#i felt like i rlly needed to explain her condition

[barelytolerabled]

Hi sorry this is rlly depressing but can you do a Spencer x wife!Reader where reader had a miscarriage or something idk

Fragments of Healing

Spencer Reid x wife!Reader

Summary: ⬆️

Warnings: miscarriage, grief

WC: 1.624

Taglist: @envraijesaispas @rosecentury @taygrls @thisismeraki @thenerdthatwrites @bigbunnygucci @jordie-gvf @twdgviolets

The house was too quiet, the stillness settling heavily upon your heart. Sitting on the edge of the bed, you clutched your stomach, aching with the knowledge that something was wrong. A mix of fear and worry coursed through your veins as you dialed Spencer's number for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Voicemail. He was away on a case, and it seemed like he was unreachable.

Days had passed since you started feeling off, but Spencer had convinced you it was just your nerves. His brilliant mind, always so logical and rational, couldn't fathom the possibility of anything going wrong. But deep down, you knew something wasn't right. With each passing moment, your unease grew, and now it had become a relentless torment.

Desperate for support, you reached for your phone and dialed JJ's number, praying that your friend would pick up.

"JJ, please," you pleaded, your voice wavering. "I can't take it anymore. I don't know what's happening, and Spencer's not here. I need you."

JJ's voice, laced with concern, filled the line. "I'm on my way. Just hold on. You're not alone."

You clung to the phone, feeling a glimmer of hope wash over you. JJ had always been a compassionate friend, and you knew you could trust her. In your fragile state, the mere thought of facing Spencer's potential reaction terrified you.

Minutes felt like an eternity until you heard a knock on your front door. You hastily wiped away your tears and opened it to reveal JJ, her eyes filled with concern.

"Hey, are you okay?" JJ asked, pulling you into a comforting hug. "What happened?"

"I don't know," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "I've been feeling off, and the pain... it's unbearable."

JJ guided you to the couch, settling you down with a gentle touch. "Let's get you to a hospital, okay? We'll figure this out together."

Tears streamed down your face as you nodded, grateful for JJ's unwavering support. The drive to the hospital was a blur, and soon you found yourself in a sterile room, surrounded by doctors and nurses who worked tirelessly to assess your condition. JJ remained at your side, her presence a constant source of comfort in the midst of your fear and uncertainty.

Hours turned into eternity, until finally, a doctor approached you with solemn eyes. Your worst fears were confirmed in that moment. You have lost your baby.

The world crumbled around you as the doctor explained the details. Your heartache was overwhelming, and a fresh wave of grief washed over you. You clung to JJ, who held you tight, offering a silent solace in your darkest moment.

Meanwhile, Spencer's mind raced as he traveled back home, eager to see his beloved wife after the long and grueling case. He anticipated sharing stories of his triumphs, unaware of the impending devastation that awaited him.

Arriving at the familiar threshold, he noticed the eerie silence that enveloped the house. Panic gripped him, and he called out for you, hoping for a response that would dissolve the knot of anxiety tightening in his chest. But the only response was the echo of his own voice, as if the walls were mocking him.

Frantic, Spencer searched every room, his heart pounding in his ears. His gaze fell upon the missed calls and voicemail notifications on his phone. As he listened to your trembling voice, describing the anguish that had transpired, a cold wave of realization washed over him.

Tears welled up in Spencer's eyes as he understood the depth of his failure. He hadn't been there when you needed him most, leaving you to suffer alone. Guilt and regret threatened to consume him, his hands shaking with sorrow and remorse.

His trembling fingers dialed JJ's number, praying for answers. JJ hesitated before answering, sensing Spencer's anxiety.

"JJ, where is she? Is she okay? Why isn't she answering her phone?" Spencer's voice cracked with worry.

JJ's voice softened, knowing the difficult conversation that lay ahead. "Spencer, She... she needed me. She's with me right now."

Silence hung heavy on the line as Spencer tried to process the information. Concern mixed with confusion and fear. "Why? What happened? Is she hurt?"

Taking a deep breath, JJ gently explained, "Spencer, she had lost it. She needed support, and she was scared of how you'd react. She needed time to process everything."

Spencer's heart shattered into a million pieces, the weight of his absence crashing down on him. Guilt and grief washed over him in a torrent. He felt the overwhelming urge to be by your side, to hold you and share in your pain.

"I need to see her, JJ," he managed to say, his voice strained with emotion. "Please, tell her I'm coming. I... I love her so much."

JJ assured him that you needed time, but promised to pass along his message. She knew that healing would take time, but also believed in the strength of your love.

Finally, the moment arrived when Spencer stood outside JJ's door, his hand trembling as he raised it to knock. The door swung open, revealing a tired and sympathetic JJ. Her eyes met his, filled with unspoken understanding.

"She's upstairs," JJ said softly, leading Spencer to where you were seeking refuge.

As he climbed the stairs, Spencer's heart pounded in his chest, the anticipation of seeing you mingling with the fear of what he might find. He pushed open the door to JJ's spare room and saw you sitting on the bed, wrapped in a blanket, your eyes red and puffy from crying.

"Honey," Spencer's voice was barely a whisper, choked with emotion. "I'm here."

You looked up at him, your gaze filled with both pain and a glimmer of hope. "Spencer..."

Without hesitation, Spencer crossed the room and enveloped you in his arms, holding you tightly against his chest as you both wept. The weight of your loss settled between you, an unspoken bond formed through shared grief.

"I'm so sorry," Spencer murmured into your hair, his voice filled with regret. "I should have been there for you. I should have listened."

You clung to him, finding solace in his presence despite the pain. "We'll get through this together, Spencer. We have to."

He nodded, his grip on you never faltering. "I love you, I love you so much. And I'm here for you, now and always."

The drive back to your house was filled with a mixture of anticipation and apprehension. Spencer's grip on the steering wheel tightened as he glanced over at you, his eyes filled with worry and uncertainty. He couldn't shake the guilt that weighed heavily on his shoulders, knowing he had let you down when you needed him most.

As you pulled into the driveway, the familiar sight of home brought a bittersweet ache to your heart. It was a reminder of the life that was supposed to be, now shattered by loss. But you also found solace in returning to a space that held memories of love and comfort.

The front door creaked open as you and Spencer cautiously stepped into the house that had once been filled with joy and anticipation. Now, it felt haunted by grief and loss. The air was heavy with a mix of sorrow and tentative hope.

As you entered the familiar space, Spencer's hesitance was palpable. He kept a respectful distance, giving you the space you needed to navigate this painful return. It was evident in his every movement and the way his eyes lingered on you, searching for any sign of your comfort.

Silence hung in the air as you both stood in the living room, the weight of the past few days bearing down on your weary shoulders. You took a deep breath, summoning the strength to move forward, but uncertainty still gnawed at you.

The two of you slowly made your way upstairs, hand in hand, the quietness of the house amplifying your footsteps. In the bedroom, Spencer helped you settle onto the bed, arranging the pillows for your comfort. His touch was gentle and tender, as if he feared causing you any further pain.

Once you were situated, Spencer began to gather his belongings, preparing to retreat to the couch, intending to give you space to rest and heal. But before he could step away, you reached out and caught his hand, your eyes pleading with him.

"Please, Spencer," you whispered, your voice filled with vulnerability. "Stay here with me tonight. I don't want to be alone."

Spencer's gaze met yours, his hesitation giving way to a deep understanding. Without a word, he set aside his belongings and gently climbed onto the bed beside you, ensuring he maintained a respectful distance.

"I'm here," he murmured, his voice laced with tenderness. "I won't leave your side."

A sense of comfort settled within you as you curled up against Spencer, his warmth and steady presence a balm to your wounded heart. With his arms wrapped protectively around you, you felt a glimmer of peace amidst the pain.

The room was enveloped in a quiet stillness, broken only by the soft sound of your breathing and the occasional brush of Spencer's fingers through your hair. The night stretched before you, an expanse of time to heal and rebuild.

In that moment, you knew that while the road to recovery would be challenging, you would face it together. With Spencer by your side, his commitment to supporting you unyielding, you felt the flicker of hope reignite within your weary soul.

As you drifted off to sleep, cradled in Spencer's embrace, you held onto that hope tightly, trusting that love would guide you through the darkness and lead you towards a brighter tomorrow.

[kooktrash]

this drabble idea was inspired by this prompt i saw before: “you wanna act single? fine. then be single.”

omg pretty pls do slow burn yandere!taehyung x reader where he’s not rlly a great bf to her so she breaks up with him and tries to get over it by going out with a lot of guys and it’s only then that tae’s possessive behavior grows worse and worse 🫣 pls make it angsty/smutty can be fluffy too hehe whatever works for you

alright this might be so much slow burn but let me explain 😭😭 I don’t like my requests so long bc they’re really just drabbles and something quick. I hope you like it; really enjoyed this request. Love a good yandere bc I’m crazy and need my man obsessed with a capital OBSESSED [but also not in a You kind of way, more possessive lmao] little over 2k words. light smut at the end. angst and smutty?

“If you want to act single? Fine, be single.”

He swears he short circuit-ed. His eye practically at what you just told him in the middle of what was supposed to be a nice dinner and yet there was an argument involved. He tried to smile or laugh it off despite his breathing suddenly becoming uneven, “What do you mean? I—I don’t act single. I love you, you know that.”

“Clearly I don’t,” your tone was sharp and it had his jaw clenching. What do you mean you don’t know how much he loves you? “You work day and night and when you have free time all you want to do is drink at bars with your friends. You entertain another girl’s flirting right in my face so try. Lie to me again that you love me when I’m not a single one of your priorities. Everyone else seems to be but me.”

“That’s not true. I don’t let other girls flirt with me. I always tell them I have a girlfriend when I go ou—“

“Tae it’s not just that. There’s many reasons I want to break up wi—“ “No, I’m sorry but you’re not dumping me,” he said trying to seem calm as he went to finish his dinner but suddenly he lost his appetite, “We’ll work this out.”

“There’s nothing to work out,” you were suddenly standing and he couldn’t hide his worry anymore, “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong if you already know it. I’m sorry but this just isn’t working anymore. I’ll head out first.”

“Y/n wait,” he rushed to stand just as the waiter came with the bill and he swears he could kill the guy for stalling him. By the time he was finished paying and gathering his things, you were already in a cab.

“It’s just one date, please? He’s bringing a friend and I’ve got no one,” your friend begged you one day after work. It’s only been a few days since you dumped Taehyung and she’s already rushing you to meet new people. He’s been texting you nonstop when before he’d go hours without responding. It was overwhelming because you still loved him but it felt like he didn’t care. If he did he wouldn’t have constantly brushed you off like you weren’t dating.

taehyung: I love you

taehyung: pls can we talk about this

taehyung: I’ll do better

“Fine but if I don’t like it I’m not staying,” you told her as the two of you left the building to a cab. She cheered in triumph and kissed your cheek, “You’re the best. It’ll help you get over Taehyung and move on.”

“It’s been day—“ “Who cares. It’s been a while that you’ve been feeling like this so you’re ready to m—“

“Y/n?” You both stopped abruptly, just a few feet behind you was your recent ex. You released a sigh as your friend looked at you and you gave her a weak smile, “You can go ahead, I’ll see you later?” She gave you a nod, glancing back at Taehyung once more and leaving. You turned to Taehyung, surprised to see his condition changed in just a couple days. His hair was a mess, he had dark circles, and his clothes looked like it’s been worn for days. You walked up to him, “What are you doing here? You never visit me here.”

“I wanted to see you,” he said honestly, head hanging low, “And I just wanted to… baby can we please just talk? Please, I miss you so much.”

“How? How can you miss me when you’d literally go days without seeing me. This should be something you’re used to,” you told him though you let his arm come to your side, “And I’m sorry but I really don’t want to talk to you.”

“Baby,” his voice broke, holding you closer now, “Don’t say that, please. Just… just give me another chance. I promise I’ll change an—“ “Taehyung I need some space, okay? I shouldn’t have had to break up with you for you to realize what a shitty boyfriend you’ve been.”

His eyes began to water and you’ll admit you’ve never seen him get emotional like this but you had to stand your ground. You’re not just going to stay with a guy who can’t value you. Still, you obviously still care about him, that’s not just going to go away so you couldn’t help yourself. You cupped his face and pressed a kiss on the tip of his nose, his hands on your waist as you said, “I’ve gotta go.” He wanted to keep you in his arms but then a cab came and you were slipping away.

Today was the stupid double date that you didn’t want to go on but you already agreed. You were in a café sitting on some couches having coffee across from two guys. They were both attractive but this felt wrong. But if you wanted to get over Taehyung and how he was when you dated, maybe you needed a rebound.

“So, what do you do for work?” One of them asked you in an attempt to make small talk. You set your mug down, “I’m a columnist.”

“Ah, so you both do journalism?” He asked and you nodded. He seemed nice, obviously attractive and sort of gentle. Even if you might not have been too interested in the date, now that you’re here you should try and make the most of it. Your fingers ran through your hair nervously, “What do you do?”

“I’m a mechanic, I work under cars mostly oil changes or engine changes,” he said with a shrug before smirking, “So if you need some work under the hood, I’m your guy.”

“I’ll make sure to call,” you said with a flirty smile, completely unaware of the man on the phone just tables away.

“Y/n’s here with her friend. It looks like they’re on a date,” Yoongi told his heart broken friend. “What?” Taehyung’s jaw clenched as he sat at a red light, “Where? How many people?”

“Two guys, one’s looking real interested in Y/n right now. Is she moving on that fast?” Yoongi asked, “And it’s at a cafe. I’ll send you the place, are you planning on coming because I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“No, I just want to know the place,” Taehyung lied and yet Yoongi believed him and sent the address. It didn’t even take him five minutes to find the place and park across the street. He got off quickly and tried to bury his face in his phone as he found a table far enough from you that you wouldn’t feel him behind you. He hid behind a menu.

“Wow, Jimin seems to be interested in Y/n and Y/n alone,” your friend said loud enough for Taehyung to hear, “Why don’t you just ask to talk somewhere private.”

“Soomin,” you said in a warning tone but you tried to brush it off with a nervous laugh, “Ignore her. She doesn’t have a filter.”

“It’s fine,” Jimin laughed with you, “Maybe we should though, give them privacy too.”

Taehyung stood abruptly, unable to stop his feet from taking him toward you in a swift move. The guys across from you slowly came to a stop mid-conversation at the sight of him and the intimidating glare in his eyes. It made you turn and your heart dropped, “Taehyung. W-what are you doing here?”

“Came for a drink when I catch you sitting here on what looks like a date,” his eyes were solely trained on Jimin whose mug was pressed against his face in an attempt to hide. He doesn’t know who this guy is and frankly he doesn’t want to know, especially when he just met you and Taehyung’s voice was so deep that with his stare he knew he didn’t want to get involved. Your friend sighed, “Taehyung this was my id—“

“Oh, I don’t doubt,” his tone was bitter turning his glare to you, “You’ve been dying for us to break up and now you’re rushing Y/n to move on? Real classy of you, did you tell these guys that you think you might be pregnant?”

“Taehyung!” Your voice rose as she glared at you. “You told him?”

“He was in the room when you called, I didn’t know you were going to say that,” you said honestly as the guys grew more uncomfortable by the second. You released an annoyed huff moving to stand up, “I’m sorry everyone. I think it’s better if I just go.”

“Yeah, I think so too,” the guy you hadn’t been talking to said, “I think Jimin and I should go too, not really interested in taking care of anyone’s kid.”

You pushed Taehyung out the front door, “Why would you do that? Soomin has nothing to do with what’s goin o—“

“She does if she’s trying to set you up on dates not even a week after we broke up!” His tone was loud as you made it to the sidewalk, “And I can’t believe you would actually entertain another guy right now. I thought you needed space, not some guy who just wants you for sex.”

“How do you know that?” You bit back, “Because that’s pretty much all you used me for. Sex and what? A dinner once a week? A text only when you felt like it?”

“Don’t act like you were always there for me either,” Taehyung said, “You were always too busy too. Sorry I stopped trying when you did and it’s not fair that I’m the only one being blamed.”

“I’m leaving, what you just did in there…” you stopped, trying to keep your cool, “Now Soomin’s going to be mad at me.”

Once again you left him.

He made it into his dark tinted car, hands tightening around the steering wheel and as he thought about what he just saw, he couldn’t help himself. His fists banged into the steering wheel, horn going off for a moment as he released some anger. He rested his forehead on the steering wheel trying to calm down. His eyes were bloodshot red, why can’t you just give him another chance?

He wasn’t ignoring you. He didn’t just use you for sex but he knew what kind of guy he was. He knew how obsessive and unhinged he could be so obviously he distanced himself. He wanted to be in a relationship where you didn’t feel overwhelmed by him but now you just left him. He was too busy scaring off any guy who’d try and talk to you that he seemed to have neglected the love of his life. But he won’t give up.

You can’t believe he was at your door right now. You had a long day at work and now Taehyung was in front of you with a bouquet of your favorite flowers. Your head hurt and you just wanted to be alone. So you ignored him as you unlocked the door and you spoke, “I’m tired Taehyung, I can’t do this tonight.”

“Then let me help you relax,” he set down the flowers on the table, immediately falling to his knees, “Please if you won’t take me back yet then let me love you. You love when I get on my knees. After we’ll watch a movie and stay in or we can go out, do whatever you want. I just want to spend time with you.”

“Taehyung I’m not in the mo—“ “Tae,” you released a sigh as he began sliding up your skirt in the process. Your hands were on his shoulders keeping him at a distance even though his hands were running to the back of your thighs closer and closer to your panties. Your mouth parted in surprise as he pretended to nibble on your thighs between words, “I know you want me to. I know how pent up when you get stressed. You know I can make you forget.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes until his hair was getting too close and tickling a certain spot.

“Tae, I know you want to get back together bu—ngh,” your hands tightened around his hair as he pressed you into the wall behind you, nose brushing over your panties, “Bu—Tae!”

“I’m listening,” he muttered, mouthing at your covered clit teasingly over the fabric, “But you’re wearing my favorite panties.”

“We can’t do this, oh fuck, can you just give me a se—“ your lips released a silent moan when he yanked them down roughly. Oh god he knew all your weaknesses to get you to not be mad anymore, you couldn’t help it. You were a sexual being and Taehyung always knew how to pleasure you.

“You’re wet baby, is this for me?” His hands were on your butt, fingers digging in as he grinds his teeth, “Or is this for one of those guys you’re trying to see behind my back.”

“I’m not seeing,mm,” his hot breath was fanning your heat as he spread your legs further apart, tongue giving a quick, shy flick against your hood, “Anyone.”

“But me,” he groaned, arms wrapping around your thighs as he hoisted a leg over your shoulders, “Isn’t that right, baby?”

He was teasing you with very quick licks, and hands that fondled you so deliciously, “Because you know, nobody can make you feel as good as I do. So you can’t just leave me.”

“Then treat me better.”

“I’ll treat you the fucking best,” he gave another lick, even lower, “Even if you don’t like it. I won’t leave you.”

“Tae—“ he cut you off with another, this time tongue flattening between your folds. Fuck he knows sex makes you weak. He peppered kisses against your gardening clit, “I’ll make you feel so good, every night. Every moment of the day that I can.”

“Tell me you’ll take me back,” he looked back up at you, “Please baby, I love you so much and I can’t stand seeing you trying to get over me when I know you still love me.”

“I don’t kn—fuck!” He was going to town now, anything to get you to forget your worries and your hips met his tongue with small thrusts into his mouth, “Fuck, fine. Fine. We’ll try again—“

“God, thank you so much baby, I’ll be better, but don’t ever try to leave me again, you hear me?”

The look in his eyes scared you as his tongue stuck out to lick you again. It was intense and dark but it had you nodding your head, scared to say no. And at the conversation a smile broke out on his face, “Good baby, not let me show you what you’ve missed.”

EL FIN

I’ll probs do like two more requests.

[random-german-cat]

Okay but Malina def shuts down and goes non verbal as a trauma response. Unlike Shade, who yells and loses her mind (/notneg towards my firstborn child)

Ezra would be rlly scared when it first happens, but just pamper the hell out of her during and after

Ezra was having a rough day. He hadn't gotten much from his hunting trip, patients were needing care left and right, there was no time to wind down. Malina then offered to help cook supper, wanting to take something off of her friend's plate. Ezra was grateful and allowed Malina to help him, that was until he reached his wit's end

*CRASH*

Ezra whirled around to see that Malina had dropped a glass bowl and the pieces laid shattered at her feet.

"Oh god dammit, Malina!" Ezra snapped "I asked you to help, not screw this up!" He glared at the hybrid, who's tail instantly curled around her leg and her expression grew guilty

"This was the one thing that was supposed to be easy for me today!" Ezra rambled on and on, laying all of his frustrations on Malina. She didnt move an inch, Ezra's voice grew muffled like it was underwater. Her expression fell flat and the only thing she could hear clearly was her heartbeat and her slow breathing. She couldn't think, couldn't move, and just stared forward

Finally, Ezra had calmed down enough to realize what he did, rubbing his hand over his face

"Shit, jellybean, I'm sorry" he sighed "This isn't your fault.." he looked down at Malina and noticed her condition

"Malina?" There wasn't any response, only a blink from the woman. Ezra started to get worried as he moved around the glass, pulling Malina away from it

"Jellybean, talk to me" Ezra coaxed, but still nothing. "Shit..." he felt awful, knowing he caused this. He picked up Malina and set her on the counter, she was easy to move, but seemingly stiff at the same time

"I gotta clean up the glass first" he explained, knowing she probably couldn't hear him. He cleaned up all the glass before turning back to Malina

"Jellybean?" He asked hopefully, but the only response Malina gave were slow, long breaths and the occasional blink.

"Shit... I'm so sorry.." Ezra wrapped his arms around Malina and held her. He sighed and ran his fingers through her hair

"Y'know.. you really do make my life a lot easier, and a lot less tense.." he confessed, "You're always there to tell me something interesting, or to encourage me, or to just smile at me.. and it means a lot, jellybean. I'm really sorry that this is how I've repaid you..." Ezra went on and on, guilt panging in his soul as he talked to Malina. He did all the things he knew she liked, played with her hair, held her hands, showed her his green flame magic, and she slowly became more and more responsive. Her eyes followed the flames, her hands gently squeezed his hands

Finally she spoke "Soft hands..." she whispered. Ezra had never been so happy to hear Malina's voice.

"Thank you.." he kissed her temple, containing his excitement due to not wanting to overwhelm her right away "Are you okay?.." Malina nodded

"Just.. tired" she answered "I'm sorry.."

"Malina don't you dare apologize- that was completely my fault" Ezra said firmly, looking at Malina. "You were actually an amazing help, and I'm so appreciative of you.."

"Aw.. you're so sweet, Ezra" Malina smiled and held Ezra's hand, "I'm not mad at you.. you've had such a hard day.."

"Yeah, but the only thing that will make my day better is making it up to you.. I'm going cook you dinner, then I have a surprise for you" Ezra promised, kissing Malina's forehead

"Are you sure I can't help?" Malina asked

"You can watch, okay? I don't want you getting hurt" Ezra compromised and pulled Malina off the counter

"Alright, as long as it helps" she said cheerily, watching Ezra as he went back to preparing supper for the night.

[hancfubuki]

character analysis;

SAKURA FUTABA

alright, lads. those who know me or followed me on my previous blog know that i LOVE to do this. i need to clarify that i study psychology, so these analysis is coming from a professional point of view ( which i do mostly to reinforce my essays because like, teachers love to make us analyse movies and characters lol ) and solidify my characters as my passion is giving a feeling to them of ACTUAL human beings. 

now, i have seen many headcanons of futaba being autistic but, yet again, from a psychological perspective i don’t see it, and i’m gonna explain why. ( however if you headcanon her as autistic is completely valid. this is a personal analysis and perspective ).

if you have a character analysis request let me know and i’ll be more than glad to do it!!

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG POST. I’LL TRY TO MAKE IT AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE BUT I KNOW BEFOREHAND IT IS FOR SURE GONNA BE LONG. 

breaking down the character i can see clear signals of depression, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, hikikomori syndrome and selective mutism; this last one is commonly mistaken with the autistic spectrum because the common knowledge is associating the non-verbal behavior with the autistic spectrum or cases of schizophrenia, but in fact, this condition is not only applicable to those disorders. in real life, some people have been diagnosed with autism when in fact they suffer selective mutism, so it’s better to actually understand the root of the disorder before jumping to conclusions and giving an actual diagnosis. 

let’s start with a short definition of each condition:

MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER: this condition affects negatively on the way a patient feels, thinks or acts. it causes severe feelings of sadness and in the majority of the cases loss of interest in activities that were formerly enjoyed. this also has an effect on the patient’s behavior and can also lead to physical problems. 

( SOCIAL ) ANXIETY DISORDER: a pretty common condition ( there are studies that say that nearly 30% of the adult population suffer from this disorder ). this is actually a normal reaction of the brain when it senses excessive fear or stress, it alerts our brain of possible danger and sometimes it can escalate and turn into panic attacks. 

AGORAPHOBIA: derives from the anxiety disorder. it is the fear of open, big spaces that can handle large crowds. usually the patient’s affected with this phobia feel fear mostly because they anticipate situations like using public transportation, standing in line, etc. it causes an immense fear that leads to panic attacks because they feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. in some cases, this phobia starts because of previous panic attacks, so the patient will try to avoid those places and if something triggers that feeling, the phobia is going to act up.

HIKIKOMORI SYNDROME: this is a japanese culture-bound syndrome. it affects mostly young people in japan. they live isolated from the world, most of them locked down on their parent’s house ( some of the cases might communicate ONLY with their relatives. in the most severe cases they won’t speak to anyone at all ). this lock down can last days, months or years and it is heavily influenced by the internet and technology, as the it is their only escape. 

SELECTIVE MUTISM: also derives from anxiety disorder. the patient is unable to speak in CERTAIN social situations. it usually starts on childhood but it also affects adults. contrary to its name the person does not refuse to speak, they don’t have a choice as they are truly UNABLE to speak. certain people triggers panic on them and this causes the talking to be impossible, as it is an anxiety disorder, the person will anticipate situation as well that cause distress. however, despite of this trigger the people that suffer from this condition is able to speak freely to close family circles and friends as they don’t really trigger a freeze response on them. mostly this fear comes from the expectation the other person might have on them, and this provokes the anxiety causing a great difficulty responding or initiating verbal communication.

moving to her personality and background, from the very first moment we notice the anxiety coming from her, she is only able to communicate behind a screen and with an alias as she does not really completely trusts the phantom thieves. why do i think she has selective mutism instead of being under the autistic spectrum? easy, when you start the game you can notice sojiro constantly getting calls ( and we realize later on they were from futaba ). meaning that she is able to bond properly with him, sojiro even explains later on the game that she didn’t eat nor talk for a long time and little by little he was regaining her trust to let her know that she wasn’t alone. still, you can notice sojiro’s guilt as he is not able to take her out of the house and he is happy that at least she is eating but still you can see the traces of the depression and anxiety on her personality.

futaba explains her desire to die, a common thought that derives from depression as the people that suffer this condition usually see life as meaningless. she doesn’t want to be seen either, so she covers her face and any trace that could easily identify her because yet again, she needs trust to speak normally to another person, besides she has this constant fear of being judged which shows her anxiety. 

also a very important point is that people with this affections ( anxiety and selective mutism ) is that they might come off as RUDE or BLUNT ( something we notice on futaba ), because they are well, socially inept. however, as soon as she starts spending more time with the thieves she starts acting more relaxed and it’s when she starts showing her cheerful, childish side. i truly believe that these conditions started from her childhood, because as it is stated on her story line, she grew up being a lonely child. kids would just ignore her because she was considered a genius, her mother was never home and she started believing that her mother cared more about her research than being with her, this plus the lack of friendships and her mother’s dead only developed a severe anxiety disorder that later on was going to evolve in the conditions i explained previously. 

the thieves indeed help her to slowly start her process of overcoming her fears, and it shows that initially she didn’t really got along well with all of them, especially makoto because makoto has a more mature vibe than the others and this would only intimidate her and made it hard to actually catch her attention because most of the subjects makoto would bring were considered boring for futaba. remember that social anxiety causes that, you are not going to bond with everyone and only trust can lead to a relationship of reciprocate interest. 

overall, we can see how throughout the game she starts doing better. she creates a list with joker that allows her to conquer her own fears and well, after all everything is a process that takes years. she still relies a lot on the internet, but now she has real interaction and friends, but still when joker is about to leave she thinks about the possibility of them no talking to her anymore because akira is actually the glue in the group. of course thankfully it didn’t go that way, and they remained closed even after their leader left ( it’s canon on P5D don’t touch me ). akira is such an important figure for her as well, he has a lot to do with her improvement and i sense ADMIRATION coming from her, because akira is everything she would never dare to be. however the best chemistry she has among her friends are ryuji and yusuke, as they are easygoing, eccentric people and it’s easier to pick up trust on their personalities, as well as morgana as she shows a deep love for cats. ann, makoto and haru are the completely opposite of what futaba is yet the friendship still work because they take up on the big sis role for her. makoto is extremely mature so she actually helps her to find her boundaries, ann might have caused an issue on her self-esteem at some point but she also is someone she admires because futaba realized that she is not only looks, instead, she is an actual warrior who deals with a lot of things, and haru is the fluff ball that actually spoils her. all the different personalities among the group helps futaba towards her rehabilitation ( i’m sorry, i had to LMAO ). 

an important aspect is sojiro, HE DOESN’T PRESSURE HER INTO ANYTHING, he knows and understand what she is going through and he let her be because he is aware that HE CANNOT CHANGE HER. change and getting better is a personal decision, and of course a person needs support but you can’t actually do it for them. honestly, sojiro is a GREAT paternal figure and he deserves all the love he gets because he is so caring and understanding that he contributes to her growing. also the balance in the group of friends is really important for a person who suffers from severe anxiety disorders because it allows them to interact and explore things that are out of their comfort zone, and this is the case with the thieves. they are so different yet so similar that it is easy for her to understand how despite having a similar background it affects everyone differently, leading her to open up her mind a little and allowing her to understand that the change lies within her.

in summary, we can notice a big change on futaba, she is more comfortable outside and with people and she eventually will be over her traumas. remember that she is still growing up and she has a lot to go through, there will be good and bad times, probably future traumas that might affect her anxiety but that’s what i love about her character, it’s not about “getting cured of the conditions” is learning to live with them because they are apart of you. and this is what the character development on my futaba portrayal will go, it will be her accepting her anxiety and realizing that anxiety doesn’t control her but instead finding balance. 

[girloikawa]

gay book recs for these desperate times (they all need more rep so here I am)

The Last True Poets of the Sea Violet goes to visit her mom’s family home, the one she’s made memories with her brother in, in order to become less visible. To disappear from the flashy life that she led in New York—and all the guilt from her brother’s hospitalization. However, while humbling in the aquarium, she meets Orion. A beautiful boy who introduces her to Liv, the girl who wants to find the shipwreck Violet’s ancestor survived. While ships are being discovered, Violet also uncovers truth in her family and finds love. My opinion: Orion was adorable. Also I lived for the friend dynamic.

In Other Lands Elliot gets recruited into this magical land where harpies, mermaids, elves, and other magical creatures exist to go to school at a border camp. There’s two routes—Brains or Brawn. Elliot, being the avid anti-social boi he is, goes with brains. While getting situated, he meets Serene, the most beautiful elven girl he’s ever seen, who is a conqueror on the battle fields and in the books. With Serene, though, comes Luke. He’s perfect, which is exactly why Elliot hates him. If he wants Serene, though, he gets Luke, so the three of them fight (or in Elliot’s case, write treaties) their way to peace. It’s full of wit and sarcasm and getting love wrong and, maybe, getting love right. My opinion: I fucking love this book so, so much. I read it the other day and it’s definitely one of my favorites. 10/10

The Starless Sea Zachary Ezra Rawlins finds a book. A very strange, very old book that just so happens to be a hot-spot for a lot of very strange, (possibly) very old people. With a book and a target on his back, Zachary scavenges for the meaning of the book and somehow finds a whole world of books in the labyrinths along the shores of the Starless Sea. Along with the library, there’s Mirabell, a painter who’s life revolves around keeping the mystical place open; Dorian, a handsome storyteller who doesn’t like shoes; a whole world of stories that may have actually happened; and lots of cats. Navigating reality and fiction, Zachary looses himself in the Starless Sea, quite literally and figuratively. My Goddamn Opinion on This Masterpiece: well fuck. There’s a lot of story, but that’s kinda the point. It’s magical so read it asap.

They Both Die at the End Mateo and Rufus are both going to die. They’ve been called and told so, so they must make amends with death—or, with life. Having nobody to spring this on, Mateo turns to the Last Friends app. Having lost all the people he could turn to in one night, all because of his stupid mistake, Rufus turns to the Last Friends app. They find each other, less than 24 hours before their death’s, and decide that they should go out with a bang. Not a literal bang, though. That’s exactly what’s to be avoided. Teetering on the edge of truly living and stretching out their last day, Mateo and Rufus find friendship and so, so much more. My opinion: I read it last night. My heart is not there. It’s on a boat with pynch or snowbaz being happy. Fair warning, you will cry. Still sad. Rip me 2020

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue Henry “Monty” Montague wants an adventure before his life begins. When his Grand Tour of Europe comes around, Monty makes the most of it. With his best friend and secret crush, Percy, and his annoying, little sister, Monty discovers Europe, what it’s like to live in some Not So Great conditions, and how to be a better person. You know what everyone says, eighteenth century Europe is a great place to fall in love and get chased down for being a douche. My Opinion: very glad for the character development, it was much needed. Book was pretty good. Don’t remember too much, except rlly loving it and reading it during an earthquake. Sorry if the description isn’t good, read it awhile ago.

The Song of Achilles The book follows Patroclus as he grows up. Beginning around where his father exiled him and ending with his burial. It goes through his relationship with Achilles, the star of the Trojan War, and their bond beyond that of friends. My Opinion: a lot of people loved this book. So many. It’s really good. A lot of people talked of how it made them cry n stuff. Shockingly, my baby ass didn’t really cry much. I loved the story, though. Don’t know what happened. (Read it tho, you won’t regret it.) (Also sorry it’s not much of a description, it’s just that I felt weird writing a description of it.)

Also the obvious ones that I won’t explain bc they’re popular enough: Carry On & Wayward Son; The Raven Cycle & The Dreamer Trilogy; All For the Game series; Red, White, & Royal Blue; Simon Vs the Homo Sapians Agenda; Six of Crows & Crooked Kingdom. (If you’ve liked any of these, you will most likely like the ones that I have descriptions of.)

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

Broken arm

A/N: This was requested by anon, I hope you enjoy! please let me know what you think! Also this is like my worst fear, like that sounds dumb but breaking something sounds absolutely disgusting to me. In movies if they do like sound effects of bones breaking and I know it’s coming, I mute the sound. 

summary:  i was wondering if you could write a reddie x daughter where the losers club all go out and the daughter gets hurt (maybe breaks an arm) so they all freak out and take her to the hospital, and it’s just rlly cute at the end. i just feel like i could image richie and eddie just freaking out abt what to do and not actually doing anything so the rest of the losers have to step in

warnings: mentions of a broken arm and surgories (not graphic), mentions of throwing up (but also not graphic) and some curse words and your mom joke

At least once a month, all the losers have a reunion that usually either takes place in Ben and Bev’s lake house, or in their boat. The reason it does, is because Ben and Bev combined have enough money to restore any damages that may or may not occur during these times, more often than not Richie fault.

This time however, by some unlucky draw of the hat, everyone agrees to meet up in Richie and Eddie’s home, because their daughter Alexa isn’t feeling too great, and Richie not Eddie felt comfortable relocating with her for a few days.

She had nothing major, just a stomach bug that causes her to throw up from time to time, but Both Eddie and Richie were more than ready to postponed the losers’ meeting. Alexa insisted that all the plans continued on as normal despite her feeling unwell, since she loved spending time with her uncles and aunt any time she could, and when she showed signs of her health improving, nobody cancelled anything.

With the first knock on the door, Alexa jumps up, rushing to welcome whoever has made it to their house first, ignoring how her stomach was protesting the flash movement, and she’s greeted by the sight of her best-loved aunt, which happened to be Aunty Bev. Six months into the pregnancy made Bev look bloated and tired, but her eyes lit up as soon as Alexa opened the door, bending down as best as she could to hug her back twice as hard. She’s alone, Ben had had a meeting over in Portland, and agreed to meet Bev here.

‘How’s my favorite girl doing?’ Bev asks with a huge smile on her face, her hand resting on the top of her belly softly rubbing up and down.

‘I’m okay’, Alexa insists, even though her face still looks a little pale. Eddie, who had joined the two of them at the front door, rolled his eyes begrudgingly. Insisting that she’s fine even though she isn’t must be a trait she picked up from Richie.

Staying silent however, he brings Bev into an embrace, an; ‘hey Bev’ falling from his lips in the process.

‘Richie’s out back, come in, I’ll go get him.’ Before Eddie has the chance, the next guests arrive, in the form of Patty and Stan. Stan was holding a stuffed animal, a bunny in his hands, smirking as if he already knew that he was going to be the ‘chosen’ one today.

Eddie laughs out loud, watching as his daughter’s eyes grow bigger and wide, and she excitedly begins the bounce up and down, seemingly forgetting about the sickness for a little while. In his mind, Eddie is already praising Stan, for the few moments of rest this allows his daughter to have. Sleep is nothing something that has come in large doses to her in the last two days, every single waking minute of the day being consumed with sitting next to a toilet bowl, and brushing her teeth afterwards.

Eddie also praises Stan for basically knocking down the competition before the rest of them even have a chance.

At two years old, Alexa figured out how to play her family like the harp she later maintained she wanted to practice, giving up after only two lessons. She used to go around the room and beg her uncles and aunt to play a game with her, any kind, and when they relented, the first person who did would be her go to person for the rest of the evening.

Endearing everyone’s heart, but also resulting in a rivalry, where many presents were tossed around, and Alexa was in danger of becoming a bit spoiled. Now at twelve, she’s stopped crowning anyone as her winner, yet the losers still  arranges bets on her, as if their daughter is something to bet on.

It’s all in good fun of course, and Richie himself joins in on the gamble from time to time, but for whatever reason he never guesses correctly, but Eddie has a burning suspicion it has something to do with manipulating Stan to lose. Not that his schemes work, Stan is much too smart for that.

In rapid succession, Ben follows Stan and Patty, and after him Mike emerges, and finally Bill and Audra appear from the end of the streets. A loud and ugly snort forces its way out of Eddie, when he sees the exact some bear clutched to Bill’s chests, the annoying, cocky smirk on his face he mirrored from Stan, the same one that vanishes as soon as he steps through the door, and lays his eyes upon Alexa, clasping Stan’s gift.

Richie, who had since joined the rest of the group, could not contain his laughter, finding in Bill the perfect victim to tease throughout the entire night.

Rice and chicken were on the menu tonight, a light meal that was decided in light of Alexa, but nobody complained. Despite popular belief, Richie was a very good cook, and when he prepared any meal, it was guaranteed that it would taste delicious.

Alexa ate a bit, more than she had eaten in the last few days, and Eddie sighed a breath of relief.  Years of conditioning that any sickness was going to get him killed did not disappear off the bat, so he was immensely glad his daughter was starting to feel better, even if he knew her ailment was not that serious to begin with.

After dinner, the group resides to the living room, watching a movie that Alexa had her mind set on viewing, and secretive adult talk concealed in a child appropriate package so she wouldn’t notice, making a way across each other. A normal reunion like any other.

At nine pm, unsurprisingly, Alexa got up from her seat. ‘I’m going to bed dad,’ she explains, her hand stroking Bev’s baby bump one last time, and then waving at everyone. The spot next to Beverly, the one that Alexa had claimed, so she could discuss her new best friend as she lovingly called the new baby that was yet to be burn, remains achingly open. A weird feeling creeps up the back of Eddie’s neck, ridiculously.

The losers club just doesn’t seem complete without her, even if she has only been there for twelve years. Her bedtime was around eight, but when they go on a trip, she is allowed to stay up as long she want, the fact that she turns in for the night so early, is a testimony to how bad she suffers.  

Richie started to make his way up from the sofa too, ready to tuck her in, as he did every night, but she shook her head. ‘I can go to bed alone, Pops, don’t worry.’

She gave him a kiss on his cheek, and then scampered off to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Bill chocked on his drink in laughter when he saw the fallen look on Richie’s face, disappointment coating his expressions in a grey attire.

When he dejectedly resumed his place next to Eddie, the latter patted him on the arm in sympathy. ‘It’s just because there are others here Rich. You know how ashamed she gets of you.’ The smirk cannot be contained when the words leave his mouth, even though he means nothing but lies with them.

‘And they say my jokes suck? Spaghetti, come up with new and innovated humor, like mine. Thank god she’s got some of my qualities-‘

‘she’s adopted.’

‘- don’t interrupt me Eds that’s just bad manners. I’m so sorry your mom was to busy teaching me the way around her body to teach you how to be polite but-‘

‘Beep beep asshole.’ A murmur of agreement rose up from the group, Richie flipping them the bird.

‘Whatever, you losers have no taste at all.’

Deciding to check up on her after about fifteen minutes, Eddie settles back in his seat, joining in on the conversation to his right, where Ben and Stan discuss the different plants they have in their garden, listing a bunch of flowers Eddie will never know the meaning off.  

The movie clutters on in the background, almost like a lullaby, and Eddie yawns significantly. Richie’s hand presses in the small of his back, a grounding warm signal that he was safe, even though he doesn’t mean too, he zones out, not asleep, but also not as awake as he should be.

That happens to be a mistake when he hears something slam on the floor above them, the sound of the toilet being flushed a second after. He makes eye contact with Richie, both of them realizing that that is probably the result of Alexa throwing up again.

‘Dad, Pops’, and then a loud bang, proceeded by a few thuds that can be relocated to their stairs, and a pained yell.

Richie and Eddie scramble up faster than they have ever done before, even more hurried than when Pennywise was chasing them in Neibolt. Stan, Bill and Bev scurry alongside them, to the place of the accident, every single one of them in a panicked haze.

It only takes a second to get there, in their haste, and no other sounds emerge anymore, until They run into the hallway.

Alexa is spread out across the bottom of the stairs, her arm bend in a weird position, her legs propped up as she looks around the space dazedly, as if she’s not sure what just happened.

Her faces goes through a couple of emotions, intensifying when she takes a look at her arm, but not yet crying.

Eddie is the first to reach her, and when she sees him, her lips open slightly and a wail falls out. It proves to him that she is in real, and agonizing pain. Back when she learned how to ride her bike for the first time, she had fallen many times, as kids do, but if she cried, Eddie refused to indulge her. He wouldn’t let leave or abandon her, but he would tell her that everything was fine, and that it only stung a little, and there was no need to cry.

He mostly did this to stop himself from becoming like his mother, and to allow Alexa to discover her own boundaries and which one hurt enough to actually ask help for. He never shamed her for crying either, he just tried to teach her the difference between actual pain, and being shocked from a fall.  Ever since, is she saw Eddie walk towards her, her tears stopped if it barely stung, or begin to cry if help was needed.

Now she sobs, heavy and with snot, hiccuping to catch her breaths. It only takes a look to tell Eddie everything he needs to know, she is suffering from an open fracture. The bone is not stuck outside the skin, but the bump is visible from the outside, in the same way that his bone was when he broke his arm.

All previous training flies out the window when it’s his daughter that is the one who is harmed, nothing of the medical terms he surrounded himself with in his childhood sticking, like liquid dropping from his head.

He stands there, blankly as he gazes upon his daughters still laying form, until he gets pushed back by Bill. Richie too stands frozen, trembling from head to toe, but Bev and Stan launch into action, dropping down next to Alexa, each on opposites sides.

‘What do we do, what do we do?’ Richie inquires frantically, pushing against Bills hands, to get to her, trusting Eddie for guidement. Eddie subconsciously reaches for his inhaler, and curses once he remembers that he threw his placebo away.

‘Fuck, fuck, Eddie should we snap the bone back in? It worked last time right?’ Richie reflects Eddie’s frantic, ignoring Bill’s pleas to calm down, the cries of Alexa deafening their ears, and making their heartstrings cave in.

‘What? What the fuck asshole no. That was a terrible thing to do, and you were lucky that my arm got back to normal, are you fucking kidding me you absolute moron?’

He doesn’t mean to snap at his husband the way he does, but the mantra of; this is your fault, she’s going to die, get her to a hospital now, more careful, you should force her to be more safe, in a voice that sounds an awful lot likes his mother hisses in his mind. The panic is very nearly all consuming.

‘What the fuck was I supposed to do then huh Eds? I was fucking twelve.’ Their panic-stricken words grow louder and louder, until even Alexa’s cries of agony sound quieter than theirs, they’re so consumed with worry, being oblivious to notice what Beverly and Stan are so desperately trying to convey.

‘I don’t know, not that. And you’re 43 years old, by now you should now better dickwad.’

‘Stop it’, Bill yells in the same determined leader voice that lured them into the house on Neibolt street, effectively silencing them and focusing their attention on him.

‘Your daughter needs you right now, so shut up, and do what we ask you too okay. Richie get her cloths, Eddie retrieve anything she has that helps calm her down. Alright? Okay go.’

Richie hurries to get the car as fast he can, but Eddie hesitates when he gapes at Alexa. He doesn’t want to leave her without her parents. ‘Hey’, Bill places on of his hands on Eddie shoulder, ‘we’ll take care of her for a minute okay?’

Her cries have turned into loud whimpers, her face hidden behind Stan’s body, which stops her from seeing Eddie anyway. Bev is calmly shushing her, on the phone with what must be the hospital, carefully checking her arm. Stan is trying to distract her, his cardigan being discarded towards Bev, who uses is to carefully cover the injured arm.

It looks painful, and Eddie can’t stand to think of her in pain, so he too complies with Bill’s demands, searching for the plush toy she got as a gift, and her soft blanket that she sleeps with during the winter.

When he comes back, he hears the blaring sirens of the ambulance stop outside their door, and his stomach falls when he realizes that a few hours ago, Alexa was standing in that exact spot, excited for the night.

Audra and Patty lead the paramedics into the home, apparently they had been waiting outside to help, Patty grabbing Eddie’s arm to steady herself, and maybe even Eddie, who is swaying dangerously from side to side.

He’s been through all of this before, in a way, but that seemed somehow less scary than it is now. Back then, Eddie had been glad none of his friends got hurt, so it didn’t matter that he did. Now, it’s different, but if he could somehow switch places with Alexa, he would do so in a heartbeat.

They insert an IV line and administer pain relief, Eddie assumes, since his ears seem like they’ve been stuffed full of cotton. He vaguely registers Richie’s hand in his own, all his attention pointed to watching Alexa’s face for any discomfort.

She’s placed upon a trauma board, Stan and Ben aiding to help her jolts as minimal as possible, before they carry her to the ambulance as fast as humanly possible. Eddie hopes to god, something he hasn’t believed in since he started dating Richie, that the medicine she has received knock her out, just so she’s painless the rest of the ride.

‘Dad, pops’, she wails, extending her uninjured arm to reach for the both of them. Next to him, Richie cries too.

Eddie speed walks to be by her side, grabbing her hand and pressing a kiss to it. ‘It’s okay, sweetheart, you’re going to be fine.’ He can’t help the way his voice cracks as he tries to keep his own tears at bay.

Richie also hast himself to get to her, brushing away her tears as best he can, but new ones continue to leave wet rivers on her cheeks.

After consideration, Eddie says to Richie; ‘You need to go with her,’ his words lacking any really conviction.

Richie gazes up to him in surprise. ‘Eddie?’

‘I can’t be in there, in a hospital or ambulance, but I would feel so much better if you were with her.’ The trauma lingers around Eddie like a bad stench, and he hates himself for the fact that he can’t be with his daughter. He knows Richie will keep her safe though, so if he were to go with her, maybe the grip guilt has on him will loosen.

Richie says nothing and stares for just a split second, before one of the EMT’s says they need to hurry. Then he nods, climbing on board with Alexa, but pressing his lips against Eddie’s quickly before his does.

He’s trying to convey Eddie into believing everything will be okay, but Richie isn’t sure if he believes it himself.

They have to leave then, and Eddie stares as the ambulance disappears into the distance. When he can’t see it no longer, he allows himself five seconds, and he uses those five seconds to cry upon Mike’s sturdy statues the waterfalls flowing from his eyes like they’re a rives. He can sense the others coming closer, each laying a hand on a part of his body, their silent way of telling him they’re here for them.

He feels bad for making Richie having to be the one to hold it all together, since he can’t break down in front of Alexa, but Eddie honestly didn’t have any resolution left to sit in an ambulance.

When his five seconds are up, he begs someone to drive him to the hospital, ignoring his next door neighbor who comes to check up on the commotion that was happening.

He ends up driving with Stan and Patty, in the middle backseat, where he can feel their worried gazes on him. In his mind, he is trying to recall any information about what he had to go through with his arm, but all he really remembers is that he had to have surgery.

As predicted, that is the first thing Richie tells Eddie when he finally gets to the emergency room, Richie waiting near the entrance, his hands trembling when he reaches forward to pull Eddie against him in a tight hug.

‘She needs to have surgery Eds, you have to come quick. They’re about to put her under.’ Richie informs him when he pulls back, this time reaching for his hands and pulling him in the direction of the room Alexa is in. Eddie wants to say something to his friends, but he’s already whisked away, and he just figures he’ll tell them later.

Upon entering the room, Eddie can smell the disinfected in the room, the whole room is drenched in it, but he refuses to let it deter him, so he pulls through, pulling a chair to the side of the hospital bed, resting his hand on Alexa’s shoulder. Richie goes for her hand on her good arm, his thumb sweeping the back of her hand back and forth.

‘hey, honey, how are you?’

Alexa lets her head fall sideways, her eyes dropped with exhaustion, she hasn’t received any anesthetic, so Eddie assumes that it’s the adrenaline that has worked off.

‘I’m scared dad,’ she tells him truthfully, squeezing Richie’s hand tight while not looking him in the eyes.

‘It’s okay to be scared baby,’ Eddie soothes her, pressing a soft kiss on her forehead. ‘I had to same thing happen to me when I was little.’

Her lips tug upwards in a faint smile. ‘I know, pops told me.’

‘It wasn’t that scary anymore. Not when getting into the hospital. I just fell right asleep, and when I woke up, the pain was dulled.’

‘I’m not in so much pain right now though, can I not avoid the surgery?’ Eddie’s heart breaks once again, and he wishes so bad he could heed his daughter from this, but it has to happen, there’s no other option.

‘That’s cause you’re on a lot op pain medication kiddo, but as soon as they’re worn off, you’ll feel it again.’  Richie heavily admits, the lines on his face have turned more prominent, the night taking ten years of their lives away from them.

‘Like I said, you’ll just go to sleep, and when you wake up, we’ll be here.’ Eddie tries to convince her one last time, and with a heaved sigh, she relents.

Just in time, for the nurse sticks her head through the door, her smile apologetic.

‘Alexa Tozier-Kaspbrak? I’m sorry, but we really have to get her upstairs now.

‘You’ll be fine bucko, We won’t be fare okay?’

‘And remember we love you okay?’

‘I know dad, Pops, I love you too.’

When they wheel Alexa away in her hospital bag, the other losers wave at her from behind the glass door, sticking their thumbs up in good luck, while Alexa waves at them as best she can.

‘She’ll be okay’, Richie insists as he pulls Eddie close to him by the waist, pressing his nose in his hair to comfort himself.

‘I really hope so Rich, I’m scared.’

‘Don’t be Eds, she’s your kid, she’s so strong, this is just a minor setback. I love okay, we’ll get through this together.’

‘I love you too.’

Later, when Alexa is back in her room, falling asleep on her own this time, and Eddie watches Richie’s lanky from twist in half to rest his head on the bed, the rest of his body in an uncomfortable hospital chair just to be close to their daughter, he thanks whoever is listening that he got this family; He would never trade them for anything in the world.

He’s mumbling to the both of them, a stupid story about Richie and his childhood, because Alexa had once told him she slept best with some background noise. Twirling the same piece of hair over and over again, he presses another kiss to her head, thankful that’s okay. 

He nearly thinks of his mother, and how much he would have loved to see her face if she ever saw him like this. Gay, married, with a child and in a hospital. But then he banishes her to the back of his mind. She is not worth any ounce of his thoughts. 

 Alexa shifts in her sleep, relaxing into the movements, and Eddie can’t do anything but mumble out in pure adoration; ‘I promise, I’ll never be like my mom, I love you and your pops too much for that.’ 

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

[welovekpopscenarios]

Forever (Jeonghan x Reader)

Admin: Mimi

Prompt/Ask: Could you do a very angsty scenario with Jeonghan (SVT) where the reader gets into an accident? The end is up to you (if there is a death or not) but rlly angsty pls thank uu

Fandom: SEVENTEEN

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Jeonghan x Reader

Warnings: slight language, self-hatred/blame, car crash, hospitals

Word Count: 1976

Authors Notes: Here you go, Jeonghan angst for your sick, twisted pleasure lmao. I joke, but I tried my best with this, I genuinely got frustrated and upset writing this haha. But! I hope you enjoy it and that it was what you asked for. Let me know if there are any errors, and happy reading! (Or not so happy reading, I guess in this case)

 - PART 2 -

Tap. Tap. Tap.

That was the only sound that could be heard in the empty living room of SEVENTEEN’s dorm. The room was dark; the blinds shut closed hastily, the only light to be found in the room coming from the digital clock on the side table, the green glow displaying the numbers 12:47.

The tapping continues, monotonously, breaking the silence in a dorm that has been plunged into quietude and despair in light of recent events. Jeonghan stares blankly ahead of him, feeling tired beyond belief but in no way shape or form in that state, too alert, too anxious. His phone sits on the armrest beside him, his fingers tap, tap, tapping impatiently against the screen, awaiting a call he knows won’t come until morning, and he hates it.

He doesn’t know whether his body is in a state of shock regarding your accident. He just worked on auto-control after one call ended and another came in yesterday, a call from a stranger, remembering vague words such as ‘emergency contact’, ‘car crash’ and ‘gravely injured’. He only slightly recalls rushing out of the company building with Seungcheol and Joshua in tow, getting into the first car he knew belonged to the company and demanded to be rushed to the hospital.

The hospital where you were held in a critical condition.

He still doesn’t believe it’s real. He just can’t understand it. He still expects to receive a good morning text from you, still expects to send one in return and tell you about his schedule, still expects the messages telling him to eat well, get rest, and do his very best today, like he always does. He just can’t fathom why that’s gone now since yesterday. Why this little mundane thing that managed to brighten up his day every single time is now just…gone. And he desperately wants it to come back.

But what he does understand, the one thing his wretched mind can make sense of in his state of gloom, is that you’re in such a dangerous and life-threatening condition after a brutal car collision.

And it was all his fault.

The members tried to dissuade his views, to lessen the burden on his shoulders and the pain in his heart but he won’t listen. Because he knows. He knows it was his fault. He should have never called you to tell you that SEVENTEEN got nominated for Artist of the Year in some awards show he doesn’t even care about anymore. When you didn’t answer, he shouldn’t have continued to call, eager to relay the good news to you. He must have worried you, he knows as well as you do that he never calls excessively, preferring to reach you later when you have time. Because of his rash decision, you answered the call while stopped at a red light in traffic, a dangerous move but he reckons you were fearful something had happened to him. He spoke over you, in a haste to get his excited news out of his system and celebrate. If he had just stopped to listen to you when you tried to explain you were busy driving, then maybe he wouldn’t have distracted you. That way, he wouldn’t have had to hear the loud crash followed by a yelp from you, glass shattering coming from your end before it all went quiet. Too quiet. And Jeonghan was certain the only sound he heard after that dreadful call was the sound of his heart plummeting from his chest and past his feet, down to the depths of darkness below.

The trip to the hospital with Seungcheol and Joshua at his side was a blur of panicked mutterings and hyperventilating, and as soon as the car pulled up outside the hospital he nearly took the door off in his haste to get to the front desk and ask where you were, how you were doing.

The lady at the desk has checked her files, and regretfully informed him that you were in surgery at the moment, that she didn’t know when you were out, that Jeonghan should sit in the waiting room until a doctor is ready to speak with him.

And so, he sat there for what felt like years, tears brimming his eyes that never fell, too proud to let his composure slip for a second. He observes the crisp white walls of the hospital surrounding him, boxing him in. He observes the pathetic attempts of colour in what he can call singlehandedly the ugliest pieces of artwork possible, and questions the need for such paintings in the first place. A hospital is a hospital. People who are sick enter to get treated, people die in them, it serves its function. People don’t have time to stop and look at those horrible paintings.

Some people don’t have that time to begin with when they enter.

He prays you weren’t one of those people.

He turned off his phone after an hour of receiving missed calls and unread messages, leaving it to Seungcheol and Joshua to break the news to the others. He didn’t want to deal with that. He couldn’t. The reality of the situation would sink in and he’d be damned if he breaks down in the middle of a fucking waiting room with strangers around him. What was it that Joshua had whispered to him at some point? Be strong for you? Yeah, that was it. Right. Be strong. He could do that.

Sure.

The doctor eventually called his name, and he almost didn’t hear, too wrapped up in his own self-loathing to be aware of what was going on around him, until someone nudged him and his snapped up, ready (but not ready – it was too soon yet it had been too long) to face whatever the doctor had to tell him.

And he really wasn’t ready to hear about the suffering you experienced because of his stupid, fucking phone call.

The doctor had spared no details, and Jeonghans terrible mind immediately recreated what was said to him – how the car had crashed into the side of yours, how your head most likely flew into the console, cracking open your skull and bruising your brain, how you had broken several bones throughout your body, how you had lost a severe amount of blood in that short amount of time and that was worrying in itself. He listened to the doctor saying how they had done everything they could to heal you, put you back together again like you were humpty dumpty (it’s not enough, do more he wanted to scream, but restrained himself), and that you were resting now after surgery.

The doctor allowed him to see you, but gazed at him with eyes full of warning, warning to prepare himself for what he will find when he enters the room.

Sparing the doctor no more than a thank you, he rushed to the room you were kept in and his knees almost gave out at the sight that greeted him.

There you lay in a room even whiter and more sterile than the waiting room, the addition of machines and monitors instead of those hideous paintings, and a bed too big for your frail form. And frail it was, covered head to toe in bruises and cuts of various colours, dried patches of blood where the doctors didn’t clean yet, and tubes sticking out from where they shouldn’t be.

You didn’t look like yourself. You didn’t. You didn’t belong in this room. You didn’t belong in this hospital. It was all his fault you were here. It should be him on that bed instead of you. He doesn’t care.

He caused immense pain to the one person who didn’t deserve it, the one person he promised he wouldn’t, and there was no other person who he hated more than himself.

It was scary how you seemed to blend in with the dullness of the room around you, your shine and brilliance missing from the world now. He wants to hear your voice once more instead of the beeps of the machines, to feel the small hand he’s grasping squeeze around his once more, to see your smiling face rather than a busted lip.

He wanted to stay there all night, all day, as long as he could, but the company wouldn’t allow it, urged him to get his rest despite his pleas and cries and begs, and so, with great reluctance and a heavy heart, he was brought home to see the faces of ten distressed boys, concerned for your well-being and for his.

And he couldn’t feel worse.

He doesn’t know when exactly he fell asleep, but when he woke up, he found he was covered in a blanket and a pillow was placed under his head. He smells Mingyu’s cooking from the kitchen, can hear the boys shuffle around, and all of this is almost enough to get him to forget what happened, until he sees his phone, free of any good morning messages, and once again he’s plunged into a case of anguish and hatred.

It's close to ten in the morning, and he’s about to get up and make himself somewhat presentable when his phone buzzes and he answers with lightning speed. The hospital wants him to come down to discuss an unfortunate development in your state, him being the only one to contact as your parents are still out of the country, and he agrees with a shaky voice, getting ready as fast as possible to head back to the dreaded building, this time with twelve boys behind him in tow, insistent on supporting the two of you.

And so, the group enters the hospital and alerts a nurse to their presence, making a beeline to your room and awaiting the doctor’s news. The boys gasp and display horrified expressions at the sight of you, murmuring phrases of sympathy to Jeonghan but he pays them no mind, too busy focusing on you. You look the same as yesterday, but something seems off, and it makes his skin crawl.

The doctor form yesterday makes his appearance, and looks reluctant to share the news in front of a crowd, but Jeonghan tells him to continue. Whatever he says to him he can say to them as well. They’re a family.

But Jeonghan wasn’t expecting to be told you were in a coma. And that they have no clue when you will wake up. Could be days, weeks, months, years from this very moment.

More medical phrases are thrown at him, and going completely over his head because his brain has shut down, just blank. Blank except for the image of you on your first date with Jeonghan. A day filled with nerves and shy touches. A day he’ll never be able to go back to, but one he holds dear in his heart, as well as the other ones. Ones, he realises, he won’t get to have again.

And, it’s with this thought in his mind, that once the doctor leaves the room and it’s just him, you, and the other members, he breaks down, the tears that were bubbling under the surface since yesterday spilling over with no signs of stopping, his chest heaving for air that just won’t come.

Some members stand shocked or sorrowful, watching the seen with saddened eyes, others rush to his side to wrap him up in their arms, arms that feel too suffocating for him.

You’ve been taken away from him. He doesn’t know when you’ll speak or walk or even look at him again. And he feels nothing but emptiness take over him despite the other members in the room.

But he’ll wait forever if he must. He will. He loves you.

He just doesn’t know if forever will allow him.

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so