectrum, and prefer to conflate the two conditions so that DID/OSDD represents a range of dissociative experiences with more or less amnesia and greater or less elaboration and distinctive identity states or parts of the personality.

It is also what happens in practice: very few people would realistically distinguish between DID and OSDD.

And,

Both OSDD and DID are the result of the spontaneous action of the brain in response to trauma. Both contain different self-states, holding shards of memory and ‘unformulated experience’ (Stern, 1997). Both can be helped by similar approaches to therapy which encourage neuronal repair and result in brain growth such as increased hippocampal volume. Above all, all forms of dissociation need to be validated for their unique contribution to survival.

P-DID is a bit of a new one. Here's the ICD link to it, if you want to read more, but it's going to be the same as above. It's really not that important. Its main difference is that the system doesn't really switch, it's mostly intrusion (like feelings bleeding between alters and host).

These are really only useful for describing how your system generally functions.

Finally, misdiagnosis.

It's okay to be wrong completely. Maybe it's just BPD or OCD, autism, any of the number of disorders that come with identity confusion.

When someone self DX something like BPD and they finally get to therapy and find out it's literally ANYTHING else, we celebrate with them. Good job, you found answers! You're on the right path! You can get the right kind of help now. You did what you had to do in order to get by, and you did your best to try to understand yourself with the tools you had. The use of the first label wasn't malicious, you didn't hurt anyone by using it, and you probably got yourself pretty knowledgeable on the topic.

You are now a resource for those who are also trying to figure themselves out.

Who knows better what the difference between BPD and OSDD is than someone who tried out both and found the answer?

Being wrong doesn't mean you're bad, I don't know why we don't celebrate a misdiagnosis of DID like we do some others. We're all just trying to understand ourselves, and sometimes we're wrong. The point is that eventually we figure it out, and the journey there... recognizing a misdiagnosis is a GOOD part of your story, and it's an important story to share. You were still struggling, regardless of what label you used and what you're being diagnosed with.

Use the label that feels right to you. If you want to keep using OSDD, that's fine. You're describing how your system works right now, and that's perfect. Using DID or OSDD, you'll end up in the same place regardless-- hopefully this means with a good therapist who's going to take your symptoms seriously, but you're going to end up in that same chair no matter what label you're using.

I really hope this helped.

Also, I didn't really touch on it, but I'm sorry you're struggling to get a diagnosis. That must be incredibly frustrating. Don't give up. Unfortunately, the average is about 5 years for most. Keep advocating for yourself.

[inamindfarfaraway]

I don’t often share personal stories on here, but listen. I’m in my university’s Hedgehog Society and today they held a casual, friendly hedgehog cake decorating competition. They provided store-bought, iced cakes, confectionery materials and tools. We turned those cakes into hedgehogs. Red velvet cake was among the bases offered.

I knew what I had to do.

I created Shadow the Hedgecake.

Now, three points of context:

I am extremely perfectionistic and self-conscious about what I create, as a rule. This is worse in social situations and I’m especially uncomfortable with visual and physical mediums. I hate drawing. The permanence of marring a blank canvas terrifies me. I can delete words in a document, but if I stain a page with my human imperfection by one wrong line, that page is ruined. The same principle applies to sculpture and so on. I used to cry in art class. A lot. The only reason I don’t anymore is that I no longer do art class.

In a similar vein of irrational anxiety and shame, I’m very secretive about many of my fandom interests in my personal life, particularly those that are likely to be mocked or not taken seriously. Like Sonic the Hedgehog. I know that my stress is disproportionate and I’ve never actually been bullied or anything. But unless I know or suspect that someone either likes the media too or is happy to learn about it, I just don’t broach the subject. My followers have seen sides of me that I’ve never shown my family.

Nobody in the Hedgehog Society had indicated before this meeting that they liked Sonic the Hedgehog. Nobody else did a character cake like me. I committed to this alone and unsupported in public.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I have an anxiety disorder, but I am autistic. So my social thinking and confidence aren’t exactly normal.

But I’ve recently started university. I’m pushing my limits and putting myself out there and starting to connect with new people. This is a time for growth. This is 2024: the Year of Shadow. The Fearless Year of Shadow. So I decided to do something I’d always struggled to. I would relax, not take this too seriously and follow my vision.

BEHOLD. THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORM.

Don’t tell me you don’t see the resemblance. He’s partly red! He’s in his super form! He’s got a light fluffy patch on his chest! He’s got two pairs of gold rings/circles/whatever! He’s a messy, angular weirdo!

He’s angry and crying because he watched his best friend get murdered by the government!

Did I win the contest? No. Did I place? No. But I had fun, and I was original and true to myself. Thanks, Shadow.

[oscconfessions]

whenever i see people do ship names with yin-yang in it like 'cabyang' or something it makes me uncomfortable because yin-yang is TECHNICALLY TWO PEOPLE it should be YINCABYANG not *just* cabyang

maybe i'm mainly upset by this because i have DID and it feels like erasure of a DID character's- well- pluralness(?) but yin-yang is TWO PEOPLE in ONE BODY you NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT

if yin-yang GETS INTO A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, BOTH OF THEM SHOULD BE ON BOARD WITH IT, BECAUSE THEY ARE A SYSTEM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF COFRONTING (unless one of them decides to be the main fronter for a while, seen in iii)

also a probably unpopular opinion of yin-yang being a truly good or at least DECENT dissociative identity disorder representation because holy SHIT is it demonized in media (I BLAME PEOPLE WHO READ JEKYLL AND HYDE INCORRECTLY!!!! I REALLY DO!!!! I REALLY FUCKIGN DO!!! but that's a whole different topic that shouldn't be discussed here cause its not on topic) because literally, the two of them, even right from the start clearly have been actual good DID rep imo, because while yang is at first seen as 'evil and bad', as ii progresses, you can quite literally see that he's Just A Guy! sure he's edgy and stuff, but his relationship with yin is treated really well! he's more seen as a mischievous chaotic guy rather than a "villain"! AND in iii, he even mends his relationship with yin with the help of candle!! and they become more functional together!! and more balanced!! you get to see GROWTH!!

i'm just glad yang wasn't another 'evil bad guy' """alter ego""". and yeah, sure, some alters don't do good things, not all alters are good, but by god does the media really like to focus on that and make only the 'bad ones' seen.

i don't know or care on how exactly they became a two-member system, i'm not going to start that flame of discourse about systems because it simply isn't worth it, i'm just happy that the ~"ooooooo evil person in the same body as good person" DID """representation"""~ stereotype in media is finally broken by a black and white sphere

anyways i ship mephone with yin-yang because i kin mephone and i want to kiss yin and yang

~ mephoneAnon

.

[bluedalahorse]

Hello @simonsapelsin! I’m ready to respond to the comment you left yesterday.

Within the parameters of canon—most likely no, but maybe? It would have to be backed up by a lot of plot and character developments in order for it to work.

This ended up being way too long, so more thoughts on sargust + thoughts on the potential created by AUs and canon divergences + thoughts on the idea of “healthy” relationships behind the cut…

So obviously season 2 ended in a really, really bad place for sargust. August refuses to embrace accountability and doubles down on his harmful behavior. Our last shot of Sara is her calling the police to report him, and in that moment she’s completely alone. They have that painful conversation about August buying Rousseau. That’s… that’s a lot for them to overcome, and season 3 doesn’t have enough episodes to get us there fully, unless the writing team are very, very clever and efficient.

There’s a popular fan interpretation of sargust that says that Sara and August both project identities onto one another and don’t see one another’s real selves. I understand and agree with that interpretation up to a point, but I don’t know if I necessarily agree with it 100%. In my mind they do see real things about one another (August sees Sara’s ambition and desire for independence, Sara sees August’s emotional vulnerability and need for help. And they do connect with one another in ways that others haven’t been able to connect with them. What August and Sara fail to predict about one another is the other’s choices. Sara assumed August would choose to be honest and August assumed Sara would choose to be queen. But I think the care they showed for one another earlier in the season was real, and the way they could hold space for one another was real. That’s really a meta I could write for another time, but a lot of it hinges on this line, which is not a line I am even remotely normal about:

(Note: I’ll probably write this meta eventually. The fact that these characters create a sort of home with one another! Also lol @ August looking like he is stoned out of his mind.)

So what would it look like for sargust to get a Second Chance Romance within the parameters of canon? I mean, first of all, they’d both have to mature independently for a while and work through a lot of the trauma they’re carrying. 

For Sara, I want her to get away from home and have some distance from the place she grew up so she can put her childhood in perspective. Therapy would help. (I want that for Simon, too!) I’d also like to see Sara find some neurodivergent friends/community—I mean, we do tend to find one another and run in packs! And then some sort of career or life path that makes her happy. Maybe with horses, sure, but it’d also be interesting to see Sara keep horses as a beloved hobby while also finding a different career she’s passionate about.

For August, accountability and rehabilitation and understanding of the harm he did is incredibly important for his personal growth. Whether he faces that through the legal system or through some other process is something we have yet to see in the show. Then comes the long work of restitution and atonement, as well as the steps August needs to take to grapple with his various personal traumas. Like, please get this boy a place to process his grief over his father, treatment for his disordered eating, and rehab for his addiction to pills.

Now, Sara and August wouldn’t have to be 100% healed and self-actualized when they run across one another as adults—I don’t know if there’d be a story if they were, and this sort of stuff is lifelong work! But further along the paths above that I described—that could still be a good story.

Beyond growth and maturity, I think we’d have to see some sort of change in how August and Simon relate to one another, happening primarily on Simon’s terms because he was the one wronged, and that would need to be an important part of the story. This feels crucial. Now that Sara’s aware how much she hurt her brother, I don’t imagine she’d enter a relationship with August even if August is a super chill, okay person now. So I actually think a good Second Chance Romance story would have to heavily involve Simon in one way or another. But a fic where August and Simon interact more honestly with one another, and August has to face up to Simon’s personhood? That would definitely hold my attention. (I am kind of hoping they get more extended interaction in season 3, really. They have some sneaky but fascinating parallels as characters and I like watching the way Omar and Malte play off one another.)

Outside of canon… one thing I have considered is the potential to write a version of sargust in AUs that’s more tailored toward happy endings. Which doesn’t quite relate to your question but I do want to talk about it. As of now, AUs/Canon Divergence fics are a perfect place to make sargust actually work out. This fandom has a lot of imagination for AUs and canon divergences. And it’s no surprise—Young Royals is a rich, nuanced text that can be explored from many angles, so it only makes sense that we’d want to create a thousand alternate universe scenarios where canon could have gone differently. In my mind, if people can write “Erik lives” AUs, then “sargust is successful because August learns over time to be less shitty” AUs are also fair game.

The thing with writing an AU or canon divergence is that August’s complex brand of shittiness does not have to be inevitable or eternal. We’ve got creative freedom, baby! We can write any kind of arc for him that we want to and nudge him in all kinds of directions, and set him and Sara up for success! To me, part of the spirit of Young Royals is embracing the idea that everyone has choices, and that they are capable of growth that allows them to make better choices. I mean, sure, it’d be weird to find a version of August on page #1 of a fanfic who’s suddenly like, quoting bell hooks and pushing for an inclusive socialist utopia. I don’t know if I’d suspend my disbelief for that. But I also really struggle to suspend my disbelief for AU versions of August where he’s like… a straightforward flat villain solely out to cause trouble, which is something I have seen out there in the wild and clicked the “back” button over. I crave the nuance. The texture. The literary crunch of it all!

And I don’t think August has to be the center of a fic for that to happen, even. Like I think there’s ways to have him and Sara as a story’s Beta Couple or Gamma Couple and we’re rooting for them and you know what? It’s an AU where some of the characters are fae or 1980s punks or rival scholars of Cold War history so events are happening differently anyway. I’m sure there are ways to write August in character as his shitty self and have him eventually grow and change, without having August also ruin his chances with Sara because he does something that fucks Simon over so completely, you know?

Now, I know there’s fic writers out there who never under any circumstances want to write August’s character and can’t do so from a place of emotional safety. For some folks it is more comfortable to engage with him as a more straightforward villain. And that’s fair. Everyone should write what they feel comfortable writing! In this post, however, I’m thinking more about the people who want to include some kind of nuanced arc for August in their story, but also feel like no one will be interested in it, or like they’ll actually lose readers and engagement if they do write about him, even as a secondary character. Every once in a while I’ll see another fan allude to a really cool fic idea that involves August in some way or takes him in an interesting direction, and then they’ll be like, “oh, but why bother writing it, no one will read it anyway.” And… that makes me incredibly sad! Because I would happily read those fics. I know some other people who would happily read those fics! But I think we’ve normalized the idea that that’s just not how things are “done” in the Young Royals fandom. Which makes it very hard for people to take that risk. I think we’re missing out on some cool stories as a result, that could really be satisfying to read.

One final thought… I notice some fandoms use the word “healthy”  when describing their OTPs/favorite pairings. I hope you’re okay with me unpacking that a bit? This is less a response to your comment in particular and more a response to fandom at large.

Honestly, “healthy” is a word that’s starting to feel pretty loaded for me, and can kind of rub me the wrong way. It seems that generally what people mean by it—when they apply it to a pairing—is that the pairing is good at communicating, respects one another’s boundaries, responds to one another’s needs, processes trauma, etc. And I do appreciate in a story when characters can do these things, to an extent.

But putting it under this umbrella label of “healthy” …well. Okay. “Healthy” is a word that society has added a moral dimension to, and it often gets weaponized against people with disabilities and mental illnesses and other chronic conditions. And health is not an indicator of personal worth. Holding people IRL to a standard of “healthy” kinda feels like you’re saying “it’s okay if you have these diagnoses, as long as you manage them in such a way that it seems like they don’t affect you or the people around you.” (And as someone who’s just recently begun managing a chronic condition, who’s struggling with how to tell my family members because of the way they’re going to moralize about my diet or my stress levels, and also struggling with the shit I’ve internalized over the years… well. I’m thinking about how we use the word “healthy” a lot.)

Bringing this back to the realm of fandoms (because, oof, TMI there blue!) holding a fictional character or pairing to the standard of “healthy” can kind of create some uncomfortable fandom dynamics—at least it can for me, personally. When I see fans take pride in the fact that they ship a “healthy” pairing, to the point where they frequently talk about how “healthy” their pairing is, it’s almost impossible for me not to read such comments as using a moralizing tone that implicitly puts others down for having “unhealthy” ships. Sometimes—generally I haven’t seen this as much in YR fandom—there are even people who will straight up write you off if they perceive your ship as “unhealthy” or “toxic.” And then suddenly all ships are either deemed healthy or unhealthy, and healthy ships are retroactively interpreted as doing everything right, while unhealthy ships can never do anything right, and there’s no hope for them. And that is… a bleak and boring landscape for shipping, if you ask me.

I want to read romances where writers are informed about how trauma can affect relationships and how one can learn to survive it, yes. But I feel iffy about the idea of a perfectly “healthy” romances for sargust or wilmon, seeing as they’re all characters with trauma and mental health struggles, and all of them have days that are Not So Good. They could all mature into adults who’ve learned from their past, but like, Wilhelm might still have panic attacks because anxiety is like that sometimes and it’s not a moral failing. August could go through rehab and be in a much better place and harm others less, and still might struggle with intense emotional disregulation or thoughts related to disordered eating, you know? I’d like reading trauma-informed stories where sargust can mature and heal. But they still might have bad days because that’s what being human is.

In addition, I also like tragic sargust where things just don’t work out between them and everything falls apart, because as I’ve said elsewhere on this blog, I’m a slut for tragedy.

So. Idk. I talk about all these things and all these possibilities in hopes that maybe someone in the fandom will get inspired by them. We’ll see if it does that! Ahaha. It’s worth a try.

ADDENDUM, since I didn’t talk about my own fic ideas here:

Heart and Homeland is an AU fic, and it’s tragic sargust for sure. And I’m proud of it, despite the part where their relationship is tragic! And I tried to work in little glimmers where you see how their relationship could have worked.

Now, my next fic idea, shared with @heliza24, is one set in a canon divergence universe where Sara goes to campus to look for Simon, on the night that Everything Is Fake But Wilhelm’s Love For Simon Is Real. As Sara walks around campus, trying to find her brother, she bumps into August, who is still high from the party and is just sort of… emotionally all over the place? In my head I think Sara and August actually trip over one another and he gets a skinned knee or something, so they have to break into some part of school late at night to get band-aids from a first aid kit, and they end up in a weird, late-night conversation and August actually ends up talking to Sara about his grief for Erik. Thus, he’s never at the window to film the video, and some weird door opens up in his brain about actually having someone he can open up to. He doesn’t change overnight, but his character—and everyone else’s characters—are butterfly effected in a totally different direction. That’s all I’m going to say for now! But gosh, I really hope I get the time and energy to write it.

[faraway-sunshine]

Why do you think discussing your feelings about each other would disrupt his growth :O? Honesty is really good when it comes to relationships, even if what you discover isn't "perfect", you two can learn how to make your relationship better afterwards! You can't fix things unless you know the issues first

I guess that's true.

Getting into the specifics, though, he's got a lot of symptoms consistent with borderline personality disorder, or BPD. Nobody will diagnose him as he's not 18 yet but he's been described as "close to textbook" by a few of them.

A lot of his strongest, most disruptive behaviours linked to it have something to do with me. With us. (Tuesday 26th September, 2000, 9:12 PM)

[zumpietoo]

Continueddd....(Part II)

By the time 2022 started, and a few months into filming Riverdale’s sixth season, Reinhart was also dealing with new, unexplained gut issues and inexplicable weight gain. She’s been tested for Celiac disease, in which the gluten found in wheat, barley, rye, and other foods can trigger an intestine-damaging immune response, and Crohn’s disease, an autoimmune disease that causes swelling and severe inflammation in the digestive tract. “I’ve done all of them,” she says. “And my gut’s still like, ‘Hey, bitch, you got something. You just can’t figure out what it is.’”

Actually, during this time (and even last year), Peepster claimed she was diagnosed with it. That said, she's also always "yo=yo'd" because she has dreadful eating habits and hates to exercise.....plus I thought she sooooo happy and in love with SweatBoi at that point?

Reinhart says she also developed an eating disorder around this time. “I really don’t like looking at season six imagery or pictures, because I know that 99% of my thoughts were about my body,” she says. “I was a thousand percent just disassociated through that entire day or scene because my entire inner dialogue is just… ‘Your body’s changing.’”

Actually, you were 1000% disassociated because Cari were ever deepening and your acting was now shit. You'd claimed to have "developed eating disorders" (as did Crotchi) multiple times throughout the series, as well. But I guess that's how you're excusing how absolutely abysmal you were?

Also, this was when you did your weird home photo shoots "I"m a rich man" crap.....so, again, desperate for attention---and yes, your body WAS changing, because you were past your teens and perfectly normal "aging".

Earlier this year, Reinhart’s hair started falling out. “I went to my dermatologist because my scalp was also getting kind of itchy. She was like, ‘Yes, it's alopecia.’” While some types of alopecia are hormonal (a.k.a. androgenetic alopecia), others can be autoimmune-related, like alopecia areata. This is when a person’s body attacks their hair follicles, causing patchy hair loss.

Your hair started falling out years before that and it's entirely because it's fucking damaged from bleaching and daily wear and tear.....we all noticed it when you filmed Don't Look for the Pill, cuz wiggggssss....and it's why you cut it off in season 6.

As many folks who’ve been poked and prodded in search of a medical diagnosis can likely relate to, Reinhart has run into her fair share of less-than-helpful care (though she also speaks warmly of the current care she’s receiving as well as prior experiences with doctors who were attentive and helpful). While seeking treatment for her alopecia, she says one doctor seemed to suggest she go off her birth control and get pregnant to spur hair growth. She says another provider asked her if she’d been in any shows or movies he’d know, ultimately having a nurse Google her name as she sat there, waiting to be seen. “I understand this is a story that’s not very relatable,” Reinhart tells me (to which I immediately interject to say that feeling objectified under hard fluorescent lighting in a sterile waiting room is achingly relatable), “but just how dehumanizing being at a doctor’s office can be. I’m not here for small talk, I’m here for help.”

They wouldn't write her druggie scripts......or keep to their place as her hired help/servants....or recognize how speshul and amazingly fantastic/fantastically amazing she IS!!!!

There is no fucking doctor who would EVER suggest that, unless as a joke. Particularly not for somebody who takes a LOT of medication, presumably has an autoimmune disorder (pregnancy's really hard on your body if you're super healthy), etc.....

Also, PP? Since apparently you visit an MD like every fucking day? You should know they make small talk

A) to connect/help you relax

B) to ascertain moar about your lifestyle/choices/etc.....to better diagnose and prescribe shit

C) Wasn't this at the height of her cultyville cult when she felt soooooo gud, cuz peyote????

Reinhart is also aware that even having access to care is a privilege in the US, and hard-to-diagnose health problems aren’t cheap. She mentions a time that she was quoted $2,200 out of pocket for an initial consultation with a doctor who didn’t take insurance. “Even if I can afford this, I want no part in that,” she tells me. “It is so expensive to be sick. And that’s why women don’t get help. That’s why men and women don’t get help.”

She's not wrong...up to a point ANDDDD......

A) her mommeee used to gleefully work for big pharma (in like the most pumping up pricing way)

B) Says the bimbo in the mcmansion/name dropping the fancee restaurant/modeling $$$$ clothes/hair/makeup for the uber glossy "you're too fat" as near exclusive message consumerist shallow bullshit publication.

C) You supposedly have a yet to be diagnosed chronic condition and are a millionaire. You are in abject, crippling, life impacting pain----for less than 1% of your supposed fortune, this could be transformed.

Fucking liar......LBR, he was a Dr Feelgood and you didn't have the $$$ that day.

Reinhart’s health struggles came to a head this past July while in Germany filming a movie. “The third night I’m there, I developed symptoms of a UTI,” she explains. “I’m like, ‘I’ve had UTIs before. I’m a woman. We all know how it feels.’” Reinhart went to the hospital by herself at 4 a.m., where doctors performed a urinalysis. She says they found a “slight infection” and sent Reinhart on her way with some antibiotics. But the urgency to pee (the hallmark sign of a UTI) didn’t let up. She ended up going to the hospital two more times, again, thinking she had a UTI. “The second I’m done peeing, I still feel like I have to pee, but my pee is showing up with no infection,” she says.

OMG!!! She went to the ER ALL BY HERSELF???? Peepster deserves a medal right there.....Errmmm.....again, sounds like you had an infection, didn't complete your meds, actually wanted pain meds. And they DGAF who you were.

Also, as noted, preemptive strike should anything leak about what a jackhole she was while filming/justification fr why the project's gonna flop and her acting was crapta"cular.

Sometimes, Reinhart notes, the antibiotics would work for a little while, but within a couple of days, the symptoms would return. When she got back to LA, Reinhart “went straight from the airport to the urologist,” who, again, found no sign of a UTI. “I was, at this point, going back and forth between my gyno and my [urologist],” she notes, adding that she was driving an hour to appointments. “It was just like, I need to find a urogyno specialist. And I found one and I called—and this is mid-September at this point—and they’re like, ‘Okay, she can see you October 30.’ I said, ‘I can’t do that because I’m literally dying.’

Interesting how, at the time, despite this.....she was able to take a nice weekend train trip to Amsterdam and hobnob with the author of her supposed next project, huh???? Even tho she was suffering sooo....

Ummm.....it's LA, everything entails "driving an hour". Not like you can't hire an Uber (or a limo), have somebody take you, your fuckin' PA arrange/research this shit, or even stay in a closer-by hotel room the night before or something.

And, again, so they failed to recognize how sooooperrr speshul you were. Also, why not find yourself a nice, overpriced private hospital and check in there for a nonstop drip of the pain meds you're apparently soooooo desperate for????

When Reinhart spoke at the White House about mental health awareness in October 2024, she spent the night sobbing in her hotel bathtub as her boyfriend, Jack Martin, sat on the floor beside her, holding her hand. “That’s the ironic thing that people don’t see,” she tells me. “I’m literally in Washington, DC, at the White House giving a speech on mental health. And then that same night, I am sobbing, in so much discomfort, and feel so defeated.”

Actually, you've done this every fuckin' time you've had something "big" and away from home. Again, and yet nobody wrote you a pain med script? And sounds kinda ironic given it was all about mental health triumphs....

That same month, Reinhart flew back home to Ohio as her grandmother’s health was deteriorating. Because of that, she didn’t dress up with her Riverdale costars, Camila Mendes and Madelaine Petsch, for Halloween (the three have famously donned trio getups in past years, including the Hocus Pocus sisters in 2022). Fans on TikTok wondered where she was: “Healthwise, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to leave my couch. But I’m not going to tell the world that,” she says.

Ahhhh.....she contradicts herself (was it seeing Grandma or stuck on your couch, PP?) Also, she actually simply chose to go to a different party AND orgy in LA.....with her sidepiece....in a super flimsy dress. Dude, you need to stay on top of your narrative/timeline better.

Around this time Reinhart also got a cystoscopy, a procedure in which a doctor examines the lining of the bladder and urethra to see what might be going on. The result? “No tumors, no cysts, just a lot of inflammation,” Reinhart recalls. “It’s like you almost hope there’s something in there so you can remove it and feel better.” Reinhart’s doctors believe she has interstitial cystitis (IC), which is a chronic disorder where a person’s bladder or bladder wall becomes irritated and inflamed. It can have a long-lasting impact on a person’s quality of life.

Per the CDC, IC affects about 1% of people in the US, mostly people with vaginas. But it can take years to get a diagnosis. That’s because IC is often mistaken for things like UTIs. It also doesn’t have a cure and can be difficult to treat, though symptoms can go in and out of remission. Reinhart says she’s doing weekly bladder instillations, which is where a doctor inserts a catheter filled with medicine into a person’s urethra to help relax pelvic and bladder muscles to treat symptoms.

Ummm.....

A) this is the most common process to diagnose IC, so there wouldn't be "believe", there'd be a diagnosis

B) There's surgery for it, even if you don't have tumors

C) They'd also try (AGAIN) lifestyle choices to first help her symptoms.....just they're all lifestyle choices she's not interested in

D) "Can" with an average person, going to their HMO clinic. This isn't the case, seems like PP goes to the doctor every fuckin' day. They'd have lonnnnggg diagnosed this. Moar like her UTI never went away (cuz didn't finish meds) and, again, she's doctor shopping for pain pills

“No one ever knows what that is when I talk about it,” Reinhart says. “But my urogyno is telling me so many women have this, and that’s why I think it’s as important as it is to just be like, ‘Hey, I’m dealing with it too.’”

Or nobody GAF, PP.....there's plenty of info out there....which is why you've self-diagnosed yourself with it. Time to leave WebMD!

This past fall, Reinhart released a skin care line called Personal Day—amid everything *gestures tiredly* going on. It was borne from her struggles with cystic acne, something she’s dealt with since childhood, and the search for products that won’t make her skin flip out. (The website features an “ingredient checker” that allows you to input a skin or beauty product’s ingredient list and flag potential acne-triggering add-ins.)

When I ask her how she wants her line to make people feel, she pauses. “I hope they feel seen,” she says. “People with acne don’t feel seen, and also don’t want to be seen, when they’re breaking out. So I really do hope the products make people feel that their feelings towards acne are very real, and that these products were crafted by people who understand.”

Time to plug her overpriced, not selling snake oil!!!! I mean, how else is PP supposed to pay for her doctor shopping???

As our conversation shifts toward the ways that highlighting her health struggles might help others, Reinhart’s demeanor shifts. It’s clear she’s nursing some raw, emotional wounds, and understandably so, but she’s now more animated—and her voice doesn’t waver. “I feel strong and happy about the mental health advocacy that I’ve done, and I feel happy that I’m about to bring physical health into that conversation because I know that getting help for women over the next four years is going to be exponentially more difficult,” she says. “Listen to your body, and don’t take no for an answer. Don’t let a doctor tell you that nothing’s wrong when you know that there is.”

Yes, yes.....wise, highly educated and intellectual PP is also literally jeebus, helping others by whining about her privileged white girl problems, shilling cults/snake oil and always reminding you, "don't believe that meanie doctor when he won't give you moar vicodin!!! You are the smarty smart!!!"

Reinhart says that when her grandmother went to see a health care provider around April 2024 for bloating and constipation, her doctors thought she was having digestive woes because she was 85—when cancer was the true culprit.

“She had symptoms in March and April and was diagnosed in September,” Reinhart says. “Yes, I’ve been dealing with an incredible amount of health issues the last few years, but I was never really feeling super motivated to talk about them until this happened.”

A few days after this interview, Reinhart’s grandmother, Corine Reinhart, passed away. “My grandmother knew something was wrong,” Reinhart tells me. “She said, ‘Run tests.’ I’m sure that a part of my advocacy for women must come from that.

Ummm....my mom's just 2 years younger....she's now cheated the grim reaper FOUR fuckin' times. It's been my experience in each instance they tend to veer waayyyy in the other direction of caution for old people-----when she had discomfit, she was rushed to the ER. Turned out she had a blockage and they saved her life (this was the most recent instance). So no, I'm calling bullshit.

Also, PP, all you have EVER talked about were health issues (and rampant, gross materialism, slutting around and shilling crap, buuut...). Plus again, WHY TF weren't you there with her?

“I just think, Wow, damn…I’m so proud to be her granddaughter.”

And have another opportunity to co-opt somebody else's life/suffering for my own advancement....after having spent years ignoring her.

[violentviolette]

i think i have aspd or traits . but i dont wanna go to a psych and be like " btw here are my symptoms ive never told u about before , have fun ! ( insert the entire ASPD criteria here ) . sorry " because that makes me look bad & i appear the opposite ( passive , fearful , not aggressive ) , & dont want to appear as a threat and i most definitely dont want them to think im manipulating them when im not ( like for example when im just telling them my symptoms regarding other conditions ) . and i dont want to admit to committing crimes incase they report me or i have to go through a security clearance for job reasons and they go thru my stuff . anyways as far as anyones concerned i seem nice but weird but not the type of person to have those kinds of symptoms , and i want it to keep my Good Girl(tm) image . but also . i dont want to start having legal issues , become dependent on substances , pursue any illegal occupation , etc since it would suck to get caught and im only 21 so i keep trying my best to avoid it everytime i almost continue with it , but i need help bad lol . any idea of what i should or can do ? anything helps

okay real talk but literally do exactly the opposite of everything ur doing and also get out of ur own head and stop overanalyzing every thought u have to find justifications for not doing the very simple basic first step towards what u know is the right thing to do but just dont want to because being vulnerable feels yucky and ur scared

i say this with genuine compassion and no judgement because i *absolutely* did and still sometimes do the same thing but unfortunately the only way to get urself out of that cycle is to get over urself and touch grass (encouragingly) so that u just Do The Thing u know u need to do

being open and honest with a therapist about ur thoughts and feelings is the only way to get any actual positive growth or help out of it. u cant fix what u dont talk about and keeping it all to urself will only drive u more and more insane. staying cooped up inside ur own mind without telling other ppl what ur thinking out loud creates a feedback loop of crazy. u gotta hear urself talk to another person sometimes to actually really *hear* urself, u know? ur brain is where the crazy is and u cant stay there alone and expect it to work out and get better. u have to talk it out and be confronted and challenged with other viewpoints to realize where urs are disordered if u look for reasons not to do something u will absolutely find them, and while i could offer rebuttels to a lot of ur concerns, things like how ur medical records and psych details are not that detailed. u doing illegal behavior like stealing or doing drugs is not something that gets listed on those and falls under patient confidentiality. the only thing that gets documented is the official diagnoses name which most therapists are going to be very reluctant to hardline diagnose someone with aspd (and even then it only gets logged with that practice and submitted to ur insurance only if ur seeking care like meds or hospital stays or get incarcerated. otherwise, if u dont tell someone "i saw dr.x at yclinic from 2019-2022, then they have no way of knowing or finding out what that dr wrote on their internal records/notes. there is no centralized database of "medical history" outside of ur insurance company and specific practices internal networks) individual symptoms like "illegal activity" do not get listed and unless ur planning on enrolling in the military or working for the feds no job is looking more deeply than that into ur history unless u personally volunteer it. what comes up when specific companies do background checks with a medical history is ur insurance records. ur insurance only knows what gets submitted to them specifically, if ur therapist doesnt file paperwork with ur insurance to list aspd as a diagnosis they are looking for ur insurance to pay them to treat u for specifically (instead of more generalized things like "depression" "anxiety" or just "mental health care" ect, which they have to get ur permission to do) then there's no paper trail of what u two talk about in that office or how ur "good girl" image is legitimately worthless garbage and will grant u absolutely nothing in life and clinging to it in the false hope that other ppls perceptions of u will change who u actually are and make u happy is only gonna lead u to looking at ur shitty unhappy life in 5 years and being filled with nothing but regret and anger and wanting to kill urself or that while u cant know or control how ur therapist sees u or reacts to the things u share with them, u can control who they are. if u fuck up with this therapist or it takes a turn u dont like or they start treating u badly, u can very much just get another one. u can request a different person at the same clinic for any reaosn or u could switch clinics entirely. most insurance in the us is taken by more than 1 provider in an area and there are almost always multiple practices that take the local insurance. and even then, if u wanna drive 45mins to see a therapist a town over cause u burned a bridge with this one u can do that. ur not beholden to a single person, u can get dozens and dozens of opinions. ive had over 15 different therapists in my life. if u fuck up with one u can always get another

but all those rebuttals dont really matter because if u want to, i have no doubt u could find counter points to all those points. i know i could if i tried. so really it just comes down to the simple question of are u going to keep standing in ur own way or are u going to cut the bullshit and take it seriously and do the hard thing because u know its what u need to do? ur young still, uve got so much time, dont waste more of it waiting for the perfect solution or situation because it will never exist. do it now, do it messy, do it scared, fuck it up and get it wrong a bunch, and then try again and again until it works

[oraclekleo]

Free Tarot Readings

Status: CLOSED

Available free requests: X

(1 reading per request!)

!! Attention !!

The types of tarot readings I don’t do:

Aura Readings

Questions where there's only one correct answer (is someone dating, etc.)

What someone unknown to me thinks

Emergency readings (tarot is about long-term self-development and growth, it's not an emergency solution to your issues)

Readings about a relationship in between two people, when the querent isn't one of them

Time of death

Mental disorders, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, abuse

!! Rules and conditions !!

The querent has to be at least 15 years old or older (I can't check with anons but, please follow this rule)

For Celebrity tarot readings, the celebrity has to be 21 years old or older (I will check)

Before requesting a free tarot reading, please, LIKE and REBLOG the Pinned Post (All you need to know)!

Feedback is mandatory from now on! If you want to request again next time, I'm gonna kindly ask you to comment on the completed reading you asked for. Even if it's just 👍 or 👎 emoji.

Anonymous requests are allowed for free readings if you follow the rules above.

!! Disclaimer !!

Tarot isn’t an exact science. I can’t ever guarantee any of it. I don't meet any of my querents or celebrities in person. All the tarot readings have purely light-hearted or entertainment purpose. Don’t base important life decisions on tarot readings only. I’m not a therapist, physician, medical expert or psychiatrist. If you are facing serious mental or physical health issues, seek a professional and don’t rely on tarot readings only.

Free Tarot Reading Requests

Only specific types of tarot readings are offered for free.

Free readings list:

Celebrity Kinky Reading

This is a basic 5-question spread describing a person from a more spicy point of view.

Questions

Their position (dom / sub / switch / no power play role / vanilla / etc.)

Their libido / sex drive

Their turn-on

Their kink

Their dirty secret

To request for this reading please hit the TALK TO ME button and specify which reading you want and for which celebrity.

Free readings are offered with no deadline as I will naturally prioritise the paid readings and complete the free ones in between.

This is a digital content only, no physical item will be shipped to you.

Free celebrity readings are going to be posted publicly.

Personal Kinky Reading

This is a basic 5-question spread describing a person from a more spicy point of view.

Questions

Your position (dom / sub / switch / no power play role / vanilla / etc.)

Your libido / sex drive

Your turn-on

Your kink

Your dirty secret

To request for this reading please hit the TALK TO ME button and specify which reading you want and state some personal data about yourself like your astrological signs for example. I need at least some clues about you. I can’t look into your eyes and see your personality that way, so please give me at least something to work with.

Free readings are offered with no deadline as I will naturally prioritise the paid readings and complete the free ones in between.

This is a digital content only, no physical item will be shipped to you.

Free personal readings are going to be posted publicly unless you ask me to send the results to you via email. If you wish your results to stay private and be sent to you via email, please include your email address in the request or contact me directly through my email oraclekleo@gmail.com.

Celebrity Current Energy Reading

This is an overall general reading on the current energy of a person.

I use both tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I include pendulum and runes if I feel called to do so.

To request for this reading please hit the TALK TO ME button and specify which reading you want and state the name of the celebrity you want the reading for.

Free readings are offered with no deadline as I will naturally prioritise the paid readings and complete the free ones in between.

This is a digital content only, no physical item will be shipped to you.

Free celebrity readings are going to be posted publicly.

Personal Current Energy

This is an overall general reading on the current energy of a person.

I use both tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I include pendulum and runes if I feel called to do so.

To request for this reading please hit the TALK TO ME button and specify which reading you want and state some personal data about yourself like your astrological signs for example. I need at least some clues about you. I can’t look into your eyes and see your personality that way, so please give me at least something to work with.

Free readings are offered with no deadline as I will naturally prioritise the paid readings and complete the free ones in between.

This is a digital content only, no physical item will be shipped to you.

Free personal readings are going to be posted publicly unless you ask me to send the results to you via email. If you wish your results to stay private and be sent to you via email, please include your email address in the request or contact me directly through my email oraclekleo@gmail.com.

Personal channelled message from guides / guardian angels / deities / spirits / ancestors

This reading will channell any kind of message your guides, guardian angels, deities, spirits or ancestors want you to know at the moment.

I use both tarot and oracle cards, sometimes I include pendulum and runes if I feel called to do so.

To request for this reading please hit the TALK TO ME button and specify which reading you want and state some personal data about yourself like your astrological signs for example. I need at least some clues about you. I can’t look into your eyes and see your personality that way, so please give me at least something to work with.

Free readings are offered with no deadline as I will naturally prioritise the paid readings and complete the free ones in between.

This is a digital content only, no physical item will be shipped to you.

Free personal readings are going to be posted publicly unless you ask me to send the results to you via email. If you wish your results to stay private and be sent to you via email, please include your email address in the request or contact me directly through my email oraclekleo@gmail.com.

Custom or Individual Tarot Readings

Of course it’s possible to ask for any type of tarot reading as long as it follows the rules. Please understand, that these may be charged depending on the complexity of your question(s) and the time needed for me to give you answers. I will always consult with you beforehand and let you know whether your request is free of charge or not so you can decide.

Some of the non-listed readings I also do:

Relationships

Career

Wealth

Self-care

Self-love

Self-development

Progress

Healing

Inner child communication

Feminine or masculine aspects

Journey clarification

Future child

Dream meaning / analysis

Communication with the subconscious or higher self

+ more

I use multiple decks of tarot, oracle, Lenormand, kipper and rune cards in my practice. I’m also able to use a pendulum. I can assemble a person's numerological profile. I’m familiar with Chinese zodiac, Blood Type, MBTI, Numerology and Western Zodiac Compatibility calculations.

I’m more than happy to consult, brainstorm and help with tarot interpretations.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me through my inbox or email oraclekleo@gmail.com!

[sophieinwonderland]

Do you know how to cut down on headmate count? We’re disordered but we’ll take any tips if you have them. If not feel free to ignore this!

Not really. The general method is fusion, but we aren't sure how to do actually do that.

Some tulpamancers thought they could "dissipate" tulpas, but given that dissipated tulpas have come back over a decade later... that's not actually reliable. It's also absolutely terrible in most forms and takes a huge emotional toll on the system. Would not advise this at all.

I don't think system count is as important as it's made out to be though.

I'll preface this by saying that we have a very small non-disordered system so our experiences aren't universally appliable. But I think one thing that helped us deal with the growth of our (admittedly very small) system was realizing that we didn't need to pay attention to everyone at the same time. That they would still be there later if we needed them, and wouldn't be hurt unless we were actively ignoring them or shutting them out.

When our headmates want to or do something, it's important to validate and work with them. But we don't feel obligated to include everyone all the time.

And, at least from what I've heard of many large systems, this does somewhat hold up with the larger systems as well, where even as your system size increases, you'll have many headmates who just aren't active most of the time. And that's okay. (Just, again, don't actively shut anyone out as that can be harmful.)

I'm sorry if this is getting too rambly. I guess my main point is that, based on what I've heard from larger systems, system size may be less important than "active system size." That is, the number of headmates who are active and involved with daily life. Having a hundred headmates isn't as much of a problem if you still only have about 7-or-so active members on any given day.

Again though, you should probably ask more advice from other systems with large system counts, and systems with experience in fusion if fusion is the route you seek. Because both of these things are beyond my own experiences and area of expertise. I wish you the best of luck. 💖

[girl4music]

Speaking of Angel and the whole split-divide of his identity/personality. There is something said in Xena that I think is very relevant to the way Angel deals with his past and the insanely evil things he has done in it.

So in the episode ‘Who’s Gurkhan” a character called Eve who has lived a double life as Livia: The Bitch of Rome tells a story about how she once visited Gurkhan’s harem to sell women as slaves. As she’s telling the story, she doesn’t seem at all uncomfortable by it. She doesn’t recoil in disgust, she doesn’t fidget or try to avoid her emotions. She’s very calm and collected all the while telling the story of something really awful that she did in her past. And Gabrielle picks up on this and talks to Xena about it.

GABRIELLE: “Calm the way your daughter talks about her past.”

XENA: “She knows what I know. There’s nothing you can do to change the past. You can only work to make the future better.”

But you see… with the split-divide of identity/personality thing Angel has got going on with his evil alter ego Angelus… This doesn’t work. Not unless you think of Angel as Angelus disassociating from all his emotions for the sins of his past rather than embrace them. Remember, it’s Angelus cursed with a soul - a conscience. It’s not Angel cursed with a lack of conscience and impulse control. The evil person is what is cursed to become a good person. And Angel is the way for Angelus to do that. But if there’s no choice and no learning from it then there’s no point in it! The only way to think about it so the redemption story actually works is every time Angel talks about his actions as Angelus and specifically how calm and collected he is when doing so… he is narrating HIS actions. Not Angelus’. Not the actions of the demon that lives within him. HIM. His actions. And he has come to the same conclusion Xena and Eve have:

You can’t change what is done. Only what you do in working to make amends for what YOU have done. You can’t play identity/personality hot potato with it just because it suits the creative vision of the story. Especially when that story is showing you differently.

I hope… I HOPE… that this is what ‘Angel the Series’ is and not more rubbish about how he isn’t in control of his actions because that’s not the way Angel himself treats it. He treats everything Angelus has done as HIS FAULT. Not the fault of a demon. His fault as the individual HE is. Buffy and Co treat it very differently… “You’re not the demon.” Literally. They absolve the actions because they’re the actions of the demon - in which case Angelus has no reason to feel any guilt. Why would he? He is a villainous unremorseful demon separated from the tortured heroic remorseful Angel.

No, I’m sorry. But I can’t and I won’t do that with him. I will continue to “Angel/Angelus” the context. But I will not separate them based on their consciousness. I will treat it the same way I treat Willow/Dark Willow. Absolutely the same entity and the same individual. But dramatically changed in identity and personality. Angelus is not the person that he was anymore. He changed. But he is not separate and divided from Angelus indefinitely. I refuse to think of him that way because if I do, then his redemption story is pointless.

Angel/Angelus is either The Two Ships of Theseus or nothing. ‘Innocence’ is either rape or nothing. Angel narrating his past and feeling guilty about it and then when he loses his soul again is suddenly a homocidal maniac again is a split-personality disorder or nothing!

There is no damn demon in Angel. Angelus IS the evil doer and he has a forced nonconsensual growth spurt. This is Angel. This is what he represents. It might look like a possession, but it isn’t. And if that whole “the human dies and becomes possessed by a demon” shit carries on in Angel’s show… then it will be trashed immediately because you can’t tell a redemption story and absolve the person searching for redemption from their evil actions by claiming it’s just demonic possession at the exact same time they’re saying “I did this evil” and “This is MY fault”.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I will simply treat it as the ‘BtVS’ Gang are very wrong and clearly misinformed on the true nature of the vampire - otherwise Spike, Druscilla, Harmony, Darla, Holden and literally every other significant vampire we spend any time with in ‘Buffy’ and ‘Angel’ are the massive inconsistency in the lore instead. You have evil vampires in Buffy - of course you do. But that’s because the vampire chooses to be evil. It’s not because they inherently are evil. It’s just a choice of which is easier to make because of a lack of conscience and impulse control. Angel doesn’t choose to be evil every time his soul goes missing. He becomes evil because it IS missing. THAT is the inconsistency in the lore. And if the writing in ‘Angel the Series’ treats it as if it isn’t… Then I’m done with watching it before I even start it because it insults my intelligence and the love that I have for Spike for choosing to do the most difficult thing of all. For choosing to do good when his nature is to do evil.

[that-bipolar-mood]

Hi there,

I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).

About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.

I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.

I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.

We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.

I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.

Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.

- Jackalope

Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.

To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.

Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.

Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:

1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).

2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).

3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.

4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.

So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.

I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."

I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.

I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.

<3

[yesfxckyxu]

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐌 / 𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒.

Did they believe in Santa?: I'll split this into two sections: one for the general idea as to if he would, and the other for his canonical universe. For the general idea, I can see him being open to a possibility that something could exist like that, however he would defintitely be leaning more into thinking it is hogwash. Because as much as he would find himself fasinated by a concept as that, he's far more skeptical and inclined to think that the majority of the stories shared are painted to look pretty. So, keep in mind, despite that I know this refers to him believing in this when he was a kid - concepts like this would linger further than the traditional 'growth'.

Even with that in mind, he would still be that one kid that would just blurt out: 'yeah, but Santa ain't real loser.' Which will only lead down a rabbit-hole in itself because of his mentality.

For the second part of this, it goes further into his canon reality. The concept here, is that the very idea of 'Santa' doesn't exist. Which many might find odd since there is a similar tradtion in place of what would be known as 'Christmas'. Instead, imagine a month that is just a pure mixture of Thanksgiving and Christmas for the season. And, unlike our world, the celebration of this month isn't as strong due to the conditions of Jack's world.

Everyday for the whole month, it is meant to celebrate the gift of life and time spent with those that matter. This holiday had been founded on the idea of peace during the 'utopian era' in his world. But when things fell apart, not many people found the same joys in giving like they did before - simply because there isn't much to give anymore. The label for this sort of holiday is rooted around 'Almsgiving', but many would also refer to it as 'Month Of Alms'.

Were they a dinosaur or rock kid?: Jack as a kid/young teen would 100% be the type to wear a dinosaur onsie, so, that says something.

Bugs or slimy critters?: He'd pick bugs mainly because he would hate the feeling of something slimy. Funnily enough, Jack isn't really a huge bug guy, though there might be a few he wouldn't mind too much over the others.

Do they fidget? How?: Jack is the type that needs to keep moving unless he has a goal in mind. Which usually either means he's hyperfixed on something or he's in a partular 'I have a target' mentality. But when he'd bored or has a moment that interupts his hyperfixed focus - he tends to shift around a lot ( if he were sitting ); tapping his foot, playing with the ends of his sleeves, and even at some points, checking through the apps on his phone. Does not like being bored and having nothing to do.

What were they frequently in trouble for as a child?: Yuuup, he would be labeled even today as a deliquent of sorts. He cares little for social norms and rules, but he will play along with them if he has something to gain in return. As a kid, his conduct disorder would be far above than what he is like today. At least, when it comes to social interactions.

What underwear do they like?: Boxer briefs that are a comfy fit. He doesn't truly have a preference towards what they look like, but he does prefer the ones that are not loose to a certian extent.

Designs on clothing or no?: He does like designs, but only if they are unique and personalized. Jack is one that dislikes brands, so when people wear brands or attires heavily associated as company merchendise, he tends to treat them like they are solely there to promote that product or company. He is very critical on what he wears, since he aims for orginality.

Birthmarks?: none.

Do they have good self control?: This depends on perspective if anyone were to see him overreacting to something, or simply being impulsive in general. Which may be contradictory with even using the word 'impuslive', since that can be a debate in itself. Jack is indeed impuslve, though he also has good self control, when it comes to circumstances that he knows calls for it. So, to put it simply: he is impulsive when he feels the consquences are not that dire to be so. Otherwise, he can show a side that is far more caculating.

Favorite franchise?: none.

Do they re-enact scenarios in the shower?: Jack can be someone that overthinks, since truthfully, he doesn't stop thinking. This is a curse and a blessing to someone like him. He would re-enact scenarios mainly for reasons to re-analyze the conversation and how that other person(s) reacted to him. Due to this, he attempts to see any holes in any arguement, his own stance of the matter and even the other involved. Not only does he tend to re-enact scenarios, but he plans them.

Do they tell the waiter that their order is wrong?: I think this one heavily depends on his mood, but Jack would tell the waiter is wrong in a kind fashion. As much as he may be a jerk or an intentional bully to most, waiters and waitresses get a free pass from him. On days that he doesn't tell the waiter(ess) they are wrong, he may take the food home with him as well as leave a bit extra as a tip.

Stairs or elevator?: It's an even 50/50 on this one. He don't care.

Are they an exaggerator when telling stories?: Both intentionally and unintentionally, honestly. If he wants to make the story have some spazz or flavor, he'd tell it with exaggeration and various tones to his voice - all to set the mood of the story. Other times, when it's unintentionally, that one falls more on faulty memory than anything. Generally, he's an honest story-teller, but when he adds those white lies it's more to cover certain facts that he feels should be private.

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆: @sapphiresands @feraecor @serenxtyinsxlence @eraba-reta-unmei @descendingxintoxdarkness ( you pick ) @stxrving-scientist @unladielike @aesthetiquement thanks for the tag, @s-talking !

[random-void-thoughts]

An Open Letter to Stolas Goetia

Dear Stolas Goetia,

It’s been over a year since we broke up. In that time, I’ve done a lot of personal growth and self-reflection, especially when it comes to our relationship.

Our relationship was never going to work out. Our needs were mutually exclusive. You needed to express your affection through inherently sexual acts. I needed to express my affection through quality time outside of sex. You couldn’t process my love for you unless sex was involved, not in a way that mattered, and I couldn’t process your love for me because our relationship was built upon sex. You needed monogamy, I needed polyamory. Our needs were at odds with one another, and that meant one of us had to sacrifice our needs for the other’s happiness. That wasn’t healthy for either of us. It was only a matter of time before something finally gave. I understand that now.

 But that’s far from the most important thing I realized.

You hurt me. What you did during our relationship hurt me. The fact that you frequently objectified me as the main love interest in your sexual fantasies, to the point that it interfered with your quality time with your own daughter, hurt me. The fact that you never listened to my boundaries, never respected my wishes to not be called “Blitzy” in public, hurt me. You made me so uncomfortable in so many ways during our relationship that I sometimes wonder how I fell in love at all. But most of all, the fact that you made my business and, by extension, my livelihood dependent on our continued sexual relationship hurt me. The fact that it was needlessly co-dependent hurt me more than you can imagine. Nothing that you do will ever undo that pain. I have to work through that on my own now.

But I don’t hate you for it. Not anymore. I used to. I held so much resentment in my heart for you after coming to terms with all the ways in which you hurt me, so much so that you actually had power over my heart. In a way, you got what you wanted. For me to always need you. But I’ve finally broken free. I’m no longer shackled by my resentment, nor my desire for things to have already been better before. I’m better now, and though I’m going to hold you accountable, I don’t want to resent you anymore.

I only wish that our relationship had ended on my terms instead of yours. That way I could have made the preparations ahead of time to ensure I never had to worry about my business crumbling. Not that it did, but the worry would have been nice to avoid. But I can’t change the past, only work through it. And I fully intend to.

For the longest time, I hated myself for not moving on. Now that I have moved on, I think I’ve finally found inner peace, and I want to maintain that peace, even if we’re forced into the same space. I don’t ever want to date you in the future, and you’ll be lucky if I ever decide to have sex with you after everything that you put me through, but I want our bond to be ambivalent at worst, should we ever meet again.

I’m part of a collective now. This twenty-year-old human body with dissociative identity disorder managed to psychically pull my soul from our reality into theirs, one where the afterlife is uncertain and the stars yield no prophecies. This pocket dimension inside our now shared mind is where all those people have been disappearing to. All of them join me here, in this communal body, alongside the half-dozen others who had been here before me. Maybe someday you’ll be here too, if you aren’t already. With the way things are going, it’s highly likely, so if you’re not here and you’re somehow reading this, you should probably start getting your affairs in order. It might be your last chance.

Whether I see you again or not, I hope you’re healing as well as I am. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Sincerely, Blitzø Knolastname he/fuck

[sysciety]

This is the same anon, thank you for answering my question! It was very helpful. Maybe this was mentioned in one of the articles you cited (we have been reading them but progress is slow😅), but is there empirical evidence for the claim that dissociated parts are /always/ fused before a specific cutoff age unless there is trauma? We’re mostly confused by the specific age part, especially since what that specific age is is often reported differently. The idea of a specific cut-off age also seems unprovable (and unfalsifiable, at least while the response to people with DID claiming to have had the disorder formed after the cut-off is “you just don’t remember your earlier trauma or you’re lying”).

Thanks again!

I honestly think this has more to do with general brain development. 90% of your brain is developed by age 5 which is why early childhood experiences can have such a large impact on someone later on.

I'll say flat out that I'm not a neuroscientist and that I'm not an expert in childhood development. But I think the cut off range is more about the sheer amount of growth that you do at those early ages.

By 7-11 your brain is 95% developed, which is much less growth than that first time interval. By 5-8 is when a child's prefrontal cortex (critical thinking/decision making part of the brain) starts to become more active. It's not developed before then because your brain is trying to figure out basic functions just to like, live in general. When people say identity is integrated by 6-9 it's because it really does depend on when the integration starts to kick in.

You're gonna notice a lot of these are ranges and not specific numbers because brain development varies due to different factors (developmental disorders might mean something like a delay in speech, for example). I've seen some people say an identity should be formed at 6 and that 6-9 is to account for developmental disorders but I don't know the validity of that. I don't have a study for you to back this up so I can't tell you with certainty that 9 is the upper bound.

I will say as you get older you start developing non-dissociation coping mechanisms. In general being dissociation-prone increases the odds of a CDD so unless you've already been doing that I think the odds of developing one outside that range aren't high

The formation of CDDs is also a slow thing that I think ultimately depends on how that initial stage of integration is disrupted. Repetitive trauma doesn't even always cause CDDs it's a pretty complicated process.

So I guess to answer your question there isn't really a hard age cut off, but if there is no disruption then it will happen eventually. For some reason I was having a hard time finding if there is any concrete evidence but I did find this pamphlet on helping your child form an identity which might be helpful? Not sure if it's what you're looking for but I'll leave it here anyway: https://www.patterson-lakes-ps.vic.edu.au/uploaded_files/media/2.helping_your_child_to_have_a_strong_sense_of_identity_.pdf

(Also I know the sources from the last ask are pretty dense I totally get it if reading takes a while but I don't think it's mentioned in anything I linked if you were looking for it specifically)