#I’m also making travel prep for in a few months

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I’ve had a few “whoops this thing I stopped doing is actually helping me” moments recently.

I’ve felt wretched and like I was coming down with the flu recently. It felt more than my normal PEM symptoms, and I was really concerned. And then I realise it’s spring, a bunch of stuff is blooming, and it’s been sooooo windy. And I stopped taking antihistamines and my nasonex sometime last year (antihistamines bc we thought it might have been causing some side effects, nasonex bc I hate the sensation of nasal sprays and need motivation to use it). Pesky hayfever. Needless to say I’m feeling much better having restarted my regimen. I felt a bit silly that I could have avoided feeing miserable though.

I went out for an appointment yesterday in my “knock about the house” shoes that are podiatrist loathed (nil ankle support, nil arch support, worn down), rather than my lace up shoes with my orthotics. After that appointment, I thought I’d check out a new store that’s opened at the shops nearby. I ended up doing a LOT of walking at the shops and today my ankles are sooooo painful and my hips been acting up. I guess it’s good to know that my shoes and orthotics are doing good things in terms of symptom prevention (as well as better longer-term outcomes) but damn do I feel ouchie.

I’m framing it as “yay negative data also tells us important things” because I gotta remember it’s not my fault when these things happen but it is good to try learn from them. And frankly, when there’s so many things going on with your health and condition management as a disabled person, it’s okay when things fall through the cracks. It’s gonna happen. Especially when there’s lots of non-disability stuff going on too. It’s okay.

[bunnywonyo]

I THINK I READ THE WRONG PINOCCHIO

g!p puppet yujin x toy maker’s daughter! reader

synopsis: classic puppet becomes a human but instead of going out to get swallowed by a whale, this puppet fuck their toy maker’s daughter.

word count: 1.8k

tags: agalmatophilia, smut

growing up with your father, you grew to also love the toys he made. from the wooden dolls to the mini animal sculptures that he himself carved. but your favorite type of toys that your father has made were the puppets.

the puppets, there was something about them that has drawn you. it might be their realistic faces or their names or even the fact that they kept you company whenever your father goes out of town to buy toy making materials. this day is another one of those occasions when your father will be gone for a few days to buy materials.

“it won’t take long y/n, i’ll be back in no time. now you be careful here, ok? you know where our food is kept right? i also asked our neighbors to occasionally check up on you, if you run into any trouble just yell for them. also, don’t for to lock the— ”

“i know dad, we go through this every two months since i can remember, i’m already used to it by now.”

“i know, but your old man just can’t help himself. i don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“It’s ok dad besides like you said the neighbors are here plus the puppets keep me company!”

"alright, but promise me you'll be careful," he added, hugging you tightly before grabbing his travel bag.

"i promise, dad," you said with a smile, hoping to reassure him. You slammed the door behind him and turned to face the room full of his works.

you approached the shelf, where the puppets were carefully placed, each with its own unique personality. there was wonyoung, the elegant princess; kazuha, the graceful ballerina; and giselle, the trendy fashionista. however, one puppet struck you the most: yujin, a mysterious puppet with hauntingly gorgeous eyes and a face that was both feminine and masculine.

yujin was by far your favorite among the countless puppets that your father has created. the way her face was sculpted to perfection, those dark brown eyes that seem to be alive, and the way her skin looks so soft despite being made of wood. her unexpected appendage down there was also a bonus(your father explained that yujin was supposed to be a boy but later changed his decision).

you reached out and picked up yujin, feeling a sense of comfort rush over you while holding her in your hands.

as the day passed by, you always had yujin by your side. whether it was to feed the chickens or to bring in the clothes that were set to dry. there was something about her that drew you in, something that, unlike everyone else, gave you the impression that you in some way, were understood.

before long, darkness fell and you had to remain indoors with your puppet companion, even though you have kind neighbors all around you, you never know when danger is around.

after making sure that you’ve locked all possible entrances, you’ve decided to light a few candles and turned on the kitchen light, creating a cozy, warm atmosphere. you then decided to cook some warm vegetable soup. the comforting aroma soon spread out through the whole house making you hum in delight.

once in a while you would glance at yujin who you propped by the dining table. the gentle flicker of the candles danced across yujin's face, giving the puppet an almost lifelike appearance. time passed by and you were soon done cooking. you prepped up the table and got all the necessary utensils to finally eat.

“yujin!! dinner’s ready!” you yelled even though you knew she was a puppet.

‘damn i must be going crazy’

sitting down, you took a sip of the soup, moaning in delight at the taste.

“you know yujin,” you started. “with you here, it doesn’t really feel lonely at all”

the puppet, unresponsive, just sat there yet her wooden eyes somehow looked like they were focused and listening intently to you.

shaking your head, you continued “i wish you were alive yuj, oh the stories i could tell you and the things we could do together.”

“you could walk independently, you could taste my cooking, you could……you could feel love—my love” you lighty ranted

but what you didn’t know was this simple wish of yours could lead to you getting any sleep at all tonight wink wink

after finishing dinner, you cleaned up the dining room and kitchen and also put away the leftovers. you did your nightly routines before putting yujin beside you in your bed.

“goodnight yuj” you say before kissing her on the lips and turning off the lights. you glanced at her one more time before closing your eyes as your consciousness drifts off to dreamland

“y/n”

“psst y/n”

“y/n wake up”

rubbing your eyes, you groaned in annoyance as your sweet slumber was interrupted.

“who is it? what happened? is the kitchen burning?” you asked but you were only answered by the sound of someone giggling.

“who the—WHAT THE FUCK!” you began to talk, but your words were cut short when you lost your balance.

falling off the bed with a bang, you landed on the floor in a tangle of bedding and limb. the force of the fall jolted you completely awake, and you sat up, scratching your head and looking around in confusion. as you struggled to get your bearings, you noticed Yujin sitting up on the bed, her eyes wide with concern. except yujin was no longer a puppet; she was fully alive, with human-like features and a concerned look.

"are you okay?" yujin asked, her voice quiet but filled with concern.

you blinked, trying to fully take in what you were seeing. "yujin? how... how are you alive?" you gasped, looking at her with surprise.

yujin looked down at herself, then back at you, equally bewildered. "i don't know," she said, shaking her head slightly. "one moment i was a puppet, and the next... i'm like this."

you stood up still trying to take in the whole situation when she spoke up again

“y/n i think it might be the kiss” she said

“the kiss?” you repeat feeling your cheeks flush as you remembered what you did a while ago

“yeah the kiss, it might’ve been some kind of magic” she explained while standing up, her tall figure towering over you.

as everything sank in, you realized how close yujin was standing in front of you. you stared at her and you could see her staring back at you. slowly, like a dream, you both leaned in. your breaths mingled, your eyes locked, and suddenly, as if driven by an invisible force, your lips touched in a soft, long kiss. it was delicate at first, but soon turned rough.

yujin placed her hands on your shoulders and deepened the kiss, her lips soft and warm on yours. your heart raced in your chest, and you felt yourself melting into the moment. before you knew it, yujin has already pushed you back to your bed, her body hovering over you.

the two of you locking lips for a while before you broke the kiss “i can’t believe this is real,” you gasped “i’ve been dreaming of this moment for a long time now.”

yujin smirks, hands squeezing your ass before replying, “me too princess, ever since i became conscious.”

you blush at the nickname before feeling something hard press against your thigh.

“yujin is this?..........” you trailed off, pertaining to the ‘thing’ poking your thigh.

“it’s exactly what you think it is princess” her smirk still there, her hand now rubbing your crotch. “i know you want this too.”

“let me take care of you” she whispered, her voice dropping an octave.

you nod in response, heart beating rapidly in anticipation. yujin’s hand moved smoothly across your bodies, slowly undressing the two you. your body shivered at the cold air when she finally finished undressing you. yujin stared at your body with a predatory gaze causing you to cover yourself with your arms. she chuckles at your attempt to cover yourself before grabbing your arms, preventing you from further trying to.

“don’t cover your body princess, your beautiful” she says as she leans to your neck, gently nipping it making you blush

with the two of you now bare, you could finally properly her length. if you had to guess, it was around 8 inches and it was quite girthy. it was veiny and had a huge prominent vein stemming from the base to the underside of the tip.

yujin positioned herself between you, looking into your eyes searching for any signs of discomfort or hesitation. seeing none, she guided her length to your core.

she penetrated you with a slow, deliberate thrust, and you yelped in pleasure. yujin stopped, giving you a moment to adjust, her gaze never leaving yours. "are you okay?" she said softly, her voice full of worry and love.

"yes," you whispered, your body craving more. "please, yujin... don't stop."

with your consent, yujin starts thrusting. each thrust harder and faster than the last one, this lead to you being a moaning and panting mess.

“you like that?” she pants, sweat running down her cheeks. “you like it when i turn you into a moaning mess?”

“yes!” you gasped. “i…–ahhh love it yujin! harder please i–ahhh want more.”

hearing this, yujin smirks before gripping your hips as she increases her pace, her eyes locked straight into yours. her gaze making you feel small.

"you're mine," she whispered, her voice a low growl that sent shivers down your spine. "and i'm gonna make you feel so good."

her words drove you over the edge, sending waves of pleasure crashing through you. you screamed out her name, your nails clawing her back, pulling her closer as your climax came.

yujin continued to thrust into you, her breath coming in ragged gasps as she chased her release. when she finally reached it, her body tightened, a loud, guttural cry from her lips as she gushed inside you, filling you entirely.

for a few moments, you both lay there, tangled together, your breaths mingling as you came down from your high. yujin brushed a strand of hair away from your face, her gaze softening with affection that made your heart flutter.

“i know we might be going a bit too fast but i love you y/n.” she whispered, her voice filled with sincerity.

you blush at her words before replying “it’s okay yuj, we’re in this together” you cup her cheeks. “and i love you too.”

yujin smiles at your words, leaning in to kiss you. “i’m gonna cherish this chance of being alive to prove to you how much i love you.” she promises.

you held her close, experiencing an overwhelming feeling of completeness and happiness you had never had before. the two of leaned in for one last before getting settled in bed to sleep.

“............”

“hey y/n?”

“hmm?”

“i think i’m getting hard again”

oh boy……..

[ask-a-vetblr]

Hi I’m starting a book set in Australia (I’m an Aussie!) and it’s about Rabies getting loose in Australia but going to be like a sci/fi and horror novel. I thought I’d ask actual vets if you knew what could happen if rabies got loose in Australia?

gettingvetted here.

Our founder and native Aussie, drferox, is on hiatus, so I will give this a go.

Unfortunately for your book, rabies is one of the easiest diseases to control and eradicate, especially on a small scale and especially if you know the animal of origin. Vaccinations literally have to be upwards of 95% effective (at least in the US) in order to become licensed for use, and the immunity derived from rabies vaccines is long lasting at 1-3 years at minimum; it probably lasts longer but official studies to license vaccines for that long have not been done due to expense. Likewise, the vaccines are usually inexpensive compared to other vaccines like Lyme, as you can vaccinate a cat or dog for 3 years for roughly $25 per vaccine. You typically have plenty of time (weeks to months) after a possible exposure to determine if the biting animal is rabid, and even if you never find that out, rabies vaccination will prevent rabies in an exposed individual as long as they themselves are not showing symptoms (aka, there's a handful of known rabies positive animals in the country and you/your dog just got bitten by a kangaroo? get vaccinated, you're going to be fine even if they can't find the kangaroo again). The symptoms are pretty obvious and pretty classic, making the animal easily identifiable even among its peers, and once the stage of being symptomatic has arrived and thus transmission is possible, the animal will die in a handful of days, thus self-limiting the spread. The only "treatment" is humane euthanasia and as wildlife are the usual reservoir of the virus, there isn't much of an uproar when a select few are euthanized for testing or prevention each year. An interesting factoid is that while the US still has rabies, we *only* have wildlife strains present (not canine rabies). So even if a dog gets rabies from another dog, they will still have acquired skunk, bat, or raccoon strains of rabies. This is due to years of regulating that cats, dogs, and ferrets (domesticated carnivores) be vaccinated for rabies and euthanized for biting if unvaccinated until the canine strain was eradicated. Canine rabies is still an issue in countries with lots of feral dogs.

As a vet in the US, it is a MAJOR headache to ship animals from rabies-endemic areas to non-rabies-endemic areas. Even Hawaii is extremely difficult to pull off. Not only do they have to be vaccinated early (usually within 6 months of travel), they also often have to have rabies titers performed within the same time frame or sometimes even closer to the travel date. An extended quarantine period (I seem to recall that it is 6 months in some cases?) is also required prior to entry for countries such as Australia so that even if the rabies vaccination and titers were incorrect or forged and the animal has rabies, they would still show symptoms prior to entry into the country. Also, while unrelated to rabies, Australia requires veterinarians (not animal owners) to personally administer very specific parasite prevention to animals at very specific intervals to prevent certain parasites from entering the country too, so the amount of prep work required for export itself is often long enough such that if the animal had rabies, you would find out before they left the country. The regulations also differ depending on country of origin - countries with less control over their rabies status are either banned from importing animals or face even stricter import regulations. If any of these steps are performed incorrectly or without pristine official evidence of doing so, the animal gets right back on the plane and goes back to its country of origin, or is held in official government quarantine at customs. So it would be quite difficult to get a rabid animal into the country. Humans are a different story of course, so that may be the best way to bring rabies into Australia in your story. However, humans getting rabies is extremely rare, and considering the excellent healthcare in AUS, a human would probably seek care and be diagnosed before they could become insane enough to start biting wildlife (again, the only real scenario I could think of that could feasibly bring rabies to AUS, because if a rabies positive human bit another human or even a dog, you simply vaccinate that human or dog for rabies and they will be fine).

So, let's assume that you got rabies into the country and a handful of wild animals of various species are exposed. We'll even assume that it was a dog that somehow brought it in despite all the red tape designed to make it impossible, and that dog is ownerless or escaped so there is nobody to tell officials what type or how many animals it bit before it died of its symptoms. It would probably take a significant amount of time for anyone to figure out what was going on. Vets who are educated in countries that have endemic rabies are taught that any animal with any neurologic symptoms should be treated as if they have rabies unless they recover. I.e., if a neurologic animal dies without a definitive diagnosis of some other neurologic disease (such as EPM, distemper, etc) and especially if that animal is unvaccinated for rabies, you MUST assume they had rabies and send them for postmortem testing so that any human or animal who was exposed to the potentially rabid animal can be vaccinated if necessary. However, vets who are educated in non-endemic countries are of course aware of the disease, but probably wouldn't have it on their radar for a neurologic animal. It would probably take a few wildlife or pet animal cases being sent for necropsy and testing after sudden neurologic death before rabies was diagnosed, which probably wouldn't happen until a few months to a year after the first case arrived in the country, at the earliest. Then a few things would happen.

First, the owners of the pet animals and the organizations dealing with wildlife would be extensively interviewed to determine location and possibly the species of animal that bit the now-dead-and-necropsied rabid animal. These areas would be surveyed extensively and unfortunately a lot of local wildlife mammals would probably be preventively eradicated especially if positive cases were found in a given species. Import/export of ANY animals from the country would be immediately halted and mandatory vaccination of all owned animals in the country would likely be established and enforced. Travel of humans likely wouldn't be stopped, but rabies vaccination would be added to the list of recommended vaccines for travel to AUS, similar to malaria vaccines in endemic countries. Again, the excellent and affordable healthcare system of AUS (at least compared to the US) would probably lead many or most Australians to be vaccinated for rabies prophylactially, which can cost thousands of dollars in the US and is usually not covered by health insurance. There would probably be a huge push for vaccination of wildlife with rabies vaccines dropped from aircraft, which could be done both within the area that suspected exposed or definitively positive animals have been found, as well as a radius around those areas as prevention. Vets would be mandated to report any neurologic or behaviorally abnormal animal even if rabies wasn't the suspected cause, and unfortunately would likely be forced to euthanize many animals that were not rabid. There is a chance that with these measures, rabies could be eradicated, but it wouldn't be certain, probably ever. Longer term, surveillance measures would be taken (and I don't mean surveillance like the FBI, I mean epidemiologic surveillance such as monitoring cases that pop up and physically checking on and sampling the typical populations of wildlife that carry the disease). Regardless, it would be extremely difficult to cause any kind of fatal epidemic using a standard rabies virus. Ounce of prevention/pound of cure and all that, but Australia currently chooses a pound of prevention.

Definitely an interesting concept for a book, but I would go with a carnivore parvovirus or canine distemper virus that mutates quickly enough that it can't be vaccinated for, and is transmissible from animals to humans. Parvovirus, specifically, is extremely hardy in the environment and is far more contagious than rabies. Without effective vaccines, I'm betting that either distemper or parvo would cause more death than the plague, especially among pediatrics. I'm not familiar with hendravirus given that we don't have it in the US, but to my knowledge that is also a horrific and contagious disease that is already present in AUS.

Hope this helps!

[anto-pops]

Atonement PART 2 - Dark!Sebastian Sallow x Female!Reader

Summary: "Love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. Just keep being friendly to that person. Just keep loving them, and they can't stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they'll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That's love, you see. It is redemptive."

Word Count: 7.8k 

Warnings: 18+, aged up characters, hurt/comfort, explicit sexual content, rough sex

This ended up being 8 pages of straight sin, I refused to let the make-up sex be short so SORRY if it's a lot of horny word babble LMAO

As always, the full fic can be found here on Ao3! Part 1 of Atonement can also be found here on Tumblr

The Clagmar Coast was brutally cold. 

You’d apparated yourself and Sebastian to a secluded cove nestled between the rocky mountains and the shoreline. It was far from the main roads the village folk used to travel this way, giving you a modicum of privacy that you planned to make good on for the night. Trudging through the chilled, wet sand towards a dilapidated cabin, Sebastian shuddered against the piercing breeze. 

“That pile of wood won’t do shit– we’ll freeze to death before morning.” 

Biting back a snide comment of your own, you rolled your eyes instead. “It’s just an illusionment charm. See?” 

Sebastian followed the line of your pointed finger and spotted a shimmering glow emanating a foot away from the door. He had to focus hard to see it, but now that he knew what he was looking for, it was easier to pinpoint the blurred movement of the spell, as though it were swaying in sync with the breeze.

“Exactly how much prep work went into this scheme of yours?” Sebastian asked, amusement coloring his tone as he glanced at you.

You deflected the veiled compliment with a shrug and kept your eyes trained on the cabin, increasing your pace to escape the icy wind and the feeling of his eyes on you. “Enough to get us this far. There’s bags inside already packed with some essentials, and extra clothes you can change into. I’ll need to double check a few things before we leave in the morning but feel free to get some sleep– I’m sure you’re tired after today.” 

Sebastian frowned as you strode ahead, fixing his narrowed eyes on the back of your head as you disappeared through the shimmering veil of magic. He quickly followed suit, emerging on the other side to find a wholly intact cabin with warm firelight spilling through the open doorway. You were already inside, rummaging around in a desk for Merlin knows what to occupy yourself in favor of talking. 

What the hell was your problem? 

“Can I help you with anything? Maybe a fresh set of eyes will–” 

“It’s fine,” you cut him off hurriedly as you rose from your crouched spot behind the thick oak table. “I mean– I’ll take care of it, thank you. It’s okay, really. Go get cleaned up, I’m sure you’re itching to ditch the prison uniform.” 

He was still rubbed the wrong way by your sudden change in behavior, but he allowed himself a quick look down at the tattered fabric clinging to his scraggly form. You had a point. “Fine. Where are the extra clothes?” 

You ignored the bite in his tone, fixing your eyes over his shoulder as you pointed him down the hallway to the bedroom. “In there. The washroom is on the right, and there should be soap in one of the bags. Take whatever you need.” 

Without another word in your direction, Sebastian strode down the hallway and disappeared into the room, letting the door dramatically slam shut behind him hard enough to shake the walls. You didn’t have it in you to be bugged by it though. Instead you sighed, deflating against the surface of the desk while your heart hammered away in your chest. 

Why was it suddenly so difficult to be near him? After months of planning and a never ending slew of sleepless nights, he was finally with you again, so why were you abruptly shutting yourself down in his presence? 

Maybe it was because having him back made the last two years real. Seeing him in the flesh validated every terrible thought that had haunted your mind until now; that he wasn’t the same, that he was a broken man, and that deep down he probably hated you for what you had done to him. Sure, you’d saved him, but anyone would be grateful to make it out of a situation like that alive. The kiss meant nothing. It was simply a ‘thank you’ that you didn’t deserve.

These thoughts were getting you nowhere. 

With a resolute sigh, you walked around the desk to collapse in a creaky chair, pinching the bridge of your nose before you started unraveling the map Ominis had given you months ago. It was covered in your messy scrawl, stray blots of ink staining the corners and betraying just how much time you’d actually spent slaving over your desperate plan. 

The time passed in silence as you cross referenced the routes you’d charted leading from the coast to your next destination. Since there had been no way to know how rescuing Sebastian would go, the last leg of your journey was relatively unmapped. All you knew for certain was that staying in England was out of the question. 

Scotland was far too close for comfort to consider any longer, so you axed it from your mind. France was promising, but also just a stone's throw away from London should the Ministry choose to expand their inevitable search. At the very least you could attempt to travel to one of the ports in the southern region to get farther away on a ship, but that still left the question of where the two of you would go unanswered. 

You stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, your thoughts pulling you in a million different directions while the quill in your grip failed to obey. The fire crackling across the room was all you could hear, but your nerves had you on edge. More Ministry officials could appear at any moment, and while you were fairly certain you hadn’t been followed, your experiences in life thus far had taught you to expect the worst and hope for the best. 

The feathered pen hung limp in your fingers as you shoved the heels of your palms into your eyes hard enough to see shapes, and you swore softly under your breath. But then the sudden feeling of a warm, calloused hand ghosting down your neck had you releasing the quill and jumping back in your seat, your wide eyes flying to Sebastian’s as he yanked his arm away. His hair was still wet from his bath, the dripping strands soaking through the fabric of the borrowed, black button down he wore. Your heart hammered in your ears as you took in his appearance. Despite the more slender frame he now bore, the clothes didn’t swallow him up, instead accentuating his long legs and lithely muscled biceps. His long fingers curled into fists at his side, and you observed as his entire upper half tensed up uncomfortably.

“Are you afraid of me?” 

The question pulled your attention from Sebastian’s body back to his stormy expression, and your stomach flipped. He looked angry. More than that, he sounded almost… offended.

“Of course not,” you answered quickly and glanced back at the map. “You just startled me– I didn’t hear you leave the bedroom.” 

His frown deepened, seemingly darkening the rings under his eyes in a way that conveyed he didn’t believe you in the slightest. “Then can you look at me when you speak to me?” 

That commanding tenor in his voice made the hair on your arms stand on end, and you suppressed a shudder. This version of Sebastian was relatively new to you– he had never spoken to you with such a domineering timbre before, and you found yourself heeding his request. When your eyes met his, he seemed to relax a fraction of an inch, moving to perch on the edge of the desk so he wasn’t towering over you like an imposing statue. 

“Why is it so hard for you to be near me?” He asked quietly, his eyes jumping between yours as if he could find the answer hidden somewhere in your gaze. “Why does staring at me make you look like you’re going to be sick? Am I really that far gone in your mind?” 

It was like a punch to the gut, hearing him imply that you were unnerved by his presence. Your brows drew together, and you instinctively sat forward in your chair to lean closer to him. “No, Sebastian, never. I could never think that of you– I’m sorry…” You trailed off and hung your head sadly, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes. “The truth is I look at you and I feel guilty. Nothing I say or do can take away the last two years, and I don’t even know where to begin to make things right.”

“I mean, killing two Aurors was a pretty good place to start,” he chuckled darkly, shaking his head as though in disbelief. “If you feel so terrible about it, why did you turn me in? Surely you’ve done worse, what with your abilities and all that. Me killing Solomon should have been a minuscule blip on your moral compass.” 

You scowled, blinking back the fat tears that threatened to spill forth. “I’m not scared now, but I was back then. You were unrecognizable, Sebastian, it was like you were possessed– and when all was said and done you just… disappeared for days. I had to fight Ranrok by myself, Fig died, and then I single handedly uprooted a five hundred year old secret and undid all of the Keepers’ work because despite everything you had done, a part of me still wanted to– I wanted to–” 

The tears finally came, a choked sob ripping its way from your throat, and you buried your head in your hands to hide your face in shame. You heard papers shuffling as Sebastian angled himself to face you better, and when he lifted his hand as though to touch your shoulder, he stopped himself at the last second. It curled into a limp fist that fell against the desk. 

His voice was much softer when he finally asked, “Wanted what? And what did you do?” 

Sebastian was desperate to know what you were thinking. The need to understand your mentality and find out what you meant in regards to the Keepers was overwhelming; he remembered the pensive memory he’d viewed with you before everything fell apart, and how Isidora Morganach had harnessed the ability to remove a person’s pain. Was that what you were talking about? 

Lifting your head, you fixed your swollen eyes on his hand in front of you. You decided it was easier to admit what you’d done if you couldn’t see his penetrating gaze boring down on you. “I still wanted to help you. I wanted to help Anne for you. So I took the power from the Repository– the same magic the Keepers made me swear to protect– I stole it and never went back to the Map Chamber. I assume they must know by now what I did, but it was easier to just avoid them after everything.” 

Everything was starting to click into place. Your potent aura outside of King’s Cross Station made a lot more sense with the added knowledge that Isidora’s magic was now in fact yours, living and flowing within you. It had felt shockingly volatile, so at odds with the underlying warm, ancient magic you’d wielded since your fifth year. The combined energies had been like a vortex of light and dark, cutting and soothing the air simultaneously as you’d killed William without hesitation. 

All for him? 

Sebastian’s heartbeat kicked up in his chest as he finally let himself reach for you, and this time you didn’t leap away from his touch, instead letting him cradle your clasped, trembling hands in his own. His firm hold imbued you with the strength to look up at him, and when he saw the tearful glimmer in your eyes, Sebastian knew then that he had already forgiven you for turning him in. Even before seeing how raw your guilt had left you, he’d always known he would return to you. It was what had fueled his attempt at escaping Azkaban in the first place; the chance to see you again, and to apologize for ever taking you for granted. 

“I’m so sorry, darling,” he brought your hands to his lips and murmured the apology against your knuckles, his breath ghosting over your skin causing you to shiver. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I should have known better than to keep pushing you and Ominis the way I did– and when I asked you for help with Anne, I never meant for you to do something you didn’t want to do– least of all something that would change who you are.” 

You swallowed around the lump in your throat, turning your palms over so that you could intertwine your fingers with Sebastian’s much longer ones. It didn’t escape your attention how perfectly your hands still fit together. “I wanted to. You didn’t make me do anything, and while the side effects are ever… evolving, I’m still me. Just a bit more prone to violence, I suppose.” 

He cocked his head to the side in interest. You hadn’t previously been one to start fights. During his time at school with you, it was often you mediating altercations and trying to break up arguments before things could escalate. At least, where Sebastian was concerned, you did. “Oh? So that marionette move you pulled on Singer earlier was entirely of your own volition?” 

A sliver of trepidation coursed through him when your expression changed, morphing into a remorseless sneer that he didn’t recognize. “Yes. He was going to kill you.”

Nodding slowly, Sebastian allowed his next quip to die on his tongue in favor of tracing small circles on the back of your hand. He wasn’t sure what to say. As much as he knew you wanted to believe Azkaban had changed him drastically, the situation seemed to be the exact opposite. It was you who had gone through something of a rebirth, and it piqued Sebastian’s interest to no end. 

What else about you had changed? 

In a bid to switch topics, you pulled your hands away from Sebastian’s to rifle through the desk drawer. He watched you curiously as you found what you were looking for, and you tentatively pulled out his wand. The familiar checkered handle caught his attention instantaneously, and his bark of laughter was ripe with pleasant surprise. Your heart leapt at the sound, and you smiled in spite of yourself.

His fingers curled around the base slowly, as though he were in disbelief of the thin bit of wood. “You kept it? I thought the Ministry took it for good after I was arrested.” 

“Mm, technically they did. Ominis gave it to me a few months ago when I asked him to help me track you down. I was just as surprised when he handed it over, but I think he believed I’d find you in time. He wanted you to get it back.” 

Sebastian’s mouth opened and shut a few times as he took in your words, a fondness sweeping over his features. “Ominis helped you break me out?” 

You nodded once, then paused as you reconsidered his role in everything. “Well, sort of. He gave me information about your transfer to London a few months ago. I asked him if he wanted to come with us once I found you, but he wanted to stay in case the Ministry started pestering Anne about your escape–” 

“Anne is alive?” He cut you off in a hushed whisper, and his next few breaths seemed to shake his entire body. “How?”

You swallowed, “Isidora’s spell. The same one she used on her father— only I altered it. I can take a person’s pain but leave their soul untouched. She’s more comfortable now, at the very least, but her curse is as much a part of her as my ancient magic is a part of me. I can’t completely cure her of it, not without stripping her completely of what makes her whole. She has more time though, and it’s pain free.” 

You watched his face with rapt interest, searching his expression for any signs of anger or disappointment, but to your surprise the crease between Sebastian’s brows vanished, and he looked wholly content. When he didn’t immediately say anything, you pressed him, “What are you thinking?” 

Sebastian lifted his wandless hand to cradle the back of your neck, pulling your face closer to his until your foreheads were pressed together. He smelled strongly of the lavender soaps you’d packed, but underneath it was his own heady scent of cedar, and something akin to pine needles. You shamelessly sucked in a breath, and you felt his hold on the nape of your neck tighten a fraction. 

“Thank you,” his dark eyes were trained solely on you, and the close proximity made your head spin, your eyes darting down to his lips momentarily. “You have no idea what it means to hear you say that. I fully expected her to… not be around, in the event I ever made it out. More time is fine– it’s perfect, even. I only ever wanted for her to be able to live the way she wanted, and it sounds like she can now thanks to you.” 

Reaching up to wrap your fingers around his forearms, you flashed him a watery smile. “I really am sorry, Sebastian. For everything. If I could go back and change things I would– I should never have let the Ministry take you away–”

“Stop apologizing,” he implored you, his eyes dropping to your lips. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

He couldn’t be more wrong. “I have everything to be sorry for.” 

“Hardly. I’m here now, aren’t I?” His tongue darted out to wet his lips, and the sight had your stomach churning expectantly. 

“You are.” 

“I thought about you all the time while I was there, you know.” Sebastian set his wand down on the desk to lightly grip your chin, tilting your face up to meet his hungry gaze. “Sometimes I would lose myself in my own head for days thinking about you. I missed you… I missed us.” 

The minuscule distance between the two of you was driving any coherent thoughts from your mind. Suddenly all you could focus on was Sebastian’s thumb dragging over your bottom lip, and the glimmer of arousal that was growing steadily behind his full, dark lashes. You gave yourself a moment to appreciate it all; his hand on the back of your neck, the pure want reflected in his eyes, and the tantalizing feeling of simply being near him after two long, painstaking years. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Sebastian whispered the promise against your parted lips. “I need to know that you’re alright with whatever happens after, because if I deny myself of you any longer, I can’t say that I’ll be able to hold myself back.” 

His husky tone had you clenching your knees together under the desk, the visceral need for your baser urges to be satiated taking root in your gut. This was real– he forgave you, and he still wanted you, even after everything you had inadvertently put him through. 

The realization broke down the rest of your barriers, leading you to nod in his firm hold, and before you knew it Sebastian had captured your lips in a deep, sensual kiss. His hand on the back of your neck held you fast to his mouth as he released your chin, sweeping his legs over the desk so the long appendages trapped you between them, and when you heard miscellaneous items get knocked to the ground in the process, you barely reacted. 

Sebastian was leaning over you completely, your head angled up in a way that left you entirely at his mercy as he ran his thumbs along your jaw and probed his tongue into your mouth. You sighed against him, bringing your hands up to rest on his thighs for better leverage, and when your nails dug into the fabric of his dark trousers, you felt him jolt with a throaty groan. 

“Fuck, you have no idea what you do to me,” Sebastian uttered in between kisses, and you boldly began trailing your palms up towards the growing bulge between his legs. Winding his fingers in the hair at the base of your neck, he tugged you away from his face to fix you with a heated look. “When I wasn’t thinking about you, I was dreaming about you. I imagined this happening in so many different ways– I never stopped fantasizing about the pretty sounds you would make, or how you would look falling apart under me.” 

Your hands finally came to rest on his trapped erection, and the generous squeeze you gave him had him pinching his eyes shut in an effort to keep from bucking into your touch. “Show me,” you begged. “Please, Sebastian, show me everything, I missed you.” 

Sebastian released you for a mere moment to slide off the desk completely, and then his hands were back on you, swiftly tugging you out of your chair by the scruff of your shirt to slam your back against the wall behind you. Then he was kissing you again, swallowing up your startled gasp as he roughly wedged his knee between your legs to hold you upright. When Sebastian broke away to trail his teeth down your jaw and along the sensitive skin of your throat, he rolled his hips against you, relishing in the wanton moan the friction pulled from your lips. 

His hands began slowly and methodically undoing the buttons of your top, taking his time as he lightly nipped at your pulse once, twice, before finally latching his lips around the skin to work a proprietary bruise into your flesh. There was nothing gentle about it– especially once he moved his mouth lower to the hollow of your throat, licking along your collarbone before biting into the tender curve of your shoulder. 

“Fuck!” Your raspy cry shot straight to Sebastian’s cock, and you felt it strain against your hip through the restrictive material of his pants. “S-Sebastian, please–”

“You sound damn good, darling,” he mouthed wetly against the bite, pressing a chaste kiss there to soothe the throbbing ache. “I’d be an idiot to not take my time with you. Let a newly freed man enjoy himself, would you?” 

While you understood his sentiment, the heat pooling in your gut was a very legitimate threat. Between his breath ghosting over your wet, marked skin, and the incessant movement of his knee pressed against your core, your composure was quickly slipping. It had been a long time since you’d actually been intimate with someone, but beyond that, you hadn’t so much as touched yourself in months.

You melted against the wall under Sebastian’s persistent attention, mewling softly when he undid the last button on your shirt to immediately begin kneading your breasts. The chill of the cabin swept over you for all of a second before you felt him take one of your pert nipples between his fingers to twist it gently, and then a hot flush was creeping down your bare chest. You writhed in his hold at the feeling, your hands flying up to claw at his neck when he shamelessly branded you under your jaw, and your shallow panting made Sebastian’s head spin with barely contained need– he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out his teasing for very long. 

“Merlin, you’re so fucking sensitive. How long have you been waiting to have me touch you like this, hm?” 

Sebastian let go of your breasts to remove your arms from around him, but before you could voice your displeasure, he had pinned your wrists overhead with one hand against the wall, graciously sweeping his eyes down your exposed front. His free hand came up to cradle your jaw, gently angling your face to the side so he could take in his handy work. The bright, fresh hickeys that now lined the column of your throat catered deeply to the primitive part of him that demanded he stake his claim on you any way he could. 

You watched as Sebastian ate you alive with his eyes, his hooded gaze darkening immeasurably further when you shifted so that his knee was nestled right where you wanted it, dragging a soft exhale from your kiss-swollen lips, and fuck– his fantasies couldn’t hold a damn candle to the real thing.

With a rough growl, Sebastian pulled your arms off the wall and hauled you against his chest, and you had the good grace to wrap your trembling legs around his slender waist to aid him in carrying you from the living room. His fingers dug into the small of your back when he kicked the door to the bedroom open, tenderly kissing your temple right before he was tossing you down on the sheets. 

“You’re wearing way too much clothing for my liking,” you groused up at him, eyeing at how he palmed himself through the tenting fabric between his legs. 

He flashed you a smirk, dragging his hand up to the catch of his pants before he hummed, “Mm, guess it would be a shame to soil my new wardrobe.”

“Wait–” you sat up and scrambled to the edge of the mattress, placing your hands over his to halt him in place. “Let me.”

Sebastian’s vision flashed white when you peered up at him through your lashes, his cock making its interest in that option very apparent. He swallowed and nodded, pulling his hands away to let you undress him. Unlike him, you didn’t waste any time; your nimble fingers slipped under the waistband of both his trousers and briefs, and then you were tugging both sets of attire down his thighs. You let him help by shucking everything away so he could step out of the material freely, and then you were openly taking in the sight of his impressive length. 

Sebastian was big– moreover, he was completely hard, the swollen head of his glistening cock already leaking small beads of precum. You hummed pensively, considering the task before you as you took him in your fist and gave him a good, firm stroke, with a fucking perfect twist around the head that drew a moan from him that he had no chance of biting back. The sound imbued you with renewed confidence, watching him with heated eyes as you gently angled the head against your soft, plush lips. 

When you began pressing featherlight kisses to the tip, Sebastian couldn’t stop himself from shivering. You smiled at the feeling as you dragged your mouth slowly down the side of his shaft, using your hands to rub and stroke him in the areas you overlooked as you savored the taste of him on your tongue. 

It was taking every drop of willpower in Sebastian’s body not to grab your hair and start fucking your face, but he forced himself to keep his hands at his side and enjoy the sensation of you mouthing wetly against him. The sight of you on your knees in front of him, eagerly hunching forward to grasp as much of him as you could in your smaller hands, made the self-restraint worth it. 

When your tongue came to flick at his soaked slit, Sebastian twitched, and then your mouth was sealing over the sensitive head and you were sucking, wet and messy and so fucking perfect, and Sebastian’s head tipped back, breathing a series of broken little whimpers into the empty air. 

“Fuck,” he managed to grit through clenched teeth, his stomach tensing beneath his shirt. “Fuck, darling, fucking hell–” 

You sucked him down further, flattening your tongue to press deliciously to the underside of his length at the same time you hummed, and Sebastian choked out a stuttered moan as his hands finally flew to your hair. The sharp sting made you wince slightly, but you relished in the scrape of his nails along your scalp, and then you were letting him pull you further onto his cock until the head hit the back of your throat. 

There was no helping your strangled, choking sound, but you fought through the urge to pull away, instead swallowing around him, and Sebastian swore nothing born of this Earth could possibly be this amazing. 

His mind was spinning in fucking circles as you let him thrust into your warm, inviting mouth for as long as you were able to take it. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, and you felt them run down your cheeks to intermingle with your spit-slick mouth. The growing ache between your legs was bordering on unbearable at this point, and you shamelessly dropped one of your hands to your clothed cunt to press against yourself through the fabric. 

Sebastian groaned at the sight of you touching yourself with his cock spearing into your mouth, and when you lifted your eyes to stare up at him from way down below, he nearly came then and there from your appearance. 

In a flash, Sebastian was pulling you off of him with a strangled grunt, thick strands of spit and pre-cum sinfully dangling between your lips and his throbbing member. “Fuck– f-feels too damn good– I don’t want to finish yet.” 

Your chest heaved as you greedily sucked down gulps of air, gazing up at Sebastian through hooded, fucked-out eyes that brought him to his knees before you to slip your unbuttoned shirt over the bruised curve of your shoulders. It fell away, leaving your upper half completely exposed to him now, and he hungrily traced his hands down the supple rise of your breasts before pushing you back against the covers. 

When Sebastian tugged your pants away, he may as well have ripped them off with the intensity he exhibited. You were flushing darkly from your head all the way to your toes– all that separated you from him now was your thin cotton underwear, but not for long. Those long, freckled fingers had looped under the material, coyly dragging it down your goosebump riddled thighs before slipping it over your feet and tossing it over his shoulder. 

Sebastian stood to his full height to begin unbuttoning his own shirt, and the dark material contrasted beautifully against his pale complexion. As the buttons fell away, you got your first glimpse of his bare chest since reuniting with him, only to discover there were raised, jagged scars that ran across his pecs and along his ribs. Your brows slammed down and your stomach dropped at the sight, and Sebastian paused as he took in your reaction to the markings. 

“What happened?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, but the hoarseness to it was apparent.

Following the strained bob of his adam’s apple, you watched as he continued to remove his top with a sureness that, at the very least, told you he wasn’t in any pain. “There’s plenty of other things to watch out for in Azkaban, not just the Dementors,” he replied vaguely with a shockingly unbothered tone.

Despite his casual demeanor and the nonchalant way he continued to strip himself down to nothing, you couldn’t fight the rising wave of guilt that threatened to pull you under. It was another reminder of what you’d done to him–

“Stop it.” 

Your eyes jumped from his chest back to his dark gaze, and he was shaking his head at you in a scolding manner. “I can see exactly what you’re thinking, and this isn’t your fault. Don’t even try apologizing again.” 

Your mouth opened and closed fitfully, the words you wanted to say dying on your tongue before you could voice them, and you sighed. But then Sebastian was shrugging his shirt off his shoulders, letting the material flutter to the floor unceremoniously before he began to crawl towards you, caging your body beneath his own. With him laying on top of you this way, his long legs draped lazily in between yours, you were able to ground yourself a bit more and shake the negativity from your mind. 

Maybe he didn’t want you saying sorry, but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t still show him how apologetic you were. Your hands flew to his cheeks, pulling his lips to yours with a tenacity that rivaled the strength of a Graphorn. Sebastian let you, shamelessly enjoying the mixed taste of himself on your sweet lips until the urge to move was overwhelming him, and he shifted in his spot between your sprawled legs to grind his achingly hard shaft between your soaked folds. 

You moaned into his mouth, utterly adoring the friction his movements provided your neglected cunt, and you began tracing up his lithely muscled shoulders, ghosting your touch down his back where you felt the angular curve of his shoulder blades and more raised scars beneath your fingertips. 

Sebastian kept himself supported on the arm draped beside your head, playing with the unruly strands of your hair until you were mewling and sighing against his lips, and then his other hand was trailing down to your slick heat to swipe through the wetness pooling there. 

He chuckled darkly as you rocked your hips into his hand with a needy whine, your nails digging into the skin of his back. “Mm, Sebastian–” 

“Want something, darling?” 

You were breathless as he probed your entrance with one of his slender digits, then tensing and writhing under him when he pulled his finger away tauntingly. “Fucking– yes, please. T-touch me, please.” 

The way he cocked his head to the side with that smug look on his face made your head spin with indignant need. “But I am touching you. I’m afraid I don’t understand.” 

As though to punctuate the claim, he trailed his hand higher, pressing down on your bundle of nerves in a way that had you damn near bucking up to chase his touch. A keening sound resonated from your chest, and if looks could kill, Sebastian would have dropped dead on top of you in an instant from your icy glare. 

 Your voice trembled with barely contained need as you begged, “I want your fingers inside of me. I want your cock inside of me– please, I can’t wait anymore Sebastian, please fuck me–”

Sebastian cut you off with the sudden thrust of a finger breaching your walls, and your head kicked back with a sharp cry of his name as he began steadily working the appendage deeper, willing you to relax for him. He found a steady pace, pumping into you easily as you melted under his attention, your hips writhing back for more after a few heated seconds. 

Obliging you with a second finger, Sebastian sealed his mouth over a random patch of skin above your breast, the salt of your skin clinging to his lips as he started to nibble and suck in a bid to gently mark you further. He kept your tight heat spread open as you arched and shuddered beneath him, and as nice as the image was, what was really getting to him were the gorgeous sounds falling from your swollen lips. 

After two years without hearing it, Sebastian decidedly had a thing for your voice, but knowing how it sounded when it was hitched and raspy, forming shaky, insistent moans of his name… shit. Sebastian groaned softly, nipping at the blossoming hickey on your chest before he was curling his fingers up and firmly pressing the pad of his thumb against your clit so deliciously, it left you breathless. 

The effect his efforts have on you were incredible. Your hips were arching off the bed, head thrown back into the pillows with a choked moan, and Sebastian followed you easily despite all of your brainless writhing. 

“F-fuck, fuck, Sebastian,” you whined, your voice loud and spectacular, especially with the way it shook as you seemingly got closer to losing it. All you could do was cling to Sebastian, both hands clutching desperately at his shoulders, his neck, and then your fingers were tangling in his long hair so aggressively, the sting had his cock twitching against your leg. 

You were positively wrecked already– gorgeously so– with your eyes glazed and unfocused, your lips parting freely around lyrical moans and mindless praises alike, and your cries of his name came more and more frequently as he curled and pressed his fingers within you. His patience was beginning to run out, though, as his painfully stiff cock continued to rut shamelessly against your thigh. 

“What do you think, darling? Are you ready for me?” 

Your eyes cracked open slightly, forcing a few deep, rattling breaths into your lungs as Sebastian lessened his ministrations against your core. You’d been so caught up in the building euphoria of your orgasm that you had completely forgotten it wasn’t even his cock making you crumble apart. “Y-Yeah. Been ready since you threw me against the wall…”

Sebastian chuckled at that, rewarding you with a deep, sensual kiss that made your toes curl. He peppered light kisses to the array of bruises he had worked into your skin thus far before sitting back on his heels, withdrawing his fingers from your pulsing heat. You whined softly at the loss, but then you felt Sebastian’s hands curl around your thighs to haul you down the covers so you were flush to his hips, and the luxurious feeling of him rubbing against your slick arousal was enough to have you wriggling back for more. 

You were boneless in Sebastian’s hands as he looped his arms under your knees, angling your legs over his shoulders so that he could see all of you as he lined himself up with your entrance. A thrill of excitement sparked through you at the more insistent presses of the brunet’s incredibly solid cock against you. The first firm roll of Sebastian’s hips pulled shaky gasps from both of you as the thick head breached your walls, slick and tight and warm, and Sebastian couldn’t help the breathless moan of your name that fell from his lips then. 

“Fuck, you feel amazing, darling– Merlin– you’re so warm, shit.” He leaned forward to plunge himself further into you, taking care to grind slowly after each small, shallow thrust. Your shaky breaths filled the space between the two of you as Sebastian rocked his hips steadily against your ass, everything he had done to prepare you paying off in the form of you taking his cock perfectly, letting him slide deeper with every short plunge of his hips. 

Sebastian kept up his patient, easy rhythm, sliding his hands along the sensitive skin of your inner thighs to simultaneously tease you and hold you more firmly in place. You let out a long, whimpering moan, your eyes squeezing shut as Sebastian finally bottomed out, and you savored in the marvelous feeling of being filled by him. 

“How’s it feel, love?” Sebastian asked quietly, lowering his head a bit more to nudge his nose against your sweat-slick forehead. The kiss he pressed there soothed you further, and the way you sighed and melted further was proof enough that Sebastian was doing well. “Is it too much?” 

“Fuck no,” you groaned, your voice breaking slightly, but you were way too scatter-brained to care. You were completely enveloped by Sebastian in the best possible ways, the initial sting of the thick stretch vanishing entirely with his gentle grinding. “Gods, Sebastian,” you gasped, your lashes fluttering open to make dazed eye contact with your freckled lover. “You’re so big, f-feels so good…” 

Sebastian groaned, mouthing wetly against the smooth curve of your knee draped over his shoulder, and when he sank his teeth into the sensitive flesh there, you responded with a keening moan from low in your throat. 

He wasn’t pulling out far before he was smoothly rolling his hips back in, setting an achingly slow pace to start with. The way you felt around him was euphoric, your body quaking in time to Sebastian’s steady, languid thrusts. His bruising grip on your thighs had you panting and squirming back against his cock, musing your hair wildly beneath you, and your hands fisted in the covers in a bid to find purchase. 

“You’re perfect,” Sebastian moaned his praises into the crook of your leg, increasing the intensity of his thrusts when he felt you arching towards him, the head of his cock brushing deeper and harder. “You’re so fucking perfect– I love you, darling– I never stopped loving you.” 

Your denied release from earlier came roaring to life in the pit of your gut as you felt Sebastian’s cock graze over your sweet spot, wanton moans spilling from your lips as you clawed at the sheets and gasped breathlessly. “Sebastian– fuck, I l-love you, I love you so much–” His hips snapped against your ass sharply at your mindless confession, and your lips parted around a pleading cry for more, overwhelmed tears pricking at your clenched eyes as Sebastian obliged you. 

With a throaty growl, Sebastian released your legs from his ironclad grip, letting them fall limply against the bed so he could lower himself to snake his arms around your waist and arch you towards him, ramming his cock into you with blinding precision that made you wail his name shamelessly. 

“S-Sebastian, please, please– just like that–” you ground your hips back onto your lover, thighs trembling from how good Sebastian fucked you, filling you up deep and rough and just right. The way he dug his fingers into the skin of your waist to slam you back down into his relentless thrusts only served to add fuel to the growing fire in your core, leaving you a sloppy, gasping, pleading mess underneath him. 

The two of you were holding on by barely there threads, your looming orgasms building, and you knew Sebastian was close when he buried his head in the crook of your shoulder to pant loudly against your skin. Your arms flew around his neck, clinging to him desperately as you rutted against him, wordlessly urging him to take what he wanted– to finally let go. 

Sebastian came with a brutal cry of your name, his rough pumping transforming into sensual, deep grinding, and he hurriedly brought one of his hands to your clit to rub tight, demanding circles against you. The combined feeling of his cock emptying inside of you and the perfect stimulation from his fingers brought you clean over the edge with him, your nails sinking into his skin and leaving angry welts in their wake as you sobbed in ecstasy. 

Thoroughly spent, the two of you stayed intertwined for what seemed like hours, but realistically couldn’t have been longer than a few minutes. Sebastian continued to slowly rock his hips into you long after the two of you had come down, until your overstimulated twitches and moans prompted him to gently slide out of your dripping folds, swallowing thickly when he lifted his head to rake over your prone form. 

Your half-hooded gaze fixed on Sebastian as he tenderly trailed his hands up over your breasts, ghosting over the trail of love-bites and scratches that now decorated your sternum. His thumb swept up the vulnerable apex of your throat to angle your flushed lips towards his mouth. The kiss held a thousand promises that neither one of you cared to voice in the moment, and you let him nudge you up towards the headboard before he gathered you securely in his arms. 

“Thank you.” Sebastian whispered into the top of your head after a few minutes of pleasant silence. You were tucked comfortably against his chest, his arm wrapped around you as he traced tiny shapes and patterns along the curve of your spine. You had been lightly trailing your fingers over the plethora of scars that lined his chest, committing the feeling of each one to memory, but his words made you pause. 

“I can’t say I’ve ever been thanked for sex before,” you murmured against his side, and your head jostled when he laughed softly. 

“Don’t be stupid– although, yes, definitely thank you for the sex. But I meant ‘thank you’ for everything else.” 

Your lips pressed into a hard line, but you forced yourself to keep your tone light hearted when you replied. “Don’t go thanking me too soon. We haven’t even made it out of Ministry territory yet– ow!” 

You flinched away from his pinching fingers against your back, the sharp sting throbbing to life– and though it wasn’t a severe pain in the slightest, you craned your head back to glare at him. 

His dark eyes sparkled with amusement and an underlying fondness that instantly cooled your temper. “Is it so hard for you to just say ‘you’re welcome, Sebastian’ and kiss me?” 

The laugh that bubbled from your throat was like music to Sebastian’s ears, and he realized dimly that it was the first time he had heard it in over two years. He never wanted to stop hearing it, and he vowed to himself then that he would spend every day of the rest of his life trying to make you feel that kind of joy.

“Is that it? If that’s all you wanted, you only needed to ask.” 

Sebastian tugged you closer, lazily sweeping his broad hand over the small of your back to press you into him as his lips captured yours in a dizzying kiss. It melted away your lingering tension, and you ran your fingers through his disheveled hair, pushing the overgrown locs out of his face delicately. The fodness in the action had him sighing against your lips, and nothing in this lifetime would ever compare to this moment here with you. 

“I love you,” he said, and you cracked your eyes open to see him staring at you with a deeply profound expression. “I meant what I said earlier– I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” 

Warmth blossomed in your chest, and you managed to flash him a watery smile before sappy tears were running down your cheeks despite your best efforts. “Me too. I’ve always loved you, Sebastian, and I always will. For as long as you’ll have me.” 

“How’s forever sound? I have no plans to leave your side anytime soon. That should give us plenty of time to figure out what comes next.”

He stole your lips again, never breaking away as he rolled himself over to cage you completely beneath his taller frame. It was an impassioned kiss, full of desire and desperation, and all you could do was kiss him back with equal fervor, mirroring his wants. 

Any concerns drifted from your minds as the two of you got lost in the newfound versions of yourselves, taking exceptional care throughout the night to commit every new thing about the other to memory. The moment held promise for the future— for what you now knew you could have with Sebastian, and you swore to yourself then that you would fight with everything in you to protect this second chance. The Ministry would have to pry Sebastian from your cold, dead hands.

No matter what was to come, your heart felt lighter knowing that the two of you would face it together. 

[the-lighthouse-lit]

BBRae Week Day 4: “You’re burning up”

Length: 1,639 words

Rating: K

Excerpt:

But she was left wondering what if she’d hurried. Taken him up on that date, been a little warmer, trusted a little faster. If she’d made herself important to him a little quicker, maybe he wouldn’t have cared when his ex came calling again.

She’d just thought she had a little more time.

@bbraeweek24 📣

───

Raven’s hands laid idly over the keyboard. In front of her was the catalogue of new arrivals, but her eyes were on Garfield past her monitor. He looked at her stricken, like he hadn’t been the one to say the words.

The, “I’m probably moving away… at the end of the month, or something.”

It was nine twenty in a fucking Tuesday. Raven had been eying the growing pile of books on the reshelving pile and giving herself strength to load them up and file them back in their places, and generally prepping herself to get through a particularly miserable day of work, when he’d come in.

And usually his presence was enough to turn her morning for the better, not that she was admitting that yet. So when he’d come in, it hadn’t immediately registered with her how serious he’d looked—she wasn’t in her best frame of mind herself. She’d been waiting for him to notice she was off and ask what’s wrong. It didn’t click that today was different until he started talking.

“I’m… my ex, actually, contacted me, and… she wants to make things work. And I want that too. So…”

His hands opened and closed as he strived to explain—that he was moving for her, that she had a place in Bloomington and she was getting him a job there. The movement made her think how she’d never held his hand. It would’ve been unprofessional here, in front of the patrons of the library, and they’d never gotten out to that date he kept floating. And now they never would.

She nudged her keyboard to be centered on her desk, pulled up a random tab on her computer, like she did when she really got to work in front of him on any normal day, while talked about anything across for her. Today his worried stare burned her like it never did when that was the case.

“The ex you mentioned,” she said, for something to say.

His eyes widened a little. “I mentioned her,” he remarked, almost a question.

“The one who left to travel the world?”

It was funny how a story he’d told her to explain why he’d moved here, and consequentially come into her life, now became the reason he was leaving it.

She had to suppress a shiver. A gust of wind filtered through the cracks in the window, the kind of change in the atmosphere she wouldn’t normally notice. She’d been about to get her jacket when he’d come in.

“Yes. Her,” he admitted. Clearly, thought Raven, she’d been in his mind more than even he realized.

And then a stretch of silence.

She could’ve gone, ‘Why are you telling me this?’ She could’ve forced him to say it. But she didn’t feel like drawing it out. In fact, she felt like letting him right off the hook. “So I guess you won’t be coming around anymore.”

His explaining hand dropped, with hopelessness, but also possibly with some relief, she thought. “I’m sorry.”

The simple confirmation brought on a fresh wave of nausea she thought she’d curbed this morning when she’d skipped breakfast in favor of plain tea. She took a deep breath before she started loading the books to reshelf onto the cart.

She told herself she was being ridiculous. You couldn’t get your heart broken from a guy you’d only known a few months. She bet if she did the math she’d find she had known him for less than that.

He’d come into the library by accident the first time. He’d been looking for some store that sold rare video games memorabilia, that Google Maps swore should be next door.

She couldn’t get him out of the library fast enough that first day. She’d fought him on the fact that there had never been such a store next door, and it was pure bravado on her part: the truth was Raven didn’t know the neighborhood, just this library. She got on a bus in the morning and rode fifteen minutes to this part of town she hadn’t bothered to get to know yet.

When it turned out the store had recently changed locations, and Gar found out about it, he’d come back to the library to tell her about it. Then he’d kept finding reasons to come in. He had never hid that he kept coming back to talk to her. He was new in town, he said, and he could use a friend. She had always wondered if he could somehow tell she had no friends here either.

And now it was back to the real world for her. Back to her thoughts being hers and hers alone. Back to closing up what he’d been prying open slowly over the course of weeks. Why had she got so used to having him here?

Just like all the others, the thought snuck into her brain before she could check it. It was weakness of character to think on those terms—like her life was organized by some dire prophecy that dictated she should always wind up alone again, but it really did seem that way. Nothing good seem to last.

“I couldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t try to make it work,” Gar was saying now. “...I didn’t know how it would feel to see her again.” At that point she made an effort to tune him out.

Her heart thumped against her chest as she fixed the books neatly on the cart. It was hard to breathe, but then, it had been all morning. It didn’t have to be about him.

He was just a guy who’d made a friend at a town he’d lived in for a while, and she was just a lonely librarian who was being notified she’d no longer have that hyper blond distraction in her day to day.

But she was left wondering what if she’d hurried. Taken him up on that date, been a little warmer, trusted a little faster. If she’d made herself important to him a little quicker, maybe he wouldn’t have cared when his ex came calling again.

She’d just thought she had a little more time.

She shivered. This proved too much and he could finally see what was in front of him. Suddenly she was feeling his touch on her forehead: a warm hand connecting with her hot forehead, erupting into her cold morning. She slapped his hand away, but not before he’d felt it.

“You’re burning up.”

She was so, so angry—the feeling had taken over her before her mind parsed the reason why: it was the first time he touched her, and it was just as he was leaving her life.

“It’s just a cold,” she spat. And she faced him defiantly. She hoped her eyes said it: ‘Why would you care? It’s not your problem anymore.’

She was red in the face from wrath, but ironically it supported the fever he’d discovered: it was like he’d made her sprung into color with his touch, brought out all the symptoms she was struggling to keep at bay. It enraged her because it exposed her: no carefree guy on a random visit to the library reached out to feel the forehead of an uncared-for librarian. With a move he’d uncovered everything she’d tried to bury.

She looked away from his useless contrite expression, which she assumed he kept on her as long as he stood in front of her—all the way until a patron coming up behind him forced him to step aside.

The teenage girl smiled at the librarian, oblivious, as she returned two books and checked another one out.

Out of the corner of her eyes Raven saw Gar had stepped aside, and now made as if he was looking at the books on the front desk. She was annoyed—maybe if the girl had only come a moment later, he could’ve taken his leave. Now they had to wait out the whole transaction, and for what? He was leaving anyway.

Inside her was some vindication, and she dug to find out why; she guessed it was because she’d made him say his piece before he noticed she was sick. If he’d noticed before, he might not have said it. She didn’t know why that made her feel better, but she’d take it.

She would get over him and the cold together, she told herself: when in a few days her lungs were clear and she felt strong again, she wouldn’t remember how he made the world feel. She willed it to be true.

When the girl left, Garfield still stood by. Raven put her hands on the cart. She knew if she left now, he’d be there when she came back, and the thought made anger mount inside her again.

Why was he here, and why was she here? He was going back to his ex, and now she knew that. Why were they lingering?

Now, as she began to push the cart, she faced him at the last second and said, “Well…” a sign of finality, a final snapping of the feeble cord that united them.

And when she said it she found out why neither of them were making the cut.

His eyes met hers, and she felt like she’d brought forth a catastrophe. She wished she could take it back.

But he obeyed. He left the book he’d picked up and left, sparing her the humiliation of another ‘Sorry.’ She followed his steps out of the library, as it may well be the last time she saw him.

She couldn’t wait for him to leave and she never wanted him to finish crossing that door. But in the end he did.

When she went to refile the books, she decided not to pick up her jacket, so that she may pretend a little longer that the feeling she was left with was just cold.

───

Notes:

NO idea if I I did what I envisioned in my mind with this one (probably not) but here it is! 😔 This one seems like a thing I would've left in my files for months and eventually rewritten completely but fuck it! Out it comes now!

I’m late but I have an excuse! A thunderstorm forced me to flee my computer after work yesterday and I didn't want to post without a last read-over!😁

[cowboybarzy]

unexpected part 3 — mat barzal

tbh I didn’t realize how popular this was with you guys which is why I didn’t hurry to write this next part. but if y’all really love it and give me your thoughts (& even ideas on how to continue) I’m definitely willing to write more!!

word count: 4k

I’m just gonna make this part of my summer series bc they did travel and it gives me an excuse (to literally my brain lol) to post this part now! an insta edit will follow shortly! come along the rest of the trip

📍vancouver, canada with mat barzal this is part of the unexpected series, so if you want to see how we got to this point, read PART ONE and TWO

June

"Sshh, sshh. It's okay, it's okay." Mat's soft voice woke you from a short, but deep sleep. You turned as your eyes fluttered open to see him sat up against the headboard soothing your baby girl. "I'm here. You're okay."

Your hand reached up to cradle her tiny head. "She might be hungry. What time is it?"

"Almost four. It hasn't been that long since you last fed her. But look, she's already falling back asleep." His smile grew and you sat up as well to see her eyes slowly closing. "She's so cute."

"She is." You kissed her head and then leaned against Mat's shoulder. "And so big. One month already."

"It went by so fast. I don't want her to grow up."

The last month since you baby girl, Myla, was born was the most stressful and tiring but also the most beautiful and exciting time. The new sleeping schedule was difficult to adjust to and your recovery was harder than expected. People really should talk about it more. But getting to experience both you and Mat become parents and your baby explore the world was indescribable. She already outgrew her newborn sized clothes and loved being awake looking around the room. She loved sleeping in her stroller while you took her on walks, where you and Mat stopped to get ice cream or coffee. Both of your families had come to visit, too, and of course all of your friends. They loved her and you were so grateful for the amazing support system.

Mat's season had ended a couple of days after Myla's birth, but not after his birthday which you unfortunately had to spend apart. But he was home now and took such good care of the both of you. Although the three of you did spend a lot of time in bed, you made it a goal to go outside for walks at least a few times a week. Your family didn't live far so they were able to visit and you even went to visit them a few times when you felt brave enough to leave the house.

"Oh, my god!" Mats voice brought you back to consciousness. You hadn't realized you were falling back asleep on his shoulder until his voice brought you back.

"What?"

"She pooped. Did you not hear that? That was gr– Oh! Ew! Babe, it's leaking out." He started panicking, then gagged as he held her away from his body. "What do I do? What do I do?"

You laughed, falling back into the pillows as you watched him struggle for what his next move should be. "Babe! This is so gross! Help me!"

"Well, go change her!" You watched him, still laughing, as he carried her with extended arms, trying not to gag again. "It doesn't even smell. There's only one baby in this room and it's not her."

He started undressing her, groaning from the mess she had made. "Oh my god, it's everywhere. How? How is her stomach so big to hold that much?"

You got up to see for yourself, making sure beforehand to take a video of Mat trying to handle this situation. "Yeah, we should give her a bath. That is pretty bad."

"It's the middle of the night!"

"So? She's dirty." You laughed patting him on the shoulder. "Welcome to parenthood."

At one month old, babies couldn't laugh yet, but the noises she made could definitely count as it. So you prepped her bathtub. She was small enough to do it in the sink, so it didn't take long to fill the tub with the right temperature water. When Mat put her in, she started screaming. She hated baths for the most part, but unfortunately she had to get through it. She calmed down after a while, enjoying the little massage you were giving her to get her clean. Mat put his arm around you and kissed the top of your head.

"You know, a year ago I definitely would not have imagined us doing this at 4 a.m., but I wouldn't change it for the world."

July

"Ugh, she's so cute."

"So adorable."

"Her little nose. And those cheeks."

"I love her so much," you said, not being able to look up from where your daughter was sleeping in her stroller. You stood around her with Mat's sister and mother, just staring at her. You were supposed to go on a walk to go get lunch, but for some reason (a very cute and sleeping reason) you still hadn't left yet.

"Me, too. Watch out I might steel her," Liana said jokingly. She hugged you tightly. "Thank you for making me an auntie. I thought I'd have to wait for years."

"You almost had to." You didn't want to call your daughter an accident, because she truly was a blessing, but let's not pretend you were trying to become parents. You both tried to contain your laughs, as their mother was right there.

"Okay, let's go," Nadia broke you two up and took ahold of the stroller, before walked out of the house. You followed her, Liana fighting her mother for the right to push the stroller.

A couple days ago, Mat, Myla, and you made it up to Vancouver to spend a few weeks with his family. Myla just turned two months a few days ago and you finally felt comfortable enough to fly with her. A lot of family and friends came over to see her, but things had finally calmed down a bit.

"So, any wedding plans?," Liana asked, after you had made it to the restaurant and the food arrived.

You raised your eyebrows, a small laugh escaping. "How long have you been waiting to ask me that?" She laughed. "Since last time!" And that was about a year ago when you had told her you were pregnant. Mat shut her down immediately, saying you'd wait until after she was born. "Well...?"

"I don't know," you answered. "We haven't really thought about it."

"Oh, come on. You need to get married! For her and for me!" You laughed and her mother elbowed her. "What? I know it's selfish, but please! It would be the most beautiful wedding, I just know it."

She started gushing about her dream wedding for you, detailing everything from flowers to venue to table cloths. Her mother chimed in, equally as excited about the idea. Normally you would have been too, but for some reason the idea of a big wedding didn't seem exciting to you anymore.

And that's what you told Mat later that night when you were ready to go to sleep while feeding Myla. "Your sister, well and mom, are already making wedding plans, just so you know."

He rolled his eyes. "How many times have I told them it's none of their business?"

Myla was done eating, so you handed her over to Mat so he could burp her. "It's fine. It was kind of fun to talk about and see everything we could come up with. But funnily enough, all my life I've dreamed of a big wedding like that, even just a few months ago I would have agreed to it. But now, I don't know, I don't really want that anymore."

"Really?" You looked up at his green eyes.

"Yeah, I don't know. I'd rather have a small thing, with just family and our closest friends. And baby Myla of course."

"That sounds good to me." He leaned to kiss your forehead with a smile and cradled your baby's head.

"Wanna get married? Might as well, we already have a kid." You said it with a laughing tone, expecting him to laugh as well or brush the topic off like you had done since he first asked you about getting married. But he didn't. He jumped out of bed, put Myla in her bassinet, and left the room.

You sat there, shocked. You didn't expect that reaction as well. You were serious about getting married. A couple weeks after Myla had been born you realized that you were being silly before. Of course you wanted to marry him and you knew that he loved you and didn't stay with your just before the baby.

Thankfully, before you could process what just happened, Mat came back and sat back down next to you. "I'm the one that gets to ask that question!," he said, which is when you noticed the little red box in his hand. You mouth opened in shock. Now that, you definitely also didn't expect. "What? You really think I didn't got out and get you a ring after you said no the first time? Please, you can't get rid of me."

"Mat..." He smiled, cupping your cheeks with his big hands before kissing you softly.

"Baby? Do you want to marry me? I don't care about the big wedding anymore either. We literally could go down to city hall tomorrow and do it there. I don't care. I just want you and baby Myla. Now will you please do me the honor of not rejecting me for the millionth time and finally saying yes to being my wife?"

"You are such a jerk," you said as the tears rolled down your face. You were still pretty hormonal and you had a feeling it wouldn't go away. "But yes, I'll marry you."

"Finally." He pressed his lips against yours for a deep kiss that had you falling back against the mattress. But you couldn't fully enjoy the moment for very long, before baby Myla made herself known. You got her out and held her in your arms, soothing her, while Mat held you close to his body pressing tiny kissed against your head.

"Ok, let me see the ring," you whispered when your baby girl calmed and started drifting into sleep. Mat opened the box with a chuckle, as your moth fell open.

"Like it?" You nodded and held your hand out for him to slip the ring on. While it didn't fit as well as it would have pre-pregnancy, at least you were assured that it wouldn't randomly fall off. "Kind is weird that we're doing this at my parents house, but I'll take what I can get. It's your fault though."

"Wha- Why?"

"I was scared as hell to propose to you again. I didn't want to be rejected again."

"Mat, I didn't reject you. I just– I didn't want to get married while pregnant." He cupped your face again with a chuckle.

"I know, I know. I'm just joking." He kissed you over and over again, until you realized that Myla was asleep and you could put her back in her bed.

Mat pulled you on his chest as you both laid down. "Wait, were you kidding about city hall tomorrow?," you asked, keeping your voice low.

"Not really. You wanna do it?" You looked up at him and shrugged.

"Kind of." You both smiled wide. "But wait, no. My family. I want them there."

"Okay, well we could ask them to come here? Or would you rather wait and do it back in New York?"

"Here is good." You fell in love with Vancouver the minute you got out of the airport the first time you came, so getting married here was not an issue for you. "Yeah, I'll just ask my family and some friends if and when they'd be available to come up."

"Okay. We can just invite people and whoever can make it, can make it. If not, then we can always have another little something in New York." You nodded, excitement filling your body.

"But if we're inviting a bunch of people, we can't do it at city hall."

"There's lots of parks and venues around here."

"Or your parents back yard?" You both thought about it for a second, then Mat smiled.

"Yeah, i think they'd be cool with that."

You both giggled excitedly, then he pulled you fully on top of him. "Are we seriously getting married in a few days?"

"Unless you don't want to," you responded.

"You are never ever getting rid of me."

August 2nd

It was wedding day. After a crazy busy 10 days, the day was finally here.

When you had told Mat's family the news the day after you got engaged, they were very excited. His sister screamed so loud, she scared the baby but you couldn't go soothe her since she had you trapped in a massive bear hug. She immediately started planning and listing everything you would need. Everyone was involved in making flowers arrangements, cooking and baking for the party, and getting the house ready to host a wedding.

Your family got to Vancouver a few days before the wedding, also helping greatly. Once your best friends arrived as well, it was time to shop for a dress. While there wasn't much so last minute, you found the perfect simple little dress that you absolutely fell in love with. You even found a little white dress for Myla at a baby store near by.

"Thank you so much for coming." You hugged Sydney Martin tight, then her husband.

"Wouldn't miss this for the world." She smiled and you hugged her again. She had been very supportive and your closest friend during your pregnancy. Since she'd already been through it twice, and none of your friends had experience in that department, you spent a lot of time together. You were so grateful for her and were very thankful she could make it to your wedding.

While both you and Mat felt bad about getting married so last minute and therefore not having all of your friends present, having the ceremony now did feel right to the both of you. And that was all that mattered. And even still with short notice, a lot more of your friends than you expected could make it. With Mat's family, yours and your friends, your guest count was almost up to 50. So lots of people to celebrate your love, but still more intimate than a big wedding you almost had.

You spent the morning of you wedding setting up the tables and decorating everything. Around two, guests started arriving and since you treated this as more of a party, you had time to greet most everybody before having to get ready.

"Alright, time to get dressed." Liana came walking and grabbed your hand.

"Wait." Before she had a chance to pull you away, you turned to Mat to give him a kiss. He reciprocated with a smile. "See you on the other side."

"Love you." He winked, then slapped your ass, before turning back to his friend group.

You made another pit stop to grab your daughter from her grandparents to have her with you while you got ready. Your makeup base was done so all you added was some eyeshadow and eyeliner, while your best friend did your hair. Another friend made sure to take lots of pictures and videos of your day. You fed Myla one more time before handing her back off to your mom, who was going to watch her today so you and Mat could enjoy the day without worrying about her. Then it was time to put on your dress.

"Aw, babe, you look gorgeous."

"Stun-ning!"

Your closest girlfriends friends quickly came to hug and admire you, before posing for a few more pictures.

"Okay! Go time!" Liana, who basically acted as your wedding planner, called when it turned three o'clock. She pulled you into a quick hug. "Ready?"

You nodded, already on the verge of tears when reality started hitting you. You were about to marry your best friend.

"Good, because I am so ready to have you as my sister-in-law." She kissed your cheek and then started getting everyone ready and into position. You kissed your sleeping daughter one last time, then followed everyone downstairs to the backyard, where you were holding the ceremony and party.

Through the windows, you could see the garden beautifully decorated and everybody sitting outside waiting for it to start. You could also see Mat, standing below the flower arch at the end of the aisle, with his best friend and best man Anthony standing next to him as they talked and joked around.

Your mom walked out to find her seat and as soon as Mat saw Myla sleeping in her arms, his eyes lit up. He took her from your mom, gently as to not wake her, and pressed tiny kisses to her chubby cheeks. Your eyes got watery again, watching them and knowing that the overwhelming happiness you felt right now would not go away anytime soon.

The music got a bit louder which was your cue to head outside. Your bridesmaids walked before you, down the shirt aisle you had just helped built this morning. Then you followed, slowly, scared to trip, but not too slow as you were eager to get to Mat.

Mathew. Who looked even more handsome than you though possible, standing at the end of the aisle with that wide goofy grin of his. As you got closer though, you could see his eyes sparkling with tears.

"You look beautiful," he mouthed and stretched his hand out for you to take. You took it, immediately feeling calmer. You looked over to where Myla was sleeping in her carrier and with a reassuring nod from your mom that she was alright, you turned your full attention back to Mat.

And Anthony who in addition to being best man was also officiating your wedding. Over the past few years that you've known Beau, he also became one of your closest friends and you couldn't be happier to have him as Mylas goddaughter and now here to marry your number one best friend.

For the entirety of the ceremony, you felt like you were in a bubble. Only Mat and you. Holding hands. "When I look at the time we've been together,

I always have a smile on my face. Through all the ups and downs we've been through, the one thing that has remained constant is my love for you. The love I feel for you has gone from wild and free to me enjoying the little things about you like going for a walk, seeing your face across a breakfast table, and even changing disgusting poopy diapers in the middle of the night. Love you, My," he said after a pause. You both looked at her with a laugh, still sleeping in her carrier.

"We have years ahead of us but when I look at the years that has passed my heart grows with such love for you that I ache. You are the most amazing partner and the most amazing mama to Myla. You're it and nothing is gonna keep us apart. I love you and always will."

Thankfully, before Mat even began his speech your made of honor handed you a tissue or your makeup would be ruined by now by the tears streaming down your face. 'Love you,' you whispered as you held your hand to his cheek. He smiled, with a quivering lip, and whispered it back. He took your hand and slipped diamond covered ring on your finger. Then you cleared your throat a couple of times and prepared to speak.

"Maty, you're my best friend. Ever since you flashed me that goofy grin of yours, I was gone for you. And I am so lucky you chose me to be on your team. And I promise you that I will choose you as my teammate. I choose you again and again. At the start and finish of every single day, no matter the season no matter the year. I choose you to struggle and succeed with, to fight and make up with, to love and grow old with.

And while I may have to send you to the sin bin sometimes, just know that I'll always be on your side and you can always count on me.

Seeing you grow and become the best father to our newest team member has been the biggest blessing. I am so proud you of. I hope I can make you just as proud. I love you and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

With shaking hands, it was your turn to slip a ring on Mat's finger. You didn't hear another word until Beau said those magic words: 'you may now kiss your bride'. And he did. Those big hands grabbed the sides of your face and pulled you into him until your lips met. He started out softly, but soon enough he was breathlessly while your friends and family clapped and cheered in the background.

********

You were married. An indescribable feeling floated through you all day, every since you walked down the aisle. Your ring glistened in the Vancouver sun that was starting to set as you chatted with your friends. You friend circle had shrunk every since you found out you were pregnant, a lot of your friends keeping distance and not keeping in touch as much anymore. You didn't blame them. You were still very young and a lot of them weren't ready to settle down or even be surrounded by people that weren't able to go out and get drunk every weekend. You didn't blame them because it took you a few months too to adjust to the idea of being a mother, but it made you even more grateful for the few friends that did stick around. They made you feel so special and supported during your pregnancy and even now they were already the best aunties for baby Myla.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Mat walking towards you, holding Myla. That sight would never not blow you away and make you feel all warm inside. "This little lady is hungry." He held her out to you and you welcomed her with with cuddles and lots of kisses.

"Where were you?," you asked him as you got ready to feed your daughter.

"I just went to change her. I saw my mom take her in, but I wanted to do it." He answered you puzzled expression, "What? I've barely seen her today. I just wanted to spend a few minutes with her."

Your heart warmed and you leaned into his shoulder. But your moment didn't last very long as the party was already in full swing and people kept coming over to talk to you. You went back to talking to your friends as Mat got pulled away by his.

After Myla was done eating, you decided to put her down for bed and once again tracked Mat down to let him know. "Hey, I'm putting her down." He was sitting with a bunch of his teammates that were able to make it out here who all fawned over baby Myla.

"Come on! Just let me hold her," Oliver whined, stretching his arms out, but Mat slapped them away.

"Absolutely not!" Most of his teammates got to hold her when you first introduced her to them, but Wally was not one of them. He joked around too much around her and was untrustworthy around babies. Those were Mat's words, not yours. He was obviously very protective of his daughter if he wouldn't let his own teammate hold her.

"I won't drop her! Please? Oh, see! She's looking at me," Wally tried again while the rest of you laughed.

"Yeah, she's trying to tell you to shut up. It's not happening." While he was mostly serious, there were joking tones in Mat's voice. You definitely thought they were all just messing with him, so you stayed out of it.

"Hey! Daddy Barz said no, so it's a no," the other Matt (with two Ts) chimed in in his best dad voice, to which your Mat gave him nod of his head.

"That's right."

You rolled your eyes at their banter. "Alright, I'm really putting her down now." Mat stood, but leaned down to where you were holding Myla in your arms so that he could kiss her little head over and over again.

"Good night, princess. I love you." Then he straightened and put his lips on your. "And I love you, wife."

"Love you more, husband."

[fuckyeah-jessicabiel]

Jessica Biel for CosmoGirl October/November 1999 by Jodi Bryson 

Find out why this 7th Heaven star is the coolest friend a girl could have!  

"I'm definitely weird," Jessica Biel confesses as she digs  through the knick-knacks in her bedroom.   "I have some really wild  stuff."  She points out her collection of vintage sunglasses, a bunch of  so-bright-they're-blinding wigs, dozens of phone numbers taped to the  wall, and her favorite Abercrombie & Fitch ad.  "He is the hottest  Abercrombie model ever," she says.  

The 17 year old star of 7th Heaven just finished her third season  on the show and aced her junior year of high school.  Now she's  flinging clothes around her bedroom to prep for a European vacation with  two of her closest friends.  "I want to go someplace I've never been  with people I really love hanging out with," she says.  "I want to see  some amazing things."  

Jessie has that I'll-try-anything-once outlook down pat.  She  started her career as a model, but at 14 decided to give acting a whirl.   Like in a Hollywood fairy tale, she flew to L.A. and had just a few  auditions before scoring the primo role of Mary Camden.  

Jessie works on 7th Heaven six days a week, nine months a year.   But as soon as she steps off the set, straight-arrow Mary vanishes and  the real Jessie charms everyone around her with warp-speed chitchat  about her big plans for the future (a backpacking trip with her best  friend, college, and maybe a second career as a photographer).  Clearly,  Jessie is ready to take on the world.  First stop, Europe!  

The Big Trip 

"I have no idea what to expect," Jessie says of her European  vacation, "but I just can't wait to eat that good food!"  Is she worried  about travelling to strange countries where she doesn't know a soul?   "No, I'm very excited.  My mom has a checklist of things for me to do  before I go:  Make copies of my passport, driver's license, and credit  cards; pack these things close to my body but separate from my wallet.   My mother has planed it all out -- I just gotta do it."  

Jessie makes a surprisingly small pile of clothes at the bottom  of her bed, then crams it into a backpack.  "I'm honestly taking one  pair of pants, a T-shirt, a couple pairs of shorts, a few tank tops, a  sweatshirt, a bathing suit, and two pairs of underwear that I'll keep  throwing in the sink.  My camera is the most important thing."  

In addition to taking tons of snaps, Jessie has dreamed up the  coolest way to keep track of her European adventures.  "Instead of a  private diary, I'm going to take a big book, like a communal journal,  and anyone can write in it," she says.  "If someone says, 'Can I see  your journal and write a little entry?' that's cool.  It will be nice to  look back and read what we all did and what we felt together."  Bon  voyage!  

Best Friends  

Her travelling companions are her friends Shane Nelson and Light  Dreamer Eternity.  "Light rocks so hard," Jessie says.  And even though  she lives in L.A. now, Jessie is still supertight with her best friend  from her hometown of Boulder, Colorado, who's also named Jessie.  "I  have pictures of Jessie and me stuck all over my room," she says.   What's her secret for maintaining such strong friendships?  "There's  never the silent treatment," Jessie explains. "If I was in a fight with a  friend, I would just call and be like, What is the deal?  What did I  do?  What do we need to talk about?  How can we get it over with?"   Jessie's the kind of friend who wouldn't let you stay mad at her.  

A Special Guy  

Will her absence make anyone's heart grow fonder?  Jessie let it  slip that she has a long-distance boyfriend, but then she wouldn't spill  a single detail! (And believe us, we begged!)   But she did share her  sure-fire hook-up advice.  "I'm pretty forward with guys," she says.   "I'll just walk up to somebody and I'll be really blunt and say, 'What a  great-looking person you are!  Have an awesome day.'"   Does that  really work?  "Well, I don't say that to a guy because I want him to be  my boyfriend," she says.  "I just want to tell him."   What guy could  resist?  

Prom Night  

Unfortunately, Jessie didn't get to take her secret boyfriend to  her junior prom.  "I promised Beverley Mitchell [who plays her younger  sister Lucy on 7th Heaven] that I'd go to her friend's prom.  And she  made me promise that I wouldn't back out.  I found out a week later that  my prom was the exact same day!  So I missed my prom to go to another  prom with this kid who didn't have a date," she says.  She didn't skimp  on glamour for her first prom experience: She wore an elegant white  cami-and-skirt combo with superhigh-heeled sandals.  "It turned out that  we had a good time, but Bev totally owes me!"  

Bad Behavior  

Jessie doesn't always play it so straight and narrow.  There's a  sneaky story about the pink flamingo hanging from her bedroom ceiling.  

"We had just sold our house in Boulder, Colorado, and I loved  that house," she says.  "I wanted to see it one more time.   When my  best friend Jessie and I drove up to it, my eyes welled up -- there was a  pink flamingo sticking out of my front yard!  It was the chessiest  thing I'd ever seen.  I was not happy with that flamingo.  I thought,  This has to go.  So I ran and ripped it out of the ground.  I busted to  the car and yelled, 'Go, Jessie, go!' and we just took off.  I pulled  out the stick and put the flamingo in my suitcase, and took it home with  me," she says.  "I don't think the family even knew it was missing."  Um, Jessie...they do now.  

BRIGHT FUTURE  

Even though Jessie's a totally fearless adventurer, she still  gets homesick for Boulder.  "I miss the people, I miss the mountains.   It is so laid-back there," she explains.   Does she ever see herself  going back to settle down in the Rocky Mountain foothills?  "I have one  more year of high school, which seems like it's going to take forever --  and then I'm on my own!  I can be wherever I want to be!"   Look out  world -- here she comes!"  

[inherhouseshewaitsdreaming]

Techo Kaigi 2023

2023 is drawing to a close and the new planners are sitting in my drawer, calling to me in all their pristine loveliness. But before I talk about 2024, how did 2023 go?

Pretty well, actually.

I started 2023 with the following planners:

Daily personal journal: Hobonichi Cousin

Daily carry: Hobonichi Weeks Mega

Commonplace book: Hobonichi A5 notebook

Writing journal: Hobonichi A5 notebook

Health journal: Hobonichi Weeks

Work journal: Hobonichi A6 Techo

Overflow/bullet journal: Midori Codex A5

By the end of 2023 (actually, by about mid-2023) only two of those got switched out for something else and one got added. Which is pretty good. There are, however, a few other changes I am making next year. I’m going to go through each in detail.

Were these the right journals for me?

Actually, yes. Although there is some reconfiguring, the basic principles of the journals above is going to remain consistent. I need a place to write personal journal entries that stays at home and a place to track things and make notes on the go. I enjoy both writing and commonplacing. If I want to focus on my health, having a dedicated journal helps. And I keep a separate journal for work because it may contain information that shouldn’t really go outside of work. And then sometimes I overflow into another space because I want to deep dive on something that doesn’t really fit in the others. None of this is changing.

Daily Personal Journal

The 2023 Hobonichi Cousin is going to move into … the 2024 Hobonichi Cousin. This book works really well for me. The finder details of how I use it did evolve a bit over the year, but I think I’m happy with where I ended up. I did consider moving into the Avec as my Cousin is fairly chonky at this point, but I prefer to have the book in English. I will use this in mostly the same way as last year as well:

3 months to a page view: I have no idea what I will do with this next year, but I had no idea last year either.

Monthly pages: I write a daily highlight on each day.

Weekly pages: I currently use these for planning, but this will move to the daily carry. So I am expecting this to become a space for gratitude/manifestation.

Daily pages: personal daily journal entries.

Daily Carry + Bullet Journal

Although the Weeks was nice, I found I ended up feeling things got a bit lost in the weekly view. I pretty much only used it for key dates. I had a Midori Codex as a bullet journal (briefly) but it never worked well for me as I really don’t like Midori paper (a discovery from this year) and it wasn’t something I could carry around. So I tried a Traveller’s Notebook, and again, the paper (which is the same, so I should have realised this would happen) was not to my taste. I solved both by getting a 240 page Sterling Ink TN notebook. This has worked well.

For next year, I wanted to consolidate these into one book. Although the weeks and the TN are smaller dimensionally, carrying both is quite bulky! I decided to get a Sterling Ink Common Planner (2 part book) in A5. I expect it to be used as follows:

3 months to a page view: seriously, I never know what to do with these pages.

Monthly pages: key dates and events

Weekly pages: time based daily planning - what do I do when. This will double as time tracking.

Blank pages: bullet journal which for me acts as a place to work when I’m out and about, as well as an overflow journal. I expect to also use it to write consolidated to do lists.

Creativity + Commonplace Journal

Last year was the first time I kept a commonplace book and this really suits my way of working. I have just about filled it. I did add a separate journal for writing learning, a Weeks Sterling Ink, but this is too small really.

I need somewhere to plan my creative activities, and also to plan this website! Especially as I have a lot of pre-planned content for next year that will need some serious planning to fully prep. So this will be moving into a Sterling Ink Common Planner (2 part book) along with my commonplace book. I originally brought this journal for work, but that ended up being the wrong choice. However, it ends up working out just fine as a combined creativity planner and commonplace book.

3 months to a page view: index.

Monthly pages: website and social media posting schedule. I want to be able to look back and see what got planned and what got posted.

Weekly pages: day to day creative planning - writing, the website, reading, etc.

Blank pages: commonplace book and creative ideas.

Bonus journal: A5 Sterling Ink 520 page learning journal

I will keep the learning separate. It makes it easier for me to re-read it and finding all my notes is going to be increasingly important next year for the content I have planned here.

Writing Journal

The Hobonichi notebook worked well last year as the smoothness of the tomoe river paper makes it a joy to write in. I really need the low feedback paper to write without my hands hurting. But, this year I want to focus on a daily writing habit, so I wanted a daily journal. And I wanted to use the new A5 Hobonichi Hon, but was a bit worried about how it would bulk up as my daily journal. So my new writing journal is the Hobonichi Hon A5.

3 months to a page view: actual daily ‘wordcount’. I want to be able to see the patterns of writing I manage to complete.

Monthly pages: I wanted a place to do mini doodle/zentangle art every day. As I don’t really need the monthlies for anything writing wise, I am going to use this space for that.

Weekly pages: responses to prompts, ideas - anything I feel the need to capture. This won’t really be ‘weekly’.

Daily pages: writing

Bonus journal: A5 Sterling Ink 520 page worldbuilding project journal

As my days vary quite a lot, I know I might not actually write every day. But I can write the equivalent of every day. The idea is to try and keep up with the days and that is why I am also recording the actual daily pages written. I also have a worldbuilding project planned and this will be kept in its own journal. Its an alternative history world so I will need to do a lot of research and then ‘adjust’ reality.

Health Journal

The Hobonichi Weeks was perfect for this. I recorded calories and activity against each day and then used the back pages for planning food shops. I am going to switch to the Sterling Ink Common Planner Weeks Compact for 2024 only because I think the vertical weeklies will be better than the horizontal ones (if I’m wrong, I can always get a Hobonichi Weeks).

Work Journal

It turns out I hate A6. I also think having a weekly overview is better. As is being able to keep my notes in the same book. I changed to a an Undated Sterling Ink Common Planner and I plan to stick with that. I got the ‘half year’ size so I can carry it around more easily.

Is everything Sterling Ink or Hobonichi?

Pretty much. There are two reasons for this that I can now articulate pretty clearly:

Tomoe River paper. I love this paper. Fountain pen inks never feather, even the wetter ones. Its incredibly smooth, and reduces feedback, which in turn reduces pain in my hands.

The grid size. This is perfect for me.

There are other companies out there who can meet this need. I did consider the Wonderland planner for a work planner. I also looked at Aura Estelle and I may get an Undated from here when my current work journal runs out (it depends how many of the note pages I end up using).

That is a lot of journals!

Its only 8. Well, 9 because I expect to use another journal as a record of a big trip I am taking next year. I know it seems a lot, but with the exception of the Worldbuilding Project journal, all of these were things I used last year. And most were filled (or will be full either by the end of the month, or when they come to their natural end). That being said, no one should feel like they have to have this many journals. I started with one - a single bullet journal. I ended up filling it very quickly, which is when I started to have more than one. You have too many journals if:

They are the ‘right’ journal, but you can’t fill them/keep up with them.

Keeping up with them is causing you stress.

Other than this, the correct number of journals is the number that help you function day to day, in all areas of your life. That bring you joy when you use them. I would find trying to cram everything into one book and running out of space stressful. This is what works for me, and in 2024, I will be sticking with it.

[whentherewerebicycles]

time to declutter my brain by making some LISTS!!!! 

time available to me in the immediate future:

had amazing weekend in pittsburgh! am flying home tonight so will have about 5-6 hours of airport and flight time where i can work on whatever

i have only one meeting & one tiny work task on the agenda for tomorrow so i will have that entire day

wednesday morning is packed with meetings but i’ll be finished by 12 and then will have the rest of the day to run errands, pack, and do other last-minute trip stuff

thursday morning will be a bit of a mad scramble but then i will have 10-11 hours of sustained work time on the plane to use however i want

things i need to get done: 

pre-trip errands. i ordered a shitload of travel clothes & other stuff that all arrived this weekend, so i need to try everything on, decide what i’m taking with me, and drop off all returns before i leave. i also need to buy dog food, water plants, and pay some medical bills.

campus visit. i’ve gotten too far in the weeds with all the prep work and research, which is fine, like i needed to do that reading and thinking, but also now it’s time to step back from it a little bit and start thinking about the pieces i’m going to pull out for the actual talk. the sooner i can get a detailed outline together the less stressed i’ll feel, so i think i may spend tonight’s plane ride outlining by hand (since writing things out instead of typing helps me organize my thinking more efficiently). i want to think about several possible configurations for that hour, and then i also want to create a to-do list so i have a clearer sense of the stuff i need to prep or script in the next couple weeks.

i know i am going to put a lot of pressure on myself to do this “perfectly” or whatever, but i want to try to gently push back against that impulse. i am so prepared for this interview. the presentation doesn’t have to convey absolutely everything because i will have the entire day to answer questions and bring up things i want to mention. my goal is to not get lost into the details but to keep my messaging simple, direct, and compelling. i also read a bunch of articles in the chronicle this morning about how hard it is for universities to recruit and retain talented admin staff right now, and that made me feel a bit better about going into the interview. interviews are two-way evaluations and if they are interested enough in me for this role to invite me to campus, they are also going to be feeling some pressure to make this a positive experience and to convince me that this is the place i want to be.

IUI planning. i test tomorrow but kind of have a gut feeling this cycle didn’t work! i know i’ll be disappointed if the test is negative but i also think i’m so busy with other stuff that i’ll move on pretty fast and be ready to try again. i just need to reach out to my doctor before my trip to see what she thinks about squeezing something in around the travel and the campus visit - the timing will get a little hairy so it might not be worth it to try this month. we’ll see! but i have to do that before i leave as i need to know if i should take the meds with me & i also will need to set up my sister with the info to call the donor bank for me.

fic comments. lol my goal for this last cycle was to do 14 comments in 14 days and i only managed to do 4!! i will cut myself some slack here as when i set the goal i didn’t know about the job interview yet and didn’t anticipate that other stuff would fill all that open time. but i might try to do a few more on the plane tonight - maybe i can get to 7 at least. 

okay! there’s a lot ahead of me but honestly i think i did a ton of good work in march and that has prepared me to roll into a very busy april in a reasonably calm state of mind. i can handle everything that lies ahead. and wow i’m about to have a very cool travel experience too!! and basically two full weeks where  don’t have to think about my current job for even a second! i know i’ll probably be tired at the end of the trip but i hope it’s also a good brain break for me.

[daisynik7]

✨WIFEY✨ I’M BACK (again) and much has changed, i’ve done a 180 of my schedule so waiting to see if that sticks, but i’m feeling better (if you exclude the period cramps 🤡) but February has been pretty good so far, i should clarify i wasn’t the one hospitalized but a family member who isn’t the most comfortable with English so i stayed with them to be translator, but all is well like i said discharge was a few days ago and they’re feeling much better! 

thank you for your well wishes and sweetness, i’m still taking you up on all your kind offerings regardless, i need them 🥲 i am sending you just as much!

hope this year brings you more small and big meaningful moments that you can always cherish and look at with a good feeling, get-togethers with friends, and i hope you’re weekend with your boyfriend went well!

how was your weekend? well spent at the very least, even if you did nothing:) anything special going on this week? as always so proud of you! 🫶🏼 i’m prepping for a Lunar New Year spread given that i’ve taken off the last few years, i'm a bit rusty so we’ll see how that goes.

i don’t how much the weather has shifted since you wrote me, hoping it’s just getting warmer for you but i still hope you’re keeping warm<3 the weather has been kinda wack here, warm days and cold days, forecast says it’s going to rain, which it does, but then it snows all night which i had no knowledge of but ok😅

i missed you so very much, you’re love was very much felt and as always the storm has passed so i just look at the past and take what lessons i’ve learned and move on and i hope you’re able to do the same with any mishaps in your life, especially those that you can’t always control :) i love YOU my darling daisy i hope today and this week goes amazing for you, thank you for being you there isn’t much more i’d know how to articulate how much you mean to me 🥹  

loooooong overdue: but i come with bouquets of flowers for the prettiest snookums in the whole universe!<3 💐💐💐

SNOOKUMS! I'm so happy to hear from you! While I've missed you immensely, I'm happy to hear that you're doing well and being very productive! I hope you're taking enough breaks though and not burning yourself out too much. also, so sorry for the misunderstanding! Very glad to hear your family member is doing better now. ❤️

Thank you for your well wishes and positive vibes as always! I'm learning to cherish all the little moments I'm so lucky to experience in life. I know at times, I can take these small moments for granted, so I'm trying to be better at appreciating them more!

Happy February! And an early Happy Valentine's to my most special Valentine! And Happy Lunar New Year! What's the spread looking like so far? I can't wait to hear about all the delicious dishes you'll be preparing in celebration!

The biggest news from me is that my brother just got engaged! Him and his girlfriend (now fiancée) have been traveling all over Asia the past month and he proposed to her in Japan. It was very sweet and romantic. They are coming back home in a few days and we will celebrate with dinner somewhere!

We had a pretty bad storm last night, but I think we're in the clear now. Still pretty cold during the mornings and nights, but nothing too drastic! Hope you're staying warm and cozy during those snowy nights!

Sending you all my love as usual, all my kisses, all my snuggles, and only the best, most positive vibes for my wifey. Thank you for always making me feel so loved, I appreciate and love you more than these silly words of mine can articulate. Take care of yourself! ❤️ love you so much thea

[laceyflanaganyarmouth]

Road Trip Tips

Road Trip Tips https://ift.tt/7MVSa59 If you’ve never been on a road trip before, then it’s time to plan one. Road trips are different kinds of travel; if you’re an adventure traveler, you should consider taking one. They allow you to get completely immersed in the area and explore its hidden gems. If you’re planning on traveling for the first time, don’t worry. It’s normal to feel nervous about it. There are plenty of things that you can do before you start your trip to ensure that it’s a memorable experience. Whether you’re planning on visiting all of the national parks in the US or just wandering around aimlessly, there are a few things that you can do to make your trip even more enjoyable. In this post, I’m sharing some favorite first-timers road trip tips. These will help you get off to a great start in your journey. Prep Your Car Before leaving for your trip, ensure your vehicle is ready to go. Having at least a month’s notice for repairs is essential. Check the coolant, oil, tire pressure, brakes, lights, and windshield wiper fluid. If you’re concerned, have an expert check your car before heading out. Next, take the time to clean up your car. It would help if you also packed your gum wrappers and paper towels under your seat. You should leave the receipts from your last business transaction in the glove box, and don’t sweat your dog hair in the back bed. Several days into your trip, you’ll notice that new ones join the old wrappers, and the glove box will overflow with maps and hotel receipts. You’ll rue the day you left the Shop-Vac behind. Finally, be sure to fill the tank before you leave! It’s important to start a long road trip with a full tank in case something goes wrong, you run out of gas, or you don’t find any stations. Also, driving with the gas light on for extended periods can damage your vehicle. Just fill up the tank before you leave. Make a Plan One of the most critical factors you can count on when traveling long distances is delays. Regardless, having a plan is a great way to avoid issues down the road. Overscheduling can cause you to get bogged down in the last few miles of your trip, even though you intend to get some sleep. You may even try to cancel a reservation to get the money for another hotel. Set a Budget This is also important when planning your trip, as it will help you manage your expenses and ensure that you have enough money to cover everything you need. A budget will allow you to plan for emergencies and save for specific costs. If you’re planning on traveling on a tight budget, this post will teach you how to budget for road trips. The post Road Trip Tips first appeared on Lacey Flanagan | Travel. via Lacey Flanagan | Travel https://ift.tt/FzGBDLi October 26, 2023 at 11:45AM

[mystikalrootz]

Mercury Retrograde 

21° in Virgo  12:59 pm (PST)

8/23-9/15

Here we go again!  It’s Mercury Retrograde time!  3-4 times a year Mercury laps Earth as we orbit the Sun which gives the impression that Mercury is moving backwards.  During this time we experience disruptions in all things Mercury related such as communication, technology, travel and health and home matters. Depending on what sign Mercury moves in will depend where this affects the collective.  Regardless of its placement tho, some things are KEY during this time and  it is important to implement all the “Re” actions and practices you can, and avoid beginning anything new if possible. 

Renew, refresh, rewind, reflect, revise, revamp, research, rethink, return, revisit, refrain, reorganize, retreat, retrieve, reconnect, recommit, resolve, and repeat are just some very good guide words to keep at the forefront as you move through this sometimes confusing and frustrating retrograde energy. You will enviably see funny memes saying “I’m not responsible for what I said during Mercury Retrograde” which I too find funny BUT this is an excuse for being an intentional asshole and blame a planet for it… I don’t REspect this type of thinking. Mercury in Retrograde gives us the gift of slowing down and reflecting on things that may have soured in the past few months. It lets us return to the things that are meaningful and maybe recommit to things or people that we have forgotten about. You can breath REfreshing air into an already started project or return to a hobby or skill you have done further REseach on to make it a success. 

*ABSOLUTELY BACK UP DATA

*Know that you may not understand what others are trying to say the first time they say it and vise versa. 

*Double check all forms of communication for clarity and that it is going to the correct person. (Texts, emails, DM’s, letters, cards, bills, payments etc)

*Try not to travel or make travel plans.  This can sometimes not be avoided so making sure vehicles are running smooth, airports are arrived at super early, and prepping for delays is a good idea

*Don’t sign legal papers or contracts is possible. I actually told my old job’s HR that I would come sign my retirement/separation paperwork the next week when Mercury Retrograde had left it’s post shadow phase! Not sure if she understood me but she complied! If you MUST sign these types of papers, read them over thoroughly and maybe take a friend to read also. 

During this particular Retrograde, Mercury is spending the entire time in one of its home signs, Virgo. It stations to go backwards at 21° in the sign and then stations to go direct again at 8°. The grounded Earth energy of Virgo is caring, health aware, nurturing, organized, thoughtful and even sensual. Mercury can be used beautifully here to reflect on any health matters you have wanted to attend to, revamp your dietary plans, or even research more earth based ways to a healthier life. Pulling out some half finished organization projects such as filing gone unfinished or storage bought but never used is also great here. This particular placement can really hit your work and day to day activities so beware of this and take the proper mindset and awareness. If a program crashes, laugh, know it is Mercury, go for a walk, and come back.  You will more than likely find the issue is corrected. Be sure your not sending personal things to work peeps and vise versa as this is also a common mistake. Your co-workers may be cranky and moody leaving YOU to be the vibe. Why you? Well, your aware of this wonky ass energy and chances are, they aren’t. Be kind and show compassion or if your like me…SHARE THIS INFO!! Mercury and Virgo energies love information and love to teach others. That being said, with ALL things you try to teach or assist with at this time, be careful not to force yourself on others. When Mercury is in Virgo we have a tendency to over think and over “help”. Others may feel you as overbearing and the possibility of you feeling rejected is very possible. 

Personally, I am loving the feel of this retrograde!  With the loving support of the Sun entering Virgo (email subscribers got that energy walk through) just hours before Mercury starts its backwards dance, there is a vibe of self care, nurturing, journaling, and full on relaxation that is much needed with the 2023 weirdness many have experienced. If used properly, the next 3 weeks could be the REset you need in order to finish off the year as the bad ass you are!  Happy Mercury Retrograde!!

If you find value in these forecasts, please consider a small $5 donation as an exchange of energy using the link below 🤍

[humansun]

i got NERVE (you got..you need to uncover)

Written Friday, July 21st, 2023 at 5:40PM

Hi. I have nerves. Running. All. Through my body.

Where am I at? I can barely think. It’s always when I’m talking to someone who is deeply self-aware that I start getting nervous and sweaty and stressed.

I desire to have wisdom. Just like these folks I admire. ANYWAY.

Normally after a call or informational with a high-profile individual, I want to call people and tell them about it. But, because I have the luxury of being at home, with my laptop, Wifi, and a fan (in this heat), I will take advantage of this blank document that I could wordbarf my feelings on! Yay.

Jesus. Why are people so amazing? It makes no sense. I need to thank the people who have done a lot for me in my life because why did they do these amazing things for me? I could never know.

For some reason right now, I thought about Disney and how walking away from it could have been a bad thing for me in a lot of different ways. I’m also thinking about how many people may have seen me walk away as a very idiotic thing to do, but I do not regret that decision whatsoever.

If I had not quit, I would have never gone through my interesting Vietnam travel experience. I would have never spent the last few months wandering around my community wondering what is going on in my life. I would have never found myself sitting here, in this chair, and thinking about all the things that I’m thinking in this moment.

My first biggest thought for Betty is:

You need to reach out to whoever inspires you, period. You never know what response you will get. You will never know who will be willing to support you. Do it. Don’t hesitate, and don’t, look, back.

The second big thought for Betty is:

You have yet to meditate, write creatively, or read today. That’s what you’re doing when you have your last meal. 

There are so many questions. So many! About what will happen in the next few months, if I’ll give myself a time limit, what can I do to really light that fire under my ass? How will I determine my path for success and a financially stable future? All the questions! (Cue Fuzzy’s “Oh Brother” Spongebob audio bite.)

I feel extremely grateful to have spoke to the people that I did. They are amazing. Women are awesome and underrated forever. I hope to grow immensely in the next couple months and years to be a better me whether physically, mentally, or creatively.

At this point, I just need to do the things that I say I will do and do them. Thank you!

Written 11:34PM

Bro, I need to work on my self-control. Sometimes, I’ll fall into a rabbit hole about other people’s lives because I’m not trying to handle my own business.

I had hot yoga a while ago, my bed seems free of ants, and I have a very packed day tomorrow where I basically can’t work on anything that I actually want to do unless I get less than 8 hours of sleep.

So Sunday has to be the day where I focus all my energy on moving forward in my career. Nothing less. 

I also need to prep my program application and have my sister or close friends review them before I submit. Blah. I feel like poo.

[thesunicarusfellfor]

Hello!! Do you think you could do a part 2 of my request? An maybe a lil bit of angst with fluff where the reader comes to the mansion crying because someone hurt them?( Maybe techno or dream? Possibly jack manifold? 👀) Hopefully that's ok I just love the way you write it's so good plus it makes my day whever I read :D hopefully your day or evening is going good

<3

imhereforfan-fic : Omg can you do another yandere tubbo x reader x yandere ranboo romantic relationship please? Maybe where they get kidnapped by the dream team? Oh and adding on to my request can it also have some cuddling towards the end haha I’m touch starved and crap lol but can it a full length fic Okay okay okay. So. I'm so damn happy people loved this fic and I got two requests that I can easily add together. I hope neither of you minds too much having your requests mixed together ^^ I deadass wanna cry from how many positive reviews I've received from Too Sweet. ALSO. I'm a little wary of making romantic fics for characters Ranboo and Tubbo so I'm gonna play with the platonic marriage, just making it really fluffy and affectionate. PS: THIS ISNT AS FLUFFY AS I WANTED IT TO BE SOOOO OOOOPS. AAAAND. TOMMY ONLY TOOK ONE OF DREAM'S LIVES IN THE FINAL DISC WAR

LIKELY TO HAVE MANY ERRORS DUE TO BAD WIFI AND LACK OF SLEEP TW: Knives (+injuries that come from knives), kidnapping, taking of canon lives, Dream being power-hungry, minor panic attack, referenced strangulation.

Part One

Too Sweet (For This World) Yandere!C!Ranboo x F!Reader x Yandere!C!Tubbo Part 2

A few months had passed since you had moved into the mansion and some... How ended up involved in Ranboo and Tubbo's marriage, as well as being Michael's mother. At first, you were quite unsure about being a wife or a mother, but you saw how happy you had made the three boys and realized how happy they made you in return. In the beginning, neither of them wanted you leaving the mansion much without either of them, but then Ranboo started to notice small and minor declines in your physical and mental health. This caused him to panic and study your symptoms for a few days straight, to the point where you didn't see him once and you were genuinely scared he had lost his canon lives to the point where you kept checking your right wrist constantly for the message confirming Ranboo's death. But thankfully you never got it. When he had figured out what was causing your health to be less than absolutely perfect, he had spoken to Tubbo about letting you out of your room more often and getting you the sunlight you needed. It took a little bit to convince him, but once the goat hybrid learned that you could, or even would, become a lot sicker, he decided to allow you to go outside without them, as long as you stayed within Snowchester. You met a man the first few days you were out, who wore white glasses with blue and red lenses, and a headset with a mic, although he ran away from you the second you introduced yourself as Ranboo and Tubbo's (platonic) wife. Foolish had quickly become your friend around the same time though, which caused Tubbo and Ranboo to be a little unsure because of how he made you laugh and smile, but they noticed how you always kept him at arm's length with friendship and almost physically. Sure you didn't mind too much when he gave you a friendly side hug or pat on the head etc, but you were never really the one to initiate the contact unless you had to. Thankfully he didn't mind your awkwardness around strangers, trust issues, or lack of social exposure, so Ranboo and Tubbo didn't have to threaten a literal god. After saying goodbye to Michael for the day and putting him down for his nap, you got dressed into something more appropriate for travelling the snowy lands that Tubbo owned. Ranboo had to go to a Syndicate meeting, and Tubbo was working more on some buildings around Snowchester, saying something about prepping things to attack Dream who apparently escaped from prison? Not sure could've been rumoured or could be true? You had no clue honestly. You trusted Ranboo and Tubbo to protect you. The crackling of a few pine branches caused you to lift your eyes from the icy water below to turn your head. Walking out of the bushes were three men and one woman, pushing their way through the branches decorated with freshly fallen snow. One of the men was your crown-wearing platonic husband, although dressed up in an outfit you had never seen before, although not too far off from his normal get-up. Ranboo had a long black cape with golden edges and a high collar, held up together by a golden chain. His vest was now a deep royal purple with an eye of ender pin clasped on his tie, and his pants were half purple half black with golden designs sewn in. Beside him was a short female with shoulder-length pink hair and nicely done dark purple and black makeup. Her outfit consisted of a thick and warm lavender sweater with dark purple pants. On her hip was an enchanted netherite sword with a diamond-encrusted handle. You were quick to recognize her as Niki Nihachu, the baker who had lived in L'Manberg, but you hadn't heard much of her since the Pogtopia war. Off to the side, was a man you recognized easily as you had only seen him a few days ago when Ranboo invited him to see Michael, Philza Minecraft. His outfit wasn't too different from what he used to wear when he was a resident in the country, except for the black and gold cape and a black mask covering the bottom of his face. Then... The sight of the final male was the one to make you visibly react. A tall and buff male with a golden encrusted netherite

chest plate and a velvet red cape with gold accents as well. There was a rather majestic crown on top of his long braided pink hair and his dark eyes were narrowed behind a set of cracked glasses... His gaze pointing directly at you. Technoblade. Giving a shaky gasp, you stood up from your spot on the edge of the dock and turned to face the visitors. "Where's Tubbo," Techno growled softly, watching as you visibly trembled under his gaze. "Techno, mate. You're scarin' the hell outta her." Phil put his hand on his middle son's shoulder before stepping in front of him, blocking him from your gaze. "Hey, (Y/n), can you tell us where Tubbo is? We just have to ask him some things." "I'm here." An almost unfamiliar voice came from beside you before a hand was placed on your shoulder. When you looked over, you saw the goat hybrid with the coldest look you had seen him wear yet. "(Y/n), please, head into the mansion." Without another glance at the piglin hybrid, you quickly scurried towards the wooden mansion, faintly hearing the worried buzzing noises of your enderman husband in the distance before you slammed the large door shut. You almost ran towards your's or Michael's room in the basement, but then realized if any of them saw you heading down there, Michael's safety could be compromised. So, you quietly sat down in the living room and curled up on the couch, trying to keep your breathing stable as you fought to keep your mind off of the fact that the man who had almost killed you was standing a few feet outside the door of your home. You pinched your eyes shut and wrapped your arms around yourself, trying your best to simulate the hugs you would usually receive from your platonic husbands after a nightmare or a panic attack. ".../n)." "../n)!" "...(Y/n)!" With a terrified gasp, you flung your arms above your head to shield yourself from any oncoming attacker but only felt a gentle touch on your knee. It took a few seconds to muster up your courage, but you slowly brought your arms down and opened your eyes to come face to face with Tubbo, who immediately sat beside you and wrapped his arms around your shaking frame. After an hour or so with your face buried into Tubbo's shoulder, you felt another pair of arms wrap around you, causing you to look up and see Ranboo burying his face into your hair, "I'm so sorry... So sorry... I didn't think they would come to Snowchester..." You murmured a small, "it's okay," to him as you sat up a bit to return the hug for a few moments. Tubbo got up, murmuring something about going to get you a snack and a glass of water, knowing you must've been hungry or thirsty from panicking. After a few moments, Ranboo let go of you and briefly explained that Phil had given him some potions to help Michael adapt to the overworld, and he needed to give them to him. He rested his forehead against yours affectionately for a few seconds before turning towards the bookshelf and walking down the set of hidden stairs after opening the secret door. Once he shut it, you shuddered and rubbed your arms to get rid of the cold chill that had suddenly washed over you. Frowning slightly, you looked around for the source of the sudden cold, only to freeze as you saw the door cracked open, allowing the snow and cold wind to slip in. Ranboo wouldn't have left the door open... "Sorry kid." A deep and growly voice came from behind you, causing you to spin around and come face to face with Technoblade. The tall tusked male watched your expression go from confusion to horror in less than seconds, "It's nothing personal. Really. I just got a favour to pay off." A scream of terror escaped your lips before everything went black. "Hey, Michael!" Ranboo crouched down to greet the small zombie piglin child as he held a few potions of varying colours in his long arms, he set them and a thermos filled with a hot drink down on the table. "I got some new drinks for you to try today! Philza made them a little extra sweeter than last time." The small child squealed and made small tippy tap noises with his

hooves against the quartz flooring before he sat on the chair. He watched as his tall father sorted through the bottles carefully before uncorking one of the light red ones. Before he could pick up the small pipette, there was an almost unearthly shriek that came from the top of the stairs. "(Y/n)!" Ranboo screamed, unintentionally startling Michael, but that wasn't his main concern as he sprinted out the door then teleporting up the stairs and pushing the bookshelf door with his sword drawn and gleaming with enchantments. In his peripheral vision, he saw Tubbo dash out of the kitchen with his axe drawn and bloodlust in his eyes. Glancing around, the only thing the two men spotted was moonlight and snow spilling through the open door. Tubbo ran out without a second thought and screamed your name at the top of his lungs as he spun around, searching for any sort of sign that would give away your location. Ranboo decided to start looking around the mansion, even though part of him grasped that you wouldn't have screamed without reason. "She's gone..." Tubbo whispered, standing in the doorway, the moonlight creating a dark shadow over his wide eyes. "Footprints are leading to and away from the house, but they disappear on the docks..." Ranboo stayed still, a violent growling noise bubbling up in his throat before escaping past his lips as both his eyes turned purple. He threw his head back and took a breath to scream all his anger out, but froze upon hearing sad whimpering. He turned his head and saw Michael standing at the top of the hidden stairs, whimpering and shaking quite violently. There was part of Ranboo that refused to move, but his brain seemed to flick onto autopilot as he walked over to the child and picked him up. "Sorry... Michael... Something happened..." "Mama?" "...Mama... Won't be home for a while..." "Wake up!" A voice growled before something sharply came in contact with your cheek, shaking you awake. Your eyes shot open and came into contact with... A smiley face? "Aha... Sleeping Beauty graces us with her gaze. It's about damn time." A harsh grip landed on your jaw, making you realize there was a dull throbbing pain in your head. "Huh... Dre... Dream..?" You whispered, barely recognizing the white mask that helped destroy your home and turn it into nothing but a crater. "W-What?" His mask was lifted up enough to the point where you could see his mouth curved up into a sadistic smile. "You, my darling pawn, are just the piece I needed to make life easier for me... I just need to raise the stakes enough for them to be... Well... Stakes. I'm sure you understand." You went to move your hand to slap the gloved hand away from your face, only to give a small whine of pain as you felt a tight pinching on your wrists, making you realize that they were shackled together and likely chained to a wall. "What are you talking about you psychop- Ah!" He tightened his grip on your face to the point where you knew there would eventually be dark bruising. "I don't think you're in a position to be calling the king any names, pawn." Screams and shrieks of pain bounced off of the blank stone walls as the two people standing outside of the door put their heads down with their eyes closed. "You still sure he's doing the right thing, George? Are you still sure... He's the good guy in this story?" "You know better than to question him, Nick." "Don't call me that."

(Y/n) (L/n) was slain by Dream using Nightmare. Life: 2/3 (Y/n) (L/n) suffocated while trying to fend off Dream. Life: 1/3

"He just took two of an innocent woman's three lives. Just to use her as a hostage to make Tubbo hand over the nukes and to force Ranboo to follow his orders... He's a stranger, George. This isn't Dream anymore... Don't be stupid." Sapnap lowered his right arm that he read the messages off of and looked in the direction of his former best friend. The screams of agony were almost haunting as they echoed through Snowchester as silence fell down upon the entire Dream SMP. Shock slipped through the veins of everyone who read the message that appeared on their right wrists. - "I'm gonna kill him..." "I'm going to activate the nukes..." - "Techno... What did you do." "I owed him a favour. What he does after that is none of my business." - "...Isn't that Tubbo and Ranboo's wife?" "Yeah... She was my friend..." - "Tubbo's definitely not happy about this..." - "Ah... Atta girl..." Dream murmured in a mock soothing voice as he gently dragged his knife threateningly along your cheek. "Y'know... You would look better... With a smile." He leaned closer to you, the drawn-on eyes of his mask staring into your dull and tear-filled eyes as a stinging pain came from the corner of your lips. "Sh, sh, Relax... They're just shallow cuts, they won't even leave a scar. I'm not a monster." Time had passed quickly, but also excruciatingly slowly. You had no clue how long you had been down here, or how long you had been dead in between respawns. Dream just didn't seem to be leaving you alone. "Now..." He flipped the switchblade closed and threw it in his pocket before tremours shook the earth below and around you. "What the fUCK?!" He growled deeply before the door slammed open. "How did they even find this place!?" The door was blown off its hinges with a loud bang, causing Dream to duck out of the way of the flying piece of scrap. Light flooded into the room as you shut your eyes tightly, your ears ringing from the explosion. Once your eyes got a little bit adjusted, you opened them and saw five figures in the newly widened doorway. "Let's just say... It was an anonymous tip." "Sapnap?! You dare betray me?!" The black-haired male fell silent as he turned around and walked out, putting his hand on the shoulder of the tallest silhouette in the doorway as he walked by. Once you got completely used to the new light, you began to recognize the figures. Tommy, Tubbo, Foolish, and Ranboo. Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo immediately ran forward and started a barrage of attacks on the masked psychopath while Foolish ran over and began to work on the chains binding you to the chair. After getting them off of you, he silently picked you up as you turned your head to look at the blond, brunet and monochrome boys. Dream's mask got knocked off and was thrown across the room as he was pinned below a growling Ranboo, whose skin looked almost purely black from your angle. Tommy was off to the side, rummaging through Dream's equipment, he already got his revenge when Dream was put into prison, this was Ranboo and Tubbo's revenge now.

"̷̛̲̪͝Ỳ̵̧̖͒̉o̸̟̔̆û̶̩̟̍͊'̸̧̺̎̉ṟ̷̰͘ế̴͍̰̎ ̶̤͆̎̒g̶̭̋̇o̸͍̐͑i̸̼̟̾ņ̷͊̈́̈́ĝ̷̰̤̈́ ̵̘̉t̵͖͠ȯ̸͎ ̴͎̐̈́r̸̰͙̾̑͝e̸͚͌͑g̴̛̗̦͑ř̷̳̳̱e̵̲̿̕ṫ̶̨͓͗ ̷̢͊E̷̬̪͒͊͂V̷̟̒͝Ë̸̜R̷͐̄̏ͅ ̶̲̟̤͗͋t̴̝̎o̵̖̐ư̴̞̾̇c̶̡̙̐h̵̹̜̣̒͂̂į̴̙̤͠n̴̤̼̻̅̚ǧ̵̹̙̌͜ ̵̥̞̏m̶̱̳̦͗̌y̴̱̮͒̒̄ ̶̮̈͑͆f̸͉̽̄à̵̹͠m̵͕̓̅͋í̸͇̩͔̿l̷̰̫̳͗͑y̸̡͌̊́.̶͓̇͝"̸̡͆ ("You're going to regret EVER touching my family.") Ranboo hissed lowly before he and Tubbo began applying weight to the sword pressed against the speedrunner's chest. You shut your eyes tightly for a moment before you felt a bottle press into your hands, causing you to re-open your eyes to see Foolish trying to hand you a healing potion. You eagerly took a small sip from it, feeling the small slices on your cheeks form back together and the pain from the bruises around your neck vanishing completely.

Dream was slain by Ranboo and Tubbo using Ranord

There was a clattering noise before two sets of footsteps running in your direction. Slowly tilting your head in their direction, you saw Tubbo with dark bags under his eyes and Ranboo with plenty more scars on his cheeks from tears. You were pulled from Foolish's arms and brought down to sitting on Tubbo's and Ranboo's laps, their arms completely wrapped around you. The goat hybrid was nuzzled under your chin while the enderman's face was buried in your hair. "We should have come sooner..." "We shouldn't have even left you alone in the mansion..." "I'm sorry... I should have never left the manor..."

[whentherewerebicycles]

blah blah journaling behind the cut

OKAY WHY DO I FEEL SO UNSETTLED i will gently disentangle the feelings.

the interview is just a screening interview and i might not make it to the next round! this isn’t even a JOB yet just the far-off possibility of maybe a job someday! but the REALITY of the screening interview on my calendar is making it feel more real that i COULD leave my current job and that is making me feel a bit panicky! to be clear i very, very, very much want to leave my current job but i feel like i’ve weathered so many major life transitions in the past 8-10 months and it’s kind of freaking me out to imagine weathering another one, even if it is a much-desired life transition that i think/hope would ultimately make me feel much more like myself. the prospect of change can be scary even if it’s a good change. this is not a feeling i can resolve it is just a feeling i will need to hold loosely & breathe through as i move forward.

i am nervous about the interview itself, mostly because i have spent the past six or seven months feeling pretty disconnected from my old self and pretty emotionally adrift in an existential crisis about my current job, and i am worried i will not be able to quickly & easily access my old thoughts/feelings about the work i used to do. but i have seven days to do some sustained thinking, journaling, and talking with friends/students to reconnect with that not-SO-distant version of myself. plus the coordinator confirmed they’ll be sending me the screening questions the day before, so i’ll have time to thoughtfully prep and practice.

liz is leaving today and we won’t see each other again in person until late april which feels so far away :(((((( i never want to waste the last day being in a funk about parting but i am in a funk about parting. but it will be ok. we got to see each other like every two weeks for the last three visits and we will both be traveling a lot in the meantime so the time will go faster than i think!!

i am traveling for a family trip this weekend and the logistics are slightly complicated (seattle to phoenix to palm springs to san diego to seattle) and that always makes me feel a little unsettled even if i know the trip itself will be fun. plus i have to do a bunch of errands before i leave AND pack for a different climate and i’m nervous about not having clothes that will work out. but it’s fine it will be fine.

WHAT CAN I DO TO QUIET MY WORRIES 

i can book airport parking (one lightly stressful logistics thing out of the way) and make a detailed to-do list and packing list so i have less free-floating anxiety about the trip itself. i can also map out the different legs of the trip and figure out when i’ll have time to work on interview prep, which i think will help me feel less stressed about preparing.

i already created a doc and spent a few hours researching the program i’m applying to, jotting down notes for examples/ideas from my previous job i can talk about in the interview, and making a list of things i want to be ready to discuss. i think i feel a little scattered in the way i’m prepping now, but if i carve out a solid block of time tomorrow to make a detailed prep plan i can just work my way through it steadily instead of feeling like there are a million scattered things floating around in my head. this will also make me feel more excited about the job which will help ease me through the scary AAAAAA MORE LIFE TRANSITIONS???? feelings.

liz and i are going to book our next visit now so we have something to look forward to! also i think we will go on a walk and that will help ease the pre-period hormonal jitters.

tonight i will have time to sit down and calmly think through all aspects of the next week (logistics, interview prep, work schedule, etc.). having a solid plan will make me feel less all over the place. and tonight i will also have time to do some good quality lying around and self-soothing activities (reading a favorite classic fic etc) which i think will help restore my feelings of equilibrium

[leossmoonn]

No Weakness [Spencer Reid]

masterlist 

pairing - spencer reid x gn!reader

type - fluff, lil angst 

request / note -  “where the reader is new to BAU and they see dead body first time, and it kinda bothers them. and spencer noticed it, even when the reader tries they best no show it (bc they’re scared it makes the look like they’re weak) so when they’re just two of them spencer tries to make them feel better and tells them its okay and it does not make them weak.” this was so fun to write, ahhh! thank you @avrilstaro for requesting <3 *not edited lol oops*

summary - you’re embarrassed after freaking out from seeing a dead body, but spencer assures you that it’s okay

warnings / includes - descriptions of mutilated body, small description of case (child kidnapper case for this fic), crying, anxiety, nausea, little fighting, food mention. you and spencer are dating in this  

———— 

*gif isn’t mine*

“I can’t believe I didn’t get to sleep in,” you mumbled, throwing your purse down on your desk rather roughly. 

“Not like you would’ve anyways. Ariel was meowing for you five minutes before we got called in,” Spencer stated. 

“So? I would’ve fallen back asleep after,” you shrugged. “You would’ve stayed up all morning playing with her, babe,” Spencer chuckled. 

You rolled your eyes. “You don’t know that.” 

“I do! You’ve done it every morning since we got her,” Spencer argued. 

You scoffed, shaking your head at your boyfriend. You trudged over to the coffee machine, getting out a mug the size of a bowl and filling it to the brim. It was already your third cup of the day, and while it was probably unhealthy drinking that much coffee, you needed it. It was your first week on the job and you still weren’t used to waking up at five in the morning for a surprise case. This was your second case, though, so you weren’t very surprised that you were still tired. You knew you would get used to it as time went on, but you wished that your body and mind would adapt faster. 

“You’re coming on the field today.” Emily nudged your arm with a file. 

Your eyes widened and you sputtered out coffee, coughing to try and clear your throat. Emily chuckled, patting your back gently to help you. You set your coffee down, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand once you got control of your breathing.  

“W-What?” You asked, the words Emily said not processing in your brain. 

“I said you’re coming onto the field today,” she repeated. 

“B-But…” your trailed off, trying to find a reasonable explanation. “I-I wasn't supposed to be on the field for another week. I’m still technically in training.” 

“Well, part of the training is going on the field. You’re an amazing agent in the office, L/n, but you'd be even better on the field. You’re able to sympathise with the unsubs and solve the puzzles faster than most of us can, sometimes faster than your boyfriend. You’ll help us a lot better out there than in here.” 

You chuckled nervously, heat crawling up the back of your neck. “Thanks, Emily, but I’m not ready.” 

Emily rolled her eyes. “That’s what all the new agents say. You need to just get out there, and there’s no better time to do that then early in the game.”

“I guess,” you muttered, lifting your coffee cup and taking a sip. 

“You’ll be fine, Y/n. I have no doubts,” Emily smiled. 

“Thanks.” You have her a small smile. “No problem. And hey, don’t tell Spencer I said you’re better at the job than him,” she winked. 

You laughed and nodded, “I won’t, I promise.” 

She walked away, leaving you to lean against the counter and to drink the rest of your coffee before going to the briefing room. 

“So, I heard that Newbie is finally coming along with us today!” Luke exclaimed. 

“Newbie is your nickname, Newbie,” Penelope narrowed her eyes at Luke. Luke rolled his eyes, “Yeah, yeah. Anyways, you excited?”

You sat down in one of the chairs between to Luke and Matt. “Not really, if I”m being honest.” 

“Oh, why? You’ll be great!” Matt smiled. “So everyone says,” you sighed. 

“Hey, I heard you’re coming with us today. Can’t wait to have you on the field.” Spencer smiled as he walked past you. 

“Yeah, I’m excited to outsmart you, too,” you smirked. 

“Oh, Reid, looks like you have some competition!” Luke teased. 

Spencer shook his head and looked at you through his lashes. You gave him a challenging look, leaning on the table. 

“May the best agent win, Reid,” you dared. 

“Alright,” he shrugged. “Better have no weaknesses, L/n.” 

“Oh, I have none,” you smirked. Spencer replied to you with a hum, giving you an excited smile before paying attention to the case.  

Penelope and Emily delivered the case to you six, then leaving you all to pack up your things as you were going on the jet. You got out the small duffle bag of clothes you had in your car for traveling on cases, also grabbing your phone charger and the case files. You walked up onto the jet, placing your bags up over the overhead storage area. You got seated across from Tara and next to Spencer. 

You all talked about your plans to catch the unsub and where you all were assigned to. Tara, you, and Spencer were going to go to the crime scene to scope out the area. Emily and JJ would stay at the police station and work there, while Matt and Luke did witness and suspect interviews. 

You were sitting back in your chair, looking out the window and admiring the sky as the jet flew through the clouds. You still had an hour before you landed. Everyone was either sleeping or listening to music. You had thought about going back to sleep, but it seems as though the three cups of coffee you had finally kicked in.  

You regretted drinking so much coffee because now, your heart was racing and your hands were shaking. You weren’t sure if it was totally because of the caffeine or that you were nervous about being on the field for the first time, but you assumed it was a little bit of both. 

Spencer, who was seated next to you, noticed your jitteriness. He closed his book softly, setting it down on the floor next to his seat, turning to you and taking your hands in his. 

Your head snapped to him quickly, your eyes landing on his. He gave you a soft smile, beginning to rub his thumb over your knuckles. 

“You’ll do great out there, alright?” He assured. 

You sighed, turning away from the window and to him. “What if the lead I find doesn’t work? What if I can’t figure out where the unsub has the kids? O-Or what if I embarrass myself in front of the police chief?”

Spencer chuckled softly at your concerns, making you frown. 

“Don’t laugh! Hey, I bet you had all these concerns when you first joined.” 

“I did,” he admitted. “But, I learned that I worked with a team. It’s not just me doing the work, just like it’s not just you. You have seven people working with you on this. Try and relax, baby, alright? You do amazing work at the office. This won’t be any different.” 

You scoffed, “Please. It’s like, a million times different.” 

“Just try and relax,” he instructed, putting your hand up to his lips. 

You smiled widely, your heart fluttering as he kissed your hand. 

“Plus, even if it was just you working the case, I have no doubt you would figure it out quickly.” 

“Thanks, babe,” you smiled and leaned your head against the headrest. 

“Of course. I love you,” he said, leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss to your lips. 

“Oh, gross. You guys know I just became newly single,” Tara scoffed. 

You laughed and turned to her. “That was like, nine months ago.” 

Tara raised her brows, looking at Matt and Spencer, and back at you. “You weren’t even here back then. How do you know this?” 

“I just know things,” you winked. “Yeah, well I’m betting someone blabbed,” Tara grumbled. 

“We would never,” Matt disagreed. “Mhm,” Tara hummed, going back onto her phone. 

You smiled at you teammates and looked back at Spencer and putting your head on his shoulder. You closed your eyes for a few moments, opening your eyes again. You blinked rapidly, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. You rolled your head around, your eyes settling onto Spencer who was back to reading his book. You turned your head back to the window, furrowing your brows as you noticed you weren’t up in the sky anymore. 

“Oh, good. You’re up,” Spencer spoke, putting his book away. 

“Are we here already?” You asked, your voice croaky and hoarse. 

“Yep,” he nodded. “We landed about ten minutes ago.” 

“Oh,” you frowned, sitting up and getting out of your seat. You stretched your limbs, yawning once more as you held your hand up above your head. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” You sighed. 

“You’re just so peaceful when you sleep. I couldn’t,” he explained. 

You smiled and went to get your luggage. “Thanks, Spence. But everyone is probably waiting for me now.” 

“No, it’s alright. We can’t go and see the crime scene yet anyways.” 

“How come?” You asked. “Not prepped for us,” Spencer answered. 

“Since when does a crime scene need to be prepped for the FBI?” You snorted. 

“You’d be surprised,” Spencer let out a breathy chuckle. 

You put your duffle bag over your shoulders and handing Spencer his, holding your hand out for Spencer to take. “Join me down the stairs?” 

“Of course,” he grinned, standing up and taking your hand into his and his bag.

You two walked off the jet, going over to the SUV. Spencer drove you two to the hotel where you dropped off your things, immediately going to the police station. 

“ ‘Bout time!” Matt exclaimed, seeing you two walking through the doors. 

You chuckled, “Sorry. Looks like the coffee wore off and I finally crashed.” 

“It’s alright. I think the scene is ready for you guys to look at now,” he said. 

“Great,” you smiled. 

You and Spencer found Tara, going into the SUV once again, driving to the house where the parents were killed and children taken. 

“Wow, I’ve never seen this much yellow tape in my life,” you chuckled. “Yeah. It’s definitely not an eye sore,” Tara chortled, stepping over the caution tape. 

You and Spencer followed her, going up to the police offers that were talking at the front door. 

“Hi, we’re FBI agent with the BAU. I’m Doctor Tara Lewis, this is Doctor Spencer Reid, and Agent Y/n L/n,” Tara introduced you all. 

You smiled and shook the two officer’s hand. “Nice to meet you two.” 

“Likewise. I’m Officer Santiago and this is Officer Reynolds. The parents were killed in two different places. The father in the bedroom, mother in the oldest child’s room.” 

“Lovely. Can’t wait to see,” Tara smiled sarcastically. 

“Oh, I bet. Go ahead and go in, let us know if you find anything, please,” Reynolds said. 

You nodded and stepped into the house, cringing at the heavy smell of bleach. 

“God. It’s like a hospital in here, but twenty times worse!” You held your nose. “I should’ve told Emily I needed to stay back with Penelope.” 

“Oh, this is nothing,” Spencer smirked. “Wait until you see where they all got killed.” 

“Ew, Spence!” You shrieked. “You’re supposed to protect me from all that.” 

He chuckled, “All part of the job, baby.” 

You nodded and sighed, knowing that he was right. As always. You three walked up the stairs, looking at where the father was killed. There was an enormous amount of blood of the bedsheets and some on the corner of the right nightstand, some splatters that were below on the floor. 

“So,” you started. “We’re looking at a team, right? I mean, there’s no way that the unsub could kill the father without the mom noticing.” 

“Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking’,” Tara nodded. “Well, I could be possible,” Spencer contradicted.

You and Tara looked at each other, confused. 

“Yeah, how?” You asked.

 “Well,” Spencer said, walking over to the bed. “The unsub could’ve choked or suffocated the father in his sleep. I mean, there were ligature marks around his neck, right?” 

“True. And the mom was saying goodnight to her children, so she obviously didn’t see her husband get killed,” Tara added on. 

You furrowed your brows, stepped out of the parents’s bedroom, going to the child’s. 

“Yeah, but, what about the kid? I mean, wouldn’t it have screamed and fought and ran out of the house?” You asked. 

Tara looked to you, eyes widening in surprise. “Yeah, that is a good thought. So… unsub number one is killing the father while unsub number two is kidnapping the mom slash killing the child…” 

“No, that wouldn't work. Maybe it’s a group of three?” Spencer suggested. 

“Maybe,” Tara shrugged. 

You stepped into the child’s bedroom, scrunching your nose as a foul smell wafted under your nose. You walked around, covering your nose with your sleeve. You saw the blood on the bedsheets and nightstand table. 

“Looks like the unsubs all have the same MO’s,” you muttered. 

You opened the closet, seeing nothing but toys, clothes, and shoes. You closed the doors, looking around the walls, your heart sinking as you saw all the finger pantings and pictures of family and friends. You walked up to the wall, losing your balance as you tripped on a a long, soft object. 

You let out a yelp, falling on your shoulder. You groaned in pain, turning on your back while holding your injured side. You looked around for the object you tripped on, frowning as you couldn’t find it. Something pale caught the corner of your eyes. You raised your brow, getting up on your knees and moving closer. 

“What the —” You muttered, your voice getting caught in your throat as you realised it was an arm sticking out under the bed. “Oh, my —” You gasped, peering under the bed, seeing the dead body of one of the children. “Oh, my God!” You shouted, scooting back, your back hitting the wall as you stared at the lifeless body. Tears welled up in your eyes and you put your hand to your mouth, loud and broken sobs escaping your throat. 

The boy couldn’t have been more than a few days old, yet it was still lying there. You could see the lifelessness in his eyes, and still the fear. There was a slit across his throat and cheek, his upper chest red with with green and purple bruises. You felt nauseas and cold, your heart sinking all the way down past your stomach. Your body was shaking and you couldn’t tear your eyes off of the body, no matter how hard you tried. 

You heard the footsteps of your colleagues, their voices calling your name. 

“Y/n, where are — O-Oh, my God.” Spencer’s eyes widened as he saw you crying on the floor. He immediately dropped down to his knees, taking you into his arms. “What happened.” 

You were unable to move, your eyes staring wide at the body. Spencer followed your gaze, his own heart dropping down to his chest. 

“Oh, man. Um,” Spencer said, looking away from the body and to you. His heart broke as he saw you so horrified. He put his hand on your cheek gently, turning your face so you were no longer looking at the body. “Let’s get you to out of here, alright?” 

You nodded slowly, your breaths becoming laboured as you tried to calm yourself down in Spencer’s arms. He got up, taking you with him. He walked you out of the room, coming face-to-face with Tara. 

“What happened?” Tara gasped. 

“Looks like the unsubs left the older boy. Tell the police officers, I need to get Y/n out of here,” Spencer said. 

Tara looked at you, nodding without hesitation. She let you two go, Spencer walking you down the stairs slowly. You exited the house, still taking heavy breathes as the image of the boy haunted your thoughts. Spencer gently got you seated into the car, buckling you in. He went to the driver’s seat, getting in and starting to drive. 

You two sat in the silence for thirty minutes while Spencer drove around. You looked at the window the whole time, your eyes glossy and strained from crying and keeping them open. Whenever you closed your eyes, even to just blink, flashes of the dead boy raced through your mind. Spencer waited patiently for you to speak, understanding how shocked and horrified you were. 

He parked in a Burger King parking lot, sighing and looking at you. He gingerly put his hand on your shoulder, only for you to shrug him away. 

“Y/n,” he sighed. 

“No,” you grumbled. “Take me back.” 

“I think it would be smart if you took the day off. Seeing a dead body, especially a child’s and one you had no idea exited, can really throw you off. The first time I saw a dead body…. Man, I-I was sick to my stomach. I—” 

“Shut up!” You exclaimed, waving your hands in the hair. You looked at him, your chest heaving up and down. Your brows were furrowed and mouth open, your eyes glaring at him.  “Just shut up, Spencer!” 

His mouth went agape, hurt flashing though his eyes. He didn’t let your outburst  dampen his spirits, though. He knew you were embarrassed and still horrified, and that you didn’t like to feel belittled. So he gave you a small, comforting smile, taking your hands into his. You didn’t move away this time, but you avoided any and all eye contact. 

“I know how you feel, babe,” he sympathised. “Yeah, I bet,” you muttered, your voice hoarse and dry. 

He frowned and unbuckled, leaning closer to you. He put his hand on your chin, turning your head with strength and force. You eventually met his eyes, his smile dropping as he saw tears rolling down your cheeks once again, your lips pulled into a pout. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” he assured, cupping your cheek and wiping your tears away with his thumb. 

“N-No, it’s not,” you sobbed, shaking your head. “I-I’m so weak. I should’ve been ready. This is what I’ve been tra-trainging for and I suddenly turn into a freaking wuss? I-I… I… It’s so embarrassing!” You shoulders racked with sobs as you hung your head down to cry. 

“Oh, baby,” Spencer sighed, taking your head in both of his hands. He held your head up again, bringing his face close to yours. He put his forehead against yours, kissing the tip of your nose lightly. “It’s no embarrassing, alright? Your reaction was a perfectly normal reaction to seeing a dead child’s body. Honestly, if you didn’t cry and freak out, I would be worried,” he chuckled. 

You gave him a watery smile, laughing with him. “Y-Yeah, I s-suppose,” you sniffled. “B-But,” you started. “I-It makes me look weak. And I don’t want to look weak, Spence. A-All my life I’ve been told —” 

He smiled widely, leaning back so he could look you in the eyes. “You’re not weak, Y/n. You never could be, even if you tried. You’re just human, and that’s fine. It’s amazing, honestly. You know, I am so proud of you, babe.”

You frowned, “Why?”

“Because today was your first day out on the field, and you did fantastic. It can only get better from here.” 

“Y-You really think so?” You sniffed, wiping your nose with your sleeve. 

“I know so,” he nodded confidently. “And it’s okay to show weakness, Y/n. No weakness is the real weakness.” 

“Such wise words,” you laughed. He laughed with you and he shrugged. “I try.” 

You laid your head back on the headrest, looking a him through tired eyes. “Thanks, Spencer. It really means a lot.” 

He nodded with a smile. “Of course, honey. Now, why don’t you say we get something to eat, then go back to the precinct?” 

“Yeah,” you nodded, “Sounds great.” 

He nodded and buckled himself back in, putting his hand on the gearshift and looking to you. 

“I’m proud of you, you know that?”

You smiled shyly, heat scorching your cheeks. “Yeah, I know. You’ve already told me.” 

“Just making sure you know, baby.” 

———— 

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