#the first day of school and you die
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“Kristen remember when we died?”
Oh my god why did it just now register to me that that’s like. Their first moment of really bonding with each other. They both died and realized how fucked up their perspective afterlives were, came back traumatized, and that’s like. Forever their first bonding moment as friends. Wild.
#the first day of school and you die#and then you continue to go back every year#and they’re currently fighting to save the school who killed them on the first day#and has almost killed and failed them bc of quests the school has put them on#actually insane when I think about it#fhjy#dimension 20#fhjy spoilers#fantasy high#d20
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feeling like,,,, soon I'm probably gonna become obsessed with evangelion again. the weather forecast says I'm gonna have the evangelion brain disease not too long from now
#mole talks#maybe i should rewatch it. yeah haha that'll make me wanna die#i remember the first time i watched evangelion was actually when i was 14 and was in year 10#had to do some pretty important exams (year 10 is the year before you do gcses so the work you do then feels like a big deal at the time)#i stayed up late watching evangelion and then the next day i went into school only to absolutely flunk my maths exam#i got.. 26% in that exam#my friend was SO pissed off at me when she learnt i spent so much time watching eva instead of studying!!#but this is one of my favourite memories ever for some reason#i've always been bad at maths.. but lately i've actually been kind of okay at it so i dunno what happened?#i didn't pay any attention in maths class last year#but i somehow performed very well on my maths exam last year#and this year i was moved up a maths class because my grade was high#i don't know how that happened? but i almost started liking maths after that#but then. my new classmates in my new maths class are the worst#i have the coolest maths teacher now! but the worst classmates#they talk constantly and never shut up#and i want/ to die. (just kidding i don't wanna die. i love life and living and laughing and et cetera)
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i keep thinking about how scared i am about starting college and im trying to hammer in "do it scared" with the like. 3 weeks i have before it starts
#somehow “dont trust how you feel about your life after 9 pm” was able to become something that immediately shuts down my anxiety#but “do it scared” hasnt quite sunk in yet#i keep thinking about how id have to drive by myself and go somewhere unfamiliar and start something new and IM SCARED!!!!!#i guess i have to remind myself that i survived the first days of middle school and high school even though they were new experiences#i know how to get to my college. its in a town close by that ive driven to many times#i also only have ONE CLASS. on my first day. i only have to be there for 2 hours max and i can go home#not to mention a first day is never anything scary. its usually just an introduction to the class#ughhhhhhhh i gotta logic my way out of anxiety#perfect logic and reasoning vs inherently illogical feeling that makes me feel like im gonna die if i do anything new who would win
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At least twice a week since July I've had people thanking me for my neuroendocrine cancer education and telling me how often they use the resources I built them :') idk imposter syndrome is ever present and in healthcare you can even have thoughts of "Man, am I spending too much time educating/researching on poorly understood cancers?"
I'm still struggling to decide on format, but I'm currently compiling my research and resources to make a self-guided cancer education resource for my team. I really enjoy my job rn but I think focused cancer education would be nice to springboard into later in life once I finish learning about the inner guts of the ACA. I'm finally healthy enough to consider higher education, but the catch is my employer insurance is the only reason I can get my medical care...and leaving for school to be able to focus more officially on cancer education means I'd lose that medical care security :(
#Creepy chatter#Idk I think I want another few years at least in my field since I can sample each medical specialty but oncology is my babygirl#The emails I get from the NCI..boy you would not believe the insane breakthroughs we've had in just this year#Literally modifying cancer cells to 'I hope we both die' to themselves + treatment resistant cells#Hi hello we are learning to hijack cancer evolution to make it kill itself with a series of kill switches#But first I want to understand this busted but improving system and how to protect affordable care for the most vulnerable populations#I learn the jargon. I break the jargon. I make an education series. Repeat lol...#Anyway biochem is my fun thought for a major and then focusing it into an oncology arm#Or maybe just cellular biology to learn more about immune checkpoints + mRNA revolutions#Last time I seriously thought abt going back school I was 22 and got diagnosed with Forever Expensive Sickness#🧍Me when I...me when I want to work w cancer closer but my health is too expensive to maintain w school 🧍🧍#So I focus in the ACA until I can do school ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ do good where you are rn and all that#Cw medical#Cw cancer#Sorry forgot my tags lol...during my work day it's easy to forget
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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hi everyone, this is my monthly check-in <3
#not feeling so great lately...there's a lesion on my other knee now#and it most likely is cancer.#they want me to wait another 10 days for an mri???? like ur crazy#if u think i can wait that long.#sighhhhhhhhh.#anyway.#some cool things have happened#like spending all day in nyc with my partner on friday <3333#and um. i did wnt to vent about smth so uh.#ED tw#lately#my energy has been too low for me to wanna cook. which in turn made my stomach shrink a LOT#since i've been surviving by grazing on snacks.#and i didnt even realize i lost weight until i went to the doctor.#i didnt realize though that it would be even MORE lost when i weighed myself without my winter clothes#and uhhhh. i currently weigh what i weighed in my senior year of high school#which is the FIRST time i've been under a certain number in over SIX YEARS.#and i havent struggled at all w body negativity or ED thoughts in over a couple years. but.#now that my ideal gender expression has shifted more to the feminine side. and now that ive lost weight.#my brain INSTANTLY latched onto that#and was like omg YES do more of that#and it feels nice. this time im FINALLY not struggling to suppress my appetite!!! my body is doing that for me!#and obviously im still eating enough to live on#but still a huge caloric deficit. and rn my wheelchair shit keeps breaking on me. my mobility company is INCOMPETENT.#and my insurance might tell me i have to wait FIVE MORE YEARS for another type of chair......I WILL DIE BY THEN.#ugh everything is so complicated now. and im ALWAYS exhausted bc the sun sets at 4:30. i've just stopped binging and i replaced it with+#a LOT. of retail therapy. i've easily spent probably 1500 of my credit limit in the last 2 months. but you know.#that and not eating are 2 of the ONLY things i can control rn. out of all the fucking bullshit these useless people and my body put me thru#anyway. i'm sure you can tell how i feel rn. i'm just going to try doing anything else today.#vent
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Me: I’ll watch one episode of my hero after dinner that’ll be fun :)
Me three episodes later, having gone from crying earlier to just pure distress by the end: Well that was the worst choice ever
#my bf and I are watching ‘together’ by setting weekly episode goals and this week’s goal is three so I’m maxed out#I figured I’d watch one a day after school then it would be close to when he can watch them…#whoops#MHA s6 spoilers in the rest of my tags here:#WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO TWICE????? bro I forgot I liked him and then I was just sobbing when he died oh my word#and then almost hawks too I was like noooo I can’t take this#I’m glad tokoyami got a hero moment but also the kids being in danger causes me distress#uhhh laser guy that mic left with shigaraki was#was dumb as hell#like what was that dude#mirko SAID that he’d wake up with ELECTRICITY and you LEFT HIM IN A PUDDLE NEXT TO SPARKING WIRES?????#dumb bitch deserved to die but the rest of the people around the hospital that didn’t outrun the new power up didn’t!!#I thought they were going to kill mic then he got grabbed but then I thought they were gonna kill Aizawa and I was like NO#NOT HIM TOO YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME#but he’s okie for now#shigaraki’s power up is absurd#my live reaction to the spreading crumbling at first was like Gasp then Oh no characters I care about them Oh wow this is crazy#It’s gotten the whole building! then Okay- okay- woah there- alright now stop that. stop that this is ridiculous. knock that off#like there’s powerscaling the villain to be a bigger threat and there’s absurdity this was absurd#alright thanks for reading my review since I can’t talk to my bf about it till he catches up and I needed to say this somewhere
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Something about me is that I’m always dehydrated.
I always have been. I went to the ER in first grade because I didn’t drink water all day during summer camp.
I feel thirsty but for some reason I can just ignore it and I forget I’m thirsty.
I get constipated because I never drink water. I have so much water retention because I never drink water. My skin is suffering because I never drink water. I’m low on energy because I never drink water. My hair falls a lot because I never drink water.
Part of the reason I forget to drink it is because two years or so ago, I hated that I would get bloated after taking a sip of anything (I also hated the way I looked I thought I was fat but this was why) so I decided to just not drink water until I got home from school. I also started skipping meals which made things worse but this is about water right now. Obviously, this made the matter worse because I was already dehydrated to begin with so I started to get even more bloated, more tired, I felt like shit all the time, and my anxiety levels skyrocketed. Then I went to the doctor and told her about it in hopes that she would give me some magical solution. She just told me to drink water and I was like oh…
Long story short, drink water. I started drinking a lot more water and my skin sighed in relief, my hair is try thriving, and I get less bloated now. I overall feel more confident and energized, I would definitely recommend.
I still forget to drink water a lot since it kind of became a habit to ignore my thirst but I’m working on it and it’s helped a lot
#idk#random post#tw mentions of eating disorder#yes I had one but I’m scared of people telling me I didn’t because I don’t ‘look’ like people with eds so idek if it is one#ts is confusing ppl are always invalidating others for not experiencing things the same way#anyways#I thought this would be a funny(?) rant but it lowkey turned into a vent#oops#dehydration#rant#snippet of my life#I just need to share the benefits of water bc although everyone knows you need it to survive ppl don’t realize just how important it is#I almost shit myself in first grade because I thought I was gonna die#it wasn’t that serious but going to the emergency room sounded so scary#and it is but like I don’t want ppl to think I was on my death bed#drink water#I forgot to mention that it calmed my severe headaches#I would get headaches every day from not eating or drinking I started doing worse in school bc of it#once again drinking water saves the day#ofc this isn’t the solution for everyone but drinking water is very good for you#and it’s not that I dislike water in fact I love it I only ever drink water#I don’t like sodas#hydration#stay hydrated#pjo#kotlc#those are just the fandoms again don’t freak out at me pls
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FRIRNDO BLENDO!!!! Tell me your bmc glup shitto
THE GIRL AT SEV-ELEV
She's in ONE LINE of ONE SONG and NEVER APPEARS in canon and I MADE HER A MINOR CHARACTER IN A LONG COMIC™️ ON INSTAGRAM BACK IN 2019-2020
Backlog Part 31, circa March 13, 2020
This comic got me through covid/my senior year you have no idea
Plus the dtiys I hosted after the comic wrapped up, hot damn it's almost the anniversary HHHHHH
She's 19 at the time of the show (+ after vimh) so she's 3 yrs older than Michael, there are Some sex jokes shared between them but? Idk they're pretty minor all things considered. She's gay so we get that swert wlw mlm solidarity babyyy
#asks#the girl at sev elev#be more chill#michael mell#so i excluded the first panel of this part bc waaaah pic limit#but micha is listening to I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace when he comes in#and we see the date and time on his phone is nov 6 at 9:42pm#ITS ON NOV 6 bc thats after halloween AND when micha says 'some say i did [die]' its bc of the rumor mill spawned from the fire#bc he hasnt gone to school since halloween cuz hes being an angsty little shit#they havent learned each others real names by this point so they just call each other Red and Blue and Slushee Girl#god i miss this comic#and its sequel#i should really work on the third installment#BUT my current wip has consumed my lift for the past 3 yrs so#maybe later#ANYWAY YEAH UHH SLUSHEE GIRL IS MY BMC GLUP SHITTO#geez should i post backlog + its sequel here? it literally ended three years ago but#idk lmk#mj says shit
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#fun fact the college my kid is supposed to be going to in less than a month still hasn’t reviewed the financial aid info we sent in many#months ago#funner fact the keep sending reminders about the tuition bill due in 2 weeks that’s for the total fucking cost of attendance because they#haven’t reviewed the financial aid application lol#also they won’t answer the phone or provide email updates#like we had to commit without knowing the final cost bc of bullshit fafsa delays#but now they want us to PAY and for her to start GOING THERE without knowing the final cost?????#also really love how their automatic replies make sure to let us know that they don’t work on Fridays during the summer must be nice#maybe make an exception when you’re 4 months behind on processing aid applications!#a bill for 40K for ONE semester? 2K a month room and board to share a 180sq ft room with 2 other people???#honestly totally willing to lose the deposit and just say fuck it but it was lie her FIRST CHOICE school#I honestly truly Hate whoever in the govt fucked up on FAFSA this year like I hope they have burning diarrhea every day until they die#but also fancy pants universities with the absolute fucking audacity to be like ‘teehee total cost of attendance is 82K a year uwu’ I may#hate you even more#anyway just really needed to complain about this
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Fuckkkkk it's that time of month againnnn 😔
#First days are when the cramps hit the WORST-#Thank God they're usually on near the end of school but#My tummy ain't surviving shit man#Can I just die real quick that would be very appreciated please and thank you#BusterRambles
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The meower
#Queued... technically March 23rd?#I mean its march 22nd in oregon. but im not there rn lolz#either way im late. SORRY !! i forfor to queue on the 20th then i was on planes for like 21 hrs total#well no 5 of those were a layover @ the airport but#ANYWAYYYYY hi future me !!!#Howww was the trip? im on my first (second actually- its 4am of the second day if u coukd the arrival) day in Hong Kong#Its rlly hot and humid so I think im gonna die. BUT ITS ALSO SUPER COOL !!#Even just from the few hours I had out earlier its amazingggg. The lights and the buildings are so cool and theres such a fun but chaotic#atmosphere - idk if its just bcs its a big city or specific to HK?#I loveee large cities in general. New york. Tokyo. HK. thats all of the ones ive been to ig#I havent seen even close to all of HK. Im in central rn but we're goin to other parts later#Dad says the other parts are totally different- Like theres LOADS of gisnt buildings here (WAY MORE THAN U SEE IN ******!!! u know that tho#and theyre almost all residential of the ones I passed. Im sure theres offices n stuff i just didnt see them in the likd 20 minutes cab#ride lolz. U know all tuis already tho#ig what im getting at is HOW WAS THE TRIP !!!!! How was the rest of HK? WHAT WAS KYOTO LIKE??#augh soo many cool things.....#Also also !! Have you learned any mire katakana?#ive JUST learned the vowel line so maybe u lesrned the k line now too?#I cant imagine school is any different. OHH DID U FINISH THE M P 10P COMIC??#I started it and got abt one page done on the plane#I think it should only end up being two or three pages idk#Ohh !! Hows the new meds going !! I think u should have ur blood test done by now so do u know if it helped at all?#I hope soooooooooooo#Mm I think thats all I have to say .... NO WAIT HAVE U HUNG OUT W/ JACKIE??#i rlly want to b friends with her ^.^#Alright Thats all !! HAVE A GOOD DAYYYYYY I LOVE U#queue drop#weather report#WAIT EDIT DID THE TRIGUN VOLUME COME. HOW IS IT
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i really do love practicing 🎻
#i'm in music school so now it's a much more significant source of my already very significant fears#but practicing only feels stressful when i don't do it enough and i'm trying to 'catch up'#some weeks fly past me like hurricanes and i get to my lesson and i can't say i've made any progress and that fucks me up#and i don't think that's ever going away- like i'll always have weeks like that cuz everyone has bad days and bad weeks#from time to time#but when i plan correctly (which is becoming more and more the norm for me) my practicing is something im really proud of :)#i have a System. i didn't do very well before i had it and i would die without it now.#i get excited about learning! i get excited having realizations abt things to change or work on when i practice!#it feels experimenty a lot of the time and i like it!!!#i have a lot of catching up to do in terms of comparing myself to others but i'm not here for them i'm here for me#i will do my best and i will learn from others of course but my goals are to make my Me better first and worry abt other people later#i won't lose sight of that#<- and when it doesn't feel experimenty it can be calming to just be like okay ik what i need to do now just. Practice. Repeat.#i mean music is a fucking rollercoaster and sometimes you are at the bottom and i hate that but it comes w the territory#sometimes you're just Stuck but you do get past it and in those moments i just try to think back to previous times ive felt like that#ive felt horribly shitty before and gotten through it and come out the other side slightly better!#life is like that i think#anyways. hashtag iris loves music and being a musician 🙄 nothing new over here hehe
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in post-ph specifically a really old idea ive had is that linebeck is extremely, extremely possessive of his coat, but if in a situation where he fears he might actually die, he gives it to the person he trusts to save him, or he gives it to someone he cares about that seems to be on the brink of death
#its not permanent unless he dies. which he doesnt in any of the cases of this happening#at the end of the day its like a symbol of his immense trust and respect for the person and a sign that he really thinks hes not making it#bc otherwise you cannot touch that thing. rn i really only have one scenario with this with link damien and bellum each#link’s is the one where hes afraid the other person will die but hes also afraid hes going to die at that moment its a whole thing#other cases are if he thinks he wont be able to get out of smth without it being damaged or if he just wants it to be safe#theres a bit where he has to be separated from the crew for a bit so he preemptively gives it to damien for safekeeping#generally if linebeck hands his coat to someone its a Bad Sign. something is very wrong#bellum is the only one who understands the gravity of it when he first sees it bc like. hes been in linebecks mind he knows the abstract#idea of how protective linebeck is of it. and he has no idea how to feel the first time linebeck gives it to him. its a warm feeling#with damien its a mixture of terrified and dutiful he understands it as being trusted with it and makes sure to keep it safe#he understands what the coat means to linebeck just not on the same visceral level as bellum. link also has a good idea of how much#linebeck cares about his coat but its filtered through being a slightly mischievous kid whos tried getting to it before. when hes actually#given it or sees linebeck hand it off the first (few) times hes really scared and a bit confused until the idea clicks for him#this is an ooooold idea i think its from back when post ph was mostly going to be a 50 chapter thing using a 50 word challenge list#if anyone remembers those. this shit originates from middle school. the olden days. before damien existed#i like linebecks coat being an item tied to his identity its what he wants its something he finds comfort in its something he made himself#salty talks#post-ph#this might carry over a little to some other aus but these situations dont really happen the same was as they might in post ph
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I totally get not having good Bengali! I speak Hindi at home but when I'm with my friends who understand it they all make fun of me cuz I'm so bad 😭😭
HAHAHW MY SITUATION IS THE OPPOSITE 😭 i have a lot of bengali friends at uni and so it's easy for me to speak to them in bangla because they don't laugh at me, but my family ALWAYS LAUGH AT ME because i only ever speak english at home!!! it's so embarrassing dhfksjsj
#when i went to BD i remember i met my dad's side of the family for the first time#and we were having a REALLY big dinner with EVERYONE in that family#and i was speaking to one of my older cousins who i had never met before this day#and i was trying to say something in bangla and this man fully looks at me and says#'did you not finish school? why can't you speak bangla?'#i wanted to die i was so embarrassed#but then i also couldnt help but think#why would i be learning Bangla in a british school#technically shouldn't me not being good at bangla show that i went to school???#anyway.#oh the woes of south asian language#ask#anon
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There’s always this disturbing urge to put Jews in an imagined “rightful place” hierarchically from people on literally any point of the political spectrum it is really so crazy. Like even the most otherwise progressive people will only reluctantly “concede” that yes, Jews are *technically* oppressed, but don’t get too rowdy about it cause you’re still white and inherently middle class and probably a zionist! Like people genuinely believe that some stereotypical Western ashkenazic secular reform Jew from an affluent family that spring vaycays in Tel Aviv is what 99% of us are and never see any reason to question that.
#And the crazy thing is that. In my experience at least a lot of white progressive Jews will be the FIRST to point out that#antisemitism tends to cause more outrage or be the ''last straw'' more often than say antiblackness or some other forms of bigotry?#Like at least in the past antisemitism WAS taken comparatively more seriously and there's a reason for that.#Even though that is really starting to wear thin these days.#But its just crazy like the hatred. A Jewish person will say NOTHING and people be frothing at the mouth desperate to tell them#that they're not actually THAT oppressed so shut the fuck up.#Girl. There are security guards outside my synagogue to make sure we don't get shot for singing songs together or being a child#that happens to go to hebrew school. 😭#And fucking anyway. Even the most otherwise privileged Jew you can imagine is still going to deserve to die in the mind of an antisemite.
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