#some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that
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THIS!!!
THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!
So often I find myself appreciating Harrow’s depiction of her hallucinations and other mental illnesses because like fuck!! me too!!
And its not used as a scare tactic. Its not used as a once off thing that was magically foxed in which then made Harrow smarter and more brilliant, allowing her “true potential” to shine through after years of supposed adversity because of it! No!! She’s brilliant, but damnit she’s got problems! And she knows exactly how to navigate through said problems! She navigates some things better and some things worse because of these problems! And they don’t just go away when the plot gets convenient either. She just fucking has it, and has to live with it, and we all get to watch and understand it, without the bullshit fear factor movies wanna feed us!
Like I’m sorry that me seeing faces and bugs and shadows in the corners of my eyes is apparently freaky, news worthy material to you hollywood writers, but shit exists! It does, and no amount of horror content you make is going to rewrite the reality that people just exist with it. We go through day to day life, and we deal with it! On good days and bad days, life goes on.
I will also say tho that this post made me realize this is why I’m so much more perceptive than others around me 💀💀
Like yeah I have ADHD and Autism too, but yeah no I wouldn’t see all the little shit I do if it weren’t for the fact that my brain and eyes are always working overtime to triple check the reality around me
I feel like The Locked Tomb series has opened my eyes a lot more than I expected it to on my own funky brain issues and idk how to feel about it sometimes lmao
I could just be sitting here vibing and get IMMEDIATELY sucker punched with the reminder on exactly WHY Harrow is my highest kin
I am forever grateful for the balanced way Harrow’s psychosis is displayed. She is a rational person. She is able to evaluate data as sharply as anyone else. Maybe even more sharply than anyone else. She just isn’t sure if the data she is evaluating is all accurate. She reads as someone who has long since adjusted to this self-doubt about reality, and possibly as someone who’s intelligence was honed specifically by the process of needing to run every observation through rationality checks. It makes her weird, socially, but it also makes her very good at processing and deduction.
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Trait Chemistry Mod edit
! another important update ( 5 Nov 2024 )
Everybody who downloaded my updated (1 Nov 2024) edit of Trait-based TO Chemistry Mod , based on a mod by Atomtanned , based on a chemistry mod by Dill. I overlooked a few things so it still wasn't working properly, @episims has helped me fix it /again/. Thanks, Epi.
If you use this mod, please re-download!
Download: SFS | BOX
*Correct file has 'Update2' in the name!
In this latest edit I decided to remove One True Hobby checks, so only actual hobby enthusiasm points can trigger TOs.
A few words to anyone who'd like to make their own edit of the chemistry mod under the cut:
Have in mind that Dill (at the time of writing this) haven't updated their mod and it still contains quite a few issues, style TO doesn't work, Alien genetics do not trigger alien TO, and there are a few other less serious things like cologne or hats triggering TO's they shouldn't trigger. Any edit of that mod inherits the bugs and ppl editing it should mention having it fixed.
So if you'd like to adjust a trait-based chemistry mod to match your own needs, there are other, cleaner mods for you to choose from. There's trait-based chemistry mod by @curiousb , Fran provided detailed documentation so if I was to do an edit for myself now, I'd pick that one. And there's Epi's TO chemistry mod, not fully trait-based but it has a bit of trait functionality added.
The problem is, chemistry mods have lots of features and testing it is a hassle. I admit I didn't do a great job testing my mod edit - but since I noticed my edit doesn't work as supposed to, I tried to track down all the problems and Epi came to the rescue. I had to include modified perfume BHAV, which might cause temporary flower effects for some Sims (only once) but it was necessary to fix the cologne issue.
As far as I know, this chemistry mod edit by @ramblinsims (also based on Atomtanned's edit of Dill's mod) works (almost) fine, they've fixed all the known issues aside from the Cologne triggering TO that it has been replaced with (but they are aware of it and intend to fix it).
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We need angsty Kenan Yildiz storys!!
"Babe are you going to my match later?" Kenan asked
"No I'm sorry I can't make it I have work until 5 then I'm going to the library to finish that group project that's due next week" I explained
"You never come to my matches anymore" Kenan whined
"I know and I'm sorry but after this project is done I should be able to come to a few more as long as they are after my shift" I said
"I just miss having you there" he said clearly upset with me
~~~~~~~~~~
"Kenan can you swing by the store on your way home we need a few things and I won't have time between classes and work to go" I said
"Are you sure you don't have time I'm really busy today" he said
"I mean I don't really have time" I said
"I'll find a way to repay you if you can find a way to make it to the store" he said
"I guess I can I'll have to take all the stuff to work though" I said
"That works see you later love" he said running out the door
~~~~~~~~~~
"What is it babe I've got training" Kenan said through the phone when he finally picked up
"Can you drive me to campus after you finish training my car won't start and I've already missed one class but I can't miss this afternoon as I have an exam" I said still stressed about the situation
"Can't you call an Uber or get the bus?" He asked
"The buses don't run from here you know that or I wouldn't have a car and an Uber is a lot of money we live quite far from campus" I said
"I'll send you the money whatever it is but I've got to go" he said hanging up
~~~~~~~~~~
The tension between me and Kenan has been building up for weeks if not months. He's had a long and hard summer with losing in the euros with turkey and then pre season at Juventus and I've been as busy as ever. I wasn't able to go to much of the euros in fact I was only there for two days to watch one game as that's all I could afford in terms of the cost of going and losing out on money by not working. My parents are not well off at all so I have to pay every cent towards my education and my life in general so I have to work hard to survive. I'm lucky that I love with Kenan now but still I help him pay the bills as I refuse to live there for free as that wasn't how I was raised.
I'll admit that I'm not home much but that's because when I'm not in classes I'm either studying in the library or working as that's the only way I'm going to get anywhere in life. My work ethic has been instilled in me since I was a child and I pride myself on how hard I work even if it means I'm not home much. This is Kenan's biggest problem with me as he wants me to be home when he gets home and to come to his matches but I can't and he knows why but still sometimes he gets mad at me. Kenan's schedule isn't anywhere near as packed as mine but still I find myself doing a lot for him which is my biggest grievance with him. It just feels like he's never willing to help me out even in the slightest it just seems to always inconvenience him in some way. That bugs me as I don't ask for much but sometimes I just need some support and he never seems to offer it.
Today has been a particularly stressful day I left before the sun had fully risen and came back after it had gone down. I've had exams most of the day and then a closing shift at the store I work at so it's been a long day. My long day meant I missed Kenan's champions league game which he really wanted me to go to but I did tell him I wouldn't be able to make it. He was supposed to pick up a package before his game and take my car to get fixed but when I get back my car was still in the driveway and there was no package either instead Kenan was just laying on the sofa on his phone.
"Where have you been?" Kenan asked
"At school and at work like I said I would be why is my car still in the drive and where is that package?" I asked
"I got busy so I didn't have time before the match" he said
"Damn it Kenan can't you do anything to help me out" I yelled finally letting the tension boil over
"Well your never here so what am I even doing helping you if never get to see you the boys keep asking me if we've broken up as you are never around" he yelled back
"Look I'm sorry I can't be there every match but my education is important to me and to be able to continue with that I have to work you know my parents can't help me so I'm on my own I'm trying my best and if that's not good enough for you then maybe I'm not good enough for you" I said
"Well maybe you aren't good enough" he snapped
"You have to be kidding me Kenan you'd be a mess without me even with everything I have going on I still do so much for you while you'd barely help hold me up if I was falling" I said
"Then maybe we aren't right for each other I don't need a girlfriend who needs me to hold her hand through everything" he said
"Fine then I'll go" I said
I didn't know where I was going but I knew I needed to go so I grabbed my keys and slammed the door on my way out. It was dark and I couldn't see much of what was around me but I know the area well enough to roughly where I'm going. I just kept walking taking lefts and rights where I felt like it which is when I noticed someone walking behind me which isn't abnormal but my instinct told me that something wasn't right. To be sure I took a few quick turns only to see the guy still behind me but that could just be a coincidence so then I sped up hoping that would help me lose him but he sped up too.
That's when I started jogging but that didn't help either which is when the panic sets in and I don't know what to do. The first thing that comes to my mind is to call Kenan but after our argument I don't know if he'll care enough to answer or come help me. I thought about my other options but none of them were going to help me or get to me in time so I had to swallow my pride call Kenan.
Please pick up. Pick up. Come on Kenan for once please just help me.
"What y/n" he answered
"I'm being followed I've tried to lose the guy but he's still following me now I'm running but he's running after me please Kenan help me" I said panicking
"Where are you?" He asked
"I'll send you my location" I said
"I'll be there as soon as I can just keep going" he said
I did exactly as he told me and kept running until I saw a car speeding in my direction which I knew instantly was Kenan. He must've seen me as he stopped the car just in front of me and hopped out. I ran straight towards him and he stopped me by pulling me into a hug and holding me tightly to his chest while I caught my breath. He yelled at the guy who was following me but I didn't hear a word he said I was still panicking and trying to calm down.
"It's ok you're ok I'm here now" he said
"Thank you for saving me I was so scared" I said
"I would never leave you to be hurt by anyone else and I'm sorry for our fight earlier you're right I know you work hard and I could do more to help you" he apologised
"I'm sorry for what I said too I know I should support you more than I do but even when I'm not at matches I'm thinking about you and the team" I said
"I have an idea that might make things better and I know you'll try and fight me on it but I think it will make both of our lives so much better" he said
"What is it?" I asked
"You quit your job and I'll pay for your tuition and you don't have to give me anything towards the bills that way you can focus on school entirely and you'll have more time to come to some of my games" he suggested
"Actually if you are really serious and you wouldn't mind then I'm happy to go along with that plan" I said
"Then it's sorted and I'm sorry I wish things didn't have to get to this point for us to come up with a solution but I'm happy you're ok" he said
He kissed me then we got in the car and went back home where Kenan helped me write my resignation email for my job and he got me a ticket for their next home game. Weirdly I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders straight away knowing I'd get to see Kenan more and I wouldn't have to stretch myself so thin that I could break at any point.
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Gotta preface it with ‘I’m not from the US, so obviously don’t understand lots about how election results affect everyday life of people living there’. Also, if I suddenly, still being myself, became a US citizen with a right to vote, I can’t imagine voting for Trump. Saying all that, I don’t think labelling half of the country, tens of millions of people, genuinely evil is very productive or even mentally honest.
I am from the part of the world, which suffered from both republican and democrat US administrations, and lately most of the geopolitical games resulting in tons of blood, have been played, obviously, by democrats. I have to say that I find their utter hypocrisy deeply disgusting. At least your republicans, how I see it, don’t even mask being monsters, they say it like it is. When two negotiating sides state their goals outright, it is possible to come to an agreement at least marginally better than when one side is always being two(3,4,5)-faced, making a point to wrap their actual goals (if they even know them) in pretty words about democracy while double-crossing their negotiation partner even before the ink has dried.
I know that you’re from Iran and are aware of how deeply destructive US foreign policies can be, increasingly so since the start of this century. With one caveat that Trump seems to be especially hostile to Iran, and a democrat would’ve been marginally better when it comes to the US policy regarding Iran. It’s not the same for all parts of the world though, so we might not all be unbiased observers here.
I know that foreign policy doesn’t decide US elections, I only wrote this longwinded nonsense to say that maybe there are solid reasons for half of the US to prefer Trump and reject the democrats, like for the rest of the world there are reasons for either. Economic, political, whatever. Maybe liberals should look into these reasons before dismissing millions of people as genuinely evil, like Hillary did in her time. Idk about you, but when she called half of the country ‘deplorables’ or whatever, no one I know and no one I read (not from US) felt sympathetic. It just sounded incredibly entitled and delusional, and plain dumb. And it looks like since Hillary democrats haven’t learned or even attempted to learn anything, it’s still ‘half of our nation is broken and evil and we can’t do anything about it’. But it’s not how people work, in my opinion. Yes, they might not care about minorities first, they might care about themselves first, but doesn’t it mean that politicians should identify their problems and offer solutions? Isn’t it how it works? Dehumanazing Trump supporters will only radicalize them more, isn’t it what in fact happened, and how it always works with people in general?
Idk about life inside the US, like I said, but how I see it, the only ones to blame here are democrats and liberals in general. If people in the world, and I’m sure inside the US, will see that they finally start addressing the problems instead of hiding behind empty rhetoric, if the level of hypocrisy and delusional entitlement decreases at least to some degree, the support for right-wing populists will also decrease, I’m sure of it. Because most people are not ‘genuinely evil’, but they become embittered and cruel when their concerns are continuously dismissed, things start to fester resulting in ugly political outcomes. I mean, I know you know all this, sorry for being so boring and longwinded. It’s just that I usually like your takes (I came for MASH and stayed for the neighbors as well), including political ones, but here I got a bit of a whiplash, sorry.
I appreciate this thoughtful note. You don’t have to like my takes for us to be on friendly terms. And to be clear I do forever and always blame democrats and liberals for not energizing the people who agree with them.
But as you say you don’t live here and so there’s no way for me to convey to you without asking you to spend months reading right wing political accounts here and talking to people here that a sizable number of the people who support this man are genuinely bad people and want me and people like me out of this country.
This comes from hundreds of personal encounters over the past 8 years and spending the past three months reading dozens and dozens of pieces of reporting that are like “I went to talk to voters in a small town, here’s what they had to say.” And the things you hear are: purge this country of immigrants, make America a dominating force in the world again, get us back to traditional values where women are popping out babies…oh yeah and also the economy would be better under him.
Like idk what you want me to call sexist, homophobic, white supremacists but I think they are evil. And I think it used to be that the Republican Party was more polite about all of these beliefs so I could understand people being disaffected and voting for them for reasons other than hating other humans but now we’re just saying the quiet part out loud and there’s no plausible deniability
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stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!
wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end
#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh#some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2#recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety#like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that#my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms#UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child#so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had#a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time#which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem!#its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it#and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome'#instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems!#anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now!#house md#hilson#greg house#james wilson#stacy warner
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Creature. (The rendered ones are referenced from manga panels)
#mediocre art#tokyo ghoul#On some level I think I should like Kaneki more than I do but there's this weird sense of detachment#I have not only from him but being able to perceive him as a character?#I don't even dislike him it's just that I can't feel any which way about him at all. He's a catalyst for events#feels more like the conch from Lord of the Flies or something rather than a fictional person.#He doesn't suffer and learn from the consequences#he just suffers and does what got him there again. It's arguable that the lack of punishment denies him the satisfaction#but if that's the case why does he end the story with everything working out perfectly for him?#Why do his friends oblige his flaws and accept his lack of change?#Is the problem my lack of understanding or his lack of good writing?#Is he well written?#Why do I like a certain character from a different anime who's a very similar person with very similar dynamics#but with a goal and acceptance by himself and those around him that his actions really are reprehensible and cannot truly be atoned for#not only more but to the point that he's actually one of my favorites?#Am I just sitting upon a throne of entitlement#because his thought process and experiences are not catered to be applicable to and understood by myself?#GOD IF I KNOW ANYMORE#I'm not pressuring myself to like him or anything I just don't understand anything about kaneki these days and I don't know why
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I was personally assaulted (honorific) by this essay on ambition. It's very good.
#megs is reading#I would've linked it as a full link but it didn't parse right. which probably means it has some settings against AI which. good for them!#hilariously I was complaining immediately before reading it that SO MUCH of the discussion around burnout and overwork are like#'well you should train yourself to enjoy things and live in the moment and say fuck work and not worry about it making you more productive!#and like. as a writer. as a person whose brain will eat itself alive if I do not write. NOT because augh productivity#but cuz [that one post about how if you don't draw the images will clog up inside you and make you sick]#this does not ever spark joy. I want to do the work I enjoy and find fulfilling! I want that work to be valued enough to let me do it!#where is my discussion around burnout for people who like. can in fact sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea or cooking a pot of soup#that's not the goddamn problem here. the problem is that not all labor is valued and in fact very little labor if any is valued.#the products are labor are valued. the labor itself is an inconvenient stepping stone that it would be nice to not have to take.#ANYWAY I'm just going to go try to finish my fucking book draft now. and convince myself that it matters.
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help me i've gotten so deep into the steddie rabbit hole i haven't gotten this stuck on something since destiel
this really isn't good for my health
THESE ARE THE FICS THAT I SUBSCRIBED TO / LIKED READING (I'VE BASICALLY READ 1/5 WORTH OF STEDDIE FICS COMPARED TO DESTIEL FICS - I GOT INTO DESTIEL 4 YRS AGO, I ONLY STARTED READING STEDDIE FICS SOME TIME LAST MONTH WTF)
tbf, i have taken breaks from destiel to read other fandoms/fics so, ig the timing works out? if you think about it?
#steddie#destiel#fics#ao3#also if anyone comes across this post i can rec you some of my absolute favs#these stats for my fics don't even include the ones i finished but didn't enjoy all that much#or the ones i abandoned halfway through even though it was like 100k words#i really dont care if i've spent hours reading it#i literally just leave if i get slightly annoyed by the writing#i'm not kidding#it's a problem#but also not really?#i'm just complaining for the sake of it#also i never got into stranger things fics for some reason even though i watched all of the show#idk why#i think it's bc i watched the show w/ my dad? so i felt weird to read fics about it?#like i considered it a family show for some reason#and for some reason reading fics for that was off limits??#idk#i also i'm getting scared that i won't ever be interested in my other fandoms again bc of how much i am invested in steddie stuff#this was exactly like destiel though#i just gotta get it out of my system#i have no idea why i'm so scared of losing interest in my other fandoms#also if anyone is wondering where these stats are coming from i made a spreadsheet of all the works i like#it's basically a replica of my subscriptions list because when i started ao3 i acted like the subscribe button functioned like bookmarks an#now i cant go back#so instead of transferring everything i just took the time to make a spreadsheet and basically code the functions myself#which arguably took more time to do than if i transferred everything#i would share the list but i'm sort of embarrassed of the stuff that's on there#if anyone is curious i have 676 fics stored on it
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btw!! there's free virtual tours of all 16 spanish state museums both in english and spanish if you are interested, you can access all through here :)
#i myself will probably do them when having to choose in which museums i wanna work in once i pass my oposiciones#so yeah! if you have some free time and wanna learn stuff they're pretty cool i think#the prado and reina sofia museums are not in those links cause they work a bit different and are not classified as state museums but#i believe they also have free virtual tours. i'm sure you can access them through their websites no problem
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would you all think that continually rescheduling even up to the last minute before an appointment, regularly switching from call to texting even when i’ve said i find texting less helpful because it comes off more brusque, no consistent linear topic directing, constantly directing focus to my day to day life/relationship rather than anything else about me even if i express concern about the rest of it is reason to consider breaking up with a therapist
#i like my therapist but i’m just getting to the point i kind of wonder why i’m paying for it#i don’t feel like anything has really been resolved and i feel like there’s kind of#idk unrealistic expectations of how a man should act when you throw therapy talk at him?#idk#but moreover i just don’t know#i don’t like the constantly being rescheduled#and then also she always says i can ‘reach out to her any time with problems’#and then when i do i get an ‘oh i’m on vacation so i’m not reading that till next week’#or ‘have a crucial conversation’ i KNOW that#i know that’s what i SHOULD do but for various reasons i can’t#maybe a ‘how’ would be helpful which is what i’m looking for#i want to express that i do in fact know my relationship has issues that need to get worked out#but therapy makes me feel like it’s kind of my job to force him to change some things and i can’t#i feel like any attempt to ‘force’ this stuff would just build resentment/contempt and not actually be useful#and again#it’s not being EXPLAINED.#it’s just ‘well hold him accountable’ HOW#i have had this therapist for like 3 years and while I’ve made some progress i don’t really feel like it’s because of therapy per de#i feel like my eating disorder has gotten NO in depth attention whatsoever#like it’s just ‘why do you think you do that’ ‘how do you think you could stop’ wow thanks i could ask that myself (and have)
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They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands
#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me#i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me#i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the#severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult#but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant#and yet sometimes i get everything clearly#there are still ways to go#i still have to find a therapist#cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD#but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism#im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist#i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years#i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games#like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars#all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this#I'm scared that making art is not one of those things#i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it#but then why am i so good at it#like...#petrotalk
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.
#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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i can't speak for every mentally ill person but i don't think "don't self-deprecate! it makes everyone around you feel bad :(((" is necessarily the all-encompassing bandaid slam-dunk you think it is.
#'you feel bad about yourself? well now you're making ME feel bad too :('#wow not only do i not hate myself less i might hate myself for a few bonus reasons! cool. thanks 👍#i just think that this toxic positivity trend of making one person's mental illness everyone else's problem#and the answer to mental illness is to just think of everyone you're inconveniencing/hurting by being mentally ill#which will absolutely motivate you to stop being mentally ill#is............ well! i'm sure it works for some people!#aster chat#i'm not saying that mentally ill people should not or cannot take responsibility for things#but i think people don't realize that some mental illnesses' problem is that it makes people take Too much responsibility#which is in fact. overwhelming.#you can't guilt someone into not being chronically guilty
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neuroscience degree? that's so cool !!
<3333 yesss i also think neuroscience is cool. I'm glad I went into undergrad because I think I came away from it with like a good mental mechanical model of how most brain stuff (that I care about) works. Which is fun because like... neurons teehee. And also just means like I love arguing with psychologists now i guess lol.
tbh I'm having a bit of trouble translating it into a career rn though, partially because i gained a lot of interest in other research fields through my minor and partially because navigating internships and references around some of my social dysphoria issues was like harder for me than I was noticing at the time in retrospect. Now that I'm graduated I'm trying to tie up some loose ends like getting my deadname off my financial statements and stuff (going to the bank today lol.)
#I did a silly thing where I completely burnt myself out trying to complete research in the newer field I was interested in#and since I did that ended up projecting a kind of bad impression to the people already working in the field and like barely graduated#so now I'm at a crossroads of needing to find some job that can give me a daily routine so i can schedule in doing creative/fun stuff#around that or looking for a break in to a field I love so much I could definitely dedicate my entire soul to it in a way that would maybe#be a bad work life balance#sighhhh which is probably not the worst problem for a 22 year old? pretty normal probably#personal
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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time
I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world
And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with
#N posts stuff#one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety#now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body#but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself#like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao#bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with#is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again#and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than#'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it#which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that#so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively#like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered#like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20#d20: stupendous stoats#tula#d20lb
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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