#tw ― internalized misogyny

[vlupshittous]

Anyone else have the experience as a nonbinary person where when you go from feeling Boy to feeling Girl, you worry people won't take you as seriously? For context, I'm AFAB, and I know this is definitely some internalized misogyny on my part, which I'm trying to work through. But I'm fighting myself on feeling more like a Girl cause I don't want to be treated like a Girl... which sucks... cause I AM a Girl.

[blushedfemmes]

ok but can we talk about how the current wave of resentment towards “pillow princesses” has become like. straight up femmephobia and people being weirdly shitty towards femmes online / calling us spoiled and damn near evil because butches wanna take care of us and how dare we

yes we can and we can also talk about how a lot of people use femmes as a receptacle for their unexamined internalized misogyny. i have experienced this directly from a masc queer partner in the past, and on a casual/subtle basis my entire life, both from cishet women and from fellow queer people. and i will go ahead and say this is a femme-specific problem (at least in the context of these posts) because people will often use the way we present and our mannerisms and what we might prefer in bed as an excuse to belittle us, because the urge to belittle women (or that which we perceive to be woman-shaped, consciously or not) is so prevalent. in other queer people it will come out as ‘well i just think they’re being selfish in bed, i think they’re being spoiled/entitled, i think they look childish and stupid dressed that way, i think they’re scared of looking queer, i think they’re dressing for the male gaze, i think they’re acting like a stereotype, (and especially if it’s a femme transfem) i think they’re being too binary-gender conforming and therefore oppressive/predictable/bad, etc etc’ and all this plus more for femmes of color whose femme expression doesn’t ‘make sense’ to any given white person or immediately read to a white person as queer or lesbian

and it really is about gut reactions and never about the truth. femmes often exercise a great deal of care in our interactions with butches or with anyone, and we often derive immense satisfaction in caring for our partners. of course femmes can be shitty. femmes can be selfish. we are an enormous and complex group of people and, furthermore, everyone is capable of causing harm, i know i have. but the times when i have personally experienced this brand of femmephobia it is almost always because of assumptions that people made because they already had a gut reaction to me and how i dress and what i like, and they’re making up reasons to justify it.

there is no end to the excuses people will make in their minds to justify treating femmes badly, because they saw a woman-shape and decided to use us as a dumping ground for internalized misogyny. and yes it is a particularly stinging betrayal, because it happens the most in our own queer communities, where we long to be accepted.

[ariel-seagull-wings]

Interesting way to enter into the mind of a teenager who has to unlearn a lot of biases.

Everyone either met someone like Tonia, or was a bit like her.

I hope she matures out of the jealousy, fatphobia and internalized mysoginy.

Underestimated Just Who I Was Dealing With

Word Count: 1,065

Warnings: Jealousy, unlikable POV character, brief body-shaming, internalized misogyny, pregnant character

Fandom: Ghostbusters

Pairings: Egon Spengler x Cathleen Paige Spengler

Well, now this was something completely different. I saw this clip from the show Criminal Minds. And it made me think of two things:

1. How many of Egon’s students signed up for his classes because they were interested in his epididymis?

2. How would one of these said students react in the universe where Cathleen– Callie’s mother in my headcanon– lived?

And if you’re curious, “Where The Cards May Fall” is the title of my Ghostbusters II If Cathleen Lived Fic. I imagine that this would be a scene deleted because they couldn’t find a place for it.

If you’re curious, I imagine Tonia to be played by Amy O’Neill… and she might turn up again if the plot bunny hits me.

Enjoy!

————————

Continuar lendo

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 39

Chapter 39 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, Eddie is struggling through his last few weeks at the 136, trying to escape his feelings for Buck as well as trying to escape Bosko, who wants to talk to him about said feelings.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie

Warnings: internalized misogyny, internalized homophobia, insecurity, self loathing

~~~

Chapter 39: Fight and Flight

His trust in himself wavers on his first shift back, with Bosko sliding up next to him in the locker room. She quirks her brow at him, saying: “I thought you said it wasn’t like that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Eddie deflects, looking around desperately for anyone else, so he can escape. Alas, he hasn’t taken the time to befriend anyone there, so they’ve all already left, allowing him to become cornered by Bosko as he changes.

“Come on, Eddie, don’t play dumb. I mean between you and Buck,” Bosko prods. “I thought it wasn’t like that between you.”

“It isn’t,” Eddie says, angrily tugging on his shoe laces, then having to loosen them, because he tightened them too much.

“Really?” Bosko says, disbelieving tone heavily present. “Then why did I watch you make the biggest heart eyes at Buck at your shield ceremony?”

Eddie squares his jaw. He doesn’t want to talk about it. It was a slip up, something that won’t happen again. He has a responsibility now, he can’t let himself linger on Buck. It’s wrong and Eddie can’t afford to be wrong. “I wasn’t.”

“Come on, Eddie, I’m not stupid. There was something going on between you two.”

“Well, maybe you are,” Eddie snaps. “Because there was nothing. I’m not gay, so stop. Okay? It’s not fucking like that.”

She looks taken aback by his outburst for a moment, then she nods a few times, mostly to herself. Eddie has no clue what to expect now. She says: “Okay, I’m sorry. Then it’s not like that.” She pauses for a moment. “But you know, if it was like that-”

“Stop it. I don’t need to hear any of that crap and you already said that. It’s not like that, now leave me alone,” Eddie cuts her off, thunder cloud above his head. He stalks off before she can say anything more. He can tie his shoe laces on the couch upstairs.

Bosko doesn’t bring it up in front of the others, which Eddie is grateful for. However, everyone can pick up on the tension between them and, seeing that it is the 136 not the 118, they take Bosko’s side. So, it’s a lonely shift.

Eddie works just fine, it’s not awkward or anything, just less social. He is an okay part of the 136, probably not picked as a permanent replacement should it be necessary, but works with everyone well enough that he isn’t pushed out for rotating floaters instead.

He doesn’t mind that much. He’s only here for two more weeks and he has a job to do, a family to provide for. He doesn’t need to be best friends with his coworkers. At the end of the day, he just goes home, giving a polite goodbye to everyone and speeding out of there before Bosko can corner him again.

The next day, he purposefully runs a little late, barely making it in time for his shift, just to avoid her. He is bridging the gap, maintaining the status quo, providing. He has to focus on doing that, on coming in to work each day and leaving with more money in the bank. He can’t afford to think about Buck and he is managing very well to put him out of his mind at work, talking to Bosko about him will ruin that. Eddie can’t ruin anything again.

His great management doesn’t last very long.

As it turns out, it is quite difficult not to think about Buck all the time. At home, Buck is always there, unless he’s at his PT appointments; with Chris, he is a topic Eddie can’t avoid; and at work, he still feels the empty spot next to him where Buck should be.

So it all builds up again and after nearly a week, he finds himself texting Buck that he’s going drinking with a few people from the 136. He has carefully selected the evening to be one where Chris is sleeping over at his tía Pepa’s house, so he won’t miss bedtime again, just solo Buck time, which would have been bad for his predicament.

Naturally, this means he has to run into Bosko at the fight club. He spots her before she sees him and he thinks about running off, but the need for a release is bigger. So he sneaks off into the crowd, crossing his fingers that she doesn’t spot him.

He lurks in the back for the most part as he has done every time he’s been here. At some point, Bosko’s name gets called and he tries to disappear even further.

She wins her match, grinning into the crowd with her hands held high in victory. Eddie politely claps along, happy for her, despite his need to avoid her.

As he does, her eye catches his and he curses. He’s been spotted and he can’t leave, because his name hasn’t been called yet. Bosko is still caught up in everyone congratulating her, so he quickly changes spots, hoping to avoid her.

Eddie manages to hide out for all but fifteen minutes, before Bosko’s voice is behind him. “I thought that was you. What are you hiding out here for?”

He jumps out of his skin and twirls around, eyes wide. He clears his throat and tries to play it off, shrugging: “Saw you fight. Congrats. Got a bit too rowdy out there for me.”

“Sure,” she says, obviously not believing him.

Eddie doesn’t acknowledge it, just taking a sip of his beer and refocusing his eyes on the match that is happening. He doesn’t have to engage, he can play dumb.

Bosko observes him for a second, then rolls her eyes, before taking a seat next to him and cracking open her own beer. In lieu of nothing, she suddenly says: “Two of my exes started dating each other.”

“They did?” Eddie immediately asks, intrigued despite his confusion about the change of topic. It sounds like a telenovella plot. He misses watching those, but he has refused to do so ever since the… revelation, he and Chris can watch dubbed movies to practice his Spanish.

“Jup, Heather and Kelsy,” Bosko nods. “Adopted a cat together too, which is just rude because Butter – one of my cats – is the one I adopted with Heather and she left him behind in the break up and now she’s adopting one with Kelsy, who said she disliked Mayo – my other cat. I didn’t have Butter yet when I was dating Kelsy.”

“Wow.”

“I know right,” Bosko snorts. “I feel bad for the cat. If they break up, the poor thing is going to be left behind. Maybe Heather will try to dump him on me then, since we still talk. I can’t afford another cat.” Eddie makes a sympathetic humming noise, unsure what to say to that. “Does the husband like cats? Or Chris?”

He whips his head around, eyeing her with suspicion. He half thought she dropped it, but apparently not. He grits: “Not my husband. Well, not like that.”

“Okay, fine, point still stands,” Bosko says, going on as if it really wasn’t on purpose. “My point is that I don’t trust them with this cat and, honestly, I don’t think their relationship is going to last, so I am sending feelers out for someone to take the cat when it happens. What do you think?” To entice him, she adds: “They named him Tubs.”

Eddie knows that Chris and Buck would love a cat. He can picture how excited both would be to have a cat, how they’d fawn over the cat. Just picturing the sight has him nearly signing up to be a potential cat owner, should this relationship neither him nor Bosko are involved in fall apart and the cat end up abandoned.

Then reality sets in again and he remembers that he can’t plan long term for his family, when his family isn’t going to last. And he shouldn’t be daydreaming about watching Buck and Chris play with a cat.

Bosko sees his expression change. “Ahw, really? No? I thought he looked the type to want a cat, but I take that as a no? Is he allergic?”

“No, not allergic. He’s only allergic to naproxen,” Eddie answers on autopilot. “And Chris isn’t to cats, grew out of his meds allergy too. We just have hay fever.”

“Then why not?”

“Firstly, you don’t even know if they’re going to break up and even then, one of them might keep the cat,” Eddie says, his brain catching up with himself. He glares at her: “And second, if you want the cat to have a stable home, me and Buck won’t be a good choice, because we’re not seriously married and are probably going to divorce soon.”

“Really? With the way you were looking at him, I thought you’d stay married,” Bosko comments.

The glare intensifies. He’d been suspicious before and now he’s only proven right. Bosko is actually cool and he likes her, so this really annoying, because if Buck has the 118, he is going to need more friends for after the divorce, but he can’t deal with this.

“Diaz, you’re up,” the organizer calls him, saving Bosko from ending up at the other side of his anger and letting Eddie get away from that conversation.

Still, as he walks away, he turns for a second, saying: “It’s not like that.”

“Sure, Diaz,” Bosko calls back and Eddie’s fists tighten.

The beating he gives his opponent is almost on the wrong side of intense. There is just so much bubbling up inside him and it needs a way out. Besides, the guy looks like he can take it. Eddie might knock him down, but he got a lot of frustration out before that happened.

After getting his moment in the spotlight with a hand up, a moment of being a winner, he flees the scene, making sure to dodge Bosko. He wants to keep the settled feeling in his chest, be able to act normal at home, he doesn’t need her prodding right now.

Buck is already asleep when Eddie creeps into the house to shower, before rolling into bed. If he does this more, he might need to stick around or drive aimlessly until the sweat has dried, so he can play it off as work sweat.

Tía Pepa is dropping Chris off at school, so he can sleep in, waking to the smell of breakfast. Buck has been allowed to tentatively drop the crutches, unless he wants to walk a lot, so he’s back at cooking easily.

Tiredly Eddie joins him, gratefully taking a plate from him as he murmurs a good morning.

“Good morning,” Buck smiles as he quirks a brow. “Stayed out late last night? Or just a long shift?”

Eddie blinks a few times, before his brain catches up, then he makes what he hopes is a positive expression back. “A bit of both.” Then to distract Buck from asking more, he says: “Bosko’s ex is dating her other ex.”

“They are?” Buck asks, immediately invested, much like Eddie was.

He nods and repeats the story Bosko told him last night, glad to have this gossip to authentically sell his lie. However, he doesn’t mention Bosko asking them to take the cat. He just knows Buck will get excited, maybe even try to talk Eddie into adopting a cat regardless of what happens with Bosko’s exes. He can’t face that heartbreak. Can’t put a poor cat in Tubs’s place.

Next time he’s on shift, Bosko is in the locker room still messing with her own shoes as he comes in.

Eddie braces himself for a whatever comment she’s going to make about him running out on her at the fight club. Indeed, she speaks the second he comes in, not even looking up from her laces. “I’m beginning to think you’re rude, Diaz. I thought we were bailing each other out friends, not bailing on each other friends.”

“Uh…”

She looks up at him with raised brows as she finishes with her laces. Then she straightens up and heaves a deep breath. “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick, okay? I just recognize myself in you, I want to help.”

“You’ve already helped,” Eddie says. “You introduced me to your club. I don’t need more help, I have an outlet.”

“Yeah, an outlet, but not a processing,” Bosko points out. “You literally keep running. Every time I even mention Buck, you bail on me.”

It’s not a nice thing to hear, even if she’s right. Mostly because she’s right. Eddie has always been a runner. The fact that he is still standing next to Buck, instead of being on the other side of the world says a lot about how much he- Well, you get it.

“I had a lot of internalized homophobia to work through when I first realized I was a lesbian. I tried so hard to convince myself I wasn’t, staying in a relationship that wasn’t good for me, because then at least I wouldn’t be broken,” Bosko continues. “Ronnie is the one that helped me get out of that, who gave me space to figure myself out.”

“And what? You want to do that for me?” Eddie bites out, feeling cornered. He doesn’t need someone to help him overcome homophobia. He isn’t homophobic. And he’s not gay. He can’t be, so he isn’t. He doesn’t need her help.

“Yes!”

“Don’t,” Eddie says brusquely. “I don’t need your help and I don’t want your help. There is nothing for you to help me with. Do you have a refuse care form, because I’ll sign right now.”

“Come on, Diaz. I saw you look at him,” Bosko says, getting up and getting into his face.

“You don’t know jack shit about me. I was just looking normally. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks.”

“We only knew each other a little over two weeks when you asked me to bail you out of jail. Did I know jack shit then too?”

“When it comes to this? Yes. I know where I stand with Buck, I know where this will end. I don’t need you to come in and prod around in my brain. I’m managing just fine. I’m doing just fine. I’m not incompetent. I’m not dragging anyone down with me.”

Bosko takes a step back at that, since he is practically roaring into her face. Whatever she expected, it probably wasn’t this.

Eddie is breathing heavily, everything tense for a moment, before he hunches in on himself. It’s too much. Too revealing. Too personal. Too weak. Everyone upstairs probably heard him yell too. This is the fucking worst.

“I didn’t say you were,” Bosko says gently after a moment.

“I know,” Eddie grits out. “Just drop it, Lena. I mean it.”

“Alright, I won’t push. I just wanted to be here for you, still do. When you’re ready to face this, find me,” she says.

“Truce till then?” he asks, not denying not confirming. She has already seen too much from him and he’s tired. He knows, but he doesn’t. He ignores it, doesn’t face it, doesn’t even know exactly what he is avoiding, just that he is. Though sometimes he does it so well, he can forget what he’s hiding from. Today is not such a sometimes.

“Yeah, truce,” she says after studying him for a moment, probably trying to read where his head is at. “You good to work? I can talk to Ronnie otherwise.”

“I’m good.”

“Oh, okay. Good.”

They stare at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, before Bosko points over her shoulder with her thumb. “I should… I gotta go.”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, of course,” Eddie nods, turning back to changing instead of watching her leave.

He doesn’t go upstairs immediately. After what just went down, what everyone probably heard, he doesn’t feel up to facing everyone. Instead, he checks the inventory and does the maintenance on the trucks.

When he finally does show his face, the others acknowledge him with nods, but don’t try to include him in their groups. He ends up playing solitaire for most of the shift, almost tempted to say it is a quiet, slow, boring one, just to escape this.

The professional air marks the rest of Eddie’s final week at the 136. Eddie never fully managed to settle in there and it is clear they’re all going to be happy that Daisy is back. Much like the 118 will be glad to see Buck again. Maybe even him, though he doesn’t put too much stock in that.

While they’ve been texting and visiting again, Eddie hasn’t been that active in the 118 group chat and he has been trying to minimize face to face interaction with everyone. He’s still embarrassed about running out on his own celebration and nervous to face them. To fuck up. He can’t fuck up yet, he needs them. For Buck and Chris’s sake.

Needless to say, he’s climbing the walls of their house internally the four days between the end of his last shift with the 136, which was a 48 hour shift, and his first shift back with the 118.

He knows he needs to do something to act normal again when working with the 118. He wants to feel normal again. To be normal again. He knows punching a guy would help, but he doesn’t want to run into Bosko. They parted on okay enough terms, but he doesn’t want to risk giving her an opening.

In the end, he can’t take it anymore on the final evening before his shift.

After tucking Chris into bed, he joins Buck on the couch. He stood too much today and now his leg is hurting. Eddie offers to massage it, figuring it wouldn’t be weird, since Buck also helped him out like that during his recovery. He’s regretting that offer now.

The limb is warm and solid under his fingers, a heavy, comforting weight across his lap. He is feeling soft skin under his fingers and Buck keeps letting out these- these groans.

If Eddie lets himself slip – in the weak moments – he thinks of Buck’s smile or the way he lights up. How he looks when he’s cooking food and bopping his head to the music, how he furrows his brow when they do admin together. The warmth when he hugs Chris. The comfort he brings, sitting next on the couch to Eddie.

It’s never- It hasn’t been sexual. It was his one saving grace, the thing that made it all easier to ignore, easier to pretend it was just friendship. But now here Buck is. Groaning. And suddenly it’s as if a switch has been flipped in Eddie’s brain. A switch that says ‘hey, people can be sexual. Buck is sexual. We can think sexy thoughts of him.’

All his life, Eddie thought people had been exaggerating when they talked about sex. Sure, he liked the stimulation well enough, but it never consumed him. Hell, he’s been voluntarily and happily celibate since his last time with Shannon over five years ago. He never missed it.

Now, his brain has seemingly awoken something that most apparently discover back in middle school.

It’s so easy to transplant the groans onto a different scene, move Buck from the couch into either of their rooms. His head thrown back for different reasons, the groans still there, but now his shirt missing. Pants too. Eddie touching different warm flesh.

No!

Stop it!

Eddie wrenches his head away forcefully from where he’d been gaping at Buck’s head that was thrown back against the couch. He shouldn’t even have the soft thoughts about Buck, this is even worse. This is so far from being okay. This is wrong.

He’s perverted and a weirdo. His friend is getting relief from the pain and he is getting horny about it for the first time in his life. What the fuck is wrong with him? He’s already trapping Buck into a marriage, pathetically clinging to him. Now he’s also being a creep about it too? That’s unacceptable and a disgusting thing to do.

His hands feel dirtied by his thoughts and he haphazardly finishes. He wants to shove Buck off him, but doesn’t want to hurt him, so he settles on swiftly moving it to the coffee table, before jumping off the couch.

“Eddie?” Buck asks, sounding worried.

“I’m okay,” Eddie squeaks.

“Are you sure? You look jumpy. What’s going on in that brain of yours?”

“Uh, just nervous about tomorrow, I guess. I’m gonna go clear my head. Drive around a bit. Don’t wait up.”

He leaves a confused Buck behind, who blinks a few times at the empty spot where Eddie was just moments before. With a frown, he whispers to the silent room: “But you hate driving?”

Eddie is speeding to the fight club, getting the name on his list as many times as he can. He feels like it’s written all over his face that he did something wrong and he needs to replace that feeling of wrongness by the feeling of winning. Of being okay. Of doing something okay.

Maybe if he punches his opponents enough times, his hands will forget what Buck felt like? Maybe if he hears them groan in pain, he’ll forget how Buck sounded? Maybe if he fights enough, he’ll gain back control over his limbs, so they stop wanting to reach out to Buck?

Bosko is nowhere to be seen, which settles something in him. She is the only person who’d come over to speak to him, even with his jumpy attitude. Everyone else knows better and just leaves him alone. You don’t talk to people who don’t look like they want to be spoken to at fight club. It’s an unspoken rule.

That night, he swiftly works his way through three matches. He punches and he kicks and he blocks, letting the adrenaline take over and the world fade away.

A few hours later, he’s sweaty and more calm. He has beaten his thoughts into submission, wrestled his own mind back in line. He’s in control once more. He is winning. He isn’t going to be a creepy guy on top of it all. He has lived without those thoughts for all his life, he can continue to do so for the rest of it. He just needs to suck it up and deal with it.

As he is waiting for the sweat to cool somewhat, he is approached by a few guys. Mentally, he groans, but still greets them.

Everyone that comes here has a reason. If they think he can use some company, he can at least be polite in turning them down. Well, he can right now. If they’d come up to him before he got to punch three guys’s lights out, this conversation would have gone a little different.

“You’re pretty good at that,” one of the guys says. “You know, you have some talent. If you ever get sick of amateur hour, I got some other place you can let off some steam. Might even make you a pretty penny if you keep up that winning streak.”

Now Eddie knows he shouldn’t engage, shouldn’t hear them out. However, the idea of having a place like this where he won’t run into Bosko – that will give him outlet without having to think about whether he’ll have to confront what he doesn’t want to confront – sounds appealing.

Besides, he mentioned money. Eddie’s plan is providing for his family. They’re still half on Buck’s lesser income of medical leave. A side hustle won’t hurt.

So despite knowing better, he says: “What kind of place?”

~~

A/N:

I am a firm believing of demisexual Eddie Diaz, it just feel so true for him, so I had to put it in here, bc it’s so good <3

Also I know Bosko is being very pushy and I do not recommend doing that to anyone, shown in Eddie’s bad reaction to it, even if she means well. However, the 118 aren’t there to nose about and someone needs to be honest with this man and Bosko seems like the straight forward and slightly overstepping in that type, but just as a PSA, don’t push people about being queer when they tell you they don’t want you to.

And the poll results are in, so the people of tumblr have spoken: We are moving to three chapter uploads a week (I’ll switch back if I don’t like it, but honestly, vibe). So, new chapters are going to be dropping on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. I still have AUAUs and additions planned, but those are gonna be moved to Monday or Tuesday, depending on when I feel like uploading

Returning to writing AUAUs after finally posting my season 8A Chris finds Eddie’s HS diary fic is so much fun, like I’m working on such a silly one right now, it’s good to be back :D

[radykalny-feminizm]

Kpop fans need to be checked on bc they're arguing in the comments that this body is not normal and that she's fat 💀 I had to double-check if it's not some kind of satire bc wtf. But they're for real. I fucking hate it here

[aishabellasbigblogofeverything]

Feel like reminding people who insist on calling trans women and girls “dude” and “bro” as “gender neutral” terms that we live in a patriarchal society where men are seen as the default and that’s the only reason those SPECIFICALLY MALE words take on a gender neutral connotation, in addition to the fact that women are seen as lesser and so calling a man a female term is seen as “degrading”. Ik Tumblr tends to forget this with how much you love to call your male blorbos “baby girl” but yeah that’s how it is in this world. I don’t see y’all out here calling trans dudes sis or girlypop nearly as much but when it comes to trans women and their boundaries suddenly everybody and their mama wants to argue.

[thebusylilbee]

I think the expression "patriarcal terrorism" is a very good one for the unfortunately way too common cases of serial rapes and mass rapes done by men

[breathetoseethetruth]

I will never get over the fact, that one argument of D*pp supporters unironically is: "She doesn't look battered enough."

When exactly is a woman "battered enough" for you all?

This goes hand in hand with misogynistic men saying, that women should just endure it and stay, until their life is in active danger.

This goes hand in hand with people's subconscious idea, that only a dead victim is a perfect victim, because if she can still breathe, then she can still lie.

People saw Amber's injuries and deemed them not good enough, not severe enough, not "realistic looking enough" and somehow came to the conclusion that therefore, they must have been painted on.

We live in a day and age, where millions of people decided that it's believable that an abused woman painted on injuries, and do not care what a precedent this will set for possibly millions more women (at worst, they blame her for it). They chose to believe this insanity, rather than that a man simply did lay his hand on her. They excuse and ignore one piece of damning evidence after another against this man, but will scrutinize the tiniest flinch on the woman's face.

And yet, men have the audacity to claim that people are after them. That there's an "epidemic of men being falsely accused". They will use this against EVERY woman who will dare to name her abuser.

And so many of you enabled them.

[alyceinwonderland777]

⚠️TW⚠️: RAPE MENTION AND DENIAL OF WOMEN'S AGENCY

Basically @ohtheperipheryy believes that the fact that we are women automatically makes us mindless amoebas who are unable to choose when and who we want to have sex with. It's true that we live in a heteronormative society, but this does not take away the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice. Speaking about Andrea Dworkin, what she meant was that our society portrays sex between men and women as something that men do to women and that women passively endure, not as something that men and women do together. She herself later explained what she meant:

@ohtheperipheryy even compared consensual sex to sex work. I agree that @preachbubly could have put it another way, but that comparison is just disgusting. Andrea Dworkin herself was forced to be a prostitute, so if she were still alive she would hate @ohtheperipheryy's guts.

Furthermore, with this rhetoric she is invalidating not only women who have been sexually abused or sexually harassed by men but also women who have been sexually abused or sexually harassed by other women. Is she implying that a woman forcing herself on another woman or coercing another woman into having sex with her isn't rape because they're both women? 🤔

Obviously I'm not excluding or invalidating male victims. They are just as valid as female victims, but right now I'm focusing on female victims because given the topic it's easier for me.

In conclusion, be careful what you say and educate yourself before talking about someone or something, because you risk doing more harm than good.

Anyway here is the whole thread if you want to take a look to what that clown with the dog pfp said 🤡

Click below to open it:

[prosebyday]

She took the stand and spouted lies though she was once my friend the one that struck me with surprise Was that I wanted her boyfriend. I didn’t know why she was jealous  Until her ex reached out And was a little overzealous I can appreciate her self-doubt But why blame another woman? We should be on the same team Against these grimy men -- There’s no need to be so mean.  What happened to believing victims? I believed the trauma she told me When the time came  She had other loyalty.

Internalized Misogyny // Grazia Curcuru

[austynpowerss]

I want to talk about Aly's allegations (below). I sent this ask about Chenford to @fandomshatewomen. But I am not Aly's/ @ centralperkchenford's anon as she alleges. Everyone knows that anonymous messages can come from anyone, even those closest to us. It’s an irresponsible reach for Aly to label me as her anon and unfair to lump those that value diversity with those that insult. The person or people picking on Aly's looks needs to stop.

No one deserves hate for being against erasing and whitewashing Lucy Chen. I was anon on @fandomshatewomen because I've seen how Aly and others mistreat poc and I didn’t want that. These aren't "lies" as she alleges. There's evidence, which I have provided. It’s hard enough being a person of color in real life. I love the diversity on The Rookie but this fandom has few people of color actively participating in it. Partly because this community rarely feels safe for us.

Some of these women supporting Aly's whitewashing are active on Tumblr. One of them is always on here telling others to be kind and that she’s a safe space (she goes by @ moderatelydelusional on Tumblr). Safe for whom exactly? These whitewashers are trying to get a pro-woc and lgbtqia blog shadowbanned

I'm sooooooo sorry for all the awful, harmful things these people are doing to our dear Lucy Chen, us poc folx and our community 🫂🌎🫂. As I said in the ask, whitewashing is demoralizing. We don't deserve this racism from Aly nor the adamant defense of it from the likes of @ moderatelydelusional.

I’ll be off fandom for a week. Friends, my DMs are open per usual. Happy holidays and be well ♥️

[sapphic-agent]

A lot of katara hate really stems from misogyny (internal too) cause wtf is this

https://x.com/bambied_/status/1753880126029242427?s=46

Apparently that other girl's name is Hachi? Idk, I've never seen this show before nor do I understand what the tweet is saying (I can't see the replies because I don't have Twitter, thanks a fucking ton Elon). If someone can explain in the comments please educate me.

But it's definitely true that most Katara hate comes from misogyny, internalized misogyny especially. Most women who hate on her go absolutely crazy for Sokka or Zuko or Aang while excusing their actions and making Katara out to be worst than she is. Or they "prefer" Suki's feminism over Katara's (which is especially dumb because Suki never faced the level of misogyny that Katara did, she grew up on an island that celebrates the last female Avatar and reveres its female warriors while sexism was rooted into the Water Tribes' culture).

A great instance of how the fandom treats Katara vs the male characters is TSR. Everyone will go batshit insane over Katara saying, "Then you didn't love her like I did," but not one of them will bat an eye over Aang comparing her to Jet (someone who used and manipulated her) in that very same scene. Not to mention that she's right, Sokka himself admits that he started to picture Katara when he thought of his mother. He didn't feel Kya's absence as much (whereas Katara felt Hakoda's absence as much as he did) because Katara was around to take care of him while no one was taking care of her. He isn't as full of grief as Katara is because he had her there to support him. Katara was parentified and it started with Sokka and continued through Aang and Toph. One of the failings of ATLA was that this was never addressed (and was even perpetuated by the show).

As for what you linked? I'm assuming the post is making some weird comparison? One thing I can't stand about any fandom- whether it's comic books fans, anime fans, book fans, or whoever- is the need to compare female characters from different media. Like, I can't stand people who are all, "nAmI doEsN't gEt haTe LikE saKUrA." I don't even hate Sakura, but why are you bringing in an unrelated character? Just because they both happen to be women? Because the other Strawhats (especially Zoro, Usopp, and Sanji) hit Luffy just as much, so Nami being the one brought up is misogyny in and of itself (also, as a Luffy lover, he usually gets hit when he's giving away money or putting them in unnecessary danger, so he usually deserved it). We need to stop using women to put other women down (both real and fictional).

Now, if we're saying, "Hey, this female character was handled better than that female character," that's different. But 9 times out of 10, that isn't the case

[pleasantspark]

Forever & Ever - Chapter Three (You Can't Always Get What You Want) Frieza x Fem! Frieza Race OC Genre: Horror/Romance(?) Tropes: Yandere Part of The F&E Series Warnings: Possessiveness, Frieza (Because he's a whole ass warning in of itself), Sexism, Forced Gender Roles, Misogyny, Internalized Misogyny, Stalking, Implied Offscreen Death, Death, Yandere Behavior, Canon Divergent, Impossible Logic, DBZ Logic, Pregnancy, Abusive Relationships, Gaslighting, Toxicity, Manipulation, Animal Death/Animal Cruelty (Mentioned, One Time Thing), Suicide (Mentioned) AUs Utilized: Frieza Redemption Arc AU (Separate Arc, a COMPLETE different whatif) Frieza Race Overhaul Doc Used! Please check for it here: x A/N: Y'all really fucking wanted it, so here it is! Haha!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Frieza never heard of those words, he never was denied what he wants. He always got it. He never heard the words no. A spoiled child often is used to the idea of getting what they want that anything else they hear were in and out the other ear.

Frieza was that spoiled child, call him whatever you want but he won't sing and prance about how he gets everything because singing was nothing more than pathetic.

Something he finds as weakness.

Speaking of weakness...

Frieza found himself glancing towards the prison sector often more than he has to, he's spent most of the past few months isolating Orion to break her down and wear her down in order for her to give in. But he couldn't stop himself when he wanted to go and visit her.

Some part of him knew he probably deep down has... Well, feelings for her and has affection for her. But he never felt this before.

I always get what I want, and that's a fact.

Cooler spent most of his days on his ship walking through the various halls, past the portraits of his family. There was multiple portraits of him and his family, none of which were him smiling in them, after his mother passed.

It wasn't a secret that King Cold never loved his eldest. He was often the overlooked and forgotten Cold family member in favor for the youngest member.

Growing up whenever he would complain to his Dad about the unfairness his Dad would always say.

"Frieza was born prematurely."

Or.

"Frieza is special."

He sort of accepted that Frieza was the new norm and that whatever he said would never change his father's mind. But as Cooler grew up, he began to realize how...

Off Frieza was.

While he was born premature, and given the constant attention and support his father has given to Frieza, it had never made Frieza humble. It had turned him into a monster.

An irredeemable monster.

King Cold wasn't a great father, he would barely discipline Frieza. If anything King Cold's reluctance to do so, lies in his love for his youngest.

Cooler never had birthday's after his mothers death. Frieza would throw his usual fits that would garner sympathy and allow King Cold to give in, several birthdays were stolen because of Frieza's temper tantrums.

He wished his mother was still around, he knew she would not stand for these things.

It was... Even worse.

Cooler was given a pet. One year for his birthday. King Cold finally went out and bought Cooler a present. He's been asking for this pet from another planet for years but never wanted to tell him if Frieza's around so one day, King Cold surprised him with the pet he wanted.

Frieza was not happy.

The moment he was aware of it, he threw one of his infamous temper tantrums. And this time, King Cold finally put his foot down and refused to entertain this, and Frieza was shocked.

He never heard those words.

Cooler fully expected Frieza to fight back, but he just surprisingly got up, and walked to his room. For the next few weeks it was silent, Frieza didn't try his usual tatics to get what he wants, he just was quiet. For awhile Cooler thought his family was back to normal.

Oh how he was wrong.

One day, King Cold had to go off planet and Cooler had went out with friends. He left behind Frigid, the pet he named after his Mom in his room, and went to his friends house.

When he arrived home, King Cold was currently at the table, he greeted his father, and headed back to his room. He was hoping to see Frigid greet him, but she never did. He felt uneasy. What's going on? Immediately entering in the room, his eyes laid upon...

Well, to be frank, it was a gruesome sight, Cooler screamed. And attracted the attention of King Cold and Frieza.

King Cold noticed the carcass of the pet he gifted Cooler, and he looked back at Cooler. Both didn't have to say anything. They knew Frieza was behind it.

When his mother was still around, Frieza was thoroughly disciplined. She wouldn't have been a doormat like their father and allowed herself to be stepped all over like that.

Frieza was terrified of their mother, when he acted out and tried to strike him once, she grabbed his arm tightly, and squeezed it. It was a warning squeeze. "You do that shit again, and I will take you out this world, I brought you into this world and I can take you right the fuck out." Cooler found her statement to Frieza to be very badass, and just that alone scared Frieza into behaving.

Their father stopped the spoiling and they remained a normal family... Until, you know. Her death.

Some say it was an accident, he said it was Frieza.

After his pets death, Cooler moved out, he had enough of his father's refusal to punish Frieza accordingly and the alarm bells were ringing, as he didn't want to end up a skinsuit, so he packed what little things he had. (Some were family heirlooms and memories of his mother.) and moved out.

He formed the Cooler Armed Squadron as an attempt to escape his life. And he did, he severed ties with his family as he didn't want to know anything about them.

Then, he got word of his fathers death. Frieza called him saying that their adoptive mother, Berryblue had informed him of their fathers passing saying that a Saiyan Warrior killed him, Cooler didn't have much to say, other than a simple, "Okay."

I mean, what much did he have to say towards his Golden Child Brother, who lived life with no consequences? It's been nearly a decade since they interacted, and he had nothing to say whatsoever to the monster who ruined his life.

Okay, that's a bit harsh but Cooler knew that Frieza was the worse. A Monster even.

Not even a moment after Frieza called to inform him of their fathers death, he received a handwritten letter from Salza, which was written by King Cold moments after his death.

Opening the contents, it was clear from the get go, that this... Was no ordinary death note.

This was a suicide note.

In the entirety of the written prose, King Cold disclosed his apologies and explanations for his reasoning behind enabling Frieza's piss poor behavior, all of which amounted to pity and feeling bad for Frieza's circumstance. While he was apologetic for the death of the pet he got Cooler, he was aware that nothing he say can make up for what he has done.

Cooler read the entirety of the letter, feeling nothing but resentment for his sperm donor. King Cold spent more time making excuses for the golden child, rather than admitting fault and getting it over with and clenching his teeth admitting fault.

He even had the audacity to mention his mother as a scapegoat for everything, labeling her as the mediator and even claimed she was a better parent than I was.

It shouldn't take her to threaten him with divorce and full custody of them for him to get his head on straight, and yet, instead of rectifying his poor decisions decided to bow out in a less than fortunate way?

Fuck no.

He will never forgive him. Salza watched as Cooler burnt the letter. And that day marked the day he stopped feeling sorry for himself. As Cooler placed the portrait back on the wall, He had heard the saying "People weren't born evil, they were simply made evil." which is what he believed to be the case for Frieza, but he always wondered. Was his brother doomed to have became the way he did even if he had an equal upbringing? His thoughts are interrupted when he heard the footsteps of Salza approach, he turned slightly to face him.

"My Lord," Salza said with a bow. "Your brother, Frieza has requested an audience with you."

An Audience?

They haven't spoke in years following their fathers death, and now he wants to speak?

"What for?" Cooler asked.

"He said, it was of great importance." Salza said.

"What could POSSIBLY be important enough for him to request my appearance?" Cooler asked, annoyed.

"M'lord, I am aware you have... issues regarding your brother, but... He said he has... Found a partner and wants you to meet your soon to be sister in law."

<Last Chapter >Next Chapter

[schrijverr]

I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 42

Chapter 42 out of 50

Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.

In this chapter, across town from one another, both Eddie and Buck try to deal with Eddie’s decision not to come home, wondering where the future will take them. If they’ll ever be home together again.

On AO3.

Ships: Buddie

Warnings: referenced ableism, internalized misogyny, internalized homophobia, insecurity

~~~

Chapter 42: Two Worlds Apart

The next morning, Eddie isn’t there. Buck checks about three times, but Eddie’s bed is still empty and perfectly made, his truck isn’t outside, his jacket and shoes are not by the door, and his bag is nowhere to be found.

Eddie didn’t come last night.

That reality sinks in and Buck looks to Chris’s closed door. He’s still asleep, the exhaustion of the emotions from yesterday having sunk in. Buck doesn’t know how he’s going to explain that daddy still isn’t there when he wakes up, when Buck all but promised that he would be.

He grabs his phone and dials Eddie’s number again. He gets send to voicemail immediately, as if Eddie turned his phone off or let it die. It’s not something Eddie usually allows to happen, always wanting Chris to be able to reach him.

Something is wrong and Buck doesn’t know what. Doesn’t know if something is wrong with Eddie himself, between him and Eddie, or if Chris did something, which is practically impossible. Or maybe it’s with someone Buck doesn’t even know. The possibility of it being an affair is still very much alive in Buck’s mind, however, he also hasn’t forgotten the possibility of Eddie having an addiction, he doesn’t care that Hen and Bobby aren’t worrying yet, they haven’t been there and Buck has been trying to minimize what it’s like.

Buck is almost dialing Athena’s number before he stops himself. Eddie hasn’t been missing for 24 hours yet, he can’t file a report. He thinks. Plus, Buck is his emergency contact. If Eddie was wrapped around a tree somewhere, Buck would have known already.

Most likely scenario is that he is somewhere without a charged phone. No need to worry anyone else. Not yet. Buck can figure this out on his own, they’ve already leaned so much on the others, he can’t keep dragging them into their issues.

So, he doesn’t call Athena, instead calling Eddie twice. Both go to voicemail.

He collapses on a seat at the table, trying to think of what to do now. He sits there for at least thirty minutes, before he hears Chris’s bedroom door open, the sound of crutches going up the hall, before another door opens. “Papi, daddy’s not in his bed.”

Buck remembers a second too late that Chris likes waking Eddie up by clambering on his bed and now he’s already seen it empty. Chris comes down the hall, frowning in confusion. “Is he awake already? He always sleeps in after shift.”

Right now Buck wishes Eddie would get over himself and come home. Buck can deal with whatever fucked up thing he’s doing, so long as Eddie stops leaving him in the dark and comes home to his family. If not for Buck, then for Chris.

“Daddy’s not home yet, Superman. I’m sorry,” Buck says, deciding to just be honest and rip the band aid off instead of lying to Chris. He’s done enough of that already.

“You’d said he’d be home,” Chris accuses, angry, hurt and confused.

“I know I did,” Buck says helplessly. “Maybe he’s stuck in traffic, I’ll call him, yeah? You want pancakes for breakfast?”

Chris eyes him suspiciously at that. He normally won’t hesitate to agree to pancakes, but it seems like he’s catching on to Buck’s desperate attempt to mollify him with a nice breakfast, because he has no clue if he can keep any other promise. “Yes,” Chris finally decides.

“Okay, I’ll do that while I call. Why don’t you brush your teeth,” Buck suggests, pulling out the ingredients and his phone.

After one last look to the phone, Chris nods and leaves. He’s more quiet than he usually is when he goes and Buck hopes Eddie will come and fix this. Chris is starting to remind him of those first weeks after Eddie was deployed. He doesn’t know if he can go through that again, especially if Eddie doesn’t even call.

Or doesn’t pick up the phone, as he does all throughout the pancake making process. He also doesn’t come home all morning, the portion of pancakes made for him goes into the fridge next to the snack Buck left him for when he would come home after shift yesterday. Buck’s insides feel the same as how Chris’s face looks.

It’s confusing to miss someone and be angry at them. To have always known this was coming and be surprised anyway.

Buck misses Eddie like crazy. He’s his best friend, the one person Buck has let in wholly. Eddie is the love of his life and he’s pretty sure he’s never going to love anyone else like he loves Eddie. He loves his company, his face, his jokes and even his bad days.

He loves being the person Eddie can come to and, despite it all, he is so worried about him. Wants to make it better, to fix whatever is wrong. But Eddie isn’t letting him in anymore, isn’t letting him try and fix it like he did when Shannon left.

And Buck always knew this day would come. Always knew that one day he’d wake up and Eddie would turn to someone else and leave him behind. That no matter how much he loves Eddie, he will never be loved back and one day he’s going to have to let Eddie go.

However, now that the moment is there, it’s still taking him by surprise. Because it’s not supposed to go like this. It’s supposed to be a slow process, one he’s a part of. Not this. Not being abandoned again. Not Eddie running.

It fucking hurts to be left again. Out of the blue. No warning in sight. Buck didn’t think Eddie would do that, but here he is and if it was just Buck, he’d be heartbroken, but he can’t be heartbroken, because it’s not just Buck.

Eddie is leaving Chris too.

Chris isn’t supposed to be caught up in this. The plan has always been to be divorced, but it was supposed to be an amicable divorce, one that would allow Chris to keep both of them in his life without being surrounded by thinly veiled hostility or outright anger at each other. He was never supposed to feel their divorce.

Yet here Chris is, feeling abandoned by his own father, much like he’s already been abandoned by his mother. It pisses Buck off. Eddie knows Chris has been through more than enough already, does he not realize what he’s doing to his own son?

Buck can’t believe that. He refuses. He knows Eddie. He wouldn’t just abandon Chris like this unless there was a reason. Yet he doesn’t know that reason, he’s groping in the dark with worry and anger clinging to him.

Still alone, still abandoned, still responsible for Chris.

He calls Eddie again, heart making an excited jump when the phone actually rings. It rings, and rings and… nothing.

His shoulder sag in disappointment, but he tries again. This time he gets send to voicemail again, but there is something interesting about it. The phone doesn’t ring all the way through, Eddie must have clicked reject.

Buck must call Eddie about a hundred times after that, but he gets send to voicemail every time. He knows Eddie must be somewhat okay, because he’ll cancel the call. The timing is different, so he’s likely out there somewhere, contemplating whether he should pick up, then deciding not to.

Chris is refusing to go to his sleep over. Buck tries to convince him to go, hoping that being among his friends will cheer him up, but Chris refuses to go, wanting to stay until daddy gets home. Last night Buck said Eddie would be there to bring him to the sleepover and it becomes clear that Chris isn’t going unless that’s true.

Across town, Eddie is indeed getting the phone calls. That morning, more like afternoon, he’s on the couch with a blanket messily spread over him and a crick in the neck as a cat sits on his face until the suffocation wakes him up.

He must have fallen asleep before Bosko came home. The door to her bedroom is closed, but Eddie doesn’t feel like waking her. He’s still out of sorts after yesterday and he needs time alone to center himself.

Eddie makes himself coffee and steals some bread from the freezer to eat as breakfast. Then he sits quietly on the couch, staring at the wall.

What is he going to do?

Last night, he panicked and ran. He always runs, he ran with Shannon, he ran with Chris, he ran with his parents, and now he’s running from his family. From Buck and from Chris. The two people that mean the world to him. The two people he has never wanted to run from.

And stupidly he thought it had been going well, that he was coping. That his life wasn’t falling apart, but that he was holding on and making it through. He should have known better than to think he wouldn’t fuck this up. His plan was so simple too, just bridge the gap. And he can’t even do that, can’t stop himself from letting Chris down, letting Buck down. Dragging both of them down with him.

Chris misses him, Chris wants him home. Buck practically begged him to come home for Chris’s sake.

Eddie misses Chris too. He’s been so focused on getting his next fight in, on getting that fix so he can continue on, that he hadn’t even realized how much he was missing him until it was already too late. Because it is too late.

If he’d heard that voicemail before that fateful fight, it might have been different. It might have been enough for him to go, or enough to calm him down so much that he wouldn’t have bashed that guy’s skull in. However, he didn’t hear it before that fight and he did bash that guy’s skull in. He did that. Him.

How can he trust himself around Chris? Around Buck? Buck’s been pissing him off ever since he found out he- Ever since he found out.

The way Eddie keeps liking everything he does makes him feel things and he hates feeling those things, so he gets mad, because anger makes him feel in control. What if that doesn’t disappear? What if he keeps being mad at Buck, but now without an outlet? What if he hurts him?

Eddie can’t live with himself if he hurts Buck. Or Chris, but he thinks that chance is smaller. Chris always makes him feel better, but the chance isn’t zero. He snapped at Chris. He got angry. He never wants to be angry at Chris.

Of course, he probably is going to be angry at Chris at some point. He’s a kid, but he’s going to be a teen. He’s going to rebel and break rules and Eddie will have to enforce rules, but that is completely different than being angry the way he is now. He doesn’t want to risk getting angry at Chris with the head space he’s in.

But is having that risk enough to not come home? To stay away without as much as a goodbye when he knows Chris has gotten that enough already?

With guilt churning in his chest, he grabs his phone, wanting to see if there is a manhunt after him yet. He didn’t come home last night, he won’t think it too out of place if Athena comes kicking in this door sometime soon.

However, when he tries his phone, he finds it empty. He curses and looks around the apartment, trying to see if Bosko has a charger lying around. Mayo is still hissing at him as he looks around, but Butter is trying to trip him up during his search, apparently finding joy in weaving between his legs as he walks. In the end, he does find a charger that fits his phone near the couch, plugging it in and waiting for it to charge.

When it’s charged enough, he turns it on, getting jump scared when it starts to ring. Not wanting to wake Bosko, he turns off the sound, before looking down to see who it is. It’s Buck. The contact photo of Buck and Chris smiling at the camera together from a trip to the zoo is staring up at him accusingly.

Suddenly, picking up seems like a Herculean task. Words have never been his thing and he doesn’t even know where to begin this conversation. Doesn’t know what to expect or what to prepare for, what expectations he has to fulfill.

Before he can figure himself out, the phone stops ringing and he lets out a sigh of relief. Only for it to immediately start ringing again. On instinct, he rejects it, before he wonders if that was the right move.

All day Buck keeps calling and every time he does, Eddie finds himself spiraling. He doesn’t want to pick up, doesn’t want to face his own screw up. Doesn’t want to face Buck when his mind is still one big fucked up place and he has no clue what he’s feeling or what he wants. He’s just scared, terrified really. Picking up will make it all real. He doesn’t want it to be real yet.

Buck hasn’t left another voicemail yet. Probably deciding it’s not worth the effort. Eddie feels hurt by that and guilty about being hurt.

As he hangs up for what must be the hundredth time that day, Bosko’s voice startles him. “You know you can’t avoid him forever, right?”

“What?” he asks – though it might be more of a surprised shout – as he turns around to find Bosko, holding Mayo in her arms while the big white fluffy cat purrs gently, instead of the hissing Eddie has endured from the little monster.

“I’ve been watching you looking constipated at your phone and then hanging up for a few minutes now. It’s getting sad,” she informs him bluntly. “At some point, you have to pick up. Or call him back.”

Eddie glares at her. “I know that.”

“You do? Oh, my bad, I thought you confused the red and green button,” Bosko shrugs.

While Bosko puts Mayo on the ground, so she can start rummaging around in her kitchen, Eddie clenches his fist at her tone. His hackles are rising and he can’t reach back to the memory of last night to ground him because of how it ended.

Bosko notices the clenched fists and quirks a brow as she challenges: “What are you gonna do, Diaz? You gonna punch me?”

“No,” he grits out, trying to force his hackles down. He’s not doing violence as an outlet anymore, he needs to quit.

“Good start,” Bosko grins brightly. Before continuing: “I got Ronnie of your back. He recognized you too, wanted to go to Captain Nash about it. I told him I was the one that got you in and if he’s disciplining you, he’s disciplining me. So, you’re clear there. Off the record. Anyway, pasta for breakfast-dinner?”

“Sure,” Eddie says, not really having an opinion. He is grateful to her for saving his job, two suspension is quick succession would have been bad. Still, his heart isn’t in it and he feels as if he’s floating outside his body as he turns back to his phone, seeing another missed call from Buck. He sighs, then puts the silenced phone in his pocket.

Contrary to his prediction, Bosko doesn’t push more, instead telling him about her shift – the guy he punched made it to the hospital okay and likely isn’t going to press charges – and updates him on Kelsy and Heather, who are going on a trip this week and have roped her into cat sitting Tubs.

The pasta is good and Eddie finds himself unclenching as they talk. So, it feels a bit like she built up a false sense of security by the time they’re done with dinner, when she suddenly asks: “So why are you dodging Buck’s calls? I get that going home after yesterday was a lot, but I half thought you’d be out of here by the time I woke up and I had to go chase you down to finish our conversation.”

Eddie looks away, not meeting her eyes as he crosses his arms. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t know what to say?” Bosko repeats incredulously.

“Yeah,” Eddie exclaims defensively. “It’s not like I can say: ‘Hey, Buck, sorry I’ve accidentally abandoned you and Chris, because I’ve been running away from my problems and I can’t act like a normal person, so I’ve been bashing people’s skulls in to cope and now I might snap and punch either of you, because I’m quitting cold turkey after I nearly killed a guy. Anyway, what’s for dinner?’ Like what do you think?”

“And letting him think you’ve driven off the road somewhere or fled the state, is better how? You can at least let him know you’re alive.”

“Buck isn’t worried, he’s probably mad at me,” Eddie insists, a little petulantly, even though he knows Buck well enough to realize that he’s likely still worried about Eddie, no matter how pissed off he has the right to be. Buck is good like that.

“He’ll probably get more mad if you keep ignoring him,” Bosko rightfully points out. “And I don’t think you’re scared of the anger. What are you really afraid of, Diaz?”

“I’m not afraid,” Eddie says hotly. He’s a man, he doesn’t do scared and he doesn’t do panic, he doesn’t care how rapidly his heart is beating at the thought of facing Buck.

“Then why aren’t you picking up the phone?” Bosko counters.

Suddenly he is really interested in anything but her face. Butter and Mayo are napping in some bits of sunlight, that’s interesting.

“Eddie,” Bosko prompts.

“I already told you, I don’t know what to say.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t fucking know, Bosko. What do you want me to say?”

“What do you think?”

“I said I don’t fucking know,” Eddie yells, slamming his hand on the table, before startling back at his own outburst. Shocked he looks down at the hand, then back at Bosko, before stammering: “I- I am so sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to do that.”

“I know.”

He rubs his hands over his face, before thunking his head on the kitchen table. With his face smushed against the wood, he says: “I need to get my head on straight. I can’t answer the phone until I’m normal again.”

“You keep using normal, what do you mean with that?” Bosko asks curiously, but also like she already knows the answer and is prodding him towards something.

Eddie looks up from the table and glares at her as he huffs: “Just normal, you know. Not needing to punch people all the time, not being able to live my life like I used to. Normal.”

“Okay, so normal is going to work and going home without feeling the need to punch people,” Bosko summarizes. Eddie nods. She then cheerfully asks: “So, when did you want to start punching people?”

“You know that,” Eddie says, not wanting to get into it, because that means having to talk about the- the… revelation. “You bailed me out the first time.”

“I bailed you out after you punched your first guy, we’re talking about why you wanted to punch that guy,” Bosko says annoyingly not letting Eddie get away with it.

Deflecting, Eddie puts his nose up and says: “I wanted to punch that guy because he was being an asshole.”

“You’ve always punched every asshole you encountered?”

“No?”

“So what made this asshole different?”

“He insulted Chris.”

“He’s the first asshole to ever insult Chris?”

“No.”

“So why punch him?”

“Because he was there and I was angry,” Eddie yells at the onslaught of rapid fire questions.

“What made you angry?” Bosko asks, leveling him a look, completely unimpressed by Eddie’s outburst. “Really think, Eddie. What made you mad?”

Eddie looks away, jaw squared and gritted teeth. He knows what actually made him mad, but he doesn’t want to admit to it.

But Bosko keeps looking at him and a part of him knows he has to do this if he ever wants to go home. He can’t go home like this, he’ll have to get through this conversation with Bosko. Actually work through his shit. So, he lets out a breath and admits: “It all got too much.”

“What did?”

“Just everything,” he throws his hands up. “Buck was injured, so everything was on me. I had to do the driving, the grocery shopping, the housework, the bills, the maintenance. Everything. It’s like drowning on land. I tried so hard, but it was so much and I couldn’t do it. Buck did it when I was injured, but I couldn’t even do that for him. I mean, what kind of man am I that I can’t even provide for my own family without falling apart? Buck can do it. Buck isn’t like me. He’s good and capable and not- not-”

“Not what?” Bosko asks pointedly.

“Not me,” Eddie manages to get out, despite nearly strangling it in his throat. Buck is a man. He’s a man. It’s a shameful fact that Eddie feels every time he thinks about it. How Buck could do it like Eddie couldn’t, how Eddie feels a pull towards him, even though he shouldn’t.

“Not you how?” Bosko pulls him ever closer to crossing a line he can’t cross back. He knows that once he’s said it out loud, he can’t put the skeleton back in the closet so to speak.

He bites his lip and shakes his head, not wanting to say it. Not wanting to admit it. Not wanting to make it real.

“Come on, Eddie. Just tell me. What’s different about Buck?”

“He’s normal and good. So good,” Eddie wobbles. “Too good for me and I- I just- I just wanted to- to give that to him too. Take care of him, like- like he takes care of me, but I- but I can’t. All I did was trap him. I trapped him. I- I- I took advantage of his kindness and I trapped him. I tricked him into marrying me and now I can’t even let him go, even if I’m failing him, because- because-”

Bosko moves to sit on the chair next to him, scooting closer so she can rub his back as she assures him: “It’s okay, you know. You can say it, there’s nothing wrong with it.”

Eddie chokes on a sob, then quietly cries: “I love him. God, I love him so fucking much and I’m not supposed to do that. I’m not allowed to do that.”

He’s crying so hard, he can’t even see the heartbreak on Bosko’s face as she pulls him into her side so he can cry on her shoulder.

This is the first time he’s admitted out loud, the first time he has let himself feel it since he realized it. I mean, truly feel it without immediately stuffing it down. It’s overwhelming. Buck is such a big part of him. Of his life. His family. Buck is everything to him, together with Chris. The three of them are a unit and he has put so much of himself in that. As has Buck.

The two have put in the work like he and Shannon didn’t. Like he didn’t want to with her. She’s always been right, saying he couldn’t love her and deep down he knew that too, deep down that’s why he ran, why he didn’t try to stay like he’s doing now with Buck. He just pushed it down so far that he forgot she was right, but now he remembered. He remembered and he can’t forget.

He wants to stay here with Buck forever. When he thinks of spending forever with Buck, it feels like a balloon in his chest that expands without anywhere to go, filling him up and making him feel light, making him float. It feels so good, even though it’s not supposed to.

Eddie hasn’t wanted to acknowledge it, because it’s not what he is supposed to feel. He’s not allowed to feel good. He’s not allowed to feel happy at the thought of being married to Buck. He’s not supposed to pretend their marriage is real and the family they have is permanent. He’s not supposed to want to stay married, instead of divorcing Buck like he should.

If he is honest with himself, he can admit that that’s why he didn’t let himself feel it. Because if he felt it, he knew he couldn’t let himself have it and then he’d have to let it go.

But now he’s managed to let it slip through his fingers anyway. Clinging on too hard until it flew from his grasp, like wet soap in the shower. And he knows that if he picks up that phone, that is what Buck will tell him.

Buck will tell him that it’s over. He’ll tell Eddie he’s done and that is worse than living in this constant state of hurt. Of feeling like he’s wrong and broken and not good enough. Feeling like he has to run continuously, like he has to pretend, like he has to try so hard to be normal, despite knowing he’ll never be able to.

It’s so selfish and unfair to Buck and it only serves to make Eddie feel more horrible. He’s always been so dependent, asking more than anyone should have ever had to give. Always asking for help instead of doing it alone. Buck never let him do it alone, Buck always gives and gives as Eddie takes and takes. It’s time to give now, it’s time to let Buck go, even if it will destroy him.

~~

A/N:

I got to be honest with y’all, I’m hurting my own feelings here omg

[daily-mizuki-hrt]

tw: internalized (trans)misogyny, self doubt, angst

i… didn't go, even though i could’ve

kyouka sat in front of her computer after she dilated. i promised yuwu that i would go running with him yesterday and i just. didn't.

i totally could've. i didn't feel ill or anything but…

it just felt like something against my identity.

for so long, i carved my dislike of sports into my psyche. 

that i am weak

that i hated sports

that i am not like the other boys because i don't like sports

it became something that helped me convince myself that i am a girl.

plus, the transphobes probably don't want me competing anyway…

haha…

i know it's wrong for me to think this way. i know i can… probably do sports too but.

it's hard to escape something you etched into your soul.

well, time to keep playing… oh wait, i have homework for college don’t i

ah, i’m so pathetic. don't even have anything i’m interested in other than games…

[nofilterpolls]

*added by nofi since this wasn't an option on the original poll