#someone that is a collection of the memories you have of them

[hextechmadelesbians]

Caitlyns path to destruction is really intresting in how it shows how people get pushed in to extremist thinking via grief and fear.

Historically speaking, the way fascist movements gain followers is by preying on those who have suffered recent tragedy or trauma (often as a result to social injustices or soical unrest) and basically use it to create a common false enemy. They take complex problems and emotions and say "all your problems can go away if we just get rid of those guys." This is particularly effective against dominate social groups who have almost always already been socially conditioned to think lesser of marginalised groups, whether or not they consciously realize it or not.

Caitlyn was learning the inherit injustices done by piltover and was trying to fix things by using her connections to the council. And even then when everything went to shit cause of jinx she still defended the people of Zaun. She even admitted to jayce that she understands why people are so quick to hate them all cause she was starting to feel that way, and at that point she was able to acknowledge and address it.

But then the attack at the memorial seems to confirm those negeative beliefs. For as much as caitlyn was sympathetic to the zaunites she seems to have had this idea that if you get rid of silco and jinx then suddenly all their problems will dissappear. But with an attack that had nothing to do with either of them, and with her preexsisting implicit bias, shes left with no one to blame but the collective.

Theres also the whole thing regarding the whole "i had the shot" issue. Caitlyn feels personally responsible for her mothers death because she didn't take out Jinx when she had the chance, all because Vi asked her not to. This mixed with her implicit bias becoming exceedingly more explicit, makes for a dangerous concoction for someone very open for extremist messaging.

(Sidenote: This isnt the first we've seen this in the show, back in act 3 Jayce did something very similar with the whole "you didnt tell me they were from the undercity" "im from the undercity" conversation with viktor)

This is also the thing that causes her to ultimately betray Vi, because once again she stopped her from taking the shot that she believes would of solved everything. Not only that but while Vi isnt necessarily wrong by comparing Caitlyn's actions to Jinx, saying it that way outloud was not the correct move qnd i think its what ultimately led Caitlyn to hitting her. Comparing Caitlyn to the person who murdered her mother, regardless of how true it is, was never gonna get a level headed response. Mixed with her growing fear of Zaunites now effecting how she sees Vi, it was inevitable she was going to do something impulsive shes gonna regret.

Cutting ties with Vi is also in itself going to bite her later because Vi was both her only remaining emotional rock and the one whos willing to openly criticise her. Vi will tell Caitlyn when she thinks shes wrong or doing something stupid which helps keep Caitlyn grounded. With her gone theres not really anyone who she trusts to stop her from doing something apprehensive.

This has all primed her to be the perfect target for Ambessa Maddarda, because shes emotionally impulsive enough to take rash action and vulnerable enough to manipulate, She now has access to the most powerful vassel she could hope to get (especially since Mel told her to fuck off). Ambessa has the power to manipulate the situation to make Caitlyn feel more and more justified in her paranoia of Zaunites and Ambessa can act like a yes man to all her worst impulses. Shes already fed into Caitlyns sense of personal responsibility for the council blowing up, immediately telling her that her mother will be avenged.

If im honest im not sure how Caitlyn is gonna come back from this one, i absolutely think shes gonna back out sooner than later much like jayce did. (Honestly she parallels S1 Jayce a lot which is why its kind of surprising to see people react to her going down this route with so much more vitriol than with Jayce.) Its definitely going happen but the question is if Ambessa will ever coerce her into staying in the hot seat or if she'll straight up try to kill her.

Either way this is going to be an extremely entertaining train wreck to watch.

[unsoundedcomic]

Seeing bunch of memories making Roger and knowing it will be split in a bunch of parts when it enters the khert has made me wonder, when does an individual memory begins and when does it end? How long does a memory last? You have a squish for every day of your life? Or does it begin to exist just when a interesting event occurs, you know like something worth taping on film (or something bad in case of an eel), would someone with an extremely dull life have less memories?

The soul that enters the khert is all the memories of a person's life, and those memories crack along fault lines of emotion. There are lots of different emotions, but the chunks that stick together tend to be poslitively aligned, negatively aligned, or neutrally aligned. Neutral memories are by faaaar the biggest chunks. All those long and spiralling days of routine and distraction that we hardly consciously remember at all. These memories are as eternal as any other, but they settle into the khert and form its infinite structures. All those fractal whorls and whirls. They don't rise up. They don't DO anything.

Significantly positive and negative memories are much rarer, and have the potential to form a will. They don't settle into the ground with the rest, but rise up like soda bubbles. Hugging someone you haven't seen in a while. The birth of a child. A fun night out dancing and drinking with friends. A good time in bed.

Squishes swim the khert in search of these little nuggets and they collect them and devour them and join with them. A single khert squish is almost never just one person's happy memories - it's thousands of memories. Eels are exactly the same.

The size of any individual memory is hard to determine. Sometimes even a whole similarly charged event has too many cracks in it, and crumbles. This is why Lady Ilganyag or any other person trying to find these memories has so much difficulty. They just do not stick together.

[hera-arii]

I always felt the gods here with me throughout my life, even before I started worshipping them.

When there was a thunderstorm I would go to the window and bask in the embrace of the lightning, beautiful and spectacular I thought it was. The comforting sound and feeling of the storm was calming to me.

That was King Zeus with me, giving me a sense of peace when others wouldn’t feel it.

The feeling of parental instinct when a child is in need. Wanting to make your family proud and trying your best to be strong, for them. Doing whatever you have to do so everyone in your life is safe.

That was Queen Hera with me, protecting me and others.

Going to the beach and collecting seashells. Splashing in the water with my loved ones, finding new rocks and walking along the seashore, smelling the salty sea breeze, it’s amazing.

That’s Poseidon with me, showing me the beauty of the sea.

Thinking about the loved ones that passed. Having them in my memories and feeling their presence here even though they aren’t.

Thats Hades with me, remembering the past.

Taking care of the Earth. Cooking your meals by yourself. Being grateful for your belongings and food. Respecting others and willing to do anything for your loved ones, and keeping them safe.

That’s Demeter with me, caring and understanding.

Learning. Making sure your studies are fufilled. Being a strategist and using your brain before doing. Trying extra hard to pass your classes. Wanting peace between war.

That’s Athena with me, reminding me to try my best.

Loving. Giving my friends the love they deserve. Always trying to make them happy, even if im upset that day. Trying to love my family even when they make me feel negative about myself.

That’s Aphrodite with me, loving unconditionally.

Losing my temper, controlling my temper, feeling strong emotions. When I get mad I can’t even think. So angry I might start a war. Standing up for what I believe in. Making myself known.

That’s Ares with me, and my emotions.

Feeling the sun heal my soul. Using music as an escape from reality. Guiding me throughout the day with the light that shines in the darkest parts of me. Healing myself.

That’s Apollo with me, using his light to save me.

Watching the moon glow at night. Hunting for my purpose in life, and learning new things. Archery. I hold the bow high, aim, and shoot. It’s easy for me because of her. She showed me the way.

That’s Artemis with me, guiding me throughout the night.

That feeling when you built something by yourself. It’s so amazing, like you can do anything else, and you seem powerful for once. The best thing you can feel. Pride.

That’s Hephaestus with me, building my pride.

The warmth you feel in your heart when you are in your room. It’s the happiness of being in control of yourself. Being hospitable towards others.

That’s Hestia with me, warming my heart.

Having fun. Doing what you love. Dramatizing yourself and being playful with others. Always leading with what you want to do. Making time for your passions.

That’s Dionysus with me, reminding me to have fun.

Traveling. Doing new things. Trying to find new passions. Not be afraid of getting in a little trouble. Playing pranks and games with people you love. Getting to act like a kid again.

That’s Hermes with me, making sure my childish needs are filled.

Dreaming. Imagining yourself in a different way. Seeing the beauty of another life. Being someone else entirely, you can do anything. Nothing can limit you now. The feeling of being cradled to sleep like a baby. The care you are being handled with.

That’s Hypnos with you, and in your dreams

They were always with me, and now im with them.

[jiraivampdoll]

jirai to me...? this won't be for everyone. some of these might seem too surrealist to be about anything but I promise they very much are deeper than just "trippy dreamscape". if you love abstraction (like me) you'll probably know these movies. if you don't enjoy the bizzare, I've included some here that are straightforward. cw for gore, suicide, abuse, rape and exploitation. much love fellow landmines, take care of yourself please. though i personally loooove watching movies that hurt me because it's how i feel alive

TAG (Real Onigokko or Riaru Onigokko) 2015 is a subtle movie about rape, sexual exploitation, lack of access to abortion and suicide. these are themes and not overt depictions, but it is VERY graphic (gore)

it had to be subtle because it is taboo to talk about. it is a wild adaptation of a book (Riaru Onigokko) and is hardly related to the book and therefore the other film adaptations of the book as it's interested in exploring a different thesis and was targeted at the sort of men who enjoyed the original novel & movie adaptions. it's sort of surrealist and therefore confusing, but it is definitely talking about very important shit.

Perfect Blue (Pâfekuto Burû) this movie created Black Swan. Black Swan is a Westernization of Perfect Blue. I have SO MUCH to say about this movie, PB is one of my top 3 fav of all time, but I refuse to clog this post up with too much babbling. cw for rape depicted. this movie is about dealing with trauma via dissociation, not a choice (as it isn't) but as a mechanism for surviving horrific events.

Paprika (Papurika) 2006. if you can't handle Perfect Blue, please do not watch Paprika. it's PB on hardmode. Paprika is about the psychiatric institution and it's politics, as well as trauma (dissociation) repressed memories and the ideal self vs the actual self. if you like SEL (Serial Experiments Lain) you may enjoy Paprika. it is very abstract (like PB) but still very on the nose.

Pearl. This movie wouldn't exist without Perfect Blue, but it is a whole separate beast. It's SO good. this is about dealing with an abusive mother, with allusions to an incestuous father. as someone with both & as a result, many mental health conditions, Pearl feels like a VERY BPD & maladaptive daydreaming disorder character. some argue that she's not, it's all interpersonal/interpretation, so if she isn't to you, that's cool.

Black Swan. the Perfect Blue adaptation you've seen everywhere on tumblr, and likely even seen. it's a tamer version of PB and less surrealist, but still dealing with the same topics and even some new ones (sexploitation in ballet, repressed homosexuality) as a former ballet dancer, I really love this movie. it speaks to me.

Hard Candy. this movie is everything to me, but a bit too much for most. cw for pedophilia, child sexually exploitive material, sexual abuse of children and suicide. this is a revenge film. as a victim of CSEM and childhood sexual exploitation and abuse, I love this movie. it's so fucking satisfying.

please feel free to send me asks or DMs about movies, I'm a huge movie watcher as I love analyzing the themes in art. to date I've seen thousands of movies. international, Hollywood blockbuster, indie, horror to slice of life, I love movies and I collect them as a hobby. if you want a more thorough dissection of these or any other movies I recommend, drop by and chat because I have so many movie recs that aren't really jirai but are adjacent!

jirai media recommendations (feel free 2 suggest more)

some r still ongoing btw

-Young Adult Matters

movie (2021)

tw: sh, substance abuse, bullying, violence, gore, prostitution, death, sa, homelessness, sexual content, abuse, profanity, unwanted pregnancy (prob more im forgetting)

-Tomorrow I’m gonna be someone’s girlfriend

manga (2019-2024) and tv show (2022-2023)

tw: sh, profanity, sexual content, violence, substance abuse (again prob more im forgetting)

-Kairiki Bear

musician

song suggestions: darling dance, bug, failure girl, villain

-Isana

musician

song suggestions: Menhera Janai Mon!, Loved Smoothie

-Sensitive Boy

manga (2022-2024)

tw: sexual themes, sa, sh, violence (prob more i still need 2 read it ngl)

-Sentimental Death Loop

video game (2023)

tw: death, partial nudity, sexual themes, profanity, sh, suicide, violence, gore,

-Needy Streamer Overload

game (2022)

tw: sh, sexual themes, violence, substance abuse, blood, profanity, death, cults, vomiting (prob more that im forgetting)

-Strawberry Painkiller

musician

song suggestions: Bloodsucking Dreams, Grave Skull, Thousand Knives, Sugar Truth, Pharmakeia

-Candye Syrup

musician

song suggestions: idol of death, sweet suicide, C♡S.I.S

-Hookah Haze

game (2024)

tw: death, terminal illness, stalking, substance abuse (its just hookah im pretty sure but still gonna include the warning lmao)

-Magical Girl Site

anime (2018) and manga (2014-2019)

tw: bullying, violence, suicide, abuse, blood (prob more i havent finished it)

feel free 2 suggest more! out of all of these i suggest young adult matters, kairiki bear, nso, and strawberry painkiller the most!

[dailysubwaybossemmet]

day 139

[whatudottu]

What better way to practice new prosthetics then to piss of the bitch that got you to need them in the first place!

In other news, my pirate ocs Gali and Ido (with a third Meridi not present) who are the two sides of the fulmini cult escapees :P

A bit of backstory under the cut since they're the only fuckers I have WITH a backstory! Which btw does detail cult shit so :P big fat warning for that-

The inciting incident on Petropia that introduced it's modern underground population to the surface named the Surface Craze was in all due part because of fulmini interference at the behest of the High Override, who saw what was initially just a planet entirely made of quartz-like crystal the Override Fleet could use as a power source. Having instead found that the planet was not only populated but by a species of the living variant of that same quartz-like material - electrical properties and all - but that additionally they can regenerate their crystalline body so long as they have the energy to pull from.

Seeing this as a solution to the fulmini's energy crisis - a perpetual machine at it's finest - the High Override sought to heh... acquire some petrosapiens for themselves. To their collective benefit, a community of petrosapiens had found their faith and world shattered, previously having been extremely devoted to the Sugi religion (derived from the ancient texts of Thuugi back when their tongues were long enough to be bitten off). Instead of needing to drag away dissenters who fought tooth and nail against the invaders, this community had already shifted their faith onto the false prophet of the High Override, which already had them fall into the Coupled Override head over heels.

The cult has now expanded it's pool of prey, and like the unwilling fulmini who gives the High Override their tithe (their minds, their central colony), the petrosapien cultists pay with their arms.

50 years (or the closest equivalent) into this arrangement, 50 years Petropia spent experiencing the surface for the first time in generations, Ido was born into the cult far away from the planet she should have known as home. Any doctor worth their salt had enough brains and stubbornness to not fall into faith-based trust of the Coupled Override, so between the lack of those and the remainder pseudoscience physicians left to echo chamber themselves, when Ido began developing Excessive Compression Disorder (ECD, a nerve-equivalent disorder that causes tension fractures throughout a petrosapien's crystalline structure) despite the rather obvious visible signed she went undiagnosed and improperly treated. At the age of 200 - a petrosapien's coming of age, and 50 years after Petropia's destruction - it was Ido's time to pay her tithe and begin her offerings to the High Override.

Gali - her sacrifricant - was to sever her arms below the elbow, as was procedure. What wasn't was the near explosive response from external pressure, or the last compressive force needed to completely shatter what had already started to break.

Cutting people's arms off is technically already a violent act however, though the lower arms survived the procedure as expected, the elbow and even upper arm had scattered shards of glass-fragile crystal in a visceral radius and physically severed through the sacrificant's central colony; then Gali was abruptly severed from the High Override after they felt as if a limb began necrotising. Sacrificants nor executioners really need an active memory to do their jobs, so Gali didn't need to have memory for however long their colony was one with the High Override's. Forcefully amputated from the larger system like an infection without any of the memories of being apart of said system however, kind of rewinds a colony back to the people they remember being long before any interference.

While Ido was caught staring wide-eyed, fearful, and newly lacking the limbs she thought she could regenerate easily - her arms try and try but they shatter like glass, crumble like sand, and she violently shudders like gravel grinding into each other - Gali regained access of their long unused senses and found a sea of hostile enemy combatants staring back. With all the training of a military general with none of the present self-awareness to realise they were the cause of the currently very panicky rock's lack of arms, Gali almost like a flick of a switch reverted to the many rules of engagement regardless of the fact that they were sporting exposed central colony that may or may not have been another's with their own collection of memories.

Seeing to rescue someone who had all their rights to fear them, Gali and Ido fled to the stars.

With a few language barriers mixed with someones learning they haven't spoken much longer then anyone thought they did, discovering how planets that were meant to be each other's home have been destroyed and irrecoverable, and learning the before and after to the horror story that is the High Override and their cultist network of external nerves and collective colony, Gali and Ido may or may not have gotten arrested :P

And they probably would have been tried for crimes neither of them could particularly understand not having learnt any of the common universal languages, up until the point the prison ship was raided by a collective of pirates only working together for equal cuts of the profits (the Plumbers used a prison ship to transport the Annihilargh while they still thought it to be a threat, what's to say they wouldn't simultaneaously transport prisoners - aka, the fucking point - with some high sought-after McGuffin). The pair would meet Meridi, a galvan with a penchant for mechanics and especially the kind that deceives an observer like - for instance - an android suit.

Meridi isn't here but gist is, she pilots both her own ship and an android resembling a human, and spies a pretty prize of walking talking taydenite. Instead of scoring a deal, she takes into consideration (perhaps with a cold calculation rather than a warm sympathy) the condition of ECD affected crystals and how much effort it would take to actually refine it and deems turning Ido into pocket change isn't worth it. In fact, further taking note of the explosive volatile footwork of crystallokinesis with the additional muscle of a fulmini veteran, actively helping Ido (and Gali by proxy) would potentially turn out more of a profit.

Gali isn't in dire need for hiding, but Ido uses shadow and a human-mouth jaw mask as tools to conceal what price her skin costs, while Meridi attempts to make prosthetics for a species that doesn't have nerves that also takes into account the unstable electrical currents produced by the compression of crystalline motor functions.

A bit of a tangent in a very long not-even-bothering-to-summarize backstory, I want to talk about petrosapien prosthetics, at least ones that can have 'motors' like Ido's arms (not like Chio's leg). With no external muscles to help strap in and extend the remnant of tendons humans have running through limbs, petrosapien exoskeletons do not offer the same interconnectivity and do not have easy ways to extend what had been cut off. Myoelectric limbs again by human standards also do not fit petrosapien nervous systems either, especially since the only nerves they have are in their equivalent of the central nervous system which also interacts with internal organs, the peripheral nervous system of a petrosapien operates with the highly structured yet individually unique non-standardised crystalline formations and compression. What Meridi does however is take material from Ido's crystal to create the joints in a conductive copper rod prosthetic (insulated in rubber to prevent harm to others), where Ido's compression triggers electricity to run down to remotely compress the crystal joints, which compress under the pressures of electricity and send the signal to be compressed again until motility is achieved.

And that is a lot of context :P woops- I either make no backstory or I make this convoluted piece of moving puzzle pieces, the duality of man I suppose :P

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

[adlibitur]

sometimes i have to stop myself from retelling other peoples funny stories because they live so fondly in my own memory

[gallusrostromegalus]

Move To A Darker Place

This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.

---

Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.

My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God.  He taught himself how to use his smartphone.  Internationally.

So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.

It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity. 

“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”

The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.

a.k.a: A Selfie.

“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.

Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.

“Oh. You should have said so.”  Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.

Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.

“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid.  My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.

Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution:  He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.

But I digress.

After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.

And here is where the real trouble began.

See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose.  While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.

He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada.  He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.

He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.

She looked back at him, and farted.

“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her. 

She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.

So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.

The System thought about it for a few moments.

Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.

“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”

He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.

“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.

Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System.  It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”.  He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.

As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.

“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.

“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.

Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room.  It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds.  Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.

“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled. 

“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.

Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.

“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan.  With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.

This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.

“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted.  The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.

Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.

“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.

He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone. 

“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.  

Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape.  She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.

“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.

To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!

“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”

---

I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.

It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times.  Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System.  It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.

“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy!  My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year.  I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”

He handed me the image.

My father was, technically, in the image.  A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair.  Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.

“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”

“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing). 

“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”

Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked  car?” he asked suspiciously.

“The very same.” Dad grinned.

“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”

---

I'm a disabled artist making my living writing these stories. If you enjoy my stories, please consider supporting me on Ko-fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Book on Patreon. Thank you!

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

One of the rock hounding youtubers i watch did a video putting marbles into her rock tumbler

Which makes me miss the marble collection I used to have

And like on one hand the fact that I lost my marble collection has given me great comedic opportunity to be able to say I lost my marbles and mean it completely literally

Seeing all the marbles she got on Amazon made me want to try collecting marbles again

And I was looking on Amazon and then was like "wait. I bet etsy has some cool ones"

????????? Oh shit?????

FUCKIN TINY ONES?????

Aquarius themed?????

Ok this ones fuckin expensive but????? Holy shit?????

MOTHER FUCKIN BUBBLE MARBLES??????

GALAXY MARBLES????

This isnt even all the ones I screenshotted

I want them all

[cntloup]

Ex-Husband!Simon HCs

MDNI Fem!Reader slight NSFW

He still checks up on you regularly, making sure you're living comfortably and in peace. He tells you that you can count on him with anything you may need; you need someone to pick you up, grocery shopping, repairs, absolutely anything. He's just one call away.

He gives you some information and phone numbers; who to call in case something happens when he's on deployment. He constantly worries for your safety. He has installed a security system in your home and taught you how it works.

If you have kids, he picks them up three times a week and takes them hiking and teaches them about nature and tips on how to survive there, if they're old enough. But if they're younger, they go to amusement parks or spend the day at his home with coloring books (Simon's face and sleeve tattoos) and play-fighting. Then he brings them back to you with permanent marker stains on his face and glitter all over him as you try to stifle a laugh.

His heart shatters if he hears that you're with someone else, but he maintains a calm and collected exterior so as not to upset you, also he knows that it's not his place to mention his opinion. So he tries to pick up the pieces alone again and again...

He's always a shoulder to cry on if you ever need one. Or if a situation makes you nervous and you need someone by your side, he's always there for you. He takes you to all your doctor appointments if you ask him and stays with you until it's finished. If anyone ever tries anything with you or disrespects you, they answer to him.

He always opens the doors for you and helps you with the stuff on the top shelves. And if you both reach for something at the same time, your hands touching, his touch lingers, eyes burning with longing and deep sorrow as he glances at you.

He kept all the photos you sent him when he was gone on deployments. He palms his aching throbbing cock through his sweatpants as he looks at your dirty photos through half-lidded eyes. The photos which you both took together, or you took alone while touching your pretty pussy which was weeping for his thick veiny cock.

He jerks off to the thought of your soft lovely lips wrapped around his length or your tight warm walls engulfing him, your moaned-out name falling from his lips as he spills his warm sticky cum in his palm.

He feels you're so incredibly close, yet so devastatingly far. Several times, he came close to saying that he still loves you only to back out at the last moment.

He spends most of his nights reminiscing all his memories of you and shedding tears of despair as he stares at your wedding photos and listens to your voicemails over and over again with a half-empty bottle of whiskey in hand, thinking of what could have been.

comments/reblogs are greatly appreciated ♥ 

[the-tarot-witch22]

How your future spouse will treat you - Pick a Pile

Pile 1/ Pile 2/ Pile 3

Liked my blog or readings? Tip me! | My Paid Readings

Hello everyone ! This is my another pick a pile or pac reading so please be kind and leave comment or reblog, and let me know if it resonated with you!

Note : This is a general reading or collective reading. It may or may not resonate with you. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn't. And it's totally okay if our energies aren't aligned!

How to pick : Take a deep breath and choose a pile which you feel most connected to! You can choose more than one pile, it just means both pile have messages for you!

I worked really hard on this pile please show some love by leaving comments, likes and reblogs!

Pile 1:

(The cards I got for you guys - 2 of swords, king of pentacles, 5 of swords, ace of cups, 7 of pentacles, ace of wands, 10 of swords, judgement and 9 of pentacles)

Okay so the first thing i feel is they will treat you like a princess you are, they way you deserve to be treated. By listening to you, by treating your inner child, doing things for you, giving your surprises. For some of you who chose this pile there is anxious or nervous energy, like you don't actually believe you could be treated or loved this way, sometimes you end up choosing the path which is difficult or has difficulty in decision making, I also heard some of you waiting or still waiting for their loved one even if they don't show it, this is just feeling i got when i started doing your reading. Okay so let's talk about your cards, I feel they will have quite many decisions to make about you, like what do you need what do you actually want, how can they prepare things for you i also see them being confused just because they want to give you the best, some of the surprises they plan is hidden but i tried to channel it, it could be necklaces jewelry, or some expensive things planning trips for you, I also feel they will blindfold you a lot while they give you gifts, or surprises just to see your happy expression, honestly? they love that. I also feel they like fine things in their life and will give that to you as well, their love language is def gift giving and act of services, they will make the best of what they have, i heard "I will never disappoint you, darling", your love for me and everything you do for me, i am just so grateful, you deserve the best", so sweet!, I also feel they will be like a kid around you, dping silly things, giving you memories and love to hold on to, honestly the way you want to be treated and loved, they seem determined to make you feel loved and the way you deserve, They will spoil you with riches, i heard gift so many times so cute, if you are sick? they will wash your hair or help you wash them, prepare soup for you, no matter if they know cooking or not, this pile or their future spouse might like to read too, they are honestly a softie at heart, but just cover it up well with their hard exterior persona, I see them making the decisions which will help you both, they will push you out of your comfort zone to do things you never thought of doing or just too scared to do, they will help you become the better version of yourself, showing the love in the way they can, i see a picture or thing where you both go out grocery shopping, and he will be like let me hold it, and you just pick things, and he will hold it for you, there also might be conflicts because of change in opinion or your some different beliefs but i feel he will be apologizing to you for making you feel that way. They will not disrespect you or make a joke that will break you but most likely they will support you if someone is disrespecting you? they won't tolerate they will stood up for you, or at least calm the situation, i heard "hopeless romantic" so it could be you or them for sure, they will make you feel at ease and peace, you inner child will be safe with them, you don't have to feel you have to do something to earn his attention it's already yours, "when i look at you or think of you the world seems to stop and I don't know what i can do to make myself at ease, i just wanna meet you now" the emotions , the love everything will flow easily, you might also be their passenger princess, they will hold on to you cherish you, put efforts in the love and relationship, they would not want to lose you and they will make sure you know, I also feel outside you are very respectful couples, but at home you are very freaky like tear off my clothes type, best combo honestly, they will make you feel more loved and confident in your own body, I strongly feel you both will go through ups and down but make it out stronger than ever, i heard "i will worship the ground you walk on". You both are emotionally and financially stable couples, communication is very important for you guys.

Wow pile 1, they kept giving me messages, so sweet, i love it!

Pile 2:

(The cards I got for you guys - 3 of cups, the chariot, the empress, page of cups and ace of swords)

Okay so the first thing i feel is they will treat you with utmost respect, even in bed or normal setting they will be treating you with such sincerity, they respect your wishes. I see them losing them in you. They are quite dominant or seductive, but also polite, they will be very soft spoken towards you, I also feel your relationship will be still playful, but with respect and boundaries and that's why i got the message of him being respectful towards you, I feel they will give you the things you desire the most and need, they will take care of health and even career wise, like asking if you are okay, is there new issues in your life regarding it, for some of you they would tell you to take it easy when you're distressed or not happy with what you have been doing, i feel they will try to motivate you, heal you, make you move forward towards the thing you wanna do , encourage you regarding your career or even personal life, they will be okay with whatever you do, as long as you are with them, they will trust you a lot too i feel, very it's super important in your life and with him, I feel he will be making sure you know that he have your back no matter what, i heard "my eyes won't leave you, no matter where you are you stay in my heart and head all the time, and it's not like i am complaining, I also feel they will be giving you baits to be with them more lol, like so you don't go to work and stay with them, their love language could be words of affirmation too, they will not let a single day go by that they won't show that to you, you will mean a lot to them, they will nurture you, you know a saying the more you cherish something they stay forever? that's kind of mindset they have, they won't like to be separated with you, they might also like to give you space, but also suffer because they wanna cling on to you so bad, very motherly vibe too, for some of you could be cancer moon? or you guys are, I also feel he will make sure you have eaten no matter how upset you are, check in with you, if you went to the hospital alone? and they were busy so they will call you and ask you what has happened are you okay, what did the doctor say, they don't or won't abandon you in any hardship you both go through, I also feel they are very young or pure hearted, they don't or won't make you upset or try not to, your anger with them, will only make them fall harder lol, so cute, with them you will see love, marriage and relationships with new perspective, maybe some of you have bad opinion on marriage, they will change that, i also feel they are very open minded and have good beliefs. I also see a situation where they text you every morning, and tell you how appreciative they are of you.

Pile 2, your future spouse, is a very loving and honest person, and they will make sure you feel loved everyday.

Pile 3:

(The cards I got for you guys - Ace of cups, 3 of wands, knight of wands, 6 of wands, 8 of pentacles and knight of cups)

Okay so i feel very playfully like so loving in a way, you saw in movies, opening the car gate for you? check? holding your hand while crossing the road? check. Winning things for you in fair or parks, also check. They will treat you like a freaking sweetheart so aggressive love too, but not in a hurting way, you guys have you seen the video where the guy piggyback his girl and say "you are my princess and queen" that's exactly what i channeled when i think about how your fs will treat you. He won't let you do things alone, helping you in every way he can, he might even tell you to don't work so that he can provide you, he would want you to be stress free and at peace with him, i feel a scene where he plans movie nights at home with you, treat you with snack, his love language could be physical touch , he would like to kiss you a lot, a passionate energy from this pile, he is in tune or has a emotional side as well as dark passionate side in bed, you will be in a ride of your life with him, he will be also very protective of you in every way he can, he would not like men being friendly towards you, but honestly nothing in a bad way, more like you are mine type of energy lol, he would like to touch you a lot when you are outside, showing everyone you are with him, He won't let you fall apart again, when you tell him about your past or the relationships you have had he will hate it honestly, for how they treated you, he will even do so much after care after your intimate time with each other, very emotional and sincere, a package honestly, I also feel he will help you explore the hidden parts about yourself, he won't shame, even if you are in wrong, i see him supporting you, but will politely let you know you were wrong, i heard "when i love you, it's only you, no one else", there is some versatilities in your relationship but i see him and you respecting that and still being attracted to each other both emotionally and physically, he will treat you as you are a part of himself, doing things to make you happy like if you want to dance and he doesn't he still will do that, he wants to see you the happiest with him, it's funny how he sending me little nsfw messages for you guys like sir this ain't the right reading for it, but i am still gonna channel got to give you guys what your future spouse wants, no? hehe, I also feel he will sweep you off with his charm like everything even if you are cold hearted or believe in actions , he will just melt you lol, he will also be a very smooth talker, i feel musk scent for some reason?, he will admire you a lot, and treat you as a win, a charm for him, he feels he got lucky he got you and he will show it to you, he is also quite playful with you and likes to tease you but all in a good way, some people could be jealous of your and their dynamic too, for them you are the only one, and that's so loving and admirable, I also feel he will cook dinner for you if you got late from work or anywhere, so that you can rest without stress. They seem so gentle and caring with you.

Such a gentleman! love it for you pile 3.

Thank you for stopping by! Take care and remember you are loved <3

[hattedhedgehog]

My (spoiler-free) thoughts on Dragon Age: The Veilguard

The review embargo has lifted and I can officially say that I've played through Dragon Age: The Veilguard early! 

Here are my spoiler-free thoughts and personal opinions on the overall gameplay experience: 

Narrative:

Rook's dialogue and decisions impact SO MUCH of the game, and come into play later on. From companions remembering your beverage preferences, to whether someone you spared shows up later to help or harm you, it feels like the game is paying attention and that you matter.

The stakes are unbelievably high. The Evanuris are utterly terrifying villains, in ways that Corypheus wasn’t. You really feel the magnitude of their power on a personal level as well as a worldwide level.

Whatever your thoughts on him, Solas is FUN as a character. He’s fun to talk to, fun to talk strategy with, fun to rile up and verbally spar with and fun to grudgingly ally with. Now that he can drop his former act and appear to you as the Dread Wolf, and you get to see his memories, you and he team get to decide how to utilise his knowledge and how far your trust extends.

The setup and payoff of the story beats are absolutely superb. The emotional turmoil as a player of being ensnared by things that was foreshadowed earlier in the game is utterly exquisite. Every thread of the larger tapestry has been woven with so much love by the writing team, and every character’s arc tie into the larger story in interesting ways.

The characters feel like they have full lives outside of the player character. You frequently go exploring their home turf and can meet their friends and family. They interact with each other on their own and move about the Lighthouse to spend time together, leave notes for each other, and talk about each other even when the other isn’t there. The team feels like they all really care about each other as well as you. 

You can tell what your approval rating is with characters, but if you want to romance them you have to put some thought into it. Interactions and world events besides the heart on the dialogue wheel influence their attraction to you.

Gameplay:

The combat is very engaging, and I enjoyed how unique all the enemies were.

Abilities in the skill tree can be refunded so you can redirect to a different specialization, which is really handy if you’re indecisive and overwhelmed at first (like I get when choosing abilities).  Most companions can get healing abilities no matter what class, so you don’t have to worry about balancing your rogues/mages/warriors (most of the time).

Climbing, balancing on ledges, using ziplines and sliding down slopes made environments feel more immersive. Additionally I like how each companion has unique abilities that let them interact with the world (fixing mechanisms, breathing fire, summoning bridges from the Fade, etc), and learning their abilities alongside them helps you grow closer.

The wayfinder light makes everything feel streamlined, so it's way harder to get lost while exploring an area. I hardly had to look at the mini map at all, and usually I’m glued to it! This meant I could actually look around at the beautiful environments and appreciate how lively they were, even without NPCs.

The upgrade system is far less overwhelming than in Inquisition; there are a finite amount of weapons/armour/accessories to be found, which are designed for each specific character like in DA:O and DA:2. There's also no longer crafting from scratch. If you loot an item you already have, it automatically upgrades the single item rather than giving you duplicates.

You know that frustration of coming across higher-level armour that just isn’t as flattering as your current one? Not to worry, you can collect “appearances” which you can toggle on as the visual for the armour while still retaining the benefits of the original.

I cannot stress enough how simple and easy to use the inventory is. It's heavenly. 

Using the shops of specific cities increases your reputation within those cities, which is a good incentive to explore and use the shops. I usually hate in-world shopping but here it was simple, and thinking about it tactically worked pretty well.

Quests sometimes reach a point where you can't continue at your current place in the story, and must return to in later acts. When re-exploring familiar areas, everything feeling big enough to be fresh with each visit, and new loot and codex entires appear.

Edit: something I forgot to mention. In character creator, you get to make your Inquisitor after you make Rook. The build menus are all the same, so manage your energy accordingly for doing it all again immediately after for your Inky. I spent an hour and a half building my Rook and wanted to get right to playing, and had to re-wire my brain a bit to be patient and keep going with the CC. (Seeing my Inquisitor with new graphics was awesome though).

A couple little things I appreciated:

The control sounds are very pleasing. From the whoosh of opening the combat wheel to the clinking of upgrades to the subtle whir of holding the decision button, they're a nice touch.

If companions are interrupted in conversation by combat, they resume it afterwards with a "what were you saying before?".

Photo mode is so fun to play with, and you can adjust blur/brightness/lens/depth within the scene. You can also toggle on and off the visibility of your Rook, your party, NPCs and enemies!

Assan learns new interaction tricks at the Lighthouse as the game goes on.

Nitpicks:

Overall I had an incredibly positive experience. The gripes I had were tiny things like:

I genuinely like the new art style of the game as a whole. However, the blurriness of some of the features in contrast with some elements being very crisp was distracting.

When trying to sell valuables for faction points without using Sell All, it takes quite a long time to count up all the individual sales, and it isn't a live counter. So it's kind of annoying if you get +3 points for each item you sell, need 150 points to get the next tier of items, and over 10K worth of valuables that you want to sell to other factions. 

If you do lots of quests without returning to the Lighthouse often, occasionally companions at the Lighthouse will have dialogue pertaining to the quests you've just finished as if you haven't done them.

You can pet the dogs and cats in the cities, but Rook turns their back to the camera to do it and it blocks most of the action unless you rotate quickly.

Gender stuff:

I was incredibly moved that not only can Rook be trans/nonbinary in the character creator if you so choose, but they get options to feel differently about their identity and journey, and it impacts their dialogue and how they relate to other characters! To access this make sure to interact with Varric's Mirror in your room in the Lighthouse. There are many conversation options throughout the game to discuss your identity with other characters, or relate your change of self to other situations. Crucially, it comes up when entering a romance and you have to communicate with your partner about it, which I never even THOUGHT of including in a game because it seemed impossible to even allow trans main characters to begin with.

There are also multiple trans and nonbinary characters throughout Thedas. What I found the most realistic was that just like in life, it is a consistent presence in any character's life, and comes up in conversation more than once. I have never seen a game this forthcoming and open about the topic of transitioning, and it was so validating. 

Final thoughts:

I adore the other games in the franchise. Something about The Veilguard affected me in a way no other game has. I cried multiple times while playing this game, both from joy and sadness. What struck me most is that the people who worked on this game REALLY listened to feedback from previous games, and were very set on making a piece of art that meant something to people. Even during the last few years of me testing the game, things have been adjusted and changed in direct response to our reactions and suggestions. It's surreal and quite touching.

Mileage will vary, but my playthrough was 70 hours on very low difficulty and I haven't done every side quest yet. I could easily have spent more than 100 hours in the game if I wasn't pressed for time.

I hope you enjoy this game as much as I have. See you in Thedas.

[grubbyposting]

Collect shitty knives and used lighters. Carry one of each in your pocket, they’ll come in handy. Straight up who’s gonna stop you now? Pick up a balisong and learn some tricks, it’ll be so sick when you can show them to someone you really like later. Same with zippos, play around and see if you can flick it in a unique way, and make it muscle memory. Throw your keys and some useful shit on a carabiner and put it on your belt. Wallet chains too, you can’t deny how sick they are. Fuck, hop on a skateboard, the impact of the ground becomes cathartic when you remember what it’s all for. Listen to lots of music and develop lots of opinions on it, before you know it you’ll have a back catalogue of shit to talk to people about, and then you’ll suddenly be someone who has sick recommendations. You can also just be a bit of a hooligan, climb shit, jump on it, have so much visible, mischievous fun that it’s contagious. Wear really shitty smudgy makeup and OWN it, it’s so hot. Shoulder check your pals and smile at them cheekily, make special handshakes with them, doesn’t matter if you have “your boys”, play with whoever is near, don’t wait til it’s perfect and the time is right

You can just start doing stuff whenever you want

[inkskinned]

it is the first snow today. i think we should all have off work, even though it didn't stick. i think there should be 4 national holidays, one for each season. happy first snow, go home and make cookies. for spring it can be the first crocus. for summer the first lightning bug. for autumn, the first golden leaf. go home, kiss your dog, feed your cat (who is absolutely already-fed but somehow still starving.)

i think we should all take more showers together, but i mean that in the soft way. i mean it like taking a nap. two years ago i had 5 adult friends in my queen bed, all of us laying across each other, head over belly over thigh over hand. any time one of us would giggle, it would ripple over each of us, like pulling on a spiderweb. kim actually needed to nap and didn't get to sleep and i am still sorry for it even though this is one of my most precious memories.

i think we should all wash each other's hair, i mean. i walk my dog and i watch someone put up twinkle lights around their front porch. alex and i just moved, and i love the neighborhood. already so many of our new neighbors have stopped by to say hello. the nice lady downstairs also collects plants, like me. she gave us her number on a pink post-it note. i am trying to decide whether to make her cookies or brownies.

i am going through a very hard time. something bad happened this weekend that i do not wish to discuss. it is hanging over me. i think of the green ribbon, and the woman who had her throat cut. it feels like that sometimes, inside of my body. like i am walking and talking despite being half-corpsed. like i am hanging on by a ribbon, standing on some kind of cusp. i keep saying - at least it wasn't worse. we are so lucky it wasn't worse. the idea is river-rock smooth now, all the edges worried off.

in this very dark night - the sun sets by 3 now - people don't need to, but they try anyway. they paint the missing light into things. i have an embarrassing number of missed calls and texts, but i feel the love from them nevertheless - hey. if you need something, i'm here. i will bring you food/puzzles/anything. i got you.

i think we should all have a big group chat where we do errands with strangers. this week i got lost in a home depot, which is wild because i'm a lesbian and we are actually hatched in a lowe's lumber section. there were two other women in the whole store. we ended up shopping together, at first by accident (we all needed things in the same aisle), and then because, well, why not. one of the ladies was taller than me, so she pulled down the screws i needed. i am agile and have the personality of a raccoon, so they sent me after anything below 3 feet. we talked about holiday plans and never learned each other's names, but did learn all the drama about each other's families.

i am making you cupcakes, because i have so much affection i want to pour it into batter. you ask me if i am eating enough per meal. i wrap your gift twice, trying to do it prettily. i get excited to give it to you, just because i hope you'll be excited too.

my parents drive an hour just to see the new apartment and to do the parent thing; standing in the kitchen saying things like "oh you'll get so much use from this dishwasher" and "well, you could paint that" and "when your mother and i moved it was uphill both ways and in a snowstorm and of course your brother was an infant." my mother brought me a plant for housewarming. i always say i love you before she leaves.

i play dnd on tuesdays still, after all these years. we all keep that night free. at one point, between grad school and marriage and all of it, we had to have a serious discussion about how to keep it running. we will keep going, we decided eventually. just to see each other, even if we don't play - you are all important to me. sebastian is not prone to affection but last night he stole my usual sign off - i love you all, be good, he said. he was laughing.

i don't love the winter, actually. i like snow in theory, but i grew up in the north, and am too-familiar with the season of "mud and sludge". i don't like being cold. but i do love something kind of soft and rare: every year around this time, people remember oh yes. you and i are human together. and i have love to spare.

it is the first snow, and something in my heart is finally warm again. i have spent what felt like the last 18 months just going-through-the-motions. it has felt blank and immediate, like i would never actually feel again. that sounds extremely trite and stupid - but that is the boring and familiar experience of depression. life just washes up against your windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and affecting, and it just whispers too-thin. i was desperately uncreative. uninterested in my hobbies. unimpressed by my writing. i told my therapist, often, i don't know how to find hope again.

almost sheepishly, something strange and lovely is burning in my chest. i keep not-looking at it, worried it will scamper back into the shadows again. it is skittish and wild, but it is so warm i want to sink my hands into its fur and feel it breathing. i love-hate it: if it's real, it can hurt me when it leaves again. but i am icarus-born, sun-lover and poet: i can't help myself. despite my best intentions, i am falling in love with life again.

i am planning to make cookies for my friends. alex and i are going to go christmas tree shopping. we picked out matching dish towels last night, and they have little mushrooms on them.

i love you. it does come back. yes, even after a long time. even for you. i promise. keep trying. you will wake up and it will be a day you can smile about.

write me when you get there. we will take the day off of work, and i will wash your hair, and we will both be laughing.