#ugh I hate this disorder so much

[r3musmoony]

tfw you’re having rly bad tics but still have to go into work ;-;

[envolvenuances]

and I think child modelling should be illegal I'm not even joking

[destiny-in-the-universe]

kind of need a little help, guys.

if anyone could give me like, song recommendations for either randy or like- BATTLE SCENES; just anything, please, i'm so desperate right now it's insane. i can't focus

i'm just a horrible writer, i can't do this right now. so just a couple song recs might spur me back into action

i apologize with how weird i'm getting but my disability is acting up, and i just can't concentrate everything hurts

[lapdogchase]

ate 3 normal(ish) meals today 👍 WHILE scared.whos proud

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

I simultaneously feel like I am functioning well, we've got this, look at us gooooo, it'll all be okay

And

The fucking world is ending and no one knows and no one is seeing (or caring) through the facade I have up again.

I simultaneously feel like no one fucking cares at all. Especially not S (therapist, child parts main attachment figure currently) or even L, MY main person (as an adult part).

And

S is literally doing SO MUCH for you outside her job title, and you have fucking shut down WhatsApp and ignored all messages from everyone else including L you complete lunatic how can anyone show care if you are running from it???

And I know it all makes sense on one level. Some of us ARE functioning so well through this crisis/mess/fucking stressful time. But some are so distraught and so lonely and so hurt and have no safe place to take their pain, to be held. Yes there's little bits and pieces. But not enough. Not even close. And we have to be so small even there. So quiet. Don't scare anyone away with the trauma. Be good. Do well. Don't need anything. Or you'll be even more hurt and alone. So it's just easier to ignore everyone and look fine because I know they can't give us what we need. Can anyone? Can I give it to myself?

[pissfizz]

.

[vampirebutterflies]

yelling crying breaking things etc etc

[38livesalone-has3cats]

could you write for the impractical jokers with an s/o that has anorexia ? if that would be too triggering for you, i completely understand!!

hihi ! thank u for the ask :) i did my best with this and i didn't mention purging or binging because that's a lil triggering so i hope this is what you were wanting !!

The Impractical Jokers with a s/o with anorexia

-- tw; eating disorders(obv), unhealthy eating habits --

Sal

-he definitely monitors your eating as much as he can(in a loving way i swear, not trying to be creepy)

-texts you casual reminders to eat throughout the day, even if he know you won't

-he has your safe meals/meals he knows your comfortable with memorized

-y'all don't go out to eat often(he def has hellofresh or smth), but when you do, he makes sure to look up the menu with you beforehand and you guys plan what you'll get together

-he's very particular about what he eats so he has absolutely no shame while the two of you are out and will send back any food you mention isn't made the way you like

-honestly you could just give the plate a weird look and he's already calling the waiter back

-makes sure you take at least a few bites, but he won't force you into anything

-anywaysss

-sitting and eating with you is his love language atp

-he's always so proud of you, no matter what !! and he won't hesitate to tell you that

Joe

-we all know this man loves to eat

-he won't hesitate to finish your plate for you(after you take a few bites of course !)

-absolutely LOVES talking about sweet treats with you and honestly that's how he get's you to try new treats most times

-he will def get you to take silly pics with him with food connecting y'alls mouths or making silly faces with the food to "trick" you into eating

-his favorite dates with you are dinner dates, because he loves to chow down and he loves to watch his partner eat

-all in all he doesn't 100 percent understand ! but he supports you, loves you, and keeps you well-fed !

Murr

-he's genuinely so caring with you

-he makes sure you ALWAYS know how much he loves and cares about you

-he loves to pack lunches for the both of you, and he always leaves you cutesy little notes !!

-he insists that you two eat dinner together every night, he loves sitting down to unwind, chitchat, and share a meal with you(no matter how much you eat !)

-he can(and will) just go on and on about how beautiful he thinks you are

-he tells the guys that he doesn't understand how he got such a gorgeous person on his arm

-He will read books and watch yt videos to learn more about anorexia and how he can help

-will always keep it real with you when you start getting bad again, not in a mean way ! he just loves you and hates to see you that way

-loves to remind you of how far you've come in your relationships with food and your body

Q

-he's had his own struggles with depression, so although he may not completely understand, he gets it

-loves to curl up on the couch with you and watch movies; he'll hand-feed you a few bites of whatever snack he's got

-he's completely obsessed with you tbh

-he often brings home your favorite takeout for dinner because it's easy and he knows he can get you to take a few bites

-always wants to remind you how beautiful you are, rarely calls you by your name; it's always "gorgeous" or "beautiful" from him

-he will also text you throughout the day; he loves to yap about how his day is going, he'll also sneak in little reminders to eat a snack of some sort

-he will celebrate every little milestone with you, no matter how small or insignificant you tell him it is(he's buying you flowers, jewelry, the whole works)

-he's just so loving with you ugh

-on days where you're feeling extra weak or tired he's so gentle with you, he spends all day coddling you and making you stay in bed while he takes care of you

[sadstrever]

so, last night i finally ended my extremely toxic awful relationship. we yelled at each other the whole day afterwards, phone calls and him showing up to my house by the end of it. its over now, i think for the first time in the 5 years i’ve known him, it’s actually finally over. when i finally realized that, i sat in the silence and i binged for the first time in probably a year. i don’t want to get too into it because i’m honestly disgusted with myself, but i gained 8lbs overnight. i didn’t even eat over 1000 calories but yeah whatever. so today i went to the gym and burned 700 calories, walked 40k steps, and then took 6 laxatives when i got home. when i got home the house was trashed. my brother finally got home from his 2 week long trip. he made no effort to clean and left it all up to me. he yelled at me and called me lazy when i started getting upset that i had to clean the whole house because of how exhausted i was. i didn’t respond and he went to his room and locked the door, ignoring me now.

i think i finally understand why my brother hates me. all our life, he has been the attractive, smart, perfect one. he’s been valedictorian, won scholarships, goes to a prestigious college, is an artist and a writer and musician. he always naturally had a fit body that everyone congratulates him on. and all our life i’ve been second to that. fatter, drug addicted, anorexic, dumber, uglier, useless, women. the last few years i’ve been the thin, prettier one and i think he mistakes that change for happiness in me and corniness. he thinks my eating disorder is corny despite the fact that we’ve both cried about it in front of each other. he visited me in the hospital when i almost died. but yeah, im fucking corny because i have a disorder that makes me “look better”. he seriously thinks i do it just to look better. ugh fuck you. i wish he cared about me in a way that wasn’t so fucked up. it’s like i can never have one thing. this is all fueled by the fact that my mom called me the prettiest one in the family, as if that’s even a good thing- all things considered.

so yeah, i may have binged last night after breaking up with my abusive ex boyfriend or maybe it was because my brother loves to manipulate me into feeling like starving is an attention seeking corny little joke, and not the only thing i can do to feel slightly better about myself.

tomorrow i’ll shit my brains out in the morning, do another long ass workout, drink until i forget, and hopefully then, i’ll be thin enough to forget how much the men in my life love to hurt me.

fuck you, fuck you.

[the-original-pines-twins]

Hello, this is Stanford pines

And Stanley!

We agreed that I would be writing the intro, Stanley

Come on, Poindexter! Let me have some fun.

Ugh, whatever. Regardless, this is a shared account between us made at the request of our great-niece Mabel. She said there was a lot of “Simps” on this platform (note to self, look up “Simp” meaning) and insisted we made an account. You may ask us questions, we will post every so often, we will not be on all the time, however. Thank you

-Stanford Pines

((OOC and DNI under cut))

((Hi! This is an RP account of Stanley and Stanford Pines! The mod is @gamzee-simp492, and he is in the EST time zone so the characters will be responding during those time zones. Anything OOC will be in this font and close off by double parentheses. This is also an AU, some lore of it will be posted as well as fun little QnAs))

((DNI: Comshippers (Proshippers are ok as long as you know the ship is toxic and don’t support what’s behind it I.e. p3d0s, z00s, etc), basic DNI stuff like queerphobes and racists and all that, people who are gonna hate on me for not having it be canon accurate, etc. idk what other DNI to add, may edit as I go))

((A few bits about the AU and my HCs!!

• Stanley, Stanford, Mabel, and Dipper are all Autistic! Mabel and Stanley (Stan) are more bad with social rules rather than social cues and where Stanley is short-tempered, Mabel is easily upset. Dipper and Stanford (Ford) are bad with social cues, really smart, have special interests (ford - supernatural, Dipper - astronomy and the Unknown), and more anxious.

• Pronouns and identity HCs for the Pines family are as follows;

Stanley: Any; Cassgender (masc lenient), Bisexual.

Stanford: He/They; Demiboy, Unlabeled sexuality and romantic identity (can’t find the right label for himself), dates pretty much any gender/being.

Dipper: He/They/It; Transmasc w/ non-binary tendencies, Quioromantic (romance confuses him and he’s bad with it), Omnisexual (fem pref), Demisexual

Mabel: She/They/Glitter/Cat/any sparkly or cat-related xenopronouns; Xenohoarder (mostly cat related and glitter related, will make a list eventually), Pansexual.

A few extra hcs

Fiddleford: He/It; Libramale, Polysexual (very little attraction to women, mostly everything else).

Bill Cipher: He/They/It/literally anything but those are the ones he uses most; Pangenderless (Fluid between all gender while also simultaneously none of them), Unlabeled sexuality and romantic identity (he doesn’t want to be labeled)

Soos: He/Him; Cis male, Straight Ally

Melody: She/They; Female, Straight Queer (associates with the queer label, but is still straight)

A few ships!

Mabel X Pacifica

Dipper has no ship yet cause idk

FiddleStan

BillFord

Past FiddAuthor and a bit of past BillFiddlesFord (right before the portal incident)

Soos X Melody

And that’s it in terms of ships. But a few other HC of the au are as follows

• Full disability list minus the Pines having autism; Stan has anger issues, addiction issues (drinks and smokes a lot, not around the kids though), PTSD and a hint of schizophrenia from the memory gun. On the topic of the memory gun, Fidds! Fiddleford has PTSD, memory loss, schizophrenia from the memory gun, temporary memory relapses, ADHD, and fainting spells. Ford has PTSD but gets affected differently, addiction issues (caffeine. No, seriously, it’s an issue), mild somniphobia (fear of sleep) from past Bill issues, schizophrenia, su1c1d@l tendencies (canon), Hyperthymesia (super memory), social anxiety (mostly dealt with, still gets anxious sometimes and has panic attacks), and polydactyl (his sixth finger). Soos has Down syndrome, motor skill issues, sensory processing disorder, and dyslexia. Wendy (who won’t be mentioned much) has BPD, mild social anxiety, and ODD. Dipper has generalized anxiety disorder (canon, actually), mild depression, PTSD, OCD, SPD like soos, and a fear of failure. Mabel has ADHD, depression, fear of change, attachment issues, PTSD, and SPD. Bill has ASPD (antisocial personality disorder), anger issues, hallucinations, PTSD, depression, phobias (canon), insanity (canon), conduct disorder, autism, DID (will explain when asked), and a bit of SPD.

• Bill went through the theraprism in this RP AU (the au this rp comes from that I created) but is still very much mentally unstable. Has a bit of handyman au inspo where he does live and work at the shack but he isn’t stuck there. He is triangle but has a human form that he despises, his powers are limited no matter the form, and he’s prone to fainting spells if he uses too much power at once. Soos and Melody trust him cause they were the ones who found him, but the others are kinda weary still. Including Ford.

That’s all I can think of! Feel free to ask any questions, give me feedback, etc! Also please be respectful of the characters pronouns, don’t ask too NSFW questions (some are okay, but I will be the judge of what I will and will not have them respond to), and enjoy!

Signing off (=^ ◡ ^=) ))

((Ooc edit; made an account for Bill RP! @silly-little-triangle ))

[neuroticboyfriend]

Hi all, i need a bit of reassurance. I know none of you are professionals but, I've been having these strange attacks that are starting to scare me. This is what they're like:

Symptoms:

• Severe neck pain that radiates to the face and under the skull (right side only)

• Mild numbness on side of face/arm (right)

• Blurry vision in right eye only

• Sudden severe fatigue

• Mild disorientation and confusion

• Mild speech difficulty

• Moderate difficulty walking

Onset: Sudden - Duration: 30 mins to 1.5 hours

Frequency: Week of 5/26/24: 2 to 3 times (has occured prior to this)

Relevant conditions: Cervical radiculopathy, migraine headaches, connective tissue disorder

Relevant family history: Aneurysm (father, at 18), Stroke (paternal aunt, in 30s)

...Basically, I'm not crazy for wanting to get aneurysm/stroke/TIA ruled out, right? I should call my doc or insurance's nurse line? Even if it's a migraine, I shouldn't risk it given my family history? Last time it happened was yesterday and the pain was the worst it's been so far.

Also just need to write this out for my sanity cuz staring at this, my reasonable side says better safe than sorry. Ugh. I hate having been gaslit so much.

[livingbrother]

LO and it's portrayal of S/A

A rant by someone who just finished EP. 98 and is incredibly furious

Cw: Mentions of S/A, it's effects, too much swearing, ED mention, personal stuff that happened to yours truly, lots of other stuff too, just no idea what to tag it as

Don't read this if you're not mentally doing well, I don't want you getting hurt because of my post, I love you, feel better soon

Boy. Oh fucking boy. I just got through episode 98 of this shit show and, I'll just say, I am beyond furious. Livid, in fact.

For context, I am a survivor or sexual abuse and mental abuse, I have dealt with those who act sort of like Apollo, I was never raped, but I was molested as a child. I, as a survivor, feel nothing but rage at how Rachel portrayed Apollo being a rapist. The way he acts is incredibly unrealistic for an abuser, as somebody who dealt with two abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I'm not saying everyone who has NPD are villains, I'm just saying what I went through), I see what Rachel was trying, but oh so tragically failed, to do. He tried to control, manipulate, and gaslight Persephone. Only for none of it to work, that's not how ANY of it fucking works!

Where is the fucking control, other than just fucking raping her? I get he wants to take the power away from her and be the one to control her, but I've seen none of that! I get she has PTSD over it (I'LL GET TO THIS POINT AGAIN). I NEVER GOT THE SENSE THAT SHE WAS POWERLESS EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SCENE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER QUESTION IF THAT WAS HIS INFLUENCE PICKING HER DRESSES, OR FUCKING EVEN HER FOOD! WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH ONE OF MY ABUSERS, SHE'D PICK OUT MY OUTFITS, ONE'S I HATED, AND I STILL CHOOSE SOME OF THOSE OUTFITS, TO THIS DAY! WHERE WAS HER LOSS OF CONTROL? SHE NEVER FELT ISOLATED, SHE NEVER FELT LIKE SHE WAS TRAPPED. YES. SHE WAS TRAPPED IN THAT ONE ROOM WITH HIM, BUT EVEN THEN! SHE HAD LEVERAGE OVER HIM WITH THE FUCKING LYRE. Ugh.

About her realizing she was raped, um. Excuse me? A lot of victims don't realize they were raped or abused until like, months or years later. I'm glad for the ones who instantly realized it, good for them. Given Persephone's personality and experience with the world, she wouldn't have known it was rape because she's not accustomed to dating and sexual culture. On top of that, she isn't really seen actually distressed when she remembers, oh, and lets not forget that she WAS FUCKING FINE WITH TOUCH AND PHYSICAL FLIRTING DAYS AFTER HER ASSAULT. Let me remind you that I have been through this thing myself, you do not just omg I was just assaulted! time to go let someone touch me! Nonono, you spend years jumping when people touch you, years of moving when someone tries to grab your shoulder, years of pushing someone's hand off your arm, years screaming when you get a hug. And then, maybe from flashbacks, maybe from googling things, you discover you were molested! And then it alllllll makes sense. I understand if she became hypersexual, cause same, but that usually doesn't set in until a good long while.

I also hate how Apollo is written, he should have stayed as a shitty ex boyfriend or whatever the fuck Rachel was gonna make him, he just comes across as a cartoonish villain than an abuser. The man just fucking rubs his hands together and fucking goes I'll get you next time my pretty! I fucking HATE his writing so goddamn much. I understand wanting to make him pushy, egotistical, and insecure, they're some of the hallmarks of the pushy nice guy she was going for. But when it comes to him being abusive, it's like watching a bad joke. Rapists don't usually, you know, CATCH FEELINGS FOR THEIR VICTIM (correct me if I'm wrong), unless it's to lure them back in to hurt them again. She made him so obviously evil it hurts, abusers don't usually act that way, they put on a pretty smile, act kind, and behind closed doors, act shitty. I respect 97-98 for getting that part right, but too many times, too many fucking times Rachel has gotten that wrong. I have dealt with this myself, my mother did this exact thing, she even put on the pretty smile for me so even I, somebody who knew he was being tormented, questioned whether or not I was being abused! We never see this with Persephone! We never see her getting gaslit with this, she never questions her reality! She knows everything that's going on for sure! I know what Rachel was aiming for, and she failed miserably!

God, on top of this, we never really get to see Persephone's PTSD unless the story fuckin says Apollo's here! She's never really fucking affected by her rape, we don't see her jump from touches, refuse sexual advanced from Hades, yeah, sure, we see her afraid of camera flashes, but that's about it!!!!!!!! She never really experiences the effects of s/a! I developed an ED and agoraphobia from my abuse! Where the fuck is that?! That would have been a lot more fucking interesting than the slop we fucking got!

I know I've missed some things, but I need to calm down before I pop a blood vessel. I might revisit this post when I'm less angry, I just needed to rant.

[xiaokuer-schmetterling]

things I've learned as a person with a weird relationship to food

listen to your body. attaching your food intake to an arbitrary schedule is so wack to me. eat when hungry. don't force yourself to eat if you're not. if you have a sensory aversion going on, drink milk or something thing as your "meal" it doesn't matter as long as you get key nutrients. (meal replacement shakes come in so many good flavors now.) small portions across the day are just as valid as bigger portions a few times (actually balances your blood sugar better if that's something you need to be aware of). drink water when thirsty. I'm a freak who likes straight tap water don't judge me. (this is not an anti soda post I love soda, just remember to drink water first so you don't get dehydrated.) actually, try water or whatever preferred hydrating beverage before food bc sometimes your body can be signalling you for thirst but it comes across as hunger (or is this just me?) it's okay to take gummy kids vitamins if pills are gross to you. allow yourself to eat the things you like when you want. have that cereal for dinner or that special candy bar you've been saving. brownies have eggs in them!!! very filling and tasty. eat the same goddamn thing every fucking day for a month if it makes your brain cooperate with nutrition intake. I've been having sourdough toast with jelly and sharp cheddar slices for brunch for the last few weeks. delicious. ignore the haters, life sucks enough without externally imposed correct standards of what to feed yourself

“calories dont count over the holidays” WRONG! calories don’t count ever. stop counting them enjoy ur life

[call-me-a-simp]

We need part 21 ❤️

Heal My Wounds

Mami's Always On Top

Rhea Ripley x Reader

Tw: physical and sexual abuse, toxic relationship, selfharm, eating disorder

Summary: You are in a toxic relationship with an abusive man but manage to run away. A tall, black haired woman picks you up from the streets just in time so your ex doesn't get you. But who is she and why does she seem so familiar to you? As you get to know each other you start to notice weird feelings you never had before whenever she's around.

You position yourself back on top of her and kiss her passionately. She moans into the kiss making you smile a little.

"y/n please, I don't think I can do this" she begs. "do what?" "not touch you" she whines. "Aww you poor little baby. That's too bad cause I'll have to tie you to the bed then" you tease her.

"I hate you" she pouts. You laugh and kiss her, your hands exploring her upper body and playing with her breasts. "not for long" you whisper in her ear.

You pull back a little to make eye contact and slowly move down to her core. You gently spread her legs apart with your hands, not looking away for even a second.

As you do, you place a soft kiss on her clit and your girlfriend inhales sharply through gritted teeth. "so wet and I didn't even do anything yet" you smirk.

"ugh stop teasing me you idiot" Rhea complains. "not if you're talking to me like this" you're serious. You didn't like being talked to like that, even if she didn't mean it.

"Sorry baby" she mutters "I'm just not used to it.. Can I get a kiss?" she looks up at you with that typical cheeky smile of hers and you grin.

This woman knows exactly how to get what she wants.

You move back up and kiss her, she tries to slip her tongue past yours to get just a little dominance back but you don't let her.

You're using her distraction to position your strap before slamming it in her. You're careful, you don't want to hurt her as you know exactly what that feels like.

She breaks the kiss, her head falls back into the pillows. Her eyes roll in the back of her head and she arches her back as she cries out in both pleasure and surprise.

"OH MY- Oh GOD y/n" she calls out trying to catch her breath again. You don't move inside of her to give her time to adjust and calm down again.

Instead you scatter small kisses all over her neck and chest, biting down every now and then and leaving hickeys wherever you want.

Rhea's breathing steadied again and you look her in the eyes, asking for consent. She nods with a little smile and you slowly start moving.

Your lips find hers again and you play with her titts. "Please" she breathes out between kisses "I need to- mhh touch you"

"God why can't I say no to you" you silently curse and free her hands, tossing the handcuffs away. She immediately starts by pulling you in for another heated kiss and plays with your breasts.

You can't deny it, it's so much better with her hands on your body. "you made a mistake" she whispers and before you can even process her words she already pinned you down.

"Oh you little-" you begin but she smirks and kisses you. She begins to ride on your fake dick and you just lay there and watch her face change expressions from pleasure.

You gently place your hands on her hips and follow along with her rhythm. "Oh yes" Rhea moans and goes a little harder and faster.

You feel the friction of the strap on your wet pussy. You let out a shaky breath and pull Rhea down into a kiss.

She runs a hand through your hair and grabs a fist full of it. You break the kiss as you both need air and Rhea leans her forehead against yours.

"Fuck y/n this is so good" she groans. "Ye-es I feel I too" you close your eyes and rest your head back against the bed, your hands roaming around your girlfriend's upper body.

Rhea speeds up a little more and buries her head in the crook of your neck, still holding her torso up by resting on her elbows.

"I'm close, pretty" she mutters against your skin. "Oh fuck, yes" she shouts in the next moment and bites down on your collar bone as she cums all over your strap.

She collapses on top of you and you wrap your arms around her, stroking her back until her breathing steadied a little again.

"You good?" you ask and kiss the top of her head. She tilts her head up and smirks. "You didn't think we were already done, did you?"

---------------------------------------------------

Here's part 21 you needy little whores XD

Taglist:@babybatlover @legit9thlunaticwarrior @thatonepansexual2000

[wifegideonnav]

tw ed/body image ment under cut

opened the hidden photos folder on my phone for the first time in years and it’s like. 90% body checks from 2017/18 😬 it’s crazy bc i’ve gained so much weight since then but i’ve been too depressed to care. lowkey i sometimes feel like if my depression got better/my life started to improve i would fall right back into the disordered eating even though that doesn’t make any sense. ugh ig this is just a vent, it’s just like. even tho im not doing all that anymore ive hated my body since i was like 7 years old and the thoughts never fully went away. really didn’t need to see those photos today :|

[natashaslesbian]

Fireworks

Summary: Steve’s birthday party brings up tough memories from your past. A certain redhead looks after you when the firework celebrations are moved forward.

Word Count: 1.8k

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Angst/v sad reader/fluff

Warnings: panic attack/flashback/implications of disordered eating/fear of fireworks/pls let me know if you notice anymore/

————

Steve’s birthday party was tonight. It was the same every year. The team gathered for his birthday lunch around 1pm then at 2:30pm everyone disperses to get ready. At 5pm guests start arriving to the tower. At 7pm Clint calls for speeches - which nobody wants to do - Bruce always gets pulled up to do one. While everyone is distracted. Sam and Bucky bring out the cake. By 9pm everyone is drunk apart from you and usually Natasha who spends her night taking care of everyone else. Then, at 10pm, the fireworks close out the night.

You hated fireworks.

HATED them.

They were loud.

They made everyone else loud.

They went bang and pop and sizzle.

Just like the scene of a battle.

You hated fireworks.

This was your 3rd year living with the Avengers at the tower. The 3rd time July 4th would leave you crying yourself to sleep. But little did you know, this year, a certain redhead was determined that wouldn’t be the case.

For the last 2 years, Natasha had watched you, it was her job to monitor the new recruit. She’d picked up on things you’d spent the last 24 months trying to hide, she was a spy after all. She noticed how you came up with an excuse to leave at movies night when the team picked an action movie. She noticed that you always eyed your exit points in every room. She noticed that team dinners set you running a mile. And, at every event where fireworks were involved, she noticed how you disappeared in the crowd. The first time she thought nothing of it. The second time, she tried to find you but couldn’t. The third time she watched you the whole night and when you hurried away she followed. She followed you to your room. There she stood outside the door for 2 hours, listening to you cry. She so desperately wanted to come in, but she knew you didn’t trust her yet and you were already so frightened. So she remained outside, incase she had to come in.

The lead up to Steve’s birthday was awful. The anxiety of what the night had in store had already began to stir. On top of that, you were recovering from an injury you sustained on the last team mission. It was just a sprained wrist, you had ran in time but fell from the impact. If you’d stayed where you were, you would’ve been blown to bits - just like your brother.

A knock at your door brought you back down to reality. “Come in” you called, placing your book back on your nightstand. “It’s just me” Natasha peered round the doorframe “It’s almost 1. Wanda’s made some Sokovian dish for lunch. Are you coming?”

“I’m not really hungry” lie “I’ll eat later at the party” lie.

The redhead pushed the door wide open and came further into the room. “Mind if I sit?” She gestured to the bed. “Sure” you said. The silence was almost deafening, yet entirely comfortable. “Look I-ugh” Natasha spoke up “I thought you wouldn’t be joining us so I brought you a snack” she pulled a half eaten packet of cookies from her jacket pocket. “They were supposed to all be for you but, Yelena got to them first” You smiled. Natasha loved it when you smiled. “Thank you” you said as she passed them to you. “I’ll see you later, at the party?” Natasha asked “yeah” you replied.

5pm soon arrived. Then came 7pm. Then came 9pm. The spy was begging to think you wouldn’t show up. Pepper and Tony had started setting up for the fireworks. It was earlier than usual but she didn’t question it much. 15 minuets later, Tony announced that the fireworks would be starting earlier tonight. Natasha had to find you.

You emerged from your bedroom at 9:27, you headed down the hall to take the elevator up to the party. The doors opened and you came face to face with a panicked assassin. “Y/n!” Natasha was relieved. “I just wanted to let you kno-“

BANG

The whole world caved in around you. You fell to the floor, head in hands. People started yelling and clapping, the noise was too much. Every breath you inhaled felt like knives against your chest; the tears flooded your vision, you could hardly make out Natasha crouched in front of you. “Y/n! Hey look at me it’s just the fireworks ok. Y/n I need you to breath for me” Natasha had experienced many panic attacks in her life, she tried to pull on any knowledge she had about how you were feeling and how she could help you. “Y/n? Can you stand up for me? Let’s go back in the elevator, get you back to your room. It’ll be quieter down there.”

When the doors opened, she dragged your screaming body into the elevator and pressed the button for your floor. You tried to push her away but she held on tightly. “It’s alright y/n you’re safe, it’s just me. It’s Natasha. Y/n can you take some deep breaths for me?” You shook violently in her arms, bringing yourself to look at her “Make it stop please!” You sobbed “Make it stop!” Natasha felt helpless, she wished she could just turn off the noise for you. The doors opened once more and Natasha tired to get you to stand, but the comet fireworks had started. The ones that sound like a kettle reaching boiling point. Or to you, a falling missile. Natasha resulted to carrying you back to your room. She sat you on the bed and shut the windows to diminish the sound slightly.

“Tash…Tasha?” You reached your arms out to her and Natasha’s heart broke. She couldn’t tell if it was the nickname, how adorable you looked, or how scared you were but her heart just shattered. “It’s ok, I’m here” She said as she climbed onto the bed with you. “I need you to follow my breathing ok?” You nodded and began to copy the rhythm of her breath. She cradled you like a baby, one had drawing patterns on your back and the other holding your head tightly against her chest. The gentle beat of her heart was starting to ground you, you gripped to her shirt like she was the last person on earth.

The pops the bangs and the sizzles continued for what seemed like forever. “When will it stop? It’s too loud! Please I hate it!” You hiccuped through your sobs. “It’s ok” Natasha cooed, it was all she could offer. “Please! You have to find my brother, he-he went looking for the dog, he’s out there!” Natasha was confused, until she remembered the details in your file. She finally put it all together. It reminded you of your past, the fireworks taking the shape of bombs and grenades in your head. She was determined to pull you from this flashback before you fell too deep. She sat you up and pulled your face towards her in her own hands. “Y/n look at me sweetheart. You’re not there ok. You’re here at the tower with me, Natasha. You’re safe I promise. It’s not what you think it is ok! The noise, it’s fireworks”

“No. No! Stop! Please!” Your breathing started to get worse again. The same feeling of knifes in your chest returning.

Natasha started frantically searching your room for something that could pause the noise, headphones, ear muffs, ear plugs, anything. She gave up after searching the bathroom and returned to find you screaming in the corner of your room, calling for your brother. The widow came to your aid immediately doing the only things she could think to do. She covered your ears with her soft hands, using her thumbs to rub your cheeks. The sound reduced and suddenly all you could hear was the pounding of your heart murmuring in your head. “I’ve got you y/n” Natasha spoke, more to herself than you.

Minuets passed until you opened your eyes again. When you did, Natasha was watching you with all the care in the world. The fireworks had long ago stopped but the terror had yet to pass. “Hey there angel” Natasha’s green eyes never left yours as she gently removed her hands from your face. You immediately missed her touch and reached out for her. “It’s ok I’m here, I’m not going anywhere” she said, softly pulling you into her embrace. “Is it over?” You managed to croak out. “It is, no more fireworks” Natasha’s delicate fingers began massaging your scalp. “Fireworks” you repeated. “That’s right. Just fireworks and they’re over now. You’re safe”

“Then why am I still so scared” you cried out. “It’s ok. It’s ok to be scared. That must’ve been a lot for you” said the redhead. “I’m sorry” you whispered. Natasha quickly sat you up so you were face to face “Hey! None of that ok! You have nothing to be sorry for” she was lying, she had to be. “I ruined your night” you broke eye contact. “No. No you didn’t” Natasha said as she lifted your chin back up “I would rather spend all night here to make sure you’re ok than leave you to deal with it by yourself…just like you have the last couple years right?”

The tears couldn’t be held back this time. You broke down once again, spilling your heart out in front of this highly respected ‘cold’ assassin. “Why should you have to help me? Why should anyone? It’s so silly, it’s not anyone else’s problem. You’re all so strong and I’m just this stupid little kid. It’s not up to you to look after me” half the words were muffled by your sniffles but Natasha heard each one. “Of course it is. In this building it’s everyone’s job to look after everyone. Everyone! It doesn’t matter if you’ve been here for 10 years or 3. You’re part of this family and we will help you. We care about you. I care about you”

“Why?” You said shyly. “Because you deserved to be cared for. You’re amazing and talented and I would give anything to see you smiling each and every day” Natasha’s words felt soft, kind. A kindness you defiantly did not deserve.

Natasha scooped you up off the floor and brought you back to your bed, her sentences still sinking into your skin. You whimpered quietly when you lost her contact but she soon took hold of your hold again. “Why don’t you get some rest. We can talk in the morning, You’ve had a hard night darling” you liked that. Darling. The events of the night had worn you out entirely, and maybe with a clearer head you could explain to Natasha that you’re not some pathetic child afraid of fireworks. Of course, little did you know, she already understood that.

After tucking you in tightly, Natasha pulled up your desk chair and grabbed the book you had been earlier that day. “You’re not- you’re not going?” You asked. “No of course not” Natasha said as she found your bookmarked page. “I thought you’d run a mile” you played with the loose sting of fabric from your pillow. “I’m not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever”

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Thank you for reading

- Astara🩷