#tw restricted eating

[thebibliosphere]

Lying in bed thinking about the conversation I had with my mother tonight. I called her to let her know the GI doctor seemed good, and we'd be going ahead to schedule the colonoscopy + endoscopy, and how I'm hopeful I'll finally get some answers and maybe start a treatment plan that might help alleviate the excruciating pain I've been in since May.

Her reaction was catastrophic devastation. "Oh no, how awful, those procedures are so horrifying, this is devastating. Are you sure you have to do it?"

And, I'm just like... as opposed to what I'm dealing with now?

I can't eat solids. I am barely tolerating liquids. Everything hurts. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I've dropped 40 lbs since May. I am barely functional right now. And I know neither procedure is pleasant. Name a single medical procedure that is. But if shoving a camera on a roto rooter from one end of my digestive tract to the other tells them what the fuck is wrong with me (chrons is suspected + MCAS complications), then it'll be worth not dealing with this anymore.

And there's a small, jaded part of me that knows her and knows how she thinks and the way she used to control my food intake that can't help but wonder if she's just glad I'm thin again.

Maybe I'm being cruel. Maybe I'm projecting back the childhood trauma she gave me. But I also can't help but recall how she saw a picture of me holding my niece at Christmas, both of us beaming and laughing, and the only remark she made was, "Are you still on the steroids? They make you gain weight, you know."

[saddi3grl]

[explode-this]

Okay before I go do my dishes (per the tags in my last reblog) first I’m going to tell you about a three-ingredient thing that is very simple to make and is saving my life right now because (insert here: incoherent rage about surgeons, the medical establishment, and gatekeeping that I’m not going to detail but the tl;dr is that in order to get something internal fixed I’ve been prescribed my old eating disorder 🙃) I am a human being who values flavor and texture but is being severely medically restricted for the foreseeable future, anyway—

Ingredients: one 4-serving package of zero sugar jello (I have tried lime, orange, lemon, raspberry, and strawberry and they’re all good); one 8oz block of cream cheese, and a tub of zero sugar cool whip (thawed)

Instructions: make the jello according to package instructions but with half a cup of boiling water, put aside (don’t refrigerate). Microwave the cream cheese for 15 seconds to bring it up to room temp (otherwise just bring it up to room temp, I do this b/c I will accidentally leave the cream cheese out too long otherwise). I use an electric beater to whip it smooth but since the jello will still be warm it shouldn’t be too hard to mix it up with a fork if you don’t have beaters. Oh yeah, add the jello and mix/beat. Once those two things are combined and smooth then fold in the thawed cool whip until it’s combined (I’ll start with half the cool whip and then add in the rest).

Refrigerate for a few hours or overnight. It will have a cheesecakey texture and is actually pretty tasty provided you’re already used to artificial sweetener, which I am (mother had diabetes so she trained me in the ways of Equal/Splenda, diet soda, and other aspartame bullshit. Also guess what, THAT DIDN’T HELP)

Oh no I just did the recipe blogger thing without meaning to do the recipe blogger thing

Anyway it’s a nice treat and it’s helping sustain my will to live between protein shakes and weighing out meat and vegetables!

[green-static]

Is dieting supposed to hurt this much

[nova1224]

Saw this on X/Twitter never related more in my life 💀

[greenhairedfreakglobal]

if nicocado avocado can do it, so can i

[daughter-of-a-hungry-ghost]

Made the red bracelet for Ana and put my goal weight on it to make me remember what I am fighting for.

[bblprincessa]

skip dinner, wake up thinner

[thebibliosphere]

My "emergency" GI appointment, which was scheduled back in April (lol, like it's an emergency, but we're going to schedule you several months out, try not to die~), is next week, and I'm starting to get that familiar "but what if the doctor is a dick" anxiety. And while my medical trauma is valid, I'm trying so hard to counter it with "But what if the doctor is nice and fixes me?"

And, like... words cannot express how much I need the latter to be true because it's been literal months of this agony. I'm so tired of living on liquids and the occasional bite of solid food. I'm so tired of solid food causing me immense pain and putting me back on weapons-grade antibiotics every couple of weeks. I'm down 40lbs since May. I can't focus on anything. I'm barely making it out of bed. I'm not okay. Please, for the love of god, fix me.

[saddi3grl]

[sevenstarcigarette]

☆

Some of my favorite safe foods!

If anyone wants any low cal recipes that aren't just plain cucumber and egg whites I'd be happy to post some with all calories calculated ☆

[bobbabubblez]

The only spooky thing haunting me this Halloween is my weight

[thereisnothinghereagain]

Where are all my adult anas?

It's a different world stepping into Eds shoes again half way through life.

I don't have to worry about my parents getting mad at me

I don't have to worry about my school teachers getting mad at me

I don't have the typical teenage drama that spurred this mentality shift

I remember Ed being a call a shout for help just to be seen and cared for as a teenager. But now no one sees me, I have no watchful eyes on me. No one whispering under their breath, no parents staring at me across the dinner table as I play with a half eaten plate, no boy trouble or pubescent drama fueled by hormonal rage and indifference. I'm not doing this to impress the boy I like or try to fit in with the popular kids.

I am invisible

Except from myself.

I'm in a strange state of visible translucency. I tell people I'm fasting and they believe me, I tell people I'm too tired to come meet them for dinner they believe me.

Fuck, even my live out partner whose been here for the last 3 days who I have said the words 4norexi4 to and who has watched me consume nothing but tea for 3 days doesn't question my choices.

How different a world it is when you're seen but not seen. I am validated but I remain a shadow.

[calsandmemes]

My brain is so dumb

[daughter-of-a-hungry-ghost]

If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital.

If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.

So when I evaporated, of course everyone congratulated me on getting healthy.

Girls at school who never spoke to me before stopped me in the hallway to ask how I did it.

I say, “I am sick.”

They say, “No, you’re an inspiration.”

How could I not fall in love with my illness?

With becoming the kind of silhouette people are supposed to fall in love with?

Why would I ever want to stop being hungry when anorexia was the most interesting thing about me?

~When The Fat Girl Gets Skinny, Blythe Baird

[hotgreenteasstuffsblog]

one of my friends just complained to me about how a size 0 was too big on her and she had to drop to an xxs🙃i! never! want! to! eat! ever! again!