#the results right now make me happy
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Rain as Precipice:
Guess who finished this little guy!!!! hmm he kinda looks too happy tho... Better fix this
Yeah more trauma is enough
#worm#parahumans#ward#wardblr#wormblr#rain o'fire frazier#snag#jonathan Seiter#precipice#breakthrough#God he took so long#after this fucking cluster I dont want to see big arms/hands/claws or whatever the fuck in my life#really happy with the result tho#Im gonna sleep now#this one took me hours because I wanted to make all the little scenes#maybe ill do a female rain with the trans flag saying trains rights or smthng#agter I sleep#rain worm#Rain Ward#also yeah I just wanted an excuse to make my favorite scene from Ward#god I laugh every time I see the last one lmfao#heroforge
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talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"
like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like
imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.
i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.
#i know and love so many people who have intense anxiety about their ability to create art and who are so hard on themselves about the result#and i think that's a REALLY easy thing to feel because creating is also vulnerable & physically difficult and there is SOOOO much to master#but i think for me the people who churn out 300 colored pencil front facing hands behind their backs oc doodles on lined notebook paper-#are the ones with the right idea. they're the ones i aspire to be like#i'm not saying i never struggle either bc tbh#as someone with depression and adhd there are times where the Act of Having Fun is simply not possible#sometimes i CAN'T enjoy things because my ability to feel joy is locked behind a barrier of my mental illness#so i don't think it's an Easy thing to do by far and I don't think you can just Magically Make Yourself Happy And Having Fun#but i DO think that experimenting in a low-stakes low-pressure manner until you find something that clicks in your brain helps#doing things for the sake of doing them is the only way to figure out which ones WILL be fun to you#not all of them will. some things will feel like a slog#but i think you have to look for the passion before you're able to face the slog#if you jump right into the parts that are Hard and Challenge Your Limits it's easy to spin your wheels and get stuck#but if you focus on the super small stakes and the things that are thoughtless and focused more on Sensation-#the sensory experience of mixing paint or the scratch of pencil on paper or the smooth way a specific pen makes lines-#then you can lose yourself in the physical aspect of it FIRST#and then once you've started really ENJOYING those sensations you can start learning new ways to use them#because now you have the drive to want to do more#now you have the desire to find new ways to apply this thing you like doing#long post#even longer tags#art#drawing#artists#art advice
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Whoopsie time
#vent tw#cw vent#I'm stupid to have dropped out of college#now I don't know what I'm doing and I can't do the very passion I set out to do#Animation was my dream and I ruined it for a guy who groomed me and ended up physically abusing me.#I didn't realize trying to animate and failing because I don't understand it no matter what I look up about it would result in a breakdown#Not to mention I'm regressing in my art skill right now.#My art is ASS right now no matter how hard I try to improve it#references... Practice... Doodles... Warmups you name it#nothing is going right and I have the urge to quit art altogether#I'm not going to and I can't bring myself to ever do that but It's aching inside me#I want my art to be good according to me. not others. People can say it's great but if I don't like it... I'm not going to settle for it#I shouldn't have left#I loved college#I loved SELU#I loved my life back then#And now I'm here. And I'm not happy anymore.#Even with writing. I even took a long break from writing and I still can't do it right according to myself.#Now I have no muse or motivation for any of it#I feel empty. And I can't go to therapy because I can't afford the balance on my account.#I just feel like I failed.#I feel like I failed my parents and myself. They always tell me theyre so proud of me but I don't understand how they can be.#Not when I ended up in two severely abusive relationships... Dropped out of college twice... And now work in a factory full time.#Yeah i make decent money in a place I enjoy but it all just feels empty.#I could've been more#i could've done better#[[out of ammo]];; ooc
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im such a loser it hurts. i’ve gained a lot of weight over the last year and it makes me hate my body. my job sucks and pays so little i feel ashamed just thinking about it. my grades are bad and my writing is mediocre and devoid of meaning. why do i even exist
#hate hate hate hate myself#when did it all go wrong#though i guess it was never right in the first place#my whole life ive been pulling through by the skin of my teeth. and of course it doesnt look this way#with the impressive list of high ranking schools i studied in and good grades and aced exams#but it never brought me happiness. it was just something i had to do. was supposed to do because i was good enough#and i never enjoyed studying there. it has been a constant nightmare#and now im working the job which is not bad. but being there makes me feel like im actively dying#and yeah. the salary. it Sucks with a capital s#and all my attempts to find a better paying job so far resulted in nothing#i have a good life. i have a nice apartment with a short commute. a loving partner. enough money to live comfortably#so i feel like i shouldnt complain#but the horrors persist through it all#its just been a constant struggle. and whatever i do it doesnt go away#sorry. im upset and tired and my heas hurts#will probably delete this tomorrow#arnold’s laments
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bad news. ya boy’s got wicked low testosterone. I’m outta boy juice!
#just got my results back this morning. I’m outta the boy sauce.#haven’t talked to my dr yet BUT I did see my therapist who is NOT a doctor but he says yeah I’ve got it worse than any of his past patients#gonna call my dr tomorrow and see about setting up an appointment#dang… my juice#you ever have that fantasy that you see a dr and they finally find a source of a long standing health issue AND they can fix it w/ a pill?#I’m trying not to get my hopes up but my number was rilll rilll low#like… I could be more normal in a week or two#or at least have more energy and drive#that would be amazing#just let me dream a little#lol but uhhh what if I instead ask for estrogen and uhhhh uhhhh 🥴#what if I was pretty? and happy….#hey let’s not unpack that right now#just gonna keep that buried down deep#that’s for 40 year old Ian to work through!#let’s not make a big deal out of any of this#and I love you. and I appreciate you.#you can ignore this#text
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I'm tired of trying to rummage through the dwindling search results just so I can maybe find something new to read — I've been in the fandom for years, I partially grew up with it, it's basically part of my identity, it carried me through some of my worst years as of now, and it's horrible to see it slowly die day by day. It's no one's fault — after all, I get why people would want to leave, and why they'd want to erase every trace of having loved these characters, the internet isn't forgiving once you've fucked up; there's no nuance and no mercy, so I get it.
But I'm not ready to leave yet. I don't think I'll ever be.
I want to keep growing alongside these characters, I want to live as they do and smile when they do — cry and laugh and feel whenever they do. Yet now I have to come to terms with the death of this fandom, the one that saved me (for as dramatic as it sounds) and the one that cradled me when I needed a hug. The one that made me feel a little less alone in what I loved, the one I wanted to explore until I died.
I have to come to terms with it's death, I have to come to terms with the fact that one day I won't have any new stories to read. I don't think I can do that without breaking.
The thing is: there's no other fandom that has grabbed me this hard — this fandom felt so versatile, so malleable; we could write about space the same way we could write about fantasy and superheroes and its canon. We could write about the olympics and dance academies and slam poetry, and no one would bat an eye; it feels harder to do all of this with other characters. I haven't found anything to fill the void this fandom is leaving, and I fear I never will — I know it's only been months, but I thought this would last forever! I thought I'd keep growing alongside it and I know this must sound stupid, some random person on the internet mourning an online community of all things, but it helped me: I felt held and accompanied whenever I opened a new book, I spent days imagining what my favorite characters would do in whatever story I was thinking of writing next, I started so many books that I'm not sure I'll ever finish writing, and somehow I don't mourn those the way I mourn the fandom as a whole. I felt seen in a way I never quite did in real life, because in the community there were other people who shared the same passion for the characters that I did, and I didn't have to explain it all to them so they could understand — they already did! They created and lived and grew up with it the same way I did, and for once I hadn't felt like the odd one out of the group, the one with the weird interests that no one cared about because they were inaccessible to others.
And now it's fucking dying. And now I gotta mourn it all
I feel aimless, like I'm just drifting through the motions — I never had much going on, still don't have a lot going on (hell, I probably have even less going on right now) and I know that doesn't help me in moving on. Maybe I need to start going to therapy again, maybe this is just the denial in the grieving process — but I'm tired. I finally had a taste of how it was like being within a big community that understood me and got what I liked and enjoyed the same things as I did, and I don't wanna go back to being isolated in my interests.
And to think this whole... I don't know man, thing spawned out of not finding many books I wanted to read. I feel dumb. I feel pathetic. I'm sad and angry and so heartbroken. The null sleep I got through the night is probably not helping. I should go to sleep I think
#don't mind me#i just hate humanity right now#i wanna claw at the walls and bleed and make it known that I'm sufgering i guess#but it feels stupid. i mean it's just a fandom. it ain't that big#except it WAS that big. it was my WHOLE. LIFE#I don't think i can properly move on#I don't WANNA move on#i miss 202 and 2021 and 2022 and 2023. when i was happy#or at LEAST i could PRETEND i was happy bc the fandom wasn't caving in around me and burying me alive#anyway#demon rambles™#I'll probably feel better after sleeping. or at least I'll be numb to it#i genuinely fear the day i finally run through the entire search results#reading is like. 99% of my entertainment. all i do is READING#the moment i run out of stuff to read is when the fandom is gonna be well and truly DEAD to me. and i fear that day and whenever it comes#i wish he hadn't passed away. i wished the other one hadn't turned out to be an absolute bastard#i wish the fandom could've survived both blows relatively fine. but i can't really say I'm surprised it couldn't#I won't. but i REALLY wanna claw at my arms. feel the pain SOMEWHERE where i can heal it easily i guess#how does one heal a wounded heart? how do i move on? CAN i move on? even when i don't wanna? when i GOTTA?#crying myself to sleep#i guess
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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i feel like i’m wasting my time on schoolwork that i ultimately don’t care about when i could be taking pictures of bugs and drawing yaoi and discussing what kind of lingerie light yagami would like based on his sense of fashion and personality
#like idgaf abt any of this shit rn. i was academia brained for like 16 years give me a fucking break#ik i’m planning to start my masters right after i graduate but honestly i need a break i want to yaoi for some time#unforch that cannot happen bc i am on an invisible timer that says if i don’t speedrun everything in life i will die which i have always#felt since i was young#this could be the result of untreated anxiety tbh but who cares#anyway i went outside to see the fireflies and i was like i’m going to cry i never get to go outside bc i’m busy w school and if i do#go outside to have fun i know i’ll be more stressed bc now i have less time to do school idk man. it’s making me sick i’m so stressed#w school and home and my family and needing to do things and not being built for living under capitalism and shit and it sucks#and i just want to take pictures and talk abt things i like and not have to worry abt shit but life sucks so whatever#i just feel like i’m wasting time doing things i don’t care abt when i could be doing literally anything else#like i already spent so so many fucking years of my life depressed or socially isolated and it fucked me up and is still fucking me up#like i haven’t talked to anyone outside of my immediate family in months and my ocd makes life so hard and my family makes it harder#and i feel like i’m just stuck here and will never be truly happy and that i’ve wasted so much of my life being miserable and that i’m#running out of time and spending it all doing shit i don’t even care about and for what reason#idk. i’m tired so i’m probs not making sense but i’m just. not happy with how my life is and idk if i will be for a long time or if i’ll#ever make it far enough to be happy u know
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I gotta be less hard on myself. Annoyingly i know that my best work comes from when i am hard on myself. But i keep stopping myself from doing things i want to due to perfectionism. Annoying.
#atm i feel like im just chasing interest after interest after interest#ive been working on my mimecraft base a lot but i have. complex feelings about the base atm#im happy with it and its paradise.#its too paradise that it makes me unsettled#which is nonsense its my place and my build#but i feel a lot of pressure to make it perfect#even though I and vee are the only ones who go there and i dont really care about the likes on my posts anymore#it still makes me feel. odd.#i love the work though i love the style and i love using it as a means to imagine a better world#atm im really enjoying just spending time on the server hanging out with vee#but i get into my own head a lot about the base#its not even just the base im talking about everything but the base is the example#i built a bit of a weird interior today i just went crazy with the terracotta and the plants and a pool of water#and i keep thinking on if it was the 'right' thing to do#and if i will be able to complete it properly to a high enough standard#it also doesnt help that ive improved over the course of the last 2 years in building#so now my house looks off and weird and theres trees that need to be taken down and paths that are over textured#but i find the process of doing it and the feeling of completion really deep and important#i dont know. i feel like im constantly in a battle of pushing myself to be better but limiting myself at the same time by having fun or sthn#i feel like i should be making youtube videos or at least prepping to#but i havent because i cant figure out how to organise mods and its freaking me out. theres just loads of excuses stopping me#i dont know.#the annoying thing is pushing myself creatively has resulted in massive benefits for me lately creatively#partly i think why im feeling odd with the base atm is because ive suddenly gone for being barely able to play an hour a night to having all#the time in the world so its created a sudden influx in development#idk. this is rambly#fish talks#i want to download a minec@ft map and remove the suburban housing to replace with higher density properties becsuse ive been watching too#much socialist urban planning videos again and c1t1es skyl1nes just isnt cutting the cheese rn#thats the wrong saying. fandoms censored to avoid crosstagging
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Quick ooc appreciation post for anyone who has ever interacted with this blog and especially the people who told me they like it/it makes them smile etc
#I've said this before but it makes me so happy that there are people who think this silly blog is funny#when i started it I was not expecting people to actually like my posts#I'm awfully sorry I keep taking breaks#I'm just going to hope when the weather gets warmer I'll have more motivation to post without asks and stuff#i kind of have no ideas right now#also I probably won't really be posting for a few more weeks which is one of the reasons i did the qna poll I wanted to check you like them#before i started another one etc etc#depending on the result I'll either start one or I'll just do a bunch of posts individually answering asks#anyway this was a lot of tags#I hope you all have a great day
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One of those nights again where I try to remember things and gets facts in order while my brain hurts because of how much it wants me to stop
#cant sleep 👎#also im googeling the same symptoms over and over again even tho i know its gonna be the same results every time#like doing more research will somehow magically change anything#i think the most frustrating part is the not knowing#bc that means im not really entitled to anything im feeling ? and that im basically just overreacting for fun#i was very upset for a moment bc my parents neglected me growing up but i mean..#if i dont remember or know that anything bad happened bc of that neglect. well then do i even have the right to be upset ?#it feels like accusing them of a crime i was never witness to. just to create drama or something#but from the bottom of my heart! its not like that at all! i truly feel very bad and im just trying to make sense of that feeling#i used to say it was a good thing that i cant remember so much of my past. bc you know. the brain protects u for a reason#but now i don't know ?#not knowing if there are legitimate reasons for my weirdness or if im just being crazy sucks ass#feeling like i can't trust my own reality always has me unnerved#i miss being happy and carefree🥲 i think deep down i knew something like this might happen. i should have never compromised my peace#but now here we are 🤷♀️
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i hate the commercialisation of the avengers inside the mcu both bc i find it cringy and meta but also bc it narratively doesn’t make sense.
we spent ten years establishing that the avengers are a contentious presence, civil war was literally about people not trusting them bc of what/who they are and now it’s almost completely erased and everyone loves them now? and don’t even get me started on rogers the musical
the way clint reacts makes it seem like the writers are trying to say it’s in poor taste but it’s less bc it trivialises a literal alien invasion but bc clint misses natasha and it hurts him to see an interpretation of her. not bc people are singing and dancing about an event that got hundreds if not thousands of people killed. the closest american equivalent i can think of is 9/11. people can’t even joke about it without being torn apart and it happened over 20 years ago. the battle of new york happened 10 years ago in the current mcu, the snap happened maybe a year ago, you’re telling me everyone’s chill with a musical about one of the worst days of their lives?
“i can do this all day” being their tagline encapsulates everything i dislike about it. the only people steve said that to were nazis that were immediately killed, tony who would never talk about what happened in siberia and the 2012 version of steve says it to him. no one else would know that phrase and acting like it’s something he crowed from the rooftops is at best a plot hole and at worse, an indictment of how little care the writers are having for the new era of the mcu
#other than the odd thanos was right graffiti the public loves the avengers now#and that spits in the face of over 10 years of established development and world building#even scott writing a book and becoming a celebrity doesnt make sense with his character considering all he wanted was to be a good father#now he wants to be famous and get attention?#to the point of disregarding his daughter? the entire point of his character?#and tony and hulk and presumably the rest of them getting ice cream named after them after civil war? everyone hated you three minutes ago#i already hated professor hulk for killing the hulk then acting like they didnt but him signing things and dabbing during the blip?#why was he being treated like a celebrity?#he and the avengers failed and half the universe died as a result why would people like him after that?#the avengers bringing everyone back shouldve created an ‘it was the least you could do considering you failed the first time’ energy#it should be grudging gratitude not this worship thats happening#which makes the flag smashers even weaker when theyre the only ones not sucking up the avengers ass#of course they hate the new world order theyre villains not getting what they want duh#instead of it being a valid expression#everyone in the world is way too happy and chill with everything when Half Of Everything Was Dead a year ago#it just doesnt follow the careful realistic world building set up over the entire mcu#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#marvelous#talk meta to me#marvel#the avengers#the snap#meta#captain america#rogers the musical#endgame#mcu#phase 4#phase four
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#not to be nuanced on the internet but#the war in gaza is scaring tf out of me both because of the increasing likelihood of genocide#of Palestinians i mean#and what this will mean for the people i love in israel#(many of whom are left wing and never wanted this in the first place)#i get being happy for israel to lose US support - tbh i’m happy about what biden is doing at the UN etc#but also like - israel failing is scary#israel voluntarily dissolving to make a binational or just multi-ethnic state would be awesome#but that doesn’t seem like it’s on the table atm#like i hate a colonial project as much as anyone else#but - maybe this is bc i live in the U.S. which is also a colonial state just an older one#most people in israel didn’t have tons of choice in being born there or even going there as refugees#like - european countries don’t want jews to move back#en masse#arab countries don’t want jews to move back en masse#etc etc#the us isn’t going to be like - sure millions of immigrants should move here#so yeah it’s all pretty fucked now#and this is why peace is the only real solution that won’t result in mass death#but the israeli right wing sure af doesn’t want it#and their actions in Gaza sure aren’t inspiring confidence among Palestinians that there’s a partner there#so it’s just all deeply sad
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i think i might wait until the new mh dolls at smyths go live n then buy all three cause i feel bad still :(
#i thought id feel better when i woke up but. i did not#im jst rlly going thru it right now#im having a lot of revelations i suppose#n im like. im realising things i didn’t want to be true but they are#and it’s all kind of hitting me rlly fucking hard#n im frightened and confused and i have so much to work out#i just. realising ive been trapped and controlled on purpose essentially my whole life#and having a breakdown at 16 was a result of all of that#and i have no idea how to exist without these people who’ve kept me#and having to now play a very careful game of planning and building up#without any of them noticing that anything is amiss#im just lucky i have my dad. cause he gets it and he’s trying so hard to help me break this cycle and be free#im so grateful for my dad. i honestly don’t think id still be here if i didn’t have him#like i don’t really have any friends. i don’t have anyone but my dad#and i don’t really know how to make friends. but i want to#because at the end of the day. as hard as it is to realise and admit#i don’t deserve to have been isolated. i don’t deserve to be alone and have no one#i deserve to be free and happy and everything that comes with that#plum.txt
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trying not to start #discourse over here BUT it needs to be said that i am fascinated by the depths of the average tumblr user's addiction to suffering. go into the notes of any semi-viral positivity/mental health post and it's literally crawling with people going "nice sentiment but it's meaningless against capitalism/trauma/disability/systemic cruelty/the Horrors so fuck you for peddling this delusional bullshit". like yeah bitch the Horrors *are* inescapable! why does that mean you have to be miserable 24/7 about it though??
#:)#been thinking about the chronic impact tumblr dot com's doctrine that happiness is incompatible with hardship had on me#like i don't like to air my dirty laundry out on a semipublic platform#but i think it's pretty evident that i'm a phase of my life where i'm dragging myself up out of rock bottom circumstances#and like even though i am determined to have good things that doesn't make the good things appear any faster#but the more i'm gaining that determined perspective and the more i'm changing as a result#the more i'm seeing that a lot of the last few years was fucked up by the way i denied myself happiness#just because i was surrounded by Horrors even though you can still fully find/create happiness even in hell lmao#and i'm fairly sure this is something that was imprinted on me by this website during my teenage years#so even when there were moments of joy amid my suffering i like. refused to let them exist?#which paradoxically Worsened my existing problems by making me hardcore isolated and defeatist#like no doing things i wanted to and not being lonely and having nice things would not have fixed the horrors#but also the two things can and should coexist lol#and this should be an obvious truth!#but so many people here are bitter weirdos who think being in bad circumstances mean they've forfeited the right to joy#idk man now i'm coming out the other side of it i'm really seeing how Weird this is as a principled mindset
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#no need to read or react just needed to rant about my brain a bit#the next two weeks are supposed to be super exciting with BC giving us a new look and song and music video#it's umk week and my favorite for once has historically great odds of winning and a good chance to do well at eurovision as well#I'm going to see umk live with my dear sister and stay at a hotel so it's like a mini-getout and then I'm going to stockholm and oslo gigs#this is supposed to be best times of the year so far but my brain decided we can't have any of that :)#last year at this same time I got hit hard with depression and the anxiety I've always had got even worse#it got to the point that nothing made me happy or feel anything at all and I just cried all day for weeks#everything about UMK night was blurry and sad because I wasn't talking to my bestie who I've watched eurovision with for 10 years#I just started crying during the Dark Side/ Bad Idea opening and the results felt like nothing#I'll always assiociate Bad Idea with my depression because it was playing on the radio in the nurse's office when I got my meds#anyway I can feel that same darkness crawling back to my brain right now and I'm very scared#my brain decides I don't deserve to be happy and screams about how unloveable and ridiculous and embarrassing and ugly I am#it isn't helping that Joel keeps reposting the most model-looking tiktokers because I always feel a hot gush of shame run through me#and everytime I see a pic of any of their blonde skinny young gfs I just wanna kms#now it's gotten to a point that the voice in my head yells at me that I don't deserve Bc or their music and I should cancel my gig trip#because they wouldn't wanna see a disgusting cow myself being so near the stage not to mention ask for a pic or autograph#and I should just hide in my apartment forever#and everyone who has ever been nice to me is either doing that out of pity or making fun of me behind my back#I can't take this anymore#delete later
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