#they talked about so many things and yet

[brbsoulnomming]

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies Part 18

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | AO3

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Fortunately, Eddie doesn't actually have to participate much once he and Robin make it back to the living room. The best seating seems to be reserved for the injured and injured adjacent, since Max is already sitting between Lucas and El on one of the couches, with Dustin and Steve on the other. Steve scoots over, leaving the middle cushion open for Eddie to claim, and Robin comes to sit on the armrest of the couch by Steve. He drapes his arm over her thigh, and she checks his shoulder with her hip, shooting him a little smile.

He watches them for a moment, attempting to be an adult and sort out what he's feeling about it now that he knows Steve and Robin are soulmates, but after a few moments he concedes that's going to take longer to process than he's got right now.

Everyone else is scattered around the room in various seating - Will and Mike squished together in the armchair right by Max, Lucas, and El's couch, Erica curled up in the second armchair, Nancy, Jonathan, and Argyle occupying what looks like chairs dragged in from the dining room.

Conversation goes around in circles. There isn't an active threat forcing them into a quick decision, which apparently means they interrupt each other and veer off on tangents and attempt to solve at least four problems at once.

Eddie's a little too floaty from the pain meds - and a little too occupied with Steve's thigh pressed up right against his own - to join, but it's nice, listening to them. It reminds him he's not alone.

They talk about what to do with Vecna - nothing, for the moment, just continue to let El rest and rebuild her powers, with El and Will keeping an eye on Upside Down things; what to do about the gates still open in Hawkins - regular patrols, no one goes out alone and everyone brings a weapon and their walkie with them at all times; what to do with Hopper, who has apparently been alive this whole time and was being held in a Russian prison after being captured at Starcourt - which, sure, of course, it's not like that's the craziest thing that's happened this week. Some guy named Murray is working with his contacts and they're going to spin a story to present to the Hawkins PD.

Eddie watches Steve out of the corner of his eye when he feels him go tense at that one, sees him shift his hand on Robin's leg so it's palm up. She immediately takes it, lacing their fingers together and giving his hand a squeeze. He debates with himself for only a moment before he lets his own hand rest on Steve's knee, squeezing it lightly as well.

Both Robin and Steve turn to him, smiling at him in a way that makes warmth bloom beneath his ribs - Steve with surprised affection, and Robin with a pleased little knowing. He ducks his head and pretends to be really focused on what the group is arguing about.

At some point, the conversation shifts to what they're going to do about Eddie's situation, and, unfortunately, then he really does have to focus.

He doesn't really want to. They don't really seem to have a lot of ideas other than to get Hopper reinstated at Hawkins PD, to work with Murray to come up with a story to pin everything on Henry Creel, carrying on in his father's footsteps.

It just makes him tired.

"This is a lot of talking for what's essentially wait until everyone's back up to full strength and then we can figure out the details," he says after a while.

Steve snorts next to him. "It's not like Eddie's going anywhere," he tells the others. "He's safe here until we figure it out."

Some part of Eddie - the Eddie he was before all this, who didn't need anyone and was convinced Steve Harrington was a jackass - kind of wants to bitch about being under house arrest at the Harrington palace.

But, well. That part is a fading ember compared to the rest of him that wants to grab onto that and take it as an excuse to make himself at home in Steve's life and never leave. The rest of him wants everyone to just get the hell out already, so he can stop trying to pretend he isn't pants shittingly nervous about finally telling Steve he thinks they're soulmates.

Platonic soulmates, he reminds himself.

It takes forever.

Everyone stays for dinner, and Eddie really wants to be pleased about that, to bask in the sounds of so much life, of bickering and teasing and shouting and a fierce, aching love that's woven into every word spoken and every one left unspoken, into every gesture and laugh and shout. To bask in the way that it includes him, how easily he's been folded into it all, how it makes him itchy and content all at once. To bask in the way it makes Steve come alive, golden and vibrant and looking like he's never been happier.

It's just that it also makes him even more antsy about confirming once and for all if Steve is his soulmate, and every time he sees him light up or look so goddamn fond beneath a bitchy expression, he kind of wants to bite him. Or, barring that, get his hands on him, run his fingers over the words etched on Steve's skin to see if it's really true, what he's heard about. If it really does feel like nothing else when your soulmate finally touches the words they've marked you with forever.

Robin keeps shooting these little looks at him, which doesn't help at all, especially because he catches Steve looking back and forth between them with a little scrunch to his forehead - that only gets deeper every time Steve meets Robin's eyes and she just looks back at him, wide eyed and innocent.

She does loudly mention her curfew multiple times, though, and that she's sure Eddie is exhausted after being subjected to them all day, which is worth the protesting shouts she gets from his Hellfire trio.

When they finally all leave, well. Eddie is kind of exhausted, and he tips his head back to rest on the back of the couch for a moment.

"You want me to carry you upstairs?" Steve asks.

His voice is teasing, but when Eddie cracks open one eye to look at him, he looks sincere.

"Thanks," Eddie grumbles. "But I think I'll try to keep what's left of my dignity."

He does kind of want Steve to carry him up, is the thing, but he definitely doesn't want to admit it. Or to deal with it while he's still trying to figure out how the hell he wants to do this.

Steve looks like he wants to say something scathing about Eddie's dignity, but he holds himself back, and offers out a hand to help him up instead.

"Yeah, yeah," Eddie grumbles, deciding to respond to whatever Steve thought of anyway, just to show him that nope, he can't get away with that.

He does take his hand, though, and leans on him as they walk up the stairs. He counts each step as they go, telling himself over and over that okay, he needs to get this sorted out before they reach the halfway point - before they reach the top - before they make it halfway down the hall - at least before they get to Steve's room, come on -

Eddie plops down onto Steve's bed, silently cursing himself as he accepts the bottle of meds Steve offers him, downs two and hands it back.

"So," Eddie says, because he's an idiot. "You and Robin, huh?"

Steve's brow furrows in confusion, which - yeah, fuck, of course it does, because Eddie literally announced that out of no where, and he focuses on that and not on how cute Steve looks.

"She told me this morning," he clarifies. "About the whole two soulmate thing."

His expression clears up, goes all warm and fond even as he rolls his eyes. "That's what all those looks were about, I knew it was something."

When he looks back at Eddie, his expression is a little more closed, eyes a little wary. "Yeah. She and I are soulmates, and we've both got another one we haven't found yet."

Eddie nods, hoping he's accurately conveying just how cool he is with this. In the grand scheme of things, his maybe soulmate having another soulmate is a whole hell of a lot more normal than everything else that's happened in his life recently. "The same one, you think?"

That gets a small smile. "Nah, we've compared." Steve picks at the label on the bottle of pills, not looking at him. "You don't think it's weird? Or I'm - just greedy, or something?"

He flinches, just a little, because if he's being honest - yeah, if he'd found out a year ago, hell even a few months ago, that Steve Harrington had two soulmates, he probably would have rolled his eyes and called him greedy. Little rich boy taking more than his share, Mr. Popular Jackass who of course has two people destined to fall over him. He thinks back to what his uncle had said to him, before high school, and feels shame curl at the bottom of his gut.

"I think," Eddie says after a long moment, because he's still an idiot, but he doesn't want to run anymore, he doesn't. "That I'm your other one. Your - uh, platonic. You and me, platonic soulmates."

Steve looks - all right, Eddie can't actually figure out how he looks.

"I think I like weird," he continues, because he doesn't know how to shut up. "I think you're so, so different from everything I thought you were, and I'm still a little pissed off about that, man, the Munson Doctrine was sacred and here you are blowing it all up. I think if I had to have a jock for a platonic soulmate, I don't want it to be anyone but you."

Steve's looking up at him with these huge, liquid eyes, now, and Eddie's tongue feels like it's glued to his mouth, and then -

"I didn't miss you before I even met you," Steve says, and Eddie feels the quick prickle of heat around his ankle, and -

"Holy shit," he says, laughing because he doesn't know what else to do with all the feeling bubbling up inside of him, because -

Because Steve'd told him that Nancy was the only person that he'd ever wanted to be his soulmate so bad that he wanted to test it, and it - it's not the same, it's not, and when he comes down from the high of having found his soulmate he's going to realize how fucked he is if he doesn't get over this crush on him, but -

"I didn't think about my soulmate all that often," he says, just so Steve can have the same feeling he does, and then he ducks his head a little, hand tugging his hair in front of his mouth. "Yeah? You wanted it to be me, too?"

Steve quirks a little smile. "Yeah. I really did."

Eddie groans. "Jesus, Steve, you can't just say stuff like that to me."

Steve's smile grows. "Too bad. I'm going to say stuff like that all the time, you're going to have to learn to take it."

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck don't think about that, nope, don't think about Steve - his soulmate Steve - telling him how much he wants him and showing Eddie how to take it and - Eddie laughs, feeling it bubble up through his chest, a little bit giddy and a little bit hysterical.

Before he knows it, Steve's huffing out a little laugh, too. "I knew you lied in there with Mike, man, I could feel it. I just couldn't drop my pants in the middle of the living room to check what it was, but when I did, you were going to be so busted."

"I mean, you could have. There were a few people in there who probably would've appreciated the view," Eddie teases. "You might've scarred Mike for life, though."

Steve's lip curls into a grimace, and then they're both giggling again.

"Thanks for being brave," Steve tells him quietly when they've managed to put a lid on their laughing.

Eddie twitches, barely resisting the urge to twist to check to see if he's got a new lie on him. It's just - Eddie hasn't been brave. The one time he did decide to be brave, he nearly died, and people keep yelling or almost crying at him about it, so he's pretty sure they think that was more stupid than brave. "For being what now?"

"For being brave about this," Steve says. "I've kind of wondered if it might be you for a while, just kept telling myself it wasn't the right time to ask."

Oh. All right, yeah, he did beat Steve to it, didn't he? He grins at him. "So when did you first start wanting it to be me, huh?"

Steve rolls his eyes, and for a few moments Eddie thinks he's not going to answer, but then he says, "In the woods, when we were trying to find the gate. After you tried to make Lucas feel better, got him and Dustin distracted."

That - Eddie wasn't expecting that, even though part of him thinks yeah, it would be about the kids. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I suspected earlier. There wasn't a lot that could give you away, but what you said about jocks being violent monarchs - some of your table speeches had similar phrasing."

Fuck.

It's - he'd known, that he and his soulmate would have to talk about why they stopped talking. Known that he and Steve would have to talk about it. He'd just kind of hoped it was another one of those things he could add to his pile of later.

"Steve," he says softly, but he can't think of what to say to continue, and it just hangs heavily between them.

"I know," Steve says after a moment. "I figured that was why you stopped talking to me. That you realized I was one of the kind of people you hated."

He wants to tell Steve that he wasn't, but he's too worried it'll be a lie. Steve was the kind of person that Eddie used to hate - not really because of anything Steve had done, but because of what Eddie assumed about him, because it was easier to believe all the popular kids were the same than maybe some of them were different.

"You aren't," he says instead. "The guy I was talking about - he graduated the year before you - you're nothing like him. You weren't even back when we were in high school. You weren't a bully, man, just kind of a bitch. I was the one who didn't care about the difference."

Steve considers that for a moment. Then, "I'm still kind of a bitch."

Eddie lets out a bark of startled laughter, hand coming up to press against his abdomen. "Fuck, dude, don't be funny, it pulls at my stitches."

Steve grins at him, entirely unapologetic.

Eddie almost hates to ruin it, but - shit, he has to know, and he lets out a slow exhale. "That why you stopped talking to me, because you knew I didn't want you to?"

Steve's grin fades, but he looks like he'd kind of been expecting that question. "That was part of it. But also, I was mad at you," he admits. "Everyone always had these expectations of who I was and who they wanted me to be, and when I saw you talking about jocks and popular kids like they were the enemy, I realized you had them, too. I knew I wasn't going to live up to yours."

"Fuck my expectations, you're better than anything I could have dreamed of." Eddie - hadn't meant to say that, and he spends a quick moment freaking out a little in the back of his mind, because that didn't sound platonic at all.

Steve doesn't seem to think anything of it, though, just gives him a pleased little smile, ducking his head like he thinks it's going to hide how his ears have gone pink.

"It's not like your expectations were that unreasonable, lumping everyone together aside," Steve says. "I could have taken a step back and wondered why it pissed me off that you expected me not to be a violent jackass, but I was too busy getting wrapped up in all that popularity shit. I'm sorry for that."

There's a pause, then, "I'm not sorry for being a jock, though. I like sports, that's not going to change."

"I don't want it to change," Eddie says, but it comes out more like a promise. "You already did a hell of a lot of changing, man."

Steve gives him a little crooked smile. "I guess a good thump on the head will do that to you."

Eddie grimaces. "Upside Down shit?"

"Nah, just Nancy and Jonathan, actually. When Jonathan and I had that fight in the alley, I - I was angry, and hurt, and I wanted to make him hurt. It comes easy, you know, knowing what to say to hurt someone the most. How to be cruel."

The other side of being good with people, yeah, Eddie knows that. He'd never been on the receiving end of it, but he'd heard the gossip about what happened when Steve Harrington got pissed. It's what he meant when he said Steve was a bitch.

"Later, I was sitting with Tommy and Carol, listening to them talk about jumping him as soon as he was released from the station and I just kept thinking - I sounded exactly like my dad in that alley. That's the kind of people that Tommy and Carol were, and that's who I was going to be if I stuck with them."

"But you didn't," Eddie says.

"But I didn't," Steve agrees, giving a little shrug.

Eddie's quiet, in case Steve wants to say more, but it seems like he's done talking about that, because after a few moments he gives Eddie a little smile.

"So I, uh. I told you mine, you gotta tell me yours now. When did you change your mind and decide you wanted it to be me?"

"Oh, uh. Same as you, actually. I didn't admit it until after the first time in the Upside Down, but when we were in the woods, and you looked at me like I was doing something good, and I - yeah." Eddie's pretty sure he's a little flushed, now, and he looks away.

Steve just gives a little hum, and Eddie looks back at him, eyes narrowed, but he can't quite make out his expression. Eddie barrels on past all that, then, not giving him time to do - whatever that face he's making is a sign of.

"I wondered way earlier, though," he adds. "I kept getting stuff about not being all that hurt and not wanting to go to the hospital, and then you'd show up all beat up. Which, by the way, I was really mad at you for, you kept scaring the shit out of me."

"Sorry," Steve says, and he does look reasonably apologetic. "At least I went to the hospital this time?"

Eddie raises one eyebrow, assuming the withering look he gives him is enough to tell him exactly what he thinks about that. "How about you stop needing to go to the hospital, huh?"

Steve looks at him, quiet for a long moment. Then, "You're the one who said I'm a paladin."

"And I already regret it." Eddie nudges him with one knee. "Mike's convinced you're a barbarian, anyway."

Steve makes a face, like he's immediately having some regrets of his own. "Mike's in on this now? I'm still not playing with you guys any time soon."

Eddie grins at him. "Any time soon isn't never, man, I-"

He cuts off as he realizes that this is the second time that Steve has said he wasn't playing any time soon, and it prompts him to remember -

"You lied!" he shouts gleefully.

"What?" Steve asks, caught off guard.

"Hang on, gimme - just let me-" Eddie grunts as he tries to pull off his sweatshirt too quickly, ends up twinging his shoulder, and has to do it more slowly.

"There," he says triumphantly. "Left shoulder blade, it says I'm never going to play this thing with you, man, you might as well stop asking."

Steve wrinkles his nose. "How do you know that was about this?"

"Because you're good at adjusting your words to make sure what you're saying isn't technically a lie, and this fits. I'm right, aren't I?"

Steve is looking at him like - well, like Eddie probably looked at Steve when Steve told him that he knew what it meant when Eddie's face shut down. Like he didn't realize Eddie noticed that about him, and Eddie almost lets himself get tripped up on it, but - no, he doesn't want to go there, doesn't want to let them get off track.

Instead, he just waggles his eyebrows at Steve, who groans.

"Okay, okay. I knew after I said it that those kids were going to wear me down sooner or later, I just didn't want them to know that."

Eddie scoots a little closer, until their knees are brushing together. "Have you played yet?"

Steve tips his head back, like he's looking to the heavens for support. "I played. Erica wanted to practice as a DM, so Robin, Dustin, and I played for her first game. And before you ask - yes, I did have a good time, but I don't really think it's something I'd want to do all the time."

Yeah, all right, that's fair enough, and it doesn't really put a damper on Eddie's glee. It means it's pretty likely that he could get Steve to play for a one-shot sometime, maybe even a short campaign.

If he's honest, part of him was a little worried that he might not look at D&D the same way after all of the comparisons to a campaign he was doing, but no, he feels the same excited energy that he has before. It's a relief to know that this wasn't taken from him.

Steve's tipped his head back down and is looking at him, now - or, more accurately, looking at his bare torso, eyes scanning a clear line from his neck and shoulders down to his waist, and back up again. Eddie's mouth goes dry, and abruptly he feels - self conscious? Hesitant? Some kind of nervous energy, which is stupid, because it's not like Steve Harrington would - but shit, Eddie knows the way Steve looked at him after washing his hair, he doesn't think he was so out of it that he could conjure that out of nowhere -

"Let me get the first aid kit," Steve says, pushing himself up.

And right, yeah, the first aid kit. For the bandages that Eddie almost forgot he was wearing, which is a far more likely reason that Steve was staring at his bare chest, except - well. Except there'd been a hunger in Steve's eyes, and Eddie doesn't think it's just because the guy was so damn eager to change out his bandages.

He drops it, though, reminds himself platonic over and over again until Steve comes back with his massive first aid kit.

Steve strips off his own sweater before he sits back down on the bed, and Eddie doesn't bother to try not to look. Now he doesn't have to feel bad about letting his gaze sweep over every bit of that perfect, hairy chest, eagerly reading any bit of writing he can see, and - wait.

"Can I?" Eddie asks, making grabby hands at him.

Steve looks down at himself, sees where Eddie had been staring - at I love it when coffee is so weak you can barely taste it just below his collarbone - and huffs out a little laugh. "Yeah, sure."

Eddie reaches out, just barely brushing over the words with his fingertips, and Steve sucks in a harsh breath.

"Bad?" Eddie asks, going still.

"No," Steve says. "Just different."

He's going to take that as permission to continue, so he keeps going, rubbing his thumb over If I could have a whole swarm of silverfish in my room, I'd be so happy on Steve's side. Steve shivers, and Eddie reminds himself - platonic.

"Here, let me-" Steve reaches down, carefully peeling off the bandages from around his stomach.

His demobat bites look a lot better than the last time Eddie saw them - less open and weeping, more stitched and healing, which makes Eddie give a soft sigh of relief.

There's ink leading up to one of the bites, looking like it got cut off, and Eddie leans in a little to see it better.

For your mo, it says, and Eddie barks out a laugh.

"For your modesty, dude," he says, lightly touching it with one fingertip. "It caught me. It was for my own sanity, I knew I was going to keep trying to see your writing."

Steve huffs out a little laugh. "I didn't even feel it."

"The gaping stomach wound probably edged it out a little," Eddie teases. "You feel it now?"

Steve's gaze catches and locks on his. "Yeah."

Eddie swallows. "You said it was different?"

Steve hums an affirmative. "From Robin's. It feels different when she touches her words."

Right.

Of course it does.

"How does hers feel?" he asks. He half fears it'll come out jealous, but - no, it just sounds curious, and he realizes that's mostly what he feels.

Curiosity, not jealousy.

"It's changed, but at first it was… fizzy," Steve says. "Like butterflies in your stomach, or drinking a beer too fast. Now it's like - holding hands in the rain, or the first drink of hot apple cider when it's cold. Like coming home."

Huh.

"Poetic," he says, half teasing and half sincere. "What does mine feel like?"

Steve considers that for a moment. "Electric," he decides. "Like static shock, or the moment before a first kiss. Or a metal guitar solo in the Upside Down," he adds slyly, then reaches out for him. "Can I…?"

"Yeah, uh, go ahead."

Steve's eyes scan over him again, like he's looking for something, and Eddie's gaze drops down automatically to his own torso. Which - is covered in gauze and medical tape, and at this point he's pretty sure there's more bandage showing than skin.

"Not a lot of real estate left, though," he says.

It comes out shakier than he'd meant it to, and he sucks in a ragged breath. If at least one of his lies on Steve had gotten cut off, he knows that means a decent number of the words on his own skin are gone.

Fuck.

He hasn't really looked at himself, but now he wonders which ones it is, what words he'll never see again. If it's the ones that he read over and over again, that made him smile so wide when he was fourteen, the ones that made him so fucking angry, the ones that scared the shit out of him. It shouldn't matter, he tells himself, because they aren't meant to have this many words between them anyway. It's supposed to mean there's something wrong with them, that there's too many lies to make things work, but - it's different, it means something else.

It's always meant something else, to Eddie.

"Hey," Steve's saying softly. "Eddie, hey, look at me."

Eddie nods, already preparing to hear Steve tell him that it's okay, that it's better this way, that less words are a good thing, and then looks up.

"I'm not taking my rain check now."

There's a sting somewhere on his lower back, and Eddie blinks at him.

"What?" he asks.

"My rain check," Steve repeats, like it's supposed to make more sense a second time. "To tell you the things I like about you. I'm not taking it right now."

Eddie's mouth goes dry, and he feels like he can't do anything but stare at him.

"I don't think you have a good heart," Steve says.

Lie, blooming over his spine.

"I don't think you're clever. I don't find you funny. I don't think you're really good with the kids. I don't think you're brave."

Each one of them a lie, writing themselves on Eddie's skin forever, and every one of them steals more and more of Eddie's breath. Fuck, if he keeps going, Eddie's going to kiss him, going to ruin this right after he found it.

"Steve," Eddie says, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm not proud of you."

"Touch me," Eddie blurts out, sounding a little strangled.

Steve's brows furrow, pupils blown wide as he looks at him.

Eddie forcibly wrangles his thoughts back into some semblance of order. "Didn't you want to…?" he trails off, gesturing at his own torso, jerking a thumb at his shoulder where he knows at least some writing is visible.

"Oh!" Steve swallows, looking like now he's the one who has to get his thoughts back in order. "Yeah, yeah I did."

He reaches out determinedly before Eddie can try to think too much into that, resting his palm flat on Eddie's chest for a moment - right over his heart, and Eddie wonders if he can feel how quickly it's beating, if he - then it slides up, smoothing over where some of his words peek out from under the bandages.

Fuck.

Despite Steve's halting poetry about how his soulmate touches felt, Eddie wasn't prepared for this. It feels like -

It feels like Steve's fingers running through his hair, blunt nails scratching over his scalp, little goosebumps shuddering over his skin. Like hot water washing everything away, strong hands cradling his head in their grip.

"Oh," he breathes out, not really meaning to, but his entire brain has just shut off.

"Yeah?" Steve asks, sounding pleased, and his hand sweeps up, stroking over any bit of soulmate ink he can find. "What's it feel like?"

"Like a hot shower after a week in the Upside Down," Eddie tells him, because that's true, and easier than admitting it feels like when Steve washed his hair for him.

Steve huffs out a little laugh. "Pretty damn good, then," he teases, then pulls his hand away. "Speaking of showers - we should both probably take one before we change these bandages. You want help with yours?"

Yes, fuck yes, he really does.

And yet -

"Nah," he says, and it's not a lie. He knows there's no way he can handle being in the shower with Steve after all this. "I can stand long enough now, I should be good."

If Eddie didn't know any better, he'd think there was a brief flash of disappointment in Steve's eyes. But he doesn't say anything, just helps him remove his bandages, gets out a clean set of clothes for him and gets the shower going.

"I'll be right outside, just yell if you need anything," Steve says before he steps out of the bathroom and leaves the door open a crack.

Eddie takes a few deep breaths before he looks at himself in the mirror. It's… not as bad as he was expecting, really. He'll have scars over his stomach, scattered across his chest, curving up to his neck, but it's no where near as bad as it could have been if the bats had been able to go at him even just a little longer.

He's lucky, in more ways than one.

The shower goes - fine. He manages. He can't really wash his hair, but he gets the rest of him okay, gets to look at Steve's shower products and grin a little at his shampoo and conditioner - Faberge Organics, with honey and wheat germ oil. When he's finished, he even manages to mostly towel off and get dressed, forgoing the shirt for the moment.

He pokes through the first aid kit while he waits for Steve to take his turn in the bathroom, not entirely surprised at how well stocked it is, considering everything.

When Steve's finished, Eddie insists on bandaging him up first, carefully wrapping them around his stomach and trying not to think about Nancy doing this for him in the Upside Down, or what he'd thought it might mean then, or what it means that Eddie's doing it for him now.

It means they're soulmates, and Steve trusts him. When it comes down to it, that's all that really matters.

When he's finished, Steve twists a little so Eddie can spread some ointment over his shoulders and back, hissing in sympathy at the healing skin there.

Steve slips on a short sleeved t-shirt, then returns the favor.

His hands brush over the words on Eddie's skin often enough that he's reasonably sure it's purposeful, especially because they linger on the ones that Steve'd just put on him.

Eddie huffs out a little laugh, more to diffuse the way the feeling keeps bubbling up inside him than anything else. "This a thing for you?" he teases.

To his surprise, Steve's ears go a little pink. "I mean, kind of? It's - nice. I know everyone says that having so many lies is bad, and it's supposed to mean more when you only have a few to touch like this, but…"

He trails off, but he looks like he wants to say more, so Eddie stays quiet as Steve finishes bandaging him up.

"Did you know you can get them removed?" Steve asks after he's done.

There's a surge of panic, and Steve must see it in his eyes, because Steve's own eyes widen.

"Shit, I'm sorry, that - wow, that was really bad timing, I can't believe I just said that when you-" he cuts off, gesturing at Eddie's torso. "I don't want to remove ours, I'd never remove them."

The panic fades, a little, though he still has to resist the urge to cup his hand over his own side, where some of his words are missing.

"I'm okay," he says after a moment. "You can keep going."

Steve frowns, looking uncertain.

"Please," Eddie adds. "I like it when you talk to me like this."

And that's the right thing to say, because it makes Steve light up a little.

"Okay," he says. "Just - let me know if it's too much, okay?"

Eddie nods.

"My parents never had any visible words, no matter what they wore," Steve continues after a moment. "It was a point of pride."

Of course it was. It usually is - that's not something exclusive to the rich. The fewer lies you have, the better your match is, everyone is supposed to want that.

"They always told me to be careful what I said, that my match was going to be someone like them, someone who didn't have lies between them. Said I would be messing up her life if I told too many lies and she had to have a visible mark. I believed them."

"What changed?" Eddie asks, before he can help himself.

Steve gives him a crooked little smile. "When I was like eleven or twelve, my mom got a few on her arm, where she'd have to wear long sleeves to hide them. Never knew what they said, but I saw them. I was… I don't know, shocked, I guess. I couldn't believe what happened. She wore long sleeves for a couple of days, and the next time I saw her arm, they were gone. I asked her what happened, and she just - looked at me, and told me it was nothing to worry about. 'The Harringtons aren't liars, sweetheart, those were a mistake.'"

Jesus Christ.

"I didn't really know what to think at first. But then I heard her and my dad fighting. She was yelling at him about the money she just wasted getting his little mistakes corrected." Steve's face mimics a cold expression, then, a haughty sneer at his lips as he says, "'What good is all that Harrington charm if you can't even get your little bimbos into bed with you without lying? The next time I see any words, that's the end of your trips alone.'"

He deflates, rubbing absently at the back of his neck. "It was like - the cheating wasn't even worth fighting about anymore, but the lying? That's when I started realizing that it was all about appearances with them."

Eddie's quiet for a long moment, fitting all of that into what he knows about Steve - and what he tried to figure out about his soulmate, all those years ago. "She was the one you lied to about being able to handle it by yourself."

That little crooked smile is back. "Yeah, after she started going with my dad on his business trips. I figured out how to handle it eventually. You, uh. You really helped a lot, you know, when you started talking to me. Made me feel like I wasn't alone."

Fuck if that doesnt make him feel all warm and pleased, knowing that Steve had gotten something out of it like Eddie did, even if it had gone sour for a while.

"My uncle helped me talk to you most of the time," Eddie admits. "I think he knew that it was probably going to go south at some point, but he wanted me to figure that out on my own, you know?"

Steve smiles. "Your uncle sounds like a good guy."

"He is," Eddie replies, trying to push past the twisting in his gut at the reminder that Uncle Wayne is out there with no idea what's happened to him right now. "Course, he also called us little jackasses with no impulse control."

That makes Steve laugh. "He was probably right," he says, eyes gleaming with mirth. "Anyway, I, yeah. It's how I figured out I had two soulmates, because Rob got freaked out at all the words appearing on her skin at first. It wasn't until we actually met that we figured out how we both really feel about them."

Eddie's breath catches, mouth going dry. He licks his lips, trying to work up enough saliva to speak. "How's that?"

Steve's quiet for a bit, brows scrunched just a little like he's trying to figure out how to put it into words. "They're a lifeline," he decides finally.

And what the fuck is Eddie supposed to do with that?

"So I just, yeah, it's kind of a thing for me." Steve runs his thumb over a scattering of ink on Eddie's sternum. "I get it."

Nope, no, Eddie is not equipped to handle this right now, not prepared to deal with the shuddering feeling that rocks into him with Steve's touch to some of his words at the same time that Steve just validated every feeling he's ever had about having so many lies splattered across his skin.

He sucks in a ragged breath, and just barely manages to get out, "Thanks. For, uh." Eddie clumsily jerks a hand at himself, vaguely in the direction of one of the lies that Steve had just said tonight.

"Yeah," Steve says, and fortunately for Eddie's everything, that's it.

Admittedly, Steve looks pretty drained, too, and Eddie gets the feeling that he's not the only one feeling wiped from this much emotional honesty.

With his soulmate.

He kind of thinks that exhaustion or not, there might be too much on his brain to sleep quickly tonight, but his brain has also apparently decided it would really rather just not.

It shuts off pretty much the second he's under the covers and flat on his back.

This ended up being the longest part so far, but I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it! We're definitely winding down now - I anticipate probably six or so more parts to this and then it'll be wrapped up.

-----

Part 19

Tag list (always happy to add more!): @vampireinthesun @koibug @estrellami-1 @mentalcyborg @allbimyself26 @questionablequeeries @the-s-is-silent @whimsicalwitchm @a-gae-af-racoon @tinyplanet95 @n0-1-important @velocitytimes2 @swimmingbirdrunningrock @newtstabber @jcmadgirl @roblingoblin285 @lexyvey @paperbackribs @goodolefashionedloverboi @evix-syne666 @raisedbylibrarians @stxrcrossed186 @nightmareglitter @greekgeek24 @starman-jpg @crazyhatlady86 @imfinereallyy @manda-panda-monium @deleataecount @prideandsensibility @chaoticvictorianspirit @maydillydally @disrespectedgoatman @scarlet-malfoy @i-less-than-three-you @hbyrde36 @hallucinatedjosten @dragonsandgayships @arepaconchocolate @g4ys0n @novelnovella @bisexualdisastersworld @ghostofyourvampiregf @scarletyeager @pettrichore @nerd-and-nervous @hiimlevi @queenie-ofthe-void @cinnamon-mushroomabomination

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Council of lovefools.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[trans-axolotl]

my gendered experience growing up as an intersex person was overwhelmingly defined by my responses and resistance to everything that got me labeled as a failure: failure to quickly get a gender assigned at birth, failure to go through a normal puberty and grow up into a woman, failure at meeting the standards for "complete womanhood" because of my intersex sex traits, and yet simultaneously failing to ever be acknowledged as a "real man" and being treated as a threat when I expressed I wanted to transition.

before i realized i was a man and came out as trans, the ways that girlhood was denied to me was very often humiliating and painful. locker rooms filled with other girls were a frequent source of shame. there were many big and small ways that i was told that my intersex body made me insufficient, incomplete, broken. i was forced onto estrogen, forced into shaving my body hair, and was constantly being told to change myself to better fit this mystical idea of a "normal woman." and even though I ultimately ended up becoming a man, the denial of girlhood was painful.

but i think that these things would have been even more difficult to navigate as an intersex girl if on top of everything I already said, i was having to cope with the denial of my girlhood while i was forced into boys locker rooms. if my doctors were forcing me onto testosterone hrt and refusing to even discuss estrogen, if all my legal paperwork had "M" on it and was a logistical nightmare to change, if every support group for my intersex variation labeled it as a "men's support group," if the LGBTQ community spaces i tried to join were misogynistic towards me often to the point of exile, if my self determination as an intersex girl was denied in most spaces of my life, and on and on and on. while listing all these things out i also don't want to make it seem like it's all about suffering and pain--so much of transition for me has been about joy in my self determination and how much it feels like a reclamation of autonomy to decide what I want my body and self to be like--i know this is an experience i share with so many of my trans intersex friends.

as an person who was AFAB, although there were many ways that trying to grow up as an intersex girl were a painful, logistical nightmare, many times and places that i was excluded from woman's spaces, etc. however, there was a simultaneous affirmation that i was right to strive for that in the first place. which is logic rooted in some fucked up compulsory dyadism, but also which would have made some things slightly easier or even possible at all if i had wanted to embrace being an intersex girl within this fucked up system.

pretty much every time i've seen people on tumblr talking about "afab transfems" in an intersex context, people seem happy to collapse these experiences and act like there's no meaningful distinction or point in distinguishing between different types of intersex embodiment. it seems incredibly extractive, to be perfectly honest with you--taking terms already used by a community to make meaning of their experiences and to expand and dilute that term enough that it means something pretty different than the original.

it's making me think about the concept of epistemic injustice, which is a term coined by Miranda Fricker to describe oppression related to knowledge, communication, and making meaning of the world. There's two subtypes of epistemic injustice: testimonial injustice and hermeneutical injustice. Testimonial injustice refers to the dynamic where marginalized people are labeled as not credible, excluded from conversations, and their testimony and knowledge is labeled as unreliable, even when they're the ones who are experts and have first hand experience of what people are talking about. (this is why i probably won't make this post rebloggable--i've noticed this pattern on tumblr many times where trans men speaking about transmisogyny get lots of notes and are given a lot of grace, where trans women are silenced, attacked for not having perfect wording, and otherwise delegitimized.)

the second type is called hermeneutical injustice. it describes how marginalized people are denied the right to make sense of the experiences in their own lives. this can look like preventing people from building community, terminology, a political understanding of themselves, and the interpretive resources needed to process how you live in the world.

this is a form of injustice that I think almost all intersex people are very familiar with--we are denied community and interpretive resources to the point that we're told we don't even exist, that intersex isn't a real word, and so many more examples that leave us isolated and with very few options for understanding what we're collectively experiencing. as an intersex person i really intimately understand how frustrating, confusing, and painful it is to not have words for your experiences, your identity, your life.

so it makes me really sad and pissed off when it seems like intersex people seem to be replicating this exact same type of epistemic injustice towards transfems and specifically towards intersex transfems. pretty much every time recently i see people talking about "afab transfems" they're doing so in a way that seems to deny that trans women even have the right to make sense of their own experiences in the world. there seems to be this mindset that these political frameworks, these interpretive resources that transfems have built up are just up for grabs for anyone. and then on top of that has come with it a lot of cruel, hateful language and direct attacks towards many intersex transfems who are facing so much harassment right now.

an important value to me is this idea of reciprocity as a foundation for solidarity. to me reciprocity means that we're prioritizing the ways we care for each other, we're thinking about how we can uplift each other, and we're watching out for extractive or exploitative patterns where one group is constantly expected to be in "solidarity" with another group without getting the same respect and care back toward them. i think that there could be so many ways that intersex people of all genders could share our overlapping experiences and actually be in true, meaningful solidarity with each other, but i barely ever actually see that happen on tumblr. and that pisses me off, because i do think that there's so much we have in common that we could celebrate and support each other with. i feel so much kinship with so, so many of my trans intersex friends, and ways where i see our lives converge. but i don't think that can happen in an environment where there's no acknowledgment of the ways that our experiences will sometimes (often) differ from each other, and the ways that we have unique needs.

another frustration i've had based on this most recent couple months of transmisogynistic intersex posting on tumblr is how intersex people have been mostly ignoring intersex community resources and devaluing the existing intersex terminology that people created to try to meet our needs. so much of what i've seen people describing on tumblr seems to really line up with the term ipsogender. Ipsogender is a term coined by an intersex sociologist Cary Gabriel Costello, and is used to describe intersex people whose gender matches the gender they were medically assigned at birth, but who might not feel like cis or trans fits them, might experience dysphoria, and who might feel like they've ended up transitioning medically or socially in some ways. this is a word that exists that an intersex person put time into coining because they wanted other intersex people to feel seen, embraced, and have ways of understanding themselves and communicating to others, and that's something that's super meaningful to me! and yet, i've rarely seen anyone reference it, and also seen multiple people making fun of it in other spaces online.

there's also intergender, which is another intersex specific gender term used to describe when your gender is inseparable from your intersex traits, and that your intersex identity is intertwined with your gender identity in some way. some people just identify as intergender, others use it as an adjective and exist as an intergender man or woman. intersex terminology like this is really important to me, especially because we're so often denied the right to make sense of our own experiences.

i think ultimately what i wanted to say with this post is just that when i think about intersex community, some of the most important values of intersex community for me are solidarity, care for each other, and affirming our right to define our own existence. and i don't think that can happen in a community where people are acting in extractive ways, harassing and attacking their fellow community members, and being dismissive of the realities of other intersex people's lives.

[everything-is-as-it-was]

Don’t get me wrong that video was a certified banger that I’ll have to come back to in order to process fully, but I was so so hoping that they were gonna address the lack of latam or Asia dates and when they didn’t and instead said they’re adding MORE dates in Europe/usa…. It’s like read the room a little bit pls

[saltpepperbeard]

why would david be suddenly ramping up his activity on social media...

why would so much of it be related to the show...

why would he not be stopping the clown train from leaving the station...

why would it be happening so close to october...

why would the cast and crew also seemingly be in on it...

why would it be intensifying and getting more and more suspicious with every passing post...

...if there was NOTHING behind it.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

The TTPD Deep Dive (Part ?)

It’s no secret that I have a lot of Thoughts about The Tortured Poets Department and it has lived rent-free in my head since it came out earlier this year. I’m absolutely blown away by how underneath the chaos, it’s actually an exceptionally cohesive story and is probably the closest to a concept album Taylor has ever done.

There are so many themes that have stood out to me over the last five months, and there’s one in particular that I think not only drives the entire album, but ties into previous albums to help deepen understanding of it.

This is it, my fangirl magnum opus, my months of posts consolidated into one place. This is also my disclaimer that this is just my interpretation of the album, and my summary of the story it tells, and I don’t pretend to have any special insight or authority. I’m not saying I’m correct at all, do not take any of this as fact, it’s just what it sounds like to me, and these are my silly not-so-little thoughts about it.

(Under a cut because it’s way too long and involves discussion many may not care for or be sick of.)

Come one, come all, it's happening again (I'm thinking too hard about Taylor music)

The overarching theme in TTPD to me is: Grief. If you’re looking at TTPD as a story being told (instead of just as someone’s real life), the inciting incident of TTPD is loss, and the grief from that loss is what drives the narrator’s actions and the fallout, as well as unpacks those complicated feelings and how they apply to the her life in general. By the end of the standard album, it’s also about recovering from that pain, moving on from it and learning from it.

The loss specifically is the loss of the dream of having a family (with one’s partner). One thing that is abundantly clear both on the top line and under the surface in TTPD is how Taylor (as a person and as narrator) longed not only to for marriage but specifically parenthood, and the fear and then realization of losing that chance absolutely wrecked her— which is why the next lover’s (the conman's) wooing worked so well, because it preyed on that yearning. Yet that loss also dovetails into the grief of many things: of youth, of idealism, of relationships, of ideas, even of self, which causes almost a deconstruction of a belief system to piece one’s life back together by the end.

THE CONTEXT

TTPD weaves in the topics of marriage and motherhood both explicitly and in the subtext, in various forms and scenarios. The cheating husband in “Fortnight.” The wedding ring line in “TTPD” the song. “He saw forever so he smashed it up” in “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys.” All of “So Long, London.” Running away with her wild boy in “But Daddy I Love Him,” fantasizing about weddings and joking about babies. The imaginary rings in “Fresh Out The Slammer.” The cheating husband (again) and the friends who smell like weed or “little babies” in “Florida!!!” “You and I go from one kiss to getting married,” “Talking rings and talking cradles,” and “our field of dreams engulfed in fire” in “loml.” (And arguably: “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all.”) “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short,” in “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart.” They may not sound like much on their own, but they paint a picture about how the topics pervaded her thoughts and her writing, and in many cases express her desires, and her pain.

It’s something that goes back several albums when you pick up on context clues. You get the first hints on Reputation with “New Year’s Day,” and “you and me forevermore.” Then Lover is very forward with it: “Lover” is basically wedding vows, “Paper Rings” is very engagement-coded, “I Think He Knows” is cheeky but low-key “you better put a ring on it,” “It’s Nice To Have A Friend” has wedding/marriage imagery in the last verse. As a self-professed diaristic writer, it’s the type of stuff one presumably doesn’t put out there unless those conversations have already happened, and she was very excited about it at the time it was released.

Then the pandemic happens and folklore comes out, and while there is still happy love there (“invisible string”), there are also the first indications that something has happened to put a halt to whatever future she once dreamed of (“hoax,” “the lakes”) and that she’s trying to reassure herself and him that it can still happen even if she’s scared it might not (“peace”). Notably, as far as I can remember it’s the first time Taylor explicitly brings up the idea of family (with her partner) with “you know that I’d give you my wild, give you a child,” which stood out at the time because it’s so incredibly vulnerable, but it’s even more poignant when you really take in that the whole song is like a confession of her deepest worries, and this is her vowing to give him these things that she holds most sacred if he’ll let her. These are what she cherishes most dearly and wants to return in kind: her youth and commitment (my wild), the family she craves (a child), unconditional support (swing for the fences/sit in the trenches) and understanding/compassion (silence that only comes when two people know each other).

Evermore follows an even darker path, and suddenly the album explores relationships that end and grappling with loss. There are toxic relationships (“tolerate it”), dangerous marriages (“no body, no crime,” “ivy”), failing/broken relationships (“Coney Island,” “champagne problems,” “happiness,” “‘tis the damn season”), as well as grief (“Marjorie,” “evermore”). Even some of the happy songs have uncertainty in them: in “willow” she’s begging for him to take her lead, like she’s still trying to decipher him and ask him to commit; in “cowboy like me,” still a beautiful love song, she’s thinking, “this wasn’t supposed to work and we were supposed to bail on each other but we fell in love instead”; “evermore” is about the depths of severe depression (and more) with the love story being the one saving grace in her darkest hour. And it’s also notable that after all the “fiction” writing, shortly after this album she writes “Renegade” where she’s telling the subject: I’m ready to start the next phase of our life now, why aren’t you? Is it me you don’t want after all? It’s like there’s something telling her that this stall might not just be a stall.

Midnights is a jumble (in a good, but in hindsight, also sad way) with the “sleepless nights” concept, but it seems pretty clear now that the themes and events and relationships she was revisiting tied into a lot of what she was feeling in her present life. I wrote the cliff notes version awhile back, but she’s questioning so much of her life that’s reflected in past events and relationships. Am I actually always the problem? How did we lose sight of each other and what we had? We only seem to work when we block out everyone and everything else. Can we ever go back to when things were good? Why are you neglecting me? I once thought I was going to lose everything but you saved me in the nick of time, can that happen again? I chased my career, but did I give up my chance at having a family in the process? Nobody knows what I really suffer from behind closed doors and I’m all alone.

And so on, which in retrospect now that we have TTPD, is very much what she was grappling with in private while writing and releasing the album. The inspiration behind the songs may have been different events and muses, but regardless of their origins they all end up feeling too familiar, like she's seen this film before (ahem). We’re seeing her view of commitment change too, or rather how she writes about it: she’s not making the outright declarations of it like on Lover, or even the implied ones on folklore, nor is she talking of the dark side of it like evermore. For the most part it’s a return to the early days of some relationships, before things got hard, or the end of them when there was nothing left, and also pushing away the discussion of it altogether by the outside world. “Sweet Nothing” is a sweet slice of life, but even at that, it’s the peace of the home in conflict with the pressure of the outside world. Now that we have “You’re Losing Me,” which was written at the same time as the rest of the album, we can probably deduce that she was going back to the start because something happened that made her doubt the future.

THE SETUP

So much of Midnights directly ties into TTPD, and I said in the post I linked that it’s like Midnights is asking the questions that TTPD answers. But there’s one song in particular on Midnights that sticks out to me as being key in the broadest sense to understanding the state of mind that led to the events of TTPD, and that’s “Bigger Than The Whole Sky,” because the way it expresses grief is reflected in the theme of mourning a life built and the dreams along with it that are never realized in TTPD. There are several instances in TTPD that are basically variations of: “every single thing to come has turned into ashes,” and that’s what makes her snap, and leaves her vulnerable to someone who promises her those things when she’s bereaved at losing them in the first place. (In other words: “the deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling.”) The song tells a story about how that loss of hope colours one’s entire mindset, and in some ways is a bridge to TTPD to understand what such a low point feels like.

I think that that grief, and most importantly losing hope for an imagined future in its wake, is fundamental to understanding TTPD on so many levels: both the decline with one partner that kept her hanging on then led her such a dark path, and why she fell for the conman's apparent bullshitting because it offered an express pass to what she was losing with her partner. And I also feel like it plays a part into the ruminating she’s doing all over Midnights, trying to make sense of where she finds herself when she’s writing the album, which directly leads to “You’re Losing Me.” Loss permeates so many of the stories on Midnights: of lovers, of innocence, of youth, of faith, of control, of life’s work, etc. “BTTWS” is just one of the ways in which it is expressed so fully, capturing that deep depression and subsequent extinction of faith in something that once felt assured and very much wanted. (Which is also mentioned in her writing process in the “Depression” playlist on Apple Music.)

If you understand why that feeling of loss in general across so many parts of life is so important to Midnights, then it illuminates so much about the “narrative” in TTPD too. If on Midnights she’s wrestling with the seeds of grief and loss (on multiple fronts), TTPD is her reckoning with it in its full form. “So Long, London” is the song that is the most explicit about it: How much sad did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I’d go before I’d have to go be free? You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? I died on the altar waiting for the proof. It’s the sequel to “You’re Losing Me.” It’s, the air is thick with loss and indecision, I know my pain is such an imposition, I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, I’ve got nothing left to believe unless you’re choosing me, my heart won’t start anymore, but from the other side of the break.

This is highly speculative, but if you follow the thread about the topic and the relationship as told from Rep through TTPD, in broad strokes it goes: young love with a serious connection (Rep) -> growing up and making life plans (Lover) -> something happens that delays those plans or makes them grind to a halt (folklore) -> serious doubts arise and cause a loss of faith in their future (evermore) -> struggling with the loss of that future and trying to make sense of the problems in a last ditch attempt to save the relationship (Midnights) -> fallout from that grief after the blowup of the relationship (TTPD). Understanding that progression of events (through the music) explains not only the storytelling side of TTPD (e.g. the jump from the partner to the conman) but also how the experiences/muses blend in the music, and how the music that on the surface is about the short-term relationship is really driven by the destruction of the long-term one.

Following the music, it’s IMO implied that Taylor (the narrator) was holding out for marriage and family with her partner, for years, and it seems like it was at one point a shared dream until something happened to pump the brakes, and seemingly on her partner’s end. And extrapolating further, given how the sorrow expressed in former albums bleeds into TTPD, it sounds like a plan that had been concrete in some form before it had fallen apart, and losing something that once felt so tangible is what drives her in her grief to find any kind of respite from the pain. Which is why the situation with the conman becomes so appealing as the one with the partner splinters further and further.

(If everything you’ve once touched is sick with sadness and you don’t want to be sad anymore, what are you left to do?)

THE STORY

So (one part of) the story kind of sounds like this from the standard album: the relationship with her partner as well as his mental health slowly deteriorate and he withdraws emotionally (“London,” “Fresh Out The Slammer”) and physically (again, “London,” and “Guilty As Sin?”) and takes his resentment out on her (“London” and arguably “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” even though I don't want to get into muse speculation here). As she sinks deeper into her own depression as a result, the weight of the failing relationship starts feeling like a cage— or a noose (“London,” “Guilty”), but coming to terms with the loss of their life together and the future they’d dreamed of was killing her (again, “London,” but also “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart”).

Enter the conman who she reconnects with at the very point where this is coming to a head (knowing that IRL she reconnected with him around the time Midnights was being worked on) , and if you read between the lines, she confides some deeply personal things to him (“Down Bad” and “hostile takes overs”/“encounters closer and closer,” “Smallest Man” and the entire sleeper cell spy imagery which is one of my favourite things and I could write a whole essay about the meaning of it, “loml” and “A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme”). Then after she’s confided these secrets to him, he insinuates himself back into her life (“Guilty,” “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man”) and sells her a dream that HE can give her all these things she hopes for (again, “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man,” “loml,” song “TTPD,” “Broken Heart”).

But the thing is, he only knows these are the things she wants because she’s revealed it to him, and presumably, told him that was what she was losing by staying with her partner. And instead of the normal response of, “that is really sad that your partner is not supporting you and you deserve to be treated better,” to a friend in growing distress, it seems like it was, “well I can give you all those things!!!! Right now!!!! Trust me!!!!” And worked on her until she believed it, and jumped at the chance at a precarious time in her life. And one thing I want to underscore is: Taylor has agency in the situation always, it’s not like she’s been kidnapped and brainwashed. (In fact, she implores on songs like “But Daddy” that SHE is in charge of her own choices, good or bad.) She chose to rekindle the friendship and then relationship, and she chose to eventually leave her long term relationship for another man, and she reiterates on the album that she owns this all. But it’s also: nothing exists in a vacuum, and she makes choices based on emotions and information she has at the time, which is why it gives so much whiplash.

THE ALBUM

When you look at it as, the situation with the conman only happens because of what happened with the partner first and that the appeal of the conman and the fantasy he sells her is a direct reaction to that, it makes the “swirliness” of the music make so much more sense. And for much of it, even many of the “conman” songs on the surface are really “partner” songs underneath.

Fortnight

A suburban gothic allegory about a broken marriage with a distant husband with a wandering eye, which makes the rekindled romance with the neighbor so appealing. She’s miserable caged in her stifling house because she’s been abandoned by her spouse, so the reappearance of this past love reignites the passion that’s dead at home.

TTPD

“So tell me, who else is gonna know me?” “I chose this cyclone with you.” I’m gonna kill myself if you ever leave. Everyone knows we’re crazy. She’s laying it out there that she’s already in a dangerous state of mind, and she’s actively putting herself in more danger by pursuing the conman. “At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on, and that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart exploding,” spells this whole thing out so clearly: whether it’s an actual event (likely) or a metaphor for the promise he makes to her, the reason why it makes her heart explode is because it’s the thing she’s been waiting for forever with no movement, and here this person comes in and slips it on her finger in an instant like it’s nothing. (And eventually, as we’ll come to know, it is absolutely nothing to him.) You mean it could have been this easy this whole time?! (Well, no. Not until a certain other suitor makes his appearance later.) It feels like she’s finally getting everything she wanted in the blink of an eye! How lucky! How convenient! What was that about the get-love-quick scheme you say? (Unsaid: the reason why this feels so urgent is because there’s a sense that time is running out in so many aspects of her life and not just the obvious. Which reappears later on.)

Down Bad

“Did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” sets the scene for this euphoric experience in the moment that starts to feel violating once the dust settles (which is then followed up in “Smallest Man” and the spy mission on her). The bridge spells out how he weaselled his way into her life, preyed upon (intentionally or not) her emotional state, sold her a dream and then vanished, without the benefit of hindsight yet we see later in the album.

The alien abduction metaphor is pretty brilliant, because it shows both how she was desperate to escape the place she found herself in, and how much it screwed her brain to then be left stranded when the affair was over. “[I loved your] hostile takeovers, encounters closer and closer,” is so evocative because it details how the situation came to be: his overtures under the guise of friendship blurred lines until he made her an offer that she eventually couldn’t refuse (hostile takeovers) as he infiltrated her life more and more intimately. The sad thing is that the song has parallels to how her relationship with the partner started too in earlier albums, in that they ran away to live in their own bubble (or planet) only for him to metaphorically abandon her as the years went on. (Oven, meet microwave.)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Being continually emotionally broken down by a person who knows he’s hurting you but still acts the way he does. (The original voice memo version makes this even clearer and it’s rather heartbreaking.) “He saw forever so he smashed it up,” speaks to the loss of a future the person became scared of, and the original lyrics (“he saw forever so he blew it up”) somehow cut even deeper to me because it feels so much more intentional.

Also in the original version, “he was my best friend and that was the worst part,” also speaks not only to the loss of an entire partnership in the wake of this hurt, but also to the feelings of betrayal that the person you trust so deeply has the ability to hurt you in this way too, and how it’s a one-two punch of not only losing the relationship but also your closest confidant. (It’s like the sequel to “Renegade” and the missiles firing to me.) Again, there are shades of both/many situations in the song, pointing to an unfortunate pattern in some ways. The situation in “My Boy” is part of why she was so low, and why the “get love quick scheme” was so appealing later on. And it dovetails nicely into…

So Long, London

The most explicitly “partner” song that puts a coda on “You’re Losing Me,” and is Track 5 because it’s the emotional underpinning of how she got to where she was, and drives the events of the rest of the album. It spells everything out: He withdrew, she tried to fix it for both of them, eventually even that stopped working, he was oblivious to or minimized how badly she was suffering and his (in)actions couldn’t reassure her, he wouldn’t move forward on their future plans and stewed in his own struggles, she was spiralling out of control trying to hang on and ultimately felt like she was going to die if she didn’t leave.

But Daddy I Love Him

Like a direct reaction to “So Long, London” in that she breaks free from the death of one relationship and throws herself with reckless abandon to the next, fuck the haters. How dare you judge me, when the relationship you think I should have stayed in was killing me? (Dutiful daughter all the plans were laid. All you want is gray for me.) Fuck all of you, I’m going to choose whoever I want! (So what if I have a baby with HIM, huh?! I tried doing it the proper way and look where that got me so now we're back to square one) It’s again her imagining how wonderful and freeing this “wild boy” is going to be for her, and how wrong she’ll prove everyone. THIS TIME she definitely got it right. So what if she has to run away! So what if she scandalizes the whole town! They don’t know what she really wants or needs anyway! She’s the only one of her (hee-hee-hee) and she’s the only who gets to decides how this goes. (Because: she longs for control in a situation she’ll eventually realize she has little of it in, which we’ll find out is a recurring theme in her life.)

Fresh Out The Slammer

Also spells out what happened with the partner in the first verse and the pre-choruses, which is what makes the conman so appealing as the imagined jailbreak. The bitter loneliness vs. the sultry passion she builds up in her head as she awaits her release from prison is key to understanding the two sides of the story in the album. There’s this whole outlaw imagery (which is also carried through in “I Can Fix Him”), but it’s contrasted in the end with her and her reunited lover sitting on park swings like children with “imaginary rings” — because “Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know what's at stake.” What’s at stake is lasting love and the promises that come with it (marriage/family) that are precious and time-sensitive. The imaginary rings are both a nod to the youthful dreams of her and her new/old lover, but also has a double meaning to me because those promises aren’t built on anything together; they're made up, intangible. (They’re no more concrete than the plans that went up in smoke with the partner.) Like with most of the conman situation, it’s all a fantasy in her head that has yet to happen, and as we find out later in the album, reality ends up leaving much to be desired.

Florida!!!

Broadly speaking, it’s running away from your problems and wanting to disappear from your life. (But again: the life she’s disappearing from is the cheating husband she may or may not be feeding to the swamp-- another miserable marriage.) What kind of flies under the radar though is the “I don’t want to exist,” line, which points to her dire state of mind that led her to fleeing to that metaphorical timeshare down in Destin. In many ways about cheating death.

Guilty As Sin

Yes it’s the “masturbation song,” but again the nuance is that she’s left to pleasure herself because her partner has abandoned her emotionally and even physically, i.e. “my boredom’s bone deep.” To be blunt: they aren’t even intimate anymore, so she starts fantasizing about the guy she used to have chemistry with who’s reentered her life and is making moves on her. And realizing that she’s now finding release in another man (albeit imaginary) breaks her even as it reinvigorates her because she finally understands that the relationship she’s in is effectively dead. (“Am I allowed to cry?”)

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

This isn’t about relationships, but about society and its reaction to them in a general sense. But again, she’s left to stew in all this anger and hurt as she’s been abandoned at home, then abandoned by public opinion, and the public attack on her is part of the origin as well as the end of that story. The trauma inflicted upon her detailed in the song is the reason why she felt trapped in the first place, which led to the decisions she’s made and habits she’s leaned on ever since.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

This is one of the few songs that is the most completely conman-coded, and shows when the delusion finally breaks at the end of the song. She spends the whole song being like, “no really, I alone can make him better! You’ll see! I know he’s gross, but he’s mine! It’ll be fine I swear! You don’t know anything! Uuuuuum hmm wait actually what the fuck—“

Loml

Oof. THE song. Again the surface reading is about the “conman” who comes in and sells her the lie, but the pain is because all the dreams she writes about are HER dreams and implied that they were the dreams she built with her partner that the conman sold back to her. I could do a deeper dive on this but most of the song is applicable to both relationships, which not only shows the “swirliness” of her writing, but also how they both ultimately did the same thing to her in different shades.

The bridge and the last chorus are kind of fundamental to understanding it all, and her ending it with “you’re the loss of my life” is about, among other things, how falling for this trap blew up the life she built and dreamed of for good. (I could talk about this one forever.) “You shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles” to “Our field of dreams engulfed in fire” is a hell of a line and progression, and again, indicative of what the real driving force behind the whole album is. The shit-talking is because he took her dreams (of marriage and children) and hyped it back up to her tenfold whether in a moment of his own delusion or for more nefarious reasons — much like how the man prior kept promising these things but never followed through, which left her vulnerable to someone who appeared to offer them enthusiastically. The field of dreams isn’t just the one with the conman, it’s the one with the longterm relationship she’d built the dream with in the first place, because the conman’s actions are part of the reason the LTR went up in smoke. (Not the reason for the rift, but the consequence of the final break.) And THAT is why it’s the loss of her life, so completely.

When she says “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all,” IMO it’s not just the fake future that the conman lures her into, but also (and perhaps mainly) the once-real one she had with her partner and the loss of which that made her susceptible to falling for the con in the first place. There’s honestly so much between the lines in this song that covers every theme and speaks to the grief of seeing the life she imagined slip away, slowly by the first man then annihilated by the second.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

The juxtaposition of “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short” and “He said he’d love me for all time, but that time was quite short” sums it up to me (and parallels “loml”), because they are two different situations, but they cut her just the same. In the first, “that life” IMO was the life they’d built with the dreams that went along with it and it was too short because he never followed through, and in the second, the “time” was quite short because it was the frenzy of the whirlwind romance that fizzled as quickly as it began. The life that was too short led to the time that was quite short.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

This is definitely THE conman song. The rage, the shame, the violation, it’s all in there. But the key to it is the bridge and the espionage imagery woven through it. A honeypot scheme is when spies target a mark and seduce them to gain their trust and their privileged information for their homeland. So her likening him to a sleeper cell spy who set her up just to mine her deepest secrets and use them against her is a heavy, loaded statement. And implied: that valuable information she unknowingly held were her longings of marriage and family (the aforementioned shit-talking about rings and cradles she never got to have), and more importantly, those dreams preceded him reentering her life and then beginning his mission on her.

The insinuation then is: she confesses these are her deepest wishes which are now seemingly unattainable in her current situation (e.g. with her partner) -> he convinces her HE will give them to her and make the dreams she pines for come true -> she falls for him and blows up her life to make it happen -> he gets what he wants (thrill of the chase/sex/the idea of her/whatever his intent was) -> he abandons her when he gets what he wants, or rather it isn’t what he wants or can handle -> she’s left a) all alone b) with dreams unfulfilled c) with no answers d) feeling used at having her most sacred wishes used against her.

Again, the song is unquestionably about the way the conman absolutely destroyed her, but he was able to do that because there was this thing she wanted more than anything, that was dying in her previous relationship, that he was able to prey upon to seduce her, then discarded her and her dreams as soon as it was inconvenient for him while absolutely hollowing her inside out. (And again: the devastating thing is that this also applies to other relationships she’s written about, in different ways.)

The Alchemy

Not about either the partner or the conman directly, but it (loosely) touches on her finding herself after the whole oven-to-microwave experience and opening herself up to life and love again. #GoodForHer

Clara Bow

This isn’t about the romantic relationships on the surface, but it is about how damaging the entertainment industry and public life are on women, and how women are only valued for their beauty as commodities until they can be discarded and destroyed in the process. Which I think plays into the circumstances that led her to make the decisions that she did years ago, and why she makes the ones she does now. (But also, being valued for physical traits and appeal for the male gaze brings us to…)

The Manuscript

The “original sin” that kicks off all of this. Again, at first light this isn’t about the partner or the conman, but the person it is about is the reason why she has made all the decisions she has ever since in relationships (and that’s Mr. Plaid Shirt Days from “All Too Well”). The realization that her first serious adult relationship is what cemented these patterns, and this view of herself and her worthiness in relationships, is profoundly sad. An older man who valued her for being so mature for her age and implying that the mature activities ahem associated with that were the performance benchmarks in her ability to carry a relationship, only to leave her, was earth shattering. She placed her faith in this person, but then the way he treated her changed her view of love and of herself.

She took his innuendo about “pushing strollers” as a sign of potential commitment, whereas he ultimately meant it as foreplay, and she was too young and naive to know the difference. So not only did she learn from that that this man (and men) didn’t view commitment and family the way she did and that it was something to be toyed with, but she also learned that her value to them among other things was sex. Imagine being an idealistic 20 year old and your boyfriend ten years your senior tells you, “if the sex is anywhere near as good as our dates have been, we’re going to be making babies before you know it,” (e.g. this is relationship is serious) and then he dumps you: does that imply that the sex was not in fact that good? (E.g. that you’re not worthy after all?)

No, obviously from this side of life, it’s because he was a commitment-phobic playboy, even if he did love her, but she couldn’t have known that at 20 and instead internalized that shame. But, it did send her on a path of how she approached sex and love and relationships for over a decade afterwards. And her coming to the realization that that first act of (perhaps unintentional) manipulation is what informed her actions thereafter helped her break the pattern. Her worth to men is not just sex, she has value and her hopes and dreams have value, she doesn’t have to change into a different person to please anyone, because if that is what they want, they won’t ever want her anyway.

It’s been described here on Tumblr by people more eloquent and astute than I as a song that encapsulates the album as this: one did it slow (partner), one did it fast (conman), and one did it first (first love)— and that is haunting. After years of men minimizing her dreams and desires, if not outright using them against her, she’s finally at the point where she can let it all go and move on for good. (There’s a whole other tangent about consent and shame and manipulation, but that’s an entirely different kind of discussion. But it is so devastatingly contrasted with “you said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine, and that made me want to die.”)

THE SUMMATION

This is just my interpretation of it, but in going through the standard album, it feels pretty clear how cohesive the album is about a story of love and loss and grief, then reckoning with what caused it all in the first place that set a person on this path. It’s a formative experience at a young age that was traumatic and led to certain coping mechanisms and a shaping of one’s self-perception, as well as the reaction to external pressures that try to dictate behaviours and influence how one feels one deserves out of love which makes it harder to know when one absolutely deserves more and better. And leaves one struggling to cope with loss when there isn’t anything else to hold onto. Then in light of one’s life blowing up, learning to find oneself in the aftermath all over again.

On another tangent that is somewhat related to the theme of loss, the way she writes about the two main muses on the standard album also ties into how the situations converged to create absolute carnage on her emotional and mental well-being. With one situation, she’s talking about a concrete life that crumbles under the weight of their struggles; with the other, the entire thing is a fantasy that she builds up in her head, and when it comes to fruition it falls far, far short.

If you look at the “microwave” (conman) relationship, you realize that almost everything she writes about it happens before it actually becomes reality, and it’s mostly her imagining how great it’ll be, but with few exceptions, when she writes about what actually occurred, it doesn’t even come close to living up to her expectations. “Fortnight” is an imagined future where she escapes to Florida and his touch finally starts her stalled engine (ahem). “TTPD” is perhaps the most positive retelling of their time together, but even that implies he was better off stoned and when he sobered up he succumbed to his demons all over again, and more importantly she conveys how she also is in extreme distress, barely concealed by the veneer of being infatuated with him. (E.g. saying to that she’ll kill herself if he ever leaves her — the implication is that she is absolutely serious about it when she “felt seen.”) And that the warning bells are going off in her head, but she feels like this person is the only one she can be with (because they’re equally fucked up and the chaos he brings into her life makes her feel alive when she felt so close to death).

“Down Bad” is the most explicit about being in love, but she’s also left completely confused and disoriented by him disappearing, wondering if any of it was real and the seeds of violation creep into her consciousness (“did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” “Waking up in blood.”). “But Daddy” is her imagining she can tell everyone to fuck off for telling her what to do with her life. “Fresh Out The Slammer” is her fantasizing about this man while feeling trapped in her relationship — but never in the song is she actually reunited with him; she’s using him as the projection of all the things she’ll make right after being wronged by her partner. “Guilty As Sin?” Is very obviously about her fantasizing about sleeping with him, but again it’s such a minefield for her because it hasn’t happened yet; they’ve only just reconnected. “I Can Fix Him” is the only song other than “TTPD” that shows them actually together, and it’s the one where she keeps saying, essentially, “I know he’s gross but I can rehabilitate him into an upstanding person, trust me,” until the mic drop at the end of the song where it finally hits her that no, she can’t, because this is who he is, not the person she’s built him up to be.

“Loml” is when it all comes crashing down, and the song emphasizes everything he did and told her, e.g. that she’s the love of his life, but she doesn’t return the sentiment in the song about their time together. Because now that it’s past tense, she knows it wasn’t actually love. (And says as much in the album epilogue poem.) “Broken Heart” is her reeling in the aftermath, but again, it’s “he said,” not “I loved.” And then there’s “The Smallest Man,” where she eviscerates him: he also pursued an idea of her but didn’t care much for the real her in front of him (who else is gonna know me?), he love bombed her only to hurt her (crushing her dreams), he was constantly stoned (and not just in the funny munchies kind of way), and he wasn’t even a good lover (despite the fantasy she’d created before). That last point is especially striking because she spent albums singing about the importance of and pleasure in (sexual) intimacy in the relationship with her partner (sometimes to both their own detriment) and how it was at times the only way they could connect, but in this case, the idea she hyped up and acted on in her head about this lover never panned out in practice. She spells it out in the epilogue: it wasn’t a love affair, it was a mutual manic phase.

In contrast, there’s a lot more tangible action in the “oven” (partner) parts of the album, showing how hard she tried to make the relationship work in real life instead of just in her head. All of “So Long, London” is her detailing how she tried to break through to him and support him, even when he rejected it and pushed her away, thinking she could carry them both until they ultimately sank, but she did it because she “loved this place for so long.” (The place? Not just the city, but the home and perhaps most importantly, him.) In “Slammer” she stayed with him even as things disintegrated for “one hour of sunshine.” (E.g. holding onto the rarer good times even as they were fewer and further between, hoping things would eventually turn around.) And like in “London,” she held on despite people in her life pleading with her that it was hurting her. (Which is also echoed in “Slammer.”) In “Guilty” her boredom is “bone deep” because the passion that once drove their relationship (and papered over their problems) has finally gone out too, so there’s nothing left to hold onto, leading to her fantasizing about the new suitor, which makes her realize her relationship has passed the point of no return. “Loml” is about the conman on the surface, but the undercurrent of all the things she says about him is that he was co-opting the dreams that she was clinging onto for dear life in the previous relationship, which is why the con is so painful; the field of dreams he sets ablaze isn’t just the fake painting he sold to her, but the original artifact (her life with her partner) too.

All the physical and emotional labour she puts into the relationship with her partner ends up reflected in the fantasizing she does in the one with the conman, which is why it is so confusing in the moment and so lethal when he leaves her without any answers. She wants to get married and start a family with her partner which keeps getting stalled; the conman mock-proposes which makes her think he’s immediately serious (“TTPD,” “loml”). She feels caged by having to hide with her partner and shrink herself; the conman promises he’ll stand by her side publicly and let her shine (“Smallest Man”). She sinks into a deep depression in her loneliness as the relationship with her partner careens off a cliff; the conman convinces her they’re meant for each other in a them-against-the-world way (“Down Bad”). The intimacy (in all senses of the word) in her relationship with her partner fizzles; the conman stokes the fire by sending her secret messages and reigniting passion (“Guilty”). She spent years trying to help her partner to no avail; the conman makes her think she has the power to reform him (“loml”). She feels misunderstood by her partner; the conman acts like he’s the (only) one who truly gets her (“TTPD,” “loml”).

In short: there’s nothing that the conman does or says that isn’t a direct response to what her partner did first, and it’s even worse because the conman knew how much her partner’s actions hurt her and he used that privileged information to paint a picture of what he could give her, but in doing so in some ways aimed at her heart with even deadlier accuracy. (I’ve likened it to him borrowing someone else’s life for his own joyride, until he crashes the rental car and flees the scene.) It’s why in the aftermath, the difference in emotions are so different: she feels nothing but rage and violation towards the conman for getting in her head and using her, whereas her feelings towards her partner are more complicated. There’s anger (at her lost youth and being taken for granted), but there’s also sorrow (at their lost life and future), disappointment (that he never could step up the way he’d promised or she’d needed), even compassion (towards his struggles) and a tiny measure of appreciation (for the good times they did share).

When you look at the bigger picture, the story the album paints is just so painfully normal. You have two people (Taylor and her partner) who once loved each other deeply, and despite warning signs early on telling them they have fundamentally different needs and ways of living their lives they fight like hell to make it work (the epilogue) until those warning signs become grenades that destroy their home (“My Boy,” “London,” “Slammer,” arguably “loml”). Having already been through at least one rough patch/break/breakup that she felt almost destroyed her (harkening back to Midnights on “You’re Losing Me,” “The Great War” and “Hits Different”), the final and fatal downward spiral of the relationship (“YLM,” “London”) and the grief over losing that future sends her into a tailspin, just at the time where a flame from the past (the conman) reenters her life and tells her all the things she’s been longing to hear and feel (“TTPD,” “Down Bad,” “Guilty,” “loml”) and, crucially, missing from the relationship that was once her entire life.

So in her panic, she falls prey to the (empty) promises of the past lover (“loml,” “Smallest Man”) and decides he’s actually what will save her from the free fall, because the alternative (that she will end up in a situation she doesn’t think she can survive) is too painful to bear. When she finally acts on these circumstances (leaves her partner/runs to the conman), she snaps, acting on pure emotion and adrenaline (“But Daddy”), but before she knows it, the new lover abandons her, and she’s left to reckon with the fallout of the episode and process everything that has happened (“Down Bad,” “loml”) — with the conman, with her partner, with the choices made in her adult life personally and professionally which leads her back to the moment she feels set her down that road at the start.

The TL;DR of this unintentionally long essay is that the reason the conman affair was so serious was precisely because it was meant to fulfill the promise of what was her life with her partner. To me, a large part of the story is that she projected that life onto the conman (or he projected her life back to her for his own purposes) because she wasn’t ready to deal with that massive grief and the life raft he offered felt like the only alternative to an even darker end. Whether the conman actually believed what he told her, or he went along with it or encouraged it because it served his purpose, we’ll never know, just like we’ll never know the finer details of what went on (nor should we). But no matter what, the album is just an extreme deep dive into all the ways grief can consume us, and whether it’s a long, drawn-out death or a sudden, inexplicable one, it can turn a person’s life into such a trainwreck that they act in ways unfathomable to even them, let alone the people around them. It can also unleash repressed trauma and mental illness that can crater your sense of self. And when those situations are compounded? It makes for a nearly impossible type of breakdown to unpack. (Which is why you might need a 31 song album to process it.)

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

i didnt write my essay for this 👍👍

im so festive with my red and green color combos n whatnot

[myokk]

For writers:

What’s your favorite piece of writing you’ve done, and why??

Idk I just woke up thinking about this & now I’m curious!!! & may or may not be compiling a tbr based on your responses since I really haven’t had the time to read any hl fics yet🫶🫶🫶

[psychomusic]

oc time again! + her town & culture (heavily inspired by pre-roman italic populations)

she is suri sauthon (she/her). her story is linked to my swtor imperial agent, tar'x, but most of her life except for the one year away where she meets him, is spent in a town in the mountains of mirial.

despite mirial being cold and desert, and many cities developing underground, her town flourishes thanks to a force nexus, venerated in the form of an ancient, sacred, alive crystal. the ecosystem of that mountain depended on what "the horned crystal" was capable of giving them, but mirialans couldn't live off of that alone, so they developed trade and some rudimental technology, even if oftentimes it was bought thanks to the highly profitable trade of a plant used to make medicines that slowed down aging and had overall healing properties.

note: everything that's generated by this nexus has these healing properties BUT they have to be processed, except for those who bathed in the waters of the cavity under the crystal - the "real" nexus, but not the worshipped one. the waters were sacred but they were not thought to be miraculous, unlike the crystal, who instead was thought of as the keystone of the ecosystem: without it, everything would fall apart (and that is partially true: the cavity was the "real" nexus but thanks to the crystal, also strong in the force, the properties were spread all over the mountains). those who bathed in the cavity's waters - so, all of the town, who had a sort of baptism there - could eat the plant, make whatever food with it, and not only that plant, but everything generated by the nexus, that, again, had similar properties. this allowed people to live up to normal life-spans without advanced medicines or, much, really. to those who didn't live there, though, after the processing, had incredible effects, slowing down aging - for those who took it regularly - and making people able to live up to half a century more than the average]

originally, there were four tribes of nomads that lived thanks to horned farm animals that decided to settle down into one bigger town and other smaller settlements, to live off of transhumance. this division of the tribes stayed into the political and social organization: every person belonged to one tribe specifically, and had slightly different rituals and culture. for examples, each tribe had their own priests and healers, with different techniques and traditions. the town, tho, was guided by a group of people in the high priesthood, a position you could reach only by having earned the trust of all tribes. those high priests had many roles: they guided the people into sacred processions common to all the tribes, they managed the trading with outsiders, they did the maintenance of the temple of the summit (the one that functioned as casket to the crystal) and created a special liquid to offer the crystal that helps it grow.

this particular temple was important because 1. it was very visible, from every angle of the town, and it became an important identity symbol; 2. it stored the venerated horned crystal; 3. it had the altar where sacrifices were made for the crystals. that altar had a hole connected to the cavity, that allowed the liquids to reach the underground; 4. it had various symbols: statues representing each tribe + the high priesthood, and typical mirialan tattoos carved into the wood of the trees that served as columns for the temple, symbolizing 8 values that who dared to enter HAD to have; 5. it was on the way to an important lake (called "mother lake" because the lake the town was built around to depended on the waters of that other lake) where they traveled to in important processions; 6. it was said that a the wizard who unified the tribes made it with its magic, making the plant grow to hold the temple's roof. this wizard was, actually, a force user, obv.

BACK TO HER THOUGH: she's daughter of one of the high priests, who was in charge of managing the trades with outsiders, and lives in a house on the mountains with her mother and him. her parents are from different tribes (that's one of the things that earned him trust from the 4 tribes): when a child is born from two different tribes, they don't pick one to allign to, but they're usually linked automatically to the one with more relatives in it (in her case, the father's tribe: she had many uncles and aunts on his side while her mom only had one sister).

later, though, she got quite tied to her mother's tribe due to a mysterious illness that only her mother's tribe healer was able to cure. she spent 4 years (from 10 to 14 years old) living with the healer and learned her secrets. to better study, she wrote them down. when she returned home, she studied to become a priestess with her father. at 22 (the average age: you can't become priest before your 20s), she was supposed to take a test and become a priestess, but the healer of her mother's tribe died and the tribe asked her to take her place. she couldn't technically do that, but both tribes estimated both her and her parents and she was allowed to become both. she then decided to try to become a high priestess, and became one at 25 (a quite young age). being part of the council, she tried to convince the various tribe healers to unite their knowledges and write them down, and eventually made it. healers still remained tribe based but they now had an "upper, inter-tribe level" similar to high priesthood.

years later, the sacred horned crystal is stolen from the temple by some Hutt mercenaries looking for a profit. given the trust she has earned from all the tribes and the fact that her father is the high priest that deals with outsiders (and she's been hearing stories and advice about it since she was little), she is the one tasked with getting it back. without the growing crystal, the keystone to their ecosystem, the village would have lasted only a few years. in hrr quest, she meets imperial intelligence agent tar'x laran and, as they "solve the mystery" and fight to have it back, they get closer. they'll get married and have a daughter, Vegoia (who's the only one who actually will get to the plot of my story. this was all background)

[crustyfloor]

This scene of Till innocently peaceful with such a big smile feels incomplete to me after the events of round 7--But more true to his character rather than a comic with his final thoughts like Sua and Ivan had, it's cruel, brief, like a flashback, and it's bittersweet. Till is probably going to be reserved and ambiguous till the end. He wouldn't be able to bring himself to think about and reflect on his regrets and traumas; that's Till's principle; living in stubborn, childish beliefs, and in those truths, he finds escape into solace, even if it's unlike his reality, it's how he copes enough to make everything bearable for the next day to come. This image feels like a reflection, a memory of when he was happier in life. In Till's final moments, he thought about his and Mizi's childhood, the moment he fell in love with her was when she smiled at him with such radiance, the same moment, he felt like his heart was reborn; it was like he could breathe and smile solely for her. Till thinks back to these moments, these fleeting moments of peace because he can't let them go, he can't let go of the comfort of that familiarity.

--"Oh in a blink Gone. Blink and Gone, relish the present."

This image does bring me back to a lot of lyrics in Round 7. But this one in particular, a line that talks about living in the present before the moment slips between your fingers, in a blink, gone. But Till lives in the past.

Till doesn't think back to round 1 when he killed that alien guitar for Mizi, even though it was fully his decision, even though it was so gratifying seeing "Till win" and Mizi's acknowledgment, do you think he would have done that if he wasn't desperate and just doing what he felt like he had to do to survive? Because he had to stay by Mizi's side in her darkest moment like she was the one beacon of hope and happiness for him?

Till only suffers when he thinks back to round 6. When he's reminded of regret and pain. So, he represses the very memory of it to protect himself, he can't bring himself to even acknowledge it at all until he's forced to, when the aliens were intimidating him with Mizi's missing poster, he fights back out of anger. Just having that weakness, his guilt, and his grief used against him feels like a different kind of collar. Till thinks back to these warm, intangible memories of his childhood because life on stage was never something he could make his own, he didn't want to live for anything Alien Stage offered him, power, fame, etc. Despite his passion for music, Till is gentle and emotional at heart. This throne that is elevated high by bloodied corpses, a life living stagnant and trapped under the suffocating palm of an Alien, at the very top but inexplicably expendable, was never Till's vision of a life worth living. That's why he fought like hell for the life he wanted, for the life that he could've had. It really drives the point home when his final thoughts were centered around those moments when he was the happiest in his life.

It is so hard to feel the beauty, the warmth, in this image when everything around him is inauthentic, and it's off-putting because of the underlying details, especially since because of his gown, this scene might have taken place after one of those experiments or 'classes' it's a very subtle reminder of their reality. But his smile is so real in the moment without the collar, without the pain... he looks so carefree and full of life

And he scrunches his nose when he laughs *gets shot*

[evelynpr]

Might be a hot take as a bkdk and tgck truther here, but I find izuocha endlessly fascinating, beautiful, but also tearfully tragic.

I see their love for each other as something representative of their innocence and naivety when they only knew so little about who they were, and what was to come.

I think the main barrier of their relationship is that its rooted in how they see each other very idealistically, specifically that they're attached to the image of their Best Heroic Selves, and not the deeply selfish, destructive, freaky, and egotistical parts of them. To each other, they need to keep fulfilling that image or else that same person they looked up to would almost die in front of them, and that would be too cruel. Although that hero is still there, that same person they looked up to is not the same now because of...well...everything.

Izuku had barely even talked to girls when he first met her. She was Izuku's first ever real friend (Sorry Kats, everyone and him knows he was terrible), so he saved her in that entrance exam even if it was so dangerous. She gave a new meaning to his derogatory nickname just by being a friend that believed in him. After that, she saved him several more times (Blackwhip and Megaphone are the biggest samples iirc). It makes perfect sense that she is Deku's hero.

Ochako hardly knew what it meant to be a hero when she first got into UA. Just by reaching out to some kid tripping, she made a new friend who would then save her in that exam, then save him again in return. This boy then became someone who was always working so hard to save everyone in trouble, and she realized she wanted to be just like him too. "I want to save people"

But...Deku changes. The weight of One for All is on his shoulders and he needs someone to carry this burden with him. He continues to want to save other people at the expense of himself, still not letting his true selfishness and ego ever show- and it only grows more and more unbearable.

Then...Ochako fell in love with Himiko. Truly, relentlessly, selfishly and devotedly in love with a girl who then dies giving her blood to her- the greatest expression of love Himiko could ever give.

Not that they can't love each other because of this happening (and...so many other things oh god), I'm honestly not sure how to explain it- But them ending up together after losing that innocence and naivety? After Ochako will forever grieve the girl who showed her love in its most beautiful and ugly form? After Izuku changed so fundamentally as a person that the butterflies of a nice girl talking to you doesn't exist anymore? After that simple image of being a hero and being in love has completely changed for them both?

Even so, I believe they still love each other. There is no label I know of that can properly describe them though. They are each other's image of being a hero when it comes to saving people. Aside from Shoto, no one else can grasp the grief of the person you tried to save dying in your hands. They would no doubt try to cope with these losses together, and just try to get better together...but so much has changed. They've changed. The world changed. What are they now? Who are they now?

"What happened...to us?"

[toobusybeingdelulu]

look who is speaking…

[ganondoodle]

(while i am crumbling into pieces from cramp pain)

back when they announced the totk masterworks book i said i wasnt happy about it bc it would either

prove they thought all this was good from the start and everything went as planned

show us that they had unbelievable better ideas and plans but for some unknow reason scrapped it all

as it stands now with the concepts i have seen ... they somehow did both, some things seemed to have been planned fro mthe start (the whole focus on sonau/zonai stuff for example, which i personally just dont like bc i liked them better as an unkown mystery you never get to meet) and other stuff (like ganondorfs concepts, or the infinitely cooler castle in the sky esque concepts for the sky islands, instead of some nonsensical, meaningless little stone crumbs) was much, much more interesting initially (together with the interviews that said they initially planned to have the battery be a magic meter and make the sonau more magic than tech- but then decided to build their stuff around modern electrical devices just so players would immediately know what it was an what it would do -why????? thats so boring?? and unecessary ?? and they still give you tutorials for it anyway, multiple times??!!- for some ungodly reason)

it makes me more and more sure that this game, that took 6 years to make with most assets already being there (the same time that botw took to make?????????), went through a similar development hell as that one final fantasy game did where the director decided to make it an entirely different game every few weeks bc he saw something cool in another game-

its the only thing that makes sense to me, why else would it be so weirdly ... unfinished, its full of grand ideas badly executed, or like i said in a previous post, like an alpha build (weird! did someone in charge also see cool stuff every few months and decide they wanted it in there too no matter what so everyone had to scramble to try and put it in making the whole jenga tower fall over and over??), just to test how far you can push things, with placeholders everywhere, the same cutscene pasted in where another should be and a placeholder reason to get players to go soemwhere (fake zelda) and rough ideas for puzzles etc, that was never finished, jsut highly polished (in looks, sounds and presentation) in hopes of it being 'good enough' or players not noticing (like, take the underground for example, the idea itself is fantastic and cool as fuck, but its feels like an idea that was never finished and just barely fileld with some things to try and cover up the fact that it was never done, like a statue that wasnt done being carved but ran out of time so they painted it anyway- take the base map and invert it, put some easily accessible points of jumping down into it in random spots to test if the game can handle it- no time left to actually get that idea anywhere more specific and well thought out/put together, so its left like that, put the same texture everywhere, barely modified copies of the same enemies, and some little reward spots that make no sense, modelling three types of trees and an enemy camp is way quicker to do than actually making an entire new map (they didnt have to make it the same size btw, just make it big but unique caves, put the gravity effect down there in enclosed spaces! makes it less weird to have randomly happen in the sky! etc) but its there!! its in the game and if they are lucky most players wont go down there enough to notice how meaningless and unfinished it all is)

knowing they would most likely never admit to it though, probably bc of their reputation, is just addign to the frustrations i have with it :I

(i just hate to not know the reason for things, if the devs, who are usually the ones being worked to the bone for things they know arent good, where put through that bc some executive big shot threw their tables around every so often or neglected their project bc they wanted to focus on something else first ... id like to know, i dont enjoy making up these conspiracy (?) theories .......... but i cant shake this feeling, its jsut makes no sense)

[wonder-worker]

Thinking about Elizabeth Woodville as a gothic heroine is making me go insane. She entered the story by overturning existing social structures, provoking both ire and fascination. She married into a dynasty doomed to eat itself alive. She was repeatedly associated with the supernatural, both in terms of love and death. Her life was shaped entirely by uncanny repetitions - two marriages, two widowhoods, two depositions, two flights to sanctuary, two ultimate reclamations, all paralleling and ricocheting off each other. Her plight after 1483 exposed the true rot at the heart of the monarchy - the trappings of royalty pulled away to reveal nothing, a never-ending cycle of betrayal and war, the price of power being the (literal) blood of children. She lived past the end of her family name, she lived past the end of her myth. She ended her life in a deeply anomalous position, half-in and half-out of royal society. She was both a haunting tragedy and the ultimate survivor who was finally free.

[sadkachow]

You cannot claim to be anti-AI while still actively seeking out and using AI.

Once again.

You cannot claim to be anti-AI while still using generative AI, no matter the reason.

(Bold/italicized text: You cannot claim to be anti-AI while still using generative AI, no matter the reason.)

Even if you’re just using it to make fun of it or show how bad it is.

Even if it’s only for your personal use, and you don’t plan on sharing it with anyone.

Even if you’re “just” roleplaying on Character AI.

If you are willing to justify your usage of a system created and profiting off of stealing from artists and writers, a symstem that is destroying the Earth, then you were never as “against that system” as you think you were. Being anti-AI isn’t something that exists only in name. You can’t claim to be against AI if you are willing and able to use it as soon as it benefits you. You can’t say you’re for writers’ and artists’ rights if you’re using the very thing that is causing them harm. You can’t claim to care about climate change and saving the Earth if you are participating in the system that is destroying it.

There is no middle ground here.

There is no “Oh, but I-“.

If you have the knowledge of what generative AI is doing, of how it is hurting people, and you choose to use it anyway, you aren’t  against it. You aren’t fighting against that system, you’re upholding it.

You can say how much you hate AI and how horrible you think it is, if you choose to use it anyway, then your actions and your words are not lining up, and the former reveals so much more than the latter.

Stop pretending like AI is something you can condemn only in name, while using it to your heart’s content in your free time. All it does it tells writers and artists that you don’t really care about us, and that any actions you claim to be taking to protect us are performative at best and lies or even outright malicious at worst.

You are—and I mean this in the kindest way possible, even with the fury that generative AI invokes in me—a complete and utter hypocrite. AI is not your friend. It is a tool, and it is a tool that steals from writers and artists in order to function. It is a tool that is using levels of energy and emitting amounts of polution in order to be maintained that are actively damaging the Earth. No matter how much you try to justify using it to yourself, that doesn’t change.

Stop hiding under the guise of being anti-AI while continuing to use it yourself.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

POOR GABRIEL MONTEZ! YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING DID YOU? ALL YOU WANTED WAS POWER. SECURITY. SAFETY. & THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT! JUST IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR BODY. LETS JUST HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS JUST HOPE YOU WONT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.