#tw depersonalization mention

[poltertoast]

Ghost wearing masks to combat the fact that he doesn't fully identify with his own face after the puppet arc. He gets therapy for it but it still lingers about.

[t1r3d-0f-3v3ryth1ng-02]

being self aware is tiring

because how do i know if it is acceptable to feel like this or react like that? or if i am just overreacting, ect.

[flowerakatsuka]

some doodles based on the gender thoughts i've been having about kuroba the past few days, mostly on how their appearance changed between middle school and their final year of high school. i also thought it'd be funny if kuroba didn't get recognized by classmates while they were helping at the flower shop back then, ( foreshadowing ig. )

[multiplesillylittleguys]

(Can't believe I have to add this, but exomemories exist. No, I have not physically been in ww2, obviously, but alters can have their own memories and triggers.)

CPTSD.

I can cope usually but I heard a poem that makes me feel like I'm going insane. It's ringing in my head, getting louder and louder with each word. It reminds me of the war. It reminds me of HYDRA. I feel myself becoming less and less "me". I can feel myself slipping back to who I was then, feeling what I felt and it's terrifying.

-James.

(The poem is Boots by Rudyard Kipling. If you have any triggers related to war, avoid this. Please.)

My husband Dennis and I enlisted together, and the first time we got captured was also together. I got found by Steve, he wasn't found until over 80 years later. When I got captured again, a while after the first time, I finally saw him again. I wanted to tell him Steve was coming to get us. But he didn't recognize me because of what they did to him, and would soon do to me. And it hurt. It's not his fault, of course not. But having your boyfriend at the time not recognize you because HYDRA was frying his brain over and over again hurts.

Every time we as much as blinked in a way that made it look like we remembered something, anything, back in that damn chair. Sometimes I don't even feel like I knew what it was doing, I just knew that it hurt.

I tell him that it's not his fault. Logically, I know it's neither of our fault. But how do you believe that when you didn't even see your targets as human? Hell, I didn't even see myself as human. Because I wasn't. I was a machine, an asset, a tool.

Memories keep flashing through my mind. I'm afraid I'm turning back into what HYDRA made me. I don't want to hurt my husband.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Gender dysphoria + not feeling like you have a complete sense of self is the worst combo actually

[rottingbunnyheart]

Am I truly human if I cannot even bleed?

[pandorias-box]

Data Log: ??? (User ID: FVC-8272793-Ω)

((TW: death, derealization, depersonalization, repeating words))

Log No. _

Hopefully the voice-to-text configuration is working. Good, good. Thank the Blinding One or else there would have been even more technical complications. And that’s something I’m far too accustomed to. The sector said it was a good idea to do audio logs as a sort of reflection, and I can see why. I can just…speak my mind without being glared at. A-anyways. This is my first time doing something like this. I always thought it was a waste of time, but…it may just help me with my thoughts.

Orienteering and initiation went well, I suppose. My studies in the field have been preparing me for this all my life. It was either this, or try to get a minor position as an ambassador for the High Council, but petty politics was never my strong suit. Besides, I am unfit regardless. At least with being in the genetic engineering sector, I can finally get a better understanding as to what my condition is. I fear that it may worsen as time goes on, but it is best not to waste it thinking on worst case scenarios. Regardless, I want my research and potential findings to help people, especially those like me. It may seem like a fruitless and idealist venture, but even now we have lights in the darkness.

I’ll update this log whenever I can or when it is deemed appropriate.

Log No. __

I met someone. I mean, I meet people almost every day due to being in one of the largest growing sectors, but she wasn’t a part of it. We had some discussions regarding our areas of expertise. She was a historian, the exact opposite of what I study, and yet she was captivated by my desire to just…help people with my work, whatever it may be. It’s all hypotheticals now, but maybe I’ll find something from her, as crazy as it sounds. Genetics, history, both are tied and connected to memory and what came before. Maybe instead of focusing on the future, perhaps the answer I’m looking for is right in front of me or it lies within the past itself. But, I haven’t come up with a hypothesis yet. Stars above, I think I’m getting distracted by someone whom I’ve never even met before now.

Log No. __

I never thought that I’d get inspiration from the Creation myth and yet…here we are. Look, I know it sounds unrealistic as to what I am trying to accomplish, but if it is possible, then maybe we could usher in a new era for Ultra Megalopolis. It is not a surprise to us that transgenic organisms exist. The sector was the one that approved and perfected doing so on edible plant material in order to sustain our population because normally, the crops taken from outside of U-Meg would normally die. In order to counteract this, we modified some specimens so that they had specific nightbloom lichen genes in them so that they could survive in dark conditions. And it worked.

But, back to what I was saying earlier. In one interpretation, it says that we and the Ultra Beasts are separate, but in another it says that we shared one common ancestor and at some point a distinction was made and we diverged from them. If there is evidence to suggest that we had some sort of genetic ancestor, or primogenitor, that connects us to UBs, then that can lead to a myriad of possibilities for genetic therapy. We could, for example, use a gene that results in regenerative body growth in order to combat atrophy and other genetic conditions that result in the deterioration of the body and mind. But…there’s a limit to what we can do for now. This may only be a dream and my proposal may not be taken seriously. I just want this pain to cease. I don’t want to run out of time yet when there’s so much ahead of me.

Log No. ___

It worked. By the Blinding One, it worked. The genome therapy that I and others worked on within the genetic engineering sector ended up resulting in a successful operation on a subject who had degenerative bone growth. It did not work instantaneously due to the process taking moons on end, but their injuries have healed. By using the genome of [redacted], I can give people a chance again. Maybe this can work with other specimens and their specific genomes. I could give someone with muscular deterioration the ability to sustain themselves again by potentially using Buzzswole genomes. This…this can be our future. The people who worked on me with this ‘primogenitor’ project are very much excited to see where our research will end up next.

Log No. ___

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I can move my arm again. It is no longer paralyzed and…no, I should explain. I used the solution on myself. I know it is risky and selfish of me to do it, but after seeing this success, I wanted to know if I could have a chance again. And I can. The initial injection…hurt quite a bit, but I hope this pain is just temporary. I cannot wait to tell her. Altana, I mean. Has it been so long that I forgot to update the log about-

Log No. ___

The person whom I first gave the genetic therapy to. They’re dead. They’re dead because of me. Nobody in the URS knows besides me and the others who worked on the project. I didn’t want this to happen. This was the last thing I wanted to happen, actually. And I…oh, Blinding One, have mercy on me. I did the very same to myself. Why? Why was I such a fool? I had all of this time to calculate and formulate countermeasures to if the treatment ended up being defective, and yet I failed. I don’t want this to be what gets me expelled from the URS. Please…

Log No. ____

Connection. There’s something that connects us all. Aura. Beasts. Light. A progenitor that came before everything else. Why have these thoughts now come to plague me? This is the next step in the project. The next logical course of our evolution, it-.

What am I saying? How many mad ravings can I go on? I feel like I’m losing myself and I can’t even tell her about it. I don’t want her to be concerned. She…has too much to deal with already. But, I feel even more of me slipping away as the march of time goes on. My hair is even starting to whiten. Is it stress? A genetic mutation because of… I don’t have time to think about this. I don’t think I have much time left. They’re going to find out I did more ‘gene therapy’…

I never meant for them to-.

[ALL SUBSEQUENT AND EARLIER DATA FILES HAVE BEEN LOST AND/OR CORRUPTED]

[spookedwerewolf]

update: I don't think I'm plural. While I do have different identities with different mental ages/ways of thinking and can get heavy dissociation/depersonalization and also forget things a lot due to trauma, I don't think I'm plural... maybe??? no idea. Anyone have any ideas?? Anything at all would be helpful. /nf

[mewos-laptop]

Shout-out to BPD for the disassociation and depersonalization gotta be one of the weirdest symptoms of this fuckass disorder

You're telling me I can walk downstairs and then wonder why I'm downstairs because "oh well I didn't do that" even though I fucking remember doing it ?????? Bullshit I tell you. Nonsense I say.

"Oh well yeah dinner was eaten yesterday and I know what I ate but that wasn't actually me. Why don't we start feeling nauseous over it now and ignore it happening so that way shit doesn't get confusing" gamer what. If you know you ate then why did you not do that. What are you saying rn.

Also the hardly remembering shit at all bc of it, that's weird too. I can't remember most of the shit that happened over like... an entire summer bc my brain just won't let me bc of my awful falling out w/ my first(?) FP, and the only thing I CAN remember from that time period is my genuine consideration of suicide, which is also fucking hilarious.

"Oh yeah this one guy I really like decided to not talk to me anymore, this is clearly the worst thing ever to happen to me, I need to kill myself over it." like dude you're gonna be fine it's just Some Guy...

Anyways shout-out to BPD it's a weird ass disorder to experience

[n1ghtwarden]

minth is vain - she has a high opinion of her physique and face (as she should, she's hot); but after being freed from the tadpole's influence and orin's occasional piloting of her as a thrall, to me - it is a front; denial, even. minth does not recognise her own body any more. she is covered in awful, deep scars that have been haphazardly patched together from orin's blades and hooks. she spent a week, at the very least, in the colony at moonrise - she also admits she will never recover from what was done to her. old scars and battle wounds that once gave her such pride ( surviving assassination attempts; the scars she gained besting her mother, every wound sustained in combat and marked just how strong and capable she is ) have been overwritten with new, fresher ones. depending on how deep orin went, it is likely she has nerve damage in certain areas as well - something that would have become plain to her only after being rescued by the party. her body, which has carried her through so much, is not only unrecognizable to her, but is a stranger - something she does not like to look at any more; and the scars a reminder of the shame of her defeat and capture.

in addition to the scarring, minth's body was quite literally not her own while tadpoled and enthralled. either obeying commands of the absolute or being puppeteered by orin - her body has always been a weapon; for lolth, for the absolute - but while in the underdark, minth knows she did everything there of her own volition, instead of coming out from a fog to realise all her hands did with no choice or regard to her own feelings or morals.

another reason why, in the brief moment at the goblin party, minth would proposition the player - to regain agency over a body she no longer knows; and another reason behind the extremely hard boundary of space she requests from a romanced tav if asked about sleeping with them again once freed.

[poltertoast]

PIE members Tma taleblr au fates part 2/?

Covering Alberto Guppy and the Military Morons

this character I did not know existed but thankfully his wiki got me enough. I imagine Albertos "parents" instead were experimenting with the fears properties and whose more susceptible to fears than kids?

Alberto and his sister were kidnapped- er chosen for this project when they were young. Each child was exposed to the different fears, or what the parents assumed were calling to the fears.

But nothing took. Not until Albertos sister was given a Leitner. She became a creature of the dark. An unknown legend.

While Alberto was spared because he just wasn't afraid. Who knew being introduced to incomprehensible fear beings at such a young age could kill your fear?

As for the fish thing, that's his own brains journey on depersonalization or maybe a Leitner. I hc he stays an intern at PIE trying to find his sister. (He's also a Vast avatar because Crew says so)

Now onto the Morons.

As I detail in the tag this is very much memory based and the human mind is odd with memory.

I forgot if they have names so we'll call them A and B. PIE was babysitting them on what was supposed to be a non mission. Just a simple encounter to show Toasts idiot 2nd cousins what real jobs are like.

Then things got complicated. The zombies they encountered were even more sickly seeming and everywhere they looked their seemed to be insects gathered.

Despite this, they pushed on.

A was the first to succumb. He'd gotten infected carelessly while role-playing COD. Apparently replica armor doesn't truly save you from the crawling filth. The others tried to save him, tried to pull out the bugs that had crawled under. But he stopped them, urging them to go on without him. He's got this bro.

When the others got a break, they reinforced their clothes with duct tape and put on gas masks.

They'd managed to breach the ritual and were setting up to destroy the building but it turned out they weren't the only ones with that idea.

B had insisted on going ahead, he could plant the bomb himself, he had protection. He ran straight into the corruption avatar despite his precautions.

He got caught in the crossfire. He and the avatar were thrown into the Vast ocean. Bodies squirming as the endless blue devoured rhem.

Toast only found his helmet, covered in mold, covered in writhing worms. He couldn't tell his family the truth. That he'd gotten them killed, that they died like this. So he spun a story.

They were brave! They tried to be ghost hunters just like PIE. They insisted they went forward first, it was easier that way. They died noble deaths, not screaming or crying, painless heroes deaths. Then their spirits helped to save him and Ghost. They were noble through and through.

Toast keeps a picture of them tucked in a box besides his wives.

[nameless-network]

essay assignment: "write about an anchor that connects to your past/history/sense of self"

my memory issues + depersonalization combo:

[t1r3d-0f-3v3ryth1ng-02]

Just finally found out what beans are lmao (sort of new to tumblr) how can i like to see it drip but don’t like beans or sty!? Like bruh..

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

oh how I long for someone, anyone, to confide in.

I forgot how lonely I was until I sat in my room in the dark, alone, wishing there was a shoulder to cry on beyond my own.

[timechange]

He’s pretty sure he’s going crazy.

Everything’s fine; great, in fact. The McFlys are all sitting around the dinner table, currently covered with bowls of snacks, for their weekly game night. They’re going to watch a movie later. Rented one specially from the video store. 

We always watch a movie, they tell him, you know that, Marty. Are you alright?

No, he’s not. 

Their smiles are too bright, too wide, too fake. Their clothes are too perfect and Linda’s fancy floral perfume is making his head spin.  

It’s wrong, it’s all wrong. 

Marty rattles off some bullshit excuse over the ringing in his ears and gets the hell out. He flattens his back against his bedroom door, breathing hard. After locking it, he dives for the phone, heart trying to make an escape attempt through his chest. 

@doctorbrown ‘s familiar voice makes the teenager slump over in relief, running a hand through his hair. 

“Doc,” Marty breathes, letting his eyes fall shut. “Doc, I’m—“ 

He hears footsteps in the hall, his name said in a sweet tone muffled through the door, and knocking. 

“I, uh, I forgot to give Einstein a bath,” he blurts out, glancing over his shoulder. // starter call! 

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Currently dealing with time loss and someone is yelling at me in my head to find the binder I bought but.,. Because of whatever is yelling at me I can't really recall my own memories??

It's so weird to explain cause I'm being told it's in my suitcase but *I* know I took it out of there and now my memories are such a mess that I can't figure out what happened to them afterwards and this voice in my head doesn't know either and I'm just!! So overwhelming!!

It feels like I'm dealing with someone else's gender dysphoria which is more extreme than mine now too and I feel like I'm going to throw up!!