#This instance feels so DIFFERENT??????????

[jerryiothy]

now on the other hand, if I can find that res evil company fic poll i will write this fic but uh writing a res evil fic company that uses their fucky wucky viruses differently. Pretty gosh dang sure in that world it is a Legitimate Concern.

but that is fantasy!

fantasy is not reality!

often it is preferred, but it is not reality!

for instance, in that fic the reason the si, despite basically just having the same life as me up to 21 but with a little screwery with chronology, is wealthy enough to go collecting the raw ingredients is because instead of being so chronically isolated and parentally dependent that I could be convinced to stab a baby to death if you promised me skin contact, my “parents” left me alone just enough for me to combine being one of those kids that sell their nudes online/JK around at the ripe age of like 11 years with S T O N K S

why is this something I would have preferred?

1 the economy is fucked

2 genuine actual human attention

3 not becoming essentially an incel for long enough to start contemplating on r@ing and killing a bully (is it incel if said bully was male?) because it would be all I could ever have in terms of human interaction with someone other than my “parents”, who to be fair weren’t wealthy but like… .75 parent household does bad bad things to mental health and makes you horribly unempathic when you see everyone else just fucking living it up, high on life and all that jazz.

4 trauma that doesn’t make me seem like a spoiled little bitch enby

5 trauma that doesn’t make me seem like a spoiled little bitch enby, again, because the amount of “being lonely isn’t traumatic” I have gotten has done wonders for my self esteem

6 i would finally have the other half of the geisha skillset, seeing as i am a people-pleaser with artistic skill at singing, dancing, and story-writing. instead i am a bastard warlock wizard bard multiclass that sometimes rolls 170990 on magic missile and sometimes rolls 1 on breathing, but everyone expects you to consistently perform miracles just because I could back before the loneliness started unpersoning me. i genuinely believe it ate my gender identity and preference. hey at least it didn’t do that all the way for my sense of self and reality, just took a lil nibble and i now emotionally treat characters as if they were real sometimes and feel more kinship with mineta and jimmy even though they aren’t the same level of bad person because i have too many mirror neurons to safely be depressed without stanning the most problematic char because the villain always has massive fucking trauma while the hero is perfectly fucking mentally healthy despite having a 1000+ kill streak.

it’s all trauma.

(Yes, it’s all about me. If it weren’t I wouldn’t be able to aspire to anything.)

i hope you all realize that literally nobody is going around forcefemming cis men in real life, right? like that is Not A Thing that is happening. everyone who posts forcefem jokes on tumblr is well aware that doing that would be. you know. a crime. it's barely even legal to consentfem trans women in a lot of places.

[persicipen]

𑑛 “WARMTH” ﾉ JING YUAN. HONKAI STAR RAIL

afab gn reader ﾉ words 1.2k ᯽ sleepy jing yuan. you two warm yourself up during the cold night. bit messy but very loving. one or two instances of his cock tapping the cervix. creampie. cuddles and some compliments. petnames — dear, love ᯽ ADULT CONTENT ﾉ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT ᯽

An uninviting chill behind the warm walls of your private chamber — wind and darkness enveloping the world as it succumbs to the night, the summer weather long gone — keeps you away from unwrapping yourself out of the duvets. Here, you and your lover bask in the heated comfort created by each other’s bodies, basking in the gold light from the candles scattered around the room.

Jing Yuan’s breathing is hot, burning against your skin, sweat coating his toned figure and glistening like jewels, pearls he doesn’t need to buy as his own exertion adorns him beautifully — and you prefer him like that, anyway. Half-lidded eyes, sleepy, stay unmoved on your figure. His lips are bitten red as they ghost along the column of your neck and up to the shell of your ear. There’s an arm embracing your waist and another one keeping you close to his body, hand holding your wrist in a steady grip and pressed above your head, fingers entwined.

“Do you feel good?” He asks, face decorated with a smile before pressing a kiss right to your temple.

Your breathing hitches and legs wrap tighter around the general’s midriff, ankles digging into the muscles of his lower back and urging him even closer.

“Yes,” you murmur back, head lulling to the side, mouth parted open in silent moans and breathless pants, cheeks painted a deep shade of crimson. “More, please.”

“Heh… what an insatiable hunger, hm?”

The man laughs quietly at your impatience, honey-coloured eyes filled with adoration as he observes the way your eyelashes flutter and eyebrows furrow. One of your hands reaches upwards, untangling itself from his hold, and grabs onto his hair, fingers curling into the fluffy mane.

“Don’t tease me. You’re going slow on purpose…”

“No, love. I’m enjoying the moment with you underneath me.”

“Mhm, liar.”

He groans and lowers himself until his mouth finds yours; the kiss turns into a sloppy mess, trying to align your lips together, but you love it. You love him. He feels like home, your new home, a safe harbour to your heart and soul.

Jing Yuan parts away and takes a shaky breath, almost a chuckle when his thrusts start to become even slower, yet, thankfully, deeper and stronger. To think that you’re able to take all of his cock inside is an achievement on its own, albeit he relishes in the pride that he’s the one who made you so wet and needy and worked you open with his fingers first that you had no trouble letting his hefty shaft sink into your heat.

You two should get ready for sleep, plans interrupted by the growing desire once your bodies touched under the plush of the bedsheets. The general was always a weak man for you, your beauty, your words and smiles and affection — he’d give you the stars if you asked him to. How could he refuse to pin you under his weight, to feel your hot skin whilst you two urgently loosened up your robes? No chance.

It is no different now, where you lay under his broad form and take each and every movement, every roll of his hips. Your walls clench around him, slick coating his cock and sticking to his balls whenever he holds the entirety of his length inside of you, purring at the pulsing of your aroused cunt.

The candlelights illuminate the sheen atop your chest and cheeks like little suns, stars dancing in the reflection from the sweat. You look like a deity in his eyes, someone who he’d happily spend his life worshipping and admiring.

And he does so. His best, actually, based on the sweet sounds that escape your throat.

You meet his rhythm, letting yourself bounce back and forth on his girth with a wet gasp when his blunt head prods against your deepest parts, teasing the cervix, once, twice. He feels like burning steel, melting hot and hard inside your walls, tip reaching and nudging where it is too pleasurable, but you don’t want to stop, even reaching the brink of consciousness, dizzy at the tingling borders of your mind. The pleasure and warmth coil into a tight ribbon within the confines of your stomach, ready to burst out and set everything ablaze.

“I love you,” Jing Yuan breathes out, kissing the side of your face, trailing to your cheeks and then lips.

“I love you too…”

“How sweet to hear it coming from you. You’re so good to me, yes?”

“Yes, but… only if you stop teasing. Come on, general, move a bit more.”

A hand let go of your waist, and his fingers find the little nub above your folds. His digits play with it, and your thighs tremble and tighten around his body, breath stuck in your throat before a loud whimper escapes your mouth.

“I’m close,” you tell him, nails digging into his shoulder and dragging along the expanse of his muscles, leaving red lines on his pale skin.

“Yes, yes,” he pants out, forehead lowering until it’s pressing against yours. He smiles and his teeth nibble onto your lips, licking the spit and tasting the sweet remnants of spiced tea from your previous meal.

“Please, I can’t take it anymore, dear…”

“Come for me, my love. Come undone for me.”

Jing Yuan’s name tumbles out from your tongue when your back arches and your pussy clamps around him, tight, unbearable. The coil within you snaps, heat engulfing your whole figure from the tip of your clit to the ends of your limbs and fingers as the ripples of pleasure keep crashing against your nerves. Again and again, relentlessly.

Your orgasm is enough to drive him into his own completion. The snug grip and wetness of your cunt, the finest embrace, get him to grunt and lick the sensitive flesh of your neck, all while the twisted knot within his loins unwinds at last. His essence spills into you and fills up the insides with the whiteness of his cum, some of it immediately sticking to his cock and creating a creamy ring around his girth. He rocks his hips a few more times before stilling completely, chest rising and falling in unison with your own.

After a minute or ten, the general moves off of you — his weight palpable and allowing you to take a deep breath, although it’s not that having him on top of you was anything bad — and pulls back the head of his softened cock, nudging your entrance one last time before letting himself slip out.

Quickly, he gathers you in his arms and moves your body sideways, laying down and resting his back on the softness of the mattress, bringing you close to his chest, still damp from the exercise.

“Quite handsome you are, general.” You grin.

“Not as quite beautiful as you.”

Among giggles and sleepy kisses, your fingers rake through the matted strands of his hair and brush the unruly crimson ribbon from his face. Amazing that it somehow managed to keep the loose ponytail intact, merely loosened up and letting some more of the silver locks fall on his shoulders.

[wonderjanga]

Billy's Gears/Modes Inspired by the post where you say he is far more serious when doing 'Champion of Magic' work. What other personality shifts might Billy go through that seem drastic and terrifying to Green Lantern and the Flash? Broke Billy might do something weirder and more drastic than just stealing more. or maybe after seeing movies he becomes more dangerous by imitating physics defying cgi on the job

Private justifications that cause drastic observable "unexplainable" shifts in how Marvel behaves (I doubt Billy is aware of the shifts in behaviour but Mary might notice the patterns) idk "the many faces of marvel"

I love this idea! Lemme see what I can do with it!

There is something wrong with her brother. Mary knows it. She doesn’t know what exactly it is, but she knows it’s something. Whatever it is, it not only affects her brother, but his Marvel form. It seems she’s not the only person who noticed these personality shifts too.

Flash, GL, and Marvel: *fighting Adam in Fawcett*

Black Adam: *mentions something about Billy’s parents*

Marvel: *looks more mad than Flash or GL have ever seen in their lives*

That’s how they ended up just standing to the side as Marvel was on top of Adam, beating his face in. He looked like a wild animal. A rabid dog if you will. Wow.

GL: *from like 20 feet away summons a hand to pat Marvel’s shoulder* “Hey, man? I think you got him…?”

Marvel: “NO, I DON’T!”

Flash and GL: *flinch*

Flash: “Oh okay. Our bad.”

As an apology, he ended up taking them out for milkshakes.

Marvel: “Guys I’m so sorry you had to see that side of me.”

Flash: “It’s- it’s fine. Do you let that side of you out normally?”

Marvel: “I try not to.”

GL: “I see. I see.” *nods head*

Then, there’s the time Freddy, Mary, and Billy snuck into a movie house to watch a thief movie. Billy got inspired to rob Ebenezer.

Billy: *humming the mission impossible theme as he sneaks through one of Eben’s windows*

Mary: “This is extremely unethical. Are you sure you’re pure of heart?”

Billy: “Yup.” *barely listening*

Mary: “So where’s the money?”

Billy: “What money?”

Mary: “The money we’re stealing? I was under the impression we were gonna steal money cause we’re broke.”

Billy: “Oh. No. No no no. We’re stealing this.” *stops at a drawer and pulls out Eben’s cane looking straight up evil*

Mary: *jaw on the damn floor* “Are you serious?”

Billy: “Yup. Now cmon.” *hums the mission impossible theme again as he heads back to the window*

Later…

Billy: *back to being the chipper little guy he normally is*

Mary: *shakes her head* “How do you do that?”

Billy: “Do what?”

Mary: “Go from being normal to evil then back to normal?”

Billy: “What? How am I evil?”

Mary: “Billy, you stole an old man’s cane. That’s evil.”

Billy: “Nuh uh. It’s Ebenezer.”

Mary: *sort of understands but still thinks he’s evil* “Okay.”

After a couple more flash instances of him being evil or angry for a couple moments around friends or family. Someone finally asked the question of what was wrong with him. Specifically, Flash and GL went up to Junior and Mary to pop the question.

Flash: “Hey uh… Kids? Does Cap have some kind of instability or condition or something?”

Junior: “Uh no, what are you talking about?” *looks him up and down like he’s stupid*

Flash: *feels stupid* “Well, uh-”

Mary: “You mean the personality shifts right?”

GL: “Yes!”

Junior: “The what?”

Mary: “B- uh Marvel sometimes does this entire like 180 into a different personality because he either feels really strongly about something or he’s just really focused on something.”

Flash: “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! What uh what’s up with that?”

Mary: “To be honest, I don’t really know. He just gets like that under certain circumstances. Don’t worry though. They’re normally rare circumstances.”

[coffeegnomee]

I finally finished the vod and BRO. derap just reminds me so much of eclipse zam. I think that's why i forgive all his wrongs. his leading questions, his wanting proof of change of zam choosing him over mapicc.

Derap has found himself on a team that he loves dearly. That he never wants to leave. That he refuses to leave. That was there for him at his lowest, and accepted him in when he had nothing. (and he feels like the anchor to keep zam from going evil, feels like he's making positive change on zam whom he was (and still is) convinced will go insane and evil if he doesn't take care of himself)

And every conversation he thinks zam will be the one to leave him. kick him out.

Every damn meeting in eclipse zam left being like "yippee im so glad they didn't kick me off the team!" completely, completely missing the concept that vi and subz desperately loved him and didn't want him to leave. the last thing they wanted was for eclipse to fall apart. they would change and adjust the plan as much as necessary to make zam know they wanted him to stay. that they wanted him to love the project they were working towards. and every time zam said he was okay with the plan again, they breathed a sign of relief.

But every day zam swallowed his own opinion and kept moving forward with the team. and freaking derapchu is doing the same thing. there have been so many instances of this, i could never list them all. zam thought of bringing his tree from spawn to zaun and derap almost said he hated how it looked and zam shouldn't build it, but swallowed that and said if zam wanted to build it he could. he said he wanted to start going on a murder spree and zam said he didn't want that at all, and next thing you know derap is saying he doesn't want to kill anymore. There's a hundred little instances of derap realizing his opinions differ from zam's wants and he shoves his own opinions away. if he doesn't, he will be kicked off the team.

And as derap tries to bring up what his concerns are, he shoves the responsibility for deciding the fate of the team on zam. Just like zam did. zam could not tell eclipse he wanted to leave, he wanted them to choose for him.

eclipse was doomed because zam had to face the fact that he couldn't put his needs last. that he couldn't just ignore what mattered most to him. period. and because he was terrible at confrontation and communication.

and somehow derap, despite founding this team precisely upon making zam realize he needs to put himself first and be selfish, doesn't realize he needs to do that too. and that he's not doing it. even if he rebuttled zam when zam brought that up. tbh imo he switched it up fast when zam brought that point up.

it does help that zam isn't lying to derap: unfortunately eclipse was keeping secrets from zam. big secrets.

But derap is convinced zam is still lying to him. he said it and then immediately went back on it.

And fundamentally, it was not so much that eclipse lied to zam about the wormhole, and more that zam thought they were lying when they said they weren't going to be the villains. he didn't believe that it was about protecting the three of them, not taking over the server. and it was always about protecting them. vi proved that in the end with banning himself and letting spoke completely take over the project.

There is a massive conflict of interest and a deep insecure distrust. and derap cannot admit how much that bothers him. he says he's fine with zam doing things with mapicc. he says he's just wants zam to be happy. but he is so desperately unhappy. no matter how much he insists on the opposite.

devotions only got their win (yipppe!!!) because zam refused to stop talking to mapicc and mapicc felt comfortable enough saying exactly what he thought. and then zam felt comfortable saying exactly what he thought too. both aired their real grievances, not shooting hypotheticals and asking only for the other to make choices about wether or not they would stay teamed. and it earned apologies and resolution all around. devotions w.

and mapicc compromised with zam, he didn't change his opinion for him. he still thinks mawn was good, did do good, doesn't want to let it go, but thinks it's done what it was meant to do. so he is letting it fade away. zam compromised with mapicc. he still thinks mawn was too much, that he can't join it, that he won't go against it, but thinks maybe it wasn't all bad. so he's going to help mapicc if mapicc needs help. W being secure in having your own opinions.

derap keeps changing his opinion for zam.

maybe they don't fall apart. derap is not zam. everybody is unique. but damn if the parallels aren't here and aren't looming like a storm cloud over it all.

[annabelle--cane]

I say this like clockwork every three months but dear evan hansen is just so viscerally upsetting to think about the second you're even a hair's breadth out of childhood. rare instance of a piece of media that speaks directly to both its teen and adult audiences and gives both of them good but wildly different emotional experiences. you watch it as a teen and feel the catharsis of an intense dark drama that hits close to home. you watch it as an adult and see hell, in person, with your eyes.

[personastrologyhub]

Interpreting the MC Persona Chart by yourself

The MC (Midheaven) persona chart may seem complex at first, but it’s actually quite straightforward to interpret. Since persona charts are still a relatively new concept in the astrology community, many of the interpretations I’ve come across on Tumblr are either inaccurate or missing key details. Given the number of requests I’ve received, I thought it was important to clarify a few things.

I’m also in the process of writing a book that will explore persona charts in greater detail. If you’re interested, feel free to comment below! It’s really reassuring to me to hear that you a liking what I post and that it’s helping you understand a little better.

So we know that the MC Persona, the focuses on your public life, career, reputation, and aspirations. It represents how you engage with your ambitions and how you strive to fulfil your life’s purpose in the outer world. The MC persona chart provides a detailed lens into the archetype of your professional identity and legacy, reflecting the roles and energies you embody when you seek achievement or recognition. 

Key Elements to Analyze in the MC Persona Chart

1. The MC’s Placement and Ruler

• The MC Sign: The zodiac sign on the Midheaven indicates the qualities you bring to your public life. For instance:

• Aries MC: Bold, competitive, and pioneering in your career.

• Libra MC: Diplomatic, relationship-focused, and creative in your aspirations.

• The MC Ruler: The planetary ruler of the MC sign becomes critical in understanding how you direct your energy toward your goals so it refers to the style , focus and energy you bring into your professional role, as well as the areas of life where you are most likely to invest your efforts to achieve success. Example:

If Venus rules your MC (e.g., Taurus or Libra MC), you may prioritize beauty, harmony, relationships, and creativity in your professional life.

2. The Ascendant in the MC Persona Chart

• The Ascendant represents how the “career self” or public-facing persona appears to the world. It provides insights into your approach to achieving success. For example:

• Sagittarius Rising: A public persona marked by optimism, exploration, and a passion for spreading knowledge.

• Cancer Rising: A nurturing, protective approach to public life, focusing on emotional connection and service.

3. Sun in the MC Persona Chart

• The Sun represents your core identity within the context of your career and legacy. Its placement by sign and house reveals where and how you shine in your professional life:

• Sun in the 10th House: A strong desire for recognition and leadership in your field.

• Sun in the 6th House: A focus on work and service as essential to your public identity.

4. Moon in the MC Persona Chart

• The Moon reflects emotional fulfillment and subconscious motivations in your career. Its placement reveals where you seek emotional resonance in your professional pursuits:

• Moon in the 4th House: A need for your work to feel like “home” or to reflect deep personal values.

• Moon in the 11th House: Emotional satisfaction through group efforts, social causes, or long-term goals.

5. The Outer Planets (Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto)

• These planets often signify long-term influences or transformational energies in your career:

• Saturn: Represents discipline, responsibility, and challenges in achieving your goals.

• Uranus: Highlights innovation, rebellion, or sudden changes in your public life.

• Neptune: Reflects dreams, illusions, or spirituality tied to your career.

• Pluto: Indicates transformation, power dynamics, and profound shifts in your aspirations.

6. The Houses in the MC Persona Chart

The houses in the MC persona chart retain their foundational meanings but reflect how your public identity and career aspirations manifest in different life areas:

• 1st House: How you present yourself in your career. The “face” of your professional persona.

• 6th House: Your daily work habits and routines as they relate to your public life.

• 10th House: The core area of career and public identity, showing where you aim for recognition and success.

• 12th House: Hidden influences or subconscious patterns affecting your professional life.

7. Aspects in the MC Persona Chart

• MC Ruler’s Aspects: The aspects made by the planet ruling your MC sign reveal critical dynamics in your career:

• Conjunction with Jupiter: Opportunities for growth and expansion in your professional life.

• Square with Saturn: Challenges and delays in achieving recognition, requiring perseverance.

• Sun–MC Aspects: The interaction between your core identity and your professional aspirations.

How to Use the MC Persona Chart

1. Understand Your Career Archetype: The MC persona chart reveals the energy, qualities, and challenges that define your approach to public life. For example:

• If the MC is in Leo, the chart may focus on creativity and leadership.

• If the MC is in Virgo, the emphasis may be on precision, service, and skill mastery.

2. Clarify Your Motivations: Use the MC persona chart to uncover the motivations behind your professional choices. The Moon’s placement often reveals what brings emotional satisfaction in your career.

• A strong Saturn in the MC persona chart suggests discipline and endurance but may also indicate career-related delays or burdens.

• A challenging Neptune aspect could suggest confusion or unrealistic expectations in your professional goals.

I Hope that helps

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

My Top 10 Fics Of 2024

So, I have decided that I am gonna do the same thing that I did last year because I had so much fucking fun with this last time and it's a great way to look back and reflect on all the hard work I have done this year. And I am counting these down not based on statistics - not how many likes these posts have or how 'popular' they are, but based on how much I like them, and I get to really reflect on how writing these fics made me feel. And that is truly the most important part of fanfiction - how much fun I am having. So I am really happy and excited to reflect on all the awesome stuff I have written this year.

And I think a really great sign is that I had an incredibly difficult time with this year's ranking. Because I wrote so many amazing fics that I had so much fun with. Even if I had a really (not so fun) incident where I came very close to quitting fanfiction altogether, I had a lot of fun, and I wrote a lot of amazing things that I am so fucking proud of. And I'm only including fics in this ranking that I have posted (which is why I strategically waited until after certain fics were posted to write and make this ranking) - and not even including ones I have written and not yet posted, which are also fics I absolutely fucking love. So even if this year may not have been great for my mental health or my physical health, this year was a year where I felt great and comfortable and happy as an artist.

Anyway, here's the ranking!!

This year I posted 20 different fics consisting of over 250,000 words - and that is not including the fics I have not edited and the unfinished WIPs I have in my drafts.

Also keep in mind, if you randomly see this post in tags and you don't follow me, this is my main blog and not my fanfiction blog. My fanfiction blog is @sundrop-writes - you can follow me there to check out my fics and follow me for all my exciting fanfiction adventures in 2025.

Honorable Mentions:

Meddle About - Sub!Spencer Reid x Dom!Fem!Reader (6,300 words). I was slightly conflicted about if I should put this on the list or not, because currently, this is (in terms of statistics) the most popular fic on my blog right now, and usually when a fic is super popular, I am less inclined to like it. But this list is supposed to be strictly about how I feel about my fics and the experience I had while writing them. And I did really enjoy the experience of writing this fic - it was really fun to write something absolutely kinky and filthy and to write a fic that was so truly stuck in my head. I had a lot of fun with it.

The Restricted Section - Dom!Hermione Granger x Sub!Fem!Reader x (Secret Voyeur) Harry Potter (4,400 words). This is one of my absolute favourite fics that I have written this year, and it just didn't make the top ten because other fics were more my favourite. I loved writing this because it was such a fun PWP and it was one of those instances where I had the idea and then the fic was posted like a day later. It's a lot of fun.

Tongue Twister - Sub!Gar Logan x Dom!GN!Reader (2,000 words). This is one that I actually forgot that I wrote this year - it feels like so long ago lmao. But I really loved it when I wrote it, I love it now. I will always love Gar so much, and I love writing slutty fics about him.

Eager Little Puppy - Sub!Isaac Lahey x Dom!GN!Reader (2,700 words). This is by far one of my favourite things I have written this year - Isaac is one of my new favourite characters, and I have absolutely loved writing about him (and I look forward to writing more about him in the future). This is just a representation of how much I love him.

One Moment Per Episode With Dick Grayson - Dick Grayson x Fem!Reader (8,300 words). This is another one that I forgot was from this year because it feels like so long ago. I really fucking love the concept and I really, really want to continue it further in 2025 (feel free to send me messages if you are excited about it and want to see more, because I would like to set aside some specific time to work on it). Anyway - I really love the start of it and I really love what I have planned for this fic in the future.

Now, onto The Top Ten:

10. Precious Time Alone (aka The Knot Fic) - Gar Logan x Fem!Reader (11,800 words)

Even with the ability to see the future, you never would have guessed that your life would lead you to falling in love with the perfect man - someone sweet, caring, funny, cute. Someone with the passion and fire to protect the ones that he loves no matter what. A precious guy with green hair who had the ability to transform into a tiger at will. And when you finally made love to him for the first time, you never could have guessed how that unique ability affected his sex life. You weren’t exactly complaining, but you wished you had seen this coming. At the end of the day, it was just another thing about him to love. Or - Neither you nor Gar knew that he has the ability to knot, and you both find out for the first time when you have sex together. Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader. Established Relationship. Smut/PWP. Set during Season 2, Episode 9.

It's such an interesting coincidence that both this year and last year, the number ten slot contains a Gar fic that is a re-make/re-post. I have a lot of fics that are only on AO3 and not on Tumblr, and I highly recommend that you check out my AO3 for that reason, but if I am transferring a fic from AO3 to Tumblr, I love to go through and do some edits on it and see how I can improve it before I post it again.

I absolutely loved this fic when I first posted it, and I love it even more with the edits - including the new scene that I added. It is such a fun idea that could be considered Crack Fic (so often, I write Crack Fic concepts but I treat them seriously) - the idea that Gar has a Knot because he is 'an animal' (or because he has animal DNA). It's such a funny idea, but it was fun and hot to write porn about it.

I love this fic, and if it is your thing and you would enjoy reading it, I hope that you enjoy it too.

9. The Way You Miss Me - Fred Weasley x Fem!Reader (18,500 words)

Fred broke up with you. He made it clear that he was going to have a new life when he opened his shop, and he didn’t need you to be a part of it. You being stuck on him was just another joke in a long line of pranks that he pulled. And life kept on laughing at you when your fear of heights was triggered by a potentially life ending mission the Order put together that had you dangling hundreds of feet over London, held up only by Fred’s strength and determination. So what does it mean when the two of you land, and he’s the only thing that can stop your shaking panic? What does it mean when he’s looking at you with nothing but love in his eyes, holding you tight like a lover would? Fred Weasley x Fem!Reader. Exes to Lovers. Emotional Angst and Smut. Set during Deathly Hallows.

This fic is one of the reasons that the ranking was so difficult. This one got moved around a lot because I had so much fun writing it and working on it. I am also super proud of this fic because originally, the idea was going to be part of a much longer fic, and I am so glad that I was able to pull off the emotions and the tone that I wanted in a much shorter word count that took me a lot less time. It makes me incredibly proud of myself - that I don't feel like I have to spend months and months on an idea in order to truly pull it off.

I fucking love this fic and I am so happy with how it turned out.

8. Why Am I The One? - Isaac Lahey x Fem!Reader (15,200 words)

Isaac loves you. He loves you more than anything else in the world - which is exactly why he has stayed away from you for so long. But when Derek kicks him out onto the street in the pouring rain with absolutely no warning and no reasoning as to why, Isaac has nowhere else to go. He could claim that he sought you out because you’re close by, because he knows that you won’t turn him away in his time of need - but deep down, it’s because he misses you. And staying away from you for so long is the hardest, stupidest thing he has ever done. Isaac Lahey x Fem!Reader. Exes to Lovers. Smut and Emotional Angst. Set during Season 3, Episode 4.

Again, this is one that made the ranking very hard. I enjoyed the process of writing this so fucking much. I was immediately inspired when I saw the episode, and as soon as I saw it, I started working on this fic - the imagery of Isaac so slutty in his white shirt sparks the temptation to write smut, but I love the emotional depth of him being a literal kicked puppy (after being kicked out by Derek) and being emotionally vulnerable and needing some place to go and someone to turn to. It is literally a perfect recipe for the kind of smut I write - super hot sex with emotional depth because one of the characters is feeling vulnerable. It's perfect.

This fic is exactly what I wanted it to be when I set out to write it, and I especially loved exploring Isaac's grief for Erica (which is by far not explored enough in the show) and I might do a continuation of it in the future, I'm not sure. Either way, I think it's fantastic, and it definitely deserves a spot on this list.

7. She Keeps Me Up - Dom!MILF!Jennifer Jareau x Sub!Fem!Reader (3,100 words)

JJ is protective of you. When you offer yourself up as ‘bait’ to lure in an UnSub who is killing women of your type, she protests endlessly about it - but ultimately she can’t stop you. She can, however, possessively lay her claim on you when you get back from the ordeal with nothing more than a tiny scratch. Dom!Jennifer Jareau x Sub!Fem!Reader. Established Dom/Sub Relationship. Smut/PWP.

Like I said, this list is all about reflecting, and I was considering wiping all Criminal Minds fics off this list because of the experience that I had - but that wouldn't be fair to my past self or fair to my art. Especially because this is one of my favourite fics I have ever written and whenever I listen to the song that I titled it for, I still have incredibly fond memories of writing this fic.

I think that MILF!JJ is my favourite version of JJ, even though - ironically - I haven't seen a lot of the later seasons. But way too many people obsess over Professor Reid and Grey Haired Prentiss (who I also love, don't get me wrong) - but I think there is not enough love for MILF!JJ. Not by far. I want to be her controversially younger girlfriend.

I actually have something in my drafts that is MILF!JJ centric, and if I finished it, it would be the only thing that could get me to stray back into the Criminal Minds fandom. I am so down bad for JJ, it's not even funny. (So - if you wanna see more of her, feel free to come in my inbox and let me know.)

6. Blood In The Water - Void!Stiles Stilinski x Fem!Reader (11,700 words)

Being Stiles’s best friend, you are incredibly worried about him when you figure out that he is quite literally not himself - and that the thing currently occupying his body could be destroying it in the process. When you approach him to show this concern, Void takes a particular interest in you. He’s not capable of love, or even fondness, but he likes you. And he likes the way your fear spikes when you talk about Stiles. So he makes you a deal - he’ll agree to take care of this fleshy, mortal host, in exchange for something more precious, more rare, and more delicious than the meal you have brought for Stiles. He wants your pain. He wants your tears. Void!Stiles Stilinski x Fem!Reader. Pining Best Friends. Extreme Emotional Angst, Hurt No Comfort. Set during Season 3 (with flashbacks to Season 1, Episode 11).

Another one that made the ranking so hard. This fic was so much fun to write, because as I said in the A/N for it - I fucking love writing villains. I love writing characters who are absolutely unambiguously evil. I do think it's a big of a shame that the recent cultural shift is to write villains as morally ambiguous or to take characters who are evil (or morally grey shifting more towards 'bad' in the canon) and soften them up so much in fanfiction to make it seem like they did nothing wrong.

A lot of people write Void as one of those "he is bad but he won't hurt me because he loves me uwu" characters and I really don't like that - because I want to write him as a character who is absolutely fucking incapable of love. He does not know love, he doesn't know what it is, and he has absolutely no softness or fondness for any person.

I really want to write a sequel to this fic - I have one drafted out that I think would be so fucking good - and I think I want to make it one of my goals for 2025 to complete and post the sequel. Anyway, just this fic as it is, I fucking love it, and I had such a fantastic time writing it.

5. Downhill - Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader (20,100 words)

Draco knows his place in the world. He is a Malfoy, he is Pureblood. He is supposed to marry, carry on the Pureblood line. He is supposed to do everything that his parents would - including killing, if it’s what his Dark Lord wishes. Draco Malfoy is not supposed to hesitate. He is not supposed to feel fear. He is not supposed to have room in his heart for fondness, or even love. Not even when it comes to his bartered and bought fellow Pureblood fiancee. Love is nothing but a weakness. And Malfoys are not weak. Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader. Arranged Marriage/Hesitant Lovers. Emotional Angst and Smut. Set during Half-Blood Prince.

This is one of the fics that caused me to strategically wait to make and post this whole list lmao. And I am glad that I actually got this fic posted when I wanted to, and I'm glad that I waited. I have had this fic brewing in my drafts for a long time, and I have had the general idea for it in my head for a lot longer. I've actually had the idea in my head for longer than the original fic existed (the fic that this is a prequel to) and when I figured out that I could utilise my idea here, I was so excited.

I love writing about the real consequences of Draco being a Death Eater and I fucking love writing the Arranged Marriage trope, and this was all my favourite things to write about rolled up into one. And I also loved writing the inclusion of Harry having a very shallow one-sided crush on the reader when she is too busy actually falling in love with Draco to notice. This was incredibly fun for me to write and I absolutely love how it turned out - so it is by far one of my favourite fics I have written this year.

4. Figure It Out - A Criminal Minds Casefic (18,000 words)

Since you joined the BAU, you have been keeping a terrible secret from the team. When the team takes a case in your hometown - your festering secret comes to be known with a vengeance. Fem!Reader x Gen!BAU Team (Platonic). General Casefic, modelled after a Criminal Minds episode. Angst, Mystery, Hurt and Comfort. Set during Criminal Minds Season 3.

I feel like this list would be incomplete if I did not include the fic I obsessed over as my first fic of the year. This fic really did a lot for me as an artist - for so long I have been wanting to write something with a similar concept to the music video for Figure It Out by Royal Blood (something where the story essentially goes in reverse and more details are revealed along the way, constantly changing who you believe is the villain vs who is the victim). The first time I saw that music video, it changed me and I have been so radically inspired by it ever since.

And because this idea has been sitting in my head for literal years, I am so fucking proud that I managed to do it justice. And I do think that Criminal Minds is the perfect backdrop to do this kind of idea with, and I think that this is actually a kind of radical artistic episode that they might actually do.

I would also love to use this format for other fandoms (I think it would work so well for The Walking Dead especially, and you guys know that I want to apply everything I do to Titans) - so I am so glad that I wrote this fic and gained confidence in writing something with an usual format and that I just got to have fun with it.

3. When Doves Cry - Jason Todd x Gar Logan (11,100 words)

At Dick’s insistence, Jason comes back to Wayne Manor to help the Titans end Crane’s deadly plan. Jason doesn’t want redemption or forgiveness - he’s done believing that he’s worthy of those. Once Crane is back at Arkham where he belongs, Jason plans to disappear, never to be heard from again. But Gar - someone who never stopped loving Jason and never stopped believing in his goodness - has other plans. Jason Todd x Gar Logan. Friends to Lovers/Lovers Reunited. Smut and Emotional Angst. Set during Season 3, Episode 13.

This fic is absolutely so fucking special to me. This is actually one of my only fics that has a dedication, even though most of my romance based fics should be dedicated to @nctzenkane - because he is the love of my life and he inspires most of my romance based fics in one way or another.

I wrote this fic at a time when I was really struggling as an artist. If you have been following me all year, then you will likely know about an incident where I spent months writing a longer fic, and that fic garnered some complaints and hate comments, and when I spoke up with my distaste for those comments - I was basically told to shut up, and I was told that fanfic readers have a right to be rude and treat fic authors like shit the second that we post our work to the 'public'.

And it really demotivated me and the whole incident really made me thoroughly consider quitting writing altogether, especially considering the fact that my chronic illness is getting worse each year and every single time I successfully post a fic, more and more work has gone into that fic behind the scenes (past my illness) in order to make that fic 'visible to the public'.

All of this to say that I was feeling down, disappointed and lost, and I asked Jaycen what to do - what I should write to truly make myself feel confident and good in my art again. I asked him to request something because I needed some inspiration and some artistic direction. And he requested this fic - because he usually only enjoys romances between canon character pairings (and he loves JayGar because I majorly fed him the juice on that) and he knows that Titans is my strong suit.

The fic is also incredibly special to me because the song is also incredibly special - even though I fucking love 80s music, I didn't really listen to Prince until Jaycen encouraged me to, and when I listened to this song for the first time, it really wormed its way in as one of my all time favourite songs. And it suits these characters and their dynamic so well in addition to being such a beautifully personal song to me.

So yeah - this fic is gonna go down in history as one of my top five favourite fics of all time, not just from this year. And it definitely made the ranking a lot harder.

2. Heaven's Gate - Daryl Dixon x GN!Reader (24,200 words)

Hope. Not the fragile, delicate thing that everyone mistakes it to be. Hope is stubborn, and grows inside of you long before you ever realize its purpose there. Hope can’t be crushed by a thousand pound tank or torn apart as easily as concrete walls can. Hope is balanced on the backs of songbirds, it whistles quietly in the wind, and it brings you right where you need to be (even if you don’t know it). Daryl Dixon x GN!Reader. Strangers to Lovers/Lovers Reunited. Emotional Angst, Hurt and Comfort, Fluff. Set during Seasons 1-5.

This is another fic that is so fucking special to me, and that's why it's so close to the top of the ranking. I have had this idea in mind for years probably - I fucking love the concept of any fic that involves reunions when it comes to The Walking Dead (and I could write 10,000 more fics based on this concept) because every single moment of reunion in the show just fucking gets me. Even though I don't really like Rick and Lori's relationship (and I love Lori, don't mistake me as a Lori hater - never), the moment where Rick gets out of the cube van and reunites with Carl and Lori for the first time in the first season - it gives me goosebumps every single time without fail.

So I simply aim to recreate that feeling with my fics.

Also - the bird symbolism. When I lived at my old place, I had a bird feeder right outside my window, and I used to do a lot of bird watching. And I became familiar with certain bird species and the rarity of certain types of birds, and there is just something hopeful that ignites within you when you see a particularly rare bird - and it is a myth I have heard that cardinals represent good luck (likely because of their rarity) when you see them.

And I love how the whole fic evolved to represent hope, which I think is something we all need more of in our lives. During this year of existential dread and sadness, it felt really good to write something that was purely about happiness and hope.

1. The Jaws of Life - Jason Todd x GN!Reader (19,900 words)

You and Jason don’t really hate each other - at least not anymore. Your feelings for each other are more than complicated, and before you have time to figure it all out, you have to part ways. Jason goes back to Gotham at Bruce’s behest, and you’re off to visit a long lost relative that you didn’t even know cared about you. Unfortunately, while you’re apart, the Joker makes things even more complicated with a phone call and a gun. And your world comes crashing down before you can even put names to all the stars in your sky. Jason Todd x GN!Powered!Reader. Friends With Benefits to Lovers/Lovers Reunited. Smut, Extreme Emotional Angst, Hurt and Comfort. Set during Season 3. 

Here is the big number one! I am giving this one the top spot even though it's incomplete (and I am kind of biased because in my head, I am including how amazing stuff from the second part is) - and maybe it's just an excuse to include such an amazing fic in two different 'Top 10 Fics of The Year' posts lmao. Because when I post the second part in January, technically it will count for next year too.

But anyway - I love this fic so fucking much. This fic has been so long in the making, and I love every single aspect of it - the emotions, the metaphors, the length. This is one of those fics that is perfect to me because it came out exactly how I wanted it to be in my head. I am so utterly proud of this fic, and I am so glad that people are getting to read it now, even if it is just the first part.

Anyway - that's all for this year, and I am sooo looking forward to seeing what I can come up with next year.

[5a-alf]

The more i think about my experiences in military school, the more i realize the ravens were probably run similarly (if with a harder lean on the cult part) so i wanted to make a post explaining how quickly and even just how new ravens fell into group mentality.

[[Disclaimer: i think my experiences are like,, quite similar to some of what happened in the nest to the general raven but for them is like upped to 200%. We can argue the army is type of cult but not one as tightly run as the ravens probably were]]

The answer to the first is: pretty quickly. Let's say, a month is enough. After that first month, if you were to take them out of the environment they'd be quickly fine again, but they'd already be familiar with the mentality and would follow it if left in the nest. Different kinds of people react differently to the same conditions, but i do think Tetsuji choose ravens also based on their personalities/character, because each year only 4/5 people got into his team out of the thousand kids that play exy in high school, so he could choose for talent but also for drive and ability to listen to orders ecc. This eliminates the hardest type to break down, which is people who are naturally oppositional (like,,, any fox for example). He's looking for good soldiers.

Then, you are now allowed in this super niche private luxury club; there's only other 3 new people. One of them is now your partner forever and ever. What happens? You give EVERYTHING you have to be better than the other duo. That's only natural, there's a first place and a last place because only two couples are in this race; you need to win. What do you do to get better? You look for guidance in the older people around you. Some will ignore you, some will engage with you, but always with an air of superiority. You yourself are somewhat struck by their presence, as maybe you saw them play on television before, or speak in interviews.. you know of them, and that already puts you a step under them. That's power that they hold over you.

Now. There's rules in the nest. Do you think they were written? Do you believe for a minute that the new ravens were given a brief the first week, to let them know all about what is and isn't allowed? No. The rules are silent. You notice them because you can't miss the punishment that inevitably happens when you break them.

You sit in the wrong chair - someone screams at you.

You use the wrong tshirt - someone beats you up.

Well, now you won't sit it in the chair anymore, or use that tshirt in that specific instance, but you know what else you won't do? Sit in any chair you haven’t sat in before. Wear a tshirt you haven’t yet worn.

It takes that little.

Then with time comes confort. Months go by and now you now most of the rules, you're fine. Then you reach your second year, and there's new people... who will teach them the rules? You. Especially if they sit in the chair that is specifically reserved for second years. That's yours. And you feel you've earned it by making it through the year; that's a rule, isn't it? And you have a lot of pent up anger, because you are juggling school and training and you haven't had a pause in more than a year, you haven't seen your family or your pet or your old friends.

You yell. You beat them up.

The funny thing is, even when you just follow the rules to keep the peace, do it "ironically", to avoid having problems, at some point... it comes naturally. You get more and more comfortable with what you once found wrong, or not even wrong, but probably pretty stupid. Because the thing it: it's easier to oppose things that are glaringly wrong. You don't start teaching a new raven how to prey on kids. You start with something that maybe makes no sense, but also has no consequences, especially moral ones.

Why wluld you fight so hard for a chair. You can have another. It's not even that comfortable. It's not worth being yelled at. Just leave the chair.

And then, slowly, it escalates.

And the more time you spend inside, the more you let go on any of the hangups you had outside, because it genuinely starts to feel as a different world, where different societal rules are in place, and when you literally do no engage with the outside world for years... you forget how it used to be. You forget who you used to be.

Being there rewards you.

The more time passes, the more power you acquire. Now you can even invent new rules, as you like. It goes to your head fast.

There's so much more i can expand on, 1) shared pain 2) what happens after you graduate 3) what roles do the adults have in all of this 4) relationships (yes, same as the ravens, we were also not allowed to have romantic relationships; there were consequences ecc) 5) REHEARSALS AND GROUP MOVEMENT 6) public outings and perception.... and i could go on and on.

Let me know if you want me to expand on anything in particular

[the-100-days-of-junkan]

Day 84 

Oh what a wonderful day! Why? BECAUSE I FINALLY GET TO SAY THE LAST OF MY STUPID ARBITRARY RULES! The Final Arbitrary Rule is: No Crossing Over with Other Franchises! Which I very clearly fuckin’ broke here!

I wanted to do my best to only make pieces working with just the base of Junkan itself, and AU’s I made had to be original and not just “What if Junkan but it’s in X series.” That way when I finished the project a bunch of new doors would open up for me to have fun with! I know last time we had Alice in Wonderland, but given the public domain nature of that story I don’t find it to be an infraction of the rule. There’s a future day coming up that also kiiiind of breaks it? But also i feel like it’s a slightly different case, not sure how to explain it while you can’t see it. None of that matters because today we have a blunt, no fucking around breaking of that rule, and why?

Listen I’ve seen some of ya’ll draw/write Junko and Mikan as Pokemon Trainers while waiting for this day to get posted, surely you understand. I’ve been wanting to draw a pic of these two with full teams for months at this point in the projects making, I couldn’t wait any longer, it was a moment of weakness!!!

Designing the outfits for these two was super fun. Once again I’ve fucking put Mikan in a Sweater, and this time it doubles as a dress! Will I ever be stopped? 

That does generally bring me to the thoughts I’m having in hindsight months after this pic, I think Junko’s side is on the weaker side. I like her fit though I might make small edits to it whenever the next time I draw her is. But the main thing is I think the team I put together is kind of lacking??

Mikan’s? I’m perfectly happy with, Frillish is just there because she vibes aesthetically with Mikan, Blissey is obvious, Lampent because it’s associated with hospitals due to floatin around them to steal life energy, Clefable I can explain in a second but it’s probably obvious, Spinda because she needs a cute buddy to be clumsy with, but my favorite was giving her an Applin.

Like the whole thing with Applin is that giving one to someone as a gift is a declaration of Love. So of course Junko would do that, she’s all about that shit (in my brain at least). I think it’s cute!

Junko’s half of things though, if I’m gonna be real a few months later I’d probably only keep two of them and just try to remake the rest of the team. Gengar (who is also the reason Mikan has a Clefable, I love that old fan theory), because he’s my favorite pokemon and I think he just vibes really well with Junko. And Hydreigon, because Junko deserves a giant nightmare dragon. 

This is another instance of me concocting something for this project and then not being able to draw any more of it because I have to wait for it to be posted. So now, assuming I have time, I can finally draw the Pokemon AU!~ Like I said i’ll probably do some minor reworks, and then some major reworks on Junko’s end. No idea when it’ll be but look forward to it I suppose!~ 

As always, Reblogs, Comments, and Little Notes in the Tags are appreciated!~ They always make my day!~

[velvetvexations]

It's frustrating when any radical feminism is called out in trans circles, the whole thing is "well since I'm trans I can't be a TERF"!!! Like, transmisogyny is not the only thing TERFS and radical feminists preach?? Like if you're anti sex work, anti kink, anti bodily autonomy for any kind of transition or sex, think men (whoever the individual bigot defines as such) are genetically predisposed to evil, think women (whoever the individual bigot defines as such) are predisposed to good, and anti-ace/aro people, like one or two differences in opinion will not preclude you from radical feminism. Idk, out of the "trans inclusionary" radical feminists, I feel as though you either fall hard into transmisogyny or transandrophobia.

But a lot of the people who believe in all the same things as the normal strain of radical feminism but support trans women just,, only seem to think that transmisogyny is what TERFs preach?

Also like lowkey I never understood the Shinigami eyes extension because TERF dogwhistles are kinda easy to spot and easy to check. Like, overly judgmental of a random woman? Overly judgmental of a random man? Seems to think x kink is evil? Implying porn is disgusting and evil (without any actual criticisms of the industry, just talking about it inherently)? Weird about ace/aro people and their attraction or lack thereof? Wow! Probably a terf.

I think there is some issue with "OP is a TERF" that made shinigami eyes appealing for a lot of people. I once saw someone make a really good point about how a theater production that sexualizes nuns is not progressive for sexualizing women who don't want to be sexualized, but whoops, OP was a TERF. Often moral rationality is not an issue of logical reasoning as it is motivation. For instance, I also saw a tankie shitheel give a pretty good rundown of Chiquita's bullshit in Central and Southern America. In both cases, Bad Group A was opposed to Bad Group B, whether that be imperialism or the patriarchy, so they can call out legitimate issues when they want to before going right back to complete bullshit and supporting their own evil shit.

But absolutely no one actually knows what TERFs are anymore because they do think it's literally all just hating trans women and are incapable of connecting the dots between TERFs and second-wave feminism, and realizing that they have a whole suite of beliefs that goes beyond that. It's partly obscured nowadays for exactly the reason that they'll often be aimed at cis men, which TRFs simply don't count as evidence of them hating men because of course you should be against like, Cis Male Celebrity Getting #MeToo'd, as though the issue with TERFs isn't that they see that and trans people as being products of the same patriarchal system because their view of the entire world is warped.

Especially funny is the claim that you can't call TRFs TRFs because they don't self-identify as TRFs. I mean, even putting aside Talia Bhatt's book, we have a very famous meme of Sonic the Hedgehog telling TERFs to fuck off for using that exact same "that's just a slur to silence me" argument. Like, no! You may not recognize what you're saying is nearly identical to everything TERFs say just because you add "trans" behind "women," but that's a you problem!

[ashela-ley]

Can we talk about Cartman's tendency to pet Kyle? And the way Kyle lets him do it?

It's such an under-discussed part of their dynamic. Cartman does this all the time. He does it to tease Kyle. He does it to comfort him. He does it to express gratitude. He even does it to pictures of Kyle when Kyle's not there.

And you could say that's just Cartman, he's just touchy, that's just how he expresses himself . . . except that it's really not. All this petting and stroking isn't something you see him do with Stan and Kenny. (Friends he has said multiple times he loves.) It's not something he does with his actual pet, Mr Kitty. It's not something he does with his mom. It's not even something he does with Heidi or Yentl. There's a lot of hand-holding and kissing in those relationships, but Cartman appears to consider this expected romantic partner behavior, and to be imitating that accordingly. What you don't see with them is the clingy, almost unconscious need to touch he demonstrates with Kyle. Kyle has to be stroked, patted, petted, hugged, poked, pulled on . . . it seems to be a comfort thing for Cartman, and that is just so fascinating to me.

It's also endlessly fascinating to me that Kyle - who has no problem putting Cartman in his place about anything else - allows this nearly every time. Maybe there's some token complaining, but he never actually tries to stop it. It's not "ew, Cartman is hugging me" it's always "why is Cartman hugging me?" and that's a subtle difference I think gets overlooked. People like to claim Kyle's response to Cartman having a crush on him would be disgust, and that Kyman could only ever be one-sided for this reason. But Kyle's response to Cartman being affectionate with him is actually pretty much always confusion, not disgust. I get the impression Kyle doesn't know how he feels about it.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, but it's just so interesting to me, the relationship they both have to touch. Cartman uses Kyle to fulfil his need for touch and connection - and Kyle doesn't often reciprocate this touch, but he pretty consistently makes the concession of allowing it. They're feeling each other out, trying to work out "who are you to me and what do I feel for you?" It's one of the elements of Kyman that makes the ship so endearing, I think. There's this sweetness to it that absolutely should not exist between these characters, but does anyway.

Definitely! You’re right, Cartman does seem to seek out physical contact with Kyle considerably more than with anyone else he isn’t directly romantically involved with and my favourite instances of this is when he does so under the guise of antagonizing him. Two examples of this are the whole ‘Jennifer Lopez’-thing in “Fat Butt and Pancake Head” and Cartman promoting Kyle to the Germans in “Funnybot”. In both cases he uses an instance of disrespecting Kyle as a front to compliment him, with the ‘Jennifer Lopez’-persona constantly being gushing over him, telling him how much she likes him, calling him ‘handsome’ and of course ‘kissing’ him by Cartman pressing his hand against Kyle’s mouth. This is especially interesting considering the fact that later in the episode it is very heavily implied (and then pretty much outright confirmed in “200”) that Cartman really doesn’t have full control over the character. In “Funnybot” Cartman calls Kyle either ‘gentle/soft’ or ‘juicy’ (lol), ‘pretty��, and ‘very beautiful’ in extremely mangled German (which I guess is just regular German in-universe since the native speakers talk just like that) and while the context of the scene is obviously very dark for the viewer, who can infer what’s going on, Kyle doesn’t actually seem to realise what is happening. He doesn’t appear to understand what is being said at all and as such Cartman doesn’t even really have the excuse that he’s teasing him.

This scene fits the reaction you described that Kyle tends to have when Cartman engages him in physical contact very well: Kyle reacts to Cartman excessively touching him with confusion but simply lets it happen. He has every reason to be wary of Cartman’s intentions and yet he makes no effort to stop him from what he’s doing. In “ManBearPig” Kyle wakes up to find Cartman leaning over him and while he doesn’t actually touch him, he does get extremely close to him, giving us the famous image of their faces mere inches apart. Kyle’s reaction to this is incredibly understated: He appears at most slightly irritated and attempts neither to push Cartman off nor to move away from him. Once again, he mostly just seems confused by Cartman’s behaviour but, as far as we can see, makes no further attempts to investigate the reasons behind it. This understated reaction is an indication of an (imo) often overlooked aspect of their relationship, which is that while Kyle is well aware of what Cartman is theoretically capable of, he doesn’t actually seem worried that he’d ever seriously harm him. Personally, if I found myself trapped in a cave with a person who constantly professes his hatred for me and whom I know has no qualms about killing people, and then woke up to find said person looming over me in my sleep I’d be much more worried than Kyle appears to be. In fact, considering everything that has happened over the course of their relationship and how many despicable things Cartman has done, Kyle seems Weirdly Comfortable And Safe With His Evil, Ill-Intentioned Friend. Because that’s what they are: They’re friends. To call it a complicated friendship might be an understatement but when it comes down to it the simple fact of the matter is that these two do like each other. While in earlier seasons a point could be made that they only spend time together out of necessity (with the main four being somewhat isolated from the other kids, as Craig points out in “Pandemic 2”, and Cartman originally being an incidental part of the group as ‘the friend no one likes’), they’ve both long since expanded their social circles to a point where they are no longer ‘forced’ to spend time together for lack of better options. Kyle would be more than justified in cutting Cartman off completely and yet he doesn’t and I can honestly see no real reason for this other than the fact that he simply cares about him as a person.

So I agree that Kyle probably wouldn’t react with disgust to the hypothetical reveal that Cartman harbours romantic feelings towards him. I’m not claiming that he would necessarily be elated but I’m pretty sure ‘disgust’ would not be his first reaction and I think many people who think that it would be might at least partially hold that opinion due to projection: Because while we, as viewers, are frequently meant to find Cartman repulsive both physically and emotionally (his embodiment of the 'fat bastard' trope is a key part of his character, after all), Kyle doesn’t actually appear to overtly feel that way about him – which is to say he does kinda but not exclusively and it’s all just a bit more complicated than that. Kyle being thoroughly confused does seem like the most likely reaction to me. Regarding the physical aspect: Of course Kyle frequently makes derogatory remarks about Cartman’s appearance, specifically regarding his weight (to the point where it’s been a main focus of their dynamic for almost thirty years) but we see several times that his critique actually seems to stem from a place of worry and that he feels bad when he thinks that these comments have actually managed to hurt his feelings (e.g. “Raising the Bar”). Of course, what exactly Kyle’s feelings towards Cartman are is, with good reason, a source of much discussion and I’d claim that Kyle himself isn’t very sure of this. His sentiment towards Cartman definitely seems very erratic, with Kyle going from actively attempting to get him killed in “Fatbeard” to being concerned for his emotional well-being just a season later (“201”, “Poor and Stupid”). This concern Kyle has for a person he supposedly can’t stand has been a pretty consistent part of his character in later seasons and it’s especially striking when compared to the way he disregards his best friend’s feelings when he’s in genuine need of emotional support (“Raisins”, “You’re Getting Old”). This discrepancy is not only an indicator of the complicated relationship Kyle has with Cartman but imho also hints at at least one reason for it. In a (painfully long-winded😅) comment on AO3 I just touched on the similarities between Kyle and Cartman how interesting I find the very different ways in which they deal with their shared character traits. I believe this is something that draws them towards each other, though I’m certain that neither is actually consciously aware of this. You put it so beautifully in your last sentence: "There's this sweetness to it that absolutely should not exist between these characters, but does anyway." There really is an unexpectedly soft underbelly to their relationship that is a lot of fun to explore. While I wont deny the toxic aspects of this ship (in fact, they’re a major part of what I find interesting about it), there is also the surprising potential for a real emotional connection between these characters.

[demonslushh]

HMS design sketches!

My mind Design has changed a bit since last time, if you remember my last post. But I would like to say, I have lots of explainations as to why I designed these guys the way I did.

I'll explain below the cut! Consider this a mini-analysis, especially regarding soul. If you guys are interested more in my breakdowns of lyrics and like this analysis, let me know so I can post my takes more, haha. I have lots to say about this album, but having some feedback might help me feel motivated to actually post my analyses!

Alright, so here we are. I'd like to say that, first off, Heart and Mind's designs are pretty self-explanitory — And mostly based off of personal headcanon. Albeit, there are a couple little details I want to highlight.

First, the angel/fallen angel imagery. I talked about this in a past post when I posted my previous mind design, and I really wanted to keep it. Something I noticed in fandom designs is that Heart would have a lot of Angelic traits and Mind didn't, which is totally fair, but I liked the idea of playing with the concept of a fallen angel/"dark" angel theming with him since they're represented as opposites in every other way.

I also do like the idea of Mind being a fallen angel based on a few themes through his story — Particularly in Be Born when he states that he once was in control. The prospect of him being pushed out of power at some point feeds well into this theming.

The other aspect I'd like to highlight is regarding Heart's "Face" and Mind's Chest.

Heart does not have a head in my design, and Mind's chest is completely hollow. I thought that it would be interesting to remove the other's main attribute from each of their designs — So heart does not have a head and, therefore no sort of physical brain, and Mind has no heart in his chest. Again, this was moreso just a headcanon choice, I think it plays into their stark divide during cocophany more. It was fun.

Now, for my favorite aspect: Soul.

My choices for his design do require a bit of explaination based on my analysis of lyrics throughout songs, so I will do just that.

I believe that soul is not a unique entity. Soul is not a third part of the whole — Rather, he is a "hallowed" out version of Whole, and only really exists when Heart and Mind are split, because they split out of him, not just from eachother.

Here's why I think this:

The way that Soul is discussed as opposed to the other three is different in many instances, which is why I've vnever really seen him as a unique Third part, but just a husk of whole.

In the first instance, Mind is saying that he and heart split into "two parts". (of course this could just be the matter of how early on Be Born was written, but ... Shhh.) To me, this says that Soul never "split" into a part — So then, what did happen? This line makes a lot more since when you consider the idea of Mind and Heart splitting off and leaving Soul as a product, rather than a third full party.

Second and Third refer to how Soul describes himself/Is described by others. The second example, from Storm and a Spring, I think is the most compelling evidence that made me really commit to this idea of Soul — "And Oath formed from us both that it would stay whole." This essentially directly states that Soul would be Whole, if not for Mind and Heart's split. And the third example says that Heart and Mind reside within him, which is just another supporting example to the other two points.

So for that reason, My Soul design is essentially "hollowed" — The open void in his chest has no heart or anything resembling it inside, and his mask is half cracked open to show Mind's vacancy as well. He still maintains a few traits from each of them, like one broken wing and one whole wing, having each of their halos, and two sets of arms — one organic and one robotic.

And yeah, that's sort of it. Hope you guys like them :D!

(I may render these later, too. Depends on where motivation takes me, haha.)

[sleepynoons]

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU BY MARIAH CAREY– neuvillette (genshin) x afab!f!reader, nsfw / 18+

genre – fluff, smut word count – ~3,100 warnings – age gap, lingerie, oral (receiving), fingering synopsis – it's your first winter with neuvillette, and where you grew up, it's customary to celebrate by exchanging presents, eating delicious food, and spending quality time with loved ones. even though neuvillette is overwhelmed with work at the moment, you're excited to surprise him.

Neuvillette is known for his lack of personal greed, with the exception of his indisputable particular taste for certain flavors of water. Because of his asceticism, intentional or not, it had been difficult for the two of you to enter the relationship you now are in, but with the incredible aid and full support of the Melusines, the Chief Justice finally distinguished your feelings of likeness separate from others of friendliness and sociability.

To his end, though, you are known for your intensity, speech sharp with judgment, gaze watchful and vigilant, pen always in hand, scribbling away at a new manuscript or op-ed for The Steambird. Originating from Sumeru, you had been well aware of the turmoil brewing within the Akademiya, and managed to flee, even with such knowledge, to Fontaine. Here, you have been able to continue your studies from where you left off, as well as pursue your own endeavors in writing, which had long been restricted when you were a student. In fact, it was precisely due to one of your well-received yet controversial pieces in the newspaper that had landed you an opportunity to interview Neuvillette and ask him questions on questions regarding his thoughts on governance, the limitations of rule and government, and checks and balances.

You intended it to be a one-off instance, fully knowing that the Chief Justice is incredibly busy. However, you had a bad habit of losing track of time, and he is more than happy to speak in length, and your first conversation did not end on a fulfilling thought. As a result, for several months on end, you would spend two hours every three weeks with Neuvillette, which, by then, it was more than obvious you had developed intimate feelings for him.

Of course, even though you two are now a couple, the dynamics of your schedule have not differed by much. Neuvillette still has a limited amount of time to see you, though it is permissible for you to make more spontaneous visits to his office, if you are so inclined. But being the studious writer that you are, you still have not acted upon this privilege yet.

“You really should take up more of his time!”

You squint your eyes over the rim of the teacup that you are sipping from, taking several moments to think of a proper response. A part of you is still ruminating over the last draft of your manuscript, something you have been losing sleep over to make it in time for the deadline for The Streambird’s short story contest at the end of the month, but you know you should be more focused on the conversation at hand. After all, while Miss Furina is beloved by the people and is commonly seen out and about, it is still rare for her to request a private audience with someone as little of importance socially, politically, economically as you are.

“Miss Furina, I’m not sure I follow?” is the best you can manage. You take another sip as the celebrity huffs in disappointment.

“How trite! It has been so long since my last visit to the Palais Mermonia, yet even I’ve been made aware of Neuvillette’s situation! Please tell me you at least know of that!”

You open your mouth to release a hum of agreement. “Yes,” you say, “though I am not sure what his condition has to do with his schedule? Wouldn’t it be more advisable for him to go rest, instead of having me bother him?”

“You are incredibly dull, my friend.” 

You nod slowly, noting in your head that she is sassier than she lets on, easily overpowered by her stage presence and bright smile. Regardless, you are still not sure if you ae thinking on the same lines as she is.

Miss Furina gives you a few more seconds to think on your own, but seeing the lack of any recognition or realization on your face, she sighs before flinging three sugar cubes into her tea with exasperated movements. She then grumbles, “Neuvillette does not rest until the Melusines kowtow and beg. Could you not at least help save them some face and demand of him to rest a day or two?”

You watch as the sugar begins to dissolve into the tea. When instructed as such, there really is no harm in doing so. You nod again, and Furina yelps with delight, clapping her hands in a circle.

“I try my best to not get involved in his affairs anymore, but perhaps this is just my way of slowly repaying his efforts. Anyway, I need to carry on with the rest of my day. Good luck, friend, and cheers to your union!”

You realize you did not ask the more glaring questions of this conversation. You are not sure how Miss Furina knows of your relationship with the Chief Justice in the first place, or why you are the one settling the bill for lunch. You shrug as you wipe at your mouth with a tissue, thinking of ways to convince your partner on stepping away from his impending cases for at least a few hours.

The solution comes quite easily, frankly speaking. In part of your intense and serious attitude, you are also associated as being very independent, so when you send a note to Neuvillette requesting his assistance later in the evening, he replies immediately in complete compliance. That way, you did not have to risk interrupting him in the midst of his work, while still satisfying Miss Furina’s plea.

In reality, though, you only got lucky because you had happened to remember today’s date. You do not quite recall how you thought of it – it could have been a street sign or a poster that you spotted from your periphery –, but the whole point is that this day used to be very important to you as you grew up. Though you are not upset or even the slightest bit nostalgic, you think it is the perfect excuse to save your partner from undue stress and cacophony.

Thus, you make your way to several shops before returning home with two small boxes and a bag in your hands. There are a few more hours before Neuvillette is to arrive, so you shuffle all of the scattered loose leaf paper into haphazard stacks and stuff your ballpoint pens into your drawers to make room on your desk to wrap the presents you bought.

–

When your partner comes, it is already dark, overcast with dense clouds that pour incessantly. He knocks at your door just as you are stoking the flames in your fireplace, and you pace over to let him in.

You open the door to a very concerned Chief Justice.

“Are you alright?” are his first words.

You cannot help but feel guilty at deceiving your partner.

You place a hand on his arm, which he returns with the same gesture, and you rub soothing circles into the fabric of his coat. “Yes, I managed to figure it out.”

“Are you sure you don’t need me to revise your draft? I am more than willing to, might you think my input may be necessary.”

With gentle tugs, you lead him to your rounded dining table for two, where there are already steaming mugs of tea settling on their matching saucers, and the two of you take your usual seats across from each other.

You feel no need to keep up your lie. “My sincere apologies, Neuvillette, but there’s actually no manuscript you need to help with. The Melusines had specifically asked of me to find a way to extract you from your work, lest you become glued to your chair.” You leave out any mentions of Miss Furina out of respect for her privacy.

“Ah, I see.”

You observe his face, careful for even the faintest of shifts or twitches to anticipate his reactions. But Neuvillette’s impartiality should never be underestimated, and his expression does not change at all.

“Are you upset?” you ask.

He glances at you, having previously been staring into his cup. “Uh, no, I… I suppose I have been dealing with a torrent of work. I apologize for having concerned all of you.”

You set your hands out, and Neuvillette holds them in his palms. You admire the feel of his gloves against your bare skin and watch as he thumbs over your calloused fingers.

You finally manage to hum, “No worries. Though, I have a few things I want to give you, so your visit’s not entirely a waste.”

His grip tightens. “It is never a waste. Forgive me, for neglecting us.”

You chuckle before slipping your hands out of his hold, and patter over to the wrapped presents that sit on the floor to the side of the fireplace.

“Here,” you say, as you set the gifts in front of him.

“What occasion are these for?” he asks, eyes glimmering with fascination. You have always loved Neuvillette’s eyes. While his face may be as set as stone, at times, you can tell fragments of his thoughts by the color and brightness in his eyes.

You have not told him much about your upbringing, and you do not feel inclined to dwell on it tonight either. So, in the briefest way possible, you explain, “When I was growing up, every year on this day, the community I was a part of would exchange gifts. There was also a large feast, with plenty to eat and drink.” You give a light shrug before finishing, “I just thought it would be nice to share a bit of my past with you.”

“I understand,” he replies, eyes and tone soft and gentle. “I’m afraid your presents will have to wait for next year.”

You know time means nothing to him, but his words still melt the rough, unromantic edges within you. You smile to yourself as you watch him unwrap the pen and bejeweled brooch you had bought him. Finally, when he moves onto the bag, you laugh as you see him tear away his gaze before shakily handing you the box from inside.

“This, um, seems to be yours.”

You release an intrigued noise before nudging the box back toward him. “It is still a present for you.”

“How so?” Neuvillette’s cheeks and ears are tinged with a warm red, and you are sure it is not solely because of the fire.

You get up from your chair, round over to his side, and stand beside him. “I forgot to mention,” you tease, “but this day’s particularly special for couples. They celebrate together, spend time together, and… need I say more?”

You and Neuvillette have slept together before, though the number does not exceed single digits despite the two of you having been together for a little less than a year. Such occurrences are usually a result of your or his feverish desires exceeding a certain boiling point, and you suppose this time, you are the insatiable one.

“Look inside,” you instruct with a flick of your chin. “Do you like it?”

Folded neatly inside the box is a red satin tank top and sleep shorts. The color shines brilliantly under the flickering of the flames, and you appreciate the contrast of it against the purple and indigo of Neuvillette’s eyes.

“Yes, o-of course. I’m sure it suits you well,” he mumbles, blush flushing deeper and deeper with every passing second.

You pat his shoulder. “Perfect. I’ll change in the bathroom, so wait for me on the bed.”

If it was really up to you, you would not even change in a separate room. But, for the sake of your easily flustered partner, you show him some mercy and grant him no more than two minutes of reprieve. As Neuvillette said, the set does fit you, in ways other than just size, and you are glad you decided to go the extra length to splurge on lingerie, as it is also a treat for yourself.

When you enter your bedroom, barely concealing the skip in your step, you see Neuvillette seated on the corner of your bed, unmoving. You doubt he has barely even breathed since you left him alone.

“Neuvillette?”

His head shoots up at your call of his name, but he fails to respond. His eyes, which were staring holes into the ground a mere second ago, are now drinking in the sight of you in your new clothes. They linger at the exposure of your neck and collarbones, the outline of your breasts, the flare of the top around your waist, and the contrast of the shorts’ red sheen against the suppleness of your thighs. You find yourself almost feeling shy at his undivided attention, and you rock on your feet, waiting for him to make a move.

Neuvillette only breaks out of his reverie once he has looked over your entirety. “You look mesmerizing,” he praises. He makes it sound like a truth, a new law he has amended into Fontaine’s books, something everyone should know and accept by now. It is your turn to shudder and lose your composure at his words, so you do not even try to respond, and instead, walk over to stand in front of him.

However, he quickly switches your positions, gliding you over to sit and him kneeling between your knees. He presses fleeting kisses on the inners of your knees, before slowly traversing up the length of your right thigh, nuzzling and pressing and licking. You squirm as he sucks on your skin, and gasp at every mark he leaves.

It is unbelievable, you think. Back in Sumeru, you were constantly teased, others mocking and prophesying that you will forever spend this special day alone. Yet, you are grown now, and being lavished and indulged by another, by your lover.

You try your best not to muss Neuvillette’s hair, so you clutch onto his shoulders. Digging your fingernails into the white silk of his shirt, you barely contain your whimpers as your partner begins to approach the heat emanating between your legs. You jump once you feel him press the pad of a finger against your hole, and cannot help but moan as he kisses your clit, the satin of the shorts doing nothing to dull the sensations.

Though Neuvillette’s actions are restrained, limited to only kitten licks and playful flicks with his fingertip, your pleasure compounds at an exceptional rate. By the time he lifts you up to slide your shorts off, you have already stained much of the fabric and are continuing to leak, wetness dripping down your inner thighs and the bottom of your ass.

“Absolutely decadent,” he mumbles, gazing with much adoration and intensity at the way your legs shake and your clit trembles.

Before you can say anything, he takes your breath away as his lips close around your sensitive bud. He taps and laves his tongue against the hood, pressure just enough to choke you from pleasurable stimulation. His hands are wrapped tightly around your thighs, to hold them in place, as well as bite his nails into your skin, although you have no idea when he took his gloves off.

“Neuvillette,” you breathe out. He hums around your clit with a more forceful suck, and you reel over, hunching over his head, hands sliding down his back and crumping his shirt within your grasp. Your partner understands your reaction as a subconscious plea to move on, and so, he licks his way down to your hole. He can feel it open and close around nothing, and it is only then that he is made aware of how painfully hard he is.

You grit out, “More – please.”

He knows he cannot further deny you. He laps at your entrance, entranced by your taste, before finally pushing his tongue in.

You are warm, sweet, incredibly tight. He pulls back, draws a large breath, and dives back in, pushing himself as far in as he can. Since the very beginning, you have been very sensitive, always reacting to even the lightest and briefest of touches, so Neuvillette knows your body must be overwhelmed by everything he is doing to you. He knows this is the case when he leans back on his heels for a quick rest, and sees your face, sweat tracing your hairline and eyes glazed over. For some reason, Neuvillette finds himself growing even larger, even harder, at the sight, and he distracts himself by returning to his place between your legs.

This time, he goes faster, accompanying his tonguing with circles of his finger around your clit. He can also hear you muffling your noises with the back of your hand.

“Please, let me hear you,” he says, between movements of his mouth and hand. “I need to know that you are feeling good.”

You are so used to practicing restraint and discipline, so you hesitate at first. But when Neuvillette presses your clit in that exact way you like and tongues you so deeply, you moan out loud, giving in regardless of your own wishes. And because he is incredible, precise, with analyzing your needs, he keeps doing it, giving you what you crave and desire over and over and over again, until you are brought over the edge.

Neuvillette groans as your hole flutters around his tongue, more of your taste filling his mouth, and he drinks in whatever he can. At this point, you are holding his head against your body, almost bucking your hips to close whatever distance is left, so that you can extend your high.

By the time the two of you peel apart from each other, you are about to unzip his pants before you notice a stain. You look at Neuvillette’s face, only to find him with a flushed, euphoric expression, and you feel surprise and delight wash over you.

“We will continue tomorrow morning, if that is alright with you,” he says, a little out of breath. You, too, are still heaving, so you nod in agreement.

Back at home, this day was spent with several people under a clear night. You would all be gossiping, dancing, discussing, and by the end of it, you would exchange gifts, though for most of it, you were left to your own devices, reading storybooks in whatever dimly lit corner you could find. This time around, though it is raining outside and there is no one else besides you and Neuvillette, you think this is the best celebration you could ever have. You would not wish for anything else, as long as you have him.

winter event masterlist

[ventismacchiato]

OH HE’D BE HESITANT AND DK HOW TO INITIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT? my hcs were totally off then, in my head i assumed he wouldnt have trouble w it AT all, ofc it would be different in public like maybe he’d just casually lean on u or smth, but i can imagine if its private he’d always be touching yn in one way or another js like innocently im not talking abt horny rn HAHAHA

but like he’d grab ur legs and rest it across his lap, or if yns busy he’d aggressively lay his head on their lap and yns all like ???? but eventually they’ll get used to it and think nothing of it LMAO and maybe he’d like play w ur hair sometimes or smth

these stem from the fact he seems to grab at every opportunity to touch yn already 😭 like he’d grab them to pull them up and this happened in MULTIPLE instances, the photoshoot, the dock, etc etc and that moment in the tub where he pulled them into his lap (ik he said it was bc yn was slow tho)

also add on!! i feel like hes js HUGE on physical touch as a love language plus acts of service and quality time

NO DW UR NOT TOTALLY OFF i’m just basing it off wanderer like i’m assuming in the beginning of their actual relationship he might be a little awkward with things like cuddling or asking for a hug? like if yn rests their head on his shoulder or lays their legs on him or jumps on his back he pays no mind to it but the other way around he wouldn’t know how to initiate it. yn wud probably learn to read his body language and be like oh he wants to hug rn that’s why he’s just standing there staring at me…

but yes he is a little touchy rn LMAO but he’s sort of not conscious that he’s doing it, also the photo shoot and tub he blamed it on being for show so he’s just a little stoopid

but later on once they both accept their feelings for eo he’d probably get more into it! like touching ur waist when he walks by, or rubbing your shoulder, or tugging you closer i feel like he wud need to warm up to it and i def feel like physical touch and words of affirmation plus quality time are his love languages cus otherwise he’ll be like wow does bae hate me again 💔

[oimoitalaina]

What If? Season 3 episode 1 rant

After waiting all this time to see Sam, one of the central characters to the MCU, get any screen time in What If? I can’t help but be disappointed by what we got. The version of Sam we see in this episode is just so flat compared to who he is in any other MCU project. Despite supposedly being the main character of this episode, I feel like by the end the audience has gained no further insight into who he is as a person.

Sam’s whole story in this episode is about his supposed friendship with Bruce. He says that he’d be more helpful to Bruce as a friend than as a therapist. But he spends the whole episode continuing to act as a therapist, because they are in a one-sided relationship. Bruce gets to vent his feelings as much as he wants to Sam, but we never in the entire episode see Sam get an opportunity to express his own thoughts and feelings to Bruce in return. That’s why everyone in the episode needs to keep *saying* that the two are friends, because nothing about the story is actually depicting it as an equal relationship. 

I think the best examples I can give are the two instances where the episode is trying to reference the friendships Sam has in the main timeline. We start with Sam and Bruce meeting on a jog in the same spot where Sam met Steve, and their initial conversation exists as a variant of that first conversation. But here we can already see the weakness of the comparison. In CA:TWS, Sam first makes an actual connection to Steve by correctly guessing that Steve is still uncomfortable sleeping in a regular bed. Sam is able to make this guess because he has lived through the same things as Steve, albeit in a different century. This conversation leads to Steve asking more about Sam, asking if he lost anyone during his time in the air force. Sam opens up about losing Riley, whose death serves as another point of connection between Sam and Steve.

Compare this to the What If? version between Sam and Bruce. Bruce gets to talk about how he’s using cardio to try and control the Hulk, how this problem makes him feel like a monster. Sam doesn’t have any opportunity to relate to this, there’s really nothing in Sam’s story that makes him feel like a monster, so there’s no actual point of connection between the two. In addition, Bruce doesn’t ask anything about Sam. This transitions to a scene where Sam is acting as his counselor, because that’s the relationship they have. In this one scene where the show is attempting to show them as friends it does just the opposite.

The next scene attempting to depict Sam and Bruce’s friendship is on the Wilson family boat, the Paul and Darlene. Best girl Sarah is even there! This is clearly meant to parallel Sam and Bucky’s reconciliation in episode 5 of TFATWS. Bucky is actively helping Sam because he cares about his friend who he had not been treating very well for the last few days.  They’re on the boat after a day of Bucky helping Sam fix it up. Not only that, but Bucky came to Sam’s home town in the first place to bring a suit that he requested from the Wakandans on Sam’s behalf. In the case of Sam and Bucky, this moment of the boat solidifies their friendship after Bucky gets his act together enough to support Sam.

In the version we see in this episode of What If?, none of that context exists. We don’t see Bruce being of service to Sam in any way. They didn’t have a falling out that Bruce was just working to repair. Now obviously it's fine that the narrative isn’t exactly the same, but the point that I’m trying to make is that this scene also doesn’t depict Sam as his own person with his own emotional needs that need support.

Sam’s whole motivation for the events of this episode are about Bruce. How he feels as if he failed his friend. This isn’t a terrible motivation but it is severely lacking in comparison to what we’re used to seeing with Sam. What does Sam’s friendship with Bruce say about Sam? Other than he’s just a nice guy, I guess? Sam befriends Steve for a reason, because he recognises their similar trauma. Sam and Bucky have conflict in their friendship because of Sam’s uniquely difficult position accepting the role of Captain America as a Black man. Sam and Bruce have conflict because Sam is … nice and Bruce is … the Hulk. 

I guess overall what I’m trying to say is that Sam’s character is flattened so much in this episode, and I hate that this is what people think he’s about. Because Sam isn’t in the MCU just to be some white guy’s therapist, he’s his own person with his own darling personality that I was hoping to finally get to see in this episode. I guess I should just be grateful he wasn’t killed off this time at least.

[swallowerofdharma]

An example of novel that follows the literary realism tradition but is sometimes approached under romantic lens, and therefore distorted into something else entirely - maybe because of the (bad) movies adaptations? because of the marketing and the covers? I don’t know but I will link this no longer rebloggable post for you to check - is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.

I read Lolita when I was seventeen, felt deeply discomforted but I liked the book, understood what it was doing with its narrator, but I have to add, before reading Lolita, I had already read Flaubert (Sentimental Education, didn’t finish Madame Bovary) and Émile Zola to name a few. I think that growing up I have read more books in this genre than others? I don’t know considering that back then I had to read a lot classics for school.

But long story short, I think something similar maybe it’s occurring with Saezuru. To be clear, I am not saying that you have to read it in a certain way, please I don’t really want to even imply that. Read it for yourself and your pleasure first. What I am saying is that, like Lolita, to me Saezuru makes total sense if we assume that it is written with a realistic intention and therefore not exactly bound by the rules of romantic novels that tend to present more positive and idealized views. After all manga are divided into demographics more than their genre, so authors draw very different stories. I still want these characters to find happiness! But I also want to be able to buy the eventual resolution and therefore I appreciate that the development of the story feels organic.

Anyway just a thought. Nakobov himself wrote (in Strong Opinions):

Reality is a very subjective affair. I can only define it as a kind of gradual accumulation of information; and as specialization. If we take a lily, for instance, or any other kind of natural object, a lily is more real to a naturalist than it is to an ordinary person. But it is still more real to a botanist. And yet another stage of reality is reached with that botanist who is a specialist in lilies. You can get nearer and nearer, so to speak, to reality; but you never get near enough because reality is an infinite succession of steps, levels of perception, false bottoms, and hence unquenchable, unattainable. You can know more and more about one thing but you can never know everything about one thing: it’s hopeless. So that we live surrounded by more or less ghostly objects— that machine, there, for instance. It’s a complete ghost to me— I don’t understand a thing about it and, well, it’s a mystery to me, as much of a mystery as it would be to Lord Byron.

As for marketing, if you check the link and think about Saezuru: the covers and merchandise vs the content of the chapters, vs the story as it’s told, the parallel with Lolita makes sense to me. The cover only has one imperative: to sell. But once you are alone with the story, you see that stylistic choices, tone, everything suggest that you read it in a critical way.

The way Yoneda Kou draws is also quite sober, discarding decorative details and paying attention more to frame and pov. The way she presents what happens is objective and detached, neutral I’d say, making us impartial observers most of the time, letting the actions speak without commentary being made. The dialogue is hard for our translators because it recreates the speech patterns of the various characters faithfully. And these characters are common yakuza that live harsh realities, the gritty social aspect of it is visible and part of the story, as well as social injustices and personal trauma, and keen and realistic attention to human behavior.

I guess all this clued me in to reading the story the way I do, and probably also why I chose it in the first place. Realism is the genre of fiction I am more read in, although I am expanding my horizons more and more.