#tough thoughts

[hash-mashh]

i can’t believe very soon i’m not going to be able to say i’ll be doing or will be something “when i grow up.”

I AM GROWN UP? impossible impossible impossible impossible impossible

[bernnotice]

This random vid popped up on YT today; the thumbnail text gave us a light chuckle, and watching someone make music has always been effective in killing time while we avoid thinking about our feelings - Much to my surprise as, 18 minutes later, I'm weeping over my existence

[nosnexus]

Not bad for a first shot at Acrylics :)

Gotta figure out who I’m doing next!

[hyakunana]

"Did you… also have someone taken from you right before your eyes?"

[lilidawnonthemoon]

[nudibutch]

as someone who has unknowingly been in a "mentally unstable femme/do anything for you butch" [i was the do anything for you butch] dynamic i have to say it did severe damage to me and my idea of self worth. i was walked on in horrendous ways. i was not treated like a human or a person with feelings. i was manipulated. i was sexually coerced to do things that no one should ask someone else to do. it has taken me the better part of a decade to recognize the damage this did to me, and it took a strong network of friends (and a particularly supportive and protective femme friend) to help me realize that i deserved to be treated like a person.

i am really tired of seeing butches and femmes alike endorse the idea this is uwucute. its not. its extremely damaging. butches, please find your self worth. recognize that you have needs too. femmes, respect that butches are people. saying mentally unstable femmes use service-oriented butches is downright wrong and disrespectful. i dont care if its a joke or memepost. im exhausted. i know there is a lot of loneliness in being butch and femme. but we don't need to be glorifying unhealthy relationship dynamics, even as a joke. you can get the dynamic you seek (dominance and control) from healthy individuals that respect your personhood. everyone in the community deserves better.

[ejga-ostja]

Worm Brekker under the cut

[dangeroustaintedflawed]

[arthursfuckinghat]

The fight with Tommy during Americans At Rest has always fascinated me. Seeing the way that Bill and Javier are just happy to watch tells us plenty about the kinds of fights that Arthur had likely gotten into over the years, but it's Charles' reactions that interests me.

He looks.. disappointed. Or at least unimpressed, maybe even shaken.

Charles' reactions are the more telling ones in the scene. Unlike Bill and Javier, who are caught up in the spectacle of the fight, Charles is more distant. He doesn't cheer Arthur on or encourage him, he just watches quietly.

It wasn't even Arthur that started the fight, but by god was he finishing it.

Charles didn't say much during the fight, or even after, he never brings it up again. Part of me thinks less that it was because he was horrified by the senseless violence, but more that he was just disappointed in Arthur for the way he handled it.

There's finishing a fight, and then there's what Arthur did to Tommy.

Needless punch after needless punch, beating that man until he was left permanently damaged after each hit. It wasn't about Tommy anymore, it was about Arthur letting the spirit of the fight get the better of him and doing more damage than he needed to amidst the chaos.

Arthur would have gladly killed Tommy, swing after swing until the man wasn't breathing anymore, and he probably would have if it wasn't for Mr Downes.

It's as if it wasn't just about the fight anymore, it was about Arthur’s internal conflict, his rage, and the frustration with his own life that just manifests in moments like these. It's a way of lashing out at something bigger than Tommy, something he doesn't know how to handle. Maybe his past, his regrets, or maybe just the man he’s become.

And Charles probably sees that. He sees Arthur as someone who is capable of more, someone who should know better, and someone who still has room to grow, even in the few months they've known eachother. But in that fight, Arthur isn't showing the restraint or self awareness that Charles values so much. It's almost like Charles is witnessing a man lost in himself, consumed by the very violence he’s been trying to avoid, and that's what brings out his disappointment.

The whole situation is one of the first few painful reminders that Arthur’s journey isn’t just about external struggles, but internal ones too. He’s not just fighting the world around him, but himself too.

In a way, Charles' disappointment could be a reflection of his hopes for Arthur. He sees Arthur as someone who is more than his role in the gang, more than the violence he’s trapped in, and when Arthur falls into that trap again, it’s not just a disappointment in his actions - it’s a reminder of the potential that’s being wasted.

It's a subtle but very significant difference in how Charles sees Arthur compared to the others in the gang, and it hurts.

[lichqueenlibrarian]

Spock looks so sad in The Deadly Years, watching his friends age before his eyes, and Kirk slowly developing dementia. I wonder if that’s the first time he really thought about what it would be like to not only outlive his friends but to watch as Kirk forgets him, or ends their relationship as a result of anger.

[socialbutterfly19]

Be strong and move on

[kaynineacademy]

every. page. that. i. wrote. you. were. on. it.

[introloves]

domesticating toji

[manchesterau]

[saints-who-never-existed]

So we all know that Blanky is cool and badass as fuck. That goes without saying. There's a sense, right from the get-go really, that he pretty much always knows what to do in any given situation.

Blanky knows when humour will lift a mood, and when seriousness is required. He knows when to give grace and kindness, and when to dole out much-needed tough-love.

I think it always worth repeating, though, that none of that would be possible without an extremely high degree of empathy and emotional intelligence. To me, that's Blanky's real greatest strength. It's the root of what makes him so cool and badass as fuck so I want to ramble more about some examples of it.

-

In Episode Two, for instance, we have his nighttime conversation with Crozier where Blanky matches the captain's energy beat for beat.

He laughs with him first about the erstwhile reindeer and while he remains optimistic throughout the rest of the scene, he's also honest, both acknowledging Crozier's various fears and drilling down to the root of them immediately - "Aye. You trusted Ross and you trusted Parry."

When Crozier remarks on his perceptiveness, Blanky's incredibly tactful and kind too - a casual "No, it's just that I know you." when in reality Crozier's been doing a horseshit job of concealing his thoughts and they're visible from fuckin' space.

-

In the following episode, I think the response Blanky gives to Little's fearful teatime diatribe is great.

In contrast to Crozier's vague and even condescending reply which only seems to rile him up further, Blanky shuts Little down clearly and firmly but without being unkind. I think a simple, factual response was the right tactic for the lawful-good sort of guy Little is.

I think his accurate judgement of Little's character is further confirmed later in the episode vis a vis the clandestine rescue party. He's right when he says "Lieutenant Little will never agree to it."

-

Another example that's very special to me personally is in Episode Five and it's not Blanky delivering his warning after Crozier punches Fitzjames, or even when he lightens the mood with jokes and toasts before having his own fuckin' leg sawn off (although I could talk about those forever).

It's actually a wee almost throwaway line Blanky utters to McDonald right before he heads up on deck:

"He's ill with it now..."

Crozier's behaved abhorrently to everyone around him up until that point. He's been vicious and manipulative, cruel and thoughtless. Threatening to throw Silna out into the elements and actually following through with Blanky, ordering him out into weather he knows full well is so cold that it literally just killed a man.

It would be so easy for Blanky to decide that that was final straw, that he was done with Crozier's bullshit. But no! Even then, even then, Blanky seems to be able to take a step back to some degree. To recognise Crozier's alcoholism for what it is - a debilitating illness and not some great moral failing.

It used to confuse me to some degree why Blanky would greet Crozier so warmly at Carnivale (other than the fact that the absolute mad-lad is drunk off his ass). Like, that's the man who made the decision that lead to you nearly dying and losing a limb - how can you just hug him as if none of that happened? But the more I thought about that earlier line, the more clearly it spoke of the incredible depth of understanding and feeling Blanky has for Crozier and the more beautiful that relationship became. He can forgive him so quickly because he can see so clearly the true person under the difficult surface.

-

We talk so much about Blanky remaining outside of the horror story the rest of the characters come to inhabit, refusing to dignify it with his presence. And, again, I just think an important part of the reason he's able to do so is that he sees the world around him and the people within in it for exactly what it is and for exactly who they are. It's just a lot harder to jump-scare a man who sees the mask you're wearing from a mile away, and understands precisely why you've donned it.

[lotus-pear]

i think you guys are onto smth..

i unironically got invested in this HELP