#tomorrow im doing cute commission art because its cute and i like that

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

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i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[pbandjesse]

I have had an excellent and exciting day. Im laying in my studio on what we are now calling the studio ravioli. Because its stuffed. Its an excellent name.

Today was so nice though. I slept okay enough. But it was really hard to get up. I did eventually get out of bed. James made me a waffle but I coudlnt eat it. I had a small piece of pie because he said I had to eat something. I mostly worked on my inktober and got dressed and felt cute. And around 1015 we headed out.

James had to run back inside for his phone. But it was beautiful out. It actually felt like fall. And looking at the forecast it may actually stay that way. Excellent.

We biked down to the harbor. And one of the stop lights was showing all the colors so James wanted to stop to take a picture. But he missed it a few times and i was worried about being late. But he got his picture and we got to the hospital on time.

I checked in and changed my address with them. And them me and James got flu shots while we waited for me to get called back.

It was a long wait. But once i got called back the nurse did all her stuff. I weigh a little more then i want but im actually feeling good about myself right now so I'm not gonna let it upset me.

We had to wait for a while for my doctor to actually come in but it was all good. When she did come back we told her the stuff I had had James write down. And she decided to check me for a whole lot of stuff. And finally. Finallly get checked for psoriatic arthritis!! She sent me down to get an xray and a bunch of blood taken.

The x-ray was slightly scary but actually fine. I got to wear some very fashionable shorts. And I had to take out my belly ring. But it was way faster then I thought it would be!

Taking blood took a little longer but was fine. Didnt need to take as much as I thought they would. And thr phlebotomist was really nice.

Me and James left there and biked up to the train station to grab the bus to the art museum. We got to take the bus for free. Which is always nice. And we went to paper moon diner first!

Lunch was very good and it was a lot of fun just being with my boyfriend. And then we went to the museum. We went to the exhibit about abstract black artists. And it was really interesting. Got to see some artists I was familiar with and some that I wasn't. My favorite part about the entire exhibition though was that they had lots of first-person quotes from the artists and from artists that were inspired by those artists who were also in the show. It was really interesting and I enjoyed it a lot.

We looked around and a few other exhibits as well. And we ended up going over to the Contemporary Wing because they have redone it. And I really enjoyed it. So a couple pieces I had seen before button a new contact. Took a lot of pictures of my Beanie Baby because I thought that would be fun and it was. And the mended up going down to the temporary exhibits and we got to see these couple video pieces that were fabulous. Blick highlight of the day fabulous. They were about different financial and modern feudalistic and socialist Concepts and I loved it. It was wonderful. I'm so glad that we wandered in there.

I was tired though and James was a little burnt out or Museum. So after we wandered in the gift shop for a while and I pointed at things I liked we went home. We had to wait for a little bit for the boss but that was okay. It came and we wouldn't gar bikes and liked up to the shopping center to get cat food. The line of the Rite Aid was very wrong again but I don't care that much. We got home a little bit before 5 and James charged his phone and I puttered around the apartment before he had to leave.

He left to go work his shift at the theater and I laid here on the studio ravioli. That's mostly what I've done tonight. I chilled here with sweet pea. I took a bath. I picked out my outfits for my trip this week. I'm going back home with my parents for a night so that I can go to a gallery opening and then we're going to Massachusetts growing. NBA really nice little trip. Now I'm just laying here with sleepy and waiting for James to get home. After his shift he went to Hamden to see if a friend who's in a pinball competition. I do not know how that works. But I hope he's having a good time. He has work tomorrow and I'm going to be here working on my commissions and some drawings and I'm just going to try to have a good art day. I have Sunday off as well and I'm going to try to work on school stuff then. Get some lesson plans done. But tomorrow is for art. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well. Take care of each other.