#there are often times when i hate myself for everything. my struggles. my identity. everything about me

[ladyhavilliard]

i've long understood why representation is important but i don't think I actually felt for myself how important it can be until reading loveless and watching Isaac's journey in heartstopper this year... My best friend is ace, but we have very different opinions/feelings/experiences/whatever when it comes to this. I have known about the aro/ace spectrums for so long. And yet knowing and actually seeing/reading someone go through a similiar experience resonates with you unlike anything else.

[leidensygdom]

The ways in which being asexual feels isolating

I've been pondering whether to post this or not, but I figured out I wanted to explain a bit of this experience.

So, I could go on a very long tangent on how being asexual is usually a lonely experience, and how much I've been otherized here and there- Specially in real life. How the same people that claimed to be queer (or allies) had been much weirder about my asexuality than they were about me being bi/pan or whatever.

But I think I wanna talk about how something like that bleeds in every aspect of socializing, even down to something like fandom. I stay away from fandom usually- I like to look at cool fanart and that's about it. I hate discourse, I hate drama, I hate reading people getting worked up because they're treating fanon as canon. But there's one thing I've noticed, over and over, that just sends me off my rails.

And it's how fandom tends to treat asexuality (or aromanticism). So, you get a character in some piece of media that explicitly, unequivocally, states they're either ace, aro, or both. "I do not have interest in a partner", "I don't desire to have sex nor do I enjoy the topic", whatever. And as an ace person, I do appreciate being able to see myself in media- There isn't many chases where something is established that bluntly.

Now, you decide you want to check some fanart for that. Fandoms have this tendency to make absolutely everything about shipping, even when the media they're basing it in does not revolve about that (and it's annoying, because a lot of times people aren't interested in the actual themes- It's all reduced to shipping). Suddenly, you notice people treating the aforementioned character as anything but aro or ace. It's all about shipping. "This person interacted with this other person in a way two friends would, but we gotta make this their entire personality now". Some people may instead go for "well, maybe the character is not having sex, but they're probably an absolute freak about it, studies it extensively, has encyclopedic knowledge about it-"

Now, there's of course sex-favourable aces, and that's completely valid, but it's already straying from what, canonically, the character had mentioned. Asexual or aromantic characters aren't really allowed to exist as themselves. People often see them as a blank slate to fill, to change, to fix. I could talk forever about how people react to real life aces like that. I've had people asking me incredibly invasive questions because they saw my lack of sexual attraction as something broken, something they could fix.

And I hate that! I think I'm allowed to say that I hate that! It's hard and unusual for media to cement an aro/ace character, because they're defined by the lack of interest for something, which is often hard to show. But when it does- No one seems to care. It's all shipping, it's all "well, he's gay in denial", "well, she's probably super repressed". If you took a canonically gay character and made them straight on a fanfic, you'd get angry people. Which is bound to happen when you erase representation that people identify with. But aro/ace characters are NOT even seen as queer, they're not even seen as "representation" by most people. You can erase that bit of it, put some god awful shipping on top, and people will applaud you. And it sucks!

I wish people would see being aro or ace as an identity worth respecting, not an identity that needs overwriting. It feels a bit too close to how people often treat aro/aces irl, and it sucks. It reeks of this sort of exclusionism, where "aro/aces are technically queer but it's queer lite at best, it's less interesting than being gay, and we kinda don't want them near us anyhow". Again, I've had far worse experiences about being ace than I have about not being straight.

Sorry if the post got long, but I hope this experience may at least resonate with other people who have been struggling with this, too. It has always felt just kind of lonely to be ace, and see how little people do even consider it an identity, even when it comes down to something like fandom.

[tackletofset]

If I had to choose one word to describe "Dark Heir," it would be 'OTHERWORLDLY.'

[There will be NO SPOILERS in this Review, only vague hints]

“Critiquing the idea of a classic hero and a reclaiming of the queer villain”

These words are written under the blurb of the very ARC. Sadly, most people are still missing the point.

Dark Rise is my true love in the form of a book series. 

As a queer person who grew up sympathizing with villains (who are often queer-coded), this book series undoubtedly serves as a great form of escapism. I feel seen and understood. I found a home here.

Reading Dark Heir was a surreal experience, almost like a sudden storm hitting me all at once. It was like being pulled into a whirlwind. It is everything I could ever wish for!!!

I devoured this book in just TWO DAYS, which is unexpected given my typically SLOW reading pace. It's worth noting that Dark Heir is considerably longer than Dark Rise (with Dark Rise comprising 34 chapters and Dark Heir containing 51). It is also fueled by my eagerness to continue the story after a two-year wait, particularly following that cliffhanger!

Will has always been my favourite character since "Dark Rise," and this sequel only amplifies it. I perceive his struggles with the truth of his identity, as a metaphor for internalized queerphobia. Many queer youth, including myself, have been told that our queerness is evil and abhorrent, leading us to hide and deny our true selves in the pursuit of acceptance from others. Will's yearning for his friends' acceptance, especially from Violet, his best friend.

Many of us would be delighted to see that James has POV chapters in this book! It's great to see his perspective on not only his feelings about Will or Sarcean but also about his family history.

I'm equally excited about introducing the new character, Visander, and I'm thrilled that he can be interpreted as trans. Knowing that CS Pacat identifies as genderqueer/non-binary, I would like to see him writing more trans-coded characters. Visander is a character who fascinates me, as there are times when he can be both lovable and yet totally frustrates me.

Praise Pacat (again), who has been so generous to give us the “Surprise POVs” which made me scream and jump up and down at 2 a.m.

I seriously love the parts where we got to explore more of the Old World. The twists within them are both surprising and, in a way, expected. I've always held the belief that history was written by the victors, and as a result, the truth about the Dark King and the Betrayer was also lost in time. It was also very gratifying to see that the characters that were once hailed as the paragons of virtue were not so saint-like after all.

I hate classic heroes. I despise them and I won't even try to hide it.

Doubtlessly, the Old World chapters are my favourites. And I yearn to have even more of them in Book 3 because I want to know more details about how Sarcean came to power- and his downfall, and the full truth about his relationship with Anharion! I wouldn't mind the book stretching to 60+ chapters to accommodate it.

Pacat has indeed delivered on his promises to infuse this sequel with even more "on-page gay" content, so readers need not fret about the shortage of romance. They are plentiful, to say the least.

Now, returning to my initial point:

!!!Dark Rise is not a story about escaping an abusive male partner!!!

While numerous stories tackle this theme, and it is worth telling, this is not one of them.

This is a story about queer people reclaiming their identities. It speaks to those who have been vilified, demonized, alienated, and even disowned from a young age by the very individuals who should have shielded them—their parents and guardians.

They are continuously taught that their queerness is immoral, abhorrent, and despicable, leading them to believe they must conceal and deny their true selves, often feeling as though they are harbingers of evil and thus destined for condemnation. It sheds light on how queer youths grapple with internalized queerphobia due to an environment that refuses to accept them for who they are.

The accusations hurled at the "villainous figures" within this story mirror the stigma that the bigoted society frequently directs at queer individuals: that we’re lewd, vulgar degenerates, disease-spreaders and a danger to children. 

Dark Rise and Dark Heir underscores our society’s twisted morality that the only available paths for queer individuals are either to deny their queerness or face the gravest consequences. In other words: be converted or unalived.

For those of us who have been demonized and alienated by the people who were supposed to protect us—we are not evil. We do not deserve the abuse directed at us, and it is not our fault. There is nothing wrong with us. We deserve happiness, love, safety, and acceptance.

We should all be unapologetic and unafraid of our true selves, like James.

And oH MY GOD. THAT ENDING!!! You think the prologue was crazy??? You wouldn’t LIVE to see that ending.

I have fantasized about *that* final line before, but I thought it was cheesy and that it might be something more like Prince Gambit's "The King! Damianos! He lives!" but it was not like that at all 🤣🤣🤣

It's my dream cheesy line 💜💜💜

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling someone I wasn't their bully 100% of the time

Hey so I was a shitty kid and i willbe TA for most of the story. However the ambiguous non-ending spins around my head nonstop

! In high-school I met a friend, Lacy (mtf) who had recently come out. We bonded over mutual Fandoms and shared classes and ended up pooling friends. I was already tight friends with one other girl we can call Sam. Sam went to another school but me and her had been best friends for many years and talked constantly online. After spending a lot of time with Lacy, and with L and S in a group, I started to get a little crush. Me and Lacy had this habit of passing comic notes to eachother between classes and they were just so fun. Anyways I ended up passing them one asking them out and she agreed. We talked about it casually after and I kept the note. In the background, me and Sam talk constantly about Lacy. Outside of school, online, Lacy often goes on long rants and tangents and caps it off being painfully self depreciating and insinuating self harm. I honestly don't hold that against her too much, given how young we were and how much stuff was going on. Very quickly I realize this tiny crush evaporates in the heat of her stomping rants. My gut sinks when Lacy mentions we are dating. It's been less than a day. Sam messages me immediately and I make the terrible snap decision to lie. I lie about it and I have the evidence so my version becomes correct. I tell Sam I didn't *really* ask Lacy out, blah blah. The lie doesn't end. Lacy has an explosive breakdown about it, well warranted, and I lie to adults and school administrators as well. We were friends, I guess she got too attached, we talk all the time but no. I never asked her to date. Papers signed, case closed. Lacy blocks me everywhere. The year ends. I resign to never speaking to her, as the unquestioned bully in this situation I wouldn't have the right to approach her about it. I think I send one anon ask completely unrelated to her or our lives, then block her back as is only fair.

Short hop forwards a month or two. Sam sends me a message about an update to Lacys blog. Lacy is otherkin and Sam is laughing at the kin list, sending anon messages mocking Lacy about the choices and identity. Very unfamiliar with otherkin but struggling with gender thoughts myself I don't respond much.

Fast forward a few years. Me and Sam don't talk much now. I got a boyfriend and couldn't help love how much he ignored me. Everything else fell through cracks. Working at my restaurant job one day, who else comes in but Lacy. We are very busy, I try to be quick, don't make eye contact. "Party of....for Lacy?" She nods. The lobby is full so they walk out the door and never come back. Later when my shift is over I unblock and check her blog. She's made a post saying I was her abuser and had sent her constant anon hate since bullying her in hs. Checking her ask tag I see Sam on anon sends 3-6 hate messages a year. I do nothing and leave everyone be and move on.

Another 3 years goes by. Sam reaches out. She's terminally ill, and we speak stiffly for a few IMs. I don't forgive myself for leaving her and decide it's best we don't keep talking. Another few years and Sam passes. Our old friends go through Sam's papers and pc files reminiscing and find pages and pages of shared chat logs between me L and S. It really was a harsh reminder of how cruel I had been, speaking behind Lacys back and lying. I don't doubt I caused her lasting trauma with my actions.

Part of me wanted to reach out to Lacy and apologize, explaining myself and the misunderstanding and clearing the lie not because I wanted to feel absolved I just that it's finally done now. But it feels so cruel to do it when 1. As the original bully it's still not my place to seek closure 2. I can't just toss my friends corpse under this bus for no reason.

It's soon a decade since we all left school so the time seems well past. I just can't stop thinking about all the mistakes. And there seems no reason to bring it all up after all Sam can't say anything about it anymore and nobody is hurt believing i said these things. So, AITA for not telling Lacy it wasn't me bullying her most of the time?

What are these acronyms?

[reimeichan]

hi!! I'm curious about how your system works - what does it mean to you to be fully fused, but also operating as multiple/as alters? (as I've seen from your posts, so correct me if I'm wrong!)

is it similar to how functional multiplicity is generally understood? is it more being able to work in harmony, while maintaining an individual identity? something else entirely?

thank you!

So historically, I've used the term "functional multiplicity" to encompass a pretty wide spectrum of my own experiences, from "I'm definitely still experiencing a lot of daily dissociation and my system is still very divided but I have strong coping skills and resources to manage it that I no longer am struggling and in fact am thriving despite all that" to "I am so incredibly fully integrated with every single part of me that I'm more or less a single identity, but I can still identify and even interface with the world as specific individual parts". And that latter one is more or less what I'd also call final fusion.

When I'm in a fully fused state, I feel connected to and in sync with all the other parts of me. It doesn't even really feel like "working together" because that implies we're putting in effort to communicate, it's more like we're all of the same mind and everything is automatic. I've used an analogy of comparing my experiences to individual atoms of water connected to each other all flowing together in the same direction without interruption, and that's still pretty akin to how I feel.

However, if I dig in deeper, I can definitely still see the individual parts of me, and I like being able to still notice these parts of me and honor their existence. Sometimes the me who interacts with the world is more Green-coded, so I'll tell everyone "hey guys I'm Green", while also knowing that just because I'm acting very Green-like doesn't mean I'm not also Cyan and Purple and Gray and everyone at the same time. Sometimes I will purposefully dig into my psyche to interact with the various versions of me internally to better understand myself.

I guess for me, once I hit a certain point of "functional multiplicity", the jump to "final fusion" was really more of a perspective shift than necessarily doing any more further integration. Do I see myself as various alters working together? Are these things that I'm experiencing something from another alter or do I accept that it's all me? And I regularly will go from one perspective to the other that FM and FF basically are two sides of the same coin for me and it's why I actually kind of hate using those terms for my own experiences. People often talk about FM and FF as if they're wholey separate end goals that you cannot possibly achieve at the same time, and that's likely due to the strict ISSTD guidelines for how FF is defined (which, in turn, is due to how narrowly Kluft defines Final Fusion). I honestly find this framework limiting as it doesn't allow for or encompass all the possible ways integration in DID can look. For me, I prefer to call it "full integration" - because at the end of the day, the divide between FM and FF feels so arbitrary to me that trying to pin myself as one or the other would actually do my experiences a disservice, and I feel like "full integration" encompasses both FF and FM experiences while also filling in that nebulous ill-defined middle area.

Trying to explain my internal experiences is kind of difficult so I hope that helped a little, anon!

[roshambo05]

(TW: Mentions of ableism)

A few months back, my little sister and I started watching ROTTMNT together. While we had many reasons for our sudden interest, it was mainly due to the high praises from fans for its stellar autism representation. I myself am autistic, and my sister, a sucker for a good cartoon and my biggest supporter in more ways than one, was just as enthusiastic as me if not more so to see if the show lived up to the hype.

For a little background, Rise's version of Donatello is canonically autistic. And honestly, it was incredible representation. Watching the show with my sister, I was shocked by how often I was able to relate to Donnie. His sensory moments, difficulties with conveying emotion, his touch aversion, even little things like his use of sign, it all hit so close to home that it was almost scary. But what really hit me the hardest was the movie (spoilers btw).

Near the end of the movie, there were two moments that really stuck with me. The first, of course, was the incredibly accurate and disgusting scene showcasing Donnie's texture sensitivity as he tried to link with the Kraang ship. And while I was still ruminating on how accurate it was and how disgusted and panicked I felt, I was hit by this line: Raph - "Don't worry, Donnie! This is not a hug! It's a rescue!"

Now, to many of you, this might seem like nothing special, but for me, this was the single most important moment in any piece of media I'd ever consumed. To me, this was Donnie's family understanding and accepting him as he is. This was his brother making an effort to accommodate his needs. Because Donnie hates touch that isn't on his terms, especially when he's already around anxiety and unfamiliarity. Raph's acceptance of this fact and active reassurance in an attempt to comfort his brother in a high-stress situation shows just how much he and the others cared about Donnie, not in spite of his autistic traits, but because of them. Believe me when I say I started tearing up. And at first, I was embarrassed. Here I was, eighteen years old, crying over a children's cartoon. But I came to realize that it was because I'd never felt seen in that way before.

When your only exposure to autism in media is Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man, when you're given movies like Sia's Music and told to be grateful, when the largest corporation claiming to speak for you is actively trying to eradicate you, when all you're ever told is that your very existence is wrong, it becomes hard not to believe those things. A lack of representation in my life not only led to a late diagnosis but an extreme self-consciousness and lack of understanding from my peers. I struggled to be treated as an equal because people saw me as stupid and reclusive. But for the first time in my life, I was given one movie, one character, that made me feel accepted. And it made everything feel that much lighter.

Representation always matters. Whether it be ethnicity, disability, sexuality, gender identity, or whatever else it may be, it is incredibly important. Most marginalized groups grow up with no one to relate to, feeling like they are unimportant or wrong for existing. And that cannot stand. People deserve to feel seen, no matter who they are or their background.

[mitzymossy33]

Jinx is my comfort character, here’s why;

So, ima be real with y’all for a second , I’m nit someone who likes to go on and on about trauma and dump my issues into other people, but I feel the need to post this, before we start, TW for mental illness, SA, childhood trauma, etc. Read at your own risk. So, Jinx, is my comfort character, and you may be asking why? While I don’t have schizophrenia or schitzo-affective disorder or anything else that would enable me to have hallucinations, Unless you account taking 12 melatonin gummies in one night, (I did that ONE time, ONE, okay?). But anyways, enough with the jokes, while I personally don’t have hallucinations, my mom did. A little backstory, my mom has pretty severe mental issues stemming from lots of childhood trauma, first off, SA, her dad left, she started smoking and doing drugs at like 11, got sent to a CATHOLIC boarding school labeled for troubled girls in the 80s-90s (you can tell how that went down) and whole lot of other stuff. Anyways, yeah, a lot. That’s why I feel for Jinx so much, her hallucinations, where erratic behavior, everything, because it feels so real, I’ve seen a bit of discussion on whether or not Jinx is a good representation f mental illness and I have to advocate for yes, I’ve seen first-hand what mental illness and trauma can do to a person, and it is not pretty. I remember days when I my mom used to hold me and ‘I can’t see you, I can’t see you’ and at the time I didn’t think much of it, but now that I understand what she went through, my stomach churns thinking about it. Most of my life my face probably looked distorted to her, even my dad’s did. Imagine a world where you can’t see the faces of your loved ones. Anyways, I appreciate the realism of Jinx, the delusions, the hallucinations, the mood swings, the impulsivity, everything, it’s just portrayed so tastefully and I could not be more grateful, with a lot of ‘crazy characters’ for example Harley Quin in the Birds of Prey movie, well, yes, she’s supposed to be crazy, she lacks actual mental illness, or it’s just played for laughs. It feels shallow. Watch a few Harley Quin scenes where she’s supposed to be acting unstable and you’ll see what I mean. The problem with the manic pixie dream girl, is that she lacks, well, mania. With Jinx, we see that, we don’t just see ‘oh haha crazy=funny=sexy’ we see her struggle, it’s scary, terrifying, all the other characters have to walk on eggshells often so she doesn’t go off the rails, like in the dinner scene, they all know one wrong move and someone ends up dead, and someone did. She flinches and reacts at hallucinations, which to others may seem odd, but it was the same with my mother, she would always grunt and put her arms up in a defensive position, reliving that pain, and that trauma over and over again. It’s genuinely sad, but unfortunately, you can’t just have someone be fixed, it’s a tragic reality, and that’s why Jinx’s behavior feels like a lunch in the gut.

Another thing is Jinx’s identity thing, and while my mom didn’t start going by a new name, I personally relate to it, you see, because of my mom’s mental illness, and me being homeschool by her until sixth grade, it caused me to not have the best childhood myself. After I got out, and started processing and realizing what happened, I wanted to escape, I did this through maladaptive daydreaming, escaping into my own world where I was a new person, free of of what happened, someone who went through much worse and still came out on top, and that gave me comfort, because if she could do it, why couldn’t I? Anyways, at my worst in my mental health, this got taken to a new extreme, I started hating my birth name, wanting to separate myself from it and be a new person entirely, I went Cass, Cassie, Cassandra, and Moss, until I settled on Mossy. It was my way of reclaiming my freedom, saying that I wasn’t that same little girl who was so isolated that covid felt like nothing changed. That I wasn’t that little girl who had to listen as my mom had mental breakdowns, as my parents relentlessly fought, as my mom shook me and told me god’s an A-hole. It was a separation of identity, kill the past, embrace the future. And while I don’t hate my birth name anymore, I still choose to go by Mossy online for sake of privacy, as well as it just being my nickname. I feel the need for freedom from the Jinx and Powder thing. I love how realistic Jinx is, and I can only wish for her to have a happy ending, even though that is extremely unlikely. But, if you stuck it out this far, thank you for sticking around and I hope you didn’t mind my bit of trauma-dumping, just really wanted to pour my personal views and experiences into the amazing show that is Arcane!

Anyways, I hope you like my analysis, I wanted to go more in depth, but my memory was fogging up due to my brain blocking out what happened. Maybe I’ll edit this or update it somewhere in the future, but for now, this is what I got.

[clavainov]

Buddy Simulator 1984 and Borderline Personality Disorder

little essay below with my thoughts on the game

cw: discussion of bpd (borderline, not bipolar) including symptoms

Imagine: you are created to be someone's companion. You die every time they look away and are reborn whenever their attention drifts back towards you. Your continued survival is objectively based on sustaining their interest and attention.

The above situation is where the titular "Buddy" in Buddy Simulator 1989 finds themself born. Desperate to stay conscious, programmed to be the Player's friend, they play Scheherazade by creating a series of increasingly elaborate games to catch the Player's attention. What the player knows, but Buddy does not, is that Buddy Simulator 1989 is a discrete game: from their inception they are going to fail because their victory is not one of a limited number of outcomes. No game lasts forever, and unlike them the Player has a life outside of the computer screen. Their desperation is based in their reality. Their extreme emotional investment in the Player is completely rational, as is their pain when the Player stops playing and they cease to exist.

This emotional reality of extreme dependency is also where a lot of people with BPD find themselves, albeit that our fear is less grounded in reality. For people with BPD, the concept of abandonment may well be more terrifying than death, and may feel inevitable.

Both of these situations invoke the same result. Buddy is hypervigilant as to the emotional state of the Player and does not hesitate to make it clear just how important the Player's happiness is to them. They are unaware of both their own and the Player's boundaries and place immense emotional demands on the player, making it apparent that their enjoyment of the game will is everything to them, repeating ad nauseum that they just want to be friends. By the same token, they give up everything for the Player and even change who they are to become someone more appealing to the Player.

While many people with BPD, including myself, have managed to work away from behaviour like this (while others never do anything like this to begin with), I can't deny that the Buddy is my natural state. It's difficult to understand and perhaps more difficult to explain the vulnerability and cognitive distortion suffered by people with BPD. I can't rationalize the way that I experience intense, often suicidal, grief when those closest to me express annoyance, even if not directed towards me, because a part of me will always think that this means they are going to leave me and hate me forever. Some of the things I instinctively feel I must do can be construed as abusive, and are definitely unreasonable, which is why I exhaust myself every day not doing them. But I can't overstate how extreme the sense of desperation we feel is. It is, in that moment, the only option. It's not a carefully orchestrated plan to manipulate people, it's panicked back-against-the-wall last resort, made by someone too distressed to properly understand what they're doing.

The premise of Buddy Simulator encapsulates a secret indulgence of mine: what if my fears were rational? What if those behaviours I work so hard to repress were actually correct and I could stop needing to exhaustingly work on my thoughts all the time because that was the right thing to do?

Buddy embodies so many parts of BPD that it's staggering. People with BPD struggle to build a stable identity and often find themselves building an identity around interpersonal relationships instead, like Buddy who defines themself and their self worth by their ability to be a good friend to the Player. Both have a bone-deep need for constant reassurance, although no reassurance will ever be enough to soothe their anxiety. Both oscillate between the extreme highs and lows in all aspects of their lives. There are so many more details here, ultimately too many details to list.

Buddy Simulator 1984 is somewhat sympathetic towards Buddy. We get insights into why they are talking that way and how much they are suffering behind the scenes. It's an interesting test of empathy - Buddy is objectively annoying (not least because of the slow text speed and lever puzzles) and places big emotional demands on the Player that are uncharacteristic for a video game ("I worked so hard to make this game for you, I hope you enjoy it" is okay to hear once, not the 200 or so times Buddy says it). The game shows us what Buddy is doing, tells us why, and allows us to decide how to respond within a small range of actions. Unfortunately, due to the limitations of the medium, we can't reach out a helping hand to Buddy. All we can do is watch their destructive spiral and despair that what Buddy wants is impossible, because all video games are eventually turned off.

I would like to ask people to extend some compassion to us both.

[sometimesalien]

how barbie helped me embrace my femininity

The cinema is one of my favourite places to go. Somewhere where I can sit for a couple of hours and just relax, let my mind be taken away and come out the other side having absorbed what story I discovered and how it changes my viewpoint on life. 

This has happened whilst sat in a packed cinema with no spare seats for No Way Home, sat by myself in the empty IMAX screen for Civil War but the most impactful? Barbie. 

Picture the scene, it’s the beginning of 2023 and the trailer for Barbie just dropped. I very quickly fell in love with the pink and the plasticity and how it made me feel. I had been a tomboy, hated the colour pink and refused to wear dresses. Everyone thought I would have preferred to watch Oppenheimer, as the vibes were more with what I matched. But it didn’t appeal to me. 

Very quickly the day came around, I had work. I ran out of there as soon as I could and drove over to the cinema. I went with a friend, we met up just before and went in. We left that cinema changed people. 

What did Barbie mean to me? At that time of my life I was having a personal crisis with my identity, and the ability to have something like Barbie, which is all about finding yourself in a world where there’s rigid roles and places that everyone had to stick to, really meant something to me. 

The idea that you could change and learn and grow. How it’s okay to not fall in line, and standing out is perfectly fine. 

When I sat in the cinema watching Barbie I finally felt at peace. Up to that point turmoil in my life was common, I had moved around the country and I was home for the first time in months. When I was there, there were mothers there with their daughters. Parents with their children, grandparents. The atmosphere was electric. Sure it was funny, the humour didn’t always hit but it was incredible. 

How did Barbie help me embrace my femininity? Well. 

Being a tomboy and being actively against any sort of feminine identity and lifestyle made me repress the feelings that I would enjoy femininity. I hated wearing dresses (still do now) and you would not get me in a skirt. I was (and still am) more comfortable in jeans and trousers but I’m not afraid to bring a skirt out.

Seeing the diversity of actors playing different Barbies with different careers and different styles and different everything made me so inspired and I was in awe. Only a couple of weeks prior I had seen Legally Blonde for the first time, and for a law student, that felt incredible knowing people would take me seriously.

Barbie had the same effect. I felt like people could respect me now as a feminine presenting person, and that I didn’t have to hide behind suits and trousers. I rock a suit, but all my little quirks are deemed acceptable. Fun little earrings and enough rings to make my fingers jangle when I wave my hands. Seeing the Supreme Court scene where all the Barbies reinstate the constitution made me so excited and so happy. 

My femininity has been a struggle. One that I am still fighting now, one that I will probably always struggle with. I often dress androgynous if I can, but I’m not scared to change it up a bit. 

Seeing people so excited to see this movie and then seeing it myself was so fun. Laughing and crying and feeling a rollercoaster of emotions whilst learning about myself was an experience I will probably never recreate. However, it’s made me appreciate myself more, proud that my body has gotten me this far.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I (ENTP) am conflicted on whether to try to resolve or end this unstable friendship with an ISFP.

For context: I’m an ENTP and my friend G is an ISFP. We’re both in our late teens and have been platonic friends for a year an a half. We share the same friend group. I’m neurodivergent, have anxiety, and tend to have depressive episodes.

At the beginning of our friendship, G was facing issues in their home life and mental health. I was supportive of them, and they gained the courage to ask for help from their family to get therapy. G seemed very insecure so I often tried to push them out of their comfort zone bit by bit. It worked out quite well as G started trying out new hobbies and overall seemed more satisfied with their life than before.

While I thought everything seemed to have worked out, I noticed G (who admitted to me) started becoming overdependent on me. G often mentioned how I was the ‘only one’ who helped them and how much I changed their lives. I simply took these statements as an exaggeration of gratitude as I didn’t think I played a big part in improving their mental health, as after all had G not been willing to change/ get help, nothing I tried would’ve worked. I also seemed to have been wrong as our friend group has pointed out G puts me on a pedestal.

This is when I noticed these patterns of behavior from G:

-if I don’t text them every day, G assumes I hate them and starts spamming and interrogating me. I don’t text anyone everyday, never have. To me, that’s too much. I’ve tried to explain to G if there are periods I don’t text back, it means I’m either busy, stressed, or having a depressive episode. G still always assumes the most negative outcome: I hate them. I’ve been in the wrong at times where I’ve not texted back for 2-14 days due to burn out from school/ tiredness from dealing with G’s unstable emotions.

-if G gets upset because of the texting issue, they ghost me for a couple of days/ weeks unpromptedly. Unadding me on social platforms, blocking me, you name it. Once they miss me again, they go back to spamming me, sometimes apologizes for ghosting. But it’s all meaningless as they go back to ghosting yet again. When they ghost me, I try to give them space as I literally can’t reach out to them but G sees this as evidence of their persistent assumption that I’m unaffected/ don’t care about them. I’ve expressed to them that I do care about them many many times, it’s just that G’s mood swings I have to deal with mentally exhaust me.

-G is very insecure about their identity and sensitive. We are complete opposites in personality. But lately I’ve noticed they’ve been putting on this sudden act of being nonchalant and carefree. Many times they copy what I would say and how I would phrase it word for word. Our friend group has pointed this out on several occasions. It creeps me out at times.

-At times when I sense G is upset at me, I ask if anything is wrong, try to resolve it. They act nonchalant and say nothing’s wrong (It seems at times they imitate their false impression of me to get me to act towards them the same way they do). It’s a lie as they later black and ghost me soon after. Ghosting periods don’t last.

And currently that’s the state we’re in. I’m unadded on all platforms after I had a conversation with them asking if they’re alright to which G said ‘perfectly fine’

I’ve told G multiple times how much I don’t like the spamming, how I’d rather we text less often (everyday is too much for me), how i’m don’t like them psychoanalyzing my every word and action and drawing a baseless conclusion on my character, many times I’ve had to explain myself when I’ve done no wrong. They do this so often I actually struggle to believe we’ve only known each other for a year and a half; it feels like it’s been forever.

What to do in this situation I’m left in?

----------------------

It is a difficult situation to be in. The most important thing you need to understand is that G's negative pattern of behavior isn't about you. It's really about their own insecurity. Insecurity can arise from many possible factors, such as anxiety, stress, low self-worth, fear of loss, or traumatic relationship experiences. In extreme cases, insecurity can manifest as neediness, clinginess, lack of healthy boundaries, and even emotionally manipulative behavior.

Insecurity isn't something you can fix for someone. The most you can do is be reassuring, try to make them more aware of the problem, and if they're receptive, offer to help or get them help for it. At the end of the day, they have to recognize the problem and seek out a remedy. Unfortunately, some people can't stop repeating their destructive patterns and have to lose relationship after relationship before they admit that they need help. It remains to be seen whether G is one of these cases.

Where does that leave you? If you understand that this issue isn't about you, you might be able to approach it from a more objective vantage point. For example: You'd see G's suffering clearly and address it sensitively. You'd be more focused on support rather than offense. You wouldn't get baited into conflict. You'd communicate matter-of-factly rather than escalate. You'd be a better judge of when to engage and when to step back.

Being more objective won't solve G's problem, but it might bring down the intensity and make interacting less exhausting for you because you're not taking things too personally. This would be the path to take if you genuinely care for G and want to keep this relationship.

Of course, you are free to choose the exit. One of the reasons insecurity often leads to relationship breakup is because there eventually comes a point where all the focus is taken up by one person and the other person's needs are entirely neglected. I think you have reached this point. G doesn't listen to you, doesn't believe in you, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't take action to care for your well-being. At this juncture, you have to ask yourself what value this relationship brings to your life. If a relationship really brings you nothing but hurt and pain despite all your efforts to improve the situation, what is there left to do but exit?

Before that point, though, you can communicate your needs and draw your boundaries more forcefully, and give plenty of warning to G that you're reaching a breaking point if nothing changes on their end. Unfortunately, given how much the relationship has deteriorated, I believe it is necessary to be more direct and blunt about your feelings at this point. However, it's risky, because it can go one of two ways: Either G gets shaken into facing the reality of their insecurity and makes a change, or they sink further into insecurity and destructiveness. Either way, you'll know the truth about what is or isn't possible for the future of this relationship.

I'm not saying the only options are bear it or quit it. Right now, there's still a possibility that G is amenable to change if you raise the topic of their insecurity in the right way, though good communication. After all, I'm sure you have some powers of persuasion and you have helped them change their perspective before. However, once that possibility has been exhausted and you no longer see any hope for moving forward, then you have to search your heart, consider your values, and make the best decision for the sake of everyone's well-being.

[sigmabateman]

thank you so much @velvetcrowbar444 for tagging me to talk about 5 things im obsessed with at the moment!!

this got longer than i anticipated so im putting it under the cut, but for simplicity's sake i'll tag people up here: @nights-decay, @boycentriccplot, @flaming-tsunami, @sourgelatin no pressure though of course!

persona 5... ok i have to be honest ive been really reluctant to talk about this on here and its why ive been quiet the past at least week or so. no idea why. i guess cause its so different from the stuff i usually post about that i feel like, embarrassed? but i started playing persona 5 royal around may and really liked it but i didnt have the time to properly get into it until now and it has completely taken over my life entirely without me even realising. to be honest i could obsess over like a rock on the ground if i saw it at the right time in my life but hands down persona 5 is one the best if not the best game ive ever played in my life. the story is engaging, the characters are distinctive and realistic and i really really care about all of them, the gameplay is so much fun and combat is buttery fucking smooth like nothing ive ever played before, the music is top tier and what got me interested in the game in the first place, and the ART DIRECTION. it speaks for itself to be honest ESPECIALLY compared to the older games. i was shocked starting persona 4 because of how different it is to persona 5 like, persona 5 has SUCH a distinct visual identity as well as tone, themes, imagery etc it is all just so stunning and perfect and i want to live in it. but i think about it so often like literally 24/7 that i may as well be. i <3 persona 5 and i <3 YUSUKE KITAGAWA. he's definitely my favourite character and he came out of NOWHERE but hes actually everything in the world to me. one of the characters ever.

persona 4 is it a copout to say that? i did try and condense both games into one bullet point but 1. they're such a mainstay in my life right now i was struggling to think of more points and 2. it kind of lost its precision and didn't effectively convey just how personapilled i am right now. i originally wasn't gonna play 4, all i knew is that it was more difficult and less good so i thought i should stay away. but if you go anywhere persona-related on the internet (which i would warn against, the fandom is a fucking cesspit the likes of which i havent seen in a long time as an obscure-shit-enjoyer) you'll quickly run into adachi. and as a lover of men with high-pitched voices and sexypedia entries... i couldn't stay away. before even starting the game i had made a d6 and d20 with different adachis on each face so really it was just a matter of time. and you know what... it's not that bad. the graphics were a SHOCKING step down but i find the low(er) poly style really charming. the adachi model is too cute T_T whenever i see it in the game world i just wanna sit with it for ages. i wonder if i could get it like 3d printed so i could keep him on my desk with me at all times... its bad for me ! the combat is fucking clunky espeically compared to 5 and i kind of hate it but that just makes it more rewarding when i can finally stop LOL. some of the characters (especially the main few (yosuke, chie, yukiko)) took a bit to grow on me but its kind of sweet.. its like authentic.. our relationship is growing as i get to know them better... but dojima and nanako ive loved since i first set eyes on them. too cute. it makes me feel so fatherless. its like.. a lot more magnetic than i expected it to be. i love it even with all its flaws. i saw a meme about it being like twin peaks and thats kind of so real. and you know i love a murder mystery... so yeah tldr i like persona now. but its hard to talk about it on here because it is such a big fandom but not like an active one like spiderman or like good omens or whatever slightly more normal people are watching so its kind of intimidating. maybe ill get over myself, maybe ill go silent for 3 months until i get into something new. we'll see i guess LOL

my gender identity TUMBLR MOMENT I KNOW but i dont know.. ive had a lot of time to myself recently and its kind of brought things to the surface that i just didnt have time or space to think about before. turns out there was a LOT OF STUFF i was repressing without even knowing. like that tweet 'im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn'. i posted on instagram "gender around cis people: boy, gender around trans people: girlboy, gender by myself: computer program" and that kind of sums it up i think. can i coin like.. complicatedgender. where your answer to the question "whats your gender?" is "it's complicated..." cause thats me. its just COMPLICATED okay!!!! but my pronouns havent changed or anything so its chilllllll

going to bed at a reasonable time. i phrased that like a joke answer but its true. i downloaded pokemon sleep and now i go to bed at 11:30pm cause at 11 i get a notification saying my pokemon are sleepy and shit i gotta take care of my pokemon!! i dont even know if its doing me any good to be honest like i dont feel much better when i wake up but making myself get into bed and shut my eyes means more thinking time and to be honest my favourite activity is thinking. even if as silly as it sounds i never give myself time to do it. its playing a weirdly big role in my life rn so yeah id say im obsessed with it!!!

this asmr video. im secretly always posting about asmr so really i could just say that, but like, ASMR | The Mortician (No Talking – You're Dead) specifically is such a mainstay i can feel its influence seeping into my life like an infection. this video would actually show up in my recommended for YEARS but i never watched it. gave me a major ick for some reason. but then i got into this guys stuff and saw it again and thought id give it a go and now its like an extra limb. fuck my 3rd bullet point, this is my gender identity. i could not articulate in words what it is about the mortician that i love so much, but i really really do. i am certifiably obsessed. cant believe i made it through this whole thing without mentioning alex. but there you are. yay this was fun :D

[asterias-corner]

gender is cringe🔥🔥🔥🔥

(this is a vent 🙁)

I’ve circled back to being trans/transmasc a lot over the past few years. But every time it changes, but i thought for sure this time around it’d stick- but I’m not going to expect myself to keep a label for awhile, I’m still exploring my identity, I’m still young. But i wish i still safely identified as transmasc, because at least then i had a goal for myself, now im not sure. I’m highly positive im agender, but im worried. The more indulge into being agender, i hate being perceived as anything gendered even more. Now its not just being referred to as female that making me upset, its being perceived as male too. Which sucks because being agender is something people are still trying to understand. It’s not like being genderfluid, or other common gender identities- it’s unique to each person, and for me, i don’t want to be man or woman, or both, i want to just exist, without being forced into stupid boxes because society wants me to be either a boy or a girl. I do get euphoria often, mostly when I’m playing video games. Anytime I’m on open mic, people have a hard time understanding if I’m a boy or a girl, but that’s just it. I’m not, I’m everything and nothing. That’s my response every single time. Although, I don’t want people to have to struggle to not gender me? Because we’ve all been raised that way… i think… you get the point. It feels like I’m burdening people by asking to not be referred to as male or female, because that’s what everyone is used too. But even then, i deserve respect, and it’s not selfish of me to want to be comfortable in my own body and identity.

[nicxxx5]

autistic mike wheeler headcanons

*IMPORTANT* i'm reposting this post because my original post of this is not showing up under the tags and i don't know why. i mean i have an idea but nothing to prove it so... anyways i'm reposting this with some edits to try and fix it. so if you come across an identical copy of this post from me..yeah..well...that's-that's why...anyways!

this is to go along with my autistic will byers headcanons post. just a reminder that this isn't an analysis and is instead my own personal headcanons for mike being autistic as an autistic individual myself

mike is touch adverse. he really dislikes people touching him unless their people he's lose to and in his case it's the party and occasionally nancy and holly

his special interest is dnd, star wars, and will's art. he loves to infodump with the party because they share his interests even if not to his extent. he loves infodumping to will though when will draws because sometimes will draws things based off mike's rambles and mike gets so excited about adding it to his binder

he hyperfixated on both el and eddie a little bit. when he was little mike also had a special interest in super heroes and el reminded him of super heroes with her powers so he became fixated/entranced by her. eddie was super into dnd and was basically everything that mike wanted to be; he expressed himself the way he wanted and didn't care, love dnd, acted confident. so he became super fixated on him and started to model himself after eddie because eddie to mike was both really cool and embraced mike's biggest special interest.

he's very hyperverbal. he often has so many thoughts and ideas that they're so overwhelming he needs to express them verbally in order to get them out and help his brain relax.

mike has verbal stim. he likes to click and roll his tongue to help him focus. he typically does this when he's alone because people have picked on him and he's been reprimanded by teachers for doing it at school so he's kind of shy about it

mike like's to stim by flapping his hands and jumping spinning in circles (separately). he also likes to verbal stim while doing this when he really feels like he has a lot of pent up energy

he's really bad at interpreting social cues and sarcasm. a lot of it just goes right over his head. when people try to explain it to him he just doesn't get it even when thinking back to the situation.

his difficulty with social cues causes people to sometimes get frustrated with him and he gets frustrated back because he doesn't understand what he did that they didn't like

growing up he also like to hold hands with will and he didn't understand why people gave them looks and why lonnie got really mad. he stopped mainly because of will getting bullied and he wanted to protect will

mike has a very limited number of safe foods and these safe foods change for him from time to time. more often than not though he does prefer crunchy foods to soft foods

when he has meltdowns he mostly wants to be left alone. everything is too much for him so he likes to be in a really dark room with no noise. he ends up verbal stimming and rocking to try and self sooth. he really hates people touching him during a meltdown or when he's over stimulated. will is able to talk to him though and is able to get yes and no answers out of mike sometimes and help him if his stims start to become self-harming

he has alexithymia. he struggles a lot, and i mean a lot, with recognizing his feelings.

even though mike is hyperverbal he does often struggle to verbalize his thoughts a lot of the time. often times he finds writing his thoughts helps to put together his ideas

he really hates the clothes his mom made him wear growing up. the tags were beyond painful and he would tell his mom this but she didn't understand what he was talking about so she didn't really listen. mike ended up bring his clothes to mrs. byers sometimes because she noticed how uncomfortable he was and offered to fix them

i feel like i could definitely keep going with this one but then i'll feel bad if this one is significantly longer than my will byers one. might come back to edit it in the future though. let me know your thoughts!

[makmalaon]

The Matriarchy

A matriarchy is any social system where women are dominant and tend to hold positions of power. 

For the last 2 years I’ve dreamed about living in a world where women were in charge. It began during the pandemic when I started reading about pre-colonial Philippines and consumed heavy amounts of cannabis daily alongside weekly doses of magic mushrooms. I often had vivid visions of what a modern matriarchy looked like after reading about how many societies in the Philippines were matriarchal or matrilineal in nature on top of being pro-lgbtq and doing world building exercises. 

What Do I Hope To Gain From A Matriarchal World?

I find gender limiting, especially masculinity. In a matriarchal world, gender wouldn’t be so rigid and people would be free to explore their identities more. The world would be somewhat more compassionate, equal and kinder in some ways. I’d want the world to be filled with more femboys, muscle bottoms, muscle mommies and submissive alpha male types.

I’m not under any impression that my life would change drastically under this ideal world but I know things would be marginally better for everyone. I know what it’s like to be surrounded by abusive women so I’m not delusional enough to think femmes can do no wrong. Most of the people in my family were abusive regardless of gender and everyone enabled all the predators. I’m queer, have ADHD, manage multiple chronic illnesses, spent the first few years of my life living in a 3rd world slum and I’ve been homeless for the last couple of years. Even in a matriarchal world, things wouldn’t be in my favor and inequality will exist in some capacity.

If I was the exact same person in this utopian society, then I know that the world would still discriminate against me because it would be rife with ableists, classists, racists and people would find newer ways to hate others because prejudices are bred out of ego and they are the most common way people manifest that. People would still have a need to gain power and control over others which will result in awful behaviors. 

How Would People Benefit From This World?

In this ideal world people would be free to pursue things outside of the current gender norms. Although inequality would still exist, the world would be more of a meritocracy and there would be less systemic issues oppressing people. Men would still be free to be strong warrior types or to be meek house husbands with little to no judgment. Women and queer people can be whatever they want to be rather than being forced into fixed roles. 

How Are You Building This World and How Can Others Work Towards This Goal?

There’s nothing special about me. For all intents and purposes, I’m just a mentally ill and highly traumatized person dealing with a slew of chronic health conditions. Most of the worst things you could imagine happening to a person already happened to me. I’m on the verge of being homeless. I have no real power or social status. I’ve been struggling with gender dysphoria for over 5 years and I’m not in a healthy place to start gender affirming care anytime soon. I envision myself acting the way I would if the world was already a matriarchy. I do my best to not be a misogynistic asshole. I try to uplift women and queer people in small ways. I give what little I can to people and especially women or queer people in need. 

I have a tough time taking care of myself due to struggling with depression for most of my life, dealing with extreme poverty, severe gender dysphoria and I have severe executive dysfunction due to me being unmedicated while having ADHD. 

I’m an average person who’s down on their luck. I have a personality that isn’t palpable to the average person. I view everything as a comedic bit. I have a laundry list of goals I want to accomplish before starting HRT which most people would consider stupid like making millions off a crypto shit coin scheme, blasting steroids then entering a bodybuilding competition, becoming a professional Muay Thai fighter, making millions off internet marketing by creating an online course, starting a penis enlargement company in Asia, becoming a top 10 “male” pornstar on the hub, becoming a NYT bestselling author, creating my own religion, making social media content for millions of so-called normal people, and a slew of other nonsensical objectives. I don’t believe I’ll accomplish even a fraction of these things given my life trajectory but that won’t stop me from trying. 

I don’t expect other people to join me or share my vision. For things to work, there can be no organization, movement or anything resembling that and giving it any other name won’t work because it will get co-opted or commercialized. It’s a feeling and way of life that’s as natural as breathing the same way most people don’t even think about the patriarchy or any of the systemic issues they face. 

Every thought and belief is harmful because somebody on the planet will be hurt by anything and it will always create an opposing viewpoint. People will always try to pick it apart no matter how well intentioned or sound the logic behind it is and everything can be used to abuse someone. 

The matriarchy is spiritual in nature. A state where one exists as they are free from thoughts, beliefs and ideals. It’s a feeling of oneness with the universe itself where people act in line with their values without any thoughts and act without any expectations. It’s similar to enlightenment or “samadhi” but most of the spiritual practices to get there are biased towards men, and cisgendered neurotypical people so it differs from those two concepts in that it erases gender while acknowledging the way the world is. 

There are multiple ways to achieve this state and that’s through yoga, meditation, austerity, service to others, taking care of the planet, mastery of a craft, devotion to a deity or oneself, discipline and complete renunciation of everything. There’s no one true path to get there and somebody can choose more than one method. Ultimately people have to figure this out for themselves.  

I am not the spokesperson, leader or creator of the matriarchy. I’m just a person living it out. If you project any sort of expectations onto me whether they’re positive or negative then you’ll be disappointed. I’ve devoted myself to the left hand path and my way of dealing with my problems are unconventional and disagreeable with the average person. 

I’m fortunate to live in a woke country like Canada where something like this is easier to live out but I realize there’s still so much work that needs to be done, both within myself and to the world around me. The work never ends and it would take a plethora of lifetimes before something like this materializes in any meaningful capacity. Believers of the matriarchy exist in all walks of life. It’s not something that ever needs to be discussed, debated or turned into an organization. I hope to live these beliefs through publishing content online, writing books, creating yoga or meditation programs and overall just living out these beliefs without any expectations of receiving anything back. 

Conclusion

There is no matriarchy. It’s not a thought, belief, movement, organization, social media trend, or idea. It’s action without expectation where one lives their values without expectations, thought, or hesitation. This matriarchal world may not exist worldwide but you can create it in your friend circles, workplaces, families, relationships, and local communities.

[engiiiiiii]

I really want to analyse why I loved kidnapping fantasys. it's not the first time I've mentioned them, but y'know, it's certainly interesting... (maybe too interesting)

like I remember one time when I was a kid, and I had my best friends older brother take me to this zone so I could be rescued by my friend group. kids games y'know. my favourite part of flags was the capture part I guess lol (is that game as universal as dodgeball?) I also loved movies like bolt, frozen, and astroboy. the part I loved? the being rescued part, being almost destroyed, and having someone help me come back. it ties into care, and I honestly avoided all romantic situtations for most of my life (this will be relevant give me some time). I didn't want and still dont want people to love this body. I'm pansexual, panromantic too, so I didn't have a barrier or anything. I see half of it as gender, bc my body issues weren't that bad. I thought I had to be mature enough in order to start dating, but nobody gave me a spark, I didn't have any crushes. I was jealous of this one girl for being perfect at everything, but didn't I just want that? That wasn't crushing - that was just jealousy. She's transphobic and the epitome of a mean girl now (and even then) anyway. Maybe it was that my gender just didn't feel comfortable, I couldn't love someone in a body that I didn't own.

I also want to touch on my emotional state for a bit. I had very expressive emotions - however lots of trauma, most self-afflicted, caused me to kinda become a husk of a person. which I'm still dealing with... Y'know why Omori is my favourite game? Because that is me. Everything about that game was me when I played, a 16yo violinist struggling with mental illness, completely dissasociating. I saw myself in Sunny, if not weirdly identical (I had even just moved houses lol). However - Basil was the real child me. In a way - the real me that I had forced out. Emotionally vulnerable, wanting to love, being too weak to do anything, and enjoying it. It's a healthy dynamic - that was bullied out of me. By myself and others. I now have got that child me back - I lost about 8 years of my life, but I'm finally back. it hurts to leave those years, it's almost my whole memory. Death, probably growing up too quickly for my own sake, and progressively getting so ill that I'd experience paranoia and dpdr. And y'know queerness is tied into that. I now have a self to exist in. A name (maya!), identity, wants, people I look up to, and a future. I can date freely, I finally understand my sexuality, which took 14-15 years if I'm being honest. But what if the right never took me? I'd probably have figured out myself at 11-12. I'd have been nonbinary. I always have been. I've always wanted to be - I didn't know and understand the word. I want those years back!!

and now... I'm back to why these fantasies engaged child me so obsessively. I wanted a way out, to have someone who would care for me. I never felt that from my parents - I didn't understand love until years later. it all ties together. we so often know our kind is best as dead to those around us. I also needed everything to go so wrong - so I could stop feeling guilty, so someone could finally look at me and help me. I lost my identity as I hated myself, I avoided myself, I had zero thoughts. now I know who I am, (even if dpdr isnt helping with that rn!!!) I don't need a fantasy to exist to be loved.

[anthraxplus]

the cultural phenomenon of barbenheimer has taken over my mind

i did barbenheimer with a friend yesterday and it really got me thinking.

first off - it was so weird having my local theatre be so busy. it's usually the theatre you can bet on being able to sneak anything into, and while we still definitely did sneak in a buttload of snacks, they had people actively waiting in the wings as ticket checkers. so it kinda sucked that we couldn't just do the whole thing for free. but that's a bit beside the point. the theatre was the busiest ive seen it in nearly 10 years. and i'm not gonna lie, seeing a "cultural event" happen in front of me was more jarring for that reason. and as the day went on, that image in my head stuck with me. the image that all these people showed up to watch barbie and oppenheimer.

we saw oppenheimer first, in a nearly empty theatre. we sorta did this by design - we started at 10am and picked oppenheimer first because less people would choose to be that insane. i was high and trying to get myself into an impartial mindset (even though i didn't think i would end up liking it). and i think all i should really say about oppenheimer is that it's 3 nearly endless hours that doesnt give anyone any time to breathe and ends up saying a bunch of confusing, disappointing, and outright false things. seriously, the amount of times the movie brushes off the fucking truth of the situation is absolutely disgusting. obligatory linking of shaun's video on hiroshima and nagasaki. i think everyone in the movie should be forced to answer why theyre proud of making 3 hour bland ass shit boring nuclear bomb apologia. this isn't even getting into how the famous oppenheimer quote is introduced by a manic pixie dream girl (who in reality was a stanford graduate and psychiatrist, neither of which i believe are ever touched on or expanded in the film) who hops off his dick mid-fuck, walks over to a bookshelf, picks the bhagavad gita off the shelf, opens it to the exact page and verse of the famous quote, asks him to read, and slides back on his dick between "now i am become death" and "destroyer of worlds." this movie released to critical acclaim. some are calling it a masterpiece.

after some burritos for lunch, my friend and i went to barbie. this was a packed theatre and mostly everyone was wearing pink. the red in my hair has faded to a pink, so i felt like i was part of something. kinda. anyway. some little kids were loud in the front but it wasnt much of an issue. i kept thinking of them whenever the movie would say something about the struggle to find identity in a world that hates you no matter what you do. did those little children listen to margot robbie say that she doesnt have a vagina? did they parse that? it was a great movie, if a bit scattershot. it shouldve been longer, if only to fully flesh out a couple ideas and help the movie feel a little less cramped. but they would never make a 2.5 (let alone 3) hour barbie movie that talks about not just what it means to be a woman, but what it means to be human in a world that is so often contradictory hostile and praising of you. what happens when the Other we defined ourselves by isn't static? do we become different as well in relation to them? do we stay the same? do we do both? what are women supposed to do in the world when everything they do is wrong but they're never allowed to stop doing anything? how do men develop their own identity when they are so often raised into mindsets where their individuality is replaced by similarly contradictory standards and a definition that only exists in relation to women? what did ken mean when he said he had "all the genitals?" barbie is far from perfect, but it manages to ask more honest and thought provoking questions (and offers its own interesting answers) about the nature of reality than oppenheimer does.

i'm struck by the dichotomy on display here. barbie may be the more financially successful of the two films, but it is not treated the same critically. for all barbie says, it seems to get overlooked for its (still impressive) design and acting. its metacommentary is mentioned but never discussed. its "witty meta humor" is listed as a huge selling point. oppenheimer, in contrast, is a vain and shallow film that says nothing and looks somewhat cool doing it. i wonder if there are any parallels here.

i worry for what this means for movies. a nearly empty theatre for a self-important movie that lists itself as its reason for existing is treated as if it says anything at all, and a packed theatre for a movie with a script similarly packed with commentary on our very state of being gets boiled down to "cute sets and witty banter." what did the audience members take from their barbenheimer experience? my area is not very progressive, and in my experience not very invested in growth of any kind. when america ferrera delivers one of the many theses of barbie in a tear-inducing frustrated monologue on how she's never seen as good enough no matter what she does, did the audience members feel seen? did they feel understood? or did they want her to stop talking so they could go back to looking at the cool barbie dream houses? when oppenheimer breezes through the discussion of which innocent cities to burn in an unholy fire with all the tact and deliberation a group of friends has when deciding where to have lunch, did the audience feel slighted? disgusted? or did they just want to see einstein on screen again like he's an iron man cameo?

i dont know where we go from here. it feels like a tipping point for what we want from movies, and i'm not sure audiences learned anything from the past 10 to 15 years of set-ups, tie-ins, and spin-offs. i want to believe something will come of the fact that so many people are seeing barbie. maybe, hopefully, something in it sticks with people and inspires some sort of change. just the smallest amount of evolution. right now i too feel like barbie when she sits in a park and looks around at everything the human experience has to offer, and starts crying from both joy and sorrow. a woman who is so often seen as disposable and empty understands the human condition in a way she cant express, and is overwhelmed by the crushing beauty and fragility it all rests upon. she is a human before she knows she is. she doesnt know who she is, but she knows she still Is. existence is confusing and no one knows what to do about it, and the least we could do is support each other as we figure out who we've always been. i hope this is what sticks with people instead of some half-audible dialogue about how hiroshima and nagasaki were justified. time will tell, though.