#sometimes EARLY early mornings

[britneyshakespeare]

being someone who can't fall asleep OR stay asleep is a one-two punch of misery. it'll be like yeah i took multiple sleep aids and i only slept a couple hours last night. been awake since 3. why you ask? someone in my house got up to go to the bathroom. and how am i supposed to sleep after such a disturbance?

[meta-squash]

I think two of the most important things about Jack Harkness, two things that inform almost everything he does and the choices he makes, are this: that he is a soldier NOT a leader, and that his entire life since childhood has been awash in survivor's guilt (and his whole existence after becoming immortal is an even more extreme version of survivor's guilt).

Jack is not a natural leader. He can think on the fly and he's good at getting people to listen to him, but he's not good at control, or at being objective. He's a natural second in command, he's a soldier. He was brought up to do what other people told him to, and to improvise if he had to (Time Agency, etc). But I really don't think he wants to be the leader of Torchwood. Unfortunately, everything about him means that he has to be. He knows from experience that others having control over him is dangerous, others knowing about his immortality while he's a subordinate to them is dangerous, and he also knows that his own immortality gives him an advantage as a leader. But I don't think he's good at leading. He tries to be. But he's fumbling along, in a time period he's not native to and a planet he's not native to and an unfathomable lifespan, and as charming as he is I think he's often not good with people. He's detached where he should be personal and emotional where he should be detached (or at least more level-headed). He's often too extreme or not harsh enough when it comes to things like discipline or dealing with the problems/traumas/mistakes of his employees or even civilians. He can't handle his employees seeing him uncertain/vulnerable and it makes for huge problems over and over again.

But all of this does make sense because I think in the back of Jack's mind there's always this wheel spinning, these gears turning and turning and calculating the impact and trauma each of his actions or decisions or the events around him are going to have on his own emotions for far longer than normal humans tend to consider. Because the catalyst for any part of the life we see him leading is survivor's guilt. He lost his father and his brother on the same day, joined the military and lost his best friend, joined the Time Agency and lost his memories (and maybe thinks he did something terrible). Then he died, and when Rose brought him back, he was all alone on the satellite with nothing but the corpses of the people who had fought beside him and zero explanation as to why he survived, and he had lost Rose and the Doctor besides. And then all his life on earth since, he has lost coworkers and lovers and civilians he tried and failed to save and probably also aliens he tried and failed to save. And I think by the time he becomes reluctant leader of Torchwood, every action is, whether conscious or subconscious, taken with the intent of minimizing that kind of trauma and the impact of loss.

Except that I think that the survivor's guilt has another layer to it, which is that feeling of needing to sacrifice or absolve himself in some way. No one else is willing to make the difficult decisions, no one else will move forward with the painful and unpleasant actions, even if there's no other way, even though they will someday perish and no longer see the ripples of their actions. But Jack - who cannot die, who must live with the guilt or the pain or the trauma of those actions and decisions for the rest of his very very very long life - is the one who realizes that he must take on those painful responsibilities and must do certain things even though they're terrible, because it ends up being the sacrifice of one over the whole world. And every single time, he's guilty about it, and that makes him want even more to sacrifice his own hurt for the grief and loss of others.

So it's this strange cycle of wanting to protect himself from hurt and from loss and from the survivor's guilt, but being driven by guilt towards painful and/or self-sacrificing actions. Which then makes him fear being seen as vulnerable or uncertain, and he struggles to do things on a smaller scale or in a more level-headed way, because he's not supposed to be leading like this, it's not something that comes naturally, and if he makes emotional connections by being a leader, he'll end up trapped in survivor's guilt yet again each time one of his employees or friends or lovers dies.

It's just a terrible cycle and he's trapped in it for the rest of his existence. Although if he really is the Face Of Boe, then I imagine at some point he eventually finds peace with it all or something, but I think so long as he has a human-form he's stuck with this cycle of leadership and loss and sacrifice and mistakes.

I think it's really important that Jack is not good at his job as a leader. He makes a ton of mistakes, he fucks up so much and his employees or even civilians end up collateral damage, whether physically or just emotionally. He wants to be a good leader, I think, and he's trying, but he's fallible, and he's a stranger in literally every sense, and I think a really big part of his character is that he constantly is forced to live in this bizarre dichotomy where he has to be both very distant and cold and detached, and also very emotional and intense and personal. And any other person would collapse under the stress of repeating that over and over and over again for decades, but he has to figure out how to navigate this weight as an infinite existence that can't ever collapse or let it burn him up and kill him.

[fullscoreshenanigans]

I headcanon that at first Ray is adamantly against the use of nicknames and pet names for himself because he thinks it's silly.

"My name is Ray. It's literally three letters and one syllable long. Just call me Ray."

But Emma can't let that stand. She has "sunshine" and "Em," Norman has "Nor," "Norm," and "Boss."

So her proposed solution is for Ray to change his name so that "Ray" can be a nickname and show of affection. Ray balks at the suggestions she litters throughout their conversations, addressing him as Raymond, Rayner, even Raybert at one point.

Norman is more deft in his timing so the first time he drops a "Raymond" during one of their chess matches he ends up on the receiving end of Ray channeling Isabella with this look

He does eventually come around to them calling him Sunray.

[elfsyellowflowerzart]

take two of yesterdays little doodle, using the ref this time

[emotinalsupportturtle]

Does anyone think of that moment when Tony and Cameron are literally in bed and he’s so upset about Declan leaving and she says “I knew you and Declan weren’t going to work out you’re too similar”

like leave Cameron alone and go fuck that old man Tony. We know you want to

[kevin-the-bruyne]

ANON I AM SCREAMING I CANT BELIEVE YOU SENT ME AN ASK ABOUT THE VIDEO

you dont understand there's no give me your delulu thoughts about this I am straight up just writing fanfic and not just any fanfic THE fanfic my FK canon universe that ive been chipping away at for years HELPPPPP

[intotheelliwoods]

if I had a nickel for each rottmnt trend I set I would have 3 damn shiny nickels

[alackofghosts]

they're so silly 🥹

[ateriblewriter]

"just go." the overwhelming fear of potentially hurting you took ahold of him and a strange feeling of panic pain hit him in the back of throat as the words left his mouth.

luke hughes often got this intrusive thought when picturing the future the two of you could possibly share together, he just never expressed it in verbal form. he thought he could get a handle on it, control the fear and maybe he could conquer it.

"what have i done wrong? please luke." your mind rakes through all the memories, sifting through all the happy times and the bad ones, trying to figure out why he ask you to do that. nothing came up.

"nothing. absolutely nothing." he took a shaky breath in through his nose, holding it in his lungs for a moment before letting the carbon dioxide exit the same way the oxygen entered.

"then why?" tears were starting to form on the water line of your eyes. you go to wipe them away but they appear back in a matter of seconds.

he loved you so much he was afraid he was going to hurt you. little did he realize that what he was doing now hurt you more than anything.

"because i love you." he whispered to no one in particular as he watched you walk out of his life when he didn't respond to the your previous line of questioning.

[zytes]

tantric meditations at the cat piss factory (do not back off)

[battleram-skirmisher-fr]

My impulsively bought obie grew up, so now they are dressed!

[crmsnmth]

Sometimes

Sometimes I dream up situations where our paths happen to cross once again And each time it plays out differently but it's almost always exactly the same And by the end I get so distracted And the speeches had mean nothing in my head

Sometimes I yell at you Sometimes I tell you to just go It's always standing up to you in my own way Telling exactly what you were the start of I can pick out the exact date the flip switched And you always say you don't remember

And that just upsets me even more A date so significant to me And it's meaning absolutely nothing to you Parallels of the relationship we shared You were the very love of my life And I was just warmth during winter

Sometimes I break right here and I blame every single thing on you I would be someone different if it wasn't for you

And those words hit me like a hammer to the chest Would I want to be different person? Would I want to to ride a different life? No. I don't think I do.

Sometimes I always forgive you And sometimes I turn and walk away

[arrowmaker15]

(The kitchen the morning after Halloween)

Tim, downing his eight cup of coffee that morning despite it being only seven in the morning: Morning, Dick.

Dick: Morning, Timmy! How was your night after we got back?

Tim: Shh, Damian isn't awake yet.

Damian: Wrong once more, Drake.

Tim: Damn...

Jason, dragging his feet into the kitchen: Shut up. It's too early for this. And we gotta be up until tonight so we can patrol. Dumbasses...

Dick: How was your night, Jaybird?

Steph, trotting into the room: We got back and he couldn't keep his hands off of me! Best sex we've ever had.

Tim, spitting his coffee out: Steph!

[shewhoeatssand]

they are similar

[laseratingfist]

at first i was going to write a post about the parallels between Belobog's storyline and the russian scifi novel Roadside Picnic (directly referenced in a readable found in the Administrative District) but I got distracted.... by this....

from the readable "Oratorio 'Supreme Guardian' Premiere Spectacular" .... the main thing to be gained from this readable, is later on in it (this is just the first paragraph) for how Cocolia acted in public. interesting stuff! however! that was not what I first noticed....

I think with this (and another readable article from the Crystal Daily) we can safely assume that it is a real news source, and Sampo was simply posing as a journalist. now I am wondering if Brughel is a real lady that Sampo is pretending to be, or if she's fabricated? is Sampo's 4th character story him in character as Brughel, or is that the real lady?

[frenzyarts]

I have so many photos of Telly queued 👀 I can’t stop doing photo shoots of her she’s too cute 😅💕

Btw speaking of queues if you ever see me posting before 10am pst it’s almost always a queued post because I’m either not awake at that time or not coherent enough to want to write a post. Zero percent a morning person lol