#someone take me back to college
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literally nobody asked for it, but here's my list of saltburn essays that i've slowly been drafting over the course of the last week which WILL be required reading for anybody trying to engage with me about this movie. my very personal saltburn 101 syllabus just dropped
A Wolf in Deer's Clothing: Saltburn's Attempt at Innocence
an examination of party costumes and our character's last attempts to masquerade as something they're not: felix—an angel, all-forgiving and all-knowing, something to be worshiped; and oliver—a prey animal, prey to class-divide, prey to saltburn, prey to felix.
thoughts about oliver specifically are loosely organized in my #bambi tag
A Midsummer Night's Mare: Farleigh Start as the Ultimate Victim of Saltburn
a farleigh character study, about the ways he was mistreated and manipulated at saltburn, about fighting to stay alive and the scars left behind by knowing when to give in
alternatively titled "QuickStart", may be adapted into a conclusive essay specifically focusing on oliver and farleigh's relationship
The Eye of the Beholder: On Saltburn's Voyeurism & Violence [working title]
how wealth and class pushes the catton's toward the volatile reality of being able to look, but not touch. on desire and the lack thereof, and portraying yourself as an object to be desired
may end up as two separate essays on wealth and aestheticism but i'm pushing toward a conclusive essay about the intersection of the two, which i feel is at the heart of saltburn
alternatively titled "Poor Man's Pudding: A Melvillian Approach to Saltburn's Class", again, may be adapted into it's own essay
Gender-Fluid: A Study in Sexuality and Saltburn's Desire to be Dry
a deep dive into the bodily fluids of saltburn and how oliver upsets the standard of men who are just so lovely and dry. on the creative choice to lean into the messy wetness of sex and desire and the audience's instinct toward repulsion
a celebration of the grotesque and an examination of why we would label it as such
least developed of the four, heavily inspired by @charnelpit's lovely post about the fluids in saltburn
if anybody is actually interested in any of these, i can work toward something closer to a finished piece instead of just bullet points and quotes in a google doc, but mostly this is so i can share my very brief takes on a multitude of themes in saltburn that have been haunting me
edit for people seeing this in the future: all posts about my essays are being organized into my #saltburn 101 tag if you’re interested in following these through to development!
#saltburn#saltburn posting#really desperately need someone to pay me to write saltburn essays all day#or else these will never be more than a smattering of bullet points#and these are only the most developed of the millions of the thoughts that i've had rolling around in my brain this last week#idk if lengthy meta-essays are interesting to literally anyone other than me#but if any of these speak to u and u have thoughts abt them#of course u are welcome to send them my way#i think all of these were born out of either seeing bad fandom takes (ie. everything ive seen about farleigh and oliver)#or rly good fandom takes that haven't been talked about enough like the fluids thing#anyway#oh also if u want any interview clips that back up any of these ideas i have a list thats like a million miles long#and would be happy to dig for any specific things im talking about here#bambi#also also im sorry i kno the colon in academic essay titles is so overused i just love a subtitle sm#i love love love a clever little essay title. titling my essays was literally my favorite part of the essay process in college#saltburn 101
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one of my favorite things about getting older is that I’m just more sure and more confident in taking control in social situations and making other people feel at ease. I really love it!
#have always wanted to be good at it but it takes time#at least for me#my mom was describing one of her college friends to me the other day#and she goes ‘yeah she was kind of like you. personable and direct and kind.#‘and she was always going to deal with you (positive) instead of ignoring you’#honestly compliment of all time! because it does not come totally naturally to me#and there’s a lot that gets in my way—shyness anxiety a certain stiffness#but I love when i can feel it sort of giving way#anyway just rambling#also once again teaching has helped with this so much#because kids HAVE to be guided through a social situation. they don’t know what to do#and if I let them run it it’s always stupid#so just taking control asking the questions kind of —situating them so we can have a moment and then I can dismiss them#not that I do the same with adults lol. but works more often than you think#just having some direction and taking charge of a social interaction#I remember this comedian once saying he loved when someone took control in a social situation re: greetings/handshakes/hugs#like ‘oh thank goodness someone is figuring this out’ it’s so true and so funny skskdkdjd#I hope there is nothing peremptory about it! but I often find I’m so much ruder by doing nothing#than by being proactively kind and (hopefully) appropriate to the occasion#you know I’ve spoken on it before but my life really changed#when I made myself go back and say goodbye to my students after graduation my second year teaching#like. I literally ran away because I was so shy and it felt so awkward and no one was taking charge of how to do it#and the students wouldn’t (can’t) so it felt like they didn’t want to#and then I realized no—if someone is going to take the lead here it has to be me#and then I did! and there was in fact so much love waiting for me#people just don’t know how to show it#so you have to give them an opportunity#this is so many thoughts but I feel this sooooo much and I care about it so much
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my city-pop themed bullet journal spread(s) for september!!
#can someone give me tips on how to take good photos#studyblr#college#planning#bullet journal#bujo#pastel aesthetic#light academia#productivity#studyspo#productive#city pop#september#back to school#monthly#monthly setup#art
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throwing in the air my vision so you all can be delusional about it too even when it isnt drawn ... rosas by la oreja de van gogh reminds me of yuu so much its so good you have to hear it
#re:kinder#not art#yuuichi mizuoka#i talk!!!#im genuinely so but so tempted to draw something out of it but as of right now college projects are taking over me IWLFNANFJ#BUT MEDS AND COLLEGE DO NOT STOP ME FROM THINKING ABOUT REKINDER EVERY DAY#I WILL GET BACK TO THIS I MUST BUT FOR NOW I NEED TO FORCE EVERYONE TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO#the song in case you're wondering is based on the premise of someone unable to accept their relationship with someone else is over#and keeps on hoping that their loved one will come back with a ton of roses#WHICH I KNOW IS NOT THE EXACT PLOT OF YUU'S CHARACTER AT ALL BUT COME ON IF YOU THINK HARD EVERYTHING IS A REKINDER REFERENCE#thats how my brain works on a daily basis honestly “how can i make this about rekinder”/hj
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#registeel#and now this guy is maybe a bit less interesting. from this standpoint‚ i mean. the eyes being just dots make it a little hard to like#feel *connected* to them when they're ffp'd‚ y'know? i feel like it's kind of a reductive angle. which is why i zoomed this one and the last#one out a bit. so you can see a bit of the rest of their body. it's maybe less funny but would it really have been funny to just see 7 red#dots on a gray background and have to read the tag to know it's registeel? i dunno. maybe. maybe it would've been. but i like this more#maybe the explanation is that i'm taking these pictures myself. i personally know all these pokémon and have to ask them if i have permissio#n to take these pictures of them. but registeel said i couldn't get too close. so we settled with this. hehe yeah that's why :) hehe :)#anyway. you now have the aegis cave theme stuck in your head#hi it's me from the present. saturday morning. in yesterday's queued post i came up with the idea of maybe doing a monotype run of a pokémon#game. i don't know which one yet but i wanted to do water-type. but i was like. maybe i'll liveblog it on my main blog. yesterday#and today i came back and saw those tags as i was queuing up today's 'mons and i was like… hell maybe i could stream it if enough folks are#interested. but if anyone is then i didn't want to wait that long for the queue to get to that post bc that's gonna post on like. august 18#and class for my last semester of college Ever starts back up on august 21st and i don't. know if i want to start another pokémon playthroug#h that close to classes starting. especially not one where at least one (1) individual out there might be waiting for it So i put 'em here#they'll still be on that post but. they're here. just in case someone out there is chronically bored enough that that's something they'd be#interested in. y'never know there's a lot of folks here#anyway i will now queue up kricketot. see you then… or i guess see you whenever if you like send in an ask or a message or smth…
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I’m delighted at the love for my silly older!reader drabbles (that I’ll probably start working into fics shortly). I like writing a sort of ageless, appearance-less, grey blob reader, but man do I like making reader like me (and a lot of you) and thinking about how that changes the dynamics.
#like don’t get me wrong. I’ll read whatever. and sometimes it’s fun to read college freshman!reader and dilf!character#but also. it’s nice to see myself reflected in work too. to see a character like smile lines and stretch marks and cellulite#and to take ibuprofen together and adjust sex position because someone’s back is a little tweaked#it’s a part of life man and yeah fic is fantasy but sometimes the best fantasies are grounded in reality#anyway. pain meds are making me ramble sry#lo.txt
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yall ever end up thinking back on periods of ur life and ur like. bro what
#so i dropped out of school at like 13/14 to be home fulltime to take care of my grandparents yeah yeah whtever#whats insane is remembering that when i was 15 my mom tried to arrange a marriage for me with some guy who was in his early 20s#he was the deacons EXTREMELY autistic son and we had spoken like. 3 times. it had been fine like he was pretty cool#but like. she talked me into tentatively agreeing with her. she went to talk to the deacon and everything about it#fucking hello? hello? taps the mic isaiah southern baptist child bride real?#that always pulls the same thread in my brain of how my grandparents died only a month or so apart#so the pastor had just finished doing my grandmas memorial service when we asked him to do the funeral service to bury them both together#and the first thing out of his fucking mouth was 'hah wow didnt expect to see all of you again so soon!'#and that pavilion was SILENT. besides like someone sniffling#awkward fuckhead piece of shit that guy sucked#yk he once threw away what he had written all his notes to preach on bc a gay couple had just moved to the area and wanted to try our churc#so he spent the whole time ranting about how gay people go to hell instead and they left in the middle of it crying#hell on earth.#my mom convinced him to start a school thru the church and i dont think ANY of their teachers went to college besides literally 1#bc she had just retired from the local middle school and had the free time to participate#but then i guess it all just comes back around#my brother graduated from there and became a ta when he was 18 and started dating a 14/15yo so#genuinely so glad i got the fuck outta there#what a nightmare that town was. christ
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applied for a job a while ago and wrote in my spreadsheet "i am not fucking getting this job" not because of the qualifications but because my application was honestly just not that good. today the lady called me and scheduled an interview. Ok
#mine#i dont knowwwww though#urgh...#its in the city where i went to college so i know its a nice place thats familiar to me#but its also pretty hcol and the job itself is like...idk about the pay#the content of the job is good though like its basically exactly what ive been wanting to do#but then i keep coming back to my hysto...i really want that too#it sucks its like a rock and a hard place you know#i dont want to keep delaying this surgery i want my shit gone NOW#but at the same time i dont want to keep delaying my ~career~#and then i think well theres more jobs in the world...but then i think about how few ive applied to since graduating#and how long it might take me to find one after surgery#and if ill even want to or not cause this country is getting old#i want a job...but i also want my hysto...#i dont want to like get a job and then go do it and then be stuck for ages waiting for PTO and bennies to kick in and to find someone who#can take care of me when i can instead do it now like i already have a letter from my therapist and consultations upcoming#but also i need money and i dont wanna fuck up my early ~career~ days#I DONT KNOW#its a lot#i just wish id done the damn surgery sooner but i couldnt in 2023 cause i was working that summer#and this year i naively thought that i would be able to get a job relatively fast and just get hysto next year after working for a while#WHATEVERRRRRR#the interview isnt for another week and a half so ill talk to my therapist and see what she thinks#if i need to cancel the thing i can if not then i wont#ughhhh
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I think you give off more of a dark academic vibe! Plus, I feel like dark academia offers better opportunities for hoe shenanigans! Who doesn't want to get frisky amid the halls, libraries, and secrets of a Cambridge-esque setting? 😏
I mean.....haunted halls and Tudor/Gothic architectural influences for the win 🤭
Although, I'm partial to light academia influences in my own home....think pottery barn with a sprinkle of parisian glam 🤣
And white linens everywhere, lol.
Clearly, my mental state and aesthetic tastes are conflicted at times.....😆
#trinity college#cambridge university#uk#supposedly sometimes you can see ghosts in the windows 👻#my travel photos#adventures#someone also replaced henry viii's scepter/sword with a chair leg at the entrance of the college...🤣#asks#take me back
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no interest in any of my hobbies next to no concerts going on all summer feeling abandoned by the majority of the few irls I still have no idea where to meet new people to replace them now that I'm not part of the highly social hard partying sales culture I spent basically all of my post college life in anymore literally what reason is there to keep trying
#how does anyone even maintain anything in the long term like since college i dont think ive managed to hold onto a truly close relationship#for more than like 3 years so its about time even tho i never even felt i reached that level of closeness w these guys its about time they#also just move on & im the only one putting on the effort! the last time i felt like i had someone i could really call a 'best friend' they#went on vacation & ended up just actually moving away without telling me & when theyre back in town they text our other friends to ltk &#hang out with them but never me & i only ever see them at parties. similar shot for any other 'close friends' i ever thought actually cared#about me. whats wrong with me why dont people ever want to stay around why is it whenever things come up or people get busy or whatever im#never a priority to anyone everwhy is it always i put in the effoet or we dont talk ot reslly i put in the effoet until eventually we dont#talk anyways. why does it seem like even if it isnt easy for everyone else it seems like its at least POSSIBLE people will tell me oh that#happens to everyone in adulthood i feel that way too. ok sure you at least TALK to your college friends still even if you arent as close as#you used to be i have fucking nothing exvept a handful of people who just kind of care about me but where im in the periphery of their lives#i could just die & itd probably take weeks before any of my 'friends' even noticed#texticles
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one day i'll finish my hour by hour account of the first two days that athene is in the labyrinth (which are a continuous 48 hours btw) because i want to elaborate on just how warped her perception of reality is afterward and the lasting effects it's had on her mentally and physically.
#i think it's the one time the court has looked at her like yikes we fucked that one up gang#because she is soooo out of it for weeks afterward#and she's literally a freshman in college??#so they have to pull some strings to keep her enrolled after she basically falls off the map#but yeah i think This contributes to her scrambling for control over every aspect of herself and her life#because the things someone sees in the labyrinth are traumatic but also feel so so Real#and so i think athene has issues with trusting her perspective of reality#in like a 'let me touch you so i know you're real' kind of way#especially in emotional situations or times when she feels that control slipping away from her#because it just takes her straight back to the labyrinth#but anyway consider that relationships or situations that are overly positive also just throw up her red flags of 'this is not real'#because that seems so Impossible to her that... this has to be a trick?? did they ever actually let her out of the labyrinth??
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do you ever feel
like a plastic bag
like you're the world's biggest loser and even when you accomplish things you never thought you could do, it still doesn't make you feel any prouder of yourself because you know you're still more of a loser than everyone else you know and then when someone from your past reaches out and asks how you've been you just want to run and hide and scream "dont perceive me i'm hideous and pathetic"
#personal#lets hear it for my fellow low functioning mental illness folks 😩🙌#i just passed my drivers test yesterday which is HUGE for me bc i never thought I'd be able to drive#but today all i can think about is how im an unemployed college dropout living at home#and it feels like nothing i accomplish will ever take this shame away#and i keep trying new meds new therapies new whatevers and nothing fixes anything#like someone pls just take this fucking abomination out to the back of the barn and put it out if its misery
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rachel from work making a crazy play for favorite coworker… if she leaves me i’ll kill myself btw
#if they do fill the position i had before taking my new one and they ask me who should do it i’m literally saying her….#but she might leave in january i think she’s going back to college for the spring semester. unless she decides to do a full gap year….#actually. EYE need to leave in january. someone needs to give me a real job. no applying please <3#i guess though a management position will look pretty dope on my resume when i do actually pussy up and start applying. at least
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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ive been saying the 'im a humanities major i cant do math' joke for a long time but i was just reminded today of how much i liked math when i was in high school. math was a bunch of fun puzzles that you got to solve and as long as you understood the process it was so satisfying and rewarding to complete
#ignore me#when i was visiting colleges i sat in on a calculus class bc i was taking high school calc#and the profesdor put a problem from the homework on the board and asked someone to solve it and nobody answered#so i put my hand up. and he was like OH LOOK THE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT CAN DO IT and i think everyone wanted me dead#i solved the problem correctly too. even tho i said x for the variable instead of t. idk why variables are always x in my head#i have since forgotten how to do that kind of math but i liked it a LOT when i was younger... i should take math classes again#i really really want to go back to school and just take some classes for fun. math and art history in particular i liked those when i was#getting my undergrad degree but i just took intro courses to get grad requirements out of the way. wish i'd done more#math art history AND philosophy. i wanna take more philosophy classes
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i havent even read enough gl to justify the feelings and emotions i have about kyle i just have the lovers heart and also something wrong with me. and my projection. in my mind he's just like me. and he would have loved college vending machine frozen cheeseburger and heating it up in the microwave at 1 in the morning because he was bored and didn't want to work on a drawing assignment on 20" x 30" paper that was due tomorrow in his freshman year. he would have loved going to the club to push off finals work that's creating the worst stress known to man in his brain. and he would love to annoy the fuck out of his roommate when high and avoiding homework on a saturday.
#IN MY MIND HE'S JUST LIKE ME and i understand why he dropped out of art school also.#i need to get back to my readings but im too into thinking about the couple dozen issues i have read#and then going i wonder what he was like in college. and the answer is definitely fucking annoying.#if i knew him i know we would be not arguing in art history class. i would be saying his takes are stupid outside of class during break.#and he would go i dont know how somoene can defend british utilitarian furniture so vehemently and try to liken it to bauhaus design#our arguments would also stem from having very different art history and therefore philosophy education. his background would be from a pro#who would focus on european canon as per usual while my prof was coming from the perspective of someone with a phd in asian art history#and a curriculum based mostly around exploring and investigating non euro art work and how movements like modernism and#post modernism functioned in other continents.#this is such a main blog post but idont care. EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW HOW I PROJECT AND INTERACT WITH HIM IN MY MIND#he would also hate how i argue for art even i dont care about by approaching it at the philosophical angle.#'how do you like this it's barely even art. or it is art. but it's a boring cop out for suckers. honestly.'#'the thing is i dont like it. i just think you need to expand your world views and stop being close minded. youre limiting yourself.'#you might go eiffel what are you basing this on? the answer is vaguely remembered panels in my mind plus generally taste opinions of his i#can gleam from what art references they give him within issues.#it would also be funny bc like. he has a background in design... he's just stubborn and snobby i think when it then comes to the realm of#fine arts. i think his opinions and how they operate in regards to design + illustration + non gallery art are probably quite different#but i cant lie. from the singular 'i dont wanna be some loser who shows up with a blank canvas to a gallery' panel i remember someone talki#about in a post i have used it to create a variety of thoughts i think he could have had.#and the answer is the opinions of someone definitely a little annoying in art school. with a pretty standard traditional training#and background that stems from euo+american art history and sensibilities that inform how he interacts with art. which is very normal#but i think it's funny to view him as someone i would probably roll my eyes at for some comments he would be making.#and it gets funnier with how he acts generally as a person.#kyle you cant be this snobby when you are drawing pin ups of your work crush in your home studio...#good lord this got so long i have a problem. hi. sorry to my new follower your kyle posting made me go ha ha kyle. i like that guy.#static.soundz#back issues box#< it might as well go there bc i blabbed way too hard and too much. sorry. overtaken by an entity in my mind
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