#so i very heavily believe in good communication and boundaries and i do my best to understand all pointa of view

[oblivioustinygay]

I just kinda need to yell into the void rn

[scoobydoodean]

I think part of the reason Cas hates Crowley and dislikes Benny (at first) so much is that both of them don’t self-sacrificingly resist from ever asking Dean for anything and do pursue a relationship with him (argue over whether it’s romantic, or whatever). I think Cas is sort of unable to handle the transition between the way things work in heaven (heavily regimented, everyone knows who they are to each other) and on Earth (lots of feeling out boundaries). I think the disconnect people are expressing is they don’t understand that Cas’ discomfort isn’t Dean’s fault, even if it is relatable/makes sense from the perspective of a very isolated character who has already lost all sense of belonging and fears jeopardizing that further by asking for literally anything from the few friends he has left. Cas didn’t hide how he felt for Dean’s benefit (though he may have told himself that), he did it for himself. And that’s totally understandable, but like you said, you can’t have a real relationship if you never communicate what you want out of it. And that is again, not Dean’s fault.

That's interesting about Crowley and Benny. This is definitely all a perspective I can respect.

I think from my perspective, what Cas struggled with with Benny early on (and Purgatory is a good example of most of Dean and Cas's problems actually), is that Benny immediately wanted an answer as to why Cas abandoned Dean in Purgatory. Dean actually would have been willing to brush it under the rug (this is the guy who rewrote his own memories of what transpired at the portal to make it so Cas didn't intentionally let go of his hand). Benny was willing to poke into the issue, and he did, in fact, find some hot air in that balloon. Cas and Benny both agreed that Cas was a liability, but Cas did believe in his own integrity (at least when it came to his choices on "The Best Ways To Protect Dean Winchester"—which in this case, involved bailing). The thing is... "protecting Dean" isn't the entire explanation for Cas's actions (see 8.07), and that's why Cas didn't like Benny poking at him. He'd suffered enough hits to his self-image and didn't want to deflate any further (and I'm not entirely sure Cas knows yet why he might deflate further if pressed—but Benny—the person with the objective outsider's view—is shrewd enough). Even if "Protecting Dean" was the sole reason for Cas's actions, it's bullshit anyway, because Cas proves while doing it that he doesn't actually see Dean's opinions and feelings about the best ways to protect Dean as relevant to protecting Dean, and... they are. Not just because Cas isn't always right and needs someone to challenge his perception (maybe abandoning Dean to a pack of gorilla-wolves isn't the best way to protect him... shocking idea I know), but also because Cas isn't capable of understanding Dean better than Dean understands himself, and actually has no idea how badly he can actively harm Dean (the exact opposite of what he is trying to do) through actions that are intended to protect Dean.

Does Cas realize that he treats Dean's feelings as irrelevant when he is off doing Hot Girl Summer things, and that he frequently wounds Dean while trying to protect him? Of course not—which is how he isn't actually Chuck or John 2.0. He's got a lot of issues going on in his life, like being raised in the equivalent of a weird religious cult where free will was frowned upon, losing a lot of his strength over the course of the series which he stocks the majority of his self-esteem into, lots of siblings with very different expectations, speciesism, homophobia (speciesphobia?), repeated lobotomies, and like you said... cultural differences (we actually don't talk about this enough lmao).

As a clarification, what I'm arguing isn't exactly that Cas didn't communicate what he wanted out of the relationship and therefore his stans can't blame Dean for Cas's issues (though I would agree with that argument). I'm actually arguing that Cas pre-decided, without an actual conversation or input from Dean or clarification of what he might think if all the cards were on the table, that a relationship with Dean was impossible. What he wanted was something he could never have. So he specifically did not communicate his feelings. Instead, he slotted himself into Dean's life in a very specific way—and it wasn't in a romantic way (move over, "Dean needs to pull his head out of his ass" truthers—your ideas aren't just patronizing—they're wrong—hope this helps <3). Cas intentionally slotted himself into Dean's life such that he was Dean's guardian, ready to be martyred in his name to achieve sainthood. The object of his affections was Dean Winchester though, not Moloch, so that blood offering wasn't smelling super tasty to his god of choice... and Cas never did quite get that part—that every single one of his blood offerings smelled less like tasty morsels of bacon and pie and more like repeatedly stacking proof that Dean Winchester is poison and anyone who falls in love with him slated for a violent horrible death... his touch is worse than Midas's.

[crabbypalsart]

🦀Regarding Requests!🦀

Hi everyone! As I mentioned before I do take art requests, but I don't believe I've ever made a clear rule list regarding them; and what a better time to state them than now? So here it goes! I will add on to the lists as I go. I ask of you all to please respect my boundaries, and take them into consideration when making requests. If you are personally not sure about your request, please ask/discuss with me. Thank you very much in advance! :•)

*In addition to that, please send in your requests to my ask box! It is to keep things more organized, and in one place so I won't miss anyone :•)

[REQUESTS: CLOSED!!!!]

RULES:

I will draw:

Original Characters. You may ask me to draw your OCs. I love drawing OCs, :•) but please be sure they are yours, and that you created them (even if on a character creator). If you would like me to draw or include someone else's OC, please confirm that you have permission from it's original creator to commission/request other artists to draw them. :•)

Fanart. Its what I draw most of the time anyway. X•D What this means to me is characters from existing fictional series. I mostly specialize in drawing cartoon characters, but if you would like for me to draw a more realistic character (or a character with a more complex design in general, like a mech), do discuss it with me/ask me, and I will try the best to my ability to draw them as accurately as possible if I agree. X•D If you are interested in knowing what series I create fanart for/am interested in, please feel free to check my Carrd. ^_^

AU stuff. :•)

Horror/Slight Gore. Stuff like blood, and certain kinds of body horror, as well as other certain kinds of horror elements. If you would like specifications, feel free to ask!

Ship Art. Please read the "will nots" first though.

I will NOT draw:

NSFW. I do not want to expose any of my minor followers to that.

Anything considered heavily "Dead Dove". Things like inc3st, n0n-c0n, p3dophilia, abus3, b3stiality, and the likes of that being portrayed or painted in a good light. Please respect that, and I kindly ask of you to block me in addition to that if that's your kind of flair. Thank you!

Fetish art. If you send me something oddly, oddly, specific, I will question it. I'm sorry, I don't mean to put you on the spot. I'm just personally not comfortable with drawing that type of stuff (I reckon this should technically fall under the same category of NSFW).

Things from AI generated art. or NFTs

Anything hateful. This involves things including but not limited to racism/xenophobia, LGBTQ+ phobia, ableism, fascism, right-wing propaganda, or exclusionism. This one's kind of a given. Nothing involving targeted harassment of a community or an individual either.

[windvexer]

Hi chicken!

I've always had small spirit sensing skills I guess I've always sensed emotions or feeling that wernt mine ect and I'm looking to further that skill and hopefully do some reading into spirit communication, companionship and overall interaction with spirits are there any books or resources you would recommend? Thank you for all the time and info you put on your page it's extremely helpful and written in a very friendly manner that makes it easy to understand. Sorry for the long ask

Hands down BEST rec request I've ever gotten, you angel.

Protection and Reversal Magick by Jason Miller: Sooner or later, a lot of people who get into spirit work are going to become anxious that something has Gone Awry. Metaphorically, a person who works with spirits is like a person who often has friends over in their home. Does the average person need to worry about increasing home protections just to have friends over? No. But, not all spirit workers only work with close-knit guides.

I believe for people who want to open up their lives to spirits, it behooves them to be mindful of spiritual protections ahead of time. More likely than not, nothing will ever go down - but if it does, you will thank yourself for having a little bit of info already processed and ready to go :)

Speaking of that, study the creation of one (1) protection amulet, and make one. For a potential spirit worker, it's a good idea to look at what materials for an amulet would be especially harmful or disruptive to spirits, and which ones may provide a protective aura that is not offensive to nearby spirits :)

The Complete Guide to Psychic Development by Cassandra Eason: I'm looking through all my "psychic powers" books and dying inside at how much I don't like them any more. I decided to skim the first 35 pages of this book and didn't see anything egregious, so here we are. Keep an eye out for books very dense in exercises. They are usually couched in a lot of details about the author's belief systems. If you learn to snip out the exercises while leaving the Wiccan stuff behind (sorry, Wiccans), you'll generally find a lot of useful content just to practice on.

I have found that experimenting with techniques is helpful to me, even though I don't regularly do any of them. It's a learning experience and when I've gotten enough out of it, I move on. Experimenting with your psychism seems like a good jumping off place.

Trance-Portation by Diana L. Paxon: This is probably the book you're looking for. It is a system of learning how to journey to meet your guides and helpers in the spirit world. This book is heavily influenced by neoshamanic practice; that is, it believes (as do I) that you have natural and inherent guides and guardians who are waiting to meet you in the Lower World, and many more benevolent spirits and helpers can be met there too.

This level of spirit contact takes place in the otherworld; spirits do not necessarily come here with us, into our physical homes.

Other types of spirit work do bring spirits into our physical space, especially if the spirit is given a vessel (which may take the form of a trinket, spirit home, or resting box, among other things). If you do think you'd like to have spirits coming into your home, this post is an example of "house rules" - boundaries and instructions you lay down for every spirit that comes through.

I don't super recommend bringing a lot of spirits into your home to begin with. Meeting spirits in the otherworld provides a natural boundary and distance, so that you only interact with them when you're ready and prepared.

As an order of operations, I'd recommend coming into contact with your spirit guides as soon as possible. They don't just share information, they can be with you and literally guide you through the underworld, through all spirit interactions, and provide you with help, support, and feedback in your magical operations. If you are especially concerned about safety, work up a protection amulet first.

[pinkteapotwriting]

Healing

Wolfstar x fem!reader

Sirius is innocent and it doesn’t take long for him and Remus to make their way back home to you.

Word count: 3332

Warning: There is a food mention and brief nudity but that’s all baby

He was a shaking mess. It had been over a decade. Over a decade since you had last held him in your arms. Over a decade since you had left yours, Remus and Sirius’s shared home. Once Sirius was arrested a part of you died. Especially considering no one believed you when you said he was innocent; that he could never betray James and Lily like that. It killed you even more that Remus could believe he was capable of such evil. 

Remus did everything he could to console you, even though he lost his lover too, but him trying to convince you everyone else's side is what led you to leaving and never coming back. You remembered your blurred vision, the hot tears that spilled down your cheeks that night. The bitterness that pooled and overflowed at the thought of one of the men you loved fiercely being held against his will, while the other called you foolish for rejecting reality. But you knew Sirius was innocent and you just couldn’t live like that anymore. Where all your memories turned to ash in the fire that almost took you with it. 

So here he was, a shaking mess at your doorstep. Of course Remus had already sent an owl explaining everything, but that didn’t make his presence any less shocking. You looked behind him and saw Remus with a trunk in one hand and a lead attached to a hippogriff in the other. Remus was refusing to meet your eyes so you looked back to Sirius’s wide ones. They were so open and vulnerable and you knew without words being said exactly what this man needed.

“Remus” you called stiffly “walk around to the back. There’s space for the Hippogriff in a shed there. I’ll take Sirius in for some food and you’re welcome to join us once you’re done. Here, let me grab your trunk.”

You walked past Sirius, who was still very much so shaking in place and took the trunk from Remus and turned away briskly. Remus didn’t say anything and followed his orders obediently, too terrified and ashamed to respond at all. You walked back up to the man you never stopped loving and took his hand to lead him into the house.

“Y/N” he croaked. 

“Shhhhhhh, it’s okay love. I know you have lots to tell me, but we’re gonna get some food in you first, okay?”

He just nodded and allowed you to take him to the breakfast nook in your kitchen. You reluctantly released his hand to get him a glass of water and once you set the glass down you heard the back door open and close. Remus walked in silently and took his place across from Sirius. Not knowing what to say he just fiddled with his hands awkwardly as you placed the kettle on the stove. 

“Remus I know you’ll want some, but would you like some tea as well Siri.”

He just nodded while staring off into space.

You smiled warmly at him then turned to Remus, who still refused to meet your eyes.

“Remus” your gaze unwavering as he reluctantly looked up from an apparently very interesting spot on the table. “Two lumps of sugar right?”

“Uh. yes, thank you.”

“And Sirius only likes one. Okay, I’ll get supper started right away.”

Soon enough you were throwing ingredients in a pot to make some stew and baking some biscuits. The aroma was intoxicating for Sirius, who hadn’t had a home cooked meal in twelve years. You had always been a good cook and he found himself almost to the point of tears as you placed his supper in front of him.

You sat yourself beside Sirius and across from Remus casually as if there was nothing to talk about. Remus stared at you in awe, dumbfounded at your calm grasp at the situation. Not knowing how you could be cool headed when you hadn’t seen both of the loves of your life in over a decade.

“Please, dig in. You two look starving.”

Everything was a lot less awkward once you all had something to do. Sirius practically wolfed down his food and didn’t even need to ask before you were already filling his bowl with seconds. He looked so fragile. All you wanted to do was hold him, but it had been so long you weren’t sure how he’d changed and what his boundaries would be. What his innocence even meant for you two, for you three.

“Thank you”

Sirius’s hand found his way to yours and gave it a gentle squeeze. His hands weren’t as strong as they used to be, but at least now that he had food in his system his hands weren’t trembling. You gained the courage to look into his eyes. They were intense and sincere. Your eyes were then drawn to the bags under his. They weighed down his face heavily; what a burden to have to carry alone. 

“Come on Siri, let’s get you cleaned up before bed, yeah? Remus while I run him a bath I have some thawed chicken breast for our friend out back, if you’d be so inclined. I’ll make sure to get some more food for him tomorrow.” 

With that you led Sirius up the stairs to the bathroom and had him sit on the toilet as you got everything ready.

“I know you’re exhausted and I promise you can sleep soon-”

Sirius interrupted, “No, no it’s fine. I can’t remember the last time I felt clean. I really appreciate it.”

“Okay well I’ll leave you to it then. I’ll check in later okay.”

“Y/N”

“Yes Siri”

“Thank you.” his bottom lip started to tremble “So much.”

It didn’t take long for you to reach him and rub his arm soothingly. “Hey love it’s okay. It’s gonna be alright”

“But Remus told me everything and I- I’m just so sorr-”

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. Remus and I will be fine. We’ll all be fine. We just need to communicate and figure some things out. None of what happened was your fault and I swear if I ever get my hands on that fucking rat I’ll-”

You were interrupted by a soft chuckle and your hands being clasped together between larger ones. You hadn’t even noticed you stopped rubbing his arm and replaced that action with clenching your fists in rage. He then placed a delicate kiss on the back of each hand before looking up at you. 

“You’ve always felt the need to fight others' battles for them.” 

Your anger sank back down to the depths where you normally kept it hidden.

“I will be right back. You get settled while I check on Remus.”

“Okay, try to be gentle with him though. I’m not angry at him believing what he believed. I mean all the facts pointed towards-”

You left and shut the door abruptly before you had to hear more of what he had to say. Your wounds never healed and you weren’t about to let him rub salt in them. Everything had been so much to take and just waiting to burst out through the surface, but you had to take care of your boys. Well, they weren’t your boys anymore, but you knew you had to help them pick up the pieces, whether they were yours or not. So you tried your best to strengthen your will as you made your way down the stairs, heart pounding heavily once you reached the doorway into the kitchen.

Your resolve however, broke, as your heart settled and warmed once you saw the sight in front of you. There was Remus drying the dishes as he hummed quietly to himself. Relieved that he didn’t sense your presence, because everything was too much and you just couldn’t stop the tears from forming. You silently padded across the kitchen and wrapped your arms tightly around the man in front of you, pressing yourself tightly against his back. 

“I’m so sorry” you mumbled.

He blinked. You were quiet but loud enough for him to hear.  He removed your hands from his torso and turned to hold you to his chest instead. One hand rubbed your back while the other cradled your head. “I didn’t realize that you had anything to apologize for. You were right all along, I was just too blind to see.”

“I’m happy I’m right believe me, but this isn’t the kind of thing I want to rub in. We lost too much. We’ve all had to wait 12 years and then we lost Sirius and then I gave up on us and-” 

“Shhh, love. I gave up on the man who needed me the most and I lost you because of my own damn foolishness.” he paused to place his hand under your chin to raise your gaze to his while his thumb wiped your tears away. “I never stopped thinking about you. Every day I regretted pushing you away. I still regret, I regret not chasing you as you left. I regret letting my fear of your rejection stop me from feeling joy for the past decade. I regret not begging for you to come back.”

You buried your face in his chest again finding comfort in his strong embrace, but you still couldn’t rid yourself of guilt and confusion.

“Oh Rem, I was so angry. I didn’t understand how you could believe it and it wasn’t fair we were even put in that position.”

“Are you still angry?”

“Yes and no. I’m not particularly angry at anyone anymore other than myself. I don’t know. I just wanted to make everything alright again and I couldn’t, I can’t.”

“That’s not a burden you should of had to bear alone, that you don’t have to bear alone”

You both stayed in silence for a while.

“Rem?”

“Yes Y/N?”

“Please stay. I don’t know what’s going on other than I know I need you here. Please, don’t go.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

You both stayed like that for a few minutes before you reluctantly broke your hold. 

“I’m gonna go check on Sirius”

---

Sirius had his head tilted back, not remembering the last time he was able to feel warmth like this, but also completely aware of how he was alone with his own thoughts. He raised his head as he heard a soft knock at the door. 

“Yes?”

“It’s Y/N, can I come in?”

“Of course.”

He rested his head back in the comfort your presence brought, letting the bliss overtake his finally relaxed state. Y/N smiled at the sight, completely happy as he seemed somewhat okay in the moment. You sat down beside him cross legged, taking in the face you could only see in your dreams for the past decade.

“I talked to Remus.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, honestly I don’t know what’s going on. Other than you two are gonna be staying here for a while so I can take care of you. I just came to check in before I got your bed ready.” 

You gripped the edge of the tub to lift yourself up, but before you could even move Sirius had his hand locked around your wrist.

“Wait- please don’t go.” 

“Everything alright?”

“Darling, I’ve had to be by myself for the past decade, I’m not exactly in need of alone time. Would you please keep me company? ”

“Anything you need.”

Instead of loosening his grip completely he replaced his hold from your wrist to your hand.

“Just need you here, that’s all I need.”

 His thumb rubbed the back of your hand in soothing circles and you couldn’t believe your hand had been empty of his for so long. You remembered that Sirius was always a man of action. Sure, he could be a little spitfire. He could get your tongue tied just as quick as he loosened it, however he showed his love with action. You were the same. So you couldn’t help but smile at the sigh that escaped his lips as you scratched at his scalp.  

“Here Siri, let me help you get cleaned up.”

He just nodded, welcoming to any sort of soft touch that he had been without for so long.

You grabbed a washcloth and slowly moved it up along his arms. Every movement as soft and tender as Sirius was right now. There was no sexual motive in what you were doing, but it did feel just as intimate. Tears started rolling down his face freely when you started massaging the shampoo into his scalp. 

“Y/N you don’t even know, you don’t even know how much I missed your hands, shit”

“It’s alright love. I know, believe me” you cooed reassuringly.

Finally when his hair was washed you started combing through his thick locks. Everything felt timeless and you wished you could make him feel this good for ages, but the goosebumps on his arms told you it was time to get out.

“I bet that water is pretty cold now, come on. Up you get.”

He just stared at you like you were the only good thing left on this earth as you dried him and eventually handed him a towel to wrap around his waist.

Knock Knock. “Hey, is it alright if I come in.” Well, maybe not the only good thing.

“Sure Moons,” Sirius answered.

Remus entered what he thought could be casual until he saw the bare chested man standing two feet in front of him, his cheeks turning a slight tinge of pink before he remembered why he was there.

“Here, I figured you’d want some clean clothes to wear so I brought some of mine to sleep in.”

“Well actually…” You responded. “You know what, just follow and I’ll show you.”  

They trailed behind you cautiously, very afraid of the sudden anxious tone of your voice. Once you all were in your room you gestured for them to sit on the bed and moved towards your dresser. Finally you broke the silence. 

“Don’t judge me too harshly but..”

“Oh y/n love, why?” Sirius asked.

The sight in front of him broke his heart. You with a heap of his old clothing that you placed beside him on the bed. The thought of you never moving on, of never healing and just living your life constantly seeing the remnants of the love you lost.

“I couldn’t do it. I know it’s not healthy, but they were the only thing I had left of you and I couldn’t bear it” you choked.

Sirius was there to catch your tears as he held your face tightly to his chest. Soon enough you felt another comforting figure wrap his long arms around both you and Sirius as he nestled in behind you. 

“This is ridiculous” you sniffled “I’m supposed to be taking care of you two, not the other way around.”

“We’ll take care of eachother darling.” Sirius replied.

“Like we were always supposed to. Can’t do this by yourself, love. I know I can’t do this alone anymore either.” Remus added. 

You breathed in contentment, feeling like someone finally removed the boulder that was placed on your chest. Your brain wasn’t free of all its constraints however, for you still had a million questions burning in the back of your mind.

“Siri,” you sighed “you really should get some rest.”

“But he smells so good.” Remus chided

Sirius just chuckled. 

“Well I’ll leave you boys to get ready, I’m not tired yet.”

With that you weaseled your way out from between them. Already missing the warmth, but still insecure with all the undefined things that maybe could never be defined again. You looked to see two very disappointed men and giggled.

“Seriously you two, just get yourselves comfortable and don’t worry about me, okay.”

You made your way downstairs, a thousand thoughts running through your head. That boulder was finding its way onto your chest again. Have you ever stopped loving them? No, of course not. Did they feel the same? What would this mean? Were you all in a relationship again? Had Remus forgiven you for leaving? Sirius seems like he wants you around, or does he just want comfort? Someone familiar to ease him in. God all you wanted to do was fall asleep in their arms again, but your fear was making your brain go haywire. So you decided you’d let Sirius take the bed and Remus would probably stay with him. Maybe they won’t notice you thought to yourself as you pulled a blanket over your body and let your eyelids become dark blank canvases.

---

The floorboards creaked with the unfamiliarity of Sirius and Remus’s feet. Finally they paused once they reached their destination and suddenly weren’t as confused as to why you had never come back up again. You were in a restless sleep, twitching and muttering to yourself. You awoke with a gasp, despite being awoken by a gentle touch. 

“Y/N, I thought you weren’t tired?” Remus questioned.

“Well, maybe I was a little tired…”

This time Sirius began his own interrogation. 

“Would you like to inform us why you’re sleeping on the couch in your own house?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable.”

What you said was true enough but Sirius could feel your anxieties. He felt them the very same ones at first, but as soon as he saw you in the doorway he remembered all the nights he dreamed of you only to have dementors take them away. He wasn’t shaking cause he was scared. He was shaking because he was so completely overwhelmed that you were a real thing in front of him. In Azkaban deranged illusions of you were hardly attainable, and when they were they were ones that only inflicted pain. Then an angel answered the door and now this angel was doubting herself. 

“12 years I’ve had to sleep without you in my arms. I would fall asleep to the sound of your breathing. I haven’t had a proper sleep since the last time I saw you. 12 years! Do you know how many days that is?”

“4380, would you like me to include the days since you’ve escaped as well?”  

Remus answered cheekily, while dodging a swipe from Sirius as he continued.

“Besides, you’re not the only one who hasn’t slept. She would always sleep in the middle then suddenly it was too cold.”

"See you don't want us to be cold do you? That wouldn't be very comfortable."

You giggled at Sirius’s furrowed eyebrows.

Suddenly that stern gaze was turned into a warm smile as he spoke.

“Fuck, forgot all the cute noises you could make. That does it. This couch is too small for all three of us and I’m feeling too bloody selfish and sleep deprived to figure this shit out. Y/N you and Remus are the loves of my life and I’m not sleeping another night ever again without both of you within my reach understand? Pick her up Moony.” 

Soon enough your legs were wrapped around Remus’s waist and your arms were mimicking those actions around his neck. Truly a koala. Remus took you up the stairs while Sirius trailed closely behind. Your head was pressed into Remus’s neck but luckily your arms didn’t cover your eyes so you could gaze upon the beauty that was Sirius; still not quite believing it was yours to behold again. Your view however was subsided once you were placed on the bed. It didn’t take long for your back to be pressed firmly against Remus as you buried your head against Sirius’s chest. The weight of loving arms across your body replaced the weight of the world you once had to carry alone. 

And you knew you’d never want to fall asleep any other way again.

---

Shoutout to @thotbutpurple for encouraging me to write!

[ruinaimagines]

Yesod x a very affectionate reader!!

I have never read this much in my life up until the point I’ve started this blog and started speedrunning watching all the character story cutscenes. The wiki fears me and my knowledge. Do not take this as a complaint, I’m loving every second of it. Thank you for your request!

Also once again feel free to share any typos I might make cause I am once more late night writing.

Yesod with a Very Affectionate S/O:

Yesod is known for his stern personality and efficient work. He relies heavily on the logical side in his mind to assess the situation, coming to rational conclusions. He’s blunt, not biting back his tongue and at times being painfully honest. He’s a perfectionist and calculated with his work.

But he’s not heartless by any means, he has concerns for people and he doesn’t want others to suffer cruel fates. It’s the whole reason he’s upset that he has to work in the library, he doesn’t want to have to kill others for a job. This leaves a sense of dissatisfaction in his work.

To someone who doesn’t know him well he might be perceived as some stuck up pessimist who can never be satisfied. His brutal honesty can really be off putting to new people and easily be taken as rude, and his strict desire to stay organized can irritate those who are more relaxed.

Sure it’s a bit hard to keep up at times with the perfectionist in his mind, and you may stumble a bit and fall behind. Your effort doesn’t go unnoticed though. He values his librarians, and he’s more hard on himself and others he believes work for a selfish act.

People might think he’s a nightmare to work with when he’s actually not. If you’re committed he has respect towards you. If you struggle, he has no issue aiding you to get you back on track.

He doesn’t underestimate you, and he’s confident in his fellow librarian’s abilities. There is nothing shameful about asking for help, and he will not think of you less for doing so at all.

When he comes over to help straighten out your uniform it isn’t out of malice or anything, it’s because he’s looking out for you and wants you to be at your best. He prides himself on his floor and he wants the nuggets to be approached with high regard.

Yesod does struggle with communicating how he feels verbally and physically. While he has no issue telling others they did good work, it’s in a more proud boss type way.

He has an issue finding the right words, and an even bigger struggle when speaking them. He’s not one to express his care in long strings of compliment, but rather condensed words with a tone letting you know his intentions.

You’ll have to come to realize and accept that he’s not the best when it comes with words of affirmation, but instead has other ways of expressing his care. Quality time and acts of service are especially something you can expect to receive from this patron librarian.

However, this absolutely doesn’t mean you don’t have to be the very affectionate person you are. There may be some boundaries out of personal preference, but you have no issue respecting them.

He gets flustered very, very easily, and he tries to act like he doesn’t even though it’s so obvious. His face turns red, and he continues talking about what he was previously but he’s clearly stumbling over his words and clearing his throat.

Any compliment you give him, whether it’s just a genuine compliment or a romantic one will throw him for a loop.

He’s just so used to people referring to him only as professionally that when suddenly someone doesn’t it’s very unexpected. It isn’t a bad thing though, just something he’ll have to get used to.

Unfortunately if you like PDA you’re probably not gonna be in luck, at least not in a long time. Yesod struggles a lot with how he's perceived and presented to others, and it can be a bit difficult when this image he’s worked on creates is challenged.

He does love you a lot, and it’s something you’ll hopefully understand. It’s just personal preference and when it’s you two you have a chance to be a lot more affectionate. He loves who you are and I guarantee you two can find a good balance between both of your desires.

Now, if it’s just the two of you together you get to show your endearment in all its glory. I think some of the more physically affectionate actions he’d especially like would include arm linking, leaning into him, and side hugs.

I will say though touching his hair is out of the question. I don’t really think he’d like that getting messed with especially during the middle of a work day.

These actions specifically help destress him after a long day of work. He’s very rigid too, if you’re willing to give massages I think he’d enjoy them, but he’d also be super embarrassed asking for one so you’d have to figure it out yourself.

He thinks about what you compliment him on a lot. It just lingers in his mind constantly, and if there’s something you say you like that he does he will try to make an effort to do it more.

The floor of technological sciences has a truly beautiful view. The cool blue and purple lights illuminating and filling into the room give it an almost dreamy state, even though the clanking of the gears outside can grow to be a bit annoying.

I do believe that sorting things is also a method of relaxation for him. Not the kind where you’re rushing because there’s a sudden influx of books from battle and you need to get them put into place before you’re out on the field again, I’m talking the day is done and you’re left to work slowly.

These are often the times where you’ll be able to hang around one another after a long day and Yesod feels as though he can just take a deep breath. Whether or not you help him in filling the shelves, just your presence lets him know when to switch to a more eased state.

And after he’s finished with anything he needs to correct is when you have your opportunity. At long last he’ll be able to come over and you two can just lay together and talk.

While a lot of people see him only in his sort of ‘work’ mode there’s a lot underneath that goes unnoticed. He has his own hobbies, likes, dislikes, and even distant dreams or desires that he doesn’t necessarily think or know will come true, but still likes to think about.

He’s actually mentioned an interest in growing plants to you, which you thought was an absolutely precious idea. Considering the abundance of lights already, there would probably be no issue in finding something that could help the plant grow.

I think he’d prefer something edible, not necessarily to eat, but just because it’s interesting to watch grow. A bell pepper maybe? Only downside is the dirt. It’s not like he has an issue with it, it’s just the risk of spillages and messing up the floor of the library would be a nuisance to clean up.

This is the perfect time to bombard him with compliments though, and no matter how long you do and how much of a routine it becomes he will never fail to turn red at it. He claims he’s getting better and argues that it’s not obvious. You call him out on that absolute lie.

If ever you two are laying next to each other, across one another, or you’re leaning on him, or you have an arm wrapped around him and end up falling asleep he will stay so incredibly still.

That man becomes stone because he does not want to risk waking you.

Sadly you’re asleep and don’t see it, but there’s an uncharacteristic smile on his face when seeing you in such a state of serenity. Soon after he’ll probably drift off himself.

[kimabutch]

I think TTRPGs are a fantastic way not only to practice healthy conflict resolution but also to practice conflict at all.

So, I’m intensely conflict averse. Problematically so. There’s a large part of me that believes that if someone is annoyed at me or angry with me, they don’t like me anymore and our relationship will always be soured by that. Or that if I assert any boundaries, I’m whiny and demanding. Or that if I get angry with someone, I’m a horrible, out-of-control person.

And none of that is true! Anger isn’t a bad or negative emotion, boundaries are good, and conflict can actually strengthen relationships, or so I’ve been told. But I’ve also been told that the best way to internalize these messages is with actual positive experiences of conflict. Which is still difficult and terrifying for me irl, but roleplaying is an immensely useful first step in gaining those positive experiences.

Obviously part of the “safety” of conflict in TTRPGs is that the scenarios aren’t real and are in fact often heavily divorced from our reality — somehow, arguing when we’re all goblins is just easier. And part of it is that we can check out of the argument/the game at any point, for a breather, a laugh, or a debrief that separates my PC’s feelings from my own and reassures me that this is just a game. 

But the most important thing, for me, is to be able to “plan” the conflict to a certain extent. Within a TTRPG, you can say, “it would be cool if our characters clashed over X, but I wouldn’t want it to be a long-term conflict or end with hard feelings.” You can decide beforehand how it’ll end and how intense it’ll be, which personally soothes so many of my fears with regards to conflict. 

It’s like the question “what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” but — what would you argue about if you knew it wouldn’t risk a relationship? What boundaries would you set if you knew they’d be respected? What anger would you express if you knew it wouldn’t hurt anyone? How would you approach conflict if you knew it would be an ultimately positive experience?

When you’ve never felt you could “know” any of those things, beginning an argument while being secure in its ending feels like a revelation — even when that argument takes place in a fantasy world with fantasy characters. It feels like practice for not catastrophizing irl, too, for mildly harsh words not setting off my panic buttons, for being believing that conflict can be productive. 

Anyhow, I’m very grateful to TTRPGs for that, and especially to the friends I’ve played with, for creating a safe and communicative space for fantasy conflict. 

[wispforever]

if youre still doing the character thing, how about spirit or marie?

I sure am. How about Spirit And Marie? Both wonderful characters. I’ll do Marie first, then Spirit. Thanks for the excuse to infodump, really. You people are too kind.

Marie Mjolnir

My first impression of Marie was the same impression I get of most female characters in anime. It’s either “why do their clothes have to look like that” or “oh god here comes the obligatory sexist heteronormative romance”. For Marie, it was more of the second. They mention in the same episode she’s introduced that Stein is her “first love”, which told me that if she had a large place in the plot, her assigned male counterpart around which to orbit would be him. Though I’ve never read the Soul Eater manga, I believe they do end up getting together there (I could be wrong). Whatever the case, I was relieved that Marie’s and Stein’s relationship (though heavily implied to be romantic, at least on Marie’s side) was left open to interpretation in the anime. I’m just very sick of cool badass female characters like Marie being reduced to the man they pine after. So, I guess my first impression of Marie and my impression of her now are largely the same. While I appreciate the moments we get to see her strengths and ability to operate on her own, I do think that her character really suffers because of the whole sexist “oh gosh all I want is to find a husband and retire” “oh my I have to take care of Stein” like okay, I had enough at the cat girl smothering Soul with her humungo-tits. I had enough at sexualizing underage girls and women in general. I had enough at making sexual harassment a punchline. That being said, when we push all of the shitty writing to the side, I admire Marie for her strength and how she interacts with the children, Crona in particular. Which leads me to my favorite moment(s).

The relationship Crona and Marie have interests me the most, since I’m really drawn to the parallels between Marie and Medusa. As parental figures (and as characters), they’re about as different as you can get. As Crona’s mother, Medusa is obviously abusive. Along with being negligent, she abuses Crona mentally, emotionally, and physically. In general, Medusa is a person who doesn’t appear to value interpersonal relationships, putting it nicely. She instead is more focused on her own interests, often to the detriment of those around her. Crona is Medusa’s only immediate family (besides Arachne who she is estranged from), and so they suffer the most from her refusal to show even a shred of human decency or warmth. They suffer especially because they are her child, meaning they’re stuck with her essentially, and repetivie abuse between family members like a mother and child often becomes complex because of the necessity of having a parental figure in your life to support you as you grow up. Medusa teaches Crona that their boundaries don’t matter and that they are only good as long as they are useful and do as they’re told. This is what makes Marie’s influence on Crona so cool to watch. Marie is caring by nature, loving and nurturing by nature. Her very wavelegnth is healing. She is kind and does what’s right reflexively. Marie is the exact embodiment of what Crona always needed but what, even upon being rescued by the academy, still felt so foreign to them: unconditional love. Crona struggles to understand why the other kids helped them, why Maka felt the inclination to stop their battle and save Crona instead by trying to understand them, why the kids are still so kind to them even after everything. They do not understand that love is not a bargaining chip. It isn’t leverage in an argument. It’s not a tool for emotional manipulation. Love is caring for the people close to you, just because. Love for the sake of love. The other kids and teachers at the academy are the ones who are able to pull Crona out of all Medusa’s lies, and Marie is a Huge part of that. Even though I have greivances with this being the largest part of her character and what that implies for female characters in general, it doesn’t stop being so beautiful to me that she could help Crona heal in this way. Marie = best mom for the win

Most of the story ideas I have for Marie involve her relationship with Crona or Stein. Say, this covers my unpopular opinion too. I don’t like Stein and Marie as a couple, but I really enjoy writing them as friends, because even though I don’t really jive with them being together romantically, I think their dynamic is an interesting one to explore because they Are so different.

Getting into that a little bit more, I’d like to start by saying I don’t care if other people like Stein and Marie being a couple. That’s great doods, keep doing you. The fanart’s adorable, the meta’s fantastic. Whoever you are, SteinMarie shippers, ffs keep kicking ASS. This is just my preference and opinion. Zero shade in this house. That said, because of my frustrations about Marie’s character I discussed in the first paragraph, I don’t like the idea of her and Stein being together romantically. It’s really a classic sexist trope: the troubled man and his sweet nurse. I’m also just fed up in general with the hetero-nonsense, so there. However, they are both wonderful characters that I enjoy very much seperately. Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that I’ve only seen the anime, so I can’t speak for the manga as far as their relationship or Marie’s character in general.

Oh shit I accidentally already talked about this one lmao [see the second paragraph]

One headcanon I like to think about when I’m writing Marie is that she likes women (in addition to men or not) and she struggles with comphet. Just something interesting I like to think about. It’s really fun for me to take characters who have been written as pining or had 10 million failed relationships and be like “say what if they can’t find a husband cuz really what they really need is a wife”. I’ll talk about that more with Spirit inevitably.

Spirit Albarn

My first impression of Spirit, obviously him being a cheater, really came with a lot of distaste. I come from a family that was torn apart by infidelity, among other things, so it really rubs me the wrong way. However, his saving grace for me was that he genuinely loves his daughter. It appears that, whether it’s played for laughs or not, he just can’t find fulfillment in his romantic relationships. The reason is left up to the veiwers. Spirit, ultimately, is not just a shitty person, which is how most cheaters are protrayed in media. “Well, they cheated because they don’t care if they hurt people”, “they cheated because they are shit and that’s it”. That’s a fine explanation if you plan to do nothing with whatever character you’re describing, but Spirit is relatively recurring and is shown to be neither mean-spirited or emotionally unintelligent. It bothers me that his cheating and routine sexist behaviour isn’t taken seriously enough to be a subject that Soul Eater tackles and deals with. But that’s fine. I’ll just do it myself. At any rate, I still feel that same way about Spirit’s character, but I find it intriguing that he seems to genuinely want to become a better father and is actually a pretty good dad when it comes to his interactions with Maka. If Soul Eater had been brave enough to develop him more, maybe delve into the reasoning behind his impulsive romantic affairs, I think Spirit as a character could have been done more justice. It seems to me that he could be suffering from some of that wonderful compulsory heterosexuality that I mentioned before, then becoming confused when the woman he claims to love leaves him feeling empty. Rattling my gay little cage

When I think of my favorite moments with Spirit, I think of his moments with Maka, but I’m gonna hold off on that until I get to favorite relationship(s). In reference to what I talked about in the first paragraph, one moment I find really interesting when I’m thinking about my interpretation of Spirit’s character is the scene where he and Maka are on the roof talking. Maka asks Spirit why he cheated on her mother if he did, in fact, love her. He doesn’t appear to know the answer, and he doesn’t really understand how to effectively communicate that, though he was shitty husband, what he really wants now is to try and be a better dad. We hear his inner monologue, and he says something like “I love you [Maka] and your mama. That’s the truth. That’s the truth. That’s the truth.” Every time he says “its the truth” it sounds more like he’s forcing it. This is actually something that is SO strange to me. Even if I didn’t project a queer narrative on to the characters I love, I would look at this and be like “huh that is a Weird thing to say in that specific way”. Why does he say it like that? Why does he have to say it more than once? He’s only talking to HIMSELF. It isn’t like he’s trying to convince Maka. Why does he have to convince himself?? Could it possibly be because he’s reached a conclusion about his romantic/sexual orientation that he’s been trying to swallow his Entire Life??? makes ya wonder, doesn’t it, queers?

Just like I said when I talked about Stein, most of the stories I have in mind with Spirit center around that sweet gayness. But also, I like to think of ways Spirit could come to terms with his sexuality, how it might have affected him when he was young, his relationship with all these women, with his wife. I love to think about him being a dad at 18 and trying his best, but how much responsibility that must have been. Lots of great ideas when it comes to Spirit.

Um? unpopular opinion would be all the standard like I said with Stein lmao. “Oh no!” scream the heteros, “that they/them on tumblr is making Soul Eater queer we canst not allow that in our church!!!111!” But besides that, maybe even the fact that I think he’s redeemable?? Idk most everyone I’ve met thinks Spirit is funny at least and just calls him a dumbass and a slut (affectionate). Doesn’t mean anybody thinks cheating on your wife 56 times is okay so. I like this fandom, it’s chill here. My favorite is when I see my art tagged like “aw the stupid man and his crazy bf” like YOU ARE RIGHT

My favorite relationship when it comes to Spirit (besides Stein cuz if I start talking about them again I’ll never finish this ask) is the one he has with Maka. If you can call it a relationship lol. I guess I just find Spirit’s approach to Maka as a parent really refreshing. Not that the parents in other shows don’t love their kids or whatever, it’s just that the loving parent always seems to be paired with some other trope that makes their character hard to approach. especially in anime. Like the perfect mother who dies in the first episode, and we spend the rest of the show mourning her. Or the father whose love is somehow everlasting even though he’s never home. It’s really the fact that Spirit is even THERE that I love. He knows what Maka is up to. He talks about her. He’s invested in her life, and he loves her. All he wants is to spend time with her, and though he’s sad when she turns him down, he doesn’t push her. god dammit I just like a dad who actually loves his kids without all the usual strings attached like. oh my kids are a huge pain in my ass, but I love them in spite of it. oh i’m a man so can’t relate to my children in a meaningful way but i try. Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I want all the dads to get so happy when their daughters wanna hang with them that they throw up like Spirit. Give me the guy who loves his daughter so naturally, whose daughter is such a huge part of his life, that it doesn’t even occur to him stop trying even if she literally wants to murder him. That’s Spirit. jfc

To end with a cute little headcanon, I really love to think that when Spirit gets older and starts losing the color in his hair, instead of getting white or grey, his hair turns a pale pink color cuz he’s such an aggressive redhead. Wouldn’t that just be adorable? late 30′s, early 40′s, Spirit starts getting little pink streaks in his hair and then bam. Little pink old man Spirit XD

There ya have it. Thanks for the ask, and feel free to send more.

[atlafan]

The Tutor - Part Two

a/n: thank you all for the support on the original one shot. I just really love these guys, so I had to make a part two, and may even go back to them at some point for some other fun stuff, but for now, here’s the second half of fall semester! Read part one here! 

Warnings: angst, we start out with a lot of angst I’m so sorry. Plenty of fluff and smut to balance it out though! Partying, alcohol consumption. 

Words: 18.7K

Part Three

Harry thought he was going to be sick. There it was, sitting right in front of him on his desk: C-. For the life of him he couldn’t remember the last time he did so poorly on a test. It was for his Conversational French class. Harry knew French well, that’s why he was in a higher level course. Most students needed a full year of a language, but he only needed one because he tested out of the lower levels. It was his own fault.

The night before the test when he should have been studying he was buried deep inside Y/N. The hockey team had won an away game, and she asked him to come over for a little while and he physically couldn’t say no to her. He didn’t think he would end up staying the night, but he did. Y/N had whispered that she wanted to do it again, and she had pinned him down, and he sort of really liked that so once again he didn’t say no. And the way she was riding him and panting his name and looking down at him with her big eyes. Anyone would have stayed the night after that.

He knew he didn’t do his best on the test, but he thought he’d at least get a B, not a fucking C-. He sighs heavily as class ends.

“Monsieur Styles…” The professor makes a come her motion with her pointer finger. He turns around and walks over to her desk. “Normally I wouldn’t be so worried about a C, but you always get A’s on your tests, what happened?”

“I…I guess I didn’t study as much as I should have. Maybe I just got cocky and thought I knew the material more than I did…”

“Harry, you’re always going to the study group meetings, did you not go last week?”

“No, something else came up.”

“Like what?”

“Well…” He runs a hand through his hair. “My girlfriend is on the hockey team, and they just won a game on the road, and…” He sighs. “I know it’s not a great excuse, I’m sorry. I’ll buckle down for the next test.”

“Look, I know having a partner in college is very exciting. You’re an adult, you don’t have a curfew, and you don’t a have a parent telling you to keep the door open, but try to keep your priorities straight. You’re a very bright student, and I hate to see your grades suffer in this course, or others.” She takes a sip of her water. “I’ll let you in on a secret, but only because I thought you were going to wet your pants when you saw your grade. I tend to drop the lowest grades at the end of the semester, so you don’t have too much to worry about GPA wise, but try not to let this continue.”

“Okay, I promise I’ll do better on the next one. Thank you so much.” He smiles and leaves the classroom.

She was right, he didn’t want his other grades to suffer. Harry nearly had a 4.0, and he wanted to keep it that way. He needed to buckle back down, but he wasn’t quite sure how to explain this to Y/N. He liked spending his free time with her, but maybe he was being a little too available. It was almost time for their tutoring session, maybe in the seriousness of the library he could have this chat with her.

Y/N was overly excited to see Harry. She had wonderful news for him. She had spoken with her mom, and they both thought it would be a good idea to invite Harry home for Thanksgiving. He had explained that he just stayed on campus last year and that it was really boring. She bounces into the library looking cute as ever in her sweats, and goes over to their usual table. He was already set up and looking serious.

“Hey you.” She says, kissing his cheek. He gives her a soft smile as she sits down. “How’s your day been?”

“Alright.”

“Just alright?” She pouts. “Well, maybe explaining the difference between bonobos and apes to me will add some excitement.” She laughs and takes her books out. “I mean, I sort of get it. One group is super chill and sexual, and the other group is fucking crazy and aggressive. The main difference I noticed is that one group is matriarchal and the other group is patriarchal, so what I wanna know is, why don’t all people study these two groups? I find it to be absolutely fascinating, and-“

“Y/N, please!” Harry snaps. “Why do you even need my help anymore? It seems like you’ve got it.”

“I…well…I mean it’s helpful to talk these things through with you. I need to write a paper about this and I was sort of hoping you could guide me with my outline. Maybe point me to some good sources.” She chews on her bottom lip. “You don’t want to tutor me anymore?” God, he was so fucked for her. How did one girl hold so much power over him?

“It’s not that, I…I mean, we meet up like this twice a week for two hours, four hours total, and then we also meet up to do homework together other nights and that goes on for hours, and sometimes we don’t even end up doing homework, and…ugh, look at this!” He slaps his French test down on the table. She scans it over and gives him a confused look.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“I got a C-, Y/N!”

“Is that bad?” She was genuinely confused.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah…”

“It’s terrible! Luckily my professor told me she usually drops our lowest grades at the end of the semester, but what if this happens again?”

“Are…are you blaming me for your grade?”

“Well, I was at your place the night before my test when I should have been studying. You invited me over after you guys won your away game, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember you kissing and touching all up on me. You didn’t mention once that you had a test. If you did I would have told you to go home, or I wouldn’t have invited you over at all.” She shakes her head. “I can’t believe you right now. Just because you have poor time management doesn’t mean-“

“I do not have poor time management.” He seethes. “I have impeccable time management.”

“Well, apparently you don’t, otherwise you would have left more time to study for your fucking French test.” She huffs, and takes her highlighter out to help herself as she looks for quotes in her book.

“I can’t believe that you don’t even care that I got a bad grade.”

“That’s the difference between you and I, Harry. When I see a C, I don’t think it’s a bad grade. Had that been a D-, then okay I would probably be more concerned. You said it yourself, she’s going to drop your lowest grade, so it’s no big deal.” She looks at him. “You’re on the clock right now, aren’t you? I need your help with this.”

“Fine.” He leans closer to her and they work on her outline for a bit. They only talk about things related to the class. When ten of four hits, he starts packing up and so does she.

“You’re being a baby.” She mumbles.

“No I’m not. I have to keep up a specific GPA for the grant that I was given.”

“Yeah, same here, Harry. News flash, half of the students here have to keep up a specific GPA, you’re not special in that.” She slings her bag over her shoulder. “You can blame me all you want for your grade, but that’s on you. Learn some self-control because I will not be made into being a fucking distraction to some boy.”

Before he can say he’s more than just some boy to her and that he’s her boyfriend, she’s gone. Harry slumps forward and knuckles at his eyes. She made a fair point, he shouldn’t blame her for distracting him. He needed to create a boundary. This is probably why he was fine just having a couple of casual hookups last year as opposed to having a girlfriend. It’s much easier to just text someone if they’re up on the weekends, and then focus on school work during the week. With Y/N he just wanted to be in her company whenever he could, and with that came his urge to really be in her company. Maybe he did need some self-control. She had no problem telling him when she wasn’t in the mood or couldn’t come over, he needed to do the same.

Harry: hey, can I call you later?

Gemma: of course! I’m getting ready for bed soon though…

Harry: oh right, time zones, I’ll call you now

“What’s up, H?”

“How do you handle being in a relationship and getting good grades at the same time?” He asks as he heads out of the library, not wanting to disturb anyone.

“Jesus, you’ve been seeing this girl for all of two months. What happened, did you fail a test?”

“No! I got a C- on a French test.”

“You’re freaking out over a class that isn’t even one of your major courses?”

“What if it’s a slippery slope? You had a boyfriend in uni, how’d you manage your time?”

“I just told him when I was busy, and then we found other times to hang out. Usually we’d try to meet up for lunch or dinner if we could.”

“We usually sit with our other friends at lunch…and she doesn’t go to the dining hall for dinner because she cooks with her roommates after her workouts. We’re both really busy in our own rights, so it’s like the second we’re both free…”

“Do you have sleepovers?”

“Gemma.” Harry blushes as he gets into his apartment.

“Harry, I’m not asking you what you’re doing, I’m just asking if you spend the night.”

“Yeah, mostly on the weekends though…”

“And what night does the weekend start?”

“Sometimes on Thursdays…but she usually has early practice on Friday mornings, so-“

“I think you two should define which nights are for sleepovers. So, if you hang out on a Wednesday or something it’s clear no one’s staying over.”

“But I’d feel so guilty leaving after we…you know.”

“Just communicate about that too.”

“I don’t want her thinking I’m only going over there for that though.”

“Harry, I’m going to say this slowly. Communicate.”

“She’s probably so mad at me.” He groans as he gets into his room.

“Why?”

“I sort of blamed my grade on her…”

“Harry!”

“I know! I’m an idiot, okay?”

“Well, you better fix it. If you think a relationship in uni is distracting, a break up is ten times worse.”

//

Y/N was sprinting on the treadmill, she was beyond pissed. She wanted to bash Harry’s head against the table in the library. She hops off the treadmill once her run is done, and she goes into the weight room with the other girls to work with the weight trainer. She was being more quiet than usual as she lifted.

“Take a ten minute break girls, then we’ll work on the deadlifts.” The trainer says.

“Y/N, are you alright?” Ashley asks.

“No.” She looks away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Harry and I got into a fight.” She mumbles.

“Aw, about what? Want me to beat him up?”

“No.” Y/N laughs. “Thanks though. He got what he thinks is a bad grade on some test and he blamed me.”

“What the fuck?” Amanda says, overhearing the conversation. “Why would he do that?”

“Apparently he was at our place the night before his test so he didn’t study the way he should have, but that’s not my fault. He could have left or not come over at all.”

“Y/N.” Ashley sighs. “You’re both right and you’re both wrong. Try to think of it from his perspective, or, like what if the shoe was on the other foot? Like say you spent the night and overslept and missed practice. You’d probably blame him when it’s on you to make sure your alarm is set, right?”

“I guess so.”

“Cut him some slack. What was the grade?”

“Only a C-.”

“Well, if that’s a big deal to him you have to respect that.”

“Alright, ladies! Let’s get back to it.” The trainer says.

Ashley winks at Y/N, and she smiles. She was right, and talking it through calmed her down a little. She used whatever anger she still had to fuel the rest of her workout. Her, Gina, and Amanda all go home, take their turns showering and eat dinner. It was around seven when Y/N sat down to finish up some homework. Harry hadn’t texted, but she hadn’t texted him either. She wasn’t sure if she should give him some space to cool off or not. She never had to deal with something like this before.

“I’m gonna go up and try to FaceTime him, I’ll be back in a minute.” She tells the girls as she leaves the living room. The phone rings for a while, and then he finally answers. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Sorry if I’m bothering you, I just thought we should talk.”

“Please don’t break up with me.”

Harry had, like, really bad anxiety, and this entire situation flared it up. It probably didn’t help that he was always drinking coffee. He talked with Y/N briefly about it, in case he ever had an anxiety attack in front of her, he didn’t want her to be scared.

“What?! Harry, first of all, I would never do that over a fucking FaceTime, second of all, how could you think I would break up with you at all?”

“I don’t know, my sister got into my head and…sorry…I’m really sorry for snapping at you earlier, that wasn’t fair.”

“I’m sorry for not understanding how much your grade bothered you.” She chews on her bottom lip. “I should have been more sympathetic.”

“And I shouldn’t have blamed you…it was my own fault for not making more time to study. I’m trying to balance you with everything else, and it’s hard sometimes.”

“I know, but if you need to study I don’t want you to feel bad for not being able to come over or something.”

“Well, I could come over…but I can’t always spend the night.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just that…it would make me feel guilty if I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because if it’s a night we decide to hook up and I don’t stay I feel like you’d be upset. I wouldn’t want you to feel like I was only coming over for that either.”

“Harry, it’s okay. You don’t always have to spend the night afterwards. You have your own life. We can keep sleepovers for the weekends if you want.”

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. Things are just going to get crazier as finals creep up. I mean, it’s already almost Thanksgiving for fuck’s sake.”

“About that.” She smiles. “Before you got pissy at the library earlier, I was actually pretty excited to see you.”

“You were?” His face softens.

“Mhm, I talked with my mom, and well…I was wondering if you’d wanna come home with me for Thanksgiving…”

“Really?” He perks up.

“Yeah! I want you to meet the rest of my family, and you said how boring staying on campus was last year.”

“Y/N, I’d love to come home with you.” He beams. “Thank you.”

“Yay! I’m glad you want to.” She beams back. “I love you, Harry.”

“I love you, too.”

“I need to get back to my homework, and I’m sure you do too. Will you be at the game tomorrow?”

“Of course I will be.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

They both hang up and feel the same wave of relief. Harry gets back to studying, but not before texting his sister to let her know he’s been invited home with Y/N for Thanksgiving. He was too giddy to not tell someone.

//

Harry goes to Y/N’s game Wednesday, clad in the jersey she had given him. Sometimes he was given looks, he knew they weren’t the most typical couple, but he didn’t really care what other people thought. He sits with Andrew, Billy, Air, and her new boyfriend Scott. Niall and Louis also join, handing Harry his requested hotdog.

“Thanks, mate.” He says to Louis as he sits next to him.

“No problem. Think this is first women’s game I’ve ever been to, sort of feel guilty.”

“Me too.” Niall says. “Glad we didn’t have a game tonight. Bout time we came to see your girl play.”

Harry chuckles and shakes his head. He bites into his hotdog just as the lights dim and both teams skate out onto the ice. The crowd cheers, and his face lights up when he sees Y/N. Number 21 in all her glory. She assists two goals in the first period, giving the girls a decent lead for the second period. During the second period she gets her shit rocked by one of the bigger girls on the other team, and the wind gets knocked out of her. Harry was frightened when she didn’t immediately get up. A trainer and the coach go out onto the ice to help her up. The other girl gets benched for the rest of the game for unnecessary roughness, and the arena claps for Y/N as she’s helped off the ice.

“Oh my god, I have to, I have to go see if she’s okay!” Harry says frantically.

“Harry!” Andrew grabs him. “They’re not going to let you into the women’s locker room.”

“I know, but maybe I can go wait for her where the trainer’s office is, that’s probably where they brought her, right?”

“He’s right, mate.” Louis says. “You’ll have to wait until they bring her back out.” He puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder to get him to sit back down. “I know it sucks right now, but she’s in good hands, she’ll be alright.”

After what felt like a lifetime, Harry squints and sees Y/N sitting on the bench. Her helmet and all of her other gear was off. All she had on were her warm ups.

“Fuck, I hope she doesn’t have a concussion.”

“They wouldn’t have let her sit out there if she did.” Niall says. “No fucking way, the ice would be blinding her.”

“Bruised rib?” Harry looks at Louis and Niall.

“Har, you’ll find out soon enough.” Louis gives him a reassuring smile. “Try to calm down. She looks fine.”

Harry sighs, his leg won’t stop bouncing as he sits in the stands. The rest of the game goes by agonizingly slow. Luckily the girls won 2-0, so at least everyone would be in decent enough mood. Harry says goodbye to everyone as he nearly sprints out of the arena to wait for Y/N where he usually did down below at the ice near the skate rentals. When he sees her come through the doors with Amanda and Gina, he races over to her, throwing his arms around her top half.

“Harry! Babe, you’re crushing me!” She laughs and pats his back. His hands move to cup her jaw and he kisses her over and over.

“I was so scared! What happened? Are you alright?” His eyes scan over her body.

“I’m fine!” She giggles and takes his hands away from her face. “I got the wind knocked out of me, and they had me sit out for the rest of the game because they put some ice on my ribs.” She unzips her sweatshirt to show him. “I’m fine though, that girl just rammed into me.”

“For no fucking reason.” Gina scoffs. “She’s lucky we didn’t all attack her.”

“Whatever, at least we won.” Y/N shrugs. “Sorry I couldn’t text you or anything, phones aren’t allowed on the bench.” She says to Harry.

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“We’re all gonna go downtown for dinner to celebrate. Do you have homework or anything?”

He did have homework. He had a powerpoint he needed to work on. But he so desperately just wanted to be with her.

“Um, I have a presentation I need finish up, so…I guess I should go do that, but text me when you’re back on campus. If I’m done with everything I could come over after.”

“Okay.” She smiles and kisses him again. “Sorry you were so worried.”

“I’m just glad you don’t have a concussion or something.”

“Nope, nothing that serious.”

“Come on, we better get down there before they eat all the food.” Amanda says.

Y/N waves off to Harry and leaves with the girls. It was too bad because he liked getting dinner with the hockey girls, but he needed to stick to what he and Y/N spoke about last night. It’ll be a reward or a treat for him to see her once he’s done with his work. That was all the motivation he needed to finish up his presentation, and get some other homework done.

Harry: hey baby, I just finished everything up…do you still wanna get together? Are you doing hw?

Y/N: maybe tomorrow night, I’m really tired and we have practice in the morning. But I’ll see you at 2, right?

Harry: yeah of course. Love you, goodnight!

Y/N: love you too, night!

Harry sort of felt sad that he wasn’t seeing Y/N tonight, but he couldn’t blame her for being tired. He just wanted to hold her and make her feel better, but he thought of how small her bed was and realized how she’d probably be more comfortable sleeping in it alone. He couldn’t blame her for that either. Just as he’s settling into bed, his phone goes off and he smiles.

“Y/N?”

“Hi.”

“What’s up, babe?”

“Nothing…kinda just wanted to hear your voice…”

“God, you’re gonna make me melt into a puddle over here.” He chuckles. “Are you feeling better?”

“A little yeah. They want me to sleep sort of propped up so I can breathe easier, it’s not very comfy.”

“I’m sorry, baby. Wish I could make you feel better.”

“You are.” She smiles, not that he could see. “So you were working on a presentation? For what class?”

“My anthropology class.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It’s kind of boring…”

“I don’t care, it’ll be like you’re telling me a bed time story. Please?”

“Alright.” His heart was fluttering.

Y/N fell asleep with her headphones in listening to Harry discuss his presentation. Believe it or not, talking through it helped Harry give an even better presentation than he could have hoped for. Maybe this new system will work for them.

//

Harry was dressed up from his presentation when Y/N met him in the library for their tutoring session. He looked incredibly handsome in his green dress pants, white button up, and floral patterned tie to match.

“Hey.” He smiles and kisses her cheek. “Let’s finish up that outline.”

“Hey, yeah.” She sits down and takes her materials out to show him. She looks him up and down. “How’d your presentation go?”

“Oh, really well actually. Talking it over with you last night actually made me feel more prepared.”

“That’s great! Sorry I fell asleep on you.” She chews on her bottom lip. “Maybe next time I could come over and you could really practice it for me.”

“You did ask for a bedtime story.” He smirks. “It’s fine. How are you feeling?”

“Much better. I took it easy during practice this morning just in case, and the trainers are going to work with me during lifting this afternoon, but I should be fine to play Saturday.”

“That’s good, and that game’s away right?”

“Yeah and we have to leave Friday night because it’s, like, hours away or something.”

Harry nods and looks over Y/N’s outline. He marks up a few spots and lets her get to work on her paper while he works on a paper of his own. He listens as she grumbles to himself and he can’t help but laugh.

“Stop, it’s not funny. I’m not a very good writer.”

“What are you struggling with?”

“I just don’t how to articulate myself professionally sometimes.”

“So write it as if you didn’t need to be professional, and then go back and edit it. Get all of your ideas out, you know?”

“Oh, good idea! Thanks, Har.” She smiles.

“It’s what I’m here for.”

She gives him a quick peck on the cheek and he sighs happily.

“Do you want to…um, come over after your workout. We could have dinner…”

“Yeah, I’d like that. Can I bring all my shit over so I can just spend the night and get up to go to practice? You live closer to the ice arena, it would be perfect.”

“Sure! That sounds great.”

While Y/N is at her workout, Harry whips up some pasta and meat sauce that he knows she’ll like. He makes enough for Louis and Niall as well. They were usually ravenous after practice just the same. Niall and Louis come bursting through the door around when Harry is pulling some garlic bread out of the oven.

“Alright! Mum cooked!” Louis teases him.

“Oi! Go fucking wash up before you start grabbing at the food, fucking animals.” Harry scolds them. “And we’re waiting to eat until Y/N gets here, you’re lucky I even made extra for the two of you.”

“Ugh, fine.” Niall says and the two go down the hall to wash up.

There’s a knock on the door and Harry practically races over to open it. He smiles at Y/N with all her bags, and he lets her in.

“I can bring those up if you want. Go ahead into the kitchen, dinner’s all set.”

“Thanks, babe.” She pecks his lips and hands her things over to him. “Hi guys.” She says to the boys as she sits down.

“How are you feeling, Y/N?” Niall asks.

“Oh, I’m fine. Took it easy today, but I’m alright.”

“I couldn’t believe how hard that girl hit you, it was wild.” Louis says.

“Okay! Everyone can make up their own plates, have at it. Made your favorite, Y/N.”

“Thank you.” She blushes and makes up a plate.

It was like they were having a family dinner, it was sort of fun. Y/N had gotten to know Niall and Louis alright over the last couple of weeks. The boys help clean up with Y/N while Harry puts the leftovers away. The two go up to his room, and she flops onto his bed. Harry gets on and crawls up her body to straddle her. She starts giggling and shakes her head.

“What?”

“I just ate so much food, I need a minute.”

“Can you even do anything? How are your ribs?”

“They’re fine, but we probably shouldn’t be too aggressive.”

“You don’t have to do a thing if you don’t want to.”

“Harry.” She scoffs.

“We haven’t really been able to makeup since our little argument the other day, I wanna make you feel good.”

“What exactly are you proposing?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Well, you know me, I have a bit of sweet tooth.” He grins at her and she bites her bottom lip.

He situates himself between her legs and pulls her sweatpants down. She raises her hips up to help him, and he looks up at her just to make sure what they’re doing is okay. She nods yes, and he hooks his fingers into her underwear as well. He places soft kisses on her inner thigh, working his way to her center.

“H,Harry?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Would you do that thing where you, um, stick your tongue inside?” She was embarrassed and blushing, but she really liked it when he would do that.

“Want me to fuck you with my tongue?”

“Yeah.”

“Can do.” He smiles and dips his head back down.

He licks the flat of his tongue up her center and nibbles on her clit for a moment before licking into her. She bucks her hips up from the sensation, and he uses an arm to hold her down. He uses his other hand to rub her clit while he fucks her with his tongue.

“Fuck, oh my god.” She breathes and tangles his hair between her fingers.

He moves his face from side to side so she could catch some of the scruff on his chin, although, he only just started to grow some of his facial hair out. Harry shaved just about every day until Y/N told him once that she sort of liked the way it felt on her. Harry’s facial hair came in sort of patchy, so that’s why he would normally just shave it, but he was willing to grow it out a bit for her.

He rubs on her clit a little faster, and it has her panting and breathing rapidly. Her chest was heaving, and he could tell she was getting closer. She’s a whimpering mess when she comes to her release, and he continues to lap away at her.

“Holy shit.” She breathes as he sits up.

“Good?”

“So good, come here.”

He smiles and hovers over to kiss her. She was so fucked out she didn’t even care that she could taste herself on his tongue. He grinds himself against her and she winces.

“Too many clothes, get naked.” She whines.

Harry chuckles but does as she says. She takes her t-shirt off and sits up. She has him sit up against the wall so she can crawl into his lap.

“I think this’ll hurt less if I’m on top.”

“Whatever makes you more comfortable, baby.” He reaches over to his desk to grab a condom, but she swats it away.

“We’re only sleeping with each other, do we really need one?”

“I just like having it as a backup, as much as I love feeling you. Is that alright?”

“Yeah…”

She waits for him to roll it on and she slowly sinks down on top of him. He grips her hips and helps her move up and down on his dick. He bites down on her shoulder to muffle his moan when he feels how deep inside her he is. Her hands are tangled up in his hair again as she rocks back and forth on him. He licks a stripe up her neck and just under her earlobe to suck a mark on her. He snakes a hand between them to rub circles on her clit and she gasps.

“Fuck, how do you always know how to do that?” She groans. “Feels so fucking good.”

“I just know what you need, baby girl.” He nips at her bottom lip as he continues to rub her right where she needs it as she bounces up and down on his dick.

Her tongue glides against his, and she can feel sweat starting to pool between their bellies by how close they are. She feels the knot in her stomach starting to form again, and she hides her face in his neck. He keeps his other arm around her, hand gripping her ass.

“Y/N.” He groans, not being able to hold on much longer.

She cries out into his neck, and when her body starts to calm down a bit he comes. She clings to him for a moment before he lifts her off of him. She throws a t-shirt on and goes to the bathroom quickly while he slips into a pair of boxers. She double checks her two alarms, and he sets one on his clock-radio for her as well. He crawls into bed with her and spoons her. He kisses the back of her neck and sticks a leg between hers.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” He says.

“Um, sure?” She chuckles.

“When do you typically get your period?”

“What?!” She turns over and sits up. “Why, why would you ask me that?”

“Well, we’ve been together a couple of months now and you haven’t even mentioned it.”

“I…it’s not something I really wanna share with you, Harry. I don’t know, I probably got it before we started dating, and then I probably got it again before we started having sex, I…I’d have to check my pills to see when I get it next…couple of weeks, maybe?”

“I just don’t want you to think it’s something you need to keep a secret from me, like, if you wanna leave a box of tampons or whatever in the bathroom you can.”

“Harry.” She hides her face in her hands. “Please, this is too embarrassing.”

“Why?” He peels her hands away so she’ll look at him. “I just want you to feel comfortable…”

“It’s gross, that’s why. I wish I didn’t get it all, it’s a nuisance.” She sighs. “But thank you, I may bring some supplies here since you’re saying it’s alright.”

He kisses her cheek and brings her back down to him so they can spoon again. He snuggles her close and nestles into her hair. Y/N was frazzled. She had never met a guy like Harry, and she was honestly surprised he didn’t already have a girlfriend. She didn’t know a college guy could be so cool and chill about those types of things. She grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers, resting it against her lower stomach. He lets out a small sigh before falling asleep.

//

Y/N jumps out of Harry’s bed when she hears his clock-radio go off. He knuckles at his eyes and sits up as she shuffles around to grab her things. She goes down the hall to do her thing, and sees the bathroom door his closed. One of the boys must be in there. Louis opens the door, shirtless and only in his boxers.

“Morning.” He yawns and gestures for her to use the bathroom.

“Morning.” She blushes and goes in, and locks the door. She washes her face and brushes her teeth and quickly goes back into Harry’s room. She smiles when she sees him typing away at his laptop. “What are you doing?”

“Just answering some emails. I’m getting more tutoring requests with finals approaching.”

“I didn’t think you took a lot of classes that people would need help in.” She says as she braids her hair back.

“Well, I’m a study skills tutor too, so sometimes I meet with other students who just need tips on how to properly study.”

“Like flashcards and stuff like that?”

“There’s some of that, yeah. I explain how to code while reading, how to look at previous quizzes, sometimes they need help just emailing a professor too. I had to go through a training for it last year with the tutoring office. It’s good money so I don’t mind.”

She gets her jacket on and looks at him. She goes over and cups his jaw, giving him some kisses to his lips that were still slightly swollen from the night before.

“When do you leave tonight?”

“Around five, I think. Wanna meet up for lunch at the dining hall?”

“I’d love to.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later.”

“Alright, have a good practice.”

She grabs her things and heads out. She sees Niall and Louis getting their sneakers on.

“Do you guys have early lifts in the mornings?”

“Yeah, and then we have field times in the afternoons. So opposite of you.” Niall says. “Do you want a ride to the ice arena since we’re headed that way?”

“Do you mind? That would be great.”

“Don’t mind at all, pet.” Louis smiles and grabs one of her bags for her. “Your Harry’s girl now, so you’re our girl too.”

She giggles and follows them out to their car. She thanks them for dropping her off and she heads inside. It was a good practice, she was feeling much better. As she was changing after practice she could hear a few people snickering.

“What?” She looks at her friends.

“You and Harry really had some fun last night, huh?” Amanda says.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your neck and shoulder.” Amanda takes her mirror out of her gym locker to show her. Y/N gasps.

“Oh my god…”

“I mean, I like a hickey just as much as the next person, but shit.” Gina says.

“He…does it when he’s trying to be quiet. His roommates were home and sometimes he moans, like, really loud.” She smirks. “It’s cute.”

“Ooo, Y/N’s giving Harry that good good.” Amanda teases with a squeal.

“Shut up.” She nudges her. “I like that he moans, you always hear of guys never making any noise, what’s the fun in that?”

“The complexities of liking dick.” Gina laughs.

“You know what makes you guys lucky?” Y/N says as she pulls her sweatshirt on. “You don’t have to worry about condoms.”

“Aren’t you on the pill?” Amanda asks as they all leave the building to walk up to campus.

“Yeah, but Harry likes using condoms as a backup, which makes sense. Sometimes I just wish he wasn’t so responsible. It hurts a little whenever he pulls out when he wears one, and it kind of hurts for a couple of days after.” Both Amanda and Gina stop short. “What?”

“Do you think you’re allergic to latex?” Gina asks. “Or the spermicide?”

“Oh shit, I didn’t even think of that.” Y/N groans. “What am I supposed to use, sheepskin?” She makes a gagging noise.

“No, I’m pretty sure there are latex free condoms that aren’t sheepskin. We’re going to WalMart after lunch to get snacks for the bus, we can look while we’re there.” Amanda says.

“Good idea, thanks. Harry’s gonna join at lunch, so don’t mention any of this, okay? He worries about every little thing, and I don’t want him to get anxious.”

The girls agree, and they head to their apartment to drop their things off before class. Friday classes should be illegal, but Y/N only had Mind, Brain, and Evolution on Fridays, so it wasn’t terrible. When she finally gets to the dining hall she sees Harry waiting outside for her. God, he looked so fucking good. He had a light blue sweater on with some khakis, and his beanie. She loves the way the ends of curls would peak out of the hat. She throws her arms around him and kisses his cheek.

“You didn’t have to wait out here.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” He smiles and kisses her lips before going inside.

They both grab their food and sit down together at the girl’s hockey table. Everyone greets Harry, and he joins in on the conversations circling around him.

“Do you have anywhere to be after this?” He says to her.

“We’re going to WalMart to get snacks, and then I need to get my overnight bag together. You can come over to help me pack if you want.”

“Sounds good.”

“Are you gonna go out tonight, or anything?”

“Yeah, Louis and Niall have a home game tonight, so I’m gonna go to support them, and then there’s most likely going to be a party at the soccer house, so I’ll probably go to that for a bit.”

“Okay.”

“Is that alright?”

“Yeah, I don’t care.” She shrugs.

They kiss goodbye before she hops in Ashley’s car to go to WalMart. She grabs the snacks she wants, and then Amanda and Gina yank her down to the aisle with the condoms. They read the boxes and find a brand that still prevents against STDs, but didn’t have latex.

“Try these and then see how you feel.” Gina says. “I wish we could be more help…” She laughs.

“This is help enough, thanks. I should probably go to my doctor and just have an allergy test done.”

“You two had sex last night, right? How does your vagine feel?” Amanda asks.

“Sore, honestly.” She sighs. “I thought it was just like this because we do it a lot and it’s still so new for my body, but he’s mostly gentle when we’re doing it, I suppose being allergic to latex would make the most sense.” She throws the box in the cart with everything else. “Hey, can I ask you guys something?”

“Of course!” Amanda says.

“Anything!” Gina says.

“When you’re hooking up consistently with a girl, do you ever ask her when her period is?”

“I synced up with a girl once.” Gina says.

“Sometimes it gets brought up, like, a girl has told me when she’s on hers so we don’t venture down south, why?” Amanda asks.

“Harry asked me last night when my next one would be. I just found it to be peculiar that the topic didn’t gross him out.”

“God, every time you tell us something about him, it astounds me how much of a man he really is. I would very much like to shake his mother’s hand.” Gina says. “He’s met Ang, have you met his mom yet?”

“Well, considering that she lives in fucking London, no, I haven’t.” Y/N rolls her eyes.

“You could FaceTime.” Amanda suggests.

“We could, but I’m way too nervous. Meeting a guy’s mom is so much different that meeting the girl’s mom. I mean, it’s just her and his sister, that’s her baby boy, I wanna make sure I make a good impression.”

“He’s also your baby boy, and that’s all I’m saying on that.” Amanda says.

“Yeah, baby girl.” Gina teases.

“I’m not going to tell you guys anything he says to me anymore if you’re going to make fun of us.” Y/N pouts.

“Please! No, don’t take the stories away, they’re too good.” Gina says.

The girls pay for their things and meet up with the people they drove with, and head inside their apartment. Harry comes over to watch Y/N pack her things.

“I don’t think you got enough snacks, think you could use some more.” He says sarcastically.

“We get hungry on these longer rides.”

“You’re only going for one night.” He rummages through her WalMart bags to see what she got.

“Harry, wait-“

His eyes grow wide when he sees the box of condoms. He takes them out and holds them up.

“Why do you need these if you’re going away?”

“I hadn’t put all of my shit away yet.” She snatches the box from him and tosses it in her closet.

“You didn’t need to buy those, babe, I can take care of that.”

“Well, it’s just…you know, it should be both of our responsibility.”

“But,” He grabs the box from her closet, “this isn’t the brand I usually buy. These aren’t even ribbed.” He says as he reads the box.

“No, but…they don’t have latex in them…” She blushes and takes the box back from him. “I think I may be allergic or something.”

“How’d you come to that conclusion?”

“Because I noticed that afterwards…I’m sore for a couple of days, and-“

“Y/N.” He sighs and sits on the edge of her bed, pulling her onto his lap. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“I don’t know.” She looks down as she wraps her arms around his neck. “I thought I was just getting used to you still.”

“But if you were in pain afterwards I’d want you to tell me. Am I too rough?”

“No! That’s just it, you’re not. So…I mean, I was talking to the girls about it and they asked me if I was allergic to latex, so we got those while we were out and I figured we could give them a try when I get back. It’ll be like an experiment.”

“Is that why you don’t always want to use one?”

“Yeah, I’m never sore after we don’t use one.”

“Alright, then we’ll try those. I’m sorry, baby. If I had known we could have bought those sooner.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s on me.”

“I just want you to talk to me about these things, that’s all.”

“It’s embarrassing, Harry.” She groans. “I don’t wanna talk about my vagina with you.” She pouts.

“God, you’re cute.” He pecks her lips. “No, you just like when I lick on you, is that it?”

“Ugh, I don’t have time for this.”

“You don’t have to be at your bus until five, it’s 3:45, think you have plenty of time…if you want, that is.”

“M’sore.” She says shyly. “But…if you did wanna lick on me…I would do the same to you.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea.” He grins.

She stands up and makes sure her door is locked before getting her pants off. He takes care of her first, getting her back to arch off the bed from the sheer force of her orgasm. She practically growls at him when she undoes his pants. She gets between his legs and gets her lips wrapped around his tip in seconds. Her ass was in the air, and he couldn’t help but reach forward and finger her from behind.

“Oh!” She gasps and looks at him. “That’s different.”

“Does it feel okay?”

“Yeah…I just…it’s your turn is all.”

“Babe, we’re just having some fun, it doesn’t matter. I’ll make you come as many times as I can, I don’t give a fuck if I only get one.”

“Oh my god.” She breathes and puts her mouth back on him.

She moans around him as his fingers pump in and out of her, and it makes him buck up into her. She gags for a second but keeps going.

“Y/N.” He grunts. “This would be a little easier if we just-“

“No.” She mumbles with him still in her mouth.

“But if we just-“

“I don’t want my entire ass in your face!” She uses her hand to pump him quickly, and he removes his fingers from her to grip at her sheets. She rubs her thumb over his tip how he likes, and his eyes roll into the back of his head.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna come.” He groans, and she puts her mouth back on his tip to gets everything in her mouth.

She pops off of him and swallows. She was getting more used to that, and the taste didn’t bother her as much. Once his breathing goes back to normal he tackles her down where he was laying and she giggles.

“What are you doing?”

“Gonna finish what I started, love, otherwise you’ll be restless on that bus.” He slips his fingers back inside her and she moans out. “Course, I could be mean and just get you really worked up so you’d have to think of me while you’re in that hotel room of yours.”

“Mm, yeah, you know they make us share beds, four to a room, so that wouldn’t really, fuck, work for me.”

“Really? They don’t make the boys share beds.”

“God forbid.” She grunts as he goes in knuckle deep and curls his fingers up.

“Feel alright? I know you said you were sore earlier.”

“No, it feels fine, really good, actually.” She pants. “Fuck, Harry, oh my god!”

He loved watching her face when she’d come to her release. She always bit her bottom lip really hard and squeezed her eyes shut, and then her mouth would fall open as she’d come down. He retracts his fingers and wipes them off on his thigh before grabbing his boxers and pants to put back on.

“I just need to, um, pee. I’ll be right back.” She almost felt lightheaded as she stood up. She puts her sweatpants back on and goes down the hall to clean herself up. Amanda peeps her head out of her room, as does Gina.

“What the fuck were you two doing in there?” Gina chuckles.

“Um, he just made me come so hard that everything went white, so…”

“Damn, boy’s got a good dick.” Amanda says.

“He does, but he didn’t use it. Just his fingers.”

“Oh shit.” Gina says, impressed. “Maybe he was a lesbian in another life.”

They all burst out laughing, and Y/N goes back to her room. She kisses Harry a few times and then finishes getting her bags together.

“I’ll text you later when we’re at the hotel. Have fun at the soccer game.”

“I will, safe travels. When do you think you’ll be back tomorrow?”

“No idea, but I’ll let you know once we hit the road.”

“Sounds good, love you.” He pecks her lips.

“Love you too.” She smiles and waves him off as he leaves.

//

The boys and girls soccer teams won, so there was a rager at the boy’s soccer house. Harry pregames with Niall and Louis before going over. He had a long-sleeve black button up on with the first few buttons undone, and a ripped pair of black jeans. He cracks open a beer and sips on it as he talks to some of the guys at the house.

Harry gets a good buzz going, opting to play a few rounds of beer pong, and flip cup with some people he knew in the kitchen.

Y/N: just got to the hotel, hope you’re having a good night!

Harry: wish you were here, missing my dance partner ;p sweet dreams baby

“Harry, you’re turn!” Niall shouts and Harry flips his cup effortlessly. He finishes off his drink and grabs another one.

“Well, look who it is.” A girl named Maggie comes up to Harry to make a drink of her own. Harry hooked up with Maggie last semester.

“Maggie, um, hi.” He blushes. “How are you.”

“Good! Haven’t seen you since school started.”

“Yeah, I got busy…with the, uh, tutoring.”

“Right.” She nods and takes a sip of her drink. “You look good, Har.”

“Thanks.” He takes a sip of his own drink.

“So, are you here alone?”

“I came with Niall and Louis.” He points over to the guys as they’re still playing flip cup.

“No, I mean…” She puts her hand on his shoulder and steps closer to him. “Like, you’re not here with anyone?”

“Well…my girlfriend is away tonight, she’s on the hockey team.” He swallows, unsure of what in the fuck was happening. “They have an away game tomorrow, so they had to leave tonight to get there on time.”

“Poor thing.” She pouts at him. “Are you feeling a little lonely? I know how you can be.” She had backed him into a corner and pressed herself up against him. His hands were not on her at all and he just didn’t know what to do.

“Maggie, could you, uh, you’re a little too close.”

“Am I?” She bats her eyelashes up at him. “I don’t think we’re close enough, if you ask me.”

Harry looks over at Niall and Louis, hoping to catch their attention. He didn’t want to be rude, but he needed this girl to step off. He looks down at her and frowns.

“Did you not hear me? I said I have a girlfriend.”

“I heard you say she was gone for the night. Come on, Harry, have a little fun. You’re not married.”

“This isn’t fun for me.” He pushes her away and goes over to Niall and Louis. He tells them what happened and that he’s going to leave.

“Mate, don’t go.” Louis frowns. “Night’s just getting started.”

“I’m not having fun anymore. I used to hook up with Maggie, and we hooked up right when school started. Y/N’s not here, and I don’t feel right.”

“So…what, you’re not gonna come out unless she’s with you?” Niall asks.

“What’s the main goal of coming to a party? Finding someone to hook up with. I don’t need to be here if she’s not here. It’s too dangerous. I’m gonna go home, I’ll see you guys later.”

“Wait.” Louis sighs. “We’ll come with you.”

“No, you guys had a major win tonight, you should stay and celebrate. I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“You’re drunk, H, we should go with you.” Niall says.

“M’not drunk. I can make it back. Please stay, it’s fine.”

Harry makes his way out of the house and bumps into Maggie again.

“For fuck’s sake.” He says to himself as she looks at him with a devious smile.

“Where you going, Harry?”

“Home.”

“Need some company?”

“Not from you.” He shakes his head and she pouts at him.

“Damn, who knew some hockey bitch could have you so whipped.”

He wanted to strangle her, and Harry was not a violent person in the slightest. He just couldn’t believe one female athlete would say that about another.

“You may be alright with trying to fuck up someone’s relationship, but I’m not. Get some fucking help.” He brushes by her and gets out of the house quickly. The cold air hits him a little too hard, and his stomach turns. He shakes it off and makes his way home. He couldn’t believe that even after he said he had a girlfriend that Maggie would still try to pull a move on him.

Harry gets inside and feels so disgusted that he decides to take a shower. Maybe taking a shower while buzzed wasn’t a great idea, but it certainly calmed him down. He was never going to a party without Y/N again. The thing he wasn’t sure about was if he should tell her about the altercation. Maybe if he had been sober he would have waited until the morning to text her, but there he was, towel hanging low on his hips, water dripping from his hair, as he typed out his message.

Harry: baby, I’m home now, I had to leave that party. I know you’re sleeping, but this girl tried to hook up with me, even after I told her I had a girlfriend! Can you believe that?! I got away from her, but she got really close to me. Nothing happened, but I just wanted you to know…for whatever reason. I love you so much, I hope you know I would never do anything to put our relationship at risk. I’m sorry for texting you like this while you’re sleeping, I just needed you to know.

His anxiety had fully taken over at this point. After he hit send he immediately regretted it. He knew he should have waited.

“Fucking moron.” He chews on his nails. Now he had to wait until morning for her to answer. He flops onto his bed and puts his headphones in so he could fall asleep to a podcast.

//

Y/N rubs her eyes as she wakes up the next morning, and they widen when she sees the massive text from Harry.

“What the fuck?” She says, sitting up.

“What is it?” Amanda groans next to her, sitting up as well.

“Some girl tried to fuck Harry last night!”

“What?!” This wakes Gina up in the other bed. They were also rooming with this other girl Becca who they were pretty good friends with.

“He said nothing happened, and he left right away, but she got really close to him even after he said he had a girlfriend.” She sighs. “Fuck, do you guys mind if I call him quick? His anxiety must be through the roof. He sent this at like one in the morning.”

“Go ahead, Y/N.” Amanda rubs her back as she dials his number.

“Y/N?” Harry says groggily through the phone.

“Hey, I just saw your text, are you alright?”

“M’fine.” He mumbles.

“Did you know this girl prior?”

“Yeah…”

“How?”

“She…well…ugh, don’t be made, but I used to hook up with her. Mostly last semester, and then a couple times when school started. It was before we met, Y/N.”

“So…she came up to you thinking you were single, you told her you weren’t, and she still tried to take you home?”

“Yeah, but I got away from her.”

“Where were Niall and Louis?”

“Playing flip cup, they offered to leave with me, but I told them they didn’t need to.”

“What’s this girl’s name?”

“What does it matter?”

“I just wanna know.”

“Maggie…she’s a junior.”

“Wonderful.”

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not…and nothing happened?”

“No! I got outta there and went right home. I’m so sorry, I’m never going out without you again.”

“Don’t say that, you can go out. I want you to have fun, Harry.”

“I didn’t have much fun last night.” He mumbles.

“I’m sorry, Harry. Hopefully that girl has learned her lesson.”

“I know you’re probably gonna be tired when you get back to campus later, but…would you come over?”

“Of course! The second I get to campus I’ll be at your place, alright?”

“Okay…thanks babe.”

“Yeah.” She looks at the girls and she feels terrible. “Did you sleep last night?”

“I listened to a podcast and it helped me drift off, yeah.”

“Okay.” She sighs. “We have to get ready and eat breakfast and stuff…”

“Alright, I’ll be watching the live stream later, so know I’ll be rooting for you.”

“Thanks.” She smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Y/N goes onto Harry’s Instagram to see who follows him, looking for anyone named Maggie. She finds one, and her page wasn’t private, so she was able to look at her photos.

“This girl used to hook up with Harry, and she tried to last night. She’s…like…really pretty.” Y/N frowns, and show’s Amanda. “He said he left right away, but…how could he go from her to me.”

“Y/N!” Gina says. “You’re one of the fucking hottest girls on campus, don’t talk about yourself like that. Besides, he got out of there because he wants you, not her, and because he’s not a fucking dick. Don’t let this bother you.”

//

The game went really well. The girls won 4-2, and had a nice big dinner to celebrate. Y/N texts Harry the second they’re on the road. He tells her to let her know when the buses are close so he can meet her down at the ice arena to walk her back to his place.

He got some homework done, and spoke to Niall and Louis about how uncomfortable Maggie had made him. They apologized for not immediately going home with him to make sure he was alright. Harry smirks when he sees some of the other significant others waiting down at the ice arena for the girls. It was only around 9:30 when the bus pull in.

“My house, one hour, ladies!” Ashley yells as everyone gets off the bus.

Y/N runs right over to Harry, and throws her arms around him. He lifts her up so her legs can wrap around his waist. She kisses all over his face, and he smiles.

“Hey, beautiful. That was a great game.”

“You watched the whole thing?”

“Mhm.”

“You’re the best.” He sets her down and grabs her bags for her. “We don’t have to go to Ashley’s tonight if you don’t want to.”

“Do you want to?”

“Well…yeah, but-“

“I’ll go.” He shrugs. “Could use some actual fun after last night.”

“We don’t have to stay long, I just wanna make an appearance.”

“S’fine with me, love.”

They both get ready, and before they leave, Y/N goes into the living room to see Louis and Niall playing video games. She clears her throat so they’ll look at her. They pause the game.

“Do you guys wanna come to the hockey house with us?”

“Sure!” Louis says. “Sounds like fun.”

“Yeah, I’m in.” Niall says.

Harry puts his arm around Y/N’s shoulders as they walk to Ashley’s place. They all get to drinking once they’re there, and it’s a great time as always. Y/N and Harry get into a game of up and down the river with some of the other girls. That game was extremely dangerous, but super fun. Once they’re done, they find themselves in the basement, dancing the night away.

“Missed you so much last night.” Harry says into her ear as she grinds back against him.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” His hands grips her hips harder to pulls her even closer. He starts kissing on her neck and her head rolls back to his shoulder.

“Missed you too.” She turns around to press her front to his and his hands slide down to her ass. “I have some of those new condoms in my bag…” She kisses on his neck. “Wanna go try them?”

“Yup!” He yanks her up the stairs from the basement, through the house and outside. He gives her a piggyback ride back to his place, and she continues to kiss on his neck.

He gets them inside and up the stairs to his room. She rifles through her bag for the condoms and takes them out. He cups her jaw and sticks his tongue in her mouth, and she immediately sucks on it. She tugs at the collar of his shirt, and starts to unbutton it the rest of the way. She pushes his shirt off his shoulders and kisses down his stomach as she gets on her knees to undo his pants. She yanks his jeans and boxers down and gives his hard cock a few licks and kisses before standing up. He pulls her top off and gets her out of the rest of her clothes. He snatches a condom and rolls it on. He gets her on the bed and opens her legs up. He rubs his fingers up and down her slit to make sure she’s wet before pushing in.

“Oh fuck!” She cries. “Harry.” She moans as he rocks in and out of her.

He looks down between the two of them to watch himself go in and out. She grabs one of his hands to put on her breast. He gets the idea and leans down to suck on one of her nipples while he kneads the other one.

“Harder, Harry, please.” She whines.

He sits up a little and puts her legs over his shoulders. He gives it to her hard and fast, and it fucking sends her. Her head rolls back into his pillows and she grips at the sheets. His tip rubs up against her g-spot over and over, and she can feel herself almost ready to lose it. He feels her squeezing around him, and he loves it. He loves being the only one to do this to her.

“Okay?” He grunts.

“Amazing! Don’t stop!” She doesn’t give a fuck how loud she’s being, she feels way too good to care.

He drops one of her legs to rub at her clit, he barely even needs to touch her and she loses it. She cries out, but he doesn’t let up. He continues to thrust in and out of her.

“Come here.” She whimpers.

They’re chest to chest, kissing sloppily, as his thrusts get less rhythmic. She knew he had to be close now.

“Wanna come, Harry?” She coos.

“Want me to?”

“Don’t you want to?” She laughs.

“I could actually keep going.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” She laughs again and so does he.

“Think I’ve got the opposite of whiskey dick.”

“I’m good to keep going.” She bites her bottom lip. “Wanna try something fun?” He nods yes and kisses on her neck. “What if I ride you, but reverse?”

He pulls out of her immediately, and gets them both in position, making her giggle. He lays flat on his back while she raises and lowers on him. She looks over her shoulder at him. His head was thrown back and he was squeezing at her hips. He sits up and she squeals when he starts thrusting up into her. He gets an arm hooked around her, squeezing one of her breasts, and his other hand rubs at her clit.

“Oh fuck.” He groans. “I’m gonna come, oh my fucking god.” He bites down on her shoulder, and this pushes her over the edge, and feeling her release pushes him over the edge. He spills into the condom and cries out into her neck. “Jesus Christ.” He breathes. He kisses on her shoulder as he catches his breath. “Alright, up you go, babe.” He lifts her off and she whimpers at the loss of him.

He gets up to throw the condom away, and she puts on his black button up to go use the bathroom. He uses it after her and comes back to her nearly passed out in the bed.

“M’so tired, Harry.” She whines.

“I know, you’ve had a long day, huh?” He climbs into bed with her.

“Yeah.” She snuggles up to him and he throws his arm around her. “But there’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.” She kisses on his chest and it makes him smile ear to ear.

//

Even though a few days had passed from the soccer house incident, Y/N grimaced every time she saw Maggie around. Harry assured Y/N that it really wasn’t that big of a deal, and that they should both let it go. He didn’t even know she would know who Maggie was. Harry said he liked sportier girls, but Maggie wasn’t sporty in the slightest. She was tall and skinny, she could be a model for Christ’s sake. Y/N spots Ari in the dining hall during breakfast one morning, and goes over to her while she’s making a coffee.

“Hey, Ari.” Y/N says shyly.

“Oh, um, hi, Y/N.”

The girls weren’t exactly friends, but they weren’t exactly enemies either. Ari was dating Scott, but Y/N was still the girl that crushed all chances of her getting with Harry.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“You’ve been close with Harry for a while…do you remember when he was hooking up with some girl named Maggie?”

“Yes, unfortunately.” She sighs as she adds some cream to her coffee. “They had public speaking together last semester, and I guess it was a debate day and they were on opposing sides, and the next thing he knew he was getting his dick sucked in the custodial closet in Smith Hall.” She rolls her eyes. “They hooked up pretty consistently, mostly on the weekends after a party. I thought he was done with her after this summer, but I guess the hooked up a couple of times at the beginning of the school year. Then you sort of started to take over.” She sips her coffee. “He was very concerned about tutoring you, or whatever. The boys mostly talked with him about Maggie, I didn’t really care to listen. She had texted him one night and he didn’t answer…he said he had a thing for someone else and didn’t want to fuck her anymore.”

“Wow.” Y/N was trying to take everything in. “He really said that?”

“I didn’t take you for the insecure type, Y/N.”

“It’s hard not to be…she’s, like, perfect.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah.”

“I honestly only think he was hooking up with her because she had more experience than he did. And I think he only hooked up with her at the beginning of the school year because he wanted to show her how much better he had gotten over the summer or something.”

“Seriously?” She makes a disgusted face.

“Harry’s a great guy, but he’s still a guy.” She chuckles. “Anyways, he’s really into you, you have to know that.”

“I do…I guess I just freaked out for a second. She saw him at a party Friday and tried to make a move.”

“I heard about that. You shouldn’t worry, he got right out of there.”

“That’s what he said.” She smiles at the girl. “Thanks, Ari.”

“No problem.” She shrugs and walks away.

//

Harry and Y/N were doing homework together in his room one evening. He lifts his glasses and knuckles at his eyes.

“Alright, I think I need a break before my eyes pop out of me head.” He closes his laptop and gets up. “Need a snack? I’m gonna grab some chips.”

“Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

He nods and leaves to go retrieve some food. He comes back with a couple of sodas and chips, and tosses her a can.

“I’ve been needing to ask, how have you been feeling with those condoms?”

“Oh!” She nearly chokes on her soda. “Um, good. I’m not sore anymore. When I go home go home for winter break I’m gonna see my doctor so she can check me out and test me for the allergy.”

“Good idea. I’m glad you’re not in any pain, I felt really bad.” He sips on his soda and pops a few chips into his mouth. “I’m really excited to go home with you in a few days.”

“Me too!”

“What will the, uh, sleeping arrangements be like?”

“As chill as my mom is, we can’t stay in the same room.” She rolls her eyes. “So you’ll be in my room, and I’m going to bunk with my sisters.”

“And you have a younger sister and brother, right?”

“Mhm, my sister is a senior, and my brother is a freshman.”

“Little guy.”

“Mhm, he was quite the surprise, but he’s super cute.”

“Do they play sports too?”

“My brother plays hockey, but my sister is into theater. She’s applied to every school in New York she could, but also applied here as a backup.”

“Do you two get along or not so much?”

“When we were in high school not at all, but we do now. I think the distance made her miss me. We shared a room when we were younger so we were just always on top of each other. My mom was able to buy a bigger house when the bar really took off.”

“And…your dad?”

“Not in the picture.” Y/N chomps down on a chip. “He sends us birthday cards and shit like that, but that’s all the contact I need from him. I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” She shrugs. “We shut down the bar on Thanksgiving and have a big dinner in there with our family, I think you’ll really like it.”

“I’m looking forward to it, babe. What time is she coming to get us Wednesday?”

“She said around nine. You should probably let us pick you up here. I’m sure she knows what we’re doing, but she doesn’t need to see it first-hand.”

“Good idea.”

“Also, since you to know these things…I do have my period, so there won’t be much funny business.”

“Can’t really fool around when we’re staying in separate rooms, can we?” He smirks.

“Please, she’ll be running around the bar at night, I’m sure I could sneak in a blow job.”

“Wouldn’t feel like doing that now would you?”

“Not particularly.” She chuckles and then pouts at him when he makes an offended face. “Just not in a very sexy mood right now. My cramps are killing me.”

“Do you need any ibuprofen?”

“No, I took some earlier, thanks. I think just some cuddles tonight will do the trick.”

“That can definitely be arranged.” He kisses her cheek. “After we finish up the rest of this homework.”

“What are your finals looking like? I have one paper, and four presentations. Four! I mean, I’m glad I don’t have an actual test, but still. It’s a lot to remember.”

“Is the paper for Mind, Brain, and Evolution?”

“Yeah, I’ve already started it. Do you think when I finish it you could give it a once over?”

“I’d be happy to, babe. I have a few presentations, two of them are group projects which is super annoying for a final. I’ll be happy when this semester is over.”

“Me too. I get two weeks off, and then I come back second week of January. We have a lot of games.”

“When does the season end? Do you ever get a break?”

“It technically ends at the beginning of February, but if we make it to the playoffs and championship it could be beginning of March, and then we get a break. We all still go to the gym and stuff together, but I get a couple of months where I can sleep in which is nice.” She grabs her laptop and so does he. “What do you do for winter break?” She asks without looking at him.

“I go home, I’m really excited. I’ve secured a paid internship at a law office. I’ll miss working in the bakery, but I can do that over the summer if I want. This’ll be a way better use of my time.”

“That’s really exciting, Har. Is that what you want to do? Law?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. I’m just trying out some different things. I really like what I’m learning in my ethics class, so I thought maybe law would be cool. It would mean a lot of extra school though, so we’ll see.” He shrugs. “Six whole weeks we won’t see each other, gonna miss me?” He grins.

“Shut up.” She nudges him. “We’ll just have to figure out when to FaceTime with the time change.”

“It’s only six hours ahead, it’ll be easy enough to figure out. I’ll be able to introduce you to all my friends…and, um, maybe my mum too?”

“I’d like that.” She smiles at him and gets back to her work.

//

The ride to Y/N’s house only takes about an hour and twenty minutes. Harry sat in the back and listened as Angie spoke about how the weekend would go.

“Harry, I hope you don’t mind staying in Y/N’s room. I guess I’m old fashioned that way.”

“Oh! It’s no problem at all. Your house, your rules. I’m grateful you invited me. It was really boring on campus last year.”

“We’re happy to have you, honey.” She smiles back at him and then looks at Y/N. “Your siblings have a half day today, so they should be home around eleven.”

“What are their names again?” Harry asks as Angie pulls into driveway.

“Julie and Cooper.” Y/N says as she gets out.

Harry grabs their bags, and she leads him inside, and up the stairs.

“So, my mom’s bedroom is downstairs, makes it easier for her to be quiet on the late nights, and then all of ours are up here.” Y/N explains. “Here’s my room. My sister and I have a Jack and Jill bathroom, and then there’s another on down the hall.”

She pushes the door open and Harry gazes around. Her room was…shocking. It was a lot different from her room from school. The walls were a light pink, and her bedding was baby blue. She had plenty of trophies, but she also had posters of boy bands. There was a huge Jonas Brothers poster on the wall opposite of the bed. She also had a large poster of Zac Efron, and Tyler Seguin.

“It’s a little outdated in here, I just never think to redecorate.” She shrugs.

“No, it’s, um, it’s cute.” He clears his throat and puts his bag on her bed.

“Here, I’ll show you the bathroom.”

“And I’ll share this with you and your sister?”

“Yeah, but if you feel more comfortable you can use the one down the hall.”

She opens the door and shows him where he can put his things, if he wants, and then she shows him her sister’s room, which was a mess. She had a set of bunk beds, which had clothes all over them.

“Ugh, I told her she needed to clean up in here.” Y/N rolls her eyes. “Sorry about that.” She shuffles him back into her room.

“No worries, looks like any other house.” He smiles.

They both go downstairs and she shows him the rest of the house. Angie was working to whip up some sandwiches for lunch.

“You have a lovely home.” Harry says as he and Y/N sit down at the kitchen island.

“Oh, thank you, sweetheart.” She smile and places two sandwiches in front of them.

“Thanks, mum.”

“I have to go do some work in the office, let Julie and Coop know there’s lunch made when they come in.” She smiles and leaves the kitchen.

“Your mum is really nice.”

“She loves it when she has all of us home, and she loves being a host.”

“I cannot believe you did that!”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“Oh boy.” Y/N sighs. “They’re home.”

“I’m never driving your friends home ever again, in fact, you can fucking walk!” Julie storms into the kitchen and stops short.

“Technically, that’s my car, and I say you have to drive him.”

“Y/N!” Julie smiles and hugs her sister. “Cooper and his friend decided to spill the beans that I have a crush on my friend Brian, and Brian just so happened to be in the front seat of my car.”

She huffs and grabs a sandwich. Y/N puts her hands on her hips and looks at Cooper.

“Why would you do that?”

“It just slipped out.” He shrugs and hugs her. “Oh, yum, mum made sandwiches.” He snatches one and looks at Harry, so does Julie.

“Sorry, this is my boyfriend, Harry.”

“It’s nice to meet you both.”

Julie’s jaw drops when she hears his accent. She goes over to Y/N and whispers in her ear.

“You didn’t say he was British!”

“I can hear you.” Harr whispers and smirks.

“Sorry, um, it’s just…I wish I had known sooner. Our production at school is Mary Poppins, I’m Mary Poppins, and it just would have been nice to listen to you talk so I could study a real accent. I’ve just been watching videos of Julie Andrews.”

“Wow! You’re the lead, that’s so cool. Will we get to see it?”

“Mhm, opening was last weekend, but we always do a show during Thanksgiving break. Friday night.” She smiles and then heads upstairs.

“Clean up the clothes up there!” Y/N yells after her.

“Cooper, Y/N tells me you play hockey too, has your season started?”

“Not until after the holidays.” He finishes up his sandwich. “Not that it matters.” He rolls his eyes.

“Why do you say that?” Y/N asks.

“Because I’m a freshman on the varsity team, I’m gonna be riding the bench the whole season.”

“You made vars for a reason, they’ll let you play.” Y/N assures him, and then he leaves.

“You’re all so talented. Your sister is a lead in a play, your brother’s on the varsity team, and you…well, everything about you is amazing.”

“Harry.” She pouts and then kisses him. “You’re so sweet.”

“So, what are the plans for tonight?”

“Well, my mom is gonna go to the bar to work and to prep some of the food for tomorrow.”

“Does she need help?”

“Nope, she makes a lot of it advance. Most if it thawing in the fridges probably. We’ll hang out here for a bit, and then we’ll go to my friend Max’s house for a kickback.”

“Max, huh?”

“Just a friend.” She smiles and then furrows her brows. “I think you’re, like, my first real boyfriend.” She blushes.

“Awwww.” He squishes her face and kisses her. “I’m honored.”

Harry and Y/N mostly hang out in her room. Julie was mindlessly singing in her room, and Cooper was playing video games in his. Y/N ends up heating up a lasagna that Angie left for them for dinner.

“I need my car tonight.” She tells Julie.

“Why?”

“Max is having a party.”

“Can I come?”

“No.”

“Why not?!”

“Don’t you have your own friends to hang out with?” Y/N groans. “I’m not bringing you to a party where a bunch of my friends are going to be drinking and smoking and whatever else, plus, you need to stay home with Coop.”

“I’m fifteen, I don’t need a babysitter.” He scoffs.

“Can you both please just give me a break? I’m only home for a few days, and I just want one night to go see my friends.”

“Will you take us Black Friday shopping?” Julie asks.

“Fine.”

“Okay, your keys are in the bowl by the door.”

Harry and Y/N get ready in her room, and let Julie and Cooper know that they’re heading out and will be home a little after midnight. She needed to be home before her mom.

“So, how long have you been friends with Max? You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“Known him since elementary school, became good friends in eighth grade, became even better friends in high school. We talk when we can. He goes to a school a few hours away, and we’re both busy.” She shrugs. “Some other friends will be there too: Michelle, Brandy, Ryan, Candace, and probably others. Max has a big basement.”

She pulls up in front of his house, and goes around back to where the basement door was. She walks right in, and she squeals along with some other people. It was hugs all around. She introduces Harry to everyone, and grabs a couple of drinks out of the cooler. There were people vaping, and there were other people smoking weed.

“Y/N!” Max exclaims.

“Max!”

He lifts her up and spins her around, and kisses her cheek. Harry clears his throat.

“Max, this is my boyfriend, Harry. Remember, I told you I was bringing him?”

“Oh, right.” He shakes Harry’s hand. “Nice to meet you, man.”

“Same here.”

Harry looked hot tonight. He had his contacts in, he was wearing his black ripped jeans, and a dark green sweater. He puts his arm around Y/N’s shoulders and takes a sip of his drink. Harry stays sort of quiet as Y/N catches up with her friends, but she never leaves his side. She tells all of them how she and Harry met, and she kisses his cheek. It felt nice to finally bring a real date around her friends. Harry notices how attentive Max is to Y/N. Offering her a new drink just about every time her current one was empty.

They all get into a game of flip cup for a bit, and then someone starts playing really good music so a few people start to dance.

“Did you all party like this in high school?” Harry asks Y/N as he grips her hips.

“God, no! We’d usually just watch movies or hang out down here. We started having parties like this over the summer.”

“His parents can’t hear?”

“They’re not home! Everyone’s down at my mom’s bar drinking. She always does this big special the night before Thanksgiving. No one wants to cook the night before, you know?”

“Smart!”

She wraps her arms around his neck and grinds her front against his. They were having a great time.

“Damn, Y/N’s boyfriend is hot!” Michelle says to Max.

“I guess.” He mumbles.

“What are you so bent out of shape for?” Ryan asks.

“I don’t know…I forgot she was bringing him home. I didn’t think things were this serious, look at them!”

“She told me that they love each other.” Michelle says.

“Not helping.” Max groans. “It’s my own fucking fault. Should have made a move last summer.”

“Didn’t you guys make out?” Ryan asks.

“We kissed, and that was forever ago. It was summer before we went for freshman year. She hadn’t been kissed and neither had I, and we both wanted our first kiss to be special, so we got it over with, with each other. Neither of us ever talked about it again, but I wish I had. Now she’s kissing someone else.” He sighs.

And she was. Her tongue was inside Harry’s mouth. Her period was making her extra needy for him. She pulls him back towards the couch in the basement. There were plenty of other people making out, so it wasn’t a big deal. He sits down and she sits on one of his thighs, not wanting to straddle him and risk leaking. She tugs at his hair and attaches her lips to his neck. He gropes at her ass and bites his bottom lip as she sucks on his soft skin.

“Do you think, um, you’ll be able to drive back to my house?” She says into his ear.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Are you about ready to go?”

“Mhm.” She grins. “But I want you to drive us out somewhere first, somewhere I’ve always wanted to go with someone special.”

He smiles and nods. They both get up and say their goodbyes. Y/N hugs her friends, and gives Max an extra squeeze before leaving. She tells Harry where to go, and they end up parked out on this hill that has a beautiful view of the water and the nearby city.

“Wow.” He says. There are other cars parked and he smirks. “Did you bring me to a make out spot?”

“Maybe.” She grins. “I’ve only ever been here during the day. Wanna get in the back?”

He nods and they both get into the back seat. She kisses on him before inching down his body and undoing his jeans. She tugs his cock out and she starts pumping him. He holds her hair back while she gets her lips around him.

“Fuck.” He breathes.

She swirls her tongue around his tip and then licks around his shaft before sucking on him again. She moans around him and his eyes roll into the back of his head. She bobs her head up and down on him, and he starts to carefully thrust his hips up and move her head. He was fucking her mouth, he couldn’t help it. She was so wet and warm and perfect, and she was just letting him take control.

“Y/N.” He moans. “Feels so fucking good.”

She moans around him again, and he loses it without warning. She gags on him for a second, but she’s able to take it all, and then she swallows. She breathes heavily as she pops off him. She tucks him back into his pants and he pulls her face down to his. He bites and sucks on her bottom lip.

“How heavy is your flow?” He breathes.

“Don’t even go there.” She laughs and pulls away from him.

“Just wanna take care of you, baby.”

“It’s okay.” She smiles. “Come on, we need to get back to my house.”

Harry drives them back to her house, and they get inside. They both do their nightly routines and she gives him a kiss goodnight. She crawls into the bottom bunk of her in her sister’s room and settles in.

“Hey.” Julie whispers.

“Hey.” Y/N whispers back. “Do you always sleep on the top bunk?”

“No, I just thought it would be easier for you when you got in.”

“Oh.” She laughs. “Thanks.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Mhm, I took Harry to the lookout on that hill after the party. It was nice. Are you still upset about the Brian thing?”

“No.” She giggles. “He texted me and told me he liked me too. We’re gonna go out Saturday after the matinee. I’m excited for you to see the show.”

“That’s great! And me too.”

“Is it torturous to have Harry in your bed without you?”

“A little, but I don’t wanna disrespect mom. This’ll be fine for a few days. I have my period anyways, so it’s not like we can do much.”

“What was your first time like?”

“It was…special.” She smiles to herself.

The girls stay up talking until they fall asleep.

//

The next morning, Y/N crawls into her bed with Harry to have a little snuggle. They giggle and get up eventually. They all take turns showering and getting ready before going downstairs. Y/N drives them all to the restaurant to meet Angie there and help get everything set up.

“Wow.” Harry says as they walk into the bar. “This place is huge.”

“Yeah! We have live bands here and stuff, it’s so cool.” She walks him to the back where food was cooking.

“Smells so good back here.” He says.

“Thanks!” Angie says.

Everyone helps set up the tables and chairs, and family slowly starts to show up. Y/N introduces Harry to her aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. The long table was full of laughing and loud conversations. Harry really enjoyed the food that Angie had put together. He was happy to see that Y/N came from a really loving family.

They all take a nap after getting home, and then wake up around eleven to go to the mall for Black Friday shopping. They spend a few hours there, shopping for holiday gifts, and head home around two in the morning. Harry had so much fun, never having gone shopping like that before. Saturday, Angie takes everyone to Julie in Mary Poppins for a matinee. Julie was very talented, and Harry secretly hoped she was able to go to school in New York like she wanted. Saturday evening Harry plays video games with Cooper in the living room while Y/N spends some alone time with her mom. Things were going really well until the doorbell rang. Cooper sighs and pauses the game. He looks out the window first to see who it is.

“Shit.” He says and runs to the back of the house where Y/N and Angie were in the office. “Dad’s here.”

“What?!” Angie says. “Christ, he must’ve come to see Julie today. I’m glad she’s out with Brian.”  

Y/N and Angie walk out to the living room, and Angie opens the door, crossing her arms.

“What do you want, Robert?”

“It’s Thanksgiving weekend, I just wanted to see the kids.”

“You don’t have any sort of custody over them for a reason, you need to leave.”

“Y/N? Is that you? How’s school, honey?”

Y/N scoffs and rolls her eyes. Harry isn’t sure what to do expect put his arm around her as they sit on the couch. Cooper sits closely on her other side.

“I saw Julie perform today, she was amazing.”

“Yes she was, and I’ll pass the message along, now please go.” She steps forward and whispers. “I don’t want to have to call the police.”

“I just want to see my kids.”

“You have two other kids, go be with them and your wife. Does she know you drove all the way out here?”

“No.”

“Robert, get out of here. They don’t want to see you.”

She goes back inside and slams the door shut in his face. She locks it up and looks out the window to make sure he leaves. He sticks an envelope in the mailbox and gets into his car. She sighs heavily and plops down onto the couch.

“I’m so sorry about that.” She more so says to Harry. “He does this around most holidays.”

“It’s alright.” Harry assures her. “Every family has their issues.”

“Well, I don’t know about you all, but I’m pooped, and I need to take you back in the morning, so I may turn in.” She kisses Cooper on the top of his head and goes to her room.

After Julie gets home, and dishes about her date with Brian, Y/N goes to cuddle with harry for a bit. He wanted to ask what exactly happened with her dad, but he didn’t want to pry.

“That was really embarrassing earlier, I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, babe.”

“It’s just…like, ten years ago, we found out he was having an affair. He was shit to us, but amazing to this other woman. He had two kids with her, and was giving all of his money to her. My mom won full custody in court, all three of us said we wanted nothing to do with him, and she had a really good lawyer. It sucked, but we got through it. He ended up marrying her…and…well, we think he had a drinking problem or something, so now he’s trying to make up for lost time. Maybe someday I’ll forgive him, but right now I can’t stand him.”

“I’m so sorry.” He caresses her cheek. “That had to have been really hard.”

“The three of us had to see a therapist together, it was wild.”

Harry wasn’t sure what to say. His parents divorced when he was really little, and he had a decent enough relationship with his father. He really couldn’t relate, but what he could do was sit and listen as she spoke, and gives her back gentle rubs as she continued to explain her trauma.

//

“Harry, do you mind if I drop you off first, sweetheart? I’m going to take Y/N grocery shopping.” Angie says as they approach the exit for campus.

“Not at all! Works for me.”

“Unless…do you need groceries?”

“I’ll go with my roommates later, they have a car, but thank you.”

He thanks her again for having him for the weekend, and tells Y/N he’ll text her later. Angie and Y/N go grocery shopping and she helps her get everything into her apartment.

“So…” Angie says. “I like him a lot. He’s very sweet, Y/N.”

“Yeah, he is.” They both sit down on her couch. “Thanks again for letting him stay for the weekend. I’m happy he got to meet everyone.”

“You really like each other, huh?”

“Well…we sort of love each other mom.”

“Oh, honey.” She puts her hand over hers. “I’m so happy you have someone that makes you feel this way, but try not to get too wrapped up, okay? He’s your first real boyfriend, and he lives in London when he’s not here, and-“

“We’re nineteen, I’m not saying we’re getting married, can you calm down?” She laughs.

“I just don’t want you getting heart broken when things get hard over the summer when you can’t be together all the time. Winter break is one thing, but three entire months apart…anything could happen.”

“I don’t know if he goes home for the entire summer. Louis and Niall don’t because of soccer. We haven’t talked about it yet. We’re just going with the flow.”

“Alright.” Her mom smiles. “I just worry about you, that’s all. You’re all growing up so fast.”

Y/N and her mom hug before she leaves, and then Y/N goes upstairs to unpack her bags. She gets a reminder on her phone that she needs to register for classes tomorrow morning. She had already spoken with her advisor about it, but she wanted Harry’s opinion on her gen eds.

Y/N: mom’s gone, are you around?

Harry: yeah! Just got back from the store, wanna come over?

Y/N: be there in ten!

Y/N puts her laptop in her backpack, and makes her way to Harry’s apartment.

“Hey.” He smiles and lets her in. “Long time no see.” He says sarcastically.

“I know, feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” She rolls her eyes and goes right up to his room. “I get to register for classes tomorrow, wanna see what my plan is?”

“I get to register tomorrow too! Yeah, let’s compare.” They each show each other their major courses, and then Harry squints at her gen eds. “Wait, you’re going to take the Art of Film for your creative thought requirement?”

“Yeah, Megan took it and said it was really easy. You just watch movies and talk about how they’re made.”

“I’m gonna take that too! Mondays and Wednesdays at 10:30, right?”

“Yeah!” She can’t help but squeal. “We’re gonna be in a class together? Wow, I bet you’re super sexy in class, all serious and taking notes. I don’t know how I’ll be able to concentrate.” She winks at him and giggles.

“It’ll, um, certainly give us an excuse to do homework together.” He was blushing.

“Mhm.” She closes both of their laptops and moves to sit in his lap. She kisses on his neck and wraps his arms around her back.

“Do you still have your period?”

“No.” She smiles against his neck.

“Thank god.”

Y/N yelps as Harry moves her to pin her down on his bed. He lifters her shirt up over her breasts and he frowns when he sees her sports bra.

“Why’d you even bother with this thing, huh?”

“I wasn’t going to bounce around while I walked over here!”

“But you had a coat on, no one would have noticed, just making things so difficult for me.” He pouts and helps her out of her shirt and bra. “There we are, hi girls.”

“Harry.” She giggles. “Stop being so silly.”

“Can’t help it.” He kneads her breasts and rubs his thumbs over her nipples. He stops and then he looks at her.

“What?”

“I think…I mean, I know you’re my girlfriend and all, but…you’re like my best friend, Y/N. I can just always be myself around you.”

She pulls his face down to hers. She felt the same way. Harry had become Y/N’s best friend. Things weren’t always sexual between them. They were able to joke around, sending gifs and memes to each other over text, tagging each other in tik toks the each thought the other would find funny. After she’s done sucking on his bottom lip she looks up at him smiles.

“I feel the same way.”

He smiles and dips his head down to suck on one of her nipples, and his hand slips inside her sweatpants. He pets her over her underwear at first, and then slips inside so he can really feel her. She groans as he rubs over her clit and moves to suck on her other nipple. If every moment between them could be like this, Y/N would be happy forever.

//

Reality was setting in as finals got closer and closer. Harry got busier tutoring other people, and even though he still made time to go to Y/N’s games, they weren’t able to hang out as much. They were able to meet up for a few holiday parties between their various friend groups, and that way great and all, but sleepovers were few and far between. They were able to practice some presentations together, and Harry did look over Y/N’s paper for Mind, Brain, and Evolution, but they both just couldn’t wait for finals to be over.

With finals being over, though, that meant they both would be leaving for the end of the semester. Finals week itself was more chill than the week leading up to it. Y/N and Harry had a sleepover almost every night, and she found herself waking up and crying a couple of times because she was going to miss him so much, and seeing her like that broke his fucking heart. She was such a sweet girl, and only he really got to see this side of her.

“It’ll be okay, baby, we’ll FaceTime and stuff, it’ll go by quickly.”

“I know.” She sniffles. “Just thinking about it makes me sad, though. Campus was so quiet last winter break. It’s boring having nothing to do but practice and go to games.”

“I wish I could stay…I should have tried to find an internship here, or something.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want you doing something like that just for me. It’s just gonna suck at first, but it’ll be nice to look forward to seeing you.”

“Exactly.”

She stayed in his arms as long as she could until Angie came to pick her up for the couple of weeks she’d be home. It was a teary goodbye to say the least.

//

Final grades came out after Christmas and Y/N nearly passed out when she saw she had received straight A’s. For the first time in her life she was an A student. It had to have been because of Harry. He really was a good study skills tutor. She couldn’t wait to tell him how well she did. She took a picture of her final grades and texted him. He almost immediately called her.

“Babe! What are you doing up? It’s like the middle of the night over there, isn’t it?”

“It is, but I heard my phone buzz, and then I saw your text. Congratulations! I’m so proud of you.”

“It was all thanks to you…”

“No, you put so much work in, that was all you.”

“How were your grades?”

“Sraight A’s, same as you.” He yawns.

“You need to go back to sleep.” She giggles.

“But I like your voice.”

“I like yours too, but we can talk tomorrow when we’ve both gotten some sleep.”

“Okay, baby, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Harry was enjoying interning at the law office, and most days he would tell Y/N all about it. One evening they plan a FaceTime so Y/N can “meet” Anne and Gemma. Y/N was back on campus after the holidays so she didn’t have to worry about her siblings or mom embarrassing her. It was a great chat, Y/N spoke about why she was majoring in business, and what it was like to play hockey, and how she was looking forward to the season ending in a month or so.

“She’s very nice, Harry.” Anne tells him after they hang up.

“I know.” He says, proudly.

“You must miss her a lot.” Gemma says. “What are you going to do about summer?”

“Oh, Harry, please don’t stay in America over the summer.” Anne says.

“Wasn’t planning on it mum. I was sort of hoping she could come here for a visit when the lads and I go out to Italy for our annual holiday.”

“That’s like a three week trip you lot take, you better ask her soon so she can save up for the air fare.” Anne says.

“I know, I’m gonna run it by her when I get back. I didn’t wanna freak her out or anything. I can’t wait to see her. We have a class together this semester, so even if we both get busy we’ll be able to see each other.” Anne and Gemma look at each other and then back to Harry. “What?”

“It’s just nice to see you so smitten.” Gemma says. “Didn’t think you’d want to be so serious with someone in uni.”

“I didn’t either, but she took me by surprise. She’s just very real and herself, and I like that. Some of the girls at school are so fake sometimes, pretending to like things just because I do.”

“Aw, poor thing, it’s so terrible being liked by so many people.” Anne teases him and he rolls his eyes.

“S’not was I was saying. I’m done with this conversation, you both are so annoying.” He groans and leaves to go to his room. Anne and Gemma giggle with each other.

//

The other teams on campus were basketball and wrestling. A lot of the girls on the basketball team were with a lot of the girls on the hockey team, so Y/N would often go to their parties. She felt a little better about going to a party where there would be more girls, it just got difficult when Amanda and Gina would leave with a girl, and Y/N had to walk alone to her apartment. She knew she was safe, but it was creepy in the winter from it being so quiet. She missed her dance partner terribly.

What Harry hadn’t told her is that since he lived off campus, he didn’t have to follow the confines of the move in schedule, so he, Louis, and Niall, all came back a week early on the same flight. He was planning to surprise her at a home game. He bought flowers and went to the ice arena with the guys. Y/N’s eyes grew wide when she spotted him in the stands.

“That son of a bitch!” She said to herself very excitedly. Now she had to get through the entire game before running into his arms.

They played a great game and won, 3-1. Y/N rips her padding off and runs out into the arena only in her under armor not caring who saw, and she squeals when she sees Harry. His face lights up when he sees her running towards him. He opens up his arms and she jumps into them. She wraps her legs around his waist and slots her lips over his.

“I.” Kiss. “Missed.” Kiss. “You.” Kiss. “So.” Kiss. “Much.” She couldn’t stop kissing him.

“I missed you too.” He giggles. “You’re crushing the flowers I got you.” He snakes them out to show her.

“Thank you so much!” She kisses him again. “Ugh, I have to shower and stuff.” She pouts.

“S’alright, I can wait for you, or I can come to your place once you’re done here, whatever you want.” He lets her down and she smiles up at him.

“Come to my place in an hour, okay?” She takes the flowers from him.

“I’ll be there.”

She runs back into the locker room she can shower and get ready. She was extremely excited to see Harry for multiple reasons.

“Do you want us to go find somewhere else to be for a bit?” Amanda asks as they all walk to their apartment.

“Yeah, we can go downtown for food or something.”

“You guys are so nice. Maybe just stay downstairs?”

The girls nods and giggle as they make their way inside their apartment. Y/N rushes to clean up her disaster of a room. She picks out a thing she knows Harry will want to rip off and puts a pair of leggings on with it. She throws on a t-shirt without a bra, and waits for him. She was getting wet just thinking about the sex they were about to have.

Amanda lets Harry in and he goes right up to Y/N’s room.

“Babe?” He says as he goes in.

She lunches towards him and pushes him up against the now closed door, locking it while she kisses him. He lifts her up and brings her over to the bed. He gets on top of her and grinds against her. She groans as she gets his shirt off. His hands were a little cold from being outside, but she didn’t care. She wanted him to touch her all over.

“Good break?” He breathes as he moves to take her shirt off, attaching his lips to her breasts, leaving hot, wet kisses behind.

“Mhm, you?”

“Can’t complain too much.”

He yanks her leggings down and grins at her flimsy thing. He flips her body over and she giggles as he kneads her bum cheeks. He kisses down her back and down one of her cheeks while taking her thong off. He spreads her legs and licks into her from behind.

“Oh my god.” She gasps and he moans into her.

“So wet for me already?”

“Been like this since I saw you at the game.” She whines. “Please take care of me.”

“I will baby, I will.”

He was surprised she was letting him do this since she didn’t like having her ass in his face usually, but he wasn’t going to question her on it. Once he’s had a good taste he stands up to take his pants off. She pulls him forward by his hips and she wraps her lips around him.

“Christ.” He groans. “Missed this so much.”

“Aw, did the naughty pictures I sent you not help enough?” She pouts up at him, spit dripping down on her chin.

“No they helped in the moment, and then just made things worse because I wanted to touch you.”

“Touch me now.” She nearly growls and yanks him on top of her.

Harry taps two of his fingers on her bottom lip and she opens up for him to suck on. She swirls her tongue around them before he takes them away, slipping them inside her. She reaches for a condom in her desk drawer while he fingers in. She felt like she was going to go cross eyed.

“Shit, Harry.” She pants and then he takes his fingers away. “What are you doing?!”

“I want us to come together.” He mumbles as he takes the condom from her, sliding it onto his dick. “Is that alright?”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “We can fuck all night, though, so don’t feel like this needs to be drawn out.”

“No party?”

“No there is, but I’d much rather stay in and be with you alone.”

He spreads her apart and pushes inside. He nearly nuts right there from how tight she is. He stays there a moment before moving.

“You’re so fucking tight.” He grunts.

“I tried using my own fingers while you were gone, but you do it so much better.” She wraps her legs around him and pulls him even closer, nails dragging down his back. “Feels so good, Har.”

“You feel amazing, been dreaming of this, baby girl.”

He fucks into her hard and quick, rubbing on her clit, and they both cry out as they come together. He collapses on top of her and she plays with his hair before he pulls out. They just snuggle and lay together for a bit, talking about their breaks. Harry kisses on Y/N and holds her close. They end up doing it again, nice and slow with her riding him, rocking back and forth until he can’t stand it anymore and takes over the pace. She throws some clothes and grabs them both some snacks before cuddling back up with her laptop for a movie.

“So, I get you to myself for an entire week?” She asks.

“Mhm.” He kisses her temple.

“Good, I missed your bed.” They both chuckle.

“I have something to ask you…I know it’s a ways away, but every summer since I was in high school my friends and I take this trip to Italy for a few weeks. My friend’s dad has a house on the water, and we rent a boat. We go fishing, and we even go camping for a couple of days. It’s incredible…we usually go end of July through early August.”

“Okay.” She looks up at him sort of confused.

“Well…I know the plane ticket would be expensive, but how would you like to come with me this summer? Sometimes they bring girlfriends too, so you wouldn’t be the only girl there, not that I think you’d care much about that.”

“You’d really want me around for that long?”

“Of course! Be a nice way to break up the summer for us, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “I’d love to come out there…I’d just have to ask my mom. She really relies on my help during the summer. We get a lot of tourists so we’re super busy…”

“Even if it’s just ten days, doesn’t have to be the full three weeks, as much as I’d like you there the whole time.”

“I’ll talk to her about it for sure. That sounds like a dream!” She throws her arms around him and hugs him tight, kissing his cheek. “I’ve been to England before, you know?”

“How are you just telling me this now?” He laughs.

“I don’t know.” She laughs too. “I went during April vacation in high school my junior year, it was so much fun. So at least I’ve traveled internationally before. I bet she’ll be fine with it. A nice thing to look forward to.”

“Exactly.” He squishes his nose to hers and smiles.

Deep in her heart, Y/N knew she and Harry were still kids. He’d be twenty in a couple of weeks, but they were still so young. She loved him a lot and he loved her, and she knew it would be dumb to think super far ahead about their relationship. Right now, they were having a lot of fun, navigating college life together, and that was enough. It didn’t need to be overly serious. Y/N had a few friends that were seniors, and some of them acted like they were already married, playing house. She didn’t quite know where life was going to take her, and that was okay. She didn’t know where life was going to take Harry either, and that was okay too. They were both living in the moment, and absolutely fucking loving it.

[painted-crow]

hey so i'm looking to figure my sorting out. i'm p sure of my secondary but honestly i've gone in circles so many times that i'd believe anything lmao

so i guess to start like. i'm fairly sure i'm an idealist, but with a twist. i care about making the world a better place-- i'm kinda infamous among my friends for being a little TOO outspoken about my opinions. on a small scale, i have strong opinions about a lot of things, but on a larger scale... idk. i don't think any one person can know what an ideal world looks like cause there really is no such thing. there are literally countless variables when it comes to implementing even small systems, countless ways to fuck it up, so i don't think i'd be choosing some grand ideal over the people i love anytime soon.

that being said, i think my idealist streak gets directed into something else most of the time. i'm very focused on understanding myself to a fault. i want to know why i do the things i do, why i believe certain things over others. when it comes to my beliefs about the world, they're strong but take it or leave it, but when it comes to myself they are not a good idea to push. i've ended relationships over not feeling like myself with them or feeling like i'm losing myself or they're pushing me to be someone i'm not. i make strong instant decisions about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to how it impacts my perception of myself, especially with intimate relationships (i'm a lot less impulsive with things like friends and things i'm less personally involved in). i NEED to know who i am, way more than i care about any one specific person or thing. obviously i love people very deeply and would do just about anything to have both, but if i don't know who i am, if i'm not true to myself, then i have nothing. losing people happens.

the issue is, because i'm prone to doing that and not thinking as much about how it'll impact people, i've been called selfish a lot over my lifetime. recently i've started thinking more about how my actions impact people and their feelings, and i'm feeling a lot more torn. i want to do what i want to do, what i feel is best, but i feel immature for doing it a lot. i've started worrying a lot about being a bad person and hurting people, and i've been thinking about how the "right" way to be is. i went through a phase where i was repressing myself to make the "moral" choice, but i just felt so flat. ultimately i realized that it doesn't really matter how good i am if i have to repress myself to get there, cause then all it is is performance. tldr is i feel super guilty for making "selfish" choices rn, especially as i've gotten more aware of other peoples' feelings.

what i think is probably going on is that i'm an idealist primary with a badger model, but i'm not sure between lion and bird, and i'm still open to badger. pretty sure i'm not a snake.

the section on my secondary's gonna be a lot shorter, sorry this got so long! so i'm p sure i'm a badger secondary. considered lion and snake secondary too. whatever i am, i have a p loud lion model over it. i've always had a gift for making people trust me, for acting. i kinda blend in and become what i need to to both help them and get them off my back so i can do what i need to do. i have a serious passion for helping people with tough love (i like to think of myself as a p good advice giver, since i can both tell people what they need to hear and really get in their shoes and be kind where other people might not). i think i judge myself the least when i can kinda toe that line between pushing boundaries and stepping back-- i track where peoples' boundaries are constantly so i can push them to the limit without stepping over them. i'm very fluid when it comes to presentation in reality, even though i think people actually think of me as kinda controversial. i tend to see people who are ACTUALLY overstepping boundaries as lowkey selfish at times, even though i also really respect them. i like to do things the "right" way as long as i give a shit about them. the catch is, i don't want to blend into the background, and i don't think i do. a partner of mine called me a fox cause he noticed the way i constantly toe that line where i can get people to notice me and still keep them off my back, still make them comfortable. i'm also NOT a planner. people constantly give me shit for only ever feeling things out in the moment, and honestly thinking about the future freaks me out. i don't want to plan how i do shit i'd rather just get in the zone and figure it out from there. tldr i'm pretty sure i'm a badger secondary? but i could be convinced of snake. definitely see elements of both but my gut's telling me badger so take that how you will

anyway! thank you so much for taking the time to answer this, i know it's a lot.

also sorry one thing i forgot to add about my secondary! i think my lion model got so loud because when i do the shifty presentation thing, i have a tendency to lose myself and start perceiving myself as whatever i'm presenting. it's made it really hard to figure out who i actually am and so i started just being as clear about it as possible.

for my primary, i really care a lot about being right. i try to take every side into consideration to make sure i get the best conclusion. i can be super stubborn when it comes to certain things, but i don't want to just... hold to perceptions that are wrong. that being said it's important to me to trust my gut and i take it as a big input. i'm very felt out for most things, don't really have a strong system of how to be. i really wanna be able to trust myself but i just don't. i have a big habit of relying on other people to tell me what to think, which is uh. yeah.

Primary

You're a Bird primary with a Lion model, and you're trying on some Badger ideals. That's one of the easier Sorts I've done, lol! Possibly because your primary and models actually House match mine :p

Your reasoning process screams Bird xD and so does your writing style and just the length of the ask. Birds love self-analysis, it's part of how we make sure our systems stay as close to true as we can make them.

You've got some Lion too, but it's a model. It sounds like your Lion and your Bird have come into conflict before, and like most Birds with Lion models, it bugs the snot out of you when your Lion's intuition (which is important data!) doesn't line up with what your Bird knows.

You've prioritized Bird's conclusions before, but (as with many Birds) you don't entirely trust your own system and you're wondering if your Lion might have been right and you should give its reasoning more weight.

Also, you're consciously deciding that maybe Badgers' way of doing things is more moral than yours, and you're pulling in some of those ideals. That doesn't make you a Badger primary. Birds are notorious for this kind of thing actually 😂

The line between whether some ideals you've pulled into your Bird system vs. what counts as a model is fuzzy. It's up to you really, how important those pieces of Badger are to you.

For me, I think the line might be--is it wired into your sense of self on its own, or does it get filtered through your Bird and Lion? It really sounds like your Lion is a strong part of your sense of self: if you ignore its advice, you feel not totally like yourself. You don't have to feel all your models equally strongly, but thinking of it that way might help.

(It's also hard because Birds often feel like they kind of are their systems, or they are their ability to reason, that's a core part of their identity. ...It's complicated.)

Secondary

You sound really really Snakey. I'm not sure where you're getting Badger, actually!

Badgers are more than the mirroring ability. They also bury themselves in work or community, and it can sometimes look like they're neck deep in so many responsibilities that they couldn't possibly handle any more problems--and then they do have a problem, they do need something, and they stand up and all that stuff they were buried in turns out to be armor and tools.

Snakes, otoh, are improvisational and tend to be very aware of their surroundings. Unlike Badgers, the Snake brand of social shapeshifting involves a lot of keeping track of other people's reactions to what they're doing--trying something and then watching the response, then adjusting, rinse and repeat. You turn yourself into exactly the right person for this situation.

Badger mirroring is usually simpler. You reflect the other person's energy back at them: it's an empathetic response that says we're alike, I accept you, you're safe. A lot of Badgers do this without thinking--it can be hard to turn off.

Snakes also don't go in for prep work as much, it tends to trip them up (Snakes with Badger or Bird models notwithstanding). They're Improvisational secondaries, unlike Bird and Badger which are Built and rely heavily on some form of preparation.

The Lion model sounds legit, but just check for yourself: you might be learning to use Snake's neutral state. Snakes will sometimes drop all their layers of acting and maneuvering and suddenly they're just themselves. Different Snakes have different relationships with neutral state. For some Snakes, it's a relief to drop the mask; for others, it feels vulnerable and they only trust certain people with their full authenticity.

It does sound like you really admire Lion secondaries, though, so you might indeed have a model there! This is just something else you could check on.

Hope that helps!

- Paint

[winterhawk-olympic-bang]

Let’s Get It On

How To Write Sex

Guest Poster: CB

Here is our second Writer Workshop post, written by CB. Have a read and then head over to the Discord Server where we have a channel for you to take part in a discussion based on the post, with chances to share your own ideas too. 

So Your Characters Want to Bang

Welcome to my Ted Talk on How To Successfully Write Pornography! We’re going to cover a few bases here (first, second, third, and home base, to keep up with the metaphor), but feel free to reach out if you have any questions either on the Discord server or here on the Tumblr. If you take a look at my body of work you can see that a significant portion of it is explicit fic, which I’m told is a struggle for some folks.  Apparently my CPU is 80% porn.exe, so I’ve got a bit of a niche. Additionally, I’ve got a medical professional background that includes a very specific nurse certification in sex-related shenanigans, so if you’ve got questions, I’ve got answers. 

When I decide to write porn (or when my characters decide it for me), I have a few basic things that I keep in mind in order to make sure the story stays on track, the character arcs fit with the scenarios, and that everything doesn’t start to feel too formulaic.  I’m going to share my methods and maybe you will find something that helps you out or inspires you to give writing explicit fic a try!

The Mechanics

Let’s start with the basics. Fictional pornography can start to feel, well, a little bit formulaic, especially if you read or write a lot of it.  There’s a standard formula of kissing, rubbing, fingers, dicks (or other bits), everybody comes, the end! There’s nothing wrong with sticking to the basic formula, especially your first time (ha!), but here are some thoughts on how you can make sure you’re getting the specifics done and done well, and how to avoid feeling like you’ve written the sexual equivalent of an English essay. 

Lubrication.  It… really doesn’t matter exactly what kind of sex your characters are having, you can’t go wrong with lube. Getting things wet and slippery is half the fun and also twice the enjoyment. Sometimes characters decide to get it on in unfortunately risque locations, and lube may not be readily available - here is a nice list of MacGyvered lube solutions you may find helpful in that circumstance. That being said - if you are writing anal sex of some sort, lubrication is an absolute must have. 

Preparation. Otherwise known as foreplay.  Prep is and can be sexy! Everyone involved wants to have a good time, some preparation is required! I don’t just mean fingers in the butt (although that can be important too, we’re gonna get to that), but just generally building up the level of arousal over time adds to the dynamic you’re trying to create between two characters. Even if it’s fuck-or-die, sex pollen shenanigans, just talking about how hot the character feels for it is still a form of preparation/foreplay.  Specifically speaking to buttsex - the amount of prep your character needs is heavily dependent on the circumstances.  For your consideration - is this a first time sex situation, or does your character regularly bottom? Are they pressed for time, or is this a long, drawn-out affair? There is not (despite what fanfic writers would have you believe) a certain number of fingers that you have to insert into anyone’s anus that makes them ‘ready’ for sex.  A person who regularly bottoms may not need any fingering at all, in fact, but they are still going to need lube. (See point 1.) If your character has never bottomed before, they’re going to need more time and patience than a character that does it a lot, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need more and more and more fingers. It just means they need a partner with consideration for their comfort. And lube.

Coming. People (and thus, characters) don’t often come at exactly the same time.  Frequently someone comes first. The other person may not come at all! They don’t have to! If it’s important to you, that’s fine. But it can be fun to play with the dynamics of one character coming and the other character not, because they’re caring for the first character, or because they want to wait and enjoy the burn for later, or because of whatever other reason - which brings us back to character and story dynamic. Also, playing with this particular dynamic can make your pornography feel a lot less formulaic.  Character B didn’t come because they wanted to wait and savor the feeling, and maybe in a few hours or days, Character A gets to really have a good time paying them back with a truly spectacular orgasm.  Maybe they just really wanted to see their partner fucked out and happy, and coming really wasn’t that important to them. Maybe they’re sex-postive ace, or maybe they take medication that makes sex and orgasms hard to achieve, but they still enjoy the intimacy. It’s up to you (and your characters!), but it’s not necessary for both people to come for the scene to be satisfying.

Penetration. Penetration is not the end-all-be-all of sex. Penetration isn’t even required for something to be considered sex.  Some people never want penetration, and that’s okay.  This is a good time to consider your characters’ boundaries, a good way to involve consent, and a good way to consider what kind of bedroom dynamic your characters are going to share - even or especially if it’s completely different to the dynamic they share outside the bedroom.  Is penetration necessary or important to the characters, the story, or the development of the relationship? Even if you just want to write it, that’s fine, but considering your characters’ perspective and feeling will give the act more depth and nuance.

Expectations (and subverting them so that whatever you’re writing feels fresh and different). Like I said before, there’s a certain amount of ‘this is what’s going to happen’ expectation in fictional pornography. A series of steps that you can pretty much guarantee is going to get you from point A to point F in the sexual alphabet. One of the biggest ways that you can make your sex scenes feel more intimate, more character-driven, and more unique is by subverting those expectations and doing something different that fits your dynamic better or isn’t “the norm”. For example, in a recent fic I had a character fantasize about what it would be like to have the object of their affection on their hands and knees - but when it came time for the sex, said character flipped the script and climbed on top instead! Fictional pornography isn’t real, and people don’t necessarily want realism in their fiction, but adding some realistic elements (oh no, I’ve lost the lube!/it turns out I don’t like this one thing can we try another thing/a hilarious thing has just happened) can be fun and unexpected, and make the reader more invested in your story.

So You Want To Add An Explicit Scene

You’re writing a lovely enemies to friends back to enemies to lovers arc and the time has come to do the do.  I’m excited for you! I’m excited for your characters! But now you want to know how do I add this to my story organically? How do you make this feel like a natural progression of the story, how do you segue from fighting Doombots to sweating it up in the sheets? 

The trick, in my experience, is to build up to that moment way before you get there.  You have to lay the groundwork for attraction before anyone takes off any clothes.  Does Character A get distracted during the fight by staring at Character B’s biceps? Was that an absolutely beautiful sniper shot at an impossible angle and it was so good that Character A’s breath literally catches in his chest and he nearly gets hit in the face by a robot fist? Did someone else in the battle have to remind Character B to pay attention to the fight?  Is it movie night and Character A doesn’t even know the plot of the film because they’ve been too busy staring at Character B’s face in the light of the television screen? 

A little pining goes a long way, but you have to establish attraction before your characters can act on attraction. It feels jarring to your readers if the characters hated each other two paragraphs ago and now they’re fucking in a public space.  Even if it’s hate sex, you gotta have the POV character hate how attractive they find the other character.  Then you just need an inciting event - one character takes off their shirt because it’s ripped from the fight, or they bump into each other in the communal kitchen and that hot line of their bodies pressed together sparks a kiss - and then you’re off and running! 

The exception to this might be an established relationship Plot What Plot fic, but even then, you’ve probably got an idea that sparks the actual sex - include that in your fic!

Help, This Is Moving Way Too Fast!

Oh no, the pacing is off! It happens to the best of us, don’t worry. You get in a hurry (just come already, oh my god!), and you push through to the end and then on re-read or in beta, you find that the whole thing just feels flat and rushed.  It started off so well, and then you lost something somewhere in the middle. 

The way I combat this is by focusing on how the characters feel and/or how they react to what’s happening. 

Someone’s mouth is on someone else’s body - how does the POV character feel about this? If they’re the recipient, is this the hottest thing that’s ever happened to them? Are they afraid to let go and enjoy it? Are they 404 Error: Brain Not Found? Play around with it. Does the non-POV character say something unbelievably hot/romantic/sappy/hilarious? What kind of mood are you trying to set? This is a character interaction as much as dialogue is, so you’re still working with the back-and-forth of two people who are communicating, but with their bodies. (And words too, to be honest).  If the scene is too rushed, slow it down with some internal dialogue, external dialogue, or something emotional (like a realization or an acknowledgement - oh no I love them/oh no I don’t hate them/they always take good care of me). If the scene is too long (to be honest this rarely happens, but it can), consider whether you’ve added too much dialogue or other extraneous interactions that have slowed your scene and taken attention away from what’s happening.

Help, It Sounds Like A Medical Exam

This is nearly always a terminology problem. 

I’m not here to tell you what words you can and cannot use in your sex scenes.  Everyone feels differently about acceptable terminology (though we have all laughed at dick euphemisms).  And that’s not even getting into writing fics with trans characters or different gender identities. Personally, I tend to use cock/dick for penis, and I avoid specifically naming parts for vagina-havers because I’ve never found a good one that I liked that I felt flowed smoothly in my own writing.  So this one is more nebulous because it’s a personal choice you’re making about what words do it for you and what words don’t.  It’s also, again, about your character’s perspective.  If you have a character who prefers certain terminology, that’s the terminology you use. 

Here’s what I can suggest.  Don’t focus as much on the parts of the body you’re writing, and focus much, much more on the sensations you��re creating.  There is a mouth on your POV character’s penis - how does that feel to them? Is it: hot, tight, wet, is there something happening with the tongue, are they sucking really hard, are they going really deep?  Alternatively - is the non-POV character enthusiastic? Are they into it? Is how into it they are super hot to the receiving character? Are they sloppy but determined? Beyond the physical sensation, how about emotional reactions? Has your POV character never had this before, or has no one ever treated them with such tender care? Is it the best blowjob they’ve ever received? The worst? (This can still be hot - can the POV character give them careful, precise instructions on how to do it better? Does the non-POV character find THAT extremely hot?). 

Keep in mind that you’re not writing technical directions for the characters in your scene.  (Unless you are, because you’ve discovered Gentle!Dom!Bucky, who is telling Praise!Kink!Clint exactly what to do.) You’re writing a scene that conveys something emotional to the reader.  Is it a sexy emotion? Yes, yes it is. It might also be a sad emotion, or a happy one, or any of the range of human emotions, really, but the point is that readers probably know how the sex works mechanically, what you’re trying to do is give them feelings about it.

Speaking of Feelings

Let’s talk a little bit about motivation.  Yes, even sex scenes need motivation. Not to be the prima donna actor over here, but ask yourself: Why am I writing a sex scene? 

Generally speaking, well-written sex scenes are better received if they accomplish a goal.  Writing a sex scene well is easier if you have this goal in mind before you ever sit down in front of your computer.

Does this scene advance the story? By this I mean: is this an emotional resolution, does it convey something about the characters’ relationship that cannot be conveyed in another venue or does it better express that aspect of their relationship, does it have meaning beyond the immediate gratification of an orgasm or add to the fic in some way?

Does this scene advance the relationship? Is it a big step for one or both characters? Are you showing vulnerability/trust/compassion/concern/etc? Is it an emotional milestone? Is it an expression of love that one of the characters can’t make with words but can demonstrate physically?

I’m going to pull some very specific examples from my own work, helpfully crowdsourced and reviewed by a trusted friend so that I can talk more clearly about what I mean.

Russian Red: if you haven’t read this one, it’s a story about Bucky wearing lipstick and then giving Clint a blow job. That’s it, that’s the fic. When I put it like that, it doesn’t sound all that exciting, really, and maybe it doesn’t even sound like something you’d like. A man wearing lipstick may not be your thing!! That’s okay! (And as an aside, people enjoy reading/writing things that they have absolutely zero interest in in real life, and that’s okay! Fantasies are weird like that, and a normal part of human sexuality, and we aren’t judging anyone for their kinks here.) But this fic employs very specifically some of the points I’ve made so far, so I want to talk a little about it, especially foreplay and emotional investment. 

Bucky wearing lipstick in this fic is not about Bucky at all.  It is explicitly about fulfilling a fantasy for Clint.  In fact, later in the fic, Bucky has a moment of insecurity about it because he had what he thought was a great idea, and in the moment of truth it becomes a bit of screaming panic because what if the whole thing is stupid!!!! We’ve all had that moment.  So readers can relate. But also - throughout the course of the fic it becomes something that Bucky also enjoys and finds sexy.  So there are multiple motivators: emotional satisfaction for Bucky because he’s doing something for Clint, physical satisfaction for Clint because he is getting his fantasy fulfilled, and then the added bonus of Bucky finding the whole thing unexpectedly hot means that he is also satisfied by the encounter.  I have created an emotional need that is satisfied through porn.

Emotional investment (also known as the character is putting in work).  Bucky goes through a lot to make this fantasy happen.  He has to tell Natasha what he’s doing for one thing, which is uncomfortable. A little bit of character discomfort makes the payoff at the end better, because your reader is invested in your character having a good outcome! It also shows that Bucky cares about Clint more than he cares about the mild discomfort/vulnerability of asking Natasha about lipstick for a mildly kinky thing he’s doing.

Foreplay - the more invested Bucky gets in doing this thing for Clint, the more he starts to find it hot and exciting, the more like foreplay it becomes, which means the payoff in the end is that much better. (Revisit the point on preparation from earlier!).  There is a lot of build up from the moment Bucky puts the lipstick on (tactile sensations, memories tied to lipstick, etc.) to the moment he leaves the very first red imprint of his mouth on Clint’s skin and realizes oh shit, this is hot.

This fic is very, very close, tight third-person POV.  Keeping the POV so close and tight means that your reader is very much in your POV character’s head - the reader is getting their experiences (emotional, physical, tactile senses) but they’re only able to interpret the other characters’ motivations and reactions through the lens of your POV character.  It’s trickier writing, but it means the reader is more connected to the character and therefore the porn. Also, it means that the reader is much more in tune with the non-POV characters’ reactions, which means incoherent mess is just that much hotter.

Personal Security/Security Failure: So these fics are… their own claim to fame in fandom. Gentle!Dom!Bucky and Praise!Kink!Clint have sexy, sexy adventures.  The first fic is their first meeting, the second one is fondly known as Circus Spanking. If you haven’t read them, that’s the basic summary, but please mind the tags if you choose to explore this series. Here we’re going to hit on consent, which is important and sexy, and vulnerability/trust. 

Again it’s very close, 3rd person POV, which means you’re very much in Clint’s head when he’s a wrecked, incoherent mess.  In the previous fic Bucky was watching the incoherency happen, which is very hot. In this fic the reader is experiencing the incoherency.  There’s also a lot of buildup in the first fic of Clint experiencing this inexplicable attraction to Bucky, and the confusion he has that Bucky is equally attracted to him - so like foreplay, you’re building it up before they ever take their clothes off.

Consent.  If you are dabbling anywhere in the kink neighborhood I cannot express to you how important it is to include explicit consent.  Please get a kink sensitivity reader. Don’t surprise your audience with dubious consent - make it clear and explicit from the start, even if it’s consensual nonconsent (which is a tag, but can also be addressed early with a line like ‘this is something they’d talked about previously’). But also! Consent can be sexy! It can be fun! It doesn’t have to be a drawn out contract of hard limits and detailed diagrams (though I have seen that done and done well!). Consent can be as simple as checking in with a partner if they’ve gone quiet or seem so wrecked they can’t express themselves. Consent can be one character telling another exactly what they’re going to do to them (hot hot hot!!), asking if they’re okay with it, and then doing exactly what they said.

Vulnerability/trust. Just like with the previous fic, vulnerability adds a sense of emotional intimacy that can be super hot.  If you’re writing kinky fic, vulnerability and trust go hand in hand, and show how deeply invested characters can be in each other - and that they respect and care for one another as well.  One character making themselves vulnerable to another with the understanding that the other character isn’t going to take advantage of that trust can be supernova hot if you employ it correctly. The key here is making sure that the character in the position of power respects the vulnerable character’s boundaries.  Security Failure in specific sets up an emotional need (increased trust) that is fulfilled physically by the porn that follows.  Clint needs to trust Bucky more, and Bucky needs to know that Clint trusts him.  Clint making himself super vulnerable in this fic lets both of these needs be fulfilled.

 Interactions outside the bedroom compared to interactions inside the bedroom.  In this fic, I chose to have these mirror each other - Bucky is in control of himself and in command of the situation in all of their interactions, so before they ever get naked you know what to expect from the dynamic. What can also be fun, however, is subverting expectations, so that how characters interact outside the bedroom is very different from how they interact inside the bedroom - so this is another time when knowing what your characters want/prefer is important motivation for your writing!

Character moments in your porn - there’s a scene in the first fic where Clint (this is all Clint POV) thinks about how much he likes performing a certain act, because it makes him feel good and useful.  It’s a very short interaction but it tells you a lot about the character - it tells you he likes to be useful, that he likes to be considered good (hello praise kink!), and it tells you he has low self-esteem which makes you want to wrap him up and a blanket and tuck him in and tell him how good and useful he is, but you also want Bucky to wreck him.  Your characters still have characterization, even during porn. In the second fic, we see character growth that mirrors growth within the relationship, but there’s still room to grow because Clint is still uncertain and insecure, and the fic helps advance their relationship to a new level of trust.  Through porn.

Communication, communication, communication.  Especially in kink fic but honestly in most porn - your characters have to communicate with each other! It can be nonverbal, but you’ve gotta make it clear to the reader.

The Big Finish

Everyone came (or maybe they didn’t), now what CB?

Oof, good question. 

To be honest, endings are the hardest (ha!) part.  And luckily, we’re going to have a Workshop specifically about how best to accomplish them! But as far as sexy scenes and how to wrap them up and move on, I like to use resolution of whatever need I was trying to meet, and then open the next scene with something that demonstrates a new level of intimacy/relationship dynamic/etc. if it’s part of a larger storyline, or just fade to black if it’s a one-shot. 

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but this also depends on your motivation for writing your sex scene.  If you were trying to accomplish something with the story, then you need to somehow demonstrate that goal has been met - are they more comfortable around each other now, are they happier to show off their relationship to their friends, are they finally admitting they’re in a relationship? If you were trying to accomplish something with the relationship itself (which, as you can see, may go hand in hand with the story), then how can you show that? Does the one who usually leaves finally fall asleep in the other person’s arms? Is there a big flowery declaration? Does someone crymax? Does one partner tenderly clean the other partner up with a warm cloth and snuggle them into submission? The world is your oyster! Do what feels right for your characters and the journey you’re taking them on! 

And don’t forget the lube. 

[kissimirrit]

as an ex truscum how did you come to terms with the harm youve caused others and make up for it? do you still struggle with unlearning truscum standards?

i think it’s important i don’t hide or censor my past, no matter how embarrassed or regretful i might be from it. people have the right to know about someone’s past bigotry and to decide their boundaries with that person from that point on. i think it’s an important part of my past for people to know of when the topic comes up.

i stopped being truscum almost 5 years ago; and yes—i still struggle with unlearning truscum standards, because i learned them during my formative years of development. because of that, i really vibe with the saying "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are." —because i’ll still catch myself thinking very... exclusionary things and have to stop and reflect why i’m thinking that, and then correct my thoughts accordingly. it’s forever a process of self-reflection and checking. 

(read-more’d for length) tl;dr—i realized being truscum was bad and then i became a die-hard inclusionist, and even began identifying with labels that 2012 me would hate.

i only really came to terms with the fact i was causing harm in say, late 2016 or *very* early 2017 when one of my most treasured friends admitted to me that xe was afraid to tell me xe was nonbinary, because we both had identified as truscum and xe was in the process of dropping those beliefs, whereas i hadn’t gotten to that point myself until xe told me about hir identity and reason for being afraid of telling me. and if one of my best friends felt terrified of telling me their identity, or literally anything about themselves; then obviously i was fucking up big time and doing something incredibly wrong.

so that was like, my first step in dropping those beliefs. and making up for it has been an incredibly long road. dropping all forms of gate-keeping, queer-separatism, and otherwise exclusionary beliefs in favor of becoming a radically inclusive person of any good-faith identity, to the point of even adopting some “discoursed” labels myself (ie: straight-lesbian trans man) has been a 5 year long journey. 

i started identifying as truscum when i was 13 or 14, back in 2011 or 2012 when the word was first coined. there was a tumblr post, calling those who were binary trans people and (forgive me my memory is fuzzy) didn’t hate cis people as “true transexual scum. truescum.” and the term truscum stuck from that. and back then the community was really small. there was just a handful of us in the FTM tag telling other trans guys that they can’t identify as lesbians and that they should stop tagging their selfies as both “FTM” and “lesbian”. (which is funny to me now because... i literally identify as an ftm lesbian now lmaaooo. i became the very thing i set out to destroy /lh).

and being truscum was kind of a catalyst for so many of the early exclusionary queer-separatism and incorporating radfem beliefs into early lgbt+ tumblr that i never really noticed until ace discourse got notoriously bad in 2016. 1. nonbinary-exclusion. back in 2012/2013 ‘trans’ used to be written as ‘trans*’, with the asterisk, for the inclusion of nonbinary identities. and at the time, truscum were notoriously against it because at the time, truscum believed that nonbinary identities weren’t real, so the asterisk was unnecessary and useless. and then an article came along that went into detail about how the asterisk was useless BECAUSE nonbinary people were inherently trans without any caveats, and ‘trans’ (without the asterisk) was already inclusive on nonbinary folk, not just binary trans men and women. so that kinda trickled down and eventually became the end of trans* asterisk, and after that an influx of nonbinary folks started to identify as truscum—however a lot of people who identified as truscum prior to this still held heavily anti-nonbinary beliefs. (and then truscum got kinda blamed for adding the asterisk in the first place so that kinda became an in-joke for a year or so. like, things truscum invented: the asterisk after trans asterisk, the word truscum, whales. etc)  2. transmisogyny, and adopting radfem talking points. i know in the early days (and probably still now, but i don’t know the demographics as i never kept up with them), the majority of truscum before 2014 were white, and binary trans men. (emphasis on the white trans men part.) Because of this, whenever there was a collective schism with a notable trans woman for whatever reason (adele idislikecispeople, genderpunkrock, kat blaque, etc. were all big ones during 2014), transmisogyny would be rampant. there were groups dedicated to somehow proving idislikecispeople was pretending to be a trans woman that were really invasive of her privacy (years before kiwifarms even touched the subject), and despite claiming to be a vehemently anti-radical feminist group—willingly accepted radfem talking points and even radfems who self-identified as truscum. and cisgendered self-identified truscum, especially adult cis MEN (usually gay, and were fairly aggressive to us teens??), were accepted with open arms and were looked up to for some fucking reason. y’know, bootlicking.  around 2014 was when the term “transmedicalist/transmedicalism” was coined by john snarkytransman, and was popularized by users who followed suit. it came about around 2013/2014. since then, the term has been synonymous with truscum- but in may 29, 2015, users who wanted to detach themselves from the label of truscum due to drama wish to mark a distinction between the two labels, which was largely popularized by john myragewillendworlds. because truscum was never supposed to be a community initially, it was supposed to be an ideology “like atheism”.  and a lot of the drama around the time when transmedicalist was coined was due to three distinct groups forming: the old truscum (those who had been around since near the beginning, like i was. usually adult binary trans men over 18 and in their early-to-mid 20s.), neo-truscum (mostly made up of teens around my age who were newly out and majorly identified as nonbinary, and latched onto the first group they came across, like i had years prior), and the FUCKING MARIGANG (a notorious group of radfem truscum who only believed in 2 distinct nonbinary identities, agender and bigender, and were... extremely volatile.) i was somehow in all 3 of these groups because of 1. the fact i had been truscum since the near conception of the term so i was oldscum, 2. i was within the age range of most of the neo-truscum so a lot of them were my friends, and 3. mari from the marigang was the first ever other non-SAM asexual (and adult!) i had ever met (aside from my then-gf, Gabe. whomst i still talk to and luv with all my heart <33) and i clung onto her despite how.... fucking wild she was. and her boyfriend eliot was the first ever intersex person i had come across after learning about my own intersex variation, and i was so desperate for validation from these two adults who both held two identities integral to myself that i had never met any else sharing before, so i ignored so many of the red flags they had. (and they had... so many.) which brings me to my next point!!!!! 3. queer-phobia and the beginning of ace discourse. (NOTE: i didn’t realize all of these groups were radfem until years later, and i didn’t know what “TWERF” meant at the time. i barely knew was a radfem was.) so the marigang (2013/2014 i think?) was known for being notoriously volatile and violent at the drop of a hat to anyone who they didn’t like and labeling them as “fauxscum”. even to their own members in the skype group. it was largely made up of radfems and even eliot was a self-described TWERF (despite... at the time identifying as a intersex cis man????). the marigang believed in two nonbinary identities only: bigender and agender. mari herself was agender, asexual, and aromantic, and would brag about abusing eliot because of how much she despised men. she was incredibly anti-AVEN and refused to be called ace, aro, or aroace, and would only go by non-AVEN terms like “asexual” and thought the split-attraction-model was bullshit. (which is why i also refused to go by the terms ace/aro/aroace and would only go by “asexual” up until late 2016/early 2017.) mari was also incredibly hypocritical, criticizing me for having a girlfriend despite IDing as asexual & aromantic, even though she also had a boyfriend with the same sorta partnership (except Gabe and i weren’t abusive, just a bit too young.) despite that, i latched onto mari as an idolized adult figure. branching off from the marigang was a group of asexual & aromantic, usually nonbinary, radfem truscum who called themselves asexual elitists. and i ended up joining that group through mari. this group in either late 2013 to mid 2014 became the basis of what ace discourse would become a year later. some of our key beliefs that would later generally be accepted by truscum (a lot of them even sharing some of these beliefs despite hating the marigang and such) and then later spread throughout tumblr were: 1. there is no asexual spectrum. you’re either asexual or you aren’t. micro-identities like demisexuality and grayasexuality are unnecessary because that’s 90% of the population. (the part about demigray-sexuality was already popular amongst truscum at this time.) 2. people aren’t oppressed for being asexual. it’s either misogyny or misdirected homophobia. (i don’t think the term aphobia/acephobia was coined yet, or was popularized at this time.) 3. queer is a violent slur and should not be used as a personal identity or for the community. (already a common opinion amongst truscum.) 4. the split-attraction-model is unnecessary, redundant, harmful, and destructive. that if your sexual and romantic orientations “conflict” (ie: biromantic heterosexual, homoromantic pansexual, etc.), then you’re either one or the other and just confused. that it’s homophobic/biphobic/lesbiphobic because it reduces people to sex. (was already 50/50 with truscum.) 5. the term “allosexual” is very AVEN-y (therefore bad) and, again, reduces people to sex. because us asexuals were the “abnormal” (an actual word used that i internalized) ones in society, we didn’t need a word to refer to non-asexuals, and just not-asexual worked for it. 6. pansexuality don’t real and it’s just bisexuality under a special label. (was already 50/50 with truscum.) 7. the only existing orientations are gay/lesbian, bi, and straight. asexuality is the LACK of a sexuality and therefore not an orientation.  8. AVEN sucks. fuck AVEN. fuck david jay. MOGAI sucks. intersex isn’t lgbt. (i was the only intersex person a part of the asexual elitists (sans eliot) so i was kinda expected to just... agree with it. so i did. i didn’t have any opinions of my own for it. and mari was adamant about it because she was outspoken about eliot’s intersexuality.) — i’m probably missing some but these were off the top of my head. do those sound familiar? these were the beliefs of both the marigang and the asexual elitists groups, that were probably taken from radfems and then spread to truscum and to the rest of tumblr—which then spread out further through the internet, since many users had deviantarts and twitters and would take discourse to other places. et cetera et cetera. i left the marigang in late 2014 i want to say? and returned to the general truscum community, and the marigang fell apart due to in-fighting. but the damage had already been done at that point, and those of us left were still spreading this rhetoric to others who then continued to spread it. ------ i think i started to become an inclusionist in late 2015 or early 2016 when ace discourse STARTED to take off outside of truscum circles. because whenever i talked about bigotry i happened to face due to be asexuality, i was met with “that didn’t happen” and people dismissing my experiences and telling me i had no place in the lgbt community (“i never thought the leopards would eat my face” -person who supported the ‘leopards eating faces’ party). i began to notice how kinda... fucked up these exclusionist beliefs were, now that i was on the receiving end of them? so i left the truscum community (despite still holding transmedicalist beliefs at this time) and i made an ace discourse blog called acehet (which at the time i made it, was called allosexuel. but before that i helped run a blog called allodiscourse which then got rebranded to something else after i left idk??) i still held onto some of these initial beliefs. that the split attraction model was silly, that asexuality wasn’t a spectrum, that AVEN was harmful, pansexuality is just special bisexuality, queer was a slur, etc etc. and i did my best to actively work towards unlearning a lot of these things and began to blog in support of them, even if my best friend at the time (the one who later came out to me as nonbinary and inspired me to drop transmedicalist beliefs entirely) still believed in all of these things and felt like i was beginning to believe in the wrong things. (i think because of that i sorta inspired hir to become an inclusionist too after hir past exclusionism too? ze's never said what sorta made hir change hir stance. idk!) and through that, i began to realize that the root of so many gatekeeping beliefs and arguments were founded through radical feminism, truscum/transmedicalists, and bigotry in general. that so many of these parroted arguments were rehashed versions of “trans women aren’t women” to “nondysphorics aren’t trans” to “bihets aren’t lgbt” to “asexuals(and aromantics) aren’t lgbt” to “intersex people aren’t lgbt” and so forth. invading communities, stealing resources, preying on young lesbians (making her reject womanhood and become nonbinary/trans, internalized lesbiphobia and IDing as ace or bi, somehow sexually abusing them, etc.) and so on. they’re all the same fucking arguments. from the same fucking sources.  and i have been saying this for years since i realized it. there are maybe 1 or 2 beliefs i held onto since i started interacting with the truscum community back in 2011, before the term was coined. but i believe it only for myself, and do not apply it to anyone else. i, personally and for myself only, believe my own transexuality is a medical condition characterized by my dysphoria, and i’ve never really identified with the trans community. i don’t identify with the trans flag, so i don’t use it for myself. i avoid the term “trans” unless necessary. and in 2016-2018 i pretended to be a cis man online until it became too much and i hated lying. i don’t apply this to anyone else, only myself. because i only want to focus on the medical aspect of my transition. this is a major contrast with my intersex identity. where i don’t consider my intersex variation to be a condition, but rather a major identity of mine. whereas most people would see the inverse of this—that trans is an identity and intersex is a condition. for me, and me personally, it’s the opposite. my intersexuality is my identity and my transexuality is my condition. (i cannot stress enough that i only apply this belief to myself, nobody else.) i identify with the intersex community, i identify with the intersex flag, and being intersex is the most major part of my presentation and gender. there’s probably so many things i’ve missed since it’s been a decade since the conception of truscum as a group. before that i believe there were a similar group made up of trans women on some forums called HBSers (harry benjamin syndrome-ers). unlearning all of these beliefs i’ve internalized in my youth and trying to use my past as a way to dissuade people away from gate-keeping and exclusionism has been what i’ve been doing my best to do since around late 2015, even if i was still in the process of dropping my own harmful and exclusionary separatist beliefs after that time. there are still truscum-y thoughts that creep back into my mind every time i might come across something new or “cringy”, but after 2018/2019 when i finally came to the full realization that HRT would never work on me (my biggest nightmare since 2013 when i learned i was intersex)—i fully embraced my own cringy identity as a straight-lesbian ftm intersex man and embraced MOGAI as a term.  all queer-separatism beliefs, exclusionism, gate-keeping, and other lgbtqia+ infighting all stems from bigotry and hate. it stems from radfems, from truscum/transmedicalists, from people “exclusionists” claim to hate yet have no problem parroting arguments from. it’s all rooted in hatred and elitism and separating the “pure” identities away from the “bad” ones. all forms of gate-keeping in queer communities like this is bigoted and harmful, because it’s a slippery slope into all the other forms of gate-keeping as well. anyway i hope this wasn’t hard to read? i’m pretty rambly and i have trouble keeping my thoughts in check. i’ve most likely missed a lot of things and forgotten many more, but this is more or less the timeline that led me to learn that being truscum was genuinely and incredibly fucking harmful and i am still trying to make up for it. my 2 biggest regrets in life are 1. being truscum and 2. inventing circumgender. 

[norgestan]

Hello! I was wondering how would you have liked dani to be and how would you have liked the damira scenes to be ? (the changes you would have made to actually enjoy and ship damira)

okay quick bucket list:

recast dani with a muslim actor of color

rewrite the entire s4 script

done :)

with the funny answer out of the way... there’s simply no way that i could’ve shipped damira, i am sorry. it’s truly beyond me. nothing about their dynamic charms me or makes me think they’re better or any different than the superior option for a white/non-muslim love interest, aka amiris. i can even enjoy virihugo despite really disliking the way they got together and most of their clips anyway. (also this is a good post that explains why dani being amira’s endgame LI is a bit of a fucking joke)

however, there are a couple of ways in which i could’ve enjoyed damira narratively. and that requires heavily tweaking dani as a character as well of how their entire dynamic works. i’ve made plently of jokes of how i am Not an og purist but, if eskam had chosen at least one relationship to develop super closely as it was in og, then i would’ve wanted that relationship to be yousana. they’re my favorite pair in skam for a bunch of reasons and most of them have to do with yousef being so in contact with sana’s culture. one big example of that is the last clip of episode 9 where they go on that iconic date: it’s both a slideshow of their chemistry and sensual/romantic tension as a couple, and a showcase of the thing that makes me love them the most, which is their super long conversation about faith and their future. to me, those were the moments lacking in damira because they got too caught up on painting dani as this hyper-realized version of a LI which turned out to be a self-congratulatory asshole who disrespected amira in various ways. there were never instances in which they seriously discussed dani reverting to islam in the future, or actually conciliated their visions of their faith to really show where they were in sync and where they disagreed to start working on it. after watching the yousana date clip, i left with the impression that yousef reverting to islam was a real possibility, but i can’t say the same for dani. the damira ending in particular rewards dani for being the way he is, and the worst thing is that amira practically encourages him to never be a muslim because she loves him the way he is (what the fuck!). moreover, he never showed any interest in following amira’s conditions, never tried to familiarize himself with her culture and friends (he took her to a BAR to meet HIS friends but he’s never even shown bonding with las labass?), never really cared about anything that wasn’t to get amira to be physically intimate with him. see, when i think of the yousana dynamic i see the yousef as someone who can read the sana and therefore know what to say and do, not because he only wants to charm her but because he genuinely cares about her. even sofianne showed some of that on the earlier episodes of skamfr s4, but that’s completely lost on damira and dani in particular. and i’m not gonna pretend that this task is possible to do with a white, christian-raised love interest. for this to work, whoever sp!yousef is has to be way more in sync culturally with amira.

a way to partially solve that issue is to make dani be honest to amira throughout the season. i don’t doubt he’s genuinely into her but then he doesn’t communicate her his doubts about the relationships and lies to her about the whole “the only problem in our relationship is the haters <3″ bullshit that he spews out for three entire episodes. moreover, dani being honest from the start would’ve given amira enough hints (red flags) that dani didn’t really take any of her conditions seriously and he was just waiting for her to be less strict about the terms that he agreed on, and maybe there would’ve been a real critique to the character that 1) didn’t make amira look like an “annoying religious fanatic” (which she wasn’t at all lol) to most of the white audience who sided with dani when the relationship started falling apart, and 2) taught an actual lesson to amira about how would a relationship between a white dude who has no intentions to be muslim in the future would go like. i can understand why eskam still left the question pending on the air as they wanted to give amira an endgame and they probably didn’t want to make it seem like muslim/christian relationships don’t work in the slightest when this is the first mainstream show with a hijabi protagonist in spain... but eh. fucking cowards.

if it’s not obvious by now, to me, the ideal version of damira is the one where they’re not endgame by any means, even going to the point that i really dislike that dani even likes amira back. i would’ve really loved if dani stayed in amira’s daydreams throughout the season, where her idealized version of a childhood friends to lovers story is quickly replaced by a more realistic relationship with someone who actually makes efforts to be with her (cough cough bi!kasim anyone?). in that case, dani can be as douchebag-ey as he was for the entire season, idc, but now the show would really acknowledge that and drive the message that amira deserves someone who’s attentive and respectful and genuinely loving of her. and hopefully say that without making it seem like it’s impossible for muslims to date non-muslims: more like, it’s unlikely for amira to date dani in particular, and only because he clearly has no interest on following on the things that she values the most - which is a message that applies to every relationship, honestly.

if i had free reign on completely redesigning dani’s character and the damira dynamic, then i would make dani way more understanding and have his clumsiness be acknowledged and criticized instead of both the characters and the audience using it as a justification time and time again. he’d show genuine interest in islam, he’d thoroughly discuss boundaries with amira to assure that they’re both comfortable, he’d made sure to safely insert himself on her spaces and not just drag them to bars and basketball courts on every date, they’d have SO many conversations of faith that truly make him a nuanced character and also help flesh out the reasons of why amira loves being muslim. which i think are just ways of dani respecting amira’s agency and showing genuine interest on her besides his initual infatuation, as all the other endgame LIs of the show have done it. i’d completely erase the stupid “uwu islam won’t let me kiss dani/viceversa” plotpoint from existence, for SURE. with all of those changes i would be neutral on the existence of damira as i am with virihugo, i think. but also the thing that truly holds me back is that... just, the lack of characters of color in the show. with the way kasim was only used as a plot device and dounia was written out off her best friend role very early in, we truly don’t even have a significant presence of muslim people of color in amira’s season. whitewashing yousef is a big part in that too, and that’s why people were so eager to believe that kasim could’ve been amira’s endgame for this season.

[hancfubuki]

character analysis;

SAKURA FUTABA

alright, lads. those who know me or followed me on my previous blog know that i LOVE to do this. i need to clarify that i study psychology, so these analysis is coming from a professional point of view ( which i do mostly to reinforce my essays because like, teachers love to make us analyse movies and characters lol ) and solidify my characters as my passion is giving a feeling to them of ACTUAL human beings. 

now, i have seen many headcanons of futaba being autistic but, yet again, from a psychological perspective i don’t see it, and i’m gonna explain why. ( however if you headcanon her as autistic is completely valid. this is a personal analysis and perspective ).

if you have a character analysis request let me know and i’ll be more than glad to do it!!

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG POST. I’LL TRY TO MAKE IT AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE BUT I KNOW BEFOREHAND IT IS FOR SURE GONNA BE LONG. 

breaking down the character i can see clear signals of depression, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, hikikomori syndrome and selective mutism; this last one is commonly mistaken with the autistic spectrum because the common knowledge is associating the non-verbal behavior with the autistic spectrum or cases of schizophrenia, but in fact, this condition is not only applicable to those disorders. in real life, some people have been diagnosed with autism when in fact they suffer selective mutism, so it’s better to actually understand the root of the disorder before jumping to conclusions and giving an actual diagnosis. 

let’s start with a short definition of each condition:

MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER: this condition affects negatively on the way a patient feels, thinks or acts. it causes severe feelings of sadness and in the majority of the cases loss of interest in activities that were formerly enjoyed. this also has an effect on the patient’s behavior and can also lead to physical problems. 

( SOCIAL ) ANXIETY DISORDER: a pretty common condition ( there are studies that say that nearly 30% of the adult population suffer from this disorder ). this is actually a normal reaction of the brain when it senses excessive fear or stress, it alerts our brain of possible danger and sometimes it can escalate and turn into panic attacks. 

AGORAPHOBIA: derives from the anxiety disorder. it is the fear of open, big spaces that can handle large crowds. usually the patient’s affected with this phobia feel fear mostly because they anticipate situations like using public transportation, standing in line, etc. it causes an immense fear that leads to panic attacks because they feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. in some cases, this phobia starts because of previous panic attacks, so the patient will try to avoid those places and if something triggers that feeling, the phobia is going to act up.

HIKIKOMORI SYNDROME: this is a japanese culture-bound syndrome. it affects mostly young people in japan. they live isolated from the world, most of them locked down on their parent’s house ( some of the cases might communicate ONLY with their relatives. in the most severe cases they won’t speak to anyone at all ). this lock down can last days, months or years and it is heavily influenced by the internet and technology, as the it is their only escape. 

SELECTIVE MUTISM: also derives from anxiety disorder. the patient is unable to speak in CERTAIN social situations. it usually starts on childhood but it also affects adults. contrary to its name the person does not refuse to speak, they don’t have a choice as they are truly UNABLE to speak. certain people triggers panic on them and this causes the talking to be impossible, as it is an anxiety disorder, the person will anticipate situation as well that cause distress. however, despite of this trigger the people that suffer from this condition is able to speak freely to close family circles and friends as they don’t really trigger a freeze response on them. mostly this fear comes from the expectation the other person might have on them, and this provokes the anxiety causing a great difficulty responding or initiating verbal communication.

moving to her personality and background, from the very first moment we notice the anxiety coming from her, she is only able to communicate behind a screen and with an alias as she does not really completely trusts the phantom thieves. why do i think she has selective mutism instead of being under the autistic spectrum? easy, when you start the game you can notice sojiro constantly getting calls ( and we realize later on they were from futaba ). meaning that she is able to bond properly with him, sojiro even explains later on the game that she didn’t eat nor talk for a long time and little by little he was regaining her trust to let her know that she wasn’t alone. still, you can notice sojiro’s guilt as he is not able to take her out of the house and he is happy that at least she is eating but still you can see the traces of the depression and anxiety on her personality.

futaba explains her desire to die, a common thought that derives from depression as the people that suffer this condition usually see life as meaningless. she doesn’t want to be seen either, so she covers her face and any trace that could easily identify her because yet again, she needs trust to speak normally to another person, besides she has this constant fear of being judged which shows her anxiety. 

also a very important point is that people with this affections ( anxiety and selective mutism ) is that they might come off as RUDE or BLUNT ( something we notice on futaba ), because they are well, socially inept. however, as soon as she starts spending more time with the thieves she starts acting more relaxed and it’s when she starts showing her cheerful, childish side. i truly believe that these conditions started from her childhood, because as it is stated on her story line, she grew up being a lonely child. kids would just ignore her because she was considered a genius, her mother was never home and she started believing that her mother cared more about her research than being with her, this plus the lack of friendships and her mother’s dead only developed a severe anxiety disorder that later on was going to evolve in the conditions i explained previously. 

the thieves indeed help her to slowly start her process of overcoming her fears, and it shows that initially she didn’t really got along well with all of them, especially makoto because makoto has a more mature vibe than the others and this would only intimidate her and made it hard to actually catch her attention because most of the subjects makoto would bring were considered boring for futaba. remember that social anxiety causes that, you are not going to bond with everyone and only trust can lead to a relationship of reciprocate interest. 

overall, we can see how throughout the game she starts doing better. she creates a list with joker that allows her to conquer her own fears and well, after all everything is a process that takes years. she still relies a lot on the internet, but now she has real interaction and friends, but still when joker is about to leave she thinks about the possibility of them no talking to her anymore because akira is actually the glue in the group. of course thankfully it didn’t go that way, and they remained closed even after their leader left ( it’s canon on P5D don’t touch me ). akira is such an important figure for her as well, he has a lot to do with her improvement and i sense ADMIRATION coming from her, because akira is everything she would never dare to be. however the best chemistry she has among her friends are ryuji and yusuke, as they are easygoing, eccentric people and it’s easier to pick up trust on their personalities, as well as morgana as she shows a deep love for cats. ann, makoto and haru are the completely opposite of what futaba is yet the friendship still work because they take up on the big sis role for her. makoto is extremely mature so she actually helps her to find her boundaries, ann might have caused an issue on her self-esteem at some point but she also is someone she admires because futaba realized that she is not only looks, instead, she is an actual warrior who deals with a lot of things, and haru is the fluff ball that actually spoils her. all the different personalities among the group helps futaba towards her rehabilitation ( i’m sorry, i had to LMAO ). 

an important aspect is sojiro, HE DOESN’T PRESSURE HER INTO ANYTHING, he knows and understand what she is going through and he let her be because he is aware that HE CANNOT CHANGE HER. change and getting better is a personal decision, and of course a person needs support but you can’t actually do it for them. honestly, sojiro is a GREAT paternal figure and he deserves all the love he gets because he is so caring and understanding that he contributes to her growing. also the balance in the group of friends is really important for a person who suffers from severe anxiety disorders because it allows them to interact and explore things that are out of their comfort zone, and this is the case with the thieves. they are so different yet so similar that it is easy for her to understand how despite having a similar background it affects everyone differently, leading her to open up her mind a little and allowing her to understand that the change lies within her.

in summary, we can notice a big change on futaba, she is more comfortable outside and with people and she eventually will be over her traumas. remember that she is still growing up and she has a lot to go through, there will be good and bad times, probably future traumas that might affect her anxiety but that’s what i love about her character, it’s not about “getting cured of the conditions” is learning to live with them because they are apart of you. and this is what the character development on my futaba portrayal will go, it will be her accepting her anxiety and realizing that anxiety doesn’t control her but instead finding balance. 

[studioblrcollective]

Graphic Design Portfolio Sites

Key things to remember when creating a portfolio website Main Writer: @allydsgn | Allyson Arrogante

Welcome to the Spring Semester, when most design students have either started looking into jobs or even started interviewing for them. Design conferences are holding job fairs and design communities are hosting reviews. Portfolio, business cards, and business-casual outfits either ready to go or in progress, students are trying to make sure they check off every box for what they need to be the best candidate graduating in town this semester.

Studioblr Collective is here to help you check one of those boxes off, and that’s your Portfolio website. Some students use their portfolio website as their portfolio book as well, bringing iPads and laptops to interviews and conferences to click through, so we found this topic to be a big necessity to write at this time of year.

What are we covering?

Why should you have a portfolio site

What should be on your site

How to format what’s in it

How and where to build your site

Disclaimer: you will hear different advice from different people, so please, as always, when you hear advice take what you think applies to you and leave behind what you think does not work. Be responsible for your decisions and believe in them, don’t do something just because someone else told you to.

1. Why Should I Have a Portfolio Site?

To those that do not have a lot of time or experience building a website, building an online portfolio that is supposed to encompass and showcase work in its best light may seem daunting. Some may find reasons to not put the time and effort into one, but it can be through Behance, Dribbble, or your own site. Whatever you choose, you should have an online portfolio that’s easily accessible and identifying to you and your work.

The first, and probably most obvious, reason that you’ll want your work to be 24/7 accessible and easy to find is for potential employers. If they put your name into Google, or stumble across you on LinkedIn and other social platforms, they should be able to find your website: the reliable go-to place to see what you think is your best work and links to all of your other profiles that they are probably interested in seeing. With this said, make sure that whatever you hand out or send to people has your website’s URL on it.

It’s not only a great gallery and showing your best work, but it is also a reliable way to get a hold of you. When you hand out a business card or tell someone your name, an impulse for those interested in you is to look you up later. This could be potential employers or other designers that just want to connect, which could lead to opportunities later. Hook up your professional email to your site to make sure you’re separating your junk mail and spam from the emails you actually want to read. Being timely in your responses also helps you look reliable, professional, and interested.

2. What Should Be On My Site?

Some common mistakes are to include too much or too little information about you and your work. Here’s a list of necessities to make sure you check off:

Your work should be in the spotlight

Context for you and your projects

Resume

A Little About You

Your Brand

Your Contact Information and Other Profiles

Some of these seem obvious or vague, so let’s jump into the details.

3. How to Format Your Website

Overall, your website should be treated as a portfolio piece in itself. Typography, color, hierarchy, brand system, and so on should be considered when building this site. Just like a website you’d make for a school project, you should be sure that your website experience is consistent, meaningful, and intentional. Your site should be responsive and it should be easy to find the things we listed above. Now, let’s talk about how to format and what to remember about the specific parts of your site:

Your Work:

Only your best work should be featured. Your “average” work will distract from your “wow” work.

“If your portfolio looks and feels bare, that’s because it is”

List projects as campaigns if they have multiple parts, not separated, so viewers can see the system that you built. This format will help you tell the story of the campaign. Your pieces speak louder when together.

Use mockups that are clear, show your work in context, and in its best light

Your work (logos specifically) should be clear to see and analyze with appropriate clearing space.

The process is beneficial to show your thinking/ideation process

Walk through your process per project and pace out your work for easy digestion

Make it clear what people are looking at and what to expect

Context:

As we said above, you should walk through your work, to provide context as to what helped you make certain decisions.

Some things to include per project should be who it was for, the challenges you faced, and how you felt you solved their problems.

If it was a team project, you must say so and list who else you worked with. It is not right to claim a whole project for yourself if you only did a part of it.

Keep descriptions simple, clear, and straightforward. You can add some flavor words for the sake of branding, but don’t get convoluted.

Put relevant text by relevant pictures to help drive your points mentioned.

Resume:

Make a link or button that clearly leads to this as it’s a heavily sought after link when recruiting.

It should be a PDF so that it’s easy to print out if a physical copy is needed for files. A typed and coded page is optional, just be sure it’s formatted well so that it is easy to read and matches your branding.

Use the version of your resume that enforces the kind of work you want to do. Some people have different resumes pertaining to certain types of jobs, so the one that everyone can see at all times should be for the job that you are looking for the most.

This could also be a good place to link to side projects or other online endeavors you’re a part of to show your involvement and what kind of projects interest you.

A Little About You:

A short, sweet, and catchy couple of sentences will do when it comes to personal interests.

Also, use this moment to talk about what kind of work you like and what you want to do. Recruiters will be able to see if you’re the right fit for their position or not.

A picture of you, or some sort of image you resonate with, helps give a visual aid to remember you by.

Your Brand:

This is used to keep everything consistent, not to overpower your work.

Your logo or name should be clearly visible on most, if not all, of your pages. The more your viewers are exposed to it and stays consistent, the easier it’ll be for them to recall you when they see your branding elsewhere.

How you talk in your text and how you display your work also follows your brand. Be aware of what you’re trying to say, how you want to say it, and the tone you want to use to express yourself.

Your Contact Information and Other Profiles:

Make sure a way to contact you is clear on the home page or in your navigation (this can be your email actually listed near the top of the page or a “contact” page that people know to click on.

On this page, it’s up to you to use a contact form or not, but either way, your main form of contact (most likely email) should be clearly listed on this page.

This is where you would put your other profiles for people to check out as well, such as LinkedIn, Instagram, Dribbble, Behance, and so on.

4. Where to Host and Build your Website

Here’s the fun part: development.

As a designer and not a developer, you are obviously not expected to code your site from the ground up. However, if you’re looking into becoming a web designer or partly get into development, it could be a great project to show off those skills. No matter how you choose to build, just remember that you need a domain name and a hosting plan. How you decide to build your site, and what functions you’re planning to have within it, will change if there is a variable third cost: the website builder’s subscription to use their service.

Let’s walk through the options:

Code Your Own Website

If you’re a web developer, this would be a great showcase of that ability on a smaller scale by your own rules

Full control comes with full responsibility. You have to figure out how to do everything on your site or at least hook up to it.

No subscription cost if you know how to develop without a builder and you update files through an FTP server.

Development will take longer.

WordPress/CMS

Good experience to work with WordPress since a lot of sites with bigger databases use this.

More “quick” functionality with the plugin library, but can also get more complicated as you deal with other people’s code and functionality to get things to work how you want them to.

WordPress has the option to upload a custom theme with custom post types if you want to do more than just display your portfolio. Another reason why a developer may want to use this instead.

There are some costs associated with WordPress if you’re using their themes. They also have plans with varying amounts of features where you can choose what’s best for you.

Evolving In-Betweens

Want a CMS with some advanced styling but don’t want to code? Sites like Webflow and Bubble are pushing the boundaries on drag and drop builders by giving you advanced customization.

These sites take more styling attention versus something like Squarespace with a starting template but offer more customization per element.

Some basic front-end styling knowledge would help when making decisions considering formatting and layout.

Subscriptions are not avoidable and should be reviewed for what features you want or need.

Squarespace and Other Site Builders

Most site builders are very intuitive and have great user experience as they are built specifically for those that don’t want to code.

Themes are somewhat customizable with styles, google fonts, and Adobe fonts options. They also will usually include custom CSS and code injection for those specific custom pieces.

Be aware of all functions you want and what functions are available at which subscription plan price. (example: if you want to sell products on your site as well that costs extra per month to host on Squarespace, and other similar website building sites)

There is usually no way around the subscription cost.

Adobe Portfolio (that hooks to Behance)

Very intuitive and easy user experience

If you’re already using Behance then you can easily and quickly sync up, which is great. You can also hide certain projects from your Adobe Portfolio while having them still visible on Behance so you can choose the best work.

Currently has very limited functions, so be aware, again, of what you want and what’s available.

Themes are limited and fixed to an extent, but by default are nicely designed.

Comes free with an Adobe subscription, but you must have one in order to use this service.

In Conclusion

You should have a portfolio site so that people looking to hire or network with you have a reliable place to see your best content, all other relatable profiles, and have a way to contact you.

This website should feature your best work, not too many or too little projects, and should be showcased on a campaign basis, not by its pieces. It should also hold relevant information about hiring you such as your resume, contact information, and a little bit about you. All of these things should be encompassed in your brand’s experience, but not overwhelmed by it.

Your projects need context which can be done with supporting text, walking through its process and pieces, and by supplying information such as its challenge and proposed solutions. Also, make sure that everything is displayed clearly, or can be found easily.

No matter how you build your site you’ll need a domain name and a hosting provider. The third cost that could change depends on what functions you want on your site and which way you choose to develop. Website builders will have subscription fees based on the features you want to have.

The Studioblr Collective hopes that this was helpful and encourages any of our readers to ask questions or provide feedback: we’d be happy to respond!

Have fun and keep up the good work, designers!

References:

Personal Experience

https://www.creativelive.com/blog/5-graphic-design-portfolio-mistakes/

https://99designs.com/blog/freelancing/how-to-build-graphic-design-portfolio/

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Shaky Seattle: Planning for Earthquakes

By: Justina Theado

Image source: 

https://oregonstate.edu/instruct/oer/earthquake/06%20chapter%205_color.html

Introduction

Seattle is currently overdue for a magnitude 8 or 9 earthquake, or otherwise known as a megaquake. These types of earthquakes have an average occurrence of 234 years, and the last one that occurred was in 1700.1 That means that at any time, Seattle could have a massive earthquake that could shake up everyone’s way of life. The question is: is Seattle prepared for this? The city has many fault lines that run through it, including the Seattle Fault. The fault is not very active, but when there is an earthquake it is always very large and devastating.2 The fault has only been active 4 times in the last 3,000 years, the last one occurring 1,100 years ago.2 Despite this, there are many other faults and subduction zones that commonly produce deep earthquakes. The Cascadia subduction zone can produce earthquakes above a magnitude 9, which are very devastating.2

My interest in this area is sparked from the fact that I would love to move to Seattle in the future. The area and wildlife are beautiful, however being from the Midwest and not having dealt with earthquakes in the past, they scare me. Research into this topic has helped ease my mind, and I hope it does for you too.

This post will cover the question, what practices and plans does Seattle, Washington have in place to mitigate earthquakes?

What areas are most vulnerable to earthquakes?

The Seattle Fault runs directly under the city.1There are also other faults and subduction zones, such as the Juan de Fuca plate boundary, the North American plate boundary, and the Cascadia subduction zone.2 These produce many types of earthquakes. There are shallow earthquakes that occur 0-30 km below the surface along the fault line, deep earthquakes that occur 30-70 km below the surface, and a subduction earthquake that occur along the North American plate and the Juan de Fuca plate.2

Seattle is particularly vulnerable because the fault line runs through the middle of the city and can produce a pretty high magnitude earthquake.2 Deep earthquakes are the most common in the region, and there have been 6 severe ones in the last 100 years.2

The ground of Seattle also makes it vulnerable. Around 15% of the total area of the city is soil that is prone to ground failure and liquefaction.2 The city sits on a basin that is filled with loose ground material that causes an increase in ground shaking and makes the shaking last longer.2

Seattle relies heavily on bridges for transportation, so this could be a problem if an earthquake occurs. If the earthquake is high enough magnitude to cause enough ground shaking, it could damage the bridge or even cause it to collapse. This could be particularly bad if emergency vehicles need to cross the bridges to help with the emergency, and this could be hindered if they are unable to get across a damaged bridge.2

As of 2018, there were 91 un-retrofitted bridges in Seattle.2 The city is working to try and retrofit these buildings with steel reinforcements, however the process is slow and costly.2

Seattle earthquake building codes

Seattle has many different building codes to mitigate for earthquake hazards. The codes have different requirements for different land sites and different types of buildings. The different land sites are determined by their level of vulnerability to shaking, which is based partly on the type of soil that the site is on, as different soils have different susceptibilities to ground shaking, and the sites spectral response acceleration, which is the maximum acceleration that an earthquake can have on an object.3 There are codes for bearing wall systems, building frame systems, movement resisting frame systems, structural steel systems, and more.3 Each type of site classification has different building requirements for each of these types of systems.

Currently, there are 1,100 unreinforced buildings in the city of Seattle.2 Most of these are older brick and masonry buildings that are in areas that are the most vulnerable to ground failure.2  

Flaws in building codes

The main problem with mitigating for earthquakes is that there are exceptions to building codes. This can create an unnecessary risk, as any building can fall if there is enough shaking. There is no reason to have exceptions, because as the saying goes, better safe than sorry.

Some of the exceptions include all structures and detached one/two-family homes that are built in an area with a spectral response acceleration of 0.4 g or less, agricultural storage systems that have no intention of human occupancy, and any other structures that have different requirements for seismic codes like bridges, electrical towers, buried utility lines, and nuclear reactors.3 Since the governmental code is different for these places, it makes it hard to tell if they are up to the standards they should be for an earthquake.

Another issue is that reinforced concrete walls might not actually be able to withstand the round shaking from a possible magnitude 9 earthquake.4 In Seattle, most buildings that are over 24 stories tall are not designed to withstand the extra ground movement that is caused from the baisin.4  There is no code specifically related to this issue, and this may cause buildings to sway and collapse.4  The basin effect causes 11% more damage to reinforced concrete walls, which gives them an extra 33% change to collapse.4 If there was a magnitude 9 earthquake tomorrow, then the instability of the tall buildings can cause destruction to the rest of the city.

Retrofitting and other techniques

There are many government handbooks on planning for earthquakes in the home.  These can be found on the Seattle government’s website.  The handbooks explain why houses fall, what you can do to retrofit your home, and other mitigation techniques.

When retrofitting your home, the first thing someone needs to do is obtain a permit.5 Hiring a seismic contractor might help with extensive tasks, with the added benefit of knowledge and experience.1 Common things that are needed when retrofitting a home include foundation and framing anchors, strapping in of the water heater, chimney bracing, and reinforcement of posts and beams.1 Someone may need to replace sections of damaged concrete walls and strengthen pony walls while anchoring them to the floor.5 Some important things to take into consideration when retrofitting a home are the average size and depth of earthquakes in the region, the location in proximity to fault lines, and the composition of the soil.5

Another thing someone can do to prepare for earthquakes is create a detailed plan. This plan could include things about education, a specific meeting place, communication methods between family members, and a plan for pets.1 The Seattle government has provided several checklists of items that it recommends its citizens to make sure they have together in the case of an earthquake.1 Some of these items include bottled water, a flashlight, a can opener, a whistle, and blankets.1

Lastly, if a house is damaged in an earthquake, the city allows citizens to apply for an emergency repair permit.6 This permit covers structural damage that occurs from an earthquake.6 This is a great thing to have, as there needs to be a backup plan in case the retrofitting doesn’t hold up.

Conclusion and Summary

Looking at the question of what practices and plans does Seattle, Washington have in place to mitigate earthquakes, I learned that they have many mitigation strategies in place to plan for earthquakes. While Seattle is vulnerable to earthquakes, there are many things that the government does to make sure they and their citizens are prepared for earthquakes. There are many building codes that are in place, and while there are some improvements that can be made, they are pretty good for the most part. The government also has many resources on their website for citizens to gain information about earthquakes themselves and how they can best prepare for them.

Overall, I believe Seattle is a great and relatively safe place to live. There is no place in the world that is completely safe from hazards, so might as well move to a place where you know they prepare well like Seattle.

References:

1Enhabit. (2016). Earthquake Preparedness in the Northwest [PDF file]. Seattle.gov. Retrieved from https://enhabit.org/documents/Enhabit-Seismic-Homeowner-Guide_4-1-16.pdf

2Seattle Office of Emergency Management (2014). Earthquakes [PDF file]. Seattle.gov. Retrieved from https://www.seattle.gov/Documents/Departments/Emergency/PlansOEM/SHIVA/SHIVAv7.0-Earthquake.pdf

3American Society of Civil Engineers. (2002). Minimum Design Loads for Buildings and Other Structures [PDF file]. ASCE Standard. Retrieved from https://law.resource.org/pub/us/cfr/ibr/003/asce.7.2002.pdf

4Seismological Society of America. (2019). Reinforced concrete damage may be larger than expected in Seattle earthquake. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190424125111.htm

5Seattle Department of Construction & Inspection. (2007). Earthquake Home Retrofit Handbook [PDF file]. Seattle.gov. Retrieved from https://www.seattle.gov/Documents/Departments/SDCI/About/EQHomeRetrofitWoodFramedResidential.pdf

6Seattle Department of Construction & Inspection. (2019). Emergency Repair Permit. Seattle.gov. Retrieved from http://www.seattle.gov/sdci/permits/permits-we-issue-(a-z)/emergency-repair-permit