#undiagnosed PTSD

[guardian-of-da-gay]

Trust Issues

Read on Ao3

For Whumptober 2024 Prompt 2: Trust Issues

tw for referenced physical assault, undiagnosed PTSD

Sonic and Tails were away at a friend's sleepover.  Which was cool because Tom loved that they were making friends with other kids.  Less cool because Knuckles didn’t get invited.  Knuckles said he didn’t want to go anyway, and Tom believed him.  He just wished Knuckles could have… more.  Maddie told him he worries too much, but Tom just cares a lot about his kids and it (yeah, okay) worries him that Sonic and Tails get to go have fun at a sleepover while Knuckles does a million one-armed push-ups alone in the attic.

Tom proposed an impromptu movie night.  He told Knuckles they could even watch something rated R–special, forbidden films that were extra violent with bad words that only Knuckles was allowed to watch with them because he was the oldest.  Knuckles was lured in by the flattering prospect of special treatment.  His only request was that they eat key lime pie.

Which was weird!  But actually do-able.  Shelly at the local diner made a mean key lime and they’d just recently gotten Grubhub.  They got their pie ordered, got out extra blankets, let Ozzie out for the last time before he retired to his bed in the hallway, their pie arrived, and it was movie time.

He and Maddie picked a film they thought Knuckles would enjoy.  But halfway through Tom looked over and saw something he’d never seen before: Knuckles had fallen asleep.  How ‘Gladiator’ could lull him to sleep, he didn’t know, but there he was.  Knuckles was curled up against the armrest, knees to his chest, his arms pillowing his head.

Naturally, he and Maddie lowered the volume and proceeded to ignore the movie and enjoy the rare moment of peaceful, quiet Knuckles.

“He’s so cute when he’s not breaking things,” Maddie cooed softly.

“Or threatening civil servants,” Tom chuckled, keeping his voice low.  “You know, I’ve never seen him asleep?”

“Really?”  Maddie turned to look at him, the movie throwing strange shadows across her face in the low lighting.  “Don’t you check on them at night?”

“Yeah.”  Everytime he worked late and wasn’t there to tuck them in… which Knuckles didn’t really let him do.  Too grown up, Tom understood.  “But he’s always up when I check… It’s actually kinda creepy sometimes.  I’ll poke my head up and he’s lying in bed just staring at me.”

Maddie snickered into her hand and rolled her eyes fondly.  “This boy!”

“I know.”  Their boy.

Knuckles slept on.  His face scrunched slightly, brows furrowing even in sleep.  Hopefully not because they were talking too loud.  But no, Tom could see his eyes flicking beneath his lids.  Dreaming then.  Knuckles shivered.

Tom frowned.  “Maybe we should just let him rest.”

Maddie hummed.  “Alright,” she said.  “Maximus can wait another day.”  She paused the movie and started clearing away the pie plates.

They had a quilt Tom’s mother made lying across the back of the couch, Tom pulled it off and unfolded it.  He’d put a blanket over Sonic plenty of times.  Tails too.  He’d never got to tuck Knuckles in though.  Just the thought made him feel a rush of fondness for his prickly, oldest kid.

The blanket touched Knuckles–

“GET AWAY!”

Tom hit the wall across the room.  All the breath left him with a whoosh.

Knuckles leapt off the couch and skidded across the floor, his quills glowing red.

Ozzie jolted out of his bed and started barking.

Tom crumpled to the floor, stunned.

“What’s going on?”  Maddie ran into the room.  She dodged as Knuckles blasted past her and through the backdoor.

Literally through it.  Splinters and shards of glass scattered across the back deck.  In a second, Knuckles had vanished into the forest.

Maddie stood there with her mouth open.  Ozzie was whining as he checked on a wheezing Tom.  She turned to him, shocked.  Tom was too busy trying to catch his breath and get the dog off of him to say anything.  After a long bout of silence she finally asked:

“What happened?”

***

Knuckles was deep into the forest before he finally stopped.  He was unusually breathless and looked around, making well and sure he was out of sight of the house.  His heart raced as the reality of what happened came to him.

Tom had tried to kill him in his sleep!

But why would Tom attack him?  Was he seeking vengeance for the damage Knuckles had caused House Wachowski?  For attacking Sonic and leading Robotnik to the Master Emerald?  Or was he acting on behalf of Longclaw?  He was, in some ways, her successor.  Sonic had set their historic feud aside, but had his guardians?

The one thing that was obvious was the reason why Tom had waited until he slept: Despite being the tribe’s patriarch, he was vastly physically inferior to Knuckles.

Perhaps that was why Tom was always checking on Tails and Sonic as they slept!  Knuckles had assumed he was merely taking his role as tribe leader seriously by tending to the youngest members.  Perhaps he was actually checking that Knuckles was asleep!  It made perfect sense now.  This was Tom’s plan all along; gain Knuckles’ trust so he wouldn’t expect an attack.  He’d plied him with key of lime pie and a relaxing film, lulling him into a false sense of security so he could strike while Knuckles was unaware!  It wouldn’t be the first time Knuckles was betrayed, nor the first time he was targeted in his sleep.  

It was time to call on the assistance of his trustworthy tribe members.

Knuckles found Sonic and Tails at their sleeping over party.  They made him leave their slumbering companion’s bedroom and convene outside the house.  Knuckles understood.  Prying ears and all that.  He reported what had happened.  Unfortunately Sonic was too easily distracted.

“Okay, first of all:” he said.  “Snapping off window locks and crawling through second story windows at midnight is exactly the kind of behavior that gets you not invited to sleepovers.”

Knuckles scoffed.  He didn’t care about that!  He would never be able to sleep in a stranger’s home anyway.  For the very same reason why he rarely slept at House Wachowski.  It just wasn’t safe.  And it was even less safe now!

“Second of all: This is probably an honest mistake.”

Knuckles’ jaw dropped in shock.  The hedgehog didn’t believe him?!  “I think you mean: It was probably an honest murder attempt!”

“What did he do, though?”  Tails asked.

“I told you.  I awoke and he was standing over me with a weapon–”

“What kind of weapon?”  Of course Tails would ask, he was a builder of weapons after all.

“A blanket–”

“What?!” Sonic actually laughed.  “Dude, I think he was just trying to put a blanket on you!”

“He was trying to smother me when I was vulnerable!  But I stopped him in time.”

Sonic looked like he was going to laugh more, then paused.  “Wait, ‘stopped him’?  What does ‘stopped him’ entail?”

“I forced him away and broke out the back door.”

Sonic clapped a hand over his face.

“You broke the back door?”  Tails asked.  “But we only just got the wall fixed!”

“That was months ago!”  Knuckles said, voice petulant.  These two were getting distracted by useless details!

“Right… and then what happened?” Sonic asked, sounding suddenly very tired.

“I came here.”

“You didn’t check in with Tom or Maddie?”

“No, of course not!”

The two shared a look that Knuckles did not understand.

“Okay.  I think you just need to go home,” Sonic said.

“Have you not heard what I just told you?”  Knuckles demanded.  He couldn’t go back!  Or… he supposed he could.  Tom’s most potent weapon was a blanket and his arms were long but very weak.  As long as Knuckles was awake and alert, the puny human wouldn’t be able to harm him.

“I heard it,” Sonic said.  “And I think you’ve got nothing to worry about.  Tom won’t attack you.  I promise.  The worst thing that’ll happen when you get back–” he winced as he spoke “--is you’re almost definitely gonna get grounded for breaking the door.”

Knuckles threw out his hands in frustration.  Why was Sonic so caught up on silly things when Knuckles had nearly been killed tonight?

“Sonic is right,” Tails said.  “Tom’s nice.  I don’t think he’d ever hurt us… And the longer you’re away the more trouble you’re going to be in with Maddie.”

Oh.  That was a valid concern.  “Very well,” Knuckles said petulantly.  “I will go back.”

He stalked off the porch, unaware of Sonic and Tails sending each other uneasy looks.  They were clearly too naive to understand Tom’s true nature.  Knuckles wouldn’t be able to rely on them for support.  But he couldn’t just abandon his vow either.  And he must accept punishment for breaking the door or risk Maddie’s further wrath.  He would have to return to House Wachowski.  He would just never sleep there again.

*****

Tom had messed up.  That was pretty clear immediately, of course.  The hole where their back door had been was proof of that.  He and Maddie put a tarp up over the hole and sat up for an hour or so, waiting for Knuckles to return.  Eventually they’d agreed their little warrior was probably not coming back and their talking shifted to discussions of whether or not they should go looking for him.  Their oldest had a habit of leaving for ‘patrols’ in the middle of the night, so he was no stranger to Montana’s nocturnal wilderness.  Eventually they decided to go to bed.

Maddie tossed and turned all night.  Tom knew this because he didn’t sleep much either.

In the morning Knuckles was back.  He reported immediately to Maddie for his ‘sentencing’.  Maddie told him the punishment she and Tom had agreed on: he was grounded until the door was replaced and he also had to clean up the mess he’d made.  Knuckles nodded his head and didn’t look Tom’s way once.  Tom noticed, but didn’t pay it much mind.

Except Knuckles avoided him for the rest of the day.

Was he embarrassed?  Tom had definitely startled him last night and Knuckles had super overreacted… Tom would be embarrassed if he were Knuckles.  But he wasn’t, so he was just worried.

“You doing alright, bud?”  He finally worked up to ask.

Knuckles’ gaze shot to him lightning fast.  “I am in perfect health.” He said it with such venom that Tom was taken aback.

Okay, maybe Knuckles wasn’t embarrassed.  Maybe Knuckles was mad.

Tom’s suspicion was confirmed as the days passed.  Knuckles sat as far away from him as possible during meals.  He’d stalk out of the room if Tom was the only one in it, sit on the floor rather than share the couch, and stand guard at the attic window instead of joining in for bed time stories.

Tom asked Maddie if she’d noticed and she said she hadn’t.  He wasn’t imagining it though! 

When Knuckles wasn’t avoiding him, he was glaring.  Tom kept looking up from housework or yardwork to realize the echidna was watching him.  Usually in a place where Tom could see him, but nobody else would.  Not to mention the last time he’d come home late and gone to check the boys, he’d found Knuckles at the top of the stairs.

The echidna warrior was sitting in the dark, sharpening a spear tip with a stone.  He made unbroken eye contact until Tom muttered a hasty ‘good night’ and left.  ‘Unnerving’ didn’t quite cover it.

Tom had thought Knuckles was angry because he was embarrassed that Tom had startled him.  But he suspected that Knuckles was bearing a grudge because he’d gotten punished for being startled.  Maybe Tom shouldn’t have agreed to a punishment.  He had been the one to startle Knuckles after all.  But no, Maddie insisted.  They needed Knuckles to learn to pause and think twice before breaking things around the house.

Unable to convince the warden of an early parole, Tom tried for a peace offering.  Grapes were his go-to, of course.

Knuckles didn’t eat them.

“You know there’s grapes in here,” Sonic said one day.  “I haven’t touched ‘em because I figured they were for you but they’re probably gonna go bad.”

“I know they’re there,” Knuckles said.  He turned his back and went back to his project (whittling a stick with a stone knife).

Everyone paused to stare at him.

“Are you feeling okay, Knuckles?”  Maddie asked.

“I’m fine,” Knuckles said, cutting more aggressively at the wood in his hands and scattering shavings on the floor.  He didn’t look fine though, now that Tom thought of it.  His eye lids were always at half-mast these days and he didn’t have his usual spring in his step.

“Maybe you’re coming down with something,” Tom said.  “Do you want to lie down for a bit?”

Knuckles jerked his head up and gave Tom the most venomous glare.  “I’m fine,” he said.

Tom was starting to not be fine.  It seemed like every time he saw Knuckles, he was busying himself making a weapon.  Which, yeah, Tails did that too.  But there was just something about seeing Knuckles use a sharp instrument to shape another sharp instrument that was unsettling.  And there was the fact that Knuckles had always talked about ‘vengeance’ like it was a hobby.  Tom was starting to think his son was plotting some kind of payback.

Things came to a head when Tom woke from sleep in the middle of the night, cracked his eyes open, and saw a figure at their bedroom door.  Instantly he was wide awake, heart pounding.  It was dark and he could only see the outline, but he recognized the size and shape of his eldest standing in the doorway.  Knuckles didn’t move.  Didn’t react at all to Tom raising his head.  Except his eyes.  His eyes glowed red.

The hair stood up on the back of Tom’s neck.  He felt like a rabbit getting stared down by a wolf.  And just like a rabbit, he froze.  What else could he do?  Knuckles was faster and stronger than him.  If the kid decided to do something, there was little Tom could do to stop him.  The moment seemed to stretch into eternity, but eventually Knuckles’ eyes faded and he turned away.

When Tom told Maddie the next morning, she tried to brush him off.  ‘Patrolling the perimeter’ at odd hours had been Knuckles’ habit since he’d first come to live with them.  She was far more concerned about the whole ‘not eating grapes’ thing because that wasn’t like him.

Tom took her hands in his, looked her in the eye and said:  “Honey, remember when I promised I would never be that Scary Movie Husband who doesn’t believe his wife when she says the house is haunted?”

He could tell Maddie was trying not to laugh.  She nodded solemnly.  “I do.”

“Well, I think Knuckles being mad at me and plotting revenge is way more likely than us having a haunted house issue.  I need you to go with me on this one.”

She nodded again and it was more genuine this time.  “Alright,” she said.  “That’s completely fair.  But what do you want to do about it?”

Tom breathed a sigh of relief.  “I think we need to get the Knuckles Whisperer.”

***

“I think Knuckles might be planning to kill me,” Tom told Wade at the town’s new coffee shop.  He felt a little bad baiting Wade with the promise of a hangout with him and Maddie only to make it about Knuckles, but Wade didn’t seem to mind so long as it was their treat.

Wade considered what he said, tapping his fingers on his coffee mug.  “I don’t know,” he said.  “I think if he was planning to kill you, you’d never know, y’know?  He’d just do it.”

Tom winced while Maddie nodded, face pinched.  “Thanks Wade,” she said.

“You’re welcome!”

The waitress swung by their table and dropped off a bagel for Wade.  He happily took it and started loading it up with a ridiculous amount of cream cheese.  “What makes you think that he’d want to though?”

They told him about the incident.  How Tom had tried to put a blanket on a sleeping Knuckles.  How Knuckles had freaked out and been acting off ever since.  Describing all the weird stuff Knuckles had been doing, Tom could tell Maddie was understanding his concern more and more rather than just humoring him.  Tom hoped Wade could offer some insight into why this one little incident would make Knuckles so furious and then some advice for disarming the situation before someone (Tom) got hurt.

When he finished, Wade was nodding sympathetically while wiping schmear off his fingers.  “Yeah,” he said.  “That probably scared the pants off him.  I mean, if he wore pants.”

Tom frowned.  “No…”  Maybe Wade had misheard. “I’m the one who’s scared.  Not Knuckles.”

Wade just shrugged.  “I don’t know, man.  He’s got like… sleep anxiety or something.”

“Sleep anxiety?”  Maddie repeated.

Tom was pretty sure Knuckles didn’t even know the meaning of the word ‘anxiety’.

“Yeah, I mean, he told me he used to get attacked in his sleep a lot.”

“Wait, he told you that?”  Maddie asked.  “When?”

Wade just shrugged casually. “During the Reno trip. He didn’t sleep the whole time.”

Tom’s brows rose.  They’d been gone for days.

“And you just… let him?  Not sleep?  For days?”  Maddie asked, tone bordering on dangerous.

Wade held out his hands helplessly.  “I offered to keep watch but he said he wouldn’t sleep anyway.”  He looked down at his hands and fidgeted with his fingers.  “S’like I said… He’s got some hang ups about sleeping.  Maybe he just got scared really bad and he’s not settling down well?”

Tom and Maddie shared a look.  Tom still couldn’t really comprehend Knuckles being scared.  Knuckles had bruised his ribs and broken their door but he’d been sure it was just because Knuckles was startled.  A knee-jerk reaction, not fear.  But at the same time…

“You did say you’d never seen him sleep before,” Maddie said.

“Yeah… And he’s been looking more and more tired.”

Wade held up a hand as if to say ‘there you go’.

“Okay,” Tom organized his thoughts.  “I think Knuckles and I might need to have a little heart-to-heart to clear the air…”  He thought for a moment.  He’d had talks with Sonic, but not with Knuckles yet.  “Might be time for a father-son fishing trip.”

“He’ll probably like it more than Sonic,” Maddie pointed out.

Wade hummed thoughtfully.  “I don’t know… maybe you should avoid stuff that could be mistaken as being, like… y’know… murder-y.”

They both turned to him with mutual looks of confusion.  “Murder-y?”  Tom repeated.  “Wade, even if I scared him–” Which Tom still didn’t believe. “--Knuckles doesn’t think I’m trying to kill him.”

Wade went back to his finger fidgeting.  “I mean maybe he doesn’t but…”  He struggled to get the right words out, speaking slowly.  “You know, you did kinda… sorta… maybe… hashtag triggered him?  So maybe just avoid doing anything that might be construed as suspicious, just in case!”  The last part he said in a rush right before taking a big, noisy slurp of coffee.

The slurp filled the silence as Maddie and Tom again shared an uneasy glance.  Had Knuckles been triggered?  Tom’s knee-jerk reaction was to say that ‘triggered’ was an overreaction.  But hadn’t Knuckles’ reaction… been an overreaction?  Knuckles could throw people and break down doors when he was perfectly calm and aware, so they hadn’t even questioned it when he’d done it that night.  Now, Tom felt unsure again.

“Okay… Maybe we should have a family meeting,” Maddie said.  “Like a non-confrontational intervention… After which we maybe float the option of counseling past them?”

Tom winced.  Sonic hadn’t been into that idea when they’d thrown it out there for him.  He doubted the other two would be any better.  “We can try,” he said.  “I know a family meeting won’t feel as ‘murder-y’ as a solo fishing trip with me but it might still feel kind of confrontational.”  He glanced at Wade to see what he thought.

Wade was contemplating them.  “Maybe… I could come?  I can be on team Knuckles!  That’ll probably make him feel more confident.”

Tom was pretty sure Knuckles had more confidence than the entire family combined, but Knuckles probably would be more open to talking if Wade was there to be his cheerleader.

“Alright,” he said.  “Let’s do it.”

*****

Tom and Maddie called for a tribal council.  Knuckles knew not why.  The last few had been about ‘not destroying property or kidnapping people’, ‘not building traps around the house without permission’, and ‘remembering to put down the toilet seat’.  But this was definitely different than usual.

“Wade!”  He exclaimed, relieved to see someone he could be relied upon.  “Why have you been called to the Wachowski tribal council?”

Wade smiled and shrugged from his place on the couch.  “I’m here for moral support,” he patted the spot next to him.  Knuckles understood this as an invitation to sit beside him, an honor he readily accepted.

“Who here needs to be supported morally?”

“Well,” Maddie cut in to answer.  “We actually wanted to talk with you, Knuckles.  But we don’t want you to feel singled out.”  She looked between Sonic and Tails.  “We just want to clear the air so we all understand each other.”

“I… understand,” Knuckles lied flawlessly.

“We’ve noticed some tension,” Tom began speaking and Knuckles tensed.  “Specifically between–” he waved between the two of them “--you and me.”

Knuckles’ eyes widened.  Was Tom bringing up his vendetta openly now?  Perhaps that was why Wade was here.  If they dueled, custom required Knuckles to have a second.  But Wade must be so confused.

Knuckles turned to him and explained.  “Tom is planning to kill me.”

“What?”  Tom and Maddie asked as one.

“Dude, you’re still on this?”  Sonic asked.  “Tom’s not going to kill you.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Knuckles assured him.

Maddie held up her hands.  “Wait, you guys know about this?”

“Um… Knuckles kind of came over to Evan’s house after the whole ‘breaking down the back door’ incident,” Tails explained.

“He said you tried to kill him in his sleep with a blanket,” Sonic rolled his eyes again.

“I was trying to warn you about the threat in our midst,” Knuckles said.  “But you only care about silly things like doors and window locks.”  He rolled his eyes back at Sonic to show he would not be bested.

“Wait, wait,” Tom waved his hands like Maddie and Knuckles watched hard for any sign of threat.  “Is this why you’ve been guarding the top of the steps?  Do you seriously think I’m a threat to all of you?”

“I guard them anyway,” Knuckles said.  “You are not special.  Why are you always coming to our room at night?”

“So you’ve been watching over us in our sleep?”  Sonic asked.  “Dude, that’s kind of creepy.”  Maddie gave him a look that Knuckles didn’t understand.  Sonic cleared his throat and looked away.

“Of course I guard you in your sleep!  You are younger and weaker than me.”

“But when do you sleep?”  Tom asked.

Knuckles’ eyes narrowed.  “Never.”

“Okay.”  Maddie clapped her hands together.  “I think we need to take a breath and refocus.  Clearly there’s some misunderstanding at play here.”

Knuckles nodded.  “Tom thinks he can assassinate me if I’m asleep. That is a mistake on his part.”

“I… I feel a tiny bit hurt that you’d think I would want to harm you,” Tom tried.

“But you thought…” Maddie muttered.

“Yeah, but that’s got precedent…” Tom muttered back.  “The point is: I would never, ever hurt any of you boys.”

“That’s basically what I said,” Sonic added on.  He turned to Knuckles.  “You’re safe here.”  Tails nodded along.

Knuckles shook his head.  “You are too naive,” he said.

“Knuckles, sweetie–” Maddie started.

“You are too biased,” Knuckles said.  He glanced down at where Ozzie was lying on the floor.  “You too,” he told the dog.  “Only I am objective here… And Wade.”  He looked to his apprentice.  Wade offered him a closed mouth smile and a thumbs up.

“Yup… I am one million percent in your corner, bud!  But uh…”  He drew in a deep breath.  “I don’t think Tom’s trying to kill you though.”

Knuckles gasped, outraged.  Wade was defending this would-be assassin?!

“Smothering just isn’t his style.  That’s like… dishonorable?  Yeah.  And Tom’s got way more honor than that.  I’ve known him a lot longer than you have.  We used to be the protectors of Green Hills before it was you guys, you know.  And we still are!  Just in a different sort of way.”

Oh.  Perhaps Knuckles had known that, but he hadn’t much considered it.  He frowned, considering the implications of this.  Tom was physically inferior and Wade had been a very poor warrior, but they had been the guardians of this region… That could give Tom more reason to bear a grudge toward him.  But Wade would have that same reason, and he bore Knuckles no ill will.

Wade wasn’t done speaking yet.  “Plus, you know, you’re not just a member of the community we protect, you’re part of Tom’s tribe.  You’re family!  He’s basically like your dad, he’s not gonna hurt you.”

Tom and Maddie shared a sentimental look.

“I already have a father,” Knuckles said.  It was more out of petulance than anything else though.  Wade was making some sense.

“I know that,” Tom interrupted, his voice soft.  “Just… Wade’s right.  You’re part of the family.  I’m here to look out for you when you’re vulnerable.”

“You are much weaker than I am,” Knuckles reminded him.

“Yeah, I know that too… But I can do little stuff.  Like… covering you up when you’re sleeping?”

Could that be true?  Had Tom, with his weak arms and tiny fists, been taking advantage of Knuckles’ sleep to attack him?  Or had he, unable to protect Knuckles in any meaningful way, been offering what small protection he could?  Both sounded entirely possible.  But if he trusted Tom and was wrong, that would be it.

Knuckles looked to Wade again.

Wade smiled softly.  “How about it, hm?  You’ve got this really honorable guy who’s not a schmuck and actually wants to be your dad.  Maybe you could just… give him a second chance to prove himself?”

If Knuckles trusted Tom and was wrong, he could pay for it with his life.  But… “You are the smartest person I know,” he said.  “If you vouch for him…”

“Absolutely,” Wade said without hesitation.  “No doubt.  I vouch.  Ten out of ten, no notes.  I’d trust him to be my dad.”

Maddie made a soft sound that Knuckles didn’t understand, but it made Wade’s cheeks flush.

Knuckles sighed.  He trusted Wade.  If Wade trusted Tom, then Knuckles would have to extend his trust as well.  “Alright then,” he said.  He turned to Tom, who returned his gaze with solemn apprehension.  “I will extend a truce.  I will cease monitoring you for suspicious behavior… so long as you keep your distance when I’m sleeping.”

Tom looked a little surprised by his request, but he nodded along.  “I can do that!”

Knuckle extended his fist, offering an unbreakable promise.  He was solemn, but Tom was smiling.  He returned the power bump, his little fist fitting between Knuckles’ spurs.

The unease that had stirred in Knuckles’ heart since this all began was not completely quieted, but he would ignore it for now.

***

Tom got home from the late shift, well after the boys had already gone off to bed.  Not much happened after eight pm in Green Hills, it had been a long, frustratingly dull night.  All Tom wanted to do was check in on his kids, take a shower, and go to sleep.  But he would have to settle for two out of three.

Tom hadn’t seen any of his kids since he’d left for work over nine hours ago.  On a surface level, he’d known that being a parent meant loving your kids.  He hadn’t expected the way seeing them safe and comfortable would be an instant balm.  He stared longingly up at the attic hatch like he’d somehow be able to see through the ceiling.  But it didn’t matter if it would bring him comfort to see them all cozy in their beds, because he’d made a promise.

So Tom walked away.  He took his shower and went to bed.  He would see the boys in the morning.

Overhead Knuckles lay awake.  Tom had kept his promise thus far.  He hadn’t approached while Knuckles slept.  Knuckles knew this because he had stayed awake.  And he would continue to stay awake, to ensure Tom kept his word.

[dubiousdisco]

Hagi blood plus is cool because at first you're like "who is that guy? Why is he so quiet? So misterious? He never smiles, he avoids talking, he lurks in the shadows, is this because he's not human? Is that how his species behave?" And then you find out that it's none of that, he just has depression and has been really stressed out lately

[neon-pink-leitner]

Why is a feminine, feminist FB group posting birthing videos with no trigger warning?

I hate to be "that guy" but birth is really triggering for a lot of people and wasn't something I was in the right headspace to see today. Especially since my sound was on and video auto played.

[manhattan-gamestop]

Me explaining why my grades were/are shit

[a-queer-little-wombat]

Reblog if you, too, can't tell if you're just neurotypical or actually a mostly non-traumatized-as-a-child, successfully masking autistic and/or inattentive ADHDer. Especially if maybe it's just that you're finally traumatized or overloaded or unsupported enough as an adult to fall apart?

We really do live in a society lads

[melodymorningdew]

As it turns out, PSTD nightmares to start the day are NOT a good sign.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

💚♿️ Introduction Post ♿️💚

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Hi there, fellow spoonie! I’m Sebastian, and this is my blog for my diagnosis journey. Welcome! <3

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Things To Be Diagnosed

Physical

Hyperglycemia or Hypoglycemia (We aren’t sure yet)

Gastroparesis (Likely)

IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) (Likely)

?POTS? (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) (Was tested, came back with no indicators, the doctor was an asshat, so planning to test in other ways to make sure)

?hEDS? (Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) (Was tested, came back without enough indicators, the doctor was an asshat and did a lot of it wrong, so planning to test again by someone else to make sure)

Mental

ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) (Combined Type)

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) or PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Pure O OCD (“Purely Obsessional” Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder)

APD (Auditory Processing Disorder)

ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder)(Avoidant Type)

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder)

Misophonia

Trichotillomania

Dermatillomania

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

Agoraphobia (“Mild”)

PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Persistent Drive for Autonomy)

Alexithymia

Hypersexuality

DPDR & Dissociative Amnesia

Overlapping

PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

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Already Diagnosed

MDD (Major Depressive Disorder)

GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)

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About This Blog

I’ll probably mainly be posting about the progress on my physical diagnoses. I will be posting about PT, my chronic pain, chronic dislocations and subluxations, chronic fatigue, pre-syncope and co., and everything to do with my physical symptoms and struggles.

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More Things

I’m going in for PT twice a week, and I’m doing home exercises.

I had an appointment with my eye doctor on 10/14/2024. Prescription changed, slightly worse.

I had an appointment with a cardiologist on 11/4/2024 to figure out if I have POTS and hEDS or HSD as well, and came back negative for all, but the doctor was a medical gaslighter, so we’re getting things re-tested by someone different.

I had an appointment with a gender clinic on 11/4/2024 to start the process of diagnosing and treating my neurodivergencies, and it went really well.

I went for bloodwork today (9/20/2024), and I was tested for diabetes and more things, but I do not have it. The tests showed that I have poor liver function, so we’re doing things to start helping with that. We’re hoping to test for the hyperglycemia or hypoglycemia in the future sometime.

I went for a gynecologist appointment on 11/15/2024 for suspected PMDD, and am now on menstrual-suppressing medication.

I had an appointment with the gastroenterologist on 11/26/2024, and now we’re going for testing later on to confirm celiac, to make sure my thyroid is healthy and okay, and then testing for both IBS and Gastroparesis.

I have an appointment with a Gender Clinic on December 2nd of 2024 to discuss more things.

I also have an appointment with a Psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD and Autism, on December 4th of 2024.

I suffer from chronic pain, chronic dislocations & subluxations, chronic stomach issues, hypermobility (about an 6/9 on the Beighton Scale, plus hypermobility outside the Beighton Scale), chronic fatigue, and more stuff.

I own some mobility aids (forearm crutches & cane) and am hoping to get more in the future (specifically wheelchair, I’m saving up for it, but might be able to get it this or next year), and I have compression socks to help with blood pooling. I also have joint support braces to help during flare ups with subluxations and dislocations.

I am also celiac, have a dairy allergy, have environmental allergies, like dust, mold, and pollen. (Also, figuring out I may be allergic to certain kinds of soap and hand-sanitizers, and maybe some kinda adhesive and/or latex?)

I struggle with my eating due to my undiagnosed ARFID, POTS, and possible Gastroparesis. So, beware, I am always incredibly mood swingy due to that.

Daily Pain Scale

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About Me

I’m a Queer, Nonhuman, Neurodivergent, and Disabled Transman (He/They/It/Any Neos).

I’m 16-years-old, and will be turning 17-years-old this year (2024).

I am taken by my amazing boyfriend, @corbinscosmos (He/Him), and we’re currently looking for another partner. Here is some more about it.

I have one sibling (Any Pronouns), who I won’t be tagging since he isn’t on here much.

I’m a reality shifter, and have shifted about 5 or 6 times (parallel realities).

I’m a beginner Dual Faith Polytheist. I am in contact w/ a lot of Gods, and have altars for a few. I do have religious trauma with Christianity/God/Jesus though, so if you’re heavy with that on your blog, please shoo shoo.

My Special Interests are: Wings Of Fire, Harry Potter (fuck the author, I’m mainly here for the dead gay wizards), Dragons, and currently my most active special interest is Neurodivergency & Disabilities.

My Current Hyperfixation is: Neurodivergency & Disabilities, specifically my own.

I’m queer in many ways: Trans (FTM), Genderqueer, Enby (and under the umbrella), Xenogender, AroAce (Onealterous, Panqueerplatonic, Oneexteramo, Pansensual, Panaesthetic, Panplatonic), Polyamorous, T4T-leaning, and Lesboy.

I’m nonhuman in many ways as well: Polytherian, Polykin, Otherfix, Otherhearted, Otherflicker/Fictionflicker, Transspecies (radqueer fuck off), Humanfluid, Pseudohuman, Physical Nonhuman, and Voidpunk.

I love drawing, creating things, reading, and writing. Mainly, my hyperfixations and special interests take over my life, so I don’t have the energy or time for anything else (and then sometimes, my possible chronic illnesses take over my hyperfixations and special interests, and I’m not even able to muster energy to do them).

Tone tags/indicators are incredibly helpful for me, PLEASE USE THEM!

If you have any questions about anything, please ask me and I will not be bothered.

I don’t have the energy to make a DNI list, but just know that I will block you loads if you do fall under my mental DNI list.

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Userboxes:

(All credit to the original creators of the userboxes - I am hoping to individually credit them soon, I am just waiting for the energy to do so!)

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[kyyuis]

luz is so sad what. "the amity i know would never misquote azura!!" girlie she also wouldnt say those things about you. none of them would. you know that right. YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT

[y0urn3ighb0rsc4t]

Hey, I've never posted on here before but I don't know what else to do. I'm trying here and reddit.

I want to ask u guys for advice.

Mainly on the topics of:

Dissability(mainly undiagnosed cptsd or bipolar, neurological and possible ortho in my knees) + ptsd and ~fibromialgia~

Remote jobs

OHP

So I have been working at a restaurant that is very busy as a host, bus, where I bus tables and greet people + get them drinks. It's complicated, but long story short my boss got burned by my ex parents (part of the cause of the ptsd and cptsd) and is understanding of my situation with them. She works us on a skeleton crew all year round because of us being in a small tourist town, where the summers are busy and the wunters are a flood of layoffs due to lack of customers. So she keeps on only what she can during the winter ALL YEAR. which when we have 3-4 waitress/host busses for the restaurant with multiple large rooms it is intense on even the most able bodied and minds.

Basically the trade off is he'll in the summer for job security in the winter.

Which i would totally be in for, except my body and brain don't seem to be down for the ride of 36hr weeks >:[

And I'm worsening, fast. Especially with the secuall assaults related trauma, making it increasingly dangerous for me to drive to and from work, which is almost 30 min away.

I want to quit so bad, I technically already have and said that I'll try to work 2-3 weeks more, mostly out of guilt.

The second main problem is that my ohp, oregon Healthcare could be taken from me if I quit a job without already securing another. Which I have not.

I'm going to keep applying to Amazon, and other large companies and a few small ones for a remote job and search a but on the area to for an office job (which would not be ideal, but still better).

But I'm quitting today, school just let out which means even more than what I already have had and I'm pretty sure that I met my replacement yesterday.

I honestly don't know what to do, I'm legally homeless and couch surfing and have to wait a week or two to even try to get my fafsa approved. (Which I might be able to get a job at the community college, IF I take at least one class)

I want to get a degree like paralegal, but thats after I fix my credit.

Lil vent:

It's so frustrating when it feels like my body and mind are holding me back from who I should've been... I should've been the person who worked hard despite her past and made a good savings and future for herself. I'm trying to get into a therapist and pursue a specialist who can help, but if I loose my health insurance I'm screwed. Gods, this sucks.

But seriously, the heck am I supposed to do ʕಠᴥಠʔ

[shayandthewildlifepack]

New intro post, you can see our old intro posts by looking for "intro post" as a tag on our blog.

Hello, this is our blog for alterhuman/nonhuman and plural things mainly. This was originally made for my fictionkin/ockin; Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. Who is a noncanon MHA/BNHA being/creature.

Here's a bit more info on my canon for Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. It was divergent from the manga and anime. If you want to know more about my canon, send in an ask, or you can see some things on my original intro posts. The only thing I will mention here is that UA was a college instead of a high school, so my class and I were all 18 at the start of the first year at UA.

In this life, the body is currently 19, so keep that in mind. We don't mind minors interacting. Just know I (the host) am more hesitant to interact with minors myself.

We try and make sure our posts are all tagged well, especially for tw or cw, if you see a post of ours that doesn't have a tw or cw that needs to be tagged tagged, then let us know and we'll fix it.

We will not answer/post any donation asks if you want to know why you should be able to find the posts we made about it by using the tag "no donation asks."

We will block for any reason. Especially when it comes to hate.

This is an endo safe space. We will not judge systems/plural beings for their origins. If you don't like this, leave.

We are also disabled, both in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be on our blog. [In this life for all the ones after this]. We are autistic and ADHD for sure. We have a learning disability and depression as well diagnosed. We believe we might have OCD and PTSD but are not sure yet. I know we have some form of anxiety, but it's not diagnosed. We all (alters) experience these disabilities so yeah.

Because of our disabilities, we need a service dog in this life. [I also had one as Zuki]. We will likely post more about the service dog when we finally get our stuff together and do more about it.

- Shay (They/it/xe/ze/hx/he) | Host of Enby Creature Plurals (placeholder name for our plurality for now)

Some userboxes. 3 were made by me, and 4 were made by https://www.tumblr.com/kthecritter?source=share.

Edit Dec 1st 2024: Added some new tag things and moved some around.

Tags that are for specific things;

# howling barking and meowing - talking about stuff tag

# disabled pup - disability things

# multi noises - system/plural things

# tri beta noises sfw - sfw misceverse stuff

# tri beta noises nsfw - nsfw misceverse stuff

# howling and barking at the moon - poems/poetry

# howling into the past - past life/kin memories good

# barking into the past - past life/kin memories bad

# meowing in confusion - this is just for when we are confused about something

# confused howling - questioning system/plural stuff, including origin and alters

# little pup - sfw age regression things when pup is used to refer to me/us

# little kitten - sfw age regression things when kitten/kit is used to refer to me/us

# woof woof reblog - rebloging alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or adding alterhuman/nonhuman stuff in our reblog

# multi reblog - system/plural reblogs

# other reblog - rebloging without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or plural stuff

# bark bark ask - answering asks to do with alterhuman/nonhuman stuff

# tri beta ask sfw - answering asks to do with sfw misceverse

# tri beta ask nsfw - answering asks to do with nsfw misceverse

# meow ask - answering asks without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or plural stuff

# 💚🩵🐾🪶 - Shay/Zuki Shay Lupo | host and MHA/BNHA kin put together, lol

# 🌊🔷️🌟🎨 - Lakey | alter

# 😺🤎🍓🥓 - Declan (The cat face changes based on mood of post) | alter

# 🐈🐈‍⬛🍗🥛 - Lynix | alter

# 🐺🦾🦿🤖 - Oynx Afton (the middle two are supposed to just represent animatronic shit) | no idea whether this is a kin or an alter, lol

# 🟤🐺🐾🌕 - Phalen Lupe (supposed to represent werecanine/werewolf) | either kin or alter

# 🗣💚🦮🥦 - Shirley | alter

# 🐺🌠😇😈 - Vesper Lucian (supposed to represent fallen angel) | now we are kinda thinking this is an alter

# 🩵🦴🐾🪽 - Cyan Lupo | RWBY kin

# 🐲🐉🔥💛 - Dragon | alter with a placeholder name for now

# ❓️⁉️❔️🤔 - ? (don't know who the fuck this person is, think they are an alter though?)

# 💬🗣❓️❔️- When confused who is fronting

[capran-mischief]

The worst part of the healing journey when you’re high functioning is you’ve already learned the Forbidden Techniques of the dark side and now you’re supposed to just… not use them?

[neon-pink-leitner]

Everytime I try to share or even hint at (on Facebook) how fucked up it is to call Child Protective Services on someone just to hurt the parent, I get six thousand fucking comments like:

"It is messed up but they don't take the kid unless something is wrong"

"CPS only shows up if there's abuse"

"That rarely happens"

"They only take kids if there's abuse, the government doesn't want more kids"

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

I've had two false CPS calls. One I can directly tie to someone who openly and blanky lied about me. The other I'm unsure of who did it but it was false.

For the love of whatever God/Gods you may or not may worship, can y'all let us fucking talk? False CPS calls are extremely traumatic. Paranoia, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, depression, aniexty all long term effects. Can I please just share shit about how damaging it is with having some "well actually" mother fucker shove a sock in my mouth??

And no!!! You're fucking wrong!

CPS has taken kids out of non abusive homes. If you're a "non traditional" family. If you're not white, not Christian, not straight, not America, have a non American accent, you're LGBT+. They've absolutely taken kids based on these grounds so don't tell me they don't because they do.

Let people speak about their fucking trauma. This is the only place online I can talk without someone writing me off and telling me to shut up and it's so dehumanizing and it's so fucking lonely.

[likelyapsychopath]

Say it with me, folks:

Having special interests and difficulty socializing doesn't mean you're autistic.

Being forgetful doesn't mean you have ADHD.

Being terrified of something doesn't mean you have a phobia.

Being deeply affected by a traumatic event doesn't mean you have PTSD.

Not trying to be a dick here, but I'm tired of seeing every deviation from an "average neurotypical" being diagnosed with a clinical condition by random internet people.

Can you share some of the symptoms of these conditions, and can those symptoms cause significant difficulties in your life without meeting the criteria for a diagnosis? Absolutely! I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's struggles here. I'm also not saying that the internet isn't a valuable tool for people seeking answers when something doesn't feel quite "right" or "normal." What I am saying is that these diagnoses have detailed, specific criteria, and cannot be properly diagnosed without help from a medical professional.

Yes, I'm aware that not everyone wants or is able to pursue a clinical diagnosis. That's fine (unless their inability stems from poor access to healthcare/systemic disadvantages, which is obviously very un-fine). I suspected I was autistic for years before I got my diagnosis, and I was frequently using resources for autistic people.

Saying "I believe I have undiagnosed X" shouldn't make you any less welcome in spaces for X than people with Official Diagnoses™️. Anyone who isn't a massive shitstain will help you get what you need.

That being said, that doesn't change the fact that seeing a list of symptoms/traits online and thinking "hey, that sounds like me!" still isn't the same as a diagnosis. Please stop trying to diagnose medical disorders online, especially for someone else.

[prideful-palace]

He/They

Demiboy

Asexual & Demiromantic (he's unlabled bc he doesn't like debating whether he's bi or pan)

Neurodivergent - (Undiagnosed Autism, Depression & PTSD)

[melodymorningdew]

Me when someone makes a blatantly ableist comment

[waywardtyrantpirate]

TW; mentions of stabbing an psych wards

I get pissed when people are like "I'm a psychopath 😈" an make being a psycho all fun an games an even an "im better than you" type of ego thing. But then people don't romanticize actual psychotic symptoms or symptoms of psychosis. You can't romanticize people rocking back an forth or pacing back an forth or even mumbling to themselves an talking an not making sense. Because then you're "crazy" bad TM.

I had to stab my father when I was younger due to self defense an the fact that I was undiagnosed schizophrenia (still am, im working on that). I was put in a psych ward as a child.

It's not fun having these problems bc you're actually villainized for it. When I'm just been undiagnosed an nobody cared until it started to affect other people. I'm so fucking done w/ this bs.