#uh vent i think
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i resist the urge to ask 'do you hate me?' after every single interaction i have with anyone
#im being so serious.#this post is /srs#I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED#my anxiety just PEAKED and its KILLING ME :(((#its like a cocktail of anxiety and paranoia and being an idiot to create ooOooOO#the EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME curse#AUGHRUGH#uh vent i think#i needed to get that off my chest
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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Dying might seem scary, but being alive is scary already
[ID: art of Eugene from Drawtectives. He's staring forward, surrounded by billowing green smoke and floating golden stars. His expression seems wary or maybe uncertain. End ID.]
#drawfee#drawtectives#drawtectives fanart#eugene finch#drawfee fanart#uh#i have to admit i was drawing this to calm down a panic attack#i was thinking about a lot of things so i just needed familiarity#its essentially vent art HAHAH#the year is coming to a close and hes been there for me for almost 3 years now#hes my favourite character ever#its redundant to say i know his design like it was my own name#its truly wonderful how well hes written and how much comfort he brings me#julia lepetit#ive been misspelling her name for like years now in tags#i KNOW what its spelled like i was jhust skjafgksgf too distracted to notice#edit: ty to anistarrose for ID omg
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if im honest, im trying very hard to not publicly be upset about how the internet censorship has ruined so much for me and every other adult creator's income out there where i feel like the moment i cant post nsfw on patreon, i feel like that's it for me. i don't have anything else outside of what i do now and i'm just, tired.
#i still do commissions#i still have an etsy#but with etsy it's expensive to get shit made#and with commissions ive been slow on them too and i hate being slow but i am#like everything is just#make money make money make money#and it's upsetting and draining#like it's why i dont even want to monetize my webcomics on tapas or even put them on webtoon#cuz my webcomics are the only things i do not want to monetize lest i get burnt out on that too#burnt out more than i already am#at this point i just hope i can just keel over and die idk#awful thing to say and think but idk what to do anymore for myself#ive practically given up on everything and thats not good#sorry for the vent uh#yeah.
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Day 369
Did I redesign my copper golem pearl design when i just made it a week or so ago? yes and you cant stop me
if you cant tell i took inspo from the totk constructs, because i wanted to focus a bit more on the build of the copper golems. mainly, like iron golems they have very long arms in comparison to their bodies, and i thought this would be fun :D
#daily pearl doodles#pearlescentmoon#new life smp#mod morph#also her “hair” is just smoke coming out of a vent from her head#couldnt think of anything else lmao#she is still very smol#also mod cosmic was supposed to do yesterdays#since he was gonna be busy today and tmrw#but i forgor and did it instead...so#uh#youll see mod cosmic this sunday instead XD#am a little tiny bit dum
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40 years old is like level 1 of "old." Your "old man" crush is 30 to 40 years old? That fucker probably JUST figured their shit out, are you kidding me?
#I would know! I'm very close to 30 years old and I don't know shit!!!!!#I'm seeing so much disrespect towards gorgeous old characters. how dare you.#even people in my family are like 'ew I don't want to think about old people/old me getting freaky' like UH???? YOU'RE GONNA BE SO DEPRESSE#AS AN OLD PERSON I GUESS#vent cw
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#tw vent#tw suicide#this is my diary#i cant stop crying its so annoying i start tearing up every other minute#nothing in my life is the way i want it to be#and i cant fix any of it#and i just feel horrible all of the time#i wish i would just die already#like.#im done here. ive nothing more to do#i wouldn’t really mind#i think i might be doing way worse than i have ever before because i cant stop or ignore things anymore#like i cant stop myself from saying it i cant bottle it up like before#i mean. i didnt even mean to admit to it but i fucking slipped up and said it earlier todsy#and suddenly the words ‘im doing bad’ slipped out of my mouth. which is crazy because i would never admit to anything like that.#its so scary to think about that im doing bad because that means im doing bad#wdym i would just give up wdym wdym wdym im. like thats not me its not me. its not me its not me thats not me#i feel like theres two uh idk brains inside me and the one that wants to live is being completely overstepped by the other one#i have so many feelings all the time and i still do but its also like. i dont care. like theyre somehwat muted or number now#and i dont think thats a good thing#also i feel horrible for admitting im doing bad because i know myself and i would never do that so im not me i cant be because me woulndt#and i feel bad that that worries people because as much as i feel like dying i wont do that and i know it sounds like i will but i wont#but i feel bad about making people worry#so pls dont worry because i Am doing fine. well. enough to live but like#i sound mentally ill
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I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted
I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! 😣)
#But yeah :)#hopefully I’ll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#lol I’m trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informative—#Edit: uh so I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning#But it’s already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself it’s selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk I’m just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didn’t help it just made me feel worse#I don’t wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I don’t think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I don’t wanna do this I really font#I think I’m breaking down#Yeah I’m breaking down#<- that’s dramatic I’m sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I can’t mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I don’t want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I can’t just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I don’t wanna go and I’d cry-#-in front of him and I don’t wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#🌾#<- atp it’s a vent#Edit 3: I’m trying really hard ace but petting my dog isn’t working
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admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS
i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).
i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.
nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"
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i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.
i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.
i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.
i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).
but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.
but it wasn't worth the price for me.
so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.
ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?
of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??
in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".
anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)
anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.
#text#my art#doodle#sketch#sona#prince#cyclops#long post#HOLY SHIT THIS IS MUCH LONGER THAN I ANTICIPATED#sorry for the fucking rambling essay at 12am#tomorrow im doing cute commission art because its cute and i like that#i might one day share some of my fav vent pieces but for now its a bit weird#its also weird being open on any platform of mine not dedicated to being my personal blog#so im also very anxious abt that#but i wanted to try being more open and active on here too... so...#i hope this is ok#this isnt a vent either btw just me going on a ramble#i have been thinking abt it a lot the past year#also sorry for the many disclaimers#i am internetpilled and working on it#its funny cuz i dont even use twitter or tiktok which is commonly associated w the whole uh#people irl: hey whats up#kind of thing#i am very scared to share but i have a draft of this topic saved already like i do want to talk abt it#idk what i am afraid of so whatevs#also dont expect this much so anyone whos afraid ill be doing posts like this often#uh dont worry BSBDFBSD
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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Just had a realisation that my love for the Guide (and similar characters) probably comes from the fact, that I was hella neglected as a kid. No one ever showed me love or explained things. I was on my own from very young age, rejected and judged. So idea of such mentor character gives me comfort.
Also kinda explains why normies usually hate these characters.
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imo shoot me dead i guess but some of you are getting a bit too comfortable posting some back end cannibalism stuff for cotl art i was previously 'ok yeah cool!' bc i understood the dark themes of the game! and how it had a ritual for it. but uh oh.
#small vent? im more like perturbed than anything.#i just saw something that actually kind of felt disturbing to me for the first time#so now im just uh!! ok!#personal#sunny rambles#love the game but im putting the fandom just a bit more at arms distance from what ive been seeing going around#ill still update the au!! just aaa ill have to see what ill do!!#and i understand and admire art to be able to inspire/scare/disturb a person n i think thats so rad#but ill just have to be muting some stuff cotl wise on personal preference so for those waiting for some cotl art and see less thats whyjgh
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uh. vent art. or something. losing yourself and losing everyone who you cared about as a result
#inanimate insanity#inanimate insanity invitational#ii#ii 2#ii 3#inanimate insanity cabby#. that's it#i'm. so so exhausted.#i feel like i'm actually going to throw up from how disgusted i am with myself#of course they wouldn't want to be friends w/me of course they don't like talking to me anymore#i am too broken to even be a good friend#hell even my best friend is leaving my side lately#i don't want to go back. i don't want to see them again tomorrow. i don't want to.#i don't want to feel like i'm insignificant i was doing so good why does it hurt why is it hurting now#i don't want to feel like death is the only solution i don't want to i don't want to be alone i don't want to be forgotten#i don't want to be unloved just because i can't fix myself anymore#i don't have anything to offer anymore i'm so so sorry i wish i did i wish i was still happy and healing#i wish i was i wish i was im sorry i can't.#sigh. well can't do much about it now anyway. uh yeah cabby is my mood rn. also talking about irl friends here.#god this was so bad i need to die rn#cw vent#cw sui mention#i guess#mhm. i think i need a therapist
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Bane is gone
#vent cw#bane the dog#so uh if my suicidal ideation full blast you know why#no i don't think it's hitting right
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Entering depressed dreamty wave era of the month, I’ll excuse myself for being moody, I randomly feel like crying on the floor.
#so uh you know when you realize you have a patern and smell that you’re approaching a period where you’ll feel extremely low ?#that me rn#I’m starting to feel weird and i’m self aware enough to know that mean I’m slowly falling under a wave of negative feelings and that at any#given moment I’ll be having an emotional meltdown#so like I’m feeling a bit sad but I know that soon i’ll feel BIG sad#kinda like seing the water dissapearing on a beach and knowing a tsunami approach#so I’ll excuse myself in advance for being emotionally tired and in general constantly sad#i know i’m very open on this blog about moments where I feel down#but I don’t want to be seen as ‘the girl who can’t shut up about being sad’#i can’t shut up in general#so i do end up not closing my mouth when feeling strong emotion of sadness#also i need a therapist but for personal reasons can’t get one#which sucks#am I trauma dumping here ? definetly#will I’ll probably delete this later out of shame ? surely#that a lot of tags because i don’t feel like saying this out loud on text#I think i’m annoying#most of the time I’m sure that I am#lacking self confidence suck#anyway#dreamty’s ramble#tw vent#vent
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Things do get better.
Life can be cruel and unforgiving, like a writer killing off the most beloved characters and making everyone suffer through a lot. Yet every bad moment eventually shall pass.
We don't stop reading a book, just because the writer made things seem grim for a bit. We shouldn't stop living just because we're afraid it'll get worse.
Things can go badly, sure, but they can also turn out for the better. You can also survive.
Even giving up for a day, a month, a year, does not mean your life is not worth living.
It doesn't mean you're gonna be stuck here forever. It just means that for now, maybe for a long time now, things have been rough.
And you need a break, and a hug.
And someone to tell you, that you are very much loved, even if Life (as the most bitter and inspired writer) has decided to take it out on you.
You are loved, you're not weird, and you deserve good, beautiful, lovely things.
#Each thing my qpp (queer platonic partner) gifts me makes me feel happy so I put some of the gifts in the pictures#Many times I think I'm lazy and I'm starting to think maybe I'm just too sensitive and stuff#But that doesn't mean I'm not deserving of love :3#That doesn't mean life won't get better as long as I keep trying#I'll have bad days and good days and that's fine#I think that's life#🎵🎶🎵That's life🎶#Anyway#Self indulgent writing :p#I have no idea what to tag this so it won't probably get seen lmao#Qpp<3#Moodboard kinda?#Comfort Moodboard#Agere#Age regression#Yes that is a great horned owl with Miguel's mask design because#That one scene in which he turns his head in Hobie's direction HAHA#He's an owl <3#Also y'all LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL EMBROIDERY MY WIFE MADE AAA#My qpp <3<3<3#Karline i love you aaaaaaa#Feel like I should probably fangirl about my wife in another post and not in my vent comfort post but uh#Agere comfort Moodboard#Literal pastels#Oil pastels agere moodboard#Velha infancia#Tulip and zuche hehe#Bunny#Bunny plushy
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