#tumblr is not a diary. and yet.

[samwiselastname]

hey this is a weirdly personal post about what I'm writing and also processing childhood trauma - with a big blanket trigger warning - and I might delete it later!

I'm kind of nervous about making it explicit that this character had a notable traumagenic adverse childhood experience. like I know what audiences are going to assume if I drop (Nonspecific Entirely Repressed Early Memory) into this character soup. but I'm having trouble articulating why? It's not like "oh people will assume it's That Theme" or "people will find it fetishistic"

explicitly, the specifics of this trauma do not matter. it is formative, it is damaging, and the shape of it is irrelevant in a society with such deeply fucked ideas about autonomy it has just bled out into everything else - self-worth, pleasure, security

the ambiguity is a cop-out for me in some ways! I have cycled through a few different ideas for What This Guy's Deal Is! I have not been able to decide. the longer I've worked on this, the more certain I've become that this is important, and the reveal is really, think, essential to the core message. it's! not That though!

maybe a reason I can articulate is I am a little mortified to be playing this trick in this narrative at all. you hand me a lineup of the main characters in this story and ask me which I could use in a narrative about childhood sexual abuse, and I would say, "I would simply not use the cast of ffxiv endwalker for this purpose, I think." ...or. well. (gestures at pandaemonium and winces. that's a fair reading, I guess, you gotta come at it sideways but they are the gothic family drama raids)

so I'm between a rock and a hard place of like, define this event and lose the weight I want, or leave it undefined and run the risk of making this dark in ways I Do Not want to touch

and I think more generally this is something I'm familiar with from my own life. there are kinds of trauma that are reasonably ego-shattering, and then there's just Defective Character that blows up the normal shit everyone goes through. why do I feel like shit all the time, maybe the echoes of Satanic Panic Memory Recovery Therapy hold the answer. this is surely not a moral OCD thing. is your trauma like, justified tho? was it really bad or were you just a baby serial killer?

ah there we go. put too much of myself in this one and I know people will read it wrong!

and that's kind of it, there is a logic to conservatism and fascism that traumagenic experiences are the natural state of the world and people who can't hack it are inferior, and that is THE core psychology of this character which he is utterly unable to change, and he will not stop imposing that worldview on others because it is how he can regain a sense of safety and worth. this is raw and it sucks and how did we end up here. why. only way out is through? hell of a route though.

hey (puts my head in my hands and bats my eyelashes) have you guessed who this character is yet. maybe you see why I'm mortified to be tackling this very deep and personal anxiety through this pov specifically. here comes a special boy

[shwinlsol]

I apparently have an affinity for drawing grizzled old men and their psychopathic exes

[realrosielol]

Value

[chvsire]

I have become a little insane about zane x rhys on the smp (+ ALOT more art below)

something something a priest character always being shipped with demons, what a beautiful thing

[ophernelia]

@brookie: “i hate when short girls date tall men” just say you want my man atp ho

beginning | next

[phemiec]

murderbot….this is it’s happy face

[lastofthe20thcenturygirls]

maomao:

also maomao: don't worry and just marry consort lishu, jinshi-sama. i am even ignoring that basen and lishu were giving heart eyes to each other. just go ahead and marry her it's cool :)

[schrutexbucks]

It's Founders' Day! I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl.

The Vampire Diaries S1 E22 Founder's Day

one gifset per episode 22/171

[ladykyriaa]

I am not kidding when I say I visit this tag daily. asking,begging, PLEADING for fanfictions

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

[spywhitney]

This is going to be Sydney when trying Carmy's dish (if they show a flashback to her food tour in New York):

These three gifs are for gifs sake. Not mine obv.

[idontknowhowtodrawmyself]

My face still has its challenges. I am facing them, but they remain challenges.

[userlaylivia]

I forgot some more again so I'm gonna make a part 3 lmao like I forgot rachel green, monica gellar, raven reyes, octavia blake, prue halliwell, and etc so be warned lol it may not be as many as the last two though lol

tagging some people: @maya-matlin, @tudorgirl, @nessa007, @useragarfield, @makeyouminemp3

[thefrogdalorian]

I had a dream we saw the first teaser trailer for the Mandalorian & Grogu movie!! It was grainy, leaked footage (the fact even my brain knows that will probably be how we see it first is hilarious).

Frog lady was on a surfboard(?) in somewhere that looked like the Mines of Mandalore with a bunch of bright red tadpoles swimming around her.

There was a lot of action and fighting, Din was taking down everyone in sight anD THE BESKAR SPEAR WAS BACK!!!!! At one point Grogu did a flip from behind him and took out an enemy too? It was epic.

I think I also remember there being a snow covered mountain of some kind?? Lots of aerial shots and pretty landscape. Not sure what that was about. I couldn't get much from the plot but if Frog Lady shows up in the Mando movie now... I manifested this...

[urimaginarygirlfriend]

I JUST GOT INTO MY DREAM SCHOOL OH MY GOD

[jessythebunny]

I know this question is not related to your content, but how are you, Jessy? :>

I'm not doing good at all, I'm just fucking screaming in the background bc of this shitty school😤💢!!