#therapist's words

[whumpwordsoftheday]

“I guess…I’m just scared of ending up like my dad, someone who doesn’t really care about anyone else. And I feel like if I don’t reblog all those posts about important issues, it’ll make me a bad person”

“I don’t think that makes you a bad person. But um having me locked inside your basement kind of does.”

“…ok well that’s different, it’s self care.”

[kindofsharethat]

i can’t believe i’m making this post. i feel sick to my stomach. everything is in a fog, like this is all a terrible dream.

i didn’t know liam personally, but even just watching him move about life being his tactile, steadfast, human-labrador self with boundless amounts of love to give, even if it meant taking on the brunt of others’ pain himself, as a bystander has been an honour and a privilege.

he had a talent—a true gift—and chose to share that with us. and through that talent, as a disabled high schooler who literally had trouble finding my voice and never fit in anywhere, i found a community. a home. somewhere i knew i could always turn, through the good times and the bad. in many ways, one direction saved me. there’s no “thank you” that feels big enough to encapsulate what he did for me and so many others.

all my love and well wishes to his family, friends and whoever was lucky enough to be in his orbit.

rest in peace, liam. ❤️

[dumblr]

If i were your therapist, i would give you heart-shaped meds.

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

If you don't have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you're the problematic person in this one?

k.b. // therapist quotes

[5a-alf]

I fear Kevin Day is the type of person whose struggle always came second. He funcioned enough that while everyone knew he wasn't alright, it was also nobody's problem, as someone else was actively having a harder time and they took precedence. He internalises all his problems and keeps going and going but he is fueled by alchool and sheer desperation a 100% of the time. If he were to stop for even a second he wouldn't know how to start again.

Did he ever, at somepoint in his life -away from the ex foxes, a pro player, married to Thea- wish he had it worse, just so that maybe it would have been his turn being saved? Being first? How badly would he feel, just one second after thinking it, because he knows damn well he has enough trauma to fill a stadium and he isn't actually jealous of his friends that had it worse, he isn't . That's a fucked up thing to think, stop it, stop it.

Would he still drink himself into a stupor to shoote the ache, to banish the thought? That's the help he got, when he was at his worst, a drink, and then two, and then a thousand. And it worked, it made him go, it picked him up when he was down, and now he can't get down without crashing.

Did he wish to be saved? Did he hope somebody, anybody, took the time and put in the effort to help him, just because they saw him down, not because he begged, but because they noticed he could use a hand. Or two, actually. Was it torment, to always be under the spotlight, yet never been seen? Did he run toward fame hoping the more eyes on him meant it would be easier to be noticed?

[karliahs]

I tried to give myself a little break from writing because I thought that's what I needed, but turns out the writing is load-bearing at this point. what I really needed was a break from writing stuff that I ever intend to polish up and show anyone. tapping out random comfort daydreams full of square brackets and 0 context is vitally necessary in fact

[irrealisms]

ok im gonna pass out now but i transcribed a decent chunk (5 minutes/1k words) of vitalasy & zam's conversation from yesterday! transcript under the cut

Vitalasy: Hi. 

Zam: Hi. Okay. I've got a couple questions for you—

Vitalasy (overlapping): What’s going on?

Zam: I'm a little nervous.

Vitalasy: Okay

Zam: But, yeah. I don't know! Okay. when I think about my, like— my relationship with you on the server, right? it's a little, it's a little complicated, right, it's a little— little tricky, right? you know? We've had a lot of…tension, at times, or a lot of times where I wanted to kill you and you wanted to kill me and of course there was the time where… I ended up betraying you of course, and just— a lot that I've been thinking about a lot recently, and… I just, I don't know. I— I don't know, I just want you to know that… I'm sorry, and that (giggles) I don't know, I, it feels like— I I don't really know how to word this. but like— I don't know. A lot's changed since then, and I wanted you to know that. I really wanted you to know that, you know? I'm very different person now, so. I don't know. (pause) I'm really bad at this whole communicating thing, but, um—

Vitalasy (laughing): I mean, that— that's something that has stayed the same, then.

Zam (also laughing): Yep, yeah. Didn't improve in that r- I mean, I've improved a little bit—

Vitalasy: Maybe it goes both ways here, though.

Zam: Yeah, I don’t know. But, um, I wanted to show you something, okay? Because last time you were on the server, right? it was, like, during the abyss, right? or, I guess—other than this season, of course—but like—it was like, sort of abyss related?

Vitalasy: Yeah.

Zam: After— after you gave all your stuff to Jumper, um, after you gave all your stuff to Jumper and left the server, um… I— and like, she betrayed us, I kind of went on this whole, like, arc where I wanted to blow everything up on the server— specifically your base, um—

Vitalasy (overlapping): Wh— (splutters) I was gone! 

Zam: because I knew it meant a lot to Jum— 

Vitalasy (overlapping): What do you mean?

Zam: Well, it's because— it was to hurt Jumper, specifically, for betraying me, um—

Vitalasy: Okay.

Zam: And, again, a lot has changed since then, I'm not— I don't, that's not who I am anymore, and I want to show you that that's not who I am anymore, (breaks the slab in the corner revealing a water stream going down) so— I've built you a little present—

Vitalasy: Last time I— last time I followed you down a hole, I died.

Zam: (splutters) Th-th—that's not— okay— no,

Vitalasy: Let that be clear.

Zam: Not important! I—I— it's different. It's different this time, there's water and I'm down here. Just come on down! (pause; Vitalasy starts coming down the water stream) You can put your armor on if you want, but I mean, it's fine if you don't, it's cool. But, yeah. I don't know! Derapchu told me that I should build something—or, no, I think it was Kaboodle actually—said that, every single build that I have on the server, or, like, every place that means a lot to me, is, like, out in the open, right? Um, so I wanted to build something that meant a lot to me but wasn’t out in the open, so I've had this little area for like the past couple months and I just come here every now and then whenever I need to think and figure stuff out and I've really wanted to show it to you. for, like, a while now. (pause) So like, yeah.

Vitalasy: Zam.

Zam: mhm? …Cool.

Vitalasy: Cool.

Zam: (laughs) (sniffs) I'm sorry.

Vitalasy: Oh my God—wait. I need to— hold on, my camera is being annoying right now. But—

Zam: mhm. 

(pause)

Vitalasy: Wait (inarticulate noise) Okay. Okay okay okay. 

(pause)

Zam: So, like. Yeah.

Vitalasy: Zam, I don't— I don't know what to— 

(pause)

Zam: What?

Vitalasy: When I think back on my favorite story

Zam: Mhm

Vitalasy: That I've done on lifesteal, 

Zam: Mhm.

Vitalasy: I— think and talk about Eclipse Federation.

Zam: (noise; halfway between an exhale and a ‘hahh’?)

Vitalasy: Without a doubt, like— 

Zam: mhm.

Vitalasy: I talk about it to— we're gonna, (stage whisper/exaggerated weird voice) I talk about it to my admissions officer, um—

Zam: Really?

Vitalasy: For college, yeah

(they both laugh a little)

Zam: Damn!

Vitalasy: Like, this was part of my, my, uh, college application season, ummm—

Zam: (laughs a lot) That's actually really cool. 

Vitalasy: Yeah, like— really, if I'm gonna be so honest, I— I have very few regrets, and… this is not one of them.

Zam: Awwwwwwww.

Vitalasy: I, I don't, I don't regret anything that happened.

Zam: Okay.

Vitalasy: And, um—back then—

Zam: I do. I feel like you were right and I was wrong. But, yeah.

Vitalasy: No! No no no. I don't—I don't—I don't say that as a, I don't regret it because I was right, that's not what I'm trying to say, um—

Zam: I know. But like— I don't know, it's just like, I don't get to see you that often, so—it's just—I really, I wanted you to know that I feel like you were right and that I was wrong, and.

Vitalasy: (laughs) Come on.

Zam: I just like, I just wanted to say that—

Vitalasy: No, no, no. I'm not taking that. No, no, I'm not taking that! Are you kidding me?!

Zam: What do you mean?

Vitalasy: You can't say that! What? (punches Zam)

Zam: Okay…? (laughs) Okay.

Vitalasy: (punches Zam again) ‘Cause that's not true! That's not true.

Zam: Okay.

Vitalasy: I, I hid stuff from you.

Zam: …Uh-huh.

Vitalasy: Like, let that be so clear. And I'm glad we're, we're actually talking about it now— (looks around at the room) it's so weird, ‘cause like my worlds are kind of combining right now, (Zam laughs) but, um— (Vitalasy laughs) uhh

Zam: Yeah. Damn. Yeah, I don't know. I've just— missed you a lot and I'm really glad that you're back. Even if it's only for a little bit. (pause) So yeah.

(pause)

Vitalasy: We should play more. (punches Zam)

Zam: Yeah! That’d be cool, I’d be down. 

Vitalasy: Yeah.

Zam: Yeah, for sure. I would love to see you around more, if you ever—could, I don’t know.

(pause)

Vitalasy: Yeah.

Zam: Yeah.

Vitalasy: We should see each other more. (punches Zam) We should see each other more.

Zam: Okay! I’m cool with that, yeah, of course.

Vitalasy: Yeah yeah yeah.

Zam: I really wanted to—yeah.

Vitalasy: (punches Zam) Let’s talk offstream. I, I think I have a couple ideas.

Zam: Okay, cool! I'm down, yeah. Alright.

[justmelookingbackatme]

A while ago, my therapist talked to me about dialectical statements. They're two seemingly contradictory statements that are both true. I'm happy and I'm sad. I hate you and I love you.

We weren't talking about gender, of course, but it's what my mind jumped to. I'm a man and I'm a woman.

Dialectical statements aren't about having these statements fight until one is proven to be true and the other is proven to be false. Neither statement has to be more true than the other. You can let them exist in opposition to one another. Not even opposition, necessarily. They can just coexist.

You're meant to accept the contradiction, and that's what I'm doing. Trying to do, at least. I'm a man and a woman. I'm a contradiction. I'm trying to accept myself.

[xiaq]

Publishing is weird. Especially when you're used to fic. Because you write this thing. And then a year later you cut it in half and edit it for publication. And then a year after that, the first part comes out. And then a year after that the second part comes out. And you finally decide to sit down and read both of them through after a bit of distance except then you're immediately going "look at this glaring plothole, why did you use so many en dashes, stop saying the word 'like,'" except, unlike Ao3 where you can just go...make adjustments as needed, you're stuck with everyone seeing your writing's flaws.

And now I'm being overly critical about the things I'm currently writing because god forbid I'm making mistakes (not recognizing them) that I will someday kick myself for once I have further matured as a writer.

I guess the good news is that I'm writing at all? But that bad news is I'm a neurotic mess.

[a-j-s-the-only]

you search for chaos because you don’t know how to sit in peace. You’ve never had the opportunity to rest.

-my therapist

[whumpwordsoftheday]

“So tell me more about why you hate physical contact so much”

“Please…please just let me go”

“Oh no, not until I’ve dragged every trauma, every memory out of you”

[ticklepinions]

Raise your hand if you feel utterly behind in life 🫠

[variousfandomthoughts]

Shallan talking to Pattern after the ship sinks in Words of Radiance: Jasnah’s death has traumatized me, and, being in a state of shock and horror, the only thing I can now do to cope is attempt to regain some of what I lost by further dedicating myself to becoming like Jasnah and preserving her work and memory. I believe this profound realization about myself and my experiences will lead me to healing and recovery.

Pattern: What’s a “death”?

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Sometimes we seek external validation in order to feel like we can still earn the love and approval we might have been denied in our childhood or past experience/s. We can do this in many different ways, developing different "abilities" in order to have our emotional needs met "at all costs": for example we become a perfectionist (we were praised only after overworking/reaching certain results); we start people pleasing (we were taught others cannot leave if we're what they search for and are always there for them no matter what); we learned to downplay our needs to avoid conflicts or problems of sort...

These (and others too) are all copying mechanisms we developed to fill the void/emotional neglect/absence of unconditional love we've been experiencing in our past. Living this way though can make us develop other problems in our self: eg. digestive problems, chronic stress, dissociation. But the thing is: no matter what we do or how much we change, an emotionally immature caregiver is blocked by their own self limitations and fixed views so they won't show up for us as we need.

And it's not our fault: they just weren't given the correct infos to handle their emotions and cannot see where they're going wrong (maybe also cause they were taught from another wounded generation that this is how you do things, no matter if they pain you or what), so please forgive yourself and free yourself from shame and guilt. It's not your fault if your caregivers couldn't show you that you don't have to gain love in any way cause you're already lovely and worthy as you are.

The moment you miss your parents' love in your childhood (a foundational moment of the life of any human being), you carry this void in your adulthood and it may even get enhanced, or make you search for the same type of relationship where you need to show up in a certain way to feel like you deserve love (and this keeps you stauck in the same place of pain and self hurt). You will always need to seek approval, to act in a certain way, fear being abandoned, wonder about your worth/being enough, and that's cause of your rooted habit born from the lack of emotional consistent support.

To get out of this cycle, try to understand why and how you had to develop this copying mechanism and why you keep it in your life these days (ofc ask for help to professional figures too if you need). You can get out of it and find the right emotional nourishment you need and deserve: let yourself try to see things from another perspective.

(source: insta + please check the description OR here)

[majorxmaggiexboy]

I know technically human standards don't apply anyway but tbh the more i think about it Dream actually did so good. like he's still a catty bitch and i love that about him but the fact that he went over 100 years in solitary confinement in a literal bubble he couldn't even walk around in and was forced to watch his beloved companion be shot to death right in front of him, and when he got out there was no cosmic carnage, he knocked two people tf out and then cursed that old man and hopped right back off to his own realm, peace out

was clearly expecting everything to be okay but honestly!! Took the whole "your realm is in shambles bc your mental and emotional health took a hit and also all your stuff was stolen and nobody loves you" thing in stride! Didn't take any time whatsoever to rest or decompress or anything just bangbangbang knocked out those side quests, then just. chills on a park bench and feeds the birds wHY TF DID DEATH YELL AT HIM FOR THAT?

bro could've coped by being slap damn feral insane with supervillain consequences, but all he wants to do is feed some pigeons...if he starts biting people in season two it's because Death threw that baguette back at him

[botanybulbasaur]