#then i google symptoms which is a very bad idea

[r04ch4ch3]

having anxiety/panic disorder sucks ass bc I really don't know if there's something seriously wrong with me physically or if I'm just crazy

[thesean]

I dont know. i wish i was as smart as i pretend to be sometimes

[suzukiblu]

WIP excerpt for inkwell behind the cut; "Billy adopts Conner and it actually goes pretty good!" (( chrono || non-chrono ))

But also, Lynn almost definitely needs to sleep if he’s really stayed awake for four whole days. Or even, like, just mostly stayed awake. Maybe Kryptonians don’t need much sleep, but Billy’s definitely heard Superman at least mention sleeping before and Lynn’s still technically a newborn, and babies need a lot of sleep, right? And so do teenagers, actually, he’s pretty sure, ‘cuz he always hears about them sleeping a lot, so like . . . 

“Your head doesn’t hurt or anything, right?” Billy asks, and Lynn stays tense in his arms, but also keeps his grip on his sweater, so Billy’s not really sure, like . . . how to take that, or whatever. “Did you get hit in it too bad at Cadmus?” 

“. . . I don’t know,” Lynn says, still stiff. Which makes sense, Billy guesses, because–“It hurt a couple times, I guess. I don’t know what’s–’too bad’.” 

“How long did it hurt for?” Billy asks, his frown deepening a little more. “Do you feel, like–dizzy or lightheaded? Or, um–cottony? Like things are maybe a little, like, not connecting?” 

“Six to twelve seconds. And, uh–no,” Lynn says. “Nothing like that.” 

“Okay,” Billy says, and relaxes a little. Lynn’s pupils are both the same size and he didn’t act sleepy or out of it ‘til now, and Kid Flash and his parents apparently didn’t notice anything like that either, so . . . probably it’s fine? He thinks? Like, he’s definitely gonna google some stuff that the wisdom of Solomon is maybe a few thousand years behind on, medically-speaking and all, and also obviously keep an extra-close eye on Lynn for the next couple days just in case, but he’s almost sure it’s fine. 

Just–as long as he keeps an extra-close eye on Lynn, anyway. He does know concussion symptoms can show up a few days later, so–yeah, definitely he’s gonna keep an eye on him. Six to twelve seconds isn’t very long for something to hurt, though, so he’s pretty sure he’s just being paranoid? 

But also he’s definitely gonna be paranoid about possible head injuries, so yeah, that’s kinda just gonna have to be a thing, Billy figures. Like that one’s just unavoidable. 

“You probably do need to sleep,” he says. “Like I don’t know how much Kryptonians have to, but if you’re getting wobbly that kinda, you know, implies you need to? Or at least need to pretty soon?” 

“. . . oh,” Lynn says. “Uh. Right.” 

Billy feels kind of guilty about saying that, because I slept for four months is a pretty blatant sign of Lynn definitely being at least a little bit leery about the idea of going to sleep on purpose, but like–well, it's gonna be worse if Lynn stresses himself out about it for too long first, he figures. And he's not gonna be a very good dad if he lets Lynn stress himself out worrying about stuff that’s, like–irrational? Which, he doesn’t wanna say that’s an irrational thing to worry about, because if Lynn’s worried he’s got good reasons to be, just–like–

[i-dared-myself]

the way your previous headcanons mention how chaotic they'd be on your period and i can vividly see that lmao

like theyd be panicking and making it a big deal more than you would

but i imagine that if you were to feel any pain, theyd feel so bad and baby you so much shdhggjjh

They’re absolutely chaotic when you’re on your period. I mean, have you met them? Drama is their whole thing.

I have previously written something about it here in case you haven’t read it yet, but here are some bonus ideas:

•Chan is an absolute overstressed mess. He’s googling every possible symptom known to man and every type of way he can help. He’s keeping cold drinks away from you, hot drinks away from you, and yet he’s insisting you stay hydrated.

•Chan is scrambling to do everything for you, which is very much so unnecessary, but it’s nice that he cares. It’s amusing until he’s trying to get you booked for blood work so you can be tested for anemia.

•As I’ve previously mentioned in the headcanons, Hyunjin gets sympathy pains that are worse than yours. You’ll both be curled up on the couch groaning, and Chan thinks Hyunjin needs his appendix removed. Like, he panics and almost drives him to the hospital.

•But it’s not just sympathy pains. He gets the cramps, the nausea, and even the cravings. You’ll be craving scrambled eggs with cheese and then he’ll be crying about that ice cream place a couple blocks down.

•Seungmin is good to have around on your period. He tells jokes about it, but not in the misogynistic ‘women on their periods, right?’ It’d more of a ‘Is your period cramping your style? Hee heee heee.’

•But he also smuggles you chocolate from Jisung’s stash. He’s not just the funny guy to chill with while bleeding, he’s helpful. He’ll let cuddle with him during a movie, or whine about how much your boobs hurt.

•Jeongin is awkwardly nice. Not awkward about periods- awkward because he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He just kinda hovers nearby until you mention something he can do for you.

•You don’t even know he’s getting you your water bottle until he’s pressing it into your hands. Whispering to Hyunjin about how you’re sort of cold? Jeongin heard and is sprinting down the halls to get you his spare blanket.

•Changbin gives you his hoodies to wear. They’re comfy and make you cry with how nice he is, so he hugs you. He’s strong enough to pick you up, and he carries you over to the couch to cuddle for an hour straight.

•He flicks on a rerun of a comedy movie, to which you fall asleep to. He quietly takes you to your room and tucks you in without waking you. Changbin stands guard outside your room after that, to ward off any hyper members.

•Jisung will binge an entire drama with you. Like you’ll only take breaks for bathroom trips and when Chan makes you go to bed or get off the couch. He’ll bring over a bucket of popcorn with chocolate hidden at the bottom and turn on the cringiest, most cliché drama he can find.

•Jisung makes fun of the stupid lead’s decisions, and will not judge when you thirst after the love interest. Except maybe a little. But he doesn’t say anything, which is what counts.

•Minho stays out of your way. He knows with seven other worried and slightly confused men crowding you, you need your space.

•That’s not to say he doesn’t care, it’s just that he has other ways of showing support. Minho’s way is not bothering you 24/7. He’ll make sure you’re still breathing every couple hours if you’re alone, but that’s it.

•Felix is (mostly) calm. He understands that this is a normal thing for women to go through, so he’s not worried. This is totally normal and fine, and do you look pale? Because you seem kind of pale to him. Maybe you should be eating more protein.

•But he’s calm. You’re fine and don’t need him, AND WHY ARE YOU LEAVING THE HOUSE ALONE WHAT IF YOU PASS OUT IN THE STREETS AND SOME NEFARIOUS CHARACTERS KIDNAP YOU?!?

Lmao but you’re right that they make more of a deal of it than you

[watarfallar]

Have Some more

Grian: If anyone needs me, then fuck off.

Pearl: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Scott a little bit. BigB, holding Pearl's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation. Pearl: No, that's our joint tombstone. BigB: My mistake.

Bdubs: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way? BigB: Wait, what’s the difference? Bdubs: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire.

Scott: I hate you. Pearl: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.

Impulse: What is your favourite mythical story? BigB: The Story Of My Will To Live. Impulse: I don’t think I’ve heard of that one before.

Scar: Why is Joel making me do the dishes again? You haven’t washed them in a week, Ren! Ren: It’s because I’m Joel’s favorite. Scar: I hate you.

Pearl: Is the pink panther a lion? Impulse: Say that again but slower. Pearl: I don’t get it. Impulse: He’s a PANTHER. Pearl: Is that a type of lion? Impulse: No, it’s a fucking panther. Pearl: *googles panther* They aren’t pink? Impulse: AND LIONS ARE?!

Impulse: Good night. Mumbo: Sleep tight. Tango: Don't let the bedbugs crawl up to your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself. Scar: Great, now Mumbo's crying.

Scar: Pearl, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery. Pearl: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!

Joel: What happened?! Pearl: Do you want the long version or the short version? Joel: Sh-short?? Pearl: Shit's fucked. Joel: Okay, long. Pearl: Shit's very fucked.

Scar & Tango:*Playing video games* Joel: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games? Scar: *silence* Tango: *silence* Joel, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you? Scar & Tango in shame: Yeah...

Joel to Cleo, who’s about to get married: Today, two families are becoming one. Tango, in an ominous voice: Two families enter, one family leaves. Scar: That sounds so threatening… Skizz: The Wedding Games… Scott: May the bouquet toss be ever in your favor. Cleo: Beautiful. Joel: Fuck all of you!

Impulse, handing out popsicles: Which flavor do you want? Tango: Blue flavor! Impulse: Uh, you mean Blue Raspberry? Tango: Blue flavor! Blue flavor! Impulse: Blue is not a flavor! Tango: BLUE FLAVOR!

Impulse: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions? Grian: Put spaghetti in it. Impulse: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you. Jimmy: Put spaghetti in it. Impulse: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two. Tango: Put spaghetti in it. Impulse: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Grian: *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk. Grian: *cuts piece of cake* Joel: ...Can I have some? Grian: Cake is for talkers.

Scott: Oooh, a train! Jimmy: We’re in a train station, Scott.

Gem: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container. Bdubs: The cow?? Gem:What? Impulse: Bdubs, W H Y?

Pearl: *sneaking in through their window* BigB: *turning in their chair and flicking the light one* You want to tell me where you've been all night? Pearl: I was with Jimmy? Jimmy: *turning in their chair* Wanna try again?

Scar: You can track Pearl? Jimmy: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I.

Tango: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

Martyn: So, Scar and Gem. Martyn: According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, Grand Theft Auto… Scar: We had a bad day. Martyn: And… MURDER?! Gem: It was a pretty bad day…

Bdubs: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective? Martyn: *crouches down* Joel: *kneels down* Cleo: *sits on the floor* Bdubs: Bdubs: I hate all of you.

[schizosupport]

hey, can i ask some advice? if u dont have any its fine!

i just got diagnosed and im getting on meds soon, and like, logically i know its good cause when im at my worst i am bad and i dont want to keep living life like that, but im terrified of medication like, any kind. the stuff im already on for like, chronic illness stuff was enough of a struggle but anti psychotics terrify me.

so basically, do u have any advice for someone getting on medication for the first time? i dont know anyone like me (schizophrenic style) and so i dont rlly have anyone to ask for advice

feel free to not answer if u dont want to, and thank u for ur time!!

Hey there anon!

My advice about antipsychotics, as well as any other psychiatric medication, is to give it a try with an open mind. Your mind should be open towards the possibility that this is helpful as well as the possibility that it's harmful. The most likely experience is that there will be things that suck about being on medication, and things that are easier on medication. And you need to be prepared to make a cost benefit analysis about what's right for you.

Another thing to keep in mind is "what kind and what dose". I often see people being put on a quite high dose right off the bat, because the psych has an idea that that's the "right dosis for psychosis". But actually people are very individual, and sometimes much less will do it.

I'm currently on the irriest bittiest baby dose of risperidone. When I was initially put on that 8-9 years ago, they soon gave me a dose that was much too high for me, and as a result I changed to another med (abilify) which was honestly way less compatible with me, but more tolerable at a higher dose.

So ... Doctors often don't like when you want to be informed and use Google to look into meds and stuff like that. But I cannot recommend it enough to look up the standard doses of the medication you get described, and see where your dose falls. If the med isn't having the desired effect, your psych might continue to increase the dose. It's good to know when enough is enough. Don't look up the side effects, but do keep a little list/diary about emerging physical or mental symptoms. And have someone else crosscheck that with the side effects at a point.

Some psychs will prescribe more than one antipsychotic to the same person long term. This is generally not recommended, so especially as an initial move, that would be a red flag to me. Same can be said for starting you out on a high dose, when it sounds like you aren't currently in a psychotic episode. If the med is intended as a longer-term stabilizer and not a way to shut down a psychotic episode, it shouldn't be at too high a dose. For many reasons, up to and including, you want to leave room to increase the dose if you do have a major psychotic episode and need extra help coming out of it.

With all those precautions made I also wanna say that antipsychotics CAN be a good and helpful tool. For me they help me sleep and they take the edge off in a way that nothing else really does. They increase my coherence and they give me a thicker skin to deal with the difficulties of life. In that way they make me stronger.

[canines-alter-creation]

if you want to do this can we have a subsystem full of introjects you can decide everything else ^_^

Hi! I+ found this post and pack put together in Our+ drive (because We+ find it easier to type up all the stuff in a google document before transferring it over) and even though I+ don't like it a whole lot, I'm+ going to leave it how she put it together! This pack was made by Our+ new headmate, though We're+ not still super sure about her. I+ left her original blurb stuff intact:

Hi okay. So uhm. This is actually maybe gonna be stupid and terrible, but I had this idea that I like to call "The worst subsystem known to man" and so I've created that for you. uh. I hope you like it :D. It's six people, all from various sources, but all objectively terrible people from their media. If you don't like it, definitely put in a new request in like,, a few hours when I'm not here!

As always, not all alters based on this pack are gonna turn out the way they're written on the tin, and if you make these fuckers why don't you reblog em! (long post below cut)

> Name(s): Simon, John Q, Q, Quentin

> Pronoun(s): he/it/fuck/punk/rock

> Age: 21

> Gender: genderapathetic, gendervoid, genderpunk, 

> Sexuality: doesn’t care, doesn’t know, fuck around and find out with him :) 

> Role: Host, Protector

> Source: Dinner in America

> Faceclaims: 

> Sign-offs: 🥾, 🥁, 🍉, 🚬, 

> Song theme:

> Front triggers(pos/neg/neu):

+  source, Patty specifically, punk music, punk rocking, cigarettes/nicotine, 

/ having to do his job, dinner parties, familial disagreements

- blood, fighting, fake punks/pretend punks, skinheads, use of slurs around him

> Likes/dislikes:

+  punk music, rocking out, driving, going on adventures, loud noises

-  people with no respect, being taken by surprise, injustice in the world

> Personality: Simon latches onto one person and makes them his everything, he’ll do anything for them, fight any battle, hurt any person, and sometimes that leads him to be a questionable person to be around 

> Ways they do their role: Simon fronts the most, because he can handle it, he doesn’t fly off the handle like some of the others, he waits, patiently, observing, and if things get bad, then he acts, handling situations quickly and easily

> Inner world occupation or behavior: Simon likes to rock out, he might play loud music, write music or take up similar creative endeavors, he might also have a serious smoking problem, so probably keep an eye on that. He is the best host for this situation, being the only one to keep the rest of the fuckers in line

> Possible outerworld behavior: Might be very protective of friends and loved ones, to the point where it’s almost concerning. He believes in the good of others, but isn’t afraid to beat the shit out of someone stepping on his toes. 

----------

> Name(s): Pogtopia, Wilbur, Pyrite, Fog, Mercury, TNT, Alto, Solaria, Farrow, Fester

> Pronoun(s): he/they/explo/it/rot/zomb/tnt/destroy/president

> Age: 26ish

> Gender: horroruine, vessoulic, fleshripped, abandonpianic, genderdecay, genderapathetic

> Sexuality: gay, hypersexual, but sex repulsed, 

> Role: Symptom Holder, persecutor, Co-Host

> Source: Pogtopia!Wilbur from the Dream SMP

> Faceclaims:

> Sign-offs: 🚬, 🔲, 🧨, ⛏️, 🌫️, 

> Song theme:

> Front triggers(pos/neg/neu):

+ Source, explosions, intense negative emotions, cigarettes/nicotine, object of his affection

/ doing his job, certain sourcemates, loud noises, fireworks

- delusional triggers, having emotions disregarded, being treated like a monster

> Likes/dislikes:

+ Fireworks, explosions, jackets, cold nights, fire, nicotine, the smell of smoke

- Losing, Schlatt (especially source attached ones), being abandoned or left behind

> Personality: He is very neurotic, likes things done exactly as tnt envisions them, which means that if something isn’t done how pres likes it, he may fly off the handle and become volatile. 

> Ways they do their role: He can hold several different kinds of symptoms but ESPECIALLY cluster-b symptoms (ASPD, BPD, HPD, NPD) his job may be to vent these feelings in any way possible, even if that means he may be harmful to the body or others, which is what makes him seem like a persecutor. He wants to take care of the subsystem, and if that means blowing up on someone that’s hurting them, zomb will. 

> Inner world occupation or behavior: May like loud music, or other loud things, probably to cover the sounds of his wallowing, and also his explosive tendencies. May punch holes in walls. May like rage rooms as a way to express their deep seated anger and symptomatic behavior. 

> Possible outerworld behavior: May be uncaring or mean towards others, UNLESS it’s tnts special person, then they will be obsessive, clingy and incredibly patient and careful with them. Zomb may view their special person as the only pure or good person in the planet, willing to go to extremes to take care of them. 

--------

> Name(s): Virgil, Virgey, Anx, Anxiety, Axel, Lune, Solstice

> Pronoun(s): he/spi/spiders/moon/night/stars

> Age: 25-36 age slider

> Gender: formasc, lostrain, purgatorean, comfinoctic, drizzlegender, stormcoric

> Sexuality: achillean, ace

> Role: caregiver, soother, absorber

> Source: Sander Sides

> Faceclaims:

> Sign-offs: 🌃, 🖤, 🕸️, 🕷️, 💜

> Song theme:

> Front triggers(pos/neg/neu):

+ Dark and quiet spaces, having alone time, needing to do selfcare

/ source and sourcemates (may have a negative reaction to certain sourcemates, characterizations or Thomas himself), certain aspects of his job

- Having to deal with Pogbur and Scrap, being scared, being overwhelmed

> Likes/dislikes:

+ the dark, the quiet, when things are peaceful and easy, taking baths and showers in the dark, spending time alone, being able to relax

- loud noises, being disturbed, Pogbur going off/being set off

> Personality: He is very gentle, but firm, he’s good at holding onto front when things get dicey. May be sort of like an enforcer, never far from front when Pogbur is having one of his episodes. 

> Ways they do their role: Virgil is good at bottling up negative emotions, working as a specialty form of Soother we typically refer to as an absorber, he just,, absorbs all of the negative emotions in a room, deadening the feelings and helping to soothe the atmosphere. He also can help with caretaking by forcing the body/subsystem to do the hard stuff to feel better (bathing, doing schoolwork, eating)

> Inner world occupation or behavior: Virgil may prefer some sort of dark cave, away from everyone else, where he can be isolated, save for maybe one or two people he adores. He prefers solitude and comfort, being left alone is his ideal. 

> Possible outerworld behavior: May come across as harsh, not because he wants to, but because his goal is making sure the body is cared for and safe. May be especially blunt due to being busy or having a lot on his mind.

------

> Name(s): William Afton, Scrap, Scrapper, Afton, Will, Springtrap, Trapper

> Pronoun(s): it/he/they/bun/glitch/twitch/trap/metal/spring

> Age: 47 

> Gender: fairly cisnormative, remnagender, animatronicgender, fazbearfamsic, springwillic, springtrapix

> Sexuality: gay old man. Gay stupid gay. May be like. Fucking. Faggosexual idk. Sorry he’s gay and annoying and I PERSONALLY hate him (/hj)

> Role: handler/persecutor/gatekeeper

> Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s

> Faceclaims:

> Sign-offs: 🔪, 🤖, 🐰, 🐇

> Song theme:

> Front triggers(pos/neg/neu):

+ Due to their role, doesn’t really have “positive” triggers

/ Source or source media, animatronics, robots or mechanisms of any kind

- People defying orders, his children, people being critical of him, having to do his job

> Likes/dislikes:

+ When things run smoothly, when people do what they’re supposed to. 

- people being critical of him, being interrupted, being told bun is wrong

> Personality: Grouchy, bossy. He has very specific standards that NEED to be met in order for him to be calm and regulated, is easily frustrated and difficult to get to know or life, 

> Ways they do their role: Scrap finds a great little niche section of being a handler and being a persecutor. His job is to police all of the others in line, making sure they aren’t damaging others or causing problems, by ANY means necessary. They are NOT above violence, they are not above beating the shit out of someone to keep them in line and make them behave the way bun wants them to. He feels NO remorse for this, because bun justifies it as what was best for the system.

> Inner world occupation or behavior: May like tinkering or building, even though he wasn’t good at it in source, Scrap may enjoy building animatronics, or building headmates to help fill out other parts of inner. May prefer somewhere well populated, and may not like being alone. May have a secret workshop it doesn’t share the location of.

> Possible outerworld behavior: May not be very friendly, frequently ignoring or refusing to engage with people in your life. Its role is primarily internal, dealing with behaviors and handing out punishments. The only time he may choose to interact with others is to let them know if a particular alter has been punished or is otherwise unavailable.

[vanillaxoshi]

Boom badabim bada pow

Welcome to septuplet au! Also now called injuries matter au

Where i make the elements into siblings but despite this being done but a bunch of people let me make this my way or-

Maybe a similar way ig

What you see above is Cahaya and daun

There aint no way Cahaya will become just fine after being hit on the head and the abdomen or gut by a giant hammer and flew thhrough metal floors? Ceilings? (I know this happened to boi but dont drag him into this. this is also a septuplet au he aint included but dont u dare get ideas👹👹👹)

And he got thrown to space twice, very high or low temperature causes dead cells and stuff (welcome decayed skin)

So- yeah, he got into a longer coma so to speak, perhaps the actual logic into this is death but lets not get into that and just do 2-3 months folks

According to google said symptoms for frontal lobe damage are:

Weakness on one side of the body or one side of the face, Falling, Inability to solve problems or organize tasks, Reduced creativity, Impaired judgment, Reduced sense of taste or smell, Depression, Difficulty controlling emotions, Changes in behavior, Low motivation, Poor attention span, being easily distracted, Reduced or increased sexual interest, Odd sexual habits, Impulsive or risky behavior, Trouble with communication

And vocal chords get damaged with cold temperature so-

Kk, hes not completely incapable as he heals overtime(note: not completely), but trauma with the dark :> oh how will that help if he doesnt sleep well :)

(he uses sign language if he needs to stop speaking)

ALRIGHT moving on to air

Dude got his arm melted off by roktaroka i think thats his name, which very much hurt because lava, is still slow, which meant it was slow and painful, and with it being put on ice immediately (yes this situation summoned ais) it left quite a huge mark

And he also cant keep the ice hand for so long so bros ambidextrous just uses left the most now, might have trauma from long distance attacks and perhaps hot temperatures, so you could say api is trying his best for air and that goes the same for air to api

LETS GO DAUN

Yes he gains a type of inferiority complex so he has to be included and does his best, but not only that, he gains lightning scars from kirana, on his hands, so he has trouble controlling those hands

They will randomly end up shaking sometimes, and randomly drop as in become paralyze, this resulted to a lot of things to become broken, and this is where daun feels bad for gaining this problem, and at times might hurt like theres still lightning striking him

OF COURSE petir feels bad and blames himself for getting caught like that haha-

Bro also got caught or kidnapped three times he blames himself for repeating that situation a lot.

ANGIN well, i know the fandom makes him love yaya's cookies, but imma be honest here, those things basically drugged him into drugging everyone, he for sure gained fear of those cookies. That made him out of it

Buuuuut what if as well he has a temptation to eat it at times, despite his whole mind not wanting to, so when he does end up eating it he becomes nauseous and vomits :)

API doesnt like seeing fear in peoples faces but that never washes away bc of his anger issues that causes people to be afraid so lets go low self esteem-

Tanah wants his brothers to be more better so thats why he shoves all responsibility onto himself but that also causes trauma!!!

Hes so afraid of losing them that he became very strict which causes to some arguments but he also tries his very best to look tough and be more capable, but there are times where its obvious like with movie 2, api and air try their best to help him despite him pushing them away and being in denial. Gopal was the one who did end up calming everyone down

Angin is the one who sees him always and is always the one who conforts him

Petir feels even more down knowing that hes the oldest and that he should be the one to take that burden of responsibility.

And yeah i might add more but who knows

[yourdreamscenarios]

When it’s dangerous for you to get pregnant I Part two

∙ Request ♡  ∙ Word count: 3,2K 

Taehyung

His knee was bouncing up and down as he bit down on the nail of his thumb. A weird energy hung inside of the room, causing your heart to stutter nervously inside of your chest. “Would you stop that please.” You muttered, sending Taehyung a stern look as you both waited for the doctor to return after excusing himself and accepting a phone call. Minutes seemed to take hours while you were lying on that chair, your stomach exposed. “I’m sorry, I’m just worried. What if it’s something bad?” He asked, and you scoffed at his careless choice of words. 

He instantly apologized, but stopped bouncing his leg and tried to stop fidgeting by sitting down on top of his hands. You’d been having some very irritating cramps on the right side of your stomach for a few days now. At first you had tried to ignore it, thinking of it as nothing special. But as the pain didn’t face, and didn’t get any less, you’d finally told your boyfriend about your troubles. Of course, he’d immediately started googling your symptoms. And in no time he’d made an appointment with your doctor, thinking you might have an appendicitis. Although your doctor hadn’t seemed half as worried as Taehyung had been, he had sent you in for an ultrasound, just to be sure.

Which was exactly why you were here, waiting for someone to check out the insides of your stomach on a weird little black and grey screen. “Sorry to keep you waiting. That took a little longer than I anticipated.” The man who was about to perform the ultrasound stepped back inside of the room, closing the door behind himself. You blinked rapidly as Taehyung almost jumped up from his seat because of the man’s sudden appearance. His entire body seemed to be stiff with worry by that point. It was almost as if you had to be the one calming him down instead of the other way around. “Okay, let’s take a look.” You watched carefully as he sat down on a little stool aside from you. Grabbing hold of the ultrasound, he put some gel on the end of it, and you watched as the blue substance glittered in the light. 

“This might be a little cold.” He warned, as he carefully placed the little head on the right side of your abdomen. Your heart was fluttering inside of your chest and you felt your boyfriend taking hold of your hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. You were all looking at the screen, but as you tried to comprehend what you were seeing, you realize you had no idea what you were seeing. How one could decipher whatever was showing on those images remained a mystery to you. “Take a deep breath for me please, and hold.” You did as you were told, taking a deep gulp of air and holding it in, silently counting the seconds passing by inside of your head. “And let go.” You tried your hardest to relax, but figured that you would never be able to until this was over.

The man hummed, and you noticed a little frown between his eyebrows as he studied the screen in front of you. “Your appendix seems normal.” He muttered, gathering some more gel before guiding the ultrasound towards the middle of your stomach, running everything over again. You visibly relaxed, pleased that at least it wasn’t anything that needed immediate action. “It’s probably a stomach bug right, nothing to worry about?” You questioned, already starting to feel embarrassed by the fact that you had made a drama over nothing. Perhaps your period was due in a few days, maybe that was bothering you. Or maybe you hadn’t been drinking enough water, and your kidneys had been telling you they were coming up short, the hard way. 

The ultrasound moved lower, checking everything, as you looked over at your boyfriend and sent him a pointed look. As if to say, ‘see, I told you not to worry’. “Aahh… I see.” The radiologist cooed, and nodded his head as if it was clear to him what was going on as he removed the ultrasound from your stomach and grabbed a towel to wipe away the gel lingering around on your skin. You stared at him with raised eyebrows and beside you, you could feel Taehyung holding his breath. “I think congratulations are in order. Miss, you are pregnant.” The temperature inside of the room seemed to plummet, and you weren’t sure you were breathing when those words left his mouth.

“Excuse me?” You almost shrieked, and the guy clearly seemed alarmed now, noticing the panic in your expression and the way Taehyung’s soul seemed to leave his body as he fell back against the chair he was sitting on. He sputtered something, before composing himself and explaining. “The cramps you noticed were probably the fertilization of the egg you felt. Out of these images, it is clear you are pregnant. We could do a more detailed ultrasound, checking the condition of the fruit. We could probably find a heartbeat…” Quickly you pushed yourself up from your seat, all your thoughts being slurred together inside of your mind. You couldn’t think, god, you weren’t even sure if you could breath. “Are you okay? Miss?” Taehyung jumped up as if someone had given him some kind of electric shock. He grabbed both of your hands in his, squeezing them for dear life as he tried to lock eyes with you. 

“Could you please give us a moment?” He asked, and the guy actually seemed to be happy to excuse himself as he got up from his seat, and disappeared from the room, giving the two of you some space. “This is impossible, how could this happen?” You were close to yelling as tears stung inside of your eyes. For months, this scenario had been a dream before it turned into an absolute nightmare. You felt like crawling in on yourself, shutting everything out and trying to forget it had ever happened. “It’s going to be alright princess. We’re going to figure this out.” Taehyung tried to reassure you, but you could hear the terror inside of his voice. It broke your heart, that he couldn’t be happy about this, that this couldn’t be a wonderful experience for him.

“How can you say that? I can’t be pregnant Taehyung! It might kill me. God…” You pulled your hands out of his hold, pressing them against your face as the tears began to flow. How could it be possible that by creating a new life, you might possibly end your own. “I’m such a failure. You could still leave, you don’t have to go through this. I would understand it if you…” You heard the sharp intake of his breath. Saw the way he turned away from you abruptly, his hands behind his neck as he walked towards the other side of the room. When he twisted back towards you, his cheeks were wet, and his eyes looked wild. “How can you say such I thing? After everything we’ve been through together! I don’t know how this happened __________. But I was prepared to put aside my desire to have children in order to be with you. How could you think, for even a second, that I would want to leave now?” 

He was almost screaming, and you could tell you’d hurt him with your words by the look on his face. You sobbed, because you had no idea why you were saying such things. You just wanted to grant him a chance to get out before things really got messy. Crossing the distance between the two of you, he quickly wrapped his arms around you, engulfing you in a strong hug. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m going do everything I can to make sure that this is all going to be okay. I promise. We’re going to do this, together.”

Jungkook

“Shit, oh shit…” Your breathing came out in little puffs as you stared down at the little stick inside of your hands. All of a sudden, your entire world seemed to have turned upside down. Everything was perfect, yet everything was ruined. There was no way you would ever be able to describe the feelings which were whirling inside of you right now. A wave of nausea crashed into you and you held onto the edges of the sink in the hope to stabilize yourself. The world was spinning too fast. “Babe… We got to get going.” Jungkook called from outside of the bathroom. He’d been talking about going down for breakfast for the past half an hour, because once he had his mind set on food, there was nothing that could stop him from getting it. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to breath in through you nose, and out through your mouth. This really couldn’t be happening right now. You and Jungkook had decided to get a little get away, just the two of you. It had been three amazing days so far, and you’d completely lost yourselves in each other’s company. For once you’d been able to let go of all of your worries and frustrations about work and expectations. And now, and now what? This couldn’t be happening. “Honey, we’re going to miss breakfast, we really have to go.” Jungkook opened the bathroom door and pushed his head between the crack. His eyes scanned the room for a moment, before they landed on you.

“Hey…” He rushed over, seeing they way you were bent over the sink. In a matter of seconds, his hands were on your shoulders, his fingers softly kneading your muscles. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick again?” He asked, concern lingering inside of his voice as he brushed away the curtain of hair which was hanging down in front of your face. His eyes were searching for yours, and he must have noticed you looked rather pale. “Maybe we should get you to a doctor baby, just a quick check up? You’ve been feeling like this for two days now, I’m starting to get a little worried.” Of course he would never guess what was really going on. You’d always been safe. There was no reason for you not to be. 

This wasn’t on your to do list. By now you had both accepted that this was never going to be in your future. And here he was, your adorably sweet boyfriend, worried if you might have a stomach bug. “No…” You muttered softly, slowly lifting your head and shaking your head away from your face, closing your eyes for a second as you tried to compose yourself. How to tell him something like this? There was no right reaction. “But, we need to make sure you didn’t catch some kind of virus.” He kept going, and his innocence sent a jolt through your heart. Opening your eyes you searched for his inside of the mirror. His eyebrows were drawn dawn, a frown visible in between them. ���It’s not a stomach bug.” You said, and took a deep breath as you picked up the test.

His frown seemed to deepen as he looked down on the test in your hold. He blinked rapidly a few times, and he stuttered a few uncomprehensive words before he brought out, “You have Covid? I thought the symptoms were a little different.” You almost wanted to laugh at him for saying this. But you could never laugh at his innocence. As a matter of fact, it might just make you cry. “Oh baby, it’s not Covid either. It’s not that kind of test.” You had no idea how to make your voice sound. Apologetic, full of sorrow. Or a mix of excitement and dreadful. His gaze stared inside of you, confusion written all over his face as his eyes searched your expression. 

“But it has the two lines and…” He muttered, and then you saw it. You saw the realization dawn on him as his expression evened out, his face becoming blank. His chest expanded as he took a deep breath, and it slowly escaped through his nose. “You’re pregnant.” He stated, a matter of fact, not a question. You watched him as his shoulders squared, tension filling his entire body as he turned his back towards you and walked towards the toilet on the other side of the room. He brushed his hands through his hair before closing the lit and sitting down on top of it. With his legs wide, he put his elbows down on top of it, lacing his hands together as he looked up at you.

“It’s impossible, we used a condom.” He started, and you could tell by the look on his face that he was begging you to tell you the test was wrong. That this was all a big joke. You bit down on your bottom lip, feeling as if your floor was getting pulled from underneath your feet. You didn’t know whether to scream, or cry, or laugh. “A condom can snap, it can have a hole in it. It’s not 100 percent pregnancy proof.” You said, since this was one of the first questions you had asked yourself as soon as you started noticing the signs. It’s what you told yourself to reassure yourself that this couldn’t be real, this couldn’t be happening. You hadn’t had to look it up in order to know it, yet you’d done so anyway. And the internet had confirmed your suspicions. 

“But you thought your period was about to start, you said you were bleeding.” He backtracked, and you knew that once again, he was right. You’d spotted some red spots in your underwear two days ago. It had seemed strange at that time, because your period wasn’t supposed to be due in another week. “Apparently there is this thing called spotting, it’s a common thing with pregnancy. It kinds of looks like your period, but it’s not.” Jungkook looked like he was at a lost for words. His mouth opened, then closed again without any words getting out. You understood his confusion, you had felt the same way before this. You almost felt betrayed by your own body.

“But, maybe the test is wrong? It can be false positive right? I’ve heard about those things before…” He tried as walked towards him and you picked up the two other tests you had bought and done before he walked in on you. You’d laid them on the back of the toilet behind him, too stunned to take them with you to the sink when you were done. “They’re all two lines. They’re all positive.” You squeaked as he took the tests from you and held them up to his face. Quickly you swatted his hand away. “Don’t smell those Jungkookie, I pied on them.” You scolded him, and he lowered them down, staring at the two lines. “Right, obviously.” A silence fell over the two of you and you watched your boyfriend closely as you monitored his reaction. 

All different kinds of thoughts passed over his face, you saw them, following each other one by one. You could see the disbelieve, something close to betrayal. Next up you so the worry. Yet, your heart broke when for even the slightest second, you saw his eyes light up, pure joy visible inside of them, before realization hit him like a slap in the face and all that was left was fear and sadness. “Oh god, what are we going to do?” He muttered, and you shook your hands in front of you as you felt the tears pooling inside of your eyes. How could the world be so unfair. It had taken you years to get over the fact that you would never be able to have children of your own. That pregnancy would be too dangerous for you to go through. That you’d failed in one of the things you were put on his earth to do, even as more and more people believed differently by now.

It was cruel, that now when the two of you had finally accepted that you would never have kids, that this would happen. “Fuck, fuck…” You could feel tears running down your cheeks as your beaths became shallow. Your vision blurred, and you could tell you were started to hyperventilate. How could this be? Instantly, Jungkook shot up from his seat on the toilet and was next to you in the blink of an eye. “Baby, no, look at me.” He grabbed hold of your face with both of his hands, his grip firm but not painful. You focused on the way his thumbs brushed against your cheeks, catching your tears as they fell. “Look at me ___________, breath honey.” He guided you through it, breathing with you in the hope to calm you down. Eventually you did, and you focused on the fact that at least the two of you were in this together. 

No matter what happened, at least you had the strongest and sweetest man in the universe by your side. “It’s going to be okay, we’re going to figure this out.” And as he said it, you weren’t sure who exactly he was trying to convince, you or himself. Because even as he said it, you could see the anxiety and the worries written all over his face. Slowly your breathing evened out, and oxygen was dividing itself evenly inside of your lungs. It wasn’t fair, most people, when they heard this new, they were happy, thrilled. You were absolutely terrified. “What are we going to do?” You whispered, placed your hands on top of his and he shook his head as he brought them up towards his lips, kissing them softly. “

I don’t know, but we’ll be fine. I guess we’re having a baby, unless…” Doubt clouded his mind, and just thinking about it, made you feel sick again. You’d always known that you would never be able to do that. You would never be able to get rid of something you had longed for so badly. It was why you had always avoided it in the first place. “I guess we are.” You confirmed, and he sighed, as if relieved you were the one making that choice. He leaned his forehead against yours, your breaths mingling together as you got lost into his eyes. 

“This is so fucking scary.” He said, and you nodded. It was scary in many ways. You were scared for your own health, about everything that might go wrong. But you were also scared because after thinking it would never happen, right now it seemed you were going to be a mom. And Jungkook would be a dad, a perfect, absolutely amazing dad. Even though he probably didn’t believe that right now. “Yes, it’s fucking terrifying. But we’re going to face this, together.”

∙ Part one ♡

∙ BTS Masterlist ♡ ∙ Masterlist ♡

[jadedbirch]

Hi i know this is kinda random and i found your post through @certifiedsexed but !

Your post made me realize i was right, i am basically going through a menopause on the new in store birth control ( called o pill ). Which i know some prescribed birth control pills do that but this is my third and wow. Its horrible.

I'm actually considering going off of it and going back to prescribed, I've had pretty much everything you described.

Dry bits

Cold / hot flashes

Night sweats / heavy sweating in general

The sudden worse memory / memory issues

Brain fog thats worse ( keep in mind i have mental disorders that can cause both of those issues- however i thought it was weird that its been really hard for me lately )

Low libido. Like very low.

Not to mention the bit THAT NO ONE TOLD ME until i found out through the horrible doctor google ( and other links ) that birth control shrinks your dink ( apologies for being blunt but i mean the clit so others who read this know * )

Context: I'm a very young adult, drinking age in america.

I didn't have THIS big of a problem with the prescribed birth control pills. If you know anyone or anyone who reads this has taken o pill i would like to hear their experiences.

I thought i was just being dramatic because I'm disabled , but it turns out I've just been making myself miserable. Thank you for that post, i know it wasn't really your original intent but it still helps a lot, at least i can now take care of myself.

Should i tell the doctor that it basically put me through menopause "young" and made me feel miserable or do you think thats a bad idea?

Hi Anon,

I didn't want to just pull an answer out of the proverbial butthole, so like the recovering scientist that I am, I tried to research this. For context, the O Pill is an over the counter, progestin-only birth control pill sold in the US. It works a lot like other BC pills, in that it prevents ovulation and embryo implantation. The big difference with progestin-only pills is that - fun fact - they prevent the build up of tissue is the uterus, so you're essentially supposed to stop bleeding eventually (has this happened to you? How long have you been on it?). Your symptoms sound terrible and while they do sound like menopause, birth control isn't known to "put" someone in menopause. Just because something looks like a dog, doesn't mean it's not actually a wolf, right? But you're right - birth control can lead to clitoris atrophy (ack!), loss of sex drive, and vaginal dryness. Super yay 🙄

The first thing I would do - for science - is get off the O Pill and see if your symptoms go away - at least then you'll know if there's a causal connection to the O Pill. If you've had similar symptoms with other birth control pills, you might not be able to take BC pills. In any case, I would definitely speak to your doctor because there might be a different underlying problem causing all of this distress and maybe it can be treated.

To answer your last question, it's generally not a great idea to antagonize doctors (most of them are already assholes - just kidding - not really - but #NotAllDoctors). But for real, you want them to take you seriously, so you need to advocate for yourself very clearly. Tell them about your symptoms but don't label it as "menopause". Doctors will respond better to just facts. (I've worked with many MDs so just take my word for it - most of them are not out of the box thinkers, and it's not their fault; it's just not how they're trained.). Tell them how you'd like them to help, i.e. what your main concerns are. You may not get a lot of answers about how or why you're getting these side effects (again, our medical system SUCKS at diagnosing anything - which is why we have "diseases" like IBS and fibromyalgia - those are just ways of the doctor telling you they are bad at their job and don't know what's wrong with you), but you might get suggestions for better forms of BC that could work with your unique chemistry.

Finally, I want to say that it really sucks that you're going through this and I really hope you get some answers soon! As someone who spent 15 years getting gaslit by doctors who never could diagnose my chronic illness, I really feel you and hope you don't have the same annoying ass journey! 💖

[moose-mousse]

Guild Structure

Wanted to write a long reply to this post:

Spreading experience around is always awesome! :D

It is good for the firm you are working at as workers perform better.

it is good for whoever is getting taught since they get smarter.

And it is good for the one teaching, both for the pleasure but also because you learn a LOT by being forced to explain what you know to someone else. It crystalizes the knowledge and experience you have acquired, and forces you to go through the basics again, but this time with all your knowledge and experience, you often learn deeper, more complex truths, methods and skills from doing so than it is POSSIBLE to do when you learn them while having little clue what they are ( Function pointers and their safer class versions is a classic for OOP programmers ).

There is a structure a firm can use as soon as it starts having separated departments. Departments, while necessary, makes a firm more segregated, and makes it harder for knowledge to flow around.

It is called Guild Structure Or rather... some important context if you google this: "Guild Structure" is the only way I have heard of it, but "Guild Structure" is also a product from a firm called FourWeekMBA... which is a consulting firm that sells services that firms that is... basically helping them implement these ideas... So you can easily risk finding overcomplicated explanations for what it is, since if they made it easy to understand... then they do not have a product...

And it is super simple. Normal development work for engineers and software is done in smaller teams... usually 4-8 people. sometimes all are in a domain (like software, electronics, finance, marketing, etc), and sometimes mixed. Often... either being mixed, or having several teams with different domains meet relatively often, like several times a month is a good idea. Because it stops misunderstandings from developing, since they are caught early. It is a waste when the software department develops functionality that it turns out no one actually wanted (Which happens... a lot more than anyone likes)

Firms, managers and workers are often afraid to do this. Usually for 2 reasons. One bad, and one that Guild structure fixes. The bad one is not wanting to risk looking stupid in front of other people. When software, marketing and finance people talk about what to develop... each domain is asking questions in a domain they are not experts in. That is the symptom and consequences of toxic firm culture. Talk about it in the open, communication is how you slowly work on and attack this, both in firms and personal relationships. Because they are both about making humans work better together.

The other is a fair enough one. Software people will learn a lot of software tricks that are only helpful to other software people. And if software people are spread around in these teams the knowledge cannot flow very well. Basically, while mixing domains fixed a whole bunch of knowledge flowing issues... it created a new one for domain specific knowledge...

This is where you make guilds. Make public guilds. There are clear lists of the guilds, explanations of their domains and several example for each guild for what kind of domain they are covering.

In some firms, a software guild is enough. In others, embedded software, high level software, front end and back end are different guilds. It depends a lot on the firm.

The guilds have communication between all members ( chatrooms usually ) and meetings every month. They will try to encourage knowledge sharing by giving tools, like shared drives where good guides, tutorials and tricks are shared. Sometimes written by guild members, sometimes found online (If you just had the though "Wait... is that not what Codeblr does?" you have just realized that Codeblr is a naturally formed guild), having people who have good ideas they want to spread give presentations during the monthly meeting, rewarding the best idea of the month. People can participate as individuals, or small groups (Tricks are often found by 2-3 people working together).

Meetings can be physical, or remote, or switch between them, doing both.

This basically solves the issue of knowledge sharing. It also empowers workers while making the firm better. Everyone wins!

[wc-confessions]

On the topic of the whole Clangen Disabilities and Disorders mod thing- i feel the need to mention Starwalker isn't the only potentially offensive name. now- i don't have any of the following conditions, but i do participate in alot of mental health awareness conversations and this feels familiar to other things i've seen people with the disorders say. if this isn't as bad as it seems to me, please let me know.

Psychosis, Schizophrenia and Schizoid Personality Disorder are all under the same condition in the mod, which they've called "Otherworldly Mind".

it isn't mentioned on the server, but it is in the mod key google doc they link in a pinned message. i should also mention the screenshotted message that one person gave is out of date, as is the pinned message in the server. BPD has been changed to "Strong Soul" as seen in the mod key doc. if that's any better i wouldn't know, i don't have BPD.

I initially had something else typed up but I've thought more and changed my mind.

I especially do not like the labelling of depression as "heavy soul". As someone who has been diagnosed with depression for almost 7 years now, labelling it like this feels almost romanticised if that makes sense? Like they picked the name that made depression sound the coolest? Like Cloudnettle says, these names seem to not take into account how debilitating certain conditions can be. Not once did I lay in bed and go "man, my soul sure feels heavy today :/".

I'm not mad that they wanted to come up with new names since yeah, the cats in Warriors don't exactly have names for a lot of conditions but I wish they'd put more thought into it I suppose. The way the mod appears to have these events occur in the game also feel very... reductive.

~ Mod Lichenbark

----

Personally I'm not super against the idea of making the terms but there is something to be said about names like otherworldly mind and star walker not having the room for the disabling aspects of mental disability.

It's esp annoying that they shoved different disorders into the same area just because they all have psychotic symptoms, but didnt put personality disorders together even though the ICD-11 (thats what people use globally, the DSM only exists for american health insurance) puts all personality disorders on a spectrum, while there are several distinct disorders with psychotic symptoms, and they're distinct because they all have other experiences associated with them that are disabling.

And I find that very annoying because i have experienced symptoms of psychosis in the past because of a manic episode, but I would never think to lump myself with people who experience it on a regular basis. Not to mention paranoia and such being a very very not fun thing to experience and Otherworldly mind making it sound like being afraid of all your friends and family is a superpower.

~ Cloudnettle

[scummy-writes]

I'm going to make this a separate post itself so its not one honkin huge thing attached to the poll when I reblog it.

Regarding Vic's health primarily (he's mainly okay from what we know atm) and comm money in general

I referenced this but cavaliers can have a lot of neurological issues. Apparently this stems from their skulls being too small for their brains often?

I took him to the vet on 10/19 because he was having an issue with what I thought was his ear. What has been happening, since the day I got him back in june, is that he would occasionally scratch at his left ear and start yelping a lot. The place i got him at checked it and said he was fine, the vet I took him to just a couple of days after also checked it and said he was fine. They said that it was likely an anxious thing, so it was dismissed.

And to be blunt, for a while, he only had that yelping scratch occasionally. But within the past monthish it started getting more frequent. And then when it hit too often (4-7 times a week), I called the vet after the first long run of it happening persistently and got an appt a week later. I got worried he had an ear infection even though he was showing no actual signs of an infection of any sort.

And they did the full gambit of an exam, even cleaned his ears, and verified again: no ear infection. No seeming issue with the ear itself. But, she explained she noticed he had a weird gait, which she later called a hypermetric gait, and said shes very worried he has ataxia and/or some issue with his cerebellum. She immediately worked on a referral and told me the neurologist is likely going to want an MRI and to expect it, and that I needed to get him checked out Soon as she was worried the ear thing would get worse. Which. When I explained again how often it was occurring, she seemed more concerned and ran to get pain meds for Vic.

Neurologist was closed friday, so I spent the whole weekend googling what I could. Ataxia is not a illness, but its a symptom. I have no idea of what, and thats what I gotta get checked out. Googling it was uhhhhh. Not fun. Google scared me with talking about how bad cases of conditions that ataxia is connected to usually require the pet to be put down.

Looking on reddit made me feel a bit better. Specifically cavalier talk reddit. Sometimes this thing leads to surgery, but it also seems very likely that (in a good case scenario), Vic may just have a life of pain management. Hopefully minimal pain!!!!

The neurologist called me today and scheduled an appt for nov 2nd. Apparently its an exam and, if needed, MRI same day. Exam is $180 (wheeze), and an MRI can be anywhere between 3k-4k (wheezes louder).

As long as talks with bank go well, if they push for an MRI, I'm going to do it. Even if the diagnosis is that Vic is just a silly lil dude with anxiety, it'll be worth it, you know? For the peace of mind, to know there isn't anything scary with his noggin.

The MRI can be rescheduled, so that will be my next option if bank talk does not go well, but. Thats the info I got. Please keep in mind what the vet said verses what I googled, as google is not a vet.

When it comes to commissions, the funds will likely not go to this. This is why:

Every time I get paychecks, I look on my Bill Schedule and deduct all the stuff that will be coming out that paycheck and work with whatever is leftover. Usually thats not a crazy amount left. If I succeed with regular comms, the money would be going towards any bills I may be struggling with that paycheck/month, or small things to help like. Yaknow. Live outside of bills. Like money towards a cheap haircut. Some energy drinks that week. Getting a couple of extra things when grocery shopping instead of what I count as absolutely needed only.

I wanna be transparent, so I am. It'd likely go towards treats for me to make living not unbearable. That is that. It wouodnt be going towards Me commissioning others, though I will be transparent Still and state I did pay for a small comm before vet visit and so if yall see that, that was smth i paid for already.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Working on a fic rn that is killing me, I GOTTA talk about it. Imagine ftm Izaya being asked by Shinra and Celty to be their surrogate bc their options are limited and they assume he wouldn't be able to get attached to the baby bc of his aspd and general disposition (unfair assumption on their part) Izaya only agrees bc he can't stand the idea of disappointing Shinra and proceeds to go through the mental anguish of dysmorphia and carrying a baby that's not even his that he wants to love so much

i. man. ive been presenting this ask to my friends all day because this is such a good fucking idea. this is perhaps the best drr fic of all time by my personal ranking (which also happens to be the correct ranking) and i thought id give you a couple fun little bits of informed mation that could possibly help you with this fic :) one of them is surrogacy related the other is aspd related

SO!!! the first thing i did was show my fiance and i said, well, izaya could keep the baby if he wanted, surrogacy laws are in his favor. but then i thought..... are they? because i was basing that off surrogacy laws in the us..... so i googled it!

surrogacy in japan is um, Extremely Controversial! first off, surrogates do have legal guardianship of the baby, the parents who want the baby have to go thru a formal adoption process, and if it goes to court, courts would most likely side with the surrogate.

BUT!!!!!! the welfare of the child is explicitly stated to be the first and foremost concern. at the end of the day, a married couple could very well win over a single man, especially a single man with antisocial personality disorder, if his diagnosis is on record anywhere. (of course this is all dependent on whether or not izaya GOES to court, and if celty can keep her helmet on and pose as a mute human woman)

either way, this all but confirms that shinra would be izaya's obgyn. imagine at every checkup, shinra is cooing over how well his baby is doing, completely oblivious to how upset izaya is <3 did u know that if you're trans and you get pregnant, you have to stop taking your hrt? too much testosterone can cause miscarriages- very high levels of natural T is actually why i'm infertile </3 so that can be a little extra angst for izaya~ <3

NEXT! THING!!

let me introduce u to the concept of aspd exceptions <3

it's..... kind of like the aspd version of a pwbpd's favorite person? kind of? not really

it's like. sometimes, for one person, the aspd will not be aspding. they're... literally the exception to how your symptoms work. things like empathy and yeah even remorse will work within like, normal operating levels. it's kind of weird tbh and kind of distressing? like, since you're not used to these emotions being there, especially with how strong they are, you have no way to cope with them. it sucks major ass and while it can being people closer together, it also sucks major ass. like.... if you never felt remorse before, suddenly feeling remorse over something you commonly do just because you did it to one Specific Person, leaves you with this very strong, very bad emotion, that you have no way to cope with!

and its not just remorse too, things like empathy fire off at full cylinders, so like... if ur used to just using cognitive empathy and logicing out things, imagine how much itd suck to suddenly be ass blasted by Functioning Normally Affective Empathy

anyway there's this one lady on tiktok who has aspd, and she talks about aspd symptoms a lot. she has a young child, and that child is her exception

get what i'm getting at here? ;) imagine izaya going thru all this then, while already distressed, dysphoric, and hormonal, shit like EMPATHY and strong STRONG emotional ties started kicking in wrt his baby and now he has to deal with extremely strong emotions he is not used to!

(and in case ur wondering, yes i do have exceptions, but who it exactly IS changes from time to time and the feeling ebbs away over time too so sometimes i don't have one)

anyway!!! i love this fic already. PLEASE dm me i need to go absolute ham over this with you. please. please . i can introduce u to my friends so thats like. 3 friends for the price of one

please tell me this ends happily i do not think i would be able to handle it if it did not. please. i am crying and begging and pissing . please.

[theofreakingbell]

I'm sad I haven't been able to be on here much for a while, a lot has happened and I've been very tired from it but we have a very good lead on what may be wrong with me and causing the sensory f*ckery and I've been feeling a lot of things because of that. Hope, terror that it's another dead end, an odd sort of numbness because it's so overwhelimg in a way, the fact that this has been messing with me for over half my life and only now after it has held me in a profoundly messed up and horrible state for 5+ years am I beginning to get any sort of explaination as to why, let alone how to remedy it. 

I don't wanna say the name of it rn, and I hopefully will be getting scans soon to confirm, but I think this is it. the symptoms match up perfectly, and I sobbed when I googled it and read things bc if this suggestion is right, I was so close. so so tremendously close. down to the precise part of the inner ear that is affected. that was my guess and what I was demanding be investigated. the scans I was begging for, even tho my doctor thought it was unlikely, would have found it too. I was second guessing myself badly bc I had no hard proof and I had no idea if I would ever know because of how many times I've been given nothing or they found nothing but yeah. I may know for sure soon and that's huge. huge huge. 

but yeah it's a lot and since I can barely move or think on a normal day it's been very hard but also I am so excited to see if we're right. bc that could unlock a world of possibility much of which I thought I had lost forever (not so much the light sensitivity, that only got really bad 6 or so years ago so I figured it hopefully wasn't permanent but the vestibular issues have been bad enough since I was around twelve I could not casually lay down except for sleeping because it would disorient me so much, so the possibility of like even... laying on the floor with my cats... I nearly tear up at it. it's wild). the condition it likely is is treatable! fixable, even! just one fairly small surgery to fix the issue. it's surreal

but yeah it's a lot and I'm exhausted so I have no idea if I'll be on here much but for once it's not just cause something is bad! and I wanted to tell y'all that cause I'm so hopeful rn 🥹☺️❤️

[satoshihiwatari]

anyway waiting until tomorrow to see what is happening with my mum. they are doing a lumbar puncture test to see what's going on with her weird blood cell counts. So it's been a very anxious time since she went to hospital yesterday, and I'm not sure how long it will take them to get the results once they have done the test.

Stupidly I googled her symptoms (always a bad idea) which just made me more anxious as one of the possibilities is leukaemia. But I am just praying that it's something more easily treatable instead. She is only 66, but her cousin was also around that age when she died from leukaemia in 2020 :(

However I think if the doctors thought it was that bad, they wouldn't have sent her home last night and told her to come back two days later, if they thought it was too serious they probably would have done the tests quicker like they did with her cousin (same day).

I'm distracting myself with packing which is going well, I've emptied my storage under the bed and both bookcases, and most fragiles are already wrapped in clothes to pad them and packed in either my suitcase or boxes.

On Monday one of my current housemates is hiring a zipvan to help me take the two bookcases and the desk over to the new place, and I'm hoping to put some of the heavier boxes (of books) in the van at the same time.

Stupidly the moving boxes that I bought are big enough that they would be too heavy and difficult to carry on a bus, so I think if we can't fit them into the zipvan then the plan would be:

Go first early in the morning (maybe around 9?) to the new place with my suitcase and big rucksack.

Get the keys and introduce myself to the new housemates

Empty the suitcase and rucksack in the new room

travel back to my current house and proceed with zipvan plan

whichever boxes wont' fit in the van, I can re-pack the stuff from at least one of these into the suitcase and rucksack and take that separately on the bus (it's only a 10 min walk then 10 min bus journey between the two)

rinse and repeat for as many boxes as I have left after the van.

it's possible we might have to make two trips with the van anyway depending on size (the two bookcases AND the desk are quite big together). which would probably solve this problem if necessary!

anyway I was stressed about the move before, but now that my mum's health is in question, planning the move is actually a very useful distraction until we can find out what it is.