#sorry dont wanna be negative but
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nah no way i'm already seeing Lavish and Midwest indigo hate on twitter. i will protect those two as if they were my own children.
#it's been out for less than a day bro#i will never understand “hating” a song from an artist or band you love like do you really love them then#i do think you can dislike a song#but hate is a strong word#and i get it if the song has a connection to something bad or traumatic in your life but#Clancy has been out for LESS THAN A DAY#like come on be fr#sorry dont wanna be negative but#anyways#<3#twenty one pilots
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apparently yellow/orange backgrounds are also common when i draw these two
#toontown#toontown corporate clash#ttcc#cathal bravecog#cathal ray toby bravecog#multislacker#graham payser#graham ness payser#pacesetter#and why they ourple#strawglicks art gallery#cw eyestrain#OK SORRY lots of posts made in the past like 12 hours#this is the last one for a bit. besides reblogs#i felt like there was too much complaining n stuff in the last few posts#and i just dont want the space to be TOO negative . i dont wanna come off that way#i understand its my blog and i can do what i want and this is irrational but regardless . have a cute art post LMAO
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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has anybody done this one yet
#dungeon meshi spoilers#sorry to post about this AGAIN ive reached the point i stopped reading the first time i read this :p#laios is carrying me through any negative emotion i have ever had :]#dungeon meshi#<- in case anybody just outright has the fandom blocked :p i dont wanna kill anybodys funtimes!#mousetalk
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BY GOD how the fuck the mighty have fallen. That is NOT fucking Rattrap don't LIE TO ME !!!!!! Beast Machines what have you done to my kitten Rattrap.
#NOTMYRATTRAP#honestly the beast machines designs make me wanna krill myshelf SORRY#its not even just theyre HIDEOUS .#its also like they dont resemble Anything about the characters from bw .#like if u told me bm rattrap was a new guy id believe it .#transformers#transformers beast machines#beast machines#negativity#character hate#idk .#i dont hate rattrap i HATE that fucking godawful design tho .#rattrap
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the king of drip ✨
#joffrey baratheon#game of thrones#got#my art#3rd outfit should also have subtle brocade but. im not doing that ❤#sorry for so much show art it will happen again. teehee#something about show joffrey is very fun to draw lol. his face is kinda hard to get right but ill keep trying until i succeed by rng#edit I looked at this again its not that bad lol. deleting that tag rant ❤#still think i could have done better with the face but i dont wanna be too negative about my art also like who cares#are the joffrey stans gonna come for me. no <3 the beauty of drawing unpopular characters <3
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There's legal silence where you keep sensitive information to yourself. And there's silence where you don't even say "please be patient we'll update you in time, we're actually talking to the union/the admins/the intern team". For us viewers, we don't need to know more than to have the assurance that things are being taking care of. We don't need to be repeated the exact same info I différent words over and over again.
There's silence with your team where you want to be careful with your wording. And there's silence with your team where you keep them completely in the dark about their future, not even saying what they just need to hear: "sorry about how things turned out, we have no certainty in either taking you back or not, right now our priority is financial stability, we cannot tell you our différent options so far, but we'll update you when and if we can afford to take you back".
There's silence where you ask for discretion because you will not be able to keep that many people in the team and don't want leaks about what branches are kept and which one will close, then announcing to a whole group of admins that they'll be let out of the project starting this or this day. And there's silence where you warn a lot of twitter update admins that they won't be in the project starting immediately through discord and closing said discours before everyone had even a chance to read it.
There's silence where you're afraid of leaks and there's silence where you don't treat people working for you with respect.
#qsmp admins#qsmp neg#quackity studios#quackity neg#im sorry but at this pount donr even bother making an annoucement#if all you wanna do is repeat yourslef#look we KNOW youre working on finances and cant make promises about the eggs#but we've been asking about the merch money and being transparant about that wont hurt legally#unless you plan about telling us one thing to please us and doing another once we bought them#we KNOW some people might use every thing to harm the project#we ask if you or your team are actually talking to the people concerned#we KNOW you dont want leaks#we ask to be sure you treat the people who dedicated so much to your dream project as allies and not as enemies#i trusted q at first#but if he just wants to repeat homself and not acknowledge anything then i cant trust him no more#qsmp you have been a winderful adventure but it stops here for me
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I try not to be too negative especially on main but wtf is the Minecraft movie
I am not looking forward to this at all
Also Jason's outfit/design reminds me of Dora so... Have that
Reasons I'm not looking forward to it under cut
Not everyone wants to hear me yap-
I did the pic cropping btw
It's a list/ramble cause my brain works best that way
It's uncanny the sheep everything it looks .. weird gross and uncanny
What is this plot I understand the movie isn't released but why are the piglins the bad guys? Why isn't it like a playthrough or speed run of it? That'd make bank look at YouTube
The "star power" celebrity casting feels so bad here. It's an obvious cash grab especially here and I'm worried about them not feeling right nor fitting their roles. In the trailer they look so awkward??
Why is Steve white I understand the star casting but the costume design and they didn't do anything to Jack at all?? Like they put him in a blue shirt and said here ya go ✨ cause thanks?? I hate it
It feels like a cash grab in general like overall?
It feels cheap and to make the same money Sonic, Fnaf, Mario(which I have my own issues with..), and others I probably forgot
It feels loveless and lifeless in a game where creativity has no bounds, you can do anything, and where exploration is key what are they doing? The same action movie plot we've seen..
It's not a love letter to the highest grossing/bought movie it's a cheap grab at it and I am pissed
This is probably full of errors and mistakes but I don't care I don't want this to take any more of my thoughts up
#frog talks#minecraft#minecraft movie#minecraft movie trailer#thanks#thanks i hate it#review#trailer review#trailer reaction#dora#dora the explorer#jason momoa#why did they do that#minecraft movie cast#rant#ramble#very negative#and im so tired#and im sorry#i am not excited#i dont want to speak on this further#im leaving it at this#if you wanna talk about it come to my dms#please#movie rant#i will not be watching
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PLEASE spill the Makoto cop tea. I'm always down to hear people's thoughts on that
Thanks anon! I do my best to keep this blog positive-vibes only, but since you asked I will answer. Warning: DO NOT read this post if you do not want to see any criticisms about Makoto Nijima from P5 + discussions of police. This is not hate towards the character or her fans. It's just criticism for the writing choices and their implications for her.
Makoto Nijima does NOT want to reform the police. There's a mandela effect in the fandom where everyone seems to think she does, but rewatch her rank 10. Reform isn't mentioned at all. I'm so serious. What she actually says is this:
Within her confidant, the context is the host that was preying on her friend Eiko. Wanting to stop situations like that is good and makes sense 👍 The writers framed her decision to become a cop as a response to the most clean-cut black-and-white situation ever.
But here's the thing though: what happens when the lawless and the victims are the same people? Because in the real world, crime tends to concentrate among the poor and marginalized. The real world is not black and white. And I try to separate my personal experiences with the law from the media/art I engage with, but that doesn't work here because the game at large doesn't portray society as black and white.
There are a number of people in this game that do wrong because they have been hurt or are marginalized or did not receive proper help. A lot of mementos requests are about 'lawless' people and yet many are portrayed as 'due to systemic issues' or a lack of support or developing mental illness. It's also not a coincidence that Akechi is the most marginalized of all the phantom thieves and he was the one who did the most crime. There is deliberate social commentary here. People do not become lawless out of nowhere. They are shaped by their circumstances. And the game itself sympathizes with these people, focusing on changing/ helping them. The game's conclusion is that providing support and rehabilitation is the solution. Rehabilitative justice > Punitive justice.
Police wouldn't achieve that. Police in the game are framed as corrupt and incompetent at their core. Our protagonist is one of their biggest victims to demonstrate how they are weaponized against the weak. Even Sae Nijima at the end of the story has shifted to become a defense attorney rather than attempting to reform it (best character arc btw) because she recognized that the system is broken. And you can't even blame it just on Shido controlling the police because we see that the problems persist beyond him. By the end of the story they remain useless or outright harmful. The police do not help or rehabilitate, they only punish.
So no, this isn't me projecting my personal issues with cops onto the story because within the game's own story, law enforcement is not the solution. If it were a question of reform, we could debate about whether police reform is possible, but again: Makoto doesn't care about reform. It never comes up. According to the writers, she wants to be a cop because she thinks not enough lawless people are being punished. You can argue that her wanting to 'head an organization' means she wants to be in a position of power where she can reform them, but remember that police only enforce the law. They do not make the law. If reform was her goal she would be a politician. (I honestly thought that's what she was set up to be, since she was student council president and all but I digress)
Also a small detail, but notice how she mentions destroying the lawless before she mentions helping victims? It's super minor but I think it's indicative of the cop mentality. There's greater priority on punishing than helping.
I also dislike this conclusion to her arc because it's net zero character growth. You're telling me the character that was rebelling against corrupt adults' orders is now becoming a cop, the biggest bootlicking profession of them all? She started the story being a well-intentioned pushover, and she's ending her story being a well-intentioned pushover. And it doesn't matter whether she as an individual is a good person or not. All cops comply to be active participants in a system that is designed to hurt the weak and prop up the powerful.
TLDR: You do not help victims by punishing the 'lawless'. You help victims by helping victims. Period. Makoto becoming a cop is a contradiction of this and her own character arc. Either the writers did her dirty by not thinking this through or this is meant to be who she really is, and both those possibilities upset me.
#my post#now WHY did this happen? probably because atlus doesnt have consistent politics or because they dont have a political backbone#i saw a sensible take on this somewhere#that atlus' overall thesis re: society is that they think its broken but theres nothing else you can do but grow up and join it#that helping people is the goal but overall systemic reform is not#and yeah maybe im cynical but i agree that thats the case. feels like they dont wanna commit to an actual stance#i havent played the other games yet but apparently characters becoming cops happens in almost all of them#and its portrayed as something good and fulfilling despite everything#and yeah i think thats worth criticism esp if it contradicts the game's own themes#if you like makoto as a person then im happy for you but personally i disliked her writing. in terms of conceptualization and execution#i only described my issues with her cop thing but there's other writing problems that i wont discuss here#which is so sad to me because she had a great intro to the team. i had high hopes and they were crushed by bad writing#why does atlus do the girls dirty like this#ANYWAY sorry for the negativity 🥲 i dont usually do critical analysis posts. i really hope this doesnt upset anyone#persona 5#persona 5 royal#p5r makoto#p5r#p5r analysis#p5 analysis#p5 meta#p5r meta
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Gods and mutuals (same thing mwah), please send me strength to not only survive through the Christmas days but also not to kill any of my own family members
Amen
#misha rants#…I DONT WANNA GOOOOOOO#shitty dog shitty brother shitty parents shitty Christmas shitty- sorry#I’m being very negative rn#at least there will be free food#and home alone#and my sis and baby bro#yes. look on the bright side#maybe someone will run you over on the way there#<- I’m kidding…..
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toronto victim complex is so insane that some people lose sight of the actual villain which is .. the media itself imo.
#like......... they all need to be heckled but instead pplk just constantly positively engage w ppl like dangle#its never gonna improve when those are the hyper critical and negative idiots speaking for u as a fandom#dont blame a single player who doesnt want to be there but it makes me grateful for the ppl that want to stay#at the same time as someone not from toronto it makes me laugh how sensitive ppl are like its very silly#not some personal slight against u or ur team when ppl dont wanna deal w it.. its ugly and terrible lol#its the crest vs players thing again.. everything comes back to that but sorry#ill defend a players rights over some random location or symbol
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(just some thoughts about things, I think its rather long so you don't have to read ❤️❤️)
#(sorry for the sudden post but hmmm)#(I cant tell if I am just not into bsd as much as other people)#(or if its simply bc Im just not as opinionated)#(the current story arc has gotten so far and like woah that I don't feel like super excited or shocked whenever there's a new update)#(either that or seeing everyones complaints about everything kinda dampens the excitement)#(tbh I really enjoyed up to like the guild arc but once it got into the whole like fyodor business my brain stopped)#(its interesting but maybe I just like happy endings too much haha)#(I dont talk to anyone in the fandom but I feel like it is very negative(#(hence the reason why I dont really interact outside of posting these drawings every once in a while)#(I like slice of life stuff I suppose and all this is too much haha I much prefer bsd wan honestly)#(itd probably be easier to just ignore the fandom or so)#(but its a bit difficult to do when I wanna see cool art and cool ideas too)#(I dont know)#(maybe bc I dont remember much from the manga but I dont feel as negative as others)#(sorry this was really long hahaha)#(I think I just dont want to feel alone again)#(though I dont have any mutuals so I guess I kinda already am haha)#(🌟🌟 it makes me happy if even one person likes my drawings or ideas)#(makes me feel like I can do it)#(and not feel so negative about something I quite enjoy!)
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Simple Reminder -
But if your Racist, Xenophobic, Homophobic, or just a plain asshole WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? This community isnt for you. Quackity made this server to unite cultures, languages and people together. It's not for you and never will be unless you look at yourself in the mirror, change and educate yourself. Until then don't interact with me or anyone else on this Tumblr, we're just gonna simply ignore you and move on b/c realistically you're just a person behind a screen writing hate b/c you hate your own life.
Also RP is RP, it's not REAL, stop taking it so realistically. If you are pls complain to yourself in the mirror like a normal person or take a break and calm yourself down instead of writing a hate comment.
Also for the people who need to take a break from all the Twitter Drama from the coming months. Go take a break king. You deserve it 💜
#qsmp#qsmp neg#qsmp discourse#sorry for thr rant i just woke up#just wanted to make myself clear about some things#again sorry to anyone who got affected by the twitter drama#i dont have twitter so i can just simply ignore it and move on#but if you do have twitter i pray you go and take a break or just simply delete the app#but whatever you choose thats fine with me#its your choose anyways#also this kinda but also doesnt have to do with what happened while i was asleep#it mainly has to do with Twitter drama in a nutshell#also sorry for complaining i guess i didnt mean to make anyone uncomfortable#im just tired#anyways hope you all have a good day/afternoon/night#also if you wanna complain either complain to yourself or on Twitter#thats what the app is used for anyways
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favorite single and why?
hmmmm gonna be honest, I'm not a huge fan of the singles. I like the idea of TIME 2, but it feels almost like the unfinished start of Sophie's House. I don't know if I've ever chosen to go listen to it, but I have played it along with other songs in a mix. Maybe Subliminal? I like the sound of it. When it came out I listened to it on loop a bit.
#thanks for the ask!#ask#text#answer#sorry that uh this ask is so much less of an answer than the others sgsldhglsd#i just don't listen to those as much. id be curious to hear what is your favorite tho#oh there was also the other version of nobody and uh :/ i wasn't a fan rip#but i dont wanna get very negative so yeah
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we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.
also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself
now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.
i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.
having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)
feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.
the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.
for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.
DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.
#dissociative identity disorder#actually dissociative#tired of the “oh you have to be in constant agony from DID to have DID” posts its so invalidating tbh#like im sorry having DID is so bad for you but theres people with DID who dont have it as bad and theyre just as valid#people always spread negativity about DID when people with it wanna distract from their suffering and the “oh poor me” posts dont help much#it forces DID systems who dont suffer because of it 24/7 to think theyre faking and that makes them exaggerate symptoms#man the online DID community is toxic
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As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.
#speculation nation#bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!!#well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol)#but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad.#i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning)#he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay#but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and#thats my dad. Thats my Dad.#im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go#dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone#so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant.#and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one?#take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say.#but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did.#seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him.#makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me#we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad.#sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today.#negative/#death/#hospitals ment/#idfk. sorry
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