#this is the last week of classes and i am so fucked

[the---hermit]

11|11|2024

I am not in the best mental health place at the moment, and it's fucking up my sleep of course. I feel so tired an unmotivated when I get up, it's not good. I have started working on the materials for a new class today. I decided that I will be starting with my history of political and social institutions class, since I have a bad feeling that it will have less exam dates than the other class I was planning on taking in January. I did email the professor to ask for the exam dates, but as I am writing this, he hasn't answered yet, so I am just going with my gut. Studying for this class will be a bit weird because I have to study some materials I worked on in my past degree, which means I am already in possession of a great set of notes I wrote. I decided that my work for this class will start with rereading and rewriting the notes I wrote in the past. Writing in probably the main part of my study method, so I feel like this is a good way to get back into the materials and topic without wasting time. If I were to only reread the notes it would be way less productive, and rewriting the notes isn't a task I dislike, I actually do like sitting down at my desk and hadwriting my informations with arrows and colours. It's also a task that does require focus but not too much brain power, because since I was the one writing the notes in the first place the material is exactly how I like it, direct, with short sentences and a structure I easily get into. Ideally I'd like to finish the rewriting by the end of the week, but I am not sure yet I'll manage. After doing that I might do a quick reread of the book to get a fresh view of the general thing, but honestly I think it will be a last minute decision. In the meantime the professor will hopefully answer and I'll have an actual plan for the winter exam session.

productivity list:

read first thing in the morning

emailed professor

started rereading and rewriting political intitution notes (I worked on the entire first chapter of the book the notes refer to)

duolingo

📖: The Adventures of Amina Al Sirafi

[scarletcomet]

*

[study-lizard]

we're so back

well... at least on the way back. I have decided my life is much better if I just believe that deadlines aren't real. But I'm gearing up to dive into research! My goals for this week:

⋆ go into lab every weekday ⋆ interact with a robot (or the code for one) ⋆ read the papers cited by my lab's recent project

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[re-velogs]

so fucking busy the rest of the year. being alive is awesome :]

[pastelpousay]

Hi again…I’m sure we all know what the hell this is for 😭💀

Sorry ik I keep coming on here about my stupid personal problems but lowk I think I might take another break I still wanna draw and write and stuff but that junior year depression hit me so hard I literally can’t rn 💀 I feel so isolated and alone and I feel like my friends hate me ( except for like one but still I don’t even get to see them cuz we have no classes together anymore.) I’ll still post art when I feel like it but I think the depression actually hit me so hard I don’t even care about how many people like my art anymore 💀 that’s saying a lot and school is not a help- I’ve felt like this for a while even before school but like at least I can write it off now I can’t and it’s literally only the second week 💀💀😭 this shit is sad as fuck.

So yea I might just go offline I hope to come back on here and I may like stuff every now and again and check in on some people but other than that idk I just feel so unmotivated I haven’t done much of any digital and the ones I did I hate or I just don’t feel like working on them, like I legitimately feel awful 😭 Hades and Rina is my only comfort it makes me so happy I love talking about them idk why I made it feel like such a job when literally no one gives a fuck about this shit but me. It’s why all my friends hate me, why everyone thinks I’m weird. And literally I already know no one in my school fucks with me they legit look at ppl like they’re some science experiment. This is basically a fucking repeat of last time but yea. I literally can’t it’s about to be my birthday and I feel so ass I’ll post for my birthday but that’s it I can’t do this anymore I love Hadina with all my might I want them to be real I wish they were I don’t understand why I have to here at school practically completely isolated I feel like I don’t have anyone anymore, like I don’t even feel important whatd the point do I even matter at all?? Like what if people just pity me or something idek why I care I feel so stupid saying this but I need to get it out and I can’t go to my friends because 1. I feel like most of them don’t like me 2. I’m so sick of them trying to reason with me I’m grateful for the help but it’s the same every time it feels insincere or like they don’t even care anymore. It lowkey might be karma but yea.

Sorry for the vent I don’t even know if I’ll leave I’m literally so desperate but I don’t even care. I miss when i started this blog when I was actually having fun and stuff now it just feels like I’m working I don’t want to do that it sucks all the fun out. I never complete any writing or anything and this is why. I hate school I hate everything about it.

OAKY AGAIN SORRY FOR THE VENT IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO STUPID

[vampiricsheep]

so since I may be free this summer after all, would anyone be interested in an RP event that's a potluck? I've been wanting to do it for ages but there's never any interest compared to other themes

for a discord rp, I would make a separate server explicitly for this purpose so you don't have to be in any guilds or anything! I would also delete the server (or at least channel, if people would like an event-planning server long-term) after a week - enough time for people to read over their stuff but not preserved forever and ever.

[officialjimmybuffett]

how to email professor about them being disrespectful of ur time and to please post assignments not 24 hrs before they’re due

[magentagalaxies]

vent incoming:

got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!

[loverboybrightsideghost]

deeply fucking annoyed with my college advisor rn

[stormyrainyday]

this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy

[supercantaloupe]

the thing abt grad school is that it's hard and after a year and a half im kind of already ready for it to be done with by now but also idk wtf im gonna do once im out

[straightlightyagami]

im so stressed bc i have the stupid useless assignments from my humanities class and also im behind on all math homeworks bc i was not doing them and also i cannot stop thinking i did not do well enough in my classes last semester so it’s over for me it’s all over for me

[iridescentis]

i have to wait 20 minutes for my next class someone pleas talk to me :)

[steaksex]

Today sucked ass and penis. Clearly the healthy thing ti do is repeat my self hypnosis trigger until i dont need to worry about having a brain or being a person

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I’ve had a few “whoops this thing I stopped doing is actually helping me” moments recently.

I’ve felt wretched and like I was coming down with the flu recently. It felt more than my normal PEM symptoms, and I was really concerned. And then I realise it’s spring, a bunch of stuff is blooming, and it’s been sooooo windy. And I stopped taking antihistamines and my nasonex sometime last year (antihistamines bc we thought it might have been causing some side effects, nasonex bc I hate the sensation of nasal sprays and need motivation to use it). Pesky hayfever. Needless to say I’m feeling much better having restarted my regimen. I felt a bit silly that I could have avoided feeing miserable though.

I went out for an appointment yesterday in my “knock about the house” shoes that are podiatrist loathed (nil ankle support, nil arch support, worn down), rather than my lace up shoes with my orthotics. After that appointment, I thought I’d check out a new store that’s opened at the shops nearby. I ended up doing a LOT of walking at the shops and today my ankles are sooooo painful and my hips been acting up. I guess it’s good to know that my shoes and orthotics are doing good things in terms of symptom prevention (as well as better longer-term outcomes) but damn do I feel ouchie.

I’m framing it as “yay negative data also tells us important things” because I gotta remember it’s not my fault when these things happen but it is good to try learn from them. And frankly, when there’s so many things going on with your health and condition management as a disabled person, it’s okay when things fall through the cracks. It’s gonna happen. Especially when there’s lots of non-disability stuff going on too. It’s okay.