#the sick is not helping

[dyrewrites]

It's going to be a week before my pills even ship.

And I am in that fun part of the down where I feel like I need to apologize for existing.

So if I get especially self-deprecating, in a way that is not the fun and lighthearted way I usually do, that is why.

I am sorry.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[mouseshift]

just realized ive never drawn them in college . a crime really

[tedlebred]

this is probably all the tgcf you're ever gonna get out of me

[shotmrmiller]

getting rescued out your car during a blizzard or something, oil frozen solid in the tank and you've nowhere to go, phone showing no bars until a big, gruff man in inappropriate winter attire almost rips the door off its hinges to get you out and stuffs you into old truck, engine chugging louder than the biting winds outside, placing a coarse, thick blanket over your trembling shoulders.

you tell him through chattering teeth that you'll leave come morning, won't overstay your welcome, but he doesn't seem to care much about what you're going on about, not even looking at you once.

that's fine, he wasn't even obligated to rescue you from what would've been your tomb and while your breath is visible inside his old vehicle (no heater) and his worn leather seat is numbing your bottom, you're grateful.

until morning comes and you ask him to take you back to your car since the blizzard is over and the sun's been out for hours.

"not takin' ya anywhere 'til i'm paid back in full. think the wood i used to keep your pretty arse warm is free? think the food you ate fell from the sky? get back inside 'n run yaself a bath. i'll be in soon."

[bookalicent]

yeah so this was insane

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Five foot something and he's royalty.

[aevarswall]

did hope fail to come with the dawn or am I just sick?

[elodieunderglass]

I’m seeing an uptick in “begging scam asks” that are profiting from people’s generosity towards evacuees from Gaza. I’m happy to boost vetted/verified fundraisers, but I do not respond to fundraising asks.

[redrobin-detective]

I can't stop thinking about how funny it is that Aang had all this secret lore on Zuko because of the Blue Spirit that he just, didn't share with the Gaang. That boy knew that Zuko was capable of fighting extremely well without bending, was excellent with swords and unnaturally good at infiltration and espionage. And then just never brought it up.

Katara's yelling at Zuko on how he thinks he'd be able to find and break into the Sun Warrior Temple while Aang is fidgeting in the background. Sokka starts giving Zuko a hard time about his swords, asking if a spoiled prince would know how to use them. Aang is vibrating unsure of how to explain that Sokka Might Die if he tried to swordfight Zuko unprepared but now its been too long and it'd be super awkward to bring up.

[thevioletcaptain]

i genuinely don't care how good a piece of ai generated art or writing looks on the surface. i don't care if it emulates brush strokes and metaphor in a way indistinguishable from those created by a person.

it is not the product of thoughtful creation. it offers no insights into the creator's life or viewpoint. it has no connection to a moment in time or a place or an attitude. it has no perspective. it has no value.

it's empty, it's hollow, and it exists only to generate clicks (and by extension, ad revenue.)

it's just another revolting symptom of the disease that is late stage capitalism, and it fucking sucks.

[kaizsche]

"tyler, how'd you come to do this work?" / "well, when you love something, you'll spend your whole life trying to understand it." TWISTERS (2024)

[expelliarmus]

[nikoco11]

spider nico (spider bot…. sometime i call him circuit too) ((he’s like what if spiderman sucked ass))

[hamzahilles]

Please help me evacuate my family from the genocide

I have been living outside of Gaza for 5 years and since then I have not seen my family again, so now I'm trying with your help to evacuate them from the genocide 💔💔

Unfortunately it is been 3 month 4 month now since we have made the gofundme page and still so far from our goal 💔

Your small donation makes a big difference 🌱🌳

My family also deserves a beautiful life

Your small donation can help an entire family to survive.

[heartz4shauna]

you wanna be in a lesbian situationship?? the thing that KILLED jackie taylor???