#some people absolutely are onto things tho. esp the person who pointed out the person vs thing aspect

[red-dyed-sarumane]

i'll write thousands of words in one post on a single aspect of aru sekai and do that relatively frequently & will still be surprised when people say they know me as the aru sekai person.

[wickedpact]

Crim pls do a J/N fic rec post at some point in the future I trust you more than I trust myself looking rouge through AO3

im kinda eh abt the concept of fic recs myself just bc the whole 'Different Strokes For Different Folks' thing (idk how many times someone i liked in a fandom made a fic rec list and i ended up not liking anything they posted). plus i have weirdly specific tastes and i.. .. honestly havent read a ton of joenicky fic! (i have a FAT to-read list) but ive been asked this a couple times now so i will slap together a couple joenicky fics i like (not comprehensive, i only spent like 15 minutes making this. also not in any particular order.)

Kiss Each Other Clean by moodlighting

i like this whole fic, but the last 6 or so paragraphs in particular SEND ME TO SPACE, i love cuddling. also [joe voice] nickel neekee

what you seek is seeking you by bankrobbery

i actually recced this one once before. idk its cute i just Like It. (also nicky pretending not to know english bc a customer is pissing him off is Very Funny and i love it)

with every inch of my heart by smilebackwards

i like this one a lot, i think nickys pov should Always be this tender. i dont like miscommunication trope much, (esp with joenicky) but i do like this fic-- the miscommunication in question is far-fetched but its joenicky so of course it is. just enjoy the Angst™

i love michelangelo seeing nicky all dirty and bloody after a fight and being like 'DAMN this bitch is fine' (same). (AND the fact that nicky only agrees to travel with him in the name of wasting the pope's money lmao). the fact that joe and nicky broke up But They Still Snuggle. nile knowing like 2 things about joe and nicky's breakup & pretty much immediately taking nicky's side. joe looking at the creation of adam and bein like 'EH'.

nicky carrying around his little joe drawing? nicky carrying around a spare toothbrush for booker? nicky telling little children stories about a princess locked in a coffin under the sea? ('perhaps someday, if an iron coffin is caught in a net or washed up onto the shore, they’ll remember the princess, a victim and not a monster' EXCUSE ME)

(also 'I have drawn you a thousand times since we parted. I sculpted your likeness, just so that I could pretend to cup your cheek. You are so much warmer than marble, hayati.' R O M A N C E)

Pas Un Ange by inlovewithnight

there are a lot of fics i love in a way thats like 'this fic is fun but it doesnt feel like something that would happen in the Actual Canon' (which is fine!) but this one Does feel like it could happen in The Actual Canon which is cool

this fic also has probably my favorite depiction of nicky's relationship with god/religion in any fic ive read ('[nicky's] peace had come only after walking away from faith as a competition of intensity in favor of faith as a steady compass that he followed like the beat of his heart in his chest.'). i love the whole Drama played out by the background characters and how they all have their own ideas and motivations & nicky is just kind of resigned to being caught in the middle of it.

(also love how near the beginning joe's like 'the Right thing to do in the situation would be stay at this river and help these people.... ... ....... ... .... ... anyways see ya guys later gotta go find nicky'.)

also joe chatting up a pig and the five minutes later chatting up some goats was so cute. & nicky trying to tell the baby's mother how to save it!!!! </3 AND THEY ARGUE ABOUT CHARITY on the way home (not before joe injects a comment abt nickys ass into regular conversation bc Romance™) its a bit of a sad fic tho, that poor baby 🥺

Intercession by PrincessDesire

can i interest you in some Swamp Man Nicky in this trying time?

someone recced this fic to me and i dont remember who. but note that the major character death tag is not, in fact, for a major character but for a background one. neither joe or nicky perma!die in this. also normally i dont like fics where joe or nicky are bi bc Thats Not Canon Babey but i do like this one, i love joe's relationship with Grace and how nicky's perception of that relationship gets flipped on its head halfway thru the fic. i also love joe's Weariness Of Immortality, like when joe talks about how 'youthful' nicky makes him feel. his pov just kind of Feels like an old man and i like it

theres a smut scene in this fic which im personally not big on smut scenes but theres this bit where joe tries to figure out condoms and its very cute. also 'You have many kinds of magic, Nicky. All your spells have worked.' ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

also i just like how WHIPPED joe is from like the first 3 seconds he sees nicky. theres one bit where nicky's like 'ill come visit you!' and joe's like 'when🥺' and nicky's like 'as soon as you like!' and joes like 'now?????🥺🥺🥺 literally come home with me???' incredible.

also the Magic System was cool. i also love how nicky just Accidentally made himself immortal. what a man. also i like this line 'it would never occur to [nicky] to attend any service that wasn’t going to have a direct outcome. Grace takes comfort from it, so maybe that’s the only outcome needed.' idk its so sweet

edit: also i cant believe i forgot the iconic line 'Yusuf is a man of two minds, one large and underutilized, the other small and underutilized.' absolutely iconic & relatable

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person

[reversecreek]

lily for magda (thinking about figs feeling evil), tulip for cricket, marigold for ziggy, chrysanthemum for bradley, belladonna for nyla

lily :   how does your muse view their mother ?  

magda doesn’t know a lot abt her mum. she knows vague snippets n details bt they’re all very elusive. it’s kind of a tricky subject where her mum’s concerned bc when she was younger she’d come up w all these assumptions abt how her mum was n who she’d be if she were with her but the rational part of magda was like..... u don’t know any of this. ur literally making things up. it’s kind of hard for a kid to have that vital person missing from their life n to resist the urge to fill in the blanks with their own projections so the space feels less empty. it’s like having a tooth missing n ur tongue always going back to poke at the spot in ur gum. there’s a constant reminder of loss in that. magda knows her mum liked to sing bc her dad said once she’d always sing to her belly when she was pregnant. this is a lot of the reason why magda has always cared so much abt music bc she took this fact in her fist n grasped it tight n never let go n in a way grew parts of herself around it. it’s like............. i feel like her mum dying in childbirth gave her lots of issues when it comes to her identity n like. who she is n who she wants to be.......... bc of magda’s issues w her dad i feel like she got into this habit growing up of rly putting who her mum could have been on a pedestal n basing everything around that.... she’d be like I’m More Like Her (a belief which was only accelerated bc her dad would drunkenly say she looked so much like her) n cling onto that so she liked herself more bc the other option was her dad who she loves but he’s also an incredibly flawed person n they hv a complicated relationship...... i think as she’s gotten older she’s realised her mum cld very well have been that way too n putting people on pedestals isn’t the way to go about things but. idk. as a kid she was kind of obsessed w this idea of her n this idea that her mum being gone was the beginning n end of everything wrong in her life. for the most part now magda accepts she never knew her n sometimes even feels stupid for grieving her at all bc she never knew her to grieve in the first place but. there’s a tiny part of magda tht still hangs on to the comfort of what she could have had n it’s obvious by the fact she still keeps a photograph of her folded up in her pillow. she loves the mum she made up in her head n she wishes she got to meet her. there’s this sense tht maybe then she wouldn’t feel like this culmination of missing parts more than a person if she’d had that in her life. sighs n lks away holding my dyed black emo bang.....

tulip :   how does your muse view people in general ?  

cricket is like. the strangest little anomaly of a person FGHKSFGHSFKGH bc like. u would rly think that after everything he’s been thru he would just have this absolutely jaded view of people and life in general and i wouldn’t even......... blame him for it if he did like. i’d understand completely bc he’s experienced A Lot of bad stuff. n yet somehow he just.... idk. i think i wrote in a reply once this comparison of cricket n a cockroach in the sense that they have this incredibly reinforced exoskeleton n even if they’re stomped flat they can keep living n bounce back from it n that’s very him but it’s more specifically the hope inside him. he has this little candle lit that good things can still happen midst all of the terrible things n i genuinely can’t see it snuffing out at any point even tho sometimes he might want it to. sometimes i think he even gets into these frames of mind where it jst infuriates the fk out of him bc in his head he’s like why do u even think good shit can happen when u have sm overwhelming evidence to the contrary but then he’s also like. look u can dwell on the bad or u can notice the way the light falls thru the leaves in the trees and u can think to urself inside ur head as u listen to someone u love talking abt something that makes them happy ‘hey this feeling is nice n there’s a dozen others like it’. idk. against all odds he’s an optimist. he has tinnitus in his left ear n sometimes he pretends the ringing is angels trying to talk to him. he likes to search for the silver linings in things to make them bearable n that’s how he gets by. obviously he knows there’s evil in the world n that a lot of people can be shit bc he has firsthand experience w that but he also believes there are people to serve as the antithesis to that n he wants to focus on them bc like. why give bad stuff the time of day. not necessarily always a positive coping mechanism (if u bottle up bad feelings n thoughts they leak thru one way or another aka his overwhelming anxiety) but like.... i think there’s a lot of bravery in that n i respect him for it i won’t lie. he cld have become very bitter bt instead he’s like that quote that’s like 'the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it'. suddenly slaps his little anxious rump (supportive) (affectionate)

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ?  how might they handle envious feelings ?  

it’s hard to say w ziggy............... i feel like he doesn’t want to think he’s prone to jealousy bc he’s like i’m literally a god wdym i simply wld never give a fk bc i know i’m above all else................. but like. do u actually believe that ziggy. do u. FKGJHKSJGHFGSHFGKSHGKFHG. he’s good at convincing himself at least........... has me fooled too most of the time. bt. thinks abt this.............. i feel like he doesn’t tend to get jealous over ppl he hooks up w a lot of the time bt there’s definitely a few select ppl he might.......... n then he doesn’t rly know what that feeling is bc he’s so unused to feeling it so he’s like wtf why am i so fking pissed off over the thought of this person fking that person? like literally doesn’t even. connect the dots n make the logical conclusion bc it jst seems so bizarre n nonsensical to him. rly is awful at working out his own feelings like. he cld just suddenly explode one day n have to smash a bunch of shit in a junkyard n after his chest is heaving n he has all this broken stuff around him n he’s just like yo wtf was that man forreal lmfaoooooooooo..... like he just doesn’t even get how his own emotions work it’s tragic n it’s men for u. w anxious feelings he represses them a lot he doesn’t rly understand what they r or know how to recognise them........... i honestly feel like he has a lot of anxiety surrounding his mum esp w her dating n like some of the guys they’ve both had to deal w that she’s dated in the past.......... i doubt he processes that healthily or expresses it healthily either..... probably contributes to the tensions between him n his mum they hv a lot of underlying issues that come out in the form of bickering n petty disagreements...... probably a huge contributor to him acting out so terribly in high skl was just all this pent up worried energy with no means of making sense of itself or like. place to go. like shaking a coke bottle over n over n finally having to crack the lid n let it fizz on something. i also think he probably swallowed a lot of jealousy growing up whenever other kids had gd relationships w their fathers or parents in general probably ws kind of like lmfaooooo yo why don’t mine love me like that. in his head...... so ya. i think he copes w anxious feelings by acting out n also fucking if we’re being honest......... it helps him let off steam <3 king of clapping cheeks ig....

chrysanthemum :   how does your muse express romantic love ?  how do they feel about love as a concept ?  

bradley is kind of hard to read romantically like from an outside perspective but slides on my thin rimmed spectacles n picks up my scalpel to delve right in to the nitty gritty of her brain... omg... that sounded... kind of scary actually but. it’s ok. basically settles in. bradley struggles to verbalise her feelings in this regard but also in a general sense honestly.... like she’s spent a lifetime having any vulnerable or negative feeling shut down....... her dad’s the type of personality where it’s like... u can’t win. even tho he’s narcissistic n thinks he’s a god if u compliment him or express affection he’ll act pleased but there’ll also be this register in his eyes where he thinks less of u for it. so this rly had a domino effect in bradley’s emotional expression in all grounds of life...... romance is probably the most frivolous concept to tony so bradley definitely internalised some of these views n wld feel stupid for ever taking anything seriously in that regard or rly investing herself..... she also just. idk. love has only ever left bite marks in bradley’s world so she’d kind of like ‘why wld i ever expose my tender spots n open myself up to someone just so they can sink their teeth in’. i will say tho that like. despite that she can in rare instances develop those feelings n it’s always like..... quite a struggle for her when she does. she doesn’t rly understand it or how to deal w it. she finds talking about it hard n she feels childish or weak in the eyes of whoever knows how she’s feeling. it takes a long time n a lot of work to earn it bt bradley in love is like. ur the only person on the planet who knows how gentle she can b. she’d literally like. touch the face of this one guy i wrote her being in love w when he was sad so gently it was shocking it ws like a love tht deep unlocked a whole other part of her she didn’t know existed. sex is a big part of her love expression jst like. a lot of it. so much. JHGSFKHGSFGKHFKGSHG let’s get it.......... she’s a ride or die n doesn’t do anything in halves. she has a nasty habit of pushing good things away n also wld probably do this to protect the other person bc her world is a never ending shit show with her father’s presence in every room even when he isn’t physically there. she wldn’t wna subject someone she loved to the danger of that bc she hates it enough herself so. idk. smiles w hand on hip. love isn’t something bradley thinks is on the menu fr her bc she’s only ever known it to be hard or mean n why bother trying when that’s the case. it feels like there’s always small print attached tht will hurt her in the end n nothing is free or genuine. very doomed outlook on love in general tbh.

belladonna :   how does your muse respond to silence ?   do they take comfort in soundlessness ,   or seek to fill the void with noise ?  

nyla honestly doesn’t mind silence at all........ they always wake up rly early in the morning no matter what time they went to bed. it’s like someone programmed an oven timer into their brain n often when they wake up at 6am or something they’ll go on walks around irving tottering in their own little world which is quite a quiet experience in itself when the rest of the world’s asleep........... always off on impromptu adventures they came up w on the spot.......... sometimes they get lost in their own train of thought too so they just randomly fall silent bc they’re having a whole conversation w themselves inside their head or like. writing a whole children’s story abt an iguana in a trench coat floating in a hot air balloon smoking a little vintage pipe all the way to peru. honestly for every 1 thing nyla says there’s about 4987295749572592745 things they don’t say tht are x100 times stranger n more nonsensical they sort of let it all drift thru their head like an open sieve for the most part. having said tht i think in order to sleep at night they probably need some sort of white noise or smthn................. it’s handy living in a beach house bc they just leave the window open to let the ocean gush bt sometimes if they’ve snuck into like. mido’s bed fr the night or someone’s bed idk the sound of them breathing works too................. they used to always sleep w bob ross playing on loop n that was rly comforting to them esp bc he reminds them a lot of their dad w his calming voice n energy.............. sometimes they’d have taken smthn n they’d literally hallucinate it as their dad instead of bob ross n this happened so many times in a row fr a period of time tht when they finally watched it sober they were like wtf since when did they recast my dad in this show...... KJHFGSHFGKSHFKGH but also. frowns... bit sad considering. 

[alchemt]

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑  𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐓   .

repost ,     don’t reblog ,     please    ! 

BASICS.

full name.   varian of old corona   ! nickname.   v ,   goggles ,   hairstripe ,   vari  . gender.   cis male   (  he  /  his  ) height.   5′0″ age.   17 in canon verse ,   varies within others   !   zodiac.   aries sun ,    libra moon ,    pisces rising  . spoken languages.   drums my hands on the table ,   you got a dead language and something translatable and this kid learns it within a few weeks ,    easy ,    so we’re sorting demantius’ dialect in here ,   but i’d say both the dialects of the inner  +  outer parts of the kingdom  !    (    i’ll talk a lil more specifically ab this in accent  !    )    maybe a smattering of words n phrases of languages found in the other kingdoms ,   due to his work that has all kinds of people coming to him for alchemic assistance ,  as well as being an outskirt village  !

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair color.   black w/ brown highlights and a teal stripe  !   eye color.   blue   ! skin tone.   very light and very very fair ,    burns within a few hours of being outside in the summer sun ,    but before that ,    freckles  ! ! ! accent.   the tts  -  english version of what was most likely a version of an early nineteenth century germanic dialect by the coast   !     i would also reach to say that it’s probably audibly different from what is usually spoken within corona’s main city   /   citadel ,    due to the distance between main and old corona ,    there’s probably a different dialect for those living on the far reaches of the kingdom outskirts  !    voice.   usually very pronounced ,   very loud ,   and very fast ,   depending on whether he’s talking ab his work or not .    either way ,    it’s prone to cracking .   his brain tends to work faster than his mouth ,   so there’s a lot of repetition and backtracking as well  !   dominant hand.   ambidextrous  !    he’s confident enough w/ pouring chemicals with both hands ,   and his staff switches between right and left constantly .   it doesn’t look like he prioritizes towards one over another ,   usually using the one that feels right in the moment .   posture.    absolutely  horrendous  !    literally you will always find him slouching over notes and various versions of work ,    falling asleep in bad positions over his workstations ,    and w/ working his way around machinery   ––   hanging over and around gently dangerous and in - progress kinds of equipment and chemical machinery does  not  always equal the best of results for one’s muscles and posture    ––    but   !     ruddiger  is actually a really wonderful addition to the family here w/ this ,    a welcome weight on his shoulders ,   which also serves to remind him to straighten up   (   in more ways than one  🥺   )   ! scars.   lots of chemical burn scarring   !     alchemy is an incredibly dangerous practice ,    and vari is  not  one to stick to a safety protocol on his own volition ,     like  a  whole  entire  fool  ,   so there’s lots of burnt clothes and burn scars    ––   the gloves were most likely a  gift  from his father ,    as soon as there had been a few accidents leading to some permanent markings on his hands ,    the same w/ the apron .    i do like to think he makes his own goggles ,   though ,    i.e.  why he has  so  many  of them to go around   !   tattoos.   n/a in most verses ,    but i love the idea of him getting one to tie back to all the work he’s done w/ the demanitus legend   /   language when he’s older   !  birthmarks.   hmmm .    i may come back to this at a later point ,    but for now let’s say if there are some ,   they’ve been marked over by other scars .  most noticeable feature(s).   teal hair stripe ,    gigantic goggles ,   some article of clothing is always slightly singed   (   or still on fire ,   please let him know asap   !    )  .  

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.   old corona  ! birth weight.   most likely underweight . birth height.   small ,   tiny ,   it sticks w/ him ,   the poor kid  !   first words.   blue  !     siblings.   none   !    can’t vouch for canon here ,   but i’m going to go with historical accuracy here and say his mother died due to sickness when vari was still a baby . parents.   quirin  ( father ) ,   a woman who wasn’t given a name bc tts is Like That™  ( mother ) parental involvement.   being son to the leader of the village isn’t always .   super  great   !   there’s a lot of interactions between them that lean into the thinking that there’s a .   stilted kind of relationship between them ?    (    think .    that is enough ,     varian     /     yes ,   sir .       think .     not again  ,    varian  .     think .    you are not ready .    )    running a village is a busy enough position to be in ,    let alone one in the middle of a crisis  ,     and it doesn’t feel like there’s much time left ,   or  prioritized ,   in either of those times  ,    to develop a relationship w/ vari  ?     i can’t imagine that the loss of his mother really .    helps  ?    there’s so much  hurt  there ,    you can see it when quirin looks at the portrait in qfad ,    and so they’re very distanced due to just .    not knowing how to reach one another  ?    there’s always something ,   too big to cross ,    too far to reach .    so much of varian’s story is trying to get his father to  see  him ,   to be proud of him ,   and it reflects so much onto .   quirin’s absence  ?    in vari’s work ,    in his interests ,   in  him   ?    and in wanting that ,   needing that emotional relationship more than anything else  ?    feels like enough to drive him to uh     .  .  .     doing A Lot™ to get it .   

ADULT LIFE.

occupation.   " wizard “  of old corona   →    alchemist   →    co-lady-in-waiting   (  The Best Day ,    you will never be able to pry this title away from him   )    →    the gentle villain stint    →    redeemed alchemist     →    most trusted royal engineer of corona   !   current residence.   old corona   !    depending on verse he also travels ,   and lives within the citadel to be close to the official castle lab  !   close friends.   ruddiger ,   rapunz.el ,   cassandra ,   eugene ,   lance  . financial status.   as son as the leader of a village ,   i’d say middle class ,   esp. since they’re living in an outskirt town ,   it isn’t much ?    a lot of varian’s experiments come from deconstructing old ones to reuse and rebuild from scraps .   he def sews their clothes back into working order as well   !    driver’s license.   not exactly modern ,    but he  can  fly a hot air balloon  !    that’s pretty vehicular   !    no license tho bc he’s .   gotta rebel in the ways that he still can  !   criminal record.   pulls out a scroll that rolls down the whole expanse of the throne room    :     “  attacking  “   princess rapunz.el on the night of the snowstorm ,   drugging an entire castle staff w/ laced cookies ,   assisting   +   instigating in the theft of herz der sonne's journal ,   assisting   +   instigating the plan to break into the castle vaults ,   stealing the sundrop flower   (    +   later destroying it    ) ,    endangering the crown princess on multiple accounts ,    multiple accounts of assault   +   endangerment to the people of both main and outer corona    (   birthday automaton ,   enhanced ruddiger ,   army of automatons .    ) ,     kidnapping the queen ,     attempted regicide ,    breaking out of jail ,     aligning himself with the saporians ,    wiping the memories of the king   +   queen ,    allegedly planning on continuing the memory wipe to the whole of kingdom corona ,    endangering the whole of main corona with his chemicals yet  again  . vices.   arrogance ,    doubt ,    recklessness .    love language.    primarily  actions  ! !     you need something done ?   you need someone to do something for you  ?    he’s your boy  !    he also gives gifts ,   as well ,   mostly  practical  ones ,   usually lil machines or things he’ll think that could be of use or necessity  !   

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song.    oh   i  will  make  you  proud   is too much of a  bop  to be anything but his theme  !   we also see it played throughout the seasons in instrumental swells within gentle or Big Plot™ moments ,   even all the way back in  what  the  hair  !   so much of his character  +  narrative arcs lean on being seen and known and validated  ?   it’s important to him ,    but especially for it to come from his dad ,    or even from those he admires n looks up to  ?     The whole entire Dream  ! hobbies to pass time.    experiments ,    building w/ spare machinery parts ,   playing around w/ ruddiger ,    cooking  ,    gardening  ,    sewing ,    reading ,    etc .     ! mental illnesses.   anxiety ,   depression ,    ptsd . physical illnesses.    he gets sick a lot .   exposure to dangerous chemicals can lead to a weakened immune system ,   so it ends up showing in lots of semi - sick days after all - nighters that he works through until he eventually collapses or gets worse .   it does mean that he eventually develops a good repertoire of being able to recognize various symptoms of sicknesses ,    and with a bit of studying ,    experience on how to treat people within his village   +   even beyond   ! fears.   losing his father ,    being lied to   /   kept in the dark ,   not being enough despite his best efforts  ,    never being fully trusted in the same way again ,   that he won’t be who he could’ve been ,    once ,    bright in the light ,   unhurt and unhistoried ,    and that the darkness is still in him ,   waiting for the day that he snaps again .    self-confidence level.    can i get a big  oof  in the chat bc it’s not .    really exactly super - great  ?    or even super - sturdy ,   for that matter  ?   ambition is one thing ,    but failed experiment and failed invention over and over again can be .   extremely disheartening ,   especially when it comes w/ a verbal disappointment speech ,   as well as side - eyes and general wariness   +   distrust from everyone in his village .   he’s incredibly confident in his knowledge   +   ability ,    and can don the   “  wizard of old corona  “   facade ,    but he’s .    he wants to do something right ,    so  so  badly ,   to prove himself ,    to prove that he can ,    even if he’s not exactly the right person to do it ,   he’s going to try anyways  ,    even if it’s just in case ,    even if it’s the only recourse left   ?    and that can be .    dangerous ,    to say the least ,    as we’ve seen .     but  but  but    !    with the help of raps and cass and eugene and lance ,   and being given the chance(s) to be included in their lil found family ,    in being able to prove himself among them    (    with some bumps along the way ,    a sad kid with no family left can go a lil feral w/ fury and grief as a treat ,    as you do ,    you know how it be sometimes    ) ,    and come into his own  ?    has been .      the  absolute  best   !     everything he’s done for the name of good ,    for the betterment of the lives of others  !    all of the light that it brings into his life ,    into his work  !      love that for him   !  !  !    vulnerabilities.   overactive ,   maybe leaning a lil too close to what’s really an obsessive need for answers ,    how that there are not many lines he’s not willing to cross to do something he deems Right™ or for those that he loves ,    how he’s easily provoked to accept challenges   +   problems to solve .

TAGGED BY.   @irnmaidn​ ! 💕 TAGGING.    so  i  did .   gently  cut  a  lot  out  of  this , so  if  you  are  interested  in  filling  this  out ,   let  me  know  and  i will  happily direct  u  back  to  the  whole  of  it   !

[bthump]

hey. asia... do you have any modern au coming out thoughtz?

(sry this took a while to answer bc i had to think about it lol)

tbh i could see so many different possibilities being in character, esp depending on the details of the au. But like, assuming this AU is as close to canon as possible while still being set in the present w/ current identity politics and a gay community etc, yk both still have traumatic histories, griffith still has a dream that requires marrying a woman, etc etc, I can maybe throw out a few ideas. tho again like, nothing set in stone.

I guess ultimately I really want them to be each others’ realizations.

I like the idea of Guts’ being a slow realization that kind of sneaks up on him, where first he realizes that he would absolutely be dtf Griffith and it’s not til after that realization that he figures out that makes him gay. Like I mean he’d fall into that “it’s not guys, it’s just you” cliche but he eventually realizes that no, actually it is men.

He might try experimenting too - like surely it’s just because Griffith looks androgynous, so being with a woman would be better - but nope, doesn’t work.

Might be worth mentioning here (tho i’m sure u already know this) that I hc Guts as gay rather than bi bc Miura did a great job of making his interest in Casca feel super inauthentic to me lol.

Also I think it’s fair to assume that his csa trauma would lead to some discomfort here, but at the same time I don’t think he’d consciously like assume all gay people are predatory or even assume his rapist was gay and not just a pedophile. He might be uncomfortable being checked out in bars at first, and I feel like he’d be prone to worrying that his sexuality makes him specifically more likely to hurt someone bc feeling like a monster is kind of a canon issue he has, but he’s smart and fairly self aware and wouldn’t make it anyone else’s problem for the most part, barring like flashbacks during sex or smthn.

Also he’s tough enough that he’d never really feel like he’s in physical danger with anyone else. So assuming he’s in a good place in his personal life (ie not in a walking disaster “don’t touch me” phase) I don’t think he’d show any discomfort. (And I mean in canon the first time we ever saw him relaxed and happy was while having a water fight with a naked dude who he thought came onto him when they first met a few days earlier. I really don’t think it would be a huge issue.)

And overall I think he’d be fairly low-key about it. He’s gay but it’s just a description to him rather than an identity to build his life around. He wouldn’t be closeted but he wouldn’t be out to everyone in his life like, idk coworkers or w/e. Tho eventually I think everyone would realize because I think he’d kind of want to show Griffith off lol.

Griffith I could see like, simultaneously knowing he’s gay all his life and refusing to fully acknowledge it. He’s gotta achieve a goal which requires a certain image which requires heterosexuality. Maybe he’s not actually attracted to women, whatever, but that doesn’t actually matter as far as he’s concerned.

So with Guts being his realization, what that means is that Guts is the breaking point where Griffith realizes he’d rather have Guts than the dream. Yk, like in canon, but with a) no torture chamber, and b) the addition of this realization leading to the larger realization that he can live as his authentic self and be happy.

Like I’ve mentioned before that in Berserk you have this dichotemy of the dream/het marriage/emotional repression vs guts/emotional expression and yk in a modern AU you can add coming out to emotional expression.

Like we’ve talked about this b4 but I’m saying it again bc I love this idea where Griffith realizing he’s in love with Guts and would rather be in a relationship with him than achieve whatever his modern AU dream is is like a catalyst for dropping the image of respectability and ~finding~ himself. He’d make a bunch of gay friends, start experimenting with more gnc looks, volunteer at pride, go to protests, etc.

Though if his motivations for achieving his dream are similar to canon (mb not the whole for the sake of the dead thing, but yk guilt, to assuage a feeling of inherent worthlessness, to justify things he did to achieve it that he’s ashamed of, w/e) there’s also plenty of room for some angst and drama in between that realization that he wants to give it all up for Guts and embracing a new life. Some “am I selfish/terrible for choosing Guts” soul searching or w/e.

ALSO I feel like modern au griffith could’ve been fairly gnc as a child - wanting to play with girls’ toys, singing along to britney spears, saying he wants to marry the disney princes when he grows up, wanting his hair long, playing dress up in dresses, etc - with some kind of catalyst that hammers home this idea that to get the thing he wants he has to police his behaviour and be like everyone else. this is self indulgent but i just like this concept of like, knowing what you’re about as a kid and then having to unlearn everything you’ve internalized since then. it’s an appealing narrative to me.

And like I could see Griffith’s trauma with Gennon actually affecting him and his opinions wrt sexuality/internalized homophobia more than Guts’ trauma affects Guts, mostly because Gennon was such a goddamn evil gay stereotype in canon, plus Griffith’s own self-loathing compounded w/ the idea that he’s always sort of known he was gay = a secondary motivation for trying to embody the image of a heteronormative ideal, to distance himself from the idea that he’s anything like Gennon. Like Griffith’s trauma comes with a side of effeminate stereotypes and ostentatious homoerotic castle decor, etc. But I don’t think it’s necessary either, like it’s not something I’m super interested in exploring and hey maybe modern AU Gennon is less of an offensive stereotype. and/or Griffith is v socially aware and capable of recognizing that Gennon isn’t representative. w/e, kind of a take it or leave it thing I guess.

Also I’m not really envisioning these 2 concepts (guts and griffith) in the same story lol. Maybe they could fit together but I didn’t really think about it.

And again like, I’m just throwing stuff at the wall lol, not saying this is my Official Take on Sexuality and Characterization or w/e.

[misterbitches]

here’s what confuses me. we are on a public platform and people are posting things, tagging them, and even just perusing. ostensibly to be heard and get engagement. that’s how the internet works and what it encourages. so when people put something out there especially when they make it localized (? is that a right word) for access, why is the critique or response, even if it’s unfavorable, now a problem? we put it out there and it exists, if someone stumbles upon it why wouldn’t they engage? otherwise, why bother with all this output? i mean not many people read my posts but it’s a good thing for me to have them because what i do write it helps me understand the world better and something mainstream in ways it could be better and what could be done to get away from it. helping understand the context and history of the problems i am seeing on screen in many diff ways. but i do make it seen for a reason. i have drafts or posts privately that are just for me that i don’t think others should see so that means i do not want that engagement and i am closing it off. 

it isn’t like people can’t see it and respond if they so choose  bc this is basically a tacit agreement of having this in public. so if you have an opinion and someone disagrees why would that be hard for you if you are the one who put it out there? we know how this website works and how the web works. do we just want to hear what we agree with or even just know? otherwise i wouldn’t know shit. even with my best friends we try and come to a form of understanding and get on the same page or ask questions. i don’t get upset when they say, “no, because” or introduce a new perspective and this happens with the people i am closest to. so on a public place what else would we get? we allow ourselves to be seen...

i don’t think i have blocked anyone but i know people have blocked me and it has been for probably me being annoying but still fairly innocuous when i reply with a critique or make a joke. you take this risk posting it every time. but i dont want to block people because they could be of value at some point even if i want nothing to do with them. but every time it so happens that i say something even a little off from what this person wants—and it’s generally when i go into things in detail—they shut down from the perception that i am being hateful or accusatory or unfair? even when i try de-escalation tactics or being like “calm down” (not that explicitly) so these seem to be very emotional responses to not hearing exactly what we want and knowing there’s objection when there should be anyway. even if pieces are damn near perfect there’s still something. i find it very hard to believe that there’s intense pain enacted on others for liking “unsavory” things when the “unsavory” is the mainstream and it is necessary to uphold these things and for capital to continue to produce what it does. you’re not different when you accept it into your life either critically or uncritically because that is the norm. so when people are knocking the norms, tropes, whatever it’s like a shock every time and like someone is telling you not to enjoy it. but, again, we put this shit out there and want a response so it cannot be just what we want to hear. i hate that i hate the idea that wanting a  work to be better and seeing shit critically even as a leftist or whatever is oppressive and limiting other ppl when it is in no way the same or even on par with being silenced in general because of the garbage you find in a work. you will still be the minority and it will still be popular so there’s a false sense of superiority put onto others who disagree by the ones who feel “attacked” or like they can’t defend themselves or whatever. and who fucking says? if some random says so like oh well man. you cannot compare it to the real shit these fans do and the massive fanbases they have and the shunning they love to do then feel as if they are priority in feelings.

 they say everyone is sensitive and not able to think about things with nuance but it’s the opposite most times. you aren’t and when someone pops up with it or even says something offhanded cos they dont feel like having a huge discussion that is not the same as pushing others down. there is no majority saying this is wrong and we don’t want it; there’s a majority dedicated to defending it, their choices, and frankly the false sense of even light persecution. especially as adults but in fandom you’re not encouraged to act as a fully fleshed out person for a majority reasons and esp in a fandom that will skew younger. they are reliant on rabid fans or uncritical ones and i have demonstrated that constantly and given quotes etc. we should talk about discourse and what the private owes to the public, what the state owes its viewers, what artists owe the people tuning in. we should talk abou tfreedom of speech forreal and what that means but if we go deep into that you’ll unveil more things you dont’ like how people absolutely rally against this shit and want nothing to do with it. if you don’t want to think about that that is fine but it doesn’t mean others won’t say it.

idk like it may seem insensitive but i dont like the idea that a person pointing out things that are gross or micro or macro agrressive or what the fuck ever is the ruler over the discourse and how people interact with the work when frankly that just isn’t the case in the pattern of the work that people do and utilizing fans and using capital to defend yourself and recreate industry. you may not like to hear that it’s all bullshit but people will say so and it holds not even close to the same weight that the tacit agreement in indulging can sway  us towards not great perceptions. the harm of pointing things out, or being rude, or whatever is not the same as what fans will do to those people and the obfuscation of the real fucking issue. 

now it’s no longer about the problems in itself but the way people are receptive to the way others respond when they have a problem with the very real and prominent problem. now there’s no interest in engagement or even seeing people who may have more to say to it. if we think constantly about defending our right to like a work then the work takes ona life of its own and it latches on to your emotions even more it’s so fucking silly bc it’s like....this shit isnt for us anyway and if it’s gonna be here we should make it better and talk about it but it’s not about that it’s not about the rapes it’s not about the culture it’s about personal feelings which is why it becomes about how we talk about it as if things that ever skew to the left or focus on liberation would ever be the most popular. since when did saying this is fucking bullshit, this shit sucks, this real “crime” means nothing because it’s just entertainment yet you must find ways to defend your right to see that entertainment. it makes no sense no one is talking about that we’re talking about the ins-and-outs of storytelling and the toxicity and nature of these REAL PROBLEMS THAT ARE PROBLEMS SINCERE PROBLEMS as in there is no negotiation in wrong or right because it is wrong in every sense it’s what you do with that wrongness and what the fuck you want to say. it’s not about what i say about them being fucking shitty about the way they say it. dont focus on the way i dislike it focus on what the fuck im saying man bc this shit is disingenuous and it COMPLETELY eclipses the issues and attitudes and it lets these fucking idiots off the fucking hook for making straight up garbage like not even in a sociopolitical way just thoughtless drivel sometimes. like most times i dont even hate the villains in these shows or the men who are o dark and fucked up but we still got to like them it’s literally like “no nigga like why r u here tho?” what do u fucking add. you’re dead space and they let us know it’s dead space by saying “oh man isn’t life SOOOO complex dont think about it just think about him being a nice rapist okay guys even tho we are gong to do NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to establish fucking any of that” 

this is what people said for tharntype and it’s what they say about fucking everything whether it’s about gay shit or not. good example is the star wars fans with that guy and that girl or wahtever in that stupid racist franchise. just clamoring to make sure we know you’re good and that you’re okay for thinking that way when no one says you aren’t. but if something is presented then expect to get a fucking response especially abut what it is about at its fucking core. enough of the bullshit about misunderstanding and acknowledge it’s about your comfort in your interests and not having that questioned or antagonized in a way that may implicate you are a bit complicit but fucking all of us are as consumers. you arent hurt for having an opinion that seems to not go with the flow but is certainly part of the status quo. the world relies relies on harm, in a way it is reliant on rape, and that permeates through us and always takes precedent. additionally, again, this shit is mad patriarchal so it does a disservice to us as well as women cos it’s like. no man that’s born out of misogyny actually. what can we do? well, dont rely on the state. but if you dont rely on the state then will you make real money? not the money we’re talking here with the genre in itself. to me that means they dont have an interest in showing different types of lives they have a majority interest in showing “attractive” “conventional” men kissing and making bank.

[ohauras]

EVENT 04 : good or evil, folks.... what’s it gonna be????

thoughts : 

ur neighborhood pixie is definitely suffering a panic when everything starts going down, but trust me, she really does try her hardest to convince herself that this is what she wants

and welllllll.... it’s not, sorry not sorry — our lil disaster child is scared out of her mind, and she’s not sure she wants to suffer for people she barely knows.... u know, every monster for themselves out here :/

“haven’t i bled enough?”

a large part of her, like i said, is scared but also resentful of the fact that they expect her to stand her ground for them??? why should i??? what have they ever done for me??? basically: she likes to say people are good, but let’s be honest she’s a pessimist when it comes to ( human?? ) nature...

also aura is used to being punished pretty severely for her mistakes, so the minute metzger promises pain — she’s out, sorry fam

what about when she does leave?? well, of course she’s almost immediately relieved to remove herself from a stressful, panic-inducing situation but this fosters itself in a pretty unhealthy way?? 

by interacting with KANTA, she claims to be validated in abandoning everyone because her actions had a higher morality than cheshire’s??? but she’s forgetting that this was extremely selfish, and that her vices aren’t subjective?? so we’re fostering that self-serving trait of hers while also

shame.... lots of shame when the doors come down and the cryptids are being dragged out, she can’t even look them in the eye ( but why??? this is a new emotion for aura, and she’s going to struggle immensely with it throughout the event as an overarching theme, in tandem with general q’s of morality )

stay tuned for adventures in shame, regret, psychological torture, sneks, panic, inconsideration, repentance!!!! and many more!!!!!

timeline : open / closed plots 

aura runs into [ OPEN PLOT ] just before shit hits the fan, and here she’s trying to hype herself up??? basically a huge shit post on metzger and the menagerie, so bitter friends — this is the plot for you!! maybe they’re giving aura a pep talk or maybe they’re planting those seeds of doubt... who knows??? this interaction will have an impact on aura throughout the plot, so she may find herself blaming your character for feeding her demons or become angry / relieved / etc?? with herself for not taking their advice to stand up for the cryptids

shit has hit the fan folks, and what better time for a reunion?? aura runs into NOAH, somewhat of a former friend, and she’s so relieved to see a familiar face that she gets very emotional??? she confides in him about her fears and ultimately, her decision to leave — and with his support, she can ease some of that anxiety and tension!!! poor bbies have suffered enough at the hands of other people, and aura won’t forget how he stood behind her, even in a decision that ends up being pretty problematic for everyone

well... nobody said she was mi:6 worthy.... ya girl has been caught!!! SHAHRZAD catches aura in the act as she’s trying to leave, but what do they do??? well, for starters — negotiation!! but when valiance fails and shazi feels aura slipping away, she’s willing to do what she needs to in order to hold this rebellion together, even if it means violence??? aura is deeply affected and hurt by this, ultimately slipping away with the use of teeny tiny pixie form!!!

see ya suckers!!!! pixie is homefree and it feels good??? but also, what’s this super negative emotion all of a sudden?? and cue KANTA, who kinda finds aura at her breaking point, very much torn and balancing between the point of regret and relief!! they talk through their decision to leave / not partake, and aura will use this convo to later condemn cheshire and defend her own actions... yikes!!! she’s convinced that at least she had a sense of loyalty where he has none, and she’ll exploit that to her benefit..... even if that’s wrong 

la révolution est morte, sorry folks.... and as the doors of the train are being ripped from their hinges and the barricades are being broken down, LENNY is the first face aura sees!! and almost immediately the excuses she’s tried to hide behind fall away?? lenny’s one of the first people to reach out to aura when she arrives at the menagerie, and watching this sort of ideal vision of who she, herself, wants to be suddenly being dragged from the train really ignites this fury in the lil pixie?? she may have dodged punishment for the rebellion, but there’s gonna be hell to pay for the way she goes after the guards stupid enough to lay a hand on this selkie........ 

tent hopping time, ladies and gents!!! aura is gonna be moved around a lot in order for me to get in as many interactions as i can but first stop?? SOL of course!!! my actual mom will be talking with aura through her choice to leave and solidifying the validation in that decision she made to leave ( and not to her benefit either folks..... yikes!! ) — but aura ultimately decides that she... knows best... get it?? okay, whatever.... basically, our little pixie has opened her doors to pure destruction!!! but cue tent hop, no whispering allowed :/ 

ready to be roasted, aura??? CARTER is absolutely not here for aura’s shit, and he will not hesitate to yell at her for making an extremely stupid decision that has hurt everyone around her.... seriously he’s gonna chastise the hell out of her, buuuuuuutttt also while sympathizing a little bit with the fear she acted on — though, this interaction will mostly get that guilt cookin’ and encourage aura to understand selfishness as a vice, not a virtue ( even tho that’s like the total opposite of their dynamic lmao ) — annnnd another tent hop!!!

and just as redemption is on the horizon, OMARI and his beetle buds crash the party!!!!! aura feels comforted by seeing him again after shit has gone down, esp since she knows he stands behind her..... right???? noPE YOU THOUGHT WRONG!!! he’s gonna do a total 360 and guilt her imMENSELY for her decision to leave the train!! why would i do this?? because you told me to??? what do you mean no you didn’t?? what do you mean i’m a monster after all??? this thread is just going to be a general ouch :/

can i get a drumroll for the softest rabbit in the land??? time to hit up aura’s good ole pal THEO!!! right now, she’s kinda relapsing into panic, esp with the extremely negative emotions pushed on by omari, and so we’re falling back into justification territory!! so she looks to our white rabbit to support her in this ( uh oh!!! ) and in talking to herself so as to convince herself that she’s ultimately a good person even if she makes reallllly bad decisions, aura inadvertently corrupts poor theo with the idea that it’s perfectly okay to be self-serving..... whoops??? well.... u guys know what time it is....

mask on!!! MAL + aura have a run in, and here’s a chance for them to play off each other’s facades and convince themselves of their own self-image!!! aura falls deeper down the rabbit hole with this interaction, really latching on to this idea that it’s okay for her to be selfish because what’s wrong with a lil self-help??? yeah i hurt a bunch of other people..... who cares lol???? talk about an unhealthy dynamic... am i right or am i right???

u thought we could have nice things in this roleplay??? you thought wrONG!!! [ OPEN PLOT ] could seriously murder aura right now, and though she’s sitting on her high horse, they’re gonna knock her right back down again!!! how dare you??? what kind of cryptid are you?? maybe aura has indirectly put them or someone they care about in jeopardy, so feel free to bring on a roasting for the ages!!! or maybe just a general guilt?? your character is a total wreck and aura has to deal with the fact that she’s the one who caused that?? idk this plot is pretty open-ended, i just need to make aura a lil vulnerable again in time for...

the crown jewel of the night!!!!! aura kinda runs off, not prepared to be thrown in another tent with somebody who’s going to rake her across the coals or villainize her beyond the point she has already done herself??? but whoops, the guards are not about to deal w/ her shit and maybe she’s gonna get punished after all??? but nope!!! because in swoops actual angel EMME!!!! they hide out in em’s tent and talk over the night’s events before making it back to the train where.... oh shit, her train car is a total wreck??? aura is somewhat hysterical, trying to piece everything hopelessly back together as the guilt and shame and all these negative emotions really kick in; ultimately offering her train car up to emme to share until they can fix what’s been broken!!! and i end the night soft as hell for these two beans

and if you’re not really feeling these plots, don’t worry!!! i’m 100% flexible and i’ll do whatever i can to make sure i cater to anyone wanting to plot!!!

themes :

i will do this..... another time.......

general consensus :

mostly negative character regression..... but hey!! there’s at least some good stuff in there too????

update: new plots have pushed aura back onto the road to redemption!!! 

[izanyas]

So first, I really hope you feel better soon! I saw you just posted a bunch of drr headcanons, so if you're up for more, how about some for any of your bsd faves? I know you just wrote a bunch for that last post so it's no big deal if you're too tired or anything

i have. so many bsd thoughts and headcanons, i don’t even know where to start

i’ll just start with dazai since he pretty much shares the #1 spot in my heart with chuuya. i’ve talked a lot (mostly on twitter) about how i perceive him as someone who cherishes and values kind people and people with strong morals because he feels like he can’t be one of them. it’s my favorite thing about his character, he obviously couldn’t deal with the violence he grew up in and he has a strong dislike for 1) mindless and remorseless brutality (akutagawa) 2) letting yourself be overcome with feelings of helplessness and self-pity (atsushi when he has a panic attack after meeting Q), because both of these things remind him of himself and everything he did wrong. it doesn’t excuse what he did, to akutagawa for years and to atsushi in that one scene, but it sheds a lot of light onto how he is as a person and why he’s so fond of characters like odasaku/ango/kunikida/atsushi/kyouka (even chuuya, despite his potential for mindless violence*).

*i actually have a lot of thoughts about that, since chuuya in corruption pretty much embodies everything dazai hates (a killing machine with no emotion, ready to destroy its own body to hurt as many people as possible) but i think the difference in dazai’s eyes compared to say, akutagawa, who does the same thing, is that chuuya has no control over it. he’s obviously not his own person anymore, he can’t even stop corruption by himself, from what little we see of his thoughts on it he doesn’t like using it either... dazai probably makes a sharp separation between that and chuuya himself, who seems to be a loyal person. 

basically i think dazai separates people into categories of “who i want to be” (kunikida, odasaku, atsushi, etc) and “who reminds me of myself” (akutagawa, mori, etc) and that designates who he values and who he dislikes. it’s pretty bad considering the abuse he puts akutagawa through for being, well, an abused kid like himself. i think he probably feels bad about it now but doesn’t fully realize the extent of the damage he caused, bc he still doesn’t recognize the damage that he’s suffering as well. it explains why he also turned violent on atsushi when atsushi failed to fit into this category of “people i want to be like” for a moment because he was literally having a panic attack. dazai pls get your shit together 

random dazai headcanons!

he can crack every bone in his body and everyone finds it absolutely disgusting

he likes tea more than coffee

he doesn’t indulge in alcohol often anymore because he knows he was p much an alcoholic at eighteen in order to cope, and doesn’t want to risk it now

introvert, feels out of place when people are gathered around him for happy occasions (this is more or less confirmed in canon, he always leaves quickly when the agency celebrates)

trans man and bisexual

he has such a big crush on kunikida... i love it...

i think he probably legitimately thought he disliked chuuya when they were growing up together, since chuuya is loyal to the mafia and not affected like he is by their violence. that would have made him fit into the “people i don’t want to be like” category at the time. i imagine he started looking back on their relationship years after leaving the mafia and realized that actually chuuya was probably the closest thing to a childhood friend that he’s ever gotten / that chuuya was doing his best considering his own circumstances, and didn’t turn out to be a remorseless harbinger of brutality but rather someone capable of loyalty (having it and earning it) and friendship. dazai starting to care about chuuya retroactively is my favorite interpretation of their canon rs, tho not the one i always write.

i love dazai. so much.

THIS IS ALREADY SO LONG AND IVE ONLY DONE DAZAI i’ll go with chuuya now since we know next to nothing about him. here are my quick thoughts

i love chuuya

the port mafia holds a popularity contest every year and chuuya wins by a landslide each time. the real winner is whoever holds 2nd position that year

i love chuuy

i’m certainly not the first one to say it but corruption (manga) looks BAD and looks like it’s actively making him bleed inside his own body and if kafka asagiri knew how continuity and character development work chuuya would probably be revealed to be dying slowly from it. thankfully asagiri wouldn’t know continuity and character development if they slapped him across the face

cannot stress enough how fond everyone is of this tiny ruthless man who’s basically more physically powerful than any other character we’ve met so far but who would let you cry on his shoulder if you asked nicely. he’d be all awkward about it, but he would

he

i love and cherish all content of chuuya and akutagawa interacting, esp chuuya trying his best to fix some of the damage caused by dazai. akutagawa having a babycrush on chuuya is Pristine Headcanon and i am here for it. i support u chuuaku shippers

chuuya... good

he trained gin (this one i greedily stole from @zigur)

i think chuuya’s feelings toward dazai are a very complex mix of affection/resentment/understanding, much like dazai’s feelings toward him, but the difference is that chuuya deals with them by confronting them when they act up and letting his emotional instincts guide him. sure he hates dazai for leaving, sure he thinks dazai is a coward, absolutely he’s missed their partnership, but dazai is doing his own thing now and he’s happier like that and chuuya doesn’t resent him for it. only for his personality lmao

chuuya is gay! he isn’t out to a lot of people (kouyou / dazai / gin) but he doesn’t try to hide it either

i love. chuuya

arfgjhdf you know what here’s more: his favorite white wine is chablis, he and kouyou are very close and meet regularly outside of work to just talk and spend time together (also implied by canon), he doesn’t like guns, he thoroughly enjoys a good fair fight, he’s pretty much constantly using his ability in some small way to let out excess energy (stomping harder on the floor / makings  things float to him / changing his own weight as he walks just for the hell of it).

things i’m desperate for: chuuya & atsushi interaction, bsd highlighting the parallels that make it so that in shin soukoku, atsushi is the “new” chuuya, literally any fuckin g kind of chuuya presence and development please @ bsd at this point i’ll take him standing silently in the background of a panel 

i’m stopping here. i’ll do atsushi himself another time bc that’s a whole new can of wiggly, squealing meta worms

[randomstarmuffin]

You are???? an absolute gem????? And I'd be happy to talk to you whenever!!! Tell me more about what you liked about rune factory! Who did you marry? Did you marry one person or a collection of people (and if you did marry a collection of people, do you have a favourite??)

Omg????? I am not entirely sure when you sent this but I am so sorry I didnt see this until just now!! Ahhhhhh thank you so much???

Uh ok. Well, you asked and you shall receive - beware of a loooong post incoming lol. I could talk about RF for days and no one I know plays it so you’ve really opened the floodgates here haha

So full disclosure I’ve actually only had one rune factory spouse thus far and it was Doug! I got… a little too attached the first time I played (4 was my first rune factory game!) So I decided to try to complete the shipping list in my first save file (still have not accomplished that…) and played for just. Hours and hours and hours. And never actually got around to a second playthrough. When I first started, I had thought I might marry Vishal bc hes just so sweet but then Doug ended up stealing my heart (what can I say, hotheaded redheads/dwarves with a heart of gold and a tragic backstory are my weakness). So yeah, he’s definitely my favorite bachelor in 4. I also dont think it’s necessary for my enjoyment of a marriage option but I really liked how his whole deal was connected to the plot. I went into the game totally blind on the whole thing aside from having looked up the basic profiles on the bachelors/bachelorettes and I somehow didnt notice on my own so I had no idea that his FP was locked by story events until after the fact, but I loved how the plot was tied to him allowing himself to open up more. In a matter unrelated to the plot, and definitely dumbly cheesy, I found out about how some people had trouble with getting the random events and stuff required for marriage right around when I was getting ready to officially decide who to pick (tho it wasn’t a hard choice for me at that point) and I literally got all of Doug’s events so, so easily. I didn’t have to do any of the dreaded reloading tricks or anything, and even though I was also technically dating Vishnal and Arthur, Doug was the first one I got all the events for and the first marriage event to just happen naturally in-game, so I’d like to think it was just meant to be (lol). I’d love to someday play through as Lest as well and finally romance one of the girls, maybe Forte or Dolce… or Xiao Pai… these games have TOO MANY great characters in them I swear, it makes it hard to pick just one!

I have played a good portion of 3 as well, but I wanted to get everyones events done, esp the wooly reveal events, and I’ve just been so focused on other things, I guess, that I still havent finished it - heck, I havent touched it in like 7 months :( I should really do that actually… Anyways, 3 is going to be hard for me to pick a spouse bc, again, there are so many good characters. I think I’m leaning Raven not necessarily bc she’s my all around favorite but because weirdly I ship her the most with Micah? I’m not sure if that’s how you’re supposed to play these games but one thing I really value with the Rune Factory series in particular over, like, Harvest Moon or Stardew Valley, is that the protags get to BE characters, and not just cardboard stand-ins!!! I know they’re mostly written fairly neutrally so you can play how you want, but they all *Definitely* have their own quirks and I absolutely love that. Theres certainly a time and a place for self inserts but honestly I personally tend to find myself more drawn into a game when the protagonists have their own stakes in the world besides I, The Player, Am Playing A Game In A Fantasy World That I Do With As I Please. Even if it’s just in what sort of dialogue choices you’re given or something, which HM/SV also dont really have as much of. (Cough unless the game in question is Animal Crossing. I guess they’ve really got me there. Cough) So, not that I dont like Raven in her own right, but I just really love their whole plotline together? RF3 does a really great job with character growth that, coming from someone seeing the series in reverse, I think RF4’s system of town events kind of mitigated, with the whole randomness factor meaning they couldnt link as many characters to any one overarching series of events. And I really love how Raven and Micah’s events go and i think ending them in romance is just super sweet. It should also be noted that I AM a sucker for a quiet-badass-who’s-sort-of-sassy-in-a-blink-and-you-miss-it-way x literal-sunshine-and-everyone-loves-them-and-they’re-always-in-everyones-business dynamic, for sure. As far as my actual favorite rf3 bachelorette, I think maybe Marian might take the cake? She’s so wacky and out there but her whole insecurity thing really touched me. That might change whichever way the wind is blowing on the day you ask me, though. To be quite honest with you, I fell hard for the whole town of Sharance and I could probably write essays on every single one of the marriage options in 3. Also though, I ended up shipping like all the bachelorettes with each other, sooo… my bad, Micah, my bad, lmao.

I also own Tides of Destiny, but my Wii started freaking out not long after I got it and I usually prefer to play handheld games anyway, so I started it but I never got too far. Someday I’ll play it. (I’m really hoping to get my hands on 2 sometime soon though because the idea of marriage rivals is SO up my alley - I’m sure it’s a pain to program but I wish more dating sims would do that!!! Maybe it’s just bc I’m someone who loves to ship just as much if not sometimes more than to see my own playable character have their romance play out, but I think it’s a super fun idea and makes the whole thing more grounded in the setting, that things can happen and relationships change outside of the protag’s involvement, too.)

So yeah. GREAT questions, my friend. I do love farming sims and non-NSFW dating sims in general and add onto that dungeon crawling and monster taming??? Plus it has a plot (even if it’s an albeit fairly simple one)?? Rune Factory really has it all, man. BUT if I’m being totally honest I think the best part of Rune Factory for me has always been the characters. I dont know how they manage to make the towns feel so alive and balance out all the personalities so well but they’ve really got it down. Maybe they have a secret formula somewhere… I’d love to see it :P

And!! I’d love to hear YOUR favorites as well??? Thanks again for the ask! I dont get a lot so I dont check super frequently and I really hope this hasn’t been sitting in my box for too long. You’re more than welcome to talk to me whenever too! :)

[mercutiglo]

i have a lot of emotions about this bout from tonight so while i usually dont put things under the cut in relation to derby, i will rn because im really emotional and just like upset. i would just like to disclaim that im not mad at any one person other than myself, i really hope it doesnt come off as me being angry at anyone else

step one, it was amazing. i felt like i played the best i ever had, and made some really really amazing blocks and just it was good. and pixie found me someone to pay my dues for the rest of the season, which is honestly so absolutely amazing that is so absolutely just fucking wonderful and fantastic because this guy doesnt even know me but was willing to do this for me which honeslty was just so great.

now onto step two. aka the negatives. (okay my nose just dripped snot onto my mousepad while i was looking at something else wtf nose.) so like i was really upset in the second half because what happened was I got a penalty at the very end of the first half and so i started the second half in the box. i got out of the box and about two seconds later the jam ended, so i didnt do anything. then i wasnt planned to go out until jam 6 i think (a long ass time) and then there were people in the box, and so i was held and so i just like kept. sitting. and this is after a ten minute halftime, a really long like time out of official review or something, and just. ugh. and i didnt really know how to be like “hey coach put me in coach” because i’ve never done a team sport before this. and since i also have the actual worst control over my emotions, i just start crying. and so i dont think i actually went out until like jam 11 or something and like thank goodness i was with like coli stabby and i think barb because i was feeling really shitty (i think that was the one where we frustrated the shit out of val too and just like that made me feel a good bit better) and i think if i had felt shitty on the line with people who were also newer i woulda still felt terrible because i woulda been just super confused and a mess like during warmups. and okay this happened last bout too (i watched a piece of the livestream) and like i absolutely know that its not my fault (if anything esp this time around its not my fault because i was the only one paying attention also this was when slam was like “hey nice job out there” i want to remember that) but like i think it was bobash just like zooped around and oh i think stabby was out and it was me bex and someone else and just like the first pass i barely clipped her so it didnt do anything but the second time i actually managed to get in her way a little but like we were tied. and then the kilmores (or last time, the deltas) just like made it like an 8-10 point differential in one jam. and i was out on the track, just bein a point. just. i just felt so terrible and so useless and i just could not control the tears after being sat for half of the period. and then like i had skinny come talk to me about it because appartently the same thing happened to her her second season, then my mother asked me what happened and i was just gettin real upset with her because i told her not to fuckin ask, kat came and said something to me, grin i know said something about it idr when tho coulda been on the bench coulda been afterwords during the delta/femme bout. just like. stabby also totally like freaked out mommed me too because she saw that i was like visibly upset/crying and switched into that demeanor adults use with crying toddlers that arent theirs. also knowing that the kilmores have been wanting this for years.

so yeah i had an absolutely amazing bout but also a really like kinda shitty bout.

EDIT: okay so its the next morning and i learned that temporary tattoos dont come off easier the next day, i hate them (i put them on my cheeks, you’ll see in the photos i post in a little bit). also, i realized that part of what pissed me off was at one point in my half period of sitting salty was jamming the announcer for the kilmores said “the salt in salty maudes name is from the tears of bangers” and just like okay. i get that youre announcing for the kilmores and they were up by like 40 points. but like. there was still a lot of time left something could have happened okay. we coulda come back (although we didnt and we just kept getting fouls.) like ugh. i hated that. 

but back onto the positive note side, sugar made a post about how she wanted to be more like a bunch of different people and i was one of them on terms of bout sass and honestly im so glad my sass permeates all sports

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i got some things to get off my chest.

ummmm. theres a lot on my mind i guess.

it feels kind of weird having a roommate after not having one for so long but it makes me happy to know someone else is home when i do. it’s easy to talk to her or just choose to go straight to my room after a long day. i am happy to have claire here.

amanda decided to stay in st louis for another week and a part of me is hurt that she didnt think to tell me. ive just been trying to give her space after she didnt respond to me last time. i just assumed she was busy and i really do want her to be able to rest back at home and just be with her family. i think i would want to do the same in california so ive been doing my best to just keep some distance between myself and her. i do miss her though. 

i was really happy i was able to be there for her with the whole ICP thing but when wookie casually mentioned how she went to an ICP event recently for the BTJ tour, i felt a little betrayed. did she lie to me? i thought she hadnt spoken or interacted with any of them in almost a year. why would she keep that from me? 

ive also slowly been slowly getting involved with ICP again just by hanging out with Wookie again on Wednesdays and getting to meet new people. a part of me feels like im betraying Lakeview for doing so but i dont want to let them go. 

ive also been doing my best to keep some distance between myself and johnathan&jason. i think i was too clingy and desperate in the past. tho, surprisingly, johnathan recently reached out to me and asked to go climbing together. i agreed and we’re set to hangout on friday which i am excited about. but we dont usually have much to talk about so....we’ll see how it goes i guess! ive been trying to think of things to ask him bc i noticed that he wont share more information than whats absolutely necessary. maybe i can ask him more about how israel is and maybe challenges that arose? we’ll see!?

i really hope the best for him and amanda. tbh, i think i was both of them at one point in my life. too serious and couldnt take a joke. too insecure and just wanted to please everyone. now im here. depressed and just struggling how to move on from here. 

while talking to elizabeth and skylar recently, i was wondering if maybe the reason it’s so hard for me to talk to people at church is bc the people at school are usually a lot more willing to share than those at church? so it feels like im trying a lot harder to carry the conversation bc people expect to be served when they first come to lakeview. 

BUT, i gotta humble myself! bc i was really no better when i first came. and theres nothing to be gained by being “better” anyway.

i really miss old MAST and the meetings we had. i didnt think i would miss everything and everyone so much. it makes me feel sad how much everything is changing. tho i am slowly starting to learn how to let go. esp since jason, johnathan, and amanda have been gone for a while. and ive been pretty distant with pjosh lately too. i just want to allow him to rest during this summer and have fun and relax. he deserves it after such a stressful year. and i do really want to help and support him and make his job easier as much as i can.

im done receiving. i want to help now.

i am excited to be able to hangout with johnathan one on one for once tho. i wonder why he wanted to hangout. maybe bc he knows his time is limited and wants to spend make the most of his time still in chicago with the people he cares about? who knows.

maybe pjosh tipped him off since i asked to meet up with pjosh this week and he couldnt. i do still definitely want to tell pjosh that im thinking of moving to SF. and the more i research, the more right it feels. it pretty much just feels like im planning for my future at this point. but another part of me really doesnt want to leave chicago. i would probably cry a lot on my last day with everyone here. i dont want to say goodbye. i love so many people here so much. i dont want to leave. and at the end of the day, it is my choice but a part of me feels like i have to let go and move on from this part of my life. as much as it sucks and as much as i dont want to, it feels like something i just need to do. sigh.

maybe i’ll ask johnathan what people in NorCal usually do and try to incorporate that into my SF schedule.

i wonder if he’ll ask if i was upset or avoided him before. bc he was more active in talking with me, idk if he picked up on it. i think im okay with telling him i was just upset with them both not bc of anything they had necessarily done but just bc seeing them two just told me that they were moving on and i felt like i was being left behind. which, i talked it through with amanda and felt exponentially better after our conversation. i didnt realize they had talked about the spaces they had cultivated and wanting to keep it the same even tho they were entering into a relationship together. and i could see that and i do appreciate that. but, a part of me will always kinda feel like a third wheel with them. i know they probably wont be super coupley or lovey dovey around me but i will still very clearly know that theyre in a relationship together. that they’re each other’s go to person now. it isnt me anymore for amanda and i never was that person for johnathan. but things change and i’ll always know we wont ever be that close again or anymore. it kinda hurts but im learning to just accept, let go, and move on.

for a long time, my greatest fear was dealing with the fact that no matter how hard i try or how much work i put in, my best will never be good enough. but, after feeling hopeless over my inability to change the hearts of NU students and giving it to God and just trusting in Him in the process instead, it did give me a pretty great sense of relief.

my coping mechanism is to isolate myself. to take a step back and run away and just try and deal with the problem on my own. the reason i became so clingy and latched onto the seniors this past year was because i was so shocked when they actually responded positively and wanted to help me. i didnt know how to properly react to that because it felt so foreign. and i guess i just became too much. even now, i always think about self harming myself or just not telling people how i feel for long periods of time and them finding out by some accident and me feeling so much shame and crying out, “i am so sorry! you were never supposed to find out! you were never supposed to know about this!” sigh.

i guess i have pretty self destructive behavior, haha.

it’s just easier to deal with by myself w/o the variables of other people. not having to worry if im talking too much or being too selfish or this or that. if im the only one trying to solve it, i only have to worry about myself making out on the other side alive.

maybe thats why i want to kill myself so often haha.

i am really stressed out about this whole andrew and sofia thing and i really dont know what to do. a part of me wants to share the gospel with andrew and hopefully rely on God to help him overcome his addiction but if i myself do not currently have a stable faith, what right do i have to share this with him when i know i’ll be questioned and persecuted for it.

but i really dont know what the right course of action is to take now. i think i would’ve been better equipped to answer in the past but now my life just feels like it’s in disarray and i dont know what to do anymore.

i think leaving chicago for a while will be good for me tho. just being able to get away and relax from everyone. i think it’ll help me get a more clear mind. hopefully. hopefully i wont just be stressed over my grandpa and this whole breakup thing the whole time. ugh. i really dont mean to be selfish but i do wish i could just go home and rest and not have to worry about anything! really! sigh.

but anyway, God, i give this to you. im also really hoping that somehow at sa-rang, i can come back to you and be reminded of you are in my life. i feel like i’ve grown so far away from you and it’s become so much more about living in fear and not sharing too much in fear of scaring people away but craving intimacy. i hope i can find that back home at sa-rang, even with all my fears and insecurities regarding that place. 

thank you.

i feel nervous but im doing my best to just trust in you and through this process.

[zhaoly]

ok really long post ahead, sorry for mobile users since i dont think the spoiler break works on mobile iirc

i finally finished the main quest for fo4.. um.... was that it?? that was kinda my first reaction lol. ok i have SO many thoughts as i always do when i finish a game.. maybe more for this one tho

so i ended up doing both the minutemen and bos endings because they split relatively late in the story so i just made two separate saves... they were basically the same except i thought following liberty prime was kinda fun lol. i liked watching him pick up a behemoth and then just throwing it to the ground

so now that i’ve like... finished the game.... i guess i can see why people complain that fo4 is more of an fps than an rpg

like.... i’ve dumped a ton of hours into this game, but that’s mostly because i’ve spent a lot of time building settlements lol. besides that, the story does seem to be lacking a bit. i think it definitely had potential, but nothing was really fleshed out that well... like if i try to think back on what i did, i’m like.. ??

maybe part of that is because four main factions was a little ambitious? i just feel like there wasn’t much opportunity to actually get to know each faction and like actually feel like you were involved with them

1) minutemen - i mean, you got a shitton of radiant quests from preston (which drove me crazy very early on and got modded out)... and then what? you claim settlements and that’s about it. reclaiming the castle is as deep as the story gets. besides that all you have is radiant quests

also there were like... zero named characters besides preston who were actually really involved with the minutement. like there was ronnie shaw but she just ends being a merchant later, and i didn’t even get the proper armory quest from her because my game glitched out. so basically she was just a unique merchant for me

and like... who else is there?? there’s the sanctuary crew and some named settlers but none of them are really part of the “minutemen.” so like you didn’t really get to talk to members of the faction and stuff and actually feel like you were immersed in the story. like i know that the story is that you’re rebuilding the minutemen so there’s supposed to be no one but preston, but later on as you claim settlements and expand the minutement and stuff there’s still nothing... no new story, quest, npcs... you have to do some dungeon clearing quests for some of the named settlers but that’s literally it.

i liked their general “for the people” thing but like... they never really expanded on it... they did end up being one of the two factions that i sided with because of their cause but i just think the story (or lack thereof, really) with them was pretty bland

2) railroad - well i was considering joining them very early on cause i do think their cause is decent, i like deacon, and i accidentally spoiled for myself that danse is a synth (i like danse because i mean you know me and my beef)... but then i felt like they were a little too focused on the synths. like that was literally just their entire cause. and i just felt like that was just too narrow.

and you met these characters that you really just.... met and then nothing ever happened later with them! like high rise, mister tims, idk what the point of drummer boy was, etc..

and again there were just a ton of radiant quests... at least they were all finite, but like there was what? helping that one safehouse (forgot the name), mila quests, and pam’s caches. the ticonderoga quest was kinda interesting but i wish there was something more besides “here’s ticonderoga. oh whoops it gets destroyed later. haha!”

3) institute - well i disliked them right off the bat because they were the ones who not only MURDERED MY HUSBAND but also KIDNAPPED AND BRAINWASHED MY CHILD (yes i consider it brainwashing)????? like come on. i take this stuff very personally man. it’s the same reason why i joined the stormcloaks in skyrim (before realizing what a bunch of racist assholes they are but.... i digress) cause i was like WHY tf would i join a group that tried to execute me with absolutely zero cause

so i’m just like why would i join a group that murdered my husband (right in front of my eyes i might add) and kidnapped my child. hello??? like yeah i hated the fact that they gave you a goddamn baby in the first place, but since i had it i was like WELL I AM OUTRAGED THAT THEY DID THIS TO MY CHILD.

then there was the whole deal with them actually taking real people (and presumably murdering them) and replacing them with synth copies. i HATED that a lot and it was a big turnoff on top of all of my personal grievances against them. their elitist attitude towards the commonwealth was annoying as fuck as well as their manufacturing of gen 3 synths for what was basically slave labor. also there were like random conversations that would occur between scientists and synths and the scientists were such assholes.

oooooh and the part where you ask shaun why he decided to let you out of your cryo pod and he’s like “well... i suppose that i just wanted to see what would happen” and i was like BITCH WHAT?????? EXCUSE ME?????? THAT’S YOUR REASON?? 

like the shaun/father thing was an interesting twist in the story... but it def was not enough to make me want to join the institute. esp with that craphole reason that he gave me for letting me out of the cryo pod. and like the dude is basically a stranger to you, why tf would you just join the institute bc he’s “”””family””””? i suppose they tried to make it a more difficult dilemma by really trying to push your character’s story in the “i’m looking for my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” direction before you actually find out what happened to shaun, but i didnt find that a very compelling plot point in the first place.... so it had pretty much no bearing on my decision

also. the synth shaun. he made the synth shaun which is like super weird and a little creepy. like this kid’s never gonna age.... i mean 50 years from now he’s gonna be a 60 y-o in a 10 y-o’s body!!!!!!!! who tf thought that was a good idea?? i mean i’m on the “gen 3 synths are truly sentient” train cause the game basically does nothing to show you otherwise. you have institute scientists telling you that they aren’t, but literally everything in the game shows you that they are. also danse

and then their cause... they say they’re the “best hope for humanity” and stuff but like what are they actually doing to help humanity. the only beneficial thing they did was create gmos like that huge pumpkin (while replacing roger ww in the process which as i mentioned before was something i hated). besides that, wtf are they doing besides hiding away in their blindingly white laboratories experimenting w/ synths?? 

anyway yeah i hated the institute but i guess in terms of “story” they did a little better than the railroad and minutemen. but they honestly got a helping hand from the fact that shaun was involved with them and a large part of the story early on was looking around for information about shaun and being able to ask npcs about the institute. however once you proceeded past a certain point they also fell into a very boring routine of having a handful of radiant quests available and not much else involving them

4) bos - well.... i def felt like they were super culty when i first went onto the prydwen. and i really dont like their stance on gen 3s and non-feral ghouls. but i do like that theyre out and about clearing the commonwealth of super mutants, ferals, and raiders lol. 

i really really hate the whole danse thing tho and how close-minded they are about him :( i did see that there was actually cut content where you could challenge maxson and danse would get his rank back and i kinda wish that they actually implemented that. i dont really want the elder role but i’d like the chance to do something where you could shift the bos’s opinion on gen 3s, even if only slightly... like THAT would be a good story element, come on! 

but w/e. i really didnt like them at first but i like their aesthetic compared to everyone else and their general cause (at least theyre not like opening fire on the slog, right... ?) ..

anyway i might just stick with their ending as my “main” playthrough cause afaict they’re not much diff from the minutemen ending except i get the sentinel rank, and you actually have some named people that you can interact with about your choice.

ok im actually really tired of writing this post... i actually have so many more thoughts haha but i dunno if i’ll be able to get them all out because as if on cue i’m getting tired around midnight.. anyway

yeah so the story was eh and i wish it went more in depth. like, even though i wasnt super fond of fnv’s story, i did think it was more immersive and detailed... i think fo4 had a lot of potential but sadly didn’t quite deliver. tbh i think the game couldve gone without the railroad if four factions really did just spread them too thin while in development.

like i think the part of the story with kellogg was good... the whole thing about trying to find the identity of this guy, searching his home, searching for him, looking through his memories, etc was pretty interesting. i liked how we were able to see his backstory and something about him that wasn’t just “dude who murdered my husband.” like that was all good stuff! but the story REALLY deteriorated after that... i mean you just end up having to kill the guy and then he’s just out of the story completely.

oh and like related to that--what was that whole deal with nick speaking in kellogg’s voice briefly after you finish in the memory den??? why would they just throw in a line like that and not expand on it at all???? that bugged me SO MUCH because again there was so much potential there!!! if kellogg had somehow gotten into nick’s mind you could be presented with so many new options. like how do you get him out? can you get him out? who do you go to for help? etc etc etc NOT JUST SOME THROWAWAY LINE THAT ACTUALLY DOES NOTHING AHHH

speaking of which. fo4 seems to do that a LOT. like maybe it’s recency bias bc i really dont remember all the details of fnv to be able to compare, but i feel like fo4 has a ton of little throwaway things that are interesting details but aren’t expanded on at all. like not even a little bit. i think there needs to be a certain balance between details and mini stories... like fo4 dangled SO many of these little details in your face that you just never got to expand on at all.. i love an interesting world where you can discover things that dont really have an impact on the main story or anything but these scraps just drove me crazy.

also there were like... no vaults??? i feel like fnv had a lot more... fo4 has vault 95 for cait (and a kinda boring purpose/story imo). the vault of triggermen where you find nick. the vault for refining human genes. vault 81. and that’s it.. i felt like i spent a lot more time in vaults in fnv? and they had some creepier stories/experiments too

ok like my brain... is really slowing down but i will at least get a few more thoughts down before i go to sleep

SETTLEMENTS. LORD HELP ME. again, a great concept with so much potential but poor execution. i really enjoyed settlements--with mods. vanilla settlements are just so horribly lacking. for one thing not being able to clean up your settlement is just terrible. you really would just have to leave piles of trash, garbage, debris, 200-YEAR-OLD SKELETONS, etc, lying around your settlement!!!!! where you’re supposed to have people living!!

settlers themselves also have some pretty terrible ai. theyre stupid af. their pathing is godawful. i am extremely proud of them when they actually are able to successfully navigate a structure i built because it is such a goddamn struggle for them! like they’re literally coded to take the shortest possible straight line path so i get tons of them walking into walls trying to get to their destination instead of walking around them, going through doorways, using stairs etc (yes theyre all navmeshed)... it’s actually so aggravating

also settlements themselves are incredibly and frustratingly buggy. the resources getting messed up in your pip boy bug is super annoying. there’s a shit ton of other bugs with them that i’m just too tired to list but i’m like ahhh god i feel like i’m playing a beta version of this shit! also what’s up with them spawning on top of buildings in sanctuary?

ok yeah i have a lot of crticisms for the game so it may not seem like i enjoyed it but i actually did. i think the story was decent up until after you finished kellogg’s part, cause after that it just got really boring (which is lame because seriously, the story gets boring after you can start decided which faction/s you want to join??)

but mods def contributed a lot to my enjoyment, esp my settlement mods... like most of my mods are settlement mods lol. so like... if i played vanilla fo4 i do doubt that i’d have enjoyed it as much. i do actually like the fps aspect of it, but i think there are too many places that are overloaded with enemies.. so you’re constantly fighting shit. it gets kind of annoying after a while.

OH THAT JUST REMINDED ME. GUNNERS. another thing that had potential but ended up just being... ??? raiders but fancier??? you could literally switch out all the gunners for raiders and nothing would change. when i first encountered them i was really excited cause i thought it was a new side faction but they’re literally just... raiders. but fancy. it’s disappointing af. there’s no story behind them... you can get into gunners plaza and find some holotapes from the leader and some members but then there’s nothing else! you don’t ever get to find out what the story is behind all of it! again with dangling some details in front of your face and then just never expanding on it at all. ugh gunners were seriously a big disappointment for me.

okay i’m actually done now cause i’m tired and typing this out actually took a lot of time lol. i still have a ton of thoughts but i need to sleep. lame