#‘you should never feel that way’ ‘im here if you need anything’
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you’re gonna go far - pazzi x reader
a/n: okay this is based off a thing that @starlighttsv posted ! this story is gonna have things abt suicide , mental health and all of that stuff so if your not comfortable please dont read ! ilysm and if anybody needs anything im here or you can text or call 988 !
warnings: maybe typos? , suicide , death , mental health , grief , antidepressants
November 18th, 2024
you’ve always had mental health issues, but never like this. you’re psychiatrist prescribed you lexapro to help with your depression & anxiety , but they haven’t helped. you’ve talked to paige and azzi about you mental health , and they’ve helped but they haven’t thoughts are still there. just recently you’ve been getting suicidal thoughts. you spent all of your nights studying & wondering about what life would be like if you were no longer here. schools been torturing you and you dont feel happy anymore. you wanted to reach out to someone, but you didn’t want to feel like a burden. you decided to take a nap to clear your mind for a couple of hours.
November 21st, 2024
you decided that tomorrow was the day. you’ve dealt with everything for way to long and you couldn’t take it. you spent the whole day talking with paige and azzi , trying to make the most out of your time with them. they wouldn’t have known that you were choosing to make a decision that you could never take back. “we should go out and do something fun! your always in the house” azzi told you, as you went to your room to get ready. you put on some jeans with a brown shirt and your uggs.
you guys drove to the apple orchard, something you haven’t dont since you were little. you tried your best to make the most out of the day and tried to be happy with them. paige put her arm around you while you guys walked. it made you feel good and you started to regret what you were going to do tonight. “i love you so much, yknow?” paige said as she kissed your hand. “we should go to target, the apartment is missing some things.” azzi said as she skipped ahead of you guys.
paige and azzi were out , they had a late practice today. you finished cleaning and restocking the apartment , when your thoughts came back. you went and laid in your bed as you wrote your final notes to everyone you loved. you were set on this , eventually you texted and left some voicemails for paige and azzi. you felt so empty, so alone . you didn’t want to die, you just wanted your thoughts and feelings to stop. you walked into the walk in closet of your room that you shared with paige and azzi . you grabbed the chair , tied the knot , and hung yourself.
after paige & azzis practice
“why’d y/n call us so many times?” paige asked as she walked to her car. “i have like 80 voicemails from her, it’s weird.” azzi said as her and paige drove off.
“hey y/n?” paige shouted as she walked into the apartment, unaware of what she was about to see. she eventually made her way into the walk in closet and saw you. “shit,” paige said as she tried to get you down. “azzi call someone, she’s not breathing.” paige said as she laid you on the floor, trying everything & praying that somehow you’d wake up, knowing deep down that you never would.
eventually, help came. paige and azzi wrote the handwritten notes that you had left for them, and the rest of your loved ones. in your note, you apologized that they found you this way and that you were sorry for being selfish because you took your life. “she was so happy, and full of life, what happened? what did we do?” azzi said, her eyes were red and puffy from how much she cried. they would always be scarred for life, because of how they had found you. “did we say something, or do something? we were always with her when we could be.” paige said, she was numb, inside and out. “i can’t do the game tomorrow without her. i dont want to.” paige added on.
a/n: okay yall i physically cannot finish this im litterally sobbing what. this is the most thought I’ve ever put into a story and im proud. @starlighttsv i hope this is what you were asking for !! also my dms are always open to anyone! i love u so much y’all!!
#Spotify#paige bueckers#uconn wbb#wnba#paige bueckers x reader#paige x azzi#azzi x reader#azzi fudd x reader
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yeah so this was insane
#i feel like too many people reduce this interaction to jason being like ‘lol same’#but idk :/#this chapter is from jason’s pov#and leading up to it he’s like ‘people keep walking on eggshells around me bc of the the michael varus stab wound’#and he hates it so when he goes on deck to help out with the storm#everyone’s like wtf except for percy#and jason states how much he appreciated percy not treating him like a sick kid#and i feel like it’s echoed in this sentiment where jason could say so many things like#‘you should never feel that way’ ‘im here if you need anything’#but he doesn’t make percy feel alone in his desire to just…. end it all#which ik for some people that doesn’t work but you’re not a character in hoo and percy is dealing with so much guilt#and he can’t tell annabeth bc she’s a main aspect of that guilt#and he doesn’t wanna guilt her more and he feels ashamed and when he describes this he feels weird for feeling it#so having jason this tough guy be like ‘yo i understand it bc i felt the same way#that’s gotta mean a lot to percy#also insane how jason who also struggles to display vulnerability#allows it in one of few times in this moment just so percy this guy he’s supposed to be jealous about#feels comforted and not alone in his guilt and shame#and also it’s just insane how jason’s wanting to kay em ess does not get talked about AT ALL#and just seeing his mom and the pressure of new rome getting to him#like this scene is insane and i’ll never shut up about it#also ignore me i’m just finishing my reread of hoo that took all summer#jason grace#percy jackson#pjo#ashla.txt
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having such an absolute shit time which is horrible because I had put so much effort into making this week bareable only to be fuckin stranded in the worst place I could be rn because my health was so bad I couldn't leave i feel so fucking bad and helpless and fated to having to suffer over and over and over
#was supposed to stop here to just grab one thing I needed!!! but have been so ill (chronic health bs) that I haven't been able to leave#for two days now and it is ruining me right now im like. in a really fucking bad place in every way jesus christ#stuck w someone who abused me for 20 years (not my ex lol she was shitty af but not abusive)#and shocker he is still gross and doesn't take no for an answer to anything and keeps touching me & not leaving me alone & I couldn't leave#I wouldn't wish this on anybody it absolutely breaks you to be stuck like this because your body doesn't work. I should have gone to the ER#So scared my health is getting worse in really dangerous ways. Could have died the other morning#like what the fuck!! what am I supposed to do I have been trying my best my whole life and it still amounts to being homeless and so sick#and so powerless to change either of those#all I want is a warm safe place to call home. It feels like I can never have that without a knife at my back#delete later#woof woof#vent
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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just started reading book 3 in this series and page 1 is taking no prisoners hgdshdslk
#YOURE DAMN RIGHT HES UNDESERVING#for like a solid half of book 2 i was going ''im going to strangle this man''#i think the worst part is how oblivious he is to his own shortcomings#like if he was cruel that would be one thing#but no he just. does not see women as people. and it never occurs to him that there could be anything amiss in his view of the world#krista d. ball said 'this man does not deserve a first name' and she was RIGHT#anyway please read the ladies occult society books by krista d ball if you like regency settings#specifically with a lot of detail. i cant speak to how Historically Accurate(tm) it is but there is clearly SO much care put into all of it#like describing the logistics of having dresses made and suchlike#it reminds me of in little women when they talk about needing new ribbon for a bonnet or something but like More of that. i love it#eliza does a lot of very careful budgeting because she has to#oh uh. content warning for several kinds of abuse. for sure financial & reproductive abuse but possibly other kinds as well#i feel like im not really selling the series here but it is SO interesting#focused on all the little ways women eke out some independence in a society that systematically denies them any#also theres magic#as of the end of book 2 there are bickering lesbian ghosts#im pretty sure anyway. lesbianism not yet confirmed but like. frankly i would be very surprised if theyre not gay#characters who were never married but are still somehow divorced.#i should also say it isnt Romance it is Historical Fantasy#i think there is going to be a romance at some point. but it is definitely not the main focus & it's possible there wont be one#im rooting for mr sidney sinclair at the moment but we dont know him that well yet. he might turn out not to be trustworthy#anyway. good series. enjoying it#bookposting
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really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row
#vent#why am i suddenly the worst person to exist to everyone again for having bpd and complex emotions. 2023s coming back in a new way#like oh wow Have you ever thoguht of how Aria Feels. Have you ever thought to fucking talk to me about this . god.#this specific group of people keeps making me miserable and then complains about me being miserable about it. like yea. bc that makes sense#maybe i shouldve left all of you huh. maybe i shouldve done that. i need to be the one with agency over my emotions for fucking once.#everyone walks all over me and expects it to do nothing. keeping my fears in check and keeping my confirmation biases very much there.#lua if you see this that was entirely fucking unwarranted. im not some fucking evil person. i just have BPD. we tried.#i dont like venting to you for every single little thing either and it makes me miserable too! it wouldve been nice if you said that first.#all of it made me miserable but thats all we ever fucking talked about.#i really fucking tried just to get kicked down and spit at again for something so stupid and then the remaining 3 also left again.#what am i supposed to do. what do you want me to do.#i genuinely tried. i always wanted to try but just got left with questions and unexplainable emotions. and now everythings like this again#no explanations. nothing to give me any benefit of the doubt. just no youre evil and awful for this thing that we all also do but#were all going to blame YOU for not being honest about your emotions. and then i start being very open about my emotions#and people hate that too. literally what do you fucking want from me anymore. have i been anything other than a strawman to any of you#just an ideal to chase . just whatever you want to form me into ?#i am not a saint and never claim to be or claim to be the best or even most reasonable opinion. but you should all maybe evaluate that your#extraordinarily comically bad at anything regarding this. better at communicating my fucking ass.#i dont want to be at either of you twos fucking whims anymore. i dont even want to be at my own.#leave me the hell alone. observe me at a distance. just dont fucking talk to me until you have something better to say.#i did not need that. it is unfair to me. not now. not any time. not near my birthday not near new years. i did not need this suddenly today#because people dont communicate anything to me. and then expect me to be fine to be slapped in the face with it like its expected.#you people fucking suck.#i feel abused by fucking everyone. i am not a real person to any of you and never will be. nobody cared about my personhood#and you know what. im fine with that. because neither of you are here anymore.#literally i am mentally not built for people who made me miserable then blaming me for my misery . or the most stupid friendgroup drama of#the century i am built for playing touys and having fun Fuck u all forever get out of my life FOREVER !#itll probably come back again and then ill be mentally susceptible to this bullshit again but for now literally just . fuck off.#i dont want to be in your ouroboros ( lol ) of endless misery feedback loop bullshit anymore#like woww i have problems but Wow. Its almost like you two made it worse? Idk! Just a thought.
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boyfriend!toji who doesn’t know why but he feels this weird jealousy everytime he sees you meet your friends and greet them all with a big hug. you never did that with him. you relationship was still fairly new to the both of you, but you kissed you fucked you even held hands sometimes when walking around. but, what toji was now realizing, was that he wanted a hug. well, he wanted a hug from You. not a casual little hug, a hug. holding each other. he didn’t know how to broach the subject without sounding needy and like the complete opposite of how he usually acts. he had never cared about this kinda stuff with other people, he’d never experienced it growing up and he thought he could live without it. until you. until you showed him that wanting to be held was normal. he’d been thinking about it for a while until one night, as the two of you got ready for bed it simply slipped out.
‘how come you don’t hug me?’
immediately you stopped plaiting your hair and turned to him with a shocked look.
‘what?’
‘how come you don’t hug me? like when you see your friends or you say bye you hug them. you don’t hug me.’
as soon as he said it he felt stupid. a grown man like him, older than you and he was sat here asking for a fucking hug. what if you turned the question around and said ‘well you don’t hug me’ what would he say? that i’ve never done that before sorry i don’t know how? his thoughts came to a stop when he felt a small hand grab his own larger one.
‘i- toji im so sorry. i’m sorry i didn’t think that was something you wanted.’
fuck now he’s made you feel bad.
‘nah doll you don’t have to say sorry, its nothing let’s just go to bed’
‘no toji please. let’s talk about it.’
you lifted the blanket and made your way over to his side of the bed so you could sit face to face. everything about you was so soft, so kind. such a complete contrast to himself. he was panicking, he didn’t do stuff like this, never talked about stuff like this.
‘honestly toji, i really just thought you weren’t a touchy person. i’m sorry for just assuming especially considering everything you’ve been through,’
‘no please doll. i wasn’t trying to blame you for anything. i just’
his palms were actually sweating, but your face. god your darling sweet face, looking at him like he hung up the stars in sky. like every word out of his mouth meant the world to you. you would wait for him to get the words out no matter how long he took.
‘i don’t know to be honest. you’re right i’m not a touchy person i’ve never really hugged anyone. but i want that. with you. and im sorry, i should be the one to initiate it i just didn’t really know how doll.’ his voice was so quiet, just a rough whisper.
he looked up to stare into your glassy eyes when you leaned in and kissed him. a small whisper of a kiss.
‘can i hug you?’ you said with your lips pressed against his.
he knew you knew he would prefer not to dwell on it.
and then he wrapped his arms around your back so tightly like he was showing the universe just how bad he needed you. he pulled you into his lap and let his cheek fall to your shoulder. he felt your arms wrap around his neck and you fingers stroking the hairs at his nape.
neither of you spoke, you simply sat and held each other and made a silent promise to maintain the closeness from today onwards.
‘thank you for telling me toji. you big baby.’
‘yeah that’s enough. time for bed.’
your giggle was music to his ears.
#toji x reader#incredibly sad#soft toji save me#jjk x you#jjk toji#toji fluff#jjk fluff#jjk#toji headcanons#toji x you#toji x y/n#jujutsu kaisen toji#toji zenin#jjk headcanons#jjk drabbles#jjk fic rec#jjk fic#jjk x reader#jjk fanfic#fluff#jujutsu kaisen#jjk smut#jjk angst#toji angst#hurt/comfort#toji comfort#jujutsu toji#angst with a happy ending
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i have so many things i want to do on here!! oh my goddddd!!! i want to be unapologetically me! i just get so nervous and i fear like im being too much on here !!!!!
like!!! i want to post silly incorrect quote stuff on here :( and talk about my selfships and silly fandoms i love .... and my silly self insert that makes me so happy ... and post MORE AND MORE AND MORE BUT IM SO NERVOUSSSSSSSSS
it makes no sense !!!!! i mean i guess it does..... having someone who kind of puts you down all the time for the things you share with them makes you terrified to do literally anything and thats actually sooooooooo frustrating.......... wahhhhh
besides ........ i really wanna do something for my birthday blargh!! >_<
#ok sorry everyone i just needed to get this OUT#im no longer friends with that person which is good! but they still are THERE haunting my thoughts all the time#i dont like venting about the SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN I REALLY DONT#but this time i dont think i can just Not#like i just.....#they were not supportive at all even if they said they were#they were supportive when it benefited them#i dont like talking about them but this is how im trying to process how horrific and traumatic that friendship probably was.......#theres always a part of me that thinks im the worst person ever because of them its so bad idk#i wish i didnt feel like this sometimes.......#but in a good way: i can be a bit happy on selfshipping without feeling as if im a laughing stock to them#i dont think they even read anything i sent them in regards to literally anything#selfship or not#try not to talk about personal stuff almost at all i try to never speak about Me ever because i feel overbearing and a lot#but i just feel bad i guess...#in all honesty though: yall are so sweet and i appreciate every single one of you !!!#i just can never articulate my thoughts correctly#and i feel too afraid to show things because of how things were in the past :(#but i really do appreciate everything i just ...#im not good at talking about Me ... like i said previously i think#i think though a good thing is finally being able to enjoy the things i like even if its kind of semi public so i think thats a huge step!!#i just.... feel too much. i feel things too intensely....#maybe i should write things on paper instead of typing things out#idk... uh thinking out loud here sorry#rambling but um i think i got everything out ?? idk :thumbsup:#but i do mean it though: thank you for being nice and patient with me ^_^#i know my fear gets in the way and im trying TO FIGHT IT#going to PUNCH FEAR going to attack fear with hammers#this is so long i apologise ........#ashley talks
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#wishtalks#vent post time ^_^ yay ^_^#feeling very neglected atm#nothing feels like it's going right anymore#school has been tough im literally failing exams#barely have any times for hobbies anymore because i've gotten so busy#depression has been hitting really bad stopping me from being nearly as productive as I should be at a daily basis#I can't shake off the feeling of being burned out from that alone#it doesn't help that i've been struggling to connect to ANYONE at all lately#classmates are nice people but the connection I feel with them is so superficial.#Feels like i'm only ever around because I'm just there by default#I feel like people only really fuck with me here because it directly benefits them#I feel so wrong#I feel like the way I am right now I can never truly connect with people#the few friends I had back home are all growing more distant#they themselves are busy and this new timezone schedule just makes me completely unavailable#I feel like things haven't gotten better for the past 8 months and instead is either remaining stagnant or getting worse#and I can't do anything about it except for idly sit by and watch it deteriorate in front of me#but in a way I don't fault anyone. I would have wanted others to live their lives without me.#It's funny that thought I was deserving of anything different#the only way I can cope is by just accepting that i'm wrong and this is how just how it's supposed to be for people like me#I'm just tired. Nothing I do ever feels right. I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve anything and I kind of agree#I'm so used to the feeling of neglect it sometimes feels like i'm actively pushing any help or support away. but nothing else feels right#I feel like i've exhausted every person willing to help me out. I feel like nothing helps anymore and im just slowing others down#if you know me personally and you're reading this. i'm sorry I failed you#I'll be okay I just need time to pass
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starting to suspect that i am not very good at engaging in open/honest/non judgmental conversations on the internet actually
#teeth.txt#i try to be a lot of the time like#idk#but sometimes i do look back on like my opening lines and i'm like oh that was way more judgmental and coming from my own biases#than i originally thought/meant it to be#oops.#i think i need to actually ban myself from saying anything in any comment section ever#my communication style is not meant for it. even though i feel like it is and i'm explaining myself reasonably#it always seems to put people on the defensive#mostly because the types of interactions im talking about are like#contradicting the original statement that op made or whatever#so inherently that's gonna throw up defenses#but i don't think i'm actually ever helping with that and#perhaps i should actually just crawl into a cave and never speak to anyone ever again. maybe.#and i always make myself look like an idiot too. idk. internet comments are where productive conversations go to die#but also it's my fault and nobody else has ever had this issue ever#anyways turns out you actually can't just explain yourself betterer and betterer and make everyone understand what you're saying#or understand what everyone else is saying and where they're coming from#idk i just feel like out of the 3? ish internet 'arguments' i've gotten into in recent memory#all of them have ended with me a) getting stressed out by them and b) eventually disengaging completely#with no resolution and both sides just knuckling down in their beliefs#not good.#whatever i'll just try to get better at this in real life where it actually matters and i can better tell if someone is engaging#in good faith/an honest desire to have a conversation#ughhhhhh#also sorry everyone u get me talking on this app here way more because i can't talk to my bf rn. lol
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i just struggle to believe theres any ethical way to harvest meat. farm animal dying of old age? yeah. ok. sure. but farm animals aren't going to be perpetually dying of old age enough to fulfill the demand for their meats. you can make better and more convincing arguments to me for ethically harvesting eggs, wool and milk rather than meat.
#eggs? just supplement the chickens diet with more diverse foods to make up for the nutrients lost that they would otherwise have#if they were left to consume their own unfertile eggs#wool? well unfortunately we've already bred sheep to constantly grow wool so you kinda have to shear them for their own wellbeing#milk's a little harder to convince me w. but as long as you're not taking more than the calf needs then it should be generally ok.#the true crime however is how aurochs went extinct so that humans could benefit from them.#i don't think you can convince me that genetically altering animals for human benefit was ever a good idea. but we're here already.#so we gotta figure it out. i'm still disgusted about how we got here.#give me a convincing reason not to be. i do not marvel at the 'greatness and intellect of humanity' because all I see is people#using these animals as a means to an end. it feels the same to me as genetically altering dogs till they can hardly function.#wish people would just admit that this endeavor was done by the selfishness of humanity rather than try to fluff it up with#'well the animals can benefit too !!!' yeah but who benefits more and why do they deserve to benefit more#its fine to admit its done for self serving reasons. i'd respect you more if you did admit it.#humans do a lot of things for self serving reasons. the worst is when humans try to convince themselves thats Not the reason they#did something so blatantly self serving.#i think a lot of progressive types struggle to accept when they do things for self serving reasons. im not gonna pull a 'humans are#inherently selfish' on you but selfishness is very much a core part of being human and an animal in general. it's not what defines#us and it's not our only trait. we are a social species after all so it doesnt serve us to be purely selfish#but we do be being selfish still. we're not gonna be able to fully escape that behavior. you're not gonna be able to escape being#selfish by virtue of calling yourself progressive. it's impossible. just do your best to not be selfish but also dont deny when you are#honesty with yourself and what you're like is important. you're never going to be a pure perfect good moral person ever.#and convincing yourself all your actions are ones of Morality is Not the way you should go about ANYTHING ever#its why instead of letting yourself be kinda sad about an animal having to die to feed you you somehow try to convince yourself#that the animal wanted it or needed it or benefited somehow. it didn't. and thats ok to acknowledge. you're not an inhuman monster#for eating a dead animal. that doesn't mean it cant be sad. that doesn't mean you dont pay your respects. be sad it happened#and at the same time thankful for the animal feeding you. dont skip with glee about its sacrifice bc thats just fuckin.... weird...#a lil unhinged......... 'im so glad you're dying for me :)))))))' like.... girl what#not that you cant be happy to be fed just like.... dont sound like a serial killer about it in your inner monologue.............
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺
#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream#which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket#but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful#um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again#while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money#this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming#aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh#and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it#also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am#and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him#i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope#and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and#go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive#situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe#and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant#bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in#reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone#and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here#thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore
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insane that i’m the biggest disappointment of a child for smoking weed but the child that’s emotionally abusive is fine
#i??? do not understand my parents#like ok yes it is bad that my room smells of weed and is messy#but!#feels real fucking weird that my mum gets more upset with me about that than my sister being the literal devil incarnate#and not in a fun way#like dinner last night i literally did not say a single word bc me. just speaking. apparently triggers izzy and i think i literally just#acknowledged a joke being made and she started her whole. you need to leave. get out. you’re the problem. everyone hates you. shtick#and my mums response is can you just be nice to each other#???????????#GIRL I DIDNT DO A FUCKING THING#I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE CONFLICT AND THE CONFLICT APpArENtLy ONLY OCCURS WHEN IM PRESENT#(it doesn’t. she’s even worse to my mum but mum never. fucking does anything about it#which yeah i do get bc defending urself or literally just saying or reacting in anyway than what The Devil wants you to ends up a mess)#but maybe use two fucking braincells and realise i’m not the worst one here??#i’m actually gonna go insane#also it’s like. lowkey so funny that mums disappointed bc she thinks i haven’t been smoking for months#which i have!! u just haven’t fuckin realised it bestie!! so maybe the reason i am being depressed and useless rn is related to uhh the#fucking demon that’s living in the house again???#not because weed is so evil and brain rotting??#also like i do completely get how silly of me it is to blame everything on my sister when i am aware that my mum hates me smoking weed and#i shouldn’t get a free pass just because my sister is worse than me#but also.#i would like a free pass:(#basically! i should move out lol#but unfortuately i have spent all of my savings#can’t wait to spend 12 hours in the car with all of them tomorrow!!#ah you know when u look back at the times you were gonna kill urself and wish you just fucking did#vent post
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i just WOKE UP !!?????!!!!!!
2024.07.15 — dinner date with Ume. ♡
(hands up if you know where the reference photo’s froooommmmm!!!! >:3 aju nice.)
#art!#you @ed me as if my ume senses weren’t already tingling. is this why i kept stirring in my sleep? there’s a disturbance in the air. and thi#so this is the culprit. how was i supposed to not feel the change in atmosphere ???#☆ミ umemiya.#WHY IS HE SMILING LIKE THAT /pos (compliment) LOOK AT HIS MOUTH HE IS SO KISSABLE ? HIS LIPS ???? BIBI .#AND LOOK AT HIS PRETTY EYES BIBI YOU ALWAYS DO THIS (compliment) LIKE U GIVE HIM HIS LIL DROOPY PUPPY EYES BUT U DO IT IN A WAY WHERE HE#LOOKS SO DREAMY AND SOFT. HIS EYES R SO FUCKING PRETTY. WTF. AND YOU GAVE HIM HIS GLASSES . and what if i can’t finish using my tags becaus#because i have EXPLODED. erupted like a volcano. yk star deaths ? that’s me. i did. i’m no more! goodbye to what remains of zevie#this is my ghost speaking bc i need to finish my tags here. look at the fuckinnnngggg muuuscles bibi drew.#do you see his bulging tricep. god i love men w huge ass triceps sm I LOVE THEN. and look at his bicep. i know all of you see that bicep#vein better than me !! better than me bc i’m not wearing contacts or glasses now. straight up outa bed and im hit with this !! can you belie#believe bibi (affectionate) bc i cannot !! LOOK AT THE VEINS SHE GAVE HIM …. not even just one biceps they are also ….#on his forearms . do yk what it means . yk when his fingers r inside u and they curl. the forearm muscle bulges and u can see the vein#protruding more . bonus if he’s sweaty and the muscle is just glistening. WOW! okay. moving on. LOOK AT HIS BOOBS. U CAN SEE THEM PEEKING#THROUGH THE SHIRT. THATS HOW BIG THEY ARE. see how they bulge bc of how his arm is pressing against it? CRIMINAL. me and all my ume girlies#are on our way to bury on our faces in them. HUGE pillows btw . ok moving on. LETS TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR . his hair. it’s up yeah? but it’s#messy like in his fight with choji. the best hair ever. he is actually so soft and so fluffy. his hair looks like fresh snow . he is#absolutely everything to me !! literally unreal. absolutely ethereal. an angel. WOW.#i want to talk about his shirt. and the fact that he wears white tees at bofurin simply bc someone told#him it looks good. what a cutie. he would wear anything if you asked him sweetly enough. ‘oh you think i’ll look good?’#ANYWAYS HIS SHIRT HERE … THE WAY HIS MUSCLES R LIKE BULGING AGAINST IT IM SO NOT OKAY >: AND NOW IM LOOKING AT HIS NECK#i want to cover him in bites fr . look at how COMFY the area between his neck / shoulder is ??? BURY UR FACE RIGHT THERE.#bibi !!! you never cease to amaze me . bc the sketch had me falling to my knees and crying (see pictures for references) and this finished#one …… i’m really not okay (positive) i am really . really not okay!!!#please he looks so cute >: IM TAKING YIU HOME UME . YOURE COMING WITH ME . today i will be the one giving you a piggy back ride#get those pretty arms wrapped around me STAT. bibi i’m sobbing the artist / writer / person that you are (compliment)#i have no idea how i’m gonna recover from this . maybe i should go back to sleep and wake up because no way this is reality. this isn’t real#and i am just dreaming right now. bibi never showed me this at all. bibi never drew this at all. it’s not real. go back to sleep zevie … le#let’s just go back to sleep …. don’t think about it. don’t think about how pretty he is …. oh no no …. yeah let’s get under the covers …#goodnight everybody !!!!!! i say this fully aware that this will (affectionately) haunt me in my sleep for the rest of the week
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