#there are often times when i hate myself for everything. my struggles. my identity. everything about me

[ladyhavilliard]

i've long understood why representation is important but i don't think I actually felt for myself how important it can be until reading loveless and watching Isaac's journey in heartstopper this year... My best friend is ace, but we have very different opinions/feelings/experiences/whatever when it comes to this. I have known about the aro/ace spectrums for so long. And yet knowing and actually seeing/reading someone go through a similiar experience resonates with you unlike anything else.

[kavumas-blog]

A Plea for Hope: Surviving as an LGBTQ Refugee

Ever since I was forced to flee my home country because of my sexuality, life has been a relentless struggle. What once was home—full of laughter, shared meals, and a sense of belonging—was turned into a place of fear and persecution. My identity, something I could never change, became a reason for rejection, violence, and the unimaginable pain of losing everything.

Today, I find myself far from home, fighting to survive. Each day is a challenge—finding enough food to eat, clean water to drink, a safe place to rest, and access to basic medication. Hunger gnaws at me constantly, but the ache of loneliness cuts even deeper.

As LGBTQ people, we are often told that we are a family, that we are each other's strength when the world turns its back. I am reaching out to that family now. My LGBTQ brothers and sisters, this is my plea: I need help.

No one should have to face hunger, homelessness, or the terror of being unsafe simply for existing. I know that many of us have endured hardships, and some may still be walking through fire. Yet, I hold onto hope that compassion, kindness, and solidarity can carry us through.

If you are reading this and you understand the pain of being rejected for who you are, know that I see you. And if you have the ability to help—whether by sharing this story, offering resources, or simply sending words of encouragement—please do.

This isn’t just about me; it’s about all of us. Our strength as a community lies in how we care for one another, even in the darkest times.

To those who are struggling like I am: Hold on. I see you. I love you. And to those who can help, thank you for being the light someone desperately needs today.

Together, we can make survival possible. Together, we can remind each other that love—our love—will always be stronger than hate.

[leidensygdom]

The ways in which being asexual feels isolating

I've been pondering whether to post this or not, but I figured out I wanted to explain a bit of this experience.

So, I could go on a very long tangent on how being asexual is usually a lonely experience, and how much I've been otherized here and there- Specially in real life. How the same people that claimed to be queer (or allies) had been much weirder about my asexuality than they were about me being bi/pan or whatever.

But I think I wanna talk about how something like that bleeds in every aspect of socializing, even down to something like fandom. I stay away from fandom usually- I like to look at cool fanart and that's about it. I hate discourse, I hate drama, I hate reading people getting worked up because they're treating fanon as canon. But there's one thing I've noticed, over and over, that just sends me off my rails.

And it's how fandom tends to treat asexuality (or aromanticism). So, you get a character in some piece of media that explicitly, unequivocally, states they're either ace, aro, or both. "I do not have interest in a partner", "I don't desire to have sex nor do I enjoy the topic", whatever. And as an ace person, I do appreciate being able to see myself in media- There isn't many chases where something is established that bluntly.

Now, you decide you want to check some fanart for that. Fandoms have this tendency to make absolutely everything about shipping, even when the media they're basing it in does not revolve about that (and it's annoying, because a lot of times people aren't interested in the actual themes- It's all reduced to shipping). Suddenly, you notice people treating the aforementioned character as anything but aro or ace. It's all about shipping. "This person interacted with this other person in a way two friends would, but we gotta make this their entire personality now". Some people may instead go for "well, maybe the character is not having sex, but they're probably an absolute freak about it, studies it extensively, has encyclopedic knowledge about it-"

Now, there's of course sex-favourable aces, and that's completely valid, but it's already straying from what, canonically, the character had mentioned. Asexual or aromantic characters aren't really allowed to exist as themselves. People often see them as a blank slate to fill, to change, to fix. I could talk forever about how people react to real life aces like that. I've had people asking me incredibly invasive questions because they saw my lack of sexual attraction as something broken, something they could fix.

And I hate that! I think I'm allowed to say that I hate that! It's hard and unusual for media to cement an aro/ace character, because they're defined by the lack of interest for something, which is often hard to show. But when it does- No one seems to care. It's all shipping, it's all "well, he's gay in denial", "well, she's probably super repressed". If you took a canonically gay character and made them straight on a fanfic, you'd get angry people. Which is bound to happen when you erase representation that people identify with. But aro/ace characters are NOT even seen as queer, they're not even seen as "representation" by most people. You can erase that bit of it, put some god awful shipping on top, and people will applaud you. And it sucks!

I wish people would see being aro or ace as an identity worth respecting, not an identity that needs overwriting. It feels a bit too close to how people often treat aro/aces irl, and it sucks. It reeks of this sort of exclusionism, where "aro/aces are technically queer but it's queer lite at best, it's less interesting than being gay, and we kinda don't want them near us anyhow". Again, I've had far worse experiences about being ace than I have about not being straight.

Sorry if the post got long, but I hope this experience may at least resonate with other people who have been struggling with this, too. It has always felt just kind of lonely to be ace, and see how little people do even consider it an identity, even when it comes down to something like fandom.

[creatingblackcharacters]

hi ice! im sorry that you're dealing with other stresses, please don't feel any pressure to answer this quickly or anything.

im wondering if you have any advice for a Black person overcoming a lot of internalized anti-Blackness? especially pertaining to feeling like a disappointment specifically for being Black (i struggle with feeling like i will ever be attractive to a partner because of it, even if theyre also Black), and presenting in a way that makes me happy (i want to grow out an afro but i get afraid of looking "too Black", same with wearing my durag and similar things). also are there any books that you would recommend for working through that, or even just learning about Black history (reading often helps me to logic myself out of negative thought patterns and feel inspired)?

thank you! sorry if this ask is too complicated/encompasses too much

Hi! Well first, I am sorry that you've lived a life and in a world that reinforces you to hate yourself. You do not deserve that, and I'm proud of you for asking for more, and I hope you one day live a life where you love yourself and recognize how much you deserve.

If it's okay, in addition to some resources, I could give you some pointers that I gained from my own life experience unlearning internalized antiblackness. It's not an easy or short process, and there's plenty of hard truths and happy truths. I am not the sweetest advice giver either, but I promise I mean well:

1. Release the Shackles of Respectability Politics!

I was already starting to really grow into my Black identity by undergrad (my family had at least tried to help me get there through my childhood) but what really cinched it for me was the state murder of Sandra Bland. Sandra Bland was everything "right"- multiple degrees, pretty, educated, in a historically Black sorority, a college educator, a woman who spoke up for justice. Respected in her community! She was everything I thought I was supposed to be!

And the police still captured her, beat her, and murdered her in her jail cell (and lied about it, and potentially posted a picture of her dead body as her mugshot) for the audacity to question them. She's still dead! She still wasn't "good" enough to live!

No amount of being a "good, well-behaved" Black will save you in a society where being Black itself is deemed a sin. So every time you get a thought where "this isn't what society wants" or "I'm embarrassed" or "if I do this, I'll look like a bad-" cut it off! Fuck em! IT'S NOT TRUE! Recognize that you could be the finest, richest person on the street and you'd still be just a n***a in many people's eyes. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Point blank. They don't like you for your racial identity. They can be racist to Barack Obama and Beyonce, and they sure can be racist to you lmao.

It's not about you, you are not the problem! James Baldwin himself once said that racism is the white man's problem. It's not your responsibility to make them "like" you and "not be disappointed", it's their responsibility to respect you as a human being regardless!

2. Take Back Your Autonomy

This ties into the first one. Let's all thank Lil Nas X for this one, bc he did for my bisexuality what I had to do on my own for my Blackness. 🙏🏾

If they hate you anyway, you might as well be your most authentic self 🤷🏾‍♀️

Don't die disappointed because you wanted to reach white acceptance. Don't do it. If they're gonna hate you suppressed, they might as well hate you out loud 🤷🏾‍♀️ it's your life! It's why I don't shut up about racism lmao. You already hated me, now we'll both be uncomfortable and imma speak 🤷🏾‍♀️

So when you wear that durag, or wear your afro, recognize that 1) there are people just like you who love how you look because you look like them, 2) you should love how you look period because you're who matters, and 3) the day I receive a check with an undisclosed amount of reparations on it is the day I'll sit and discuss allowing whiteness to designate how the fuck I'm suppose to wear my hair lmao (and the answer will still be no). 😤

3. Accept that you're worth it

It's going to be hard. Even by wearing your afro, your own natural hair, you are making a statement of pride in your Blackness, and everyone won't understand or respect that. That was one of my first steps in high school, was cutting off all my permed hair and loving my afro. I had to write affirmations that I read daily to love myself, I was so scared. But it was worth it. My hair is healthy and happy. I had to learn brown skin was beautiful. But once I did, I couldn't stop fawning over it, on myself and others.

There are people who live their lives told by society they are perfect. Why do they get to think they're beautiful, and you don't? They're not better than you, yet they can tell you that you should hate yourself. What gives them the right? Who do they think they are? Fight back! Accept that the fight is hard, but you're worth it! Your Blackness is beautiful, and it fought hard as fuck to make it this far- honor that by honoring yourself!

4. Find some community; dive deep into Blackness

This one is self explanatory. You're gonna have to be around Black people that love themselves. Surround yourself with it. Find things they do that you like. Learn to find love in it. It could be creative, political, hell even finding a hairstyles group that shows cute ways to wear your hair. That can be a way to grow more confident and try new things. (All skinfolk ain't kinfolk though, so be aware.) But being around Black people, who care about the same things you care about, and make you feel heard, will help break that... Mind space where you feel alone and wrong. Trust, if I didn't have other Black people on this site, I would go mad from people gaslighting me that the racism I was seeing wasn't real. You need some more of us around you that reinforce your love for us, and yourself.

Here is a long paper discussing internalized antiblackness; you said you like to read lol. It admittedly focuses on Black women, BUT it might also help to use the sources that they cite to go on your own journey regardless! You could also just surround yourself with bloggers and beautiful poems and Black creations. There's beauty in all of it, you gotta let yourself find it.

I hope this helps 🙏🏾

[tackletofset]

If I had to choose one word to describe "Dark Heir," it would be 'OTHERWORLDLY.'

[There will be NO SPOILERS in this Review, only vague hints]

“Critiquing the idea of a classic hero and a reclaiming of the queer villain”

These words are written under the blurb of the very ARC. Sadly, most people are still missing the point.

Dark Rise is my true love in the form of a book series. 

As a queer person who grew up sympathizing with villains (who are often queer-coded), this book series undoubtedly serves as a great form of escapism. I feel seen and understood. I found a home here.

Reading Dark Heir was a surreal experience, almost like a sudden storm hitting me all at once. It was like being pulled into a whirlwind. It is everything I could ever wish for!!!

I devoured this book in just TWO DAYS, which is unexpected given my typically SLOW reading pace. It's worth noting that Dark Heir is considerably longer than Dark Rise (with Dark Rise comprising 34 chapters and Dark Heir containing 51). It is also fueled by my eagerness to continue the story after a two-year wait, particularly following that cliffhanger!

Will has always been my favourite character since "Dark Rise," and this sequel only amplifies it. I perceive his struggles with the truth of his identity, as a metaphor for internalized queerphobia. Many queer youth, including myself, have been told that our queerness is evil and abhorrent, leading us to hide and deny our true selves in the pursuit of acceptance from others. Will's yearning for his friends' acceptance, especially from Violet, his best friend.

Many of us would be delighted to see that James has POV chapters in this book! It's great to see his perspective on not only his feelings about Will or Sarcean but also about his family history.

I'm equally excited about introducing the new character, Visander, and I'm thrilled that he can be interpreted as trans. Knowing that CS Pacat identifies as genderqueer/non-binary, I would like to see him writing more trans-coded characters. Visander is a character who fascinates me, as there are times when he can be both lovable and yet totally frustrates me.

Praise Pacat (again), who has been so generous to give us the “Surprise POVs” which made me scream and jump up and down at 2 a.m.

I seriously love the parts where we got to explore more of the Old World. The twists within them are both surprising and, in a way, expected. I've always held the belief that history was written by the victors, and as a result, the truth about the Dark King and the Betrayer was also lost in time. It was also very gratifying to see that the characters that were once hailed as the paragons of virtue were not so saint-like after all.

I hate classic heroes. I despise them and I won't even try to hide it.

Doubtlessly, the Old World chapters are my favourites. And I yearn to have even more of them in Book 3 because I want to know more details about how Sarcean came to power- and his downfall, and the full truth about his relationship with Anharion! I wouldn't mind the book stretching to 60+ chapters to accommodate it.

Pacat has indeed delivered on his promises to infuse this sequel with even more "on-page gay" content, so readers need not fret about the shortage of romance. They are plentiful, to say the least.

Now, returning to my initial point:

!!!Dark Rise is not a story about escaping an abusive male partner!!!

While numerous stories tackle this theme, and it is worth telling, this is not one of them.

This is a story about queer people reclaiming their identities. It speaks to those who have been vilified, demonized, alienated, and even disowned from a young age by the very individuals who should have shielded them—their parents and guardians.

They are continuously taught that their queerness is immoral, abhorrent, and despicable, leading them to believe they must conceal and deny their true selves, often feeling as though they are harbingers of evil and thus destined for condemnation. It sheds light on how queer youths grapple with internalized queerphobia due to an environment that refuses to accept them for who they are.

The accusations hurled at the "villainous figures" within this story mirror the stigma that the bigoted society frequently directs at queer individuals: that we’re lewd, vulgar degenerates, disease-spreaders and a danger to children. 

Dark Rise and Dark Heir underscores our society’s twisted morality that the only available paths for queer individuals are either to deny their queerness or face the gravest consequences. In other words: be converted or unalived.

For those of us who have been demonized and alienated by the people who were supposed to protect us—we are not evil. We do not deserve the abuse directed at us, and it is not our fault. There is nothing wrong with us. We deserve happiness, love, safety, and acceptance.

We should all be unapologetic and unafraid of our true selves, like James.

And oH MY GOD. THAT ENDING!!! You think the prologue was crazy??? You wouldn’t LIVE to see that ending.

I have fantasized about *that* final line before, but I thought it was cheesy and that it might be something more like Prince Gambit's "The King! Damianos! He lives!" but it was not like that at all 🤣🤣🤣

It's my dream cheesy line 💜💜💜

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling someone I wasn't their bully 100% of the time

Hey so I was a shitty kid and i willbe TA for most of the story. However the ambiguous non-ending spins around my head nonstop

! In high-school I met a friend, Lacy (mtf) who had recently come out. We bonded over mutual Fandoms and shared classes and ended up pooling friends. I was already tight friends with one other girl we can call Sam. Sam went to another school but me and her had been best friends for many years and talked constantly online. After spending a lot of time with Lacy, and with L and S in a group, I started to get a little crush. Me and Lacy had this habit of passing comic notes to eachother between classes and they were just so fun. Anyways I ended up passing them one asking them out and she agreed. We talked about it casually after and I kept the note. In the background, me and Sam talk constantly about Lacy. Outside of school, online, Lacy often goes on long rants and tangents and caps it off being painfully self depreciating and insinuating self harm. I honestly don't hold that against her too much, given how young we were and how much stuff was going on. Very quickly I realize this tiny crush evaporates in the heat of her stomping rants. My gut sinks when Lacy mentions we are dating. It's been less than a day. Sam messages me immediately and I make the terrible snap decision to lie. I lie about it and I have the evidence so my version becomes correct. I tell Sam I didn't *really* ask Lacy out, blah blah. The lie doesn't end. Lacy has an explosive breakdown about it, well warranted, and I lie to adults and school administrators as well. We were friends, I guess she got too attached, we talk all the time but no. I never asked her to date. Papers signed, case closed. Lacy blocks me everywhere. The year ends. I resign to never speaking to her, as the unquestioned bully in this situation I wouldn't have the right to approach her about it. I think I send one anon ask completely unrelated to her or our lives, then block her back as is only fair.

Short hop forwards a month or two. Sam sends me a message about an update to Lacys blog. Lacy is otherkin and Sam is laughing at the kin list, sending anon messages mocking Lacy about the choices and identity. Very unfamiliar with otherkin but struggling with gender thoughts myself I don't respond much.

Fast forward a few years. Me and Sam don't talk much now. I got a boyfriend and couldn't help love how much he ignored me. Everything else fell through cracks. Working at my restaurant job one day, who else comes in but Lacy. We are very busy, I try to be quick, don't make eye contact. "Party of....for Lacy?" She nods. The lobby is full so they walk out the door and never come back. Later when my shift is over I unblock and check her blog. She's made a post saying I was her abuser and had sent her constant anon hate since bullying her in hs. Checking her ask tag I see Sam on anon sends 3-6 hate messages a year. I do nothing and leave everyone be and move on.

Another 3 years goes by. Sam reaches out. She's terminally ill, and we speak stiffly for a few IMs. I don't forgive myself for leaving her and decide it's best we don't keep talking. Another few years and Sam passes. Our old friends go through Sam's papers and pc files reminiscing and find pages and pages of shared chat logs between me L and S. It really was a harsh reminder of how cruel I had been, speaking behind Lacys back and lying. I don't doubt I caused her lasting trauma with my actions.

Part of me wanted to reach out to Lacy and apologize, explaining myself and the misunderstanding and clearing the lie not because I wanted to feel absolved I just that it's finally done now. But it feels so cruel to do it when 1. As the original bully it's still not my place to seek closure 2. I can't just toss my friends corpse under this bus for no reason.

It's soon a decade since we all left school so the time seems well past. I just can't stop thinking about all the mistakes. And there seems no reason to bring it all up after all Sam can't say anything about it anymore and nobody is hurt believing i said these things. So, AITA for not telling Lacy it wasn't me bullying her most of the time?

What are these acronyms?

[mitzymossy33]

Jinx is my comfort character, here’s why;

So, ima be real with y’all for a second , I’m nit someone who likes to go on and on about trauma and dump my issues into other people, but I feel the need to post this, before we start, TW for mental illness, SA, childhood trauma, etc. Read at your own risk. So, Jinx, is my comfort character, and you may be asking why? While I don’t have schizophrenia or schitzo-affective disorder or anything else that would enable me to have hallucinations, Unless you account taking 12 melatonin gummies in one night, (I did that ONE time, ONE, okay?). But anyways, enough with the jokes, while I personally don’t have hallucinations, my mom did. A little backstory, my mom has pretty severe mental issues stemming from lots of childhood trauma, first off, SA, her dad left, she started smoking and doing drugs at like 11, got sent to a CATHOLIC boarding school labeled for troubled girls in the 80s-90s (you can tell how that went down) and whole lot of other stuff. Anyways, yeah, a lot. That’s why I feel for Jinx so much, her hallucinations, where erratic behavior, everything, because it feels so real, I’ve seen a bit of discussion on whether or not Jinx is a good representation f mental illness and I have to advocate for yes, I’ve seen first-hand what mental illness and trauma can do to a person, and it is not pretty. I remember days when I my mom used to hold me and ‘I can’t see you, I can’t see you’ and at the time I didn’t think much of it, but now that I understand what she went through, my stomach churns thinking about it. Most of my life my face probably looked distorted to her, even my dad’s did. Imagine a world where you can’t see the faces of your loved ones. Anyways, I appreciate the realism of Jinx, the delusions, the hallucinations, the mood swings, the impulsivity, everything, it’s just portrayed so tastefully and I could not be more grateful, with a lot of ‘crazy characters’ for example Harley Quin in the Birds of Prey movie, well, yes, she’s supposed to be crazy, she lacks actual mental illness, or it’s just played for laughs. It feels shallow. Watch a few Harley Quin scenes where she’s supposed to be acting unstable and you’ll see what I mean. The problem with the manic pixie dream girl, is that she lacks, well, mania. With Jinx, we see that, we don’t just see ‘oh haha crazy=funny=sexy’ we see her struggle, it’s scary, terrifying, all the other characters have to walk on eggshells often so she doesn’t go off the rails, like in the dinner scene, they all know one wrong move and someone ends up dead, and someone did. She flinches and reacts at hallucinations, which to others may seem odd, but it was the same with my mother, she would always grunt and put her arms up in a defensive position, reliving that pain, and that trauma over and over again. It’s genuinely sad, but unfortunately, you can’t just have someone be fixed, it’s a tragic reality, and that’s why Jinx’s behavior feels like a lunch in the gut.

Another thing is Jinx’s identity thing, and while my mom didn’t start going by a new name, I personally relate to it, you see, because of my mom’s mental illness, and me being homeschool by her until sixth grade, it caused me to not have the best childhood myself. After I got out, and started processing and realizing what happened, I wanted to escape, I did this through maladaptive daydreaming, escaping into my own world where I was a new person, free of of what happened, someone who went through much worse and still came out on top, and that gave me comfort, because if she could do it, why couldn’t I? Anyways, at my worst in my mental health, this got taken to a new extreme, I started hating my birth name, wanting to separate myself from it and be a new person entirely, I went Cass, Cassie, Cassandra, and Moss, until I settled on Mossy. It was my way of reclaiming my freedom, saying that I wasn’t that same little girl who was so isolated that covid felt like nothing changed. That I wasn’t that little girl who had to listen as my mom had mental breakdowns, as my parents relentlessly fought, as my mom shook me and told me god’s an A-hole. It was a separation of identity, kill the past, embrace the future. And while I don’t hate my birth name anymore, I still choose to go by Mossy online for sake of privacy, as well as it just being my nickname. I feel the need for freedom from the Jinx and Powder thing. I love how realistic Jinx is, and I can only wish for her to have a happy ending, even though that is extremely unlikely. But, if you stuck it out this far, thank you for sticking around and I hope you didn’t mind my bit of trauma-dumping, just really wanted to pour my personal views and experiences into the amazing show that is Arcane!

Anyways, I hope you like my analysis, I wanted to go more in depth, but my memory was fogging up due to my brain blocking out what happened. Maybe I’ll edit this or update it somewhere in the future, but for now, this is what I got.

[reimeichan]

hi!! I'm curious about how your system works - what does it mean to you to be fully fused, but also operating as multiple/as alters? (as I've seen from your posts, so correct me if I'm wrong!)

is it similar to how functional multiplicity is generally understood? is it more being able to work in harmony, while maintaining an individual identity? something else entirely?

thank you!

So historically, I've used the term "functional multiplicity" to encompass a pretty wide spectrum of my own experiences, from "I'm definitely still experiencing a lot of daily dissociation and my system is still very divided but I have strong coping skills and resources to manage it that I no longer am struggling and in fact am thriving despite all that" to "I am so incredibly fully integrated with every single part of me that I'm more or less a single identity, but I can still identify and even interface with the world as specific individual parts". And that latter one is more or less what I'd also call final fusion.

When I'm in a fully fused state, I feel connected to and in sync with all the other parts of me. It doesn't even really feel like "working together" because that implies we're putting in effort to communicate, it's more like we're all of the same mind and everything is automatic. I've used an analogy of comparing my experiences to individual atoms of water connected to each other all flowing together in the same direction without interruption, and that's still pretty akin to how I feel.

However, if I dig in deeper, I can definitely still see the individual parts of me, and I like being able to still notice these parts of me and honor their existence. Sometimes the me who interacts with the world is more Green-coded, so I'll tell everyone "hey guys I'm Green", while also knowing that just because I'm acting very Green-like doesn't mean I'm not also Cyan and Purple and Gray and everyone at the same time. Sometimes I will purposefully dig into my psyche to interact with the various versions of me internally to better understand myself.

I guess for me, once I hit a certain point of "functional multiplicity", the jump to "final fusion" was really more of a perspective shift than necessarily doing any more further integration. Do I see myself as various alters working together? Are these things that I'm experiencing something from another alter or do I accept that it's all me? And I regularly will go from one perspective to the other that FM and FF basically are two sides of the same coin for me and it's why I actually kind of hate using those terms for my own experiences. People often talk about FM and FF as if they're wholey separate end goals that you cannot possibly achieve at the same time, and that's likely due to the strict ISSTD guidelines for how FF is defined (which, in turn, is due to how narrowly Kluft defines Final Fusion). I honestly find this framework limiting as it doesn't allow for or encompass all the possible ways integration in DID can look. For me, I prefer to call it "full integration" - because at the end of the day, the divide between FM and FF feels so arbitrary to me that trying to pin myself as one or the other would actually do my experiences a disservice, and I feel like "full integration" encompasses both FF and FM experiences while also filling in that nebulous ill-defined middle area.

Trying to explain my internal experiences is kind of difficult so I hope that helped a little, anon!

[roshambo05]

(TW: Mentions of ableism)

A few months back, my little sister and I started watching ROTTMNT together. While we had many reasons for our sudden interest, it was mainly due to the high praises from fans for its stellar autism representation. I myself am autistic, and my sister, a sucker for a good cartoon and my biggest supporter in more ways than one, was just as enthusiastic as me if not more so to see if the show lived up to the hype.

For a little background, Rise's version of Donatello is canonically autistic. And honestly, it was incredible representation. Watching the show with my sister, I was shocked by how often I was able to relate to Donnie. His sensory moments, difficulties with conveying emotion, his touch aversion, even little things like his use of sign, it all hit so close to home that it was almost scary. But what really hit me the hardest was the movie (spoilers btw).

Near the end of the movie, there were two moments that really stuck with me. The first, of course, was the incredibly accurate and disgusting scene showcasing Donnie's texture sensitivity as he tried to link with the Kraang ship. And while I was still ruminating on how accurate it was and how disgusted and panicked I felt, I was hit by this line: Raph - "Don't worry, Donnie! This is not a hug! It's a rescue!"

Now, to many of you, this might seem like nothing special, but for me, this was the single most important moment in any piece of media I'd ever consumed. To me, this was Donnie's family understanding and accepting him as he is. This was his brother making an effort to accommodate his needs. Because Donnie hates touch that isn't on his terms, especially when he's already around anxiety and unfamiliarity. Raph's acceptance of this fact and active reassurance in an attempt to comfort his brother in a high-stress situation shows just how much he and the others cared about Donnie, not in spite of his autistic traits, but because of them. Believe me when I say I started tearing up. And at first, I was embarrassed. Here I was, eighteen years old, crying over a children's cartoon. But I came to realize that it was because I'd never felt seen in that way before.

When your only exposure to autism in media is Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man, when you're given movies like Sia's Music and told to be grateful, when the largest corporation claiming to speak for you is actively trying to eradicate you, when all you're ever told is that your very existence is wrong, it becomes hard not to believe those things. A lack of representation in my life not only led to a late diagnosis but an extreme self-consciousness and lack of understanding from my peers. I struggled to be treated as an equal because people saw me as stupid and reclusive. But for the first time in my life, I was given one movie, one character, that made me feel accepted. And it made everything feel that much lighter.

Representation always matters. Whether it be ethnicity, disability, sexuality, gender identity, or whatever else it may be, it is incredibly important. Most marginalized groups grow up with no one to relate to, feeling like they are unimportant or wrong for existing. And that cannot stand. People deserve to feel seen, no matter who they are or their background.

[sometimesalien]

how barbie helped me embrace my femininity

The cinema is one of my favourite places to go. Somewhere where I can sit for a couple of hours and just relax, let my mind be taken away and come out the other side having absorbed what story I discovered and how it changes my viewpoint on life. 

This has happened whilst sat in a packed cinema with no spare seats for No Way Home, sat by myself in the empty IMAX screen for Civil War but the most impactful? Barbie. 

Picture the scene, it’s the beginning of 2023 and the trailer for Barbie just dropped. I very quickly fell in love with the pink and the plasticity and how it made me feel. I had been a tomboy, hated the colour pink and refused to wear dresses. Everyone thought I would have preferred to watch Oppenheimer, as the vibes were more with what I matched. But it didn’t appeal to me. 

Very quickly the day came around, I had work. I ran out of there as soon as I could and drove over to the cinema. I went with a friend, we met up just before and went in. We left that cinema changed people. 

What did Barbie mean to me? At that time of my life I was having a personal crisis with my identity, and the ability to have something like Barbie, which is all about finding yourself in a world where there’s rigid roles and places that everyone had to stick to, really meant something to me. 

The idea that you could change and learn and grow. How it’s okay to not fall in line, and standing out is perfectly fine. 

When I sat in the cinema watching Barbie I finally felt at peace. Up to that point turmoil in my life was common, I had moved around the country and I was home for the first time in months. When I was there, there were mothers there with their daughters. Parents with their children, grandparents. The atmosphere was electric. Sure it was funny, the humour didn’t always hit but it was incredible. 

How did Barbie help me embrace my femininity? Well. 

Being a tomboy and being actively against any sort of feminine identity and lifestyle made me repress the feelings that I would enjoy femininity. I hated wearing dresses (still do now) and you would not get me in a skirt. I was (and still am) more comfortable in jeans and trousers but I’m not afraid to bring a skirt out.

Seeing the diversity of actors playing different Barbies with different careers and different styles and different everything made me so inspired and I was in awe. Only a couple of weeks prior I had seen Legally Blonde for the first time, and for a law student, that felt incredible knowing people would take me seriously.

Barbie had the same effect. I felt like people could respect me now as a feminine presenting person, and that I didn’t have to hide behind suits and trousers. I rock a suit, but all my little quirks are deemed acceptable. Fun little earrings and enough rings to make my fingers jangle when I wave my hands. Seeing the Supreme Court scene where all the Barbies reinstate the constitution made me so excited and so happy. 

My femininity has been a struggle. One that I am still fighting now, one that I will probably always struggle with. I often dress androgynous if I can, but I’m not scared to change it up a bit. 

Seeing people so excited to see this movie and then seeing it myself was so fun. Laughing and crying and feeling a rollercoaster of emotions whilst learning about myself was an experience I will probably never recreate. However, it’s made me appreciate myself more, proud that my body has gotten me this far.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I (ENTP) am conflicted on whether to try to resolve or end this unstable friendship with an ISFP.

For context: I’m an ENTP and my friend G is an ISFP. We’re both in our late teens and have been platonic friends for a year an a half. We share the same friend group. I’m neurodivergent, have anxiety, and tend to have depressive episodes.

At the beginning of our friendship, G was facing issues in their home life and mental health. I was supportive of them, and they gained the courage to ask for help from their family to get therapy. G seemed very insecure so I often tried to push them out of their comfort zone bit by bit. It worked out quite well as G started trying out new hobbies and overall seemed more satisfied with their life than before.

While I thought everything seemed to have worked out, I noticed G (who admitted to me) started becoming overdependent on me. G often mentioned how I was the ‘only one’ who helped them and how much I changed their lives. I simply took these statements as an exaggeration of gratitude as I didn’t think I played a big part in improving their mental health, as after all had G not been willing to change/ get help, nothing I tried would’ve worked. I also seemed to have been wrong as our friend group has pointed out G puts me on a pedestal.

This is when I noticed these patterns of behavior from G:

-if I don’t text them every day, G assumes I hate them and starts spamming and interrogating me. I don’t text anyone everyday, never have. To me, that’s too much. I’ve tried to explain to G if there are periods I don’t text back, it means I’m either busy, stressed, or having a depressive episode. G still always assumes the most negative outcome: I hate them. I’ve been in the wrong at times where I’ve not texted back for 2-14 days due to burn out from school/ tiredness from dealing with G’s unstable emotions.

-if G gets upset because of the texting issue, they ghost me for a couple of days/ weeks unpromptedly. Unadding me on social platforms, blocking me, you name it. Once they miss me again, they go back to spamming me, sometimes apologizes for ghosting. But it’s all meaningless as they go back to ghosting yet again. When they ghost me, I try to give them space as I literally can’t reach out to them but G sees this as evidence of their persistent assumption that I’m unaffected/ don’t care about them. I’ve expressed to them that I do care about them many many times, it’s just that G’s mood swings I have to deal with mentally exhaust me.

-G is very insecure about their identity and sensitive. We are complete opposites in personality. But lately I’ve noticed they’ve been putting on this sudden act of being nonchalant and carefree. Many times they copy what I would say and how I would phrase it word for word. Our friend group has pointed this out on several occasions. It creeps me out at times.

-At times when I sense G is upset at me, I ask if anything is wrong, try to resolve it. They act nonchalant and say nothing’s wrong (It seems at times they imitate their false impression of me to get me to act towards them the same way they do). It’s a lie as they later black and ghost me soon after. Ghosting periods don’t last.

And currently that’s the state we’re in. I’m unadded on all platforms after I had a conversation with them asking if they’re alright to which G said ‘perfectly fine’

I’ve told G multiple times how much I don’t like the spamming, how I’d rather we text less often (everyday is too much for me), how i’m don’t like them psychoanalyzing my every word and action and drawing a baseless conclusion on my character, many times I’ve had to explain myself when I’ve done no wrong. They do this so often I actually struggle to believe we’ve only known each other for a year and a half; it feels like it’s been forever.

What to do in this situation I’m left in?

----------------------

It is a difficult situation to be in. The most important thing you need to understand is that G's negative pattern of behavior isn't about you. It's really about their own insecurity. Insecurity can arise from many possible factors, such as anxiety, stress, low self-worth, fear of loss, or traumatic relationship experiences. In extreme cases, insecurity can manifest as neediness, clinginess, lack of healthy boundaries, and even emotionally manipulative behavior.

Insecurity isn't something you can fix for someone. The most you can do is be reassuring, try to make them more aware of the problem, and if they're receptive, offer to help or get them help for it. At the end of the day, they have to recognize the problem and seek out a remedy. Unfortunately, some people can't stop repeating their destructive patterns and have to lose relationship after relationship before they admit that they need help. It remains to be seen whether G is one of these cases.

Where does that leave you? If you understand that this issue isn't about you, you might be able to approach it from a more objective vantage point. For example: You'd see G's suffering clearly and address it sensitively. You'd be more focused on support rather than offense. You wouldn't get baited into conflict. You'd communicate matter-of-factly rather than escalate. You'd be a better judge of when to engage and when to step back.

Being more objective won't solve G's problem, but it might bring down the intensity and make interacting less exhausting for you because you're not taking things too personally. This would be the path to take if you genuinely care for G and want to keep this relationship.

Of course, you are free to choose the exit. One of the reasons insecurity often leads to relationship breakup is because there eventually comes a point where all the focus is taken up by one person and the other person's needs are entirely neglected. I think you have reached this point. G doesn't listen to you, doesn't believe in you, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't take action to care for your well-being. At this juncture, you have to ask yourself what value this relationship brings to your life. If a relationship really brings you nothing but hurt and pain despite all your efforts to improve the situation, what is there left to do but exit?

Before that point, though, you can communicate your needs and draw your boundaries more forcefully, and give plenty of warning to G that you're reaching a breaking point if nothing changes on their end. Unfortunately, given how much the relationship has deteriorated, I believe it is necessary to be more direct and blunt about your feelings at this point. However, it's risky, because it can go one of two ways: Either G gets shaken into facing the reality of their insecurity and makes a change, or they sink further into insecurity and destructiveness. Either way, you'll know the truth about what is or isn't possible for the future of this relationship.

I'm not saying the only options are bear it or quit it. Right now, there's still a possibility that G is amenable to change if you raise the topic of their insecurity in the right way, though good communication. After all, I'm sure you have some powers of persuasion and you have helped them change their perspective before. However, once that possibility has been exhausted and you no longer see any hope for moving forward, then you have to search your heart, consider your values, and make the best decision for the sake of everyone's well-being.

[sigmabateman]

thank you so much @velvetcrowbar444 for tagging me to talk about 5 things im obsessed with at the moment!!

this got longer than i anticipated so im putting it under the cut, but for simplicity's sake i'll tag people up here: @nights-decay, @boycentriccplot, @flaming-tsunami, @sourgelatin no pressure though of course!

persona 5... ok i have to be honest ive been really reluctant to talk about this on here and its why ive been quiet the past at least week or so. no idea why. i guess cause its so different from the stuff i usually post about that i feel like, embarrassed? but i started playing persona 5 royal around may and really liked it but i didnt have the time to properly get into it until now and it has completely taken over my life entirely without me even realising. to be honest i could obsess over like a rock on the ground if i saw it at the right time in my life but hands down persona 5 is one the best if not the best game ive ever played in my life. the story is engaging, the characters are distinctive and realistic and i really really care about all of them, the gameplay is so much fun and combat is buttery fucking smooth like nothing ive ever played before, the music is top tier and what got me interested in the game in the first place, and the ART DIRECTION. it speaks for itself to be honest ESPECIALLY compared to the older games. i was shocked starting persona 4 because of how different it is to persona 5 like, persona 5 has SUCH a distinct visual identity as well as tone, themes, imagery etc it is all just so stunning and perfect and i want to live in it. but i think about it so often like literally 24/7 that i may as well be. i <3 persona 5 and i <3 YUSUKE KITAGAWA. he's definitely my favourite character and he came out of NOWHERE but hes actually everything in the world to me. one of the characters ever.

persona 4 is it a copout to say that? i did try and condense both games into one bullet point but 1. they're such a mainstay in my life right now i was struggling to think of more points and 2. it kind of lost its precision and didn't effectively convey just how personapilled i am right now. i originally wasn't gonna play 4, all i knew is that it was more difficult and less good so i thought i should stay away. but if you go anywhere persona-related on the internet (which i would warn against, the fandom is a fucking cesspit the likes of which i havent seen in a long time as an obscure-shit-enjoyer) you'll quickly run into adachi. and as a lover of men with high-pitched voices and sexypedia entries... i couldn't stay away. before even starting the game i had made a d6 and d20 with different adachis on each face so really it was just a matter of time. and you know what... it's not that bad. the graphics were a SHOCKING step down but i find the low(er) poly style really charming. the adachi model is too cute T_T whenever i see it in the game world i just wanna sit with it for ages. i wonder if i could get it like 3d printed so i could keep him on my desk with me at all times... its bad for me ! the combat is fucking clunky espeically compared to 5 and i kind of hate it but that just makes it more rewarding when i can finally stop LOL. some of the characters (especially the main few (yosuke, chie, yukiko)) took a bit to grow on me but its kind of sweet.. its like authentic.. our relationship is growing as i get to know them better... but dojima and nanako ive loved since i first set eyes on them. too cute. it makes me feel so fatherless. its like.. a lot more magnetic than i expected it to be. i love it even with all its flaws. i saw a meme about it being like twin peaks and thats kind of so real. and you know i love a murder mystery... so yeah tldr i like persona now. but its hard to talk about it on here because it is such a big fandom but not like an active one like spiderman or like good omens or whatever slightly more normal people are watching so its kind of intimidating. maybe ill get over myself, maybe ill go silent for 3 months until i get into something new. we'll see i guess LOL

my gender identity TUMBLR MOMENT I KNOW but i dont know.. ive had a lot of time to myself recently and its kind of brought things to the surface that i just didnt have time or space to think about before. turns out there was a LOT OF STUFF i was repressing without even knowing. like that tweet 'im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn'. i posted on instagram "gender around cis people: boy, gender around trans people: girlboy, gender by myself: computer program" and that kind of sums it up i think. can i coin like.. complicatedgender. where your answer to the question "whats your gender?" is "it's complicated..." cause thats me. its just COMPLICATED okay!!!! but my pronouns havent changed or anything so its chilllllll

going to bed at a reasonable time. i phrased that like a joke answer but its true. i downloaded pokemon sleep and now i go to bed at 11:30pm cause at 11 i get a notification saying my pokemon are sleepy and shit i gotta take care of my pokemon!! i dont even know if its doing me any good to be honest like i dont feel much better when i wake up but making myself get into bed and shut my eyes means more thinking time and to be honest my favourite activity is thinking. even if as silly as it sounds i never give myself time to do it. its playing a weirdly big role in my life rn so yeah id say im obsessed with it!!!

this asmr video. im secretly always posting about asmr so really i could just say that, but like, ASMR | The Mortician (No Talking – You're Dead) specifically is such a mainstay i can feel its influence seeping into my life like an infection. this video would actually show up in my recommended for YEARS but i never watched it. gave me a major ick for some reason. but then i got into this guys stuff and saw it again and thought id give it a go and now its like an extra limb. fuck my 3rd bullet point, this is my gender identity. i could not articulate in words what it is about the mortician that i love so much, but i really really do. i am certifiably obsessed. cant believe i made it through this whole thing without mentioning alex. but there you are. yay this was fun :D

[irishnuancefem]

Growing up in Northern Ireland makes your radicalisation journey very different.

In Northern Ireland, we have a culture of hate. Sectarianism is like paramount to our “culture” and as a catholic you’re forced to be aware of bigotry far too early.

The first exposure to politics outside of the bubble of “England Vs Ireland” “Catholics vs Protestants” I was introduced to was leftist YouTube. But that was always hyperfocused on America. White American queers were the key voices in those spaces and it didn’t do anything for me.

Then I came out around 11, and everything flipped on it’s fucking ass. Suddenly, the religion I had held so dear was slowly being stripped from me. I thought that to be Proud of your Irish identity, you had to be catholic, and to be catholic you couldn’t be queer. I was torn between two aspects of myself. And, around this time, I started developing Gender dysphoria. My trans identity made the church that I used to trust with my life hate me even more.

I went searching for a new community, which I found in queer people, but I started realising the ideas I’d been fed by these online queer spaces were deeply harmful. They perpetuated misogny and Lesbophobia. They taught of respect for all unless they went against your beliefs.

I then stopped engaging with leftist spaces, in an attempt to formulate my own ideas.

I was being taught by those around me that I simply had to choose, and every choice I made was wrong. My choice to not deny my love for women and my discomfort in femininity was wrong, My choice to leave religion was wrong unless I went to theirs

I was also being taught online that the voices of colonists always mattered above my own. When I spoke of how I believed it unjust that Irish culture had been deemed acceptable to mock, i was pushed away. When I spoke of how the American celebrations of St Patrick’s day and their form of Irish dancing were deeply harmful, I was pushed away .

Around last year, I downloaded tumblr, searching for nuanced leftist spaces finally. I didn’t get it (SHOCKER.) I had a large-ish account that I deleted because I’d got into a lot more than I could handle. I naively assumed that people would have the maturity to simply, block me if they didn’t want to see my posts, instead of screenshotting them and “debunking me.” Silly me.

I found out that lesbian voices are often silenced. A lot of “queer women’s spaces” are made by bisexual women, for bisexual women, which is absolutely fine, but the spaces for bisexual women should just be labelled so. As a lesbian you are required to apologise for your existence constantly. You live a life free of men, and that causes certain people to value you less, and subconsciously, disregard your opinion.

A lesbian who is too loudly feminist is always a terf. A lesbian who is too proud of her sexuality is a misandrist. A lesbian who struggles with her sexuality is a fake and actually bisexual.

Anything a lesbian knows is always overshadowed by a man’s assumptions. We hold less blind empathy for men. We get nothing out of them, so we can take off the rose coloured glasses straight and bisexual women seem to view them through.

Finally, I found radical feminist tumblr. Which is kinda like a minefield. There’s either the most blessed nuanced takes, or calls for trans women to be hung drawn and quartered. Though it’s definitely the best place on the internet I’ve discovered so far.

[asterias-corner]

gender is cringe🔥🔥🔥🔥

(this is a vent 🙁)

I’ve circled back to being trans/transmasc a lot over the past few years. But every time it changes, but i thought for sure this time around it’d stick- but I’m not going to expect myself to keep a label for awhile, I’m still exploring my identity, I’m still young. But i wish i still safely identified as transmasc, because at least then i had a goal for myself, now im not sure. I’m highly positive im agender, but im worried. The more indulge into being agender, i hate being perceived as anything gendered even more. Now its not just being referred to as female that making me upset, its being perceived as male too. Which sucks because being agender is something people are still trying to understand. It’s not like being genderfluid, or other common gender identities- it’s unique to each person, and for me, i don’t want to be man or woman, or both, i want to just exist, without being forced into stupid boxes because society wants me to be either a boy or a girl. I do get euphoria often, mostly when I’m playing video games. Anytime I’m on open mic, people have a hard time understanding if I’m a boy or a girl, but that’s just it. I’m not, I’m everything and nothing. That’s my response every single time. Although, I don’t want people to have to struggle to not gender me? Because we’ve all been raised that way… i think… you get the point. It feels like I’m burdening people by asking to not be referred to as male or female, because that’s what everyone is used too. But even then, i deserve respect, and it’s not selfish of me to want to be comfortable in my own body and identity.

[nicxxx5]

autistic mike wheeler headcanons

*IMPORTANT* i'm reposting this post because my original post of this is not showing up under the tags and i don't know why. i mean i have an idea but nothing to prove it so... anyways i'm reposting this with some edits to try and fix it. so if you come across an identical copy of this post from me..yeah..well...that's-that's why...anyways!

this is to go along with my autistic will byers headcanons post. just a reminder that this isn't an analysis and is instead my own personal headcanons for mike being autistic as an autistic individual myself

mike is touch adverse. he really dislikes people touching him unless their people he's lose to and in his case it's the party and occasionally nancy and holly

his special interest is dnd, star wars, and will's art. he loves to infodump with the party because they share his interests even if not to his extent. he loves infodumping to will though when will draws because sometimes will draws things based off mike's rambles and mike gets so excited about adding it to his binder

he hyperfixated on both el and eddie a little bit. when he was little mike also had a special interest in super heroes and el reminded him of super heroes with her powers so he became fixated/entranced by her. eddie was super into dnd and was basically everything that mike wanted to be; he expressed himself the way he wanted and didn't care, love dnd, acted confident. so he became super fixated on him and started to model himself after eddie because eddie to mike was both really cool and embraced mike's biggest special interest.

he's very hyperverbal. he often has so many thoughts and ideas that they're so overwhelming he needs to express them verbally in order to get them out and help his brain relax.

mike has verbal stim. he likes to click and roll his tongue to help him focus. he typically does this when he's alone because people have picked on him and he's been reprimanded by teachers for doing it at school so he's kind of shy about it

mike like's to stim by flapping his hands and jumping spinning in circles (separately). he also likes to verbal stim while doing this when he really feels like he has a lot of pent up energy

he's really bad at interpreting social cues and sarcasm. a lot of it just goes right over his head. when people try to explain it to him he just doesn't get it even when thinking back to the situation.

his difficulty with social cues causes people to sometimes get frustrated with him and he gets frustrated back because he doesn't understand what he did that they didn't like

growing up he also like to hold hands with will and he didn't understand why people gave them looks and why lonnie got really mad. he stopped mainly because of will getting bullied and he wanted to protect will

mike has a very limited number of safe foods and these safe foods change for him from time to time. more often than not though he does prefer crunchy foods to soft foods

when he has meltdowns he mostly wants to be left alone. everything is too much for him so he likes to be in a really dark room with no noise. he ends up verbal stimming and rocking to try and self sooth. he really hates people touching him during a meltdown or when he's over stimulated. will is able to talk to him though and is able to get yes and no answers out of mike sometimes and help him if his stims start to become self-harming

he has alexithymia. he struggles a lot, and i mean a lot, with recognizing his feelings.

even though mike is hyperverbal he does often struggle to verbalize his thoughts a lot of the time. often times he finds writing his thoughts helps to put together his ideas

he really hates the clothes his mom made him wear growing up. the tags were beyond painful and he would tell his mom this but she didn't understand what he was talking about so she didn't really listen. mike ended up bring his clothes to mrs. byers sometimes because she noticed how uncomfortable he was and offered to fix them

i feel like i could definitely keep going with this one but then i'll feel bad if this one is significantly longer than my will byers one. might come back to edit it in the future though. let me know your thoughts!

[omnium-gatherums]

When I first saw this post when it was first made, I heavily related, but I think I struggled to grasp and understand the full extent of what modular DID meant and what it was explaining, and I think I didn't fully grasp how much this perfectly explains... Almost everything about my experiences???

I want to ramble about my own experiences with what I presume to be is similar to, if not just Is, modular DID, being described here. Partially because I want to, but specifically because I am very curious to know if anybody else relates to what I'm going to describe.

I grew up feeling like I just had "identity hyperfixations" where I would, say, get fixated/attached to something (a concept, an idea, a TV show, etc.) and it would "turn into" my "identity" of some sorts - I would feel like I was confident about, for example, a name change, or incorporating something into my identity, etc., only for it to change, and I greatly hated this about myself, and in an attempt to remain Consistent, I often tried to force myself into a singular box/collective box, like creating an "overall" "identity" and attempting to Stick to it, as some kind of way to force ourselves into some kind of consistency.

Our system structure is like this now even today - we have a "mascot identity", which is like our "collective identity", I coined this term for myself. It is an identity that "bleeds" into most other alters, most alters that are active in daily life during any period of time will feel this identity in some ways - some alters will feel it much stronger, some alters will feel it in different ways, some may only relate to the name. So, alters that are active in my life right now, most of us are connected to the name Ethan in some way - some may feel connected to it in a different way than others. Some may strongly feel connected to it, some may not feel connected at all, but still share the same cat identity we have. So on and so forth. The "mascot identity" can, and does, change, and usually changes because of life changes, like moving, going to high school, entering new stages of life. This experience is also described in Kluft's paper, as well as other papers (including his polyfrag paper about the phenomenology of complex [DID]), but this reblog isn't focusing on that rn NFJDSANFKJ

I describe my alters like "reshuffles" - we are the same set of traits shuffled around sometimes and those traits are like "blueprints" that go on to create more alters with those same/similar traits shuffled around - hence "reshuffles." This is where I get a ton of alters who are very similar to each other; I constantly struggled with feeling like I couldn't tell if I was a different alter that I hadn't listed/become aware of yet, or if it was just an alter I had already written down/took note of and I was that alter thinking I was different.

So for example: having two alters, one named Leo and one named Lea, and you can't tell if Leo and Lea are just the same one alter who thinks that they are different alters, or if they are truly just different alters - most of the time, it's because those two alters are very similar to each other in a way that makes me feel like they must just be the same alter.

So eventually you can have alters Leo and Lea, as well as Leon, who is a combination of traits taken from Leo and Lea; and then eventually you can get an alter that is completely unrelated to those three, and that alter is named Anna, and Anna's traits can be the blueprints that cause Annie to form. And with THOSE alters, you can eventually start getting more and more combinations and reshuffles, like Leanna who might be a mix of traits between Anna and Lea, or Leonna who is a combination of traits between Anna and Leo, and then more and more and more and it gets even more complicated. You get the point.

I know that this is the normal way DID/OSDD works - alters are, at the end of the day, your own traits and feelings and whatnot shuffled around to form different alters, but you get the idea.

Throughout my time questioning DID, denial felt suffocating, it felt like agony, I could barely go a single day without spiraling deep in denial.

I felt like it made no sense that I supposedly had DID because I couldn't track down a single alter with a consistent personality who fronted often enough to at least generally know who they were as an alter, as an individual, and know they were fronting, etc. at least often enough to be able to know they were an alter. It just felt like I was only ever adding new "alters" instead of adding any actual helpful information to "alters" I had already listed.

I would try to just go "okay, I'm assuming I'm (alter), I'm just assuming I'm (alter) and not a different alter", but it never seemed right. But I was desperate for some kind of Proof of alters, and it felt like I would only get proof if I had at least One frequent fronter, an alter who was distinct enough and with a distinct personality who fronted often enough and had a consistent enough personality who, when they fronted, KNEW they were fronting, at least sometimes, and I didn't (and don't) have that, but it felt like the only way that would prove that my alters were actually. Alters. Of course that was an inaccurate understanding of DID and an inaccurate assumption to make, but I didn't know how else I would be able to prove that my alters were actually alters if I wasn't going to be yeeted into like a different dimension when a different alter was fronting and I knew that I never ever felt like my alters were ""not me""/didn't feel like they were distinctly different people/didn't feel like they were "someone else", etc., I had no idea how else I was supposed to know for sure that my alters were alters. (I still don't. I just know that I'm diagnosed with DID and everyone keeps telling me these are alters, so I guess I gotta assume and hope it's true).

It was (and still feels like it is) impossible to figure out alters, I constantly felt like I was adding new alters instead of adding new information to pre-existing alters. I couldn't add new information to alters i already know about, because I know know who is who, never know who is fronting, I only know that "I am displaying (these traits/these behaviors/these feelings/these opinions/etc.)" and not "I am (this alter)." And there were no alters that were fronting consistently enough AND knew who they were at least decently enough to be able to add any information to alters I already know about.

So it was a constant process of "well I already have an alter listed down with literally these exact similar traits, and I have no other ways of determining who and what my alters are, so how do I know if this alter is different from the others or if this alter is just an alter I already know about and they're just assuming they're different" and still this is how my experience is. I never know when an alter is fronting again.

I don't know if this is the experience that is similar to what's described in modular DID, but I personally feel that modular DID resonates with me very strongly and feels like it explains why I couldn't pin down any alters. If I'm understanding it right, anyways. I could be completely wrong and this post could be a load of complete bullshit and complete misunderstandings (this post I have created, not the post I linked NFNDASJFK)

I rather this post not be reblogged (hence why reblogs are off), though I'm just genuinely wondering if other people have had a similar experience where it was/is impossible to pin down one specific alter because everything feels like a continuous cycle of "different alter with traits taken from (other alters)" and nothing ever feels and seems consistent (idm if people comment and/or send asks, etc.)