#thoughts after a melatonin
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Melatonin thoughts pt. 2 or 3!!!
I can't tell if I wanna look at Newt or Mike Schmidt fanfiction, because if I'm being totally honest? My friend is OBSESSED With maze runner rn just like how she was with Josh Hutcherson! And she somehow is dragging me into the hole????
#thoughts after a melatonin#melatonin thoughts#melatonin#actually autistic#audhd#actually adhd#mike schmidt#newt maze runner#tmr thomas#tmr newt#fanfic#the tism is strong with this one
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also an update on the ADHD situation: nz only gets access to four meds, two of which are the same thing with different release times, and one nonstimulant. I've tried two! one of them made me irrationally angry and the other made me incredibly forgetful and also reacted poorly with my melatonin which has now actually caused me injuries. i'm gonna go on the fast release of my current one and if that fails, the nonstimulant. and if THAT fails, a secret fifth medication will be unlocked (nz's getting a couple more meds approved for use next year)
#stingyass fucking country lol. i just want to finish thos outstanding commissions its like five years at this point#the one i'm trying next is ritalin. which has a small chance of possibly exploding me but like.. whatever. yknow#im stopping the melatonin btw. it caused pretty bad hypnopompic hallucinations and i'd react to them and fell out of bed twice#thought i broke my finger. it's very badly sprained and still hasn't healed after three weeks :/
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#delete later#another journal entry 📝 for the void#i have not been sleeping well for the past 2 wks 😵💫 i always wake up like clockwork after 5-6 hrs which feels like not nearly enough#i feel like i've done everything there is to do (consistent exercise + consistent sleep times + earplugs + weighted blanket + no caffeine)#last night i took melatonin too but no... same problem staying asleep 😭#ahh whatever. i'm just frustrated that it has to be this way :(#anyways in an act of spite i reread like the 4 wips that have been sitting in my drafts from the past few weeks#i think something that will never cease to surprise me about writing is that more effort/time doesn't necessarily translate to better#results; i suppose that's the case with all kinds of art but#it does feel somewhat unintuitive. one of my fav professors in uni said to not dismiss those 'lightning in a bottle' moments (in art) as#blind luck... but to instead analyze the circumstances and iterate on recreating them. and i think one of my artist friends who i deeply#respect said something similar (wrt artistic rituals/setup). i have too many thoughts on writing and on my own creative processes and#weaknesses to fit into any number of tags here. :') that said...#*shakes ch2 draft* after everything i did and all the hours i spent WHY are you still so bad?!!! D: i am baffled and frustrated.#and why do i prefer this other [redacted] draft which i hammered out with utterly no regard towards the quality??#anyways. back to the drawing board i guess T.T
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something about that whole incident must have changed something in my brain chemistry cause my insomnia’s gotten bad again
the past few days i’ve getting to sleep at two or three. kinda sucks i guess, but i don’t really want to resort to taking melatonin again
#i took melatonin every night for a year straight and now i get frequent headaches and nightmares every time i sleep#is that the melatonin or is that the year that most of my trauma comes from/when it got worse#hard to say. maybe both. i don’t remember!#and y’know it sucks not being able to go to sleep#because i can’t even read after a certain point#it gets too watery and everywhere and it’s difficult to figure out the words and letters#mmm i did say you wouldn’t be hearing from me until tomorrow#but it’s past midnight here so that’s fine it’s fine#i don’t like tumblr anymore. i don’t like being here anymore#i get scared whenever i get activity now. i get uncomfortable just having the tab open#how pathetic is that?#really pathetic. really fucking pathetic#probably because i know they’re still looking at me and i hate being watched#y’know i have thoughts like ford but the only demon here is my faulty synapses#it feels pathetic. i feel pathetic. i don’t have a reason like he does#and even then people say he doesn’t have enough of a reason#i’m so fucking pathetic
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OH LORD THE LAST POST MADE ME REMEMBER
THAT T*IL*R SW*FT PUBLICLY ANNOUNCING SHE MARRIED A WOMAN WAS A DREAM I HAD AND NOT IN FACT SOMETHING THAT REALLY HAPPEND
#i don't like her#really really don't like her#so she occupies like 0.001% of my thoughts#maybe less#in my dream i was at a music festival and she was performing but then stopped in the middle of a song to bring out a woman to the stage#i don't remember the details but she did a whole speech i didn't care about and announced her as her wife#all i thought was “huh i guess those insane online fans were right after all”#and that thought carried over to after i woke up#until i got reminded of reality#insane that for a few days somewhere in the back of my mind this existed as something that happened#melatonin dreams are fun
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my friends b like ‘oh you’re so lucky you actually have a good sleep schedule’
when sleep is my only escape from this shithole
#when you get 8 hours of sleep every night but still feel fucking wiped every day you know you’re fucked#still spend hours staring up at the ceiling even after taking triple the amount of melatonin i’m supposed too#aspd thoughts#cluster b#aspd#actually cluster b#cluster b safe#aspd safe#actually antisocial#actually aspd#hpd safe#npd safe#i am insane#bpd vent#personal vent#depressing shit#actually mentally ill#actually bpd#take me out of here
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I tried to see a new psychiatrist but was refused because I use Delta 8 weed (which is sold legally in the smoke shop near me) and said she thinks that the way it's advertised might be "dangerous for society" even though I emphasized that it's to manage my chronic pain that keeps me up at night. Like yeah I know some studies say weed can make certain issues like depression and anxiety worse, but that's not my experience, and she did not try to understand the nuance of it at all. It's just very frustrating. Sorry you don't "feel comfortable" adding me to your practice because of how I manage my chronic pain, but trying to use melatonin or sleep medication instead is not going to help my problems.
#oirghgh its so frustrating.#like yes i know it can make depression and anxiety worse but it has done the opposite for me#when my joints hurt so bad that its impossible to fall asleep or be comfortable thats not something melatonin will fix ive tried#its like after i brought it up she just totally forgot that i am legitimately diagnosed with adhd and thought#“this guy clearly just wants Adderall because he is a drug doer”#this too is the fault of Ronald Reagan#ranting#weed tw
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Bro I got like one hour of sleep. Because of Alfonse Fire Emblem .
#literally nothing of value to say not a single coherent thought.#but i was. thinking about him. so much the sun rose and it was 7am and i dozed off and slept through my alarm. for 1hr.#i have.. to leave tge hourse today... the world is unbearably cruel.#there is not enoyfh melatonin in the world to stop The Thoughts. about The Guy#i gotta play book 3 again. i don't remember a god damn thing about book 3.#for as much as i bully lif i literally don't remember anything. that happened after gustav died#i miss .. alfonse fire emblem....#i need to chew on him.
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its rly weied to think that super conservative mormon chaser dudes have been into me since way before i came out. it was a running joke in my jr high/hs friend group that i was a trap. one guy routinely used me as "wrestling practice" while i knew absolutely nothing about it, n it was basically him just tossing me around like a ragdoll, another would take me and only me to movies, but wouldnt socialize with me around his friends outside of school, and also once said that i had "the breeding hips of a woman", and another one locked me in a band locker (i asked him to it looked cozy. ive always been like this what can i say) n threatened to not let me out if i didnt promise to sit next to him on the bus to a band trip we were going to... one of these guys joined one of those nazi militatias, another one is married with a kid, and i have no idea what happened to the third. growing up in the heart of mormon land rly was a trip. i was so scared of being outed at the time too, so i rly didnt play into any of it. weird that they just decided that was a thing tho
#im sry this is a super random ramble#n if ur wondering why i was friends with lovers like that.. its literally how everyone my age in my hometown thought at the time#apparently its gotten better but i was very much a black sheep but charismatic enough to make ppl like me#okay the melatonin is hitting hard n thats prob why im rambling like this sry again#but yea thats why i dont entertain chasers at all#it gets so old after like 2yrs#k gn gn gn <3
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i love christmas in theory but its scary to me how little i remenber to do things
#im blaming it partially on work bc im so fucking tired when i get home but holy shit#ive had to write myslef multiple to do lists all over my apartment and i STILL dont remember to do things until last minute#what is happening to meeeee#i havent been sleeping well either like. consistently. for the last week and a half at LEAST#and im afraid to take melatonin bc it makes me sleep through my alarm sometimes and i cant risk thattttt#on my nightmare arc . in my memory loss era. its concerning but also. shrug emoji !#ill be in the car like . i have to do x and x and x after work and then i get home and i KNOW i had those thoughts#but i cannot for the LIFE of me remember what they were. and then its 10pm and i need to go to bed because i wake up at 5am#and i dont actually fall asleep until 1am because of the mental illness so ive been running on 4 hrs of sleep for the last two weeks#im in pain theres so kuch stuff that needs done and i cant remember any of it
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Melatonin thoughts part 1 Ig!
New thread or smth I'ma start for thoughts after I js had a melatonin
Day 1 :
My favourite songs rn that make me ascend:
It's Only Sex - Car Seat Headrest
O Superman - Laurie Anderson
K - Cigarettes After Sex
Apocalypse - Cigarettes After Sex
Peace Sign - NateWantsToBattle
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Me thinking about a tag for Estinien: IF THAT JUST WHAT DRAGOONS DO WHEN THEY FINISH THEIR DAY JOB? JUST FUCKING GO ON TOUR?
#i thought of Kain just fucking off after FF4#and then Estinien just off and about#thought most likely in Radz at Han with his bestie#and it just dawned on me#it's late i need to be in bed but I'm not tired#waiting for the melatonin to kick in
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why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety
#i was supposed to do my first day at the high school today but i had literally so much anxiety i could not fall asleep last night no matter#what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.#i could shut my brain off till i went into the application and deleted my schedule for the day#ive just been feeling so fatigued and exhausted since i got covid it's crazy. sometimes i'll have bursts of energy where im productive#but yesterday i was just so tired from loading the washing machine. just. fucking sorting clothes and putting them in#that i had to lie down on the floor for a few minutes in the middle of it#not my finest moment#tales from diana#i didn't have anything scheduled for tomorrow and i thought 'maybe if i feel better tonight ill call in'#but i dont feel. super better tonight. and the only thing that i could do tomorrow at my preferred school is kindergarten subbing#for like the main classroom teacher. which i havent done before so i figured 'yeah im not gonna get my anxiety up 2 days in a row'#i deserve to sleep tonight after all and i think if i committed to that i wouldnt be able to#but i am going into my elementary school on wed-thur-friday of this week. wednesday is only a half day but they'll probably find smth for me#to do in the afternoon. they usually do. and im fine w that.#idk im just much more comfortable in my elementary school. i guess bc ive worked there before and i went to school there#as a wittle student waaaay back in the day. like i know the building and it doesn't scare me and i know a good amount of kids there#and the staff don't intimidate me. so yeah.#i did schedule my first job at the high school FOR REAL THIS TIME and it's next friday. hopefully ill be doing better by then.#im working the thursday before it at the elementary so i'll be in the rhythm of that. idk how to explain it but it's harder to go back#to work when ive taken a day off. like that's also why im not going in tomorrow.#friday (4/07) was the first day i worked since i got covid and that was fine but also. i was so anxious just to go in.#and so so so so tired when i got home. and all weekend.#yeah i wasn't ready to start working at the high school today. that was nonsense.#hopefully all will go well on wednesday thursday and friday of this week. im trying to restore my energy and fix my sleep. thatll do wonders#i hope. i hope i hope i hope
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nope it was just goofy so i wanted it on the blog
#<- lmao i thought it was on purpose#<- i had taken my melatonin and was actively falling asleep while i was typing and i didnt feel like fixing it after lols#🐈#langa ❄️
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No C-PAP. Don't even get to try it to see if it would improve my quality of life. He just diagnosed me with insomnia and told me to go seek alternative sleep aid elsewhere.
One thing he asked was if I took melatonin. I do, I even pair it up with benadryl and told him it doesn't help. My sleep is not restful, I can't stay asleep either, AND I feel horribly fatigued all day. After that, he just suggested doubling up on it (10mg would become 20mg), and I think... That sounds... Ummmm?
#she speaks#And I really dont want to try ambien#If it dissolves my already thinning impulse control something horrible might happen#I just want to not feel like I need to lay down for 18 hours after doing dishes. Is that like? To much of an ask?#Oh right#Dear Diary#I also thought. That I read. That you shouldnt be taking melatonin everyday.#Because if you do that then your brain builts a resistance and the medicine stops working. So you're supposed to space it out.
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Love being wide awake at 1am when I need to get up at 6 wish me luck at work tomorrow
#there's literally zero sign of sleep approaching#even after two melatonins#rip me i guess#elfy thoughts
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