#still feels sensitive now but not as bad
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I often forget how badly the cold can fuck me up and then one slightly-too-chilly-for-slightly-too-long outing and I’m out of commission for the rest of the damn day…
No outdoor winter job for me I guess
#took a little hike w friends! saw a spruce grouse! got lightly attacked by said spruce grouse!#stood and watched some cormorants and chatted! saw a great blue heron! and some harbor seals!#my hands were tingly numb the entire 10 min drive back to the apartment!#and then I thought I had escaped mostly okay bc my chest hadn’t gone yet#but a few mins back at home and my hands still stiff and then my chest started up#it wasn’t even that cold!! I wasn’t that cold!! god damn circulation!!!#my chest hurt for a while and piled under my electric blanket but could barely even tell it was warm#had some snacky lunch and hot chocolate#I think I fell asleep a little bit#but my chest still hurt for a while and once it faded out my hands were still cold#and my chest felt sensitive after hurting#still feels sensitive now but not as bad#but I literally just had to lay around for ljke 3-4 hours after being out#ended up wearing the heated vest so I could get up and make soup for dinner#thank u Izzy for ur loving phone call soup support#doing better now but god I hadn’t had a bad one like that in a bit#first real cold day of the season here tho so I guess par for the course#good reminder that I really should not be looking at fully outdoor winter jobs#bc I was considering one and was like maybe I’m just being dramatic about the cold and my circulation idk I could probably do it#I could be out all day teaching ppl in the snow#and then it drops to the 40s here for the first time and im knocked on my ass#maybe no snowshoeing for Sam I guess#I think this was also the first time my housemate saw me like that too#everyone at the office knows abt my heated vest and that I don’t have great circulation#but it’s not usually a big issue I just tend to wear a double layer when I do night programs#I’ll have to make sure I’ve got the right layers in the next weeks now that it’s getting cold#bc I can’t let this knock me over when I gotta be teaching#sorry long tags idk I just laying in bed thinking about it all and needed to put it somewhere#I just kinda forget this can happen until it does and im sitting here like surprised pikachu#im a rambling sam
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🫧 💭 — sycamari are naturally both v non confrontational & stubborn to the point it’s an issue in different ways ; the former means it takes substantially more effort than usual to pick the others brain & the latter ( not because they’re deliberately unwavering ) but because they’re so deeply passionate about their respective values and beliefs 🩵 their disagreements are perceived as a little dramatic because of this but they get better over time and with a joined focus on clearer communication 🙂↕️ 🙂↕️
#furthermore ->#in terms of support they balance each other w how au.gustine brings a more logical perspective while still being sensitive to her emotional#needs and marianne encourages him to feel what he needs to#+ further accommodates this with little reminders that no feelings are ‘ bad ‘ 🙂↕️#good morniii ⛅️ i haven’t slept yet but i sleep now ok n__n 🩵 ✨#it’s important for memory retention i thinkk
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Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.
#I’m not even sure if the ADHD is actually ADHD either or if it’s just technology addiction#Gonna get a REAL neuropsych evaluation at some point out of sheer curiosity as to what the fuck is wrong with me#I relate to a lot of autistic things and I relate to a lot of ADHD things; but I don’t entirely relate to the majority of either population#and I don’t relate to people with both enough to think I have both#I’ve begun treating myself as if I am autistic just for Kicks and using things that help them and it’s helping in some ways#but I know it’s probably not autism because even though I struggle socially; it’s not because of the same reasons#I understand social cues; I was only accidentally perceived as rude as a kid (and most kids are kind of blunt)#(Mostly a moderate amount of “Stop correcting me! It’s disrespectful!” from my parents)#And nowadays because of how much psychology and acting I study; I can perceive shrimp social cues#And I’m purposefully doing all the right things but it still feels like I fail social interactions because of my lack of assertiveness#which I KNOW come from being raised in a cult#so perhaps my odd social behavior is from CPTSD from being raised in a puritan doomsday cult as an only child#Because I was NOT introverted or sensitive to others as a child#I did not have routines as a child and the ones I did have were for fun and did not distress me if I strayed from them#But now I need structure as an adult because I don’t know what else to do with myself if I have nowhere to be#But at the same time everyone feels worse when they have no routine or expectations#And is it actually inattentive ADHD or severe derealization and an itch to do as many things as possible#because I spent my childhood being raised in a boring doomsday cult by disabled older parents who couldn’t physically do much?#(And I don’t fault my parents for being disabled but I do fault them for the whole doomsday cult thing)#So I spent my whole childhood doing mentally tedious things when really I’m more wired for physically spontaneous things#Because I was not allowed to walk around the neighborhood alone until I was sixteen#And I couldn’t hang out with friends I wanted to hang out with because they were bad association#So of course I got really good at drawing even though I don’t even like drawing that much#Of course I got really good at writing even though I don’t like writing that much#Now that I don’t need to escape from anything I find I actually hate drawing and writing because it’s such a chore#they make my heart rate accelerate in a way I don’t like to feel#(I hate writing less than drawing)
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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i have conquered the evil wet box
i hate the evil wet box
i feel like i need a treat now
#i do feel better tho#i keep needing to tell myself that the new shower gel i have doesnt make my skin feel like dry old crusty newspapers#and altho i feel like i need to dunk myself in a vat of moisturiser cream still#its no where as comparibly bad as previous showergels#sanex 0% pink one btw#i have baby ass sensitive skin and also the autism sensory issues#eczema#some soaps left me with a thin coating of soap residue#never mind how much i scrubbed post shower gel#hated that too#actually autistic#i used to legit feel horrendous 3-7 days on average post shower#itchy and dry no matter what cream i used#now thats down to maybe an hour (depending how bad the eczema is)#i hate it when the “how often do you shower” polls and posts come around bc im well aware i should be showering more but like#i hate it so much for so many different reasons
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I don’t wanna sleep cause I have a lot to do tomorrow… but it’s also starting to get to that point in the night where I feel sad again :( I don’t wanna spiral againnnn
#relic answers#vent#today was fine until I. had a breakdown#the night ended off better at least#but now I still feel kinda. sensitive I guess :<#and my brain is just trying to find sad things or insecurities to push me into to make me feel bad#but I’ll try not to think about it. I’ll just focus on how the night ended off slightly better
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Me, the other night: "I may be going through a fuck of a life situation, but it could always be worse if I broke a flower pot in the shower again."
Me, today, waking up with a swollen and painful mouth infection:
#im in too much pain to find a better react#im so fucking tired#when will life stop throwing me multiple curveballs?? i dont even know how to juggle!!#im just getting hit in the face with each curveball. and it feels like it today too holy shit#im in the middle of teeth alignments for treating my tmj pain idk how im gonna go thru another root canal#my first root canal was only preceeded by hot/cold sensitivity. it never got swollen or hot#im so exhausted man. at least the regular dentist can see me today and hopefully give me antibiotics#im on immunosuppressants so i was crying this morning like damn im gonna have to go to the er for this i wont survive the weekend#im so upset tho it took me forever to fill my last prescription. so dont jinx it but i might still need to keep that er plan on hold#the good thing ab that tho is my back mri is tomorrow which is at the local er so i can do the mri and walk right over if needed#i just dont understand how this could happen i brush and floss after everything i eat or drink (so at least 3 times a day. thoroughly.)#bad genetics and stress strikes again i guess#vent#Cori.exe#Post.exe#god and i spent the last 2 days stress picking my face too so i look ROUGH right now#everything sucks lol#its right over where my wisdom tooth would have been too so like. way back there. im gonna be drinking soup for weeks#rip coris jaw. never had a chance
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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#hey quick question what do you do when you’re in the wrong#and you know you’re in the wrong#but your feelings are still hurt#what the fuck do you do with that#I feel like i emotionally stunted myself when i tried to be the good one when i was younger#tried not to complain#tried to be a diplomat may#try to be good#try tryto be good#and now I’m just regressing so fucking hard#I never wanted to be grown up as a kid but I was constantly being mature#and an old soul and all that shit#and I robbed myself of my youth without even trying#and now I’m a year older and I don’t want to do it anymore#i don’t want to be the bigger person#it got me nothing#now I’m just a 24 year old who wants to throw a fucking tantrum#why can’t I get over anything#why am i so sensitive#this can’t be right#i know I’m just human#I know I’m not always wrong#why don’t I feel that way#why is it that i don’t feel like a person who makes mistakes#I just feel like a big fucking mistake#and talking about it doesn’t help#not really feelings come and go yes of course I’ll feel better#that’s life everything just happens over and over you feel things good and bad and isn’t that beautiful#it just makes me tired it’s always made me tired I’m always just flinching waiting for the bad feelings to come back and I don’t know how to#stop
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it was never my life to live and he didn’t fall for the real me… he fell for an accessory and thought he could just change the label while things stayed the same
#sorry y’all I’m probably gonna be venting about this the next few weeks#still getting over the sudden ending of this SR and I’m working my way through it#wait why am I apologizing it’s my blog 😭#mine#SB chronicles#it will probably irk me for a while that he thinks I’m at fault for the way things ended when it was entirely him#and he will probably think of me as sensitive and petty and a hoe that was just after his money and he’ll be all the more bitter#towards women after this and I feel bad for whoever he picks up after me#he’s just on a cycle of rebounds…. not healthy at all#his punishment is who he is and no woman in her healed mind is going to stay with him once she realizes who he is#he will end up alone sooner or later#or keep running through women bc he eventually takes his facade off#maybe white women can handle all that emotional abuse but not me baby#I like my men respectful sweet patient and kind and good at communication#I still can’t believe I was going to date him for real and before I could get those words out#he immediately showed me why I would have regretted that decision#I somehow dodged a bullet but still experiencing pain and feeling like I was owed more good times with him#I just wanted a few more months of all the good…..#but there were a lot of things that irritated the shit out of me and I’m forgetting to remember those things#I’m romanticizing our time together#I mean it was wonderful while it was good but I hated hearing and smelling his fucking gross f*rts#that is definitely something I will never get used to tolerating from a man#or how easily distracted he was or how he didn’t like to sit inside of moments like I do#how he often gave me the illusion of choice but then we ended up doing whatever he wanted#I definitely would think ‘oh I can’t wait to never deal with _____ again’ and now I don’t have to 🤷🏾♀️#I just miss the affection attention and sex and how I felt disconnected from my sad reality when I was in his world#I just liked his world#it was rich and quiet and high quality and carefree
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Took another covid test and it's STILL negative which is surprising because I feel like absolute shit
#i know other illnesses exist but the timing?? ODD#i have a terrible headache (and i have headaches daily so when i say terrible i mean it) my throat is scratchy and sore exactly like it was#last time i had corona my neck shoulders back upper legs and upper arms are stiff and sore#i feel dizzy and disoriented my eyes feel warm although I dont think i have a fever I'm nauseous and my stomach hurts but it always does#that so idk if that's related to anything and i'm so sound and sight sensitive right now#i mean?? coincidence!? apparently so#but yeah basically like half these symptoms i have every day anyway but not always this bad and the others on top are 👀 suspicious#but i guess I've just caught a bug or smth cause the tests say norona for me#still though i do feel very uncomfortable HOWEVER i am glad that I'm not congested or coughing. small mercies#my post#personal
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OUGHHH I FOROGR
#i was supposed to go to my sisters house ;;;;#in my defense i was planning to go to both of my sisters houses on the same day#except i had to wait for a confirmation from my other sister as to WHAT DAY would be good#and it is now 7pm on sunday. i had all weekend.#my sister never fucking replied to me <3<3<3 guess ill#uh#fucking uhh#NOT teach her crochet#but it's also v late to get up and go out on a work day >:(#and i couldve had this done earlier. i COULD have had this done YESTERDAY#of my sister had actually replied#but nooooo my brain got stuck in 'just wait for confirmation before finalizing plans' mode#and now it's fucking 7pm on fucking sunday when i texted her on fucking FRIDAY MORNING.#and i forgot to actually PLAN THIS OUT#BC I WAS STUCK IN WAITING MODE.#gods. im just.#hhhhhhh#and now i have to figure out a different time for this bc i cant. i cant go out and do shit at 7pm.#sigh#my other sister is gonna be annoyed about it and i know that#shh ac#edit: cus i dont feel like adding on to it#but yeah i kinda figured i would get a response like that 👍#tbf my message was a little passive aggressive but like dude. i was ALSO in a shitty space all weekend.#its sooo funny that she seems to think that shes the only one who ever gets into shitty moods. lmao. lol even.#and im not saying i dont understand not responding to texts when in a bad mental state-#hell i left my mom on read for 2 days and i still have other messages ik i should respond to#but like. when it comes to messages that are time sensitive like that like. i could accept a 'no not this week' or whatever#its just#urgh
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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if i dont get better in the next 2 days should i go to the hospital
#my headache got worse my eyes hurt so fucking bad guys i feel like crying#my whole body still hurts and now my skin is sensitive and aching#and now i feel like throwing up and i threw up in my mouth a couple times today.....#drinking and eating is a pain tbh
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Noticed another thing about classically trained domenicocuomo
#no actually it's something my teacher said#not about him of coure#she was talking about herself#(because i said those mindfulness exercises don't do shit to me cause I'm way too rational so no I can't feel the difference between my#feet touching the ground and the ground touching my feet)#she said she used to touch and feel only with her fingertips#and when she noticed she tried to switch with her palms#and she found out her palms are really sensitive#he always does that#and i might have a blorbo explanation for it but actually i think it's just him#you know the bad parti in this is that now if i think someone or something is good i have to justify it#I can't just go watch a movie or a show and say 'i really liked it'#because I'm not supposed to like everything#but i do#unfortunately#sorry i don't enjoy my life so at least i wanna enjoy fictional characters and can't concentrate enough on other aspects#do you still think I'm hot?
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ugh we made it 24 hours without having a migraine for the first time in months except for the last 12+ hours we've had prodrome symptoms anyway and then we've finally just got the actual headache and wow that got bad quickly
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#even when we've not got the headache we're still really sensitive to light and sound and smell#which is something that's definitely gotten worse over time especially after that one medication that fucked us up in October#we also get really shaky (like the feeling when you've got low blood sugar) as a prodrome symptom and sometimes during the headache#which didn't used to happen that much but once again got really bad last October and now happens regularly
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