#unfortunately i just dont know how not to do all that so i guess im stuck like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

carcarrot · 4 months

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do i really want to make individual drinks again

#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe #in preparation for the possibility of this new job #it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly #but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much #not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers #godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao #but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less #but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that #like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know #a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice #i dont knowwwwwww #like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks #which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here #and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff #its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options #so thats good. less to worry about #doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe #here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it #the hours are like. the same i work now. also good #sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him #but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway #i just gotta see if i get good vibes #rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me #oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore #lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt

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echo-s-land · 5 months

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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

#vent ig #i wish i could #but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i #wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the #short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent #but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar #and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie #we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant #the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and #'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT #NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up #on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as #a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened #i hate feeling apathetic #and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them #cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life

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gibbearish · 1 month

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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest

#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression #both on its own and as a companion to ssris #psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression #so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default #state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it #origibberish #also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my #psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant #might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time #and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went #'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick #like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows #'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when #trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time #ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations #om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL #they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk #it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN #this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god #just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is #really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would #then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that #of withdrawal. a famously shit experience

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orcelito · 2 months

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Gencon is very busy...!!!

Ummmmm highlights of the day..!!!

I maybe bought 4 Naruto figurines. Thankfully not individually expensive (though perhaps a little expensive all together...) see I wanted Sasuke but I also wanted Kakashi and I couldn't have Sasuke without Naruto and well it would feel wrong to have the 3 of them without Sakura and so I somehow. Got all 4. Haha. I'll most likely post pics later, whenever I end up opening them. I'm still at the convention center rn lol

(Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it got a little long lol)

I was on the field of the Lucas Oil Stadium, aka the stadium that the Indianapolis Colts play at. I've attended all of One game here (not professional football, it was a high school game lol) so I've felt the size of it, but it's still fucking crazy being on the field. It's so BIG...... and obviously they've got the grass covered rn, but it's still pretty cool!!!

I maaaade dice!!! Pretty precise process it seems, & definitely would require a Lot of work (after the sanding and the painting etc etc). I do still wanna get into it, but if I wanted to spring for stuff like the vacuum chamber or the pressure pot...

Yeah, it'd get expensive. Add in the fact that I don't have a good place to do this away from the cats & it really is not feasible to start rn. But!!! Eventually!!!! I think I'd really enjoy it. I just need a dedicated workshop space where I can spread out without worrying about poisoning my cats lol.

Here's some cool game set stuff I saw in the event hall. This picture is maybe... hm... a fourth of the event hall? And then when you consider that the vender hall (connected to the event hall, though it's closed right now) is maybe 1.5 times as big as the event hall?? Give or take a little...

Aka just imagine booths upon booths upon booths... I'm gonna have to take a pic of it tomorrow. I was there too briefly to think about taking a pic. Honestly I maybe managed to get through like a tenth of the whole vender hall in an hour of wandering. It's fucking huge. And So Many Dice... I bought one set of 14 (I think it was) dice. Aka an extended set. And then I got a random set bag of dice (just a basic 7). And then a d20 with a cat on it. And a dice of LETTERS. Aka I guess a d26 (I totally did not have to double check that there were 26 letters in the alphabet)(I have 702k words written & posted to ao3)(😂😂😂 I'm very tired) but with letters instead of numbers. And it's glow in the dark!!! And I found some hxh buttons, and a mighty nein poster, and uhmmmm. A cute lanyard. And that's all I bought. Which really is such restraint for me. (Omfg I just saw a dragon cosplay)(someone just dressed as a dragon)

OH YEAH I saw a fucking. Persona 5 Ryuji cosplay. Hanging out with the biker lady from Durarara. Featuring the Ryuji holding her scythe hfksbfmd which was such a funny image. I was too shy to ask for a pic but just trust 🙏 i saw this

Anyways yeah the only real big thing I bought is the naruto figurines. I'll show pics later once I got the stuff again (I dropped it all off in the car earlier)

Omfg literally as I've been sitting here (on a bench at the side of a main hallway) someone stopped by and gave me a handmade bracelet !!!

DND's 50th anniversary!!! So cute!!!!

#speculation nation #not Too much anime stuff. tho i clearly found some stuff. no trigun yet unfortunately 😔#which i already walked thru the artist area (as much as i could)(i was getting a little stressed by how crowded it was)#so idk maybe i missed a booth or smth but it'd definitely be less likely to see elsewhere in the vender's hall #but WHO KNOWS it's a wonderful massive world in there.#im actually sitting outside it rn and staring longingly at the closed doors. tomorrow... i will be able to Actually peruse it more...#and i will quite possibly wear some ear plugs next time bcus i was getting Stressed Out!!! overstimulated!!!!#pulled in a million different directions!!!!! aaaaaaa!!!!#anyways yeah my events are all done for the night. just kinda hanging out now waiting for my sister's game to be done.#gonna collapse into bed as soon as we get back. so i should probably eat some more.#i had an overpriced and underwhelming sandwich. but there is pizza somewhere. maybe i should eat pizza.#i actually... still have the keys lol. from when i dropped the stuff off at the car earlier.#which is weird. I have the ticket to home with me. but i still wait. bc it would be a dick move to leave with them lol #and also. while i Can drive. i do not have my license. so that would be. a bad. idea.#my shoulders Huuuuurt but thankfully i dont have any combat classes tomorrow #hurting shoulders is more just from my bag bc my shoulders fucking suck. but it makes me glad i can rest more tomorrow.#oh yeah i did the sword knife and longsword today. might get bruises from that knife one. it was very focused on parrying #swords. swords. swords. swords. the longsword class made me really want to own a longsword. i dont own one. yet.#i could. i could. i could. sometime. eventually. i want a longsword. i think i technically just own uhmmm um um #a rapier? a machete? a uh. i dont know what that cheap anime convention sword is actually. OH YEA AND CANE SWORD #no longsword though. i really want to own a katana too. someday i'll own both. someday.#real swords are unfortunatelly really expensive. thats why i only have uh. uh. uhhh. oh yeah i do have those 2 swords from mountains trip #i dont really know what those are either. you know i really should know what bladed weapons i own. i dont though.#i own cool swords and knives bc oooh fun pointy things! wheeeeee!!!#i'll study up on it later. lol.#anyways i guess i should go look for more food. i have rambled enough. bye!

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scringee · 3 months

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#this is a vent so don't read the tags if you dont want to #im really like. scared i guess is the right word #not going to try and make this about myself at all the problem im having is i literally dont know who I'm meant to vote for this year #unfortunately i know my dad and hes a vote blue no matter who kind of guy and i just can't #i cant vote for fucking biden this year not after hes been funding and backing a genocide #and its been like #genuinely hard #whst do i do? who do i vote for if it comes down between fucking. trump or biden #i know if i dont vote trump will win but if i do vote i bring someone complicit in aiding Isreal in an ethnic cleansing #thats terrifying #why did i have to have my first election where im able to vote the fucking Mussolini v Stalin #i hate this i hate the world because then every post rn is about project 2025 and how if i dont vote biden im basically voting for trump #i just dont know what to do. it makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach #fuck everything in the world right now #we're so cooked #vent #scringee mouth

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pepprs · 1 year

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ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do

#purrs #i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life #situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to #drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a #stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well.#i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i #am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone #and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good.#delete later #that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd #this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be #neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority #and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol.#24 year old dependent moment <3 #well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will #never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰#side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester #starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like #this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it #would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or #anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol #well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3

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dandyshucks · 8 months

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the dollar store did not have much for felt or fabric but i managed to scrounge everything i needed except for guz.ma's skin colour :(

i CAN make the janitor since they had a peach colour but I'll have to look around the house again to see if i can find anything that might work for guz's skin tone

#mannn dhfjfl unfortunately mother just did an amazon order the other day too #I could've added a bolt of the right colour felt to her order but i thought the store would have their big selection of felt sheets still 😭#they just had like... a big pile of felt and fabric all mixed together ?? idk what happened to their nice organized shelf :(#and they only had a little bit of felt fjdkdl it was mostly random patterned fabric #which would be fine and fun IF i had the skin bases done already bc then I'd just make silly little clothes for them #but unfortunately i need... the skin bases first fjfkfl to fit the clothing to #i dont have a good yarn colour for him either bc then I'd just crochet a base fhfkdl but AUGHH #I have ... acrylic paint thats the right colour or a little darker i think. and pillows that im going to use for stuffing #so maybe if i take the stuffing out of one of the pillows then i can dye the fabric with acrylic paint ...#I've done that before when i couldnt find the right colour fabric for a project a couple yrs ago #so i know it works decently well 🤔 depends on how sturdy the pillow material is i guess hmmm #i think i might have a spare white pillowcase if the pillow fabric itself isnt sturdy enough ... HMMM this might still be doable #theres nothing like having very little access to supplies bc of money and small town to inspire creativity LMAO #u learn how to do a lot of weird shit dbdhfkfl necessity inspires ingenuity or whatever the saying is #(with all that said - if anyone ever has a craft project theyre stuck on and want help figuring out how to do smth i may be of use LMAO)#dandy.cmd

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daandori · 1 year

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another day of my mom telling me no one will ever love me ✌️

#the talkies #unfortunately i think im so upset bc i think she’s right lmao #just like when she tells me that ill never achieve anything unlike my friends who all seem to be managing #but up to this point she’s not wrong #my coworker leaning on me when she laughs is the closest thing to physical affection im clinging to #i guess the lonliness has been getting hard lately #and the only thing i know how to do is engross myself in fic or watching videos or whatever just so i dont have to think about my own life #anyways using tumblr as therapy substitute if it wasnt already obvious

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wannaremember · 1 year

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#i don't know how ill manage anything if what im anxious about happening does happen #and unfortunately i think it will #i hate everything so much #and i wish i was able to do anything else but everything needs experience that i dont have #and idk but i guess ill have to figure it out when it happens #the when part of it is killing me #also like why didnt they just put me out of my misery friday so i wouldn't be worrying all weekend and dreading monday #god...#i just want to [redacted] and idk what to do about anything #though tbf i never have #and despite the fact that i dont thinkg ive ever truly been happy or loved life much anyway #i genuinely feel like my time in [redacted] was still the best #missing it so much i want to go back 😭#and i also miss [redacted] so much #why does distance exist from people who would be there for me #i dont really have many people but the ones i do arent even here #and yeah my family will be here soon but tbh that makes it worse because i dont want them to know about this #but they will #i wish i could cry more easily because i need a good cry right now #and a hug #😭

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ieropski · 2 years

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i kinda didnt wanna buy an electric guitar until i was like fairly okay at guitar but guitar center has some big sale going on right now and im like ... 😳

#i guess i just dont wanna be in like the situation where i spend hundreds of dollars on a guitar and then i stop playing it #unfortunately its the kind of person i am #which is why the tag is #wazo guitar journey take 2 #like ive tried to learn guitar before and bailed on it #i also dont wanna like. have guitars for vanity ...??? if that makes sense #i do not know how to explain this #actually i think its fine to be a casual player and have a few because they're nice #you can be the worst player in the world but enjoy playing it. and id be like yes girl (gn) own a billion guitars #no different from like. having a ton of sneakers so long as you wear them every now and then #im a staunch 'if you buy it you should enjoy it' believer #but like i dont want to own guitars and never play them you get me???#i would like this to be a decades-long hobby for me #the problem which ive talked about before. is that i suck at sucking at things #anyways.#all this to say guitars are sexy and cheap right now #when i say sexy i mean like a guitar is a beautiful cool looking object #well. cheaper than usual i mean.#that was a lot of info that made no sense sorry #again. mute wazo guitar journey take 2 if you'd like #i like that most guitar buying guides are like 'start with the shape. you will become biased towards shapes and fall in love with shapes.'#instead of like 'this brand is xyz better in abc ways.'#anyways im thinking that les paul and jazzmaster and jaguar all look nice. sg's are hideous sorry.#edit: im gonna talk some more #i think im like set on this 'i have to be good at acoustic before electric' mindset become it seems more 'correct.' like how youre supposed #to read the book before watching the movie. but idk that that really applies to guitar? like most amazing guitarists today prob cant read #musical notation. which might seem 'correct' but who tf cares. if youre able to learn from tabs and youtube videos and sound amazing #much love to classical guitar (capricho arabe my beloved white whale) but my end goal here is to play the woody the woodpecker laugh LOL #sorry if ive been rude (?) here to acoustic/electric/classical/self-taught/lessons-believers alike. i just think its all pretty sick #also not saying any of those are mutually exclusive.

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toastsnaffler · 26 days

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I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.

#we're all just desperately chasing each other around for a semblance of connection in this cold bleak world #but unfortunately due to the relentless crushing pressures of capitalism we also have to work so no time for that #man. sorry just frustrated n miserable now. wish i was capable of feeling close to other ppl wish i could give other ppl that connection #but instead we're just ships in the night passing by or whatever #and i have to settle with not rly being known or wanted or important in other ppls lives and its forever. btw #bc even if ppl do think they know me or do want me around or i am important to them in some way.. the specific torture labyrinth i call #home is constructed in the most elegant and precise way that im incapable of believing them to be sincere anyway #so thats all on me! if I tried harder and made more of an effort to communicate with or trust ppl i wouldnt feel this way!#but i dont so better luck in the next life i guess! this is why i dont think abt this shit bc it makes me want to kms #whats even the point man #dont even worry abt me im fine just need to fucking vent bc i dont have time to allow myself to feel anything bc i have plans tmr #so i need to go to bed early. and ill just try my best to keep distracted forever so ill never need to face how pathetically desperate #i am for any kind of emotional intimacy whatsoever and also physical contact but im not normal enough to fulfil any of my own needs #yeah well. its my life that i have to live and im the one making it this way. digging my grave and lying in it innit #its fine tho bc they make repressed fictional characters that i can project onto instead of confronting any of my issues #so ill just be here in my labyrinth doing that. while everyone else gets to see sunlight and grass and whatever #im just so tired i dont want to do this i want to pretend i dont care and dont need it and maybe itll become true. its too much for me #let me know when they need me to pilot the jaeger and drift with someone and thru our mindmelding i can finally achieve intimacy and trust #well anyway. that was embarrassing. hope it works out for everyone else #hope my flatmate gets her ideal life w our other old flatmates and finds a convenient way of discarding me from that like they want #except im going to make it as difficult as possible for as long as i can for them to get rid of me bc im selfish and want what i want so.#my obligate parasite ass. or whatever. im going to throw up if i keep thinking so thats a good place to stop and go to sleep probably #.vent #dont interact im being stupid as fuck and dont care just leave me alone thanks

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enid-coleslaw · 1 month

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living with the consequences of my own (self-inflicted) stunted social development

#i don't know how much is my fault and how much is external factors of feeling awkward/shy but i do take a lot of responsibility #especially for isolating myself and not reaching out to friends...it really is an unfortunate cycle of me being too shy #and too scared to even reach out to others and then i had no social practice so i was even more scared #now im a senior in college and have no friends and have to start from scratch with all the new people i meet #kind of mourning that time i spent locked up in my room and not trying to socialize...it really set me back and now i have nothing #i had like one friend who would reach out and we'd get meals together but i was never good at maintaining that #so if they dont want to continue that's fair of them #but i guess its just embarrassing to have nothing to show for these years and maybe I can make some close friendships this last year #and who knows if those will last postgrad or if i'll just have to start over in a new situation/new job #i'm just mad at myself bc I've been doing a lot of socializing for school events this past few days and it's been pretty good #a few times ive been withdrawn but overall im proud of myself but it just makes me wonder what it'd be like if I'd gotten over this earlier

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red-dyed-sarumane · 1 month

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i'll write thousands of words in one post on a single aspect of aru sekai and do that relatively frequently & will still be surprised when people say they know me as the aru sekai person.

#what growing up ignored will do to a mother fucker. no matter how loud u are ur convinced no one hears u #anyway if im not constantly thinking of aru sekai who i am. its been almost 4 years of this. im in this for the long run #i still want to change my layout to the yamete kudasai chara but everytime i think that i end up having another rime moment #& i cant get rid of her. all according to her keikaku.#but i do love aru sekai series i would love to read other peoples theories. unfortunately half the theories i DO see #(in yt comments mostly bc its just no where else) no one has any reading comprehension so its like. half correct & a direct #reading of the text #some people absolutely are onto things tho. esp the person who pointed out the person vs thing aspect #before it was fully disclosed in songs #although i guess even now thats not immediately graspable if u dont know what ur looking for #its not even that aru sekai is super broad and cryptic #its that its so concise & as brief as possible about it that it ends up incomprehensible at first #but u get the slightest explanation and suddenly a lot of things make sense #& u sit there like oh shit they meant that LITERALLY not metaphorically #a story about the convergence of natural & man made disasters causing the worlds end can be something so special actually

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the-acid-pear · 4 months

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Why did my cooking dream get hijacked by my brain making a William Afton oc and au what was that about.

#luly talks #my dreams #I'll peace like i can recollect it was weird #bc it literally was ME BUYING GROCERIES W MY DAD but then the line between when we ended and Michael and William started blurred #i remember the grocery store very well also bc it was very similar to the one i go always to but smaller and more sepia #it was dark for a grocery store like it was just letting sunlight in #pears were half off like some black friday offer so all the products were suuuper cheap #i saw one bottle of milky pear juice for like 1k. and the same w these 4 stacks of frozen waffles who were like 1070.#or this bottle of pear pancake mixture that had 2 or 4 lts #it was kind of when i went away that thr lines started blurring so let me tell you what i remember about this Afton:#he didnt seem. murderous. he was grocery shopping w his kid for fuck's sake 😭 i think he was even sitting somewhere while i ran back and #forth taken aback by these offers? like kinda dismissive at best #uh. Henry was brought up believe it or not. it was like... they broke up or something? like he was kinda upset about the mention but like #in a i dont want to explain why im not with him rn sort of way #very insecure he seemed. like he run into this woman who might've been someone but idk who was whom asked sbout henry and bro was SWEATING #you'd say dream william was a fucking loser he just got locked in thinking like what do i say and HOW do i say it #to make it sound casual but also not weird.#bc on top of all he also seemed to have some weird gender things going on bc he first instinct when trying to explain himself to the woman #(who i cannot stress enough was super friendly like a fucking neighbor or something just going hey hi! hows da family? ^_^)#was to refer to them both as girls as this jokey comradery Let's Ignore The Topic thing before going No That's Bad I Can't Say That #this whole internal monologue in my dream happened in a sort of comic panel thing btw where shit went from these warm browns and greens and #shit from the grocery store to jarring black and whites and reds as William tried to have a straight thought #looks wise unfortunately not a lot going on.though considering this was literally my dream getting turned over can we say my Afton is argie #something something my turn stealing from them etc etc or whatever #uh. brown hair. but not too dark. it was greying and that was making it lighter. also very angular face as you'd expect #high cheekbones pretty eyebrows no facial hair. hair was a bit longuish tho? like a messy ear length maybe?#he had a button up w buttons lose bc it's so hot and humid rn also sunglasses which i know 100% was influenced bc the last design i rbed #a little.before napping #also he had age makes too though his age was most visible in his scrawny long exposed neck #me/mike change was minimal bc we're both pale and brunette hit tag limit so hope y'all like my brain's oc i guess 😭

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gurenkurosen · 4 months

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every social interaction is so multilayered!! i cant make everyone happy at once and im gonna lose my mind trying!! but i cant change my nature and cant help how i feel about people so i feel like i have to do it anyway!!!! and i keep doing it even though i dont even have energy for myself!!!!!!aaaaaaaaa.............

#venting again #its getting really really frustrating #every day im running all over this webbed site every couple hours to make sure my mutuals are still doing alright.....#which is unnecessary and inefficient at best and borderline kinda creepy at worst #no wonder i only have it in me to post once a week im freaking myself out for no reason all the time #and i dont want to leave anyone out or alienate them or anything so ive been way too careful with what i reblog too...#unfortunately i just dont know how not to do all that so i guess im stuck like this #this is also why i dont follow more people back. a lot of you are really cool i just cant keep up consistently with even my current mutuals

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be-good-to-bugs · 10 months

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i will be in hell world forever and that is ok i guess

#the bin #i am resigned to my fate unfortunately #maybe its easier to believe itll be like this forever. idk.#ive been so desolate for so long and i just cant get myself out of it at this point. and there is absolutely nobody to help me #people will say when youve reached a low point like that how important it is to reach out to the people around you who care about you for #help but who is there for me to reach out to? my sister? ive tried and it didnt matter and i dont want her help anymore #honestly. theres people caring about your concept because they know you and youre family and then theres actually caring about YOU #and there isnt anybody who cames about ME they just acre about the concept of me. not even the version of me they have in ybeir head #its just routine to 'care' about me. lik3 you would anybody. but its very surface level. doesnt go beyond wishing i SEEM ok #and not wanting particular harm to come to me. but they dont care about ME. the oerson i am. i guess it makes sense cause im not close #with literally anybody. i was never even actually close to my sister. i just felt pressured to tell her private stuff about me #every time after it felt coerced tho. like i felt tricked into doing it or forced to because shes so weird about everything #ugh. her being so weird has made it so much harder to socialize with anyone else #i dont even want to ask her for transportation to places to socialize because she makes me so uncomfortable #and the only other people i have to talk to are family members who i cant talk to about it becasue shes their family too #:( ive hit a new low somehow! yay...#ugh. i dont even have online friends to talk to. i wish i did but i could never. im not interesting to talk to online at all #just like. objectively. my anxiety makes my type like the most boring person ever online and ut sucks #maybe i could try again if i used voice chat but idk. then id have to meet people. im tired of being so lonely though :(#i wanna just play minecraft or smth with some people and forget abt how sad i am for once because i havent been able to for years

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