Tumgik
#the fact that i'm doing any mental work at all
thebramblewood · 2 days
Note
this is in a similar vein to an ask you got recently but do you have any tips for those who are interested in sims 4 (or even other games like ts3 and ts2) storytelling? I write fanfiction but I think making sims 4 stories could be a fun venture. Anyway, thank you for your time! I love your stories so very much they're literally my hyperfixation!
Well, that makes two of us because it's literally my hyperfixation. I think I've shared bits of advice before, so some of this might sound familiar, but here are some things I think are important to remember (and I tried to be concise, I swear).
Write the story you want to write. Obviously, it's a great feeling when something takes off and people get invested. But if you pursue an idea only because you think Simblr will like it, you probably won't be inspired for long and it'll probably show. I've been very lucky with my story, but it didn't blow up overnight. Early on, I was thrilled to get double digit notes or one reblog or comment and was admittedly disappointed when I put a lot of effort into something and nobody seemed to notice. But I kept going because I was obsessed and wanted to see it through, and that's more true now than ever.
Start with low stakes and allow yourself to evolve. Before I was on Simblr, I made Sims stories with no poses or visual enhancements or fancy editing. I wrote them for myself, and I loved every minute of it, but they also gave me a solid foundation for the kind of storytelling I do now. Even after starting this blog, I eased myself into it. I learned how to use poses and Reshade, then moved on to more advanced editing techniques, then moved on to teaching myself to make poses and very basic CC. If you try to learn it all at once, you're more likely to give up because you're overwhelmed. Take your time and make peace with the fact that perfection isn't possible. Everyone's always learning!
Take advantage of the fact that Sims is a game. Even though I've been a creative writer for most of my life, I don't come up with fully-fleshed, elaborate Sims stories from scratch. It started off with my legacy and not wanting every generation to feel the same. I thought about gameplay I hadn't experienced yet and centered each generation's story around that. Even with HZID, I just wanted to make and play with vampires! That's it! Initially, I used a lot of gameplay to convey Helena's college experiences, and I still try to incorporate it when I can. It can really be a great base to spark your creativity if you don't know where to start.
Don't have a life outside your story. I'm joking. Kind of. I'm not a very social person and I don't like leaving my house if I don't have to. This leaves me with a lot of time for working on story things. Honestly, I could probably stand to work on it less. But for better or worse, I'm doing story-related things most nights and weekends, and even if I'm not doing anything, I'm thinking about it. It's probably mental illness, but we'll just call it passion. At the same time, it's also important to take breaks! If you're feeling burnt out, step away for a while. If you can't make yourself step away completely (raises hand), just edit the script or spin your blorbos around in CAS or something rather than going straight for posing a scene.
Follow and interact with other storytellers. This is probably the most important thing, and as someone who struggles with social anxiety it was the hardest for me to do. But I try to make a point of keeping up with other stories, commenting, and reblogging. Not only will the amazing talent of other writers inspire you, but you're building meaningful connections that make them more likely to want to interact with your story. There's no denying it feels amazing to watch your audience grow. But no one's going to see you if you don't make an effort to be seen, as scary as it can be. So try to be active in the community and support other storytellers the way you want to be supported!
39 notes · View notes
adimouze · 24 hours
Note
In your opinion is this it? It’s definitely over? I want to be positive because the complete silence around Checo doesn’t sit right with me, but seeing Daniel like that reminds me a little bit of 2022, even if I think he knows what his future will look like. Now we have Ted and The Race “backing up” Danny and I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad sign. Red Bull literally fucked everything up
I don't think Ted/The Race backing Daniel up means anything, they would happily shit on his corpse again if it means more engagement I just think they were either 1) told or 2) realized that Daniel's stats aren't shit, in fact he's almost equal to Yuki in race results, and that pushing forward with an "out by COTA" narrative would look bad if Daniel isn't actually out by COTA. So if they start putting out softer statements like this they can say "oh well WE never believed the rumours!"
And honestly nonny, I can't begin to predict what RBR is doing so if they go insane and get rid of him by COTA nothing i say now would matter. BUT I do work in corporate law and (while i did have a mental breakdown over the rumours an hour ago) I don't personally think they can easily get rid of Daniel like that. Mainly because --
Idk if VISA is daniel's personal sponsor per se but they seem to have adopted him as a brand ambassador for the VCARB project. They probably would have clauses that require Daniel's presence at sponsor events and marketing. These are all guesses and idk if it's true for Daniel but usually the contracts I work with have these expectations. They would have PAID either VCARB or Daniel himself for his presence at these events. COTA would be one major event they definitely planned other sponsorship events for. Cash App would get a boost and they would need Daniel's face for it. It would incur them losses to have to sacrifice a name like Daniel Ricciardo for the rookie.
I know F1 contracts are apparently the flimsiest in the world, but Bayer did mention Daniel does not have any KPIs or performance clauses. It did backfire on him at Mclaren but I would expect his team to at least have some experience in avoiding this fate? But like, he isn't even racking up costs like Logan and in a dire skewed H2H. Like @danthropologie said, they have upgrades coming up that would need people who have used the previous upgrades and know how they work to properly utilise feedback in.
Also lol. Don't think even RBR itself would allow a midseason dump to Daniel at this stage. Prodigal sons would not be allowed to suffer such an indignity, especially if they want his goodwill back at some point? Yeah they definitely threw him to the wolves this weekend but...I personally don't think they would pull the rug on Daniel like that halfway through a season. They would at least let him tell people first so he/his team/RBR can capitalise.
He's a very good distraction from the Checo of it all right now. Daniel effectively removed the fact that RBR is failing, losing the constructors, Max is at risk of leaving from the news cycle. 2025 is another matter.
So yeah. Based on that, I personally don't think Daniel will get replaced. However I'm only a liddol person and I am biased so a lot of what I just said may be based on how I feel personally it should work out.
I'm worried for Daniel in 2025. But COTA? Not necessarily. Again I don't know shit. But I think a lot of thoughts.
24 notes · View notes
mellifloraa · 2 years
Text
emotional shit under the read more but happy feelings this time lmao
i've been thinking about my relationship to night in the woods for a long time now. i was so excited for months and months to play it once october rolled around, i had told myself for a year straight that i was gonna replay it once fall rolled around, and now that we're midway through october, i don't think i want to anymore? i think that night in the woods will always hold a very special place in my heart; i think i found it at the perfect time and i enjoy lots of aspects about the game itself, i enjoy the art style and the gameplay and the dialogue and the soundtrack oh my god but like. i think at the core of my liking it was the fact that it was one of the only connections i still had to my ex partner. i think i was excited to replay it and find myself in that world again for two reasons: one, because i do genuinely enjoy it, but two, because it would help me feel closer to someone who's not in my life anymore. i spent so long pining and pitying myself and searching for any sort of way to reconnect with them, and now that i've put in the mental work to distance myself from them and realize how shitty our breakup was and what that meant about our "friendship" as a whole... i don't think i want to put in the effort to reengage with a part of my life that, at least for the time being, is still somewhat connected to them. i think i gotta value my time more.
i think that's why i've latched onto to the locked tomb so quickly and so deeply; i've found something else that can help reinvigorate my passion for a piece of media that is in no way associated with anyone from my past. the locked tomb is mine. my fandom, my interaction, my feelings, my experiences. night in the woods is great, but it's still me and vc's thing. i'm finding myself free to express how much i enjoy this piece of literature on my own terms. no strings leading back to people who, in essence, are dead to me.
recontextualizing your relationship to certain media after a breakup is incredibly difficult, and sometimes it never really gets better. i've had to do it a number of times. but now i have something for me. something that i can enjoy by myself. and vc can get their grubby little hands off it.
6 notes · View notes
robinsnest2111 · 5 months
Text
sorry for disappearing. I promised I wouldn't do that again but it's always the thing I fall back on in desperate times. idk how to stop doing that
I'm just so tired and in pain, I wanna lay down and cry and never get back up again
15 notes · View notes
wild-at-mind · 6 months
Text
Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.
#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me#i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu#to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately.#i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked#but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago#so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer#and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones'#who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get#she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is#that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist#i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)#and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because#i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'(#like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy#of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with#i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless#but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it
8 notes · View notes
gender-euphowrya · 2 months
Text
my therapist telling me i'm his point of reference when he deals with other trans patients
Tumblr media
#👉👈 it's an honor m'lord#i mean that + the fact that i make sure to always feed him the Most open-minded takes i can incorporate in conversation#like just today he was like ''i wanted to ask you about this i saw there were women growing beards and deciding to keep them''#and i was like. yeah that's a thing ! good for them ! if they're happy that way it's all good !#and he was like ''isn't it kinda weird though like they're really feminine but they have a beard which is usually masculine?''#and i was like hmm! not really ! it's just not something we're used to seeing so it can seem odd at first but it's harmless!#and he went Yeah you're right maybe it just seemed weird to me because it's unusual#and i like mentally went 😎🤏 got'em. teaching this guy to be okay with other people one topic at a timeeeee#in any case it's just. really cool to know that like... i'm indirectly helping other trans folks ?#at the same time i want to make sure he understands that My personal experience with being trans isn't universal#it's not ''This is how you trans'' like. what's working for me rn may not work for someone else and it's fine#so i always make sure to throw in little reminders that every trans person will want different things for themselves#some will need medical transitions some Won't some will need ''all'' surgeries some Won't some will need them done quickly some Won't#some will feel This way about their egg selves some will feel That way about their egg selves etc#simultaneously Yes please do use your experience working with me to work with other trans people#but No please don't think they are all going to be like me or should do things the way i did them
4 notes · View notes
aftermathing · 3 months
Text
.
#Howwwww is it 5am already I want to go home#I begged my parents and sibling to let me go home to my own bed and they wouldn't let me#I don't want to be the solution to our family problems I want to go be alone and not here#I understand me being around more would make our parents nicer and give my siblings someome sane to talk to#But I want to die and I don't want to be here and I don't care about any of these people#Once again them forcing me to go to their house made me miss an assignment. So that class is genuinely failed now.#It makes me so frustrated I could cry. Every time I say I'm doing school work#Or say I can't drop everything and drive forty minutes to their house. they laugh at me#They genuinely laugh and say I'm such a liar and I'm faking and there's no way I ever do any school work#I'm actually shaking I'm so frustrated they don't understand. That's how long it takes me.#Why can't they just realize I'm a dumbass fucking idiot. I'm so fucking stupid#I'm literally so stupid. Intellectually I'm a fucking idiot and I am so useless and slow.#Stop trying to believe I have potential to fucking waste#The fact is there is no potential but I'm fucking wasting anyway#I'm so. Dumb. When I say I'm doing school work I mean I looked at the tab and got nervous about how overdue#everything is and how I'm failing and everyone wants me to leave my safety for their own inane bullshit#I wouldn't be failing this class at all if I had been able to complete the first week on time#instead of like. sitting outside a convention center alone and in agony for Five (5) hours.#Kudos to the devil for creating the exact perfect circumstances to kill me in particular#I should reach out and go to a friend's house and it would be good for me. But.#There's no way I'm going to see or speak to anyone in this state of everything#Everyone else around me seems to have improved in mental health I'm not going to ruin that by making them let me come over#No one really believes any of the problems I have like even I don't. how are you that stupid. just stop having these problems.#I can't go to a friend's house when I have problems like this. Last time I had a breakdown and scared the fucking host and#their partner had to be the one to comfort me because I was crying too loud for autistic ears :(#I can't do that to anyone again#I'm not kidding when I say I'm a huge burden genuinely I exist to be upsetting and inconvenient and frustrating#I am literally the most selfish person to ever have existed. Just objectively. I don't care about anyone or anything at all.#I don't love my friends or my family and I don't care about what they want or need. truthfully.#I just want to sit in my tiny room where nothing changes and no one expects me to drive anywhere holy fucking shit it's 6am
2 notes · View notes
heartshattering · 4 months
Text
Well, I managed to make it through the night. Even with all the physical pain, anxiety, catastrophizing, obsessive thoughts, panicking, sobbing, etc. I still fell asleep eventually (and without having to take more of my sleep aid than what I've been taking for the past 2 weeks). Pain is actually a little bit better today but not completely gone.
I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for June 13 but still have to make an appointment with the gastroenterologist and with the lab to test me for stomach bacteria again. I'm trying my best but this is so exhausting and there's no guarantee I'll even have any answers by the end of all this. I just wish this was all a nightmare I could wake up from and finally be okay.
2 notes · View notes
the-casbah-way · 7 months
Text
very impossible to find the balance between "i want my friends to be able to talk to me about their problems and tell me when they're struggling" and "i am extremely emotionally fragile at the moment because i'm doing very badly and talking about very heavy topics especially with no warning is not something i feel capable of dealing with right now because i'm on the verge of a violent mental breakdown"
#i guess i need to find a way of telling people that i'm in that headspace in the first place#because i probably seem completely fine#but i can't tell people those things unless they explicitly invite me to do so first#so i'm assuming everyone just looks at me and goes yeah you seem fine so i can unload all this heavy stuff on you and you'll be able to cop#but unfortunately. i cannot and i feel guilty about it#but i already have way more bad days than good and when i have to hear people talking about like#very intense personal trauma and suicide and shit#it throws me off for the rest of the day and i go nonverbal until i can go straight home and sob until i fall asleep#and that is not an exaggeration it keeps happening to me with multiple different people#i don't want anyone to feel like they have to pretend around me in any way#but i also don't know how to cope with hearing intense things like this when i'm on a knife's edge mentally all the time#and i cannot afford to keep cutting my days so much shorter when i should be working#and also like when people DO talk to me about these things it's like#it's good they can get it off their chest#but now i'm holding onto all of the stuff they've just told me as well as the stuff i was already secretly holding onto about my own life#and now i have to go home alone with nowhere to put any of it because i don't have anyone to talk to#i've had people tell me this is therapeutic to talk about this stuff#but it's not for me because i'm not talking i'm just listening and then being overwhelmed and triggered and upset about it all#and most of it probably boils down to the fact that i cannot express my own feelings or tell people my boundaries#in situations this sensitive because it's so like. precarious and awkward#but i'm like i can't deal with it all the time it's too much
5 notes · View notes
croakings · 2 years
Text
SO. sorry this is going to be deranged i'm not proofreading this
so i've been writing a lot recently, and this particular project involves a language and culture i'm making up. and it's got me thinking about language, and communication, and lying.
and this is probably a very autistic realization, but it's hit me that usually when people lie, what they are trying to convey— and like, we're ignoring the ethics of it, this post is devoid of judgement one way or another, i'm just examining this thought— is a request for an emotional response from someone that the truth is less or unlikely to get across as effectively or as easily.
like, normal example, totally excusable: "my wife is in the hospital," when it's your girlfriend in the hospital. factually untrue! but what one wants people to hear is "someone i love and want to spend the rest of my life with is in dire straits and therefore so am i, please excuse anything in my behavior that may be caused by this," essentially. or like you can swap wife/girlfriend with sibling/best friend or aunt/neighbor or whatever. what you're trying to get across is the magnitude of the relationship rather than communicating the nature of the relationship itself.
we have words for that! like, yes, it's lying to use the wrong words, technically, to "trick" someone into understanding how close whatever given person is to you, and how much their condition is affecting you, but! also, i do have to say, in that particular instance i do have to say that, the primary goal of language being communication...... it's interesting! the facts are untrue. but the gravity of the circumstance was conveyed clearly with intention, which is to say, the emotional impact was increased by sacrificing literal clarity. this is basically what hyperbole does!!!!
most lying does that, doesn't it? most lies that i can think of are in some way in service to emotion above like, anything else. someone wanting to spare themselves someone else's emotion ("i'm fine", "i didn't do that", "i don't want this, you take it") and this is....... in a way, strictly speaking, effective communication. it's. hm.
like, for the record, i'm not pro-lying, and also, to reiterate, it's also ineffective communication, because it's factually untrue, which means again that however much an aim was achieved or a meaning conveyed you do it at the expense of one whole half of the venture. but it's interesting, isn't it? how much lying is usually angling for a specific impact, or to gain some form of ease and/or expediency.
i feel like i'm probably getting this across poorly which is also like, really funny, but what prompted this is like......... language is an imperfect tool! we know this. speaking (or whatever) is always an act of translation, and in translation something is always lost. like, even if that thing is only time. one is never able to express anything exactly as quickly as the original; thoughts take time to parcel up and deliver, or come out poorly if not mangled if at all recognizably. when going from one literal language to another, you have to decide whether you want to be more accurate literally, in impact, or in delivery, so respectively and with the simplest example you have to decide if when you translate an idiom you do so verbatim, or with an equivalent, and then whether or not you explain your choice and/or its value. because like, in an unattainable "perfect" translation, you could communicate both the meaning and the trappings of its delivery seamlessly and simply in about the same space as it was originally given more or less immediately. instead, because we can't do that, you can sacrifice to some degree either the original words, their original impact, or the original delivery, by again respectively changing the words altogether, losing the impact (generally also altogether), or losing the directness/straight forward nature of the communication by inserting an info blurb. and of course any kind of translation needs some extra degree of time, even just in its delivery. you lose things! you have to decide which things are most valuable to you to allow you to be "truest". like, which part of any given sentence is most important ? it varies, right? and sometimes one can effect another, like, what if brevity is important to the impact? or conversely, what if something specific has to be communicated in a long-winded and round-about way to have the same impact, but it's tricky to manage doing so without losing the clarity? what do you sacrifice? the meaning, the impact, or the delivery? does that make sense? and you're probably always going to lose time.
so, lying!!!!! it's sacrificing meaning for the other two, is what i was trying to say earlier. it's an imperfect translation!!!!! in one sense!!! but it is a translation!!!!! isn't that interesting?? actually no, sorry, most ethically speaking it's 2 sacrifices; meaning and delivery. like, as i kept saying, the facts are untrue (meaning), and at some point for the sake of clarity it'll be necessary to be like "oh no, sorry, actually it was [the factual truth], i just said [x] because [some form of expected expediency/ease], [explanation of that choice]." (<- delivery.) but y’know with lying with ill intentions you do get to skip that part, and in that case the lack of correcting by revisiting/extending the delivery is part of the communication, whereby you are implicitly saying something like "fuck you, also". or possibly "fuck me," idk, lying can contain multitudes. which!!!!!!!! isn't that interesting??? talking!!!!!!!!!!!! communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how and why and in what ways we say things........... the choices we make and the reasons we make those choices....... the sacrifices that are and are not acceptable to make, and in which contexts, in order to come across as you intend to...........
idk i'm just turning this around like a shiny rock in my hands. like, also, i do know that lying is done with the intent to deceive, and also that lying (derogatory) is done maliciously, with either the intent to harm or at least a lack of intent of care, but. hm. isn't it interesting, what you can learn when you look at how people lie, and how those things can change based on why you think they were lying? they still communicated effectively!!!!!!! they did it on purpose!!!!!!!!!!!!! they made those choices for a reason. that still..... tells something!!!!
even imperfect communication can, in its flaws, tell us something!!!!!!!! does someone sacrifice time, meaning, impact, delivery? why? in what contexts? with intent? for what purpose? isn't it interesting????????????????
#*#chatter#specifically what i've been working on is ftmob is why this happened#and something ehir does a lot (both as someone whose first language no one else speaks and as someone who wants to say as little as possibl#at any given time) is he just. arbitrarily uses words he understands to be taken as the vague equivalnces of what he means instead of#entirely accurately conveying what he wants to say. which. not........ that is not lying!#it's sacrificing clarity and muddying impact for the sake of time and delivery‚ which is definitely not lying. but it does mean that a not#insignificant portion of what he says isn't like............... true. lmao. and he does know that!!#which. just to say. it got me thinking about lying isn't like. JUST saying things that aren't true. bc we say untrue things all the time‚#for impact‚ usually‚ but also usually in those cases again you still don't lose Clarity (generally)#but lack of clarity is also not lying. like. strictly. lying is for IMPACT. usually. or sometimes Lack of impact#people say things that aren't true all the time for various reasons. and those reasons...... are interesting!! aren't they?#and isn't lying interesting???? ftmob isn't the kind of fantasy that has fairies but IF IT WERE#what is the ESSENTIAL component that a makes a fairy-lie untellable?#it is NOT the intent to deceive. universally it's accepted that fairies Can very much trick you. on purpose!#they're free to mess with impact. they can even very deliberately fuck with clarity‚ tbh‚ except in the very strictest of senses#ALL they have to say is something that (they think) is FACTUALLY true. and like. why???#ik another fact of fairies is they don't have a soul (whatever that means if anything) and often this is depicted also as having the#consequence that they lack imagination or the ability to (independently) create‚ so..... what does that mean for COMMUNICATION?#language is complicated!!!!!!! doing the kinds of mental contortions that let you convey something untrue while only technically speaking#factually is NOT simple. that's like. an art‚ in a way! using what's there to makes someone see what isn't!!! why can they do that??#they're allowed an imperfect translation. again‚ artfully and intentionally imperfect‚ even!!#they've gotta have fucked up brains in there that's all i'm sayin. that they can have imagination enough for the Product but not its Parts.#that's interesting!!!!!!!!!!! i don't think i've ever seen anyone quite make a point of/with that.#that's a tangeant for another day tbh#ig i'll also slap this w#ftmob#anyway#just rambling. i love writing. i love language. i love people. i love how people CHOOSE things............#i love making those choices........ communication is so interesting. that's all send tweet.
3 notes · View notes
willowfey · 2 years
Text
.
#i am not doing well girlies#disclaimers that i am fine i'm always fine i will always be fine but hooo boy i do not feel fine lol#everything is always overwhelming i am always sad  everything feels itchy#every single morning for weeks ive woken up with an anxiety bellyache and no matter how tired i am still i just have to get up#everyone i look up that i used to know is like. married and having babies or working their dream jobs and i just. im happy for them. i am#but where do i belong in all of this?#i know everything feels worse lately bc we're moving house and the routine changes and empty rooms feel Bad#plus my mom has not been doing well mentally which i feed off so it's just. you know#but will i ever Not feel like im so far behind? will i ever Not be deeply unsettled by even the mildest changes?#everything is so slow and so fast at the same time and it makes my head spin and we have a new friend who has a son my age and i was hoping#idk. that he'd be somewhat similar to me? falling behind a little bit too? maybe i could make a friend irl that understood a little?#but then i casually ask about him and oh no ofc he has a partner and family of his own etc etc#right. that's what i'm supposed to be doing at this age.ha#so many ppl i went to school with are married now. im turning the age this year that my mother was when she HAD me#meanwhile ive never even kissed anyone never even held a boy's hand never had any attention like that ever and#i wonder so often what it's like to be wanted by someone but ive never felt more undesirable#i cant imagine anyone looking at me and Wanting me. and at this point as romance obsessed as i am idk if i could even handle it#and the other night i was having anxiety dreams over the fact that i rly want kids but even waiting until im 30 thats only 5 years??#and 30 is already fucking five years away from being considered a GERIATRIC pregnancy?? but im not even done being a kid myself!!!!#and also who the fuck is gonna have a kid with me?? and who knows if i can even get pregnant when i rarely have a period ??#and i cant imagine not liiving with my mom and sister but does that mean i'll live with them forever??#will i be 30 35 40 45 still feeling like a kid? or worse.. will i not feel like myself at all?#will i be married to someone i dont love madly simply bc im so terrified to be alone?#or will i hold so tightly to my stories and fantasies that i will be alone bc nothing could ever live up to them?#will it even matter what i want? will anyone ever want me to even give me the option? or will this all stay hypothetical forever#im just. stressed. and i thought i'd be more by now.
2 notes · View notes
elytrafemme · 2 years
Text
what do i have to do for it to matter. people get medication and people get treatments and people get sympathy and people get explanations and people get diagnoses and people get to check all the boxes. it feels like my brain is physically forcing itself not to be too close to an explanation because at the last moment all symptoms will suddenly go away (i’m going to fucking kill Dahlia actually, because I think she’s the reason this keeps happening to me and even if she isn’t I’m just going to keep going until i find the bastard who is responsible). i go to therapy for five fucking years and nothing ever changes. it took whoever i was before this to fucking die before i could be split into this system and that was the most change we ever went through positively was someone fucking disappearing. 
oh mare you could have bipolar ... if your hypomanic periods were more rhythmic :/ or if the manias were worse lol :/ you could have psychosis but its not that bad :/ schizophrenia but you’re too “functional” you talk too “articulately” you’re never getting “anywhere” :/ you could have BPD but your life would be sooooo much more miserable mare and aren’t you happy :/ you could have CPTSD but you can’t even remember what happened to you can you? :/ 
I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve done EVERYTHING right I have been so much BETTER about recovery than anybody I have met in my entire fucking life and I get nothing for it. I go to every therapy session I do all the positive self talk I try not to be toxic to people I try EVERYTHING more than ANYBODY. and all I get? Nothing. I never get ANYTHING. 
#DON'T REBLOG and yes I fucking KNOW i can turn off the feature thanks for telling me it doesn't work on desktop#I'm not fucking stupid#negative#vent#I am so sick of this i don't CARE if you think I have it better than you i do not give a SHIT about you I don't care about anything! ever!#I have no fucking allies on this earth NOBODY#my ex and best friend fucking LAUGHED at some of my trauma I don't care I don't care anymore#I don't even WANT to be self destructive but maybe I just need to give reasons for people to actually EXPLAIN things to me#i got told I had a grandiosity episode during a session and that shit was like cocaine I need to get that feedback I need to KNOW#that this isn't in my HEAD but NOBODY FOLLOWS UP! NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING!#people wouldn't LOVE me at ALL if I wasn't mentally ill! I know this! I know this for a fact!#NONE of you would like me if I wasn't mentally ill!#because who the fuck do you THINK you like who do you THINK i am#because whoever you THINK i am is wrong and it actually makes me sick to my stomach#when I realize what you must think of me. because you think all these positive things#and it's so superficial there are no WORDS to describe anything on this earth that any of us can USE#language is stupid and contrived and idiotic none of us know who each other are because we can't explain it#it's just stupid fucking adjectives! and stupid fucking words!#and I wish diagnoses were stupid fucking words but excuse me for wanting to know!#you have NO IDEA what i would do just to KNOW#I would rather force every single alter in my system a brutal death or domantation or SOMETHING#if it meant that I could know what's wrong with me#I would kill my best friends just for that#something that other people get for free just by being a little worse than me#I'm not better than you I'm just not you. we're not the same. not on a molecular level#I shouldn't have been born on this stupid fucking earth this was never my home.
4 notes · View notes
katya-goncharov · 4 months
Text
oh my gosh the utter bullshit i've had to put up with from universal credit!!
#i was told before specifically that since i'm a student i can only be expected to work up to 15 hours a week and then since i'm#not entitled to student loans i'm allowed to automatically get benefits without having to find extra work#and it's been that way since january and i've been receiving universal credit since then#but now i've been assigned a new case worker or whatever who is suddenly saying that the rules are different and i have to be earning#at least £890 a month whether i'm a student or not?!! and she keeps insisting those are the rules no matter how many times i say#i've been told differently and have been recieving money based on different rules for months#but of course appointments are all verbal so i don't have any written proof and at this point it feels like borderline gaslighting#idk it's just so stressful and exactly what i don't need and i haven't done anything wrong and i literally DON'T have time to be working#full time and i don't know why they're suddenly insisting it's different now#it's just so much additional stress i really don't need and it's really not doing my mental health any good#also the fact that i'm told i get my benefits cut if i miss an appointment. but THEY were literally nearly 20 minutes late calling#me for my appointment today. i was so scared they'd somehow twist it and accidentally register it that it was my fault i missed it that#i literally took a video of myself with my phone out at the correct time because i thought i might have to prove i was there#i hate it so much and i wouldn't have to put up with any of this if i was just entitled to student loans. but i'm literally not entitled to#any money because the system is stupid#emma vents
0 notes
icedille · 6 months
Text
the wall of not doing things has been absolutely awful lately and i genuinely have no idea why anymore. like i am just stupid why do i feel like i'm being crushed by a mountain every time i try to focus. what is going on lol
0 notes
seat-safety-switch · 5 months
Text
One of the greatest joys in life is using your shitty old car to shut down a legitimately nice car. For any law enforcement folks reading this, I would never endorse street racing. Also, I think I heard someone shoplifting in the other room, and you should go check it out. The best kind of street racing is the street racing the other person doesn't know they're having.
Now, I've had nice cars in the past before. Once, I had a Mercury Cougar XR7 with most of its original paint. Come to think of it, I might still have it somewhere in the backyard. Hard to keep them all apart these days. Anyway, when you drive a nice car, you get this sort of ego boost every time you see a lesser vehicle. How dare you peasants not realize how inferior your base Corollae are? Only a connoisseur can truly appreciate the divine features of this fine automobile.
That kind of mentality is simply not healthy. All of us, each and every one of us, are just a few generations away from being shit-throwing apes. The fact that we managed to make a machine that gets us down the highway quickly is a total miracle, and it's not any more of one because we put a pretty logo on it and charged $20,000 extra to put precision-engineered butt manipulators in the seats. It is this problem that the very fast beater is meant to solve.
When you have a shitbox and that shitbox goes faster than a nice car, whether because of superior driving (not me) or a significant amount of horsepower (not me) or a lack of understanding of your imminent mortality (possibly me) it is a great feeling to shut down those rich folks tooling around in their "good cars." It knocks them down a peg, which keeps them from doing things like going into work and causing another housing crisis. In fact, I'm going to go out and gap some Porsches with an old rusty fire extinguisher filled with nitrous oxide right now. You should come too, so I can get a ride home after the cops bust me for shooting my engine block across four lanes of the highway.
1K notes · View notes
ldrfanatic · 6 months
Text
Italian Theodore Nott Headcanons
So... by popular request (I think like literally one person commented on a post from ages ago) and also because I'm still working on my most recent part to the '13' Series (linked here) here's some Italian Theo headcanons to keep you sated.
sorry if this is inaccurate it's based off of my own knowledge of italians and what I think Theo would be like
slytherin boys masterlist works
Tumblr media
So, unlike most, I don't think that Italian Theo would be a whore. Let me explain:
Sure Italian men like to flirt, (although Theo doesn't), but they do it because it comes so natural to them and because more than anything, they value their partner.
They're well dressed and take pride in their appearance (something Theo does do) but they don't always entertain the people of the heads that they turn
They also have a natural air of confidence that Theo has and doesn't even have to use
However, just because Theo isn't a whore doesn't mean that he doesn't have his own little clique of fangirls.
In general:
As a person, Theo is incredibly quiet. His English is not the best as he grew up in the Italian countryside and spends his breaks there. He spends most of his time observing, and the rest of his time, mentally translating sentences from English to Italian and vice versa (and yes that's exhausting).
He does however take food incredibly seriously (as most Italians do I feel). His favorite kind of pasta is Paccheri and he will die on the hill that the Italians were the first to make Pizza (who else could make bread, sauce, and cheese taste so good?). He was also incredibly shocked when he found out the drinking age in England was 18. Theo had a glass of wine with dinner every night since the age of ten.
Another thing he doesn't quite understand about England is the frequency through which they drink tea throughout the day. At most, he has a cup a day while some of his English friends have four to five cups a day and usually, one cup with every meal.
Theo also had a very strong connection to his mother. Now that she's gone, he spends a lot of time in his head with his memories of her. It's not all that shocking to anyone really that he doesn't quite have the time or the patience for girls.
Platonically:
As a friend, Theo is a little more open but not much. His two closest friends in the group are you and Lorenzo who's also Italian. He'll talk to either of you and open up a little, but only if no one else is around. He's a bit impartial to Mattheo although he does think the boy is a loose cannon and he actually secretly despises Draco and his blood purity nonsense as it reminds him too much of his father (whom he also hates). So yeah, he spends the majority of his time with Lorenzo and Blaise.
In regards to your friendship with Theo, he's a complete gentleman. He never sits too close in fear of startling or offending you. He opens all of the doors the pair of you walk through and carries your books to class when you have the same class.
In fact, despite being significantly more well mannered than any other boy in your year, the only thing that hinted to you that Theo felt anything towards you other than indifference were small smiles and shared secrets.
Romantically:
Before you even became friends you'd caught Theo's eye. The first time he'd noticed you, you were comforting a crying first year muggle-born that Draco had bullied to tears. You spoke so kindly and softly to the boy. Theo knew then that you weren't like everyone else in Hogwarts. Most people were too afraid to stand up to Draco but the next day, you punched him square in the jaw and told him to stop being such a prick.
The first person to find out about Theo's crush on you was Lorenzo of course. He didn't tease him for which Theo was grateful. Now as stated, Theo is an incredibly quiet person so it's not clear to you that Theo has crush on you.
Also, once Theo has decided that he likes you, other girls don't even approach him anymore. Not after the Ravenclaw incident. A Ravenclaw from your guys' year approached him and asked him out. He didn't even acknowledge her. Just stood up and left.
He does however, make an attempt to spend more time with you whenever her can. He sits with you at meals and during lessons, he asks you for help in charms (even though he's already receiving high marks, but you don't know that). He brings you soup when your sick.
The way that you find out Theo has a crush on you is actually really surprising for you.
Lorenzo came running up to you after Potions one day, completely out of breath. "Y/n! Come quick." He didn't give you any room to disagree as he grasped your wrist firmly and began dragging you down the corridor towards the courtyard. When you got out there, your stomach dropped.
For the first time since meeting him, you saw Theo fight. He had Addrian Pucey on the ground and was currently pummeling the poor boy. The scariest part was that he remained completely calm, cold. Mattheo and Draco were standing on the sidelines egging him on while Theo ruthlessly delivered blow after blow in dead silence. He didn't even wince as his knuckles began to split open and bleed.
Blaise was desperately trying to pull Theo away but he wouldn't budge. Finally, you snapped out of your stupor and approached the boy. As he was throwing punches with his right arm, you approached him from the left and placed a hand on his left shoulder apprehensively. "Theo."
At the sound of your voice, Theo stopped immediately. He didn't look at you immediately. Instead, he stood and kicked Adrian who was on the ground rolling in pain. "Stay away from her." The crowd dispersed as the fight ended. When Theo turned to look at you, his eyes were blazing. For the first time since you'd known him, Theo was burning with rage.
"Theo come on." He let you lead him away in complete silence. Worse than what Adrian had said to you, Theo was ashamed. He couldn't believe that he'd let his emotions take over like that. Now he may have lost you for good. When you finally stopped in a secluded corridor, Theo turned away from you.
"Theo?" He was silent and your concern grew. It wasn't Theo's usual kind of silence, it was a silence that made your heart feel heavy. "Theodore."
"Don't."
"What?"
Finally Theo turns to you and his eyes are glossy. It was startling almost, to see the normally calm and collected boy tearing up. "Don't do that tesoro. Yell, push me, hit me if you need to, but I'm not Theodore. Not to you."
"What happened?" He sighed.
"I overheard Adrian say something completely vile about... you. I couldn't let him talk about you like that. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me cuore. You are the only light in my dark life."
You reached out and grabbed Theo's hands in your own. "That's incredibly sweet of you Theo. But why would you do that for me?"
"Isn't it obvious! I am entirely and irreversibly in love with you. I cannot live without you and I will not allow anyone to say such things about you."
After that, Theo took you out on a date. Thanks to his Pureblood lineage, Theo's family was quite wealthy. And his father had always taken to making sure he was well cared for financially, perhaps out of guilt from his emotional abuse.
For your first date, Theo took you to a London shopping district with his Black Card. At first you refused to spend any of his money. That is until Theo became resigned to buy you everything that your eyes lingered on for more than five seconds despite all your protests.
To end the date, he treated you to a nice dinner and then brought the pair of you back to Hogwarts.
As your boyfriend:
As your boyfriend, Theo's go-to nickname for you is either tesoro (treasure). He spends a lot of time staring at you which Mattheo teases him endlessly for of course.
He wishes you could meet his mother, but he adamantly refuses for you to meet his father. Instead, he introduces you to his grandmother. She teaches you how to make pasta from scratch and you and Theo often sneak into the kitchens at Hogwarts to try and make it there.
He makes it pretty clear that you're the only girl for him. He even tells you one night how his mother's dying wish was for him to find someone that he loved wholeheartedly and who loved him as much. Theo knows that this person is you, and he has no shyness in telling you.
He hates to see you cry, but if for any reason you're feeling sad, he recites Italian poetry to you in a soft and devoted tone.
Questo nostro amore, vita mia
lo prospetti felice
destinato a durare per sempre.
Dei del cielo, fate voi che lei dica il vero,
che lo prometta sincera e dal cuore,
che si possa per tutta la vita
mantener questo patto inviolabile
(This love of ours my life; I predict will be happy; destined to last forever.; Gods of the sky, do what you deem to be true; that promises to be sincere and from the heart,; which can be for a lifetime,; keep this inviolable covenant.)
When Theo speaks his native tongue it makes you a little weak in the knees. The way that his lips curve around the words and his tongue effortlessly forms each syllable makes your heart swell.
Overall:
Italian Theo is a complete cutie with impeccable manners and expresses more romance in ten minutes with you than most men express in their entire lives. He sees you as a light that brightens his life that he will do anything to protect.
----
help this is so bad
1K notes · View notes