#but will i ever Not feel like im so far behind? will i ever Not be deeply unsettled by even the mildest changes?

[robinsgrl]

Rafe with weird girl is a bit more nonchalant and tame compared to JJ with weird girl. he WILL match your freak and that’s a threat and yeah you might be weird but he’s much weirder he makes you shy. YOU. original rafe!

MDNI 18+

you’re talkative. You’re never not talking someone’s ear off. Most people can’t handle it. Sometimes your own friends need a moment of silence. But never JJ.

you’re laid back on your bed, legs spread open as his face hides between you. “deb deserves so much better. her boyfriend is such an asshole.” you breathe out shakily as he laps at your cunt.

he hums into you, nodding. “she does, mama. much better.” he dives right back in, your fingers threading through his hair.

“yeah, and the weird thing is she doesn’t think she does,” a small moan leaves your lips but you continue. “we tell her all the time. oh! I forgot the worst part! when they were on a break, he came to the store and-and bought condoms. at her register.”

this makes him pull his face from your heat, eyes wide as he looks down at you. “no fucking way.”

You nod, just as exasperated. “yeah, i know, it was fucking crazy” you tell him as you push his head back down

you’ve gone fishing with him and you’re so damn bored. you came to tan but the suns slowly going down and you're sure you’re as tan as you can be. he adds bait one last time and throws it far into the water. your eyes trail on his strong arms that are flexing under the soft hue of the sunset.

you dont even question your thought. you lean over and chomp down onto his bicep. he’s not even phased. “what’s my sunscreen taste like?” he asks as he glances over at you with a pretty smile. it makes your cheeks flush.

“delicious. wanna try mine?” it’s a joke. but you should know better than to joke like that with him. he doesn’t hesitate to drop his rod and rush to you.

a loud laugh leaves you as he tackles you in a hug, making you land on him as he falls to his back on the boat. he’s nipping at your neck, biting and sucking on you. “jj!” you can’t stop the happy laughs that leave you.

“you taste so good, mama!” he trails his lips down to your chest and bites the side of your boob that’s pressing out of your bikini. it doesn’t take long for him to fully take your tit out and bite your pebbled nipple.

“JJ!”

you’re in bed with jj when you realize something. he’s butt naked. “bro, where are your pants?”

“bro, i like letting my balls get air”

“bro, are you clenching your cheeks right now?” You ask with a laugh as you smack his ass. He lets out a fake moan and pushes his ass to you.

“Bro, i loved that. Do it again.” He’s laying on top of you now, feeling his everything against you. Your hands fall to his butt and you easily squish his cheek. “Bro, im getting a boner.”

“Your bro is giving you a boner? Bro, that’s fruity.”

He nuzzles his face into your neck as you keep smacking his naked butt. “Your little butt is so cute” you comment.

“My butt is NOT small”

“Yes, it’s a tiny lil bubble butt”

“There’s nothing tiny about me, mama” you laugh as he rolls his hips into you.

“JJ! Oh my god!” You laugh and try and push him off of you.

Yeah, no one can ever truly grasp JJ’s freak— he leaves you miles behind. Moral of the story…… he wins.

[naesfilm]

⏦ﾟ♡︎ celibate . . . im nayeon x fem! reader

༯ synopsis : only nayeon knows the priests daughter isn’t as innocent as she seems . . .

༯ warnings : blasphemy , corruption kink , slight dacryphilia kink , size kink , praise kink , religion , dom! nayeon , sub! reader , semi - public sex , reader is 18, virgin reader

༯ word count : 2.3k

The pastor's strong voice resonates through the halls of the cathedral.

Nayeon rests back in her seat, sighing as she listens to him drone on and on. It wasn’t that she wasn’t interested- it’s just that she had much better things to get acquainted with.

Like you; the young girl trembling before her in nothing but your tiny white panties, a cute pink bow situated on their front. “Aren’t they cute?” You’d whisper innocently, looking down.

Nayeon would chuckle, resting her larger hand on your thigh. “Very cute,” She whispered, her hand flexing as it rubbed slowly. “I like the bow.”

Her comment made you grin. “I bought them with my allowance.”

“Oh? Did you now?” Nayeon chuckles, tongue darting out to wet her lips. “I’ll bet you just love to dress up like a pretty doll for women like me, hm?”

Your heart flutters and you nod shyly. “…just you.”

A flash of possession rises in Nayeon as she smirks up at you. “That’s right, baby. I’m the only woman in your life that can touch you like this.”

A flush invades your face as you nod, looking away toward the door. “…what if someone comes in..?”

The older woman hummed, rubbing all up and down your thighs. “Then you’ll be a good girl and put on a nice show, right?”

You whimper at the thought.

“I think somebody liked that…” Nayeon smirked, leaning into pepper kisses along your tummy. “My pretty girl…”

“I..” Shyly, you rest your hand on Nayeon’s head. “…we shouldn’t go that far..it’s blasphemous..”

“To feel pleasure?”

“In a church..”

“So?” Nayeon chuckles, hand slipping to palm at your hip. “Good girls like to feel pleasure. And you’re a good girl, right?”

Guilt swelled in you but you pushed it away with quick nods. “Y-Yes…’m a good girl..”

“That’s right, there we go…”

The older woman’s hands had begun a path upward, rubbing up your waist and to your back— unclasping your bra and pulling it from you. You squeaked, shy and bashful as you hit your chest. “N-Nayeon…!”

“Shh, don’t hide from me, bunny…” She’d coo, prying your hands away to gaze in full at the gently swell and slope of your chest. “Mm, so cute…”

Nayeon had waited for this moment. In the few months she knew you, she’d been inching closer and closer. First— subtle brushes of her hand against your waist, hugs from behind, her larger hand enveloping your small one. Then, it extended to shy kisses behind the altar, in the back before you joined the congregation.

You were so shy and soft when she’d pull you into a kiss— so squirmy when she’d knead your breasts in her hands in the back of the church, teasing you up until you couldn’t take it. All of this, and Nayeon had just now seen you naked.

Well, almost naked anyway.

Her thumb slipped over one budding nipple, watching you bite your lip as you watched your body's reaction. “So soft…” Nayeon would murmur, teasing the taunt bud until you squirmed.

“Too much..”

“Hmm,” She’d coo toward you like a mother. “Little baby can’t handle it?”

You felt patronized and compelled to withstand her soft torture.

From there Nayeon would fondle you slowly, hands moving in circular motions as she squeezed occasionally. The heat you began to feel pooled at your feet, working its way up until you were slightly lost for breath and preening your sensitive breasts into her hands with quiet whimpers.

Beautiful noises, Nayeon thought. One in a million.

Your thighs would brush together, an embarrassing amount of arousal gathering. It was nothing like you’d ever experienced. Sure, the older woman would caress you in the back of the church frequently, but never for such a long period of time like this. Never enough to make you achy, especially not down there.

“Nayeon…” You whimpered softly.

Her eyes flit to yours and then down to your thighs, a wicked smirk taking over. “Oh? Did I get you worked up down here?”

“Hmph..” Your brows pinched together as you nodded.

“Poor thing,” Nayeon tutted, reaching down and patting your legs very gently where you stood- she swallowed audibly at the sight. “…I’ll bet you haven’t ever been touched here, hm?”

“N-No…”

“Not even by yourself?”

You looked away ashamedly and Nayeon drank in the sight with greed. There was something about you being so untouched that worked her up so much. “It’s okay, pretty girl,” she whispered affectionately. “Nayeon’s here to help…”

As she said that, her thumb came to graze over where your clit was through your panties, making you jump and let out a soft moan at the feeling. Heat flooded your cheeks.

“I-I’m sorry—“

“No need to apologize,” Nayeon chuckled, rubbing in achingly slow circles. “It’s natural…”

Beyond flustered you said nothing else, only reached down to lace your hands in her hair with quiet whimpers and moans.

Nayeon changed from her thumb to her pointer finger on her dominant hand, rubbing down your folds through the silk of your panties, and then back up— forming a rhythm as your tiny body squirmed above her.

“Feels nice?”

“…tingly..” You’d whimper out.

The urge to rip these damn panties off of you was eating Nayeon alive, especially when you whispered so prettily like that. She stood quickly, pulling away and moving to slip off her shirt. “Lay on the floor.”

Compelled, you dropped down obediently and laid on your back, swallowing as you watched the older woman’s skin be revealed.

She was slim yet fit, her pale skin flushed at the joints. Nayeon wore a simple black bra that hugged her chest in close- and when she took off her jeans you found she’d slipped on mismatched panties. It didn’t matter, her body was soon against yours anyways— her lips locking onto yours softly.

You’d kiss back hesitantly. Inexperienced and shy, as you always did with Nayeon. Her hands squeezed your hips and her tongue caressed yours— overpowering it and pushing it down as she explored your mouth with ease. In the end she left you panting, gasping for breath as she moved to kiss down your neck.

“N-Nayeon—“

“Shh…”

Her hands continued their rubbing and squeezing of your hips as she bit your neck enough to mark but not enough to break skin. Her kisses were hot and sloppy, and she left a trail of their warmth down your jaw as she kissed and sucked feverishly— marking this pretty angel as her own.

You’d kissed were a mess of whimpers, that achy feeling growing in your tummy as her lips met your breasts— sucking in a soft manner like a baby. You’d felt an odd affection swell as you cradled her head, meeting her hooded eyes and whimpering at the sight.

Pure lust.

Nayeon was like a demon, ravaging an angel for the first time.

You felt powerless, but not in a bad way. It was a relief. Getting touched for the first time. Feeling wanted by someone.

Her lips kissed down your stomach now, eyes glancing down and eyeing your wet cunt through your panties. “You’re so fucking wet…” Nayeon chuckles. “For an innocent virgin you’re a real whore…” and then her hands dragged down— tugging your panties with them until they were off and tossed across the room. Your father’s voice rang out in the church— echoing in your ears.

Blasphemy.

But why did it feel so good?

“P-Please..” You’d whimper, hips bucking up involuntarily as you sniffed and pouted.

Nayeon grinned. “I’m gonna touch you bunny, let me have some fun first.” And her lips went back to your body.

You were covered in stains of red lipstick and bites by the time she finished. Her teeth had imprinted onto you like a starving animal— marking your once clear skin all the way up. It left the ache worse to the point where you had begun to subtly grind against her knee for any support.

But Nayeon shut it down with a quick peck on your lips. “Be good now, okay?”

“Y-Yes..” You whimpered, nodding like a guilty pup. “Sorry…”

“It’s fine, I always knew you’d be a dirty girl anyway.” Nayeon’s hand ran over your thigh, making it shudder as you pouted.

“Dirty…?”

“Oh yes,” She hummed, nodding downward. “Just look at the mess you made on me. You’re begging like a pretty whore to be touched…”

You whimpered at the name. “You shouldn't say stuff like that…it’s bad…”

Nayeon shook her head. “Don’t preach right and wrong to me, little one. Just a second ago you were aching for me to touch your little pussy.”

You squeak. “Don’t call it that…!”

The older woman merely sighs, parting your thighs more and altering you so you have your legs pushed up, dripping center on display for her. “Sorry wet and needy…a tight little virgin all for me..”

“Ngh..” You noised, flustered and wanton.

Course Nayeon and that husky tone she used with you.

“If you say you’re sorry for preaching to me..” Nayeon began, her pointer finger just barely grazing your folds. “I’ll touch you…”

“I’m so sorry.”

The quickness in your tone made her perk, and she laughed softly. “So obedient…my, my.”

After a thoughtful moment of consideration, Nayeon lowered herself to be positioned between your legs. You flushed up to your ears— feeling her breath against you. “W-Wait, that’s—!”

Too late.

Nayeon’s tongue had licked a slow strip from your entrance up to your clit, rolling the ball around with a mix of her saliva and your arousal. It made you squirm instantly, hips bucking your pussy into her mouth.

Her free hand holds your leg patiently as her other hand runs its fingers through your wet folds, inching down to your entrance while her mouth busies itself with your clit.

“N-Nayeon…!” You squirmed, eyes squeezing shut. Your inexperience led to a short amount of fear, a coil tightening on your stomach—

With that, Nayeon’s fingers dip down to your entrance and she pushes inside– caressing your hymen at first before shoving in fully. You let out a noise of pain followed quickly by a moan of pleasure as her fingers thrust in and out of your tight little cunt– loosening you nicely for her.

Nayeon’s lips pull off your clit, eyes falling to watch the erotic sight of her fingers pushing and pulling in and out of you, as you squeezed around her like a vice. “Goddamn…” She cursed, looked back at you and then down again. “You take me so well…”

A moan falls from your lips as she fingers you faster, building you swiftly up to the edge, and it’s almost embarrassing how needy you are for more. The feeling of a knot building in your tummy makes you tremble, body shaking as you whimper.

“F-Feel icky…”

“Are you going to cum?” Nayeon husks, kissing at your leg as she digs her lithe fingers inside of your cunt even more. “Mmm…you’re squeezing so tightly around me babygirl…wanna cum for me? Let the whole cathedral hear the Priests little bitch whimpering like a pup as she’s fucked?”

“N-Ngh..~” Your hips shake as you press closer, nodding mindlessly. “Y-Yes— oh God, please—“

“Ah, it’s so bad to say that~” Nayeon tutted, smirking as she watched your eyes fill with tears from the pleasure. It only served to turn her on more. “That’s so sexy…cry for me baby..”

You whimpered, squeezing your eyes shut as the tears fell and your body continued to shake. “P-Please— feels so good—“

“Oh yeah?” Nayeon leaned back down- moving her fingers quicker. “I’ll bet you don’t even know how to finish, hm?”

“N-No..-“ You whimpered, sniffling messily as she fingered you. “P-Please—“

“Do you feel…” Her free hand slid up and pressed on your tummy, right where that knot was building. “Right here. A lot of warmth? Maybe a lot of tingles that make your legs feel like jelly…?”

You nodded messily, hips bucking.

“Good, good.” Nayeon cooed, leaning down to kiss at your neck as she continued. “Take a deep breath for me and relax your body— it’ll feel weird baby, but you just have to trust me…”

You did as she said, a soft cry leaving as your arms wrapped around her neck needily. “A-Ah..~ feels like- like-“

“I know,” Nayeon chuckles, her hand squeezing your hip now as she looked down and watched her fingers. “You’re not going to do…that, just trust me, and let it all go, okay?”

“B-But—“

“Come on, Y/n, be a good girl for me..” She’d husk, watching you squirm so desperately as you tried to hold in what you thought was something else. “Let go..”

You were panting and whining but had no choice but to listen to her— and so, with a heavy amount of hesitation, you let the final wave of pleasure roll through you like a blinding light as tears sprung into your eyes again— a choked sob leaving your tiny shaking form.

“Fuck—!”

Nayeon’s eyes widened slightly, a smirk pulling at her lips. God, you were perfect. She kept her fingers going steady until you had physically whined and moved away, a laugh bubbling from her. “Okay, okay, i’m sorry,” She smiled, pulling you back and cradling you against her body. “You did so well…”

“M-Mph..” Your face lodged its way into her neck. “…d-do you think anyone heard—“

You were cut off by the door opening.

“Great heavens!”

“Ah..this is rather private,” Nayeon grinned wickedly, shielding your body from the wide eyes of the congregation. Your dad pushed through and she quickly grabbed a shirt, slipping it over your body to hide you. “Time to go, little bunny. They found us~”

[hovkinnie]

mizuena/ena5 incoherent rant below bc i love them so much im losing my mind

I can't stop thinking about how much of mizuki's conflict in prsk is resolved entirely by ena's actions, not mizuki's own, and that's actually really fucking good. hear me out.

One of the driving emotions for Mizuki's conflict is obviously fear; she's afraid of being left once people know her secret, she's afraid she can only ever have shallow connections with people who wouldn't really accept her as who she is, she's afraid of losing the few friends she has and the one space where she feels like she can express herself through their shared art.

But beyond that, the other driving emotion for her is guilt. She feels guilty that she's been "deceiving" everyone else, she feels guilty that she's left Ena waiting for so long without telling her her secret, she feels guilty that everyone else seems to be moving forward and facing their fears while she seemingly can't. And when her secret is revealed, the strongest emotion she's going through isn't her fear of being left behind, it's the guilt that's been eating her away from the inside.

She tells ena that it can't be the same, that now ena won't be able to treat her the same, that she knows Ena and Kanade and Mafuyu are so kind they'll smile and tell her they're fine with it, but that they'll just be forcing themselves for the sake of kindness. That they'd rather not have to deal with everything that makes Mizuki complicated, but they would anyway because they're kind like that. That she can't bear that. She doesn't deserve that.

And all of this guilt is so real for this young trans girl to feel because it's what we're pushed towards constantly, even when we're supposedly accepted for who we are. The lie that we're deceiving others when we present as our own gender is so deeply written into our collective psyche, and even beyond that, even in "progressive" spaces, the violence we suffer is often treated as our own burden to bear, as something we have to deal with and not burden other people with.

So many basic bitch stories about trans women, with trans women protags written by cis people, have them struggle and "grow" as the story progresses, having to "face their fears", to come out to people they're scared of leaving them, to "trust their loved ones" and take that first step. I think a lot about The Missing, a game that gets a lot of the horror of being a trans girl and yet still has the protagonist, who is so terrified of how her mom would react to her coming out she tries to end her own life, learn the lesson that she should come out anyway, trust this person that's only given her reasons to fear her, because that's the only way for her to move forward.

Mizuki doesn't do that. She doesn't have to. Mizu5 is all about the horror of being outed before you're ready to come out yourself, even to someone you know would show you kindness. And it allows Mizuki to stew in her own guilt, the guilt that she never faced her fears herself, that she's burdening N25 with her suffering. But Ena5 is about Ena, so patient and unwilling to hurt Mizuki, finally being moved to action by kaito and meiko agreeing that it's up to her to be selfish and try to bring Mizuki back, to recognize that Mizuki doesn't want to be alone.

It's up to Ena to do the scary thing, for her to be open and vulnerable about her feelings. For her to go up to Mizuki, despite being ignored for so long, as someone who is so sensitive to being ignored- to being rejected- and to tell Mizuki what she needs- and deserves- to hear. That she's wanted. That Ena doesn't care if Mizuki thinks she deserves it or not, that Mizuki's guilt shouldn't factor in because Ena wants Mizuki beside her.

It's the ultimate transfem fantasy because it's the fantasy of being truly wanted, of being unconditionally loved. It's the fantasy of someone seeing you for who you are, and not just "accepting you" as if it's a favor they're doing you, but going as far as telling you that the way you've been conditioned by a lifetime of violence to feel and act to protect yourself is NOT your fault, it's NOT just your responsibility to deal with, that you deserve someone who will go through the effort of digging you out of that hole and that you're not a burden for needing that.

In a lot of subtle ways, Mizuki's story feels 1000% written by people who understand trans girls so far beyond the scope of the usual explaining-transness-to-cis-people style of narrative, even understanding ways that these narratives fuck up routinely and also understanding exactly what is needed to sneak this into a highly commercial hatsune miku gacha game. There's a lot of compromises made there for the sake of being this kind of story in this kind of game, but what we get in return is so much more meaningful as a transfem narrative than anything of similar popularity that I can think of, it fills me with so much emotion and I truly can't fathom believing it's somehow "bait" or "not real rep" unless you've never had to think about transmisogyny and how it emotionally affects you to this degree.

I'll never stop thinking about them. Congrats on the wedding mizuki and ena. someone like ena is exactly what every trans girl deserves, and never has someone proven herself more deserving of a trans girl's love than ena. i love them both so much my heart feels like it's going to explode whenever i think of them. huge thanks to everyone involved in creating their story

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

Just want to say: a, I admire very much that you've figured out a healthy way to work on your fics that allows you to have fun with it. And also b, am very excited to hear that you are getting there with pez! It has fully given me brain rot ever since I read it last year, there is just such a lack of content for the highly specific trope of using time travel as a device to explore extremely unhealthy levels of self loathing.

I just adore everything you're doing in it. Neither midoriya is anywhere approaching okay for any portion of the fic and I love rereading and mining into all the subtle characterization pointing to that. It's a bit like nhtycth in that some really goofy funny stuff is often hiding some really fucking worrying things, but the fact that characters DO do that stuff—that todoroki uses his teaspoon's worth of extremely stunted social skills to bludgeon his friend's door open and help him, that a rpf shipping war is an actual source of drama despite how goofy the sentiment seems on the surface, that about half of what jon says is deeply worrying and the other half is extremely funny and there's a lot of overlap between the two—really lifts the tension and brightens the universe. It's sort of similar to what you did with gerry, in that endless misery isn't nearly as painful as the ups and downs of a life that, when you step back and zoom out, has something deeply and horribly wrong with it.

(jon sort of reminds me of spider-man in that he uses human to deal with trauma and stress, except I don't think he at any point realizes how fucking funny he is. He's just there, in a home depot, gnashing his teeth because he's got so many bodies to dispose of and this cashier sure is taking her time.)

I really, really, really have had trouble finding fics that take everything midoriya has dealt with to task. It's a hell of a thing to live 14 years as a disabled minority, have it heavily shape your existence, and then one day you wake up and you realize you're...not that, or at least, nobody will ever acknowledge you as that again. You've lost all claim to it. Those experiences that shaped who you are? Dust in the wind. 14 years of pain and life might as well be buried in the ground for all the good they do you. Nobody's going to cut you any slack or quarter, you've gotta simply work harder, be better. And now when you do that you get the results you wanted, so that's fine, then. That's good. There was something wrong with the you before, and there's something right with the you now, and if the transition is a little rough, well that doesn't matter, you're the same as everyone else now, so it's your own job to fill in whatever gaps you need to.

I really can't get over how mentally fucked it must be for midoriya to run into quirkless people, run across quirkless issues, and be silently caught between, incapable of speaking his mind and too scared to do so anyway around those he can trust.

Also I should mention, I'm just very excited for bakugou to get back from the gym. He's been there like a year I hope he's getting a good workout in.

Me realizing that it’s been a year since pez dispenser debris:

I feel like there’s just this very specific type of grief that Izuku has to grapple with in the span of pez dispenser debris that I’m just obsessed with. He’s sort of silently mourning who he could have been, when 1) he has to present like there’s nothing lost to maintain his secret and 2) the entire world is constantly inundating him with the message that there was nothing lost.

Like. I don’t want to get too deep into it because it risks spoiling things and I do have major plans to continue it (I’ve loved this story for so many years before I ever even hit publish), but the emotion that Izuku’s feeling right now is so much more complex than “I hate who I used to be and want him to stop existing” or “I just want to keep my secrets.” And I think the way he interacts with Mirio is the biggest evidence of that.

Izuku’s placed himself at the very center of the Quirklessness debate with his support of Mirio. He fights for Quirkless heroes, very publicly, to the point where he’s not even graduated yet but considered to be one of the most prominent voices on the matter. If you took a poll of Quirkless people as to which hero would be most supportive of them pursing their own career in heroics, Izuku would be right at the top of the list. When it comes to Quirklessness itself, he’s nothing but supportive.

But he didn’t tell Mirio the truth of his own Quirklessness.

Out of everyone, Mirio’s the one everyone expects to know, despite him being a relatively newer relationship compared to someone like Iida or Uraraka or Todoroki. And I tried to imply that he’s sort of the one who knows the most about Izuku out of everyone save All Might.

Like, we’ll get into how much exactly Mirio knows soon, so I won’t divulge what, if anything, Izuku has told him. But we know that Mirio knows, weirdly enough, that Izuku is deeply fucking haunted. He knows that boy has many violent ghosts in his bones. He finds it hilarious and will tell their realtor about it. Izuku told him about the discontent spirits who died in a violent passion and live on inside of him before he told him about his Quirklessness.

And I just feel like one of those things is a little bit easier to discuss than the other.

Izuku has decided to keep his own Quirklessness quiet in a way that surpasses secrecy about One for All. If it was just about OfA, he could tell people he didn’t get his quirk until the entrance exam, and it wouldn’t even be a lie. He’s purposefully obscuring his own past as Quirkless even as he takes a forefront of the Quirkless hero debate with his open support of Mirio.

And the fact that he’s at the forefront of this debate in and of itself requires a difficult dichotomy. He is the world’s most vocal proponent for the first Quirkless hero. He is a known figure in the Quirkless community now.

He isn’t considered one of them anymore. He’s an outsider coming in.

It must be such a strange, odd sort of grief to come to the people you were home amongst for most of your life and be greeted as a stranger. To return home, and to be welcomed in for the first time, and to not even be able to tell people that you’ve lived here all your life and don’t need a tour.

It’s a sort of death of self, I think. And I think Izuku never expected to have to grapple with his own ghost.

[spyres]

i don't really like confessions blogs because i feel like they just fuel the fire for fandom discourse but ngl i agree with pretty much everything that's been posted on the is*t one so far so i'm okay with it for now lol 👍

[thewickerking]

3 year old messages cannot be having me giggling out loud it is three am. Sighs. I think more than anything I just miss having the energy to text as many people as often as I used to. I miss late night conversations while barely awake and memorizing timezones and inside jokes and well okay maybe I do miss specific people. I miss the groupchats and servers and communities i was a part of... especially now when I feel such a lack of community around me.... :/

[s0fter-sin]

AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOT ITS TEETH IN ME BUT I’M ABOUT TO BITE BACK IN ANGER

[nieranddear]

Rereading the dialog that is said during suppressions. Abel specifically says 'Loved Ones' as he speaks about those in the upper layer's demise and their struggle and urging to stop as continuing on is futile. Abram says 'colleagues'. 'Coworkers'. He does refer to them as 'Friends' once as well. But every other dialog is about Carmen or generalizing and saying 'everyone' rather than specifics. It just feels odd a bit to where he uses less strong terms when referring to relations with people and then afterwards only refers to Carmen by name rather than those still existing beside him. Even when it was stated by a facet of A and others (I can only remember Hokma off the top of my head. It may be only him which would make sense) refer to A having seen them as specifically 'Loved Ones'. Which is a far stronger showing and expression of emotion to those around you.

It makes me think of how he, Abram, expressed his desires, the desire to die [see: 'sink'/'sleep' for he explicitly refers to death consistently as slumber and when bringing the dead back 'waking them up'] and stop, in that moment. He constantly brings up, in general terms, self punishment and Carmen. Guilt that is carried with Carmen. Memories of her death, her passing. Of how she left without a smile. Of how she can no longer bask in the warmth of the sun she loved to do so frequently. Yet only of Carmen in name. Never anyone else or specifics of people, generalizations when referring to others and referring to them all inside a group, as a collective. Them and then Carmen. Focused on only that. On the fact he cannot move forward. Urging to just shut the eyes and to simply Sink. To Sleep. To die. It reminds me of when one goes ahead and becomes so interlaced with suffering and grief and despair that one simply stews inside of it, spiraling down further into that single train of thought. Holding onto the image of a dead and deceased one. It feels as if, in a more crude way of saying it as I cannot formulate a different way currrently at the moment, searching of 'justification' and a fitting reason to commit suicide. [I say Justification as what I really mean to say a 'fitting reason', that reason and end seeming to Be the Only way to continue, or lack of continue, at that point to him.] Rather than saying the names or specifics of those around him, of his loved ones still inside those metal boxes, he becomes enveloped in grief and only on Carmen. Abram's mistake which he fixates the most upon. Holds deep guilt for. Blames himself for. Saying he drove her to her death. That he is leaving her behind [I didnt save the exact quote but it was generally that]. When those inside the facility are people he also so clearly values and wished to bring back as well he, at this moment, primarily focuses on Carmen. Even when he does address the others it's in a more brief manner, having two pieces of dialog on the Sephirot specifically and it only relating to his Faults relating to them than the people themself when he speaks of Carmen in a more in depth manner. Perhaps it's still the wish clinging of to not hold trust in anyone. But it feels reminiscent to when a person tries to push themself and gain 'courage' to commit suicide. Of focusing only on the guilt and regret and the mourning of one already gone, who was so near and dear whom he did all of this for in the first place his desire only stemming from her and not the project itself, especially one who also killed herself, to go ahead and die as well. Perhaps it's not even an active thing he does in his mind. It's just become so overbearing that he has now gotten stuck in that never ending loop. Using far more stronger language of the woman dead and gone who he wishes to rejoin than of those currently alive and near to him, making them feel far more distant than they actually are mentally – at least in relations and connections wise. Depression does tend to tear down what one feels towards their loved ones and how they process and view relationships causing for people to exhibit such a thing by feeling distant in a room or alone with a loved one nearby as commonly known – and physically. I'm not saying that's 'totally what it is' or the sort. More of that reading it over again just reminded me of such a thing. Nothing revolutionary but more ramblings to process it all after it ended

[thedevotionaltour]

I SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO RADIOOOOOOOO

[chiisana-lion]

^ had to look at their old classmates' and childhood friends' graduation pics and celebrations and whatnot

[agentemo]

I think I worked too hard for too long trying to fix things with my mom and it kept breaking me down the way it always did and now I feel like a shell of a person because it was a waste it was a waste to hollow myself out and show her the viscera I'm made of and keep hoping keep hoping she'll find something beautiful in it someday

strangers love me better

[willowfey]

.

[asclexeposting]

sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what

[protobrieile]

sighhhhhhhhhhh

[phagodyke]

still just so so disappointed though :-(

[kavehitecture]

chat lets all b honest here…. should i pick genshin back up