sebs-out-of-spoons

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

maaaaybe we gotta do some digging into things, cuz you being overweight would not explain that, i don’t believe.

okay, so, apparently your kneecaps shouldn’t be able to be moved around a lot or side to side, and if it can do that, it can be indicative of instability in those joints.

i can and always have moved my kneecaps around whenever i’m bored or just randomly, especially side to side.

this is a very fun (not, but useful at least) discovery.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

could just mean that one is more unstable than the other one, or that one is more flared up currently than the other one

okay, so, apparently your kneecaps shouldn’t be able to be moved around a lot or side to side, and if it can do that, it can be indicative of instability in those joints.

i can and always have moved my kneecaps around whenever i’m bored or just randomly, especially side to side.

this is a very fun (not, but useful at least) discovery.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

and other things

okay, so, apparently your kneecaps shouldn’t be able to be moved around a lot or side to side, and if it can do that, it can be indicative of instability in those joints.

i can and always have moved my kneecaps around whenever i’m bored or just randomly, especially side to side.

this is a very fun (not, but useful at least) discovery.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

it’s common with hEDS

okay, so, apparently your kneecaps shouldn’t be able to be moved around a lot or side to side, and if it can do that, it can be indicative of instability in those joints.

i can and always have moved my kneecaps around whenever i’m bored or just randomly, especially side to side.

this is a very fun (not, but useful at least) discovery.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

PROBABLY NOT 😭 MINE DO THAT

okay, so, apparently your kneecaps shouldn’t be able to be moved around a lot or side to side, and if it can do that, it can be indicative of instability in those joints.

i can and always have moved my kneecaps around whenever i’m bored or just randomly, especially side to side.

this is a very fun (not, but useful at least) discovery.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

okay, so, apparently your kneecaps shouldn’t be able to be moved around a lot or side to side, and if it can do that, it can be indicative of instability in those joints.

i can and always have moved my kneecaps around whenever i’m bored or just randomly, especially side to side.

this is a very fun (not, but useful at least) discovery.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

so, i’ve been struggling with my eating immensely for a little bit now. from the very beginning of this very short time where it all escalated very quickly, it’s been immediately at the point where it’s in the beginning stages of an ED/definitely could develop into one, so i’m trying to “recover” before it can get to that point, which is already hard to do.

i don’t know why i am recovering. my brain sees no reason or want to. but i guess it’s what i’m supposed to do, and what my one boyfriend wants and needs from me, so that’s why.

but anyways, i’m trans (ftm), as we may all know. today, i’m tryna eat, and what is a tiny bit helpful for me personally, is saying that big brave boys eat their food. it’s dumb, i know, but if it works, it works.

so to anyone else struggling with their eating/ED and is trans, just know you’re a big brave boy/girl/person for eating that food, and i’m proud of you. 🫶

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

i hate hate HATE drinking healthy amounts of water. wdym if i drink the recommended amount of water my bladder’s going to freak out.

NO NO MO SAME, YOUVE NO IDEA OMFG YESSS

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

i’ve been realizing a lot is going to be impossible in my life, because of me being chronically ill and audhd.

so many dreams that i’ve had since young will be unfulfilled, left discarded in the back of my mind; not because i don’t want them anymore, but because i’m apparently not meant for them.

and day-to-day things will always be exhausting. always be monitored. always will have to be careful about.

i’m never going to have a normal life, like any other person would.

i’ll never be healthy or fully functioning. i’m dysfunctional, i always will be.

i mourn that.

i’ll never have a motorcycle.

i’ll likely either won’t be able to go to college, or i’ll have to have a fuckton of accommodations while going there.

i won’t have as many options for jobs as others do.

i’ll likely never be able to pursue many hobbies or passions.

living alone would be an impossibility.

and so many more things.

younger me would be sobbing if he knew now that so many of these things are genuinely impossible for him, not that he didn’t have fears about it even then. he at least had hope. genuine hope.

i don’t. not because i don’t want to, but because it’s impractical. it’s illogical. it’s not possible for these things to be possible. ever.

i hate this.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

i added you to my Better CR DR script last night btw

having bfs who are shifters but are also aroacespec and trans is amazing because i'll send them pictures of my s/os and be like "look at him i love him this is my husband" and they're like "oh that's nice dear" or "GENDER ENVYYYYY" and I'm like "FUCK YEA"

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

heyyy gouyssssss 😏 guessss whatttttt

✨NEW BOYFRIEND ADDITION ALERT @imin-lovewithaboy✨

now i have TWO boyfriends, BABOOM

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

TW: vent (NO themes of sewerslide, SH, etc.)

sometimes i feel the people in my life don’t see me or care that much.

i’ve been constantly flared up, in a heightened state of my baseline, since August, and no one seems that worried or really realizes what that means for me.

my mom and my sibling assume that that means i can continue to do lots of things, and yes, i may flare up, but i’ll be okay in the end. they don’t realize that that flare up may last me weeks, instead of just a couple of days.

they don’t really realize that that flare up could make everything worse more permanently again.

i’m just waiting for one of these days to go by where i have a really bad flare up like i had in August, and i don’t get better, like how i didn’t get better that time.

and what’s that gonna look like for me?

i’ve only improved slightly in some ways since my flare up in August, and that’s just because i’ve adjusted to this new level of misery. i continue through, because that’s what i HAVE to do.

but it’s just infuriating because they don’t realize that i have to be more careful now. that i SHOULDN’T do these things, as much as i may want to.

at this point, i’m just teetering on the edge of not giving two fucks about my health, and doing anything and everything, and mask what happens to me.

i just feel ignored, not seen, not heard. i know they do see it somewhat, they understand somewhat, but also, not entirely.

and i think they don’t realize that i don’t wanna be like this either. if it were my choice, i’d be well 24/7. i’d go to places, i’d have fun the whole time, i’d not have to be so self-aware of my body. if i had a choice, i WOULD.

i “hold myself back” a lot, because i don’t wanna end up worse. that’s all. end of story. i’m not “holding myself back”—I’M MAKING SURE I DON’T END UP WORSE.

i’d like for them to understand that too. to realize just how easy that could be for me. one day, whether i have what i need or not (mobility aids, braces, etc.), i could still get massively flared up, and not get that much better ever again.

i just wanna be seen entirely. heard entirely.

and yes, with the timing of things, it could be the weather; but i don’t think so. i don’t think it is. this was happening before the weather went to shit. and i’m pretty damn sure it’ll continue through the time that winter’s over. i don’t think i’m ever gonna bounce back from that flare up in August.

and that’s scary.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

i feel like some of the reason why we may get so many urges to go back to old, horrible, and abusive situations and positions after we have healed a lot/are on our healing journey, is because we wonder how bad it ACTUALLY was, if we are “just being dramatic”, or if we aren’t emphasizing it ENOUGH, because we would know just how shitty it is now after we have healed some, we’re no longer quite as used to it, so we’d be able to tell. i think that’s why i so often wish for that.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

when something wrong happened to me when i was a child and i don’t remember there ever being a point in my life where i didn’t flinch, freeze up, and start panicking when anyone touches me even near to certain parts of my body, but i don’t remember what happened<<<<<<<<<

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

when you’re so filled with terror of touching your partner even in a little bit because you don’t want to s3xu@liz3 and have horrible s3xu@l intrusive thoughts about them<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

me now that i randomly pierced my ears some more and gave my hair some layers:

my mental health is solved, all things are good, and everything will be alright

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

hello!! just wanted to say you seem super cool & i'm glad i stumbled across your blog. i don't know many other young people who struggle with the same things as me health-wise so it's comforting to see you're so open about your journey. i wish you all the luck in getting answers and help :)

awwww thank you!! you seem so awesome too and i love to see my fellow disabled young folks, even though it’s sad and frustrating that we have to deal with it at such a young age. i’m happy to be open about it all for that reason, for us to have community, and for me to see y’all too. i wish you all the luck and i hope your days treat you the best that they can 🫶