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ioma-twinks-blog
Juju
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Puro Libro
easeupnow
Ease Up Now
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Bir Sevdalı
dracimexidae
True love shouldn't require suffering
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Ngl my nighttime walks make me want to take up smoking but at the same time I love the fresh air
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even when i say nothing it's a beautiful use of negative space
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Just did my hair like Rick from TYO and I feel better
#the ricktails are actually cute and make me happy even tho I didn’t do such a great job#and then rest of my hair is just scooped up into a mess on the top of my head but that’s fine too#but I’m just in the comfort of my room having fun#10/10 will be doing again👍
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guy who doesn't live his life: i hate being alive
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every time i hear about someone my age or younger who lives in their own apartment with a real job i hit the wall and go WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY until the neighbors call police
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no worse feeling than watching a concert you SHOULD have attended but unfortunately you were four years old at the time and not in the right country at all
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they hate to see a big fucking pathetic coward loser winning
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everything just really comes down to how I wasn't a person for most of my life. by which I mean I did not consider myself a person. it made such a profound impact on the way I navigated the world & yet standing on the other side of it I could hardly explain it to you
#recently read a book about loneliness and one of the things that stuck out to me was about denying your own existence through lack of speech#...unfortunately very me as a child and even now still sometimes
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i can't keep living like this!!! [does not change a single aspect of my life]
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i feel like milhouse
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quite possibly the worst pinterest recommendations I've gotten
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#I would also get distracted by special features of París Texas#not to sound too much like I have a problem but I have so many journal pages dedicated to that movie#like entire essays and essays/analysis other people have written
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sometimes your sex drive is nonexistent. but you must keep jacking off, if only for the love of the game.
#umm this is maybe too tmi even for this but i think that i really only started to actually *get it* like a few months ago#what was i even doing before that? just jerking it for fun? idk but i was so
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i know i know fear of being perceived but also not knowing how people perceive me is scary too
this is going to be a long one so too much for the tags but i really don't know how people perceive me, especially in regards to gender/identity/presentation and it scares me that i'll get harassed. but also this fear seems unfounded because people probably perceive me as a woman but also maybe they think i'm trans, which isn't an issue itself but if they are transphobic then theyll start yelling at me when i use the bathroom. i know how unrealistic this is: yes i have short hair and wear loose fitting clothing but i also don't think i read as masculine,, at most people may think im a tomboy or a girl who just isnt that feminine or whatever (if they're even thinking about that, which idk they probably aren't right?). i guess my biggest fear about this is i will make another woman uncomfortable somehow and that will lead to some transphobic attack. again i realize how unrealistic this is bc yes i wear loose clothing but im pretty sure some of my figure (i.e. breasts) are still visible and I dont have a deep voice and I dont think I have many physically masculine features...so why do I have this fear??
#I know its so irrational but also I cannot convince myself that others do see me as a woman#tbh I don't 100 percent know my gender and sometimes feel weird about it but im afab and I don't think people perceive me as a transwoman#but i feel as if I can't know that for certain#or maybe they think im some sort of gender freak which could be fine but also people thinking ur weird + treating badly for it is not good#so i really fear that ostracism and harassment even tho I don't think its realistically something that will happen to me#(at least not for my gender...maybe?)#i rarely wear dresses now but the few times i have i get scared people will think 'a man in a dress' and attack/harass me#and they proably just see a girl a dress but my own discomfort in a dress is making me project#this whole thing is probably me projecting bc I;m uncomfortable#but in my gender identity? in my clothing? i dont know exactly what i'm uncomfortable by and that's what makes this hard#idk how to address the root of the problem
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living with the consequences of my own (self-inflicted) stunted social development
#i don't know how much is my fault and how much is external factors of feeling awkward/shy but i do take a lot of responsibility#especially for isolating myself and not reaching out to friends...it really is an unfortunate cycle of me being too shy#and too scared to even reach out to others and then i had no social practice so i was even more scared#now im a senior in college and have no friends and have to start from scratch with all the new people i meet#kind of mourning that time i spent locked up in my room and not trying to socialize...it really set me back and now i have nothing#i had like one friend who would reach out and we'd get meals together but i was never good at maintaining that#so if they dont want to continue that's fair of them#but i guess its just embarrassing to have nothing to show for these years and maybe I can make some close friendships this last year#and who knows if those will last postgrad or if i'll just have to start over in a new situation/new job#i'm just mad at myself bc I've been doing a lot of socializing for school events this past few days and it's been pretty good#a few times ive been withdrawn but overall im proud of myself but it just makes me wonder what it'd be like if I'd gotten over this earlier
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sorry i overreacted i had no idea everything would be fine
#went to a social event and it went really well and I didn't feel that nervous in the moment and actually started some conversations#:) big win for me#have more social stuff this week and I'm hoping this new confidence will carry over
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