#they just kinda make me feel strange
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ship opinions . i dont really have any platonic ships ???? . so um i put vase and star jar there instead ! erhgh :p
#I FUCKING LOVE CELLCLOTH#<- literally delusional#so erhfjkk . hm#i was debating whetjer to put 4x or mephoj on the ship i dont like#but i dislike 4x more s#i dont like 4x vr much . idek i just dont#coinpin on TOP !#nicklover is pretty nice in my eyes ^_^#i like their dynamic its fun#what are fanny and fan called#fan^2#??#not that into floorphone but i get why ppl ship them#i dont understand ships like losercake or bracecube#is that what theyre called? bracecube ???#they just kinda make me feel strange#honorable mention timenylon .... i oove you#idk what else to say here#im not tagging this w anything bc i am a coward (and proud)
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something about the main menu for life is strange genuinely makes me wanna collapse and sob
#like not just the music but the overall visuals yknow#it's like this gut wrenching#almost nostalgic ????#feeling that hits like a truck#especially after playing the full game#seeing how peaceful things could be is almost like#i dunno gives me that feeling of dread when you've done something you can't undo#seeing how good things could be but knowing you don't get to go back#sorta thing#it's just#something about beautiful pictures having gut wrenching back stories#does something bad to my brain#naturally#i dunno i'm half asleep and rambling#but yknow what i mean#i'm trying to put it into words as best i can#it's like#it really is just like what growing up feels like ig#especially when it doesn't turn out how you want#wanting to go back and warn yourself so you can hopefully make things easier and more ideal but obviously you can't#that's kinda what the menu feels like#music and all#especially those goddamn birds chirping#ok goodnight#life is strange#chloe price#max caulfield#lis chloe#lis max#pricefield
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I sometimes think about and ponder on how Bruce is such an overprotective yet mostly well meaning parent towards Dick. Yet Bruce is also the type of parent who fails to realise that their kid has grown up and can look after themselves and doesn’t need them for protection and guidance anymore.
Dick and Bruce are both control freaks but for different reasons. Bruce is a control freak because he thinks that as long as he is in control of the situation that means he can protect the ones he loves from harm or losing them altogether. Because when his parents died he had no control over that. He felt powerless that he couldn’t do nothing to prevent it. Even though he was just a helpless little 8-9 year old boy who could do nothing but stand there watching helplessly as it played out before his very eyes.
While Dick is a control freak for the opposite reasons to Bruce. He needs to stay in control of himself and not let others tell him what to do and values his freedom his independence if that makes sense. All his life even with his own parents he was excepted to do as he was told, like how most children do. He wasn’t listened to in his own mind he felt responsible for his own parents death depending on the version it was because he didn’t tell them about stranger threatening Mr Haly or in some tellings he wasn’t listen to by his parents. He had no one to turn to really and much like Bruce he was just a powerless little boy. Who nobody truly heard, Dick Grayson to the world was just a child and therefore had no voice.
The only person who truly heard Dick’s voice was Bruce Wayne who saw himself in the young boy and knew the only way to save this boy from becoming like him was to get him his justice and put Dick Grayson parents killer behind bars. He became like a second father towards the young lad, family, the dynamic duo crime fighters of Gotham. Which is why Dick was able to heal and move on mostly from the loss of his parents because unlike Bruce. He had someone to fill the void that was lost when his parents died. Bruce Wayne the Batman because like a father to him a second father, in a way he was Dick light shining hope in the darkest part of his life. It’s so important to Dick development as a character and without it he wouldn’t be the same person he is today and it’s also so important that Dick time as Robin was a pretty happy one as well.
Both Bruce and Dick saved each other just by becoming each other new family. Bruce didn’t need anything from Dick all he needs from him is to just exist to remind him why he does what he does.
So imagine the hurt Dick must feel as a young adult. That his second father who heard his voice and listen to him all those years ago. Is now not listening to his voice really anymore or respecting his decisions as a young adult a man in his own right. While it comes from a place of good intentions. Dick cannot help but feel he is still seen and viewed as just a little boy by him and the crushing feeling of never truly living up to his expectations and the shadow that the Bat casts onto him. When will he ever be good enough to finally be taken seriously by him as his own man. Dick coming of age story is about finding one self in the world and crafting out his own legacy and what being a superhero means to him and him alone.
While it wasn’t Bruce intention, he did in fact put pressure onto Dick even though he doesn’t want him grow up to be like him. He values him so highly and he is glad that he grew up to be a much better man than he will ever be. He loves his surrogate son so much but with that comes fear. Like any parent he cannot help but worry for Dick future and the decisions that he makes as an adult and he will state his opinion on what he thinks of said decisions Dick makes in his life. He didn’t approve of Dick dropping out of college which caused some tension between the two of them for a good bit.
I always found Batman #330 original released in September 11th 1980 really interesting because of how Lucius fox and his son Tim Jace fox comes into play in that story Bruce compares himself to Lucius while Tim to Dick and how he cannot understand why would in he in Bruce’s eyes be throwing away his future. So when Bruce is talking all this nonsense to Tim he wasn’t actually speaking to Tim rather it’s the things he wanted to say to Dick.
Dick probably understood at that point that this was never about Tim or the thugs rather it was about Bruce who took out his own frustrations with Dick by projecting them onto Tim and the thug members. The themes and parallels to a father that being Lucius and his son Tim to Bruce and Dick within that comic book story makes it so painfully clear to me. It was about a Father who was upset with his son life choices for his future and only wants what is best for him even if he isn’t going about it in the best way possible.
The biggest hurdle for Dick and Bruce relationship as surrogate father and son is miscommunication and how the other isn’t willing to listen to the other. Bruce is the parent who always think he knows what is best which is not always the case which leads to him fighting with Dick all the time because he is blinded by the idea that his adult son might know better then him and stubbornly refuses to budge on that for a stupidly long time.
#Batman#Late night random thoughts and rambles#Just to be clear I am kinda mostly pondering about Bronze Age and pre crisis Dick and Bruce.#But I am also pondering some modern comics as well such as Batman/Superman world finest comics and world finest teen titans short comic.#dick grayson#bruce wanye#I think about them a lot in my head rent free maybe it because I see a lot of myself in Dick in a way who knows.#Then again Bruce reminds me of both of my parents in some way and well them being overly smothering and overprotective at times.#In that way I definitely feel Dick Grayson pain in wanting to seen as grow ass man and not be seen as just a child in my own parents eyes.#meta#Batfam#The scariest part of growing up is letting go of the rose tinted glasses of your parents is to see them as just regular people with flaws.#I could make a joke about how for some strange reason Batman always has to be right in a situation and is never truly allowed to be wrong.#nightwing
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#earn sanitada#orm kornnaphat#tsou#the secret of us#the secret of us the series#oh the kicked puppy look#i actually really like this look#not only the disheveled look because [twirls hair]#(okay why is she so attractive here Idk why)#but I'm saying is I love that Earn having more mode than just the super energetic puppy mode#she's so bubbly chirpy oui oui all the time#I'd love to see more sides of her when she has to face reality that ugh perhaps things kinda sucks sometimes#and her being upset is a strange concept for HER#that makes her more human#I love the idea that she ruminates over her action#perhaps she feels bad for reacting that strongly toward Ratee and she's like 'that isnt like me'#or perhaps she's the kind who takes major hit when she found out that people hate her sometimes#Idk but the idea of Earn ruminating over these things is nice#she's defo a deeply deeply flawed character and I want to see her reflecting on herself
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��STRANGE LOVE!💖
“the lightening’s not frightening when u r w me, oh cuz love is not always what u think it’ll be!”
CROMA!!!! Croma art!!!! Cuz I forever and ever adore these two together….. they’re so good…! 🥺
#soul eater#maka albarn#crona gorgon#crona#croma#doodles#the song is strange love by Karen O#it’s a very good song… I first heard it on this rlly sweet mtmte video on bilibili…#and it gives me rlly sad happy mushy feelings whenever I hear it… it just makes my brain go EVERYWHERE GHG#but I love it!!!! I love that it does that ghgh#and yeah… I thought it was fitting for these 2…#anyway. I love crona!!!! and maka!!! and I love them kissing and holding hands and loving and supporting each other!!!!#I will never get enough of that shit!!!! these 2 are living in my brain till I die!!!#o also!!! tried drawing maka without a reference this time! usually I look one up for her#cuz I don’t have her every detail permanently stamped into my retinas like I do w crona ghgh-#but! I felt confident enough to go without a ref this time! which… is why her bangs are a lil screwed up gHG#I forgot exactly how they worked so I kinda just bullshitted them as best as I could. and! I actually think they didn’t turn out bad!#but. they probably would have looked better if I just looked up a reference lol
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ominous and threatening sketchy ... sniffle ...
★ some extra stuff under cut :
some concept drawingz i made for the little guyz of an unfinished fic of mine
and headshotz that i redrew digitally
#the bit where sketch iz quoting a bible verse iz based on the jacksfilms reactbot#like . i can't watch a clip of that thing saying that without thinking “damn . sketchbook core” for some strange reazon#why . of course !!! itz cuz hez an angel who can do no wrong !!! my sweet sweet guardian angel !!!#and the first one waz like . made ironically#i waz gonna do a follow-up drawing that would be like “cloze your eyez . spooky ...” while i writhed in bed – y'know mouthwashing reference#but whatever . therez alwayz next time#im have mixed thoughtz on the humanizationz – i still feel like shit when i think about that unfinished fic#i might tweak them if i ever try to finish that thing ; i just wonder if they'd hate me for thiz#sigh#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis au#high voltage au#dhmis sketchbook#sketch the sketchpad#dhmis hv sketchbook#^ hez the only one from the hv au actually included#dhmis tony#tony the talking clock#dhmis colin#colin the computer#honestly . i felt kinda awkward giving sketch dimplez – ive had people tell me to smile less becauze they make me look bad in photoz#and like . i get it . theyre right – i don't want them to have to put up with that too#i just really wanted to project smth of my own onto them#i did the same with my acne . but actually i really love my acne . it makez me look masc az shit#now all i have to do iz get tonyz killer eyebagz and facial hair and id be perfect ....#i dropped the ball with the digital drawing'z coloring huh ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ#well . what can you really expect from me#i dunno#like and subscribe and comment what your opinionz on the conceptz are and maybe i won't burn my house down !!!
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i know i said i was happy about how mel's story went, but the more i think about it the less i'm sure about that. this is very much connected to how the themes of classism and wealth disappeared in s2, but mel in the beginning was the epitome of piltover. she wanted to advance piltover to prove herself to her mother. to "put piltover—" and by extension herself, "—on the map."
she wanted wealth just to have it. and i'm not blaming her for anything that happened, especially with hextech! she, just like jayce and viktor, could not have known what it would lead to. i mean yeah heimerdinger said so but who the hell listens to heimerdinger? but anyway i think mel changed throughout s1, much in thanks to jayce. by the end she's become more cognisant of the mistreatment of zaunites. she's the first to vote for their peace. she was a good person all along but now she knows how to act on it. it's also seen more in s2 act 1. when she covers her painting with gold, it's symbolic—she won't act according to what her mother might think. she won't let her desire for approval dictate her anymore.
so somehow i wish those themes were. continued, somehow? like again they were dropped not just with mel but the whole show and it makes her story a off to me. there's no meaningful commentary on war or classism or how her ideology stands opposite to her mother's. like some people have said, it feels like she doesn't have much agency, even if she is really cool. and that to me is a shame because agency felt like her thing. "to shape your own destiny" as she says to jayce in s1. i know her collaborating with the black rose (but not fully joining them) and learning magic is supposed to represent becoming independent from her mother, taking her own path, but some other aspects of her character were thrown away... the more i think about it the more i'm thinking they kind of #girlboss-ed her a little bit. maybe to sell another champion. i can't help but feel like even though i enjoyed seeing her on screen, the payoff didn't feel proportionally satisfying compared to her setup in s1.
#mel medarda#her characteristics; the whole point of her dichotomy with her mom;#is that she does not use violence. she fights and controls with words.#with her intelligence. with her knowledge of people and their minds.#so now thinking about it i'm a little :/ that not only#did we not get to see a lot of that in s2#but she just. became another fighter?#i also know there was that whole thing about how mages aren't accepted in noxus but#honestly? kind of stupid. magic violence is still violence.#and i know arcane retcons a lot of things but.#the lore noxus. was not like that iirc. and it feels like a strange thing to just make up.#done in service just to make mel a Cool Badass Mage™ while still saying#hey guys! she's still different from her mom don't worry!#also. hey. hey. why is she going back to noxus. can someone to explain that to me#like ok i know it's her only connection left. i kinda understand.#but at the same time...? what. is she gonna do there#i know sevimel is a crackship but i kinda wished she stayed in piltover to help#better things for zaunites. and help sevika on the council#(god knows she needs it)#that might have been a fitting conclusion to her character. to me!#look i cant lie and say i hated watching mel be all badass like. she's awesome.#but character writing wise... kind of let down?#we didn't even get to know more about her past or where she's from.#and yes i know they're prolly going to explain it in the new show because they were noxusbaiting hard.#but man... i don't know...#sorry holy shit that's a lot of words.#if anyone has any opinions would love to hear them. still very conflicted on this whole thing.#it just feels like i'm missing something.#arcane
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An AWS comic
#My art#For the record I am not a medical professional and as far as I know AWS isn't even something you can be diagnosed with???#It's so hard to describe what the two sensory hallucinations really *FEEL* like#Like the time one... You know how a dramatic slow motion scene looks like in an anime?#It's like that but if you made it a 60 fps interpolated version of it#It is an absolutely bizarre feeling#Meanwhile the hyper awareness and everything feeling intense feels like how a fisheye lens shot in an anime feels#No I could not be bothered to try to figure out how to draw that for this comic#For the record I haven't actually had those visual hallucinations since I was a small small child#Hell I don't even think I had any hallucinations in my teens at all like#The sensory ones just kinda started happening again in the past 7 years or so?#Also the swelling sensation I've only had once so far. Usually I get the hyper awareness sensation#(Also sometimes I get this intense feeling of swaying when I go to bed but that might not be an AWS thing??)#(Like there's other things that could make you feel like you're rocking on a boat when laying down so I didn't include that)#No I have never talked to anyone about these hallucinations because for the longest time I didn't know what they were#And they are like. Harmless. Like I'm 100% aware they're just strange sensations but not real at all#They last max 15 minutes if even that long and they happen like super rarely#Only once have I had the hyper awareness be SO INTENSE it made me feel distressed#So like. It doesn't really affect my life at all? So why bother with it?#Also IDK if I could even go to a doctor and ask about AWS and have them know what that even is#And even if I could as far as I know there is no treatment for it so like. Whatever#As long as I don't start having distressing hallucinations or visual hallucination's I'll be fiiiiiine
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💢FUCK THE WORLD (and maybe my mom in particular)💢
1. ミザン/バルーン & ぬゆり ft. flower & 歌愛ユキ
2. 嫌われ者の詩/164 ft. GUMI
3. メーベル/バルーン ft. Eve
4. CUT/神山羊
5. 怪電話 /r-906 ft. ROSE & POPY
Tanabemas gift for @wojtekaneko!! This is an Eishi-and-his-mom playlist!! It sort of tracks how their relationship sort of changes throughout the series, starting from the controlling relationship they had even before prologue, and culminating in Eishi's flight away in Flight 42: Open Your Eyes.
Most of these songs are on here because I think the lyrics are a really good match, but I think the video for Miseen (1) and Mabel (3) are worth watching. The album cover image is actually from the Mabel video, I just drew in the Eishi and Kiriko.
The opening and closing songs I see as duets between them, while the three songs in the middle are purely from Eishi's perspective. But of course you can interpret it however you want! I think all these songs are fun and I'd be very happy if everyone listened <3
LYRICS TRANSLATED
Miseen/balloon & Nuyuri ft. flower & Kaai Yuki
hated person song/164 ft. GUMI
Mabel/balloon ft. E ve
CUT/Yoh Kamiyama
A Mysterious Phone Call/r-906 ft. ROSE & POPY
#birdmen#karasuma eishi#karasuma kiriko#tanabemas2024#stray bird thoughts#I don't really like putting edits onto my art blog and this technically counts as one bc I didn't draw the background LOL#ohhh I was debating between this playlist and a different one titled TRANSPARENT SIGNAL or INVISIBLE WAVEFORM or something#which would be like. about bm in General#idk I still might make that one LOL#but yeah YAYYYYY I think eishi and his mom are sooo interesting.#balloon writes the craziest breakup songs but a ton of the time it's vague enough and not really romantic if you don't want it to be#so that's why there's 2 of them on here LMAO#it's crazy though. like the videos... avogado6 sees directly into my mind#the vase of flowers!!! just everything about the miseen video!!!!#mannn the last song though. strange telephone call is sooo. it's soooo.#I want to make a music video to it so badly.#r-906 songs are always off to a slow start but like. that is exactly what reading bm feels like. you're like nothing is kinda happening#and then suddenly you're like WHAT. WHAT! HELLO! ! !#please please please you HAVE to give that one a chance#the translation is also SO good. like kiriko's victim complex comes through SO gorgeously in it#when i read 'lil ol me' for the first time I was like HOLY shit. WOW. WOWthis is LITERALLY her#YOU REALLY HAVE TO LOOK WITH YOUR HEART ABOUT IT BUT IT'S SO TRUE TO ME.#YOU'D UNDERSTAND IF YOU SAW THE VIDEO IN MY MIND TOO.
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It's deeply important to me that Loop kind of sucks
#they are literally awesome but they do kinda suck. just a tad#mostly as in i keep thinking about lucabyte's comics. they are critical to me#i love isat's postcanon as a space to explore recovery and communication#but sometimes you kind of have to drag urself through glass to get there. sometimes the glass sticks in ur skin and makes u prickly#i think constantly about like. loop being surprised by siffrin's kindness if u choose to be nice to them in certain dialogue options.#remarking about how time has made them jaded more than he is#loop is fundamentally kind. but they are scantly ever 'nice'#i think if loop joins the party it's inevitable that they are going to make each other bristle up#loop has a difficult time with all of the party members. between the guilt and the loss and them just not being capital s Siffrin#and to the party who only knows loop from one interaction and siffrin's apparent care for them i think loop would come off. abrasive at bes#like. like i dont think loop would act the same with the party that they do siffrin. their mask is very Piss Siffrin Off specialized#but how much of ur persona is an act and how much of it is yourself. or whatever. loop wouldn't want to be mean to their friends sure#but it's much easier not to hurt if you wedge some distance. no better way to get that distance by being offputting. i think isabeau esp#would get the brunt of this. poor man#plus there's just hte general fact that like. nobody likes the feeling of talking to somebody who clearly knows too much about them. who#will never show their own cards. added with the fact that there's just an inherent strangeness w loop. where they have a relationship to#siffrin thru the loops that none of the party members will ever grasp (and in a way they cant even guess frankly!)#i just have a hard time seeing loop's assimilation into the party as going smooth and nice. you know. i think the party members would think#that loop kinda sucks a little. i think loop would let them think this. all of this being said this is not irreconcilable or permanent#but i like there to be growing pains for the party's expansion. i won't even get into nille bc this aint abt her but yah#the lucky thing loop is you made friends with a lot of really nice people who would being willing to get to know you again.#isat spoilers
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Walkshipping board for that one anon from forever ago who asked about my ships
X-X X-X X-X
#i call i walkshipping because i'm pretty sure their only interaction together was walking bakura home#the dynamic to me is unrequited crush -> friends -> fake dating -> possible qpr -> crush x2 combo -> awkward maybe-kinda-unofficial-polycul#i think since mihos crush on bakura was solely aesthetic‚ it'd start to fade once she started actually viewing him as a friend#and i think once that happened and bakura got more comfortable they would end up hanging out a lot#i think miho would love tabletop games (you cant convince me her enjoyment of capsulemon didn't just come from rping with the pieces)#and her immunity to traditionally scary things means bakura could get her into a lot of his other interests as well#anyway i like the idea that eventually they decide to fake date each other purely to get the girls to leave bakura's demi ass alone#which in turns leads to honda third wheeling them a lot bc 'ur just fake dating right ur not gonna catch actual feelings right'#the idea of this going anywhere romantic hinges on my belief that finding out abt mihos weird strange interests makes him even more into he#and that realizing how many traits she shares with bakura is‚ unfortunately for him‚ how he finds out he might in fact be bi#so now he's still desperately trying to romance miho AND coming to terms with the idea that his jealousy of bakura might have deeper origin#meanwhile the two are like 'hey honda likes us isnt that cute. wanna see how many trinkets we can get him to buy us'#<- (i warned you. i warned you about the extreme yapping that came with this)#moodboard#yugioh#yugioh s0#miho nosaka#honda hiroto#ryo bakura#ryou bakura#tristan taylor#walkshipping#hands#dice#flowers#planchette#ouija board#jewelry#puzzle
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Maladaptive daydreaming.
#daydreaming#maladaptive daydreaming#maladapting daydreaming disorder#maladaptive behaviors#maladaptive coping#dissociation#immersive daydreaming#dimond speaks#yeah so adding this to my list here lol#my therapist helped me realize i dissociate a LOT and the primary way i do it is through vivid daydreams#they usually happen at work but they also pop up if i'm having a bad day or... anytime really.#i've also come to the realization that i have at least one of these a day which is not good fgsjh#my therapist says they're not inherently bad especially since they do have a positive effect on my emotions (if its a good daydream)#but it's gotten to the point that it's affecting the way i work#and they can last for a LONG time too#i haven't timed them but i do know they've been over 30 minutes at work before#this is either due to ADHD autism PTSD or a mixture of the three lmao#weeeee#anyway. this post isn't really intended to be a vent post#it's more like a 'this is my experience' type post#it just kinda comes across as somewhat vent-y#but that was because i wanted to try and immerse the reader into what its like to have these daydreams#like mine look NOTHING like this but making it more generic would help others understand it#the void is the general dissociation from reality#then you emerge in the dream#i can feel things as if i'm there- the sun the wind and sometimes even physical touch#and i'll stay there until something snaps me out#strangely i can get my work done while i'm doing this- i just wont have any memory of doing so. it's like being on autopilot#anyway. I hope this post was helpful to someone out there#if you also maladaptive daydream YOU ARE NOT ALONE! it's valid and you're not 'faking' anything. it's a genuine trauma response.
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let your OCs get a little squishy, it's good for you
#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#sims#simblr#rose legacy extra#oc: caleb#oc: kayla#i've always felt like after the aliens it wouldn't make sense for caleb to revert back to scrawny victorian child kinda body shape#but i didn't really have the guts to go with it bc my own body shape is giving me issues heh :')#but this year i've been playing around with it#and i love her so much like this :')))))#and these screenshots were actually taken just a few days before i went#'actually...that's kayla...she's trans'#so yeah recent development for this character has been very sweet and dear to me and i just wanna hug her#didn't think i'd make such big changes 8 years after getting her#but it just feels so right and good#it also kinda matches to how even within the story she'd transition a bit later in life#not saying early 30s are late but#usually with my trans sims up until now they all knew they were trans in their late teens early 20s#she's different in that. it took her longer and it took some oddly specific strange experiences to make her realize that#but i love that for her#am i making sense#i'm just gushing. i love her so much i want to hug her did i mention i wanna hug her
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grian live on The Red Tour 2013
#dsmp dni#obviously this was the first thing i thought of when i saw that skin#the swiftie brain rot is insane#hermitcraft#hermitcraft season 6#hermitcraft grian#grian#hermitcraft tango#tangotek#dont know a lot abt tango#but his skin did give kinda punky vibes#like hes working steam punk but mostly punk with hints of steam#like string gummy cookie or something#im still new to hermitcraft#also i feel so crazy postibg more hermitvracft like 12 hours after saying i hated drawing#im just trying not to let the art block get me down too bad#but like i feel obsessed#but at the same time the last hermitcraft post i made is getting likes and reblogs faster than ANYTHING else ive ever posted#not that thats why im making hermitcraft fanart#i just think thats strange#i dont get as excited for hermitcraft/life the way i do for other interests like sp or caster chronicles#its on a different hyperfixation shelf for me#like a situationship hyperfixation#like if all my interests are my hoes than hermitcraft is my side fling#i dont know what i just typed#shitpost
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Didn't felt like mentioning it immediately but shoutout to my sick and twisted brain for getting so triggered by an unexpected Christmas parade that I ended up havin the absolute worst panic attack of my entire life (potentially the only real one? I've had a couple other episodes I thought of as panic attacks but they were not even close to that so who knows) to the point where I spent the very last day of my 30th year on this earth in the ER, good times, good times 😊
#that was 10 days ago and i honestly was fine immediately after it ended so don't worry for me <3#but yeah this shit was crazy holy hell#like i knew intellectually that 'feeling like you're dying' is a symptom of a panic attack but *actually* feeling it is another thing...#and even at the worst i was like 'ok i'm clearly having a panic attack it's not nice but it's gonna be ok'#but there was a piece of my brain that was like 'ok but what if your mom or grandma had told themselves that...'#'when they were having heart attack? They would have died and so will you 😊'#and i was like shit can't argue with that better get my ass to the hospital before i die#spoiler alert: i didn't died#ironically enough the revolting state of our healthcare system is lowkey what helped me calmed the fuck down#because i was tiny but i do remember when my mom had her heart attack and they sure as hell didn't let her wait for 7h+#so when i realized that this is what was gonna happen after i spent a brief moment with a nurse i was just like...oh i'm fine actually lol#and then i had to go take the bus in my fake crocs that i usually never wear outside of the house smh#interestingly enough my phobia of hospital seems to have competely disappear! which makes me believe that it was more a trauma response#than an actual phobia#not that the name changes that much but still interesting development#also no i'm not wearing a mask because nobody gave me one#that's actually one of the thing that made me leave lmao#oh and btw the christmas parade is true but also a bit more complex than that#basically i had a full sleepless night and i was mad so i decided to go buy myself some weed#turned out that there was a huge christmas parade 5 minutes away from the weed store so i hade to find another way#and then i got lost on the way back#and saw no less than 3 big fights between different homeless people#including one man randomly kicking another man's dog (which kinda really messed with me tbh)#and then i smoked a big joint (first one in like 10 days) with 0 sleep and zero food in my body#and then i took the bus#and then the bus driver yelled at an elderly man for not waiting at the right place#and then i took a sip of water and for some truly strange reason my brain decided that the water had gone in my lungs#and that i was actively drowning#and the rational part of me was like...girl that's not what drowning feels like what are you even talking about??#and then my brain went 'well if we're not drowning than we're having a heart attack'
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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