#tw depersonalization mention

[poltertoast]

Ghost wearing masks to combat the fact that he doesn't fully identify with his own face after the puppet arc. He gets therapy for it but it still lingers about.

[flowerakatsuka]

some doodles based on the gender thoughts i've been having about kuroba the past few days, mostly on how their appearance changed between middle school and their final year of high school. i also thought it'd be funny if kuroba didn't get recognized by classmates while they were helping at the flower shop back then, ( foreshadowing ig. )

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Gender dysphoria + not feeling like you have a complete sense of self is the worst combo actually

[thecouncilofidiots]

Hnnnnnnng

I said I was gonna take my meds but now I don't wanna

I am slipping from reality, don't wanna exist (/dissociation, not suicide)

:(

[pandorias-box]

Data Log: ??? (User ID: FVC-8272793-Ω)

((TW: death, derealization, depersonalization, repeating words))

Log No. _

Hopefully the voice-to-text configuration is working. Good, good. Thank the Blinding One or else there would have been even more technical complications. And that’s something I’m far too accustomed to. The sector said it was a good idea to do audio logs as a sort of reflection, and I can see why. I can just…speak my mind without being glared at. A-anyways. This is my first time doing something like this. I always thought it was a waste of time, but…it may just help me with my thoughts.

Orienteering and initiation went well, I suppose. My studies in the field have been preparing me for this all my life. It was either this, or try to get a minor position as an ambassador for the High Council, but petty politics was never my strong suit. Besides, I am unfit regardless. At least with being in the genetic engineering sector, I can finally get a better understanding as to what my condition is. I fear that it may worsen as time goes on, but it is best not to waste it thinking on worst case scenarios. Regardless, I want my research and potential findings to help people, especially those like me. It may seem like a fruitless and idealist venture, but even now we have lights in the darkness.

I’ll update this log whenever I can or when it is deemed appropriate.

Log No. __

I met someone. I mean, I meet people almost every day due to being in one of the largest growing sectors, but she wasn’t a part of it. We had some discussions regarding our areas of expertise. She was a historian, the exact opposite of what I study, and yet she was captivated by my desire to just…help people with my work, whatever it may be. It’s all hypotheticals now, but maybe I’ll find something from her, as crazy as it sounds. Genetics, history, both are tied and connected to memory and what came before. Maybe instead of focusing on the future, perhaps the answer I’m looking for is right in front of me or it lies within the past itself. But, I haven’t come up with a hypothesis yet. Stars above, I think I’m getting distracted by someone whom I’ve never even met before now.

Log No. __

I never thought that I’d get inspiration from the Creation myth and yet…here we are. Look, I know it sounds unrealistic as to what I am trying to accomplish, but if it is possible, then maybe we could usher in a new era for Ultra Megalopolis. It is not a surprise to us that transgenic organisms exist. The sector was the one that approved and perfected doing so on edible plant material in order to sustain our population because normally, the crops taken from outside of U-Meg would normally die. In order to counteract this, we modified some specimens so that they had specific nightbloom lichen genes in them so that they could survive in dark conditions. And it worked.

But, back to what I was saying earlier. In one interpretation, it says that we and the Ultra Beasts are separate, but in another it says that we shared one common ancestor and at some point a distinction was made and we diverged from them. If there is evidence to suggest that we had some sort of genetic ancestor, or primogenitor, that connects us to UBs, then that can lead to a myriad of possibilities for genetic therapy. We could, for example, use a gene that results in regenerative body growth in order to combat atrophy and other genetic conditions that result in the deterioration of the body and mind. But…there’s a limit to what we can do for now. This may only be a dream and my proposal may not be taken seriously. I just want this pain to cease. I don’t want to run out of time yet when there’s so much ahead of me.

Log No. ___

It worked. By the Blinding One, it worked. The genome therapy that I and others worked on within the genetic engineering sector ended up resulting in a successful operation on a subject who had degenerative bone growth. It did not work instantaneously due to the process taking moons on end, but their injuries have healed. By using the genome of [redacted], I can give people a chance again. Maybe this can work with other specimens and their specific genomes. I could give someone with muscular deterioration the ability to sustain themselves again by potentially using Buzzswole genomes. This…this can be our future. The people who worked on me with this ‘primogenitor’ project are very much excited to see where our research will end up next.

Log No. ___

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I can move my arm again. It is no longer paralyzed and…no, I should explain. I used the solution on myself. I know it is risky and selfish of me to do it, but after seeing this success, I wanted to know if I could have a chance again. And I can. The initial injection…hurt quite a bit, but I hope this pain is just temporary. I cannot wait to tell her. Altana, I mean. Has it been so long that I forgot to update the log about-

Log No. ___

The person whom I first gave the genetic therapy to. They’re dead. They’re dead because of me. Nobody in the URS knows besides me and the others who worked on the project. I didn’t want this to happen. This was the last thing I wanted to happen, actually. And I…oh, Blinding One, have mercy on me. I did the very same to myself. Why? Why was I such a fool? I had all of this time to calculate and formulate countermeasures to if the treatment ended up being defective, and yet I failed. I don’t want this to be what gets me expelled from the URS. Please…

Log No. ____

Connection. There’s something that connects us all. Aura. Beasts. Light. A progenitor that came before everything else. Why have these thoughts now come to plague me? This is the next step in the project. The next logical course of our evolution, it-.

What am I saying? How many mad ravings can I go on? I feel like I’m losing myself and I can’t even tell her about it. I don’t want her to be concerned. She…has too much to deal with already. But, I feel even more of me slipping away as the march of time goes on. My hair is even starting to whiten. Is it stress? A genetic mutation because of… I don’t have time to think about this. I don’t think I have much time left. They’re going to find out I did more ‘gene therapy’…

I never meant for them to-.

[ALL SUBSEQUENT AND EARLIER DATA FILES HAVE BEEN LOST AND/OR CORRUPTED]

[spookedwerewolf]

update: I don't think I'm plural. While I do have different identities with different mental ages/ways of thinking and can get heavy dissociation/depersonalization and also forget things a lot due to trauma, I don't think I'm plural... maybe??? no idea. Anyone have any ideas?? Anything at all would be helpful. /nf

[cr1ms0n4nd-ac3]

Day 04 of @a-s-levynn 's ST ART LYRIC CHALLENGE

( sorry if you keep being tagged, I'm in a writing motivation right now so I had to do this.. also it's fanfic time, and I think it's time for the BG3 Fans to see this.. )

"CAUSE I AM BROKEN INTO FRACTIONS, AND I AM DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION."

Based on a dream I had.

This is it, this is where the angel has reached its goal

An ending that he wanted to find at all, it was distracting for him to achieve it Everytime he adventured alone

With no companions of his beside him to follow along, they are no longer here for now.

They are only here for a clone that the angel has made, to make them get away from the trauma Tav has.

Only except that vampire, yes. Him.

Tav can remember the things that Astarion had said to him, about wanting to protect him, about wanting to crave affection and care and he'll always do it for him.. only for the angel to grow self-aware to his own existence, why?

The fallen archangel is no longer himself.

The angel created a clone to make sure that the others will not begin to grow suspicious on him, the real Tav is now adventuring alone.. wanting to get the ending he needs

In each reset and each erase, Tav can feel the guilt inside of his own mind and heart for torturing his friends, in order to not let them see the pain the angel has. Tav is not the Tav he knows, he is a player.

A player with a sense of self-awareness and a sense of broken and emptiness, all because of his Creator, Elliot.

He can remember the pain and manipulation that he has been through, Tav's heart was til too empty, Tav's soul was not a heart. But an actual file.

If someone dared to erase him, he will be gone forever.

As for himself though,he has an goal.

A final and everlasting goal is to find a final ending.

And the only ending he has to find... If he can find the glitch pieces to gain a new and final form. Tav will not stop until he finds the glitch anomalies who looked like his friends. He knows how unreal they are and know how glitched they are, because they represent the trauma that the companions has. Nothing but sorrow and paranoia

After all, the player personality is no longer here.. Tav, the player, has broken into fractions.

...

YOUR SACRIFICE IS SELF-WORTH IT

{ BANNERS NOT MINE }

[mewos-laptop]

Shout-out to BPD for the disassociation and depersonalization gotta be one of the weirdest symptoms of this fuckass disorder

You're telling me I can walk downstairs and then wonder why I'm downstairs because "oh well I didn't do that" even though I fucking remember doing it ?????? Bullshit I tell you. Nonsense I say.

"Oh well yeah dinner was eaten yesterday and I know what I ate but that wasn't actually me. Why don't we start feeling nauseous over it now and ignore it happening so that way shit doesn't get confusing" gamer what. If you know you ate then why did you not do that. What are you saying rn.

Also the hardly remembering shit at all bc of it, that's weird too. I can't remember most of the shit that happened over like... an entire summer bc my brain just won't let me bc of my awful falling out w/ my first(?) FP, and the only thing I CAN remember from that time period is my genuine consideration of suicide, which is also fucking hilarious.

"Oh yeah this one guy I really like decided to not talk to me anymore, this is clearly the worst thing ever to happen to me, I need to kill myself over it." like dude you're gonna be fine it's just Some Guy...

Anyways shout-out to BPD it's a weird ass disorder to experience

[n1ghtwarden]

minth is vain - she has a high opinion of her physique and face (as she should, she's hot); but after being freed from the tadpole's influence and orin's occasional piloting of her as a thrall, to me - it is a front; denial, even. minth does not recognise her own body any more. she is covered in awful, deep scars that have been haphazardly patched together from orin's blades and hooks. she spent a week, at the very least, in the colony at moonrise - she also admits she will never recover from what was done to her. old scars and battle wounds that once gave her such pride ( surviving assassination attempts; the scars she gained besting her mother, every wound sustained in combat and marked just how strong and capable she is ) have been overwritten with new, fresher ones. depending on how deep orin went, it is likely she has nerve damage in certain areas as well - something that would have become plain to her only after being rescued by the party. her body, which has carried her through so much, is not only unrecognizable to her, but is a stranger - something she does not like to look at any more; and the scars a reminder of the shame of her defeat and capture.

in addition to the scarring, minth's body was quite literally not her own while tadpoled and enthralled. either obeying commands of the absolute or being puppeteered by orin - her body has always been a weapon; for lolth, for the absolute - but while in the underdark, minth knows she did everything there of her own volition, instead of coming out from a fog to realise all her hands did with no choice or regard to her own feelings or morals.

another reason why, in the brief moment at the goblin party, minth would proposition the player - to regain agency over a body she no longer knows; and another reason behind the extremely hard boundary of space she requests from a romanced tav if asked about sleeping with them again once freed.

[poltertoast]

PIE members Tma taleblr au fates part 2/?

Covering Alberto Guppy and the Military Morons

this character I did not know existed but thankfully his wiki got me enough. I imagine Albertos "parents" instead were experimenting with the fears properties and whose more susceptible to fears than kids?

Alberto and his sister were kidnapped- er chosen for this project when they were young. Each child was exposed to the different fears, or what the parents assumed were calling to the fears.

But nothing took. Not until Albertos sister was given a Leitner. She became a creature of the dark. An unknown legend.

While Alberto was spared because he just wasn't afraid. Who knew being introduced to incomprehensible fear beings at such a young age could kill your fear?

As for the fish thing, that's his own brains journey on depersonalization or maybe a Leitner. I hc he stays an intern at PIE trying to find his sister. (He's also a Vast avatar because Crew says so)

Now onto the Morons.

As I detail in the tag this is very much memory based and the human mind is odd with memory.

I forgot if they have names so we'll call them A and B. PIE was babysitting them on what was supposed to be a non mission. Just a simple encounter to show Toasts idiot 2nd cousins what real jobs are like.

Then things got complicated. The zombies they encountered were even more sickly seeming and everywhere they looked their seemed to be insects gathered.

Despite this, they pushed on.

A was the first to succumb. He'd gotten infected carelessly while role-playing COD. Apparently replica armor doesn't truly save you from the crawling filth. The others tried to save him, tried to pull out the bugs that had crawled under. But he stopped them, urging them to go on without him. He's got this bro.

When the others got a break, they reinforced their clothes with duct tape and put on gas masks.

They'd managed to breach the ritual and were setting up to destroy the building but it turned out they weren't the only ones with that idea.

B had insisted on going ahead, he could plant the bomb himself, he had protection. He ran straight into the corruption avatar despite his precautions.

He got caught in the crossfire. He and the avatar were thrown into the Vast ocean. Bodies squirming as the endless blue devoured rhem.

Toast only found his helmet, covered in mold, covered in writhing worms. He couldn't tell his family the truth. That he'd gotten them killed, that they died like this. So he spun a story.

They were brave! They tried to be ghost hunters just like PIE. They insisted they went forward first, it was easier that way. They died noble deaths, not screaming or crying, painless heroes deaths. Then their spirits helped to save him and Ghost. They were noble through and through.

Toast keeps a picture of them tucked in a box besides his wives.

[nameless-network]

essay assignment: "write about an anchor that connects to your past/history/sense of self"

my memory issues + depersonalization combo:

[musesofthemoon]

Kotori + CHANGED

Glimpses of the Past | Accepting

The girl wakes up in a forest she recognizes. The Spirit Forest... The first time she had come here, she knew why. Now though, her head felt like cotton, foggy and unable to distinguish anything at all. She felt light, weightless even, as she tries to get a grasp on her surroundings. It takes her a long time to realize that she is not alone in the snowy trees, finding herself surrounded by many birds. One was the forest's keeper, but the others looked a different sort of warped. They all looked the same too, to the point where she isn't sure if it's just one, or multiple clones of each other...

For once, she can look upon the bird itself without fear. She knew she was already cursed. It was the single thing that remained clear in her mind, aside from Yuzu, and that she was looking for something. But what else, what else..? She does not have time to think it over, instead listening to the bird at the front speak.

"You fought valiantly, but you have failed in your mission," it says. Mission, mission... She was looking for a bell, and she could have sworn she knew where it was. But it escapes her now, though many things do now. It feels like the bird is mocking her, that all of them are. She feels clearer in her person now, and she gets a bit angry. This... It must mean she's dead now, stuck in this cursed forest for the rest of her days. What else must they do to twist the knife?

"And what's your point? What do you want from me?" she says through gritted teeth. It's intimidating to have so many eyes trained on her, but she fights through it. She's only been sitting here in her senses for five minutes, and these creatures have already angered her. It bubbles from her as she waits for some sort of response, the equivalent of a raised eyebrow appearing on its face before it says anything.

"Feisty, are you... But it is no matter, that interests me." Such words make her uncomfortable, as it continues. "Like all who fall to this curse, you will now be in service to me forever more. However, unlike the creatures you see before you, your form will suit you just fine." It feels as though it believes itself to be generous and kind for such a thing. She doesn't know if she should feel relieved for this, or be indignant. She decides on the former, believing that she'd do better not to make it change its mind.

Her mind was unclear, and she felt different now, but she was still a person. That would just have to be enough for now.

"Your silence tells me you understand... Good, that saves the effort. You will patrol the forest, for anyone who enters. Lead them to start searching for the bells. That is all." Before she can protest, the figures around her disappear one by one, until she is left alone.

...No, she is not alone. A voice that is not her own speak within her mind. Or, maybe it is many, she cannot tell. They all speak in unison, in a broken speech. There are many thoughts, all at once. She understands the meaning, even if the words should sound like nonsense. It makes her head ache, but she does not complain. It seems as though this would not be changing any time soon.

She does not remember who she was before, but she is herself.

She is Kotori.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Currently dealing with time loss and someone is yelling at me in my head to find the binder I bought but.,. Because of whatever is yelling at me I can't really recall my own memories??

It's so weird to explain cause I'm being told it's in my suitcase but *I* know I took it out of there and now my memories are such a mess that I can't figure out what happened to them afterwards and this voice in my head doesn't know either and I'm just!! So overwhelming!!

It feels like I'm dealing with someone else's gender dysphoria which is more extreme than mine now too and I feel like I'm going to throw up!!

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

oh how I long for someone, anyone, to confide in.

I forgot how lonely I was until I sat in my room in the dark, alone, wishing there was a shoulder to cry on beyond my own.

[timechange]

He’s pretty sure he’s going crazy.

Everything’s fine; great, in fact. The McFlys are all sitting around the dinner table, currently covered with bowls of snacks, for their weekly game night. They’re going to watch a movie later. Rented one specially from the video store. 

We always watch a movie, they tell him, you know that, Marty. Are you alright?

No, he’s not. 

Their smiles are too bright, too wide, too fake. Their clothes are too perfect and Linda’s fancy floral perfume is making his head spin.  

It’s wrong, it’s all wrong. 

Marty rattles off some bullshit excuse over the ringing in his ears and gets the hell out. He flattens his back against his bedroom door, breathing hard. After locking it, he dives for the phone, heart trying to make an escape attempt through his chest. 

@doctorbrown ‘s familiar voice makes the teenager slump over in relief, running a hand through his hair. 

“Doc,” Marty breathes, letting his eyes fall shut. “Doc, I’m—“ 

He hears footsteps in the hall, his name said in a sweet tone muffled through the door, and knocking. 

“I, uh, I forgot to give Einstein a bath,” he blurts out, glancing over his shoulder. // starter call! 

[meowmeowbilly]

Billy Hargrove Bingo - C3 Fill

Bingo Fill for @billyhargrovebingo

Square and Prompt: C3 - Identity Erasure

Title: Billy Hargrove, The Lost Boy (Playlist)

Running Time: about 2 hours & 15 mins

Also created to accompany the playlist: Photo edit, brief blurb of writing; the blurb is below the read more.

Info for the Blurb

Rating: T

Word Count: 516

Ships: None

Major Tags: Canon Divergence, Vague Mentions of DPDR/BPD symptoms, Mentions of Child Abuse, Neil Hargrove, Vague Description of Suicidal Thoughts

Summary: A very tiny glimpse into the backstory of Billy Hargrove and why he's lost his identity.

People know Billy Hargrove, they see him, perceive him, and experience him, these events lead them to form an idea of who he is in their minds, so they believe that they know him. None of them know him, in fact, Billy doesn't even know himself. He hasn't known himself for a very, very long time. He's always been good at pretending, playing pretend was his favorite thing as a kid, now it's a constant, every day necessity.

He plays a different role, puts on a different costume, and reads different lines with different delivery for everyone in his life. He's done this for so long that he's not even sure if there's anyone under the masks he wears, inside the shell he calls a body. He remembers being a scared little kid, but that could describe a lot of people, it isn't who Billy is.

The story he tells to the people of Hawkins is far from the truth, but he's going to tell everyone what Neil tells him to say. He was a completely different person, his mother didn't let the abuse happen to him more than once or twice and she was fighting Neil for custody. She won, at least for a while. Things were alright, but he wasn't ever really allowed to be a kid. He was getting some chance to be a "normal" teenager, but then Neil started another custody battle and won, a couple moves and a few years later, he's in Hawkins.

"You've changed," Max will say, "I don't know what your problem is," and, "I think you were a lot different in California, it's like you're not even yourself anymore."

Billy knows that he should feel hurt or upset by her words, but he isn't, her words are true. He was a much different person in California, he had fun with Max, took care of her, he actually had friends, had real conversations, and enjoyed himself. Here? He doesn't have any of that. Hawkins is the town that he's stuck in, the prison he's been put in, and he knows that you've got to do what it takes to survive, even if it's shit you don't like.

He's been playing a character since the day Neil won custody, he's wearing a mask so frequently that he doesn't have much memory of who he used to be. He's missing chunks of memories, years worth of memories, and each day he pretends to be someone he isn't, he loses a little bit more.

He's not sure who he used to be anymore, he's not really sure who he is now, and he's absolutely terrified of who he's going to be in the future. If he was able to interact with his younger self, would the kid even recognize him? Billy doesn't even know if the 15-year-old version of himself would recognize who he's become. He's a player in the game, a piece on the chessboard, and an actor on the stage; Billy's ready for the curtains to close and the game to end, he's ready for it to be over.