#its not permanent unless he dies. which he doesnt in any of the cases of this happening

[waywardsalt]

in post-ph specifically a really old idea ive had is that linebeck is extremely, extremely possessive of his coat, but if in a situation where he fears he might actually die, he gives it to the person he trusts to save him, or he gives it to someone he cares about that seems to be on the brink of death

[troddensodden]

Physical Features OC Ask Game !! 👁 What is your OC’s eye color? Do they have any eye-related habits, like winking or rubbing their eyes? Do other people tend to notice their eyes? 💇 What is your OC’s hairstyle? How do they maintain their hair? Do they wash it and/or cut it regularly? Have they ever dyed their hair? 👖 What type of clothing does your OC generally wear? Why? Do they have any “signature” accessories?

since its the only ask i have so far, im gonna answer each of these for all three of my current ocs :D hope thats okay!

cedric: fallout 4 || alistair: fallout 4 || emil: fallout new vegas

eyes—

-cedric: blue-green eyes! however he actually only has one, in a sense, because a bomb once blew up close enough to his face that it burned the skin, and damaged his left eye enough that he went blind in it. he tried to take care of the injury, but the commonwealth doesnt exactly have many medicine or skincare products. it ended up getting a pretty gnarly infection, which only made it worse after scarring. so now, he wears an eyepatch over it! he regularly wears a gas mask out in the wasteland, mostly for radiation protection but partially because he is somewhat insecure about his eye, and the look of the skin around it. when he isnt wearing one though, people do definitely notice his eyes for that reason, more than anything else. he doesnt have any particular habits, other than consistently wearing an eye covering.

-alistair: his eyes arent anything particularly special, really. just a plain dark brown, dark enough to look black from a distance. he doesnt have any specific habits, per se, as he is a synth and thats not necessarily in his program. however, if hes close enough with someone, he will make a fair amount of (bad) jokes or comments and accentuate them with a wink or an eyebrow raise. also, when hes frustrated he sometimes will rub his eyes with his palms, or do long drawn out blinks and eyerolls. his eyes arent all that notable though, so people dont take much notice of them often, outside of their expressiveness.

-emil: a sort of grey, green, hazel, blue, combination? really, they dont seem to have much of a set eye-color. its hard to determine. so on the occasion that someone asks, theyll give a different answer every time, sometimes answering with a color that is definitely not even close to the actual color. furthermore, theyre quite the mischievous and flirtatious type in some cases, so winking is something they do quite often, and are able to do with either eye. other times, theyll look someone up and down when facing them, but with an absent expression that makes it hard to tell whether theyre checking the person out or sizing them up. their eyes dont get noticed often because again, they arent anything particularly special, but when in a relationship, they do find that partners seem to take a particular interest toward the confusing matter of their eyes, specifically the color.

——

hair—

c: pre-war, he kept his hair relatively well-managed, a tidy crop with maybe a bit more length than the "average" mens cut. post-war, however, he frankly sees getting his hair done as too much effort, only occasionally stopping for a trim and otherwise letting it grow out, and tying it up if it gets in the way. his boyfriends quite fancy this, liking to play with it when they spend time together. maccready, on occasion, will even braid it if hes stressed or in a bad mood, as a way of calming himself down. (when he does this, cedric tries to keep the braid in as long as possible.) washing hair isnt necessarily easy, in a world where even just clean water itself is in short supply, let alone soap. however, he does try his best to clean it when he can, because he doesnt like the feeling of dirty hair. he also has never dyed his hair, because hes always been content with his natural brown color, even if its a bit "plain."

a: he keeps his hair close to a stubble, consistently. his hair doesnt grow very rapidly, but still, he will likely be seen getting his hair cut every couple weeks to keep it from growing out. he likes looking put together, and will rarely ever be caught genuinely dirty. any chance he gets to clean himself, he will, and any time he needs a haircut, you can bet he'll be on his way to the nearest place that offers it. he refuses to dye his hair, saying that it creates a look of unprofessionalism, (and hair dye doesnt go well over black usually.) nobody really understands why hes so insistent on looking put-together and professional all the time, but they accept it, even if he sometimes takes more time to get ready in the mornings than anyone else.

e: shaved on one side, long on the other. its also naturally got a bit of curl, which adds volume so it doesnt get too flat and stringy when it goes unwashed. they dont wash their hair as obsessively as alistair, though they will do a quick clean if they get the time. they dont particularly like the idea of using irradiated water to clean off, but its that or use purified water which is in relatively short supply. however, foraging is a bit of a strong point for them, so they will use natural supplies for cleaning off if possible, from plants and such. keeping hair maintained is hard in a relatively desolate area like the mojave, but whenever they find scissors and some free time theyll do a trim. scissors arent exactly a match for a nice set of clippers, but you learn to make do. they have dyed their hair with some temporary colors before, but never anything permanent—they actually quite like their natural gingery-blond color.

——

clothes—

c: whatever will protect him while also being comfortable enough that he can tolerate him with his sensory issues. however, in situations where he needs to looks somewhat "official," he will wear his minutemen-issued jacket over a decent shirt and pants set. however, he will rarely ever be seen without some sort of mask, unless the situation happens to be one where a gasmask or something similar would be improper. even then, the eyepatch stays on. so id say the eyepatch is somewhat a "staple" of his wardrobe, though its less of a fashion choice and more of what he deems a necessity.

a: if possible, he would regularly wear a button-down and pants that match. however, in an irradiated post-war wasteland, with hostiles around every corner, thats not a particularly feasible option; thus, he wears whatever is available that is in good condition but also effective. effectiveness is his priority, of course, but it does frustrate him if his clothing doesnt at least look decent. people see him as a bit of a pansy for it, but when he was in the institute, he was used to wearing a uniform that was focused on looking clean rather than being highly functional. so after escaping, that stuck with him a bit. he does, however, have an accessory he refuses to be without, and thats his and noras wedding ring. even after forming new relationships and finding a new purpose in the world, its impossible to move on from someone who was his whole world, what feels like only a few months ago.

e: emil most definitely prioritizes function over fashion. appearance is important, sure, but they recognize that it definitely is not the most important, when youre traveling across a hot desert full of giant scorpions and gang members. however, one thing that they always have, whether theyre wearing it or just has it in their pack, is this one puffy jacket, with a fur-lined hood. they found it in the dresser of a destroyed house they were scavenging through, and it somehow was in near-mint condition. the reason it was so special to them, though, is because it had a note in the pocket, from a girl to her older sibling. the girl being emils sister, who moved away with their father after their parents got divorced. the letter was addressed from her to them, but was never sent. and sure, while they knew that this almost definitely confirmed she had died, they were just happy enough having something from her. so they never go without the jacket, even though its warm (and a bit heavy.) impractical, but sentimental.

[internetdetectives]

August 8th, 2019 - Chat with GHOSTBABEL

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:16 PM: “ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴡᴇʟʟ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪᴅᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ᴛᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ᴀɢᴀɪɴsᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʟᴏᴛ ɪᴛ sᴇᴇᴍs. ᴛʜᴇɴ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴇʟsᴇ ɪs ɴᴇᴡ?”

Slinky stinks 9:17 PM: "We got nothing yet”

ARGdov 9:18 PM: "one person got banned”

ARGdov 9:18 PM: "he’s still in here with us”

ARGdov 9:18 PM: "and we have the ocarina”

ARGdov 9:18 PM: "unless this has other consequences we havent thought of yet this is only a minor setback”

Jos 9:19 PM: "Just nocta being paranoid for a long time has lead to moonman being banned”

Slinky stinks 9:19 PM: "Well, nocta can look further onto moonman and can reach to this server”

Jos 9:19 PM: "counter ban then”

Slinky stinks 9:19 PM: "But I don’t think that can happen”

ARGdov 9:19 PM: "we dont know he can do that 

Jos 9:20 PM: "I could unlock the thread and say well you got deceived!, imagine his paranoia raising up”

Jos 9:20 PM: "not gonna do”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:20 PM: "ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴀɴ ɪs ʟɪᴛᴇʀᴀʟ, ᴏʀ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴍᴏʀᴇ? ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ɪᴛ. ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ ᴄᴀɴ ɴᴏ ʟᴏɴɢᴇʀ ᴘᴏsᴛ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰᴏʀᴜᴍs, ᴍᴇᴀɴɪɴɢ ʜɪs ᴘʀᴇsᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ɴᴏ ʟᴏɴɢᴇʀ ʙᴇ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ. ᴘʟᴜs, ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɢᴜʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɴᴏᴄᴛᴀ ʜᴀᴅ ꜰɪɢᴜʀᴇᴅ ᴛʜɪs ᴏᴜᴛ sᴏᴍᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴀɢᴏ?”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:20 PM: "sᴏᴜɴᴅs ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴡᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ‘ᴅɪsᴀᴘᴘᴇᴀʀ’ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ʀᴀɪsɪɴɢ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴀʟᴀʀᴍs, ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ.”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:20 PM: "ɴᴏᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴄᴀʀᴇ.”

Slinky stinks 9:20 PM: "Well, we made this server so we could talk too moonman without nocta being to suspicious”

Slinky stinks 9:20 PM: "So maybe if he found out”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:21 PM: "ᴄᴏɴɢʀᴀᴛᴜʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴs, ʏᴏᴜ ᴍɪssᴇᴅ ᴍʏ ᴘᴏɪɴᴛ ᴇɴᴛɪʀᴇʟʏ.”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "shiiiiit”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "so he may be dead”

Slinky stinks 9:21 PM: "Yeah nvm”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck”

otherLiam 9:21 PM: "Guys, I think he’s saying him getting banned off the server is bigger than just getting banned.”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "this is bad”

ARGdov 9:21 PM: "like really bad”

Slinky stinks 9:22 PM: "We can’t let moonman die tho”

ADULT_LINK 9:22 PM: "oh jeez”

Jos 9:22 PM: "You can’t let not die someone who might died.”

ADULT_LINK 9:22 PM: "he might already be dead”

Slinky stinks 9:22 PM: "Daaaamn”

Slinky stinks 9:22 PM: "Liam did you got any reply?”

otherLiam 9:23 PM: "Not yet, no.”

Jos 9:23 PM: "Tbh”

Jos 9:23 PM: "Moonman is not banned”

Jos 9:23 PM: "his user can be banned, which means he is not?”

Jos 9:23 PM: "So nocta is just using that as a excuse”

Slinky stinks 9:24 PM: "Also Babel said we missed his point tho”

Jos 9:24 PM: "nevermind”

Jos 9:24 PM: "but he might be dead tho”

Slinky stinks 9:25 PM: "Damn”

otherLiam 9:25 PM: "He said you did, slink.”

Slinky stinks 9:25 PM: "Oh”

otherLiam 9:25 PM: "While losing Moonman is a blow, it also shows Nocta’s scared as hell.”

ADULT_LINK 9:25 PM: "oh hey this might sound completely unrelated, but. would IA recognise my handle on the observatory? it dawned on me that if their version of me played dnd with them i might have used the same/similar handle in there”

Jos 9:26 PM: "This could be a good point to overthrow nocta”

Slinky stinks 9:26 PM: "I can’t talk to characters without misunderstanding them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

Jos 9:26 PM: "he first said the bot were us”

Jos 9:26 PM: "now he says it was moonman”

Jos 9:26 PM: "how many lies the members will feed?”

ADULT_LINK 9:26 PM: "and it would probably freak him out to have one of his dead freinds around, which could make it hard to successfully get into things there”

Jos 9:26 PM: ”(except moonman who really did the bots lol)”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:27 PM: “ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ: ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴇsᴘᴇʀᴀᴛᴇ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴛʀɪᴇᴠᴇ ᴛʜɪs ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ?”

ADULT_LINK 9:28 PM: "i dont really know tbh”

ADULT_LINK 9:28 PM: "wait, "this” moonman”

Slinky stinks 9:28 PM: “Enough to do stuff but not to get in danger”

ADULT_LINK 9:28 PM: "oh wait isnt moonman greth”

ADULT_LINK 9:28 PM: "i am very behind on some things”

Slinky stinks 9:28 PM: "He is”

otherLiam 9:28 PM: "He’s a useful source of information, and besides that, he’s a friend. So if he’s retrievable we’d like to retrieve him.”

otherLiam 9:28 PM: "Yes, Moonman is the alternate reality Greth.”

Slinky stinks 9:29 PM: "But he hasn’t been patremized yet”

ADULT_LINK 9:29 PM: "in that case yes, greth is a freind. even if he’s a bit different from ours, he’s still the same person”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:29 PM: "ʜᴏᴡ ᴄᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇ sᴏ sᴜʀᴇ?”

ADULT_LINK 9:30 PM: "optimistic guess”

Slinky stinks 9:30 PM: "Guys I still have a 1% thoughts that he is the one who betrayed us”

Jos 9:30 PM: "I guess no one should die regardless their faction affiliation”

Slinky stinks 9:30 PM: "In any way”

Slinky stinks 9:30 PM: "Greth is a. Friemd”

ADULT_LINK 9:30 PM: "even if he is the one who betrayed us, death is pretty harsh”

Slinky stinks 9:31 PM: ”^”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:31 PM: “ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ ᴍᴀʏ ʙᴇ ᴀ 'ꜰʀɪᴇᴍᴅ’ ʙᴜᴛ ʜᴇ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ʜɪs sᴇᴄʀᴇᴛs.”

ADULT_LINK 9:31 PM: "so? you undoubtebly have been keeping secrets from us as well

doesent mean we’d be ok with just letting you die”

otherLiam 9:32 PM: "We’re all keeping secrets.”

Jos 9:33 PM: "I think is not about if he should die, but is that whoever is the betrayer doesnt care about ethics, and killed a lot of people for whatever reason”

otherLiam 9:33 PM: "Doesn’t mean our lives aren’t worth saving.”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "maybe”

otherLiam 9:33 PM: "Although I suppose there’s an important question to ask here.”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "wait”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "you said "is"”

otherLiam 9:33 PM: "What’s the price of saving him?”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "he may not be dead yet”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:33 PM: "ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛɪɴɢ. ᴛʜᴇɴ ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴇᴛ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴘʀᴏᴘᴏsɪᴛɪᴏɴ. ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴠᴇʀʏ ᴄʟᴏsᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴅɢᴀᴍᴇ ᴘʟᴀɴ- ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴡᴇ ᴅɪsᴄᴜssᴇᴅ. ʜᴏᴡᴇᴠᴇʀ, ɪꜰ ɪ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇʟᴘ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɴᴅ ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ, ɪᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴅᴇʟᴀʏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ.”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:33 PM: "ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴀʟsᴏ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀ, sɪɴᴄᴇ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴏᴜᴛsɪᴅᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴜʀᴠɪᴇᴡ ᴏꜰ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀɢʀᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ.”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "also @ADULT_LINK Moonman is greth from the AO timeline

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "shit”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "ok thats tricky”

ARGdov 9:33 PM: "what are the risks of delaying the endgame plan?”

Jos 9:34 PM: "What do you need”

ARGdov 9:34 PM: "and also yeah, what would the favor be”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:34 PM: "ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ.”

ARGdov 9:34 PM: "the hat?”

ARGdov 9:34 PM: "helpers hat?”

Jos 9:34 PM: "Helpers”

otherLiam 9:34 PM: "Helper’s hat? We don’t have it.”

ARGdov 9:34 PM: "we dont, its true”

ARGdov 9:34 PM: "to my knowledge anyways”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:34 PM: "ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴇᴛ.”

Jos 9:34 PM: "So find it to save moonman”

Jos 9:34 PM: "fair enought”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "you didnt answer though”

Slinky stinks 9:35 PM: "Another side quest of finding the hat huh?”

Slinky stinks 9:35 PM: "Nice”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "two questions now”

ADULT_LINK 9:35 PM: "is this a thing of "as soon as we get it we give it to you” or a “i’d like it at some point once you have it”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: “A: Why do you want it”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "B: What are the risks of delaying the endgame?”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "gah, fuck it”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "I suppose I agree either way.”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "though I’d like to know why you want it”

otherLiam 9:35 PM: "Hang on, let’s discuss this.”

ARGdov 9:35 PM: "assuming this wont lead to the multiverse exploding anyways”

Slinky stinks 9:35 PM: "Okay, who has the hat then, circle said he didn’t had it”

ADULT_LINK 9:36 PM: "i think we should talk about it as well”

Jos 9:36 PM: "I do understand there might be questions but we do want to step on sure ground or at least the safest ground we can”

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "we’ll have to retrieve it”

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "ok, well”

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "if we’re gonna dicuss it”

ADULT_LINK 9:36 PM: "i’m not opposed to the idea, but i’d like to hear more before i go in blindly “

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "we need to know what the risks are”

otherLiam 9:36 PM: "Is Moonman really worth delaying stopping Nocta AND losing Helper’s Hat forever?”

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "and why ghostbabel here wants the hat”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:36 PM: "sʟᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜʀ 'ʀᴏʟʟ’, ɪ ᴀᴍ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ᴛᴏ ᴅɪsᴄᴜss ᴛʜɪs ᴀ ʙɪᴛ ꜰᴜʀᴛʜᴇʀ.”

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "alright,”

ARGdov 9:36 PM: "well, an answer to both of my questons would be a good start”

otherLiam 9:37 PM: "Agreed.” 

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:37 PM: "ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ ɪs ɴᴏᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏꜰ ʀᴇᴀᴄʜ, ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴏᴛʜ ʙᴇɴᴇꜰɪᴛ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ɪᴛs’ ʀᴇᴛʀɪᴇᴠᴀʟ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪs ɪɴsᴛᴀɴᴄᴇ,  ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘᴇʀʜᴀᴘs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴇ ᴏᴜʀ ꜰɪʀsᴛ sᴛᴇᴘ. “

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:37 PM: "ɪᴛ’s sɪᴍᴘʟᴇ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ, ɪ ᴛʀᴀᴄᴋ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ, ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ, ɢɪᴠᴇ ɪᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ, ɪ ʜᴇʟᴘ ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ.”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:37 PM: "ᴛʜᴇ ʀɪsᴋ ɪs ᴏʙᴠɪᴏᴜs, ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴇᴍʏ ᴄᴏɴᴛɪɴᴜᴇs ᴛᴏ ᴍᴏᴠᴇ.”

ARGdov 9:38 PM: "right”

Slinky stinks 9:38 PM: "And he moves faster”

Slinky stinks 9:38 PM: "Remember”

ARGdov 9:38 PM: "but it wont be impossible to stop them, right?”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:38 PM: "ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪs ɪᴍᴘᴏssɪʙʟᴇ.”

ARGdov 9:39 PM: ”…not really the answer I was looking for but ok”

ARGdov 9:39 PM: “Im willing to agree to this”

ARGdov 9:39 PM: "especially since it sounds like having the hat may be of use”

ADULT_LINK 9:39 PM: "so this is a thing of, as soon as we get the hat we give it to you”

ARGdov 9:39 PM: "it sounds like he’ll retrieve it for us”

ARGdov 9:39 PM: "and then give it to us”

otherLiam 9:39 PM: "Actually, this might be less bad than I thought. GB, given that you’re in an alternate timeline, isn’t there a Helper’s Hat in your timeline as well?”

ARGdov 9:39 PM: "and then we give it back to him”

Slinky stinks 9:39 PM: "Oh…” 

ADULT_LINK 9:40 PM: "ooh there could be 2 hats maybe”

Slinky stinks 9:40 PM: "But wasn’t the other timeline helper GB? I think I’m lost”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:40 PM: "ɪ ᴄᴀɴɴᴏᴛ sɪᴍᴘʟʏ ʀᴇᴛʀɪᴇᴠᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴏɴ ᴍʏ ᴘʟᴀɴᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴇxɪsᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ; ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ, sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ʜᴀs ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ.”

ADULT_LINK 9:40 PM: "then we could get GB a hat, but still have one avaliable to us (possibly) in the future, right?”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:40 PM: "ɪꜰ ɪᴛ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ sɪᴍᴘʟᴇ ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ TAKEN ɪᴛ.”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "wait”

ADULT_LINK 9:41 PM: "do you know who has the hat in your world?”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "so GB cant take it from his”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "so no”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "we’d be giving it to him”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "permanently”

ADULT_LINK 9:41 PM: "yeah, but this wouldnt neccicarrily be the last time we’re able to get a hat”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:41 PM: ”@ADULT_LINK  ᴛʜᴇ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪs sᴏ ᴏʙᴠɪᴏᴜs ɪ'ᴍ ᴀʙsᴏʟᴜᴛᴇʟʏ ɢɪᴅᴅʏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ sᴇᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ’s ʀɪɢʜᴛ ɪɴ ꜰʀᴏɴᴛ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜ.”

Slinky stinks 9:41 PM: “Ok, but who exactly has it”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "but also I want to point out that were discussing wether a random trinket we havent used in YEARS is worth more than this persons life”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: "thats another good question, whos got it”

ARGdov 9:41 PM: ”(IA, is my guess)”

ADULT_LINK 9:42 PM: “i have poor eyesight, not being able to see things infront of me is not uncommon”

ADULT_LINK 9:42 PM: "yeah, ia likely has it”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:42 PM: ”@ARGdov  ᴄᴏɴɢʀᴀᴛᴜʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴs, ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀʟʟ sᴛᴜᴍʙʟᴇᴅ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍʏsᴛᴇʀʏ ꜰᴏʀ ꜰᴀʀ ᴛᴏᴏ ʟᴏɴɢ.”

Slinky stinks 9:42 PM: “Wait”

ADULT_LINK 9:42 PM: "ooh, going back to my earlier question”

ARGdov 9:42 PM: "mazel tov, random guesing is useful”

Slinky stinks 9:42 PM: "So IA has it?”

ARGdov 9:42 PM: "especially since it can only be like”

ARGdov 9:42 PM: "5 people”

ARGdov 9:42 PM: "since we dont know that many peopel from your timelien”

ADULT_LINK 9:42 PM: "do you think IA would recognise my name on AO as being his dead freind?”

ARGdov 9:43 PM: "it seems that he does”

ADULT_LINK 9:43 PM: "if not maybe we could try to befreind him and get the hat”

ARGdov 9:43 PM: "look, Im gonna be blunt here”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:43 PM: "ʜᴇ ɪs ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴀᴡᴀʀᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀs ɪᴛ ɪs.”

ARGdov 9:43 PM: "giving GB the hat probably wont be much of a loss to us”

Slinky stinks 9:43 PM: "Hmmm”

ADULT_LINK 9:43 PM: "thats fair”

ARGdov 9:43 PM: "someone as dangerous as him having it makes me wary but”

Slinky stinks 9:43 PM: "Yeah the we can give away the hat”

ARGdov 9:43 PM: "its that vs someone we know dying”

ADULT_LINK 9:43 PM: "man i wish i’d been able to stay hidden in who i was a bit longer :/” 

ARGdov 9:43 PM: “and dying because we may have put him in danger by talking to him”

ARGdov 9:43 PM: “I say we go for it.”

ADULT_LINK 9:45 PM: "i’m game i suppose”

ARGdov 9:45 PM: "so that makes three of us”

ADULT_LINK 9:45 PM: "i hope we’ll be able to get a different version of the hat in the future but”

ARGdov 9:45 PM: ”@otherLiam @Wolfcat what do you think?”

Wolfcat 9:46 PM: “go for it”

otherLiam 9:47 PM: "I’m concerned about the baddies having more time to prepare and act. It’s likely we’ll lose someone else in trying to save Moonman. That being said, I think it’s worth.”

ADULT_LINK 9:47 PM: "should we discuss this in ID a bit, get people who arent in here’s votes?”

ARGdov 9:47 PM: "sounds good yeah”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:48 PM: "ᴀ ʙɪɴᴅɪɴɢ ᴀɢʀᴇᴇᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴛʜᴇɴ.”

ARGdov 9:49 PM: "we’re still discussing it”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:50 PM: "ɪ sᴇᴇ. ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ, ɪ sᴜᴘᴘᴏsᴇ…”

otherLiam 9:51 PM: "How pressing is Moonman’s situation?”

otherLiam 9:51 PM: "If we waited until after you enact your endgame, would we still be able to help him?”

ARGdov 9:51 PM: "doubtfully”

Jos 9:52 PM: "I might look as a bad person but i wont save moonman”

Slinky stinks 9:52 PM: "I think moonmans situation atm is pretty bad”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:53 PM: "ʟɪᴀᴍ, ɪᴛ ɪs ᴜɴʟɪᴋᴇʟʏ.”

otherLiam 9:54 PM: "I figured, but thought it worth asking.”

Jos 9:54 PM: “If he is not the traitor, he wanted nocta cult to end, going agaisnt his objective delaying and bringing him to life again, will mean the work he has done would go to waste”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:54 PM: "ᴛʀᴜᴛʜꜰᴜʟʟʏ ᴏɴᴄᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɪɴ sɪᴛᴇ, ʀᴇꜰᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴀs ᴛʜᴇ 'sᴜʙsᴘᴀᴄᴇ’, ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴡɪʟʟ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ᴅʀᴀᴍᴀᴛɪᴄᴀʟʟʏ.”

Slinky stinks 9:54 PM: "And to enter the subspace”

Slinky stinks 9:54 PM: "You need to do your endgame plan”

Slinky stinks 9:54 PM: "Right?”

otherLiam 9:55 PM: "And we’d be delaying that by helping Moonman.”

otherLiam 9:55 PM: "That’s our situation, yes.”

Slinky stinks 9:55 PM: "Hmm”

otherLiam 9:55 PM: "That’s why I’m still somewhat on the fence.”

ADULT_LINK 9:55 PM: "hey, speaking of masks”

otherLiam 9:55 PM: "But it seems like the majority want to save him.”

Slinky stinks 9:55 PM: "Well, if we let moon die, he Might get Patremized”

ADULT_LINK 9:55 PM: "which ones do we have avaliable to us?”

otherLiam 9:56 PM: "I mean… all of them, save the Postman’s Hat, I’d assume.”

Slinky stinks 9:56 PM: "But if we don’t, nocta can do its thing faster”

otherLiam 9:56 PM: "Why do you ask?“

ADULT_LINK 9:56 PM: "just trying to think ahead”

Jos 9:56 PM: "i think nocta wouldn’t go faster if we do things without he noticing”

ADULT_LINK 9:56 PM: "figure if theres any masks we don’t have, might be a good idea to try to get them”

Jos 9:57 PM: "but at the same time, faster means more mistakes”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:57 PM: "ɴᴏᴄᴛᴀ ʜᴀs ʏᴇᴛ ᴛᴏ ɴᴏᴛɪᴄᴇ ᴛʜᴇ sᴜʙᴛʟᴇ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇs ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ᴛᴏ ʜɪs sᴄʀɪᴘᴛs ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴀʀʀɪᴇʀs ᴘʀᴏᴛᴇᴄᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ sᴜʙsᴘᴀᴄᴇ. ɪɴ ꜰᴀᴄᴛ, ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇɢɪɴɴɪɴɢ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜɪs ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴇʏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴇ ᴜɴᴇᴀʀᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀ sᴍᴀʟʟ ᴘᴏʀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴀᴛ sᴘᴀᴄᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴏᴜʀ ɴᴇᴇᴅs. ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴏꜰ ᴄᴏᴜʀsᴇ ɢɪᴠᴇ ʜɪᴍ ᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴛᴏ sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴘᴀɴɪᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ꜰᴜʀᴛʜᴇʀ.”

Slinky stinks 9:58 PM: "Nocta is pretty paranoid and stressed at he seems”

Slinky stinks 9:58 PM: "So a little bit more of that would make him more dangerous”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 9:59 PM: "ɪᴛ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴜɴʟɪᴋᴇʟʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀᴄᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴘᴏᴡᴇʀ ᴜsᴀɢᴇ ɪs ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴄᴀᴜsᴇᴅ ʜɪᴍ ᴛᴏ 'ʙᴀɴ’ ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀsᴛ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. ʙᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴛᴡᴏ ᴀʟʟɪᴇs— ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ ᴀɴᴅ 'ʏᴜᴜᴋɪ'”

Jos 9:59 PM: "step by step, then hope panic can make him do errors, for much he wants to control his site like a perfect machine, he is still human and humans hates nerves”

Slinky stinks 10:00 PM: "What’s up with Yugi tho”

Slinky stinks 10:00 PM: "I just remembered”

ADULT_LINK 10:00 PM: "yknow i think it’d be really helpful if we could see our inventory lmao”

Slinky stinks 10:01 PM: "I think we have everything but the helpers hat tbh”

ADULT_LINK 10:01 PM: "keyword is think there”

Slinky stinks 10:02 PM: "Yeah…”

Slinky stinks 10:02 PM: "We should ask someone”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 10:03 PM: "ɪᴛ sᴇᴇᴍs ᴍʏ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ʜᴀs ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴛ sʜᴏʀᴛ, ɪ ᴍᴜsᴛ ᴀᴅɪᴇᴜ. ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ʀᴇᴛᴜʀɴ ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀɴ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴇ. ɪ sɪɴᴄᴇʀᴇʟʏ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇsᴛ ᴄʜᴏɪᴄᴇ.”

otherLiam 10:04 PM: "Take care.”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 10:04 PM: "ɪ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ᴅᴏ.”

Jos 10:04 PM: “Do it twice”

Jos 10:04 PM: "or trice”

otherLiam 10:08 PM: "There’s no need to wait for his return to decide. He could come back to us already having the hat, if we want.”

Mr t series good 10:08 PM: "Ok”

Slinky stinks 10:09 PM: "So we need to help him to retrieve the hat”

ADULT_LINK 10:09 PM: “"ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ ɪs ɴᴏᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏꜰ ʀᴇᴀᴄʜ, ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴏᴛʜ ʙᴇɴᴇꜰɪᴛ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ɪᴛs’ ʀᴇᴛʀɪᴇᴠᴀʟ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪs ɪɴsᴛᴀɴᴄᴇ,  ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘᴇʀʜᴀᴘs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴇ ᴏᴜʀ ꜰɪʀsᴛ sᴛᴇᴘ.””

ADULT_LINK 10:09 PM: "”ɪᴛ’s sɪᴍᴘʟᴇ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ, ɪ ᴛʀᴀᴄᴋ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ, ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀᴛ, ɢɪᴠᴇ ɪᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ, ɪ ʜᴇʟᴘ ᴍᴏᴏɴᴍᴀɴ. ᴛʜᴇ ʀɪsᴋ ɪs ᴏʙᴠɪᴏᴜs, ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴇᴍʏ ᴄᴏɴᴛɪɴᴜᴇs ᴛᴏ ᴍᴏᴠᴇ."”

Slinky stinks 10:09 PM: "Or to retrieve the hat for him”

ADULT_LINK 10:09 PM: "he said that IA had a hat”

ADULT_LINK 10:09 PM: "but i dont think that was the hat he wanted us to get”

ARGdov 10:09 PM: "its not”

ARGdov 10:09 PM: "I gtg but”

ARGdov 10:09 PM: "I think we should go for it”

ADULT_LINK 10:10 PM: "so we still need him to tell who has the hat/where it is”

ARGdov 10:10 PM: "also uh”

ARGdov 10:10 PM: "moonman may end up reading all this”

ARGdov 10:10 PM: "if we save him”

ARGdov 10:10 PM: "which I hope we do”

ADULT_LINK 10:10 PM: "also: vote to call our timeline Beta and theirs Alpha, so we can easily distinguish whats from what”

Slinky stinks 10:10 PM: "Ah yes”

Slinky stinks 10:10 PM: "I saw what you did there”

ADULT_LINK 10:11 PM: "or we could go futurama route and go 1 and A”

Slinky stinks 10:11 PM: "I like the beta and alpha better”

Slinky stinks 10:11 PM: "So, fast recap in JID”

otherLiam 10:13 PM: "Vote Now! [yeah boiii] [naw dawg]”

otherLiam 10:13 PM: "Democracy.”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 11:56 PM: "ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀɴ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀ?”

ADULT_LINK 11:56 PM: "yea, looks like more people support it than don't”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 11:57 PM: "ɢᴏᴏᴅ.”

Mr t series good 11:58 PM: "nice pfp ghost”

ɢʜᴏsᴛʙᴀʙᴇʟ 11:59 PM: "ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴇxᴘʟᴀɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴄᴇss: ᴀs sᴏᴏɴ ᴀs ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴀʙʟᴇ, ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɪɴ sɪᴛᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴀsᴛʀᴀʟ ᴏʙsᴇʀᴠᴀᴛᴏʀʏ. ᴅᴜʀɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍᴇ. ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ǫᴜᴇᴜᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ. ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇsᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ.”

[fellspringrp]

i think the sad thing im deliberately not exploring with my muse icarus is that its ultimately his destiny to burn up burn out and whats left drowns.

he pushes and pushes and pushes with no care of self doing things mainly because he can but finds nothing but temporary satisfaction in everything.

thats the real reason the resets stop after a certain point on the surface.

he's unwilling to lose all the things he has but having it might as well be ash in his mouth.

he brought back people he shouldn't have been able to bring back but can't reach people who died before his time.

and even if he could it wouldnt give his life any more meaning.

he's not a kid any more and yet in a more real way he never grew up

the determination in this line IS poisonous. there's no satisfaction to it. no end point. but it also doesnt ask for anything. it reacts but otherwise is just a constant itch of dissatisfaction.

and thats largely because of icarus as the determination mage.

honestly without a full reset - of which he refuses to do - there's a good chance he'll die permanently and idk what the backlash of that will be - unless there's still enough of him left to cling to life which WILL innicate a full reset. and that'll be bad for a bunch of people for a bunch of reasons.

to stave off boredom and apathy hes been learninf magic that... doesnt come natural to him. which. costs.

bone magic? he's robbing himself of bone density. fire magic? risking hypothermia and frostbite near constantly. healing magic all he can do is take the wound for himself which - he's pretty use to suffering and if he dies it triggers a reset. nbd.

nothings a big deal.

WHICH brings me to Nike and... a part interaction i didn't finish writing.

Nike is actually in a way stronger than Icarus. Where Icarus went through every run terrified and dying and getting to the point where he was angry and then when thr anger was gone there was nothing left...

Nikes still on her first run. she's not power of time "what if things could be different, i want to know what happens" like icarus. her determination expresses itself in the form of breaking barriers.

literally in the case of the barrier. Icarus had the power to walk through the barrier because nothing effects him. Nikes will is such that she just tore it down.

Zelus (her asriel) fell down into the mountain and nike made friends and hid him and thought "well maybe because hes a monster he can get out" helped him transverse the underground to the barrier and then - he couldn't get out. snd she cried and pounded the barrier eith her tiny child fists and it shook splitterned and shattered

the king and queen adopted her but honestly? they figured she was like... a pet. zelus would grow bored and she could be his first kill to graduate out of stripes. only... that hasnt happened yet.

the kings grown attached meanwhile the queen encourages reckless hobbies in the hopes of an accident. zelus knows and chara... still has hope even though he doesnt.

all this bringing us to when icarus manged to go to another dimension via - the interdenominational bus (fell springs is now on the route woot).

he sees a shiny new timeline and hes full of determination - a determination that connects everything it touches like a virus. he sees nike - chara - and knows her for a determination mage like him and seeks to make this all his instinctively. wanting to gain new life amd interest vitality in the new line.

he shakes his hand - his determination goes out to take over the line challenging hers... and hers swats it away like a misbehaving child.

this teen is more real then icarus who's become something hollow.

he gives up on timeline hopping like a child sent to his room.

but... icarus' fate is predestined in a way because of who he is and the name is appropo

but... nike and zelus' fates yet to come and i can only see it... building in a certain way. like. right now is the childhood. the calm with clouds building in the distance.

chara and asriel's story has never been a happy one. a Swapfell, however relatively mild, is only going to... make that more... apparent.

its like... a train wreck you can see coming but youre unable to figure out a way to prevent it and theres no telling what the survivors will be like.

so like. idk. just. things im trying very hard to ignore still... matter.

[sleeplesssecrets]

today is the fifth anniversary of my miscarriage. my middle school math teacher’s daughter just had a baby today. i dont feel anything. i never truly did unless someone else does. the day it happened i didnt express myself at all and i can’t remember what i was thinking exactly, i can just remember how much pain that was. it was nothing compared to full term labor, but at that time it was the most physical pain i had ever experienced in my life. the top three most insufferable physical pains i have experienced are labor, a miscarriage, and a disease i have i dont talk about because its not that big of a deal but when it happens it’s completely miserable. the worst emotional pain ive ever felt is hard to pin point because ive never really had a terrible thing happen in my life that affected me so bad emotionally. i guess the worst is having poor self image, which is an eh on the emotional pain scale compared to losing a baby to most people. my mom thinks im more sensitive about my miscarriage than i am. im more sensitive to her emotions. anyways im watching a new show i dont like so far and i hate how poorly they portray people. its just not believable. people dont talk to each other in code or fast and witty jokes all the time. people talk over each other and dont know what to say and dont say everything theyre thinking. i dont always have the right words or perfect story or best possible response. yesterday we were out with tanner’s grandparents and his grandma recently lost her mother. she said that losing her mom is a completely different pain than losing anyone else you love. and i awkwardly smiled nicely and watched her eyes swell with tears and didnt know what to say. i didnt want to say im sorry or that i understand or anything i obviously dont really mean. so i didnt say anything. i dont think im a very relatable person so i really dont know what to say. ive been trying really hard lately to be a patient and active listener and it’s paying off. it has it’s downsides but the best part is the more i listen the less i have to share. people love to talk about things and i have always been envious of people who cared about what other people had to say. people who listen and make eye contact and nod their heads and remember what people tell them. i always thought i was the type of person who didnt feel like i have to give up a part of me to be there for other people and it’s not like that. im not giving a single thing up from myself when i hear what other people have to say. not even my time. my time is relatively less important than having a conversation about anything with anyone. anyways i have one empty notebook on my bookshelf and i hate writing in real life for lots of reasons. the biggest one being anything you write is permanent, even if it was with pencil or whatever. you can burn the sheet of paper you wrote something regrettable down on and it doesn’t take away from the fact that you had to write something down and it was so bad you had to destroy it. ive written about a couple of my insecurities on this blog before and i realized how much they mean to me after i made them real by writing about them and posting it. it made them worse maybe. it doesnt help me to talk about things to myself. although i dont write to help myself, i write because i love to type and sheer boredom. nothing on this entire blog but the insecurities ive written about really explore myself. for my one empty notebook, ive been considering writing a couple major things down in it. and just keeping it on the bookshelf. i have had blatant secrets spelled out easy for anyone to see folded up in notes to my friends scattered on my bedroom floor and no one has ever had the mind to pick them up and read them. i could write about my greatest fears in that notebook and seal them away anticlimactically by shutting the book and putting it back where i had it. it’s the same meaningless notebook, same meaningless spot on my shelf, same meaningless arrangement with all the other same meaningless things i keep near it, just with fears and secrets and shadows and bottled up thoughts inside. i can take away from the realness of written out negative thoughts by storing them next to tanner’s unused bible and my high school graduation cd. but i probably wont do that. my next writing project is a google doc called in the case that i die. tanner gave me one condition about my dating life if he dies. and it made me wonder if i had any conditions for if i die. if i have any certain ways i want things to be after my death if it should happen so soon. i dont think i do but i cant know unless i start writing it haha. of all the things i fear, i dont necessarily fear death. ive come to terms with the end of my life. speaking of fear and death, i really miss roller coasters right now for some reason lmao. when i was little i would ride anything my height limit. if it went upside down, sideways, stopped midair, turned the lights off unexpectedly, or jerked you around i was not afraid. im still not, and i think im more of a thrill seeker than i thought i was. i dont say no to anything that feels dangerous but isn’t, like roller coasters. there is the inherent danger of them breaking, but if i die on a roller coaster i die happy. if i get severely injured on one i might think differently but that hasnt happened so im not going to worry about it. anyways. a question a lot of people have been asking me is what im going to do for my honey moon, and tanners parents are offering to gift us a cruise vacation after we get married, but tanner and i were talking about going next year when we have money again haha. i want to really enjoy it and whatever they say about money not bringing true happiness is stupid. having fun and having money overlap. and having fun and having other people’s money is the same thing ha. also, we have loosely planned a pregnancy... idk we havent talked it out details wise, but i want to have another baby before i never have another baby. my grandma had 5 babies like, 10 or 15 years apart i cant remember. and thats amazing and i low-key want that but also really dont. i think ill have one more baby, then start donating my eggs if im eligible. my mom hates that idea which makes me want to do it more. im a fertile but fragile human and i want to share my fertility with people by donating my pretty, smart lil eggs to people who will love them. women are born with all the eggs they ever will have in their entire life, but not all women have viable eggs and not all couples have uteruses at all. i want to extend the fruits of my womb to humanity. anyways im gonna go