#today feels weird and not fun
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#today feels weird and not fun#and I just feel blegh#think I’m gonna go nap and maybe that’ll help m#maybe also get out of the house today#mine#text post
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The heart killers text post part 7 ft. Ep 7
Devine bouts of madness took over me making these
Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10
#the heart killers#thk#fadelstyle#kantbison#thk style#thk fadel#thk bison#thk kant#ro makes thk hahas#I have a fucking essay for uni to write but I needed to make these or I would die#yes there is 22 text posts in this one#I feel like I need to run out of steam at some point right? right?! not today tho#anyway fun fact Kant smiles showing his teeth way more than Bison does in this ep which was real fucking frustrating for me making memes#also I had the fucking secret santa text post in my fadelstyle folder before the ep fucking aired so slight weird type of vindication for m#as many have said Style so clearly is the only romcom character in this god forsaken romcom I love him
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right now i'm very torn between "taking critique is important as an artist and it's not an attack on me personally" and "people commenting about my same face syndrome under my posts upsets me an unreasonable amount and i wish they would stop doing it"
#ramble#sorry i am not having a good art day today#i'm TRYING i promise#this is 100% a me problem and i hate it#i think it's because when i have a Problem with my art. i need to fix it INSTANTLY#and that's not how art improvement works#idk why it gets to me so much i can't explain it#even if it's polite and means well it makes me feel weird and i don't know why#maybe because i thought i was way better about it than i used to be but right now i'm getting it way more#yes i know posting art means you have to take people's opinions#but how do i say 'please do not leave lengthy critique under my art that i make for fun when i didn't ask for it' w/o sounding like an ass#i just feel like. i would never go to a fic and point out all the writing mistakes in the comments if the author didn't ask for it. idk#i'm fighting really hard not to yell 'IT'S MY ART STYLE' bc that's not an excuse obvs
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Hello Newsies fandom, for your casual viewing pleasure (and because apparently some people think headcanoning the Jacobs family as Jewish is antisemitic), here is the exact passage from the official Newsies novel that states Davey is Jewish and Jack is Irish :D
It's not a headcanon, it's literally written in the source material and, even if it wasn't, this fandom has been headcanoning characters' ethnicities based on their names since 1992. They're street kids living in New York City in 1899, they're going to be a diverse group and the best thing we have to go on is their names. I know my group of mutuals headcanon at least two other characters as Jewish, somewhat if not entirely based on their names.
Like, I don't know how else to explain that headcanoning a character with a traditionally Jewish name isn't "stereotyping" it's literally just being like "oh hey, this whole family has really common Jewish names, it would be fun if they're Jewish" and then we all move on with our lives because it's also literally canon. Like, it would be bad if we were headcanoning a character as Jewish purely because they exhibit behaviors that are also associated with negative Jewish stereotypes but that's literally not what's happening here. Also I'm pretty sure it's mentioned in the non-dialogue parts of the script somewhere but I don't have access to that.
In conclusion, don't be weird about people headcanoning characters as minorities, it's not stereotyping it's literally just people existing.
(Also, I am not Jewish, so I do not at all claim to be any kind of authority on representation. If any Jewish bloggers want to weigh in I will happily read and be open to learning!)
#not to vague post on main but i'm feeling confrontational today#my old post about character details confirmed in the newsies novel was going around again and i got excited until i found out why#the jacobs family is canonically jewish and even if they weren't it's not a weird thing to headcanon#if you're going to police people's headcanons at least go after the ones that are actually harmful to disenfranchised communities#tell me if you want to hear my jewish mush headcanons because i have a lot of thougths about him that i don't think i've ever posted#also if anyone wants my pdf of the newsies novel just dm me it's such a fun read#david jacobs#newsies#92sies#livesies#newsies novel
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More YTTD doodles
#your turn to die#sara chidouin#maple yttd#gin ibushi#I love using the bright pink but I think I might try out that orange color for sara's hair in the future#idk how I feel about that gin color palette. it's a weird grayish brown and it looks bad paired with a lot of the other colors I have#I need more practice drawing maple. & drawing anatomy in general. but it's fun stepping out of my comfort zones#ok art spam over for today
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i love when the lsers hang out like friends and when ppl talk to zam like a human being ^-^
#mine.txt#its been so long since anyone other than mapicc didnt talk to him weird or was trying to get something out of him#okay thats a huge overexaggeration but it does feel that way sometimes#didnt liveblog today cause i was using my phone and didnt want to do all that lol#but yeah stream today was fun i hope they leak more lmao
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Bringer of Demise - Chapter 2
[FIRST PART] [AO3]
I'll be honest, I wasn't that confident with the first chapter (probably because it's been a while since I sat down to write something) but I like this one much more. The angst is definitely helping lol
Here's chapter 2: Like a House Fire
“Simon-” Soap jumps as the door slams behind him. Ghost grunts, walking further into his room to sit at the desk, reports now laying forgotten. Not that they need them anymore, with Novikov’s arrival.
Soap takes a sit in front of him, the bed creaking when he leans forward to look in Ghost’s dark eyes. “Talk to me, mo chridhe.”
Ghost slides the mask off his face, and throws it on the desk with so much force some papers fly and land behind it. Soap waits as he stares at the wall for a minute or two, lost in whatever dreadful memory the Doctor brought forward.
“Novikov was the one that tested me. When they brought me back from Mexico.” he starts, voice carefully monotone. “Went through regular shit at first. How long I can use Limbo before I have to stop. What happens if someone shoots at it from the outside. See if sound travels, if comms work.”
Soap holds his tongue, ignores the questions that float to his mind about the process. It’s more important for him to listen to Simon.
“Didn’t really have a problem with those. Expected them, really.” Simon shakes his head, bitterness bleeding into his voice, “it started going wrong when Shepherd came into the picture.”
At the mention of that name, Soap’s jaw clenches. General fucking Shepherd, the man behind Graves’ leash. Ran like a coward after his dog died, still off grid even after Laswell got the go-ahead from CIA to start a search for him. Soap remembers the few meetings he was in, how Shepherd would address Ghost. Spoke to him as if Limbo wasn’t tearing itself apart because of his orders.
Ghost never told him much about the bawbag, Soap never asking. Felt wrong, with how little he willingly gives Ghost about his own past.
“What did he do?” he asks, a little hesitant to hear the answer.
“Novikov wasn’t pushing me hard enough, according to him. Because he was afraid of what my powers would do to me or to others, or for a different reason, I didn’t bother finding out. Don’t know if the Doc tried to resist. It doesn’t matter.” Simon lets out a mirthless laugh, “you know the rest.”
Soap nods. “Ye think… he will do it again? Push ye to…”
“I’m not worried about me, Johnny.” He leans closer to Soap, and it dawns on him that Simon’s not as angry as he is terrified, “there’s nothing new Novikov can tell me to use Limbo on that would break it like last time. But you… they never found your limits, have they?”
“... You know they didn’t need to.”
“I don’t think that ever satisfied Novikov, or the higher-ups.” Soap frowns, Simon’s voice lowering to an almost whisper, “I think they were just as tied up in red tape as you.”
He doesn’t respond to that. He doesn’t think he needs to, they both know Simon is right.
Soap’s memories of that time period are… muddy at best. And it wasn’t because of the shot he received to the head, the day he died.
In the weeks following it, Soap felt like everyone that knew what happened there was walking on eggshells around him. Not many knew, they tried to sweep it under the rug immediately to avoid an international incident, but those that did…
When Soap refused to use his powers on field, his Captain was irritated. Said he’d go to the higher-ups, get him written for insubordination.
The very next day, the Captain took him to the side and asked him to tell him. Fuck the higher-ups when it comes to his own personal curiosity, eh?
Soap refused, obviously. The Captain let it go, eventually, but Soap always wondered if he was trying to send him into impossible situations to see just how much destruction he can survive.
“I’m not going to let him do anything to you, love.” Simon’s voice makes him refocus on the present, “Novikov tells you to jump, you ask me how high.”
Soap scoffs fondly, the anger that has bubbled up in his chest subsiding, “they’re gonna write ye up, LT.”
“Don’t care. They won’t boot me out anyway.” he answers smugly, scarred lips quirking up in a way that makes Soap want to explode the rest of the world, if only to keep him safe.
He returns the smile, “sound awfully certain of yerself. Should I ask Price if the power went to yer head?”
Simon huffs, “just the facts, Johnny. Not only I’m legally dead, they wouldn’t want someone like me strolling around civvies in case I go off and send a couple hundred to Limbo.”
“Sometimes I forget just how much off yer heid you are, Simon Riley.”
“Takes one to know one, and all that.” Simon moves to get up, when something pulls at his leg.
A few dark hands started petting at their boots, so gently they didn’t notice. Soap smiles, leaning down to return the favor with his left hand.
“Look, we made yer friends worried.” the hands wrap around his fingers, chasing the little white flames.
Simon shakes his boot, loosening the residents of the void’s hands, “you know that’s not how that works.”
“Well, they react to our emotions, you never know!” he turns back to the hands, “don’t listen to him, he’s just grouchy ‘cause I’m not holdin’ his hand.”
He’s happy to continue playing with Simon’s “friends” until a shrill sound cuts through the air. Soap watches Simon grab his phone from his pocket.
“It’s Rudy.” he taps his phone and sits down next to Soap, “Rodolfo?”
“Fantasma. Is Soap with you?” Rudy greets, voice hurried.
Soap takes Simon’s wrist and brings the phone closer, “aye, what’s wrong?”
“All of our revenants were woken up by our Reapers, I… I assume it happened to yours as well.”
Christ, must be later than midnight in Mexico right now. Getting dragged into your Reaper’s realm in the middle of sleeping… can’t be fun.
“Affirm.” Ghost says, “I assume yours asked about Fate and Lumity?”
“Yes.” there’s someone talking in the background, and Soap realizes it’s Alejandro, giving out orders, “some of our revenants chose Fate. We’re in the process of reprimanding them, but… It’s more important that I tell you what we gathered.”
Simon and Soap share a look. Anything would be helpful at this point.
Rudy continues, “the ones that chose Fate didn’t give us much. Apparently their Reaper just left, only saying they chose right. It is mine that explained the most.”
“You did say your Reaper was chatty…” Simon mutters.
“It is.” Rudy sighs, “my Reaper didn’t get mad when I chose you. It said it was expecting it.”
Rudy’s Reaper… Reaper of Matter… is on Lumity’s side?
“The Reapers are… in a state of disorder.” he pauses, mulling over the words. “... My Reaper said this hasn’t happened since before the age of revenants.”
“Did it say what’s Fate’s goal in all this?” Simon asks.
“No. I don’t think it knows.” Rudy begins talking in Spanish to someone on the other side, far too fast for Soap to understand. “-Jabón y Fantasma?”
They can hear some rustling before Alejandro’s voice comes through, “Hermanos! You landed us in a real shitshow this time around, eh?”
Soap smiles sheepishly, “good teh hear ye, Ale. Sorry about the mess.”
“All good. Well- for now.” Alejandro hums, “I have a feeling that is due to change at any point.”
“Ye said it…”
Rudy turns the phone back to him, as he says, “whatever it is, you can call us. We’ll continue to update you.”
“Appreciated, hermano,” Ghost answers, “same goes for us.”
“Don’t be strangers. We’ll talk later.” Ghost and Soap say their goodbyes as Rudy hangs up.
So the Reapers themselves don’t quite know what Fate is planning… he didn’t think it was possible, but Soap is even more unsettled. Reapers are volatile as it is, though before they could’ve trusted them to not meddle in their “boring human affairs”.
A Reaper even Reapers can’t foresee… how can they prepare against something like that?
Soap eventually returned to his own barrack, long after daylight faded. Sleep evaded him for most of the night, burning moths fluttering around his cot as he tosses and turns, flames occasionally charring his blanket.
When morning finally comes, he finds himself in the revenant training grounds along with Ghost. Anxiousness drips down his spine as they wait for the Doctor and his assistants.
Ghost knocks their boots together, and Soap calms. He’s not going through this alone, unlike any other revenant.
He begins to hope Novikov has simply forgotten about them when the man is late. Unfortunately, he doesn’t. Almost 20 minutes after the tests were supposed to start, the man comes hurrying down the training grounds, the papers in his hands miraculously not flying away in the gentle breeze.
“Sergeant! Lieutenant! I apologize for the delay.” Novikov calls when he gets close enough, somewhat out of breath, “yesterday’s incident had us sifting through reports all night, as you can imagine.”
The Doctor pauses to take another deep breath, and flips through the folder he brought, “as I’m sure you understand, this will not be a standard revenant test. I will not be redoing your basic tests, Lieutenant. As for you, Sergeant…”
Novikov turns his bespectacled grey eyes to him, and gives him a small smile, “I understand that I will not be able to test your limits here, but the records of the Verdansk incident are enough.”
Soap’s back straightens, and he can’t help but growl, “ye know about it?!”
He can count on two hands the amount of living people that know the whole truth behind his Reaping, and about half of them are in the 141.
“Laswell has allowed me access to the files. I’ve known about the incident beforehand, of course, theorized Konchar had-”
“Don’t ye dare say that fuckin’ name.” he snarls, flames flickering within his clenched fists. It doesn’t stop the stream of blurry memories, of melting skin beneath his fingertips-
Soap forcibly exhales, coercing his flames to die down.
Novikov doesn’t seem offended by the interruption. On the contrary, he looks… intrigued.
“I’d like to test the difference between your hands, to start. I have only been made aware of the changes in flame color, and the markings, of course.”
Soap glances at Ghost, who gives him a nod.
“What do ye need me to do, Doctor?”
“This is most intriguing… the flesh of your left hand is cooler than your right, but the flames are considerably warmer…”
Soap feels the ground between his fingers crumble to ash. So far, The tests are quite… boring, if he’s honest.
He’s had his own morbid fascination with his own powers, for a while. Wondering how it compares to other explosive compounds, trying to run the numbers to find the closest approximate. He thought, if he could find an equation, he could control his powers better.
Soap gave up on it soon after. Didn’t have enough data to work with, and generating more meant using his powers, and well…
Novikov lifts his pen, “very good, Sergeant.” steamin’ Jesus, he’s not 5, is he gonna give him a sticker next? “Now, Lieutenant, remove any clothing on your right arm, if you will.”
Ghost, who up until now stood motionless in his best imitation of a statue, stares at Novikov for a long moment, before slowly removing his glove and tucking it into his belt. He steps closer to Soap, rolling his sleeve to reveal pale, scarred skin.
“Now, with your left arm of course, I want you to attempt to explode the Lieutenant’s arm.”
Soap notices the assistant with the heat-sensitive camera aim it at Ghost, “it’s not gonna do anything to him, Doc.”
“Then there shouldn’t be any problem demonstrating it.” Novikov doesn’t look up from his papers. Bawbag.
Ghost offers him his arm silently. Soap knows it won’t do anything to him, they bear marks to prove it.
Soap takes the arm. White flames wrap harmlessly around it. He focuses his powers to his left hand, the air around them distorting.
It feels fundamentally wrong to try and hurt Simon. His breathing picks up, fingers twitching as the flames climb higher and higher.
“-it’s as if they’re trying to reach equilibrium. The flesh cools the flames, the flames heat it in return-”
Ghost doesn’t react, not that Soap can see with his vision tunneling on their joined limbs. The fire burns, searing, scorching, mutilating-
“-You may stop now, Sergeant-”
He can’t hurt him, how could he ever dare hurt him? Why isn’t anyone stopping this?
Like a bystander watching a house fire, Soap is helpless in front of the flames. He can almost smell the bubbling flesh from here, the melting of everything in the face of unending ruin-
“-ohnny. Enough.”
Soap jumps, the world rushing back to his senses. He turns his head shakily, to see Novikov’s gaze boring into him.
“Ah’m not- I can’t-” he mumbles, words barely forming on his lips, “Ghost-”
“You’re alright, Johnny.” Ghost’s smooth voice is steady as ever, but his eyes betray him, “it’s over.”
Novikov affirms, “We got all we needed, Sergeant.”
Ghost lifts his hand towards him, and Soap barely suppresses a flinch as it trails down his bicep. “You’re alright.” he repeats.
Soap nods, feeling like a bampot all at once. Of course Ghost is fine. They already knew this, he told Novikov as much not 10 minutes ago.
Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid. Soap grits his teeth, “what’s next, Doctor?”
Novikov takes a while to answer, and Soap avoids Ghost’s perceptive gaze as they wait, “I have received approval for Limbo, Lieutenant. I’d like to see the changes it went through first-hand.”
“... Understood. We will need to put some distance between us.” Ghost grunts.
The Doctor waves his hand, “naturally. You’re familiar with your limits, I’ll leave it to your judgement.”
Soap feels Ghost urge him to move, and they begin walking.
“Johnny-”
“Aye.” Soap huffs, “sorry, LT.”
“What for?” Ghost hums, “you did nothing wrong.”
He doesn’t answer to that. If Ghost didn’t see his fuck-up, he’d rather not bring it up.
“If you need to stop at any point-”
Maybe he’s easier to read than he thought, “Ah’m solid, Simon.”
“You froze there. Don’t think you can hide it.” or maybe Ghost knows him too well by now.
They come to a stop, facing one another. Soap bites the inside of his cheek, “I’m- I’ll be fine as long as Ah don’t have to repeat that.”
“You won’t.” Ghost assures him, “ready for Limbo?”
If there’s a place to find peace of mind, it’s the void, “aye. Been a while since we paid our friends a visit, hm?”
Ghost chuckles, “only you’d call them that.” He raises his voice, shouting to Novikov, “Limbo out in five!”
The Doctor gives them a thumbs-up, so Ghost closes his eyes.
Entering Limbo never got less jarring. Soap gets used to it faster if he expects it, but the shift from the colorful, lively world to the still void is an odd one.
Still, once he gets accustomed to it, he can’t help but smile. As weird as it is to say, he missed this place.
Limbo’s victims are docile, chasing after bright moths with no sense of urgency. Like shooting stars, they paint the dark skies of Limbo with radiant yellows and oranges.
This might be the only good thing Soap’s powers have ever done.
He catches Ghost staring at him, his eyes a glowing white, “what?” he asks with a small grin.
“Better?”
“Aye.”
“Sergeant!” Novikov shouts, though it sounds muffled as it enters Limbo from the other side, “try to explode something!”
Soap frowns, “is he talkin’ about yer friends?”
Ghost mutters, clearly unhappy with the disturbance, “don’t know.”
“What do you want ‘im to test it on?!” Ghost shouts back.
“Any material will do! I assume you’re standing on something, correct?”
Soap looks down, at the solid black ground. “What is this made of, anyway?”
The way Ghost hums back tells him ‘fuck if I know’. He crouches down, placing both hands on it. The texture is almost like a glass pane, except his fingers can’t get a grip on it no matter how much he tries.
Before he can hesitate, Soap flexes his fingers.
Nothing happens.
“Huh.” he tilts his head, “suppose it makes sense.”
“How so?” Ghost kneels beside him, sliding a finger over the undamaged surface.
“My powers have to come into contact with a material to explode.” Soap shrugs, getting back on his feet, “void’s made of nothing, no?”
“Hm.” Ghost casts another look around Limbo, and blinks.
Soap catches himself before his knees buckle from the rush of color and noise back into the world. Ghost hooks an arm under his shoulder as a precaution, but he assures him he’s stable.
“Absolutely outstanding! This is the first time you couldn’t explode something, is that correct, Sergeant?” Novikov half-jogs to them.
“Uh… Aye?”
The Doctor’s eyes gleam with wonder, “Incredible! If only there were more Revenants of Destruction in this base, I would be able to test if this is a result of a relation between your Reapers, or a consequence of your powers mixing… Alas, this is not the purpose of my visit.”
Novikov’s assistants are absorbed with the testing equipment they brought, some looking like set pieces of a low budget sci-fi movie to Soap. He’d love to nick one to take apart, but the shite’s probably so delicate even his fingertips would burn and destroy them.
“Now, for the next test, I’d like you to-” a shrill noise cuts Novikov off, and Ghost pulls out his phone.
Soap pouts when Ghost answers. Why does no one ever call him?
“Affirm. We’ll be there in fifteen.” Ghost ends the call, “we need to go to a meeting with Laswell.”
Novikov’s eyes dim, “ah, I see… I suppose we can continue this afterwards.”
“You’re invited too, Doctor.” Ghost grunts, making both Soap and Novikov swing around in surprise.
When Laswell finally shows up on screen, she seems different from what Soap remembered.
Dark eye bags, pale, hair more grey in some places. He almost didn’t recognize her, and looking around the room tells him the rest of the team thinks the same.
The rest, except Price, “how are you, Kate?”
Laswell sighs, more hair falling off her tight bun. “Let’s get to work, John.”
As she brings up several images on screen, Price reports in their mind, “someone attacked Laswell and her wife in their home two months ago. She got off with minor injuries, but her wife… her concussion was severe enough that she barely talks most days.”
“Did they catch the fucker that did it?” Soap thinks back. If they didn’t, he’d gladly volunteer to put the bastard six feet under. He owes Laswell that much.
Price stops him from continuing to plan a revenge, “Kate killed him, son. She’s trained for field work, an everyday burglar doesn’t stand a chance against her. Now focus up.”
Soap huffs, “yes sir.”
“-we found signs of Shepherd’s work around Urzikstan. Supposedly, he’s working with one of the resistance groups there.” blurry satellite images pop up on screen, convoys and remote buildings hidden between green hills.
Gaz frowns, “either he suddenly grew a moral compass, or there’s a catch.”
Laswell nods, “it’s possible it’s a false lead, but with recent clashes between Urzik forces and the Russians, I’d like you to personally investigate it.”
“We’ll get it done, Laswell.” Price says, his authoritative voice on full blast.
“No one I trust more than you.” Laswell smiles, in a way Soap has never seen. “Now, obviously as you all are grounded, I wouldn’t just send you on what could potentially lead to nothing…”
She begins talking to Novikov, “we’re working on tracking the missing revenants Graves and Shepherd trafficked.”
The Doctor nods, adjusting the frankly huge glasses on his nose bridge, “many of them belong to rarer kinds of Reapers. If they were to fall into the wrong hands…”
“We can’t allow that to happen.” Ghost finishes sternly.
“Commander Karim has been working to find them, but there’s so much she can do while also fending off Russians.” the screen switches to a compilation of names and passport photos, each listing both a date of birth and Reaping. “This is your official reason to be sent to Urzikstan, boys. Whatever intel Graves has left behind him regarding the revenants’ location, we need it.”
“When are we up?” Price asks.
“1600.”
Gaz whistles, “brass’ knickers are all twisted up, huh.”
“Miss Laswell, if I may.” Novikov pipes up, “I have yet to finish the renewed revenant test of Sergeant MacTavish and Lieutenant Ghost. I will not be able to give you an accurate recommendation before that.”
The fuck’s he talking about?
“I understand, Doctor, but it’s out of my control.” Laswell exhales, “this is why I invited you to this meeting. Based on what you do know, what is your verdict?”
The entire room swivels to stare at the Doctor. Novikov scrambles to flip through the papers in his hands, before speaking with an air of defeat.
“Considering my current understanding of Lumity, and the state of Sergeant MacTavish and Lieutenant Ghost… I recommend that until further testing, they should be separated as much as possible on field, if their powers are to be used.”
… What?
#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod mw2#cod ghost#cod soap#cod gaz#cod price#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#kyle gaz garrick#john price#kate laswell#stanislav novikov#revenant au#call of duty fic#call of duty fanfic#call of duty modern warfare#cod fic#cod fanfic#ghostsoap#soapghost#ghoap#soap love you got so much repressed trauma its unreal <3#you dont know how fun it is to finally write his perspective on what happened in part 1 and before#part 1 didnt really dive into what happened to soap bc it was a mystery most of the fic... but now... >:)#first chapter felt a little slow for me but this pace feels better#part 1's pace was really fast and i have slowed down since but i still like to be quick#which is weird when i think about it bc i can ramble for hours on the lore of this#anyway the last part wouldve been expected if you read novikov's side story but ohh boy how will the boys react to that...#also found out about novikov's self-consistency principle today and its completely unrelated to the fic but its an interesting take on time#-paradoxes and the fact i had to separate this sentence into two tags tells me i need to shut up lol
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i voted for glenn! can you draw glenn and henry having a moment?
Last Chance!! Vote Glenn here and get a quick sketch!
My first thought jumped to the beach confrontation so I did something along that line
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndads fanart#dndads s1#dndads glenn close#henry oak garcia#henry oak#glennry#these two mean a lot to me#the beach scene means a lot to me too#I wish I could’ve gotten more sexy poll propaganda done yesterday and today but I’ve been fighting a weird fatigue lately#I feel a little better right now but I was on the verge of passing out in public earlier which is. not fun
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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like, ultimately, spn could never actually break the cycle of abuse and familial violence, bc to truly break the cycle would've required its writers to have the radical imaginary to look beyond the status quo. the show just reifies the idea of a paternal authority over the world. god dies but he has to be replaced you see, but it's okay, it's someone better now. family is hell but now family is also heaven.
#american liberal belief that you can make the world a better place if you just vote in someone better#OK that is. enough nonsense from me today#how i would've ended spn: no more god no more demons or angels or heaven or hell or the supernatural. only reality!!!#sam and dean go on a road trip but they go see something fun like that biggest ball of twine again. they get out of the car.#(dean off in the distance laughing. he looks carefree for the first time in a while) (sam is smiling with him)#sam looks back at the impala and you're left with the weird feeling the two of them are just. not gonna get back into it. END SCENE#anyways. more motivation for me to work on my own wips#yeah here's two horrible siblings but how do i write them out of the maze in a way that matters!!#^ comical realisations at returning to old novel drafts post experiencing spn. maybe sam and dean have always lived here#even before i knew them........#j.txt
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idk maybe it's just because i'm nursing a massive headache and i'm exhausted or because the fandom is particularly off-putting to me right now that i'm just feeling weird about it all. while i loved the episode i'm not enjoying the fandom experience of it today. i'll be back to normal at some point but right now i'm not feeling it
#also sorry for not answering the asks i got i feel like i can't form my thoughts into words or it all comes out weird and wrong today#i just keep seeing stuff that annoys me or angers me and i don't like it. i want my experience of the show to be fun
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once again happy 6th birthday to this blog which is exactly 20 years younger than me. i cannot believe its been that long. genuinely so grateful that i found this community (7 years ago! lurked for a year lol), its changed but i still love it and all of you dearly
#i talk#had a nice lunch with my friend today#(a succulent japanese meal)#she got me a wooden yarn bowl its very nice#also got a fun cryptid shirt and some stuff from this cryptid subsciption box (just a one time thing)#feels so weird i started this blog before i went to art school#then i did that and 3 years of studying and got my diploma and then my current job#and i remember talking about being insecure about joining a band and now weve been playing for years and recording songs#that was way before covid too which weird super weird now#and ive discovered so much new media thanks to people here#also got the cyberpunk dlc so im gonna jump back into that
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#So rn my parents are overseas at this gathering with family friends#And one of them got married + had a kid 11 weeks ago#All of this in the span of less than a year btw#And he’s 15 years older than me but rlly fun etc the kind of guy that feels at most 6-7 years older yk#And it feels wildddd cuz he was the rlly like mischievous (?) Kind of guy in our friend group#and it felt a bit weird to know he was expecting a kid since I found out a few months back but today my mum told me her name and everything#And I’m feeling super weird again like I can’t imagine him as a serious responsible dad buckling down yk#But also he can be serious when he needs to be so that coupled with his sense of humour means he’s going to be a great dad in sure#But it’s making me rethink whether or not I want to have kid(s)#maybe it’s just vanity but I feel like pregnancy would rlly wreck my body both looks and health wise#Like that is 9 months of commitment idk if I can handle it 😭😭😭#but sometimes i daydream abt what it would be like to have kids with the guy im 90% sure I’ll be marrying in like 7 years#and it makes me feel soooooo. like I want to do all that with him#and I feel like he would be level headed enough to help me through wtv insecurity or anxiety I’m feeling now#Idk idk#personal
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posting even a tiny little thing in nearly a year is crazy but i’m really proud that i did it :’) i think i want to get used to posting little drabbles like this! it’s writing practice at the end of the day and i have to realize not everything has to be a fic! sometimes little blurbs can be nice to write :’)
#yes it’s only 0.6k words yes i’m proud#and what about it 🤨#i have to thank miss ethel cain… THAT specific song i was playing as i was writing set up a vibe for me#and i love that lyric in the song hehe i just change it from he’s cold-blood to she’s cold-blooded#ALSO IT’S JUST LIKE !!!!!! stream of consciousness is always my beloved <3#maybe google docs isn’t for me also </3 but also i’m sure if i actually post something from there it’ll be easier word count wise NFNFFNNF#but yeah anyways i’m happy i have one (1) tiny little extra thing in my masterlist now <3#i love blood i love suguru nursing reader and i love their weird little relationship <3 they’re freaks to Me#k i’m gonna try writing a little more today and maybe use the prompt lists that i rb’d a while ago for practice :D#also posting at midnight is so fun like i really couldn’t sleep and just Had to get it out <3 top 10 feelings#AND I LOVE THAT GETO GENGA I USED SO MUCH <333#am i patting my back about something very tiny yes i am but it Means a Lot to me#personal
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Recent-ish things ~
#photo diary#1 - love this image of Noodle.. such a weird angle that makes his head look entirely round like a puff ball or something#2 - a more recent (still from months ago) collection of my pressed flowers and 4 leaf clovers I found.#3. Being one of the only people in 2024 still going 'hee heee I've just bought a new wii game!' but.. I have. >:3#It's kind of like Wii Sports Resort but is like.. open world? so your character can actually walk around and stuff. REALLY makes me#wish I had the type of set up where I could record video from my wii and stuff like some gaming youtubers have. I think it'd be a really#fun game to play on video and to DOCUMENT it!!! I keep wishing I could screenshot my little guy walking around but I caaant..#I've literally just been taking out my phyiscal camera and photographing the screen which always looks bad.. augh..#4. Something in the froxen food aisle called 'Wellington Bites' a play on beef wellington. suprisingly good actually. but I guess anything#with like beef and mushrooms usually is. But it seems like.. oddly decent for frozen food stuff.#5 - boye looking Round again.. 6 - updated score in the wii fit minigame again. This time less than 4 seconds#for each round? which may be a record for me? 7 & 8 - fat bird in the snow. fatt bird in the SNOW!! Hoping that climate change and H5N1#don't eventually remove all trace of birds and winter weather from my life in the future... -_-#9 - ..ough... a few paltry writings.. Except for the one day of 4000 words. But for the most part I have been making soo litte progress#because of the holidays and drs appointments and such a rush of all these other mind distracting things.. Or if I'm not doing something the#I'm feeling tired from having PREVIOUSLY done something so I waste the whole day being sleepy and headachey... GRR...#the funny thing is that like many many years ago I wrote a note on my wall saying 'FOCUS! write 2hr a day or more or youre going to finish#your game in 2025!!!' - which back in 2018 when I wrote it was like unimaginably far into the future but now... ahem.. hem... I guess that#is quite literally the case LOL. To my credit I did parctically abandon it entirely since late 2019 and JUST now picked up really#trying to focus on it in mid 2024 but still... My '''ridiculous'' projection being actually likely the correct one..#10 - I just thoughtit would be silly to put a bunch of keychain things on the wii remote. imagine playing this way. getting constantly#jabbed in the hand by plastic bits. and the jingling clinking noise it would be always making lol#11 - sky.. huzzah for the sky as always. Clouds my beloved#Gr.. I just really want to wriiite. My new years hopes are to finish my game and to get stuff set up to start selling sculptures again.#AND then maybe do more game videos lol... I miss playing games. I dont think I've posted on that youtube for like 5 months#I've just had so much appointments and Things and Stuff and focusing so much on other projects. But that is the thing that really#feels relaxing and fun for me. so like.. 1. finish game 2. sell sculpture/make sculpture 3. play games 4. find more friends#and social connection and networking or whatever the hell people have to do to be successful 5. do more costume/outfits.#<( saying this all on a day where I did none of those things LOL... I got erm.. maybe 400 words done today.. >:'3c )#6 is MOVE away from the evil west coast (hot.. fires in summer. etc) but like. not happening unless I suddenly become a millionaire so. -_-
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#feeling controversial today i guess#but like#i am at the point where i actively do not get the hype around tommy#like he’s just some guy#most of what people seem to like AND hate about him seems to be just based on headcanons not anything he's actually done in canon#he's had exactly zero development outside of moving buck's character forward since showing up again#like sure maybe there's potential but it hasn't actually been used at this point he's just kind of there#i do not understand having particularly strong opinions on him in eithet direction#like fanon opinions sure he's fun in fic#but like. the way people seem to be mapping their fanon versions of him onto canon to fit either a blind adoration or a blind hatred for hi#is super weird to me#like he’s just som guy y'all why is half the fandom falling out over this dude while the other half has gone underground??#he's just not that interesting#i will never understand how hard this fandom goes for side characters#who have had next to no development of their own#i didn't get it with lucy#i don't get it with tommy#like to each their own#but damn the power y'all give these random characters who frankly just aren't that interesting in their current states is#a lot#like enjoy have fun no judgment there#but can we maybe stop actively attacking each other over this guy he's just some dude come on y'all#*either *him *some#i really need to proofread my tags#*also i think i mean more controversy rather than hype in that third tag. it's not really that i don't understand why people like him#but more that i don't understand how he inspires such extreme opinions#anti tommy kinard#just in case#this isn't meant to be anti really i'm just like. very neutral about him#911 discourse
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