#the women are just given nothing compared to the men & i fucking hate it i wanna care about them so bad. i want to care. so bad.

[windupaidoneus]

ok ive finished the dlc so now i can properly say my least favourite thing about dragon age awakening is that the women feel like an afterthought & don't fit in the group at all. & i want to care about them & their banter so much. but i really don't because the game is giving me fucking nothing

[idontmindifuforgetme]

how do you fall in love with yourself

unlearn the idea that confidence is conceit. i see this belief imposed on women especially, that if they’re very unapologetic about loving themselves it automatically means they’re narcissistic / think they’re better than everybody else. that’s not true at all. you can love yourself while also acknowledging you’re not inherently better than anyone else. you can love yourself while also being kind & supportive to others. it’s okay to be both of these things at once.

let go of the scarcity mindset. women (everyone really, but especially women) get pitted/compared against each other all the time. you see it w female celebrities in the media, but it’s very prevalent in real life as well. this is very much years of societal conditioning & both women & men partake in this behavior. ignore it. rest easy knowing that there can be multiple beautiful women, multiple smart women, multiple funny women in any environment at any given time. there is enough clout to go around; you don’t need to feel like if there’s another pretty/smart girl it means you no longer have the space to also be a pretty/smart girl. instead operate from an abundance mindset: always (alwaysss) be happy for other girls when they succeed, when they’re praised, when they’re loved, whatever. see them not as competition but as inspiration. envy is such a colossal waste of time bc nobody else’s accomplishments have any bearing on your own!!

get to know yourself more. i love the analogy of dating yourself bc it’s true. i went through a rough period of being around my ex 24/7 to the point i didn’t even know myself, and then i spent the post-breakup year hanging around everyone else constantly to numb my thoughts. now i’m spending more time alone than ever & i’m getting to know myself so much. learning about my taste in fashion, music, everything. and i’ve had so much more time to invest in hobbies & skills, which is very instrumental to building healthy self-esteem. ofc there’s a more balanced way to do this, but make sure you’re not running away from yourself!

what do you like outside of everybody’s opinion? don’t interpret this the wrong way—it’s completely fine to be inspired. every single person you know has copied someone else to an extent. but if you find yourself going too far, not trusting yourself to make the simplest decisions, just following trends blindly and nothing else, you’ve left the inspiration territory and started crossing into plagiarism. move from a place of self-direction and really think about what is naturally appealing to you. it doesn’t matter if it’s not popular or nobody else likes it. if you like it & if it makes you happy, that’s all you need.

practice self-love! i had to do this lol but it works wonders. i started intentionally telling myself that i trust my own taste, that i trust my own choices, that if i think something’s cool it’s good enough, talking to myself kindly etc etc. eventually all this stuff will become natural to you & you won’t find yourself having to expend so much energy into simply loving you for you. don’t give up even if it’s hard to believe at times.

don’t give a fuck. seriously. just don’t give a single flying fuck what someone else has to say. there will always be That One Person who tries to tear you down, belittles you, gaslights you etc etc and if you know in your heart you’re not doing anything wrong, just ignore and keep it pushing. you can’t be everyone’s favorite person (nor should you want to be). think of your favorite celebrity. anyone ever. they probably all got subjected to hate. now think of how they’re successful still & how it didn’t take anything away from them. there you go <3

if literally everyone on this planet starts hating you, loving yourself is still the antidote. to clarify, how others perceive us does hold weight. but if legit every single person i know started hating me, and i still loved myself, i’d probably still live a full life bc my perception is all that really matters in the end. i don’t need anyone else to be my #1 fan—i can do that myself just fine. it technically is actually your world & everyone else is just living in it. so enjoy that! stop giving a hard time to the one person who will always be w you through thick and thin (yourself). eat good food & watch good shows & read good books & just have fun. i love u

[thebibutterflyao3]

Marauders Fandom

We need to talk about Lily Evans.

The amount of misogyny directed at this character is truly mind-boggling and I think many of you are completely unaware you’re doing it. There are so many rich, in-depth characterizations of the male characters in the Marauders era because we accept that they are deeply flawed people. It’s because of these flaws that we identify with them, adore them, and can relate to them. These four idiots experience damaging trauma, homophobia, discrimination, and countless character building experiences that allow them to capture your imagination. Through fanfiction, we inflict numerous situations and create relationships that challenge logic, reality, and canon. It makes them powerful figures in our minds!

Now, let’s talk about the female Marauders era characters. Dorcas and Marlene are lesbians. Marlene is a Sirius-variant. Dorcas and Mary are Black. Lily is perfect in every way. Mary is stylish and popular. This is more or less the level of depth given to these characters in nearly every fic I’ve read that includes them. What a disgusting disservice to women.

Female characters can be written with just as many flaws, experience the same challenges, and deserve the opportunity to grow into the powerful figures they could be. The one that I feel is shafted the most often is Lily mother-fucking Evans. The witch who was at the top of her class, compared in canon to Hermione as a perfectionist and know-it-all muggle-born, who grew up with Petunia as an older sister, and Severus Snape as a best friend. You’re going to look me in the eyeballs and tell me this woman wasn’t complicated? She wasn’t flawed, traumatized, and intense? We’ve taken the rich characterization potential this character offered and given it to Regulus Black. The correlations that can be made between Regulus and Lily are wild, yet anyone who writes her as anything but sunshine and rainbows is accused of villainizing her.

News flash: Your misogyny is showing. Why do you expect Lily to be perfect? Because society expects women to be perfect. Why are male characters allowed to be flawed assholes? Because society allows and accepts men as flawed assholes, encourages it even.

I find it endlessly fascinating that I can write Regulus as a snarky, intense, anxious, and a complete prick with nothing but full support from the fandom because he’s “traumatized.” If I write Lily the same way? I’m “villainizing” her or you “hate her” for thinking she knows better than everyone else. Stop treating women like dolls. We are powerful individuals with the potential to brighten or destroy your whole fucking world. Don’t make the same mistake the patriarchy has and dismiss, undermine, and overlook women.

I know Lily Jane Evans (yes, I gave her a middle name because she fucking deserves one). I wrote a 430k+ deep dive into her childhood and upbringing, as well as all 7 years at Hogwarts. I explored her friendship with Snape, her family, and her relationship with James. I’ve done my research and I built her character from the ground up. Lily Evans is an anxious, intense, introvert who made Hogwarts her home and rose to the rank of Head Girl before she left. Sound like Percy Weasley to anyone? She’s certainly a compassionate, loving, and generous person too, but let her have flaws! Let her be annoying, feel inadequate, and fuck things up! Let her live!

If you want more fanfiction focused on female characters, stop pretending they are perfect. No one wants to write about perfect people. No one wants to read about them either. Let women be flawed assholes too. We can do both. We’re flexible like that.

[mongeese]

I'm not involving myself in the arguments again, but ep 1 Carol snaps that she "always knew Darryl would do something like this one day" and had a larger reaction to the car crashing than (her phrasing) "losing the kid".

So that's why the initial impression of Carol is that she is mean, and Matt's later dad facts + Darryl referencing Carol calling him fat and Darryl hiding his hobbies from her give a certain impression to people.

I do not care about discourse that happened probably years ago because it simply doesn't matter but I AM a defender of fictional women so I'm gonna reply to this. Know that any bitchiness in this post is not directed toward you specifically anon but rather it is directed toward general misogynistic fandom culture (which is rampant).

First point, Carol snapping at Darryl: obviously that's an imperfect reaction, but she's also just had the bombshell dropped on her that her husband crashed their car and lost their son. I think I can forgive her some anger in this moment. There's also probably built up resentment toward Darryl being expressed in this conversation, because she's falling out of love with him and he is the exact opposite of emotionally intelligent and I'm sure communication has been deteriorating between them for a while. Not ideal, but I can't particularly fault her for it. Also, literally in the same conversation, Darryl asks Carol to ask Darnell about the plays he emailed him, while his son is missing, which suggests that he is not always the most responsible! Perhaps giving some credence to her statement!

Reading the transcript, she didn't have a larger reaction to denting the hood of the car. Darryl said it last and she processed it first, but immediately after she began berating him much more intensely about losing their son. Which, again, is cruel but also understandable, given that in her mind there's no explanation for how he could've lost track of Grant other than gross negligence.

Gonna be honest and say I remember nothing about the context of Carol calling Darryl fat. I'd assume it was either a bit of a mean joke that Darryl took very personally bc his self esteem is in the gutter, or her saying he should lose weight. Neither is good, and I won't defend them, but also, compared to all the other shit characters do in the podcast? So tame.

Darryl hides everything from everyone. That's like, the core of his character. It's entirely possible that any hobbies he hides from Carol is simply because he's ashamed of them for catholic guilt/toxic masculinity/general weird repression paranoia reasons, and not because of anything she said or did.

Ultimately this is a pointless exercise because even if all those things WERE as bad as people make them out to be, I'd still be a Carol defender, because all 4 of the dads canonically do things which are way worse. Glen in particular is undeniably a shitty person (at least until 2/3 through the podcast, where I'm at right now), and Ron isn't much better. Yet they're both fan favorites. Why are they given the grace to make mistakes and be mean and thoughtless and flawed and still be liked, but Carol is hated? Could it, mayhaps, have something to do with the fact that they are men? And thus their shitty behavior is fine, because they're oh-so deep, but clearly CAROL doesn't have that depth, because she's just a woman, and she should be more understanding, and motherly, and caring, etc etc.

Like. I'm just fucking begging people in fandom spaces to have an ounce of self awareness and think about why, maybe, you're so ready to hate the female characters who don't act nice all the time, but you love the flawed tragic backstory men? What dominant power structure and social conditioning could be at work here? You are not immune to internalized misogyny (yes, even if you're a woman)

[yuzuyoon]

Can I just say something without coming across as a major anti?

What the fuck is up with JKs fans? They are literally collaring fake data and trying to prove how JMs streams are fraudulent, camping under every tweet and vilifying JM? Is it because they know deep down that he is as successful as JK and would have been more successful if he was given an iota of support JK got? JM didn't even get support comparable to Standing Next To You? Has Jimin always been their benchmark and now they are scared that what they thought of JKs popularity is all wrong? I know that people think JK was gaining popularity but was he though? Seven eas everywhere because the company promoted it everywhere, paid radio advertisement in every country, sent him to perform everywhere? Like do they genuinely believe that Seven would have that many streams if it was treated as how WHO is being treated? WHO is objectively a better song so people are listening to it. Have his fans always been this embarrassing or has this gotten worse?

By the way this isn't to say PJMs arent perry as fuck either. Some of them and their actions are questionable. But damn JJKs have been so embarrassing lately? Like two boys can be popular in their own right, calm the fuck down. Also has always been a household name. There are metrics to prove that. I know popularity changes and I am sure it will change but to harp on about it for this long is so bizarre.

I am sorry but if they genuinely thought JK was the Gps favourite and so popular, why would Jimin then even matter. JK supposedly has GP to carry him. To be honest I feel sad for JK because he is talented and honestly has so much potential. Him and Jimin can co-exist. That's totally fine but his fans just don't get it. And now he is stuck with weird and crazy fans that will drop him as soon as they find out he isn't gay (which he might be, I am not sure), he is/was dating women or even men and he is just a normal dude just like the rest of us haha.

its literally the simplest thing. they're scared that their fav will lose his title of "the most popular bts member" (a title that he doesn't even own, might i add)

we have to remember, most solos were once army or they're akgaes who never cared for the other members. army has a reputation of being a toxic fandom, but that's just the mark of a big fandom. all fandoms have that loud minority of terrible, toxic people. the bigger the fandom, the larger number of toxic fans. of course there are gonna be some bad apples in jimin's fandom, that's just how it works

the thing is, when you look at army as a whole, most people will say jk is either their bias, used to be their bias as a baby army, or their bias wrecker. so when you take army as a whole, put together the stats of the toxic fandom and the jk loving fandom, and then split them into solo fandoms, the fact that a lot of people like jk means that a lot of those toxic fans are making their way into jk's solo fandom. jk is an easy choice for most people to like and that's why a lot of new fans and locals drift towards him. it's a familiarity thing and because he's the "basic pop boy" of the group, pop fans will like him

now, for the other solo fandoms for bts are probably half composed of army and locals and half composed of actually biased people and solos. those people that are hardcore solos don't really care about being toxic because they're too focused on their fav. those are the mostly sane people who understand that hating on another member will not do anything to advance the success of other members. jjks clearly do not understand this. putting down another artist does nothing but rile up their fans and encourages them to stream, buy, support, love even harder and stronger. we have seen this very clearly with all the hate Jimin has been getting. people hate and we fight back through our streams. remind me which song (seven or who) has more longevity on bb hot 100? because it's not the song that got all the praise. stay encouraged and keep fighting <3

[jotunvali02]

Playing Ace Attorney, Rise from the Ashes, part 5

My baby's heart is broken and betrayed again! NO! NO! NO!!😭😭😭😭

Hmm, this case is actually a mix of ALL of the cases until now.

Woohoo! Fee-Fee has flashes of empathy! Just like thunder! "You were 14. That's understandable. You've been through much."

Yeah, I wonder how it looked like for a 9 YEAR-OLD CHILD whose FATHER was killed to testify of it!! Especially with two adult fuckers who must have LOUDLY and violently blamed HIM during the whole trial!!!

But strangely, THAT fact is never mentionned and apparently no one gives a shit about orphan little boys accused of killing their own father!! But an older girl who was correctly treated and accused of nothing and who CLEARLY lived less brutal shit compared to baby Edgey, all the shits given!

Has Phoenix' "empathy pack" opened only now or is it a sexist, misogynistic writing from Takumi (whose from a country where it's still "women are fragile little things" and "men are insensitive, burly warriors")? I guess this is internalized shit but that's what pisses me off most.

Men, and all the more, little underage boys can have traumas and fragilities too!

"Edgeworth!?" Oooh, did I hear a skip in your heart, Feenie??💓

How the fuck do you get promoted from detective to Chief Prosecutor??…. Ooooh.

Bitch you have that MUCH compassion for Ema (granted, she deserves it), somene you've been knowing for 3 days, but NONE of it for my baby Edgeworth you've been OBSESSED with for 15 years, who lived way worse shit and for way longer??

OR… did the trial of my baby switched on the empathy light bulb in you, Fee-Fee?💡

"Attorneys and prsecutors can't share evidence." BITCH, you're not prosecutor anymore, you're an ATTORNEY's client!! And you HAVE GIVEN Phoenix evidence yourself!

Bitch, no real prosecutors are in their 20's, stop the bullshit.

Wait.

So the person who forged evidence was a detective, not a prosecutor. And she's the only detective who became a prosecutor.

So why the FUCK are you all badmouthing ALL prosecutors for the doings of ONE who wasn't even prosecutor back then?? And while one of YOUR team was a prosecutor??

Your grudges don't make any sense! You're just brainless and stupid! (as you half imply it btw) and that's just pure and sheer racism!

"I've learnt Edgey is not my enemy." Woohoo, happy to learnt it, you fuck. NOT!

Why the fuck is there an ORGAN?? Time to play some Bach! Wait. Is that office a CHURCH??

"Hm, sOmethIng iS wRoNg with ThiS pIctUre But I dOn'T Know wHat thO…"

Uuuuuuugh!!! I don't know... the big SWORD on the award or that vase that STRANGELY looks like the SL-9 evidence???

"Have you seen Mr Edgeworth?"😭 Daddy! "Are they really so many ppl who hate him?" Shut up. Shut up!! 😭

Daddy always worrying about his baby Edgey… 😭

"There's nothing wrong with Mr Edgeworth!"

"Looks like Mr Edgeworth is writing something!" 😭😭😭😭 NOOOOOOO!!

"Wh? What are you doing here??" Preventing you from killing yourself, sweet baby!!

"He quickly threw that paper on the floor." AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 💔💔💔💔💔💔

Stop saying you're ok, when you're clearly not, baby! Can I caress your soft hair to soothe you??

"Always trying to hide his real feelings." Bitch, you have NO idea of his real feelings!

"Unlike some people I don't have all day." Shut up. I swear to God, shut up!

Just cry in Fee-Fee arms!!😭

Why isn't there a "Hug Edgeworth" option????

"Seems all you do is worry about me."💗

We ALL do, baby!!😭

"There's no excuse for what I've done." Baby, again, and again, it WASN'T YOUR FAULT!!!

"Tell me why! WHY has it all come to this?" 😭😭😭😭

"You know it wouldn't hurt of you put it somewhere on a shelf."

YES IT WOULD!!! You absolute insensitive dumbass!!!!

"That has no meaning to me anymore." 😭😭😭😭 NOO!! NOO!!

"Distract Mr Edgeworth!" "Uh… hey Edgeworth! I love you! Let's have a child!"

OMG. OMG it's not THAT letter…. ooofff!

"I'm tired, Wright." So he DID tell him!

"I feel as if something inside me has died."😭😭😭

"The path I've walked hasn't been a just one. I can't forgive myself for what I've done."

"and no one else should forgive me either."

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! SHUT UUUUUUPP!!!! 💔💔💔💔💔💔

Why isn't Phoenix BAWLING HIS EYES OUT at that??

Clearly, he HASN'T succeeded in "saving" Edgeworth and he has obvious evidence here, in front of him!!

"Forgiving myself is somthing I cannot do." Will you shut up??

"Hey, would you care for roasted beef?" I'm a vegan, fucking BITCH! And I won't talk with a racist bitch who hurts and blames my baby who's so much more righteous, more caring, way more selfless and way more worthy of love and respect than you!

Phoenix: "Fuck the taxes that pay the rich!" Gumshoe: "Burglar the rich!"

Aaand my laptop CRASHED without warning after 1 hour and a half of unsaved gaming!!!!

[trans-wojak]

Cool so if misandrist anon gets to be a hateful bitch to all men do i get my get out of jail free misogynist card? I've been sexually harrassed as a 10 year old by both, but men were forced to apologize to me by other men and women, while if i was harassed by women, they thought they did absolutely nothing wrong even though i felt way more violated. I was only ever groped by women in my whole entire life. It heavily affected how my sexual orientation manifests (my attraction to women can be uncomfortable because of fear of them breaching my boundaries and treating it as an innocent joke). Men are always friendly and speak kindly to me at work but women keep taking out their anger from home at me. My boss is completely ostracised by women at work because she (yes, my boss is a woman! And her boss is a woman too!) reminds them of company policies when they get ridiculous with their demands, like wanting to have double break time compared to other departments and do no extra work to make up for it. We have one other man in the department and they keep emotionally manipulating him into working second shift in the evenings week after week because they don't want to do it, despite it being literally part of their job to be on rotation for the second shift (he shouldn't be doing this because it breaks worker safety laws).

Radfems are so fucking stupid it's unreal

Literally, like I’m technically bisexual but I have a preference for men. But I also find it’s just too hard to date women, I always constantly got put down for the same behaviours THEY do (being open about attraction and talking openly about sex). One time when I lived in shared housing, it was predominantly with women and we had music videos playing. A chick appeared wearing short shorts and I said “hell yeah” - I immediately got attacked by the girls in the room, along with my ex girlfriend trying to tell me I don’t need to be a womaniser to “act like a cis man” to be a man. While those same women would sit around discussing in detail how much they love big cocks, eating ass and licking out pussy.

I’ve been groped by a woman before, and when I tried to tell people in the friend group they told me it was my own fault for not speaking up when it happened and she didn’t really mean it. But if a man did that, they would have called him a violent rapist. Like, I wasn’t even trying to get her to be “cancelled” I’m pretty sure some of it was a misunderstanding cause I went into freeze mode but when I told her about it, she blew me off and tried to say if I don’t speak up it’s my own fault.

Also, whenever I rejected sexual advances from ex girlfriends cause I wasn’t in the mood they would start accusing me of not thinking they’re pretty/hot and I’m like no I just don’t feel like it. I wasn’t given any gentle affection, it always was assumed I wanted sexual intercourse if I was affectionate when really I just wanted to cuddle.

I swear some women will use the fact they have kids to get out of doing their part at work. It’s one thing for people to be courteous and help out but to basically force others to take all the “bad” shifts is so frustrating. Especially when these days, both parents work. And women are allowed to be verbally aggressive and no one thinks is wrong, but if a guy does it everyone acts like it’s the same as physical violence. Whereas for me, I see it the same way. At the share house, one of the women and me got into an argument. She started yelling, screaming and throwing things. I told her let’s stop please, this is scaring me. She started laughing at me and got even MORE aggressive. Like I had to threaten to call the police to get her to stop.

I try very hard to be conscious, I’m on the spectrum and at times I don’t realise the volume of my voice. Especially when I feel strong emotions. When women have told me it’s making them uncomfortable, I ask why (cause I don’t realise my voice volume) and they accuse me of pretending to not know.

Being an autistic man is harder than an autistic woman. Autistic women are seen as cute, quirky and shown sympathy for mishaps in social interactions. People assume the best intentions from them. But autistic men are seen as creepy and full of ill motives. My life was easier when I was a girl cause no one treated me with all these rigid boxes. Now I’m treated as a fucking creep automatically.

I see women as people and people can be crappy. They aren’t special. They shouldn’t be granted special treatment just for being a woman.

[davekat-sucks]

"homestuck fans when they see men: i want him to get me pregnant"

wtf which men are we talking about? they are just seen as goofballs at best or hated at worst. ive only ever seen fans fawning over dave, and even then only the imaginary uwu sad softboy they have in their heads or to ship him with karkat. speaking of which, i think a more popular mindset is that some people want to get karkat pregnant, not the other way around lol

ive also never seen anyone talk shit about any of the women except for vriska (fair) or jade/jane/feferi (unfair as fuck, and mainly because they get in the way of davekat/dirkjake/erisol or their characters were bastardized in the sequel). also ive seen more HIC thirst than hate so...

ill use this as opportunity to say that, besides vriska, porrim has the most delusional and actually sexist fans ever. they dont see how the male approved "feminist" has no personality or interests beyond fashion, her sex life, taking care of a man, and complaining about an imaginary patriarchy when her planet is literally a matriarchy and gender roles in a bisexual society where roles are given according to blood caste.

I'm guessing the other anon mean 4chan for male fans. True. Nobody imagines Karkat as top. Even if his ship name is front of something like KatNep, he's still a bottom bitch. That's why most of his ship names end with -kat. That's how much of a pussy he is. Eridan is more of an alpha than he is in that regard. All it matters to fans of Porrim is that she is lesbian like Kanaya. That's even why even nu-fans of Kanaya like her just for that. Nothing about things like moving on from loving bad people like Vriska, relying on herself to take action, or finding better trust in people like Karkat compared to Eridan. It's all about being that hot lesbian gal. She can't even be called the Mom Friend anymore, because having that label means you are suddenly an adult now and it's pedophilia if is you ship someone who is the Mom Friend. Name one fan that remembers Kanaya has an interest in GARDENING. The same hobby as Jade. The only thing that makes it questionable from Porrim is that this is the same caste that the Ancestor Feferi rules over, where all blood caste are supposedly equal or treated the same way. I'm not sure what would Feferi's stance on gender equalities would be. I'm guessing even with the equality still in placed, there's still underlying racism and sexism still around. Perhaps the fact most Jadebloods are female, there is probably still some sexism from other caste who sees Jadebloods reproducing one specific gender compared to other blood colors that have a somewhat balanced in birth rates for both male and female.

[velvetporcelain]

Why is it always “I’m in love with-“ and not “I’m in life with?”

Isn’t love just that? Life?

In life together sounds so much more wholesome. There is no generated figments of certain imagery, only life itself in which that brings love.

What does making love look like to you? How is it made? And what seems equal? Making love to me so much more than the generic definitions. It’s meshing two ideologies as one but always remaining as two. Letting each other express and think deeply. Passive exchange of thoughts and feelings. Healthy validation in the strength of our foundation.

I think being in life with someone makes you feel better and stronger as an individual. Your introspective nature becomes less present. There’s no self analysis or double thinking. Love can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on the mind itself. Do we change when we feel we are responsible for loving someone? Love shouldn’t even be a big deal in the sense of pressure because we are built for it. It’s in our DNA. Everyone abuses it in such a way it’s now choppy as hell.

Why are we so sure about the inanimate things that we love? Because they cannot reject us? Because they cannot say “no you do not love me” or “I think we have loved recklessly” HA! we love recklessly every fucking day!!

Oh my god I love this-

Omg I love that-

I want to love everything the same way. No more fucking up my frequency. I’m in love with the fact that I am in life with multiple people!! People who are receptive to connection and good for my health and because of this I feel alive. The most alive I have ever felt.

And I’m in love. I’m in love. I’m in love. I say with what? Life. All of it. I’m in love with experiencing and expanding my capacity for love bringing me life!

Today I am thankful for love. I am thankful for what love has given me and for what I have given it. I am thankful for the way I shape my thoughts.

And- and- And I also might be thankful for Lt. Aldo Raine 👀🫠

Men are amazing creatures. I feel sorry for all the women who have been hurt by them and could never look at them the same way. Who want to open their mouths and let all the bats fly from their chest right into his face with tight fists. You want them on their fucking knees swatting and begging for mercy. And you still let them fly because you know his pain is nothing compared to yours. Forcing him to cry and cry until you found it suitable enough to become an apology. Completely fucking is safe word.

BUT- But that would be the ultimate victim mentality. My sister in Christ, revenge is for the weak. My hate is only mine. Hate is fuel for love. Hate is a very transformative emotion.

See what Lt. Aldo Raine made me do there? 👀🤭I’m blushing.

I don’t consider the comparison of love an insult, but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t before.

I don’t know how I got to the end of this page. I don’t really think about the actual process of getting here because I’m always taken back in a tiny bit of amazement at the process of it all. The way I look at life. The way I look at my thoughts. 💭

My hate in general is dwindling. I’m not sure how to explain this yet. Maybe it is all the less fucks I’m giving. If you don’t know how to transform this hate it can be absolutely counterproductive. It’s most likely selfish as well. Hate is simply an uneducated thought, you must not oblige them.

Hate is a very low frequency. I think it gives the same pleasure love can. It is why I think that you don’t actually hate anything, you’re in love with idea of hate. You can also be in love with the idea of love. This had me asking what if we broadened the mind’s horizons to just be in “life” with everything? Turning hate into only a preference not a mind set.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Maybe this why I said I don’t know if I can explain this correctly at the moment. I don’t doubt what I’ve written about today. Everything is honestly raw most of the time. I let thoughts carry me down rabbit holes. Because it’s what makes life better.

Who are you in life with? How does this change your perspective if at all? Does this provide any constructive clarity?

Does this turn our hunger for love into an unlimited consumption of love? Yes. Yes I like to think it does.

-x

[patricia-von-arundel]

Dear Scott Adams,

First of all, you, sir, are an absolute dickhead, and another unneeded example of why straight, white, rich, conservative men who mistake success and/or self-described "expertise" in one area as indication that their inherent great wisdom and insight is just what the rest of the world needs (see also: Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, etc etc etc etc etc) are really fucking irritating and should honestly all be locked up together and filmed in a Battle Royale-style slap-fight to the death. (I'd watch it.)

That said, you seem to have gotten your racist, sexist, not-half-as-funny-as-other-white-conservative-men-think-you-are self shitcanned, finally (something anyone who is not one of your cohort of fellow straight, white, rich, conservative men has been waiting for for 20+ years). And you did so by oh-so-wisely calling Black people a "hate group" and saying white people should move away from them, because for some completely strange, obscure reason, Black people are a bit put out by white people being absolute buffoons about their own history, their families' potential involvement in upholding not-so-distant past atrocities, and their regular whining about reparations, affirmative action, cops murdering POC, rap music, Black women's hair, Colin Kaepernick, Barack Obama being a secret Kenyan Muslim KGB-plant Alpha Centaurian lizard-person, and having to say they're sorry for all the young Black men they, their parents, their grandparents, their great-grandparents, great-great - you get the idea - killed and continued to kill for daring to exist and be Black and male.

Huh. Why in the world would these things bother anyone??? Weird.

ANYWAY -

Mr. Adams, you list your location on Twitter as Pleasanton, CA. As of the 2020 census, Pleasanton had just under 80,000 people (and was, coincidentally,the wealthiest city of its size in the US) . It is about 67% white, and less than 2% Black or African-American.

That means, Mr. Adams, you are one of roughly 47,000 white people in Pleasanton. Compare that to less than 2,000 Black or African-American people. Even if we also looked at mixed-race inhabitants (without even considering that it is possible to be mixed race without being Black), we add in another 5% of the population, or roughly 3,300 more people. Okay - so about 5,300 people who are either Black or mixed-race. Compared to, again, 47,000 white people.

Now - I am white, too. As far as we've been able to determine, we probably had one Black man or woman in my family, likely sometime in the late 1700s or early 1800s, but as far as I'm aware, nobody has actually been able to pinpoint who or where, just assume based on some family lore and ancient photographs from the mid-1800s. This would have been through Harmon Chavis, my great-great-great-grandfather (I think?), who died in 1869. And clearly the single possibly-Black person in the family did nothing to improve the family as a whole, because both Chavis and his son-in-law (Anderson West) were from slave-owning families. (People in my family don't seem to learn - one of the first to arrive from England in the 1600s, a William West, got his stupid colonizing ass slaughtered by Native Americans. Good riddance, you asshole.)

(And to give a shred of credit to the women in the family, there's a picture where someone quite deliberately cut out ol' Anderson. I'm not crying over it...

And yes, I know, this is probably enough information to figure out exactly who I am, but I also have the "fuck around and find out" gene, and it's very strong.

And hey, the general racist and colonizing idiocy has improved somewhat. When my aunt found out Chavis was likely half or a quarter African, she was fine with that! The real shocker was that we had a Zinn in the family, and thus might have Jewish ancestry! The pure horror! 🙄

His name was Hieronymous Zinn, which is the most awesome name ever, and if given a choice, I'd take him over my aunt.)

ANYWAY -

My point, Mr. Adams, is this: my family is 99.9999999% WHITE AS FUCKING SNOW (or as white as a Welsh-Swedish-French family is likely to be!), but where I live, the population in the metro area is roughly 600,000 people. Of that, about 53% is white, roughly 318,000 people, and 45% is Black/African-American, or roughly 270,000 people.

Mr. Adams, I have lived here (in either this metro area, or elsewhere in the state) for all but approximately five years of my life. (Though god knows I'm hoping to get out soon, because heat and I do not get along...) I am not some great expert on racial history, politics, psychology, or reconcilation. I've taken some courses on sociology and cross-cultural psychology, and have worked on studies looking at racial demographics and health outcomes, but that doesn't make me particularly knowledgeable.

But see, Mr. Adams, this is where I differ from straight, white, rich, conservative men: I know and recognize the limits of my knowledge.

However, if we consider just base knowledge based on something as simplistic as where each of us currently lives - I'm much more familiar with living alongside the Black community than you are, Mr. Adams. I have had far, far more negative experiences from your type (especially the straight, white, male parts) than from anyone who is Black. I have had no problems going to school with, teaching, working with, or living alongside the Black community. I've been harassed, stalked, physically attacked, and sexually assaulted by... straight, white men.

Do you believe I should say, then, Mr. Adams, that it is best that I live apart from straight, white men? Would that seem a fair statement to make, based solely on my own experiences, rather than considering broader historical, cultural, societal, and economic factors?

I suspect you'd say "no." I suspect you'd argue that such a viewpoint would be short-sighted, ignorant, and unfair.

And yet, apparently, your experience as a wealthy, straight, white, conservative man living in a very well-off California community with a population that is less than 2% Black/African-American makes you an expert on all Black people, so much that you can call them a "hate group" (for what, contaminating drinking fountains because now you have to share???) and recommending white people should live apart?

I don't know, Mr. Adams. In my own experience, which has involved significantly more daily interaction with Black people through the 34 years I have lived in this state, I think my conclusion is based on a more solid foundation, family history, understanding of cultural factors and psychology, and, of course, my personal experiences. And it is thus:

Eat shit, you fucking bag of broken dildos.

(Also, your comic sucks, and has always sucked. May you face Charles Schulz at the pearly gates, and be found wanting.)

[thepolyamorouspolymath]

In another edition of "BE A BETTER FUCKING LIAR", a guy we'll call... Sales (bc fuck 'im, he's not worth a good name)... hit me up on Facebook, which I hate but use for business-y shit.

First weird, bc I just set all new profiles everywhere bc my stalker ex had his friends bugging me and so it had like 4 business related posts and the profile pic was a cartoon of me that my extremely talented kid drew (who I'd be happy to put links for except he doesn't give them to me... @aceofenderafterdark though, he's great) and like a 2 sentence bio calling Damian the worst Robin and Episode 1 the worst Star Wars.

That was it.

Claimed my profile image showed creativity, and I'm like yep sure does... that of an 18 year old boy who helped his mom our by drawing it bc I'm terrible. Had a bunch of comic stuff, though didn't seem to get into my analysis of them but just like pics of merch. Which neat but I'd rather hear who you think is better Superman or Martian Manhunter and why it's 100% J'onn than see a picture of an action figure.

Made my no casual sex position clear. He claimed that no he really wanted to get to know me and a relationship.

Yeah, sure, never heard that before.

I'm asking him questions... getting like nothing back. He invites me to his place including some play, I said no.

I said I had given him the playbook, that I expected some romance, some wooing, some genuine interest beyond physical before I met and he hadn't passed the pre screen

He countered he'd be romantic in person. I explained that sweaty groping isn't romance and any guy not willing to put in the effort in advance isn't going to be -- they say it to get you there and then keep pushing your boundaries and standards hoping you'll fuck them on a whim.

"No I want to tease you before I fuck you."

First, confirms my opinion, second tells me you're gonna be a shitty partner since you haven't listened to what I like.

Asked me for the same damn thing I already said no to -- y'all, I do not stutter, I do not mumble, I don't waffle, I don't try to soften blows... when I say no, it is incredibly fucking clear.

He claimed he needed more guidance on what I was looking for in pre screening. I said showing genuine interest beyond physical would be a start.

He asked my favorite movie.

I'd already told him 3 times.

AND IT'S RETURN OF THE FUCKING JEDI, ITS NOT EXACTLY OBSCURE!

Some other dude tried to say men don't pay attention to that shit bc they think important things (bitch I am analyzing the entire planet at once and I can tell you how to make B's favorite chicken without doing it for years, remember his Chinese name I'm forbidden to use, how to make M tea I haven't made in 8 years, along with his favorite war stories even though they bored me, what game N liked at the casino and his favorite TV show... and they were years ago. I can also tell you Riveria's WS ERA in the 90s, and describe the phenomenon of the exploding fastball and how few pitchers have ever pulled it off, put forth a compelling defense of Pete Rose for the Hall even if he's a bastard bc he knows more about the game than any man living or dead.... I can cite constitutional theory and precedents for how all drugs constitutionally should be legal, though regulation is fine, give you an analysis of any philosopher taught at a college level that decimates the professor, discuss the comparative strength of every classic Godzilla film, dissect and enjoy Shakespeare and Sanderson with equal measure and thoroughness, BACKWARDS AND HEELS... Men have too much important to remember a movie. Bite my feminist ass.) And beyond that an extra question of "why?" would have demonstrated how I think as well a lot about my values and character (I take my Star Wars seriously.)

Honestly, I expect people to lie sometimes. I don't like it but hey men lying to fuck women is nothing new. But ffs, doing so badly is so goddamn insulting to my intelligence.

Get better.

[knucklegagging]

It’s so hard for me to tell which thing is more the self punihsing: the “restricting” or the “not counting” cuz you could also call those the “watching what I eat” vs “the binging” so it’s like where is the line? My calories today say after having a big bowl of soup, a handful of crisps, a tin of oysters, and a cookie --I’ve somehow managed to over eat by nearly two thousand calories. I feel stuffed with water, but not food. I still feel like I could eat. And that I’d maybe like to. But how can my calories already be this out of sorts from a couple grams here and there of this and that. It’s not like I’m endlessly munching either. It’s broth based soup with nothing but veg. I’m wondering if maybe I am overcalculating. But maybe I am just this fat. In the morning will the scale creep up again? Adn why is it that everytime I stop counting is when I lose the most weight and feel the best, but somehow I can never let myself have that cuz then I just have to get caught up by other ppls’ influence telling me I need to be countign my calories. That if I’m not counting I can’t possibly be healthy. My weight is stable though. I maintain between 116 and 126 day in and day out of my entire life now. Sometimes I’ll drop a smidge in the autumn and winter when I’m too cold to want to eat, and just stay bundled up under the covers sleeping the days away... but I always do put it back on come May. I don’t even think I look that much different. I’m less boney in my ribs and chestbones don’t pop out quite so obviously, but I’m not exactly crazy about the chest cold that come w the weightloss. I never become a body type that is different from my own. I never miraculously get a stomach flu and come out looking like Anne St Marie or any other long-legged spidery model with twig bones and lean lengthy everything. I’m still short and hourglass shaped and I still hate it. I could be putting more energy into putting on toning, that could help the situation. But that happens by accident already so easily that what’s the point. I’m not even comparing myself to women, I’m comparing myself to the men I feel expectations to date. I have a knack for finding my way in w men who spend their entire lives at the gym, and then it’s like this glaring “why is he with THAT” looming over both of us because I don’t have washboard abs too. I don’t even know that I would want them, but I sure damn do feel obliged to prove I’m worth sticking around for. Everyone is always so vocal that they are dating down because I’m not ripped. I would like to say I care none for what people think, and that is largely true, but what people say at me and my partners to our faces or theirs while they think I can’t hear... That shit stings. And I do get nervous. I want to be worth it. I want to stop being cheated on. Maybe if I was skinny or ripped enough ... I’m not even sure. It all feels like self harm to me. If I’m counting my calories then I’m doing the right thing but it just winds up making me hysterical cuz I’m feeling pressured to get as close to my maintenance calories as possible so I retain more muscle. But the more you eat the more hungry you get, so trying to get as close to that line as possible just eventually makes me binge. And I never have this problem except for when I have a fucking calorie tracking app. So why do I do it to myself? Maybe cuz every guy I date plays fucking inquisition about what percent protein I’m getting and how low my calories are at any given day. And they always want to talk endlessly about food. And I’m supposed to match zeal. And they always want you to eat more more mroe more more but stay getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner. I hate men. I wish I could just date women but they won’t even admit you’re more than acquaintances, especially to people that matter to them. I didn’t come out about being a dyke just to be shoved into bicurious asshole bitch’s coffin-sized closets. At least w men you get a shot at them admitting to being w you. They’re less commonly ashamed. Not indefinitely, but less commonly. I wanna crack my skull open and take out everything till I’m nothing left but celery juice. I am so tired. Nothing here is meant for me. I’m just being pulled into other directions all the time until my seams bust and I get torn then they all go about, seeing the mess as inconvenient despite the fact it was their fault. And so I pick up and sew myself all up into stitches again, while they go fuck and cuff the slut they kept telling me I had nothing to worry over. Worse off ppl than me are married twenty years w a million fugly babies that don’t amount to shit and bomb schoolyards and megaplexes. Meanwhile I am stagnant here counting grams and being nothing. And that just doesn’t change. I remain unwanted, groveling for dust, pulling myself into contortions, desperate to be wanted for more than heat. I hate everything about my life. I wish I mattered. Calories aren’t even fixing it. Where did the days go when I got high off not eating for months? I’m not allowed to do that. I’m not even allowed to skip a snack. I’m getting fat and  happiness never exists for me. I hate my life.

[evita-shelby]

Between the Shadow and the Soul

Chapter 45

Taglist: @joossieisdabomb @johnathancanines @peakyblindas @kissmyquill @zablife

The first lesson Finn learns is to keep his mouth shut and given the praise Arthur heaps on him for using his head for once has him ready for his next lesson: observing.

Finn’s focus on Billy Grade and the things he did and said and the way he acted was incredibly useful. Something was off about him; the newly engaged boy had confided in her. Like he wanted in on the gang, but not wanting to get his hands dirty.

“Arthur thinks he’s just scared, but I know how scared looks, Evie.” He told her when no one else believed him.

Tiago was still out of commission and Florence was still in Mexico with her nephew. There wouldn’t be a way to get anything on Billy Grade without arousing suspicion.

“Make sure it doesn’t look obvious, Finn, ask Isiah and his dad for help if you need to. Even if it proves nothing, you can’t stop until you either find the thing you need or proof that you’re just being paranoid.

Remember lesson number one, kid.” She told him as they measured him for his wedding suit. “And no more drugs, Finn, you’re having a baby and a wife who need you at your best.”

“If I had a wife as stunning and attentive as you, I wouldn’t have fucked mother-in-law,” Mosley says from behind her.

The immediate repulsion she feels when she meets him makes her instant loathing for Gina look small and insignificant compared to it.

"You must be the infamous Sir Oswald Mosley,” She smiles and plays the vivacious and enigmatic Mrs. Shelby like a seasoned actor. After all, she did spend nearly three years being the pretty and wild Señorita Smith in Mexico City.

“In the flesh, you must be the enchanting Mrs. Eva Shelby.” He makes to kiss her cheek, a custom everyone has now associated with her, but moves away.

“I thought it was a Mexican custom to greet people with a kiss on the cheek.” He keeps trying to flirt with her and Eva wished Tommy could end his meeting sooner.

“Only the cheeks of women and men in my family, I’d hate for people to think that you invited my husband into your party because you wanted to fuck his foreign wife.” She says with an innocent laugh.

“Why can’t I have him there for both reasons, Mrs. Shelby?” This was considered one of the most handsome politicians and Eva finds him as repulsive as cow shit.

“I don’t think your fascist friends would like it if they knew you fucked a half gypsy, quarter Aztec woman.” Eva warns with a smirk. “Besides, I have a husband who’s more than capable of satisfying me.”

“I’m having a dinner party for my birthday, I’m sure my wife would be glad to invite you.” Mosley leans in and she finds the urge to move even further away.

“I’m afraid we won’t be there, Cimmie invited us last week, but you see, Dia turns four that day and I’d hate to ruin my girl’s party.” She says with fake regret.

Thank God Diane was born on November 14. Sure it was horrible for her baby to share a birthday with this fucking prick, but thank the universe for giving them an excuse not to be there.

“I’ve heard things about you, Mrs. Shelby.” He keeps talking to her dismay.

“Good things, I hope.” Eva knows what he means, whispers had started that Mrs. Shelby was a fortune teller, an accurate one too. Most men here sent their wives to get a reading from her when she was in London. The prices always vary, sometimes its money, other times it’s an object and once or twice it’s a favor.

Cynthia Mosley gave her a guaranteed invitation for every single event she and her husband would host after the Sun appeared with the promise of a baby boy next two years. Never mind that she’d die a year after in 1933.

“I heard you are better than Nostradamus at his best. It’s no wonder Queen Mary trusts you with her purse.” Mosley said, his voice low enough for only her to hear.

Visions of Mosley reading on reports ---translated into English--- detailing how Eva planned strategies with Villa’s Dorados, how Eva knew at which time to have her ships leave the docks to avoid searches and rough travels and worst yet, how she was present at interrogations in Mexico.

Churchill had fed Mosley the information he needed, that fucking bastard.

Eva can hear Tommy stand from his desk chair, shake hands with whoever needs his services and soon enough they hear the small chatter as they pretend they didn’t just pay 40 thousand dollars to silence some mistress blackmailing some government official.

Eva can’t concentrate on what is being said, she’s too busy waiting for it to be over.

Tommy invites him for a pheasant hunt to make up for not going to his stupid dinner and she gives no hint that her mind is already on planning his murder.

The door closed behind the devil and she waits until he is ten paces away to say what she has been trying to say this past hour.

“He knows, he fucking knows I’m a real witch.” Usually everyone assumed she just did tarot readings for fun, after all everyone dabbled in the occult from time to time. But Mosley knew she was a real witch who had visions, something she didn’t tell anyone, not even May Carleton. “Churchill gave him my files.”

“I know, he said it’s part of the plan.” Thomas put out his cigarette eve if he was only half ways with it.

“He needs an informant, and I believe that if we lull him into a false sense of security, we can avoid being caught. Besides your abilities are an open secret here, they just know better than to say it.” He explains as if it weren’t a big deal and expecting her to counter it as she usually does.

“I wish you could’ve told me first, you know I don’t like surprises, amor.” As much as Eva hates to admit it, it’s a good plan. “But it’s a good plan, we did the same with Carranza and his people to let him think I had truly repented. Except they asked me permission first.”

“Churchill has suspended all searches on your ships, particularly those coming from Germany and other fascist countries as an apology.” Tommy gestures for her to come sit on his lap and she plays hard to get by remaining where she is.

“And what will I get as an apology from my inconsiderate husband?” she asks coquettishly, horniness was a side effect from pregnancy, one of the few she enjoyed.

“The chance to make Mosley’s life miserable in the best ways you know.” Tommy says with a wicked look in his eyes.

The rest of October passed with little to know excitement. Bonnie had not been avenged, the family discovered Linda had an estranged half-brother in Bourneville whom Mosely’s spies had assumed was her lover, and ---to everyone’s relief--- Ada was engaged to Younger. Wedding was scheduled as soon as he could get his hands on his mother's wedding ring.

It was at Diane’s birthday party that everything started coming at them.

It was just family and some friends, but people had sent gifts to the birthday girl, just like they had done for Gabe in August, Charlie in September and even Tommy.

Eva was renowned for her magnificent parties; Diane’s fourth birthday was no exception.

Eva liked big parties, sure somethings could leave her a nervous wreck a breeze away from falling apart ---like pretending someone isn’t being murdered in the stables---, but small parties did not exist in her book.

The theme was princess and Dia had been the belle of the ball in her rococo era dress made just for her.

“She looks like Marie Antoinette with that fucking wig.” Polly chuckled into her champagne.

The maids cleaned out the dining room, and those who’d be staying the night helped themselves to the glorious pink and gold cake with real roses and crystals.

Said wig made the four year old look like some child from the 18th century who’d been transported to the modern age from Versailles.

“Dia wanted to wear it. Ask her why she chose a red choker for it, I’ve never been so proud of her fashion choices.” Evie drank her non alcoholic cocktail, a creation she had to begrudgingly thank Gina for.

“I can’t believe Beth Boswell came here all the way from Wales.” Polly could not get over how their distant kinswoman ---and Diane’s godmother--- had forgone payment for tonight. “Gave her a fucking sapphire necklace like yours to boot.”

The sapphire had been just as cursed, after all it had been the one Tatiana Petrovna had kept and later sold. Bethany had seen it on the hands of an unsuspecting woman and had stolen it before it took her life. Now the curse was broken and the stone was set into gold and copper chain like hers.

Bethany was very generous and every gift of hers was grand. Charlie had the lost pocket watch that once belonged to his great grandfather, Gabe had a toy horse that used to be his father’s and had been sold when the Shelbys fell on hard times and Tommy had gotten the ring his grandfather had lost to Aberama Gold. Eva was giddy to see what treasure the witch would give her on her birthday.

“If you look at Dia’s mountain of gifts you’ll find a fucking doll house given to her by Queen Mary.” Eva whispers before Gina came to them. “I may not like royalty, but Jesus, fuck, their gifts are amazing.”

“When Izzy said Pythia was friends with everyone, I didn’t believe that included fucking royalty.” Gina says and Eva fights the urge to roll her eyes. “Your Diane is so precious.”

Diane had gone and hugged the twat and pressed her ear on her flat stomach and pronounced Lawrence’s fate. The witches in her family had been so proud especially when the birthday girl did the same to Ada and the newly married, Deborah.

“If Lawrence was a girl, she’d be a witch too.” Polly says with a smirk.

The conversation ends abruptly when Diane comes running to Polly, clutching to the pretty ballerina she gave her.

Poor girl’s in tears sobbing with such emotion that everyone wonders what the fuck did Diane see when she took the doll.

“You’re going to die, someone’s gonna kill you.” The four year old managed to cry out loud.

It is with those words that all joy dies in the house.

[shame-kink]

seeing people who hate chainsaw man explain why they hate it fucking owns. for one thing i’m glad i’m past taking shit personally even about what i gave up and declared my Favorite Thing Everrr, but like. the biggest part is like. theres of course glaring shit to be pointed out and questioned about CSM and how it depicts certain subjects and people. its treatment of women is.... fucking *weird*, galloping between quasifeminist (from a “let female characters be real people with real faults” perspective) and just straight up “every woman is just out to get poor young men. fucking bitches. >:(” and while I do ******not******* think it ever actually falls into the latter its not something i could ever blame someone for taking away from the text or interpreting as the intent. where and when it chooses to properly full-on sexualize characters is its own can of worms, showing remarkable restaint at *points* keeping denji’s horndoggedness third person slash not sullying the audience perspective with Direct Thirsty Male Gaze Shit (USUALLY), but it also pulls a *lot* of (RELATIVELY tasteful given. some. other anime but i might’ve just blown out my perspective on what constitutes tasteful from having poisoned myself with bakemonogatari as a teenager.....) nudity with Reze, who unlike Makima has no stated age and is presented as a far more “viable” love interest for the runt than her confirmed-to-be-a-working-adult ass. leaving the possibility that she’s underage (her design isn’t really that helpful given kobeni is like 20 and absolutely tiny). If she ISNT underage then that leaves room for the interpretation that the story is positively comparing her being romantic with denji to another adult doing similar, which is fucked up, but frankly the narrative doesn’t exactly condone what she pulls it just doesn’t spoonfeed you the fact that “denji still trying to romance the woman who bit his tongue off would be bad” WHICH MAYBE WAS ASKING TOO MUCH OF THE AUDIENCE BC. HOO BOY HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY LOOK AT THOSE SHIPPERS (IMO when she goes back to run away with him its not a romantic impulse on her part. the story more than establishes fair reason for her to try to “save” him from the city life that isn’t amorously-oriented. I’d be fine with it if she actually is his age though, which isn’t out of the question actually bc she’s practically a genderbend of yoshida design-wise sfldhsgklhksdghlksgd. That’d still come with the other “well that option makes the narrative worse in X way” things described earlier though.) THEN THERES THE LESBIAN ORGY AND I THINK THAT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF??? THERES NOT MUCH TO SAY THERE. THE HYPERVIGILANT PART OF MY BRAIN WANTS TO BRING UP HOW MUCH SMALLER THE FIENDS ARE THAN QUANXI BUT AGAIN KOBENI IS LIKE THE HEIGHT OF A MOUSE. OTHER THAN THAT I GOT NOTHING TO ADD OTHER THAN “FULL FRONTAL LESBIAN ORGY IN A SHONEN BY AN AUTHOR THATS at least for now A MAN”. 

But like. That got away from me for a bit. I love the manga to *death*, again its like the best fucking comic ever made bury me with it, but theres tons that even I could point out. EVEN from a narrative standpoint, the aspect that i think is the most perfect and wonderful, has fairly large holes that could do with criticism. Theres a lotta shit wrong with that piece of work. 

My ACTUAL point, and the point that makes criticisms of it “fucking own”, is that the manga is so god damn direct in its ethos that all people REALLY need to say as to why they don’t like it is “jesus christ denji is a horny gross wierdo”. Series comes with its own lightning rod for having to explain why you don’t like it. basically everything objectionable about it can be summed up one way or another with just talking shit about the protagonist. it rules its funny as fuck he’s like a rodeo clown. 

[writingtoforgetreality]

New World Order - TFATWS Rewrite Chapter One (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

[Marvel-Masterlist], [TFATWS Rewrite-Masterlist]

Next Chapter

Summary: You were an Avenger. That was how the world viewed you. Nobody else knew about your past & it was for the better. After all, you had Sam. You had Bucky. That had to be enough. At least for now.

Words: 6,214

Warnings: language, sarcasm, expect some sort of slow burn, there are hints already, this is a Bucky fic, which means that it'll focus on his scenes more, spoilers for TFATWS, (Y/E/C) = your eye color

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

You were no superhero. At least, you would never say you were one. Your past was filled with actions you regretted. None of it was your fault. It was not your decision to be the child of the leader of a HYDRA base. It was not your decision to grow up like a warrior. Fighting. Killing.

Your father was the bad guy. You knew that now. As a child, you did not see through his facade. How could you? He was your dad. Someone who was supposed to love you endlessly. Those years had shaped you. Into the person you were today.

Deep down, you wished there was a way to make you forget. Forget about your past. Forget about the pain. Forget about it all. Hell, you were a laboratory experiment. Those powers did not come from nowhere. No. They came from tons of needles, pumping a toxic serum into you veins. You should not even be alive anymore. Not by what now flowed through your body. Apparently, it was for your own good. That was how your dad put it. Absolute bullshit. Growing up isolated from the world, being trained to fight, to kill, daily. Your own good my ass. If it did one thing, then it ruined your damn life.

But at least you had powers, right? Blue flames you could control. Those blue flames that were hotter than anything else in this world. It took an awful lot of time to fully have control. Truthfully, you hated that part of you with every fiber of your being. It had been the cause of one too many deaths. You had been the cause. But weakness was not in your nature. If you did not show strength you would be a disappointment. Something you really did not want to be.

Bucky was the reason you got out of this life. He was the one to rescue you out of this hell hole. He was the one to show you an entirely different part of this world. And for that, you could never thank him enough. If it were not for Bucky, you would have gone insane ages ago. Who knew if you were still here today?

The Avengers were aware of your past. Of you being a part of HYDRA back in the days. Yet, you had never elaborated this any further. If there was one thing you were good at, it was keeping things to yourself. No need to burden others with your struggles. And you did struggle. Every single day. Because your mind was filled with memories. Memories you had tried to burn. Memories you wanted to erase. Memories of you being the bad guy. Just like your dad had been.

Your life changed when you were introduced to the Avengers. They did not trust you. Not right away. But during the fight with Thanos, the one after the Blip, you proved yourself to be worthy of their trust. Especially Steve. He had been there for you. When everyone else failed to believe in you. He was gone now. And it hurt like hell. Giving up was never an option. And the universe did not plan on giving you a break anytime soon. For now, you had to bury your feelings as deep as possible. Your focus should solely be on the new threats of this world. Threats, that seemed to increase daily.

“Bucky is an asshole.” you were on the phone with Sam & the fact that the super soldier had been ignoring him for a while did not leave a good feeling inside his chest.

“What a revelation.” sarcastic comments were part of your life. It was your way of coping with everything. Frankly, it worked. More or less. “Give him some time.”

“More time? No.” sighing loudly. “I have other things to focus on.” he was referring to the mission he was about to perform.

“You sure you’ll be fine on your own?” it was not like you did not believe in his abilities. Just, life had not been the same ever since billions of people came back.

“When have I ever not been?” you could think of a few times but Sam ended the call before you even had the chance to answer. Typical.

Luckily, Sam usually told you about his missions. And you were proud of him. You really were. The situation you found yourself in? With Bucky & him? Well, it was everything but good. Bucky called you. You called Sam. Sam called you. You called Bucky. A circle you kept alive. And it sucked to be their only way of communication. For now, though, both of them were too stubborn to change anything about it.

“Enjoying the Tunisian sun I hope?” whenever Sam went on a mission, you had him call you after it. Simply because he knew you worried.

“You know it.” in the far background you could hear him working on something.

“Is everyone alright? That trainee of yours? What’s his name again?”

“Torres.” he sighed, frustrated by your question. You had asked him about a million times & apparently, you still had no clue. Truth was, you just liked messing with him. “Redwing is hurt.”

“Naaaw, poor baby.” giggling slightly. That man cared more for a piece of tech than he should.

“Shut up.” okay, better not mess with Wilson if it came to Redwing. Got it.

“When are you coming back?” your voice turned serious again. Having him gone for so long did not stick right with you. Obviously, you knew he was doing it for the greater good. But still. “I swear to all the Gods, if you say when we’re done here…” mumbling quietly but loud enough for him to hear.

“When we’re finished here.” a chuckle could be heard from his side. By the way it sounded, you assumed Torres was laughing as well. Rolling your eyes at his antics. He could be such a child sometimes.

“Oh, fuck off, Wilson.”

“Hey, language!” Sam had fun. Yeah, you were the one cracking jokes all of the time but he could deliver, too.

“Okay, you know what? Bye. Text me when you’re back.” now, it was you who did not give him enough time to respond. After all, he would have clapped back with another snarky remark & you were not in the mood for it. At all.

“Steve represented the best in all of us. Courageous, righteous, hopeful. And he mastered posing stoically.” everyone chuckled at Sam’s description. Of him. Steve. Rhodey was standing right next to you. In that suit of his. The one that made him look way more approachable than you. No need for people to approach you. They did not know who you were before. And they sure as hell did not need to. It would turn things complicated. Humans did not like complicated. You did not like it. “The world has been forever changed. A few months ago, billions of people reappeared after five years away, sending the world into turmoil. We need new heroes. Ones suited for the times we’re in. Symbols are nothing without the women & men that give them meaning. And this thing…” he paused briefly, let out a short chuckle. The shield. “I don’t know if there’s ever been a greater symbol. But it’s more about the man who propped it up, & he’s gone. So, today we honor Steve’s legacy. But also, we look to the future. So, thank you, Captain America. But this belongs to you.” the crowd erupted into cheers. Applause was filling the room & you felt out of place. What was he doing? When Sam asked you to join him here today, he left out the fact that he wanted to give away the shield. The shield Steve had trusted him enough to own. And the people surrounding you? They…celebrated him for it? This entire speech was proof enough that Wilson was worthy of this job. So why the hell did he make that decision? Watching the shield being put into the showcase, you could hardly hold in the tears that formed at the corners of your (Y/E/C) eyes. Rhodey nudged you, sensing that something was wrong. Head hanging low, you ignored him, walking out of the room as fast as possible. If you stayed here any longer, Sam would have bruises for sure. Bruises caused by you. You would not risk that. Though, he kind of deserved it.

“Where’s (Y/N)?” Sam asked Rhodey when he finished with the press. You had told him you would wait here for him. There was no sign of you.

“Left a while ago.”

“What do you mean “Left a while ago.”? Did she say where she was heading?” why did you decide to leave? Had anything happened while he held his speech? All Rhodey could do was shrug. An explanation was not given by you. And he knew better than to ask.

“Take a walk?” Rhodey suggested, completely unaware to your weird behavior. The two of you were not that close. So he did not know you like Sam did. You were an adult, after all. If you wanted to go somewhere without asking someone first, then you were allowed to do that.

Disappointment was flooding through your body. Friends told each other stuff like that, right? So why did he keep it a secret that he planned on giving away the shield. With that action, he broke Steve’s trust & you were livid. If only Steve were here right now. You missed him. So much. Next time Sam met you, you could not promise anything. Because anger was all you felt. Anger & disappointment. Grief. But that one you could keep to yourself. At least for the time being. Shit. Bucky. One hundred percent did he watch Sam giving away the shield. Oh, he would be filled with hatred. Compared to that, you were only a small threat. Bucky was the one Wilson should keep an eye on. Well, he had been trying to get a hold of him. So far, without luck.

A gunshot blasting woke Bucky up from another night invaded by nightmares. His changed hair did not put his demons at bay. His look was different but there were some things he could never get rid of. His past. The past he dreaded as much as you did. Probably what you two had in common. Being part of HYDRA & all. His breathing was irregular & there was no way in hell he could go back to sleep. It was in the middle of the night & he hated himself for relying on someone else. But he would go insane if he did not call another person right now. If he did not call you. The only one who seemed to understand what he was going through. The only one who never judged him because of his nightmares. The only one who made him feel like he was a good person. Not the killer he once had been. When HYDRA controlled him. Back, when he was called “The Winter Soldier”. Would he ever move on from that? Grabbing his old phone, he did not overthink too long & dialed your number. One, he knew by heart. Because he had called you so many times. It stuck in his head.

“Buck? Is everything alright?” concern was present in your voice. Usually, when you got a call in the middle of the night, it was him. And you were fine with it. If he trusted you enough to help him with his demons, than you were more than happy to come to his aid. No matter the time.

“I-I…it’s just, ugh, I-“ still shaken up from his nightmare, you did not need him to finish his sentence. You had been in this exact situation so many times. You knew what he needed. Your presence. Your voice. Your comfort. You.

“I’ll be there in a few.” assuring him, you were already grabbing the stuff you needed & walked out of your apartment. Only one destination in mind. Him. “Do you need me to stay on the phone?” it was a simple question. A stupid one, too. Usually, he would not say a word until you were with him. But it felt right to ask him what he wanted you to do. Needed you to do. When he did not answer for a few moments, you guessed he only nodded, not realizing that you could not see his motions. Yet, he did not hang up. Neither did you. Your breathing was enough for him. At least until you were in his apartment.

Knocking softly, as to not wake his neighbors, the door opened almost immediately after. Squeaking ever so slightly. Taking in his appearance, you could tell that it had been a bad nightmare. No, not a nightmare. A memory. You knew that because it was the reason you woke up most nights as well. If it were not for him feeling miserable, you would have drooled by the sight of him. No shirt. Hair sticking around so beautifully. Eyes you could lose yourself in. But it was not the right timing. Besides, Bucky & you were just friends. That was it. Just friends. Though, you would lie if you said that you did not feel butterflies whenever he shot you one of his charming smiles. Whenever his body brushed against yours on accident. Yes, he did have that effect on you. Hell, that was not what he needed right now. Your feelings could be dealt with later on. Bucky was all who mattered now. There was no conversation. No words exchanged. It was enough for him if you were with him. A sign that he was not alone. That he still had you. Even after everything. Even after calling you, night after night, disturbing your own rest. Not that you got much to begin with but he did not need to know that. It had always been a mystery to him. Why you stuck around still. Though you had assured him thousands of times that you were in this for good. If he needed you, you were only one call away. And he appreciated you for it. More than he would ever like to admit. Friends. You were friends.

“So, Mr. Barnes, are you still having nightmares?” another session with Dr. Raynor. Another dreaded session. It was stupid to Bucky. But there was no way out of this. He had to. Seconds of silence went by before she spoke up again. “James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?” what kind of question was that? A stupid one. That was for sure.

“No.” simple, short. Sufficient. Not for his doctor, though.

“We’ve been doing this long enough that I can tell when you’re lying. Well, you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?”

“No.” what an answer to move this session forward. Clearly, he was not in the mood to talk today. Not even you were able to get his mind off of things. Though, you definitely made his night easier.

“You’re a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you’re not gonna…” her hand motioned stabbing. Awful action but who were you to judge? Bucky nodded with that look on his face that showed how completely done he was with this situation. Yet, she kept going. “It’s a condition of your pardon. So, tell me about your most recent nightmare.”

“I didn’t have a nightmare.” well, it was worth a try. After taking a deep breath, she grabbed the pencil, ready to start writing into that notebook of hers again. “Oh, come on. Really? You’re gonna do the notebook thing? Why? It’s passive aggressive.” looked like the two of them were going back to the roots.

“You don’t talk. I write.” Bucky sighed at that. He knew he would not get out of this.

“Okay. Okay. I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday. Don’t worry. I used all your three rules. Senator Atwood. She was a HYDRA pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the Winter Soldier. And after HYDRA disbanded, she continued to abuse the power I gave her.”

“So, rule number one, you can’t do anything illegal.”

“All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her. And I wasn’t involved in anything else.”

“Rule number two?”

“What was rule number two?” his gaze drifting off, showing he thought about it deeply. How ironic.

“Nobody gets hurt. It’s a big one.”

“Then why isn’t it rule number one?” he did have a point there. No room left for arguing about that. “I didn’t hurt anybody. I promise.”

“And what about rule number three?” Bucky’s mouth opened, yet, nothing came out. “The whole point of making amends is to fulfil rule number three.”

“You know, you’re a cynic, Doc. Of course, I completed rule number three. I am James Bucky Barnes & you’re part of my efforts to make amends.” words followed by that smile of his. That smile everyone could tell was fake. Almost creepy. But efforts, right? It was all about the efforts.

“So, you did it all right, but it didn’t help with the nightmares.”

“Well, like I said, I didn’t have any.” Bucky Barnes, everyone. Still trying to fool his doctor.

“Look, one day, you’re gonna have to open up & understand that some people really do want to help you & that they can be trusted. People like (Y/N).” the mention of your name made his eyes snap up.

“I trust more people than her.” it sounded more like he tried to convince himself more than anyone else.

“Yeah? Give me your phone.” an order. Grabbing it out of his pocket to hand it over. A short look was enough. “You don’t have ten phone numbers on this thing. Oh, & you’ve been ignoring the texts from Sam. Look, you gotta nurture friendships. I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad…Oh, that’s not right. You called (Y/N) last night. Anything you wanna tell me about that?” closing the flip phone, she threw it over to Bucky which he caught with ease.

“What? Do I need to justify calling a friend?” chuckling & shaking his head slightly, he brushed his hands over his thighs.

“If you call that friend at 3 am, then yes. Because you should sleep at that time. Except if you had a nightmare which you claimed that you didn’t.”

“We just talked. That’s all.” he thought that brushing it off as if it were nothing was enough to get her to shut up. Hell, he had brought you up during his sessions way too many times. After all, he still wanted the situation between you guys to be subtle.

“You’re alone.”

“A minute ago, you said I had (Y/N).” he tried arguing but his attempts failed.

“You’re a hundred years old. You have no history, no family…” right, pouring salt in the wounds. That usually worked.

“Are you lashing out at me, Doc? Because that’s really unprofessional, you know? When did that start? Yelling at your clients?” she seemed to have enough & again went for the little book next to her. “Oh, the notebook. That’s great.” sighing deeply, he braced himself to take her more seriously. “All right, give me a break. I’m trying, okay? This isn’t…This is new for me. I didn’t have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little…calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years.”

“So, now that you’ve stopped fighting, what do you want?” he had an answer in mind right away. Never ever would he say it out loud. It took him a second to reply. Because what he was about to say came in union with his first thought.

“Peace.”

“That is utter bullshit.” what a nice way to bad talk his answer. Maybe she was expecting something else from him. Maybe she knew the answer just as much as he did. The real answer.

“You’re a terrible shrink.”

“I was an excellent soldier, so I saw a lot of dead bodies, & I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone…”

“Which I’m not because I have (Y/N).”

“…that is the quietest, most personal hell. And, James, it is very hard to escape. Look, I know that you have been through a lot, but you’ve got your mind back, you are being pardoned. I mean, these are good things. You’re free.”

“To do what?”

Wednesday. Bucky usually went to Izzy. Today, he asked you to join him & Yori. Why he wanted you there with them? No clue. But it was not often he asked you to go somewhere with him so you agreed on meeting them there.

“Take a look.” Yori was a cute, old man. Reading his newspaper like a good citizen. Bucky had yet to give you an explanation as to why you were here right now. But for now, you just sat next to him, quietly observing your surroundings. “Nobody made it past 90 this week.” it was funny, to see Bucky trying his hardest to sound interested. Like he understood.

“So young. Such a shame.” his words made you scoff. Apparently, once you hit the 100 mark, you turn into a sarcastic piece. If you were not one before. If you ever made it to 100? Only the Gods knew what would come after that. Most people called you a sarcastic asshole now. Could that be topped?

“You guys didn’t order the usual, huh? Feeling a little adventurous?” the woman behind the counter directed her words at the three of you.

“Um, actually, I’ve never been here before, so…” you chuckled to avoid the awkwardness that would sure as hell build if you kept quiet now.

“You should ask her out.” Yori leaned over to Bucky & you almost choked on your food at his words. Bucky asking her out? Her? Yeah, she was beautiful & all. But her? Really? Seemed like that Yori dude did not know Bucky as well as he claimed to. You, on the other hand, were aware that nothing good would come out if it. Besides, they would not even make a nice couple. Shit, were you jealous? Oh no. Glancing over at the man next to you, his face showed just how much he despised this idea. At least something.

“Mm-mmm…” shaking his head frantically, he shot you a quick look but before his eyes locked onto yours, your gaze fell down to your plate. Slightly embarrassed. Scared that, if he looked at you, he would notice something behind your look. Something more. Something, that you wanted to keep hidden. For everyone’s sake.

“He would like to take you out on a date.” oh fuck off, Yori. You had nothing against this man but he was pushing your buttons. Could he not see that Bucky was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of going on a date? With her? “Maybe to bingo or a night of pinochle.” hiding your laugh behind one of your hands, you could not believe that he was serious. Bucky & bingo? Well, it was for old people so you guessed it fit quite well. Not with her, though. Oh no, you really were jealous.

“I’m really sorry about him.” Bucky apologized for his friend’s behavior. Yes, you were sorry for him, too.

“Why are you sorry?” of course, now the woman was flirting with him. It got better & better. Taking a deep breath, you tried to keep your emotions at bay. You could not lash out in the middle of this restaurant, after all. Even though you were this close to doing just that. Deep breaths, you got this. “I’m game.” sure she was.

“Wow.” really? Bucky was impressed? By this? Oh come on, why would he settle for less when he could have so, so much more. But it was not your decision. He was not yours. You did not own him. Neither did you make the decisions for him.

“Tomorrow night, then?” Yori leaned over the counter.

“Tomorrow night’s great.” she replied with a bright smile.

“Hey, I just remembered something.” you spoke up all of a sudden. Bucky’s eyes met yours now & he saw that you were uncomfortable. Though, he could not pinpoint why. “Um, I-I need to go. See you, Buck. Bye guys.” sprinting out of the restaurant, you hoped nobody would follow you. Not in the mood to deal with anyone right now. All you wanted was to be alone right now. Your mind the only one keeping you company. But your mind was not really the kindest to you. Not in this particular moment. So what? Bucky had a date. You knew that would happen sooner or later. He was a good looking man. More importantly, you just wanted him to be happy. Genuinely happy.

Fucking great. Who could you talk to? You still were not done being mad at Sam. And now you were mad at Bucky for something he did not even do. He sort of did. He could have said no. If he really did not want to, he could have said no. Bucky was enough of a man to speak his mind, you knew that. Maybe he did want to go on a date with her. What was her name again? Not that you cared too much. But still. Blinking away the tears that had formed at the corners of your eyes, you kept on walking. Without a real destination. You were stupid. Friends. Why could you not accept this? Usually, you would call Steve in such a situation. Or even Tony. But it was too late now. They were not here anymore. You had to deal with that sooner or later. Whether you liked it or not. Contemplating calling Sam, you eyed your phone carefully. One more button. But nope. The anger was bigger than the need to talk to someone. Stubborn you. Wilson could make you feel better. But you would most likely end up yelling at him. And you knew you would regret your words later on. So might as well stay silent for the time being. Until you calmed down enough.

It was 10 pm. Date time for Bucky. That same restaurant. Being the gentleman that we was, he even brought her flowers. Like it used to be back in the 40s.

“Well, if that’s not the most adorably old-fashioned thing anyone’s ever done.” Bucky felt lost. In her company. “Grab a seat, I’ll be done in a few.”

“Okay.” he could up & leave. It would not be too late. All he knew was that it felt wrong.

“So, have you dated much since half the fish in the sea came back?”

“Not really. I, um…tried the whole online dating thing. (Y/N), the girl who was here with me yesterday, she set up a profile for me because I didn’t understand a single thing.” laughing at the memory, he thought back to when he called you to ask you for a favor. How you laughed at him for wanting to try this whole bullshit. “It’s pretty crazy. A lot of weird pictures.”

“What kind of weird?”

“I mean, tiger photos? Half the time I don’t even know what I’m looking at. It’s…It’s a lot. When I showed (Y/N), she simply said that this was what I signed up for.”

“You sound like my dad.” definitely something a man did not want to hear while on a date. On the other hand, he did not even want this to be a date. “Wait. How old are you?

“A hundred & six.” only he could make it sound so casually. Like it was the most normal thing on this planet. Both laughed at his words. Simply because it was so absurd.

“What’s up with your big gloves?” a sensitive topic she just touched.

“I, um, have, uh…poor circulation.” sure thing.

“Hmm…Hey, what is it about this (Y/N) girl & you?” his eyes widened at her question. What was she getting at?

“She’s my friend. Why?” his dumbfounded expression made her chuckle.

“A friend, huh?”

“Um, yeah.”

“You sure about that?” an eyebrow raised. A questioning stare was sent his way.

“Why does everyone think I don’t have friends?” throwing his head back in frustration, he let out a long sigh.

“It’s not that.” she stopped briefly, thinking about her next words carefully. “Just, you guys seem pretty close.”

“Well, we’ve known each other for years.” he reasoned, gesturing with his hands to bring his point across.

“Yeah? And the looks you’re shooting each other when the other one’s not looking?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You two aren’t really subtle about this, you know?” she wiped the counter & did not even look at Bucky. He, on the other hand, started sweating.

“Subtle about what?”

“Oh, come on. Who are you kidding? I don’t even know why you’re here right now.”

“Because Yori set you & me up on a date.”

“And why did you agree?” she crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for an explanation from the man in front of her.

“I-I don’t know.” he responded truthfully. Because he thought it to be polite? Because Yori was the one who suggested it? Honestly, he was not sure.

“That’s what I thought. Look, you’re a nice guy & all but…just, listen to your heart from time to time. It’s late. You should head out. See you.” she turned around & walked further into the restaurant. Leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts. It was clear what she intended. Did not mean that it made this entire situation any easier. Bucky left without another word. Fresh air would help him think straight.

Your phone rang & you sighed when you checked who decided to annoy you. Bucky. Of course. But wait. Should he not be on his date right now? Did something go wrong? Not that you wanted it to but if you were entirely honest, you would not be mad about it either.

“Hi Buck. What’s up?”

“I need your help with something.” there was no hesitation in his voice. Just him being straight forward.

“Please don’t tell me you need help on how to get the girl.” it was your way to lighten the mood. You did that because you could tell that he was incredibly serious. Usually, this was never a good sign.

“Can I send you an address? Can you meet me there as soon as possible?” his voice was low, deep.

“Um, sure thing. But just to set things clear…I won’t join in on your fun, Buck. That’s between you & her.” again, sarcasm was your way of coping with emotions. Though, it was not the right time to use it right now. His next words were proof enough. You should not mess with him. Not in this moment.

“Can you be serious for a second?” he raised his voice a little. It was not much but it was enough to leave you confused. Bucky was not the person to yell at you. Especially not like this.

“I’m sorry…Um, yeah, tell me where & I’ll get there as fast as I can.” gulping down, you waited for him to give you more information.

Arriving at an unfamiliar building, you could make out Bucky’s form in front of it. Why would he want to meet you here? Where was his date?

“Buck?” your voice barely above a whisper. The night sky only illuminated by the moon that shone brightly. Providing just a tiny bit of light. Enough, to let you notice your surroundings.

“Thanks for coming.” you could tell that he was stressed, tough, you were not sure why.

“Is everything alright? Because I swear, if that woman did anyth-“

“No, she didn’t. Promise.” his warm smile was encouraging enough. It was clear that he was not lying to you. “Just…didn’t work out. But that’s not why you’re here.”

“Okay?”

“My last nightmare. Do you remember?” nodding for him to continue. “How I killed that innocent man?”

“It wasn’t you, Buck. You were being controlled.” touching his shoulder softly, squeezing it to reassure him.

“Whatever…That guy, it was Yori’s son. I want to, need to, apologize. Even though the apology comes way too late.” you nodded at him, your eyes meeting his briefly. Now you knew why he called you. He did not want to do this alone. No. He wanted you by his side. To support him through it. Entering the building together, Bucky led you to the apartment Yori lived in. His hand raised to knock on the door. Surprisingly, he did not waste any time. He wanted to get this over with. Understandingly so. No words were exchanged. You being here, with him, that was more than enough.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Yori opened the door, his face showed confusion by the appearance of you two. “How was the date?” you could not help but roll your eyes at the old man in front of you. Looking at Bucky, you were worried when you saw him having an internal conversation with himself. Mouth opening & closing again. No words coming out. Risking a look inside the apartment, you noticed a small picture frame with who you assumed to be his son. The one Bucky killed. No. The one the Winter Soldier killed.

“It was…It was good.” Bucky mumbled.

“Bullshit.” you followed after. None of them heard you, though. Luckily.

“Forgot I owed you for lunch.” Bucky handed him money. If you were not mistaken, this was not a form of apologizing. He had a hard time, though, that much was obvious. Afterwards, Bucky turned around & walked away without another word. Which left you alone with a confused looking Yori.

“I’m sorry for the disturbance, sir. Have a good night.” plastering on the sweetest smile you could offer, you followed Bucky outside. Jogging to keep up with the super soldier.

Back outside, you saw Bucky holding his little notebook in his hands. You knew about it. Because you were the only person he talked to when it came to his therapy sessions. A look over his shoulder could tell that his eyes were trained on the name being circled. His body was tense. That was not what he planned.

“It’s okay, Bucky.” your hand stroked over his lower back in a comforting way. Your forehead rested against his shoulder, hoping, that it would ease him a little. You could feel him calm down at your touch. “Give yourself some time.” you mumbled quietly, knowing he could hear you clearly due to the calm night. You just hoped that he would not beat himself up too much. Not more than he already did.

You were back in your own apartment. Still no words from Sam. But that was nothing new. Sometimes, he would go radio silent for a few days but after that, he would always check in with you. Maybe he figured that you were mad at him. For giving away the shield & all. And he probably was busy with work. The work he did with Torres. If he needed your help, he would call you for sure. Your TV got your attention again. Something told you to watch closely. So you did.

“Unrest, in the wake of recent events, has left us vulnerable. Every day Americans feel it. While we love heroes who put their lives on the line to defend Earth, we also need a hero to defend this country. We need a real person who embodies America’s greatest values. We need someone to inspire us again, someone who can be a symbol for all of us. So, on behalf of the Department of Defense & our Commander-in-Chief, it is with great honor that we announce here today that the United States of America has a new hero. Join me in welcoming your new Captain America.” the crowd cheered loudly & someone walked through the door. You could not believe what was happening. Please, this had to be a bad dream. When would you wake up form this hell? A man, wearing his suit, holding his shield, greeted the people. Looking at your hands, you could see small, blue sparks forming at the tips of your fingers. That only ever happened when you had no control over your emotions. Right now, you were everything but in control. Of course he had to wink at the camera like the sick person he was.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…” breathing out lowly, you put your head into your hands, completely ignoring the sparks there. You did not feel them anyway. If you ever met this son of a bitch it would not end well for him. And the next time you would meet Wilson? Fingers crossed he could deal with your angry & disappointed self. Because you were seething.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter

Published (04/02/2021) by Cathy

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[whump-town]

Was Hotch Abused?

I offer you my 2,300+ worded thoughts on the matter with episodes included. There's going to be lots and lots of talk about abuse so you're going to want to steer clear of that if that's something you're not cool with but for those of you interested... I give you all the proof I could think of:

Natural Born Killer.

In the eighth episode of the first season, “Natural Born Killer”, we meet Vincent Perrotta. His father was abusive but from the outside looking in, no one knew a thing. Perrotta started drinking at fourteen and committed petty crimes, as well as assault, for pleasure. Going as far as to kill his own father not too long after. But Perrotta is a monster and a psychopath so it’s clear we’re not supposed to sympathize which makes his interaction with Hotch so peculiar.

Hotch is our “Captain America”. A true neutral with an infinity for doing what’s right so it’s inconceivable to compare him to Perrotta and yet Hotch gives us some rather conflicting lines to dissect.

Before Gideon hands the interview over to Hotch, he spends a moment talking with the others out in the bullpen. The whole time he’s leaned back and he’s watching Morgan and Hotch. Now, at this point, we don’t know about the sexual abuse Derek Morgan faced at the hands of Carl Buford but there’s something about the way that Gideon spends the entirety of the conversation only looking at the two of them. Waiting for them to put together what he clearly already has and when Hotch does…

Hotch jumps straight into Perrotta’s profile, asking: “You grew up in a house that looked normal and happy, didn’t you Vincent?”, “But your father beat you every chance he got”

Perrotta excuses it with a shrug, “he smacked me around some, didn’t everybody’s old man?”

Abuse is a complicated thing and, often, abused children just don’t know what their parents are doing to them is abuse. It can be a subtle and outright thing but there’s an element of normalcy to it. The parent’s abuse is as habitual, as minimal as biting your nails to the child. Adults often can’t identify their parent’s past abuse.

With Hotch you learn that his lack of expression is often as telling as his expressions and as Hotch looks back at Perrotta, there’s something so sad about his eyes. His voice goes from loud, assertive to his whispered answer to Perrotta’s question. “No.” As if, well, maybe that’s a question he’d raised once too.

Perrotta doesn’t care about that though and he taunts “well, maybe if yours had you would have learned to fight”. But is it not more telling that Hotch didn’t make a sound? Perrotta got in several hits and the only sound Hotch made was when the wind was literally punched out of him. Not even when Gideon called to him and at that point, Perrotta did not the garrote around Hotch’s throat. That’s another thing mentioned before in the profile and something Hotch mentions to Perrotta directly. You learn to take the beatings, smile even. So, it’s just a little odd how little Hotch responded…

But that’s all nothing, you can take that how you want

Which leads us to the fateful, not everyone comment.

"You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household... it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers"

That can’t mean NOTHING, there’s so much there but there’s something about Hotch’s subtle wording. The way he’s unconsciously slipped himself in there (a very real thing that people do) and he hasn’t even realized it. Doesn’t even know he’s done it until Perrotta pushes and he pauses, asks what Perrotta means. And the subtly of it, the way he doesn’t even mean to that says more than anything else.

“And some people grow up to catch them.”

It’s a super-specific comment to make. He can’t possibly be talking about Derek because he doesn’t even know about Carl Buford yet not to mention saying that about him would be incredibly rude if he were talking about Reid (and again, he doesn’t know about Reid’s childhood yet). So… that really only leaves him because JJ, Garcia, and Elle were not abused.

“P911”

In season two, episode two “P911” the team is hunting down a man trying to sell a young boy, Peter, on the black market. Kevin Rose is an underage boy “selling” himself on the internet while his abusive father has been in prison. I’ll let you just guess who it is that leads the team on finding out more about Kevin.

Your guess is more than likely right-- Morgan and Hotch. Now, we know about Morgan but come on. Nothing to say about it being Hotch who makes the emotional appeal?

The camera even follows his gaze, he’s crouched down (to appear non-threatening because he’s so close) and we watch his eyes take in the scars on Kevin’s chest. You can also note that while Gideon remarks that Kevin’s father was “always drunk, you never knew why he was hurting you, why he was so angry” both Kevin and Hotch look away from him.

AND FUCKING TRY AND TELL ME THE “some grow up to catch them” LINE WAS NOTHING TRY BECAUSE GUESS WHAT GIDEON SAYS? NO, NO GUESS--

Gideon: “At night you’d cry yourself to sleep hoping someone would come and save you”

And it’s HOTCH, HOTCH IS THE ONE TO SAY: “You have the chance to be the one who saves someone, Kevin. You can be the one who answers him, the one who stops his pain.”

PARALLELS PEOPLE THE PARALLELS

“Profiler, Profiled”

I bet you weren’t expecting this one, huh? But there’s something about people who faced trauma that makes it so perceptible to other traumatized people-- they sniff it out like coke to a drug hound. And, just guess, who it is that spends the majority of his time fighting with Morgan? Who knows (like I said about the bloodhound) immediately there is something Morgan’s hiding.

Hotch is angry, he’s upset that Morgan would hide anything. Mumbling about there being “larger implications” and how the team can’t have secrets. With the knowledge of exactly what that secret is it makes Gideon’s eye roll a little telling. Because it’s like they both know but neither will say. Driven home by Gideon turning the attention to Hotch, asking “would you want us profiling you?”

And again Hotch is the one to leap onto the abuse. The one to put the pieces together. Hotch’s anger makes no sense. He says he’s angry that Derek’s keeping a secret but the team has many, way too many. Over the years the team unwraps all kinds of secrets, he’s never angry then. So, it’s not about the implication of a secret at all. It’s what the secret is, like misplaced anger. Anger with himself may be leftover from his own abuse. But still…

Hotch lets Morgan escape. Knows exactly who and what Carl Buford is but all he tells the team is that “he won’t even speak about him”. He always knows how to find the abuse… like I said, a bloodhound.

George Foyet

I know you’re going to find this so fucking surprising but guess who also was abused? George Foyet was beaten by his biological father and his mother didn’t save him so he hates women (bleh, men are disgusting what’s knew).

Now, blah, blah, blah Hannah, I know you’re not about to say Foyet and Hotch are a lot alike-- no of course not. Don’t be silly. What I’m going to say is that they’re foil characters? They accent one another in an opposites sort of way. Foyet is a manipulative narcissist who doesn’t work well with others. Hotch is a guilt-ridden team leader who can’t let The Reaper’s case go. There are meant to be comparisons drawn between them. A good villain does that. George Foyet shows us that Hotch is not at all this removed, cool guy that we’ve previously assumed him to be. He cries in an alley because he blames himself when The Reaper kills a busload of people.

We see he has a rather compulsive nature. He never let The Reaper case go and has very personal ties in this case. Not even after Foyet attacks him, if anything it’s worse. He brings the case file home.

But it’s certainly interesting to see yet another “villain” with that same tragic abusive father and submissive mother come into play with Hotch. We’re nearing a point where it’s getting hard to call it coincidence (and according to David Rossi, there simply is not such thing).

Haunted.

In the second episode of the fifth season, “Haunted”, Hotch voice’s over a Dickinson quote: “One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing. Material place.” These quotes are often cheesy, if not a little cliché, but given the premise of this episode is in exploring the ways in which a man’s traumatic childhood has left him now grappling for a truth he can not define… well, maybe we can say the writers were onto something here.

Darrin Call, debatably the Unsub of “Haunted”, was abused by an alcoholic father. We see several signs of it throughout the episode-- Darrin’s delayed speech & severe neglect that leaves Darrin in dirty, hole-riddled clothing. If what we see is not enough, the reports that the team is given on Darrin explicitly state that he was extremely physically abused. It is this abuse that leads to the PTSD that he’s diagnosed with.

As sad and disheartening as Darrin Call’s life is, overall it’s the sort of episode that is forgotten over time. When it’s placed right after the episode that viewers have to watch Hotch say goodbye to Haley and Jack then, who is Darrin Call when compared to the agony of watching Hotch show genuine weakness? After watching Hotch lay in a hospital bed, tears in his eyes wondering if his son will remember him? His fears become our own and after watching George Foyet disarm and mutilate the one guy we’ve been led to believe for five seasons is infallibly, unflinchingly never going to break… well, Darrin Call has it bad but our focus is elsewhere.

It’s on Hotch, right?

The guy who is coming back to the job after only a month (and a day) off to recover. Who Morgan worries might have PTSD but he knows they can’t easily measure because Hotch wrote the questionnaire, he knows all the right answers. Who we see has had new locks installed since the attack and has Foyet’s file sitting open on a table for easy access. Who hears Darrin Call’s life (worked the same job without promotion for years before getting fired, no wife, no kids, a hermit) and bluntly asks why Darrin hasn’t just killed himself.

And let’s just take a moment to break down that comment. Hotch, who in the episode previously lost his wife and child, wants to know why a man who is steadily starting to sound a lot like him hasn’t just killed himself.

And I don’t say “sounds a lot like him” lightly.

Darrin Call has PTSD. Hotch, more than likely, has PTSD

Here are some signs just from that episode: hostility (he yelled at Garcia over something very small), self-destructive behavior (he ran into Darrin Call’s father’s house without a vest, back-up, or telling the other’s what he was doing), and guilt (blamed himself for missing the eye twitching Darrin exhibited because of his years of antipsychotic use)

Darrin Call was abused… this marks the second HEAVILY implied time that Hotch has been compared to another man abused by his father

Vincent Perrotta was the first with that hard to forget the exchange

George Foyet and his notably exactly the same past as Perrotta

“Haunted” feels like it’s supposed to prove to the audience that Hotch is losing it. He distances himself from Morgan, leaving every room that Morgan is in. He doesn’t pick up Garcia’s calls after Darrin Call attacks his therapist. The only glimpse we see of the old Hotch is with Emily, pulled to the side, but his guilt burns and he even brushes her off. Shaking his head and turning his back to her because somehow he should have seen something no one else did.

Throw in Reid’s comment about Call “victims are often drawn to the scene of their first trauma” and we’re painfully reminded of Hotch’s apartment. A place you’d think he’d want to escape but didn’t. The man was stabbed nine times in his own apartment and stayed in that same place. Almost sounds like that statement could be applied to Hotch too.

A dash of Hotch’s own comment about where Call would go to in his confusion and he says “to what he knows”, even the importance of how that orphanage is “where he became Darrin Call”. Where does Hotch go? What does Hotch know? The job.

So… we tally now three total Unsubs that Hotch has this direct relationship with. Three Unsubs with abusive fathers and mothers who couldn’t protect them. Hmm… coincidence?

Brothers Hotchner

Supervisor Special Agent Hotchner is a master of hiding, that is undeniable. It’s hard to see anything behind those furrowed brows and impersonal suits and that’s likely for a reason. However, anyone with a little sibling can tell you that no one on this Earth can and will annoy the ever-loving shit out of you like a sibling.

But that’s not really important. Sean and Hotch don’t talk about their parents. At all. Ever.

Hotch says that when Sean was in the first grade he got sent off to boarding school. “I was the screw-up making bad choices”. Interesting enough of a statement to make but you throw in the rough ages of Sean and Hotch at that time and it’s a little more than just “interesting”. You have Hotch at roughly 14-15 getting into trouble just like Morgan did at that same age (coincidence???).

(now you can certainly look at Hotch’s parentification vs. Sean’s immaturity doubled with substance abuse problems but we’d be stretching. “The Tribe” touches on the parentification but Sean just calls it “the big brother” thing and tells Hotch that he’s not Sean’s father and it’s fine it’s whatever. Hotch is a bit pushy. That’s not new. Substance abuse can just be a problem, it doesn’t have to be bc they were abused but again… a little coincidental)

So... was Aaron Hotchner abused as a child? I certainly think so